tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180662024-08-29T06:41:59.285-04:00LOOK OUT, MAN!Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-80739280083160934582010-10-18T14:54:00.002-04:002010-10-18T14:58:40.564-04:00

TODAY'S LIST OF WORRIES1. My blood pressure2. My parents3. My job is making me crazy4. A general sense of existential dread5. The upcoming election6. My garage needs painting7. Winter is coming8. Are the stitches in my thumb healing properly?9. That I will never finish a novel10. That I will turn into one of these lumpen weirdos at the coffeehouse

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-35850620216423768272010-05-23T20:35:00.002-04:002010-05-23T20:40:08.641-04:00

THINGS AYN RAND PROBABLY NEVER SAID1. "When is someone going to fill those goddamned potholes ... wait...what?"2. "Dagny Taggart? What kind of name is Dagny? How high was I when I wrote that?"3. "You're right -- that sentence does go around and around without making any sense."4. "Enough about the federal reserve; I'm about to go Galt on this sandwich."5. "Sometimes, even I think I'm completely

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-57560236719435369342010-02-16T16:24:00.003-05:002010-02-16T16:42:48.873-05:00

THE TO-DO LIST NEARS COMPLETION490. Clean and disinfect TV remote.491. Ask neighbor about the small crack on his driveway; offer suggestions for repair.492. Go through bandana collection; discard worn out bandanas.493. Wash mailbox.494. Investigate the source of that faint humming sound you only hear once or twice each spring when the windows are open.495. Google that one indie director from that

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-83820952877472193602010-01-30T23:15:00.002-05:002020-12-06T12:09:28.791-05:00

HOW TO WATCH TV Create a new “back story” and make tired old shows interesting again. THE BRADY BUNCH: Mr. Brady’s first wife is named Alice and she lives in a room off the kitchen. No one likes to talk about it. THE DUKES OF HAZZARD: Uncle Jesse is, in fact, reclusive writer J.D. Salinger, whose book, “The Catcher in the Rye,” is considered one of the classic novels of post-war America.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-8365757282248557882009-09-28T14:22:00.003-04:002009-09-28T14:27:28.297-04:00

THINGS THAT ARE MORE FUN IN MOVIES AND ON TV THAN THEY ARE IN REAL LIFE10. Bicycling9. Road trips8. Playing Frisbee7. Music festivals6. The company softball team5. Dinner parties4. Dive bars3. Space travel2. Florida1. The Internet

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-89674611284294393702009-07-15T18:30:00.004-04:002009-07-15T18:39:10.877-04:00

BOILING IT ALL DOWN1. Grilled cheese sandwiches2. Baseball3. Stuff made out of Legos4. My new iPhone5. Getting 8 hours of sleep6. The New Yorker7. Having money in the bank8. Chicago (the city, not the band)9. Elizabeth Shue10. The film "High Fidelity"11. R.E.M.12. Abraham Lincoln

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-77665205456475042042009-05-30T13:49:00.002-04:002009-05-30T13:59:18.813-04:00

MISCELLANYHe began to long for the smell of a lived-in kitchen, where kids run around underfoot and the parents slice vegetables and stir simmering pots and check to see if whatever is in the oven is done. The sink is stained with coffee grounds and the walls are flecked with red spots missed by the dishrag as it hurried by on spaghetti night. Empty wine bottles and old newspapers crowd the

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-63414328999669978202009-05-13T17:57:00.002-04:002009-05-13T18:04:47.507-04:00

ASK ABENative Kentuckian and our 16th president Abraham Lincoln offers wisdom on matters both grave and frivolous. I recently caught my boyfriend kissing my sister. I was furious! But they both say they are sorry, and it would make life a lot easier if I forgave her and took him back. What should I do?When the Civil War ended, it was important that we, as victors, not use the opportunity to mete

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-73558627350410286542009-05-07T11:21:00.002-04:002009-05-07T11:28:25.391-04:00

