In the opening scene, Ramsay confronts Granny, “I’m here because you’re kitchen is going under, Granny, and with it your reputation. You need me to make sure your grandchildren don’t continue to hate you right through your remaining, culinarily disastrous years!”

In another scene currently burning up the YouTubes, Ramsay takes issue with Granny’s specialty.

“You call this Meatloaf? God, Granny, Wake UP! This is putrid!” He then slammed the foul meat cake on the table, ruining the tablecloth that had been hand sewn 40 years before. “F**ck off.” added Ramsay.

Ramsay, who is also the executive producer, explains the driving force behind the show. “For years, people have been romanticizing the food cooked by their dear old grannies, thereby propagating a culture of bad food by bad cooks with bad hips. We’re here to change all that. We’re going to make granny into a real cook.”

When asked to comment, Granny Gunderson replies, “Oh my. I mean, oh dear. It’s just  . . . Gosh. He’s really a dick.”

Other episodes include a nice Jewish Grandmother who gets beaned with her own matza balls, and a grandmother from Wisconsin who is berated for her “vomitous” cheese soup to the point of heart attack. Critics are calling it the “most realistic and gripping episode of a highly abusive cooking show in years.” The Attorney General, responding to complaints from the AARP, calls the show “worth investigating” and “surprisingly entertaining.”

Plans for future Ramsay helmed programs include a children’s cooking show titled, “Kitchen Time-Out” and a show on homeless cooks called, “That’s Garbage!”

**

About the Writer

Homemaker Man is the bastard child of an old hippy and a giant roll of math class scratch paper. He blogs about things and stuff. Once or twice he had kids. He convinced his wife to marry him by “using mind control drugs.” he also does not understand where or how to use quotation marks. You can avoid him here.

Collinstown, Tennessee — Jennifer Hansen sits on her porch reflecting on the maelstrom that has gripped Samuel Smalley Elementary School in Collinstown in a dramatic and unexpected way.

“I got the idea from ‘Pay It Forward’ ” said Hansen, known simply as Mrs. Hansen to her students, “Every year, I ask my students to do something that will change the world.  I don’t actually expect them to do anything.  Maybe clean up a park or something.”  Hansen sighs, “That’s a line from the movie, I didn’t make that up.”

Class projects in the past have included average eight year old inspired activism like packaging food for starving children in Astoria, spraying homeless people in downtown with Glade potpourri, and giving their mom’s coupons for free hugs.

This year, however, Pradeep Mehta, an unusually articulate eight year old, decided to get serious about the assignment.

“It was my general observation,” Mehta stated, “that the parameters for activism were severely curtailed due to an inadequate assessment of the proper avenues for dissemination of information.  By utilizing various parameters of social media, we, as Mrs. Hansen’s illustrious third grade class, have embarked upon a new phase of activism.”

Pradeep’s best friend, Jay Goodwin, leans forward and whispers, “He means we decided to use the Internet and Facebook which works way better for getting people to do stuff.”

Two months ago, Mrs. Hansen’s class launched a Facebook community page called “Broccoli is sucktastic and makes your poo smell funny.”  It may not be hard to imagine, given the grains of truth in the title, that this page currently boasts 135, 000 “Likes.”

“Our message here is simple,” Mehta continues in a tone whose demeanor channels a shelved character from a yet to be published George Orwell novel, “Broccoli is gastronomically untenable for many people but has surreptitiously been marketed to adult caregivers in a way that undermines this egregious aspect of its consumption. The resulting situation is that minors must endure and suffer because of the inattention of their caregivers and the nefarious ploys of broccoli industry magnates.”

Goodwin adds, “Pretty much he’s saying that broccoli’s gross, makes our poo smell and it’s bullcrap that our parents make us eat it.”

The activism of Hansen’s third grade class is not without negative repercussions, though.  The Center for A More Positive Broccoli Understanding in Today (CAMPBUT) has launched complaints with the principal of S.S. Elementary School as well as demanded that Facebook take down the page based on it being both offensive and libelous.

“Broccoli is not gross has never been gross, and the idea of it being gross is just offensive.  Besides, with enough ranch dip, a shoe is delicious, don’t they have ranch dip in Tennessee?” A visibly irate lobbyist for CAMPBUT emphasized, “Besides, what kind of poo does NOT smell funny?!”

Facebook has refused to remove the page on the basis that the community page is not so much offensive as much as it is simply a statement of preference.  “Third graders have a right to be heard, too, you know,” a representative said, “and, seriously, broccoli is kind of gross.”

Photo courtesy of Chane.com

Massengill is preparing to launch the new line of feminine fragrances with a series of Clean Cooter Classes around the country where company representatives will demonstrate the difference between a stinky vag and a fresh one, followed up by a refreshing vaginal irrigation with your choice of douche flavors.

