Ink and Beans

DJ Pauly D Does Me a Solid

2010-02-23T21:52:00.001-05:00

Serendipitous timing that I just reported on my two year progress days ago, pointing out that in that time the blog had received about 25,000 visitors total. As of yesterday morning that total had, predictably, changed little.

I looked at my Analytics just now and saw that yesterday I had over 9,000 hits. Hmm, I thought to myself, this is the first time I've ever seen Google malfunction. What's the world (wide web) coming to?

But it was no malfunction. It took a little detective work to figure out the catalyst since the traffic seemed to surge from several sources... but much of it came from Facebook. A little more digging and behold: Pauly D shared the link to his Lifetime Achievement Award on his Facebook page.

[cue chorus of angels]

Just the nod alone would have been enough to rock my world. But 9,000 hits? And as if that wasn't enough of a bonus, Pauly boosted my Google cred big time. Previously whenever I googled "jersey shore quotes" I was anywhere from number 8 to number 14 on the list. Now I'm number one.

You heard that correctly. For the moment, according to Google, Ink and Beans is THE authority on quotes from the Jersey Shore.

DJ Pauly D, I don't know about the effect your beats have on other guys' girlfriends, but you just made me c** in my pants.

Addendum: It's two days later and all is back to normal, both in terms of my traffic and Google rankings. But still, that was fun.

Rejection Road: First MFA Responses

2010-02-21T14:08:00.000-05:00

Got my first two responses from MFA programs - a rejection from top choice Austin on Friday, and another from the University of Wisconsin the Friday before that. Even though I have seven more applications pending, I am predictably more nervous now about my prospects of getting into any program at all. Just gimme one in the bag so I can calm the F down!

At the very least it has spurred me to begin formulating -- if only for the psychological benefit -- a Plan B that I can live with, in case I get into none of these programs.

One detail included in the note from Wisconsin that surprised me that was surprising is that they received over 600 applications, for six spots! Less than a 1 percent acceptance rate. Wisconsin's MFA program is unusual in that it only accepts applications for fiction every other year, but I wonder how much this reflects the economy. Did the recession inspire everyone to become a writer?

These responses from schools arrived much earlier than I anticipated. Some how I got it in my head that answers would come starting mid-March and through mid-April. But Seth Abramson's generous application response time database -- which helps one estimate when they'll hear from various MFA programs based on their response times from last few years -- tells me that I am actually more likely to get most of my responses between now and mid-March.

It seems Indiana University is already making acceptance phone calls, but according to the discussions raging over at the MFA Blog (over 4,000 comments in the last two weeks!) Indiana hasn't finished their selection process either.

I may very well hear from UMass-Amherst and Michigan this week. Brown and UC-Irvine in mid-March. UVA will probably come last in late March. And Florida's past response times were all over the place, so who knows?

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 2

2010-02-21T13:57:00.001-05:00

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

I'm finally caught up, and what a treat it was viewing this episode again with a full season perspective.

The Situation continues to court Sam the "Sweetheart," who is completely tickled by all the attention until her fall from grace and reemergence as Darth Sammi. Was the Situation guilty of brazen cockiness in the matter of Sammi? Obviously. But her coldness is still hard to believe -- making out with Situation at the club and then minutes later making out with Ronnie. When the Situation sees this and grows angry she is utterly unapologetic, deriding the guy for even thinking she was ever interested at all. Angelina, who until her premature departure was the show's moral compass, decides she wants to push him off his high horse too, and makes his night even worse by chasing a few consolation girls off the roof.

Speaking of Angelina, the Forgotten Bitch, she certainly gives Sammi a run for her money, though to her credit Angelina makes no claims of "sweetness." She has a fun night at the club which she cannot recall the next morning, and worries she's cheated on her boyfriend. She calls him in a panic and is angered when he says he's in a meeting and must call her back. She dials him repeatedly, spitefully, offended he won't take her call and assuage her guilt and anxiety immediately.

Snooki struggles to repair her reputation in the house after her wild first night, and gets a pep talk of sorts from Sammi. Vinny gets pink eye the morning of his first day of work at the t-shirt shop. Ronnie has a theory how it happened. Jwoww gets a taste of Pauly D despite her boyfriend back home. And Pauly D throws the first punch of the show (which I'd totally forgotten). Lots of action.

Best Quotes

7. "Me and my friend Robbie wanted to watch the sun set... no, the sun RISE." – Snooki

6. "I don't give a fuck if you're fat, you're ugly, you're forty-five years old, I'll dance with you." – Vinny

5. "I'm a cock block. Mm-hmm." – Angelina

4. "Time to get some Ron-Ron juice in my system." – Ronnie

3. "I just saw your penis." – Jwoww (to Pauly D)

2. "They don't call me Sammi Sweetheart for nothing." – Sammi

1. "In a weird Snookers world, like, me and Snookers would make like the best little guidos and guidettes… little poofs and blowouts on our little kids." – Pauly D

Honorable Mentions

"The party's in Pauly D’s pants tonight." – Pauly D

"I left the club early because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend... and, I felt like eating ham and drinking water." – JWoww

"Look at me. I'm all fucking natural baby, and I'm hot." – Angelina

"I hit him right in the nose. That's the best spot to hit someone. Only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose." – Pauly D

"Holy shit. That's like a whole drama situation right there." – Pauly D (referring to Sammi's switch from Situation to Ronnie)

"Don't let the spiked hair fool you. Like, I'm not a bitch." – Pauly D

"This is what you get for putting a fat girl's ass in your face." - Ronnie (to Vinny when he reveals he has pink eye)

"You figure diving through the fat chick's legs maybe she let something out when he was sliding through and particles got in his eyes or something." – Ronnie (referring to Vinny's pink-eye)

"She didn't sell anything, so Danny put her on, like, hangers duty." – Pauly D (referring to Angelina's poor salesmanship)

"I am the fucking princess of fucking Poughkeepsie." – Snooki

"I just feel like I'm not, like, mature enough to be on my own right now." - Snooki

"I just want to have a good time. I'm an amazing-ass, gorgeous, tan guidette." – Snooki

"My ideal man would be Italian, dark, muscles, juicehead, guido... if I found that guy I would snatch him like that." – Snooki

"There's not really much between her ass and the guy-she's-grinding-on's..." – Vinny (referring to Angelina)

"She wants to have fun AND she wants to have a boyfriend. Like I want to have my cake and eat it too. And like I'll play that game. I'll be that guy. I don't care." – Pauly D (about JWoww)

"It was like a Johnnie, or like a Donnie." - Sammi (trying to help Angelina remember who she left the club with)

"I think I might have my hands in your Kool-aid tonight brother." - Ronnie (to Situation, joking that he might move in on Sammi)

"She has a boyfriend at home, but I predict her not having that boyfriend anymore." - Pauly D (about JWoww)

Lifetime Achievement Award

And thus begins the Situation's Auerbach-like dominance of the Lifetime title.

"So I guess you're a negative three, eh?" – The Situation (to Angelina, when she tells him that every girl he brings home is a "zero")

"As far as I know everyone loves the Situation. And if you don't love the Situation. I'm going to make you love the Situation." – The Situation

"Even though I am a little bit of a player... at the same time she does see that I'm a sweetheart and maybe that, you know, we could vibe enough for, you know, I can cut that out." – The Situation

"If you want to look like someone like the Situation - which is definitely going to be pretty hard – ah, you need to get that protein in your diet." – The Situation

"I could sell t-shirts standing still. As a matter of fact, I just sold one, right now." – The Situation (during interview)

"You like the Situation now? Me too." – The Situation (to Danny, his boss)

"Everybody loves me. Babies, dogs, you know, hot girls... cougars." – The Situation

"I just have unbelievable mass appeal." – The Situation

"Me and Sam were vibin'. It's not a matter of 'if,' it’s a matter of when I decide." – The Situation

"Ronnie, he's not an ugly dude by any means. I’m not a hater at all. It's just sometimes you got it, you got the lingo, you can talk to girls, and sometimes you ain't got it." – The Situation

"It should be very interesting tonight, considering Sam is in love with me and Ronnie is also in love with me probably too because, you know, he wishes he had what I had." – The Situation

"What is going on right now???" – The Situation (when he witnesses Sammi making out with Ronnie)

"Snap. Yeah. That’s what happens." – The Situation (referring to Pauly D’s right cross)

"You're attracted to other people whether you have a boyfriend or not. Okay? You add a little bit of liquor in that and, wow, what's up, you just cheated on your boyfriend." – The Situation (referring to Angelina)

Royal Bitch Tiara

This new award goes to Sammi, for obvious reasons, but also Angelina, for her seemingly arbitrary decision to further ruin the Situation's night by verbally bashing him and the girls he's hitting on upstairs.

"There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. Like if a girl's a slut, she should be abused." – Angelina

"I don't know why he thinks I like him like that. Like, I don't want nothing to do with you Mike. Honestly? Like, yeah I hooked up with you, but I went to Ronnie." - Sammi

"Mike I love you because you're my friend for a long time [read: less than a week] but I'm like really not having respect for you anymore." - Angelina

"Like, Mike, you turned into like a total bitch. Like you were jealous, throwing me middle fingers like we were something. We were nothing." - Sammi

Worst Exchange

Ronnie: "You crushed him tonight. Do you realize that?"

Sammi: "I was never his thing."

Ronnie: "You crushed his life, like, he doesn’t know what to do with himself right now. He's hating life."

[both laugh maliciously]

Ronnie: "You hooked up with him?"

Sammi: "No."

Ronnie: "Heh heh heh, it’s what he keeps saying."

Best Exchange

Second Place

In retrospect these dialogues are both hilarious and heart-wrenching. Ronnie is unabashedly sleazy before Sammi gets her hooks in, and the Situation, claiming he's unconcerned, still cunningly puts out feelers to see whether he's got competition.

Ronnie: "I kinda can't wait to get out. I'm going to get so much ***."

Situation: "You had your chance last night."

Ronnie: "If I was just going to get sloppy I should have just pounded out what's her name on Friday."

Situation: "Which one?"

Ronnie: "I mean on the first night. Schnickers."

Situation: "I just think you like Sam. Not necessarily like her. Maybe want to hook up with her..."

Ronnie: "I'd pound out Sam."

First Place

Again the Situation is digging, even tries a little preemptive sabotage, and is... less than successful.

Situation: "What do you think of Ronnie?"

Sammi: "I like him."

Situation: "He's like, raw."

Sammi: "You think he’s raw?"

Situation: "Like he says some..."

Sammi: "Yeah..."

Situation: "...some like, crazy shit."

Sammi: "He’s badass, a little bit. Like he doesn’t care what he’s gonna say."

Situation: "He just says like some like… I want to pound out every girl in Seaside... -type stuff, that's how he is... he just talks shit."

Sammi: "I think he's funny."

Situation: "I will admit that he says it in like a funny way."

