I got to the bar a little early. After I downed my first glass of red, I saw a tiny man enter. Hmm, his face looked familiar, but he was so short there’s no way it could be Sam. Surely this had to be a child in a Sam mask. Before I could ask if his mother knew he was in a bar, he said, “Hey Jen, its Sam.” I deserve an Oscar for not letting my disappointment show. When he shook my hand, my appendage felt like one belonging to a giant. My tiny hand covered his and I couldn’t help but smile. Luckily, I held the fit of laughter in, though again, Oscar worthy.

The evening was pleasant, but if his hands were that small… well you get the point. I usually end up dating liars, but I like to be surprised. If someone is so dumb that they lie about something I am going to indefinitely find out, what other secrets would I uncover? I was not about to wait and find out. I am not sure how he thought I was into him; I can only assume his ego was a little bigger than he was. When he tried to kiss me goodbye, I grabbed his tiny hand and shook it one last time. I said I’d call him, but I’m not sure why. I was bigger than him. End of story.

Finally, I escaped into the first cab I could find and called my mother to share the deets. When I arrived at my apartment, I made a shocking discovery. My wallet was gone. Now most people would think they were robbed, but I know better. My wallet goes “missing” about three times a year, always my fault. The most upsetting part about this was that I would have to call Mr. Tiny to ask if he happened to see it. He didn’t, but that boy was very excited to see me again when I went back to the bar to locate my belongings. I wonder if he knew this was not considered a second date. My vote goes to no.

I found my wallet in the exact location he tried to kiss me, I guess I wasn’t the only one to jump ship.

I just want to point out that neither the back of my left hand or my skull were ever targets of clearly misguided sexual energy, resulting from one’s overly too inflated ego. No way freak show 1 or freak show 2 were up to my standards, and this was pre- hand/skull incidents. If those things didn’t happen to me I would cry LIAR, but they did. The fact that these events happened not even 4 days apart is evidence of the dire dating pool situation . But seriously, have they really run out of regular ways to annoy us and just completing random acts of doucheyness (kindness is a better option fellas) that make no sense, but must take place because my tool of the evening wanted to up the shock factor? Well let me put this myth to bed. I am the shock factor, thus un-shockable. Trust me, I have seen it all. And just to be sure the myth is tucked in, I have one a final point. Insane, preposterous behavior from anyone doesn’t phase me. Thus, if signs of mental defect are evident prior, all it does is prove there is no such thing as a free lunch (dinner/ drinks/ whatever). If the next delusional thinker who is playing make believe date with me touches my knee, I am packing it in, getting a cat, and some Haagen Das.

No volume of astrological research will ever trump a potential mate’s natural identity nor your personal feelings with regard to him. Without romance, faith, and also dedication, no relationship is going to be successful. Nonetheless, a number of the finer factors of astrology can provide guidance for long-term compatibility as well as possible issues that may possibly develop. You should never pick a husband based mostly upon a star chart, but these three simple points are worth considering before you say, “I do.”

In Astrology, Opposites Pull in

You’re undoubtedly a vibrant, comfortable, superb individual, and yet you actually do not would like to marry oneself. The variability a pair of different types of people will give a marriage is a large portion of what will make it prosperous during the end of the day.

The astrology is actually organized in a wheel, having every single sign taking up unique portion. This results in different angles, known as “features,” in between your sign and every different sign in the zodiac. Every single factor provides its own individual aspects of compatibility, or shortage thereof, on the other hand opposite sign–the one particular situated 180 degrees from your own on the wheel–can become your very best loving suit. Your opposite is going to be effective where you stand weaker, and you will probably are likely to accentuate as well as support each other even when your dissimilarities are shocking and exciting.

As an illustration, logical Virgo’s complete opposite is sensitive Pisces. Virgo is actually down-to-earth and contains a can-do qualities as well as inborn motivation. Pisces tends to be a dreamer. With Virgo’s aid, Pisces can begin making plans towards realizing his substantial goals, and Pisces’ charming aspect can inspire self-critical Virgo towards different levels involving self-belief and safety.

Understand Moon Signs

Many people by no means understand more information on astrology than the traits of our own sun signs. Every planet within the solar system, interestingly, is actually included into our horoscope charts, and each of these planets and their situations come jointly to produce substantially larger and more potent images of ourselves than only a zodiac sign only ever could.

