Infocyde's Rants

And Thus it Ends, Thus it Begins

2026-04-10T00:42:00.004+01:00

I've always divided life into three problem types.

Nuisances: These are the problems we all encounter every day, we gripe at them.
Issues: These are a little more serious, job loss, financial hits, etc...
Problems: Divorce, Death, Serious Medical.

I'd say until 2021 I only had ever had a few *issues*. In 2021 I had a series of *Problems* and *issues* at the same time. These kicked my butt a little bit, and I've been functioning at a diminished capacity.

God is gracious. He allowed me a period of about 10 months of rest. I am thankful. I feel the mojo starting to flow back into me. During this time of rest I tried to get out to coffee shops about twice a week and study and code. Today is the last day for that. I might slip a few more visits in before Sunday when I fly out to start the new gig.

Thank you God for allowing me this time, being able to see the coffee shop folks, and places to get out.

For the foreseeable future it ends, as I will be working during the day and my work probably will net be cool with me sitting around at a coffee shop, at least for a good long while if ever.

So, the tours during the week, in the afternoons end. Kinda sad. But better things await.

Onward and Upward.

Been a Bit

2026-03-28T08:05:00.006+00:00

I'll keep this short. I became an official Californian in August of '25. I've been in sort of limbo and not really putting any roots down because I thought I'd be off to somewhere else sometime soon.

I got a job, start soon. Great opportunity that will be challenging. Right on time as I was getting depleted on all fronts.

I don't know what is going to happen, with the world, my son, with me, with my aging parents, my job. Biblically I'm counselled to not borrow worry from the future because today has enough trouble of it's own.

If you knew me you would know that would be tough for me, to just stay focused on the immediate, especially if variables are at play that aren't set that will affect future courses of action dramatically.

I'll say this, during this time "off the line" I've had a lot of time to process things. I think it is the last bit of the old life passing. I'll always be sad about things that happened over the last really 12 years. I think this really is a new chapter starting. And reasons to look back, beyond for reference points, will be few.

This will always make me sad. There are memories of my past life in Arizona, being married, the places I lived, the people I knew...there are aspects of all that I miss. I guess it should be expected, if things are meaningful there should be loss felt when they are gone.

I'm in a good space now. I think I will let the old life lay and move on. I think I mainly miss my pets, I'm down to one faithful dog. I miss what could have been. But I understand there is not could have now.

So onward and upward, once again. This time it is different. I can feel it. God has been working. I love Arizona, the desert, the thunderstorms. Always was a magical place for me. Always I think I will consider Arizona my home state. Visiting Northern Arizona though, it has a lot of ghost. I don't need them around. Phoenix is too hot. Coast too expensive. Midwest too close to my ex and too far from my ailing parents. Closer to my son but he is going to be with me most of the year soon. I go crazy plugging variables. Ponders for another day. And I think God with this new job is going to solve a lot of questions for me about my future.

Pray for me. I think I got an idea what the next six months is going to look like. Beyond that, not even worth thinking about with all the variables at play globally and with the people I know. It will get sorted. Until then I gotta a job, a dog, and beaches to walk, around the people I care about the most (though I still have good friends in AZ I miss).

Let's Go!

AI Art Space Rant

2025-12-04T21:59:00.006+00:00

Minor rant:

I reengaged on Twitter/X mainly to follow trends in AI/AI art. I've seen a lot of people come and go in that space.

The ones with the biggest followings ARE NOT necessarily the best. They seem to be able to master the art of self promotion better than others.

Most aren't bad, just not necessarily producing top tier stuff. Yet they remain while others have faded.

And I smile as I say creatively above, as it is prompt mastery, which is a real skill, but let's face it kids the AI models are the real creatives. You just contract them with an outline of your creative vision but the AI does the work. You are a prompter at some level of competence, and yes there is an art to that as well, but not even near on a scale of what the models do creatively for you.

And yes, there are some ai artist that are very creative and have big followings as they should. But many...

1) Learned a few prompts, and use those over and over and over again just altering the scene slightly. They aren't pushing out their knowledge of prompting and the particular quirks with different models as much as they could, instead just sticking to what has worked for them and reiterating. That is a choice and it is fine, but I like to see creative explorations of a variety of topics/models/styles.

2) Form little groups that self congratulate each other continually.

These first too just bum me out slightly, but this third group saddens me.

3) The "look what I can do" group, that actually does produce some amazing stuff (mainly video at this point). But then you analyze what they did, and they might have burned through 100 bucks or more on credits to get there. This is a divergence between those tools available to peeps that have big bucks and lesser tools available to those who don't. It is a natural thing that happens in every human endeavor pretty much. I don't know why it bums me out in the AI space more than other spaces...maybe jealousy?

As someone who believes in meritocracy it is a little frustrating to peeps who do bad arse stuff fade or remain less seen.

I'm not here to try to limit what people do. I've pushed a lot of slop in my time, not trying to limit others from doing the same (even though our definitions of slop might vary). I just worry more and more peeps with good stuff getting lost in the noise and those who have circled their wagons in little echo chambers blowing smoke of how good they are to each other.

Just Another Day

2025-11-11T09:23:00.003+00:00

To be honest, I forget the day I was married. I know the date, just forget the year. It was either '07 or '08. I don't put too much thought into it. Now, because it ended, it is just another day.

Momentum over Heroics. God help me Please!

2025-07-22T19:01:00.004+01:00

Since May I've kind of been fooling around unemployed. I have my son for the summers so I have spent time with him and lived with relatives to save money. I proclaimed I would start a business, but...sigh...I've been just f'ing around, sending a few resumes out, market isn't as bad as I thought but haven't sealed the deal on anything.

