Introverted Wife

All Hallows Read Posters 2020

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Wed, 02 Sep 2020 14:00:00 +0000

It's been a challenging year and for a time I thought making posters for this year might not be welcomed. But Halloween never dies! Even if your class is your bedroom, please enjoy these posters for All Hallows Read.

This is my tenth year making free posters for anyone to share and use to advertise All Hallows Read. Free!

I've hosted the full sized files at dropbox. They're also at deviantart, if that's easier to download off of.

I don't put a year on any of the posters, so you can reuse any of the old ones you'd like such as:

2019 - Good Omens, Sharks, Genies, and More

2018 – Ravens, Ribcages, Pirates, and More

2017 - Typewriters, Fairies, Creepy Wallpaper, and Biohazards

2016 - Pumpkin, Skeletons, Haunted Books, and More

2015 - Trees, Haunted Globe, Bats, and More

2014 - Raven, Grave Reflection, and more

2013 - Fairy Witch, Tentacle, and others

2012 - Spiders and Bats and Mummies

2011 - Universal Monsters

You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you'd like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you'd like. Time is meaningless!

Now let's get to the new ones!

This year's theme should seem pretty obvious.

Haunted House - "I know not how it was—but, with the first glimpse of the building, a sense of insufferable gloom pervaded my spirit."

Chained - "The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge."

Party Prince - "Even with the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made."

Raven - "To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core"

You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you’d like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you’d like. Time is meaningless!

Once again, they’re all free, all of ’em. So download the links, print, and decorate to your heart’s content.

Featured Author

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Sat, 07 Dec 2019 18:13:00 +0000

I'm a featured author in the December issue of Uncaged Book Reviews. Check it out to read my interview and learn more about Pride & Pancakes!

Squire Hayseed

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Thu, 28 Feb 2019 14:56:00 +0000

Change Image on Hover in CSS

Not a hero. Not a chosen one. Hayley is only a survivor.

At fourteen, Hayley finds herself with a choice -- hang for being caught stealing or become a squire. She knows nothing about the world of knights, chivalry, swords, and horses, but she knows a lot about death. In this coming-of-age tale, Hayley discovers there's more to not only the Order of Knights, but the world around her and the strength that lurks inside her heart.

Pameper Yourself Giveaway!

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 14:58:00 +0000

Pamper Yourself this holiday season with an exclusive giveaway worth over $100!

Paperback copy of Undercover Siren
Paperback copy of Fever
Paperback copy of Trials of Artemis
Paperback copy of The Rigel Affair
Paperback copy of Through The Fire
Paperback copy of Z.O.S.
eBook copy of Almost A Queen
Lip exfoliator
Lip balm tint
Activated charcoal mask
Smoky eye shadow
Purple eye shadow
Brown sugar hand lotion
Sweet pea bath bomb
Lip balm
And a surprise book!

To Enter, Fill Out The Form Below.
If it does not load properly, click here.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Meet the Authors Behind This Great Deal:

Ellen Mint

WEBSITE | AMAZON | BOOKBUB | FACEBOOK

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Sue London

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All Hallows Read Posters 2018

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Tue, 04 Sep 2018 14:22:00 +0000

September is the stepping stone to October and we all know what that means, time to get ready for All Hallows Read. What better way than with a free poster or five?

This is my eighth year making free posters for anyone to share and use to advertise All Hallows Read. Free!

I've hosted the full sized files at dropbox. They're also at deviantart, if that's easier to download off of.

I don't put a year on any of the posters, so you can reuse any of the old ones you'd like such as:

2017 - Typewriters, Fairies, Creepy Wallpaper, and Biohazards

2016 - Pumpkin, Skeletons, Haunted Books, and More

2015 - Trees, Haunted Globe, Bats, and More

2014 - Raven, Grave Reflection, and more

2013 - Fairy Witch, Tentacle, and others

2012 - Spiders and Bats and Mummies

2011 - Universal Monsters

You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you'd like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you'd like. Time is meaningless!

Now let's get to the new ones!

Raven -- When the ravens perch upon the lamppost, it's going to be a spooky night.

Ribs - When you don't have a bag, you have to make due after visiting the library.

Pirates -- The high seas are calling and cursed pirates abound.

Death in Green -- A horrifying visage invites you into his lair. Overlaid with the text from The Tell Tale Heart

Reaper -- The fields need tending on this All Hallows Eve

Once again, they're all free, all of 'em. So download the links, print, and decorate to your heart's content.

Enjoy!

Halloween 2017!

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Wed, 01 Nov 2017 18:43:00 +0000

And what should greet us on the typical late October day when the dead are said to walk the earth?

Why snow, of course.

From about noon until 6 it snowed fat, white flakes. No ghost, goblins, or ghouls were spared.

But I'm sure you're here for pictures of the Skeleton Petting Zoo

The newest addition was my dragon.

And a little triceratops skeleton for the zoo.

Check out the video to see all the display at work:

All Hallows Read Posters 2017

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 12:09:00 +0000

September is the stepping stone to October and we all know what that means, time to get ready for All Hallows Read. What better way than with a free poster or four?

This is my seventh year making free posters for anyone to share and use to advertise All Hallows Read. Free!

I'm trying something a bit different by hosting the files at dropbox. They're also at deviantart, if that's easier to download off of.

I don't put a year on any of the posters, so you can reuse any of the old ones you'd like such as:

2016 - Pumpkin, Skeletons, Haunted Books, and More

2015 - Trees, Haunted Globe, Bats, and More

2014 - Raven, Grave Reflection, and more

2013 - Fairy Witch, Tentacle, and others

2012 - Spiders and Bats and Mummies

2011 - Universal Monsters

You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you'd like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you'd like. Time is meaningless!

Now let's get to the new ones!

Torn - Things are getting stranger around here when an eerie message appears on the tattered wallpaper of an abandoned house.

Slime - Who doesn't love to dig handfuls of gooey slime out of the mysterious meteorite strike? Warning: May discover secretly unknown super powers or grow extra limbs. Alien larva discovered squatting inside of your thoracic cavity are not affiliated with Slime-n-Goo industries. If ingested please consult a mortician.

Firefairies - The firefairies are hard at work in anticipation of the coming solstice. But don't get too close, these fairies sting with a powerful bite that won't stop until your skeleton is burned free of its flesh sack.

Typewriter - Click clack go the keys. Click clack rattle the bones. The writer doesn't hear the echo until it's too late.

Typewriter Gif - If you want to do some digital promotion, I also made a motion poster (gif) of the typewriter.

Once again, they're all free, all of 'em. So download the links, print, and decorate to your heart's content.

Enjoy!

Handmaids Tale Short Story

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Sat, 22 Jul 2017 17:18:00 +0000

Back in June I wrote a short story to enter into Wattpad's contest tied in with Hulu and The Handmaids Tale. It was to be something inspired and set in that world but not using any of the characters or plot. Oh, and only 500 words.

I'm sharing because I found out that my story The Flood got chosen as one of the Top 25.

They'll eventually pick 10 out of those to be the real winners (or already have, it's hard to tell), but it's just nice to be nominated.

