Into The Zenith

Dribbling with Red Paint

2012-01-29T13:42:00.001+08:00

It was on the front page of newspaper (Sin Chew) today, about a Malaysian girl from Sabah who became famous because of her video of her art work posted on YouTube. Out of curiosity I checked out the video to see what the big hoo-hah was all about. As it turns out, I wasn't disappointed- it was great. A red portrait painting of Yao Ming, using a basketball. Check it out!

I guess I can understand why it's on the front page of the newspaper. Malaysia and her people, are proud of the girl and her talent, and when the video made it to Huffington Post and other media sites, they felt it to be front-page-worthy (?). Besides - and perhaps more importantly - every now and then, the people needed light-hearted news like this to keep them motivated, keep them chugging in this world that seems to be getting more and more unsecured by the day.

Anyway. At least for today, the red portrait may bring some hope and inspiration to some who needed a little push to go make things happen!

Mulling

2012-01-14T15:35:00.000+08:00

Have you ever encountered a situation whereby you wish to keep certain things to yourself because, technically speaking, you can and you have the right to: it's your personal life and your ultimate decision to let it be known, or not. Yet, the reality that we live in, governed by certain societal norms, has it that we should share with others our personal stories or incidents or what-have-you's - because we live in a society, and we're all connected to each other, no (wo)man is an island, or whatever reasons to justify such sharing. And perhaps there is a physiologic explanation to it too: we humans can never keep secrets. We just can't. We are not built that way. We are social animals bound to share and communicate with others, and so, in that regard, you can almost argue that there is no such thing as privacy!

Indeed, in the past, our grandparents or great-grandparents used to know everyone in the village or town. Everyone knew everyone and everything everyone was doing, and I doubt the word "privacy" existed in their daily vocabulary. So what then, brought about the concept of privacy? When exactly, in the history of mankind, did the idea of separating private from public life spring to existence? I have no answer to that, but my "guestimate" is - and I may well be wrong about this - it probably occurred some time around when paper was invented. When paper technology was invented, it gave us an avenue to jot down whatever ideas, thoughts, opinions, secrets, etc., that we wished to tell others, and pass it down in written form. In the case of which we do not wish to tell others yet needed a way to "get it out of our system", it allows us to do that too, as long as the written words are hidden from others. It is most likely that it goes a lot deeper and is more complicated than this, but for what I'm referring to in this post, this simplistic view should suffice.

My question is, where do you draw the line with regard to when it is appropriate to tell and when it's okay to not tell? Here I'm not talking about those apparent choices that involve legal actions or moral values. I'm referring to those grey areas between friends, family, relatives, coworkers, bosses etc. There's probably no significant impact if you make the "wrong" choice (if there's such a thing as the wrong choice), so it probably doesn't matter much what we choose to do. Indeed, this is more like a rhetorical question. I'm just wondering out loud, if there is a moral implication when we choose not to share some information we believe is rightly ours and which is part of our private lives, whilst the majority of the outside world believe otherwise. Is there?

Pondering. :P

An Interview Worth Watching

2012-01-13T22:49:00.000+08:00

Some time ago I saw this interview about science, evolution and universe etc. with Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, by Stephen Colbert. Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson is an American astrophysicist, and the director of the Hayden Planetarium at the Rose Center for Earth and Peace; while Stephen Colbert as we all know, is a political satirist and, among other roles, the host of The Colbert Report.

When I first watched it, I remember having many thoughts running through my mind, but unfortunately I didn't write them down, so they're long gone by now. But! I really think people should watch it. Anyone with the slightest interest about science, universe and/or society should watch it, it provides food for thought, and if for nothing else, watch it for the humor. :) So if you have some time, watch it. Enjoy!

Resolutions and Such

2012-01-06T14:35:00.000+08:00

In the past I have the habit of writing down all my resolutions and aim to get them done. My naive self never changed in all those years, each time thinking that "perhaps this year I'll actually get all my resolutions resolved". But obviously, there was never once where I got all of them done. At best I'll get half of them checked, but most of the time it's just one or two checked out of the ten or so items.

So! This year I won't bother. Yup. That's it. End of story.

…..

Or maybe I'll just scribble my resolutions down somewhere and hide it. *shifty eyes*

Shit. This is a living proof of old habits die hard.

