Inside The Brain Of Illianna

Mom

2026-05-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

My mom has been dead for 2 years and these next 5 days are already feeling like a lot. Anniversary of her death and then the anniversary of her birth.

There is literally nothing that stands that says she was here. The last decade of her life she was just the woman I fell out of....

Five days. So much wasted time... potential...

She didnt deserve the life she was forced to live and I worry a lot that I'm beginning to walk in her footsteps.

I draw parallels between her life and mine. Between my daughters and hers.

I wasn't planned and most days I was certain didn't want me. Why do I feel guilty about how her life ended? Why am I allowing her to haunt me?

You chose me once and didn't abort me but since that moment you never chose me. It could have been you, me and the family I made but you didn't want me. Why was I never good enough for you?

Pets & Regrets

2026-01-02T18:05:00.000-08:00

Regret is “the emotional price we pay for free will.” -Julie Beck

If we were just pawns tossed around on the chessboard of life, Beck explains, there’d be nothing to regret. We arent in control, just following orders. Most of us would probably take that trade-off: Better to make mistakes than to have no control at all. But what if your control is over someone else? Your actions can effect others and at some point you'll have to take responsibility of that.

"If you never pine for a different past, you’ll stay trapped in a cycle of mistakes."

In my life there are very few things that I regret. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but the ones that haunt me is the mistakes I made with them.

How my own ignorance and arrogance got in the way of them having the best life.
They deserved so much better.

My cat and corgi died because of complications of being homeless. My chihuahua and chocolate lab I gave them up to... what I desperately hope... were better homes.

Our last year together haunts me, and while I've learned a lot... and there's some mistakes I'd take back if I could and that I've sworn I'll never make again. I wish I could hold them one more time and tell them if I could do it over, I'd make better choices. 😔

I know that 'that's all you can do' but my heart won't forgive me and let me rest in that thought. I'm sorry to my first babies. I wanted you to fill a hole in me. I wanted unconditional love and did not understand the responsibility and obligations that were required of me. I could barely make my life work and i thought adding more to my plate should be nothing. I wanted something to love me and didn't even begin to understand how to love something 😕

I could make all sorts of excuses about my birth family and how stand offish everything was but it's just an excuse. It wasn't until my daughters that I learned what love really was, putting them before everything else. True selflessness and im still working on that every day. Wanting better for them, not wanting to see them suffer, willing to suffer myself so that they can smile and laugh.

Which just makes me feel even more guilty about my animals. Even at full life expectancy they are all dust in the wind now so Im not sure why this is haunting me now. What is the universe trying to tell me by putting this reminder on my plate. Hopefully, that they forgive me and with this full moon in cancer I release the pain these regrets bare on me and endeavor to never put another creature in similar places.

Bless be.

Difficult to Intubate

2025-12-20T14:23:00.000-08:00

My surgery was supposed to be two days ago and once again no one listens to the girl thats had multiple neck trauma, surgeries and over all medical experience.

Surgery got started on Wednesday but no one believed me when I said that I'm difficult to intubate so after 30 minutes of trying, scratching the living hell out of my throat they decided that doing the surgery at the surgical center was no longer safe and I had to be moved to one of the hospitals. On Wednesday I was slightly annoyed but the way that everyone was talking I figured a day or so and the surgery would be done. Nope. I have to wait another 4 weeks.

Disappointed was/is an understatement.

"How does the 13th of January sound"

Like a million days away but I have no other option so what can I do? 5 years what's one more month. One more month of brain splitting pain, and forcing myself to work because no matter how much im suffering bills still need to be paid. The only small consultation is that I get my NSAIDS and steroids back for the next 2 weeks.

The only problem is my "mild depression" has not been feeling very mild lately but I can't say anything cause FUN FACT thats how the surgery would get delayed more.

The only thing my mom ever really taught me was that when the depression gets bad buy something and if that doesnt work or you don't have money turn the sadness into anger.

God, does it not help.

Moving Forward

2025-11-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

Dates for my surgery have been set, and I'm beginning my process for pre-surgery. I will be having a discectomy and fusion. They've decided to do the 3 affected vertebraes. The 10th will be the last day to get any customs or requests in because following the surgery i will be in recovery for 6-8 weeks and it may take longer for me to be able to do high impact activities like running, jumping and bouncing. It is my hope that beach balls and balloons will continue in my future, but I can not guarantee anything. I will be trying to get through my back log of balloons prior to my surgery but with pain levels rising and time being finite my full goals may not be reached but I do want to thank everyone for their continued support.

I got my second MRI

2025-11-17T13:38:00.000-08:00

My Neurologist wants to do 3 vertebrae in my neck in 4 weeks. Anterior cervical discectomy and fusion for you nerds. I will be out for a minimum of six weeks. Before that I have to have a chest x-ray and an EKG while also submitting to my 9-5 that I will be out for a minimum of six weeks.

Currently doing what I can content wise so hopefully I won't lose that. However, I will have a pretty gnarly scar on my throat/neck which may be "modeling" is no longer in the cards (😅 much like most of 2023-present has been). Due to being away from it and the current economic climate being what it is I'm not really sad about it.

Of course I'll still be doing content, however I don't know where my balloon and beach ball content will fall over the next few months. Im going to try to film with my complete stock currently in my possession but after that who knows what my body will be up for. Yes, sure we are hoping for the best however we are planning for the worst (in my universe "worse" is not death. My worst fear has always been what I could live through) Hopefully I'll be back to my 2019 self. 20lbs lighter, no nerve pain and still full of life 😋

My last day for filming will be December 13th so of the is anything you want to see it needs to be in 24hrs prior to the 13th.

Please consider contributing to my deductible.

Tired & Frustrated

2025-09-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have been really hard for me. Not only did I lose my 3 Instagram accounts, but they IP blocked me from making a new one. I have also completed four therapy sessions,s two of which were utterly useless. They created barely a ripple in my pain management, mobility, and inflammation. The other two through me into such a deep flare that I literally hit new levels of pain.

I was between an 8 and a 9 for the past 48 hours. As I am writing this, I am somewhere between 6 and 7. That's because I am currently on heavy narcotics, steroids, and keeping a blunt in my mouth most of the time, so that my body doesn't completely just drop out of this universe and send me into an impossible-to-resist nap.