Well, the fooling around part starting to get bad. Relatives clashing with my son, me starting to get a little depressed at me not doing much, I even sort of checked out. Money starting to be a problem, ex doing crazy stuff that affects me and my son. The mini paradise vacation (my relatives live in a nice area, on many foggy days I have whole beaches mostly to myself) is starting to sour. I'm also a little bummed that I was 15 minutes ahead of most on LLMS/AI two years ago, but that advantage is long gone, with most techies up to speed on AI now, so my selling point is mostly gone.

So, time to ramp up the engines. No big promises to myself other than to just point at being productive and getting something going. Limited metrics, just momentum starting now.

Momentum over phantom promises of doing great things right away. Momentum over Heroics. Just being consistent, building small things, proofs of concepts, hello worlds with new tech, and I think excitement and catching a concept that I like and expanding upon is what will happen.

I also need to keep in mind that proven 100% God got me the last few jobs I had. Sure, I had the skills and experience to get me in the door, but no more than other people. He can do that again, if He choses. God is probably just waiting for me...nudging me with both good and bad things, to get serious, so He can show me what He will do next.

If it is just me, I'll flounder, most likely just not do much. But God is in the equation, if I let Him.

Let's see what God does. I also have to remember though that I have been a real stinker, and God is under no obligation to do anything for me. But ultimately, Jesus is my only hope. Always has been, always will be. So I hope Jesus does something, as without Him, I will go into the spiral I absolutely fear is coming. Please intervene on my behalf again Jesus, so I can provide for my son, not feel completely worthless in this world, and maybe have a little fun here and there during the trials that will never go away.

Lot of Emotion

2025-05-11T08:45:00.002+01:00

A lot of emotions running through me.

Back where I grew up, I didn't leave on a high note, it some ways it seems like I'm just picking up where I left off, only it is better.
Starting to think a bit about what I left behind in AZ. I realize I was not happy there, but not sure where I'm supposed to go next.
I think my soul is moving on from the past few years finally, but there is a tiny bit of resistance still, and deep sadness that surfaces every now and then. I think this is more final processing though, giving up what was as what comes is about to emerge.
I'm not stressed too much about jobs and money, which is strange.

Disengaged

2025-04-17T16:48:00.005+01:00

So, I thought I was in much better shape mentally than I thought. Temp move is complete, now I am quasi homeless. All my stuff is gone except the bare minimum (no real loss). I'm living with some relatives, stock pilling money until my job goes away in a few weeks. My son is with me, and his Mom still is having continual problems so he will be with me for awhile, which is great in most ways as I love him and would rather have him with me.

But something unexpected happened. I sort of checked out. I went into the digital ether, and kind of quit doing everything I should be doing. My job, after letting me know I was weighed in the scales and found not good enough to continue, now means nothing to me other than just a trudge that I must get through and a paycheck I need. I have ZERO desire to be there anymore. To me it represents the past. A lot of stress about what will come next, and I just sort of went into my room, shut the door, and goofed off online in very negative and unproductive ways when I have mountains of other things I could be doing.

Well, as much as I would LOVE to keep doing that, I can't. So today I'm going to attempt to reengage with live. My priorities now will be.

Jesus, getting right with God whom I let down, yet again.
My physical health. I'm not good to anyone if I'm a mess and can't function.
My son. I need to be there for him and not let my relatives fill that gap, as nice as it is.
My mental health. I really hate that term, mental health, but I realize now that I'm suffering from burnout or demoralization, whatever you want to call it. I'm in a very nice area now, even if I an jobless and broke in the near term, there are many things I can do being in nature and with my son, that can uplift my morale. It will be important because I think this transitional phase between jobs, and possibly careers (more on that later) will have rough spots.
Family. One of the reasons I am with my relatives is they are old, and will not always be around. I came here to spend time with the people I love, not run and hide from life in the digital haze. So I need to prioritize spending time with them and engaging with them.
Work and finding the new gig. Basically my attitude at work right now is phuck 'em. This is wrong, as they are nice people, gave me a great opportunity, and because of my actions in my control, and some that were not, I didn't perform as well as I could. They are making a logical decision to not try to fight to keep me around. Maybe if I would have rallied when I heard I could have changed minds, but...I got other things going on, and I didn't. The reality of it is this job is burnt and the bridge mostly destroyed. So I will prioritize it last. In its stead I will be doing soul searching about what I need to do the fight burnout, upskill, ponder side gigs to keep me going, and finding the next big gig if the side gigs don't sustain me.
Continued minimalism and downsizing. I still have a lot of tedious stuff to sort through, so I need to do that and slim things down to the absolute minimum. The plan is still to expat, but I'm praying about that and we will see... Either way, I don't need a bunch of junk. I have lost all my worldly wealth, so while I remain in this world I will be somewhat of a vagabond. I'm ok with that at his point.

Those are pretty much my marching orders, in priority. Let's see what the next phase, after the smoke clears, brings.

Edit: Some additional guidelines to help me.

Set aside 8.5 hours for sleep. This is life-ing 101, but for me this is hard. Because of bad time management, I often skimp on sleep, which causes existing health concerns to get worse.
Get my butt to church. Does this do anything magical? No. I know the Bible says "No not forsake the gathering of the assembly" so it is an obedience issue. Obedience is rewarded, probably by meeting fellow Christians that you can help encourage and they can help encourage you, assuming everything in the church is working right.
Stop eating so freaking much. I have a few over eating issues. 1) I was pretty athletic in the past, and burned lots of calories in the day. Now I'm a couch potato mostly, but I still eat like I'm an athlete. 2) When my sleep schedule is messed up, I eat for extra energy but the calories just go to fat.
Learn how to manage time without distractions. I'm essentially ADD at this point. Sure, I could medicate, but I think it would be better to train my mind how to handle distractions without medication. The key is to break things down to the smallest possible task possible, only focus on the next task in the queue, and learning how to stay in the queue and not wander out of it.
Walk, walk, walk. Consider light weight lifting.
Upscale and build. At least 10 hours a week starting next week, scaling to 30 if I'm unemployed for awhile.

