mindf@#k

what is the body if not a place where you store all anger and happiness and pain?

2011-10-10T02:26:00.005+02:00

...........................

word.

Knock them down, dominoes

2011-10-06T03:08:00.000+02:00

A little over three years ago, I was traveling around Europe. I was invited to hold piano recitals in various cities with a piano ensemble group that I was part of. As it was my first time walking on European grounds, I was thoroughly amused and amazed. I remember landing in Frankfurt and stepping out of the airport and seeing the German city at dusk. The feeling that I always get when I travel - the strange realization that I am miles away from home on a different point in the world map - wrapped around me.

I was young but I did my best to see and learn as much as I could. Three years later, I can look back and confidently say that I made the most of that trip. All the silly things, the crazy adventures, the wrongdoings I'll never forget - I don't regret any of them. For a month I moved around from city to city...each time I left behind one city, I continued on to the next without looking back. I was always on the road, visiting seven countries without a home base. That's what I liked the most of that trip - that I didn't have something holding me back or something to go back to. Each time I left something behind, it opened a door to someplace new.

It's quite bizarre how we all want some degree of stability and consistency in our lives. I mean, without it at all, life would just be one huge mess. Then there's some of us that avoid patterns, routines and the "return trips" back home.

Sometimes I just cringe over the fact that I'm not brave enough to continue onto new places. I get uneasy when I have to settle for something, and my mind is constantly searching for something different. My imagination always runs wild, yet I really haven't lived up to it. The conventional life paths that society carves for us - 12 years of education, 4 years of university, career and marriage, family and children - that's too boring. It's too predictable and makes too much sense. Or it makes no sense at all.

If I had it completely my way - without the social expectations and pressures - I probably would be playing the keyboard on a street corner in Prague or wandering around the beachside towns in Southeast Asia...tattoo sleeves and all. I'm jealous of the very few people I personally know, who have the audacity to just fuck it all and do whatever they feel like doing. Our days are limited after all, and I just see too much more misery and frustration than anything out of people that continuously live in the mainstream bubble.

I just miss the feeling that I carried with me that summer in 2008. It only lasted a month - then I sadly had to return to my own home base in Canada. But it never fully faded away; there's a little spark left within me that occasionally fuels the urge to relive that amazing experience again.

pensées sans fin

2011-09-25T04:25:00.000+02:00

Never did I think that I would be continuing this blog in a whole new world. But here I am, in the midst of the similar situations that always brought me back to writing - 4 a.m., sitting alone in the dark, pensive as ever. Apart from the fact that I'm half way across the world from home, there really is no difference.

I left this blog alone for 11 months, after deciding that I had too much to experience to devote any time jotting my thoughts down. I was partly right: I saw and felt a myriad different things that helped me learn and grow. But now that I think of it, I really do wish I had kept all of my memories in writing. I mean, I do remember clearly what emotions I felt at certain moments but there is nothing like reliving the past experiences through the detailed descriptions of my own words.

So here I am. It's never too late to start again. I'm clearly incompetent when it comes to committing as proven by the seldom posts that I actually do write. But that doesn't matter. Who says I have to write every certain hours or days? I'll come back to my journal whenever I please - whether it be every 2 days or a few months.

My life in France is only beginning to unfold and I'm unsure as to how I should feel about it. I would be lying if I said I am having the time of my life. When I first realized that, I sat still for a few moments in shock. How could I possibly not be loving the experience that I've always wanted? The opportunity to get out of Vancouver - the place that gave me so many tumults - was finally here and I am not completely satisfied.

Maybe the idea that I'm way too greedy is completely right. I'm just never satisfied - I never have been. I never settle, I'm never pleased with what I have. All I ever want is something other than what's in my hands. For all those years of ups and downs, I only wanted one thing and one thing only: to leave Vancouver and leave behind the painful experiences that left me labelled as a foolish or a mediocre human being. When my first attempt to do so failed miserably, I was devastated. It changed me completely and I almost gave up my goals and ambitions. I just couldn't give a fuck about anything anymore.

