innate.essence

Famished

2009-11-30T20:37:00.001-08:00

Said you was hungry
and you needed me to feed you.

Famished even, and you needed
soul food to sustain.

Said you was hungry,
starving ...
if you will...

if I will?

Sustain you that is.

Said you was hungry
and I nourished you.

Fed you my spirit daily
Let you drink of my essence

Is it good babe?
Sweet enough for you?

Been ripening for many,
many moons now..it's yours for the taking

Seasoned with the bittersweet tears
Of a young girl lost

a dash of optimism
two heaping cups of passion

Is it to your liking love?
Here, have a another taste.

Said you was hungry
and I spoon fed you my spirit
For you to devour
and regurgitate it,
and gift me the mutilated
residuum of lingering love.

How was I to know I would
be found lacking
what your dreams are made of?

Rationed my spirit
Meager portions..
went hungry so you could feed,
Neglected and negated that
of which sustains the very spirit from
which you devoured my world.

My spirit emaciated ,
fragments of you amalgamated ,
with the minuscule remnants of me.

Muthafucka you could have least cleaned up your mess.

It's getting closer everyday

2009-11-24T19:18:00.000-08:00

Less than six months until I relocate to my new life. I am excited. I am terrified. Wondering if this change will bring me and sig other closer together or pull us apart as we adjust to new surroundings, new friends, and the pursuit of our dreams in a different market. I make moves on the quiet tip. I once read that if you keep your major goals quiet you are more likely to achieve them because you don't feel the false sense of accomplishment that comes with people congratulating you on deciding to embark on your journey. So i took that advice, and have my major moves tucked in my back pocket, my dreams within reach. When things are a little more concrete, I will share them with you all.

Sig other is a good one for putting up with me, lord only knows I am a handful. I sometimes wonder if I am bipolar, because my emotions rack overwhelm me and change so rapidly that it sometimes frightens me. I know I have anger management issues, but there is a reason for that, I digress.

About four years ago I was in the belly of the beast. Full on trapped in a hot shitty mess of a relationship. I was abused, both mentally and physically, and I cheated on with enough girls to count of both hands (most of which did not come to my attention until I had enough and moved back to Oklahoma). Now I am not going to lie and pretend that I was the perfect girlfriend, because in the last six months, I was far from it, but I was broken and didn't care. I wanted to hurt that fucker as much I as was hurting, but I thinking I failed, because in hindsight I wonder if I was every even really loved at all. To the point of this story, I changed throughout the course of that two year relationship, I became bitchy, a weed head, a pill popper all in hopes of numbing the pain caused by the one I gave my heart to and put my future on hold for. I tried to speak more urban, they said I spoke too "proper" and to stop acting like a "white girl" and often dressed more seductively than I do now, using my body to get the attention that I lacked in my relationship. I look back at that sad young woman, lost in love, and I'm glad I met the me I was before the first time the hand connected with my face.

For the first time in many years, I face the world with the same optimism of a young woman fresh out of high school that the world has not yet beat down. And I am doing better this time around in college, I work full time for a living and have a household to maintain, I do not have time for the partying and other nonsense. Not going to even pretend that I don't still enjoy drinking and having a good time, but this time around, everything is in moderation.

Back to the point at hand (if I can recall what that is). I look forward to the changes that 2010 will bring me with fear and anticipation. I have tunnel vision when it comes to my future, my dreams are all I see.

Blakroc - Nothing LIke You

2009-11-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

reh...

2009-11-09T20:43:00.001-08:00

"I try to reel in the insanity, but sometimes that shit slips through the cracks"- Essence

Hmmm... I tweeted that earlier and then realized that is an accurate description of how I navigate through my life. I mean we all have twisted, abnormal thoughts, and I know that I'm a little more to the left that most.. but truth is.. i'm strange. I used to care what people thought, try to censor myself, be more acceptable, but the older I got, the less I cared. A strong believer of "happy endings are overrated" many of my short stories often end in death or suicide, something I realize iI realize I must change so I can be published, haha. I skip to the beat of my own drum, and it seems to be on a different rhythm than the rest of the world. I sometimes ponder whether sig other wonders what they have gotten into :D

Reh... just a random brain vomit. The next post will be better. Been feeling more "weird" than normal.

