Is it Noon?

I'm back! Sort of.

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:13:00 +0000

Hey everyone,

Much thanks to everyone who offered their support during my much-needed downtime. Those of you that offered comments and emails to check in on me - it meant the world.

However, after looking at what I wanted to do and my hopes for my blogging, "Is It Noon" will be shutting down sometime in the near future. I loved doing it, but it was just too much for me to keep up with.

That said, I have started a NEW, more personal blog "The Domesticated Writer." I'd love for you all to come check it out and meet me there!

All the best,

Lindsey

A Temporary Hiatus

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:32:00 +0000

Hey gang,

The author of this blog is taking a temporary hiatus due to the combined stresses of personal and work related things. I'll post updates as I can, but the daily posts will be put on pause for a while.

Do check back when you can, and hopefully you'll come back to a shinier, happier blog!

Mixed-Bag Monday: Nano Winner!

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:30:00 +0000

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving, and some much needed rest and relaxation time. I spent the majority of my time furiously pounding on my keyboard, trying desperately to get to the 50,000 word mark for Nanowrimo this year. Guess what? I DID IT!

At 50,046 words, I managed to write a not-entirely finished novel. I can't recall feeling so proud of myself as I do right now. It was ridiculously hard, but I did it. Of course, it's a pile of slop, but there are a few sparkles in it.

As I continue to work on it, I'll likely start posting a few excerpts when I feel they're ready for public consumption, if anyone feels they'd like to see any of it.

What do you think? Interested or not? Did you take part in Nano this year? What happened?

Website Wednesday: Funny or Die

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 13:28:00 +0000

I remember when Funny or Die first came out, I wasn't sure what to make of it. I thought it had potential with Will Ferrel fighting with the tiniest little landlord ever. But the website has become a really fantastic collection of old and new comedy bits. One of my new favorites is the literal 80s videos. Here's the first one.

Mixed-Bag Monday: Why Buy the Cow?

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:05:00 +0000

Today's surprise is a quick one, as I am a bit overwhelmed with work. So I give you someone else's great list: 27 popular websites that became books (with varying degrees of success). Some examples:

9. Options: The Secret Life Of Steve Jobs (fakesteve.blogspot.com)

The Secret Diary Of Steve Jobs was the 21st-century Primary Colors for nerds. Silicon Valley ate up the blustery voice in the blog, even though it made no pretensions towards being the actual voice of the Apple cofounder. But if Jobs did keep a blog, does anyone doubt it would begin posts with statements like "My life is awesome. Let's face it. It's not like I'm bragging. I'm just true… I invented the friggin iPod, OK?" The reach of Fake Steve Jobs eventually extended to poetic tributes to Jerry Falwell, tongue-lashings of Facebook ("Their slogan isn't 'Don't be evil'—it's 'Don't get caught'") and predictions of a Web 2.0 downturn by an index of slutty Flickr pictures. But the blog will truly be remembered for continuing for nearly a year after its creator, Forbes tech editor (now Newsweek tech columnist) Dan Lyons—not an Apple insider, as had been suspected—was officially unmasked by The New York Times. For a blog important enough to be investigated by the Gray Lady, the book, no matter how original, was almost an afterthought. Sadly, Lyons, a novelist in his own right, ended the blog in August with the words, "Fake Steve is not really going away, he's just taking on a new form."

16. Passive Aggressive Notes: Painfully Polite And Hilariously Hostile Writings (passiveaggressivenotes.com)

Passive Aggressive Notes mines a niche of the found-humor vein first tapped by Found magazine (which didn't make this list because it started life as a 'zine, not a website). The site compiles user-submitted photographs of handwritten notes discovered in offices, apartment buildings, dorm rooms, and anywhere else the annoying foibles of humanity knock up against each other. The book version of the website doesn't go much further than including some never-before-seen examples of thinly veiled hostility, though it is loosely arranged by theme, which allows for some interesting insight into people's various confrontational styles: Witness a series of notes devoted to changing the toilet-paper roll, which range from a series of illustrated Post-Its demonstrating proper roll-changing technique to a single square clinging to an empty cardboard tube with the word "douche" scratched on it in big black Sharpie letters. From the banal ("For the love of God, please stop burning the popcorn!") to the absurd ("Opera singer: Close your windows or shut up."), Passive Aggressive Notes is a testament to the (often unintentional) hilarity that we're all capable of when pissed off and armed with anonymity.