When my second chance finally came to me, I was more than ecstatic. But since my arrival, that sense of liberation and excitement has diminished. I am having a great time and enjoying all the new things I get to see - but there is just something about being away from home that makes me feel slightly uneasy. Maybe I've finally become attached to Vancouver - I'll never know. All I can do is make the most of my time here - and then maybe I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Spell

2010-10-26T03:56:00.000+02:00

Spotlight's shining brightly on my face
I can't see a thing yet I feel you looking my way
Empty stage with nothing but this girl who's singing this simple melody and wearing her heart on her sleeve
And right now I have you.
For a moment I can tell I've got you.

Speechless but the words are filling up my mind

2010-10-08T10:15:00.000+02:00

I'm very greedy.
I'm one of those people that want to pursue everything and fulfill as much satisfaction as they can. Every year, I set high goals for myself and stretch myself out too thin, attempting to push my boundaries further and further out.

It definitely can't be good -mentally and physically- to try to do as much as I'm doing right now. Every single day, it's 9am to midnight, running from place to place, juggling a million different things on my hands. But, whatever. It feels good.

If there's anything I learned from the hell experienced at Trans, it's that the best thing I can do for myself in the end is to do whatever makes me happy.

You know what constantly stays on my mind, though? The explosive urge to get the fuck out of here and go somewhere new. I get bored easily, and I've had all the excitement I can get in this place.

A condensed message

2010-09-05T13:47:00.000+02:00

It's been a while since I've written on this blog.
Last post was in December of 09, which was some nine months ago. A lot happens and changes in nine months.

I never thought I'd say this, but, even in college, I'm still wrapped in uncertainty.
I'm unsure of so many things that it sometimes makes me uncomfortable or even crazy. I guess I wasn't as mature or prepared as I thought I was. I ended up making more stupid mistakes these past few months than I probably have in my entire high school journey. I did things I am definitely not proud of, and that I'll wish I had never done.

What was I thinking?

I went out of control. No, this time, it wasn't a nervous breakdown. It wasn't depression, or the drugs. It was some urge within me to unleash all the desires and indulgences that I had missed out on at Trans. Going through Trans was like skipping a big step, or failing to place a piece at the bottom of a brick wall. At first, it seemed like I hadn't missed much, like the hole was negligible. But as the wall became higher, that hole made it harder for it to sustain itself.

It all came crashing down.

With the help of absurd amounts of alcohol, I was able to make a fool out of myself on many occasions and disappoint everyone around me. How could I have changed so drastically, I'll never understand.

I knew that, after that chaos, I needed some quiet time to bring my feet back onto the ground. I spent the latter half of the summer almost completely devoid of drinking and parties. I went to Miami, but, contrary to what my friends seemed to think, I spent the whole week there strolling on the beach and visiting art museums. I've been sober for the last eight weeks, and it feels great. It was a nice rest for my mind, my body and myself.

Summer is over and, in mere two days, a new school year will start. I've given up on having high expectations and setting unrealistic goals but I am definitely ready. I trust myself not to fall into the pit again...

Exhaustion

2009-12-04T08:22:00.000+01:00

So going to bed at 6 a.m. before a full day of classes was the worst idea.

There was no point in me going to classes today at all because I literally slept through every one of them..even my tutorial.

And then I went to work..so here I am, back home after 14 hours since I left this morning, completely beat down.

The only good news was I finally got my order from 80s Purple in the mail!

There's nothing more exciting than getting your online shopping orders :)

Anyways, I'm physically drained, I'm calling it an early night.

we're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars

2009-11-18T13:48:00.000+01:00

Last weekend, I became part of something I would carry with me for the rest of my life.