In zodiac, the moon symbolizes our inner selves–our feelings, our reactions, our aspirations, and also our minds. You might refer to it as your “genuine” self, fairly compared to the face an individual often show the world. Whatever we think and feel can sometimes be quite different from the way we respond near most people.

We can be strongly drawn to people whose sun signs are generally the same as our own moon signs. Their patterns of conduct can be common uncomplicated to understand because they’re so much like our own innermost thoughts. Getting a occasion to ascertain your personal moon sign using a simple calculator (here is one) can supply interesting insight into the reason you are sometimes drawn in the direction of men and women you’d generally think of astrologically incompatible by sun sign only.

Mars, The Bringer of War

In the zodiac chart, Mars is representative of hostility and turmoil. In a nutshell, the placement regarding Mars in our charts shows our style in the direction of fixing complications. Mars in fiery Aries will be open and confrontational while a placement in fair-minded Libra will tend to see both sides involving the story to make every attempt to avoid hostile struggle.

Why is this crucial when we are trying to find long lasting love? Simple. Though attraction, interest, realizing, and excitement are definitely the bases of an early romance, it is often not until we have been associated for some time that people discover how our partners look at and take care of troubles. Learning about Mars situation in advance can give us a sneak glimpse into our partners’ fighting style well before the chance to notice in action occurs, allowing us to think about upfront the way we will cope with discord by ouselves.

Inevitably, in case you are asking yourself currently, “How do I find a husband?” astrology isn’t going to provide your information. However, when you’ve identified an encouraging prospect, learning a little about the much more complicated portions of astrology can be beneficial in some ways. While it will never be more important as compared to love itself, studying and truly realizing our mates’ inner thoughts, emotions, along with manners can help us get methods ourselves to create strong, lasting bonds, exactly the kind of which great marriages are built.

Well, I connected with this guy. We’ll call him “Tim”. He seemed great, we had a lot in common, and pretty much hit it off. I described myself to him, and my dating site profile actually had pictures, so he could see what I looked like. He told me he was about 6’0, in shape, and very attractive. He said he was single, and wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, just someone to kick it with. I was cool with that, that’s pretty much what I wanted as well.

He lived about 45 minutes from me, and we eventually decided to meet. He had to take the bus to my house since he didn’t drive. He called me, saying “I’m coming down the block”. I peeked out my door, and the only person I could see was this tiny…pint sized person walking toward me. I had to squint my eyes, because from far away, he looked like he could be someone’s 14 year old son.

He finally arrived at my door, and I was floored. Mister 6’0 was really about 5’2 and skinny as hell, no real “shape” and not very attractive. Still, I let him in because I figured we connected so I’d see what he was all about. He turned out to be an O.K. guy, so we just kicked it pretty much on a friendship level. After a few visits, we ended up being intimate one night, and boy…he had NO CLUE what he was doing.

I pretty much decided at that point that “friends” was all we should be, because I was through with teaching men what I wanted. We drifted apart after a while, for one reason or another.

One day, I got a call from a woman who asked if I knew “Tim”. For some reason, the name didn’t ring a bell, so I told her “no”. She called back about 15 minutes later, asking the same question. Then I remembered..I described him to her, and she said “yeah, that’s him”.

I immediately knew we were speaking of the same person, because at the same time, we both made the statement that he is horrible in bed. She went on to say that she was his WIFE, and he’d been cheating on her with numerous women forever, and she didn’t understand it because he isn’t that good looking and isn’t a great sex partner.

“Tim” actually called me the same day, and I told him to go F himself because I spoke to his wife, basically retelling the story. He swore that she’s lying, he had no wife and blah blah blah. I changed my number after that.

I had been talking to a guy for several weeks and no red flags had been raised during our lengthy chat sessions or phone calls. We made plans to finally meet, he offered to drive to my town since he lived over an hour away. He wanted to take me to dinner and a movie. He was over an hour late to my apartment and on our way out the door to go eat he asked me to drive, saying he had a hard day and all the driving to pick me up had worn him out.

