Instructions for Tom

Instruction #89: I am even going to update all of my other blogs to show you how wrong you are.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 02:46:00 +0000

You think I won't update 1001 Things I Love?

Well, I will.

You could not be any more wrong.

And while I'm at it I will also update:

Big City Mom

Random Handprints

I Love My Brother and Sister

Learning to Hula Hoop

Bear-Trax

Westchester Confidential

Larchmont Mom

Compact Mom

and maybe even

Cheesehaters.

To imagine you even think I won't keep my new blog up.

Where in f&*k's sake do you get a dumb idea like that?

And now if you'll excuse me, I have a (super awesome) new blog to update.

Instruction #88: You are so not getting featured on my (super awesome) new blog.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 02:42:00 +0000

Seriously.

It's called 1001 Things I LOVE, and not 1001 Ways My Husband is an Ass About My (Super Awesome) New Blog.

Instruction #87: You are sorta a jerk for suggesting my new blog will fail.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 02:36:00 +0000

Or, to use your exact words:

"I think your new blog will be a failure."

Me, stunned silence. So you clarify:

"Make that an abject failure."

More stunned silence. So you decide to end with:

"I'm sorry. You'll never update it."

Ha, you couldn't be more wrong!

Not only do I have time to update my (super awesome) new blog, I even found the time to update this old favorite!

So, let the unsanitized instructions be resurrected!

Viva la instructiones les toms!

Instruction #86: "iPad" is not just a fancy word for "Alarm Clock"

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 14:14:00 +0000

Your iPad can do some other stuff besides being an alarm clock. Other stuff besides showing today's date. Besides showing the weather.

You are reminding me of when on Seinfeld Jerry's dad would only use The Wizard to calculate tips. If you never follow any of my other instructions, please just follow this one: You don't want to be Morty.

Instruction #85: I know the difference between inequity and iniquity.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 17:21:00 +0000

YOU IDIOT. I was being funny. Iniquity I said, instead of inequity, because once again you are off playing poker in Atlantic City and I am home watching YOUR kids. This is what makes it funny - that in addition to the obvious inequity of the situation there is also quite a bit of iniquity going on with the illicit gambling and all.

Instruction #84: Some tips for a smoother Vegas trip in 2012.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 03:17:00 +0000

Here are my tips:

1. Provide pre-trip present to wife.
2. Provide in-trip present to wife.
3. Provide post-trip present to wife.

At all times compliment her on her never ending kindness and patience for watching children while you gallivant and gamble.

Repeat.

Instruction #83: This year is not a good year to take a vacation to Las Vegas.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 01:18:00 +0000

And I will admit, last year wasn't either. And probably next year won't be either. But these be the facts of your life. We have little kids. And there are three of them. So while there may be entire decades of your life when you can wander off to Vegas and no will will mind (or care for that matter) that is still a few years away.

Last year, you went to Vegas with my dear sweet self EIGHT months pregnant in addition to the two kids under six you left behind for me to take care of all by myself. And then you came back a day later then planned. Good times.

However, this year, I think you might have managed to even top last year by leaving me with the 9 month old baby and the 4 and 6 year olds, but it's hard to say if this is even any worse then the year you left me with an 8 month old and a 2-and-a-half year old. Again, good times. Especially when you tack on an extra day to the end. Or come home tired from "too much Vegas" as you always lovingly put it. Yeah, I'm tired from too much momming!

Good times them all, but I do think you need to take a break from the Vegas jaunts. Maybe for just one measly year, and then the little guy will be 3, and that should be manageable enough for me to handle. But here I am asking you a whole year in advance, take next year off. Tell your beloved desert queen you'll see her in 2012. And maybe then for the first time you can go with my blessing.

Instruction #82: You should watch Shrek 4.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Mon, 31 May 2010 20:24:00 +0000

You should take some time out of your "busy" schedule to go see Shrek 4. Not because it is a good movie (it's not) but because it is an excellent cautionary tale for you.

In the movie, (Note: Spoiler Alert!) Shrek doesn't appreciate his lovely ogress wife Fiona or his adorable ogre children Fergus, Farkle and Felicia, so he engages in a bad trade with Rumpelstiltskin for a day without his wife and kids in which Shrek gets to do whatever he wants.