An emotional Saturday evening, a sleepless Saturday night, and a hectic Sunday morning later, I was officially initiated into Delta Gamma. What really struck me and stayed in my mind the most was Saturday's Inspiration. Each new member brought a personal artifact that is meaningful to her and that identifies her somehow. I shared the drawing that Wynn gave me in physics class at Trans last year...I still remember vividly the moment he passed that sketching saying "We are all here for you" while I was having a hopeless mental, emotional, and physical breakdown. At first I was hesitant to bring it because I would have to describe everything leading up to it, my past that I'm so reluctant to share with anyone. But I decided to open up, and it seems it was the correct thing to do because everyone at Inspiration really opened up about herself. Honestly, I had no idea that every single girl in the room would have such a deep story of where she came from. I don't think I've cried so much in one sitting, with so many girls together.

I came to the conclusion that the ladies in Delta Gamma are such strong and inspiring women.

And this is just the beginning, I have so much more to learn from what DG has to offer.

Anyways, I'm pretty much going to disappear off the radar the next three weeks. Three term papers, a bunch of applications to fill out, and events to prepare. The only thing pulling me through is getting my wayfarer glasses from 80s Purple in the mail soon. I'm excited.

I want a pair of Oxford shoes.

songs we never wrote, seeds they wouldn't sow

2009-11-17T14:23:00.000+01:00

Birds are chirping outside, good morning world

2009-06-20T14:14:00.000+02:00

I'm writing, editing, deleting, writing some more, and editing and deleting.

There are way too many thoughts in my head to be written down at once. This is going to take some time, but I'll begin.

And when my writing is done, and I think it's half-decent to be posted here, I'll post it.

If not, hopefully the one person I'm giving it to will read it and understand what I'm trying to convey, and that'll be sufficient.

I want a cheeseburger.

symbolic interactionism

2009-06-12T07:39:00.000+02:00

I was leaving my house today wearing a pastel pink colored racerback dress with braided straps.
My dad saw me and asked if that's what I'm wearing to go out.
Then my mom started nagging at me to go back upstairs and get changed.

According to my parents, I sometimes dress like I'm a low class.

Wait until tomorrow goes away.

you were dreaming when you didn't believe

2009-06-08T12:06:00.000+02:00

After years of blogging and writing about my problems and issues...I'm finally done high school!
But the fact that I'm closing one enormous chapter of my life hasn't quite hit me yet. Nothing's really changed. I don't think that high school graduation is as big and significant as people play it out to be. Just for a day it's a huge celebration but once it's over, that's it. You're back to being you, just moving onto bigger things. Really, graduation is just a concept. It shouldn't change your character that exists at the core. It's just a nice way to put a break in between a series of events that happen one after another.

And although I saw myself struggle through more failures, losses, depression, and other predicaments these past two years than I ever have, I can say with no hesitation that coming to Trans was worth every sleepless night..every teardrop, every cigarette that burnt. I'll miss every bit of Trans. But most of all, I think I'll miss having a tight-knit group of 19 graduates who saw each other through possibly the most difficult times.

I remember I began writing this blog exactly two years ago, when I first began having fears and doubts about coming to Trans. I remember writing about how I was ready to tackle anything about to come my way as though I had the power and wisdom to do just about everything. I remember being arrogantly confident about reaching the top and accomplishing every goal I had set for myself.
Well, thankfully, I had these two years at Trans to teach me several lessons about how wrong I was. I thought I had everything figured out; I thought I had myself figured out. But, see, I never actually did until I started seeing my weaknesses and accepting my mistakes and imperfections. If I had to determine the one thing that I really accomplished at Trans, it's not the academic work I did. It's how I was placed in a murky forest under emotional gloom and I pulled myself out of it. (With help from people around me of course.)
And if there's one thing I learned that was perhaps most surprising, is that the people you experience the same level of stress and agony as you, the people with whom you pull allnighters and spend almost half the time you're awake... they're your family.

It's soothing to know that I'll always have something to remind myself of for inspiration.

Really, though, aside from these substantial changes, I'm still me.
Still, as always, awake at 3 a.m., listening to The Beatles, with fashion blogs open, sipping on a cup of chamomile tea.

