INFO for Families

Defining Marriage in a Kardashian World

2012-01-28T10:07:00-05:00

If a "man on the street" interviewer put a microphone in your face and asked you to tell you what the meaning of marriage was, what would you answer? No time to think....what would you say?

If you don't have a good answer, then it is unlikely that you will live your married life with much purpose. You will probably expect your spouse to fulfill some unidentified and unverbalized expectation you have. And you will likely be disappointed...in your spouse and in your marriage.

In Chuck Colson's Breakpoint Commentary from October 27 of last year, Colson asked about the meaning of marriage and then gave a recommended resource that effectively answers the question. Here's an excerpt...

Study after study shows the beneficial effects of marriage and the self-inflicted harm that people experience when they ignore this evidence. Marriage is good for us in so many ways.

Here is a tiny sampling: People who have been continuously married have 75 percent more wealth at retirement than those who have divorced or were never married. Children in married, two-parent families experience two to three times more positive life outcomes than those who do not. Married people even enjoy better and more frequent sex!

Yet the statistics also show our culture heading in the opposite direction. In 1970, 89 percent of all births were to married parents. Today, unfortunately, it is only 60 percent. In 1960, 72 percent of adults in America were married. Care to guess the number in 2008? Fifty percent. How did we get here, when it makes no logical sense?

My friend Tim Keller at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York and his wife, Kathy, have written a brilliant new book that explains why marriage is in such dire straits, and how to rescue it. Their book, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God is now available at our online book store at BreakPoint.org. You need to get a copy!

The Kellers diagnose this cultural disconnect. It’s the natural fruit of the West’s slow redefinition of marriage: from an institution where duty and mutual sacrifice are expected for the good of children and the larger society to one in which the marital partners primarily ask, “What’s in it for me?” “In short,” Keller writes, “the Enlightenment privatized marriage, taking it out of the public sphere, and redefined its purpose as individual gratification, not any ‘broader good’ such as reflecting God’s nature, producing character, or raising children.”

As a consequence, this new understanding, which is supposed to be so liberating, he says, “actually puts a crushing burden of expectation on marriage and on spouses that more traditional understandings never did.”

Because marriage is now all about me, no one is ever good enough, so we hang back, afraid to commit, waiting for the non-existent perfectly “compatible” person—meaning he or she is well-adjusted, beautiful, and can help us find sexual and emotional fulfillment. Or we drop the person we married when someone “better” comes along.

So how can we get out of this?

Well, their book, The Meaning of Marriage, lays out the solution in great and encouraging detail. It is written for singles, those in successful and stable marriages, and for those in the midst of marital crisis. The book is too rich to encapsulate in this brief commentary, but suffice it to say that the secret of marriage is grounded in the self-giving example of Jesus laying down His life for the Church.

Barrett here again. I have read the book and found it to be a solid look at God's design for marriage. It's a bit heady, but it has plenty of practical applications of how to live out a Biblical understanding of marriage. And that's where the joy, security, and meaning is found.

There is an excellent interview that Keller gave with Fox News when his book first came out. It happened to coincide with the breakup of Kim Kardashian's marriage, so the contrast of perspectives is striking. You can see the interview here.

The Best Parenting Advice I've Gotten in a Long Time

2012-01-26T10:50:46-05:00

I had the pleasure of hosting Dr. Rob Rienow of Visionary Family Ministries at Johnson Ferry this past weekend. He spoke to nearly 600 parents over three different hours, sharing the message that parents have a calling and responsibility to disciple the kids in their home.

But in the middle of his talk (which I heard three times), he shared a little nugget of truth that was a game-changer for many, including myself. It was the best advice on parenting that I have gotten in a long time. I'll tell you about it, but first, a little background.

Rob suggested that our homes should be "discipleship centers" where our primary goal as parents is to teach our children to know God and to pursue Him as the primary focus of their lives. He pointed out the charge found in Deuteronomy 6:5-9...that we are to "teach (the truths of God) diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up."

He asked each group the same question: "When should we be teaching and discipling our kids?" A person in all three groups shouted out the same answer: "All the time." He had to break the news to each of them that they were wrong. He suggested that if we aren't doing anything to pour Christ and His truths into our kids and we find out that we are commanded by God to do it "all the time," then we should all give up as failures before we even start. it's just too big of a task.

