Inside People's Houses

Moving Again?

2015-10-15T09:24:00.004-06:00

Honey, we're moving again? You've got job applications out all over the country? I'm going to start looking again, then. This time we'll find the perfect nest for our family.

For Sale: Idiocy

2012-06-09T13:30:00.001-06:00

There is something Escher-esque about this place. I can't quite tell what it is, but something makes the atmosphere in here seem like I might fall over for no reason at all. Is it the leopard-print light globes? No, it is not. It's not the countertops, either. It's something else. It's strange, the ambiance in here. The den seems simultaneously lifted and yet strangely shallow, as if the ceilings were designed with short people in mind. In fact, the more I look at it, it seems as if I would whang my head into the ceiling over there by the fireplace. The whirring ceiling fan looks like it could chop my head off! Why'd they hang it so low?

Ohh, my gosh. Oh, oh oh. Oh my goodness. Good heavens. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? It's not that the ceiling fan is low. It's that the fireplace is high. Is that...is that a floating fireplace? What the heck is up with that? Who wants a fireplace hearth floating 12 inches off the floor? Who wants a fireplace mantel that is as high as the tops of the windows? What the hell is this?

Honey, I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that this house will still be standing unsold a year from now. That floating fireplace is the stupidest looking thing I've seen in a long time. WHY would they do this? I'm thinking the workmen did it wrong and the builder just rubbed his forehead and said, "Someone will buy it. Someone will confuse this mistake with innovation and buy the house anyway." And he may be right. But seriously. Okay, so, now the homeowner has to vacuum under this thing. Also, if there's a toddler in the family, the parents must purchase double the number of hearth bumpers. Thirdly, people are going to try to sit on that. Do you think that thing is strong enough to support the weight of people? It's going to rip right off of the wall, and then the fireplace will look even stupider, probably. What a bad, bad mistake this is.

I'm passing on this house, honey. It is definitely off the list. And every time we drive by it, from now until the end of time, I will wonder about who's living in that house and what they think of this stupid hearth.

For Sale in Summertime: Fabulous Chandeliers

2012-06-08T14:55:00.000-06:00

Darling, sometimes a woman just wants something ~special~ in her house. Something to make it more magnificent, you know? I know we're not made of money. I'm not asking for the Taj Mahal. But some special touches could be nice. Like, have a look at this room, honey. The furniture is average--unusually informal for a formal dining room, in fact--but there's something else, some decor element that really kicks it up a notch despite the pipe-and-velour chairs. It's the chandelier. See how that really adds some flair? And look at that white carpet. One doesn't commit to white carpet unless one knows she is planning on keeping the place pristine. I can keep a house pristine. Shut up.

Anyway, I was thinking, the lady who has put this place up for sale really recognized something awesome in that chandelier, because she has one in the formal den, too. All the furniture in here is lovely and funky. Kind of sad that formal dens are going the way of the Dodo. That chandelier is like the ice cubes in the bourbon, isn't it? I think I love these chandeliers. And white carpet in here, too. I wonder how pristine the dog's paws are after he comes in from the yard. Well, the carpets are probably scotch-guarded, right?

Wow. Yes, I admit it: I'm surprised by this. A crystal chandelier in the kitchen nook? And with gold accents, too. That really is a bit decadent, isn't it? Hmm. Yes, I agree, honey. That might be one chandelier too many. Sure, sure. If we buy this house, you can take that one down.

Oh, for crying out loud. A chandelier in the bedroom? Well, it looks like it was a child's bedroom. Little girls often love that frilly, princessy stuff. I mean, she was probably so enamored by the chandeliers in the common rooms that she begged for one for in here. We'll ask our child if she wants it. If not, by all means, take it down. It has just occurred to me that someone has to dust these things and that someone is me. The fewer intricate glass chandeliers I have to dust, the better. Plus, how much illumination did this child need? I spy a bedside lamp AND sconces. Are those real sconces with real wax candles in them? I hope the little dear was never allowed to light those.

All right. This is. It's just. Yes. Take it down. In fact, I'm starting to think I want them all to come down. If we make an offer on the house, maybe we should suggest the owner take these with her. I'm starting to think she must be a Chandelier-Maker's Daughter and these things must have sentimental value to her or something.

No, honey, there were no shots of the light fixtures in the bathrooms or kitchen.

