And what is the reality? Well, there may be a variety of realities; aren’t there always? Here are a few possibilities that may feel familiar…

….It’s actually a pretty good relationship but I’d love it to be more intimate, emotionally as well as physically.
….We’re a sweet pair; we cuddle a lot, but the minute we don’t see eye to eye on something, all hell breaks loose…it’s awful.
…..We try to avoid thinking too much about how we’re doing, and since we’re both so busy, we can get away with it, but I can’t remember when we last had a really good conversation…I mean a bit deeper than “what’s for dinner?”
….I don’t know where to start. We are so disconnected these days, it’s really painful and miserable. We definitely need some help, but we keep putting it off.

I could go on….but I’ll stop there. And, the truth is…a relationship is a tricky thing and rarely a perfect specimen. It can’t be all things to you both, but it does need to feel connected and right most of the time. So please, don’t feel you’re failing if yours needs some improvement. You both deserve to be enjoying life and one another.

So….Did You Know You Have A Relational Space? And how can it help you?

Your relationship, your connection to your partner, does indeed have a “shape” to it. Take a moment and visualise you and your partner standing opposite one another. In between you is something you cannot see but it is your Relational Space, an entity that belongs to you both and reflects what’s happening between you at any moment in time.

It changes a lot! One moment your Relational Space might feel cosy and warm, like a safe comfy bed for example. An hour later, something happens to turn it into a storm with thunder and lightening! Later on, it may feel safe again, relaxed and close, with an image of the two of you cuddled up on the sofa.

Your Relational Space is always there, reflecting what’s between you…your moods, your feelings, your connection and your disconnection and all shades in between.

Imagining your Relational Space as an entity gives it substance…a concrete thing  that belongs to you both.  And like anything that belongs to you, it needs to be cared for.  It’s yours and needs nurturing as much as your child, your home, your garden.

How have you taken care of your Relational Space today?

When I ask myself this question, it brings me up short. What have I done today to nurture that special thing that belongs to us both and affects me deeply? And affects Bob too. When I stop and think about the amount of influence I have on our level of closeness, it blows my mind! I realise my impact can sometimes be about not saying something, e.g. a not helpful comment I might have made out of habit or familiarity. I can simply choose to stay in a heartful place and feel my love for this man. In that moment, those habitual words have no place; they do not belong. The  Relational Space between us now feels expansive and delightful.

I feel so good in that moment of choice and fullness. I’ve made a real contribution to us.

I know there are also times when Bob remembers our  Relational Space and chooses to give it attention by first of all valuing its existence and secondly by nurturing it, with an act of caring or thoughtfulness to me. In that moment I feel he cares, not just about me but about us and what we stand for. That’s a warm feeling to have.

Would you like to nurture your Relational Space more?…in other words do you need help getting closer and more connected to your partner?

Well, in that case……YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE!

We have a superb event for you in which you can experience feeling closer, deeper and more loving with one another. Learn fabulous skills and fun ways to feel ALIVE and HAPPY in your special relationship.

COME AND JOIN BOB AND MYSELF AT OUR WORKSHOP! 

The post Did You Know You Two Have a “Relational Space”? appeared first on Intimacy Works.

like planning something or organising some project or other. Or asking: what time is this or that happening? or could you pick the kids up? etc etc. And, we know, of course, this type of communication needs to happen….it’s essential in fact.

But, sadly, the kind of  communicating and listening we seem to do together is less and less of  what I call sharing. That’s when we are open to something our partner wants to tell us about, simply because they want to share the joy of it or the sense of pride or the fun they had….or to simply share it. Maybe they have a real dream they want to explore or an aspiration they would love to talk over with you.

Would you like to be more in sharing mode with your partner?

“Wow! I really want to hear about that” is ideally what you may like to be thinking, rather than…..”Oh No, not now, when will I get that email finished?”….. Or, “I’ve got to get going right now or I’ll be late”.

It’s sad that most listening is doing-orientated rather than being- orientated, because it may mean we are losing deeper contact with our partner. However, the truth is that being- orientated listening and sharing doesn’t happen too easily in the midst of all the busyness…..

… it needs to be nurtured into happening.

So, how about taking a bit of time now and again to have a “tell me how you are in your life right now” kind of sharing session with one another? Slow it right down. Make sure the phone is switched off and settle down to listening to your loved one with an open heart. Take in their feelings and their experience from a generous place within yourself. No need to solve anything or say clever things. What a relief this can be and  maybe a joy too. I personally find it a privilege to hear these personal shares from my special partner. And, who knows… maybe joint dreams can be created from this deeper place of connection.