At that point I was so hungry from the wait I agreed to do it. So, on our way to a nice sit down restaurant he makes me pull into a fast food drive through for dinner. Stating that because he had been out of the country working for a year or so he missed eating at this place, I reluctantly agreed.

He proceeded to order 7 items off the menu and ate every last bite. I ate maybe half my food before I lost my appetite. He then spent the next 15 minutes complaining about how bad he felt and wished he had not eaten the chili cheese burrito.

I took him to the park so we could walk and he could digest his food. During our stroll around the park he made a mad dash to the bathrooms and proceeded to have me wait 30 minutes. When he finally reappeared with a sweaty forehead, he opened his wallet to show me pictures of his ex girlfriend, all 10 of them. He wanted me to see what “the bitch that put me through hell” looked like.

I suggested that we go back to my place. Once we parked, I gave him the whole “I have a headache” line. He said he understood but asked me to please let him use my bathroom so he could pee since it was going to be a long ride, stupid me I did. 45 minutes later he comes out of my bathroom and tells me that he was sorry but got caught up in reading my readers digest.

10 seconds later the horrid smell coming from the bathroom hit me between the eyes, I almost gagged. He then asked me if he could sleep on the couch because he was SO tired from the long trip he just couldn’t make it. I then informed him that he had to make it because he was not staying at my apartment and I showed him the door. He pouted and finally walked out the door and I quickly locked it behind him. He sent me texts for days saying that he had never felt a connection like the one he felt for me. I changed my number.

We had a nice dinner. I thought we would go to the bar after dinner, or to any of the other bars in that area, but he went back to the car. When we got to the car, we talked about where to go, and we agreed to go to a bar closer to home. We had a nice talk in the car about internet dating, everything was fine.

On the way, he began with the “I just want to hang out and chill”. I said that the place is not far and is very relaxed, but he didn’t say anything. Then he said “we should go to your house and have a bottle of wine and watch a movie”. I said that this is not an option. Of course, you know that he was not happy. He dropped me off, with barely a good bye. I was home by 10. Funny thing, he texted when he got home and said he had a nice time. I was a bit put off by what happened in the car, but I figured that perhaps he was trying to see how far he could go.

Sat morning arrives and he texts me and asks what I’m doing. He said that he was going to see his mom, but that he also wants to see me. I remind of the the impending storm, but we agree to speak later. Not 30 minutes later, I get a text from him that says “come pick me up”. I’ll spare you the back in forth, but essentially, he invited himself over to my house and insisted that I make dinner. He wanted me to go pick him up b/c he didn’t want anything to happen to his car as there are a lot of trees around here. Aside from the blatant red flags, I hypothetically brought up the fact that then I would have to drive him home in the middle of a hurricane. You’ll be surprised to hear, that he graciously offered to sleep over. I said no, and he said that we would speak later.

I received about 7 more texts, with the exact same message “I want to see you, come pick me up, let’s spend the storm together” Ad nauseum.

Sometime around 10PM he calls me and we’re talking. He made a passive aggressive remark about me not picking him up, I responded with a sarcastic remark of my own, and he laughed. We were chatting about the storm, when the call was lost. About 20 minutes later, I get a text from him and this is what it said (please excuse the language, but there is no way to paraphrase) ” Take a picture of your pussy and send it to me..I wanna cum inside you”. I did not respond. He took that as encouragement, and then sent me a picture of his penis. I responded with please stop sending me these messages, I do not like them, and they make me uncomfortable”. He reply was “whatever your boring” (notice the incorrect use of your). He called me, I did not pick up. That was the last I heard from him.

I quickly went to the computer to take down my profile – no more online dating for me.

Now, at this point, I was very naive to the ways of internet dating. I thought everyone was as they seemed. We chatted every night for a few weeks, talking about everything under the sun. We did the cybersex thing (do people do that, anymore?) quite a bit, as well…

Well, I finally decide I want to meet in person, this great chick I was talking to, who by this time told me her name was Michelle. So I set up a meeting with her. It was a kind of on-the-fly kind of thing, one evening. I offered to drive to Rocky Mount, to meet up with her in the middle of the night. She agreed and gave me her phone number. So, I left around 11PM all excited at finally meeting this mystery woman (I guess I left out the part about no pic, but this was before everyone had a webcam or digital camera).