Free Books

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Sun, 19 Mar 2017 22:52:00 +0000

For the past year I've lost my mind and taken to writing a ton of Dragon Age fanfic.

I collected all four books about my Cullen and the Hero of Ferelden into one giant one, which you can download for free at Smashwords.

My Love

The entire series of my Cullen and Lana Amell stories as they travel from Kirkwall to Skyhold and beyond. A what if story if the mage Warden required Cullen's assistance while he was in Kirkwall. After connecting in the deep roads, they begin to rekindle their momentary romance in Skyhold. But with Adamant looming, it's not meant to be.

Romance, humor, pain, loss, and a few happy tears during this colossal epic that crosses all of thedas. From Ferelden to Tevinter and beyond, the story includes many familiar Dragon Age faces from Alistair to Zevran and everyone in the middle.

Contains My Warden, My Templar, My Hope, and My Future in chronological order.

Read the entire epic in one book with a few special pictures.

Or there's the latest one I just finished up about Alistair falling in love with his bodyguard.

Guarded Love

Alistair's life isn't all bad. He's King, he's got two kids he adores, a wife he's vaguely aware exists, and pants that fit. The only thing missing in that blissful domestic picture is someone to love. But all in all, things were weirdly working out for him.

That all changes when assassins dare to come after him and his children on the little prince's naming day. With a threat brash enough to attack the King in broad daylight, he takes on a personal bodyguard. Picked seemingly at random from the City Watch, Reiss thought she was little more than an average elf trying to make it in thedas. Now it's all on her to keep the King alive against this enigmatic threat and try to ignore the fact she keeps blushing whenever he smiles.

A follow up to my Cullen/Amell saga My Love.

The Cake

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Sun, 08 Jan 2017 21:38:00 +0000

It's that time when I pull out my pitiful cake decorating skills all in honor of my husband's birth. I give you his banana birthday cake for 2017.

I decided to not want to try too hard, so I added drops of food dye to the frosting and then proceeded to mash it all around to create a lazy tie-die look.

To the frosting and cake itself I added some rum flavor to make it taste a bit more like banana's foster. But we're mostly here to marinate in my terrible decorating skills over the years. Let 'er rip!

Today my husband adds another notch on that old belt of life. Which means I once again must don the mantle of butcher, baker and candlestick maker.

After the balors, vampires, and mind flayers have been butchered it's baking time.

If you missed the cakes of yester-year here's a quick reminder of why I will never replace Martha Stewart or anyone who's ever properly held a piping bag.

This madness, this odd tradition of my wallowing in incompetence began years ago with this cake:

Truly it is a modern expression in the play of black against blue then held down and forced to swallow yellow play-dough. Oh and then a few sprinkles for funsies. She is the cake we must never forget or it'll break into your house and steal your furniture.

This is such a bad cake it was put on the no fly list - twice.

The next year, despite all common sense I actually tried with piping bags and everything:

Adorable baby sea turtle sprinkles covers all shame. I wish I could explain the ectoplasm ringing the sides but I assume I had to fight a giant portrait of a member of a hair metal band that was looking for a baby and had to run.

Then I went avant garde, post-modern, and other fancy sounding terms that means I meant for it to look like that and you can't prove I didn't.

Why is the cake a teal color? Who knows. Why does it seem to be constantly oozing over the side? Because I want it to. Why does it...? That's enough questions now Mr. Nosey, nosey pants.

One year I went ambitious on the cake aspect and less so on the covering in frosting approximating something like decorations.

I broke from the typical banana cake mold (which I'd only spice up on occasion) to make one of Celebration Generation's Banana's Foster cake. I did a few things differently.

1. I added a banana back to the batter along with a bit of creme de banana for that super yellow fruit kick.

2. I completely forgot to add the pudding until I had the batter sitting in the pans waiting for the oven. This then lead to a lot of cursing, repouring into the bowl, remixing, repouring into the pans and a good 10 minutes into baking when I remembered "Oh shit, I didn't re-grease the pans."

So, naturally, the cake was less than forgiving about exiting from said pans and while one layer only had a crack here and there the other was condemned after an 8.9 earthquake crumbled its foundation.

The sides held in tact only through willpower and a heavy dose of duct tape while the middle bottomed out. Once it finished cooling over night I, with the help of an excavation team, moved that crumbling mess to the cake stand and swore it would never move again.

Then came the filling, that was done mostly the same, but due to structural problems (as in there was none) I didn't torte anything in favor of digging a bit into the cake and then dumping in all of the banana and brown sugar into the middle and sealing its banana tomb with the second cake.

Frosting, oh yes frosting. This was luckily my second attempt at making my own buttercream frosting, and despite the fact I own neither double boiler or stand mixer I manage to make some nice tasting spackle. Is it supposed to be that consistency? I have no idea but its edible and it clings to things, it's doing far better than most previous attempts.

Here she is, my husband's Birthday Banana's Foster Cake:

You'll note the dedication to piling all of the frosting on with a spoon and then swiping at it as a bear does intruding camera crews. A swipe here, a swipe there, eh I'm tired, let's go see what's at the dump.

Here are the guts of the cake, you'll note the single banana layer tucked away waiting patiently for the signal to kill.

Last year I went my version of old school, simple banana cake which I added some nutmeg, cinnamon and a whole lot of rum to.

And for the frosting even lazier, a cream cheese to which I poured in a capfull of banana liquor and then accidentally dumped a good ounce worth of rum.

But you're here for the picture.

If you're wondering why the cake is a strange green/salmoney color there's a perfectly logical explanation for that.

...

.....

........Look over there!

I also didn't cover the sides because I ran out of frosting. I could have made more frosting but then it wouldn't look like a dirt clod half dug out of the grass. You know, a traditional birthday cake.

So to 2014's big banana birthday cake I decided to go old school and once again try my attempts at creating something with a theme and all.

If you thought through that whole tutorial that my largest problem is that I never tried and surely over the years I had to get better, your undiluted optimism makes me smile and shake my head sadly.

What I tried to do was create an RPG map with the green being a graveyard, the lump of frosting being mountains, and behind is some yellow sugar to mimic the desert. Because there's always a desert. (The candles are supposed to be quest markers)

What you actually have is a cocoa cream cheese frosting I flopped onto the cake with the skill of a drunk man fighting with pudding fairies. The mountains were because I had a ton of leftover and I wasn't about to let it go to waste. Instead of pasting on another layer, I just lobbed it at the cake and called it a landscape feature.

So, as you can see, even when I try and have a theme and get fancy sprinkles, it still approaches an abomination that must be sliced up and consumed lest its evil infest the entire world!
something happened this year, something I cannot explain even under threat of "How many lights are there?"

Last year in 2015, something weird happened.

I made a decent looking cake.

Believe me, I'm more shocked than you. This has never happened when I've tried, when I haven't tried, when I've dropped the cake side first into frosting and smeared it with a fork (By the by, if you want a bloody looking cake, try to frost Red Velvet with a butterknife. Massacre cake!)

Here is my husband's birthday cake.

Why is it Dessert at Tiffany's Blue? Because I had a lot of blue food dye but not enough to take it to the next teeth staining level.