When asked how she felt about the new line of douche scents, focus group participant, Ima Doosh said, “For the record, my vajayjay is super fresh. But for those unfortunate ladies who have stank coochies, I think these new flavors will be highly appealing.”

Massengill has approached Jennifer Love Hewitt to be the celebrity spokesvagina for the new campaign.  Love Hewitt, who regularly vajazzles her “precious lady” with gems and stickers until it shines like a disco ball, is very excited about the new Massengill products. “I thought my vajajay was blinged out before, but with these alluring new aromas, my cooter is going to be living large.”

And the ways children try to get out of being educated are changing as well.

Example: Physical Education.

Rarely will a seasoned middle-school teacher accept “It’s my time of the month” or “I forgot my sneakers” as an excuse from gym class. However, with Google and Wikipedia at their fingertips, kids these days have a plethora of newfangled ways to catch teachers offsides and get out of dodge ball.

Here are the new top ten ways Johnny and Janey are putting one over:

“In light of recent MRSA outbreaks, my mom is requesting a letter from the school describing the gym mat disinfection procedures. I’m not supposed to participate until she gets it.”

“My polycystic ovaries are acting up.”

“My GIEP objectives and goals require that I participate in either polo or mountaineering. Since the school district in unable to accommodate my education needs, I’m allowed to just sit in the bleachers and read manga books.”

“I have a diagnosed sensory disorder which causes me to feel anxious around sphere-shaped projectiles and the smell of sweat.”

“I feel emotionally bullied by the advanced puberty and musculature of the other kids here, as well as their attempts to intimidate me via the implied threat of their physical status-power during dodge ball.”

“I had a session with my Reiki practitioner yesterday and she said for the next 24 hours I’m not suppose to let anything harsh my mellow.”

“I accidentally wore my toning sneakers instead of my cross trainers.”

“I didn’t eat the correct carb-to-protein ratio during lunch. My glycogen levels are off, so I’ll fatigue easily.”

“I found photos of you online. From when you were in college. Smoking something that’s not a cigarette. Just give me an A right now, and the photos will never make it to Facebook.”

“I have a life-threatening nylon allergy.”

Photo Credit

Moser was shocked when she received her October Visa bill and saw a $27,829 charge from Amazon.com.

“Gosh! I was surprised.” Linda had taken a liking to the AmazonLocal deals that the website was e-mailing her every day.

“It seemed fantastic. Me and Scott haven’t eaten a full priced meal since September.” But the eight dollars here and the twenty five dollars there added up quickly when Moser began buying the deals in bulk for holiday gifts.

Unbeknownst to Linda or her husband, Scott Moser, the algorithms know when a customer shows interest and automatically sends out more deals. Linda was up to twenty e-mails a day by the time she realized what had happened.

“They had her pegged,” says Mr. Moser “but I didn’t care much because she kept buying me rounds of golf and she got us a new lawn service and people that come in and clean the house once a week. I’ve never been so relaxed. October was the best month of my life.”

Moser says that his wife has always loved a good deal and even though the bill came as a huge shock to them, the Mosers are keeping a positive outlook. “We’re going to have to cut way back on our spending to pay off this bill, but that’s okay. We have plenty of new books to read and I still have a suitcase full of coupons for Applebees.”

If that doesn’t work, they say that they’ll have a yard sale.

photo credit

It was an American tragedy. One that started on a sunny afternoon in an Illinois suburb, when Joe Caston, 34, offered a cold Budweiser to his childhood friend Arnold Mozilo and put on some classic soft rock. At that moment, Caston couldn’t have known that “Keep On Loving You” would be the last thing he would ever hear as Mozilo’s thumbs brutally crushed his windpipe.

If Caston had read the latest studies, though he would have known that he was playing with fire.

“An easily avoidable – and regrettably common – incident,” claims violence expert Dr. Joanna Garcia. “Often one person will insist on playing some incredibly annoying music despite the objections of another party, and after a certain point is reached, the other party will snap and enter a state of homicidal rage.”

“Once that state is entered,” Dr. Garcia continued, “it’s nearly impossible to stop the cycle. For reasons we have yet to discover, REO Speedwagon’s adult contemporary rock stylings and insipid vocals trigger that rage response more than Foreigner, Air Supply, or even Starship.”

“Hey, can you shut that shit off?” a visibly agitated Garcia shouted at her colleague.

Mozilo, 32, has only a hazy recall of the experience.

“I don’t know what happened,” he confesses. “Their greatest hits album had just finished playing, and I was about to suggest something like Alice In Chains or whatever. But then Joe went and got Hi Infidelity from the basement. He told me that the second side of the album was underappreciated, but that was where Kevin Cronin’s vocals really shone. I remember the first few seconds of ‘Tough Guys,’ and then –”

Mozilo broke off, fighting back tears.

“And then I came to with my hands around Joe’s neck. ‘Tough Guys’ was still playing.”