Rob took us back to the scriptures and pointed out the four key, power-packed times that God asks parents to spiritually connect with their kids:

1. When you sit in your house (a brief time of family Bible study and prayer)

2. When you walk by the way (that's car time in our culture)

3. When you lie down (at bedtime)

4. When you rise up (first thing in the morning)

So here's when he gave the great advice. Rob mentioned a powerful quote by G.K. Chesterton that should be an encouragement to each of us:

"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing...badly." -G.K. Chesterton

When Rob gave the quote and paused after the word "doing," the entire room responded with "right." Because that's what we have heard. "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right." But Rob's point was that we can dream about the "right" way to teach our kids and to pray with them and to share spiritual truth, but usually our dreams involve great big plans that we never get to. So we end up doing nothing.

The lesson I learned: If passing on spiritual truth to my kids (via reading the word or reminding them of God's perspective or even just in praying for them and with them) is important, then I should start doing it somehow, even if I do it badly. It may be small. It may be simple. But I must start somewhere.

Is passing on your faith to your kids important to you? Then start doing it, even if it is through something as simple as a prayer on the way to school, a bedtime story from a Bible storybook, or a quick proverb texted to your teenager. You have to crawl before you can walk.

"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly." That's great advice for every Christian parent.

January 22 at Johnson Ferry - Visionary Parenting

2012-01-17T16:47:16-05:00

My friend Dr. Rob Rienow will be speaking during all three SBS hours at Johnson Ferry this weekend. If you have kids in your home (no matter their ages) you will want to hear what he has to say. Trust me on this. Here's a brief clip that captures Rob's heart...

Where do you go to catch Rob this Sunday? It depends on what hour you are looking for him. Here's the skinny:

8:30 Pinnacle on the 3rd floor

9:50 Fellowship Hall

11:15 Room 270/271 by the Activity Center

I expect 9:50 to be very crowded, so if you have the flexibility to go to one of the other hours, please do so.

Looking forward to seeing you there!

-Barrett

Are Your Kids an Inconvenience?

2012-01-05T09:28:00-05:00

Are your kids an inconvenience?

A good 99% of parents would answer "yes" to that question. The other 1% of parents are probably lying.

It is a fact that children often get in the way of us doing what we want to do and having what we want to have. But perhaps that's how God designed our families to be. Perhaps it is God's way of reminding us that our lives our not about us...that something bigger is going on.

I came across a great article at Biblicalwoman.org by a young mom that you need to read. Amanda Walker writes very clearly about the Inconvenience of Motherhood.

An Amazing Resource for Parents

2012-01-03T12:11:13-05:00

The following is a guest post by Michelle Newbold. She is the mother of four great kids and the wife of one great husband. She highlights an excellent tool that parents can utilize in helping their kids transition into adolescence. Read on...

Two things have always frightened me about parenting. One, potty training. Two, teenagers. Being a mom of four children, I am pleased to say I have made it through the potty training era and am moving on to dealing with teenagers. My oldest turns 13 in a couple of weeks. I guess the reason the teenage years are so scary for parents is that our culture makes those years sound daunting. Television and movies portray teenagers as out of control and parents throwing their hands up and giving up in despair. Then there's the whole, "birds and the bees talk," which the media also portrays as an impossible task that never goes like the parent planned.

In our home, we decided to start having "mini-discussions" with our girls when the time came for it. Our goal has been to provide needed information at appropriate times. We also wanted to be the ones to explain things to our kids and not have them learning about these issues from friends. Or, receiving misinformation from friends or media! Since our oldest three children are daughters, our plan was for me to have these discussions with them and then my husband would handle their brother when it is his turn.

At first, these discussions were focused mostly on a brief description of where babies come from and on physical changes occurring in the body. I kept the initial discussions very brief and on topic. Then I mentioned that we can talk anytime and left the door open for future mini-talks as needed. There have been several times she has approached me with a question. I try not to act shocked at whatever she wants to talk about, and just answer the question in a matter-of-fact way.