What's with the crystals speckled throughout like fly poop? Run with what you have, also crystal fly poop is gonna be huge!

And the spiderwebs...I dumped some black frosting into a bag, snipped the end, and had it dribble in a line. After that there was only one way to go: massive spider invasion.

Apparently I cannot use fancy piping tips, but give me a ziploc bag and I'll pipe out a decent spiderweb. It's that time again, the one day of the year when I show off to the world that no, I do not have the Martha Stewart, Pinterest approved decorating skills. Cakes and the art of making them pretty is something I have never and will never be able to accomplish. I should have my piping bag (which I never use) locked up (way ahead of you), and have the rank of lady stripped from my name because I cannot frost a cake.

But I still try for my husband because he's always celebrated with a banana cake for his birthday and I guess I love him and stuff. Shut up!

This being the internet and all, you can laugh at my failure along with me. This is the 2016 birthday cake.

I've never had a proper arch-nemesis before but this cake was pushing close to that title. I don't know what it was that I did to anger the baking gods, but I cursed a storm at the batter that splattered all over the place and the baked cakes that decided they rather enjoyed being in the pan and had no intention to leave.

But, after the liberal use of threats by butter knife, I finally scrapped both out and it was time for frosting.

Once again, the cake proved wilier than I anticipated. I think there's still chocolate frosting on the ceiling somewhere. After employing both spatula, spreader, and my fingers I managed to shellac the cake in a coating of chocolate cream cheese frosting. Next time I'm using a trowel and a caulk gun. It'd probably go better.

As for the decorations... We've been in a bit of a Fallout rut here lately, so I suppose this is my landscape/post apocalyptic cake.

There's a beautiful sea teaming with shark corpses:

The only bit of green laden in flattened turtle shells (good for the radioactive soil):

And in the deserts, there was a raider attack on the settlement of the gingerbread people. (Yes, that is food dye to mimic blood, I am that twisted)

Also, due to sprinkle incompetence, a shark is buried in the middle of the mountain range. Try to explain THAT science!

And those are all the cakes of Birthday past. Tune back in next year when the cake and I finally come to blows. In the end, only one will be left standing.

Happy Holidays

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 14:41:00 +0000

Marvel Yule Log

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 00:59:00 +0000

Do you love watching the slow combustion of logs on your television or mobile app for hours at a time? What if it's tied in with your favorite Marvel heroes?

Have I got a deal for you!

To get us out of the bleak midwinter, Marvel + Coke teamed up with the polar bears to bring us the apartments of five of their beloved heroes.

First is Cap's, complete with his old shield plus folded up flag on the mantle and his round shield on the floor. There's even a picture of Peggy Carter on the end table. It'll play the same O Christmas Tree song in old jazzy tunes throughout the hour. I assume that's because Cap adores the song and thinks there's nothing weird about binging on it as he's dancing off screen in the kitchen while handwashing dishes.

Ms. Marvel's comes complete with her New Jersey homestead where the teenager of course left her clothes laying on the couch as well as an Avenger's comic book. You'll hear the apartment life throughout the hour as her parents shuffle around preparing dinner.

Thor's is surprisingly modern with stucco walls instead of stone. He did seem to murder and skin a Coca-Cola polar bear for a rug. Not sure how that helps with the crossbranding. You can see Mjolnir and his cape left on the left side bench as well as a tiny hammer on the mantle. Randomly, green light will flash as I assume Loki comes home for Noremas dinner to make his mom happy.

Iron Man's is all about Tony Stark's favorite character -- himself. With a giant painting over the mantle that's also holding every various helmet of the armor, it's clear who this room belongs to. There's a tiny picture of Pepper up in the corner. The pizza box is left open because, if you notice at 4:52, there's a giant man who looks a bit like Galactus hanging around outside the window. Christmas can wait when there's a world to save.

Saved for last is quite possibly the cutest of them all, the Guardian's of the Galaxy ship. A bit weird, it's not a fireplace but some kind of orange plasma ball. What makes it so adorable? At about 30 seconds in the music kicks in and...well, you have to watch the video to see. Spoilers and all.

You can see it even better in the close up, which Marvel was also nice enough to include for all the heroes.

I know what I'm putting on in the background for my Christmas Eve cooking and present unwrapping this year.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, A Survivable Boxing Day, and general Happy Holidays from me, Cap dancing to O Christmas Tree for the 50th time, Iron Man bashing in Galactus' big big head, Thor falling for Loki's christmas cracker, Ms. Marvel sledding with Lock Jaw, and the most adorable baby dancing tree there is.

Halloween 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Tue, 01 Nov 2016 19:47:00 +0000

I have a giant bruise on my knee, my fingers are diced like hot dogs for a pre-schooler, and there's a good chance I started a fire somewhere I forgot about, but halloween is over!

Woo!

Let's celebrate with pictures!

My dog went as spaghetti. She was rather meh on the idea.

And now I die until next year.

All Hallows Read Posters 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 14:05:00 +0000

September is the stepping stone to October and we all know what that means. Time to get ready for All Hallows Read. What better way than with a free poster or five?

This is my sixth year making free posters for anyone to share and use to advertise All Hallows Read. Free!

I'm trying something a bit different by hosting the files at dropbox. They're also at deviantart, if that's easier to download off of.

I don't put a year on any of the posters, so you can reuse any of the old ones you'd like such as:

2015 - Trees, Haunted Globe, Bats, and More

2014 - Raven, Grave Reflection, and more

2013 - Fairy Witch, Tentacle, and others

2012 - Spiders and Bats and Mummies

2011 - Universal Hammer Monsters

You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you'd like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever.

Now let's get to the new ones!

Pumpkin - Nothing says Halloween quite like a carved gourd (unless you've got a turnip around, pedantic)

Bones -You never know what you find when you open a book.

Tombstone - I wanted this one to feel like those old book covers from the 70's and 80's. Haunted nostalgia.

Graveyard - A statue reading a book inside a cemetery inside a book. Don't Blink, you might miss the best parts.

Bloody Wall - Sometimes you just need giant eyeballs, spiders and a touch of gore. It's Halloween, let's get spooky.

Once again, they're all free, all of 'em. So download the links, print, and decorate to your heart's content.

Enjoy!

Refreshing Halloween Props

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 13:29:00 +0000

It's that time of year when I'm haunting through every store to get a taste of their Halloween treats. A few have gone -- Michaels, Menards, Home Depot, Spirit -- but a lot are waiting until Labor Day is dead and in the ground. *twitches thumbs*

While some things I buy as is a few often need a little bit of help so this weekend I took a few props and made them awesomer.

First was a Cyclops skull from Spirit. It's neat that it's ol' cyc with its mammoth skull influence but the fact it's a blowmold and the painting is meh I decided it needed some flesh.

It was a simple case of dipping paper towels in latex then spreading it across the skull.

After the latex dried, I just painted it. First I used a wood stain for the base but that was too light so I mixed in some brown and black acrylic with my sponge to give shadows and depth.

Cyclops looks a lot gooier now.

My other find came from Home Depot. A fun little secret is that it's really easy to get those cheap ass looking tombstones and turn them into something cool. All you need is paint and a sponge.