2011 In Pictures

2012-01-04T03:37:00.000+08:00

2011 was scattered with very few posts, but hopefully this year there will be more. Overall, it's been a year full of family reunions, schoolmates' gatherings, and weddings. Early in the year when I just got back for good, I couldn't help but wonder if coming back is the "right" decision. But as time goes by I find myself forgetting that question completely- being back and being closer to family (including extended family) and friends have been great for me. Yes the traffic sucks; some drivers really piss me off (especially when they don't use the freakin' signal lights!); and yes I could go on and on about what's dissatisfying here. But really, every country has its own problems. As I grow older, priorities shift, and I find myself wanting to be closer to family, in case they need me. I care less about my ideals for the country, and whatever else for that matter. Perhaps in due time, I'll have different ideas of whether to settle down in this country. But right now, I'm happy I'm back home. Even happier and absolutely thankful that I'm on the right track to pursue my dreams.

Anyway. Here are some pictures- they're by no means a complete account of 2011, but they are some snapshots of what happened over the past year, and they're the people close to heart. :)

Grandma and I sharing ice-cream waffle at A&W. :D

Melacca day trip with brother, Choon (who's kinda like a brother too),

Yan Ru, Yuen Mei and Aaron.

This is Aaron the big bully. :P

Asam Laksa, my eternal love.

Paternal grandma, at an aunt's wedding.

My second family- granduncle, grandaunt and their son.

Lived with them when I was in Singapore.

Best friend's wedding dinner, in May.

SG - ex-colleagues at our company event. Sports day I think (or something like that).

Des and I, we go wayyyy back.

She's the sister I never had. :) *Hearts*

High school friends who hung out with me when I was in SG. :)

High school friend's wedding. One of the best gatherings ever.

Aunt's tea ceremony day, before the wedding dinner.

We're only 4 years apart, so she's more like a sis to me too.

Oooohh my new friends, classmates, and pioneers. :)

Another wedding dinner in November. High school gathering #2. :)

We knew each other since forever! Val (on the left) was my first and oldest friend. :)

A reunion lunch after 5 years.

My birthday cake. And family. :)

Checkout the footprints. Hopefully I'll get to travel this year. :P

FRIM's canopy walkway on Christmas day.

Hello relatives from Penang. :)

my brothers and i. :)

HB to Myself

2011-12-17T01:06:00.000+08:00

Feels like it was just yesterday when I celebrated my birthday with some of my closest friends at a dueling piano bar. But in truth, 'tis not so... and I'm reminded that I'm a year older.

This year I don't have anything in particular that I really want - am happy and thankful for what I've already got. :) Below are some pictures taken by Brandon last year at Howl at the Moon (thank you Brandon!).

great friends, bucket of booze and long straws :)

mot mot and tom tom :))

chocolate, durian and vanilla flavors… awesome mix!

(hey if you guys are reading this, we should go somewhere together!)

cool colleagues i had :)

wonder how they're doing over there.

one of my most memorable birthdays :)

Ok maybe I do have a bday wish- i wish i didn't have an exam on monday. but that can't be helped so no point wishing. k back to Hardy-Weinberg Principle, genomic imprinting and mosaicism etc. toodles!

Boo

2011-12-11T03:00:00.000+08:00

it's 3 a.m. and i can't sleep. the mind is so alert that the more i try to fall back into sleep the more agitated i get. and so here i am, doodling around, when i'm not even sure what i really wanna say, or where this post is headed. :)

today, (well- technically it's yesterday) for the first time in a very, VERY long time, ( CNY not counted), the whole family is in the house. as in, my parents and the 3 of us. little brother is finally done with his secondary education in Singapore, and is back home for a while until he leaves again for his college. it's unnoticeable on a daily basis when one of us is not around, but when everyone's home, i actually felt the difference. last night they were watching liverpool against some other team. in my sleep i thought i heard them cheer. wonder who won.

anyway- this post is stopping short of any substantial rants or thoughts because i suddenly have an urge to edit some photos i took, hopefully will be able to share them here when i'm done. whenever that is. :P

this day last year i was at mammoth. ahhh miss…!

Since It's Rabbit Year-

2011-11-26T10:34:00.000+08:00

Just seems apt to put up this picture. :P Happy (belated) thanksgiving to all who celebrate!

Personally, I have so much to be thankful for. Sure, it's not always fine and dandy, and there are regrets every now and then, but I learn from them and move on. I miss my friends far, far away, and wished I was there with them doing what we'd always do - eat!, talk about nothing and everything, dress up for Halloween etc, or just hang out. Then again, we're all exactly where we wanted to be. So I'm not complaining.