In our relationship, this is often a weekend thing over breakfast in our hot tub (I know!) but any place works. It’s about having the intention of opening your heart and letting in this person you love and all they want to tell you about.

And, when you get out of the habit of communicating more deeply like this, you can easily lose the knack..

It’s not just you, by the way. We can all get out of the habit of real sharing from the heart. Not surprising with so much going on around us.

That’s why we love the weekend couples’ events we offer. It’s beautiful to see partners discover each other again, as if starting afresh….in words, feelings and spirit.

You can give yourselves this gift of depth for YOUR relationship….

“Crossing The Bridge” over to your partner’s world and exploring how to connect deeply with them in a way that enhances all of your relationship, is just one of the many aspects of becoming close and intimate together that we offer you on our   “Learn To Relate More Deeply” weekend.

“Learn To Relate More Deeply”      A unique weekend for couples   October 1-3   A retreat and workshop led by us in a beautiful setting     in Somerset.  Give your relationship a delightful lift for this year ahead. Early bird rate is on NOW.  All info HERE.     If you find yourselves struggling to connect deeply and are wondering how to get out of the habitual pattern, we would love to hear from you and offer some support. priya@intimacyworks.com Or maybe you would like to chat about our weekend and see if it could help you and your partner 020 3151 2620. Enjoy the Summer days getting hotter as we speak! Priya xx

The post Has most communication with your partner become brief and practical? appeared first on Intimacy Works.

(PLUS EXERCISES FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP….further down after photo)

You know, how, in relationships, you can get caught up in who said what and who’s right? Know what I mean? It can drive you mad….you get into a wordy argument and then you spend lots of time after it, trying to remember all the words that were said so you make sure you were right and he (or she) was definitely wrong!

It’s not that the words are not important at all, of course they are and we love words, especially loving ones…….but they can really be destructive, especially if we try to dissect them too much.

YEP…Bob and I have been known to do this too…..but lately, I’m making a conscious effort not to and it’s making a difference.

Very recently, we facilitated our Couples Retreat/Workshop “Learn To Relate More Deeply” within a beautiful setting in Somerset.  As we got nearer the event, we decided a big underlying theme would be: “It’s Not What You Say…But The Way That You Say It”.

In other words, let’s focus less on our words, but more on how we are feeling and being to one another. It’s the connection between us, as a couple, that really matters. If one of us is resentful or frustrated, this will show in what we say. So it’s best to get that resentment or frustration cleared up and out of the way first. If, on the other hand, we feel mostly love and admiration for our partner, then we may make the odd mistake with our words, because we’re human, but there’s no need to dwell on that, if the loving connection is in place.

So, here we are, all excited and ready for our couples to arrive

And what a special, heart warming weekend it was….

We created, as always, a mixture of exercises with a tantric flavour and addressing the quality of your loving connection with your partner. One concept we introduced is called

“Our Relational Space”

We all have one, if we are in a relationship. It is the atmosphere of our relationship at any one moment in time and it changes a lot. We are both responsible for it as it belongs to both of us and we need to take care of it as a precious item.

Ideally, it’s rather useful to check in now and again and ask one another “How are you experiencing our relational space now? It may be feeling warm and yummy, or cool and distant, or cosy and safe, or just rather ordinary.

Before you begin each of these two exercises, check out together how your relational space is feeling. And tell one another in a few words. Then, if you remember, do the same after the exercise….it’s likely to be different!

                                                     =================

The post “It’s Not What You Say… appeared first on Intimacy Works.

Hello,

Are you ready for your virtual tour of the “How to Relate More Deeply” couples’ weekend? Yes….great. Then off we go on this whistle-stop journey seen through a first time couple’s eyes….

Friday late afternoon….we’re on the way to Somerset, we talk about why we’re going to this retreat and workshop combined thing. We feel unsure all of a sudden. We feel pretty good about our relationship, but we definitely have times when we become very separate and realise we lack tools to help us get close again. And we don’t have major problems, especially compared to some of our friends. Priya had said we were the ideal couple…big problems, no problems, wanting to get closer…all good reasons to be doing this…..so we are on our way, nervous and excited.

We’ve arrived….Phew, we’re so relieved to have found the place and avoided rush hour traffic.  Well, this house seems friendly and calming….just what we need to help us with the butterflies in our tummies….what have we come to?

Our room is warm and welcoming…hmmm, nice touches around. We settle in, have a bit of a wander and like what we see. We think we’ll enjoy the venue. (So, if the workshop isn’t too good, at least we can have a relaxing weekend).