Dalai Lama Humility Award (note: Award is bestowed for shunning purposes only)

"I'm not a strong person, like, I look." – Snooki

Famous Last Words Award

"I was like, do I have a little competition I was thinking, with Ronnie, but then I was like... nah, I don't, ah heh." - The Situation

Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse

"I'm not kissing you because you have throw-up breath." - Snooki (bidding good night to boy from club)

WTF Award

"I want to bring home guys and it's hard. It shouldn't be hard but it is hard because it's the Jersey Shore. You know?" – Snooki

Jersey Pride Award

"When I think of the Jersey Shore I think of a playground, like, this place, this is not a place that you come to work." – Angelina

Staggering Ambition Award

"I feel like this job is beneath me. I'm a bartender. I do, like, you know, great things." – Angelina

Amnesty International Compassion Award

Loses something without the sentimental piano chiming in at "whole other person" but still touching.

"Did I not like you the first night? I'm gonna tell you honestly. No. I did not like you. I'm like, is she that sloppy girl? The next day when I was like don't get your throw-up breath on me, cause I was like so eww about the first night, but that's just me, like I get like that, like I don't like girls that got like problems like that. I throughout the day like saw a whole other person and you made me change and realize, I don't know this person I'm not gonna judge her." – Sammi (convincing Snooki to stay)

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Season Finale

2010-02-21T12:42:00.003-05:00

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

"May the Shore rise to meet you, may the Grenade always be at your back, may the tanning bed shine warm upon your face..."

And so we bid farewell to Jersey Shore, though apparently not for long. The credits for the final episode barely began to roll before a tidal wave of supplemental Jersey Shore content -- from reunions, to spoofs, to cast-member commentary on spoofs, to guest appearances -- swept over MTV, late night TV, and the Web. As early as two weeks before the finale, it was leaked that negotiations for a second season were already underway. One week after the show wrapped up, MTV announced that Season 2 was a go for launch.

But back to the Season at hand. The finale was perhaps the tamest of all the episodes, and certainly the most sentimental. To me it went down like a flat beer -- but not so flat that I'd prefer to have no beer at all.

Arrested after having knocked out a loud-mouthed thug (where last week's episode ended) Ronnie spends the night in jail. Sammi picks him up the next morning, brings him to bed, and sweetly whips him into ever deeper submission by pointing out there were two victims of his assault, not one (see below for quote about sleeping alone).

The gang hits the beach for the second time in their 30-day stay at the Shore. JWoww and Snooki hunt for juice-heads, while the Situation hits on a nymph of questionable legality.

The remainder of the show observes the group as they convene a circle of reflection that migrates from a barbecue on the deck to an unidentified lounge to the rooftop patio, infusing as much significance as possible into their month-long odyssey. Snook and Sitch take their last late night dip in the jacuzzi. Her top comes off. They make out.

The final morning bags are packed, there are hugs all around and more warm fuzziness. The housemates leave one by one until only Snooki is left to close up shop.

Best Quotes

5. "I don't know if I can last five hours with you in the car." - Vinny (to Situation when he suggests they car pool to visit Pauly D in Rhode Island)

4. "Then I end up spending the night in county for, ah - not even a night, a few hours in county - for, for, overreacting, I guess, like a degenerate that I'm not." - Ronnie

3. "Fuck my life." - Snooki (at the end of her solo dance party on the boardwalk)

2. "I had like the best summer of my life. Girls on the rides, girls on the beach, girls in the house, the hot tub... girls after girls after girls. That's an ideal summer for anybody." - Pauly D

1. "Yo, it's gorilla central out there. Get the fuck up." - JWoww (to Snooki, who's lying in bed)

Honorable Mentions

"Give me a call back tomorrow when you get this -- or I'll give you a call like a stalker." - Snooki (to Irish Cowboy's voicemail)

"I see a bunch of gorilla juiceheads. Tall, completely jacked, steroids, like multiple growth hormones. That's like, the type that I'm attracted to." - JWoww

"I don't see any fucking guido juicehead. You woke me up for nothing." - Snooki

"Where's the juiceheads?" - Snooki (repeatedly while walking down the beach)

"Even though we fight, and we hate each other at times, you know, when it comes down to it we really love each other." - Snooki

"Those were the best fights in the house... until AC." - Pauly D (meaning that the frequent spats between Angelina and The Situation were upstaged by JWoww delivering a spinning, backhand slap to The Situation in an AC hotel room)

"This was a life changing experience whether you like it or not." - Pauly D

"Bye make-out friend." - JWoww (to Pauly D as she's leaving)

"Goodbye everyone!" - Snooki (to empty house)

"I really think I made that house, honestly." - Snooki

"I'm just like, all right, this is it. Like, you know, like I had a summer with seven strangers and they all became my friends, you know. So that's pretty cool." - Ronnie

"The Jersey Shore changed me. Whaddaya know." - Snooki

Lifetime Achievement Award

No surprises here. To our reigning champion.

"The dude was face down though. I'm sure you had a better sleep than he did." - The Situation (to Ronnie when he says he's tired, referring to kid Ronnie cold-clocked night before)

"Hey what's up Cassandra. It's ah, Mike. Um, I was wondering if you could actually bring out your, you know, one of your, your actually ah, third friend... a ah, total of three.. it would be me, you, your two girlfriends, aaaaand my two roommates." - The Situation (leaving a voicemail)

"If you live on the beach you should be going on the beach a lot. I kinda realized that the last couple days, I'm like, fuck, it's nice as hell out." - The Situation

"Eventually I make my way over to some cute girls and do what I do best. And that's pimpin'." - The Situation (at the beach)

"It's bros night tonight at Captain Hook's. It's got like ah, some air hockey games, some basketball games. It's sort of like a Chuck E. Cheese... for dudes." - The Situation

"I laugh it off because nothing really bothers me. I mean, what that means to me, is that I'm on your mind twenty-four/seven." - The Situation (referring to bulldog Vinny hung up in the living room with a t-shirt that reads "The Situation's # 1 Girl")

"I mean she was totally butt naked here and there and I-I-I didn't wanna... you know what I'm saying?" - The Situation (referring to himself and Snooki in the hottub)

"This whole summer has been pretty wild, pretty crazy. Lots of fights. Lots of hookups. Lots of drama." - The Situation

"Maybe we should get a shore house next summer." - The Situation

"You know, I ran the house from start to finish, whether people liked it or not." - The Situation

"It is un-describable the time that I had here. I had a ball, okay. You know I ran this house. We call it Sitch's house." - The Situation

"I was king of the castle right there. That's how it gets done. That's how it gets done." - The Situation

Pythagoras Award in Profundity

The last episode was bound to inspire deep reflection and profound musings galore, so there was a lot of competition for the Pythagoras honor this week. But in the end it went to the person who more or less nominated himself, and justifiably so.

"This bond that we share brings us together, and no one can ever take that away from us ever, we take that with us for life, that bond." [long, self-reflective pause] "That was deep. That was fucking deep." - Pauly D

Amnesty International Award for Compassion

"I regret that I got caught. I don't regret that I hit the kid." - Ronnie

Meryl Streep Award for Best Performance in a Dramatic Series

Goes to Sammi, twice over, determined as she was not to let her own agony go unrecognized just because Ronnie has to spend the night in jail and some other guy has a grade three concussion.

"Like, why? I don't get it. Like, why?" - Sammi (lamenting Ronnie's arrest)

"Don't do that to me again... It was the first night I slept alone." - Sammi (to Ronnie once they're alone in bed)

Best Exchange

Third Place

Situation: "If you're hungry try a Snickers?"

Snooki: "Yeah, try me."

Second Place

Vinny: "If Pauly ain't gettin' a date, I don't feel bad, because he's like ridiculously, ridiculously good looking."

Pauly D: "You got such good taste in men."

First Place

Snooki: "Should I call 9-1-1?"

Sammi: "Don't call 9-1-1. I think that's emergency."

Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse

"I was thinking about maybe getting down with Snooks real quick. But then I was like, you know what, it's like almost like my little sister and um... you don't do that." - The Situation

Jersey Pride Award

"Down here at the Shore, one minute you got three girls in the jacuzzi, the next minute somebody's in jail and you have to bail them out. That's what happens down at the Shore." - The Situation

Famous Last Words Award

"The Snooks is out." - Snooki (as she pulls away in her car, last to leave the Jersey Shore house)

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

The Terrible Two's - Happy Birthday Ink and Beans

2010-02-17T22:55:00.001-05:00

Two years ago today I wrote my first post for this blog. This will be post # 96, and should bring me to roughly 48,700 words total.

As of today Ink and Beans has received 24,230 visits, with average time on site being 1 minute and 12 seconds, or a total of about 485 reading hours.

Visits have come from 66 countries (I'm only including those that stayed on the site for longer than 00:00). By the way, a lotta love coming from Uruguay, Armenia, the Netherlands -- you are my new favorite foreign countries.

Not sure what any of this means, but it's sure cool to think about.

Salinger the Ingrate?

2010-02-08T13:17:00.003-05:00

If I'm claiming this is a literary blog then it would probably be remiss of me not to address J.D. Salinger's recent passing. I let David Foster Wallace's death last year come and go without a peep, though that was easier to justify -- I have only read one essay of Wallace's, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but to a slow and tormented reader such as myself his flagship novel Infinite Jest is too thick, scattered and daunting to merit more than forty minutes of my attention and suppressed judgment (which is what I gave it) much less the year-or-more commitment it would take to actually finish the damn thing. Sorry David.

But Catcher in the Rye did make something of an impact at the time I read it, around my sophomore or junior year in high school. Up to that point it was only the second classic I'd ever read that I didn't hate (Lord of the Flies was the first), and if I'd previously identified with a literary character as strongly as I did with Holden Caufield, I can't remember who it was.

I don't recall the specifics of my reaction at the time, but I know I wasn't swept up to the degree that many of his devotees were. Even so, at the time I was reading Michael Crichton and Stephen King almost exclusively, and I have to imagine that Catcher opened my eyes to some of the other magical feats great literature can accomplish besides unraveling an intricate, thrilling tale. Great fiction can bring characters like Holden Caufield to such vivid life, make them so identifiable in their quirks and vulnerabilities, that they seem more human than most of the humans you know in real life.

For helping me finally scratch the surface of literary fiction, J.D., you have my gratitude.

There are obviously thousands of pieces being posted about the man right now, but this article from Slate was an interesting read, and uniquely personal. If Jerome David Salinger the reclusive author of Catcher is the story behind the story, then perhaps this might be called the (or a) story orbiting the story behind the story.

"Dear Jerry, You Old Bastard: My adventures answering J.D. Salinger's mail."

Rakoff is (or was at the time) decidedly not among Salinger's devoted fans who, for all of their interesting stories, could more accurately be described as orbiting Catcher than they orbited Salinger, because answering his fan mail is as close as anyone got to the author unless you were his editor, one of his young wives or his gardener.

Like most, I too am fascinated by Salinger's secluded lifestyle. It strikes me as antithetic to one of the essential forces that drive me to write in the first place. Art is expression, and expression implies there is some point (or intended point) of reception for that which is expressed, or else what is there to make the expression, the art, more than just some arbitrary behavior.

Art is about connection. Granted, the connection could be spiritual -- the artist might be connecting to something otherworldly, a higher power, or even some other aspect of the self, as of some kind of feedback loop. Consider the musician, for instance, who only plays privately, only "for myself."