Just Something I wanted to share with you

2009-11-09T20:22:00.000-08:00

Everything I am: Thoughts on Mr. West

2009-10-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

PLEASE!!!! PAUSE THE PLAYLIST ON THE SIDE AND LET THIS SHIT RIDE OUT AS YOU READ THIS.. ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS BY MR. WEST

"I'm a star how can I not shine?"- Kanye West

I am fully aware that right now Kanye West is not one of the most loved people in the world. I am also aware that he is a bit of an asshole. I don't care, he is still my favorite rapper.. his music speaks to me on so many levels. I love Ye for a number of reasons... he is above much of the repetitive bullshit that floods the market today. Now don't get me wrong... yes he does speak of flossing, cars, and girls.. but he does it a more creative way. But most of all.. Ye speaks of dreams. Following them.. the struggles on the path to achieving them... the downfalls of "arriving." As a woman who is very much on the grind,that speaks to me much more than syrup induced, auto tune laced flow of Lil Wayne. I will ride out to Wayne , but on some kick it with the homies getting drunk going to the club type shit, Ye touches me in a different way. I may be on his nuts something tough, but he is the best in My opinion, his body of work speaks for itself, and anyone who has every worked a 9 to 5 can feel "Spaceship."

"Feeling better than some head on a Sunday Afternoon, Better than a chick that says yes to soon"

I had a dream about Kanye one night. I tweeted about it when it first happened but it was awhile back and i only had like 65 followers (30 of them were probably Britney Fuck Vids spammers) so most of you have not heard this story .

It is after the club and I'm starving as usual so I walk into a diner to grab a bite to eat. (I don't know why I would be by myself after the club, that screams "come rape and kill me!!" but in the dream I was so we'll let that ride out). In this little hole in the wall, sitting at a booth my himself, there he was in the flesh, Mr. West. I almost piss my pants with excitement and approach him trying hard not to seem like a groupie. He was cool, not pompous at all (which also seems far from realistic lol) and he told me to sit down and eat with him. I sit, and we have one of the best conversations I have ever had in my life. I ask him where he got inspirations for some of my favorite songs by him, we talk about life, music ..everything under the moon and stars and I am left giddy and filled with excitement. We take a bunch of pictures in my phone (which was an htc touch at the time) and part ways. I awoke that morning thinking the dream was real. I grabbed my phone to look at the pictures, and fell back in the bed with disappointment when I realized it was all a dream. Weird, I know. LOL

"I did dirt and went to church to get my hands scrubbed
Swear I've been baptised at least 3 or 4 times
But in the land where nigga's praise
Yukons and getting paid
It gon' take a lot more than coupons to get us saved"

A brief background to allow you to understand the great deal of respect and admiration that I have for this man's music. It's changed me on a number of levels, I was listening to "I wonder" the night before I made the call to my enrollment adviser to get back into school. I work out to his music.. I get fucked up to his music ( man.. "Addiction" is a mutha.. every time I hear that song I either want to write or rub on myself lol)... basically Kanye is the active soundtrack to my life. And I strongly feel that if you haven't listened to "We Major" on late registration you are doing yourself a great disservice and you should do so immediately.

"Why everything that's supposed to be bad.. make me feel so good ?"

This blog was incited by my overwhelming excitement for Through The Wire: Lyrics and Illuminations. Now after hearing about Ye's alleged tie to Illuminati still trying to process how I feel about the title , but I am going to purchase the book regardless. The pictures scattered throughout the blog were some of the illustrations from the book. I can't wait!!! I am certain in will rub my muse in a good way.

Here's some info on it from www.amazon.com

Product Description
This is a rare partnership between two geniuses at the top of their crafts -- Kanye West, who was named "the smartest man in hip-hop" by Time magazine, and Bill Plympton, an Academy Award-nominated animator, cartoonist, and illustrator.

Through the Wire is a graphic memoir that illustrates the lyrics of twelve Kanye West songs to tell his story, from his decision to drop out of college to pursue his dreams in music, through his days spent folding chinos at the Gap while struggling at night to make a name as a producer, through the pivotal car accident that eventually set him on the course to stardom and the epiphany of realizing exactly who he had become:

"...They say people in your life are like seasons
And anything that happens is for a reason..."

Plympton illustrates each of the songs in detail, his vision of Kanye's world. The songs are annotated with explanations of the references in the songs, biographical components that illuminate the lyrics, and their meaning on a deeply personal level.

The result is a one-of-a-kind book that initially grabs you and stays with you forever.

You can pre-order and save 52% here: http://www.amazon.com/Through-Wire-Illuminations-Kanye-West/dp/1416537759

Just wanted to share my excitement with you all. What do you think about Kanye West? (I want to know your honest opinions, but please, keep that Taylor Swift shit off my blog, so tired of hearing about it. And for those of you that think his career is over because of that nonsense you are truly special, because true talent shines it's light despite adversity, whether it is self-inflicted or not). What are you favorite songs by him if you are a fan? Talk to me people, I want to know what you think.