I found one with a carving I liked, but the paint job was meh sliding into snooze town.

First I added a layer of brown. Brown is vital to giving depth to tombstones. I know, that seems stupid, but trust me. If you want to mimic the look of old stone, brown helps to not only age but give it a heft.

After that, it was various shades of black or grey depending upon if I wanted to lighten or shadow a section.

Instantly better tombstone I managed in about an hour. When I don't have the time to carve one myself (which can take days to a week), I like to get a cheap one and fix it myself. The liberal application of paint can make any store bought tombstone look ten times better.

Dragon Age Art Colored

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Sun, 28 Aug 2016 22:52:00 +0000

If you're not following me on twitter or facebook you may have missed out that I started a Dragon Age series (that's nearing 500K words because I am a blabber mouth).

It began as an idea I had to wind together Cullen with the Hero of Ferelden and turned into an amazing chance for me to meet and get to know some awesome people.

One of them is Space_Aged who out of the blue did a picture of Cullen and my Amell.

Adorable right?

Because that's not enough, she surprised me again by illustrating a scene from My Future.

It was in Black & White, but I - in trying to avoid writing - decided to color it.

She was entertained with my coloring instead of chucking badgers at my head, so I did a few more.

Here's an adorable one of Cullen and Alistair being all sweet.

And this adorable one of Cullen & Dorian:

Anyway, head on over to her tumblr, check out her stuff and give her a note, or chord, or however tumblr works.

ETA: two more I colored on because I need a project badly:

Taliesin - Elven Assassin

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 14:03:00 +0000

In preparation for Book 3, I ordered a fancy commission of Taliesin. He's my elven assassin in Dwarves in Space.

I got it from Icedwing Arts who also did my Variel.

What To Do When Your Childhood is Destroyed

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 15:00:00 +0000

Today is the end, the fabled apocalypse predicted in Tobin's Spirit Guide -- July 15th the Two Thousand and Sixteenth year of our Lord, marked in the annals of history forever as Destructor Friday. Aka the release of Ghostbusters with the ladies in it!

Cries and lamentations echo down the stricken streets of America, fully grown children wailing in their cribs as they face what this will mean for their future and their past. Well, don't worry. I'm here to help guide you through this trying time before everything we've ever known is destroyed by the Public Culling police.

First, you must gather together the sacrifice of what must be. By decree of all reboots, in a ritual fire shall be tossed your copies of the original Ghostbusters movies. For once a new one shall appear, all memory of the original is forever wiped from human conscious and never spoken of again. 'Tis Ape Law! (The one with Tim Burton's Ape Lincoln. No one knows who Charlton Heston is anymore).

While you stand over the fire, the flames a disturbing green from boxes of Ecto cooler popping like zits in the heat, mourn. Not just for yourself (though there will be plenty of that I'm certain), but for every other person that existed upon this planet who can no longer delight in the phrase "He slimed me." Can no longer wonder how you respond when someone asks if you are a god. Will not understand why the hell there needed to be a ghost blow job scene. Gone. Every second of it that has been shall never again be. That is the power of reboots.

For within the flames burns not only the movies of your past, the toys with only boys on the packaging (even in 2016), and your single solitary man tear, but also chars to ash your childhood. No one on the entire planet can understand the true suffering you must endure because someone dared to remake a beloved movie from your childhood, you probably shouldn't have seen anyway (dear lord were there a lot of sex jokes in Ghostbusters that went right over our heads).

No more long summer days of you peddling your bike to the dirt lot to try and build you own treehouse, no more hazy nights chasing after bugs -- all of it gone like chaff on the wind. As you rise from the fire, every ounce of misery and angst burned from your body with it, there is only one avenue remaining for someone as twisted and gnarled as a man with no childhood. With all of your loved ones obliterated from your life because of the existence of a reboot, any reason to cling to the things you once cared for, joy itself drawn from your soul like weep from a wound, what more can remain for a man but to become...

Batman.

It's true. He had no childhood because his parents were gunned down in front of him.

You no longer have one because the Ghostbusters reboot deleted yours from existence.

Sure, you don't have the money to afford all the fancy gadgets or the wise and caring butler who'll call you on your shit. Nor do you have the lifetime of training spent traveling the globe to become the best at everything (it's a wonder Batman doesn't just club his enemies with his oversized ego sometimes). But now you have the traumatic lack of a childhood that in turn gives you the drive to become the Batman of All Star Batman And Robin. Which means soon you'll be kidnapping kids, forcing them to eat rats, and all while shouting "God Damn" with every other sentence.

Thanks to the evil executives at Sony daring to think a vagina was strong enough to lift a proton pack every man in America shall be twisted and warped by their gutted childhood into the Dark Knight himself.

Look upon what you have wrought, Paul Feig, and tremble.

Free and 99 cent books!

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Tue, 12 Jul 2016 14:00:00 +0000

To celebrate my birthday this week I'm offering the first two Dwarves in Space books for only $0.99

Get the first Dwarves in Space here
And the sequel Family Matters here

Thousands of years after the jewelry's destroyed, the sword reforged, the dragon ridden, and the indecipherable prophecy translated into a recipe for sugared biscuits, the dwarves turned to that final frontier: space. And along came the elves, orcs, gnomes, trolls, ogres, and those vermin-like upstarts, humans.

Dwarves in Space is Tolkien merged with Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in a horrific transporter accident.

That's not all! You can also get my books The King's Blood and And They Lived for free! That's right, just head on over and download them for no money at all.

Save the Prince, save the world. Maybe stop for coffee.

A kingdom on the verge of collapse, magic threatening to rip the world apart and the only one who can save it all is a black teenage girl.

Space Plant

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 15:50:00 +0000

Over the weekend I got two new succulent plants that were going cheap. The only problem, I needed a new pot for them.

Cue the paint!

This one I did by hand and with the help of my sponges. Because of that I don't have a lot of easy steps for how to make it yourself. How I paint a planet is to make a big white circle, dab on black, then blue until it looks good.

After the acrylic I coated in a sealant to try and preserve it and also make the stars shiny.

Now my space cactus can live beside the Dragon Age petunias until winter comes.

Bethesda at E3

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 20:27:00 +0000

Bethesda opened in probably one of the dorkiest ways possible with this bootup screen:

If you can't read the fine print, they're bringing back...

Quake: Champions

It was your typical fighter game trailer of a bunch of guys who could easily stand in for Thanos' impressive purple jawline shooting, maiming, and buzz sawing each other. There was even one woman. An entire woman. That's how you know it's a diverse game, when they managed to get a blue haired chick.

Coming to the PC at 120htz with unlocked frame rates, there will be arena combat and hallmark fights. I assume this means there's a level where every player has to get their favorite barbie ornament for their christmas tree but find there's only one left and do battle for it.

From the studio that revived Doom comes Quake - mining your childhood for all it's worth.

Elder Scrolls Legends - Strategic Card Game

Bethesda is gathering some of those sweet magic moneys with a new card game.

You can sign up for the beta and they're working to bring it to tablets and android by and by.