Hopefully I'll get to visit them in the near future. In the meantime, have some turkey (or bunnies) and enjoy every moment with friends and family!

Melancholy and What's Left Unsaid

2011-11-19T20:36:00.001+08:00

I must have mentioned it more than once, that I feel that Chinese songs are mostly melancholic. Don't misunderstand, I used to love listening to Chinese songs, and still do, but I think as I grow older I can't handle as well all this emo-ness that those songs brings out in me. What I used to embrace back then, I find myself avoiding it. It's strange how we change in time; most of the time I feel I change for the better, but in this case, my aversion of intense emotions and feelings, I feel is not a good thing. Could I be hiding something from myself? What is it that I'm so afraid to face and what am I running away from? I have no idea, and I just don't have the time to go down that rabbit hole right now. Some day, maybe, I'll muster the courage to find out.

This evening on my way home I saw the rainbow and it filled my heart with warmth. Its colors lightened up the part of town that I was driving through and made everything else irrelevant. That stretch of bumpy road is a glimpse of many glaring disparity and stark contrasts, but I suspect the people there would've felt the same warmth when they see the rainbow. With the melancolic tunes playing on the radio, I thought to self at that point of time, this is enough. I am thankful.

Brother

2011-11-05T11:50:00.000+08:00

Little brother will be having his A-levels exam starting Nov 8. Wishing him best of luck! :)

Calcium by 30

2011-10-29T16:59:00.001+08:00

Yesterday during class discussion, professor mentioned that women should start taking calcium supplements at the age of 30, because we lose calcium faster and at an earlier age than men. So if you don't wanna get osteoporosis or don't wanna shrink so soon, start taking your calcium pills- a minimum dosage of at least 1000mg.

Conversation that followed that discussion-

me: ah i have 3 more years to go before i have to start taking those calcium pills…

classmate A: don't worry we'll remind you when that day comes!

me: …!!!

classmate B: yeahhh definitely! we'll get you that for your birthday present!! hahaha

me: …!!!!!!

classmate C: haha yes, tell us what brand you like, we'll get that for you!

Conversation dissolved into fits of laughter. Gosh, to think that my physiological age has peaked before I equip myself with sufficient knowledge to give back to the society! Aging- it's a concept that doesn't rest well with many. For the most part, I'm fine with it, because with age comes wisdom (well. not necessarily. but hopefully it is so in my case :P). But to know that someday our organs will deteriorate slowly, and that it's part of the life cycle and we can't do anything about it - well that part isn't that nice.

Having said that, when the laughing and thinking lines become a permanent fixture on my face, when I'm 5cm shorter than my already-not-so-tall stature, when I'm just a bag of bones and not much else, I just hope to be a good-natured, fun-loving, healthy self who has a thing or two to teach or share.

[photo from istock.com]

All in good time though. All in good time.

A Day Like This

2011-10-19T22:56:00.003+08:00

So... I stumbled upon a poem I wrote way back then, but have no recollection whatsoever of writing it. It's a pleasant surprise to find something you once wrote and go "omg did I really write this?!". Not that it's particularly well written or anything, just that to me it's kinda like finding money stashed away somewhere that you've forgotten about, or finding little notes in between old textbooks that you used to write with your classmate when you weren't really paying attention in class. Little discoveries like those, they may not have any bearing in your life right now, but will sure put a smile on your face, and maybe flutter your heart just a little bit.

I can't remember who it was written for when I first wrote it (or if it was for anyone at all), in fact I'm increasingly convinced that it's perhaps not written by me at all, because I can't write like this anymore. But, just for the fun of it, I'll re-post it here, with some minor tweaks.

A Day Like This

November 28, 2005

It’s raining.
I make myself a cup of coffee,
Put on my headphones,
Tune out and close my eyes.

And as I rock in my chair,
I let my mind wander wherever it desires.
On a day like this,
I’m only waiting, and waiting.

It’s sunny.
I grab my car keys,
Turn on the car radio,
Tune out and drive aimlessly on the streets.

And as I admire the view,
I let my instinct take me wherever it pleases.
On a day like this,
I’m only waiting, and waiting.

It’s windy.
I lock up my house,
Hum my favorite tune,
Tune out and walk to the grass-filled slope.