Until Later... much love to all :D

The Realest Ish I Ever Wrote (part un)

2009-10-02T00:53:00.001-07:00

So I’m about to hit on a touchy subject. After spending two days completely immersed in learning about hip hop and it’s connections to the occult, I gained a plethora of knowledge I don’t think I wanted. I felt strange and very uneasy.. dismantled. I had to take a shower and cry. I cried when I read some of the stuff I found, I cried when the hot water hit then tension in my neck that for some reason hasn’t been able to release for the past three to four weeks or so.

I thought about my strong reaction to what I saw, how angry I was when I read the allegations of Jay-Z being an alleged devil worshiper and using his influence to secretly pedal a message of the New World Order out to his millions of adoring fans. Me being one of them. I remember the reasonable doubt poster I had hanging in my college dorm room, how every time I would purchase a new Jigga album, I would put my headphones on and bang it from front to back, the first time I heard “The Black Album”… etc. And don't even get me started on Kanye. Ego aside.. since "The College Dropout" his albums have been the virtual soundtrack to my journey of becoming a better me. See, most people would retort, why are you so upset? It’s just music. However for me, there is no such thing as JUST music… I feel as if music flows through my veins, gets inside me… I need it to live. I don’t need tv as long as I have access to my computer and my itunes… I could write for hours..music incites my muse. I digress.

I still don’t know why I cried, I don’t know what the truth is.. no one knows but him. But as I watched segments 1- 11 of the “Jay-Z Deception” on youtube.. the evidence seemed overwhelming. I found myself enraged, when the accused Beyonce (who there is no secret that I adore) of being involved of this nonsense. There were hundreds of videos breaking down each and every scene from their videos, and explaining the ties to the occult or some form of ritual or symbolism. Now, in many cases I feel as if some of this was just extremely right winged Christians, trying to scare people out of listening to secular music. Now I know that Jay’s music is not exactly clean, but come on now… Sasha Fierce is the demon possession on Beyonce? Excuse my language, but Get the Fuck out of here.

It bothered me that they singled out the most successful black musicians of today, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Kanye West, and Rihanna and nitpicked their every single move and gave everything a secret, hidden meaning. Maybe that’s why I cried I don’t know. Maybe it was the overwhelming amount of knowledge of evil in the world that I had been blissfully ignorant to up until that point and had been dumped upon me. I mean, I know the world is a bad, bad place, but I was really unaware of the depth of these rituals and secret societies went. Scary Stuff. Maybe it was because the videos of pastors playing a doctored version of Jay-Z’s “Lucifer” backwards in front of a congregation with stating that Jay was claiming that the message was “Murder murder, jesus” took me back to an incident that I had in church on Easter in 2006. I was sitting in a pew near the front, and the pastor felt the need to call my lifestyle out in front of the entire church. I will never forget that feeling. I haven’t been back to church since. Not saying that I’m perfect, but if you are going to call me out on loving someone who is like me… you should go down the row and hit up everyone else and their sins too. Church people are funny to me.

I know this was a very random and disjointed entry, but today my emotions were all over the place. I know you may read this and wonder why I should care and have such a strong reaction to it.. once again it’s just music, and once again I would have to rebuttal that to me it’s so much more than that. It’s what gets me through my tough work days, my workout, I make love to it, it makes me happy, makes me sad, incites tears of both joy and sorrows, can trigger memories that would other remain tucked away in the far corners of my brain, it’s the soundtrack to achieving my dreams and I associate none of that with darkness. I mean, it's not the most moral music but you get my point. I'm done talking about this now and I'm moving on to myself now. . .

Listening to "Made Up My Mind" by Lyfe Jennings as I write this, that song touches on a lot feelings and experiences that I try to tuck away and ignore. Eyes are burning with tears again... sheesh I hate emo days. I've talked to sig other about going back to church, but after that last horrific and humiliating experience I have very little tolerance for judgment and it makes me hesitant. And it's not even the life style judgment.. it's everything.. the tattoos, the fact that I have a very large ass with a large set of breasts to accompany it.. I know good and well how to cover myself up, but I can't help that I have a voluptuous figure. I used to have to deal with the looks about that too. Maybe things will be different this time. Maybe they won't. I know I shouldn't care...but the things that were said to me are imprinted on me forever like one of my tattoos.. and it's just been one of those things that are hard to shake. Always so quick to point the finger when you are not 100% right yourself. Church people are funny to me.

Oprah Got that Good Good! (hair that is)

2009-10-01T21:50:00.000-07:00

So everyone is anticipating the release of "Good Hair" Chris Rock's documentary on African American women and what is a definition of "good hair." It covers wigs, weaves.. and everything in between. He even goes to India to see the process of how the coveted "Indian Hair" is gathered at temples and then shipped off to the U.S. to be placed upon the head of women that can afford it. This video is a segment from Oprah when he gawks in disbelief when Oprah tells him that her flowing locks are indeed her own, then her proceeds to rummage through her locks to prove that Oprah indeed, has good hair.