Mozilo is expected to use the “Take It On The Run” defense, coined after the nationwide spate of murders that accompanied REO Speedwagon’s 1990 release The Earth, a Small Man, His Dog and a Chicken.

“Holy crap, did that album suck,” said Garcia. “We will never get through the homicides that one caused. Never.”

Image credit Alan Cleaver on flickr

The new venture, called The Humiliation Channel (THC), will feature vulnerable, often desperate people placed in situations specifically engineered to “fast track them to the spectacular personal disasters on the brink of which their lives have always been teetering.”

When asked how the new channel would differ from traditional reality TV, Mediaplex director of programming Megan Grindstone said, “Up to this point, most shows have had a premise that involved some chance of redemption or even triumph.  While that kind of classic drama has its place, our focus groups have shown that the majority of viewers watch to see losers wallow in shame as they hurt themselves and people around them.”  She continued, “It makes them feel better about their own lives.”

New York Review of Books media critic Dwight Brighton said of this twist on reality programming, “To call it ‘emotional pornography’ is an insult to the pornography industry.  It’s more like psychic snuff cinema.  Once they find the ‘stars’ of these shows, all they have to do is place them in an environment conducive to their self-destruction and let the cameras roll.”

Wall Street, however,  seemed to have no qualms with the moral aspects of the venture, as Mediaplex’s stock rose 32 percent on news of the launch.

Although the full lineup of the first season of the Humiliation Channel has not been finalized, Grindstone released descriptions of a few of the shows that are in development.  “Crash and Burn” places hopeful yet untalented participants into situations where they are guaranteed to fail and suffer emotional and physical pain on an epic scale.  “I Hate My Kids” features difficult children, terrible parents, and regular appearances by CPS.  “Malpractice” sets up doctors with checkered pasts and shaky credentials in group practices and opens the doors to an unsuspecting public.  And finally, “Junkie Business” is similar to the popular “Celebrity Rehab”, except that instead of rehabilitation, the addicts are offered unlimited access to their substances of choice.

Spotted on page 2 of the  UNC-Chapel Hill newspaper, The Daily Tarheel…

“Someone publicly urinated at 112 E. Franklin  St. between 2:40 a.m. and 3:21 a.m. Sunday, according to Chapel Hill police reports.”

Some bladder.

—

Submitted by Peter A. Coclanis

"The kid might as well be wearing a remote detonator bomb," his father said.

Savannah, Georgia–Theodore Janx, 11 weeks old, has not moved his bowels since December 17, according to his parents, Renee and Harlon Janx of 15 Chickapee Lane.

“He doesn’t even seem that constipated,” his mother said. “Except that every now and then he’ll ball up his fists and make a face like he’s trying to suck his mouth up into his nose. And then usually he’ll let out a ripping fart. But no poop.” She says she is flummoxed, as she breastfeeds him at least 10 times a day. “I just don’t know where it goes,” she said, wiping away tears.

Renee Janx has even taken to “double-diapering” her son in the hopes of containing what she believes will be an explosive event. “Sometimes if he doesn’t go for two or three days it shoots right through his onesie and out of his pants,” she said. “I half expect this one to take out the whole neighborhood in a big, yellow mushroom cloud.”

The boy’s father, however, remains in good spirits. “I’m just excited to see the show when it finally happens,” he said. “My brother has a wedding coming up in February, and part of me hopes Theo’ll wait it out til then, and time it with the ‘I dos.’ But my Fantasy Football league started a pool on when the kid will finally shit, and I picked January 13. So that would work, too.”

“The performance is really disappointing. This thing hasn’t replaced a single word in one of my texts with anything that’s crude or even mildly suggestive,” said Kellen Chandler, 26, owner of the phone. “I paid a lot of money with the expectation that on a regular basis I’d be inadvertently sending awkward, sexually-loaded messages to family members and close friends that I’d have to immediately respond to with embarrassed apologies, but it just hasn’t happened.”

Particularly galling to Chandler is the fact that he has composed a number of texts with the sole intent of engaging the phone’s Kathy Griffin-like vocabulary to no avail.

“For example, one day I sent this completely nonsensical message to my mom: hey, come over and I’ll bloe a load of my hot mand fizz all over yore luscious tilts,” explained Chandler. “I mean, that’s Damn You Auto Correct! gold, right?”

“So I check my phone a couple minutes later fully anticipating a cheek-reddening reply from my poor, bewildered mother but instead find that the phone substituted with ‘hey, come over and I’ll bake a loaf of my hot ham bliss to go with your delicious grits.’ It’s like a fucking Hallmark moment.”

Chandler attempted to exchange his iPhone for a more vulgar model at the Radio Shack where he purchased the popular Apple product, but management explained that a non-offensive autocorrect isn’t expressly covered by warranty, even when sending blatantly contrived texts.

Image Credit