And as I lay down on the grass,
I let my imagination run free, to infinity and beyond.
On a day like this,
I’m only waiting, and waiting.

I’m only waiting for that moment,
Only waiting for that feeling,
Only waiting for you,
Waiting for you to turn around and meet my eyes.

I’m only waiting,
On a day like this.

New Template

2011-10-18T22:19:00.001+08:00

So, I'm testing out this new template. Kinda like it, but hate that I can't organize them according to the tags/labels and in chronological order (by month) at the sidebar. All my stuff previously on the sidebar are gone. And why is there a search bar at the top right corner! I can't get rid of it!! Can someone help me with that. :( If this is not working out, I'll switch back to the old one until they allow us to edit the layout. blergh.

I should be studying now anyway. Going offline. Later!

Addendum: Switched it back to the old template. Blogger peeps please fix the new template!

On Passion

2011-10-18T21:30:00.001+08:00

It's great to be surrounded by people so passionate in what they're doing. They never tire in teaching or sharing their knowledge, they keep pursuing further knowledge, they love that you want to know more and they get excited about you asking questions. And the best part is that no matter what these people are passionate about, their love of the subject, their bursts of energy and enthusiasm never fails to seep out and affect the others around them. It's just wow. It's completely inspiring. I'm just grateful to be here, to know these people, to learn from them.

A professor left us with this before he returned to the States: "You know, I always tell my students, whether it's clinical medicine, research or teaching, you should pick one and excel in it. It doesn't matter what. Just pick one and shine in it. If you wanna excel in all three, that's fine. But if you don't want to excel in anything, well. Then I don't know why we're here at all."

Note: Picture above was taken in Singapore Art Museum. I loved it the moment I saw it. So vibrant, so full of life. :)

Rats and Horses Don't Get Along

2011-10-05T23:29:00.000+08:00

You know what they say about people born in the year of Horse and people born in the year of Rat? That they don't get along. Well there are 3 "rats" in my house right now- my mom, my uncle (dad's brother) who stays with us on weekdays, and myself; and 2 "horses" - my dad and my (maternal) grandma. It's funny now when I'm writing about it, but sometimes things can get really heated up, and it doesn't always end well, especially between my grandma and mom; and between dad and myself. It's not that big of a deal most of the time, but it's really interesting to see how grandma always likes to irritate mom; and how dad likes to do the same to me. It's like he finds joy in pushing the button in me and will declare victory when he succeeds in pissing me off. Well okay, I do agree it's kinda fun (and funny) at times. Now that I'm not a child and he doesn't play the dominant paternalistic role as much anymore, it's okay for me to "answer back" when he said something that clearly doesn't make sense. And so, it's become our little game that we play so very often. It's the equivalent of "poke" on facebook, or if you wanna use the ping pong analogy, that works too- this is our secret ping pong game. Other people may find it weird or see me as the disrespectful daughter, but that's just what it seems from the outside. All I can say is, it's not always what it seems to be.

Anyway- today is his birthday, and it's the first birthday that I get to celebrate with him in the last 5 years. When I was away I didn't really think it was a big deal to miss occasions like these, but it sure is great to be back home and being able to be there on birthdays, weddings, and all that stuff. Dad and I don't always get along, but he's still a great father to all of us, and he makes sure he gives us the best that he can afford. The reason I am who I am today is in large part due to him; and for better or worse, I wouldn't want to change a thing. He won't be reading this, nor do I intend to let him, but I do want to jot it down in words, in my not-so-private virtual space, "Thank you for everything, love you dad." :)

Life in Numbers

2011-10-02T09:16:00.000+08:00

Multivitamins I take every morning after breakfast - 7
Number of bumps between home and school - 17 or 18 (lost count)
Distance in km from home to school - 38 ish
Average time spent commuting from home to school and back every day - 2.25 hours
Average sleep every day - 5 hours
Times I caught myself saying "I'm hungry!" - twice/thrice per day
Times I actually feel hungry - uhh.. probably every two/three hours
Weight I lost - -1 or -2kg
Days since I last went for a run - 20+

Life- there's more to it than those numbers of course. I just find myself having very little to say these days. Not at my best form right now, still trying to settle down at the new place, catching up with school work, etc. Don't like the fact that I don't get to work out, need to find a way to do that once I'm settled down. But for now, am going out for my weekly indulgence - best Penang hokkien mee in town! Yummmz :)