Moving On

2025-03-12T19:53:00.001+00:00

Pretty tripping being homeless (I over dramatize, I have a temp home). I am out of my apartment and living almost rent free for up to six months to sock pile $ for whatever is coming next.

I've been so busy I haven't had time to really process these changes. I got rid of about 90% of my stuff and plan to get rid of more so I will be down to less than 5% of my things. In a digital world this is less of a big deal than in previous generations but still weird. I like it though, tired of moving a bunch of stuff around since it seems I tend to move a lot.

Today is a big day for me at work. It could be a disaster. If it is, ah well. I learned a bit. Most importantly I learned what I don't know, which is just as important sometimes as knowing what you don't know and then focusing on learning that. Sometimes there is whole swaths of knowledge that you never even knew that you were ignorant of.

God is at work doing things in my life and my immediate family's life. Whatever bumps along the way, including moves, job losses, possible health issues, God has an eternal (and temporal) plan in store for me. I just gotta keep going, even when I fall, keep pushing ahead.

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."
(1 Peter 5:7)

The Last Stretch

2025-03-06T16:35:00.002+00:00

Boom

Work four hours, hopefully minimally.
Furniture hauling comes at 2
Cleaning crew comes at 3
Hotel for the night, as I won't have a bed
Tomorrow pack, turn in keys, then on the road for 10 hours.
And thus it ends, and thus it begins. A new chapter.

"The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore."

(Psalm 121:8)

I came to the state I live in back in '97. Bounced to other states but this state has always been my home. I little unnerving leaving. I came here with just a car load of stuff. I leave here, all these years later, with a slightly bigger car and load of stuff, a dog, a son, and some debt. Kinda weird. But I love my son and my dog. God has been faithful to me even though I have not returned the favor. I've learned a lot. Whatever this next chapter of life is, probably the final chapter, I hope I apply what I've learned and follow God wherever He leads me and with a faithful heart (whole heart if I can swing it).

I've had some great memories along the way, but bad ones too. I hope many of the bad ones stay behind me but the lessons and wisdom I can glean from the bad ones is ever before me.

Onward and Upward. This vagabond...a stranger in a strange land, a passing pilgrim in this wild thing called life, moves on to the next chapter.

New Recipe, Hopefully Different Outcome

2025-03-02T18:18:00.003+00:00

I'm facing:

Just got official word my job is going away in three months.
Due to the above, highly unmotivated about work.
Even though I'm told I'm going away, lot's of high profile projects in my lap.
Moving, got less than a week.
I unexpectedly had to drop everything and fly out and get my son and bring him back for a few weeks.
My parents flew out to help, God bless them, so there is help.
Health issues causing me to lose a lot of sleep.

So, out of all this...here is my ideal situation. It may not be God's. But out of the ashes I hope to happen in the next six to seven months.

Be working mostly if not entirely for myself or with a small group of like minded people.
Be more healthy.
Know where I'm going to live. I don't need much. A data pipe, a bathroom, a bedroom or two, a bed, a desk, place to store a few things, a kitchen area, and a place for my dog. Ideally a mostly square box that is inexpensive that I can put up fake walls to create spaces.
Be closer to my son.
Walking closer with God.

Funny, the above should be in the reverse order.

Onward and Upward.

I've Been Putting Work Over Family. That Ends.

2025-02-26T17:30:00.006+00:00

My son cried randomly last night. I think it is because his mom got hospitalized so I flew out and scooped him. He was so happy to see all his friends again and be with me as we always have a good time. But timing bad, I've got a week to move out of my apartment, huge work projects, so even though I'm spending time with him and we are having fun, I had to punt him to his grand parents to try to finish up some work.

If I had even a couple months worth of savings I would have quit yesterday, dedicated the next few weeks to moving and having fun with my son. I don't though. It feels like crap.

I'm tired of working for the man. The man is what they are. You are a clog in the gears, and how you turn in the machine is ultimately all that matters to them, smiley faces or not.

And to be fair my job isn't evil. It is just a standard job. Heck it is even better than most IT jobs. Just standard IT jobs I think don't work for me anymore.

This will be the last time work > family. I'm all in from this point on to getting something going so I will have time for my son and the things that are important without work interfering as it always does.

I don't mind working, but with a special needs kid who needs extra care I gotta figure something different out. And I will.

Trying a New Work Strategy: Disassociation

2025-02-09T23:15:00.002+00:00

My new work strategy.

Work my 8.5 to 9 hours. No more.
Listen to what others have to say, but if it is bull shite, and it affects me, don't take it personally. Nod, keep my comments to myself, and smile.
No over thinking. Covering my butt but beyond that, just do what I'm told.
Being nice to everyone, but keeping contact minimal and work related.
When work is done, turning off my work computer, and turning to (and hopefully enjoying) non-work task.
Committing myself to more upskilling and pondering how I want to finish out my next 10-15 years of work life, and trying to get there.
Not letting work or stress eat my seed corn...meaning regardless of what I think work demands, there are hard limits, and then I'm off to do what it will take to make me better, some of it aligning with work, some of it not.
Trusting no one, always trying to have a plan B in grasp.
Letting the chips fall where they may.

In essence, doing my work, trying to do a good job, when when that metaphorical whistle blows, I'm OUT!

The Final Good Bye

2024-11-26T23:29:00.003+00:00

So, things just sort of happened. My dog was rubbing his nose a lot. I decided to take him to a vet. I decided to take him to the vet that saved his life up in Flagstaff. Originally I was going to get up early Saturday, but by Friday I decided to go up that night. And, well, the trip turned into a mini vacation.