Dinner is delicious. Then we all go….all of us five couples….and they seem nice enough….into the workshop room. We begin in a circle with a relaxing meditation, a welcome and overview of the weekend from Priya and Bob, some sharing about ourselves , plus lots of reassurance, fun comments and a real feeling of being heard. By the end of this, we feel pretty good and that gets even better when we each create our own couple cosy nest in the room…a place for us to do all the exercises and dialogues etc. It feels very safe. And in our nest, we get led through a gentle and delightful way of meeting one another, taking turns at sharing and listening, eye contact, breathing in harmony and tender touch. We are happy, feeling very connected to each other and nicely tired at the end of the evening.

Saturday and Sunday contain all sorts of content that we do in our nests, interspersed with coming together in our sharing circle in the whole group. We learn and practise “Crossing The Bridge” to one another. This is a structured dialogue that gives us a deep feeling of empathy and understanding between us. We are so much closer after this.

The exercise “Keeping Our Love Alive” is about each noticing what we do to nurture our love and relationship. Also it’s about what we’d like more of from our partner. It’s surprisingly moving and revealing in a supportive way.

Learning how to truly appreciate aspects of each other and not take one another for granted is lovely. How an appreciation can be given as a gift was really special and quite funny at times.

Elements of tantra (an ancient philosophy of love) come in every so often…things like  being in touch with the beauty of relationship and experiencing each other as divine beings, (not as strange as it sounds), and how relating can feel wonderful when we think of it as “honouring” one another. In the workshop context it all feels right and definitely brings out a loving feeling in us both.

Of course, not every bit feels perfect, but we get lots of choice from Priya and Bob about how we want to do certain exercises and move along at a speed that’s right for us. There’s plenty of time in the group to be heard and supported. There’s even time for each couple to have a personal session with Priya or Bob.

Some exercises take us into quite an intimate, sensual place and we go off into our room to continue on our own. Privacy is always offered when needed.

Any trepidation we had about being with other unknown couples soon changes. It feels good to hear both their happy stories and their troubling issues. It helps put our relationship into perspective and is so helpful to feel part of a shared journey. We learn so much from others, much more than we could have anticipated.

It’s a full on weekend, even though the workshop is well thought out and flows gently. The breaks are good; time for walks, a sauna or just having a nice cuppa and a chill out. At the end, we wanted more…

We left with concrete reminders of  what we had done over the weekend and how to incorporate it into our lives. We also came away with our very own couple vision for keeping our love alive.

So, there we are. Time to get off the tour bus!

Are you inspired? Can you see aspects of yourselves in this couple who took the plunge and decided, despite the trepidation, to discover how to get closer and more connected. Is it your turn now…..

“How To Relate Deeply”  is the kind of weekend you’ve just been touring. It’s happening soon: April 24-26 in Somerset. The cost is  just £550 per couple (all inclusive) till March 24. That’s only 4 more days!

More information and details about booking can be found HERE.

Feel free, if you have any questions at all, to call Priya on 020 3151 2620 or email  priya@intimacyworks.com

Sending you love, as always, to you and your relationship

Priya xx

The post Share a Couple’s Experience on Our Retreat appeared first on Intimacy Works.

You don’t Bring Me Flowers

The words say it all: When a relationship no longer holds the magic it once did, when..

“….you couldn’t wait to love me….you’d hate to leave me…you don’t bring me flowers anymore”

Oh….these words are so meaningful, especially sung with such heart by Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond.

Some may find them smaltzy, cheesy….but these are the kinds of things that couples say to me in my private practice. They have lost each other, disconnect is happening and the pain can be searing.

But even more painful if we do nothing; if we hope it will get better…hope and wait, hope and wait….and the pain continues and life becomes numb….so very sad.

These situations are my life’s work and there are ways to help …really.  Many of us have been through something like this. It’s not crazy to feel this way or even a bit this way.

If you need help, call me on 020 8441 8038 or email me   You will be listened to with empathy.

I’m sending you and your relationship love

Priya xx

The post You Don’t Bring Me Flowers appeared first on Intimacy Works.

Do you find that, in your busy lives as individuals and as a couple, it’s quite a challenge to make enjoyable time to be together? I’m not meaning chilling out time in front of the TV, although, of course, TV time together can be very nice, especially if there’s a snuggle included….

The kind of together time I’m talking about is more like what you may think of as holiday activities eg relaxed walking, exploring a new village or going to some kind of gallery or exhibition. We couples seem to find it hard to fit these rather more adventure’y things into our relationship unless we are on a proper holiday, which, as we know, needs loads of planning and not a small amount of money.

Personally, I love these kinds of activities, especially if life becomes too caught up in “work..tired..work..tired” mode. It can all too easily feel like there just isn’t enough to look forward to together.