Link: http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/why_buy_the_cow_27_popular/1

Funny Friday: The Blog that Led to Marriage

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:49:00 +0000

I've been blogging for quite a while, somewhere in the range of about six years. It's hard to believe, to be quite honest. When I first started blogging, I was on Xanga and could only really use text and html to add pizazz to my entries. Much of it was nothing more than a bunch of whiny adolescent angst and passive-aggressive attacks on people I knew. I'm thinking I've progressed since then. (See my favorite passive-aggressive note on right to "Dear Sinner")

One of my very last Xanga entries caught my eye today. This entry was also posted on myspace, and it just so happened that a very secret admirer saw this post, and decided that I sounded like the girl for him. I married that secret admirer, though when he found the post, I had no idea he existed yet. (Yes, he was stalking me. Adorable, eh?) I had just broken up with a nice guy who wasn't right for me, and was beginning to feel that dating was going nowhere. Here's that post in its entirety.

The last few days have been really chaotic emotionally. I keep finding myself praying in a rather accusatory manner. Such as, "God, SERIOUSLY. What is going on?" Sometimes it's very hard for me to trust that everything that happens is for a reason, that there is some great plan and everything will make sense someday.

Right now, it doesn't.

Sometimes I really wish I could just get a letter from God in the mail that would read something like the following:

Lindsey,

Hi there! Just wanted to let you know what was up. In June, 2008, you're going to meet someone really awesome. He'll be just the guy for you. You'll have cute kids, with his eyes, and your nose (sorry about that). You'll laugh more often than not, stay up all night playing some inane video game, and eat ice cream by the gallon. You'll be in love the rest of your lives. So relax for now...it's all going to work out in the end!

Love, God.

Wouldn't that be amazing? My response would most likely be, "Oh cool. Thanks!" And I would go about my life with considerably less stress. So why doesn't it work that way, I ask you?!

Sometimes it does work out like that. I ended up meeting him in March of 2007, but everything else is perfectly true. We laugh constantly, we play WoW until embarrassingly late hours, and I am pretty sure I'm carrying about 8 extra pounds of ice cream weight.

I'm waiting for the letter from God that says:

HA HA! Told you so.

The Thursday: The...?

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:50:00 +0000

So in honor of you, my dearest readers, I am offering YOU the chance to decide what in the world Thursdays will bring to my blog. I had a couple of thoughts, including "Throwback Thursdays" and "Thoughtless Thursdays," but I am giving the power to the people.

What would you like to see included on this blog? It doesn't have to be cute and have a "th" sound at the beginning of the word. We can work on that later. Just tell me what you'd like to read about and see on here...and I will be a slave to your whims.

The winning entry, chosen by me, will get heaps of glorious praise and free linkage to their blog (if they have one) next week! (What more could you ask for, I tell you?)

Website Wednesday: Holy Headshot!

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 14:53:00 +0000

I confess, Holy Headshot! is not a website per se, but a website advertising a book. That being said, it is positively glorious. Allow me to share some of the more hideous things I've ever seen people have used to try to break into Hollywood.

And in addition to Ms. Sera's intriguing photo, her resume. Please note she only wears pink. In private AND public. Also, her name is Kitten. The translation of her name is essentially "Kitten whatever will be." Whatever will be is not getting hired for anything, except people who want to talk about how weird you are. (See several points on her resume about this.)

Check out: Holy Headshot for more!