I have two more therapy sessions on the books, and I am currently just planning to be incompacitated. The goal is to continue providing top-quality content to you.

Neck Update

2025-08-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot has been accomplished...

My surgeon wanted another x-ray and MRI to show range of motion. We got the x-ray but not the second MRI.

What we know after second round of x-rays:

The cartilage between the C4 vertebrae in the neck has significantly deteriorated due to arthritis, causing the bones to rub against each other and compress the spinal cord, as well as the nerves surrounding it, leading to pain, stiffness, and potential neurological symptoms like sensorineural hearing loss, vertigo, nausea and vomitting. The cartilage has been completely broken dow and the formation of bone spurs (osteophytes) which can narrow the space for the spinal cord.

What will insurance cover? Nothing.

... so back to therapy. Jumping through hoops for them.

The swelling in my neck has gotten worse effecting my ability to swallow and caused more pain because pinched nerves that are already irritated dont like additional pressure so... more pain pills and other medication to handle the symptoms.

September is the next update 🥴

Neurosurgery

2025-02-05T13:43:00.000-08:00

I go in for my first surgical consultation tomorrow. Not my first rodeo but I'm still a bit nervous. In case you weren't following the story on Twitter & TikTok, here's your catch-up.

"Omg! Like wtf is wrong with you?"

[ ] Polyarticular Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (stage 4)

[ ] Inflammatory Polyarthropathy

[ ] Osteoarthritis

[ ] Trochanteric bursitis

"It can't be THAT bad"

CT Scan showed degenerative facet joint arthropathy changes, bilateral foraminal stenosis, osteophytosis and bone sclerosis on every cervical vertebrae. This is a bunch of scary words that basically just come down to the bones in my neck not holding the weight they should require the muscles go do mode. Gotta work on getting my neck and throat muscles stronger. Since we checked all the "uh oh" alarms I was sent for an MRI which made ALL the medical staff look at me like when super girl has a syringe needle break in her skin.

Which is how we got here, 48 hours after my "super girl" moment. Might have to go in for major surgery which could put me on the shelf for 3 to 6 months and that's really what I'm scared about.

Manic Depression

2024-09-01T07:42:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else ever feel like they're drowning but like... you're fully clothed sitting on a stool at your normal job and not drowning but that's not how it feels.

In these moments I always want to make that a status message but I don't because I'm not actually drowning and I'm not after attention so I just sit and slip further under the water.

I don't know if this is gaslighting myself or if I just spent way too much time as a child watching my mother and uncle "seek attention" to their mental illness and be pushed off.

They're both dead now. I never wanted to be them.

Lets Collab!

2024-08-14T05:11:00.000-07:00

If you're going to message someone asking them to collaborate...

1. Know what they produce (strictly porn? Strictly clothed? ASMR?) Have an idea of what you'd like their assistance with producing.

2. Be honest about why you want to work with them (say more than "you're hot" or "successful")

3. Create value in yourself. Why should they want to collaborate for you? What's their "carrot"?

4. If they turn you down, be polite. Thank them for their time.

Tiny little me

2024-08-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

A lot of images of me 6+ years ago are popping up in my memories across social media and my brain is like "god bitch, eat something" and a friend pointed out that if 6+ years ago me heard that it would ruin her day.

I've been thinking about that for 2 hours and though at the time I thought I liked my body I've come to realize I didn't. Especially at the size I am now.

That girl was barely 100lbs and the woman I am now is closing on 200lbs but the skin here is a lot tougher and the self love is stronger.

Good bye mom

2024-08-04T06:57:00.000-07:00

1:15pm - My mother has barely been able to eat/or drink for the last month. Hospice comes in daily. She can hear but can't speak.

11:35pm - My mom passes

I spent the next hour unable to sleep, struggling to thing ofa good memory of my mom that didn't involve shame, or neglect. That's what brings me to tears. My mother has been dead to me for a little over a decade.

For the next 6hours I drift in and out of sleep having weird dreams about a vehicle that looked and felt like a cheese bus except that it had four doors and a hatch like a SUV.

I turn off my alarm before it wake me up and proceed about my day. My brain still consumed with finding good memories with my mom.

~~"If you drop that I'm going to slap the shit out of you"~~

Nope.

My brain rolls around struggling until I begin to notice a trend about my "good" memories of my mom. Most of them revolve around her buying me something, toys or food mostly. My love of food and love of shopping are what I relate to my moms love. She was so absent, and I was so broken that those were the only things she knew how to use to bond.

Hours later a girl on twitter brought up the movie "What Lies Beneath" which reminded me that was the first thriller/horror movie I saw in theaters and it was with my mom. She loved Michelle Pfeifer. I remember seeing it with my mom. I remember her Chevy cavalier was brand new and I kept picking rocks out of its treads but I don't remember much of my mom. She might as well have not been there.

She loved Marvin the Martian and the board game Uncle Wiggily (it's a bunny board game). I added the board game to my wishlist because I doubt my mother or her husband kept things like that. When she was a young woman she used to collect cute or odd salt and pepper shakers. Her grandmother bought her this beautiful Gothic cabinet to display them in. I wonder if those things still exists....

Mother

2024-05-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

"Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Do you understand?"

I don't think I ever really did... Eric Draven says this in The Crow. They're trying to tell us that mother is what children worship. She's beauty and grace, she's protection and security. For me, I knew I had a mother but like God I rarely saw her. For a woman that was pro-life, she never really cared about mine.

My mother drank and God knows what else while pregnant. She didn't believe in abortion and when the doctor brought it up she told him "if you suggest that again, I'll go to a different doctor" she loved telling me that story. She felt like such a hero in that moment. That moment was fleeting, cause she didn't stop drinking. Maybe she cut down but I still got a handful of disorders that scientists believe are fetal alcohol related.
• Learning and memory
• Understanding and following directions
• Switching attention between tasks
• Controlling emotions and impulsivity
• Communicating and developing social skills
• Experiencing depression and anxiety
• Performing daily life skills, including feeding, bathing, counting money, telling time, and minding personal safety

Plus I got a splattering of chronic pain and an autoimmune disorder which should have killed me before puberty.