Finally, I decided to have a more prolonged interaction with her to cover a broad variety of topics. I selected the material created by Focus on the Family entitled, Preparing for Adolescence. These CDs were recorded by Dr. James Dobson as he taught first his daughter, and then other teenagers on the coming adolescent years. We used the CD set and the "Family Guide and Workbook". I also plan to buy the book eventually for her to keep as a reference. The book is basically the main words that Dobson says on the cd's.

We planned some extended time together over a weekend. My husband took the other kids out of town and we hung out at home. We listened to the CD and took turns filling in the blanks in the Family Guide. We stopped the CD and chatted about things as needed. What I really liked about the program is that it didn't just cover "the birds and the bees", but also covered topics that teenagers need to be aware of and prepared for. I also loved the way Dr. Dobson talked straight to the teenager as a trusted friend and adviser.

The program began with dealing with feelings of inferiority as a teen. There are three things that cause feelings of inferiority: physical attractiveness, intelligence and money. I remember my middle school years as being filled with these same feelings, just as he describes. Dr. Dobson then goes on to tell the teenager how to focus on what you can change and accept the things you can't change.

Next, he covers dealing with peer pressure in today's culture. He talks about the difference between conforming to the world and being a leader and being willing to stand.

The next topic is an explanation of physical development, puberty and sexual intercourse. He covers these briefly, but with enough detail that is is clear.

He then covers the meaning of love. He defines what is true love and what is infatuation. He talks about the effects of divorce and sex outside of marriage. He covers the importance of purity before marriage.

Throughout the course, he hits on other topics such as misconceptions people have about love and marriage, STDs, unplanned pregnancies, abortion, suggested length of courtships, genuine love is selfless, conflicts between the generations, desire or independence from parents, peer pressure, drugs, communication with parents, dating, and image issues. Finally, there is a section with teens asking him questions and he answers them.

What is not covered in this material is the subject of pornography and the importance of internet safety. I think this is because the CDs were recorded years ago, before the growth of the internet. We have had separate discussions regarding this.

The only controversial point on the CDs is that Dr. Dobson takes a lenient stand on what Barrett Johnson (at the INFO for Families blog) refers to as the "m"-word. He doesn't want there to be guilt and shame in a teenager's life. I wonder if Dr. Dobson would feel that way if the current statistics on boys and pornography were available when he recorded these CD's.

Otherwise, I found it to be perfect for us. It filled in the gaps that our "little conversations" had not covered. It also added a lot of stuff about feeling weird and inferior and taking a stand in the world that were great and really spoke to the emotional issues that a teenager faces. After we finished the study, we went out for a special meal and I presented my daughter with a purity ring. We signed a contract together stating her commitment remain pure until marriage and my commitment to support her in that regard.

What about you? Have you made plans to have some talks with your kids? I have found that small mini-talks really take the pressure off having the huge "birds and the bees" conversation. Make plans today to cover these important issues with your kids!

Blessings,
Michelle

Plan NOW to Make the Most of 2012...Before the Impending Apocalypse

2011-12-20T16:25:39-05:00

I don't think there is any merit whatsoever to the to 2012 doomsday calendar hoopla. But just in case the world does come to an end by this time next year, we would all be wise to finish strong. With that in mind, the HomeLife Ministry at Johnson Ferry is putting together a bunch of great opportunities for your marriage and family.

Most Johnson Ferry people will get a "Save the Date" postcard in the mail (that looks like what you see below) sometime after Christmas, but this blog post is for people who don't read their mail. So get your 2012 calendar out and start making plans...

Re|Engage is a marriage enrichment ministry that we will be launching on Wednesday nights in late January. Whether your marriage needs to be reignited or is need of complete resurrection, Re|Engage will be a safe place for couples to move toward oneness through stories of grace, teaching, and small groups. We hope and pray that this will be a game-changer for many marriages.

Family Focus Sunday will be a special quarterly gathering of adults from all over Johnson Ferry. Our first in 2012 will happen on January 22 in all three SBS hours. Dr. Rob Reinow (who will absolutely rock your world) will be our guest and his seven-week Visionary Parenting DVD will be utilized in many SBS classes in the weeks to follow. You can catch a bit of Rob's heart in this brief video.