They played the obligatory let's pretend there's a plot to this card game trailer but my feed went wonky at that time. I'm pretty sure there's an evil owl that's forcing people to play card games for his amusement. When not cleaning up all of its vomited rat bones, of course.

Hedwig's first taste of real power. It's set in the Elder Scrolls universe so if there is any mention of said elder scroll(s) it'll be totally by accident.

Fallout 4

Tons of DLC

I am not joking about the tons of DLC. For supposedly being done, they had a bunch of Fallout to show fast. Starting up is Contraptions which is coming next week. It'll let you build things like elevators, sorting machines, conveyor belts...

All the things necessary to make your settlements feel more like home, if you lived inside a weapons machinery warehouse with an assaultron as your butler and a pet deathclaw named Fluffy.

To keep driving home the fact that Fallout 4 is basically Sims with more explosions: Vault-Tec workshop.

That's right! Now you too can build your own rat maze of a vault in July 2016. They took the fun of Fallout Shelter and gave you the ability to torture, I mean test, your vault dwellers to your little heart's content:

And the last one is Nuka World coming August 2016:

That was all we were told so I'm guessing it's a build your own amusement park where you can take your vault dwellers as a treat after accidentally growing them a second head named Gary.

Speaking of Fallout Shelter, they're updating that too and porting it over to PC.

New characters, new locations, new enemies and all of them are the Pope. He's not as Innocent as he looks.

You can't stop Fallout no matter how hard you try!

Skyrim

Guess who's coming to the next gens? Dragon vikings!

Old Skyrim:

New Skyrim (They gave it a good urine stain before setting it free)

They're adding such shiny new things as water shaders to talk smack about you to your face:

Screen-space reflections which are not a new spell that'll create an alien copy of your character to fight for you, no matter how much that should be real.

And God Rays. When someone asks if you want god rays, you say yes!

But the best part about Skyrim heading over to the next gen consoles, aside from looking even prettier than before? You're getting mods, you're getting mods, you're all getting mods!

I don't know why anyone wants more chickens, lest you intend to anger the mighty chicken god who everyone in Skyrim worships, but more power to you I suppose.

Prey:

Bethesda had one new game to introduce and it's called Prey. The trailer opens with a guy (because, despite it being in first person perspective you'd only play as a guy, the default gender. Women don't really exist after all. We're an illusion thought up by the chicken god) going through his normal routine. Wash face, drink coffee, play with space suit, check on his eyes turning bloodier each morning.

Everything goes to shit (because it's a video game) and the guy wakes up to find he's trapped in Portal. Just kidding, GLaDOS would make it way too awesome and women aren't real.

Seems this Morgan guy is the key experiment to keeping humanity alive for *reasons*, except something's gone horribly wrong and aliens are coming to hunt him because there was no thing on tv that night. Aliens really need hobbies outside of anal probing.

There's some fighting, some attacking, and you seem to have contracted the black oil cancer from X-Files:

But only as a guy. Guys are our last hope for humanity, none of that weird, non-existant woman stuff. Guys only.

Doom

Unto The Evil

Anyone else like to shout DOOM! at the top of their lungs like they're running through a castle in Latveria swirling a giant green cape around them? Just me? Doom!

Doom's got some DLC coming with a new playable demon, new gun, equipment, taunts, and modes. One is called Exodus, the other Sector, as well as three free for all modes:

Remember demos? Bethesda suddenly does because for this week you can download Doom's and play it. Seems a bit like closing the barn door after the horse's already booked a new stable on AirBnB but what do I know.

DOOM!

Elder Scrolls Online:

They are damn proud of themselves for having 7 million players, to the point it got mentioned so often I didn't even have to take notes. It's embedded forever in my brain. Who invented the cotton gin? Eli Whitney. What's the capital of Saskatchewan? Regina. How many people are playing Elder Scrolls online? 7 million!

On June 23rd they're heading off to Japan which means a bunch of people will have to give it up so they'll keep at the magical 7 million watermark. No more, no less. 7 million is the balance in the world.

Good news for us poor console owning bastards, the Dark Brotherhood quest is coming on tuesday.

You're heading off to Cyardil which has gotten really spiffed up since Oblivion when it was all stashed under some dead lady's statue. They even got themselves a few skeleton guards to stand around looking cool.

The other change to Elder Scrolls Online (7 million) is that all characters are now automatically leveled. No more level restrictions to areas. You can go anywhere at anytime to kill all the mudcrabs to your heart's desire.

Okay, that's enough pussyfooting around. Let's get to it. The big one of the night.

Dishonored 2:

I am crazy excited about this game. Sneaking ones are my jam and toast. Add in the fact that there are a dozen different ways to complete a mission and I'm in heaven. And this time you can play as Emily. Emily!

The world's looking familiar: if you jammed Skryim, Fallout, and Bioshock into a victorian blender and hit frappe. And I mean that in the best way possible. The steampunk references are still felt.

And clockwork robots patrol museums, which you just know we'll be putting blades through to stop (does it count as murder if you destroy a few bird bots?)

As is black skull guy. Not sure about him. Maybe he's a friendly barber in this world with almost no women except the Empress and a few prostitutes.

Their street cleaners need to stop using cherry kool-aid to scrub the cobblestones though:

The plot begins in Dunwall fifteen years after the first one where Emily is celebrating the memory of her mother along with her father Corvo. You can play as either the new Empress or her old father/bodyguard and I was 1000% percent all set to be Emily until I heard him speak in the trailer. Maybe my ears aren't up to snuff, but I could swear it's the same voice actor as Thane from Mass Effect, who also recently did Kellogg in Fallout 4. It's a good thing Dishonored is meant to be replayed because that's a touch choice.

I can see why he wore that steampunk mask the whole time in one. Corvo's looking a little rough around the hobo gills there.

As always happens when there are thrones involved, someone usurps her shiny crown and now it's up to Emily (or Corvo Thane) to travel to the new island of Karnaka to get it back.

We got to see some pretty cool gameplay segments first set in the dust district which seems an odd thing to have on an island (where's all that dust coming from?) but it gives the devs a chance to include, you guessed it, weather. Random dust storms will flare up to make things difficult because nature's a jerk like that.

Emily's abilities look bonkers cool, especially Domino. It lets her sync up various guards so that whatever she does to one affects them all. Stab one guy, they all go down. Of course, if you want, there's still the pacifist option which is what I try to take. Did a run in one where I didn't kill a person because Corvo is sweet as a Carebear. We also saw a few examples of her far reach and a shadow walk that let her sneak around like venom from Spider-Man.

She's got all new powers while Corvo's have been updated and they can be upgraded like in the last game.

We also got to see another cool level involving a creepy mansion where your magic powers don't work, but there's time shit.

Attached to your wrist is a little time portal that lets you take a peak at both the present when the mansion's abandoned and then the past when it was full of guards. By using that you can hop in and out, taking down guards, then zipping back to the past for safety.

All in all Dishonored 2 looks amazing and I can't wait to get my claws on it, even if I still want to strangle the Stranger every time his smug voice starts up.