Yay me! I'm a survivor but I knew that as a toddler when my mom would be too "sick" on a Friday or Saturday that she couldn't be bothered to even pour me cereal. I learned early that the only person I could count on was me.

God helps those that help themselves. That's mother.

Slave Application (update)

2023-12-09T18:16:00.000-08:00

Committing to a lifetime or even a single session of slavery is a serious undertaking for anyone to consider. Nothing is to be rushed. Nothing is to be taken for granted. All the rules and conditions to be built up over time do not fundamentally matter as they are a means to an end: a sustainable, ever-maturing and evolving, mutually satisfying, effective and loving Master-slave partnership. Be honest, open and truthful, with yourself and your Master. Commitment, fulfillment, happiness and above all trust and clear communication are crucial, so think carefully about what you are asked here.

Filling in this form will take time. A good Master needs a thorough understanding of any slave who is placed under her control, and honesty and trust are established through clear communication, as well as good actions and training. The mental component to slavery is even more important than the physical dimensions, and this application will help a slave to begin to explore the mental side of slavery, or at the least, enable a slave to consider his reaction or attitudes to various aspects of slavery.

Good Masters need good slaves, and good slaves who submit more willingly and completely to a Master are desirable, and worthy of training. If your application is successful, I will be in touch to arrange an inspection/ interview session and to discuss your future slave development.

Good luck.

This is a lengthy application, with questions in all kinds of different realms and ideas. It has been designed to make you think and seek within your own soul. To look at your fantasies and perceived desires and then closely look at what it is that makes those specific desires and fantasies work so well for you. Intelligent and well thought out answers are what I am looking for. The ability to construct a sentence with clarity and sound like someone of substance is also an asset.

You may take a 20 minute break after each time you complete 10 questions. You may also fill this questionnaire out in two sittings (but only if it's broken at question 50). Your train of thought will tell on you, so don't cheat. Cheaters will be punished.

During your break you will go to the bathroom, smoke, and do 10 push ups and 10 sit ups.

I will expect this questionnaire filled out fully, and completely. Failure to answer ANY question, or heading will result in automatic FAILURE. YES, this is a test.

I DO NOT TOLERATE LIES.

Be aware that there is a $35 application fee due at the time of application, fee should be sent via cash app ($Mediocremouse) or venmo (Mediocremouse) or the links on the side of this blog. Include your email address and nothing else. Once your fee has been sent, you may email your application to xilliannax@yahoo.com

There is also a session fee based on the type of session ranging from $350-$500 per session.

The session fee does not include supplies. The whelp is required to fund those as well.

Tribute

Is this a problem? Don't bother explaining. I am not here to listen to you wail a pathetic song of "woe is slave".

IS COMPENSATION A PROBLEM?

You may now proceed:

PERSONAL DETAILS

Name :

Slave Name :

Is extra discretion required?

Location (city):

Email address :

Height :

Weight :

Age :

Hair Color :

Eye Color :

Ethnicity :

Nationality :

Professional status :

Marital Status :

Driving License? :

Sexuality? :

HIV Status :

Able to accommodate? :

Able to travel :

Smoke? :

If so, which brand and how many in a day? :

Drink alcohol? :

What type of alcohol and frequency? :

Take Drugs? :

What type of drugs and frequency? :

Cock Diameter - flaccid :

Cock Length - flaccid :

Cock Diameter - hard :

Cock Length - hard :

Cut/Uncut :

Testicles (S/M/L) :

Waist Size :

Leg Length :

Chest Size :

Collar Size :

Shoe size :

Head Hair? :

Facial Hair? :

Body Hair? :

Type of relationship:

□ Video Chat

□ Recorded Video

□ Text Only

□ Real Life

What would you consider yourself?

□ Performance slave (slave only during sessions)

□ Performance slave wanting to move towards being lifestyle slave

□ Lifestyle slave

□ Unsure

What fetishes do you have?

What is the most perverse thing you can picture having someone do?

What is the most perverse thing you can picture having done to you?

Are you looking for regular exchange?

How long are you looking for each session to last?

GENERAL QUESTIONS

1. Do you currently have any Master-slave relationships, or regular partners?

2. Do you currently have any vanilla relationships, or regular partners?

3. Which do you consider yourself to be?

□ Exclusively Top

□ Equally top and bottom

□ Usually top, occasionally bottom

□ Usually bottom, occasionally top

□ Exclusively bottom

4. If you switch roles, which role do you feel most comfortable in?

5. Do you consider your current interest in slavery to be light, moderate or heavy?

6. Do you consider your experience of slavery to be novice, intermediate or experienced?

7. Describe your first sexual experience.

8. Describe your first Master-slave experience.

9. When was your last Master-slave scene? (Describe it)

10. List any leather, uniform, rubber or other clothing items you own.

11. List any toys, tools or equipment you own.

12. Do you have access to a playroom or dungeon? (Describe)

13. Do you have any medical or physical conditions which may effect your ability to be slave? (Explain)

14. List any dietary dislikes, allergies and preferences.

PHILOSOPHY

Read and contemplate the following quotes. Then, write your responses to the questions which follow, ensuring your responses are on the line beneath each question, aligned with the bullet point above and are in bold font. Answers must be written honestly, indicating what you currently believe, and not what you assume to be my beliefs or desires

Committing to a lifetime of slavery is a serious undertaking for anyone to consider.

What is commitment?

What would you find difficult about commitment?

What would prevent you from committing totally to a Master?

What are the implications of committing to this sort of lifestyle permanently?

All the rules and conditions to be built up over time do not fundamentally matter as they are a means to an end: a sustainable, ever-maturing and evolving, mutually satisfying, effective and loving Master-slave partnership.

Are you prepared to live a life governed by rules and conditions?

What if you do not agree to some of the rules and conditions demanded by your Master?

Are you prepared to be used and trained to obey these rules and conditions, even if you do not agree with them?

How would you cope with the rules and conditions changing over time, as you mature into your slavery?

Do you see a natural progression?