I'm still me.

careless in our summer clothes splashing around in the muck and the mire

2009-05-20T04:38:00.000+02:00

There's something I've sought after for many years that I now despise. I'm dying to let go of my desire to attain perfectionism and pragmatism. Every day, I see and feel many things and my mind almost always spins in an interminable gyroscopic motion as I analyze the thoughts in my head. All of this for what?
I'm not benefiting myself in any way by constantly contemplating everything that goes around me. It doesn't have to be so complex; there are certain things that are simply just what they appear to be. Nothing more.
I want to be able to not search for flawlessness in what I see, but find beauty in the imperfection existing around me.

It's pointless to rationalize everything, after all. There's no such thing as perfect.

these bullets, they run right past through ya

2009-05-12T06:18:00.000+02:00

So apparently I have anxiety disorder. That's what's been causing these frequent, inexplicable heart episodes. It's not a physical health condition, which is I guess some consolation. It's curable by antianxiety drugs and therapy. More drugs and more therapy.

Did I ever mention that I think traditional Chinese medicine is stupid? Acupuncture really never works. I've been dragged to see acupuncturists many times by my parents and the supposed treatments never ever worked. I went into two sessions this past week and the "doctor" poked all these holes on my body with a needle. I bled in some places. The next couple days all I could feel was extreme fatigue and a migraine. What's worse is the person prescribed me 600 dollars worth of "medicine" and my parents bought it...like I'm actually gonna drink it. I know this sounds not nice but I yelled at them..out of this pain and aches all over my body and my head especially. At least no more sessions or drinking the gooey brown liquid that smells like feet. Sometimes I wonder if rationality even exists in some Asian beliefs.

I don't know why but I feel irritated easily.
I want to make traveling plans for the summer but I'm hesitant because of the swine flu. I was freaking out the other day because I thought I had it because I was coughing a bit.

Haha, I swear sometimes I think way too much.

echo echo, i know it's a sin to kiss and swallow

2009-05-06T02:51:00.000+02:00

There's someone who always makes me smile.
No matter what, no matter how much it rains
No matter how frustrated or sick and tired I am
With everything else, it all comes down to that one person
The one person who reminds me that
Tomorrow the sun will rise again
Who holds my hand through the storm
Who shows me how to escape from
The things holding me back, from my doubts and
Despair. So thank you..

I'll only lie down by the waterside at night

2009-04-22T04:29:00.000+02:00

This morning, as I walked on campus, I couldn't resist stopping by Koerner to enjoy the sunshine. I sat beneath the Clock Tower and looked around to recognize the way everything around me seemed beatific for the first time in months. The twenty idyllic minutes I spent there were just enough to get me refreshed after a couple of sleep-deprived nights. I'm amazed at how I had even survived with 2 hours of sleep every night last year. Unfortunately, as of now, it's cloudy and getting dark but I hope there'll be more sunny days to come.

Last Sunday I went to Willingdon for the first time in months, maybe years. I don't know what it was, but when I woke up that Sunday morning I just suddenly felt the want and need to go to church. I've completely lost my faith in God and religion, and although I'm not trying to reestablish myself as a Christian, necessarily, I just hope to regain that sense of being able to believe again. So I went. Funny enough, when I got there I found out one of my friends was getting baptized. I didn't really know how to reflect upon my thoughts but I found it interesting how she used to be atheist and I had been Christian. And during all these years, we kind of headed the opposite ways. And now, there she was, standing up there confessing her faith and commitment to Jesus, and here was I, lost and still searching and completely faithless. It wasn't necessarily the fact that she was now religious that moved me, but the fact that she had the courage to declare her commitment to something. I wish I could do that.

On Monday I met up with Kim, again for the first time in months. She had always been my mentor and I realized that once I lost in touch with her guidance, I lost my motivation and that's when all fell apart. She's one of the very few people who can read exactly who I am and it helps me a lot to have someone like that. She told me that although I didn't make into Harvard, and my parents weren't too happy, nobody can "fail" or "succeed" until they're 30 and they can look back and ponder. She also told me that all this downfall I've been experiencing- if I don't fix my mistakes now it's bound to happen again, when everything matters even more than it does now. I somehow knew it in my head, but I needed to hear it from another person. I still have a lot to learn.

