Intercultural Lovers Advice

What Do I Do to Her Visiting Relatives Who Take Over Our House?

2012-01-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

Dear James and Mirriam,

My wife, a Filipina and I (I am Dutch) live in a spacious condo unit in Makati. Our place is good enough for my three-year-old son, my wife and I. However her relatives visit us at twice a year. We have an extra bedroom for guests but when they come, their minimum number is three. I feel uncomfortable if there are five or more guests, and some have to sleep in our living room, and also stay with us for more than one month. During these relatives' visits I feel like I am invisible. My wife caters to all of their needs, wants and whims, and tells me these are all expected of her. I could understand that they miss each other and they have to catch up with each others' life stories, hence the constant chattering in their dialect, consuming lots of food, drinks, etc. I hate that they also take over my house - they tell my wife how everything should be done like rearranging our furniture; how to 'discipline' our son, how to cook our food; etc. What annoys me is suddenly my wife treats me like a second-class citizen in my own home. She has to cook Nanay or Tatay's favorite food; go to the beauty salon with her sister; go out shopping with everyone; watch Tagalog movies in movie theaters, etc. I feel left out, and all the while I am spending more money for everyday expenses and their shopping, eating out, etc.

My son unwittingly joins the 'snubbing'. He goes out to 'them' for his needs, for his socialization, etc. There are times that I am not able to control myself and become sarcastic to all of them, although I don't think they understand or maybe they just don't care at all. I long for the day when her relatives leave and we are living 'normal' again. I have another worry: Her older sister who had just separated from her husband would like to live with us. She has two sons. I don't like her relatives living with us, especially that they think they have the right to take over my home. What shall I do?

Invisible Husband

Free image from http://acobox.com/node/9121

Dear Invisible Husband,

Have you talked to your wife about how you feel? You and your wife should have a serious talk on how her relatives are damaging your relationship. You should agree on the duration of her relatives' visit; the number of relatives who could visit, etc. Your wife should be able to understand how you feel, and should be considerate enough to have her relatives adjust to your kind of lifestyle. It is not your place to talk with her relatives about your discomfort or annoyance, and your sarcasm is not the right way of expressing your feelings. Your wife should be 'ambassadress' to keep the peace between you and her relatives by catering to your and your son's needs before her relatives' wants and needs.

As regards her sister, if you are not comfortable with her staying with your family, be frank about it. You may help the sister to find a good accommodation, and help financially until she gets a job out of the goodness of your heart, but you're in no obligation to give her support. You and your wife should make it clear to the sister what kind and to what extent you are helping her.

Mirriam

Dear Invisible Husband,

I agree with Mirriam's advice and if that does not work, tell your wife you are consulting a divorce lawyer.

James

Where Do I Look for a Decent Foreigner Lover?

2011-05-23T01:51:00.000-07:00

Dear James and Mirriam,

Chinese ActressZhang Yi and Vivi Nevo

I am a forty-five years old, Asian, single and looking for a partner in life or lover. I was busy with my career - took up MA and MBA and modesty aside, I have a high position in our company. I also took care of my family - sent my younger siblings to college and until now I am helping them financially. I feel that now is the time for me to take care of myself and my happiness too. I prefer foreigners because I have been burned many times by my countrymen. I hate to generalize, but speaking from experiences, I think my 'countrymen' are only after my money. They see me as a prospective sugar mommy! I would like someone to be intimate with, not only physically as in sex, but also intellectually and emotionally. Where do I find them? Friends have told me to go to gyms, bars, or join clubs or organizations where there are lots of foreigners. I have tried going to a bar where there are supposed to be lots of foreigners, but I see most of them with young bar girls, and only one or two would talk to me a bit and won't even offer to buy me a drink. What is your advice?

Mildred Patricia (Patty)

Dear Mildred Patricia,

I admire your fortitude in helping out your family before your own interests, especially concerning the matters of the heart. Your friends are right in advising you where to seek for a foreigner partner/lover. Men, regardless of nationality, would love a person like you who have a big heart. Don't filter out your countrymen altogether as there may be some who are also good as friends and could provide you emotional and intellectual intimacy. Also they could have foreigner friends to introduce you to. Be patient, start with having friends, relax and enjoy yourself with their friendship first. A word of caution: not all foreigners have a good heart and certainly not all could match for your IQ and EQ (emotional quotient). Don't set your standards too high, or you may be in for disappointment.

