Inner-Ninja

Ninjas and Airtex Fuel Pumps

2014-01-07T23:02:00.000-05:00

I would just like to say that having installed my first fuel pump replacement on my Dodge Ram, I am certainly feeling like a ninja. I used an Advance Auto Parts coupon for this Airtex Pump Assembly Kit, and found the whole process was incredibly easy.

No subterfuge from snarky mechanics, no sumo wrestling style nonsense. I simply believed in my ninja skills, and watched three instructional videos from Advance Auto Parts, and my ninja car mechanic skills took over.

I was dressed all in black, with a large bump in my front pocket. the fuel pump could not tell if this bump was of biological origin or simply a mechanical tool I might use in my car fixing endeavors, but when the show was over I had applied a coupon successfully and changed an air filter, and skipped my psych meds in one sweeping blitz!

Ninjas are being usurped by Cannibals

2013-11-05T21:34:00.002-05:00

The ninja has enjoyed a fairly good stretch through out the first part of the 21st century in terms of respect, esteem and cultural cachet. Zombies posed an existential threat, but could not really be taken seriously since by nature they are plodding, ridiculous, and a dead end apocalyptic figure. But a new relic has entered the fray and threatens to supplant the ninja in the alter ego zeitgeist.

We are talking about cannibals.

Yes, cannibals are like ninjas in that they are cunning, human, and often with a strong internal moral compass. They feed on taboo meat, much as the ninja exists in the shadows of the acceptable social order.

It remains to be seen whether cannibals will simply be found disgusting, even for a culture that thrives on pushing the envelope of acceptability ever further. But when one considers the recent appearance of cannibals as the shocking tribe of end times in the movie "This is the End," one does not need much imagination to extend the metaphor a little further into our own times!

Fusion Fighters

2013-03-10T16:39:00.003-04:00

My goodness! I have found a new performance troupe called "Fusion Fighters." They combine elements of tap dance, Irish traditional dancing, music, synthesizers, video editing, ninja garb, swordsmanship, and comedy into a completely insane fusion of pop influences. One can only learn by watching: I am confused, amused, and entertained! I'm not sure how these folks can transition to a profit-generating business mode. It is almost like they wrote down thirty popular themes and musical genres and threw them into a hat, then picked 10, and combined to make a ninja gumbo. I think perhaps the term "simplify" should apply here, as this scrambled egg omelette has just a few too many ingredients. That aside, they do seem sincere in their pursuit of ninja novelty, and from Kilarney to Kinsale, Irish folks will soon know of the Fusion Fighters. Or they may pass into obscurity very quickly as vicious and entertaining fights break out among the members of the band over the artistic direction such insanity should take. Best of luck, Fusion Fighters. Consider nudity, or an epic clash with colcannon-eating zombies in the next video, and you may go viral!

Are the Mummers of Philadelphia Ninja-like?

2013-01-01T17:41:00.001-05:00

I'm pleased to say that I was able to watch my very first Mummers New Years Day parade in the very ninja-worthy city of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. For those unfamiliar with the premise of the parade, tens of thousands of regular Philadelphians dress up in Saturnalian outfits usually seen in locations like Carnaval, and parade up Broad Street playing banjos, drums, and dancing.

When one considers the practiced skill, clandestine organization, and workman-like performance of these men in costume, a natural comparison with the ninja must be considered.

The mummers are able to brave the cold weather with only alcohol to warm their stomachs. They show no fear in the face of camera crews and curious and often perplexed tourists. The sincerity of their parade mocks bullshit like Disney's daily parades. In this sense they are genuine ninjas, standing for something great and meaningful that is too often held down by the man - human creativity and collective artistry behind masks of courage.

Then again many are perhaps drunken hooligans. But for the most part the mummers are modern-day masters of show.

Dodging Zombies on the Commute to Work

2012-07-12T23:11:00.000-04:00

This post does not involve ninjas in a direct way, but rather alludes to the requisite patience and self control possessed by the ninja, in contrast to the plodding, savage, mindless pursuit of these f-ing zombies we share the roads with.

Each and every day on the way to and from work we are confronted by maniacal zombies behind aggressive, flesh eating wheels of Toyota SUV's, Chevy Red Sedans, and sad looking imports that have dressed up like the American Soccer mom ideal. These zombies tailgate, blow their horns, and generally look exasperated behind the wheel of their stupid lives. They endanger everyone around them by speeding to get nowhere important, and drive as if their undead lives were of any significance at all.

It is a life sustaining skill to not engage these undead monsters on the road. They are harmful, and they have already been lost. They cannot be saved, and they are not worth fighting. It is best to dodge them, to steer clear when able so they might find fresh brains to nibble, like monkeys with hepatitis coddling rotten figs.