I drive, drive, drive, and drive some more. This was a four hour drive. I get to Rocky Mount about 3AM.

I go to the nearest phone booth and call.

No answer…

I try again.

NO ANSWER!!

By now, I am starting to get pissed off. I keep calling.

Finally, someone answers the phone. She sounded like she was coming out of coma and was very pissed off that I kept calling. She yelled “HELLO!?!?!?!”

“Is this Michelle?” I asked…

“MICHELLE IS DEAD!!!”

All of the sudden, I got this very big lump in my throat… I can barely describe the feeling I had. I had just driven four hours to call what was probably the parents of a dead girl named Michelle at 3AM.. I had never felt so pathetic in my life. I got in my car and hauled-ass back home. I had four hours of feeling very creepy.

Next night, I hunted down this “Vladicus” and found out even more creepy news. “Vladicus” claimed she was really a he. Yes, a gay guy with a very warped sense of humor. I forget the rest of the conversation, but that was the end of it. And I learned a very serious lesson. Think before you go rushing out in the middle of the night, because there are some real wack jobs in the world.

A week passed, the week turned into a month, a month into 3 months. I’d never heard from Heidi, I assumed the meeting had not gone well in a best case scenario, otherwise she’d have written. The worst case scenario I hated to think about. I wrote to her and did not get a reply. I knew that she had left the man’s name and phone number with a friend so she had been vigilant. The blogger site was one that logged the member’s last activity which predated her trip to Texas. I felt strongly that she had had a negative experience and it had probably soured her on internet dating.

As time passed, I forgot about Heidi. I know it might sound cruel but so many people come and go online. Then one day, about 6 months after her trip, I received an email from her. Her trip had been a disaster! The guy failed to meet her at the airport, he called her cellphone and asked her to take a cab to his place. Upon her arrival, she found him sharing an apartment with his ex girlfriend because neither one could afford a place of their own. The man and the apartment were both in need of a thorough cleaning. As a cockroach sprinted across the floor, reality set in. Her perfect man was anything but perfect. She spoke of how foolish she began to feel as she waited on a cab and booked a return flight to California.

She arrived home embarrassed but soon chalked it up to learning a life lesson. After a few weeks she joined Match.com. She dated a few men until she found one that she said gave her butterflies, there was chemistry and he lived 15 minutes from her! Being close in proximity allowed them to spend real time together. She said that she was rarely online as work and her new beau occupied her time. I smiled as I read her email, I was glad that there was a happy ending.

Can long distance internet relationships work? Yes they can, and when it happens everyone hears about it. We seldom hear of the failures. I think so many, especially newbies, go to meet the object of their virtual affection with a feeling of already being ” in love.” When it comes to online dating, I generally believe the following:

1) Stay local….you really get to know a person by spending REAL time with them. How do they treat family, friends, the waitress at Applebees? Does he/she have a good work ethic?

2) Once reasonable safeguards are met, meet sooner then later…the longer one chats with a person online, the more likely one elevates his/her chat partner to Godlike status…expectations may be hard to meet thus leading to disappointment.

3) K I S S…keep it simple stupid…the date should be simple and casual, not a Vegas vacation… this way one ensures one is enjoying the company of the other, not all the whistles and bells..

4) I’m going to meet a friend….if one approaches internet dating with this attitude, IMHO, one will be more successful. The biggest mistake that I’ve observed over the years is by people who approach meeting their internet date as going to meet “the one.”

It takes guts to put oneself out there. As the saying goes, one misses all the shots one does not take. Don’t be afraid to fail. Best of luck to everyone in your pursuit of romance….