James

Soprano Star James Gandolfini & Deborah Lin

Dear Patty,

I agree with James' advice. I'd like to add - location, location, location. Don't go to places where the majority of women/girls are younger and prettier, regardless of them being a bar girl, etc. You would like to go to a place where you don't call attention to your age by being compared to younger women. Choose a place classy enough for you, where you could meet classy people, foreigners included. Sleazy bars and seedy places are not good places to look for a partner/lover. You should be in a situation and place where you could shine. Be a member of Toastmasters' Club or any organization that showcases your talents and capabilities. Don't disregard the internet. There are lots of matchmaking websites in internet where you could get to know more men and it's a lot safer too. After knowing someone enough in internet, arrange to meet him in a safe place where you two could get to know each other and could socialize with other people too.

Mirriam

Our Book is out There!

2011-03-16T05:48:00.000-07:00

Have you got our book - Intercultural Love: A Guide That Praises Intercultural Marriage, As Intercultural Diversity Matters Are Discussed.

This book was created in an effort to help Intercultural Relationships build stronger bonds that will enable them to overcome any problems, whether brought about by cultural diversities or other issues. Much of the information in this book can and should be applied to all relationships. However, the focus in writing was on ways of building a sturdy foundation for Intercultural couples to use to carry them through the hard times of life and to optimally enjoy the good times.

Product Details

Paperback: 58 pages
Publisher: CreateSpace (February 9, 2010)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1450565328
ISBN-13: 978-1450565325
Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.5 x 0.1 inches
Shipping Weight: 4.5 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)

Don't Hate Me Because I am Beautiful!

2010-09-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

Dear James and Mirriam,

I am a young bride, married to a foreigner who people sometimes mistake as my father. When he was still courting me I got the impression that he was well-off. I was not overly in love with him, in fact I was fancying a younger man. I was working in a bar when we met. I was young and I did not intend to work in a bar in a foreign country too. This man who became my husband helped me to get out from that bar and together we returned to my country. We got married, we live comfortably but I miss the days when I was an entertainer and clients give me a huge tip for a song or for sitting and having drinks with them.

We came to know another couple whom we treated as our parents. They were older, wiser, and they were nice to us. They are also well-off. We always went out together in excursions, in bar hopping, etc. One time, the wife went to the city to attend a convention and the old man and us, together with another couple went bar-hopping. I saw that the husband was a little lonely so I did my best to humor him. He was agreeable and even more well-behaved when his wife is not around. He and his wife, although they love each other very much, are always bickering in public and we find it amusing. The husband liked the attention I gave him and I was happy that he warmed up to me.

The problem is I developed a schoolgirl crush on the husband and the wife noticed. I made the mistake too of posting on my Facebook status what I feel about the whole situation, how I feel about him. I guess the wife got pissed off (we are Facebook buddies) as she avoided our company, although the husband still went with us. My husband and I noticed the wife's avoidance so we did not invite her anymore to join us, and instead invited the husband only. There was one time when we saw them in a bar and we decided to join this husband and wife with another couple. We observed that the wife was uncomfortable and decided to go home, telling us that she was not feeling well. The husband went home with her. Each time we see them, the wife feigns sickness or something and would like to go home alone. We have no problem about that but the husband always decides to go home with her too. I don't like to lose our friendship with them, and I even posted in my Facebook status that I am so in love with my husband and I am contented with our life and financial status. My husband also posted in his Facebook status that he loves me so much. I am trying my best not to flirt with the husband anymore, but can I help it if he looks my way? I am very attractive, modesty aside. I am an eye candy - I fix my long hair and everyone looks at how I expertly I tie my gorgeous hair in a bun; I look at the men sideways and they can't resist looking at me the whole evening; I smile at them with a naughty hint and men approach me, hover around me, even with my husband around. Even in cyper space chat room, I have many admirers. Some would even send me money, laptop, Blackberry, etc., but of course I can't take them as my husband will find out I am chatting in internet with other men while he's sleeping. Back to my problem, can't the wife just forget the whole thing and be the friend that I used to have? I miss our friendship - she used to give me nice trinkets; treat me to nice restos; listen to my stories about my other admirers; give advice when my husband and I are fighting, etc.

