Inner Fat Girl

Deck of Doom

2012-05-24T16:33:00.000-05:00

My cousin's little 23 month old, Mick (he is indeed also a mick, but that is a racial slur and I wouldn't call someone a 23 month old mick unless that was his name) was over on Mother's Day. I was working on getting a DVD to play for him and he walked over and picked up my crutch from its place against a wall. He dragged it over to me and was very insistent that I take it from him. I figured it was a game until I realized that for Mick's entire cognizant life, I've been on crutches. Seeing me without one freaked him out. How sad is that?

(Mick is incredibly cute but I won't post his picture. I've been hard at work investigating a crazy internet hoax involving a 22 year old stealing pictures from random people and using them to pose as the family of a young cancer patient. Fun stuff.)

Finally good news, you guys! My hip is feeling so much better. Yesterday I vacuumed for the first time since November of 2010 and I practically cried. The pain is 80% better and I only have to use a crutch occasionally. I'm finally feeling like a normal human being again. Six or eight more weeks of rehab (two muscles are still messed up) and I'm turning the page on this whole mess.

Sidenote: (and I am not on drugs, not even painkillers, so this isn't drug induced psychosis) I realized I was destined to have this injury. I tore three muscles off my right hip. My name is TARYN. As in tearing. Last name? Wright. As in right hip. Middle initial? H. It's all there, people, like Lincoln's secretary Kennedy and vice versa.

The sprained ankle is better. You have no idea how much everyone at physical therapy made fun of me for injuring the good leg. It's annoying more than anything else because it swells up, but it doesn't hurt so I win again.

HOW IN THE WORLD DO PEOPLE HAVE FOOT FETISHES? I try not to judge, but I can understand wanting to be an adult baby more than I can liking feet. Ick ick ick.

My dad came for dinner last night. He was sitting on the deck with Cooper and when I looked out I saw this.

He had knocked down a portion of the railing in order to have a better view of the yard. I wanted to get this documented as evidence in my defense when I'm charged with Elder Abuse. So between one deck eating my leg and this deck being desecrated so my dad didn't have to strain his neck, it's time for some major construction to start happening around here.

(Don't worry, I'm not attempting to do it myself. Can you imagine the injury possibilities?)

Aunt Taryn's House of Extreme Danger

2012-05-21T17:28:00.000-05:00

You know you had a totally killer party when, five days later, the chalk drawings are still covering your driveway.

I hosted my first big party at the new place on Mother's Day. When my cousins and their children arrived, I happily greeted them, "Hey kids! Hope you like facial scars!" Cooper crept around the outskirts of the party like a lion on the Serengeti stalking his prey. (Okay, not really, but I was a little worried his face biting reputation would ruin the party. Not so, everyone was firmly in Cooper's corner on this one).

My new house is on a creek, a slow moving creek that runs through several golf courses in town. As a result, it's filled with something that resembles "water" but might be, in reality, something closer to what Madame Curie studied back in the day. All day long, the parents yelled at the kids to stay away from the creek. I think they were either afraid of an accidental drowning or of someone falling in and their skin turning green like the Hulk.

Since it was a beautiful day, most of the party ended up on one of the two decks looking out into the backyard. Who wouldn't want to see a possible toxic chemical accident involving children, after all? My cousin's husband, an engineer, apparently quietly warned everyone that the deck had seen better days. I knew it eventually needed to be replaced but figured I'd get to that next year. Rolling my eyes, I pretty much ignored the advice from Dave the engineer. After all, what did he know?

The party was a big success. Nobody drowned or had their DNA altered (as far as I know- I believe that's why you pay for home insurace anyway). The next day, I went outside to water the flowers I had planted in pots on the deck and I fell right through. (Well, at least one foot did).

Good news: it was my right foot and my bad hip wasn't damaged or anything.

Just a bad sprain, confirmed in the emergency room. I have an air cast, two crutches again for a couple more days and a priceless picture of my father to cherish forever.

So basically in summary the house is trying to kill me. I blame one of my dear cousins, who has been telling me from the start that the place was haunted. Technically, she told me that even when I was going to buy a different house so it may have something to do with her not wanting me to be in the suburbs, but maybe her psychic powers are still developing.

This mysterious envelope and message arrived in my mailbox the Friday before The Porch Incident.

I can't say I wasn't warned!

Biting the Bully

2012-05-09T11:30:00.001-05:00

Apparently I horrified all of you with pictures of Cooper's birthday extravaganza the other day. Sorry about that. At least I didn't post pictures of the bloody injury pre-ER repair like my sister Kerry did, much to the dismay of her friends and my dog's reputation.