For Sale at Christmastime: Terrifying Fireplace

2011-12-06T08:00:00.000-06:00

OH NO! What HAPPENED here? This gives me the heebie-jeebies. What on earth has been incinerated here? It looks like cobwebs but also kind of like someone smashed Grandpa's urn here. Or maybe a whole bunch of Grandpas. It would take more than one broken urn to leave that much dust. I'll tell you what, though. If I were Santa, I'd just skip this place. I wouldn't want to land in that.

For Sale at Christmastime: A New Angle on Life

2011-12-01T08:00:00.001-06:00

This house will really change things for us, honey. I can tell. Here, perch on this dining room chair with me. Wait, I want to shove it into the corner first. Now, isn't that a beautiful view of the den? It's the same view the realtor captured in the photos. I could just stand on this chair in this corner for the rest of our lives.

Come on over here, sweetie. Crouch on the floor behind this potted plant with me and look back over there, where we were. Just think. If this was our home, we could play this little game all day. I'll stand on the chair in the corner and you crouch behind this plant. Oh, you're right. The furniture won't convey. Well, that's okay. We'll have our own furniture and potted plants to climb on and crouch behind.

Look, a hall bathroom! No, I don't want to see inside of the room. Just knowing it exists is enough. I glimpse a toilet. I'm sure it's fine. If there was anything worth seeing in there, the realtor would have photographed it. Right?

Baby, you can't even imagine the way we're going to contort in order to see our new stairwell from this angle. I'm sure if the realtor could do it, we can too. No, I don't know how to levitate. Shut up; there's got to be a way. Maybe she was balancing on the railing. What? You think her body falling from the railing is probably what caused all that cracking on the floor below? Don't be silly. That tile is done that way on purpose, and if she'd fallen and broken all the bones in her body there's no way she'd have had the willpower to upload all these photos.

And yes, it does seem like a lot of doors and doorways all crammed into one four-foot-square area, now that you mention it.

What a beautiful yard. I think she must have been dangling from the DirecTV satellite. Here, hold my purse; I'm going to try it. What? Let go of me. Oh, shoot. The window-screen is screwed in place. Nevermind. She must have scaled up the outside of the house to get the shot.

No, I don't want to go out into the yard to squat by the air conditioner. It might charge at me. Look at its little cup-legs! I wonder if it is related to R2D2. R2D2 was pretty sensible, wasn't he? If so, that bodes well for this air conditioner.

Final verdict: It's a nice place, honey. I like it. We'd have to repaint some rooms, purchase a tiny palm tree for the den, and possibly never use the bathrooms, but I like it. Put it on the list!

For Sale at Thanksgiving: We Could Make a Life Here

2011-11-17T08:00:00.000-06:00

Yeah, man. This is the pad. I mean, the rent is right. Bill used to live in this house, but he's gone now, off adjuncting somewhere, but I'm still here and the Graduate Teaching Assistantship pays the bills, yanowhatimean. Well, my paycheck combined with Susan's, that is.

Yep, this is the place. I can't wait to move my stuff in to this room and start really creating. Look at this space! It's inspiring. Those little windows are awesome. One opens up into nothing--just a piece of board with some cloth hanging over it--and the other one opens into the kitchen. Like a pass-through. Speaking of passing, can you pass that back to me? Thanks.

Check it: that's my hat. When I wear that hat and shuffle around this house with a whiskey and water in my hand, I get the sensation, you know? The spirit of the writer. Susan insisted on those bedside tables. They're nice, though.

Here's the kitchen. Susan's always saying the cabinets are too low and she can't see what she's doing when she's trying to make things on the countertop. Hey, nothing's perfect, right? And it's not like she's cooking anything complex; I mean, how closely do you have to examine a kale salad? You just throw the stuff in the bowl, really.

Hey, maybe you can settle this debate. Do you think that used to be a window, there, in between the other two windows? Susan says yes, but I think it was an artistic choice to design the wall that way.

And yes, the piece de resistance: look at this yard. Can you imagine the parties we'll have out here? I have real visions for this piece of land. I'm going to fix up those little toolsheds and rake and get everything set up just perfectly.

Final Verdict: Honey, remember grad school? It all came back a little too vividly when I looked at the pictures of this house. Let's mark it off the list.

For Sale at Thanksgiving: Let's Feast

2011-11-16T08:00:00.000-06:00

Perch here with your loved one and enjoy the festivities of the season. Pinch your plastic cup between your knees as you balance an overloaded paper plate of... Oh, come on; let's stop pretending. You're alone. You don't even have a table. There's nobody perched in that chair next to you and you're eating a Lean Cuisine. It's that time of the year again. Gobble, gobble, blah.

