It’s not surprising that Facebook plays a role in so many divorces today. I would not be too quick to suggest that couples ban Facebook from their lives because I am not so sure those same people won’t end up lawyering up anyway, but I would suggest that it become a topic of discussion among couples. Let’s look at the reasons Facebook is causing marital trouble and how to prevent that trouble:

1. Facebook allows us to effortlessly maintain contact with anyone we were ever in a relationship with! For those of us who are a bit older, think of it like the pile of photos of an old flame you may have stored somewhere. Some may feel they should toss those photos out. Some are happy to keep them in a box stored away in the attic. For most, they may just be a nice memory of younger days. But old photos don’t exist for today’s young couples. Their memories are all stored conveniently, at hands reach, on the Facebook timeline. THey don’t even have time to turn into memories because they keep living on. As old boyfriends update their status — a new job, pictures of a new girlfriend, a birthday celebration with a family you used to feel a part of — you are constantly reminded of what you left behind – or at least that may be how it feels to your new husband.

So what do you do? You talk about it. Even if it is awkward.

Couples should agree on a set of rules about keeping in touch with old boyfriends and girlfriends. Every situation is unique. But be honest with each other and respect each others concerns. Sometimes, it’s just better to “unfriend” someone and avoid any potential jealousy.

2.  Many people feel that flirting on Facebook is harmless. But a spouse may not agree. Just like you (hopefully) would not openly flirt with a girl sitting at the table next to you while out to dinner with your wife, you may want to think twice about flirting online from the comfort of your own home. It can be insulting and even dangerous. Online relationships can become intense even if you never meet the person face to face. If you find that you are drawn to such interactions, take some time to consider why that is happening. It may be an indication of a real problem.

3. Many people report feeling actual symptoms of addiction to Facebook. Checking into Facebook constantly throughout the day, uploading photos and videos of everything, changing status multiple times through the day. It can easily interfere with real life. In general, spending too much time online is not healthy. It’s not good for your physical well-being and it can dampen a relationship. With the current smartphone revolution, it is not uncommon to see couples out on a date but spending most of their time texting to friends or playing with some new app.

So what do you do? If you are the compulsive digital type, work on reducing your screen time. Just think of it as being considerate. When you are together and talking – don’t start texting, updating your status, answering calls constantly. And certainly don’t interrupt intimate moments for Facebook! If it’s your spouse who is spending too much time on Facebook or other online activities, tell him. Explain how it makes you feel and let him know that you are interested in spending quality time together.

To know if a porn filter is going to be effective for your needs, there are a few key issues you need to know to help you choose the best porn filter.

1. Does the porn filter use a database?
Most porn filter vendors do not mention how the filter actually works. Why? Because it may not be a terrifically impressive story to tell. The majority of porn filters filter based on a URL database. That means that they have gathered or purchased a database of pornography websites that they know should be blocked due to the type of content they include. This means that there will always be a significant volume of sites that get through the filter since they are not updated in the database. Further, it can mean that many sites that are not porn sites, but contain porn-like content on pages within the site, are likely to get through the filter.

2. Does the porn filter use technology to block pornography?
A true filter, has the capability to work on-the-fly. This means that any page requested with pornography content, no matter when it was created or whether it has been previously reviewed, will be caught by the filter. How? A Few porn filters are using a type of artificial intelligence that allows the filter to work on-the-fly and scan each incoming request.

3. Does the porn filter use both a database and technology to filter content?
Since scanning each and every request can be cumbersome and time consuming, in order to reduce the likelihood of browsing delays, filter engines may have a mechanism to streamline the process. Furthermore, these sophisticated engines can be self taught and the more users the filter has, the more it learns and can add to it’s own database. A streamlined process may look something like this:

-User makes a request to view a web page.

-Filter checks its database to see if it should be blocked. If yes, it is blocked and this is a very short process (undetectable by the user)

-If the page is not in the database, the filter deploys its scanning engine to review the page for the parameters it knows to be common to pornographic content. That could include language, percentage of page taken up by images, specific colors, layout and many other parameters not noticed by the naked eye.

Today, even with this process added to the browsing time, it should be negligible and completely undetectable by the user.

“I just bought Modern Warfare 2, the game. It is probably the best military simulator out there and it’s one of the hottest games this year. … I see MW2 more as a part of my training-simulation than anything else. I’ve still learned to love it though and especially the multiplayer part is amazing. You can more or less completely simulate actual operations.”

While I would not try to argue that video games drove Breivik to do what he did but this does point to a few important issues worth examining. The Call of Duty was an important training tool for what was a frightening successful attack. This is a man without police or military training after all. So I would suggest considering the idea of allowing children to play such a video game. In general, Breivik mentions being a video game enthusiast and some sites report that he was addicted to World of Warcraft. Again, I am not suggesting those games are responsible for his actions. But I would suggest that the gaming may have contributed to his social alienation that led him to commit such a crime.