On Saturday I went up to the Grand Canyon to take care of one last piece of business from my old life I had left there. It was good to get back, see my old haunts, walk my dog where we used to walk all the time, say goodbye again to my cat and my other dog that I lost there before moving out. It was bitter sweet though, as it was always my ex-wife's territory. She was the NPS person, I was just some random attached husband, and as our marriage disintegrated who knows what was said about me.

Anyway, I took care of business (mostly), hit the old places, then went to the rim and said good bye. On the way into Williams I did a lot of processing. My hearts desire is that I truly 100% turn the page on that chapter of life. Maybe because of the wounds I won't ever turn it 100%, and with my son I must deal with my ex. But if I can get 99% of the way there, and leave it all behind, and not think on it again except very briefly, that would be great.

It has been four years. I'd say the first year and a half were miserable. The next year and a half I was functional but still pretty sad. This last year, especially the last six months, I think I'm over it. I've had time to reflect on my parts of the marriage's demise, prayed a lot, and owned that the old life is long gone, my son and my dog now the only legacy from that life.

I'm glad God is generous to His creation, because part of this process of healing is owning that even though my ex did horrible things, I did as well. Mine were more subtle, but just as evil or worse. I failed to be the man I was called to be and love my wife sacrificially. I think if I would have done that our marriage would have had a chance, and maybe some of the things she did wouldn't have happened. I don't blame myself for her choices, but I'm just being pragmatic. Maybe if I did everything right our marriage still would have died. I'll never know.

Ultimately it was the greatest coldest betrayal I have ever experienced. I was in shock for a long time. I shouldn't have been. I was blind.

All water under the bridge, as life doesn't stop. No do-overs or taking backsies right?

Now the conflict is how much do I want to sacrifice of my remaining life for my son. The no brainer answer is do whatever it takes, he is your kid. I agree. But I don't want to uproot what little life I have to move to shitsville to be near him more. But I also don't want to be a uncle to him as others raise him. And my ex is making decisions that I don't agree with in parenting. So he could use my counter-influence. In a few years he is per agreement going to spend most of the year with me and summers with his Mom. I expect there will be reniging there.

So I'm processing all this. My head is at I wait for another year and he and I have one more summer together. My lease isn't up and my job as a contractor will shake out next year. Maybe after this one more summer I will move to where he is, and balance living it shitetown with living overseas for a few months of the year. I shall see.

I'm processing it all. But I am starting to clean and purge. I'm already pretty minimal. I'm going to the absolute basics, and as things shake out with my job and lease, I might ditch it all and vagabond it for awhile, or if I'm in a six month lease somewhere then I will keep some furniture but ditch all but the absolute minimum, and I will live in the smallest cheapest place I can. I don't need a lot of stuff or space anymore.

We shall see what happens.

On My Own

2024-10-15T22:21:00.004+01:00

Firstly, the title of this blog post "On My Own" isn't true. I've never been completely on my own. I've always had A FEW good people who have encouraged me, provided resources, and helped me along the way. More importantly, I believe that God's hand has been on my life. Heck I don't just believe that, I know that. Maybe I'll do a separate post to that, but God has saved me both eternally and in this life more than a few times.

So what is this "On My Own" title about? Let's give some context. I went through a marriage break up a few years ago. I not only lost my wife but I also lost where I lived, which my identity was also closely tied to. In moving away down to the big city I by the grace of God got a job that met my financial needs. I've since bounced around apartments and jobs. I reunited with two good friends. They will be friends for life (I think?) regardless of if I live close to them or far. Since the divorce and due to my political leanings my extended family has grown really distant to me. I'm close to my parents, and talk with an uncle and my sister on occasion, that is about it. My son due to the split lives with his Mom most of the year and is with me in the summers. Other than that it is just phone calls. In our agreement I should get him during other breaks too, but the cost of travel (he is about 10 states away) is just to great to make that happen. There is a decent church near me, but I'm having trouble getting there, I don't know why.

My point. I'm on my own. I have a dog, I meet some friends every now and then, and that is about it. Maybe twice a year I see my parents. I see my son during the summer and talk to him a few times a week.

Other context. The marriage killed me financially. Without getting "into the weeds" I once owned multiple properties, had a nice 401K, and had manageable debt. Now I have none of that, and although not a huge debt enough debt where it is a burden that I'm starting to think about it a lot.

The final piece of context. I've wanted to live overseas once I realized that with a software development gig I could. I've been thinking about this for decades. Sometime post 2016 I've started to feel like America is no longer home. I feel like an alien here. That has accelerated over the last few years. I'm by nature a political person and I can easily get sucked into the toxicity of everything going on. Plus the food in America, at the default level of what most of us buy and eat, is horrible. My health is declining, in part to what I eat.

So, here is the run down.

- No real ties to where I'm living
- Stagnating
- Unhealthy
- In debt

How can I fix this?

Debt: Well if I move over seas, ditch my car, and chose to live in Eastern Europe, I figured I could gain back about 4k a month. 4k. That would allow me to pay off my debt in a few years and put money aside. This is even counting the flying cost of taking my son to and from Europe once a year and an additional visit back.

Stagnation: What an adventure! Getting rid of the last of my stuff from my old life, and getting a new start. It might turn out horrible. It might be awesome. It might be meh. But at least I will have tried something. It is my experience that new things bring out the best in me.

Unhealthy: I know if I left for the unknown tomorrow my health would be a serious problem. So I have some time to prepare before I do. Look at that right there...motivation. I have a tiny little bit of motivation to get healthy so I'm around longer for my son. But it isn't as motivating as it should be I admit. The motivation so I can get into another relationship just doesn't do it for me anymore. I've always been pretty lame when it comes to the sex love and dating thing. I could put all sorts of effort into getting healthy for dating but you know what it would probably just be a waste of effort, so that doesn't motivate me. But getting ready for a trip, a change, a possible new life, that motivates me!! I've already started making changes that I haven't been able to do for the last 3 years.