Nir was right. It's stupid how people say things like, "New Years Resolution," "February is a time for purification" and "April is the cruelest month." Things don't happen according to a specific time or year. You have to make them happen.

if i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.

2009-04-19T02:27:00.000+02:00

I had to leave school yesterday because my heart was fucking up again. Every time I walk out of the ER I feel like I had overreacted because everything returns to being normal. But in that moment, when my heart feels like it's going to explode and tight pressure wraps around my chest, I really do feel like I'm gonna die. My limbs go numb and it feels like all the organs in my body are shutting down one by one. It's like that every time. And some 6 hours, x-rays, bloodtests and lorazepam pills later, the only thing the doctor says is that he couldn't find the cause of this recurring sinus tachycardia.

It sucks not being able to do things I used to do without constantly checking my pulse and consciously worrying about my heart all the time. And since the doctors can't diagnose anything, they can't do anything to fix it. I guess my heart will keep pounding at 160 bpm until one day it just stops once and for all.

feel so good but i'm old, 2000 years of chasing taking it's toll

2009-04-11T06:40:00.000+02:00

Frankly, I've actually been trying hard to patch things back together - to collect the bits and pieces of my life that lay scattered around everywhere for some period of time now. And it may not be so apparent for other people yet, but I know I'm slowly making progress because I feel a lot better about many things.

But to pour out all that's been going on - both around me and inside me - is just too much; I wouldn't even know where to begin. I don't know whether to laugh at or frown upon the fact that one small mishap can lead to a series of downfalls that eventually accumulate to bring your life to ruins. All I know is I've experienced it too many times and I'm seriously ready to just stop all this nonsense happening to me.

I think during the past year or so I had simply been too uptight about everything, too conscious about where I should and want to head after high school, too much in need for control, impeccable perfection, and stoicism. I denied my own emotions and passion, I denied all options for myself but the only one I'd planned out, and consequently I ended up denying myself, my friends, and everything that pretty much mattered the most to me. That's when I began to let go and watched as things fell apart.

I guess my only justification is that for as long as I could remember, I'd been doing things myself, and I thought I'd give things a chance to do things to me. And though I definitely won't return to the pattern of being a control freak of my own life, I realize sometimes it's necessary to intervene when things are out of hand. Certainly, going back uphill won't be as easy as sliding downhill, but I'm ready and willing to try.

I was taken by surprise when Chloe called last night to talk. Her phone call was what I really needed at the moment - or what I've been needing for a while. I just somehow can't get over the thought that maybe I should have been the one to call. Anyways, I'm really thankful for that, which reminded me of the power of forgiveness. Nir also called earlier yesterday to check up on me and encourage me to stay strong. I honestly can't help but get emotional whenever I think about how wonderful my friends are to me in spite of all that I've done. And as long as I have them around me, I know I'll be okay.

Contrary to what TS Eliot says, April doesn't have to be the cruelest month.

walk on the moon with me

2009-03-25T06:15:00.001+01:00

You’ve shown me how to be sincere, to give like the Giving Tree, to believe in myself. I didn’t realize it before, but your presence had such a positive influence on me, I had become a better person through you. Although everything has died away and we’ve become distant like the Earth and the sun, you’re the reason I have what’s left of my faith in humanity.

I miss you.

a slow spinning redemption

2009-03-16T11:01:00.001+01:00

I’m back. I realized, I always have a lot on my mind – I’m the type of person who never stops thinking, who sometimes overanalyzes everything – and for me to not write about it or express it in some way is killing me.

When I was younger, I did a number of things that had a therapeutic effect on me. I painted, I wrote poetry, I played music. But lately, I’ve noticed, I never do any of those. I think doing those things is what really helped me get through ups and downs in the past. When I think about it, I was pretty fucked up as a 13, 14-year-old. No regrets, but I’m definitely ashamed of some things and understand now why people told me not to do the things that I’d done. And although some of the things that happened, I had no control over, I know for sure that things played out that way because of the way I was behaving.

Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting an endless battle against myself. I feel like there are two sides of me; one that wants to better myself and the other that keeps helplessly going back to the same cycle over and over again. To my distaste, sometimes I find myself craving to go back. And it’s inevitable, I know that. Relapse always happens. I somehow need to find a way for me to see that I have what it takes to resist and keep my focus on better things. How do I do that? How do I do it if some of the people I call my friends are constantly judging me so that I can’t even open myself up about my past? How am I supposed to show and convey my deepest emotions and inner thoughts if I’m always struggling with a conflict of contradiction within myself?

Obviously, a one-time intervention was clearly not enough to set me straight. And I hear talks about counseling, rehab, therapy…none of that’s gonna work. None of it will change anything because the one thing I need to cut my access to in my life is the one thing I know I don’t have the motivation to get rid of.

I was surprised when a friend said to me couple days ago that reading my blog has actually helped him. I don’t know. I only started writing just to show that I, too, have many weaknesses. I had been sick and tired of putting on a facade and pretending to be strong all the time. And yeah, I’ve been hurt emotionally, physically, and mentally. So I’m not afraid to get hurt again. I am, however, disgusted at how you’ve only known me for the past 18 months and have completely passed wrong judgment on me. You don’t know shit that I’ve been through before I came here. I don’t care what you have to say. Keep the thoughts about me to yourself unless you want to trigger something.

P.S.

2009-02-23T08:06:00.001+01:00

This is gonna be the last time I post for a while, until I see the need to, or have some material worth other people's time reading. My thought now is that the idea of posting and ranting my personal thoughts and problems on an Internet blog is hypocritical and only making myself vulnerable. Maybe that thought will change again some day but until that time comes, I'm gone.

Deal with the fucking reality first.

Only once they are done...

2009-02-23T07:40:00.000+01:00

Two fucking visits to the ER in one week.

I just randomly saw my post from some weeks ago predicting that the hardest downfall had been yet to come. Well I sense it coming. Anything more I do might actually kill me.

I only dread that I don't feel fear or disappointment, just anger. I don't know from where it developed, or which direction it's pointed at; all I know is it's affecting everything around me.

All I'm searching for is something to make it all stop. It's in my will, I know it. I just can't find it amidst everything else clouding my vision. I hear talks about sending me away. But, you see, they're wrong because the problem isn't that the place is killing me. The problem is that I'm killing whatever's around me. I'm the problem.

February wasn't a time for purification. It was a time to rot.

February is the time of purification

2009-02-01T23:22:00.002+01:00

Where did January go?!
It snuck up and blew past me like the wind and either there is too much to remember or I've been out of touch with reality.

All I know is January was like hell. Confrontations, fights, drugs, depression, broken friendships, insomnia.
But all the things that have been keeping me down are finally over and I'm sure that February will bring a new kind of hope.

I'm going to solve everything one by one and I'll get it done.
Starting with calling Tara and apologizing. I have to be a big girl now. No more whining or depending on other people to put the blame on.

And I know it hasn't been too pretty being around me these past couple weeks because several people have approached me and told me about my changed behavior. Especially those who've known me for a while and well. I'm sorry. I'll apologize to them, too, one by one.

I'm kissing the devil goodbye.
I've had more than enough of this nonsense.

Even if you cannot hear my voice I'll be right beside you

2009-01-28T19:32:00.000+01:00

Everything still remains twisted in a complicated knot.

It's funny, I was looking out at the sunset the other day and this random thought just popped into my head: all this catastrophe...is because there's something missing in my life. I couldn't tell you what it is and I'm not going to go searching for it. When it comes, I'll know.

I'm finished tomorrow. I need to somehow celebrate this gloriously.

Lift your spirits up..damn i know this shit's tough

2009-01-20T09:14:00.000+01:00

I made it thus far.
NINE more days and seriously everything's done. I've had enough, I'm quitting everything.

September through January have been awful.

It kills me when you get in touch with me again, so later on you can disappear.

Don't play around cause I got someone else I've found

I've got a life of my own

I've got someone who's shown me how to live and how to give

I've learned these lessons without you