Dishonored 2 drops November 11th and you can get a fancy pants definitive addition with Corvo's mask and Emily's ring (which I assume will be important). Pre-ordering Disohonerd 2 now will include the definitive edition of Dishonored for free if you haven't played one for some reason. (Don't trust Roger Sterling, ever).

That's all Bethesda shared, which was less games overall but a much better and deeper look compared to EA.

Doom! *flares cape*

EA at E3

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 16:56:00 +0000

EA kicked off the festivities at E3 this year by inviting you all in to play. Play was the word of the day. They really really want to invite you to come play inside their windowless van, and then put the lotion on your skin or you get the hose.

Play to Live! seems to be EAs new catchphrase as they keep dropping it with a big grin, which also sounds like a new comic featuring the Joker teaming up with the Riddler in a Frank Miller book.

To show off that this is the FUTURE! they also had a conference happening simultaneously in London which we'll cut away to for absolutely no good reason whatsoever beyond the fact we can.

The Future!

Titanfall 2

October 28th 2016

Having broken free of their deal with the devil (Mephisto's been working with Microsoft ever since the last reboot at Marvel), Titanfall 2 will be coming to the PS4 for the first time. Seeing as I am one of those dirty Sony people I know nothing about the game. My notes from watching the teaser trailer for the multiplayer are as follows.

Leap around. Shoot people in big robots. Hit people as big robots. Fly around shooting more people as big robots. Hit people with even bigger robots. Eat people? (I may have been getting hungry at that point or there's a cannibal mode. Who can say?)

Like all games on EA, this'll be running on the Frostbite engine which is pretty (and every damn game at the conference will mention Frostbite as if someone bestowed a golden apple upon them. Look, I know it looks nice but we're not talking ambrosia from the gods here.)

There were be six new titans along with new combat abilities, more customization, and all the other buzz words people throw out for the second in a series. You can sign up for the multiplayer test on titanfall.com.

If you're more of a Single Player campaign moder like me good news, it'll have one of those as well. Which, going by the trailer seems to involve you forming a bond with Optimus Prime before he got teamed up with Michael Bay and his life went down the crapper.

Protocol One - Link Pilot

Protocol Two - Uphold Mission

Protocol Three - Shoot Shit.

Coming October 28th of I assume this year.

Madden 2017

It seems football continues to exist and we have to cut over to London to talk about Madden 2017: You can't stop their freight train with a nuclear warhead. Those brits sure love their American Football, don't cha know.

Because there's almost nothing to say about "we updated the rosters, tweaked a few graphics and Earl finally stopped swiping my strawberry yogurt out of the fridge" the talk focused on their competitive gaming. I felt like I suddenly slipped into The Wizard.

For reasons beyond my understanding they interviewed two of the eight finalists, I assume to prove that the average person is shit at giving an interview.

I know nothing about anyone on stage, but my money's on the guy with his arm in a sling. I bet he'll play with his feet! You can watch it on twitch, youtube, or hell (Mephisto's got the best hookups).

And what are these men competing for? Why one millions dollars!

Mass Effect: Andromeda

The one we've all been sitting on pins and needles to talk about, how people have been leaping about in speculation for all the secrets, maybe a hint of the plot, mentions of characters and we got nothing.

We learned, yet again, that it'll take place in another galaxy. *looks at title* No kidding. That the case will be new *looks at title, remembers how ME3 ended* Again, no duh. And you will be the alien. *looks at title* Ah...it's not worth it.

There is a shot of a ship:

More N7 armor, so I guess Shep and your character were bunkmates at one point (not like that, unless you're already writing the fanfic for it)

An Asari who they called a new alien in the voiceover but come on, that's an Asari.

Some biotics:

I'm guessing the Not-Shep character choosing the Renegade option:

And doubling down on the popularity of FemShep a female character at the end waking up from her traveling through hyperspace to face down Andromeda.

And that's about it really. My $10 theory says that with the reintroduction of the Mako a lot of this is going to be open world letting you explore the alien worlds and set up settlements or make contact. I admit, I'm not wild about that idea myself. What I love about Bioware is the story, the emotional buildup which you just can't get with open world. The ability to go anywhere at anytime works fine for the shallow pool in the Bethesda games of Elder Scrolls and Fallout, but if you want a connection you need something linear.

Anyway, it's all speculation at this point. We won't hear anything more until "Fall" which I bet will land somewhere around N7 day.

FIFA 17

September

Back to London to talk about that football they actually give a shit about. In a curious turn of events, it seems the sports games decided to have their own campaign mode called The Journey (how long do you think they worked on that title?).

You play as Alex Hunter, a guy breaking into a wacky world of soccer which includes such heart racing moments as looking at windows:

Traveling on a plane:

Looking at laundry:

I bet there's a quick time event where you have to fill out paperwork with just the right pattern or you get hit for perjury! Whew!

If The Journey isn't up to your speed, don't worry there's still the ol' soccer game of soccer.

Last year they invited Pele to come stand on stage and look very lost about what was going on. This time it's that guy!

That guy! seems to be a Manager for Manchester United, which is the newest addition to FIFA 17. Kids go crazy for getting to play as the manager. It's a proven fact.

The best part about José Mourinho being invite to the stage was the way he sneered when asked about the video game itself. Seems his son plays it way too much and wakes him up at 4 in the morning. Great job there selling it guys. Fifa 17 - it'll piss your parents off.

A few of my other notes from the Fifa 17 trailer - The pitch is important which is a soccer thing and not baseball, I think. Dead ball? Do some soccer balls come with skulls inside? I am 100% with soccer now. They made transformations, not Transformers. Too bad, giant robots playing soccer would be cool. There are more french accents here than in Assassin's Creed Unity.

Fifa 17 - It's Football for the rest of the world, you stupid Americans.

Fe

Last year EA invited the team behind Unraveled to the big stage. They're mining into the adorable Swedish creations again this time with Fe. (Seriously, is everything in Sweden big eyed you want to cuddle it to death adorable?)

Fe is about our relationship with nature. You wake up as a young cub alone in the world exploring by using music as they call it.

I'd say it's more like solving puzzles by making cute sneezing noises at things. Squee inducing, adorable sneezes that can help your little lemur character team up with flying manta rays.

The enemies are The Silence (no, not those Silence) who take out your adorable sneezes. I'm guessing either their a stand in for man or anti-histamines.

Sweden, stop being so damn cute! You're making the rest of us look bad.

Star Wars

It continues to exist, and with those sweet Disney dollars rolling in it's unlikely it'll stop before we've gone Mad Max. The Thunderdome will play regular screenings of all the trilogies when people aren't fighting to the death.

There's not really much revealed, which should have been the real tagline instead of that creepy thing about playing to live. EA - we don't have a lot to say.

A new Battlefront will be coming next year with new fights to fight and battles to wage. Looks like Cloud City'll be there along with Lando looking a wee bit too smashed on Colt 45.

Visceral studios has a new action adventure game coming out in 2018 with a new story, new characters, and a certainty to piss enough fans off to encourage a hashtag or two.

Looks gorgeous and also like the First Order are still Space Nazis. That's about it. Aside from the usual "we really like Star Wars and think it's fun to play in that sandbox" we know nothing.