I get that. Even with my own writing, I do experience that spiritual connection to some degree. But I also wish, I yearn, for my expression to resonate with others. I want my work to inspire. Moreover, though it may be a sign of inhibiting insecurity, I want evidence that I'm inspiring people. In short, I thrive on praise, sincere and heartfelt praise. It validates. "Validation," it seems to me, is a word that has become inextricably associated with "insecurity," but really, why shouldn't an artist require some validation? What's wrong with getting a little, natural encouragement to keep doing this thing that, though you may love to do it, pays little, is mentally and emotionally exhausting, and sometimes is even disheartening? In this life, I swear to you, I know of no greater reward than impassioned, positive feedback from someone who is moved by my work.

My point is, how was Salinger able to shun so absolutely the effusive praise he earned? As Rakoff points out, based on the fan mail she read, we're not talking here about some superficial and transient infatuation -- these are not teeny-boppers salivating over the next in a series of boy bands. These letters were as thoughtful, personal, and carefully crafted one could hope for. To me, such notes would be worth a hundred times their weight in gold. Of course, too much of any good thing can get tiresome and even overwhelming, but to refuse, for decades, a single piece of fan mail??? Were there not at least just a few days, when he was feeling so down on himself, that he might have contacted his publisher and said, "I need a pick-me-up. Send me the best three you got." Who was this man? And, if not for the audience that connected so deeply with him, who was he writing for?

There's always the chance that this was merely marketing savvy on his part -- something like "scroll appeal" to the highest degree -- because his seclusion undoubtedly increased his fame and impact. But I doubt that was his motivation, even if such was his publisher's motivation to encourage such isolation.

I'm sure that deep down he had legitimate, if perhaps misguided, reasons that he needed to remove himself in this way, and that it had little to do with any lack of gratitude (I hope not). But it remains a dark mystery to me. I bet that if I were to pick up and read Catcher in the Rye right now I would still identify strongly with Mr. Caufield. But I can't say I identify much with Mr. Salinger, what select details I know of him.

I'll never forget attending a reading and book signing with Fight Club author Chuck Palahniuk years ago, and the sheer joy in his face at being able to talk with, and read to, his fans. This was a man who had a dark side, no doubt, but here in this old theater, among two hundred excited readers and writing aspirants, ranging from teenage to middle-age, from clean cut and prim to body covered in tats and piercings, Chuck was home. He was happy. That joy in that face gave me the courage to write at a time I desperately needed it. I wanted what he had, and now I knew it was possible.

Substitute for that formative moment an encounter with Salinger, one that offers me a directly intimate view of this isolated and (it seems to me) searching and discontented man, I suspect I might not have any blog or novel to speak of.

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 8

2010-02-06T19:43:00.004-05:00

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

The Situation is still on the defensive this week. Not long after making up with JWoww, he finds himself fending off attacks from Vinny and Ronnie. But this time he gets mischievous instead of mean, first placing pickles around Snooki's room as she sleeps, then inventing the noxious cocktail "Hate-orade" which he slides Mission: Impossible-style under Vinny's bed.

Danielle the Israeli, who Pauly took a brief interest in last episode (until she dropped the no-sex-till-marriage bomb) transforms into Danielle the Stalker this week, appearing like the Cheshire Cat all over the boardwalk as he tries to hit on other women -- even going as far as to interrupt his creeping by giving him the gift of a custom-made "I heart Jewish girls" tee shirt -- the heart, of course, being a Star of David superimposed over an Italian flag. Later that night, a sympathetic Vinny makes an embarrassingly pathetic attempt to help Pauly deal with this adoring fan.

The episode wraps up with the second (and far briefer) of Ronnie's two big fights on the show. This time he cold-clocks one of several drunk, camera-hungry rowdies who begin taunting the cast as they leave a club. It seems their invasive presence at the Jersey Shore has been stoking flames of ire among the natives. Which is understandable. These chumps don't represent Seaside. They're not really from Seaside, are they Seasiders?

NEWSFLASH: Neither are you. Only about twenty people are. For all but three months of the year Seaside Heights is a ghost town -- I witnessed this first-hand in high school, when I made a trip down there in March to secure a house for Senior Week after the prom (yeah, that's right). Except for a few establishments, open but dead as churches inside, the town was completely deserted. Pretty fucking creepy, like Kevin Smith meets Stephen King.

My point is no one has any territorial claim on this place. And to imply, by demanding that these infidels "Go back to..." wherever, that you somehow represent this carnival of visiting mutants and misfits in a way that the cast of Jersey Shore does not is... well, how exactly??? Do you chug beers differently? Hook up with chicks differently? Start fights differently? Speak a distinct meathead dialect? Please, describe the essence of Seaside, the essence of you, that these wannabes from Long Island and Rhode Island and the Bronx could never possibly aspire to. Tell me, and tell them, why only guidos from East Orange and Newark, and better yet Paramus and Livingston and various other mall-centered suburbs are worthy to partake of fruits like Karma and Beachcomber and Frog Bog and Balloon Darts and ski ball and Pac-Man and cheesesteaks and and Tilt-a-Whirl and mini-golf? Please, show me what makes you a for-real Seaside kid.

How about a little gratitude to MTV for expressing interest in our twisted little corner of the country, eh? You should be kissing Snooki's bronzed ass for putting Seaside on the map. Then like me, you could embrace a show like this, brag to others that yes, you did ride that chair lift. You did swim in that grayish water before it was cool. You did watch the boardwalk roaming freakshow evolve from glam to ghetto to guido and it's so awesome that this place is finally being realized for the fun little petri dish that it is.

Sorry, but brainless belligerence draws out the deepest malice in me, and territorial belligerence and violence is the worst kind, because it's the most arbitrary. At least if this were a gang war in the ghetto I could see how guarding territory (tragically) could be considered a gesture of commanding respect, demonstrating power and solidarty etc.

But you're just a New Jersey moron, swimming among many morons. In a cheap resort community. You hate that your life has no purpose, and pretending you're tough in front of MTV is literally the best you can do. Grow up Homes. You're not interesting enough to be on TV. Not even MTV. You are no Situation.

My point is -- and I realize this brings me down closer to his level -- seeing that dipshit laid out like a sack of tomatoes was immensely gratifying. Thanks Ronnie.

Ahem.

Best Quotes

4. "That's one shot. That's one shot kid. That's one shot." - Ronnie (galloping away from a one-punch knockout)

3. "She's stalking his whole life." - Vinny (referring to Danielle the Stalker)

2. "You were stalking my whole life." - Pauly D (talking to Danielle the Stalker)

1. "My boobs are so tight I can't breathe. Is that normal?" - Snooki

Honorable Mentions

"We have a week left in the house... I think a lot of people are going to start exploding on a lot of people right now." - Ronnie

"If you fucking leave, I'm going to stuff your nose with tampons." - Snooki (to JWoww, when she threatens to leave the show)

"I don't remember his face, cause I was, like, wasted." - Snooki (referring to her new love interest Keith, the Irish Cowboy)

"I heart Jewish girls... oh my God." - Pauly D (staring blankly at tee shirt that Danielle the Stalker has just given him)

"At this point I'm starting to think: She's mad weird, that chick." - Pauly D

"I couldn't believe it, I thought I was seeing things." - Pauly D (when Danielle the Stalker shows up randomly for the third time)

"Pauly D has a little situation on his hands. She's definitely a Stage 5 clinger." - Vinny (making deft reference to Wedding Crashers)

"Let me get some popcorn." - Vinny (when Pauly finally takes stalker's phone call)

"Danielle is not looking for a hookup, she's looking for a husband." - Pauly D

"I told him to put me down, because I'm not trashy... unless I drink too much." - Snooki

"Your fucking room smells like asshole, bro." - Ronnie (spraying air freshener around Vinny's room to neutralize mysterious Hatorade smell)

"I closed that deal a long time ago, bro. I already got the title for that closing." - Ronnie (referring to The Situation, who is still vying for Sammi)

"Snooki's outfit is crazy. She looks like a birthday cake. She's all decorated, dressed up with the pink, boobs all out up in her face. I guess she wants to go out with a big bang. Literally." - Vinny

Lifetime Achievement Award

The Situation redeemed himself this week, and regains the title.

"You know, she likes pickles in her mouth. But pickles in her nose is just as good." - The Situation

"That was a lot of pickles. More than she's used to." - The Situation

"Jenni's got a good left punch so, you know, gotta watch out for that." - The Situation

"Neither does he know me neither!" - The Situation (defending his character against Vinny and Ronnie)

"I've been the same motherfucker for twenty-seven days. Have I got girls every day? Yeah! Have they not been pretty? Some days no, some days yes!" - The Situation (still defending his character... I think)

Iron Chef Hat for Creative Confections

A new award established to honor Hateorade and its inventor.

"Vinny's been hating on me. So what I decided to do, heh heh, was to get about three inches of grated cheese, add a little milk, a little Supreme dressing, a tiny bit of mayo, and a little Snickers pickle juice, all wrapped in one. A little Hateorade." - The Situation

The Prehistoric Kindergarten Award

"It's obvious that Sam has a crush on me. It goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten." - The Situation

Huh?

Pythagoras Award in Profundity

"Hater juice is best served cold." - The Situation

Best Exchange

Goes to Snooki, her latest male target, and the girl who swoops in with a surprise cockblock while Snooki and her new man make out on the nightclub couch.

Girl: "Stop what you're doing. You have a girlfriend."

Dude: "I don't."

Girl: "You don't?"

Dude: "I don't."

Snooki: "He has a girlfriend?"

Girl [pointing to the girl staring at them from across the room]: "She's here. She's watching the whole thing."

[Dude looks at Snooki, shrugs indifferently.]

The WTF Award

Maybe I'm not giving due credit to his sense of adventure, but... WTF???

"You never know what's in store for Pauly D. I love a challenge." - Pauly D (when, after all the creepiness and harsh words exchanged, over the phone and then later in person, he ultimately decides to go home with Danielle the Stalker)

Jerky Boy Badge of Shame for Worst Phone Prank in History

This new and hopefully one-time only award goes to Vinny, of all people, with some assistance from Pauly D and Danielle the Stalker. The boys are home waiting for a call back from some girls they like while simultaneously avoiding the Pauly-obsessed Danielle. The duck begins to quack:

Vinny: "I'm not answering."

Pauly: "Yeah, don't even answer it."

Vinny: "What if it's them?"

Pauly: "Answer it. Say you're Mike."

Vinny: "I'm Mike?"

Pauly D: "I'm not here."

Vinny [answering duck]: "Hello?"

Danielle [misidentifying Vinny's voice and presumably making his job easier]: "Hi, can I speak to Pauly please, Mike?" [my emphasis]

Vinny [evincing a stunning mental lapse]: "Uhh, YO, Mike's not h--"

[Realizing blunder, Vinny holds his breath]

Danielle: "Mike? This is Mike? Hello?"

Vinny: "Hello. Yeah, hello."

Danielle: "Yeah, who's this? Vinny?

Vinny [altering voice, and sounding like a drag queen with Down's Syndrome]: "No it's Mike."

Danielle: "Mike, can I speak to Pauly please?"

Vinny [persisting with his God awful, cringe-inducing impression of the Situation]: "Uh, he's not here right now. He went to um, uhh, yeah he went to the boardwalk, he went to the boardwalk, umm..."