Tuesday Tales: Beenie Weenie Casserole

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:42:00 +0000

Some of the more observant of you may have noticed a change in the title for today. Although I loved doing "Tips and Tricks Tuesday," I realized that it didn't quite fit the scope of what I'd like the blog to be. So instead, Tuesday Tales will be stories from my life and others I find.

Ahem.

I am alway inspired by the wisdom that comes out of small children. For example, last week I was putting my groceries away in my car, and I heard a little girl talking with her mother. She was perhaps about 6 years old, and talking quite animatedly. I slowed so I could hear what she was saying.

"It's just not right, Mom!" she was protesting. Her mom attempted to humor her, but she was having none of it.

"Just because her name is Beatrice, it does not mean she wants to be called Beenie Weenie Casserole!"

I stifled laughter, but the little girl was quite right. From what I could gather as they walked past me, the little girl's best friend was upset by the new nickname she had gotten from others in her class, and the little girl was quite indiginant about it.

It's strange the way children come up with nicknames in school, isn't it? Some make perfect sense, and others take such a convoluted path they no longer have any real meaning. I actually dated a guy named "Spud" in middle school. His last name was Taylor, which in our strange way of slurring each other's names became Tater. Then he was Tater Tot for a while. Then in a quite logical jump, someone called him Spud, and the name stuck for all of eternity.

My nickname in school was Lizard. Not because I liked them, looked like one, or shared any characteristics with one. No, it was because it was the only thing that started with L my friends thought up. I still hate it.

What was YOUR childhood nickname? (I promise not to call you by it.)

Mixed-Bag Monday: Why I love Justin Timberlake

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 16:52:00 +0000

Growing up, I have to confess that I was not a huge 'Nsync fan. I was never sure how to spell their name, and they seemed whiny and little boyish. (Now, the Backstreet Boys could have their own day of the week dedicated to them, so obsessed was I. Cough.) However, once Justin Timberlake went solo, I began to realize just how cool he actually was. When he was on Saturday Night Live with D*ck in a Box, I realized the man was brilliant, and I too would worship at his altar. So I am super excited to share this video with you of Justin once more making a very good claim that he should be back to host SNL. (Also, do all three of those guys have great legs or what?!)

Justin Timberlake & Beyonce - Parodie "Single Ladies" SNL
by Rock_You_Justin

Funny Friday: An Underwear Obsession

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:05:00 +0000

I am now quite happily married, but that has been a relatively new development in my life. In fact, I spent the first 20 years of my life as single as could be, with only a minor hiccup in middle school when I had 7 boyfriends for a combined 3 months.

During high school, I pined and mooned about for a number of boys, none of whom ever considered dating me, even for my boobs. This was quite discouraging to me. So I did what any normal high school girl would have done. I invoked magic and luck.

Now I wasn't doing spells with bits of their hair or chanting naked in the woods (though that might have attracted one or two of them). Instead I began to wear jewelry that had some sort of special significance to the boy I dreamed about at the time. For one boy, I wore a ring with a blue stone, since he looked so good in blue. Whenever I thought of him, I'd touch the stone, and make a wish. Other than looking strange, that didn't work.

The next full-blown crush, I wore a necklace with a little charm of a cross on it. (I figured getting God involved wasn't a bad idea.) Again, whenever I felt overcome with affection, I grasped the charm and used all my powers. Again nothing.

Growing desperate, I bought the most powerful charm of all.

I bought a thong.

Us girls had been having major discussions about this revolutionary technology. It was finally becoming mainstream, and we were all confused, alarmed, and intrigued by these magical panties. When Lauren wore them first and talked about how uncomfortable they were, the rest of swore them off. And yet I had such a sneaky suspicion that if I could only wear a thong...all my love problems would be solved.

I was 17, and I was going to Victoria's Secret for the first time. I think I blushed through the whole store. There were strange sorts of underwear that I wasn't entirely sure how to put on. Flustered when the salesperson asked me what I wanted, I just grabbed the first thing I found. It was a black cotton thong with no frills, no design, and it had an added tummy tuck feature which I figured couldn't hurt. I bought it, and felt like I had done some sort of woman-changing thing.