How do you see your slavery at the start of training? And how do you see your slavery as you mature into the role? How will you, as a slave, change over time, do you think?

How can you, as the slave, ensure the relationship is effective and mutually satisfying?

Be honest, open and truthful, with yourself and your Master.

How important is honesty?

What would prevent you from being honest?

Would you find it difficult being honest about something negative, knowing that you would possibly be punished? And if so, how could this be rectified?

Should a slave keep things from his Master? If so, what? If not, why is it important not to keep things from a Master?

How would you approach an issue you knew was in conflict with your Master?

How difficult would you find honesty?

Is being honest on paper, email, and text easier than face to face? Which is the best method of being honest?

It would be up to Master and slave to negotiate and build up our own boundaries.

How important is negotiation in a Master-slave relationship?

Should a slave have the right to negotiate?

Should a slave merely be told what to do all the time?

Should a slave be like a robot, following all orders blindly and without question from his Master?

Should a slave have the right to establish boundaries?

What if these boundaries conflict with something a Master wants to explore?

Is this sort of relationship, ultimately, an equal partnership of sorts, at least while the negotiations are taking place?

Does a slave have any rights to dictate how the relationship is going to progress?

Can a slave demand that boundaries are fixed and immutable?

Can a slave change his mind about boundaries and other things he has negotiated on?

Many slaves come into the lifestyle expecting everything to be dream-like and perfect.

What is your idea of a perfect relationship?

What qualities do you have to make a relationship perfect?

What would hinder you from establishing your perfect Master-slave relationship?

What difficulties would have to be faced, by Master and slave?

Is a perfect relationship attainable at all?

What are important factors in a Master-slave relationship?

What turns you off about slavery?

Do you have any special dreams or fantasy situation you’d like to try?

What are your best qualifications for slavery?

Be honest with yourself. Figure out what you will and will not do, and what is a maybe.

Should a slave have the right to dictate conditions?

Should a slave be able to say to his Master to go gently, or should a slave go at his Master’s pace?

Should Masters be understanding of their slaves or demand brutally exactly what they want?

Should a slave have opportunities to give feedback to his Master about what is to be done and not to be done?

How much influence should a slave have over a scene?

Should a slave be allowed to contribute ideas to the relationship?

Are you prepared to give up preferences and only listen to His music? This type of sacrifice can apply to many other things you currently enjoy

Is it reasonable for a Master to deny a slave choices of music, books, film etc?

Should a slave be directed to listen to specific types of music, read specific books without due regard to the slave’s opinions, likes and dislikes?

How easy would it be for a slave to deny his own likes in favor of his Master’s?

Should a slave be made to give up his own likes if the Master requests this?

Should a Master use force and discipline to implement his decisions on these matters?

Being tired, ill or just in a bad mood does not excuse you from your required tasks.

Is it reasonable to expect a slave to be a slave when he is ill, tired or not up to it?

How strict should a Master be in enforcing what he requires of a slave?

Should a slave have the right to say no to his Master?

How would you cope with being told to do something you were not in the mood to do?

How difficult would this part of slavery be to you?

Does a slave have the right to question his Master?

Slaves enter into this type of relationship of their own free will. This is not the day of forced slavery; it is a matter of choice, consensual slavery.

How much free will should a slave have when in the relationship?

Should a slave be forced into slavery?

Do you think you would require force to carry out your slave duties?

Does a slave have choice in his slavery, or does he merely obey?

Is force necessary?

Is it desirable?

Some slaves crave to be forced to obey. What is your opinion on this matter?

Is free will important for a slave?

How much freedom would you, as a slave, require? And in which areas?

Enter the Master-slave lifestyle with your eyes wide open, fully knowing what to expect. The road will not be an easy one.

What are you expecting from a Master-slave relationship?

What will be easy?

What will be difficult?

Is this a journey you want to make?

How sincere are you about slavery?

Ultimately, how important is slavery to you?

Are you prepared to work hard at developing your slavery?

Is the idea of slavery a passing whim in your journey through life?

How permanent do you want your slavery to be?

-------------------------------------------------------

By this point I sincerely hope that you do realize and understand that I am very "REAL." I enjoy what I do immensely. I also firmly believe that a person should be able to earn a decent living - Doing what they enjoy.

I AM DOMINANT BY NATURE. It is something I was born with, not something I learned. I am not looking to capitalize on OUR perversity. DO NOTE THAT I SAID OUR.

YES! I do demand compensation, that is my right. What it is yet to discover is what becomes of those "TOKENS."

I will accept only true sincere ... Dedicated, and genuinely generous submissives.

If you do truly want to please me, perhaps you should not only inquire as to "A SELECT CLUB," but will also endeavor to meet the obligations that accompany this PRESTIGIOUS POSITION. This will leave me feeling slightly more contented.

SO WHAT ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?

I'm sure the truth will come to light soon enough. I do hope that those who are truly sincere, and committed to the notion of serving will undertake the task of making me smile.

If you do not fully understand one of the questions do not leave it blank. Continue with the questions and afterwards if you still does not comprehend you know where I may be reached.

DO NOT WASTE MY TIME.

I also want to make it very clear that what happens in the "SCENE" or session is ENTIRELY UP TO ME. Whether or not there are any sexual connotations is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO SLAVE.

- YOU PLACE IS TO SERVE, AND TO PLEASE ... HOWEVER I SEE FIT.

If it hopes to receive special privileges, then I would hope that it would provide me with ample, and very good reason to extend them, or for me to even consider it.

Don't even think of asking what those privileges are. CURIOSITY IS NOT BECOMING.

IF you are chosen, and ONLY when that time comes will slave be privy to the PRIVILEGES OF ... "A SELECT CLUB."

The first set of directions is this:

TO ALL TIMES FOLLOW THE PRINCIPLES OF R.O.D

THESE ARE = Respect, Obedience, Discipline.

2020 Too

2022-12-31T18:14:00.001-08:00

It feels so weird.

At the end of 2019 I was getting my life together. I'd just fixed my back tattoo and was really feeling my body. I was on my way to really progress in my career and in my personal life.

3 months later covid started and over a year of quarantine and another year of bullshit covered bullshit has set me back 7 years. I'm feeling hopeless and frustrated.