Maybe it’s just me, being in touch with my inner child, we all have one :-), but I feel excited when Bob and I get in the car and go off and do something potentially fun and unknown. It doesn’t have to be major…it can be having breakfast out or a short walk in the woods. I truly miss those together type activities if we forget about consciously making them happen for us as a couple.

A few weeks ago, a lovely local hotel sent me an email with a really good “Dinner and B and B” offer….too good to resist. We booked in for last Thursday/Friday, both feeling excited that it was during the week when we “should” have been working!

Then I got the idea of creating a special Thursday/Friday “Pri and Bob happening” with the hotel overnight stay as the centrepiece and other activities around it…a two day mini holiday, within 30 miles of our home. As it got closer, it felt more and more special, just for us and I was really looking forward to this.

I’m very happy to share with you that it turned out to be, in my book (and Bob’s too.. yes!) a delightful two days, that went something like this:

Thursday morning: local cafe breakfast, followed by a muddy stroll in the woods, where the gulls were walking on water….ok, the lake was frozen.

Breakfast in bed on Friday plus yummy, lazy morning.
Afternoon: off to a nearby town with character. It had a small, quaint natural history museum which was very enjoyable indeed.
Then local tea shop where we made a decision (over victoria sponge cake) to go and see a late afternoon film: “The Theory of Everything”…heart breaking and wonderful.
Finally….dinner out. Hmmm, seems like we did a lot of eating…..

We came home, with full hearts, feeling like we had done so much, been away for a week and had thoroughly enjoyed being with each other. AND we had created a great template for a mini holiday, which you may find works for you two….with your own adaptations, of course.

So, just before you leave……here’s a reminder of our offerings……

Priya’s Private Bespoke Retreat in Barnet: for any couple who would like their very own 2 day happening focussed on increasing their love and intimacy. FIND OUT MORE

Priya’s “Re-ignite Your Love” in your own home: 6 week audio programme for you to do together. A series of gentle 30 mins exercises. FIND OUT MORE

And last, but definitely not least, is our residential weekend coming up in April . Just 3 couple spaces left and early bird rate is on NOW. Info/booking

Sending you love and fun for your relationship, till we are in touch next….
Priya and Bob x

The post A Special Local and Mini Holiday…. appeared first on Intimacy Works.

The post My Bob and ADHD.. appeared first on Intimacy Works.

I describe a session as if we are there now….

Margaret and Simon (not their real names) are in their fifties and have been together for 20 years and they know each other very, very well. They feel unexcited by one another and there’s a sense of lifelessness about their relationship.They’ve got into less than good habits of being blaming and tetchy with each other. And, deep down, there’s a feeling, if not for both of them but definitely for one of them, that they’d really like something more. They want more from this relationship.

Margaret says  “Well, the children have left home. It’s just the two of us now. The feeling that we could go on like this, in this kind of dead way….it’s so painful. I’m so sad. I don’t know what to do. We don’t know what to do”

This couple had literally forgotten how to be close, particularly emotionally and physically. They did very little physically other than peck each other on the cheek and call that a kiss. They did sleep in the same bed but it didn’t occur to either of them that they could have a cuddle. In bed, they read and or watched television. Bed had become a doing place. They very rarely touched and the idea of sleeping naked in bed and cuddling was about as far away from them as going to the moon!

I ask them, very gently, to stop talking and I say things like: “Let’s all stop talking. Let’s just stop. Take a breath and let yourselves get in touch with what you’re feeling right now. Feel that sense of loss you’ve been describing and take another deep breath. Feel what you’re missing and let that pain be there. Just breathe and feel it. It’s ok”.

In a while, Margaret is crying and Simon is sort of wiping away a tear. I continue, gently and slowly: “It’s okay to feel these feelings. It would be incredibly surprising if you didn’t feel these feelings, given the deadness that you’ve both been experiencing for so long. So I’m going to ask you to do something. Would you be willing to just turn a little bit on this sofa here and look into your partner’s eyes? Look into the eyes of this person that you’ve been with for 20 years.”

There’s a lot of hesitancy at this moment…a huge amount of hesitancy. They look at me and they look around. Then, Simon does tentatively make the turn and sort of nods and so Margaret turns too and their eyes meet. (By the way, sometimes, couples burst into a giggle at this stage. They see each other and they giggle and they say, “Oh my god, we haven’t done this for years” or “This feels so strange.” I say, “Well, giggle away. Have a giggle.” Isn’t it amazing that your heart can really be sad one minute and giggling the next minute”?