Seriously, could this face possibly be guilty in this scuffle? Come on.

Kerry is the type of person who only learns a lesson the hard way. She takes an odd delight in messing with animals. Since I brought Cooper home eight years ago, she's laughed and laughed at the way he growls when she pretends to eat out of his food dish. She also likes to bite down lightly on his lip. Yes, you read that right. The only shocking thing about the situation is that it was the first time she's been bit by an animal.

Poor Kerry learned not to mess with animals and food. She had to go out and meet her new girlfriend's friends on Saturday night with five stitches in her lip. It's healing really well, though, and the stitches come out tomorrow. It doesn't even look like she's going to have a scar. I'm happy about that because you just know she'd use that to get me to bend to her will.

Cooper won't be attending family parties for a while. He's never shown any sign of aggression towards people before but this incident makes me nervous. Maybe he's getting to a crotchety age where he's a little more sensitive. He did start on Glucosamine this week. Ahh, the joys of being 63 in dog years.

We were leaving the ER on Saturday when Annie texted me. Kerry had sent her pictures of the cake right before the big bite happened. I read the text out loud to Kerry and she's the one who came up with this reply.

Originally I was going to post my recipe for dog cake. I was proud of coming up with making four mini loaves and arranging them in the shape of a bone. However, on Saturday night, hours after the big Birthday Biting, I stepped in a large puddle of dog vomit that smelled exactly like the cake. I don't know if it was stress or my baking, but either way, I'm not sure you want to replicate this experience for your animals' birthdays in the future.

Kerry Learns a Lesson, or Cooper's 9th Birthday

2012-05-07T10:35:00.000-05:00

Story to follow but the photo essay was too perfect not to let stand on its own.

My New House is the Final Frontier

2012-05-02T06:54:00.000-05:00

Hello and greetings from the outskirts of civilization! I say that because after two attempts by Comcast, we still can't get internet at the new place. Apparently it isn't close enough to any cable source. They are coming back today to survey the property (hopefully on horseback!) and see if running a new wire is worth it for my $40 a month. Keep your fingers crossed because I've been going to my parents' at 5:30 AM to work and I think they're going to change the locks.

(Yes, I know about DSL and other options but I need really fast download and upload speeds to work. Heavy sigh.)

Okay, before I go on with my drivel, I made this recipe from Skinny Taste last night. Cheesy Jalapeno Popper Baked Stuffed Chicken. Oh my gosh, you guys. You'd never be able to tell that it's a light recipe. My roommate loved it, even though I had to make hers gluten free. She was amazed and kept asking me how I hollowed out a chicken breast. I let her believe, much like my family tried to make her believe in Santa Claus until she was a teenager. But try this one! You'll thank me.

Speaking of my dear sister, life with her is occasionally like living in one of those worksheets you did in kindergarten where you had to circle the dangerous mistake in the picture. I went downstairs to do laundry and saw that she had found the perfect place to hang up her shoe holder- on the back of the laundry room door so that it conveniently touched the furnace. I half expected to turn around and see an ax next to the baby's crib and eggs kept on the counter for storage. If the house burns down, you people know who to blame.

That's Cooper in the room that I've devoted to napping. You know life is exciting when you have a nap room.

We are also having some exciting plumbing issues so the first floor bathroom can't be used for a couple more days. Holy smokes have I gotten good at holding it. TMI, sorry. Anyway, hopefully that's just an anomaly and not the work of poltergeists. One of my darling cousins wasn't happy about me moving to the suburbs and she is continuing her campaign to convince me that the house is haunted. She sends me texts like "I wonder if the house knows you're coming?" and "So it begins..." and occasionally just texts me the names of scary movies like "The Strangers." I laughed it off until I saw the fog in the backyard last night.

Greetings from Amityville. Hope you're all doing well.

Movin' on Up

2012-04-24T13:29:00.001-05:00

After 462 days of living with my mom and dad, I have FINALLY moved out!!!

This is my pretty house. It's almost 100 years old and it's a wood frame house, which everyone knows makes excellent financial sense.

I really love it, although it still feels like I'm house sitting along with all my stuff.

Coopie is adjusting well. He is currently sleeping on my bed, something he stubbornly refused to do for our entire duration at my parents' place. I think he senses that I'm holding the reins again so he needs to at least pretend to like me.

Oh, and of course my dear sister Kerry moved in with me.

She has already tumbled out of a second story widow, stopping herself from rolling off the roof only when she hit the gutter. Don't even ask.