And how Shrek enjoys his day. But then it's time to pay-up, and Rumpelstiltskin through some particularly dastardly trickery steals Shrek's family by making Shrek never be born. And then.... Shrek realizes he had everything he had ever wanted in his life and had not appreciated it. And he realized he would do ANYTHING to get it back. Next ensues a lot of trouble and hassle getting his life back.

So skip the complicated part where you realize how completely and utterly fantastic your swamp life is and appreciate it now.

Or, you could just go to Vegas for a week to do whatever you want and leave your over-worked wife with three kids under 7. Your choice.

Instruction #82: Even if it is your policy to never help around the house, you can make an exception on Mother's Day.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Mon, 10 May 2010 01:18:00 +0000

It is especially welcome to help slightly on this most special of days when your wife has made several passive-aggressive remarks, and then even switched over to straight-out aggressive requests for you to do the dishes.

But I congratulate you that you have made true your daughter's adage "he never gets out of his chair for anything!" Bravo that you have chosen your usual chair and computer over the exciting change of pace that would be clearing the dinner plates from the dining room, carrying them to the kitchen, washing them in the sink, and then loading them in the dishwasher.

So enjoy your evening as you do every night with your beloved chair and computer, and I will go enjoy mine like I do every night with my beloved dirty dishes, but it might be nice if one night a year we switched it up just to be all crazy and shit.

Instruction #81: Please call and let me know when you're leaving the office.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Wed, 05 May 2010 00:54:00 +0000

I like to know what time you're coming home, even if it is just the most rudimentary of guesstimates since you don't know what the traffic will be like. Still, I like to know when you leave work. Because there are little people here, three of them in fact, who really like to see you before they go to sleep. And there is one full-grown person who also sort-of likes to see you too.

Instruction #80: Trash still needs to find its way out of our house and into the garbage cans outside.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Tue, 04 May 2010 02:52:00 +0000

Maybe one day we will be master composters. Maybe one day we will have a domestic employee whose sole job is waste removal. We could call him the Trash Butler, or maybe the Rubbish Ambassador. These details can be worked out at a later date.

But as of now, we just have me. And you. And the trash. That is inside our house and needs -- some way, any way -- to get outside our house and into the trash cans.

And as an extra free instruction, if you smell something that smells like (you guessed it!) trash, it is trash. That needs to go out!

Instruction #79: You can't throw ice in the trash.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 01:28:00 +0000

Actually, let me clarify. You can - and do - throw ice in the trash on a regular basis. What you cannot do is throw ice in the trash and have it not make the trash leak. Because the ice melts between the time you put it in our kitchen trash and someone (that would be me) takes it out the next time trash day rolls around.

And while we're on the subject of the freezing point of water, if you leave your beloved water bottles outside when the temperature reaches - hmmm, how should I put this so you'll understand - BELOW freezing, they will freeze.

Instruction #78: An Accent Rug and a Bath Mat are not the same thing.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 00:49:00 +0000

This is what you purchased:It is an accent rug, not a bath mat. While admittedly the two are very similar in size, they are in fact very different. The major difference is that an accent rug, like the one you purchased, has a non-waterproof backing. (I'm not even going to mention that the "soft faux fur" description is also usually a tip-off that something is not meant for a bathroom.).

A bath mat has a waterproof, most likely made of plastic, backing. Though this may seem minor, it is an essential factor in making a bath mat, a bath mat. This waterproof backing is what enables a bath mat to function in the often damp, and even wet environment of a bathroom.

And yes, even if the area rug is displayed in the bath mat section, it's still not a bath mat.

Instruction #77: Do not put Forrest Gump on TV and then leave the room.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 12:42:00 +0000

As we've discussed previously offline, but to my surprise has not yet been formalized here as an instruction, when you leave the TV on and you exit the room and plan to be gone longer then 10 minutes, please tell me. That way I know I can change the channel on the TV. Otherwise, I sit here watching something I don't want to watch, and you're not even watching it! Minutes of my precious life pass by when I could be watching Project Runway, True Blood or Ugly Betty instead of Cops or Forrest Gump.

Instruction #76: You should comment on MY blog.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 12:21:00 +0000

Why do you comment on everyone else's blog, but never mine? Is that fair? Is that right?

I don't think so!