One Friday evening in June, four months after the divorce, I came home to my apartment to find my ex had dropped the girls off and they were sitting on the sofa looking as if they’d just lost their best friends. “Girls, what’s the matter, we’re gonna rent some videos, order a pizza, it’s going to be fun”….” Dad, we’ve something to ask you” Sarah, my oldest daughter said. ” But first go get your shower and change”… ” Oh no, you two look serious, we’re addressing this now, so you ask me”…. Sarah said, ” sit down, Dad” and I did, the two of them stood silent for what seemed like forever but finally Mollie, my then 8 yr old, looked up at Sarah and said, ” you ask him, YOU’RE the OLDEST!” So Sarah said, ” Ok Dad, here it goes….Are you gay?” Now to each their own, but I don’t play on that team. My first impulse was to jump up and yell “NOOOOOOO” but instead I calmly asked, ” Why would you think that?” She said, ” We never see any women around here”…I replied, ” Girls…you never see any men either, do you?” They agreed that they didn’t, I then went on to explain how we were all in a transitional period and their adjustment and happiness was my first priority. They said their mother had begun dating and I should as well. Soooooo…I knew I did not want to date women from my UPS route, no married friends with the best of intentions that had ” a woman that is perfect for you” either. So I entered the world of online dating…

I chatted with “Fanny” ( not her real name, used because I’m certain I’ve never met anyone from the net by that name). After a few chats over a 4 or 5 day period, we decided to talk via phone. ” Hi John, I’m Fanny” she said, ” 40 years old, 5’3, 120 and I’ve been told I turn heads” ( which could mean a few different things if you think about it) ” Why don’t you come down to my place in Cincinnati tomorrow, we’ll cookout and have fun” It was the 3rd of July, my family was all out of town, so I agreed to meet her, I had to start somewhere. Fanny gave me directions to her place and the date was set, dress was to be casual…..

The next morning, I showered and set off on my adventure. I was nervous, I was 40 years old and had not been out with anyone but my wife since I was 18. Fanny met me at her front door, she was very pretty, or as the men say when they comment on pictures on online websites ” stunning” ( do these guys know any other adjectives). She asked me inside, where she introduced me to her 11 yr old son who was my height at 5’9, the father must have been a tall dude. I shook his hand, the mother said to him, ” now go to your friend’s house, I’ll call you later” and shoved him out the door. There I was, 75 miles from my place, alone in a house with a woman I’d met a scant 5 minutes ago ::gulp::.She said, ” come follow me down the hall, John ” and she walked me down the hall to the last bedroom on the right as the intro to Heart’s ” Barracuda” played in my head. There were beads hanging where a door once was ” this is my entertainment room, go on in and get comfortable, I’ll get you something to eat”.

There were throw pillows on the floor and an entertainment center…I awaited her return. She came back with a bowl of strawberries and whipped cream, I KNOW I should have known it was ” game on” but remember, at this point I was the Gomer Pyle of dating and I was like ” Shazam!!!!! Strawberries, my favorite…thank you” she laughed and said, ” You’re welcome, now I’ll be right back, I’m going to change into something more comfortable” I ( Gomer) thought, ” What could be more comfortable than a T shirt and jeans?”

I returned to my place on the throw pillow I had chosen, as I sat down, my logical side kicked in..” I just met this woman 10 minutes ago, what if she laced this bowl with drugs?” I decided not to eat them, as I placed the bowl on a nearby table I heard her coo, ” oh John” …I turned to see her in bra and panties, a see through sheer robe or cover of some sort on over it. Now at a point later in my single life I may have handled this differently, but suddenly I was scared shitless, I was barely ready to take the training wheels off of the Huffy and I was being handed the keys to a Porsche!!!!! I stammered, ” I-I-I think I need to go…I’ve given you the wrong impression’ and I moved to go past her.. ” Oh please don’t go, I’m sorry, I’m so lonely, please stay” and she dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around my leg.

I’m now in the hall of a house outside Of Cincinnati, Ohio with a scantily dressed woman whom I’d met 20 minutes earlier, a “death grip” on my right leg and all I could see was tomorrow’s headline in the Cincinnati Enquirer” … ” Local Woman Assaulted In Home By Internet Date”… I moved down the hallway, returning to the front door, her firm grip on my leg tight as ever. At some point she transitioned from a lonely, sobbing woman to one that defiantly INSISTED that I remain with her.