Don't Hate Me Because I am Beautiful

Advice from Mirriam:

Dear Don't Hate Me Because I am Beautiful,

Give the wife peace. How can you expect to be friends with the wife whose husband you flirted with? And as you said, you are trying not to flirt with the husband anymore, but everyone could see that you are a natural flirt. The wife tolerated your flirtation before, because they were directed to other men. Being a friend of hers before, she must have known your tricks already. Your crush on the old man may be borne out of your fantasies of having a luxurious life with him as you said they are well-off. Put yourself in the wife's shoes, do you think that trust could be restored after this? Don't count on it. Be grateful that she did not pull your hair. Be grateful that you have a tolerant husband. Count your blessings. Let this experience be a lesson to you. Don't flirt with your friend's husband, don't flirt with any other men. There are good subtle flirtations which could make the other person feel good, like what you did when the wife was away, but bringing it to another level which I assumed you did as you admitted you developed a crush on the husband is not acceptable.

Mirriam

Advice from James:

Dear Don't Hate Me Because I am Beautiful,

What is your husband's stand on this? Mirriam is right, count your blessings. You have a husband who loves you unconditionally. Stop the flirtation with other men and grow up. Your husband may not be able to give you the luxuries and the money that you used to enjoy when you were an entertainer, but you and him are building your life together now. Your husband is thinking long term - your life together for fifty years or so, not an hour of entertainment in a bar.

You and your husband invited the husband only - do you think he will enjoy and will be comfortable being with you and your husband while his wife is waiting at home?

And what's this business of chatting with other men in cyber space? Are you still looking? Devote your time to more productive stuff, like keeping your house, learning to cook, educating yourself, reading worthwhile books, etc.

Beauty and youth will fade, build a good character.

I Carry the Universe on my Shoulder

2010-02-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

Dear James and Miriam,

I am a 26 year old, female, Amerasian, tall and good looking, and so confused. My best friend who used to be my boyfriend just left in order to start life anew in the rural areas without me, without anyone. He is a foreigner. I met him when I was a high school student. He promised we will be together 'til death do us part, and we decided to start a new business together. He bought a building and had me as the owner of the building in all the legal papers as foreigners are not allowed to buy real estate properties here in the Philippines. He opened a girlie bar in the first floor of that building, and hotel rooms on the 2nd and 3rd floors. We tried to make our business flourish. We worked day and night for our business. The girls that my boyfriend hired as dancers and waitresses also worked hard to seduce my boyfriend until one of them succeeded. They became 'steady' too. I was so devastated, I started working as a sex worker in his bar until I met an older man who took me away from the bar. The relationship did not last. Three more men came and went in my life. The reason my relationship don't last is because they can't keep up with my family's expenses. I am the sole breadwinner of our family. My mother, an ex bar girl stays at home now, and I also send my 23-year-old brother to school. My mother and I started several home businesses but they failed. My brother is too lazy to do his school work and is still finishing his high school. I have not finished high school as I have to earn a living for my family.
One of my conditions with any of the men who has relationship with me is that they also provide for my family. They don't seem to understand the Filipino value of helping out the family. . My first boyfriend and I became friends again after his failed relationships with several other girls after me. The building he bought is still in my name and he has entrusted me to be the building administrator as he is having the building for rent now. I feel sad that things did not work out between the two of us. I feel sad that after our strings of relationships with other people both of us are still loveless and looking. I have lost interest with men, my only concern now is earning for my family. I will be working again as a sex worker. I feel old, I feel like changing gender, I would like a change of lifestyle too as my ex boyfriend is doing now, but I have a big responsibility to earn for my family. What shall I do?

Trina, the Woman Atlas

From James:

Dear Trina,

You don't have to change gender in order to change your luck. What you have to change is your family's treatment of you as the beast of burden. Is your mother too old to move or is she invalid? If she is not, she could still work - maybe not as a bar girl or sex worker but other kind of jobs like sales girl, housekeeper, or market vendor, etc. Your 23-year-old brother could take care of himself too, and could maybe help your mom and you too, even without him finishing college. He could work and study at the same time if he likes.
We foreigners don't relish providing for the whole family of our wife or girlfriend especially so if they could fend for themselves. We encourage financial independence and responsibility. Be assertive to your family. Discuss with your family ways they could help themselves. Give them a time frame in order for them to be financially independent. You have to live life for yourself too. In order for you to help others you must help yourself first. Don't sabotage a chance of a happy relationship by having your boyfriend provide for your family.

James

From Mirriam:

Dear Trina,

My heart goes out to you. It must be sad to see the old boyfriend go. You are still lucky as he gave you the responsibility as the building administrator. You are earning money as such, right? If you don't, you must ask for your rightful commission or salary.
Yes, as James said, you must discuss with your family that you can not be the bread winner for the whole family. You could help them now and then, but you should assert that each one of you should earn a living and be financially independent. Tell your brother to take responsibility. Have your mom understand that in order for you and everyone to progress is for each one of you to have a source of income. If she is not good in being a business woman, she could work as an employee. Go away if you could in order for your message to your family to sink in. They will not die of hunger, they could fend for themselves. Continue your studies if you can. You are still young and many opportunities could come your way. I wish you lots of luck and God's blessings.