But all hope is not lost. Put your TV dinner on the empty chair next to you, go into the kitchen and use the can opener to pry the lid from some discount kitty food. Slop it into the cat's bowl, and voila! Instant holiday companionship.

For Sale at Thanksgiving: Who's Bringing the Wine?

2011-11-15T08:00:00.000-06:00

Yes, please. Have you ever seen such striking carpet? That color is called "Wine," I believe. I enjoy guzzling wine, but I usually choose white because after I get sloppy and spill wine all over the rug, nobody notices. This would allow me to drink Merlot and slosh it all over the place if I wanted to. I like that idea. Combine that carpet with the filigree iron curlicues and I'm in love. But only if the sunburst clock conveys.

Oh, there's more? Now, some of this doesn't work for me. When I get sloppy on Merlot, I don't know if I want to try to monkey with all these light fixtures. Just give me one choice and BAM on comes the light. Here I've got a pole lamp with little lanterns (3 switches, I presume, from which to choose), a table lamp, an overhead fan with three light bulbs but two pull-cords and you just know I'm going to pull the wrong one and have to get all flustered by that when the fan starts turning. Then there's the entryway light.

And then, once I get all the lights on, I'll see myself reflected about ten-thousand times in all those mirrors. But only from the chin down. Then someone'll come swinging in through those saloon doors and I'm just going to be overcome by the absurdity of it all and spill wine all over the rug while I bust out laughing.

Final Verdict: This place would really bring out the alcoholic in me, Honey. I don't know if that's what we really want in this stage of our marriage. Let's mark it off the list.

For Sale at Halloween: Window to Another Universe

2011-10-31T08:00:00.000-06:00

Do you like ghostly apparitions? You'll see an apparition of yourself and every entering houseguest in this foggy, golden-streaked portal to the otherworld. Just imagine: in this universe you're fumbling with your keys...and in their universe, your mirror-image doppelganger is also fumbling with the keys. It's kind of mind-blowing, isn't it?

For Sale in Arkansas: Conversation Pieces

2011-08-21T19:03:00.003-06:00

Buyers! These dramatic stairs are a conversation piece! Just think of the conversations you'll be having with yourself when your little dog refuses to come in at night after his potty break. You'll be saying all sorts of words while you tumble down these stairs in the darkness in your quest to bring him back in.

When you're lying at the bottom, with a broken leg and no cellphone because it's recharging in the kitchen, you can look up at the house and holler for your wife. She'll be irritated that you're taking so long to find the dog, but she won't come out looking for you for at least 30 minutes. Even then, she'll just crack the back door open and yell out into the darkness, demanding to know what's taking so long. Then, when she hears your anguished cries, she'll come down the stairs carefully and scold you for getting injured. That's how it works, you know. This will be your view as you watch her angelic form descending the deadly stairs.

Weeks later, after you've put this house with all it's bone-breaking memories up for sale, you'll be looking for properties in adjacent neighborhoods and you'll find this:

That's a giant rock. A rock in the rec room. Now THAT's a conversation piece.

For Sale in Arkansas: House full of Furniture that Seems Alive

2011-08-19T13:52:00.001-06:00

This property starts off innocuous enough. Look at this perfectly normal kitchen. Aside from the tiled countertops--which I strenuously dislike--it's just fine.

But then, look! Look in the next room! Do you see them? What do you mean you don't see them? There are four of them, right there!

RIGHT. THERE. Looming in between the windows! Okay, wait. Yes, you're right. Those are curtains. I swear, they look just like those crazy black ghosts that are trying to eat Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies. You have to forgive me. There are so many unusual shapes in this room; I was befuddled. Look at the drapey, extra-long red velvety tablecloth on that table to the left. What's it hiding under that long skirt? And those wooden chairs to each side of the fireplace. They're so curvy that they seem like they're undulating. And the glistening stripes on the couch go without me needing to point them out.

Plus, that plant in the left-hand corner looks like dozens of fingery hands. This room is creeping me out. Here's another shot of the room:

In this one you can see that the undulating wooden chairs have some sort of pattern on them. I like that. It makes them even more unusual. And the coffee table! Look at that coffee table. It and the hearth have long talks at night. The hearth brings the atmosphere and the coffee table brings the booze.

Faux finishing on the walls and more aggressive drapes. Y'all know I love that crazy mess. I'm captivated by the big black and silver jug on the table. After leaving that other room, that jug looks a little suspect to me. I want to know what's in it, if anything. I mean, I know they usually display these things empty, but like I said, I'm suspect. I think a genie is in it.