Famous Last Words Award

"Hey! Come back here!" - Drunk Dumbass (to Ronnie, from about 50 yards away, approximately 8 seconds before Ronnie catches up to him and knocks him unconscious)

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 7

2010-01-29T17:19:00.004-05:00

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No Lord Byron Award this week, but there's love in the air. Pauly D meets a girl from Israel who may turn out to be more than he bargained for. Snooki falls for a an Irish guido Cowboy (picture left), whose southern droll in Seaside Heights sticks out like dueling banjos in the projects. And The Situation's sister (we'll call her Minor Situation) sneaks downstairs in the middle of the night, like a junior high-schooler in love, to snuggle up next to Vinny.

Snooki makes a noble but misguided effort to draw the aloof Ronnie and Sammi back into the group by urging a "family meeting" after returning from the club. She is subsequently thrown under the bus by the others, who deny any problem with this disgusting and aggravating relationship, thus exposing Snooki to verbal lashing by Sammi (she lashes sweetly though). Ronnie follows suit.

The Situation possibly has sex in the hot tub. Vinny and his date observe from the hammock.

Ronnie, Sammi, off. On.

Finally, the gang takes an overnight trip to Atlantic City, skipping the casinos and going straight for the club, which is subtly but undoubtedly different from the clubs in Seaside. The Situation, revealing just how deep his insecurity runs, loses big points this week for letting his inner-jerk fly, first delivering a low blow to Snooki over dinner and then later stealing Vinny's potential hookup at the club. But instant karma knocked him right in the head, taking the form of a spinning backhand slap-punch from JWoww, so miffed was she that the Situation would not abandon his potential hookup (previously Vinny's) to guide her back to the hotel room, as she was too drunk to find it herself.

Best Quotes

5. "Delvecchio. That's gonna be your last name." - Pauly D (when Israeli girl attempts to pronounce his last name, reading it off his DJ business card)

4. "Come on Snick, before I yank the duck out the fucking wall." - Ronnie (eager to start the ill-advised "family meeting")

3. "Jenni and Snooki hate on us. Like shut your fucking face, you're jealous." - Sammi (astutely observing as usual that most world events stem from her intense love affair)

2. "That's not what your sister thinks." - Vinny (when Situation tells him he has no game)

1. "It's only a matter of time before she (Sammi) is gonna pull the Eject button." - The Situation (he says while pulling the imaginary Eject button)

Honorable Mentions

"I kinda noticed that Ronnie was talking to a girl. I don't think it would be a bad thing if Sammi saw that but, ah, I guess we'll find out. Heh heh." - The Situation

"I don't have a passport. Plus they don't like me, I have a cross on my arm." - Pauly D (when Israeli girl suggests he visits her homeland)

"She said she was a model, so I'm like all right. Cool." - Vinny

Diss-honorable Mentions

"Don't worry, you got a couple." - The Situation (on the defensive, to Snooki, when she asks for a roll)

"I pulled the robbery move on him." - The Situation (when he seduces Vinny's girl while he's in bathroom)

Lifetime Achievement Award

This week Snooki secures the Lifetimer independently, proving that she can hold her own spotlight even when competing with outrageous personalities like The Situation. Bonus point for dissing Darth Sammi. Several bonus points for sharing the second-best Exchange with Keith the Irish Cowboy. Triple word score for her quick recovery from some harsh and unwarranted ridicule, swiftly returning to her ditzy, adorable and self-deprecating baseline

In the past I've ridiculed the cast for their absence of self-awareness, but it occurs to me that of all the characters on the show she is the most in touch with her insecurity and vulnerability, and consequently she breathes just a little humanness to this small bubble of hedonism. Call me a softee, but this girl is a gem. The Situation is also a gem, but a different kind of gem. Anyway:

"I was kinda like getting annoyed with Sammi because like, the way like she like talks sometimes like, she can be a real bitch." - Snooki

"But he's Irish. He talks like a cowboy. I normally go for Italians, so it's like weird for me to like him." - Snooki

"I fucking, like, save animals." - Snooki

"I've been with goats, sheep, cows, horses... that's all." - Snooki

"But if I had to have sex with one person here, it would probably be him, because I know he's a nice guy. He's gotta be clean." - Snooki

"I do want to have sex with him. I'm saving myself for Cowboy." - Snooki

"I'm going to pop my A.C. cherry." - Snooki

"Cheers everyone." - Snooki (toasting champagne to an empty hot tub in AC hotel)

Best Exchange

Second place goes to Snooki and her new love interest.

Snooki: "I delivered a friggin calf from a cow"

Keith, the Irish Cowboy: "I praise you for that, I mean how many guidos can do that?"

Snooki: "I'm not a guido I'm a guidette"

First place goes to the dynamic duo, triggered when somebody questions whether the Situation might be overpacking for their overnight in A.C.

Situation: "I like my clothes like I like my women. Options."

Pauly D: "You like your clothes like you like your underwear. Dirty."

Cultural Awareness Award (new)

"I don't even understand that religion, or what it is. I just wanna get to the bidness." - Pauly D (referring to Judaism)

Best Guest Quote

Goes to Tanya, the older woman Vinny inadvertently stole from his boss in Episode 5.

"I gotta stop watching that shit because it's turning me on." - Tanya (from hammock, with Vinny, referring to Situation and girl having sex in hot tub)

Famous Last Words Award

Goes to the Danielle the Israeli Girl but with a huge assist from Pauly D's bug-eyed facial reaction (photo forthcoming).

"We're not supposed to have sex until we get married." - Danielle

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 6

2010-01-13T20:26:00.004-05:00

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Look out! Two more fights this week -- or four, if you count two more love-spats between Ronnie and Sammi. And one cast member makes a stellar comeback (no, not Angelina).

Vinny avoids being fired over an ill-advised hookup, and Danny his boss demonstrates an admirable sense of humor. Vinny continues to hold the on to the spotlight a while, first by hitting on The Situation's sister, and then later by inviting an army of relatives over to the house for a home-cooked lunch.

Some feisty old guests make an explosive encore appearance at the house. The Situation makes it known to Snooki he's only interested in one out of the three, and she graciously agrees to kick the other two out. A scuffle ensues and Snooki gets hit in the face (again) for her trouble, proving that no kind favor goes unpunished.

But the big brawl this week belongs to Ronnie, and I confess it went down differently than I'd have expected. Possibly inspired by the surrounding cameras, a drunken idiot begins taunting Pauly D, Ronnie, and the other Seaside "outsiders" at the Beachcomber Bar, but is largely ignored. Later, Ronnie and Sammi leave the bar only to find that the drunken idiot and his girlfriend are now following them and continuing to egg them on.

Anyone bearing witness can see that unless this drunk dude is secretly a judo master, he's about to get his ass kicked on national television by someone thoroughly more musclebound and sober than he is. But to my surprise, Ronnie takes the high road, repeatedly batting the taunts away as he continues to escort his girlfriend home.

Enter Sammi, who for me (and I imagine for many men) calls to mind the most nightmarish of ex-girlfriends: intoxicatingly hot, but equal parts melodrama, manipulation, and neurosis. Despite Ronnie's efforts she decides to retaliate and taunt the drunk's girlfriend. It's not like she's going to be the one trading blows over it, after all. Ronnie tells her to stop. She persists. And with barely enough force to move a cat off a bed, he lightly shoves her.

As automatic as the clamping of a Venus flytrap, Sammi enters angry-wounded mode, and storms off, leaving Ronnie to deal with the drunk dude and his girlfriend by himself. The rest unfolds as one might guess. Ronnie gives in, invites the dude to fight. Dude approaches, but not without letting his own girlfriend act as his human shield. Ronnie manages evade the girlfriend's interference without hurting her, and proceeds to kick the dude's ass.

Oh yeah, and once the fight's over and Ronnie simmers down, he apologizes profusely to his girlfriend.

You know, when I first started watching this show I swore to myself that if I ever started taking anything about it seriously -- I'm talking on an emotional level -- then it was time to stop watching. But the irony is just so ponderous, that on a show epitomizing human shallowness there is only one person I don't find endearing, one person who does not tickle me but instead makes me downright nauseous if only because, and especially because, I feel like I know her.

You know who I'm talking about -- the type of girl who, via the power of her tight body, sweet baby face, deceptively small, innocent voice, and a crate full of crazy, can get even a tough bodybuilder from the Bronx by the balls.

Anyhoo, as Pauly D would say, let's "get down to da bidness."

Best Quotes

6. "Through the scuffle Snooks gets hit in the face again. Poor girl. She needs to take some karate classes or something. She needs self-defense. Somebody gotta teach her how to fight, or duck." - Pauly D

5. "I was pretty excited for Alex to come back, you know? But she rolls up with two giant bodyguards, and one of them was the same grenade that was here last time." - The Situation

4. "He fucking said your feets are like fucking Fred Flinstone. Fuck you, you fucking bastard." - Sammi

3. "This one girl starts like charging me like a fucking hippo." - Snooki (referring to Grenade Launcher -- not to be confused with Grenade; see below)

2. "He's ready to motorboat!" - Vinny (referring to Ronnie, temporarily done with Sammi)

1. "Come at me bro." - Ronnie (to belligerent drunk taunting him)

Honorable Mentions

"Just wanted to let you know, it was nice knowing you, because I think I'm getting evicted." - Vinny

"You gonna be able to get your stuff out by tonight?" - Danny the Boss (to Vinny)

"When we're out on the battlefield, I'm like the first strike. You know, it's like they send me out first. Like the Navy SEALS." - The Situation

"I don't mind hooking Vinny up with my sister because, you know what? The kid's harmless. And Vinny knows that I'm pretty much the man of the house, and not to push it too far, or I'm gonna, you know, ah, throw him in my trunk." - The Situation

"Stay in your own room tonight." - The Situation (to Vinny)

"She looked like Mike with a wig on. I was a little bit freaked out." - Vinny (referring to The Situation's sister)

"I hate guys. I'm turning lesbian." - Snooki

"Unbelievable, huh Snooks? So hard to find a good man these days. That's why I date women." - Pauly D

"Ronnie's in pure creep mode. I'm like, hell yeah, so now we can go have some fucking fun!" - Pauly D (as they set out to go to the club)

"He's back, but he's not really back." - Pauly D (when they make it to the club, and Ronnie decides to go back to Sammi)

"There's fucking three crazy girls in the front right now. Three crazy girls. There's one, like, huge grenade launcher. There's one grenade. And there's one cute one." - The Situation

"The fat one's gotta go." - The Situation (to Snooki, when she asks him which girls he'd like her to kick out)

"Pick 'em up!" - Ronnie (referring to Grenade, Grenade's hot friend, and Grenade Launcher when garbage truck rolls up)

"Yo, your ride's here!" - Vinny (to Grenade, Grenade's hot friend, and Grenade Launcher when garbage truck rolls up)

"I felt bad about Snickers getting hit by a couple of linebackers. I didn't... necessarily want to bring home, any, sort of, zoo creatures, whatsoever. I mean, these broads probably just smelled the food at the house." - The Situation
"I don't want my mom to see my messy room. She'll kill me." - Vinny

"Vinny's family walks through the door. There's one, there comes the mom, there comes a sister, comes an aunt, a cousin, another cousin, then a little cousin, then another little cousin..." - Pauly D

"Vinny, here's your undershirts." - Vinny's Mom

"Apparently I caused this which is bullshit, because I didn't." - Sammi (after she helped cause the fight)

Lifetime Achievement Award

An indulgence perhaps, but what the hell, I'm going to award it this week to Vinny. He wins not so much for his moderately impressive collection of quoteables (which are dispersed here throughout), but for zealously seizing his relevance back by hooking up with his boss's date, macking on The Situation's sister, and inviting his Mom over to cook and do his laundry.