Envision other travelers on the road as zombies, and you shall once more be called "ninja", "survivor", and perhaps even "Twan."

And if you are shopping this month for auto parts coupon codes, be sure to check out Cooter's blog. I'm not sure if he is a zombie, ninja, or some new form of algal hive mind, blooming in another dimension close enough to our own that we can appreciate his consilience.

Ninjas given bad name Robbing Bingo Name

2012-05-24T00:11:00.001-04:00

Some less than inspired crime has taken place in the name of the ninja, this time in Florida at a bingo game. Three teenage fools dressed in shabby ninja costumes have been caught on film robbing a defenseless, pitiful collection of tired souls playing the mind numbing escape game of bingo. One of the perpetrators can be seen picking a wedge between his asinine cheeks, note, not "assassin" cheeks - for these ninjas were caught and face time in jail. Not only have they disgraced the ninja motif with unrighteous theft, they have disgraced themselves in the way antisocial zombie like hoods do robbing old ladies, the infirm, and the crippled among us.

Of course any self respecting ninja would reject this type of behavior as immoral and sad. Another reason I am glad to not live in Florida, land of fire ants, humidity, borrowed geologic time as the ice sheets melt, and fraudulent elections that change the course of history for the much, much worse. Is it any doubt that Jeb Bush chose to locate his insincere, personal aggrandizing enterprise here?

Catch the video of these costume wearing children behaving badly.

Ninjas of the Occupy movement

2012-01-28T22:41:00.002-05:00

It seems that the ninja motif has surfaced again in the popular culture, this time as a symbol of "justice and seeking the truth," according to one of the OCCUPY protesters in Eugene, Oregon.

You can see the "ninja" garb of these protesters is lacking. There is little evidence of stealth, and weaponry is limited to notions of justice and ideas with moral clarity. In their defense, to show up with the typical nunchucks and ninja throwing stars would render these protesters fair game for the skull bashing, heavy handed law enforcement types, akin to the samurai of old.

The sacred ninja will always occupy a space in the hearts and minds of those who resist, be it resistance of a capitalist system that is broken and creating a neo-feudal society of pigs and chattle, or simply a legend to lend courage to suburban heroes tired of the franchise strewn rot of zombie americana.

Don't forget to shop with coupons, ninjas always save money for the movement.

The Ninja as Food?

2011-04-16T17:24:00.002-04:00

WTF!

The latest and perhaps most disturbing trivialization of the ninja mystique comes in the form of the iphone app "fruit ninjas", a game that presupposes that the arch enemy of the ninja is "fruit."

I'm not kidding. Read this article about ninjas and fruit.

The ninja were warriors. Just like leprechauns were bad ass little Irish folk characters not to F with. I guarantee that there will soon be ninja marshmallows in some cereal for obese children with small prefrontal cortexes and coarse features.

The only fruit that deserves mentioning in the same sentence as ninja is the starfruit. Because when the starfruit is cut in thin slices it evokes the ninja throwing star.

Ninjas and coupons

2010-11-26T17:24:00.003-05:00

The modern world allows few outlets of expression for the ninja born into the wrong century. Whereas the ninja of the classic era might be expected to stealthily prowl the night in search of adventure and mayhem in the name of justice and and class warfare, the modern person predisposed to ninjahood can only bark at the moon and drink Mountain Dew in a vain attempt to BE EXTREME!

It is a sad state of affairs for the ninja.

One possible outlet of expression might be the collection of coupons. The high prices demanded by the corporate world are a kind of neo-class warfare, pitting the fat princes of capitalism against the lean indentured servant-consumers. It is only a matter of time before revolution, and the seeds of this revolution can be found within the very conflagration built by the king. This hidden Achilles heel is the coupon code, found on certain renegade sites off the grid, with Google lending her Harriet Tubman lamp to find the way.

Search out coupons, my friends, and be one with the inner ninja you still possess.

Alien vs Ninja

2010-11-13T20:40:00.006-05:00

Alien vs Ninja - This could be awesome... If you loved the movie Predator, but thought the effects were too realistic, and overall too much money was spent then this over-the-top ninja action fest might be just what you want...

Alien vs Ninja

- coupon of the day: new medifast coupon code for $50 off. When you lose 20 pounds on Medifast Diet, you are faster and more agile, like ninja. Also, for what Dr. Phil calls a better tasting option, consider BistroMD coupons

Ninja Haiku

2009-12-03T22:26:00.001-05:00

Sneaky ninja warrior

Stealing coupon codes from samurai

Why is black not called ninja?

That was god awful.