These people really like shapes, don't they? Look at the shapes in those chairs, and the shapes all over the drapes and the jug itself. I feel kind of like I'm hallucinating. The chandelier with the pretend-candle lights is entirely glorious. I love gold-colored stuff in houses--doorknobs, etc--and this chandelier is just up my alley.

These drapes look friendly and Santa-Claus-ish, but they're also long and full enough for someone to hide inside of. What's most interesting about this room is the ceiling. Look up there at it! It seems to be faux-painted in reds and greens! Incidentally, that little glass-topped table looks like it's about to walk away on its nice thick legs.

Now this is gorgeous. Gorgeous! I would love to sit up here and look down at that beautiful garden area. Yep, I'd sit up here and drink my afternoon bottle of wine and next thing you know I'd roll right off of that bench that has no back and no rails around it. Crash! Right into the foliage.

Why you'd need to put one mirror against another mirror is a little beyond me, but since the imposing mirror has a nice heavy ornate gold frame, I find it acceptable. Pleasing even. And look at the fixtures. They're gold! I love them. And the picture frame in the background But look, look: WHAT IS THAT? You see it, don't you? What is that urn-thingie in the background? Why is there an urn in the bathroom? That kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Okay, that's it. I firmly believe that a grown-up goth lives here. You know the kind. She's totally not really a sad goth anymore but out of a kind of permanent nostalgia for her youth she dyes her hair a little darker than natural and wears maroon lipstick that's almost black, and her children bring their unusual pets for show-and-tell at your kid's school. Her. That's who lives here.

Final Verdict: Honey, I couldn't even examine the house. I was too mesmerized by the stuff in it. Almost all of her furniture looks like it could come to life and walk away if it wanted to.

For Sale in Arkansas: The House of Weird Photos

2011-08-18T21:13:00.002-06:00

Hi! Are you thinking about buying this house? Here's what you'll see when you open the front door, but only if you open it just a little bit, like you're kind of timid and you don't want the water man to see what-all's going on inside your den.

This spacious den features an assortment of small tables and one orange chair.

Do you know what that orange chair is for?

It's for sitting all alone in the den and watching your family while they gather round the kitchen table and enjoy each others' company. Look at 'em there, sitting in their cool zebra-print dining chairs, smiling and chatting and eating their dinners like all is right in the world. Slouch back into your orange chair just a little bit more, and splay your legs out in front of you across the white area rug. Clink the ice in your bourbon a little bit and narrow your eyes. Smoking is optional.

OKAY, okay, I'l be fair: it's probable that these people had already moved their sofas out of the house for some reason and had to stage the room the best they could with just this one orange chair. But...it's odd. I love the orange paint in the dining area (it's very hard to find a nice orange paint, and orange is my favorite color so I'd know) and the house overall is lovely.

Final Verdict: I'll make an offer if both the orange chair and the zebra dining set convey.

For Sale in Arkansas: Spanish Fortress

2011-08-18T20:58:00.003-06:00

This house looks like a lovely Spanish villa and a bank got together and had a baby.

Yes, I'm teasing this house. But can you deny that this looks like an architectural love child between Penelope Cruz and a bank? You can't. Anyway, all it really needs is better landscaping and it wouldn't look so much like a bank. See? In this up-close pic you can tell the house is actually very nice-looking:

If you can believe it, this house is ONLY GETTING BETTER. Sure, the outside might not woo me, but INSIDE? Inside is a trove of wonders. Check out this office:

Are you seeing this? Are you seeing it? I mean, look at that room. First, it's got the faux finish all over the place. And then it's got arches near the ceiling, and the floor is the precise color and finish as the faux finish all over the walls...the only thing that could make this better is if the ceiling were also faux finished. I want the whole room to be like a big suede jewelry box, and I'm in it!

And scroll back up and look at that LAMP! It's one of those floor lamps that reaches out across the room and this one has little nubby orange light bulbs in it. There's also some kind of brown stripper pole looking thing in that room. Before I make an offer on this house, I have to make sure the lamp conveys.

Those windows are wonderful, but your maid is going to need a jet pack to get up there to clean them. So, just keep that in mind.

Now, look at this!

There's a cast-iron wood-burning stove with a long, long, long stovepipe. So long as to be, in my humble opinion, comical. And for crying out loud people, turn the television off before you take these realty photos! Spongebob isn't really adding to the ambiance.