The Father/Daughter Dance will be on February 9 and 10. This event sells out every year, so be prepared to get your tickets when they go on sale on January 9. We always need plenty of volunteers to help set up, decorate, and serve, so plan now to take part in creating this very special night for dads and their girls.

The weekend of March 16-17 is our Couples Retreat, an overnight getaway designed to help "fan the flames" of your marriage. Held this year at the J. W. Marriott Buckhead, the weekend will feature an evening of dancing and dessert with live music and a DJ - it's sort of like a prom for adults where the church encourages you to sleep with your date. ;-) Saturday morning will feature a buffet breakfast and some excellent marriage enrichment with Dr. Gary Rosberg (see below for more on Gary).

March 18 will be our second Family Focus Sunday of the year. Dr. Gary Rosberg (who will also be speaking at the Couples Retreat) will be with us in all three SBS hours. Gary is a best-selling author, nationally known speaker, and the founder of America's Family Coaches. Since I first heard Gary speak at Promise Keepers years ago, I have heard him dozens of times. He's always direct and inspiring.

We have scheduled a short Family Mission Trip over 4 days in Spring Break, March 31-April 3. We will be partnering with some of the ministries to international refugees in Clarkston, GA. This trip is perfect for families with elementary aged kids. It will run from Saturday through Tuesday, so it won't be too many days off from work.

Finally, mark your calendars WAY OUT in advance as we will be having a special Family Night at Johnson Ferry with comedian Tim Hawkins on July 28. Tickets are already available online and this event WILL sell out.

I know your schedule will be full this Spring, but I hope and pray that you take some time to focus on God's design for your family. There will be plenty of opportunities at Johnson Ferry to do just that. You can always go to the Family Ministry page at the Johnson Ferry website or call the HomeLife office at 678-784-5230 for more information on any of these ministries.

Until then, have a very merry Christmas!

-Barrett

What Not to Do This Christmas

2011-12-13T15:10:29-05:00

Christmas is almost here so it just makes sense that INFO for Families would continue to provide some insights and tips for making your Christmas season incredible.

I haven't been blogging much lately, but it doesn't mean I haven't been writing. I continue to put a lot of creative energy into my book project (dealing with the necessity for a parent to talk openly and often about sex and relationships) but not so much time into the blog. I ask you, our faithful readers, to extend some grace...and to pray that God would have His way with the book project.

But back to Christmas...

Hopefully your family is putting the Advent guide we recommended to good use. Whatever you are doing this December, make sure you are doing something to keep your family focused on the right things this Christmas. This requires real intentionality. Why? Because there is just so much to distract us.

The pressures of the season, the busy-ness of our lives, the financial obligations...all of these things can very easily distract us from the wonder of the incarnation. And it is doubly true for our kids. If we are not deliberate to keep our kids focused on Christ, our emotions (or our desire for a new i-whatever) will steer us far away from Him.

There are a couple of things that I recommend you read. First, Orange Parents has posted a great little list of Twelve Keys to a Miserable Christmas. It kicked my butt a bit, so be prepared to come under conviction of a few ways that you are already blowing it. Secondly, Mark Driscoll's wife Grace has posted Four Things Not to do This Christmas. It, too, reminded me of some basics that I want to get right over the next few weeks. Finally, FamilyLife has posted an article called Eight Ways to Pressure-Proof Your Holidays. It contains four things to DO and four things to NOT DO.

In these three articles, I have resourced you with 24 different tips for keeping the hearts of your family turned toward Christ this Christmas. That's a lot. Pray that God would give you one or two to take an action step on immediately.

At our house, the greatest tradition we have that reflects the generous heart of Christ is in how our kids give gifts to one another. Since they were very little, we encouraged them to save their money and buy unique gifts for each of their siblings (and mom and dad, too). The presents are never elaborate and rarely cost more than about $5. But they always put some thought into them and they are always excited about wrapping them and putting them under the tree.

I think our kids' favorite part of Christmas morning is getting to see their siblings open the gifts that they picked out for each other. As I have watched this in action over the past few years, I think they have finally come to embrace the reality that "it is better to give than to receive."

Whatever you do, be sure to ask God to give you ideas and direction about celebrating Christmas with your family in a way that glorifies Christ.