Galaxy of Heroes is doing something tablety:

And at one point in existence, Respawn will release its own third person adventure game which they proudly show off by showing two guys mo-capping a lightsaber fight which is what I bet Daisy Ridley is doing right now.

Star Wars - It'll never end. Never.

Battlefield 1

After a bit of bragging about how it has 60 million players because if you can't dick measure at a videogame con where can you, we learn that Battlefield 1 takes place during World War one. It seems we've finally mined every ounce we can from WWII, so everyone's going back to the great war with trench foot, poppies, and blimps. Oh, you better believe there are blimps.

So many blimps:

Before they played the entire trailer, they did a teaser then cut to some big Battlefield game that had Jaimie Foxx and Zac Effron fronting sides. What in the wild world of filling out your insurance before being let on the soccer field do you think those two had to talk about?

"I won an Oscar."
"Well, I, uh, was in a few Seth Rogan comedies."
"Please stay over there."

Okay, that's enough celebrity awkwardness, back to the game. Now we can watch the full trailer. You can have up to 64 players at a time all scrambling to be the first to kill Archduke Ferdinand. Got to brag about that Frostbite engine again because if you don't mention it you will explode on stage. It's happened before.

They're very proud of their dynamic weather addition which'll include fog, rain, sun, and a hail of frogs (but only over France). Along with the blimps, you can also climb into battleships, planes, and armored trains to fight the war to end all wars.

Battlefield 1 drops October 21st. The end of all war however is far off.

That's all from EA, a whole lot of "uh, we swear we finished our presentation before today let me just push some pins into an eraser and call it a piggy." On the plus side, they can't break any promises if they never made any so...win?

Far Harbor - A Review

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 17:00:00 +0000

(Insert pun about the fog everyone has to make before starting these)

Be warned fair sailor, thar be Spoilers lurking in these murky depths. I shall attempt to keep 'em contained within Davy Jones's locker but it's a wee bit hard to talk about the plot without mentioning the plot unless I pull out hand puppets. *whispers* I am being told hand puppet to text technology has not been invented yet. Damn lazy scientists.

If you're just coming in out of the mists yourself, Far Harbor is the big kahuna DLC for Fallout 4. So grand was its creation, Bethesda came out to brag about its massive size and increase the price of their season pass. The big question hanging over this supposedly massive DLC is, is it worth the $26?

No.

Okay, okay. Let's begin at the beginning of the quest. Like everything in Fallout, you have to stumble into this DLC by listening to a radio broadcast which points you to visit Ellie at the Valentine Detective Agency.

Before heading out, grab Nick. I don't care where you left him, if it was months ago and there are dozens upon dozens of places to stick your companions without any way to locate 'em, find him. You will want Nick with you. A good chunk of the plot revolves around our favorite synth's backstory and at one point only Nick can unlock a door. So, I hope you didn't get him stuck in a deathclaw pit or anything, otherwise, happy digging. (Sadly, while we learn more about Nick, no one at Bethesda listened to the masses and let you romance the synth, even if he is fully functional.)

Nicky's got you heading north to the only kept up and clean house in the Commonwealth. It's so nice there's even water in the sink. I may have spent five minutes dropping things into it to see if any would splash out. In my defense, holotapes are boring as sin to listen to.

It seems their daughter Kasumi's convinced herself she's a synth and buggered on up north to a place called Far Harbor that's also home to Acadia - a mythical synth refuge. You borrow their boat and head off to the new map island where things start to look a touch creepy.

Note, on the way up to Far Harbor do not touch ANYTHING! If I so much as bumped the camera control stick the game went BOOM! Might just be a PS4 thing, but that's a fun Bethesda bug to look out for.

Climb out of your little automated boat you're not allowed to steer (I assume you and Nicky water skied in shifts for the two day trip up north) and you'll meet the denizens of Far Harbor. They're sort of our stand in Minutemen, the humans just trying to survive despite blah blah blah. Of course there's one jerk who's trying to get the rest killed because jerks gotta jerk. Can't have a horror story without one jerk.

They're quick to introduce you to the new monsters on the island - Gulpers, which are overgrown salamanders, and the Fog Crawlers which are awesome. I want one as a companion. I bet it makes creepy wing-snapping insect noises then leaps on my enemies to suck their brains out through their ear canals. Having bested our newest creepy crawlies which, if you're anywhere close to level 50+ are not at all difficult to take down, it's time to find Longfellow and get this main quest going.

Longfellow.

I do not like this Longfellow. He's your standard cliché old man hunter who's gruff, a loner, and talks about how he'll make an Island Woman out of you yet (blech!).

Eventually, Longfellow becomes a potential companion. That's right, another god damn male companion. We have three female companions: Piper, Cait, and Curie to varying degrees of cliché. Try and name all the male companions in one breath. Here we go:

Danse, Deacon, Preston, Hancock, Strong, MacCready, Nick, Codsworth, X-68, Longfellow.

And breathe. Bethesda, you could have done something, anything more interesting than old white gruff guy living alone in his shack. Shit, just making it a woman turns your caricature into a character. An older woman, with grey hair, wrapped in the furs of her kills, who doesn't take crap from anyone. Boom! Ten times more interesting than Longfellow. I'm picturing Mom from Futurama with a harpoon gun. See, already that's way better.

Is it just me or is Bethesda running backwards?

All the Trappers (the raiders for this DLC) on the island are male. There isn't a single woman in the mix, meaning I spent nearly all my time on the island fighting men. Dear god, did I travel back in time to 2005 when we all argued about the feared existence of Fake Girl Gamers?

Even if you don't care about Longfellow or the companions because you work alone, the plot is a waste of time. It's a cup a noodles microwaved on high that burst through the styrofoam and oozed out of the hole retread of the main game. On one side are the residents of Far Harbor (your Minutemen), the other the bonkers Children of Atom (the Brotherhood) and finally Acadia (the Institute mixed with a dab of the Railroad). Each faction is at odds with the other for what at first seems an interesting idea.

Upon reaching Far Harbor everyone kept talking about the fog. This radioactive, deadly fog that creeps across the island. It seems that the fog's been getting more radioactive over time and everyone's blaming everyone else. The Children of Atom bare most of the blame because, you know, crazy and their idea of christmas is finding a new cluster of tumors. Then there's the mystical DiMA, a prototype synth who shares something in common with Nick that's running Acadia. He claims that the Children of Atom had nothing to do with the fog, but can't remember why. For "plot reasons" he's missing most of his memories. Seems DiMA used to be in tight with the Children of Atom until their High Confessor "disappeared mysteriously" and the new guy kicked him out, keeping his long stored memories for himself.

That creeping fog is kinda cool to watch, rendering an almost gothic and consumptive feel to the DLC.