Now as an advocate of wigs and weaves, I must say that if you are gonna do it, do it right loves. I wear Indian Remy hair, not that cheap yaki bullshit. If you are ready to break bread and step you wig/wave game up hit up www.inhairco.com for the best in Virgin Remy Hair.

Hunger, cravings, and how to curb them

2009-10-01T21:11:00.000-07:00

So, this diet thing that I mentioned was easier said than done. I have been working out, but I find it hard to work, do my school work, and work out six times a week. My current occupation is so mentally draining that it often leaves me physically drained at the end of the day. I have made progress, but I need to step it up so that I can reach my goal of ultimate hotness by new years. I was going to post mid-way pics but I would much rather wait till the end and share my ultimate before and after at the end of the year.

I find the most difficult part of losing weight is controlling the hunger. Or better yet telling the difference between hunger and just a regular ole craving . I thought that I would share some personal tips that work for me for curtailing my hunger when I get my little cravings.

1) Most of the time when you think you are hungry, you are really just thirsty. If you drink a full glass of water, that will usually curtail the craving.

2)Most cravings only last ten minutes, so if you can distract yourself from that time, the sugar.fast food attack will probably go away.

3)Everyone says this, but it's so true. If you eat breakfast, you will be less hungry throughout the day. I know that this can be very difficult to do for us that have a hectic workout life, but if you are trying to lose weight, it is imperative that you start your day off right, even if it's just some yogurt or egg whites.

Well, had to take some time to give you all a quick update on my progress. Wish me luck as I continue on my process of obtaining the body beautiful. I'm going to kick things up a notch.

Jay-z And The Occult

2009-09-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

So... today my sig other told me to read a blog about the Jay-Z video for "Run This Town" being associated with the occult. Immediately, my first reaction was shock and then disbelief, cause black people don't do that kind of shit, right? Well, after googling the articles (I must admit it shocked the shit out of me when I googled Jay-Z and.. and the word occult popped up as the first option for the Google auto complete on the search) I feel strange after what I found. So I read the first article, which breaks it down, shot by shot and explains the ties between the video and occult symbolism. Then they ask the questions... is Jay a freemason? Does he have ties to the Illuminati? Now, I can keep it real, I didn't really have much background knowledge on either, but after reading the articles, I had to do some research before I could form an opinion, and to be truthful, I still don't know what I think, but the evidence left me dismantled. I still refuse to believe that Beyonce would have any affiliation with someone who dealt in secret societies and alleged devil worship. Denial? Maybe, who knows?

For a detailed of analysis of the occult symbolism surrounding the "Run this Town" video and the Rocawear clothing line check out http://vigilantcitizen.com/?p=1948

And if you don't feel like reading all of that, here is a video that gives a look at Jay-Z, Kanye, Nas and some of their alleged occult practices.

Quarter Life Crisis (so to speak)

2009-09-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” – Sex and the City

25 is a strange age for me. I feel old. I know in the overall scheme of things, I am considered to be relatively young, but it’s official, I’m in my mid 20’s (slowly pulls barrel out of mouth and puts the revolver on the table to continue typing). I’m at the age where I am still young enough to be reckless but old enough to know better. I have approached this crossroads and have decided to grab my future by the balls and not leave things up to chance.

I have made major changes in my life over this past year, and if I was to sum up how I feel about 2009 I would say for the most part I consider this year to be a year of progression. Difficult as it was, I rid my life of all toxic people, and while it hurt for awhile, I am more relaxed than I have in a long time. Sometimes isolation is a good thing. I am in no way saying that I am a total loner, but I do keep a very small circle and I rather like it that way.

The move to Atlanta. It seems so far away yet so close. The reckless young woman in me tells me just to leave and leave it up to my destiny, and the sensible adult in me bitch slapped that reckless girl and told her to sit down and amass a more than substantive savings before completely isolating myself from my loved ones. I always envied the ones that just followed their hearts and got on a bus, train, or drove off into the sunset and their destiny. Life made me too much of a realist to do anything that idealistic. It’s no secret that I am unhappy in Oklahoma City. I mean I am happy that my family is here, and I have my own roof over my head and I am able to travel and experience things, but it sucks to work at a job as stressful as mine, and in your down time never want to do anything because you don’t enjoy the city you reside in. I am a big city bright lights kind of gal, and while OKC is bigger than most outsiders preconceive it to be, it’s too slow for me here.