There's also nothing I can do. There's no "work harder" that's going to give me back what I lost in the same amount of time I lost it.

"Why are you a [Sex Worker]?"

2021-07-07T15:58:00.002-07:00

Because I have SERIOUS problems with -requesting- time off. Requesting hours. The company needs workers, those workers should get a full say in how that works but we've fallen so far from FREEDOM that we are entering into a different kind of slavery. I refuse. If a company is NOT giving me benefits and $75k+ a year then they get -informed- of when I'm coming and going. Regardless of what you pay me, I will tell you what my availability is and will NEVER say -Oh, I've got OPEN availability- Why?

Cause, the fuck I do!

No one on this planet has open availability. People need to eat, sleep, bathe, laugh... People need more from their life than what capitalism can give. Capitalism is a rat trap for us, rats. Open availability is a trap, especially the way these companies want it.
Open availability for most minimum wage jobs translates to "I will work from open to close, every motherfucking day" and that's just not realistic. Your body and soul need time to rest and focus on things that matter TO YOU. You need to be able to create, relax and play.

Sorry (Not really), if I'm your employee I'm going to give you realistic expectations.
Under promise, over-deliver. Just like if you hire me for a custom photo set or a video.

THAT'S WHY I'M A [SEX WORKER] - because I'm a mother fucking business. There's no separating my "hustle"/job from my "downtime"/life. The other things that are going on in my life are what make my working hours so costly. If you cant understand where the expense comes from then I have to ask if you're truly happy with your life or if you are just a rat stuck on the wheel.

You'll be some ballsy as mother fuckers dealing with these minimum wage hell holes day in and day out.

I'm naked online but you all are sacrificing your life for someone else's dream of having the shiniest rocks and having more of them than anyone else.

He who dies with the most toys... STILL DIES

It's disgusting in my book and I just can't deal with that. No one was made to pay bills and work till they die. I cannot believe that is our purpose. I know it's not mine. The "American Dream" has slowly been cut apart and stripped of all its value. Surviving should NOT be the new dream. Just getting by should not be the new white picket fence.

People look at sex workers and degrade them, shaming them for getting dollars thrown at them for twirling around a pole. The stripper does not feel degraded. Not one ounce. A stripper feels degraded by the contempt and disrespects the audience puts on them by NOT tipping them.

Not a single sex worker alive looked at the stigma and went "ooooh! Fashion statement" and lived that life just floating on giggles and candy. The stigma comes from the outsiders that can't get into the club feeling excluded and lacking so they have to shift that somewhere else.

Access To Me

2020-12-03T11:15:00.001-08:00

Allow me to remind anyone and everyone who needs to hear this.

No one is entitled to access to me or anyone, no exceptions.

Some people believe that people are entitled to access to us by default unless they do some egregious slight that then justifies them being taken out of our lives. It's not the case.

Access to YOU is granted by YOU and ONLY YOU. You get to decide how someone earns it.

Access to me, for instance, is granted on some pretty basic things but the main ones (especially recently) have been...

Is this going to be a positive experience?
Is being in this setting going to require "after-care" (physically or emotionally)?
Are you safe? Do you care about consent? Do I feel my boundaries will be respected?

Floyd Baker

2020-11-07T11:13:00.003-08:00

In Western New York, most people have heard the name. Ten years ago when I first moved to WNY it was one of the first names I heard in the modeling community. Models & Photographers alike told me that he was a man that was not to be trusted. He would serve underage girls liquor to get them to do nude shoots when they would not willingly do it sober. That he really wasn't the type of guy to hear "No" and let it not only be a full sentence but let it actually mean "no".

My first encounter with Floyd Baker happened a few months later when I had a modeling agent and wasn't really booking my own shoots. Floyd called me and offered me a "last minute" TFP shoot at a hotel in downtown Buffalo. I had no idea how he'd gotten my number and he wouldn't tell me. I told him that at that time I was not accepting TFP shoots because I had to pay a baby sitter so I did have a minimum requirement of $50. He was very annoyed by this and stated that I was squandering a "golden" opportunity and that I would regret rejecting him. I didn't. I went on to spend the next 4-5 years being a fairly successful traveling model working with a number of photographers and studios across fifteen states. The full list of which is connected to this page along with how they can be contacted.

Around the 24th of October of this year, Floyd messaged me on Instagram. I was hesitant but am a firm believer that people deserve a second chance at a first impression. Not everyone gets the same thing from every person. Chemistry and time between people can change things.

I declined both the dungeon and the pole without reason or excuse.

The conversation then moved to text messaging which is where we discussed his studio and I stated that I'd been there before with a number of photographers but not all of the photographers gave me copies of the images (which is fairly standard for when a model is paid for the shoot) so I couldn't place them all off the top of my head but gave him my very public list of everyone I've worked with, he did not reciprocate.

The night before the shoot he dropped another text message and stated that he "knew" I was good on the pole and that he had aerial silks if I was interested and he brought up the dungeon again. Both of which I declined. I corrected him on his information about my experience on the pole because I am a novice and still very much a clumsy learner. I have attempted to have the few tricks I know photographed and they do not have a high success rate.

I went to bed not thinking much of it, but I woke up to Floyd bringing attention back to videos I have done where I am practicing pole work and he inquired further. I stated that "pole dance" is not something I do. I have worked as a stripper which has almost zero interaction with the stage pole and what I do in my home is more pole fitness because I am working on my body. I had to disclose very personal details about my life and body which included me telling him that this was none of his business and that he should have been satisfied with my decline of the use of his equipment. The whole situation made me feel very uncomfortable about the shoot. I told him that very plainly that he was not respecting boundaries and living up to his reputation of coercion and manipulation so I would not be attending his group shoot.

My denial of his dungeon, pole, and aerial silks should have been enough. The fact that I had to go beyond the "no" and even that was not being respected meant that this was not someone I wanted to do business with.