I got put back on crutches the week before the move, so my family ended up having to do most of the work. If you want to feel like a bum, have someone unpack your kitchen for you. I'm going to be kissing butts for a long time after this week. Big thanks to my mom and dad, Annie and Kerry, Aunt Jen, Beautiful Goddaughter Jamie and her lesser twin brother Johnny. I owe you guys.

Things are looking up, and hopefully I'm not only talking about my monthly expenses.

Kerry On My Wayward Sister

2012-04-16T17:25:00.001-05:00

Today my baby sister is 27 years old.

She's NEVER looked better!

Coopie Lickin' Good.

We are going to be roommates in 133 hours. Watch the news out of suburban Chicago for ax murders. Just a tip for those who want to give the inside scoop to 20/20 after the story breaks.

EDIT TO SHARE (WITH PERMISSION):

Kerry read aloud the card from my parents, with a couple of changes that she decided to make.

"Daughter, you are special. All parents look at their babies and wonder, 'What will this child be?' But in your case, the answers came sooner rather than later. Bright. Curious. Busy... Gay."

So true. The Neve Campbell posters were a dead giveaway.

Still Life with Easter Eggs

2012-04-12T17:17:00.000-05:00

Good Good Friday

2012-04-06T15:10:00.001-05:00

Today I changed my Facebook banner timeline picture thingamajig to this.

My darling cousin Missy and me on a hike while visiting our aunt in Colorado in 1982 or 1983. Adorable, right?

Immediately, my sister Evil Annie, the one that everyone thinks is so wonderful and so sweet and perfect, posted this.

SO MEAN! And check out her mocking little thumbnail pic. You can just tell she spends hours staring at herself in the mirror and admiring her intact muscle system, the bitch.

EDITED TO ADD: Just a reminder of how ladylike my sister has always been. Please compare this photo, which has been edited to save her "dignity," to my dainty pose.

I also got an incredible gift in the mail today from my dear imaginary Internet friend, Patty. How perfect is this?

I LOVE it! It's just the classiest thing I've ever seen and it fits my new decor perfectly. I know that when I move in 404 hours, that'll be the very first thing I hang up. Thank you, Patty! I wish you were my sister instead of Awful Annie.

Ups and Downs

2012-04-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

Up: I can feel my hip getting stronger and stronger every day and I am walking like a champ. Seriously, I may be the greatest walker that the world has ever known (or it could be just a side effect of finally being able to ditch the crutches for 90% of the time after a year of lugging those things around).

Down: Still really ridiculously painful. This is normal. Helpful hint: never injure soft tissue in your hip area.

Up: Saw the surgeon yesterday and he is super happy with how the hip looks. I can go back to rehab, yay, and I don't even have to go back to see him for another two months.

Down: I didn't get cleared to go to my dear friends' wedding in Tampa next month :( I am so sad to miss it, and it gets added to a long long list of stuff I've had to miss due to this stupid hip.

Up: Haven't gained any weight.

Down: Haven't lost any either. This will change hopefully soon now that I can add a little bit of activity to my life.

Up: I can drive now!

Down: Since I can only sit for a limited amount of time still, my destinations are pretty limited.

Big Up: The big move is only 430 hours away!!!

Down: That's still a long time to wait to cook this on my own personal stove.

Up: My mom still makes me laugh on an hourly basis.

Down: She still has some peculiar issues. This is Example 438.

Yes, she is afraid that sushi will give her nightmares. (And yes, I did secretly record that and that's illegal. I'm hoping she presses charges because at least going through the criminal justice system will be a nice change of pace from the monotony of my daily life).

Stork Short

2012-03-28T23:32:00.000-05:00

My sister Kerry announced today that she's decided she wants to have a baby some day in the future. This was definitely a new development.

"Yeah," she said casually, "I'm going to have to do it. For no other reason than to see what it would look like. No other reason at all. It's like those PopSecret Magic Color microwave popcorn bags from the 90s. I want to pop one out and see what's been hiding inside the bag."

I suppose babies have been brought into this world for more ridiculous reasons, but that one's pretty close to the top, huh?

Twenty Down

2012-03-12T11:27:00.000-05:00

I have officially lost twenty pounds.

That's 80 sticks of butter! Or a car tire or an Olsen twin. (Sorry, unkind).

Let's see, some culinary highlights from last week. I found this recipe on Pinterest. Of course I was drawn to the big bold claim that the entire LOAF was 500 calories. I think the math is off on that one, by the way. If you're super calorie conscious, I'd look at it carefully. Anyway, here's the picture from the recipe.

and here's my final product.