Final Verdict: This house needs too much landscaping on the outside (for my tastes) and although it has that wonderful weird tan suede room, it's not the one for me. Scratch it off the list.

For Sale in Arkansas: Simulate Your Own Hibachi

2011-08-18T20:44:00.001-06:00

This kitchen is really not totally sufficient for the hibachi-like experience I think they're trying to capture, because although they've got the seating right, the actual hibachi is missing. Oh well.

But really: bar seating for eight? And those look like good quality chairs, too. I'm picturing some harried mom in here in the mornings trying to slop milk into eight cereal bowls while kids climb all over those chairs like mice on a wheel in the pet store.

Final Verdict: Dear God, please never put me in a position in life where I need to seat eight people at my breakfast bar on a regular basis.

For Sale in Arkansas: Magnificent Black Bathroom

2011-08-18T14:41:00.001-06:00

I feel absolutely delirious from this one. It's remarkable and I love it.

Look at that wallpaper! Not only is the base color black--very daring--but the pattern is absolutely dazzling. It's almost impossible to focus your eyes when you look at it. In fact, it kind of looks like someone mis-used the clone tool all over it.

And these people went all the way with this bathroom, too. The black toilet, the black pedestal sink--it's all over-the-top. It's so delightfully tacky that it shoots all the way PAST tacky and becomes something that I desperately love. The only things that could have made this bathroom more amazing would be if the baseboard was also painted black and if the mirror had a heavy-looking, opulent, golden picture-frame around it. And I guess the floor should also be black. Or gold.

Final Verdict: Honey, I covet this bathroom. Be prepared for the day that I whip out this picture and demand you replicate it this look in our own home.

For Sale in Arkansas: Wallpaper

2011-08-18T14:32:00.003-06:00

We don't need to see the rest of the house. It doesn't matter. What matters is this wallpaper. No, no --hush. You misunderstand me. I ~love~ the wallpaper. I'm not one of those modern women who shuns wallpaper. I love looking at mesmerizing patterns.

Final Verdict: Honey, believe it or not you don't have to paint over this.

For Sale in Arkansas: House with Adorable Nursery

2011-08-18T14:26:00.004-06:00

This place has got some lovely decor. I'm serious. The people who live here have "an eye," as they say.

I mean, look at this child's room. It looks like it came from a magazine:

Here's a nicely done kitchen. Only if the washboard conveys! If you don't make a legal commitment to leave it behind, we're walking away from this deal.

Here's what Husband and I refer to as a "Proclamation Deck." Husband is always on the lookout for a good proclamation deck when he's shopping for properties. From up there, he could stand and address his people, who would, of course, all be gathered below, in rapt attention.

Final verdict: I'd put it on the list, as long as they leave the washboard and everything in the nursery. I don't care that the nursery is full of memories that the homeowners would probably like to take with them, and that I no longer have an infant. That nursery is perfect and should be left intact.

For Sale in Arkansas: The Island of Dr. Moreau

2011-08-18T14:22:00.004-06:00

There's really only one thing "wrong" with this place, and the front of the building is NOT it.

Sure it's got a little bit of an unusual look to it, but it's okay. I thought at first that it was a giant corrugated tin building, which would have been a Very Bad Thing, but this seems to be some sort of wood siding, painted dark green. The shape of the building is a little unusual, but it has character.

But here, in this closer shot of the front door, you may be able to detect the "problem" with this property--the problem that led me to name it The Island of Dr. Moreau:

Do you see all the metal bars across the whole door area? Here, from the inside, the problem is overwhelming:

I am absolutely confident I'd feel imprisoned in that room. I'd feel like a caged bird, seriously, folks. Seriously. Why all the bars? I mean, has anyone seen the Dr. Moreau movie lately? The buildings look similar to this. What is running wild on this property that warrants all this security? I'd say zombies, but we all know that's just Hollywood nonsense. So what is it? WHAT? Wild animals? Wild people? Criminals? Animal-Person Hybrids?

And then the delicate furniture is such a contrast. If there were bars all over the windows but the furniture was rugged too, for some reason I think that would not be as viscerally upsetting. I mean, look at this precious little chandelier:

Here apparently are some delicate, refined people who've been trying to live in some crazy property where wild animals are constantly trying to burst in on them while they're taking their tea. I guess they've decided they can't take it any more and are finally trying to sell and move to a place where all they have to deal with is raccoons in the trash cans.

Final Verdict: I'm not adventurous enough to move into this property. Mark it off the list.