Floyd proceeded to dwell on my medical history and stated that I should it should be public knowledge for anyone who wants to do business with me. I had to remind him that these issues were none of his business and do not affect the type of shoot I had agreed to. Had I known that he was determined to book me for pole and dungeon play then I would have declined the shoot at our first interaction and would not have brought it this far. He then began blaming others for "poisoning" me against his when it was his refusal to accept "no" and respect professional boundaries. I pointed out the conversation we had on Instagram which he then proceeded to deny happened.

Floyd stated he doesn't "insist" on nude, but he made it clear in the Instagram conversation that he wants to "start out nude" and then progress to whatever the model wants. He stated that other models had done the dungeon, pole, and aerial silks "happily and willingly" and that I should have been able to do so as well. I reminded him that other models' behavior does not dictate mine and that I set my own boundaries and this assumption was again why I was not attending his shoot.

My health and why I do not engage in certain activities is no one's business but my own. If Floyd wants to paint this as me flaking on his shoot then that's the way it was and it is also why I have included screenshots with this recounting of my experience.

Floyd Baker claims he has over 350 references in his 12 years of shooting but he does not provide you with any names or contact information.

I hope this helps you understand who I am as not just a professional model but also as a human being. My first interaction with Floyd Baker is also why I will not schedule a shoot verbally or over the phone, it must all occur via text so that things can be referenced when photographers do not feel the need to be professional any longer.

The Joker... Can we be serious?

2020-10-28T14:42:00.001-07:00

Every fuck boy that can't make it in society and has problems with law enforcement enjoys calling himself "The Joker". It's become almost a sickening joke when someone honestly expects me to refer to them as such. Don't get it twisted, the almost identical situation occurs when a girl wants to be a Harley Quinn. Most people don't understand the derangements that exist in these characters or the motivations for them.

Joker has many backstories depending on how far back and which universe we are going through but let's discuss what Jack Napier, Joseph Kerr, Johnny Jape, W.C. Whiteface, Clavier Ankh, Mr. Genesius, Red Hood, Dr. J. Reko, Oberon Sexton, Jack White, Melvin White, & Eric Border have in common. They're all simple "dogs chasing cars" and not a single one of them would know what to do if they actually caught one. By this, I mean that all of their individual actions are reactionary. None of it is a plan. After all, does Joker look like a man with a plan?

Joker is not known for very good "long-term" planning and his self-control leaves a LOT to be desired but that makes sense when you understand that self-control is the ability to regulate and alter your responses in order to avoid undesirable behaviors, increase desirable ones, and achieve long-term goals.

Joker is emotionally shallow, never showing any remorse for his previous criminal behavior, and unable to display any empathy. He never denied any knowledge of episodes of aggression. So what makes him so difficult to understand is that his "games" seem to be so broad but he doesn't look like the type of man with a plan. Yet, anyone who's read a great deal of Joker stories understands that that's not the case at all and truthfully I for one would not be surprised if his reasoning for not LOOKING like a man capable of making, and executing a plan isn't part of his design.

Culpulible deniability being what is it! "It was the heat of the moment", "He was under the influence of drugs", "Shit in life fucked with him hard", "He just had a bad day". He doesn't want any of the consequences to be ON HIM. Luckily for him, though he has a nemesis that is more than willing to accept that EVERYTHING is his fault, Batman is a story for another day.

The important thing to understand about the Joker and what sets him across from all these mentally deranged criminals that want to claim that they are the Joker is commitment. Most of these criminals lack the commitment to BE the Joker. All that's in the Joker's pockets is lint and knives. The Joker leaves no survivors unless intended to and the Joker has zero problems serving because he knows that he'll be capable of breaking out again, with or without help.

Please do us all a favor. Stop trying to be a knock off Joker.

Explaining My Chest Tattoo

2020-10-24T08:39:00.003-07:00

I get a lot of questions asking about the tattoo on my chest a lot.

A number of stories use the ouroboros. The story I got my tattoo from is a manga that was later adapted into two different animes called Full Metal Alchemist. With the placement, I selected mine is from the character "Lust".

Mostly on TikTok, I get a lot of questions about this piece because it's obviously "old" and people are super curious about what it means. I have not fully come out on TikTok with the full history of the symbol because mine is actually a mixture of TWO symbols. This ouroboros on my chest isn't JUST an ouroboros, it also has a seal of Solomon in the center. Yes, a seal of Solomon. A hexagram. How is it different from a star of David? It's not really. They're both hexagrams but let's talk about the ouroboros first and then we'll come back to the seal of Solomon.

Originating in ancient Egyptian iconography, the ouroboros entered western tradition via Greek magical tradition and was adopted as a symbol in Gnosticism and Hermeticism and most notably in alchemy.
An ouroboros is a snack eating its tail. It has become symbolic of "self-sustaining" or "invincibility".
My tattoo is from the anime Full Metal Alchemist where they put the seal of Solomon in the center.
The seal of Solomon is a hexagram (✡︎), however is different from a star of David known in Hebrew as the Shield of David or Magen David is a generally recognized symbol of modern Jewish identity and Judaism. The hexagram, being an inherently simple geometric construction, has been used in various motifs throughout human history, which were not exclusively religious.
The seal of Solomon is the signet attributed to King Solomon in medieval Jewish tradition and in Islamic and Western occultism.
Due to the proverbial wisdom of Solomon, his signet came to be seen as a symbol of Renaissance-era magic, occultism, and alchemy.
Seal of Solomon protects against demons, evil spirits, and jinn (genies) while also granting the power to speak with animals.
What distinguishes a Seal of Solomon from a Star of David is the two triangles are interlaced giving the appearance of a 3-dimensional figure.
Here the current videos that attempt to shed light on my tattoo.
If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them 😉

So what if I'm fucking crazy?

2020-10-20T11:30:00.001-07:00

You're a real rare individual?
You're into the physical and the metaphysical?
You understand what I do and understand that I need alone time. How do I explain that is critical?
You want my time and it sounds so hypocritical? Especially when you're not willing to compensate me

With the COVID plastered over our normal lives and removing a lot of the things that we've come to find comfort in, is it difficult to understand that the population is going insane? This new world, new normal has to lead to a lot of people not respecting boundaries that are there for a reason because they are only focusing on what they need and want to keep all their marbles contained.