I got to the front door and it was…….LOCKED!!!!! Now I thought she’d locked me in, but at a later time I reasoned she had locked the door to prevent her son from surprising us. ” Oh please God, I promise NEVER to meet another woman from the net ( that pledge lasted about 2 weeks ) if you get me out of this” I looked to my right and there on the table was a key, I opened the door, and then looked at Fanny” I’m counting to 3, you either let go of my leg or we’re both going out this door” She said, ” you’re too nice, you won’t do it”…one….two……THREE!!!!!..I went through the door, Fanny still clutching my leg. It was a busy, 4th of July suburban neighborhood, the sight of a nearly naked Fanny and me breaking free from her hold caught the eye of a few, I heard a whistle as I ran to my car and she rushed back inside. As I drove away, I reached into my back pocket, yep…still got my wallet…I noticed that my Jimmy Buffett t-shirt was soaked with sweat! …What did I learn? Never meet someone at their home on a first meeting….and….ask if she intends to serve strawberries when we dine.

I didn’t even read most of his profile because he was so young I really didn’t want to know much about him. I wrote a note to the picture. It said, “You may not be the love of my life but you live in my town and you are adorable.” And he wrote back and we made a date.

Our first date we met at a local bar and he was late. He bent his head to me. He smiled a lot. He needed a makeover in the clothing department – khaki pants (which were not on any level created by women) that could make even the nicest body look meaningless and formless, a button down shirt – with a tease of chest hair coming out of it.

He was more than a decade younger than me. He managed apartment buildings which seemed like a decent job and was vague about what he did before that.

I babbled and asked questions. His cuteness took me by surprise. I kind of ran out of the bar, not really sure what I was doing. Then I wrote him and told him that I wanted to see him again. He said great.

The second time we met at a restaurant in a different part of town. It was glass and silver and white with lousy service and good food. They got one of our dishes wrong making it the spicy instead of the garlicky version. I told the waiter he owed us two glasses of wine and he gave them to us. We probably had three glasses each.

I could not tell you what we talked about. We just kept grinning at each other. At some point towards the end I reached under the table and touched his hand. He touched mine – we looked at each other.

“Do you want to go to my house and play ping pong. I mean just ping pong don’t misunderstand.”

He agreed and said he understood it was too soon.

We played two games and I beat him at both. We kept stopping to make out in between points. At some point I pulled him down under the ping pong table. I don’t think he had had sex in a very long time. I had to stop him after the third condom. I don’t keep that many in the house and I didn’t know if I’d be able to move the next day.

He needed training. His kissing was open mouthed and a little sloppy. He didn’t know where to put his hands.

He said “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

While we were having sex he said, “I love you.” When I flinched he apologized and said he just got carried away.

On our third date, he came over all dark and brooding and made the face. I know that face – I saw it on my father after a long, hot commute. I saw it on my brother when he was so down he couldn’t even talk. It was a pity me face, an angry, dark, removed face. A little boy’s face. A nothing you can do can make it better face.

You could tell by the way he moved that he was deeply depressed. He shuffled. He looked almost ungainly, and his head hung so low he might as well have put it on his chest.

He put his hands to his face in a gesture of ultimate pain and said “You don’t know the life I’ve had.”

His misery was all about keys. He had locked his in his apartment or the car or something like that and he needed a locksmith. It must have been the apartment because he was dealing with a building guy. I caught a few moments of that conversation.
Him – voice tight, throat choked, “I just want you to drive out to my apartment, meet me there and let me in – that’s all I’m asking.”

The other guy must have said something like “No, not tonight.” My guy kept holding his head in his hands and getting angrier and angrier.

I got him out of my house by suggesting we go get pizza. He was so depressed, it came through his skin, his clothes. His depression filled the car. He told me about his life with an abusive father, a mother who wasn’t there, and a sister who was on drugs, and a period in some sort of institution. We were at a light when I heard the part about him being locked up for awhile because they were afraid he might be a danger to himself.

I turned the car around without a word and drove him back to my house. I told him he had to leave and go home and take care of what was wrong.

He knew where I lived. I thought of animals that can smell fear and attack. I just needed to get away from him as quickly as possible. Then I would figure out what to do.

He called me the next day and said he cried all night because he thought he had ruined it. Would I give him another chance?
I tried to be as calm as possible and said, “I’m glad we met but I don’t think this is going to work. Let’s just think of it as bad timing.” He started crying again. I got off the phone and called a friend, spoke to her husband. He was a military guy. I asked him what I should do and he said if you ever hear from him again, call me and I’ll take care of it.

I took my profile down and didn’t go back online for a long time. He never called me again.