BOOM, screwed that one up. To me there was something a little off about this recipe. It was good but definitely tasted "diety." The fact that there are still leftovers of it in the fridge tells you that it wasn't out of this world.

But this recipe was much closer to out of this world. So simple, quick and delicious.

I love Gina from SkinnyTaste.com. When we sit down to eat, I announce that it's Gina's recipe. I have never met her, emailed her, talked to her or even seen what she looks like, which might be a sign of how isolated 16 months of injury recovery has made me, but whatever. I love her.

Another sign of my rapidly declining sanity- check out my headphones.

That took hours. Enough said.

Okay, here's our menu for the week.

MONDAY- we're cooking outside. I think I'm going to make Cooking Light Bacon and Cheddar Mashed Potatoes though.
TUESDAY- Baked Chicken Kiev from What's Cookin, Chicago?
WEDNESDAY- My mom loves this chicken from Francesca's and we're going to try and make it at home. See? I do let other people make decisions occasionally.
THURSDAY- Mexican Stuffed Shells from The Way to His Heart (I made this before and it's really good)
FRIDAY: Baked Penne with Roasted Vegetables from Food Network.

Who Needs Dynamite?

2012-03-09T15:33:00.000-06:00

A sure sign that you lead a remarkably exciting life is realizing you've been watching "Will It Blend?" videos for several hours.

Rooting for a blender might be a new low.

Facebooking the Facts

2012-03-07T09:19:00.000-06:00

Last night, I checked off a 21st century right of passage.

My mom joined Facebook.

Now, for most young(ish) adults, this would be cause for a little concern. Nobody wants their parents gettin' up in their business, no matter how old they may be. Since I unfortunately am living right under her obsessive compulsive little nose, this isn't really a concern.

I SHOULD be worried about these pictures of my mother that I've posted on Facebook through the years.

Luckily, my mom is insane and gave me permission to post them on Facebook, so I don't think I'm going to get grounded.

At least I hope not.

My mom claims she joined so she could join Pinterest. I knew I could convince her to hop on that bandwagon. My friend Aaron (who is equally crazy but ridiculously handsome) (happy birthday for the rest of your life, Aaron) always suggests that I give my mom Home Depot gift certificates because she is a handy lady for sure. All I had to do to get her on Pinterest was a casual "Hey Mom, look at this refurbished tin covered dishwasher! I bet you could learn to weld and do that yourself over the weekend."

There are bound to be some ER visits in our future.

The good news is that my mother doesn't know how to operate a scanner so I think I'm safe from a counter strike.

On a side note, I am her only friend on Facebook. She didn't friend my two sisters or her 723,456,129,334 nieces and nephews or her sisters-in-law or any of her friends. I think we all know what that tells us.

I'm STILL her favorite.

Mangia! Mangia!

2012-03-05T11:05:00.002-06:00

I have a couple of OMG HOLY CRAP! recipes from last week to share with you guys.

First, though, I have a question. Does anyone else just HATE chicken recipes for the crock pot? I don't think I have ever had one that I've loved. Some were okay, but mostly they've been just gross. Does anyone have one that'll prove me wrong?

This is going to shock some people. Check this out.

This has two of my most hated foods of all in it: bananas and yogurt. Guess what? It was delicious.

Guess who else drank an entire glass? My sister Annie who considers vegetables a mortal enemy. She kept drinking after I told her it had a cup of spinach in it! Now that's a sign of a great smoothie.

It also has coconut in it so when you drink it, you can easily imagine you're sitting on a beach sipping on a drink with an umbrella in it. Then again that might be the pain killers talking again.

It's from Gina at SkinnyTaste.com. You guys should try it. If I am drinking yogurt, you know it's good.

Kerry and I went crazy over this recipe this week. It was super simple, just avocados, pasta and a couple of other ingredients in a blender, but it was really quick and very good, even reheated. Thanks, Pinterest.

(You guys should add me on Pinterest so I can judge you for your taste in clothes, paint colors and recipe ideas.)

Pinterest also introduced me to this incredible idea. You mix a can of pumpkin with yellow cake mix and dump it into cupcake tins. No eggs, no oil, no butter. Just pumpkin. And they were great! My sisters gobbled them up. We had to hide the last one while Annie took Coop for a walk.

Kerry lacks control in the baked goods department just like I do. Somehow Kerry is a size six. Life isn't fair, my friendy poohs.

I also experimented with make ahead breakfast sandwiches this week.

I wasn't too thrilled with the results. I think they need bacon on them (what food in the world doesn't??) so I may tweak this recipe a little and try again.