Everyone is so quick to dismiss how fucked up the world is. They'll exchange "how are you"s and respond with just fine. Even though their not... do they not understand how they're not? My mind twists and turns like ... none of us are ok but there is nothing anyone can do about it. We're all thinking about what we've lost, what we could have had, and what our future looks like... It's all uncertain. We're all just caught in quicksand and we're just slowly sinking, trying to continue our day and not worry about the impending doom that is just inches away. It's fine. We're back to work and that's all that matters. Right?

I wasn't born to just pay bills and then die. I don't believe that you were either. We are supposed to be entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Yes, entitled. I know a lot of the world likes to scream up and down that my generation is "entitled" but we just want the things that were promised. The things that our parents and grandparents told us we would get if we worked hard and applied ourselves. The "American Dream". Or maybe that was just me that heard these things because I was raised in a "respectable" family. My family was in politics and my world was FULL of "we're watching" cause everyone was... I didn't want the "future" my family was designing for me. I didn't want to just go to work, drink beer, and call it good enough. I wanted something bigger. I believe that in our hearts of hearts we all do and that is what is stirring the pot of political distrust right now.

They know I've got million-dollar plans and I'm trying to build a brand, live a life in high demand.

Maybe its because I took the declaration of independence too seriously when I was in school. Yet its the declaration of independence that bangs around in my head for hours on end with no reprieve. Not ever. Unalienable rights. Natural rights are those that are not dependent on the laws or customs of any particular culture or government, and so are universal, and fundamental. These are supposed to be for EVERY human. Yet if you just want to flip burgers to make your ends meet so you have most of your own time at the end of the day to make something "bigger" to follow the blueprints that are printing out in your brain and driving you insane people look at you like you're just that. Insane.

Where does that put us through? How do we reconcile this with how the world "really" works?

No... I'm seriously asking because as a millennial I don't know what to do with my life. I did everything I was supposed to... in the beginning even though my chronic illness told my family that I wouldn't live as long as I'm currently achieving. I was supposed to be dead when I got married, bought a house, had kids... and then the world renigged on its social construct and left me on my ass. Everything I'd worked and sacrificed for was gone. The nights I missed with my friends because I HAD to earn that dollar for this class or that book, to be able to put down what I needed on a house so that my family could grow up with strong roots was quickly washed away by capitalism failing.

Don't get attached to anything you can lose. Where do we go from here?

The Zooming Maniac Effect

2020-10-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

There are so many different sides of life that things can easily suffer from miscommunication. I'm sure we all have that one person who is no longer in our life because of some stupid fuck up in the words or the silence. So much can be said when nothing is said at all. People get left on read and draw their own conclusions because only their life is real. Only their life matters. Only YOUR life matters, right? Lets sonder, shall we? Are you in a place where you're willing to receive the information that EVERY person you meet has a life is complex vivid and chaotic as your own?

Is there a reason you're like this? Yes. You're human. I know, I was devasted when I found out too.

Life comes at us fast and sometimes you have to choose whether you dodge or you take the hit. Is it worth the fight? Is this the hill you want to die on? We have loads of phrases that personify the "fight or flight" mentality because that is a purity in our body if not our soul. It's completely separate from our humanity.

You were with your friends, partying
When the alcohol kicked in
Said you wanted me dead
So, you showed up at my home, all alone
With a shovel and a rose
Do you think I'm a joke?

Sometimes we lose people not because of the people themselves but the choices they make and the people they all have power over their lives. There are lots of stories. Lots of "what if"s. We want to imagine a life where there's a happily ever after and there isn't. You can do everything right and still lose.

Wait.

What?

That's not the American dream! That's not what anyone signed up for... the social construct says that if I play by the rules and fit into this itty bitty box then I get a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a happily ever after. What do you mean that's all a lie?

You just went too far
Wrecked your car, called me crying in the dark
Now you're breakin' my heart
So, I show up at your place right away
Wipe the tears off of your face
While you beg me to stay

It's the American dream, but its more important to think of it as a shared delusion. It even has a term "The Mandela Effect". It refers to a situation in which a large mass of people believes that an event occurred when it did not. Did you actually have an agreement with anyone? Is the social contract real? Or is it all an assumption that the poor believe that the rich are good people and are on the same team? We were told a lie by the voices in our head and it is making our skin crawl...

Is this the matrix? Are we finally waking up and realizing what we've created in a dirty bathroom with the lights out?

Maybe...

Fake or Proper Etiquette

2020-09-06T12:18:00.005-07:00

In life, we will have interactions that don't go our way and we will wonder "why". Most Americans will search for blame in others. A dog bites a child and instantly everyone blames the dog, but no one considers for a moment that the child could have "deserved" it. Even say that will probably get me some negative comments, but hear me out.

In life how much disrespect or rude behavior do you tolerate before you lash out. Physically or verbally? No one will scold you for standing up for yourself or no longer allowing the behavior to continue. Does the dog have that option though?

Often we have moments in our life where people are rude, disrespectful, or insulting but when is it ok to "bite"? Never? Etiquette is what governs good behavior and our social and business interactions, is always evolving and changing as society changes. It reflects our cultural norms and generally accepted ethical codes. Without it, society degrades into mammalian instincts which includes the biting the dog used to stop a behavior he didn't like to continue.

The average millennial wasn't taught etiquette because their parents viewed it as being fake. How could you smile and speak pleasantly with someone you hated? It's etiquette and its the lost art of "adulting". Its also why most millennials don't feel like an adult. Etiquette is the foundation of adult/professional behavior. It is what allows us to show respect and consideration to others but also makes others glad that we are with them. Without proper manners and etiquette, polite society crumbles and all that is left is the over aggression and "every man for himself" attitude which does not help us survive.

Etiquette used to dictate a great number of things but like I mentioned it was slowly chipped away as early as the civil war. We no longer require widows to dress in black for a year after their husbands die. The etiquette we've kept is to ensure communication and being respectful. For example, if you have social anxiety, taking a course on etiquette could help you be more comfortable in a situation because you will know how you are "expected" to act. Etiquette requires that you almost make others feel comfortable while protecting their feelings. A number of people state that this isn't a requirement for interaction and we've already started to see the degradation of this in the 2016 and 2020 presidential elections where the terms "snowflake" started to be thrown around to degrade people for wanting all parties to feel comfortable in the situations.

