Investment Banker Jokes

Quotable J.P. Morgan

2011-12-28T18:28:00.000+08:00

Courtesy: Google Images When asked what the stock market will do, J.P Morgan (1837-1913), the banker, financier, businessman replied: "It will fluctuate!"

Credit Crunch

2011-12-28T18:13:00.000+08:00

Photo Courtesy: Google Images Resolving to surprise her husband, an INVESTMENT BANKER's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"

A Turnaround

2011-12-28T17:44:00.001+08:00

Courtesy: Google Images There was a tremendous turnaround in the market today. A stockbroker who jumped out of a window on the twelfth floor, saw a computer screen on the seventh floor and did a U-turn.

Managing Director

2011-12-27T18:05:00.000+08:00

Photo Courtesy: parrots4parties.com An INVESTMENT BANKER goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three nearly identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the right costs $500." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the INVESTMENT BANKER. "Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do pitchbooks." "How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the

Frequent Flyer

2011-12-27T15:02:00.000+08:00

Courtesy: traveltips.usatoday.com Q: What's the difference between an INVESTMENT BANKER and a vulture? A: INVESTMENT BANKERS accumulate frequent flyer points

A Stiglitz Anecdote

2010-11-22T12:06:00.001+08:00

Photo courtesy: Google Images Joseph Stiglitz, who shared the 2001 Nobel Prize with George A. Akerlof and A. Michael Spence, had once served as President Clinton’s Chair of the Council of Economic Advisers. In this capacity, he was privileged to have joined cabinet meetings where he often found himself torn between "the ideals of economic theory and the compromises of practical political

How Bad Is The Economy?

2010-10-23T23:24:00.000+08:00

Let me share another good one from a Casey Research's Daily Dispatch: The economy is so bad that… I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEOs are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you

The Danger With October

2010-10-23T09:00:00.000+08:00

Here's a funny (but true) quote I picked up from one of Casey Research's daily newsletter: “October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” –Mark Twain (Photo courtesy of Google Images)

Amusing Management Mottos to Live By

2010-08-10T17:59:00.000+08:00

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them. * * * If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't have no idea of what the problem is. * * * Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen times gives you job security. * * * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't

Joke About Traders

2010-08-09T10:48:00.000+08:00

I've got something funny here from AnalyticalQ.com: A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude and saw a man below. "Excuse me, but can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am," he said. The man below replied: "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground. You are between 40 and 41

Biblical Humor

2010-06-08T22:08:00.000+08:00

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. The Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always

Cheat Sheet

2010-03-27T14:02:00.001+08:00

This is an accountant joke, but since it is part of an i-banker's job to work with financial statements, I thought I could post this here as well: “A very respected accountant was facing retirement. He had served loyally for 40 years, and in that long and distinguished career never misplaced or misreported a single penny. However, early in his career colleagues had noticed a foible.” “Every

Always Count Your Fingers

2010-01-21T10:10:00.000+08:00

A financier had a wide reputation as a man difficult to separate from his money. A couple of promoters approached him one day and tried to sell him on a scheme they had. The financier talked with them for a while but said he could give them no definite answer as yet. Telling them that he would communicate with them in a few days, he showed them out of the office. One of the promoters seemed

The Legendary J.P. Morgan

2010-01-21T09:15:00.000+08:00

A legend of doubtful authenticity has it that J.P. Morgan was once present with a group of men at a bar in the financial district. Beckoning to the waiter, he ordered a beer; at the same time, saying, "When Morgan drinks, everybody drinks." Everybody had a beer and when Morgan had finished, he slapped a dime upon the table, saying, "When Morgan pays, everybody pays."

Financial Genius

2009-12-13T10:09:00.000+08:00

My online friend Oleg Palamarchuk contributed this joke: One day the teacher-polyglot met his old friend who shared his problem: “I have owed a thousand dollars and can’t give back.” “One thousand dollars?” the teacher re-asked him. “I see you’re a poor man.” “Why?” “If you owed $ 10,000 you would be a small enterpriser. If you owed $ 100,000 you would be a

Monkey Business

2009-09-29T22:03:00.005+08:00

I posted this earlier in my IBanker blog under a more "formal" title, consistent with the character of that blog. But since this is a jokes blog, I thought my title here could be more down to earth--where I could call a spade a spade. Here goes the story:Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.The villagers, seeing that

Jokes About The Crisis from Oleg Palamarchuk

2009-03-31T20:57:00.005+08:00

Teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk emailed these jokes to me today. I'd like to thank him for his continuing support to this blog:One day a student asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:“Can you tell us unmistakably and certainly when the world economic crisis will be overcome?”“As a true predictor, I think that I won’t make a mistake if I say certainly nothing.” ***One day a student

Really Fast

2009-03-15T16:37:00.002+08:00

INVESTMENT BANKER # 1: How fast is your car? INVESTMENT BANKER # 2: Well, it keeps about six months ahead of my income generally.(Photo credit: Google Images)

Smart Like Dad

2009-03-15T16:27:00.003+08:00

INVESTMENT BANKER DAD: If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand? SON: He never would, Dad. After he got $900 he'd buy a car.

Like A Milk Ticket

2009-03-15T16:04:00.004+08:00

During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money. The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be

A Mexican Wall

2009-02-16T08:54:00.002+08:00

As the recession in the US deepens, there is speculation that Mexican authorities are considering building fortified “border fence” to prevent jobless Americans from sneaking into Mexico to look for jobs as farm, construction workers or domestic helpers.(Source: Boo Chanco's column at The Philippine Star)Photo credit: Google Images

Wall Street Disease

2009-02-16T08:45:00.003+08:00

A retired New York resident who has moved to the West Coast to retire, visited a local doctor to seek medical advice for what he suspects as new and very unusual health problems.Patient: “Doc, I feel shortness of breath, dizziness, cold sweats, can’t sleep. Do you think I will collapse any time soon?”Doctor: “Yep. You must be from Wall Street!”(Source: Boo Chanco's column at The Philippine Star)

Remember The Golden Rule?

2009-02-03T12:51:00.005+08:00

Here's something I picked up from a recent Reuters article:Two people produce fake 15 yuan notes, although there is no such thing as a 15 yuan bill in China.They decide to go to a remote mountain area to spend it and buy a candied melon slice for 1 yuan. They burst into tears when they get two 7 yuan notes in change. (There is also no such thing as a 7 yuan note in China.)(Photo credit: Google

Olympic Sport

2008-12-01T20:44:00.007+08:00

Q: What is the one thing Wall Street and the Olympics have in common?A: Synchronized diving.(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, December 1, 2008)

How Securitization Works

2008-11-30T08:50:00.005+08:00

This one came from my email today. Originally titled, "How the bank bailout works," I thought it's more of a securitization joke given the pyramiding aspect of transactions involved, so I re-titled this accordingly:Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I