I'm still working on the menu for this week. My darling mama is going to be home from her Hawaiian vacation so I can stop disobeying my hip doctor and actually sit around not cooking for a while. I'm going to figure out some stuff for her to make that won't make her call me a pain in the ass. This is going to be a challenge because she loves to call me a pain in the ass.

Okay, and here's the craziest thing of all. The last two times I weighed myself I did it in the middle of the day and after I had eaten. Today I did it first thing in the morning. Unless the scale on the day of my surgery at the hospital was wrong, I have now lost EIGHTEEN POUNDS since December 1st. How crazy is that?? No fast food and carefully watching what you eat apparently does give you results! Who knew?

**EDIT** Here's the plan for dinner this week. My mom is super excited for me to direct her. Since I don't have a bossy bone in my entire body (shut up everyone that knows me) I'm sure it'll go swimmingly.

MONDAY: Subway
TUESDAY: Skinny Taste Pasta with Italian Chicken Sausage, Peppers and Escarole (we had this before and it's great!)
WEDNESDAY: Family favorite Lemon Chicken from Simply Recipes
THURSDAY: Cooking Light Mini Meat Loaves
FRIDAY: Skinny Taste Easiest Pasta and Broccoli

Hero

2012-03-03T11:10:00.000-06:00

Like all "oldest" kids in a family, I was jealous of my classmates with older siblings. They seemed so much cooler than me and had a much greater knowledge of Madonna, Tiffany and Wham! It felt like I had been dealt an unfair advantage just because my parents had me first.

Then, when we were ten, one of my friends announced she was going to be an aunt. My stomach boiled with jealousy. An aunt? At the rate my baby sister was taking to be potty trained, I wouldn't be an aunt til my 40s!

Then, we grew up.

Through Facebook, I watched my friend post pictures of her handsome nephew, now a teen and then a young man in his 20s. He was tall and strong, a Marine. She posted pictures of him at his graduation from basic training and at her wedding. He proposed to his girlfriend at Soldier Field and his proud aunt posted pictures of that. Then he was deployed overseas and my friend posted pictures of her whole family saluting the camera for him, big smiles on their faces.

On Thursday, he was killed in action in Afghanistan.

I am so devastated for their family. Could you guys send them positive thoughts and prayers, if you're the type who prays? This has really driven home the fact that so many families in the last decade have had to bury their pride and joys in the flower of their youth.

This is Conner Lowry and he is a hero.

Funky Monkee

2012-02-29T13:54:00.000-06:00

I just read that Davy Jones has died. How depressing is that? I love the Monkees. In 2008, we went on a cruise and who was the entertainment but Micky Dolenz.

That's him and his sister, Coco. The show was great. The next morning, my dad ran into him at breakfast and tried to talk to him and Micky kind of blew him off. My dad was very upset that a Monkee was not thrilled to meet him, the infamous Jack Wright. That story illustrates my dad's personality very well.

But anyway, RIP Davy.

Good news: Saw the surgeon today and the incredible increase in pain I've experienced is normal and the result of severe hip inflammation, not me tearing something new.

Bad news: It sets my recovery back further and I again have at least two weeks of being housebound and down. And NO COOKING! I'm hoping my darling sister steps up and follows our menu plan but we shall see.

I know it's boring reading hip updates but trust me, there is very little out there about this surgery so I want to make sure that people who google GLUTEUS MEDIUS TENDON TEAR REPAIR find this blog and email me so I can let them know what's in store for them.

Oh boy would they be in for a treat.

It's Just Food, Dude

2012-02-27T08:34:00.000-06:00

Happy Mardi Gras from my little Wonder Dummy!

Last week was a busy one, especially for a shut-in like me. I bought a house on Tuesday (no big deal) and then my cousin had surgery on Wednesday (and is thankfully home and doing great). We only managed to eat TWO of the meals I had planned out so lovingly.

SkinnyTaste.com Chicken and Mushrooms in a Garlic Wine Sauce- I made this in a hurry and in a bad mood, so if you're a believer in the "Like Water for Chocolate" school of life, that's why this dish was just okay for me. My beautiful goddaughter loved it and tried and loved brussels sprouts for the first time. Success!

Panko Crusted Tilapia- This one was a good one. I made it with asparagus, baked baby potatoes and SkinnyTaste's fake Red Lobster biscuits. Kerry refused to eat it because "fish is too watery" (see what I deal with?) but everyone else was a fan.