Seth’s Story: Overcoming an Addiction to Pornography from Fight the New Drug on Vimeo.

I can’t get my head around the Supreme Court Decision and the way they defended the decision. Antonin Scalia likened the violence in the video games to the violence in fables that previous generations of children had read to them. And all I can say is is WHAT???

Let’s talk specifics here.  One game, examined by the court, involves having the players accumulate points for raping a mother and her daughters. Apparently, according to the distinguished judges, parents have a right to expose their children to these “ideas”.  Yes you read that right — they consider that the themes of rape and murder in these video games to be ideas to which a parent may want to expose his child.

Now this raises two alarms for me. First of all, the law simply prevented stores from selling these games to minors. So in essence, a parent could still buy the game for their children if they were set on exposing them to the ideas contained in the games. So what was the real motivation of appealing the law? Second, if our Supreme Court categorizes rape as an idea to which a parent can expose their child, then where does the line get drawn? It seems to me that it opens up the possibility for protecting the right of adults to expose children to pornography as well. I mean, is there a difference between rape and porn in a video game? Is it really only a parent’s decision to decide what is appropriate or not for their child? Or does society need to play some role in setting reasonable norms?

When the judges talk about parents, we all automatically imagine  good, caring, responsible people who want to protect their right to raise their children as they see fit. Unfortunately, that’s not realistic. Depraved people have children. Children have children. People who are working too hard to even know what their children are doing during the day, have children.

The American legal system is sending a  frightening message. That anything that some sick , depraved mind may come up with can be offered to the public. That we all have the right to sell that material and to buy that material. And that we simply have to cross our fingers that our own children don’t have to go to school with the kids who play those games, watch those movies, visit those website and are constantly exposed to those “ideas”. And as they become adults, we just have to hope that our adult children don’t fall victim to those who were unfortunate enough to not have anyone looking out for their emotional and sexual health in the digital age.

Call me naive, but why the game manufacturers would take the trouble to contest the law, is beyond my comprehension. Most decent people draw the line somewhere when it comes to profits. Do the game manufacturers really believe, that it’s acceptable for children to be exposed to extreme violence? And not only exposed, like they could be when watching the news — but as an interactive experience intended to be repeated over and over.

As games become increasingly sophisticated, we are not far away from more advanced technology being used to create even more realistic experiences. Just imagine what we are in for.

One key reason that children have parents is because they can’t monitor themselves. It’s not something any parent should expect of a child. If you stick them in a room with a computer and expect them to somehow know where the limits should be, you should be ready to deal with the consequences. But why do that? Why take the risk?

Adults are also becoming addicted to online gaming but at a far lower rate. An adult, who gets into gaming later in life, will most likely have more developed abilities to self-monitor. Adults are more self aware and able to correct their actions. For example, if an adult finds that a late night gaming session has caused them to perform poorly at work the next day due to fatigue, they are more capable of recognizing the problem and simply correcting the behavior — next time they play video games in the evening, they may consciously choose to stop at a reasonable hour in order to get enough sleep. A child or teenager, is obviously less likely to have that ability.

So what are parents supposed to do when they notice their children spending what seems to be a lot of time playing computer games? It’s hard to stand up against the typical responses kids give when they are told to stop playing or to shut off their computer:

“I don’t have anything else to do.”
“So I’ll watch TV instead — will that make you happy?”
“All the other parents let their kids play as much as they want!”
“I’m not bothering anyone – leave me alone.”

Well, ideally, you don’t reach this situation. Ideally, you have clear, simple rules about how much time can be spent online, playing games, using Facebook, etc. Ideally, your kids don’t have a computer in their room or if they do, are not permitted to sit online with the door closed for hours. Ideally, you don’t find yourself in a situation where you have to “take away” Internet privileges because for the child, it will feel like their freedom is being revoked and that is going to be tough on both of you.

So then maybe, if he’s already been given the freedom, just hope he will mature and realize that too much time playing games and sitting in front of the screen is not healthy.

Maybe. But that’s a really big maybe. So if you notice that something does not look right — He comes home from school and goes straight to his room, door closed and he’s playing for hours. She stops seeing friends and prefers to be online. He’s chronically tired. He is behaving in an anti-social manner — then chances are, something is not right.

Get control. Set limits. Spell out guidelines. Be involved. Talk. Express concern. Don’t wait to find out what the consequences could be.

There are a few software companies that are providing a solution for online gamblers. I’ve received some reports from gamblers who have used some of these gambling blockers and they raise some serious questions about how companies can take advantage of someone at a moment of weakness and desperation. So I thought I’d offer some advice.