FIVE THINGS THAT I JUST CAN'T GET USED TO EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME1. Years that start with 20-- instead of 19--2. The fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California3. Having to go to work every day4. R.E.M. without drummer Bill Berry5. Buying things on the Internet

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-54558910495205386302009-05-01T13:28:00.001-04:002009-05-01T13:28:40.269-04:00

FIVE REDEEMING QUALITIES OF THE KENTUCKY DERBYThe first few years, it was a novelty. Over the next 100, it became a tradition. The last 35, it has started to feel like an obligation. Because even Mardi Gras would become a drag if you lived in the French Quarter. Let’s step back a bit and remind ourselves why we should care about this.1. IT’S NOT LIKE OTHER SPORTS. It’s a tiny man strapped to a

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-78562951061787764102009-04-28T15:03:00.002-04:002009-04-28T15:08:38.083-04:00

NATIONS THAT I WAS MILDLY SURPRISED TO DISCOVER HAVE FULLY FUNCTIONING AIR FORCES1. Qatar2. Singapore3. Honduras4. Belgium5. Togo

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-62913447314842682312009-04-19T12:59:00.002-04:002009-04-19T13:00:25.781-04:00

FIVE NICKNAMES GIVEN TO ME BY HOMELESS GENTLEMEN01. Big Guy02. Big Fella03. Big Man04. Mister Big05. Big Dawg

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-79072586725663136572009-01-29T17:36:00.002-05:002009-01-29T17:47:37.391-05:00

ASK ABEI occasionally write an advice column for Velocity magazine under the guise of President Abraham Lincoln. Some people know this, some don't. Here are a few recent columns.This snow is a real headache! I was a half hour late for work this morning because of it. Do you have any tips for coping with the snow and ice?Verily, a wintry day can be a trial for the unprepared citizenry. When I was

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-43522657052517714992008-12-18T14:24:00.002-05:002008-12-18T15:36:18.253-05:00

RANDOM LINES FROM WIKIPEDIA01. "When young he would often make his own puppet theater to amuse himself."02. "Controversy arose when it was claimed that Heather had tried to sleep with Vanilla Ice during the filming of another VH1 reality show, 'The Surreal Life: Fame Games'."03. "He recorded watersounds from a bucket of water and played sounds on a homemade bamboo flute."04. "Prince Bernhard von

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-34194425017521883322008-12-02T13:58:00.001-05:002008-12-25T23:06:08.254-05:00

CAPTIONS FOR NEW YORKER CARTOONS THAT HAVE YET TO BE DRAWN: A FREE SERVICE01. "That's the last time I ever open my mouth in a meeting."02. "When I said 'Sell everything,' I didn't mean everything."03. "But honey, Obama said the country needs to become more unified."04. "I'm resigning to spend more time with my Second Life family."05. "He's not a guide dog, per se, but he does know a lot about art

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-53163740185526754512008-11-29T13:00:00.001-05:002008-11-29T13:39:17.974-05:00

CELEBRITY LAST NAMES THAT COULD BE CONFUSED FOR AN OBSCURE SPECIES OF PLANT OR ANIMAL01. Wopat02. Sambora03. Bakula04. Dratch05. Grohl06. Kutcher07. Stipe08. Dench

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-10609536054692951642008-10-31T12:35:00.000-04:002008-10-31T13:00:39.905-04:00

RACE HORSE NAMES TO STEER CLEAR OF SHOULD YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE MIDST OF A FEDERAL CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION1. Tax Cheat2. Osama's Pal3. Offshore Account4. Daddy's Little Meth Lab5. Bail Jumper6. Shesburiedinthecellar

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-3798674190700031722008-10-14T02:22:00.000-04:002008-10-14T02:28:23.179-04:00

WORDS AND PHRASES THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO APPEAR IN YOUR OBITUARY1. "treasonous"2. "gambling debts"3. "oft-divorced"4. "drunken"5. "imprisoned several times"6. "his good friend, O.J. Simpson"7. "dog killer"8. "sought by the government"9. "doughy"10. "dismembered and lying in a ditch"