Yesterday, we had an Oscar party. Well, really it was just my sisters and Jamie, but we drank sparkling grape juice and indulged in appetizers and desserts. After seeing them on Stacia's Facebook page, I made mini pretzel bites with cheese sauce. They were good and a big hit at the party, but they were a pain in the butt to make. Kerry was not pleased by the number of dishes she had to wash. We also had Skinny Buffalo Chicken Dip which was also a show stopper, Puppy Chow (which I have to get out of my house before I eat the whole darn thing of it) and little S'mores Bites. A great time was had by all.

I was down 2.5 more pounds this week, meaning I have lost nine pounds. I'll take it!

This week, it's just me and Kerry at home. Did I tell you guys she is going to be my roommate when I finally move? Did I tell you guys I am now moving at the end of April instead of the end of March? Did I tell you guys how wonderful you all look today? Anyway, the menu plan is as follows, and I'm sticking to it.

Monday: Creamy Avocado Pasta
Tuesday: Cooking Light Monterey Jack, Corn and Roasted Red Pepper Risotto
Wednesday: Crock Pot Chicken Parmesan
Thursday: Cooking Light Sausage-Stuffed Manicotti
Friday: Cooking Light Broccoli Cheese Soup

Lets' hope I can get my lazy sister to go to the grocery store or else we're having cereal and mealy baked potatoes. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Quicks from the Quack

2012-02-24T13:44:00.000-06:00

Remember old friend and BlogHer roommate Kate? The one who writes this hilarious blog? She's having a baby and I assumed it'd be a girl because she has a beautiful daughter named Aura and is a Girl Mom. Guess who's having a baby boy? This changes my (limited and beginner) knitting plans completely.
Did I mention my cousin TC, mother of the baby with the world's most adorable thighs, Audrey, started a blog? It's called Is That Spit Up On My Stiletto. Worth it for the baby pictures ALONE!

Oh, I bought a house on Tuesday! This will be a lot more exciting when I actually move in. But still, the light at the end of the long, dark, terrifying, evil, scary tunnel of living with my parents is moving closer and closer.
The sellers of the house gave me pictures from the 1920's of my new place. How cool is this?

We've been making a new treat for our infamous Cocktail Hour. My darling mother and aunt drink large goblets of wine while Jamie, Kerry and I stare in disbelief and count how many times they say "you know what?" in a conversation. We usually have cheese and crackers but not anymore, thanks to SkinnyTaste.com.

Of course you can depend on me for food photography of the very highest quality. Please click the link and see how there are SUPPOSED to look like. They're baked mozzarella cheese sticks and they are incredible. Seriously better than anything you'd get at a restaurant. I'm the queen of dip and marinara sauce (one day, if you're good little boys and girls I will show you my crown!) and these didn't need anything. They are perfect. Gina at SkinnyTaste is a frickin' genius. (I just spelled that g-e-n-i-o-u-s which may be a sign that I, myself, am not a genius.)
My mom and dad are on their way to Hawaii. I am jealous, but this means I get to be HOME ALONE for the first time in, oh, fourteen months. Bring it on, Joe Pesci and Old Kevin Arnold Voice, I'm your worst nightmare.

Classy, Like Lassie

2012-02-23T09:55:00.000-06:00

My mom and I have been using a great new hair product. It smells great and leaves your hair soft and shiny. We're both big fans. What is this miracle product, you may ask?

That/s right, dog freshener. We've hit a new low around these parts. (It really does smell great though!)

My cousin Jack asked me to talk about him in this blog. He may be an egomaniac, following in a great family tradition.

Jack is great at annoying me. On Christmas Eve, he regaled me with fifty minute summaries of thirty minute "South Park" episodes while I screamed for mercy, literally a captive audience stuck in bed at a thirty degree angle. Then he graphically described every scene of every violent video game he's ever come across. It was true misery and Jack loved every minute of it.

Jack is in the midst of having four surgeries to correct his scoliosis and yesterday was the first one. He came through it with flying colors. It was probably a better experience for him than listening to Jack on Christmas Eve was for me. Eventually, he'll have a metal rod in his spine. We are both looking forward to attaching magnets to the metal implants in our bodies and going through metal detectors multiple times together.

I do love the little weirdo and if you guys could send good wishes his way, I'd appreciate it.

Hopefully he emerges from this with better taste in TV shows and video games. One can only hope.

Cooking Up a Plan

2012-02-20T11:15:00.000-06:00

You guys, thank you for all the tips about breakfast. Every one of you is more creative than me. I hate breakfast food and usually either skipped it or ate some kind of cereal. On my good days it wasn't Quaker Oh's (yes, they still make those) or Froot Loops.

After your advice, I made these on Saturday.

