Coping With Bipolar Disorder

I Remember

2010-11-16T02:34:00.000-05:00

I remember being normal. That was yesterday just a memory. Tomorrow is a dream of being normal that I can't seem to reach. I scream at the top of my lungs but no one is listening. A game is what they think it is.

To go from one extreme from the next is a punishment I wouldn't wish on anyone. Manicing now and don't sleep. So irritable, the slightest thing will send me into a frenzy. So full of energy that I rearrange my house at 5 a.m. Who does that? At the same time struggle with pain in my body that I can't get rid of. The doctor doesn't know what's wrong with me. I think he believes I'm a hypochondriac. I'm not! He's not doing his job right. All he wants is blood work and more blood and more blood. I'm starting to think he's a vampire. I even had to tell him about interactions I have with NSAIDS and one of my other meds. Personally, he's a great guy but why so many tests. I know what I feel but nothing is showing up. Why so much inexplicable pain? Not just emotionally but physically too. I don't think it's part of my bipolar. There's an underlying problem and no one listens.

I've applied for disability and had to hire an attorney because it was denied. I have a legitamite illness which is spiraling out of control. It's my money. I paid into it and now I have to fight to get it. This government is the new age antichrist. We sinners need to repent because the end is really near. At the rate they are going, our children will not have a leg to stand on. I may be rambling but it's true. My house was haunted today. My oven kept beeping and beeping as if someone was pushing the buttons but no one was there. I'm losing my mind and no one listens.

Wow!

2010-11-15T03:09:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post.

I've had my share of ups and downs and even lost my job. Now I'm struggling with this illness which is getting worse by the minute and have become codependent which I've never been. I feel like I'm screaming and no one can hear me. I feel like my last job ruined my life and I want to lash out. God forgive me for my thoughts. This empty feeling just can't get fulfilled. It's like running through a desert desperately seeking water and not finding it. I'm desperately seeking your help and I can't find you. Where has everyone gone? I've done nothing but be there for people since I was 15 and on my own. Now I need help and can't get it. How much more do I have to give? What am I being punished for? It's hard to get disability which I've been paying into for 20 years and now I have to fight for what is mine. What kills me is that I know people who are perfectly healthy and faked their way through the system. My doctor's don't hear me. My symptoms mask each other and they don't take the time to see what's wrong with me. Why must I go through all this? I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask?

I just don't get it

2009-11-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

I just don't see where I fit in. Why am I here? I just mess up everything. I mess things up at work, at home, everywhere. I feel like a spoiled brat with no purpose in life. Why!?

Today's mood...

2009-11-20T16:09:00.000-05:00

I feel weird today. I feel as if everyone is mad at me and feels like I'm pushing everyone away. I'm getting sick too... when it rains it pours. I'm more down than anything today. For no reason, just down. Well, I type some more later.

Keep your fingers crossed!

2009-11-19T13:44:00.002-05:00

Well supposedly the insurance has all they need now to make a decision. They said it could take up to 10 business days (max) to give me a decision. I hope I don't have to wait too long. This fight has tired me out. I can't describe my feelings today. I feel numb. Not mad, not sad, just don't care.

The fight still continues!

2009-11-18T11:46:00.001-05:00

I can't believe I'm still fighting with my doctor's office and the insurance company to get everything in order for my short term. It's been over a month! I'm going to have to be forced to go back to work, although I'm not ready just yet. I don't mind working don't get me wrong, but I see myself cycling rapidly. I'm afraid to blow up at work if someone says something wrong, or does something to upset me. What am I going to do? I asked my counselor what should I do since I didn't have the money to keep up with the treatments, she said well don't come in today and does that mean you can't come in on Friday? Mind you all the while, this is suppose to be a non-profit org to help people with mental illnesses. WTF! Does that sound like not for profit. Give me a f'n break. I don't feel sorry for myself. That's not the issue. I need to provide for my kids and can't seem to get the help I need, the help I pay for. So not only am I piling up doctor bills since I'm going every week, my personal bills are piling up. Is it even worth it???? On another note, I might just end up taking down the Facebook page I started. No one is really posting anything on it. I tried doing something good but it's not working. I'll keep my blog because they're my personal thoughts. I have some "fans" supporters, mainly people I know on Facebook which I am grateful for. But how can we learn from each other if no one is interested enough. There's only so much I can do. I know I'm whining today but I'm so pissed at everything right now. I could never win no matter what good deed I try to do.

Talk about rapid cycling!