Back to School

2011-09-18T16:15:00.000+08:00

It's not so much the idea of being back to school that excites me, but more of the fact that I finally get to learn all that I want to learn, and do what I want to do. Here's to another four years of late-night mugging, pots of coffee, exams, sleepless nights and interesting stories. Here's to 'a new beginning'! :)

Connectedness

2011-09-18T15:14:00.000+08:00

[photo from istock.com]

Sometimes, no matter how you avoid it, it will still happen. 'It' can be anything. Human connections, for example. You don't get to choose who you meet, who your parents are, who your siblings are. Those are already pre-arranged for you, whether you like it or not. You can choose who to be friends with, but you can't help being acquainted with people who come along your way. Some acquaintances can be brief and temporary, but once you know someone, you can't undo that (unless you forget them in time, that is). Which brings me to this point: whatever you do or say to others, there will be consequences, regardless of it being significant or otherwise. It may be a few encouraging words, but it may be life-transforming to the person on the receiving end. Or it may be some hurtful words that came out unintentionally, yet was taken seriously and forever scarred the person listening to it. Every day we say and/or do thousands of things to countless people around us, but we don't know what impact it has on them. Dispose the banana skin on the floor after you ate it, and some construction worker may step on it and break his back, causing him to be paralyzed and be forever bed-bound, and consequently causes him to lose his job. And who knows what may happen after that? Without insurance, his family may starve. Wife may leave him; daughter left school to take care of him, etc. etc. All this because of a reckless behavior of a person who didn't put much thought in his/her action. Not that this will inevitably happen everytime someone tosses a banana skin on the ground, but point is, there is always a cascade effect to everything we do. It's just not always obvious or visible.

There's a Chinese saying that goes, "Think thrice before you do anything". It's definitely good advice that everyone should heed.

Singapore Flyer

2011-09-02T21:44:00.000+08:00

Some pictures taken at the Singapore Flyer. My careless self brought a camera that ran out of battery, so could only take a few shots with my phone.

Oneiroi's Orb, made up of circular artefacts from the past and present.

Journey of dreams.

View from inside the capsule.

View from above. Breathtaking!

View #2.

View #3.

Suspension

2011-09-02T04:34:00.000+08:00

Clear sky, spotted with few fluffy clouds. Light breeze caresses skin, as if trying to soothe her nerves. It would've been a perfect day, had it not been this 'thing' that's been bothering her. Why, she wonders. Why is this happening, that is. But more importantly, why is she letting it get to her. It feels as if she's hanging from a cliff, not knowing whether she'll be rescued, or if she'll fall. No amount of nature's beauty will be able to tranquilize her in that situation. Or, will it? In another point of view, there isn't much she can do, so why not try to enjoy the surroundings and find peace in it? Perception is a very strange thing. We all know that it can change our behaviors, and all it takes is just to change our perception. Yet it is, sometimes, more hard-wired that we allow ourselves to believe.

Like in this case, she could very well choose to think that this irritant, which she has no control over, is but a pimple. One that is irritating to live with, but it will either be 'ripe' and be popped out, or it will eventually go away. Either way, it'll be fine. This 'thing' that's bugging her will eventually be resolved too. Patience, and a different perspective, are all she needs.

End of August and Such

2011-08-29T18:00:00.001+08:00

Almost two-thirds of the year have gone by. So much has happened since the start of this year; hopefully more good things will happen in the next few weeks. Can't write much bout it yet until it really happens. For now, I can only hope for the best.

With regard to the incident that prompted me to write the post 'Weak' some time ago, I finally made my stance clear and said NO. There was this lady who kept pushing her products to me, forcing me in a polite-but-pushy way (but still forcing nonetheless!) me to buy. I gave in the previous few times (which made me mad at self all this while). Not that those products are of bad quality or that I don't like them, but the fact that she kept shoving it to my face annoyed the hell out of me. Where is the consumer's freedom? Even if I like and want it, I have every right to decline buying it for whatever reasons I fancy. But no, to her I must buy from her, else she'd give me an attitude! Anyway, this time I stood firm and told her straight up - NO. In a just-as-polite way as she did trying to get me to buy, I told her to save her breath because I wasn't going to buy no matter what she said. Holy cow, you should've seen how her face changed! It turned from an angelic smile to a bitchy green face, asking me why I didn't want to get it. Like I owe her an explanation for that! Wanted to say "because I simply refuse to do so, and there's nothing you can do bout it"! Or "because I just don't like your face". But didn't. Refrained self from being nasty. Unnecessary. And so, at the end she said something which pretty much can be translated to "well fuck you" - if you know how to read facial expression and filter through the cynical remarks. I came so close to retort, but again decided against it. Not worth it, plus, I'm extremely proud of self for standing firm. When I got the message across and caused her to give up on me, I've clearly won in this "battle". Victory! Heck yeah, don't you come messing with me! Just because I'm nice most of the time doesn't mean you can be a bully like that!