Those are Broccoli and Cheese Mini Omelets from the website Skinny Taste. I'm going to write more about that site later because it's incredible, but back to breakfast. Those little suckers were good, and that's coming from a lady who doesn't particularly care for eggs. They keep in the fridge for three days. I'm going to add them to my rotation.

I'm also going to once again try yogurt. It's going to be hard. I'm going to have my mom go light a candle for me at church. Fingers crossed.

My mom is turning to alternative methods to get through these last five weeks of living with me.

Sorry for the ADD related sidetrack.

So anyway, I weighed myself yesterday and it turns out that I have lost 6.5 pounds since the day of my hip surgery. This is shocking as I spent six weeks lying in bed eating peach rings. I am guessing that means since I have started my new exciting weight loss plan, I've lost about ten pounds. Drop in the bucket, but a great start!

So what am I doing? I'm being a Stepford Wife, according to my darling drunken mother. The key to my weight loss in the past has been cooking my own food. Since I love to cook, this shouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately I am lazy and once 6 PM rolls around most nights, I'd rather heat up a pizza, go to Chipotle or get take out than figure out what's for dinner.

Three weeks ago, I downloaded an iPad app called Menu Planner. It was $2.99 and worth every penny. You can easily import recipes from different websites in just a couple of clicks. Then it lets you schedule on a calendar what you're having for dinner during the week. With the press of a button, it generates your grocery list. How cool is that?

(I am not being paid to rave about this app. I also still can't grocery shop so I should say "it generates my mother's grocery list" but you guys get what I mean).

Here's our meal plan from last week.

I've been making one light (but delicious) main course and two veggies as side dishes. So far, the fam has been pleased.

I don't want to make this blog all about weight loss, but I was thinking on Mondays I could post our meal plan for the week and link to recipes, and then maybe review recipes on another day. Then I'll update on what the scale says once a month.

Because I'm still broken, I can't exercise. Well, I'm doing little things at rehab, but for a while, the gym is out. It's going to be interesting to see how this whole thing is going to work just concentrating on diet.

One of my biggest motivators on my last trip down the scale was progress pictures. With that being said, here are my before pictures. Yes, I'm putting them behind a link. I am in a red bathing suit so please don't mistake me for Pamela Anderson in her Baywatch days.

And here is the plan for dinner for this week.

MONDAY: Cooking Light Sausage-Stuffed Manicotti
TUESDAY: SkinnyTaste.com Chicken and Mushrooms in a Garlic White Wine Sauce
WEDNESDAY: Panko Crusted Tilapia
THURSDAY: Cooking Light Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad
FRIDAY: Cooking Light Monterey Jack, Corn and Roasted Red Pepper Risotto

Saturday is leftover night and Sunday we eat out usually.

I have a lot more to say about this weight loss stuff in the next couple of days, but right now I have to once again go out furniture shopping because in 28 HOURS I will be a new homeowner!!!!!!!!!

Skip This if You Hate Previews

2012-02-17T14:31:00.000-06:00

Good news. I've finally gotten off my "life isn't fair, I had bad depression followed by fourteen months of hip ickyness so I'm going to eat chocolate covered pretzels and peach rings all day every day" diet.

Bad news: I've gained quite a bit of weight on my effed up hip odyssey.

Good news: Since I've lost 110 lbs before, I know what to do to lose this NINETY pounds.

Yes, you read that right. I started this blog and needed to lose forty pounds. Two years later, it's ninety. Follow my advice, Internet people! I am the new Susan Powter!

Bad news: It was very very very hard to admit that to you guys, Internet People.

Good news: I did and it's over and done with.

Bad news: I am not going to be able to exercise for a long, long time.

Good news: Most of weight loss is through diet, anyhow.

More good news: I've lost some weight in the last two weeks. Not sure how much, but this one pair of pants that looked like they were bike shorts now look normal.

Even more good news: I'm going to share what I'm doing with you guys, but not until Monday.

BUT... now that I've shocked you all with this news of yo yo dieting and weight gain while on bed rest, I need your help.

Can everyone who reads this please tell me what they eat for breakfast on a normal day?

This is my problem area for sure and I need some ideas.

Good news: It's warm here and sunny. I'm sitting on my parents' screen porch.

Bad news: They have it encased in plastic for the winter so I am having flashbacks to those scenes in ET where the government comes and bubbles up the house. Oh my gosh I was so terrified of that when I was a kid!

See what I mean? I am just waiting for Elliott to ride by on a bicycle.

Just Like Romeo and Juliet

2012-02-15T13:19:00.000-06:00

Last year, my dad waxed poetic on how lucky he was to have found my mom.