Pythagoras Award in Profundity

"How do you get the best results? GTL baby. Gym, tan, laundry." - The Situation

Possibly the obvious choice for best quote overall, as it is sure to be the line that ends up on a bumper sticker. But I'm giving the Situation a rest this week. I'm not sure I can convey the weight of this maxim adequately via my own humble commentary -- it is best appreciated in context. Suffice it to say, Vinny agrees with my decision.

"This kids are robots. Gym, tanning, laundry. Every day since I got here. That's what they do every morning. Gym tanning laundry." - Vinny

Amnesty International Award for Compassion

"I'm like wait, he pushed you? And she's like, yeah, like I'm done with this shit, like you don't push a girl. And I understand where she's coming from, because I just got hit in the face by a guy." - Snooki

Meryl Streep Award for Best Performance in a Dramatic Series (this week's new award)

"You traumatized me!" - Sammi (to Ronnie, with moving tears, as he holds ice over his eye due the fight she helped instigate)

Best Exchange Award

A couple of great ones:

Best Exchange, Third place

Vinny: "Melissa called."

Situation: "My sister?"

Vinny: "Yeah. I was talking to her for 45 minutes."

Situation: "Really."

Vinny: "She called, and, she's gonna try to come to Headliners, but, call her back -- you have to call her back now and see what she says."

[long pause]

Situation: "Look at this little canny smile he's got. He's gonna meet my sister... he realizes how pretty I am and he wants to see my sister."

Best Exchange, Second place

Pauly D: "You guys look alike though."

Sit's Sister: "Really?"

Vinny: "Yeah, a little bit." (trailing off)

Situation: "I told you she was pretty."

Ronnie: "She's Mike without a six-pack!"

[all laugh except Vinny, who smiles weakly]

Best Exchange, First place

First place goes to Snooki and her less-than-reliable friend with benefits, Mike.

Mike: "You fucking told me to go!"

Snooki: "That was a test you jerkoff."

Best Guest Quote Award

We knew this was coming. Reclaiming her title:

"I'll rock your world!" - The Grenade (to Snooki)

The WTF Award

I have entertained creating this award so many times and passed because it seemed like too much of a catch-all. I mean, what isn't said on this show that makes a sane person say, "What the FUCK???" But sometimes, when there are no other words, it is what it is, and what it is is W...T...F???

"I have the best girl in Seaside, and I don't want to mess this up." - Ronnie

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 5

2010-01-10T01:10:00.010-05:00

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The show is definitely getting scrappy lately, and in Episode 5 it's JWoww entering the fray. After Snooki sleeps off "The Punch" from the night before, JWoww takes her out for some tanning, day-drinking, and healing chit-chat. The bond of friendship is solidified the following night when JWoww defends Snooki's honor, first drenching and then popping a girl who makes the mistake of calling Snooki fat.

The crew charters a boat and anchors at F Cove among a bunch of other boats and bodies bobbing around on inflatable rafts and tubes. This may mark the first time the gang exposes themselves to real sunlight. Sammi "Sweetheart," accelerating further toward "despicable" with each show, decides she's ready to leave and has Ronnie round everyone up to go.

Chef Sit-yar-dee takes the lead in the kitchen again, coordinating a surf and turf feast for the house that becomes a convenient excuse to fight with Sammi. Pauly takes the lead behind the turntables at Karma nightclub. And Vinny takes the lead with his boss's hot date (oops).

This week we have some new special awards of course, but also a strong countdown, and a particularly noteworthy "Best Exchange."

Best Quotes

6. "Holy shit. I took the boss's girl." - Vinny

5. "I would send her a picture of my dick and pack of bubble gum and say 'Chew on this.'" - Ronnie (when JWoww gets flowers from boyfriend she cheated on)

4. "It never happens to me." Sammi (after Situation gets stood up and remarks "It happens")

3. "My hair didn't even move an inch and I was in and out of the water. My hair is wind proof, water proof, soccor proof, motorcycle proof. I'm not sure if my hair is bulletproof." - Pauly D

2. "I tried to eat. But I couldn't get it in my frickin mouth cause I'm disabled." - Snooki

1. "I'm going back to New York, where I take fucking shots with the owners after I beat bitches up." - JWoww

Honorable Mentions

"He wishes." - Ronnie (when Sammi says his little brother looks just like him)

"Girls love a DJ, so once they see me behind the wheels of steel over there doing my thing, watch out." - Pauly D

"F Cove is pretty much just, like, this awesome summer boat place." - Sammi

"Our boat is called Furgetabowdit. And right when I saw that I was like, yo, this is our boat." - Snooki

"They'll probably scrape something off the boardwalk." - Ronnie (referring to Pauly and The Situation girl hunting)

"This kid's a sucka." - Pauly D (after the boyfriend JWoww cheated on (with Pauly D) sends her flowers)

"Everybody's been talking about it. It's my turn to prove, to Jersey Shore, how I get down, like, on the ones and twos." - Pauly D

"She had like a sick body, and I don't mind it up against me. At all." - Vinny

"I would have tried to uppercut her but, at that point, I had too many bouncers wrapped around me. I just wished for three more seconds I would have... would have done justice." - JWoww

Lifetime Achievement Award

Not as strong as last week's win, but Lifetime must once again go to The Situation.

"There is definitely a numbers game when it comes to girls. Let's say ten girls have slipped you their number within that particular week, there's the possibility that five or six may not answer. Somebody may pick up but they're busy. But probably on three and four they're probably coming over and I'm going to have to make a decision on which group of girls I want to come over for me and my boy Pauly. As long as you keep calling there will be success in your numbers game." - The Situation

"Holy shit." - The Situation (after using cooking spray over small pan on open flame, creating an impressive fireball)

"You know what? Everybody gets stood up. Everybody gets hung up on, and rejected. I'm not saying I'm not. I'm just saying that nine out of ten times I'm good with it." - The Situation

"You know what? I actually thought there was going to be more going into cooking all this -- it's going to be a feast on the dinner table -- but, ah, the Situation's got it under control." - The Situation

"Everybody should take each side of my plate and walk it to the garbage." - The Situation (when Sammi complains about him leaving his dirty dish on the counter)

"I'm not touching one dish, because I cooked a crazy meal, and she's got the nerve to tell me to clean my plate. You know what? You are excluded from dinner then. From now on you are EXCLUDED from Surf and Turf Night. You are EXCLUDED from Ravioli Night. You are EXCLUDED from, from... Chicken Cutlet Night." - The Situation

"We were coordinating a feast while you were getting your nail and your hair did today." - The Situation

Famous Last Words Award

"I'm on a boat! Yo Sam, ju-" - Vinny (before falling off boat)

Amnesty International Award for Compassion

A new award. Self-explanatory, and shared this week.

"I think what happened to Snookers brought us a lot closer to Snookers definitely cause now we like kinda feel bad and, she's a real person." - Pauly D

"I'm a vet tech. Like, I save animals, I don't kill them." - Snooki (when she sees live lobsters getting dropped into boiling water)

Staggering Ambition Award

Another new one. Also self-explanatory.

"Definitely want to look good for Ronnie's parents because this is the first time they're meeting me, like, I want them to think like, wow that's her? She's like really pretty and, whatever." - Sammi

Best Guest Quote

"I coulda been getting my tan on right now." - Ronnie's Mom (annoyed at waiting so long for Sammi to get ready)

Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse

This week the honor is shared. It takes a special kind of woman to tug on these heart strings hard enough to merit more than the usual one night stand.

"They're cool girls. They're smart and everything but they want to hook up, just as well. But I think it will take a couple of times seeing them to hook up. They're not, like, whores." - Pauly D

"She's actually a pretty girl that I'm attracted to to the point where I'd rather do sweet things for you instead of, you know, just come home and hook up and, it's like a different situation." - The Situation

Best Exchange

Goes to JWoww and Snooki, for their drunken debriefing interview after a bar fight.

JWoww: "She called us fat. What the fuck?"

Snooki: "I'm fat."

JWoww: "No you're not."

Snooki: "I'm about to eat a sausage right now."

JWoww [walking off set]: "Italian... sah-seege?"

Snooki [to camera]: "Fuck you all!"

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

Scroll Appeal

2010-01-07T13:24:00.001-05:00

The literary obssession with obsolete, crude or bizarre methods of transcribing one's masterwork.

I joined a conversation on one of Slate's Facebook pages that seemed appropriate to reprint here. The discussion is spawned by a short video interview with author Jonathan Letham where, among other things, he shares his experience as a creative writing teacher and how, for purposes of revision, he encourages them print out their work, delete the file, and re-type the piece in its entirety.

I identify strongly with Letham's writing and enjoy it even though I never finished either of his novels that I started. And I do see where he's going with this re-type-the-whole-thing thing. But there are many, many methods to facilitate "revision" (to see again, to see anew). Retyping the full work from start to finish strikes me as a potentially effective but grossly inefficient one.

One of the easiest and oft-neglected things a writer can do to "see" their work anew is to simply read it aloud. The experiences of seeing your work on the page and hearing yourself render it vocally are vastly different!

I also like to break up a chapter arbitrarily into pieces, be they pages, paragraphs, or even portions of paragraphs. Just shuffle them around, then read what I wrote in a new order. I often discover a sequence that more powerful than the original; more than that, busting up my own work dispels some of the self-defeating anxiety that I might destroy something good and not get it back (never happens). And, reading my work out of sequence helps me see those individual slices in a new light.

But Lethem's method certainly sounds sexy, doesn't it? Sexier than the examples I mention here, anyway. As two of the other Facebook commenters pointed out, however, scribbling your work on a roll of toilet paper, or writing it in feces on the wall of an asylum, does not a more brilliant piece of literature make.

Is there a phrase for this, I wonder? For now I'll call it "scroll appeal," after Jack Kerouac and his famous first draft of On the Road. This attraction, this need for a creative process that is somehow unorthodox (even if only superficially so) is undoubtedly the same kind of romantic notion that produced the myth about J.K. Rowling writing the first bits of Harry Potter on napkins. Scroll appeal presents a false hope of sorts, a promise that by simply abandoning traditional modes and replacing them with something old, unsophisticated or just plain weird, we can make inspiration appear as if by magic.

Just as every individual believes, often to a delusional degree, that a legendary vocalist resides deep inside of them (if you don't believe me just watch the American Idol tryouts next week), I believe there's an aspiring novelist inside us all. And to a world of would-be novelists -- admittedly, yes, even to some of us who have already written one -- ANYTHING is better than the prospect grinding out hundreds of frustrating, often uninspired hours in front of a screen or sheet of paper.

But that's what it takes.

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 4

2009-12-23T12:15:00.009-05:00

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

Episode 4 is easily the most delightful yet, despite respectable competition from the first three installments. This week, Ronnie and Sammi prove they are soul mates, having found in each other their rival for Shore's Biggest Drama Queen (apparently even guys on steroids have a tender side). Ronnie and the Situation trade a few light jabs while sitting in their respective barber’s chairs. Vinny, likable and charismatic generally, continues to be an unsavory source of sanity in this Dionysian dreamworld, and thus remains banished from the Jersey Shore spotlight.