I have also come to realize that I don’t know if I want kids. I don’t feel the urge to bear children at all. I wish to have a successful career, in which I feel fulfilled by my work, and to see the world, not change diapers and be chained to a place because a child needs stability. Not knocking parenthood at all, it’s just that not everyone is meant to be a parent, and I often feel as if I am one of those people that is meant to live for self.
I wasted two years of my life not in school and in a city I didn’t belong in, investing in a bad relationship. I can’t undo the past or get back time wasted, so I feel a sense of urgency that often consumes me and causes me to retreat further into self than I often should. I know it is a good thing to have goals, a great thing to actually take the steps to actually achieve them, but should it consume you? I often feel that with me it does. I haven’t been out in quite sometime, all I want to do is work, do school work, or go to the gym… I need to relax.. get that balance back.. besides…25 isn’t getting old is it? When I see 18 and 19 year olds, they seem so young and naive to me, and they say when you start thinking like that…well you know the rest. Bae always tells me that my obsession with aging is unhealthy, my retort is that time stands still for no one and I am not getting any younger lol.

I’ve taken a lot a big risks in my life. It makes me feel alive, and I realize that even with savings, moving during a time of economic turmoil is risky, but I’ve been here for three years, it is time to move on to bigger and better things. I need to be somewhere were my lust for life will overwhelm me and make my muse dance with the wind and sing me sweet lullabies. Here, my muse comes and goes, but she cannot forced, our love is on her terms, not mine. I am comfortable here in OKC, I know my way around, people know me and of me, I have been at my job for a long time…yadda yadda yadda. I need to be uncomfortable, a little on edge, I want to live, not fall into routine and complacency. People tell me I am foolish to follow my heart and my dreams, that I should take the safe route. I politely tell them to fuck off and it’s my life not theirs, I will do what’s best for me, and I only hope that they would do the same. It’s hard when you feel like no one understands you at all, but I am a woman of constant change, so am I asking for to much? I get irritated beyond belief when people make incorrect assumptions based upon brief interactions, but is it my fault for keeping every one on the surface. Very few have seen more than the tip of the iceberg, but the current is ever changing. Many of us are so quick to boast that they are a grown ass woman/man; I on the other hand feel as if growing into being the epitome of the woman or man that we are destined to be is a lifetime process.

Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Essence, 25, Capricorn, and I am a full time worker, full time student, full time lover… and a my journey to becoming a better woman is a life long process.

The Body Beautiful

2009-08-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

Everyday as women, especially black women, we are set to unreasonable standards. Too thick, too skinny, too much ass, not enough ass, etc. the list can go on for days. And with the images that are put out in the media, especially in music videos and mens magazines, it is easy for one to feel as if they don't measure up to society's standard of beauty.

Man, the inner struggle i go through with food is something wicked. I have finally given up on all crash diets, and quick weight loss methods and decided that i am gonna do it the right way. Now, don't get me wrong, i have slimmed down some after deciding that i could no longer go on in this impostors body, i must taken control and claim back what's mine. Honestly , i think I'm pretty damned sexy, and many women would be happy to be the size i am now, it's just that spending my entire childhood, teenage, and early adult years as an athlete I'm uncomfortable in the skin i'm in. People say, "just lose the weight" that's easier said than done, if losing weight was easy, the weight loss industry wouldn't be a billion dollar industry .. I'm just sayin. Now even as an adult, when i stopped playing sports i gained a bit of weight and lost it back, and fell in love with these new found curves. With measurements of 36c-28-40 i was slim in all the right places, and thick in others. Then i got my first desk job, and i let my body go to shit. Now, don't get me wrong the pay is good, and i love the hours and schedule flexibility, but honestly, my job is so damned mentally draining that i find it hard to do anything but want to crash out on the sofa after a hard day of selling out to the man.

I've joined a few gyms, and started out great, everyone would be like "Oh E, girl you slimming down right! " and i would take extreme pleasure in my progress and reward myself with sugary goodies and fried delights. Now, I'm a southern girl through and through, and there is nothing more that i love than a big ol plate of fried chicken or pork chops, with some made from scratch mashed potatoes, some fried okra, some baked mac and cheese, some cornbread.. . man i could go on and on about this.. which reminds me, i just got through working out, and i have indeed made myself hungry lol. However, I shall remain steadfast on my course of weight loss and instead of going in the kitchen to fix myself a snack, i will continue to bleed my "thick girl's blues" out through this here blog. And yes, i am thick, not fat, some girls don't know the difference, i am not one of them lol, even with the weight game genetics played a great role in making sure it went to all the right places (thanks grandma ) .

Now we shall do the reverse before and after pics lol.

This is me in 2006-2007
sigh it breaks my heart to look at this, i was still in the
pursuit of my flat stomach i had when i was playing ball,
but over all i was happy. this was in the fall of 2006.

now this one was when i first started to pick up
my weight in the beg of 2007, i was still happy at
that size, but i just let the control slip away. i
got caught up in my relationship, working,
partying, and just down right trying to maintain
in this crazy world we live in, and my fitness and
physical well being slipped to the bottom of my list.

