Investment Banker Jokes

Monkey Business

2009-09-29T22:03:00.005+08:00

I posted this earlier in my IBanker blog under a more "formal" title, consistent with the character of that blog. But since this is a jokes blog, I thought my title here could be more down to earth--where I could call a spade a spade. Here goes the story:Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.The villagers, seeing that

Jokes About The Crisis from Oleg Palamarchuk

2009-03-31T20:57:00.005+08:00

Teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk emailed these jokes to me today. I'd like to thank him for his continuing support to this blog:One day a student asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:“Can you tell us unmistakably and certainly when the world economic crisis will be overcome?”“As a true predictor, I think that I won’t make a mistake if I say certainly nothing.” ***One day a student

Really Fast

2009-03-15T16:37:00.002+08:00

INVESTMENT BANKER # 1: How fast is your car? INVESTMENT BANKER # 2: Well, it keeps about six months ahead of my income generally.(Photo credit: Google Images)

Smart Like Dad

2009-03-15T16:27:00.003+08:00

INVESTMENT BANKER DAD: If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand? SON: He never would, Dad. After he got $900 he'd buy a car.

Like A Milk Ticket

2009-03-15T16:04:00.004+08:00

During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money. The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be

A Mexican Wall

2009-02-16T08:54:00.002+08:00

As the recession in the US deepens, there is speculation that Mexican authorities are considering building fortified “border fence” to prevent jobless Americans from sneaking into Mexico to look for jobs as farm, construction workers or domestic helpers.(Source: Boo Chanco's column at The Philippine Star)Photo credit: Google Images

Wall Street Disease

2009-02-16T08:45:00.003+08:00

A retired New York resident who has moved to the West Coast to retire, visited a local doctor to seek medical advice for what he suspects as new and very unusual health problems.Patient: “Doc, I feel shortness of breath, dizziness, cold sweats, can’t sleep. Do you think I will collapse any time soon?”Doctor: “Yep. You must be from Wall Street!”(Source: Boo Chanco's column at The Philippine Star)

Remember The Golden Rule?

2009-02-03T12:51:00.005+08:00

Here's something I picked up from a recent Reuters article:Two people produce fake 15 yuan notes, although there is no such thing as a 15 yuan bill in China.They decide to go to a remote mountain area to spend it and buy a candied melon slice for 1 yuan. They burst into tears when they get two 7 yuan notes in change. (There is also no such thing as a 7 yuan note in China.)(Photo credit: Google

Olympic Sport

2008-12-01T20:44:00.007+08:00

Q: What is the one thing Wall Street and the Olympics have in common?A: Synchronized diving.(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, December 1, 2008)

How Securitization Works

2008-11-30T08:50:00.005+08:00

This one came from my email today. Originally titled, "How the bank bailout works," I thought it's more of a securitization joke given the pyramiding aspect of transactions involved, so I re-titled this accordingly:Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I

Survivor Bank

2008-11-26T15:03:00.004+08:00

"If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year only two banks will be operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!Then these two banks will merge and it will be called "The Bloody Fucking Bank."(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, November 26, 2008, as passed on to his e-group by Peter Wallace)

Three Takes On Investment Bankers

2008-11-20T17:27:00.004+08:00

How do you define an optimist? An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.* * *What's the difference between investment bankers and London pigeons?The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on a new BMWs.* * *What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?A large pizza can still feed a family of four.(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, Oct. 22, 2008)

MBAs After The Meltdown

2008-11-20T17:01:00.003+08:00

Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?A: To ask for their money back.(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, Nov. 19, 2008)

It Takes A Thief

2008-10-15T02:49:00.004+08:00

Some years ago while Baron Rothschild and a nobleman friend were taking a pleasure trip along the Rhine, a young lad on the boat noticed the end of a silk handkerchief sticking out of Rothschild's pocket.With visions of the fabulous value of a Rothschild handkerchief, he took the end of the handkerchief and gently tugged at it.At this point, the nobleman turned to the Baron and whispered: "Baron,

A True Blue Investment Banker

2008-10-15T02:26:00.004+08:00

A first year investment banking analyst, employed at a relatively modest salary by a Wall Street bank, began conspicuously to lead a rather lavish life, dressing flashily, buying a German sports car, and otherwise giving evidence of sudden wealth. Finally, the HR manager felt called upon to speak about the matter and asked, "How is it that you, whose salary computes to only $3,000 a week, can

Six Bankers

2008-10-11T22:26:00.004+08:00

The following note was found among the effects of a hedge fund partner after his death. He has long been known for his frequent lapses into bankruptcy."I hereby name the following six bankers to be my pallbearers. Since they have carried me for so long during my lifetime, they might as well finish the job now."

Take It Easy, Man

2008-10-11T22:00:00.007+08:00

A stock broker, suffering a slight nervous breakdown from the Wall Street crash, was taken to a hospital to rest.While more or less in a daze, he overheard his nurse say, as she handed the patient's chart to the doctor, "Temperature today, 102."Weakly the broker raised his head and said, "When it reaches 102 1/2, sell," then wearily fell back against his pillow." (Thanks to Google Images for the

Two Rats--And A Wildcat

2008-10-11T20:09:00.001+08:00

Here's a circa 1887 joke about Wall Street from Life, vol. IX, no. 230, p.289. See how amazingly timeless its moral lesson is:An old rat, whose long residence in the city had given him great knowledge of the wiles of civilized life, observed one evening a tempting bit of cheese close by his favorite hole in the wall.Instead of greedily rushing at it, he called a young friend, saying, "Whiskerando

Bush on Bank Closings

2008-10-02T21:23:00.005+08:00

Here's a joke from the Jay Leno show:"You know, I'll tell you, once again, I don't think President Bush gets it. He doesn't really understand economic issues. Like today, he was asked if customers should be concerned by all these bank closings. And Bush said, 'If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM.'"

Like A Baby

2008-10-01T20:08:00.003+08:00

The current Wall Street meltdown has frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he was worried.He replied that he slept like a baby.He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the bank failures?”He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours… I do that a number of times through the night until

The Game Of Life

2008-09-11T12:56:00.004+08:00

You can't win. If you don't try and run after money, you lack ambition. If you run after the money, you're materialistic.If you don't get it, you're a loser.If you get it and keep it, you're a miser.If you get it and spend it, you're a spendthrift.If you still have it after a lifetime of work, you're a fool who never got any fun out of life.You just can't win.(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

One Percent Only?

2008-09-11T12:52:00.000+08:00

Two partners graduated with an MBA at an elite university, then opened a store in the city that failed in a month. A third man who had no schooling bought the store from them and made it a huge success.The two asked him, "We can't understand it. We studied business but failed. You, who never went to school, are a big success. Why?"I'll tell you," he said "I buy a thing for one dollar and sell it

World's Oldest Top Recorded Jokes

2008-07-31T22:13:00.001+08:00

According to the University of Wolverhampton, a British university, the world's oldest top recorded joke has been traced to a circa 1900 BC saying of the ancient Sumerians, which goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."The second oldest recorded joke is a 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru: "How do you

12 Tips From Investment Banking Analysts to Managing Directors

2008-07-24T23:45:00.005+08:00

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of

Performance Appraisal of an Investment Banking Associate

2008-07-24T23:19:00.006+08:00

The Boss asked for a letter describing Steve Jones:Steve Jones, my INVESTMENT BANKING ASSOCIATE, can always be foundhard at work in his cubicle. Steve works independently, withoutwasting company time talking to colleagues. Steve neverthinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he alwaysfinishes given assignments on time. Often Steve takes extendedmeasures to complete his work, sometimes