One-Sentence Movie Reviews

The Hellstrom Chronicle

2012-01-30T23:17:00.001-08:00

The Hellstrom Chronicle (1971) – This fascinating documentary combines spectacular microscopic and telescopic footage of some of nature’s most amazing and brutally violent creatures with smart horror sensibilities and some quite reasonable philosophizing on the nature of existence; the only knock on it (a slight one) is the dated sound effects and music. 8

Marley & Me

2012-01-26T19:40:00.001-08:00

Marley & Me (2008) – The characters and relationships are realistic, and Wilson’s character is completely sympathetic, but this sometimes amusing but frequently obvious film tries to do way too much and ends up being meandering and overlong, and the final act shamelessly and flagrantly yanks for the heartstrings. 6

Trinity and Beyond: The Atomic Bomb Movie

2012-01-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

Trinity and Beyond: The Atomic Bomb Movie (1995) – This documentary of nuclear weapon development and testing during the ’40s, ’50s, and ’60s features stunning visuals and does a good job of presenting the facts without editorializing, although these efforts are undermined by the score, which is bombastically melodramatic (not terrible, just ill-fitting). 7

El Rey de la Montaña

2012-01-20T08:18:00.001-08:00

El Rey de la Montaña (2007) – It has a reasonably fresh, throwback-70’s concept – something like Deliverance or Duel with snipers – but with no sympathetic characters and scant character development, it just doesn’t feel like it has a great deal of purpose; the cinematography is the highlight. 5

Cowboys & Aliens

2012-01-13T10:07:00.001-08:00

Cowboys & Aliens (2011) – It actually starts to shape up as a pretty good Western before the aliens show up, at which point it abandons all focus on character and coherent story and becomes a pedestrian, periodically stupid action movie; it’s always good to see Harrison Ford, but his character is written so inconsistently as to be almost bi-polar. 5

Apollo 18

2012-01-09T20:40:00.001-08:00

Apollo 18 (2011) – It feels like there’s a neat idea here trying to get out, but it never manages to do much of anything, and it generates zero suspense; given the direction and lack of attention to detail, framing this as found footage makes a run-of-the-mill science fiction idea feel completely preposterous. 4

Session 9

2012-01-06T20:41:00.000-08:00

Session 9 (2001) – The setting and atmosphere are phenomenal, but the film doesn’t do anywhere near enough with the story, and the payoff is entirely inadequate; for being on such a crazy deadline, these people never actually seem interested in doing much work. 5

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

2012-01-04T10:35:00.000-08:00

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) – This is a very fun, very entertaining adventure movie; the lowlights include Kevin Costner’s accent and Alan Rickman’s perm, but you can’t have everything. 7

Tangled

2012-01-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

Tangled (2010) – The animation is quite impressive, especially with the hair, but the story is tiresomely predictable, the songs are uninspired, and the script is geared squarely toward kids only. 5

The Longshots

2011-12-28T21:36:00.000-08:00

The Longshots (2008) – Here’s yet another predictable, clichéd sports movie; this one is sappy, but well-intentioned and watchable; Fred Durst does not impress as a director. 5

The Lion King

2011-12-27T22:55:00.001-08:00

The Lion King (1994) – Lacking only a more developed story, the great songs, smart Shakespeare-lite script, and brilliant color palette place this film in the ranks of Disney’s greats (let’s set aside whether or not it rips off Kimba the White Lion); since it came out, Disney hasn’t made a better cartoon. 7

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

2011-12-22T09:00:00.001-08:00

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) – Yates creates an excellent visual style and strikes an emotionally weighty balance between action and story; the script smoothes out many of the book’s flaws; except for some bits of cheese in the final act, this is about as good an adaptation as could have been asked for. 7

The Lost Future

2011-12-21T22:20:00.000-08:00

The Lost Future (2010) – The post-apocalyptic cavemen and zombie orc pestilence make for a neat concept that starts well, drags a bit here and there, and ends a little tidily; it’s entertaining enough, though, largely for what it hints at, and most of the acting is decent; as SyFy original movies go, you could do a whole lot worse. 6

Master of the Flying Guillotine

2011-12-13T21:19:00.001-08:00

Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976) – This is an absolutely bananas martial arts fantasy with a good variety of weapons and styles ranging from the realistic to the fantastical (including, for example, the inspiration for Street Fighter’s Dhalsim – heck, it’s probably inspired every fighting game ever made to one degree or another); it’s got some great choreography, too, even it if isn’t always well executed. 7