The Situation and Pauly D run a double ditch-and-switch, followed by an historically unprecedented reverse double ditch-and-switch, but ultimately fail to close the deal.

And of course, the plush and occasionally adorable Snookie tragically discovers the one man on earth who is willing to earn his 15 seconds of fame by sucker-punching a little girl on a nationally televised reality show. The country is later encouraged to learn her attacker is a public school teacher.

Given the range of epic performances there are a plethora of Special Awards this week, some old, some new -- so many, in fact, it renders my customary countdown almost arbitrary. But enough preface and apology. Let’s get started, shall we?

Best Quotes

7. “You gotta stay fresh to death. That’s what I call it. Fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan. Just stay fresh.” – Pauly D

6. “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle at this point.” – Ronnie (referring to the Situation)

5. “Oh my god. I’m going outside.” – Vinny (in the barbershop, after listening to Ronnie and The Situation debate The Situation’s prowess for several minutes)

4. “He’s a really good guy. Like that’s the guy I need in my life. I think his name is Ron.” – Nicole, aka "Snookie"

3. “I’m sucking up my pride right now, and apologizing.” – Jenni, aka "JWoww"

2. “Yes, I had sex. Like, hello.” – Sammi "Sweetheart"

1. “If you’re not hitting the gym for like an hour or so then, you know, you may have a problem. Okay? Because I’m at the gym for like an hour AND A HALF. You know? I’m working on my fitness.” – Mike, "The Situation"

Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse

No surprise this goes to the defending champion.

“You really have to like catch my eye and be like really, you know what I mean, something special for me to be like, like I’m feeling you.” – Ronnie

“Yeah, we smooshed.” – Ronnie (referring to first act of lovemaking with Sammi)

“I was ready to put you in the equation. Like, YOU... in the equation.” – Ronnie (loses something without the tears)

Pythagoras Award in Profundity

The next three awards go to Snookie, beginning with this newly established (perhaps long overdue) prize for the following revelation.

“I’m like, growing.” – Snookie

Jersey Pride Award

Though none of the cast members are Jersey natives, this prize recognizes cultural observations that make those of us who are natives of the Garden State swell with pride.

“It’s the Jersey Shore.” - Snookie (responding to her mother after she comments that the water looks dirty)

Famous Last Words Award

Another first, and probably not the last.

“Get your ugly ass out of our faces.” – Snookie (before getting punched)

Best Exchange Award

Short but sweet, for the understanding reached between the two lovebirds at the end of their first major argument.

Ronni: “You’re fucking disgusting.”

Sammi: “YOU'RE fucking disgusting.”

*Lifetime Achievement Award*

It was inevitable that The Situation would take this one home solo eventually (he shared the honor with Snookie last week). It might be said that withholding the honor this long was comparable to the Academy reserving Peter Jackson's Oscar for his last installment of Lord of the Rings.

But we can't award the Situation without also simultaneously recognizing Pauly D for his essential supporting role. The Dynamic Duo raised the bar in so many ways -- reaching new heights of effortless egoism, sexism, childlike lust, grammatic license, etc -- that there was a temptation at first to create a bunch of sub-Lifetime awards... that is, before adequately capturing the essence of these two-dozen-or-so snippets proved impossible. For instance:

Best Tangent Award

Awarded for rehashing the best "story before the story."

“We have both the chicks in the bed. Me and Mike. Mike has a chick. I have a chick. We’re in bed. We’re just fooling around, whatever. I couldn’t have sex my girl—she had her period. I go to take her pants off, she wouldn’t let me. No big deal. And then…” – Pauly D

Rapid Fire Award

Created to recognize The Situation for producing three gems in a span of just under 10 seconds (yes I timed it). The moment occurs during one instance (of what has already become frequently recurring scenario) of Pauly D and The Situation coaxing a pair of coy women into the upstairs hot tub.

“Do you guys need like any, any, like we’re gonna get towels you need anyth—we’re good, we’re good.” – The Situation (attempting to be accommodating then abandoning attempt mid-sentence)

“I feel you on that. But really, fuck it." – The Situation (responding to girl’s complaint that she has no bathing suit)

"We’re going in our underwear. That’s what’s going on right now.” – The Situation (afterthought to “I feel you… fuck it.”)

Then things just got away from me:

“We were the fucking MAN at Karma.” – Pauly D (referring to himself and The Situation, or possibly to whole house)

“We’re beating up the beat.” – Pauly D

“I was hooking up with my girl. Pauly’s hooking up with his girl. And uh, we’re gonna have sex. So, you know, it’s a situation.” – The Situation

“They were acting kinda stupid. But we were making the best of the situation. Like we always do.” – Pauly D (referring to girls' ambivalence about hot tub)

“Chill out, Freckles McGee.” – The Situation (referring to girls' ambivalence about hot tub)

“When I go into the club I have a game plan. I don’t want to waste my time and take home a girl that just wants to hang out. I just want to get to the business. So you line it up, and then you move on. And then at the end of the night, you see what you end up with.” – Pauly D

"So, the girls are coming with us. We’re walking with them. But then we notice these two girls in a convertible. So we immediately run over to the car. It’s like a reflex… The other two chicks were pissed. They turned around and walked back. We didn’t even care.” – Pauly D

“Well it’s kinda the way I say it. You know what I’m saying? Not to give you too much credit, but at the same time I’m attracted to you.” – The Situation (to girl after she questions his choice of modifier when he tells her “You’re kinda cute.”)

“Holy shit. What the fuck are we gonna do?” – Pauly D (to Situation, when original girls they ditched suddenly show up at house while they are entertaining the convertible girls upstairs)

“Tell ‘em to come back in twenty minutes.” – The Situation (responding to Pauly D's question)

“Shhhhh. Be quiet little Italian girl.” – The Situation

“You girls are cuter. I am feeling you right now, and I’m about to kick out the girls upstairs.” – The Situation (to original girls they abandoned, referring to convertible girls they were abandoned for)

“I might have to give her a little attention in the future, but, I don’t know. Maybe not.” – The Situation

“Basically, one of these girls was, uh, definitely more cuter than the other, and it happened to be, uh, my girl. And Pauly D was with the grenade.” – The Situation

“My girl was fucking busted, so I’m like just trying to go with the flow.” – Pauly D

“I was taking heavy fire.” – The Situation (after Pauly D abandons him)

“That girl was a bomb. And Pauly didn’t know the code to decipher the bomb. That’s pretty much what happened right there.” – The Situation

“Calm down sweetheart. Stop hating." – The Situation (to Grenade, from bed where he lays naked with Friend of Grenade)

“You wanna walk this girl downstairs?” – The Situation (to Friend of Grenade, referring to Grenade, who stands a few feet away)

How could an award possibly do all that justice?

Best Guest Quote

I am, however, delighted to award the first Best Guest Quote to the Grenade, who closes out this week's collection.

“I would so do your dishes but I’m not even trying to do that now.” – The Grenade (pondering dishes in sink while The Situation hits on Friend of Grenade)

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

MFA Applications Done

2009-12-19T19:11:00.003-05:00

What has 2 thumbs, and finally sent in the last of his 9 applications, and is pissed he had to type out his basic information seventy times, and vows for this reason that if even one of these 9 schools rejects him he will exact icy revenge (yes, on the whole school, or schools), but for now is going to reward himself by gorging on Mexican food and ice cream?

No seriously, this is a funny joke. Can you guess?

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 3

2009-12-15T18:58:00.012-05:00

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

Lose the dead wood!

In Episode 3 the two cast members in relationships break up with their boyfriends, one of whom completely self-destructs.

Visiting friends Alana and Elena are no help to Angelina (yes you are pronouncing those three names correctly) as she feigns illness, skips work, tells off her boss (who she’s only met twice) from behind a bathroom door, and leaves the show entirely.

Meanwhile Sammi and Ronnie continue to flaunt their romance in front of The very wounded Situation -- who doesn’t care, at all, but also does -- only to suffer a communication breakdown at a nightclub. And the boys learn a thing or two about operating a propane grill.

Mining for quotes has become far more challenging. While many stand alone, an increasing number require some context. It’s hard to determine how big a piece I can extract before it loses its potency. It’s a fine line to walk, but I feel I am honing my craft.

The countdown is short this week, due to Vinny’s limited role in the episode plus the multiple Achievement Awards going out.

Top quotes

5. “I’ll break it down dancing. I love the beats. I got my creepy patent move.” – Ronnie

4. “Tommy said that if I did cheat on him he’d leave me. So I just have to figure out…” [pause] “how to approach this.” – Jenni, “JWOWW”

3. “Honestly, like, I’m sick. When you’re sick, like, honestly, like.” – Angelina, “Jolie” (when asked why she didn’t get someone to cover her shift at work)

2. “Snookers is funny. She likes her pickles.” – Pauly D

And the Best Single Quote Award goes to:

1. “Next thing you know, the grill is legit burnt. Smoke. Like, flames.” – Sammi “Sweetheart”

Honorable Mentions

“She just doesn’t want to feel like a trash bag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue.” – Pauly D (referring to JWOWW, after she denies any memory of making out with him)

“I’m gonna fucking knock a bitch up.” – Sammi

“I’ll make everyone hate each other by the end of the night.” – JWOWW

“The fact that JWOWW broke up with her boyfriend, it just means she’ll feel less guilty now when she hooks up with me.” – Pauly D

“I guess I’m single. I don’t know. If I am, we got a problem on our hands.” – JWOWW

“Angelina wanted us to like beg her to stay. But I don’t think anybody’s gonna do that.” – Pauly D

“I met JWOWW’s boyfriend. Seems like a cool guy. But if JWOWW was my girl, I would break up with her in a second. Your girl shouldn’t be out there dancing like that, lifting up her skirt. And I already made out with her so…” [pause] “I think he’s kind of a sucker if you ask me.” – Pauly D

Lifetime Achievement Award

As you can see from his strong showing in the Honorable Mentions, Pauly D nearly scooped up the Lifetime Achievement Award again. Alas, he was edged out by Mike, “The Situation,” and Nicole, aka “Snookie,” who share the honor this week.

“Look at these PANCAKES, what’s UP!” –The Situation

“Pickles is my thing, like, and the boys always stare at me, like, if I’m eating pickles." – Snookie

“Me and Mike have hooked up before. That’s why when I saw him at Headliners I was like, oh shit, I’m gonna bring him home and I’m gonna get my fix.” – Snookie (referring to surprise encounter with an old friend)

“I wouldn’t be a dick if you weren’t a little bitch.” – The Situation (to Angelina)

“Bless all the roomies that are still here.” – Snookie (saying grace)

“Angelina was like a half-assed firecracker.” – The Situation

“That’s what I’m talking about. People get shocked when they see something like that.” – The Situation (after showing abs to Snookie’s friend Ryder)

“Snookie’s friend Ryder I thought was kinda cute. You know, she wasn’t ugly, she was thin and petite, and I kinda like that.” – The Situation

“Mike can be a nice guy, like, he shows he good side, then he shows off his jerkoff side. And that’s what I like, a good guy and a jerkoff. It’s all in the same.” – Snookie (referring to The Situation)

“Making out was fun. If one thing leads to another, I’m not gonna tell him to get off.” – Snookie (referring to The Situation)

“Ah heh. Ah heh heh. WOW… The hot tub with Snookie and Ryder was very very entertaining. Um… it actually got pretty wild at certain points throughout that, uh, the, the…" [losing composure] "Heh heh heh…” – The Situation

“Fuck my fucking asshole right now.” – Snookie (to The Situation, after he tells her to start doing dishes)

Congratulations to Snookie and The Situation.