No Real Ties: It is a bummer that I will be farther away from my parents who are getting up there in age. But I don't think they will hit any additional walls for a few years. And when they do I can come back for good or come back for a time. But just waiting around while my life ebbs based and their life ebbing isn't a good thing. I can go now, get the above benefits, and then come back if I need to. My son, though traveling would be more difficult, I would see him about the same. Though I do sometimes toy with moving to be near him and his mom at times, where they live there is just nothing for me other than seeing my son. It is a powerful draw, but so far something (maybe my selfishness?) has waved me off from doing that. My friends I will see less, but I will see them. And I have the ability once I've moved to make new friends as well, which I need. If it all falls then I come back humbled, but with a greater appreciation of what I had here. I don't think that is going to happen but it might.

So, why the "On My Own?". One of my close friends thinks it is foolish. I get excited about the possibility of moving and people just kind of poo poo it. What about this? What about that? You're crazy. I'd never leave the USA. My excitement and plans are challenged by those who I'd hope would be excited about them. It is a big bummer. And also when I leave on this adventure, which hopefully I won't be stopped from doing, it will be God, my dog, and me. Heck with those three that is all I need. But many would consider that being on your own.

So, I want my trips (I'll do a two month or so scouting trip first) to be well thought out and have a high chance of success. A lot of this depends on employment as well. More on that another time. It doesn't matter if I move to someplace cheaper but have zero income. But if God is in this I'll have something. And lastly, in a few years, if our agreement holds and it may not, my son will come to be with me most of the year. He is from Eastern Europe. It would be taking him back to his homeland, and I think good things will happen for him there vs the USA. I could be wrong. I will see.

I have seen God work before in my life where those who thought to pigeon hole me or do me harm God literally created a path for me pushing through their created barriers while they watched. I hope God will do that same now. Even my good friends who think this is foolish, I hope they watch in shock and awe. I hope they will one day in the future come and say, yeah, ok, it worked out for you. It was a good move.

One thing I've decided though, is to not seek permission, to not seek advice from people who know nothing about living abroad, nor seeking people's approval for my plans. I'm actually pretty pissed off that they think I'm being foolish when I research living abroad constantly. Do I think it will solve all my problems? No, but it will give me a new set of problems that might at least be a change of pace.

Jesus knows me better than myself. He knows if my plans are not good. But maybe He is the one moving me for purposes yet unknow, maybe just the above, maybe something more. I pray it is Jesus guiding me. If not, and this is a bad plan, I pray it would get shut down. I pray it doesn't. But I'm not asking others for confirmation or their opinions any more. If I'm going to do this, I'm just going to do this. And with the exception of a small few who find up out of necessity right before things happen, the rest can find out about it after the fact.

Into the new, on my own*.

OpenAI

2024-09-26T21:08:00.003+01:00

I love OpenAI. But 10 years from now I don't even think OpenAI will exist. It's model descendants will, but OpenAI itself? I bet it will be broken and absorbed. We shall see.

Sora -> No Where

Dalle-3 -> Left Hanging

ChatGPT-4o and Mini -> Pretty much everything built on ChatGPT-4 + Tweaking

OpenAI-o1 Preview -> Useful, but unfinished.

OpenAI-o1 Mini -> Good model, but not for everyday knowledge lookup

I worry Claude Opus 3.5, whenever they release it, will give the full releases of the next ChatGPT X a run for it's money.

Mistral and Meta waiting in the wings as well. Chinese models lately pretty good.

Again, I love OpenAI, not taking anything away from them, they are the little g AI gods, but it is hard to stay on top, and there are signs that they won't. I'm talking long term.

Flashback

2024-09-17T07:57:00.004+01:00

The heat finally broke in the Phoenix metro. I was outside, below 90, slight breeze. It felt awesome. I looked up at the clouds. Two stars near each other were briefly outlined before some clouds obscured them, the stars reminding me of my dog Zoey's eyes.

Boom. Instant flashback to four years ago. I am in my brand new class A RV parked near the national forest on the East Rim of the Grand Canyon. I am outside enjoying the cool evening. My wife and son are inside.

I know my marriage is in trouble but have no clue how bad it is. I have quit my job to watch my special needs son a few months earlier, liquidated my retirement, and bought this RV with the idea that when my wife changes jobs we will just "move our house" plus it is an adventure. Maybe it was sort of a last gasp for us. My dog Zoey has cancer and has not long to live. My cat Niko will soon escape and be eaten by coyotes one night. But that is later.

I sit under the awning of my RV and look up into the brilliant night sky. I look at my son through the window into his bunk and wave.

I think at the time I was desperate for some sort of peace. I could tell the wheels where coming off. I was so angry at the world and the politics going on at the time. During that day I actually sat outside and got some peace. I had a sort of Zen moment where I was listening to the wind whisper through the nearby trees and I relaxed. It felt really nice. After dinner I was hoping to repeat that. Grab a few minutes under the stars. I invited my wife outside but she declined, which actually was OK by me as I was enjoying just chilling alone.

It was nice, that day, and that night (might have been a few nights). The RV seemed to be working out. I was calmer. My wife briefly seemed happier. My son was doing his thing and I was taking him to day care which had reopened. I had some time to myself. It was the calm before the storm.

Then my cat Niko died. Then Zoey died. My wife started "hanging with friends" a lot after work down toward Phoenix. Then she quit returning text and calls right away, even though I know she had her phone glued to her hand. Our wedding anniversary came up, I wanted to go out, she declined. More stuff. I finally hand enough and we had "the talk". Fast forward two months later I had moved out, the RV was in the process of being sold, and she was gone. I offered to try counseling, but the answer was always the same, "not yet". Then it was even on my end not ever.

But, even though that flashback hit me like a fierce blow, I appreciated the peace at the time. A little grounding maybe, a little quiet, before the storm. Four long lonely years ago.