And here we go in 2008 ...

a considerable difference from the two above, at this time
i first began trying "quick weight loss" solutions,
i swear i have loss and regained the same 10-15lbs
at least four times.

And Finally the summer of 2009

I have slimmed down some since this pic was taken,
but it was one of the more recent full body shots.
I have here laid out the evidence and hold myself
accountable for the goals i have let slip through
my fingers like sand .

It's hard to be the same person in a new body, I had to completely revamp the way i dress, pretty much change everything about the way i carry myself. Before i would look through club pics and just make sure i didn't post ones where my drunk face wasn't completely out of order, now i have to make sure i don't think i look "fat". And the previous friends i kept around would never hesitate to say "Oh girl you used to have them coke bottle curves," and when i would shoot a dirty look in their direction , a feeble attempt to retract the statement would be made by uttering some bullshit like "At least you still got your shape."

Now, I have an awesome support system around me, my family, friends, and twitta fam, hold me down, and don't give negativity. I just feel that since i have never had to deal with being overweight in my life until the past two years, i should document my journey so that when i reach my goal weight, i will never let it slip away from me again. I miss being able to wear a bikini with confidence, or being able to go into any store and get whatever i wanted off the rack, i have had to scale back on some of the trends because they no longer fit my body type.

My weight loss goal is extremely ambitious, i want to lose 60lbs in about 4 to 5 months. Now i know for this to happen, it will take extreme dedication. I have revamped the way i shop for groceries, and i am completely cutting fast food out for the next few months. Now with this 60 lb weight loss goal, it takes me far beyond my weight of 2006-2007 to what i feel would be an ideal weight for me to feel my personal best. Now will i share my current weight with you, in a later post sure, also with pics and progress updates of my measurements, since i put in on the net, I'm going all in. I will also share what workouts and diet methods work best for me throughout my journey, and i will be sure to give constant updates on progress of attaining "The Body Beautiful"

While you are here don't hesitate to peruse my poetry .

Paramour

2009-08-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

you pulled
me by hair
into your dreams
asked me if
i like the way
you love me
on some varying level
I've always known
you'd hurt me.
i like pain.

enamored,
I'd follow
you the depths
of Hades
for a mere sip
from your fountain
of affection for
a mere drop upon
the lips can
satiate the
intense yearning
that devastates
my every moment
of conscience being.

it's unsettling here
the ground is
uneven i stumble
as i leave
remnants of my
innocence behind
limbs upon limbs
our spirits
further entwined.

my predilection for affliction
ensures my eternal
enslavement
in your lair
of licentious
recreation and torture.

i mold,
bend, but don't break
as you test the limits
of my undying adoration.
i sit here..
waiting silently in
the wings..
your perfect paramour

Sylvia Plath

2009-08-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

i dabbed at my tears
toyed, frolicked
with the idea
of taking that long
dirt nap.

i dabbled pain
pondered, contemplated
the absence of my
presence in the lives
of those
i cherished most

exhausted
knocked on my
ass, tired of getting up
can i just
stay
d
o
w
n

i dabbled in hurt
wondered, how long
would you love me
after i was gone...
would you hate/blame
me or yourself...
just thoughts.. just thoughts.

i stand in front
of you
and wonder if you
see me at all.

i dabbled in loneliness ,
toyed, frolicked
with the idea of
the blade to the flesh
tortured being at rest
but not really. . .

wondered how it
would feel to drown
the burning
spread across my lungs
would i scream
knowing no one
could hear?
Less messy that way...
i try to be considerate

written/erased/rewritten
that "note"
mentally a million times
only to
decide there would be no note
only questions,
i don't know the answers
why should you...

guess i'm not
as considerate as i thought.

i dabbled in death,
pondered, contemplated
these thoughts...
just thoughts...

just

thoughts

Luxuria

2009-07-26T22:35:00.001-07:00

It wasn't supposed to be like this…
For me to crave you like I do…
I am gestated desire…
I carry you with me…
Your tongue dictates the sway of my hips
You are that glow that they speak of
When they say
"something has changed, can't
Quite put my finger on it girl
But damn you look good"
I wonder if they glimpse the mischievous hint
Of you that rests in the corners of my full lips
As I curve them ever so slightly to half smile
For only moments ago they were
Pursed with sweat as if my breath was saccharine
One palm gripping the sheet
The other gripping your head…
Oh….
….my
…god

And What head it is….