Latest Ninja in the News

2009-10-13T23:50:00.004-04:00

This is hilarious, from the AP:

VERNON, Conn. — Vernon police said they arrested a man who was dressed as a ninja and waving nunchucks while yelling about wanting to beat up U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman. The man, 30, was charged Sunday with breach of peace. Police said he was brought to Rockville General Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation and later released.

Authorities said they received several emergency calls about the man, who witnesses say was standing at the corner of Route 83 and Regan Road at about 11 a.m.

Officers said they pulled out bean bag and taser guns, and the man became polite and cooperative.

Ninja-worthy parts of this story:

~dressed in all black, presumably

~Joe Lieberman is certainly a fair target of the ninja who seeks to undermine the ruling effete elite

~ninja mental tricks were pulled to secure a swift release from the psychiatric evaluation at the hospital

Not ninja-worthy parts of the story:

~the waving of nunchucks is so Chuck Norris

~ninja shit went down at 11 AM... 11 AM? Ninjas should still be sleeping at that hour, resting for a restive night of ninja shit

~the "ninja" was subdued by a bean bag and taser gun threat. WTF!!! Unless, of course, this was all a ruse to infiltrate the police headquarters, in which case the diversion worked perfectly with a minimum of corporeal risk

yes! and check out Chuck's new coupons for the total gym!

Phillies World Series 2009 - World Phucking Champions Again?

2009-09-06T13:04:00.005-04:00

We consider the Philadelphia Phillies ninja-like. Chase Utley, after winning the World Series in 2008, got up on stage in front of a national audience and stated:

"World Champions."
The Philly audience was happy, but in restrained disbelief.
Then Utley clarified the significance of his last statement by inflecting the phrase with a local Philadelphia dialect:
"World Fucking Champions!"
The audience erupted in cheers, as suddenly their glorious victory made sense.

Will the Phillies repeat in 2009? Will there be a second World Fucking or World Phucking Championship.

It seems likely. It seems very fucking likely, especially with t-shirts popping up like the one featured here.

Philly fans, Let's Phucking Do It Again.

Two New Ninja Movies

2009-08-20T19:43:00.000-04:00

From the examiner.com:

We at the New York Martial Arts Examiner desk are really excited about a couple of upcoming ninja movies, so we thought we'd share. (Official excuse: the upcoming Scott Adkins vehicle Ninja takes place in New York. Ninjas + New York = relevant. Done and done.)

If you haven't seen the trailer for Ninja, check it out here: Ninja Teaser Trailer. The film tells the story of a caucasian studying Ninjutsu in Japan who is asked by his teacher to return to New York for some reason or another and who cares it's freaking ninjas in New York! The trailer looks great, but if you still need a reason to get excited about a Scott Adkins movie, check out this training footage from his Wolverine fight scene: Wolverine Training.

Unfortunately, there is no U.S. release date yet. It will be gettable in Malaysia and the U.K. on October 22 and November 23, respectively, so hopefully it will be stateside soon after. For more details on Ninja, check out First look at Isaac Florentine’s ‘Ninja' over at kungfucinema.com.

A movie that does have a U.S. release date, though, is Ninja Assassin, the Wachowski brothers' attempt to reboot the ninja genre for the 21st century. Set for release November 25, Ninja Assassinlooks less awesome (casting a Korean pop singer as the lead ninja is not a great start), but it does include Sho Kosugi among its cast, so it can't be all bad. You can check out the trailer at the OfficialNinja Assassin Website.

Air France Email Hoax, Fake Pictures from Cellphone

2009-06-21T17:49:00.006-04:00

I received a really terrifying email today with supposed pictures taken by a victim of the Air France crash off of Brazil before he died. Without dignifying the email, or getting spyware on my computer by republishing the photos, suffice it to say that there were two photos showing a plane torn in half, blue sky behind, and people getting sucked into midair to fall to their deaths.

What horrific photos! I was so upset by the thought of it that I did a little research through google news, and I can't find any other media reports of a plane colliding with the Air France plane, nor could I find or reports of any photos being taken before the demise of the plane, which leads me to conclude these are a hoax, which somehow makes me feel better. I had heard that the passengers would have felt like they were "hitting a brick wall at 500 mph" if the plane came apart at a high altitude, which is supported by the pattern of multiple fractures in all the recovered bones.

What kind of sick individual crafts such a hoax? Of course money motivates some people to do just about anything. At the bottom of that email there is a link to "A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps" If you were to click on it, which I don't recommend, you would be taken to freecreditreports.com with a cookie place on your computer that pays the person who created the link some money, either with each click, or with a commission if you buy something. In the structure of the link there is a "personal ID number" that tracks who this person is so they get credit for the referral. Even the terrifying pictures themselves, when clicked on (not recommended), lead to some bullshit website that probably puts spyware on your computer.