There are a few products available that exclusively cater to compulsive gamblers seeking help. They all state that once installed, the filter can not be uninstalled during the license period. From a scan of comments and forums from users online, these companies refuse, under any circumstances, to allow the user to uninstall the filter software. I can understand why they do this and even moreso, why this might sound like a great idea to a problem gambler seeking help or a friend of a problem gambler trying to provide help. But as a software professional, I know that this is not a good approach. In fact, it is quite risky, especially for the customer.
Computers and software are never bug free. Just ask anyone who uses a Microsoft product. There has never been a software application that can work seamlessly with absolutely any other given software application on any given operating system. There are too many variables forbidding even the largest companies from testing every possible scenario before releasing a software version. And even if they could – by tomorrow, there are already additional variables out there that can cause a problem. Of course, most well established software vendors provide good solutions that work well on most installations. But even the giants have bugs. So imagine that a user has a gambling filter installed on his computer and one day, something goes wrong. But the filter company will not allow him to uninstall. If they did, after all, every gambler using the product would be tempted to uninstall by calling up the company and claiming that their computer crashes because of the filter.

So how should a gambler stop himself from gambling online? Don’t get me wrong. A web filter that blocks gambling sites is a great idea! Here is my advice, regarding choosing a gambling filter:

1. Know what you are committing to. Preferably get a web filter that offers a free trial so you can test it first.

2. During the testing period, test their support. Ask a question. If it is by email, make sure you get a timely reply that satisfies you. If it is by phone or chat, make sure they solve your problem.

3. Try some workarounds. Contact them to say you have no Internet access since installing. Check how they handle such a scenario. Do they provide uninstallation instructions as soon as you ask? Then it is to easy to uninstall. Do they refuse? Then what would you do if you really had such a situation – reformat your computer? It’s great that they are tough but if the filter could render a computer useless, you’d have to find an alternative Internet access anyway.

4. Those types of web filters, that can not be uninstalled during the license period, may be appealing to a problem gambler who wants to be discreet, but I believe there is nothing wrong with urging the problem gambler to reveal his struggle to at least one person who can be enlisted to provide some support. This way, by involving a sponsor, they can take responsibility for managing the filter and in case of emergency, they can uninstall and reinstall.

5. Consider why you may want to stop using any software product and it is the same for the gambling blocker: not satisfied with the filter, need to move the license to a new computer, need to sell the computer, decision to use another product, software conflict with other applications requires removal . . . If you have a sponsor with the password, that person is capable of deciding if the reason is valid and can reinstall when the time is right.

On one of the sites I reviewed for a Gambling blocker, I could not find a way to contact the company – not by phone and not by email. That really concerned me. I also searched for how to uninstall these programs and found many frustrated users posting on forums. Granted, some are frustrated because they want to gamble and can not, but most seemed to have run into genuine problems with no technical support to assist them.
Bottom line — in theory, it may seem like a good idea to help a compulsive gambler by placing a gambling lock on their computer that can absolutely not be removed. But in reality, software has bugs, no one can predict possible problems in a given installation and no matter what the condition of a customer, if they don’t want to use a product, they need to have the right to uninstall. Preventing workarounds can be easily rectified by bringing a sponsor on to help the problem gambler and be responsible for the web filter.

Here are some of the findings they published in February, 2011:

The Things I was Happy To Hear

• 87% of parents reported having discussed online safety issues with their children.
• 85% of children report limiting entry to their social media profiles and pages to friends and family.

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The Things We All Need to be Really Worried About

• Only 36% of parents use parental controls or web filter software to actively protect their children online.
• 39% of children admitted to using online sites or playing video games that their parents would not approve of them using.
• 67% of children clean their cache so that parents can not check their history to see where they have been online (with a good filter installed parents could still view the history!).
• 36% take absolutely no action to limit or monitor Internet use in their home.
• 44% of parents were not aware of whether their children use privacy setting in their social media profiles to keep strangers out.
• 15% of children admitted to doing something online that was intended to be hurtful to someone else (cyber bullying).

Our children are vulnerable and it is our job as mothers and fathers, educators, etc. to protect them. But we are not. It’s too easy to pass the buck here. Law enforcement have their hands tied until it is too late and something happens. Educators can only do so much to teach kids Internet Safety and as long as no one backs them up, most kids are not going to comply to the warnings and advice. And governments are playing dumb and not taking meaningful action.

The current situation is that unless parents wake up and take responsibility for what their children are doing online, no one else is going to do it. You need to understand that what is available to children and teens – should not be. But it is. And if you don’t take care of ensuring that they are not exposed, they will be. And there are consequences.

Start by installing a web filter. Parental controls can make a very big impact in your ability to manage your family’s Internet use without requiring much effort on your part.