The consequence of
The warmth of your mouth on me
Is devastating to any sense of
Self restraint I once felt…
Far surpassing a want…I need
Your special gift

It wasn't supposed to be like this…
For desire to consume my every spare instant
Unfaltering…taking over my inhibitions
I find myself sinking father
Into this abyss of unbridle lust
My flesh against your flesh…
Multiples build slowly within me…
Washing over my senses

Deafening me….blinding me….
I taste you….
You feel me tighten as
I give you my greatest gift
The scent of our lovemaking
Makes me feel whole….
My love pulses and throbs..
She calls your name…
The sensation of you inside
Of my love cove
Lingers…

I'm caught in your seduction
Not sure if I want to get out….

Luxuria Revisted

2009-07-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

Left my mojo in the car
checked my cool at the door
here i stand before you
dismantled
mind said go
heart said no
body said "let her have you"

say you love my thick thighs
and round ass that
sings of the motherland
as i saunter to you
donning only my heels
and the glow of arousal

i hate how much i need you
we've been here before
luxuria revisited

Undressed, hips pressed
guttural moans
sensual groans

i know you love me
right now i don't care
fuck me... my yoni needs it

no accessories needed tonight
armed with only a stiff tongue
and your supple body
for desire is a road well traveled

raise my hips to you
thighs splayed..
bring your mouth to me...

thrashing about in a weak
attempt to run from
your acquired skill
you know every inch of me
taste every bit of me...

my love is saccharine
you chant my name repeatedly
between the stokes of your tongue
back arches... and i once again cum...
for desire is a road well traveled

our lovemaking is
reminiscent of a dream
suspended in an eternity
i have no will to escape

ummm.. lay back bay bee
let mama show you
love the way a only woman can...
flesh and flesh
wet upon wet
tribadism
this is love/lust at it's best

girl scream for me...
cream for me..
love the way you glisten
beneath me...
familiar lovHer you are
gets better with time ...
your climax in conjunction with mine...
desire...
a road often traveled
luxuria revisited

Letter Of Marque

2009-07-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

Note: a letter of marque is an official warrant issued by a government to search, seize and/or destroy specified assets or personnel belongings of a foreign party. I thought it would be super interesting to take that idea and use it as a premise for a poem where instead of country invading another country, it would be one woman invading another woman in a very lustful manner lol, and the internal battle she is struggling with. That being said.. enjoy :)

My stomach knots and twists
as i ponder the ramifications
of my choice
to take the tour
down this path of infatuation
with you as my guide.
My conscience concedes to
luxuria as my resolve
grows increasingly weary
of this game of cat and mouse...
i no longer have the strength
to deny you what you desire.

You invade my sub conscious
visit me in my REM
accommodate my lust
in your cocoon of
practiced skill
i awake to find my fingers
cradled between my thighs
which lay splayed
waiting for you to enter me...
damn I'm impatient

You tell me you're on the way
desire courses through my veins
as imagination runs wild
with fantasies of the unprecedented
pleasure that i will achieve by
replacing my touch with yours
My pussy does the happy dance
as she awaits your arrival

Hair let down, candles lit,
disappointment sets in
as time passes and the flame
entirely engulfs the wick.

I see why they call it Vickie's Secret
Cause tonight i sure didn't
get to tell nobody....

Disappointment gave way to hurt
my big ego bruised....
hurt gave way to anger...
which you quickly subdued.
Wanted to say fuck it
tell you to get the hell on
but my body said
"no! wait, give her the chance to atone."

and my oh my
how well you atone
as my eyes meet your gaze
and apprehension quickly began to dissipate,
you grab me with a ferocity
that assures me that i am
not alone in my desire...
for it if were water, it would fill the room
and drown us both.

my breath quickens
as i raise my hips
to you, tempt you to taste my honey.
She aches for tactual sensation as
The realization of this slow burning anticipation
overwhelms me as my eyes
close and i repeatedly recite your name
my moans and sighs singing the melody
to the beat that your tongue puts down on me
Arms tightly locked down on my thighs,
denying me escape from a pleasure
that is all but too much to endure

armed with only your digits and an
oh-so-gifted mouthpiece
you coerce me into an
euphoric submission as
i float higher and higher
each orgasm increasingly
intense as my legs quiver and collapse

I gaze up at you with satisfaction
as a smug smile plays upon
the corner of your lips...
you notice the aftershock
of your touch by the shakiness in my hips

Fuck you...
And your charm
You easily disarm...
Any wall I have built protection
to keep from letting you in,
as my mind hums the melody
to our song of sin.

Invade me
armed with your
letter of marque
Search my body,
capture my mind.....
Seize me.