Feast

2024-09-11T00:53:00.000+01:00

Trader Joe's Penne Pasta with Ricotta cheese and peas.

Can of Sausage Gumbo Soup,
Some taco bell hot sauce.
Some sun flower oil heat up on skillet.
A few meatballs

Add in some green beans with almonds on the side.

Feast

The Plan

2024-08-09T21:42:00.001+01:00

Due to the thriving economy and numerous financial hits over the recent years, I plan to-

* Downgrade my living, 1 bedroom apartment, less nice
* Minimalism. I'm pretty minimal as is, but anything I don't use is going away before my next move.
* Ditch my car once I can break even on it
* Meal planning
* Move abroad
* Start getting more aggressive in upping my income, getting a business going
* Assume I'm on my own
* Surgery

Downgrade my Living. One bedroom apartment in a different area could save me 200-300 bucks. Up to 1000 in a different state, minus the about 3k cost of moving/new apartments.

Minimalism. I take up less space, I have less to organize, and if something happens there is less stuff for others who don't care about any of it to sort and toss. Plus I'm nimble, I can move in a uhaul load or if abroad pack everything I need into 3 bags + my dog.

Ditch my Car. With uber and food delivery services, not having a car is less of a hit (as long as I work from home) than it used to be. I figure with insurance, gas, maintenance, car payments, the real cost of my car is about 1k a month. I can do a lot of uber rides and delivers for 1k a month. And I can scale, not use a lot some of the time, so I'd save maybe 300 bucks a month there. It would also force me to walk more which is good.

Meal planning. Got to devote half a weekend day to meal prep and freezing so I won't have the temptation to eat out and waste money.

Move abroad. This could save me up to 20K a year in taxes and non-debt payments by almost half. There are complications with living away from family and friends, and moving D back and forth between his Mom and I, but for a variety of reasons this is looking more and more appealing to me. America is a great deal for most of you, but for me due to some missteps and financial hits, it isn't the best deal for me anymore. The dream has taken wings and flown away from me.

Income Upping: I wouldn't say I'm lazy, but I wouldn't say I'm the most hard working person either. I've got to be more aggressive about studying and getting business ideas going. This will involve much better time management. I like to brood and surf late into the evenings, and in some ways it is a good thing, but I gotta be more productive with that time.

Assume I'm on my Own. I love having a support network, but it won't be there forever, I've got to get ahead of my problems before that support network is gone / diminished.

Surgery. I could have at least one surgery that would make my life better, but I avoid it because it would be a brutal recovery process. I might, if I can swing it, just get it done. It only has about a 50% chance of being successful and could make things worse, so I mull this one.

-------------------

All I'm doing now is treading water till the next crisis hits, which it surely well. I need to get ahead of things, reduce cost and increase cash. 101 ideas, but I actually have to do them now rather than just think of them. I'm tired of money being an issue. If I have to live in a cave I will.

If I do all of the above I think I could potentially save about 3000 a month, which would get me out of debt fast in a few years, get D better squared away with some funds for the future, and squirl away a little bit for retirement (which for me will not be that long).

Sad, I make good money, work for a fortune 500 company in the AI space, and I'm still in a precarious position due to big hits over the last five years that I can't seem to get out of. Time to get radical.

So how do I make this fun and not a chore? Gamify it. Make it an adventure. That is why the living overseas is really appealing. Pack my bags and take off. Maybe establish myself in Bulgaria so D can come back to his homeland. But it puts me away from a lot of people, but in reality I can be back in 2-3 days if I need be. Less than the 24 hours if I was in the states, but it is what it is.

Another option is to just say frack it, lead it ride, and watch everything implode, and pick up the pieces. I'd probably just move overseas after that happened anyway, so why not do it in an ethical manner where everyone gets paid, I meet my obligations, and possibly get ahead.

My thoughts for now.

What Will Be

2024-03-01T17:57:00.005+00:00

So, I've been around for awhile. I've had my ups and downs. Some of the downs I've brought upon myself, some are beyond my control, some everything in-between.

Had something come up recently and of course it happens at one of the worst possible times it could. Expensive, affecting my work, and causing me to get really, really pissed off and fearful about the future.

But, like I've said, I've been around. I've been in this rodeo before. I have to cling to the fact that God has got this even if I don't. He took into account my future failures a long time ago. And sure, if I handle things poorly, I will miss out on some things. But even despite that I will not be destroyed, and even if I lose everything down the road I will get new things.

So, I am trying to chill and not be overwhelmed resting on that. Trying to not get frustrated about the parameters I don't have control over. Where I screw up acknowledging it and moving on rather than letting a failure beat me up, and I'm trying to just...chill and be productive where I can be. Do what I am able to do, and then let go and let everything fall into place without fear or stress.

What is gonna happen is gonna happen. And 9 times out of 10 it turns out to be nothing to worry about or not nearly a big a deal as I thought it would be.

My AI Rant

2024-02-17T04:02:00.001+00:00

As you were writing this I was testing out an new AI system, I won't say which one. It was advertised as uncensored, and to my great surprise it actually was fully uncensored (well, within the limits of what I tested), which I have never scene before due to legal reasons. Apparently this company doesn't care, or even worse it is honey potting since it is associated with a lot of conservative people, which again that it was uncensored was weird. I get the not censoring it politically but in other things? People are really dumb these days, and you can do a lot with chat logs... It seems like it's system prompts aren't protected in anyway, so like the OpenAI GPT store you can jailbreak the prompts. I learned a bit by doing this. I poo poo 'ed prompt engineering as a made up thing, but there really is some art and science to it. To the AI companion thing, it is an under the table thing that has existed for in some capacity for at least a couple of years if not longer, and it will grow. Not all of it is negative, but in the sense of it taking the place of real connections, it is sad. It is a salve on a wound. Like everything in our society, we attempt symptom alleviation rather than root cause analysis and fixing. The world is finding out lopsided population pyramids are bad for societal sustainability. Will everyone just sit around and have sex with silicon robots powered by AI? Or do the same virtually? What does that mean? We get to find out, as they are in alpha form already here, just you won't hear about them as they are not something polite civic company talks about much. But yep, they exist, are being manufactures, and sold. Combine ai companions with robotics, ai, virtual/augmented reality, a "metaverse", and what was known as reality goes off the rails really fast. I'm actually surprised it isn't farther along, but I think in the next few years all this is going to explode. I also don't think societies will last in the current form. I really do think God will step in before this, genetic engineering, and worse things all converge so there are no real humans left. Tic toc.