So yeah. Even though I was verbally assaulted, I was glad I didn't give in after all. Gave self a little pat on back, and walked out relieved. In life, there's always going to be people like that. Got to learn to protect self from those who will take advantage of us without hesitation. As for that lady, if she hadn't been such a foulmouth at the end, I'd have given her some tips on how to sell to people more effectively. Oh well.

Bite-size X's

2011-08-21T00:49:00.189+08:00

X #1. As I steer my way in and out of the human crowd during peak hours after work, I imagine myself watching my movements from a high vantage point. I must have looked like a tiny blip zig-zagging through the sea of other blips. There are times that I feel it's harder to maneuver my way amidst the human traffic than it is driving on the 5-lane 405 freeway. Thank goodness PMS only happens once a month, else I'd be bald by now from all the pulling of own hair.

X #2: This island republic is over-saturated with consumption. I don't mean it in a bad way. But it's stands out like a sore eye, more so than her neighbors, probably because of its limited land and high human population density. Everywhere I turn, I see something calling out my name, seducing me to buy them. I feel trapped, claustrophobic even, surrounded by lures of Consumption. The irony is, being someone who loves living in big cities, this shouldn't bother me, yet it does. My being so eerily conscious about this is having an effect on me, something which I can't quite explain or fully understand. To be pondered upon further.

X #3: Dreams. It's a big part of my life. I love having all sorts of dreams when I sleep. They say I'm not getting proper rest when I dream, but I couldn't care less. Life would be less interesting without them, at least for me anyway. These days I have recurring dreams about snowboarding, except its not on snow, but water. (Is there a name for that sport? Don't know what it's called.) That, and water theme parks. Roller coasters in water theme parks. There is this particular ride that I keep dreaming about. And I'm constantly looking for someone, people whom I got separated from. It's either i'm running away from someone, or chasing after someone. Wonder what it means, if it really means something.

X #4: Recently saw 'Pi' the movie. Very interesting movie, though can't say I get the ending. Ivan, if you're reading this, you should watch it (if you haven't already)! Promise you'll find it very interesting. And tell me what you think after watching it.

X #5: Patience is a difficult thing to acquire. Find myself getting antsy about things I have no control over, despite knowing very well I can't do anything but wait. So for now, wait it is.

TED Talk on Education

2011-08-20T22:15:00.089+08:00

Many of you may agree that our education system today isn't doing a great job educating our young ones, and something must be done. This TED talk by Sir Ken Robinson pointed out the problems of our education system today, and urged those who have the ability to make a change do something. I personally think that even if you're not in the position to make a major difference, this 18-minute video may still benefit you, because who knows, it may change the way you educate your kids in the future. Enjoy!

Weak

2011-08-14T23:55:00.001+08:00

if 'saying no' was an art, then i had to be the worst of the worst artists. still can't believe i had zero will power in saying no, only to regret it now, which is pointless. too late. this is not the first time it's happened to me. time and again, i failed to push back whatever force it was (be it people, or circumstances) coming towards me, nudging me to do things i don't really (or really don't) want to do. and for whatever reason, i gave in. urghhhhh i so hate myself right now!! why can't i just say NO???!! i'm good at giving sound advice to friends about this, yet i can't seem to do it when i most need to act on it. feel like giving myself a kick in the ass!

.

sure, self-loathing won't do me any good. i know that. but knowing that doesn't make me feel any less shittier. maybe i should ban myself from coffee for a week, as a punishment. or ban myself from any human contact (when not at work). maybe i should come up with a more pragmatic idea to help me say 'no' the next time i don't want to do something. in the meantime though, this rant would suffice. i actually feel a tiny bit better than before i started writing. tomorrow's a brand new week. can't say i'm really looking forward to it. but one's gotta do what one's gotta do. just got to make the best outta it.