The Truth

2009-07-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

My every nerve ending is aflame
You en kindle an unabated desire
my soul whispers your name
in the shadows of my heart...
you burst into my life
at a time when all seemed insipid and mundane
i found myself amazed at the apparition
of beauty
i desire you
beyond comprehension
got me breakin all my rules
i allowed you access past the fortress
of a cool and calm exterior
I role played pygmalion
attempted to mold and shape you
into what I felt you should be
and in the process faced myself
you make me want better
reminiscent of my younger self
optimistic and untainted by the cruel
realities of an adult world
you make me feel sexy
at the times
when i don't feel beautiful
after knowing you for so long
the newness of it all
still seems unreal to me...
you
make
me
feel

A L I V E

I refuse to settle into routine
I'll never take the fantasy away
i need to be your naughty girl
Stroke me against the wall
Acquire me from the back while
you run your fingers across
my back tats...
ummmmmmmmm.....
it's hard to maintain composure
when i think of you
my muse when i groove
to the sounds of raheem devaughn
and eryakah badu
for a watered down mainstream tune
over a generic beat cant begin to explicate
how starved my body is
without you inside me...
how much i miss you
when you're not in my presence

Never in a million years could i have began to
imagine that it would be like this
How deep you see beneath the skin
Sometimes i'm frightened that i've let you in
You lighten my life with seraphic bliss
when all seems melancholy
caught in a
ever changing dynamic
of the emotional power struggle
that we play
i know sometimes you
concede just so i'll shut up
and feel as if i've had my way

I envision you in my slumber
Pin you up in my hair
You live in my smile
I tie you round my waist
and carry you with me
you make me feel complete
In a world full of craziness and lies
I know one thing to be absolute

you ARE the truth....

Requiem To A Love Song

2009-07-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

Hello lover
my distant friend
been so long since i visited you
thought i might stop by again

i stare into the fireplace
of our love
the flame that dances the tango
in front of my eyes
it sometimes flickers
but never dies

hello lover
i look at you and see
not the same that
i fell for
seems like so long ago
we frolicked in the meadows
of falling...

how do we sustain?

do i miss her?
no, for remnants of her
linger behind the fortress
of the stone cold fox
that you've evovled into...
she hypnotizes me
how is it that you can be
so familiar to me and
a stranger all at once.

kiss your forehead
a token of endearment
kiss your lips
kiss your. . .
put my name on you

i fell for you in a barage
of metaphor and similie
could feel your words
flow through me.
PULSE

over time i've been
the operative key to your emotions
made you drink from
my fountain and
get drunk off of my affections
get you higher than any drug
ah, the power of my love

i've felt the aftermath
of the hurricane of your sorrows
almost drowned in your tears
felt human when they amalgamated with my own
never felt so suseptible to fear
oh the damage you could do
if you knew your own strength

hello lover...
hi homie....
distant friend...
can we get back to
the commencement again?

I liked the feeling of falling
the fear of not knowing...
the eternal possibility
that you could be mine forever...
asked you if you'd stay for ever
saw the hurt in your eyes...
knew you wanted to lie
to ease my fears....
for no one can promise forever
but i can give you my all today.

Unrequited

2009-07-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

lust soaked lies
whispered in the heat
of lovemaking
"i love you"
tell me what i want to hear....

reality fails
to live up to the anticipation
that my slumber gives to me
dreams of you and i
bodies tangled in
never ending power struggle
tell me what i need to hear....

told you to check that bitch
at the door before you
come to praise at my temple
no menage a trois here
this femme fatale needs
you all to herself

you continue to fuck me
under the guise of
making love
ah make me your jester
in your court of lust

and so it continues
we turn a blind eye
to the elephant in the room
i can't scratch you...
leave my love marks on your flesh
while you fuck me into bliss
complete.. utter.. ignorant bliss

must be a masochist
as i continually
expose myself to
unmitigated suffering
at the hand of my
skilled lover

see.. you were
a hitchhiker on
my road to desire
should have never picked you up
never picked you up...

confused.. i thought
you were falling too..
should have never let you fucked..
never let you fucked

lips twist, hips dip
your tongue on my yoni
my hands in your hair
call out to the heavens
call your name
"i love you"
you tell me my pussy taste good
"i love you"
tell me i'm the best you ever had
"i love you"
cue the waterworks.

tears for your wifey
for she knows not what you do
tears for myself
you being your fool
you'll never leave her
they never do...

you don't wash my scent away
say you like the way i taste
tender forehead kisses
your hands wrapped round my waist..

see..you were
a hitchhiker on
my road to desire
should have never picked you up...
never let you fuck

you drove me

to a pit stop

called love...
my senses ablaze
along the way
fantasies of you and i
danced for me
just beyond my reach
they told me to leave
you be.
but i ...
masochist that i am
took pleasure in your pain

you drove me
to a pit stop
called love...
dropped me off
and continued home
without me..