The thong that was supposed to change my life was worn the next day at school. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought, though with the tummy tuck feature, I felt like it went so high I might as well have been wearing a leotard. I strutted around for a while, hoping that my thong would work its magic powers, somehow sending off signals that I was attractive, sexy, and madly in love with a boy I'd spoken barely one sentence to.

It didn't work. The thong was broken or powerless or the tummy tuck feature was negating any of its powers. So I went back to Victoria's Secret. I bought a handful of other magic panties in various colors and designs.

He was taking one of my best friends to Prom.

Perhaps it was this tragedy that sent me over the edge, but in no time at all I was spending almost 200 bucks a month buying underwear that no one saw but me. It became my passion. I never had to worry about someone seeing my granny panties or getting hit by a truck and people at the hospital talking about my holey underpants. I had an impressive collection of Victoria's secret special things, and it was always growing.

I managed to get through all of high school without ever having a boyfriend, but I did amass a sizable underwear obsession that has continued to this day. And I suppose in the end, I probably came out ahead, as I still own plenty of underwear while hardly anyone I know is still with their high school boyfriend. And I did get married eventually, so maybe the magic thong did work. My husband's not telling.

Thing Thursday: Last Things

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 15:06:00 +0000

The blog will soon be going through a change of pace, whereas Tuesday Tips and Tricks and Thing Thursday are going to be modified to be a better fit for my writing style, as well as what people seem to respond to on the blog. So, in keeping with that message, I present to you one of the cutest things I've ever seen in my whole life. (Note: My work computer is currently blocking the video. Let me know if the link doesn't work, and I'll try to embed it at my home computer later!)

Little Boy Fires up Crowd

Website Wednesday: Firefighters and Kitties

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:35:00 +0000

Fun president is a great site for those of you who love looking at quirky things. There's always a great collection of pictures up. My favorite is both funny and sweet at the same time. Check out Firefighters saving kittens.

Tuesday Tips and Tricks: Starting a Business

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 15:07:00 +0000

Although I've only technically been in education for 2 years, I've been starting to look at starting my own private therapy business. It is almost overwhelming to look at all the various things one needs to know, from taxes to insurance reimbursement to zoning laws. However, after a bit of research, I found a few steps to help streamline the process (From Kiplinger)

1. Get a real job
Yes, everyone want to be an entrepenuer at some point. We envision being the next Steve Jobs and starting a company/cult that will flourish. But Steve Jobs worked at Atari first, learning the ins and outs of software, production, and electronics. He had enough information from his "real job" to start Apple a few years later. Think of this time as your paid research or internship.

2. Ask for Help
Of course you're brilliant. Of course you know everything there is to know about designing office chairs. However, you've been so busy designing that you didn't have time to look at production costs and marketing. Find a friend who does and be business partners. Yes, you'll have to share the money, but making a profit is easier to share than shouldering a failing business all by yourself.

3. Find a mentor
Your business may be unique, but there are many, many people who've been in similar industries and with similar experiences. Meet up with them and learn. No need to reinvent the wheel.

4. Write a Business Plan
Ideas are all well and good, but until they've been written and analyzed, they're no good for anyone. Taking the time to write out a solid business plan will show you where the gaps in your brilliant idea are, the strengths and weaknesses of the business, and can help sell your idea to those that matter.

5. Raise Money
Starting a business takes a substantial amount of start-up money. Avoid using credit cards; Despite their convenience, the debt can stack up rapidly. Instead, consider taking out a business loan at a bank or arranging a loan process with friends (in writing, of course).

6. Follow-Through
Once the business is up and running, don't forget all those well-thought plans. Go back and check your expenses and estimates. Are you on the right track? If not, how can you get there? Don't lose sight of your goals. You likely won't make a profit for some time, but make sure you're on the path to get there.