Also, I heard the plane crashed in terrible weather, surrounded by thunderclouds and rising equatorial weather storms. This photo has a pretty clear sky behind it.

Additionally, search parties have been combing the ocean for the black box, which emits some sort of signal, and have been unable to find it, much less someone's camera phone.

Finally, I can almost picture this still frame from some movie. Perhaps it was the opening scene of LOST, or Garden State, or something... I can't quite place it.

What assholes!

Hope this makes you feel better that the victims had quick deaths. So that opportunistic hoaxes like this one don't dissuade anyone from taking the measured risk of flying (myself included), I found this crazy headline story:

Woman Missed Fatal Air France Flight, Dies in Car Crash

An Italian woman who arrived late at the airport for the fatal Air France flight 447 has died in a car accident, according to ANSA news agency.
Johanna Ganthaler, a pensioner from the Bolzano-Bozen Province (South Tyrol, Italy) and her husband, Kirk, were on vacation in Brazil and missed flight 447 after arriving at the airport late. They were able to board a later flight and avoided being victims of the horrible crash.
The couple rented a car in Munich, Germany and decided to drive home to Italy. On their way home, while driving through Kufstein, Austria, their car ended up in the opposite lane and they had a head on collision with a truck.
The woman died at the hospital that she was taken to. Her husband is still in critical condition.

There are 9,000+ other articles about this story being true. You can't avoid all risk, even when driving sounds safer than flying these days!!!

Sons of bitches. Someone with more skills than I should track this person down using knowledge of link structures and the personal ID number this person used to credit himself with cookies on your computer when you click on it.

I'm not above making a little cash, as evidenced by my snarky t-shirt business (http://www.cafepress.com/innerlegend), and I'm not above capitalizing on pop culture trends... but to take advantage of fear and sensationalism and tragedy and outright lying in so doing is just SICK.

Pass this on.

Susan Boyle T-shirt

2009-05-24T22:18:00.004-04:00

Wow. She just stood and delivered another masterful performance tonight. Susan Boyle is a hero for many reasons. She stands proud and delivers. She is not a perfect beauty, and she refuses to be judged or dismissed because of it. Her voice is a lovely instrument, and she wields it with power and bravery. May she win it all. This t-shirt celebrates the first Susan Boyle breakthrough song "Dream." She has been an inspiration to me.

Bo Obama, White House Dog

2009-04-12T04:40:00.004-04:00

To celebrate the excellent choice of Bo, a Portuguese Water Dog, as the First Dog of America, this limited edition design is available on a wide range of t-shirts aimed to appease the teeming masses now demanding Bo propaganda at once.

ALL HAIL
GREAT LEADER
BO OBAMA.

I think it is Morning in America... finally.

Adventureland T-shirts

2009-04-12T02:47:00.001-04:00

A now, a Spring movie worthy of the modern day ninja:

Adventureland.
If you haven't yet seen the movie Adventureland, then you should. It's a great flick, perfect for Spring. After seeing the movie you'll surely want one of these Adventureland T-shirts, reading the geeky "Games, games, games, games, games" across the front. Who hasn't had a summer job requiring such cheesy uniformed flair!

From Metacritic:

It's the summer of 1987, and James Brennan , an uptight recent college grad, can't wait to embark on his dream tour of Europe. But when his parents announce they can no longer subsidize his trip, James has little choice but to take a lowly job at a local amusement park. Forget about German beer, world-famous museums and cute French girls -- James' summer will now be populated by belligerent dads, stuffed pandas, and screaming kids high on cotton candy. Lucky for James, what should have been his worst summer ever turns into quite an adventure as he discovers love in the most unlikely place with his captivating co-worker Em, and learns to loosen up. (Miramax Films)

A great comedy, and a must-see!

Ninja Parade

2009-03-28T14:58:00.001-04:00

From The Onion News Network comes this fascinating report on the Modesto, California Annual Ninja Parade. Spectators were not disappointed... no ninjas were able to be seen.

Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again

Ninjas in Hawaii

2009-02-26T10:35:00.003-05:00

Here is an example of ninjas in the tourism industry of Hawaii:

Ninjas have invaded Honolulu. They're here to fight myths and promote tourism to the Japanese city known for the ancient art of Ninjutsu.

With a soundtrack for their fight scenes, the group known as the Ashura Ninja Clan performed the way we've seen them in the movies.
And clearly the audience from Central Union Preschool was entertained.
Ninjas are highly trained but they don't really walk around in these black outfits.
They prefer to blend in to get information. They're not hired assassins, more like bodyguards for important people like royalty.