Special Awards

We also have some special accolades this week, first of which is The Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse, which goes to Ronnie, for his honey-drip lyrics of affection regarding fellow cast member Sammi.

“Honestly I thought the shore house was the best thing to happen to me. But YOU are. You are.” – Ronnie (to Sammi)

“You’re mad cool. I like you. I don’t like most girls that I meet.” – Ronnie (to Sammi)

“At first I was like I’m not gonna shit where I sleep. But for her, I’ll roll around in my shit all day, to be honest with you.” – Ronnie (referring to Sammi)

We must also recognize a brilliant tag-team performance by creating the Best Dialogue Exchange Award, which goes to The Situation and Pauly D for their joint reaction to the gas grill going up in flames (as a result of charcoal they placed inside).

Situation: Yeah, this is a problem right now. We could possibly, blow up right now? It’s… it’s burning the… it’s burning the whole thing! Pauly take care of it before we blow the fuck up!

Pauly D: I’m gonna use this thing. (referring to fire extinguisher)

After dousing the grill with the fire extinguisher, Pauly D and The Situation ponder the retreating flames, approaching the grill cautiously.

Pauly D: You want me to shoot that? Wait, wait, wait it’s working the way it’s supposed to work.

The Situation: Yeah, that’s the way it’s supposed to work. I think we might be able to still cook on that.

Pauly D: For real?

The Situation: For real.

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

After All These Years, the Jersey Shore is Still Good to Me

2009-12-15T17:55:00.001-05:00

Would you believe that my compilation of quotes from the premiere of Jersey Shore has increased my blog traffic five-fold? Go figure. Though I suspect this will be a flash in the pan, and that the people finding my blog are among the least likely to ever come back, this response easily trumps my other popular posts, like Blue Ink vs. Black Ink or my endorsement of the Michener Center.

Since I seem to have cornered the market on Jersey Shore wisdom, I kinda feel obliged to continue my archiving efforts if only to see how much I can leverage it. With the one post up, I come in as the 8th hit when you google “Best Quotes from Jersey Shore” (27 if it’s just “Jersey Shore Quotes”). This positioning has brought about 1,300 people in nine days.

Let’s see if a second post pushes me up that list. Stay tuned for Episode 3, (I’ll get to Episode 2 at some point).

Application Update

2009-12-13T19:01:00.000-05:00

Seven applications down, two to go. S'all.

Best Quotes from Premiere of MTV's "Jersey Shore"

2009-12-05T18:44:00.017-05:00

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

On Thursday night MTV debuted its new reality show Jersey Shore (watch episode 1), and I'm a happy, happy boy . Hailing from New Jersey, and having spent many of my younger summer days in Seaside Heights (the Mecca of the Jersey Shore if you didn't know), I happen to have a little experience with the unique slice of culture featured in this brilliant -- I repeat, brilliant -- piece of television-making.

The concept is simple and familiar: Stick eight empty shells resembling human beings inside a chic-looking house and tape the melodrama that unfolds. Correct, there's nothing new about that. The show's subjects are as sculpted, self-important and soulless as your typical Real World cast, and as collectively dense as the contestants in The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.

The new twist, besides the unique setting, is that the show overtly embraces the unflattering stereotype it depicts -- in this case, the young, urban, east coast Italian-American or "Guido" -- as do its characters, who (with the possible exception of Vinny) are no more self-aware for it, and possibly less so. Traditionally, the satire of similar reality shows has depended at least in part on the ironic disparity between the way the cast members think the world views them and the unflattering way the show depicts them -- The Real Housewives of... franchise arguably delivers the starkest examples of this disparity and brand of satire.

But in Jersey Shore there is no attempt, however arbitrary, to fly anything under anyone's radar, not even in the interest of political correctness. Stigmas are props to be used over and over again, and from start to finish are volleyed back and forth like bunch of airborne beachballs.

I can personally attest that the utterly magical things coming out of the cast members' mouths are absolutely authentic. As an ardent student of language, I have taken it upon myself to archive these linguistic masterstrokes, or at least to initiate this worthwhile endeavor. Here are the best quotes from the premiere of "Jersey Shore."

7. "I'm bringing New York to Jersey because A, they don’t even know how to drive and B 'cause they don’t know how to party." [long pause...] "Get the fuck out of my lane." - Jenni, aka "JWOWW"

6. "Dude you can’t bring a girl into this house when you’re vibin' with a chick. That's just going to cause, like, massive amounts of problems." - Ronnie

5. "My name around town is Sammi 'Sweetheart.' I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet. But don’t fuck with me." [Later, in same interview] "If you're not a guido you can get the fuck out of my face." - Sammi, aka "Sweetheart"

4. "I’m the smallest guy here. Fuck." - Vinny

3. "What is she doing, this girl? How do you go in a fucking Jacuzzi with a thong? And a bra? Wear a thong bikini—that's a little bit more classier if you're going to wear anything at all, you know what I mean?" - Angelina, aka "Jolie"

2. "Where the fuck did everyone go? Why the fuck is that thing quacking? That’s really weird." [later, during interview] "Quack! Quack! Quack! Like, shut the fuck up." - Nicole, aka "Snookie"

And at number one, the Best Single Quote Award goes to...

1. "I’m very anxious to get down there with my hot clothes, and my tan. Just arrive. 'Cause once I arrive it's like, what's up, I'm here." - Mike, aka "The Situation"

Congratulations to The Situation.

But the highest accolades belong to the cast member who seems incapable of saying anything that isn't poetry. The Lifetime Acheivement Award goes to Pauly D, the sleeper from Rhode Island, of all places. Here are some of the gems that mark his historic acheivement (and mind you these are from a single episode):

"It takes me about twenty-five minutes to do my hair. It comes out perfect every single time." - Pauly D

"I don't try to take a lot of guys' girlfriends, but it just happens." - Pauly D

"And in walks this girl with like garbage bags. I thought that was kinda like ghetto, and like weird. Like you can't find a suitcase? No one in your family's got a suitcase you can borrow?" - Pauly D

"I can never go out without my hair gel." - Pauly D

"I was born and raised a Guido. It's just a lifestyle. It's about being Italian. It's representing family, friends, tanning, gel, everything. Dude I got a fucking tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle. My tagline is 'I'm Your Girl's Favorite DJ.' I want the Guidettes to c** in their pants when they hear my music." - Pauly D

"Girls are supposed to cook, and guys are supposed to eat, you know what I mean? That's how it is." - Pauly D

"I hope it's not like hard work. I don't even wanna work. I'm a DJ." - Pauly D

"Guidos... when we stop, our chrome keeps spinnin'!" - Pauly D

Honorable Mentions

"This is 'The Situation,' right here. My abs are so ripped up it's… we call it The Situation." - Mike, the Situation

"I mean this situation is going to be indescribable. You can’t even describe the situation you're about to get into the situation." - Mike, the Situation

"Just take your shirt off and let them come to you. Like a fly comes to shit." - Ronnie

"I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off." - JWOWW

"I have real boobs. I have a nice, fat ass." - Angelina

At a large dinner table seating over a dozen members of Vinny's extended family, one family member asks of Vinny: "So where are you going in New Jersey?"

Vinny's answer: "The Jersey Shore."

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

World's Fastest Rejection

2009-12-03T14:27:00.002-05:00

Since I was giving my short-story/adapted-epilogue yet another overhaul -- I'm using it as my writing sample for grad school applications -- I figured I might as well submit the latest version to more journals too.

Literary journals are not generally known for their quick turnaround time. I've waited as long as 8 months to get a response. But among the latest batch was Sonora Review, which stood out to me because it used a manuscript submission service I hadn't seen before (ManuscriptHub.com). Unlike other online submission tools, this one charged $2 a pop, not that it was such a big deal to me. I uploaded my story at 5:17 p.m.

At 8:15 p.m. I got a response:

"Thank you for submitting your work to Sonora Review. Unfortunately, we are unable to accept it for publication at this time."

Whoa! Are you sure? Maybe you want to take a second look at it? Perhaps you should step away from it for a while... just take a break, then return to it in a couple of weeks with a "fresh pair of eyes?"

I have to admit, the speed is quite refreshing -- well worth the two dollars, if you ask me. Imagine if every journal were that quick? But still, ouch.

The worst part is that they are clearly not sifting through piles and piles of stories if mine went straight to the top of the queue. Yet even with this limited pool of stories my baby did not make the cut. I feel like the little league coach chose to field eight players instead of filling the empty slot with my clumsy-and-inept-though-well-intentioned child. Aw, come on, Coach! Give the kid a chance!

The Best Literary Journals for Short Story Submissions

2009-12-03T14:26:00.001-05:00

Just finished sending my epilogue/short-story to another round of journals, and updated my submission guide accordingly. In addition to the O. Henry and Best American Short Story awards, I've now factored in the Pushcart Prize.

Since the Pushcart website doesn't do its own tally, my plan was to go through each collection for the last ten years and see which journals the stories came from that were not already on my list. I was dreading it because the award-winning fiction pieces are interspersed with poems and essays, so tallying up appearances by each journal promised to be a long, mind-numbing task.

How happy was I to discover that a fellow fiction writer had already done just that! Cliff Garstang, at the blog Perpetual Folly, compiled his own Pushcart Prize Rankings -- a list of every journal that has had a story featured in Pushcart ordered by number of appearances. He even went back a full ten years, as I was planning to.

What a great resource for writers trying to determine what journals they should submit to. Thank you for your service Cliff!

I have updated my own guide to includes my latest group of submissions, this time to journals that have won 2-5 Pushcart Prizes in the last ten years (and, again, not already on my list). They are divided as before into those which allow simultaneous submissions, those that don't, and those to which I (personally) cannot submit my story for miscellaneous reasons.

For the hell of it I'll re-post my standard cover letter too. I hope these prove useful to some of you.

Oh, and for those keeping track the score is now 30, as in my story has been rejected by 30 journals. Maybe more. Never say die.

Taking the GRE for MFA Programs

2009-11-15T14:53:00.002-05:00

The GRE is a requirement for most MFA programs, and a particularly annoying one considering it's not a major factor in your application. But I will say this: The day I signed up for a GRE test date, and a Kaplan prep course, was the day I knew I was no longer just considering applying to MFA programs -- I was actually going to make a concerted effort to get into one. Signing up for the test was quick, yet highly committal given the specific date and the $250 fee.

Perhaps some of you, like me, can consider signing up for the GRE your launch pad into grad school reality; throwing your proverbial hat into the ring, if you will.

I learned shortly thereafter that Kaplan was evil -- I invite you to read my account -- and that there are perfectly adequate resources for GRE preparation that you may find online, for free. Which I suppose should come as no surprise.

1. Number2.com: Comprehensive online test prep for the SAT, ACT, and GRE, founded by professors and graduate students who wanted to make high quality test preparation universally accessible. Nice.