Mirriam

Facebook Bwahaha

2010-02-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

Dear James and Mirriam,

My husband and I have just gotten married, and we are relatively new in this town. I have a new ‘friend’ who turned nasty recently. l added her to my Facebook friends list and recently, one of my old friends e mailed me, told me to check my FB account. This new ‘friend’ gave nasty comments to my pictures. To her, it may be funny, but I and my friends find them insulting and berating. For example, on one of the group picture with my family, she wrote, you are the only person who look different here, “are you an illegitimate child?”. To my husband’s picture at the beach, she wrote, “who is this squid?”, etc. I called her attention to it, e mailed her telling her I don’t like her comments. She apologized and gave me the excuse that she lacked sleep and it affected her judgment. She encouraged me to post more pictures so she could give nice comments. She was also thankful that I called her attention to it, and of course I was happy that I was able to “teach” or help someone to have better manners. I posted some more pictures, and the next comment she gave was, “ You’re hugging a tree, have you mistaken it for Carl, bwahaha” (Carl is my husband), and to my picture, “that’s a cool pose, go ahead and use this pose to more of your pictures, bwahaha”. I am so annoyed with her comments that I deleted her on my FB friends list. I had a showbiz career until I got married, and I know how to pose, I know my good angles, etc. I don’t ‘project’ my showbiz career, I am not a dummy either, and modesty aside, in the looks department, I could still turn heads or cause huge traffic congestion if I come out with my movie star image, lol My husband said that I was unreasonably mean for deleting the nasty friend on my FB friends list. My husband and I did not talk for hours because of this. This nasty friend also sent me SMS reminding me how friends should be supportive of each other, etc. I sent back the SMS to her, telling her that I advise her the same and each time she’ll be mean to me, I will keep sending her the same SMS. She responded that maybe for now, we should avoid seeing each other. I totally agree to that. I know some common friends who don’t talk to her too. Her ploy is to act humble, give gifts of food and travel suvenirs, ‘court’ a person until they become ‘close’ friends, and then the shit hits the fan. She’ll start the verbal abuse to her best friend, which to her is funny. Comments that would annoy or embarrass the person in front of everyone, “What’s your secret, you’ve gained much weight. Maybe you’ve been gobbling too much food, hahaha, ” or to a woman friend who is working out in a gym, “your nails are so pudgy and your shoulders are so broad, you look like a boxer, hahaha’, and to someone in a party, “you don’t know how to use the proper utensils at all. Here, use this fork instead of that knife, hahaha”. I don’t mean to be nasty myself, but she should look at herself in the mirror and she’ll see a pregnant cow. She is old enough to be my mother, she acts and talks like a know-it-all person, giving the impression that she is looking down at you. She has pretensions of being a chef in foreign lands when in fact she worked only as a housemaid in Qatif, Saudi Arabia. She also denies being a bar girl before she met her American boyfriend. I don’t judge people by the jobs they had taken before, and in fact I admire her for her drive to provide a better future to her daughters, being a single parent. Recently my husband is thinking of joining a small group of retired service men wherein we will be having a weekly meeting with this ‘nasty’ friend and her husband among others. I don’t relish her company at all, but I don’t like to be left out of my husband’s social activities. What shall I do?

Young Wife

From James:

Dear Young Wife,

I don’t know what to tell you, this women meanness to each other baffles me, especially how a woman who looks like a pregnant cow be berating others for their looks. Send her a gift - a mirror. If that does not work, just punch her on her nose, that a language she’ll understand.

James

From Mirriam:

Dear young wife,

I think your nasty friend has a psychological problem. It could be that she has experienced this kind of abuse when she was young, and she may not understand why she is sabotaging her relationship with her friends. You are so gracious as to try to teach her good manners but she needs professional help. I agree with your decision in deleting her from your Facebook friends list. She has psychological problem and it’s not going away until she acknowledges she has this problem and would want to be treated. For now, it’s best to ignore her nasty comments, and to avoid ‘real’ conversation with her. You could say hi or hello, and goodbye in appropriate times, but not more than that. She will try to win you back and when you are happy in your friendship, the vicious cycle will start anew. Save your sanity, you can’t treat a person’s personality disorder despite your good intentions. Smile and be pleasant but be firm in your decision in not going back to the old friendship routine.

Mirriam