Funny T-Shirts

2009-02-13T11:08:00.002-05:00

There are so many funny t-shirts out there it becomes impossible to sort them out. I'm starting a new venture in which the best t-shirts will be featured on a blog. Already I've found some great new designs on Cafepress. More to come soon, but if you're looking for a funny t-shirt online, check out this "Find Funny T-shirts" blog!

Michael Phelps Marijuana T-Shirt

2009-02-08T01:12:00.006-05:00

Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion, was caught taking hits from a bong. He was then dragged through the media gauntlet, endured the humiliation of apologizing to America, and then lost several million dollar sponsorships.

That's messed up. Let him unwind how he wants, and as long as he's not walking around telling everyone to smoke weed, then all you haters need to chill. Your judgmental overreactions have done more to spread the idea that smoking is cool than if you had just let it go. Let Michael Be Michael, man! This is a free country, and how else is a dude supposed to eat 8,000 calories a day?

Support our homegrown Olympic hero, Wear this shirt with pride to your local party or gathering of enlightened beings.

Hillary Clinton's Ninjas

2009-01-25T23:26:00.003-05:00

You know the ninja phenomenon is rampant when an esteemed news source such as The Guardian refers to political operatives in the new Clinton Department of State as "ninjas."

Here's the quote:

Already, some Obama campaign advisers have complained about the number of former Clinton administration insiders Hillary is bringing with her to the state department's offices. Some are political fixers from her "Hillaryland" inner circle ("Her ninjas," quips one foreign policy professional). Others are seasoned diplomats from her husband's administration

This blog will give $100 to Hillary's election campaign in 2012 if she personally uses the term "ninja" in the next year.

Phillies Spring Training

2009-01-25T23:00:00.004-05:00

Philly.com has a great article about the Phillies Spring Training in Clearwater, Florida. As the reigning World Champions, and as the only World Phucking Champions on Earth, the 2009 Philadelphia Phillies are sure to have a auspicious start. I'm sure we'll be seeing lots of these WFC t-shirts in sunny Clearwater, worn by diehards still inspired by the team that brought athletic glory to a city sorely in need of it.

When it comes to preseason baseball, Philadelphians are the luckiest of fans.

Clearwater, with its white-sand beaches, its Gulf waters and technicolor sunsets, its drinking and dining options, its golf courses and its proximity to major attractions like Disney World, is unsurpassed as a spring baseball destination.

Since 1948, the Phils have trained here, playing their games first at Jack Russell Stadium and, since 2004, at spiffy Bright House. Only the Detroit Tigers, in Lakeland since 1947, have been in one spot longer.

"Clearwater, boys, is a little like heaven on Earth," the late Richie Ashburn, who came here for 49 winters, used to counsel young players during his annual spring-training address.

This year, the defending world champions figure to lure more supporters than ever. Fans, still glowing from the team's World Series triumph, can watch lazy morning workouts, troll for autographs near the players' parking lots, sunbathe and attend games simultaneously, and maybe even get to talk to a player or two.
(Warning: Don't bother players while they're practicing. That's a surefire way to gain a reputation as a "green fly," baseball talk for a pest, or perhaps even get ejected.)

Trash Talking Arizona Cardinals

2009-01-25T16:08:00.008-05:00

<---click image to enlarge

Ninja ornithologists have come across a little-known species of cardinal, cataloged alongside the usual, pretty seed-eaters. This species is considered an invasive kind, feeding on red meat and Miller Genuine Draft. Often seen circling The University of Phoenix Stadium in Arizona, this avian mutant has even been known to take down larger birds of prey including Eagles and Falcons. There is even a report in the scientific literature of this species, Cardinalis campeonatus, bringing down a Carolina Panther.

Normally considered a mild-mannered bird, at least in comparison to, say, an Eagle or Falcon, this species of Arizona Cardinal is a bit of an aberration. Only discovered in 2008, scientists are scrambling to track this bird in an effort to better predict its behavior. Apparently large flocks have begun an unusual migration towards the Tampa Bay area.

Seen here in this ornithological sketch, the "Champion Arizona Cardinal" as it is colloquially named, sings gleefully:

*chirp*

What's up now, bitches?

*chirp*

The Champion Arizona Cardinal should never be underestimated nor dismissed, and it is always a potentially aggressive predator. Small children should be kept away from the male variety on Sundays, or at least their ears should be plugged while the cardinal sings its lovely birdsong, coincidentally sounding like an offensive boast to human ears. T-shirts may help mitigate anxiety and bring a sense of well-being.