"I was 30 years old, Tare, and let me tell you, the pickings were slim. I can't believe I met someone so normal."

Thanks, Dad! Love, your 33 year old single daughter.

Anyway, their love story is an interesting one. My dad loves to talk about how much he loves my mom, how beautiful she is and how lucky we all are to have her. He'll interrupt a conversation at dinner to admire my mom's profile. He's smitten. This makes him the perfect straight man.

One day, he asked my mom when she knew she was in love with him. "Hmmm. Right after Annie was born."

When Dad went on and on and on about how happy he was to be celebrating their 34th anniversary, my mom responded by saying that if she had murdered him, they would've released her by now.

It's all very romantic and inspiring, let me tell you. It's like living a real life version of "The Notebook."

Yesterday, my dad presented my mom with this homemade Valentine.

My mom asked him where he was hiding the chocolate.

Proof That I Fail at Life: Pinterest

2012-02-14T13:11:00.000-06:00

For the past month or so, I've been obsessed with Pinterest. By browsing through this never ending catalog, I've managed to mentally organize every future house I will ever own. My imaginary children live in gorgeous rooms and have intricate treehouses in our perfectly manicured pretend yard. I have art projects planned for these children from birth to their teen years. And I know how to store these projects. Or laminate them. No biggie, I'm set.

Every party I will ever throw is planned, from decorations to appetizers to favors to games to desserts. Oh, and invitations because for the ladies and gentlemen of Pinterest, Facebook events just doesn't do it. I know now to present friends turning 40 with a bouquet of lollipops and a card that says "Forty Sucks." I am a better person all because of Pinterest.

But...

Pinterest has shown me how much I stink at life. I do pretty well with the organization section. Nobody labels a box better than me. Cooking? Mostly I have that covered. When I get to the section where people take pictures of their outfits and accessories, though...

Just to give you guys a visual, I've prepared two pins of outfits I wore last week.

Compare that to a random pin I found.

Yikes. I have a long way to go to get to that level of pulling-myself-together-itude.

In my defense, the only time I get out these days is for rehab, but still. This has been going on since high school where I would wear pajama bottoms to school almost daily. In college, one of my dorm neighbors threatened to burn the plastic shoes I had purchased at Walgreens and wore almost daily. This lack of fashion sense is not a new thing.

I'm going to work on it. I'll keep you guys posted. Maybe as I start learning to furnish and accessorize my house, I'll figure out how to spruce myself up too. I don't think it could get much worse.

Oh, but the pet section of Pinterest always makes me feel better.

Um, except I call Cooper forty times before he even turns his head in my direction.

Curse you, Pinterest! You're ruining my self-esteem!

Help! I'm Having a Decorating Emergency!

2012-02-09T15:56:00.000-06:00

When I told one of my dear cousins that I was no longer buying the short sale house because the bank counter-offered for 20% more than the original asking price, she was appalled.

"Why not? You have the money... you're obviously not spending it on clothes."

Ouch.

Then, when my offer was accepted on the other house and I texted her, positively giddy with excitement, she wrote back, "Good. For god's sake, hire a decorator."

Double ouch.

(Side note: my cousin isn't a TOTAL bitch. She is actually just extremely funny and she knows I'm not sensitive). (I think).

So, I can't hire a decorator because I am not currently appearing on "Real Housewives of Suburban Chicago." The problem is that I am moving from my 800 square foot condo into a five bedroom house. Not only that, I am the anti-hoarder and my tiny condo wasn't exactly filled to the brim with furniture.

My mom used to say that she had seen hotel rooms with more personality than my condo. Actually I don't think she said that, but let's go with it. It sounds very "Mommy Dearest."

So, basically, I've bought some new furniture, but I still need help. How did you guys furnish your houses/apartments/dorms? Where did you get stuff like rugs, side tables, and fancy stuff to sit on surfaces and look homey? How did you figure out what to hang on all the walls? Did I miss the day in high school where people learned how to coordinate stuff? I bet it was the same day you guys all learned the Electric Slide.

(Side note: remember how sick you guys got of me talking about my stupid hip? You haven't seen ANYTHING yet. Welcome to House Blog 2012).

The good news is that there are a lot of built-ins in this new house, which makes it a little easier for me.

I just wish the old owners would leave every single stick of furniture and all of their decorating crap behind because I'm overwhelmed.

So in summary, please comment with websites, stores, tips, tricks, links, Pinterest boards, etc etc. I would appreciate it very much. I don't want to have to call HGTV and have them send over that one chick who hangs chandeliers in laundry rooms and throws glitter at walls. My cousin would definitely not approve.