This couple in front of me are both deeply moved and they become absolutely transfixed with each other’s eyes and they just look and look and the tears flow. Then slowly, they both reach out for the other’s hand and it’s so moving. I say “Just stay with this. Let’s just stay with it. This is the beginning of your new life. This is the beginning of your connecting again” and the tears flow lots. Of course, you can imagine, I’m crying too at this point

Simon manages to find words and says “I’ve missed you”, and Margaret says, “Oh, I’ve missed you, too. I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how we got here in this lonely place. I’ve been so lonely.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

There’s more, but I don’t want you to end up sobbing on the floor. The thing is, this isn’t a romance novel, even though it may sound that way….this is a real couple in today’s world. They were so lost from one another. This encounter was the first stage for them of a deeply healing journey back to connectedness and intimacy. Over the coming weeks, they talked less and less, especially not in the blaming, hopeless and helpless kind of a way that they had been doing in the first few sessions. Their verbal life became rich, softer, caring, highly personal and positive. And they touched each other physically and emotionally more and more. The connection and closeness deepened steadily over the coming weeks.

It was beautiful to behold.

Sometimes we don’t notice that we are not intimate any more; it just feels like the norm…eventually, we notice and of course, that’s when it’s good to do something about it, ideally together…a session, a workshop, a programme….a something that feel right for you and will support your connection to deepen and grow.

Till soon…

Priya

The post A Real Couple in my Therapy Room appeared first on Intimacy Works.

It’s called the Keeping Our Love Alive Dialogue and it goes like this….

Before anything else, make sure you have at least 30 mins of uninterrupted time together…phones switched off!

Settle down together comfortably and close enough that you can easily hear one another and maybe have a little physical contact, like touching a knee or hands…whatever feels right.

Then take a look at one another  and say Hello! and take a few deep breaths. Maybe a giggle may break through at this point….what are we doing? Giggles are good things…

Then you are going to take it in turns to ask each other three questions in a specific way…repeated questions. Each question is asked for around 3 mins….having a timer with you is helpful.
The one being asked will reply with various things that come to them spontaneously.

These are the three questions:

1. What currently is good about our love?
2. What do you do to keep our love alive?
3. What would you like more from me to keep our love alive 

When the first partner has asked the first question for 3 mins and got answers, then the other person asks them the same question in the same repeated way.

I’m realising this is tricky to describe in words so here is a real life example (gulp):

Bob: What currently is good about our love?
Pri: we spend time close on the sofa watching movies together.
Bob: What currently is good about our love?
Pri: that we often take time to share about our own concerns with one another and we listen well
Bob: What currently is good about our love?
Pri: that we have a regular date morning that is just time for us

When Bob has asked Pri that first repeated question for about 3 minutes, then it goes the other way around…Pri asks Bob in the same way….

Pri: What currently is good about our love? 
Bob: that we enjoy lazy time together on Sundays
Pri: What currently is good about our love? 
Bob: that we are appreciative of one another and let each other know it
Pri: What currently is good about our love? 
Bob: that we can be young and giggly together

Then we do the same thing again with questions 2 and 3. And that’s the whole thing.

Some pointers:

• Take your time and do this slowly. No need to rush through these special questions.
• Listen to each other’s answers and thank each other. That is: say thank you after each reply before asking the question again.
• It may seem a somewhat ritualised structure. That’s because many of us need that kind of thing to feel safe enough to be honest. Also, it can go deep and surprising things can come out of it.
• It can also be fun to do something in a specific way….it invites creativity                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        When you have done all the questions …              

Phew! Well done! Take a few breaths together and maybe have a hug.
Then you might like to chat about the things that surprised you or gave you good ideas or anything else you want to say.
But, be careful, stay loving and appreciative of what your partner says.
Enjoy yourselves.

If you do this exercise with someone special, it would be great to hear how you get on. Please let me know. Just EMAIL me.

If you do want to book on the workshop “Delicious ways to Deeply Connect With Your Partner” in which you can be led through this exercise and several others on Nov 16th  Just CLICK HERE for all the info and booking

With love to you and your relationship

Priya

The post Keeping Your Love Alive Dialogue appeared first on Intimacy Works.

This is how she introduces the interview on her website

I got introduced to Priya and once I saw she worked with her husband Bob, I suggested both of them come on and give a balanced perspective on intimacy – what a great idea that was too! What we had was truly wonderful! Intimacy is something that’s spoken about in private, and hearing Priya and Bob share what it means and how they work with couples was very enlightening. Love this interview! 

So I recommend you make a cuppa, put your feet up and enjoy us enjoying ourselves!

Here it is!

With love

Priya

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