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-90617888057989979822008-10-01T18:35:00.006-04:002008-10-01T19:48:25.714-04:00

CREATIVE WRITING EXERCISESFall 2008Instructor: NordLength: 300 words eachDue: Tuesday, October 71. Imagine that there is no such thing as a garbage can. You must carry all your refuse in a bag, that can only be emptied once a week down at the town hall. What would that be like? Weird, I bet.2. A man with an eye patch and hook for a hand sits down at the bar next to you. He has an amazing story to

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-81754690759961158952008-08-29T12:09:00.001-04:002008-09-01T13:18:32.947-04:00

MOVIES THAT WOULD MAKE FOR EXCELLENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING PROGRAMS, BASED ON A RECENT AFTERNOON SPENT WATCHING "REMEMBER THE TITANS" WITH 25 CO-WORKERS IN A CONFERENCE ROOM AT THE COMPANY WHERE I AM EMPLOYED.1. "Sink or Swim: What 'Titanic' Teaches Us About Teamwork"2. "No One Is Indispensable: Management Lessons from 'Schindler's List' "3. "Run (insert your name here), Run! Motivating Employees

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-42493909716563553422008-06-18T09:46:00.002-04:002008-06-18T20:18:11.398-04:00

POPULAR FILMS AND THEIR TITLES IF THEY WERE ACTUALLY 1970s SITCOMS1. "That Sinking Feeling" ("Titanic")2. "Rap It Up" ("8 Mile")3. "Checking In" ("Psycho")4. "Knocked Out" ("Raging Bull")5. "Who's Da Boss?" ("The Godfather")6. "Up the River" ("Apocalypse Now")7. "Daddy's Boy" ("The Passion of the Christ")8. "Working It Out" ("Schindler's List")9. "Driving Me Crazy" ("Taxi Driver")10. "Boy, Oh Boy

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-54175147642301996892008-04-28T12:10:00.000-04:002008-04-28T12:37:55.262-04:00

KENTUCKY DERBY MIXTAPE"The Race Is On," George Jones"Dead Flowers," The Rolling Stones"Central Avenue," Love Jones"Mustang Sally," Wilson Pickett"Run Dusty Run," The Long Ryders"A Horse With No Name," America"Stewball," Peter, Paul & Mary"Don't Run Wild," The Del Fuegos"Fugue for Tinhorns," Frank Sinatra"Back in the Saddle Again," Gene Autry"The Bottom Line," Big Audio Dynamite"One Mint

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-83595467520107160292008-04-23T19:51:00.000-04:002008-05-28T11:24:07.706-04:00

DEBUNKED!SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN1. He did not invent the sawhorse.2. He does not subsist on a diet consisting entirely of Hot Pockets and Cherry Coke.3. His teeth are not made from whale bone.4. He did not write the original draft of the screenplay for "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."5. He never dated actress Julia Roberts.6. He cannot tell someone's weight simply by shaking their

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-35876563061478943802008-04-15T18:57:00.001-04:002008-04-16T12:54:59.334-04:00

THINGS I HAVE AGREED TO DO DURING A LONG NIGHT OF DRINKING1. Buy someone's pickup truck2. Take a month-long trip to India3. Quit my job to start an advertising firm with two other guys4. Play in a fantasy baseball league5. Attend a Bruce Hornsby concert6. Move to New York City and start all over7. Paint someone's kitchen8. Adopt a puppy9. Invest in a chain of for-profit haunted houses10. Start a

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-64611442685122451242008-01-26T18:20:00.001-05:002008-12-25T23:06:56.978-05:00

A MAN ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN THE GAME OF RACQUETBALL TO HIS KITTEN, MISTER SNEAKYPANTSOkay, the first thing is the racquet. They have gotten bigger and bigger over the years, but I prefer something medium-sized, because you get better control … No, Mister Sneakypants, NO! -- that’s not a mousy! NO! NO! pay attention to Papa … um, so anyway, you get better control, which is very important when it

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1