Do you have a family tradition that makes the most of Christ at Christmas?

An Excellent Advent Guide for Families

2011-11-30T10:54:22-05:00

Thanksgiving is behind us and Christmas is just around the corner. Sadly, with Black Friday marking the official beginning of the Christmas season, it is easy for even the most spiritual of us to get caught up in the commercialism of it all.

Imperfect and Normal Families like ours must be very diligent to keep our hearts turned toward Christ during these days. If not, we run a huge risk of losing sight of the significance of His birth to our lives and to our world.

One way to keep both parents and kids focused upon our Savior is to utilize an Advent calendar of devotions and family worship times. The Village Church outside of Dallas, Texas (regularly podcast at the Johnson house) has produced an excellent Advent resource. For each of the five weeks leading up to Christmas, the guide contains a devotion for families AND a personal study guide that can be used by adults and teens. They also include an appendix with some great ideas for families with younger children.

You can find the document here: Download Advent-guide.

We pray that your family would draw closer to Christ and to one another as you work through these Advent worship times together. And we hope that your Christmas is filled with the hope and joy that can only come from the knowledge that our Redeemer has come into the world...and that He changes everything.

Knock Knock. Who's There? A Father Wound.

2011-11-18T10:18:37-05:00

I ran across a powerful video from poet Daniel Beaty. I don't usually get excited about performance art like this, but it's well worth the two and half minutes you'll spend on it. In the reciting of his poem "Knock Knock," he articulates the father wound he experienced and his response to it in adulthood.

While the disappointment you might have with your father might not be as significant as his, you can certainly relate to the regret that in some ways, your parents let you down. More importantly, it will cause you to reflect on your own parenting.

The challenge for us is to do all we can to let God lead us to be the parents that our kids desperately need. Only He can be the perfect Father, but we must strive to emulate Him. For the parents that we are will, in many ways, be the picture that our kids develop of God.

Knock knock....Who's there?

Glee Deals with "The First Time"

2011-11-09T14:53:17-05:00

Glee is a wildly popular and very entertaining show, effectively targeted at teens and young adults. For those of you who have been living on Mars for the past few years, it follows the lives of the students and teachers affiliated with the glee club at large high school. Riding the momentum of the "High School Musical" wave, the choir is made up of a diverse group of students, all united in their love of music. It is not uncommon for them to bust out in song to elaborately choreographed numbers at least three or four times an episode.

In addition to the natural likability of the show's format, Glee has tackled some pretty heavy topics over it's two and a half seasons.

Tuesday night's airing of Glee had two couples, one gay and one straight, losing their virginity. The episode was aptly titled "The First Time." Given the popularity of Glee with teenagers, it is likely that your kids either watched it, will watch it on online later, or will talk with others who watched it. Wise parents will make sure they are ready to talk about it.

The Parent's Television Council called the episode "reprehensible." PTC President Tim Winter said, "Research proves that television is a teen sexual super peer that can, and likely will, influence a teen’s decision to become sexually active. Fox knows the show inherently attracts kids; celebrating teen sex constitutes gross recklessness."

Contrast that with the viewpoint of the show's creators.

Chris Colfer, who plays a gay character describes it this way: "I think it's handled very sweetly and very emotionally," he said. "They're expecting this big, raunchy, suggestive, brainwashing storyline when really it's very sweet."

Colfer's perspective is exactly what concerns me. Presentations like this further tells our kids that as long as it is "sweet" and you are "in love" then it's all okay. And our kids are being fed an endless supply of this drivel. Without somebody to tell them differently, it is the perspective that, over time, they will develop as their own.

I spent most of this past weekend working on a book project designed to remind parents that it is their job to train and equip their kids to guard their future sexuality. The very health and strength of their future marriages depend on it. Seeing the content of this new Glee episode serves to remind me of what we are up against.

If you google "Glee First Time," you will get 50 million hits. Most on the first few pages are reviews of last night's episode. The best I can tell, all of them are glowingly positive. The world loves this stuff. So do our kids. Pray for opportunities to discuss these issues with the ones that live at your house. If your kids are fans of the show, you might try watching this episode with them.