Instruction #60 Revisited: I don't just say museum memberships pay for themselves in two visits - they really do.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 03:34:00 +0000

Just last week, you once again were telling me how there's "no way" a membership to a museum can make sense unless we go there lots and lots of times. And once again I told you, no really, you only have to go once or twice and you break-even. This was discussed at length back in November in Tom's original Instruction #60.

So you can imagine my delight when we visited the New York Hall of Science this past weekend and I was able to photograph this (after, no less, just purchasing a family membership).

Instruction #75: You can't say "we have plenty of time" when you're not doing any of the things to be done in said "plenty of time."

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:09:00 +0000

When it is 11:30 am and we have to do the following before we leave at 1:30pm:

-pick-up the kids from Hebrew School (30 mins)
- feed kids (30 mins)
- feed baby (30 mins)
- change and dress baby (10 mins)
- wrap birthday gift (10 mins if the kids help, 15 if the kids help a lot)
- make or at least sign birthday card (5 - 10 mins)
- finish laundry, including getting Lucy's doll (10 mins)
- pack baby's bag (10 mins)
- get ready ourselves (5 mins me, 15 mins you)

It actually is plenty of time if two people are doing these things, but it is simply not enough time if one person is doing them all herself! I know you can't feed the baby, but couldn't you at least get ready while I'm picking-up the kids from school? Which of course begs the question, couldn't you just pick-up the kids at school?

Instruction #74: Don't delete my comments from your blog.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 02:15:00 +0000

Or, more accurately - comment. The one and only comment I've ever left on your blog and you deleted it just like that. And it wasn't even that bad, just true. And even you know that.

Instruction #73: When I say we're not celebrating a holiday, I really just mean I'm not celebrating the holiday.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 21:21:00 +0000

So, for example, if I say "Let's not do Valentine's Day this year" that doesn't mean you don't have to get me a gift, it just means I'm not getting you a gift.

The same rule applies to "Let's skip our Anniversary," and of course to "I don't need a baby gift, he's the third kid after all."

Breaking News! Someone else has a blog about their annoying husband!

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 21:40:00 +0000

And it's way more popular than mine! And worst of all, I think she is going to get a book deal!

I will admit it's really funny, so you can feel free to be disloyal to The Instructor and check out My Husband is Annoying(TM).

Instruction #72: If I put them on him, the baby's pants are on the right way. You don't need to ask and confirm this.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 13:36:00 +0000

The pant seams are supposed to be on the outside - it's fashion. Yes, even babies need to wear fashionable pants (and I note, the baby owns not even one single pair of front pleat slacks). In the future instead of saying "Hey, looks like you just did a daddy-move! These are on backwards!" take a quick look in the back of the pants for the tag. If it's on the inside, as it was today, then you know the pants are on the right way!

If you want, I can buy this to help you dress the baby.
Though in today's situation, you managed to mangle dressing the baby even though you didn't even dress the baby. hmmm.

Instruction #71: Front pleats on pants are not fashionable.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 16:05:00 +0000

Front pleats have not been fashionable in at least ten years. And even if you wanted to argue a finer point that perhaps there were a few examples where a front pleat was acceptable (on a dark wool suit pant perhaps) they are 100% never allowed on a pair of light khaki pants.

And while we're at it, you can't wear dark socks with light pants. I'm serious about this.

IFT readers can you comment please - are front pleats in fashion? And what about the light pants/dark socks? If I'm wrong I will (grudgingly) accept it and proclaim Tom Chief of the Fashion Police!

Instruction #70: Pastrami Queen not only exists, it exists in Manhattan

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 19:49:00 +0000

On Lexington Ave in fact.

Pastrami KING is on Long Island.

Instruction #69: You should take a moment to read and learn from the children's tale "The Little Red Hen."

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 23:46:00 +0000

If you need a copy, you can read it online at The Little Red Hen - Wikipedia.

And in case you're wondering what it is I'm alluding to, let me help - there will be no muffins for you! And also in case you're wondering, the muffins I made all by myself do have chocolate chips! EXTRA chocolate chips.

Instruction #68: The Eggo waffle factory flood is not a major disaster.

noreply@blogger.com (The Instructor) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 03:29:00 +0000

And, without sounding too insensitive, it is certainly not the biggest natural disaster to occur lately.

For those of you who haven't heard, there is a shortage of Eggo waffles - expected to last until mid-2010 - as a result of a flood in November.

Somehow I think you'll be able to survive without Eggos for a few months.