But after having to suffer through the same desaturated misty view for hours and hours struggling to spot anything on the island I got real sick of that damn fog. My only salvation was the idea that the main plot would let me solve the radioactive fog question and clear some of it for the people, maybe reveal the hidden beauty on the island buried below the rendering that put me in mind of the look of Fallout 3 - brown, featureless, dull, Super mutanty. (Can anyone explain to me how there are so many Super mutants and no female ones? It's starting to really bug me now)

Yeah, that doesn't happen. The fog question, never answered. Why the Children of Atom's previous High Confessor vanished, also never answered. The main questline is so damn short I finished it without even realizing in about four hours (with a lot of wandering in between). It is the most linear main plot I've ever stumbled across in a Bethesda game, and that's saying something. No surprises, no shocks, no even what the hell are you thinking? If the plot were a math question, we'd be eating the same number of apples and wondering why all our siblings are the same age. It's that bloody boring. There were things remaining to explore across the island, but I was expecting something new like an addition to the Fallout lore, to the world, to at least crack open any new theme beyond a replay of synths versus humans.

There is one new section of gameplay that will have you tearing out your hair and cursing Fallout's shitty controls. And it's, of course, required.

Welcome to DiMA's memories, an area you have to sift through to conclude the I guess we have to call it a plot. It's like if the Geth Node in Mass Effect 3 and Portal had a really stupid baby that was also infected with lice.

You know how when building your settlements, when you put down a table or chair they always come out backwards facing the walls? Imagine having to get a chair lined up just right, meters above your head, with only enough space to turn once around before you fell to your doom and have to start all over? That's trying to get through DiMA's memories.

The puzzle itself is a typical Bethesda one where they think they're more clever than they are. It's not too bad, especially if you've ever played Portal -- the teeth grinding comes in trying to accomplish it in tight quarters and boxes refusing to line up. If you haven't played it yet, you'll see what I mean. If you have, you're already nodding in agreement and probably trying to fish a controller through the hole in the wall where you threw it.

My biggest problem with Far Harbor is it's not interesting. There are a few little fun things but by all that is good and holy, it is not worth the $26. I keep comparing it to another island DLC from Bethesda, The Shivering Isles in Oblivion. That thing was freaking huge, with interesting dungeon crawls and a main story that didn't go A to B to C you're done. Bye! There are almost no buildings to enter and explore on Far Harbor, only their Vim Factory (which is the obligatory Nuka Cola competitor that makes you smell like lobsters, apparently). Other than that, it's a few boats and ruins which you can barely see because of the unexplained fog. All in all, dullsville baby.

It adds nothing to the world, raises no interesting questions, and gives us barely any memorable characters. Longfellow is a snore, a snore I want to punt off a cliff. Honestly, about the only interesting one is Nick and his familial revelations but even that is brushed off in true Bethesda fashion with an "I don't want to talk about this ever again." Emotional arcs are too hard, so just pretend nothing happened. At this point it feels like Bethesda and Fallout in particular have completely abandoned any attempts at telling a story. Which wouldn't be so bad if their bread and butter of exploring was fun, instead of stumbling across a few shattered houses, picking through the remains, killing a Super Mutant, and cursing at the fog.

Unless you're a completionist or really like fog, I say give Far Harbor a pass.

Dragon Age Planter

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Mon, 23 May 2016 14:56:00 +0000

Now is the summer of our content - provided we didn't piss off the Tudors and wind up buried under a carport.

I love any excuse to dig in dirt and smell bright things, so gardening is the perfect hobby to pick up when the weather turns nice/excruciatingly hot/dead/nice again. While ceramic pots are fancy and all, I have a dog who's less than graceful when she's chasing after a tennis ball.

The problem with preferring plastic pots is they're boring as sin to look at. Flat browns and muddy greens is all anyone can bother with while ceramics get the prettiest colors and shades. But no, I shall stand up against Big Ceramic and make my own eye catching plastic planter.

Designed to house my black petunia and candy corn plant (it's my Halloween in summer design) this is crazy easy to make. All you need is a planter, spray paint, cardstock, an exacto blade, and tape.

I printed off the dragon onto the cardstock and proceeded to slowly trim it out with the exacto blade to make the stencil. You could do this with any of your favorite emblems and have an entire gamer garden.

The only trick is to make sure you get the fusion spray paint that's designed to stick to plastic (which is one of the 10 wonders of the modern world. I couldn't do a tenth of my prop making without it). If you're working with a terracotta planter then you needn't bother, the old fashioned stuff is fine.

Make sure to leave a long drying time between the first color layer before adding the stencil. The fusion stuff stays tackier longer and tape may flake it off.

Now, tape up your stencil and get to spraying. Once it's all dried and you've touched up some inevitable run off, plant your elfroot in there and you're ready to save thedas.

Dog Bite Revisited

noreply@blogger.com (Ellen Mint) — Thu, 28 Apr 2016 22:55:00 +0000

This is for that blonde, Stepford prig who accosted me on a walk because I dared to write a blog about an incident involving her dog biting mine. Seems she's mad because I called her moronic husband an idiot because he let his dog burst out of his front door, run across the street, AND BITE THE ASS OF MINE!

No, you bleach blonde bitch, she was not scratched. She was bitten! A veterinarian inspected the bite marks inside her anus. Animal control took pictures. We had to harass you for weeks for you to just pay the $60 for her medication when your dog BIT MINE IN THE ASS!

There was weepy, bloody discharge coming out of her ass. That doesn't occur from a scratch mark, that's caused by your dog attacking mine completely unprovoked, you screeching harridan. She didn't just bleed on your front lawn, she bled the entire long walk back home, on the floor while I held her, and on the trip to the vet. So don't you dare come at me with your made up imaginary world of that being a scratch.

I wondered how your dogs could be such terrors to the point anyone who walks near them lives in fear but now I understand. Your head is shoved so far up your own ass you cannot accept responsibility for anything. Rather than do anything about your dog attacking mine, you'd rather blame me for writing a post on my personal blog you searched to find what your dog did to mine, my family. And because you know Stepford must be a bad word what with all those syllables it means I'm just as bad as you. Right lady. That'll hold up in court.

Your dog, your property, bit mine IN THE ASS! Fucking deal with it! Your denying will not change the facts. Real life isn't fox news. I have documentation, vet bills, Animal Control took pictures. Your own front yard was coated in my dog's blood. Who knows how many other dog's blood yours has taken before or since.

My dog is still scared of chocolate labs, especially any off a leash. And do you know why? BECAUSE YOURS BIT HER IN THE ASS!

You were the one who bothered to google search for me, for your dog biting me in the ass. I left no connection whatsoever to your boring ass house here, you got to keep your privacy. But then you dared to shout at me while I was walking past, minding my own business. Just like that July day when your dog ran across the street and bit mine in the ass! Teeth marks in her anus and her vagina. Deep enough to put her on antibiotics. To have blood gushing out for miles.

You're fucking lucky we didn't see any reason to sue. To force your animals to be put down. It wasn't just the chocolate that ran across, but your little white snippy things as well. How many has it bitten as well?

The next time you feel the urge to fire up Google, maybe look up some classes on taking responsibility for your own shit first. And please, do not wait sitting in your front yard to yell at people you hurt because that reflects poorly upon you to the neighbors your dogs terrorize and is pathetic as hell.

My dog has never bitten anyone. My dog is well trained. She didn't even yelp when people kept touching her butt to document what yours did. If you can't be trusted to train a dog to not bite people because you can't own up to your own shit, then don't own a fucking dog!

Peace and Love, blonde bitch.

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