2009-11-17T18:32:00.002-05:00

I feel better now. Was chatting with an old friend and made me feel better. So funny how we can go from one side of the spectrum to another by the simplest things!

I hate these down moments!

2009-11-17T11:33:00.000-05:00

Today I'm not doing so good. I don't want to be bothered. I don't even want to leave my room. I can't even stand my dogs! I closed my door and hopefully will be left alone today. I'm just so irritable and depressed today, I can't even stand my own skin. Does that make any sense? I don't know what to do anymore. I want to get rid of this curse! What did I do to deserve this????

Ughhh

2009-11-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

Not in the best of moods today. I'm down and stressed out. My thoughts are racing and can't seem to concentrate. It feels like everything is crumbling down around me today. Nothing seems to be going right for me. Still waiting on my short term to be approved. Horrible time to have a break down and no income. Christmas is right around the corner and I don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to get better and get back to a normal life. Sometimes I feel like this is a punishment or curse of some sort. Why can't I be normal like everyone else??! I just want to be free, energetic, full of life. I don't even know myself. I feel like I'm lost and trapped inside my own mind. What a terrifying place to be!

Today's Mood

2009-11-14T22:04:00.001-05:00

I was very energetic and positive today. I wish I could feel like this every day. I have several things on my mind but not letting them get to me. Trying to stay positive to attractive positive energy. A family very close to me is going through a trying time right now and have them in my prayers. I spoke with my daughter today. It pretty much made my day. I miss her so much. I can't wait to see her again.

On another note, I've been blessed with connecting with friends that I haven't spoken to in over 20 years! I'm so happy. We had so much fun. I can't believe after all this time we were able to connect through Facebook.

I have to admit, I'm getting a little addicted to blogging. It's so helpful.

Facebook Page

2009-11-13T17:50:00.000-05:00

I'm ecstatic that I'm getting so many fans so quickly on my page. It's nice to be able to connect with people who are going through this or know someone who is. Today I've kept to myself pretty much all day. Haven't been in the mood to interact with anyone. My new medicine seems to be working but still have my moments. I have been drawing lately to retrain myself to concentrate and stay focused on one thing. It works most days but there are days that it doesn't.

Still mixed

2009-11-11T12:01:00.000-05:00

Not very energetic today. Feels like the world is crumbling down around me. On the other hand, I have so many racing thoughts on what I wat to do, what I want to be, and very excited for my sister's wedding. It's funny how you can feel all of these emotions at once. The side effects, well mainly one, of the new medication I'm on is driving me absolutely bananas. I'm always hungry. I've gained so much weight it's not even funny. I'm going to my PCP next week for that diet pill. Wish me luck on that.

Mixed emotions today

2009-11-10T21:43:00.000-05:00

I'm still fighting with the insurance company on my short term disability claim. They keep requiring different docs which seems like a stall tactic. This really brought my mood to the lowest so far. I'm happy that I'm starting to get more and more supporters on Facebook for my page "Coping with Bipolar Disorder". It's wonderful because I'm not trying to get rich, just trying to connect with other people like me. I have a strong support system but no one understands unless they have it. I'm still stuck in my room. I can't seem to leave it. It's my safe zone. It feels like I'm stuck in here but voluntarily. I've been smoking more now since my emotions are all over the place. Not many people realize how this illness is a domino effect on the rest of your health. I've been eating alot more lately which is not good. I'm going to see my PCP next week. This is a side effects of my medicine and I do not want to gain weight. We'll see what happens. Is anyone out there? Can you see my blogs? Am I alone?

Positive thoughts attract positive things in your life

2009-11-09T19:22:00.000-05:00

Have you ever read the book "The Secret"? Well, it's one of my favorite books. It talks about the laws of attraction. It explains how our thinking affects our lives and everything around us. I am going to read the book again. I need to make a change. I'm looking to make a change in my life. The way I think, feel, act to attract and receive all that I want and get rid of what I don't want. Today marks the beginning of a new life for me, a new me.

Purpose of These Blogs

2009-11-09T11:49:00.000-05:00

I was watching Julie/Julia last night and got the idea from her to start a blog. Guess I'm a little late on doing this since people have been blogging for quite some time now. I am looking to share my feelings, thoughts, and emotions and maybe receive feedback. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. I'm going to my psychotherapy sessions, seeing my psychiatrist, and am on medication treatment. The only thing I'm lacking is other people like me. I want to see if other people feel the same way I do at times.