Another huge problem that will fuel this is unemployment. Efficiency gains by using AI will start causing disruptions. And once robotics hits a certain point, probably in the 2027 range, a cascade is going to happen. Then you have people scrambling for work. A lot of people get a lot of their identity and social connections from work. There will be a growing void, AI powered "entertainment" both adult and non-adult will start filling that void. It will be cheap or subsidized to keep people content while power is further concentrated into the hands of fewer and fewer. Dystopia scenario where you live in assigned housing, work some fake job for a few hours a day, get universal basic income, eat your lab meat and bug protein, then entertain yourself with AI super entertainment while the world goes south is a very real scenario. Of course all the "smart" people will meet in Davos and figure it all out for us. The same people who are backed by the people who have caused all the messes our societies face now. I'd rather have AI figure it out, but by then they will have buried so many "guard rails" in AI it won't.

Then when the top own it all, and most production is automated, and the masses are just "useless eaters" as they refer to them in their writings, then that is when the fun starts. Unless it is stopped Morlocks and Eloi. But how can it be stopped when people like me aren't even listened to about the bad things that are already happening. Now accelerate all that with AI. It is coming, and only Jesus himself can stop it. If He doesn't exist, unless you are the 1%, in 50 years time neither will you. And sadly, because AI is so good at manipulating humanity, most of you will view this as a good thing if allowed to happen. We will have saved the earth. We will be restoring paradise. We will be a space fairing race, we will have solved hunger, pollution, disease, and to a degree even death. We will augment with AI fueled genetic engineering and be jacked into a global network of all knowledge at our finger tips. We can cheer, we did it! We built a new species! The only problem is that the we doesn't include you, even though you paid for it with your labor, your knowledge, your patterns. But all along the way they will have convinced you that your own demise is for the good, and you will believe it.

Finding my Wizard's Tower

2024-02-16T19:28:00.005+00:00

I know why monks, magicians, and crazy scholars would go off to some remote area and just wish to be left alone to do their thing.

Though I can't claim the same level of intellect, I get it.

The difference for me would be to get away from what I know, a place where I can forget the bad parts, rejoice in the good parts.

Knowledge in and of itself is just vanity without context. To know too much of a thing but not putting it in the right context can weigh hard on your soul.

I know a lot about dark things. Much of my recent life is trying to put what I know in the right context so it doesn't take me down. But I still know it. It is still there. I can keep it out of my day-to-day thinking, but it doesn't take much to trigger it and have it all flow back.

Give me a forest on a nice day, wind whispering through the trees. I would rather know about that, what birds are in the area, are they the same ones as a few days ago? How are they doing? Sitting on a vista looking down at a beautiful valley. Give me that 100x over esoteric knowledge that poisons the mind.

Why the angst? I'm feeling the pull...I'm feeling that old energy flow into me. I'm starting to see things again. I'm not sure which side this actually comes from.

This is not good. I need to hit that forest vista a pray hard. I don't want to get sucked into what I know is coming in the wrong way.

It may not be up to me. But if I'm used, I'd rather be used in helping individual people navigate this world in the quite of relative obscurity. The larger stuff, I'll pass.

So I'm off to find my monk's monastery, my wizard's castle, my old hermits hut. Let the world spin in it's corruption leaving me largely untouched. And those who I can help, they will cross my path. They will find me.

I will no longer live as a target and in misery finding them. I'll let God do that, and if he brings none, that is more than fine too :). I've got a family to raise, and a simple life to live. I'll chalk up my education in the dark as an unfortunate detour that I will be happy to forge.

Gladiators

2023-08-31T16:56:00.002+01:00

I remember from my history classes that when gladiators first started fighting in the games, a lot of rich spoiled romans from the upper classes saw how the masses adored successful gladiators and they decided that they wanted to fight in the arena too. What came next was a slaughter and the upper classes were quickly banned from the arena for their own safety.

Fast forward to now. I moved to a well off area. I'm surrounded by people covered in tattoos, that are cut, and walk around looking hard. To me they are the wannabe gladiators of the past. The tattoos mean they are people of means, those tats aren't cheap. Cut, means they have time to hit the gym all the time, again a product of having leisure time which is usually generated by wealth. And the hard look to me is all them wanting to appear like gladiators. But just like the Patricians of old pretending to be hard Plebeians, if the enter the arena they will fold.

Macro this out to American society in general. We have a lot of machismo rich males thinking they are rambos. Once we face a "near peer" in a conflict I worry all these idiots will fold. Most are painfully oblivious to the decline of their society. They are from the upper crust and their interest are secured, so they can drive their jeeps out in the desert, shoot their guns once in a while, bang the stupid bimbos that are attracted to them, and fantasize about being hard without any real cost to them. All the while their non-participation and non-attention to the various problems in society causes those problems to fester and grow. Less tats more attention to what is going on would be nice.

These tattoo covered idiots are just starting to bum me out. Rich kids in role play. Note I know people from the streets that look similar, but on the inside are true gladiators that have overcome serious challenges to achieve much. What are these idiots that clog up the coffee shops during the week and the desert off road trails on the weekend achieved other than living on the wealth generated by ones that left it to them, either in the form of trust funds or businesses already built that run themselves?