Whatever you do, don't demonize it. It's too entertaining to be "bad" in their mind, so if you do that, your kids might think you're completely irrelevant and you will have lost your influence.

Stay clued in, parents!!

*For the curious out there who didn't get a chance to see the episode, there is a pretty detailed synopsis at Billboard.com.

Family Devotion Idea: Added Value

2011-11-03T15:30:08-04:00

*About twice a month, we try to post the outline of a family devotion that you and your kids can do together. Carve out some time with your kids for a fun and creative discussion this week!

Teaching Goal: God loves us for who we are, not what we do.

Scripture: Luke 15:11-32 Parable of the Lost Son

1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”

Materials:
Paper
$20 bill
Baseball or other trading cards

Lesson and Discussion:

*Words that are written in bold are when you, the parent, are speaking. Feel free to use your own words.

Tell the story of the Prodigal Son in your own words. If your children are familiar with the story then you may ask your children to tell you the story. Fill in the gaps. Emphasize the unwise decisions that the younger son made and how he ended up eating with the pigs. He finally decided to come home and his dad met him with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Even though the younger son made some bad choices and did some really bad things, his father still loved him. I want you to know that when you make bad choices and do bad things, it makes me sad but it does not change my love for you.

Jesus tells us this story because in some ways each one of us is the lost son, and he wants us to know that God our Heavenly Father loves us no matter what bad things we have done. God loves to hear us say, “I’m sorry,” change our behavior, and come home.

ACTIVITY:
Give each person a piece of paper. Let’s say that this is paper that we purchased to write on. Follow me and do what I do. Go outside, in the garage or somewhere that you can get the paper really dirty. Rub it in the dirt. Flick a few drops of water on the paper and crumple it up. Crunch the paper into a small ball in your hand. Now, unfold it. Is this still good paper for writing? Would your teacher accept homework turned in on this paper? Should we use it or throw it away? Throw it away because it has lost its value as writing paper.

Take out the $20 bill. Now, I’m going to do the same thing with this $20 bill. Rub it in dirt, flick some water on it, crumple it up and then unfold it. Should I throw it away? NO! Why not? Because it is still worth $20. We had two pieces of paper but one did not lose its value. The paper that is used to make a $20 bill is still valuable because the U.S. Government has added value to the piece of paper. The U.S. Government has said that even if it is dirty, wet, or crumpled, the bill is worth $20.

Just like the U.S. Government has added value to the $20 bill, God has added value to you. When you become a Christian and ask Jesus to live in your heart, he makes you clean and new again. Jesus is the added value in our lives. So even if you make sinful choices, Jesus still lives in you. When God looks at you he sees past all of the dirty sin to the beautiful heart Jesus is at work creating in you.

You can use baseball cards or other trading cards that are popular with the kids. If your kids are collectors you can ask them why certain cards have more value than others. This example uses baseball cards.

In general, two things tend to add value to baseball cards: how rare the card is and how unique the player on the card is. Here are two baseball cards. They are made out of the same kind of paper. Both have a picture on the front of a baseball player. If I tried to sell them, I would get a lot more for this one. Why? Let the children guess and share their answers. This card has a picture of one of the best players in baseball. This card has a picture of a very average player. The card of the good player is worth more because he hits more home runs, steals bases, pitches better, etc. The picture of a better player adds value to the piece of cardboard and people are willing to pay more for it. You can compare a variety of cards and even share stories behind why you might have collected the cards. If they are cards that belong to your children, listen to them talk about the cards and learn why they value them.

As Christians, believers in Jesus, we have added value. In the same way that the good player adds value to the card, Jesus adds value to us. Listen to what the Bible says about us, “You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God.” We are royal priests. When God looks at us he sees Jesus in our lives. We have added value.

If you liked this devotion idea, there are hundreds more available from Family Time Training. See the link on the right side of this page for more information.

A Ministry Opportunity...

2011-10-25T15:28:53-04:00

This isn't typical INFO for Families stuff, but I have a ministry need that social media might help with.

Does anybody in Atlanta know of someone who has a rent house available for a young family on the north side of town? Some Johnson Ferry folks are trying to help a new family in the church get on their feet and we are looking for options.

Please contact me if you have any suggestions...and please feel free to share with others.