The courses are organized in a fashion that is not overwhelming, so that you can plan your schedule of study fairly easily (I crunched mine into a three-day weekend). Their review of the basic math you'll need for the quantitative portion is helpful and quick. They provide clear instructive answers explaining why you got an answer on a practice question wrong (or why you got it right), taking special care to point out all the "traps." And because it's all online, your practice will come as close to true GRE conditions as possible -- versus, say, using a workbook. Just a fantastic service all around.

2. FlashcardExchange: This gem is more hidden. Arguably, the only true guarded knowledge at Kaplan (and apparently not so well-guarded) is their list of high-frequency GRE words -- this is no joke. There are roughly 600,000 words in the English language, and the average human vocabulary consists of 10,000 of those. That leaves 590,000 words that test-makers could choose to baffle us with, but for some reason they are compelled to include a large number of their favorite 295 words on every exam.

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Taking the GRE for MFA Programs (p.2)

2009-11-15T14:52:00.002-05:00

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Beats me what is so wonderful about these words. As a writer I find some of them impractical and downright ugly. Circumambulate, meaning to walk around? Amatory, pertaining to lovers or lovemaking?

Try turning somebody on with that.

Anyway, on FlashExchange, where creators of digital flashcards graciously share their study aid with the rest of us, there are a few batches of cards available to help you with these popular GRE words. Here's one example. That means you can avoid buying flashcards, or worse, writing up your own.

The site lets you sort by which cards you get correct or incorrect (according to your own judgment), and by cards you've studied versus those you haven't. You may study a sub-group of the full deck, and then a sub-group of that sub-group, etc, and FlashExchange will record your entire study history. Thus, I was able to study in batches of 50 at a time, returning to those I got wrong, then once more, then repeating for the next 50, etc.

Took a few hours but eventually I had all 295 cold. Was it worth it? You bet your ass. Even though I was betting on it, I still found myself stunned that so many of these words were on the exam. Easily made the difference of 100 -200 points.

There are also hot lists greater than 295 if you have the time (500, 800, 1000, etc.), but I found 295 to be sufficient.

3. Free Online Practice Test - This is a no-brainer, and it seems there are plenty of them available. I arbitrarily chose the practice exam offered by Princeton Review and it suited me fine.

*One more GRE learning experience I'd like to share. I'm sure it was buried somewhere in the resources I've listed above, but I completely missed the part about reporting your scores immediately after completing the exam. The test fee includes up to four score reports, mailed to schools of your choice. The trick: You can only take advantage of this once, right after you finish the test.

After that, sending your GRE scores to schools is 20 bucks a pop.

I was so dazed by the end of the test I couldn't even figure out what the damn computer was asking me. "Score reports... sending to... wait, what are these things it says I'm applying to?" Thankfully I had the wherewithal to look for my top choice and enter it, not really knowing what I was doing or what the school would get. I figured I could work out whatever it was later.

Wrong.

So don't be like me and piss away $60. Be ready with four schools you know you're applying to.

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Free Online Test Prep for GRE. Why?

2009-11-15T14:42:00.003-05:00

Because Kaplan sucks. That's why. Here's a story for you.

Taking the GRE is required for entrance into most MFA programs, and while the score itself is not a huge factor, I figured that bombing it might make an otherwise respectable application appear suspicious. I signed up to take a test on September 29, and didn't even consider taking advantage of the test prep resources available for free online. Instead I looked into pay-for prep courses, figuring it was worth two or three hundred bucks to relieve myself of having to develop my own study plan.

I almost vomited when I found out the standard month-long course at Kaplan, consisting of nine 2.5-hour classes, was $1,200. Now before I go on, can we just take a second to do some fun calculations (think of it as practice for the quantitative section).

If the Kaplan prep book by itself is is $30, then that means I’m essentially paying 1,169 dollars for (9 x 2.5 =) 22.5 hours of classroom instruction, or 52 dollars per hour. Must be one hell of a teacher.

Especially when you consider how much revenue this guy rakes in! Let’s assume a classroom of 20 students, $52 times 20... that's over a $1,000 per hour. Wow! This must be like having Socrates as a mentor!

Considering how little the GRE’s factored in to my application, twenty-plus hours and twelve hundred dollars seemed too big an investment to have somebody take me through a workbook. Thankfully, Kaplan also had an Express course -- $399 for sixteen hours over one weekend. This I could stomach, so I signed up (and paid) for a course in Cambridge (easy to get to) on Sept. 26 and 27, two days before my exam so I’d be fresh from practice.

On September 11th I get a voicemail and an e-mail from the local Kaplan Center. They both said the same thing, and the e-mail read as follows:

Dear Kaplan GRE Student,

Hello! My name is [Jerk Face] and I am the Associate [Jerk Face] at Kaplan. Thank you for choosing Kaplan to prepare for your GRE exam! I'm excited to meet you and begin working with you as you strive towards your highest possible GRE score.

I am writing today to inform you of an adjustment [my emphasis] that we have had to make to your Kaplan GRE Class schedule. Your first class is now Saturday, September 19th instead of September 26th, and will be held at the Boston Kaplan Center located at... instead of at the Cambridge Kaplan Center.

It is not often that I am faced with changing a class on such short notice... but my hope is that this inconvenience is minimal and that we can still help you to prepare for your GRE and entrance into the graduate school and program of your dreams! Please don’t hesitate to [blah, blah, blah] and I look forward to [blah, so polite and professional, blah].

Sincerely,

[Jerk Face]

Well, hel-lo to YOU! You are so kind to alert me to this adjustment. Now I have ample time to cancel my weekend trip to Maine, or my house inspection, or my visit to my dying grandmother, or whatever lower priorities I'd foolishly scheduled when I should be keeping my weekends flexible in case something like this should happen. God forbid I had scheduled something I couldn't cancel, I might have had to go into my scheduled GRE exam (250 dollars non-refundable) completely unprepared!

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Free Online Test Prep for GRE. Why? (p. 2)

2009-11-15T14:37:00.007-05:00

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The modest amount you charge for your Express course certainly doesn't obligate you to keep me abreast of such alterations, and I shudder to think what kind of service I would get if I went with one of those other prep courses. Kaplan, you really do make dreams come true.

Are you.

Fucking.

Kidding me?

Since the e-mail offered no details explaining the reason for this cancellation, like the classroom burned down, or a typhoid epidemic wiped out half the instructors in Western Massachusetts, I can only assume that the reason the class was canceled was that they couldn't fill it, so they tried to herd us like cattle into another class they couldn't fill to achieve maximum cost efficiency.

I'm appalled this note avoided any mention of a refund, even though it's almost certainly illegal for them to deny one, considering they cannot provide the service I paid for. The intention here was clearly to suggest this "adjustment" was obligatory, and that there was no other recourse, in the hopes that people would go out of their way to the location that best suited Kaplan, instead of signing up for the next most convenient test date and location, or simply getting their money back.

This was deception, pure and simple.

I gave myself a day to respond so I wouldn't blow up before knowing I had my money back. But I could taste blood. I was hoping, praying, they would put up a fight.

Sadly, I met no resistance, except that I had to return the prep book first, that piece of toilet paper which should have been my consolation prize -- the least they could do, but whatever. There was also a long delay getting my credit card reimbursed and I had to poke them a few times before it actually went through.

I didn't have to look long after that to discover there are ample resources available, for free, to help prepare for the GRE. And it occurred to me (I can't find the article I read validating this): What you're really paying for with a Kaplan course is structured and guided practice, nothing more. That's the only reason scores go up.

But the keystone to Kaplan's marketing campaign is the "Kaplan method," an implied set of tightly guarded secrets that allow one to exploit the formulaic weakness of standardized test questions, make them transparent, and arrive at the correct answer regardless of whether you're able to solve the problem in a traditional manner.

It's all mystique. There is nothing unique, innovative, or exclusive about the very basic strategies they employ. Here, for instance, is a slide presentation divulging one of their "secrets."

In short, Kaplan is a racket, and an especially deceptive one. If you'll benefit from the classroom structure (I probably would have if my scores mattered more), then maybe it's worth considering. Otherwise, I say avoid this vulture at all costs.

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Applying to Top MFA Programs

2009-11-15T11:49:00.005-05:00

About three months ago I had an unexpected mental development: This will be the year I finally apply to the Michener Center. I still wasn't entirely married to the idea of going, even if I got in (and that's probably a long shot), but I figured going through the process of applying to one, and not getting in, might motivate me to apply to several the following year.

That motivation, to apply to several, struck me much earlier than I thought. I've spent the last couple of weeks preparing my application materials for nine schools, in the hopes of having most of them submitted by December 1st.

Over the next few months I intend to document my full experience here, and will provide any documents I create to keep myself organized and the schools organized, samples of my personal statement, and any other bits of wisdom I might garner from the experience. Items I would like to include:

*Studying for and taking the GRE - (let's just say I have some strong opinions about Kaplan now)

*Selecting schools to apply to

*Securing worthwhile letters of recommendation - (a challenge considering I've avoided the writing community since starting the novel)

*Choosing and preparing the writing sample - (not much to this, it's the same piece I've been submitting to journals and has been rejected about 30 times --- I think it bodes well)

*Writing the personal statement

*Helpful resources

*My charmingly witty reflections

This will take a while, and will probably be of little use to my fellow applicants this year. Hopefully it will be worth something to next year's class.

In the meantime, cue the drum roll, because here are the nine programs on my list, not necessarily in order of preference. More detail on selection process to follow, but there's no real secret formula --- they pretty much represent the programs have the best reputations and/or the best funding, minus a few, like Iowa (Ye Olde "Writers' Workshop" does not pay enough to live in Des Moines) and Cornell (love my alma mater but I think going back would be a constant and depressing reminder that my glory days are behind me).

I've also included check boxes that anticipate these programs' ultimate, yet-to-be-calculated quality rating, as determined by an algorithm which incorporates a broad constellation of weighted factors (The author admits this rating will be based in small part upon whether the school accepts me, wait-lists me, or rejects me):

1. UT-Austin (aka Michener Center)
□ program awesome □ program "waiting" to decide if it sucks □ program sucks

2. UC-Irvine
□ program awesome □ program "waiting" to decide if it sucks □ program sucks

3. UMass-Amherst
□ program awesome □ program "waiting" to decide if it sucks □ program sucks

4. University of Michigan
□ program awesome □ program "waiting" to decide if it sucks □ program sucks

5. University of Wisconsin
□ program awesome □ program "waiting" to decide if it sucks □ program sucks

6. Indiana University
□ program awesome □ program "waiting" to decide if it sucks □ program sucks

7. University of Florida
□ program awesome □ program "waiting" to decide if it sucks □ program sucks

8. Brown University
□ program awesome □ program "waiting" to decide if it sucks □ program sucks

9. University of Virginia
□ program awesome □ program "waiting" to decide if it sucks □ program sucks

Starbucks Rapes Halloween

2009-10-31T13:26:00.001-04:00

America's favorite coffee conglomerate has just surpassed Big Tobacco as the most evil commercial enterprise in history.

I'm sitting in their lounge right now listening to Sting croon about Christmas -- a 'Bucks exclusive compilation, no doubt -- on fucking Halloween.

You are two months and two major holidays ahead of schedule, you corporate sluts.

Maybe after they're done pissing in every child's trick or treat bag they can start adding a drop of morphine to their frappuccinos.