While leaving comments on photos of people that are posted internet "the rule of ten seconds" is applied which states that if someone cant fixes something about their appearance in ten seconds then you don't address it. That's part of etiquette.

Etiquette is designed to break down barriers that can prevent clear communication and while it did have a history of erecting some to separate the classes that is no longer where it is. Its an ever-changing situation and having proper etiquette will make you see more capable, more professional, and more intelligent not just in the workplace but also in a number of social situations.

Words Have Meaning

2020-08-25T18:12:00.005-07:00

This blog began as a way for me to explain how my brain works because, at the time of this blog, humans were a mystery to me. No one seemed to think like I thought. No one had the problems I did and I was constantly being told I was "weird", "awkward" or "broken". After years of self-exploration, I've discovered social anxiety, introvert tendencies, ADHD, and depression. I've also learned that each of these things manifested with others can make me difficult to deal with or interact with this, this blog continues.

On a number of social media apps, I will get random messages from people that "just want to chat" on most social media pages that are attached to me I have a whole section about keeping messages "purposeful", or "business orientated" but really what I'm saying is "Don't pop into my inbox for -no reason- expecting me to validate/entertain or otherwise have a banal conversation with you". That's not who I am and that's not what I'm about. For the simple reason, my brain has a really hard time with conversations that are ordinary and containing nothing that is interesting or important. This is because of my ADHD but also because of my high IQ and low life expectancy. I value my time a lot more than the average person so if you're looking to meaningless platitudes or insincere compliments, you're messaging the wrong person. I am a person that fully understands the meanings of words. The phrase "words have meaning" sounds really condescending, doesn't it? But for me, I don't know what you mean I only know what you say.

Most people don't use words according to their actual definition. People prefer the connotations of words. Having spent most of my childhood in a hospital, connotations go right over my head. I, literally, have no idea what you mean. I have to rely on the actual definition and meaning of the word which can make me seem bit bitchy or cunty because I will need further clarification.

"Just wanted to chat" is meaningless for me because there is normally no purpose. I am unable to come up with random dialogue without understanding the motivation of the conversation. Thus normally if someone just messages me "Hi", the response you get is "How can I help you?" because it is the phrase conveys my meaning.

The average person seems to just want a simple little conversation sometimes flirty and probably progressing to something out of a sexual nature but as a sex worker that complicates things at least on my end because those conversations are normally sold. I charge for my time. Most of it. If your number is not saved in my phone then you'll probably be expected to compensate me for my time UNLESS the conversation is business orientated.

People pop into my DMs and say "hi" so since I don't know them I'll greet them and ask them what I can help them with... to which most reply "just saying hi" which for an industry professional translates to " I had nothing thoughtful kind helpful or intelligent to say but I wanted the attention" or they'll comment "just looking to chat" which brings us back to them having nothing to say. We're not even going to discuss today that you DONT do this to your father, lawyer, doctor or the guy who makes your lunch. People tend to view sex workers (and some times all women) as "free entertainment". Please forgive me if your intentions are pure and you feel like you're being treated like "just a customer" but if you want to be treated like a friend then that's a seat at my table (or anyones) that you have to earn.

"Just saying hi" - is a lie, you weren't. Especially if you included a picture of yourself or part of yourself 😉. It's easy to deduce that you were looking for validation and then when you did not receive that you did not know where to go from there so you went to the cop-out. Its a bluff and its a lie. There's no reason to lie, there's no shame in wanting another person attentions. Thats human! Own it. I know our culture belittles people for this, calling them "thirsty" or "simp" or probably a dozen other names that I haven't heard.

Here's a help hint, in case you don't know whether you should be compensating the other person for the time you're using.

If you are not compensating the other person for their time then you need to be as "entertaining" as you're expecting them to be. I know this phrase normally pisses quite a few people off because they state that's not how friendship works, but it is. If your friends ONLY came over to watch the game, eat your food and mess up your house you'd feel a little taken advantage of, wouldnt you? Because you're supplying all the entertainment but having to work (clean up) for the items they enjoyed. Dont take people for granted. Dont assume that people owe you their time, energy or creative content unless you're actively supporting them. This doesnt even have to be money. This can be as simple as sharing their posts on twitter or watching their videos on youtube (pornhub).

For me personally, having spent an entire day of having my inboxes full of "Hi!" and "Just wanted to chat"s... do you know what all these random messages have done.... nothing. There was no brain work, no human interaction, no joy or money exchange. It was literally different selfish people that wanted attention they didn't earn because their life is not adequate for the life experience they think they deserve. Dont be this person.

Anal Sex

2020-06-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

I've gotten a lot of requests for anal in my lifetime and I'm assuming you know about my career path so you can understand that is "more" than the "average" female. Anal sex regardless of amateur or professional level takes a lot of preparation. While sex takes almost nothing! A little lube here or a little spit there and you're in, proper hydration and you can go for an hour, no problem.

Anal sex is NOT like that. When you watch anal sex in a pornographic clip, anal seems like something you can just decide to do spontaneously, but real-life anal requires much more care and has to be taken a lot more slowly. It can take multiple rounds to reach a point of full insertion and pleasure for both partners. Inserting and pulling out because you found a "dry" spot, applying more lube and doing it again, but ... ope! The second sphincter didn't open or isn't lubed enough.

Anal sphincters need to be trained. Failure to do so can damage them or cause the receiver of anal a lot of discomfort and possible embarrassment later. Just like any other muscle, anal sphincters need regular exercise in order to increase flexibility and overall capability of being stretched.

Also, if you don't trust your partner completely that can make you tense which can cause you to tighten up. Being a tight ass isn't just an expression its a literal thing that happens when you're under stress or self-conscious. You have to be confident that if your partner hits resistance that they will stop, re-lube, and then re-insert.

Your anal cavity is made up of two sphincters. the internal sphincter and the external sphincter muscle. These muscles control your bowel movements. Damage to either of your anal sphincters can cause a decreased ability to control bowel movements and can contribute to symptoms of accidental bowel leakage.