Commando

2011-12-12T22:00:00.001-08:00

Commando (1985) – With its many cheesy (yet humorous) one-liners, the absurd villain with the crocheted chain mail vest, the astronomical body count, and the near-constant ridiculousness (reloading is for sissies anyhow), this film is at the pinnacle of its ludicrous 80’s genre, but it’s also one of the most purely entertaining action movies ever; it’s got kind of an interesting steel drum score going for it, too. 7

Total Recall

2011-12-11T19:47:00.000-08:00

Total Recall (1990) – This is an intelligent piece of multiple-interpretation science fiction with a good script, good pacing, and good action; there’s a little silliness in the last twenty minutes, but it’s nothing unforgivable. 7

House of Traps

2011-12-08T21:34:00.000-08:00

House of Traps (1982) – Yes, it’s comic booky and the costumes are ludicrous, but it’s got decent intrigue and some solid kung fu action, and Philip Kwok is the highlight of a host of colorful characters; so…the guards stay in those closets all day, or what? 6

Super 8

2011-12-05T18:52:00.001-08:00

Super 8 (2011) – It has Spielberg’s fondness for adolescence and it has some atmosphere, but it has trouble establishing its own identity: it’s derivative of too many other works, Spielberg’s and otherwise; it wants to be Stand by Me and a sci-fi thriller at the same time, but doesn’t manage to be either, and as a result, it’s never very compelling; it’s more interested in exploring emotions than telling a story, and the ending is particularly flat; the train wreck at the beginning is overdone to a Michael Bayan degree. 6

Conan the Barbarian

2011-11-29T22:03:00.001-08:00

Conan the Barbarian (2011) – This is a good looking film that starts off well, and it has all the blood and guts and bare bosoms you’d expect, plus some visceral energy (but why is Morgan Freeman the narrator?); it even has some flashes of brilliance, but as many or more flashes of terribleness; moreover, the dreadful dialogue, clichéd script, and utter lack of a cohesive narrative make it inexcusably generic. 5

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

2011-11-22T22:41:00.000-08:00

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) – This one takes the silliness up a good notch from its predecessors, and what little story there is is just a MacGuffin quest from one loud action sequence to the next; nevertheless, it’s passably entertaining on the sheer force of its presentation (it does have great effects) and the zany antics of its characters (Rush is really chewing the scenery here), although these latter are wearing a bit thin; Bloom and Knightley are not missed at all. 6

Green Lantern

2011-11-18T11:58:00.001-08:00

Green Lantern (2011) – It’s so over-reliant on CGI it might as well have been a cartoon, but it’s well directed, and the Green Lantern ring and Corps are such solid concepts that the movie is enjoyable for their sakes; the cosmic setting is a breath of fresh air as well; with a creative script and a more compelling story we might really have had something. 6

Bunraku

2011-11-16T09:35:00.001-08:00

Bunraku (2010) – The papercraft set design is an impressive and stylish highlight; unfortunately, the rest of this overlong, Afro Samurai-emulating film is little more than a string of cool but tedious fights strung together against a paper-thin backdrop of worn-out story elements. 5

The Petrified Forest

2011-11-10T12:40:00.001-08:00

The Petrified Forest (1936) – This is a well-acted film notable for Humphrey Bogart’s breakthrough performance, but it’s marred by poor external set design, goofy supporting characters, general sappiness, and a great deal of stilted dialogue that hasn’t translated well from the stage (although there are some clever one-liners). 6

Captain America: The First Avenger

2011-11-07T19:19:00.001-08:00

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) – While this entry in the increasingly oversaturated superhero genre occasionally gets a little too absurd, the cast, characters, and setting make it thoroughly enjoyable (it does a good job capturing the spirit of the period); it’s refreshing to see a compelling non-Joker villain in a superhero movie (for the first half, anyway) – it’s been awhile. 7

Tron: Legacy

2011-11-04T08:58:00.001-07:00

Tron: Legacy (2010) – The good score and excellent visual style go a long way toward overcoming what is too often a lazy, silly (but impressively dark) script; the whole thing is swimming with untapped potential and references to greater works. 6