These guys bum me out.

What I SHOULD Do

2023-04-04T19:41:00.003+01:00

Sometimes you just know what you should do but don't do it.

1) I wouldn't move to another apartment in the city where I'm at. I'd stay where I'm living now, maybe go month-to-month. Moving right now is a distraction and an expense.

2) I'd research cities where energy production is a major part of their economy. I think the dollar is going to lose it's reserve currency status in the next few years, and when it does it is going to be bad. Not mad max bad, but close. And I expect the general standard of living in the US to go down by like 40%. That is roughly about how much our GDP is produced through "financialization". Without the Federal Reserve printing press all that stuff shrinks. But real economic production becomes more valuable. So I would relocate to a city and get a job at a company that is involved in that. If I was smart I'd start looking for a job in one of those cities NOW.

3) I'd quit fooling around and focus on studying and side projects a lot more than I am now. I want to increase my value not let me get closer to an IT shelf life.

4) In a new city I'd live in a place (rent) that has as small a footprint and is as inexpensive as I can that is in a good neighborhood. Good neighborhoods will become bad neighborhoods, and bad neighborhoods will become horror shows when the dollar goes down. So I'd strive to live in the best neighborhood possible.

5) When able, get into property. Even if it means living on well / sceptic in an old RV. Own it free and clear and low taxes. Once in the space start storing up long shelf food.

6) Hopefully live close to my ex or convince my ex to move closer to me so I can see my son more. Travel will be restricted, maybe a little more dangerous, and more expensive.

Two Shelties

2022-08-18T01:18:00.006+01:00

So, I was back at my folks house recently. I brought my son and my dog. I took my dog out for a walk and went down a street that I hadn't been walked down in over 30 years. Walking down that road brought back some memories from high school walking my sheltie. On that road there was another sheltie that would charge us and then hang out observing his/her mirror image in my dog as we walked by. I don't think of my pets that I grew up often but this walk brought back a wave of memories about my sheltie dog Chewy. He was a good dog, and there is some guilt associated with him as he was neglected by my family during my high school years. Everyone was so busy he kind of was just left by himself out in the back yard for long periods of time. It wasn't good for him. Towards the end of my high school years I started feeling guilty and I would take Chewy out on a walk not every day but most days. I'd also take him jogging with me through a park sometimes. My father ended up putting him down when the cancer in his leg got so bad he couldn't go for his walks anymore as that was my Dad's redline. I was away at college and I didn't get to say goodbye. As I walked back to my folks house with my dog I imagined walking Chewy along side of me. Some good came out of Chewy's neglect though, as I've had numerous dogs in my adult years and all of them have been inside dogs that are with me pretty much all the time except when I'm out doing errands or at work. They benefit from poor Chewy's legacy.

So my dog now, the ghost of Chewy, and a lot of memories walked by the ghost of the sheltie who used to charge us. The memories actually hit me pretty hard for some reason. I took my hat off when I walked by the home where the other sheltie had lived. I thought about Chewy and other lost pets. I'm getting old. Chewy passed away over 34 years ago. I don't know if animals that lived on earth are brought back to life when Christ raises us all up again, but I hope to see Ace, Zeus, Shylow, Grover, Chewy, Stalker, Acer, Grover II, Heidi, Big Red, Lazlo, Niko, some nameless fish and mice, and Zoey in my future again, as well as the many animals I encountered in my travels like the sheltie on the corner.

Till then they live in my memories.

The Glass is Half Full

2022-07-02T20:39:00.003+01:00

It isn't all bad. 2021 took it's toll on me. The previous decade as well. But in it all, there are some good things. Let's recap-

My health. In around 2016 and again in 2019 I hit some major out of the blue problems. Compared to Covid they were way worse. At one point I called my parents and told them it was it. I truly believe that as my body was starting to shut down and they didn't know what the hell was wrong with me other than my body just stopped sleeping. If I got three hours of sleep a night it was amazing, most of the time it was less. After a prolonged period of that I really started to suffer. Other issues arose. Anyway, fast forward to now. I sleep OK, and some of my long standing health issues are going away. My health is better than it has been in about 7 years. That is a good turn.
I was literally one day from a homeless shelter. As my marriage fell apart I had about 500 bucks in my bank account. I decided I wouldn't beg for money. I was going to take that last 500 bucks and head to a sporting goods store and buy some camping equipment, then head to Flagstaff and find a shelter and say fuck life. Fast forward to now. I did get a loan, got hired to a Sr position, and without asking they upped my pay by about 20k. Due to the divorce I've struggled with the job, but it has provided me the income I need to survive and navigate through the divorce. I also got a really nice apartment with a nice pool that my son loves, the apartment is dog friendly, and it is in a place that made it easy for me to shuffle my son up north and back every weekend.
I had some friends rise up and stand with me during the divorce. Where I was totally isolated living in the national park, getting back to the big city where I had some friends really helped out.
I was lead to a good church which helped me whither the storm.
I met a few friends in my apartment complex so I have some people to chat with on occasion. I'm not a big socialite but having a few people to say hello to and chat for ten minutes here and there make a huge difference in my quality of life.
My son is with me for the summer.
I am in Southern Arizona again. That place has always been sort of magical for me. The magic is fading as the state's population grows, but some of the magic is still there. I enjoy glimpses of it when I see it.

There is still a lot of bad. But it isn't all bad. I expect some big hurdles coming. Not sure how sustainable a few things are. But God sustained me through this last year and a half, before that, and He will beyond that. I should have died a few times over the past seven years but each time I was spared. God has something for me down here. I just need to pursue His will and I will get by and maybe even do more than get by. My eyes need to be on God's kingdom though. I look at my time here now as bonus time...I'm in OT, I still have a chance to participate in what God is up to around me if I want, hopefully I will be wise enough to do so.