Mixed-Bag Monday: One Sentenced Life

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 13:33:00 +0000

As many of you know (and since I keep telling you), National Novel Writing Month (NANOWRIMO) is totally kicking my tail from here to turn of the century Ohio. I struggle to get just 1000 words down and already I'm about 10,000 words behind. (Crap.) So I'm very much appreciative of the short and genius, which leads us to this Monday's treat.

One Sentence (found by way of List of the Day) is like reading the opening lines of a novel. People try to sum up their life experiences in one, usually short, sentence. It's interesting the moments people had, but also the beauty of a well-crafted sentence to evoke so much more.

My sentence would probably be: My dad liked to say we'd miss him when he was gone, and I now realize he was right every single time he said it.

How would you express your life in one sentence?

Funny Friday: Carpe Diem

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 14:04:00 +0000

Due to NanoWrimo taking over my life and the fact that my spacebar is stuck (seriously. I'm slamming my thumbs into it almost painfully), I'll be posting an old favorite on this blog today. Let me know what you think!

The Dangers of Carpe Diem

A few days ago I was talking to a friend about some things I want out of life. We discussed the fact that most of the time, we have to wait for what we want. His argument was that we shouldn't; we should seize the day, live each moment as thought it's our last, carpe diem, hakuna matata, etc. I've heard this advice since I was a preteen, and it seems like I hear it more and more as I get older (presumably because I'm hurtling at death, but that's another topic). But once I actually stopped and thought about it, trying to visualize my everyday life as if I was living on my last breath, it seemed absurd. So I now present to you the top five reasons why seizing said day is a bad idea.

1. I'd be fat.
Anne Lamott said in "Traveling Mercies" that on her last day on Earth, she better not be drinking Diet Coke. This seemed completely inspiring, mainly because Coke is a particular vice for me. I know it's bad, but I love it. I've been trying to abstain, but after reading the book, I've decided that, at least in this context, I'm going to eat, drink, and be merry. And then I realized that I was consuming an extra 500 calories a day, easily. And that's just with my soft drink choice, people! What if I lived my whole day like I was going to die in the middle of the night? You better believe that I'll be eating steak and ice cream, entire chocolate cakes, and probably plenty of carbs. I'd be ingesting 4000 calories easily. And then when I woke up in the morning, bloated and cranky, I'd just have to do it again because that day might be the last day I'm alive too. So clearly, not the best strategy towards living a healthy life.

2. I'd be poor.
Just simply drumming up the expense for all the food I'd be eating would most likely put me in the next salary bracket. Chances are, I'm probably not going to spend my day investing either. For example, I'd probably buy a trampoline because I've always wanted one. I'd buy a beach house in the Caribbean (no money down, hopefully). All those commercials that promise me I don't have to make a payment until March of 2009? I'm in. I'm not going to be around then anyway. I'd by thousand dollar plane tickets to see the world, and give strangers money on the street. Probably by the end of Week 1 of this lifestyle, I'd be in prison. Or wishing I was.

3. I'd be crazy.
Let's face it. If today was my last day on Earth, I'm not going to be spending it at home. I'm going to be partying it up wherever. I'm going to ask out that guy. And demand that he go out with me that very night, since...well, I'm going to be dead tomorrow! I'd go snorkeling and bungee jumping. I'd go on the rides I'm too scared to try at Amusement Parks. I'd call Oprah. It would be like that movie Groundhog Day, only I wake up the next morning wondering why my arm is broken, there's a restraining order on my desk, and a couple dozen angry messages on my machine. Of course, I wouldn't deal with any of this, but just go right back out and do it again. Because I'll be dead tomorrow, of course.

4. I'd be lonely.
If I knew that I only had one more day left, I would want to be surrounded by my friends and family. All my friends that live in other states would have to come in and see me. Of course they would, if I told him that it was my last day on Earth. And the first day would be fantastic. But when I didn't die in the night, my friends might be a little skeptical, and my family probably wouldn't call off work the next day. Of course, I would insist that today was my last day on Earth, and they might be convinced to stick around. However, by day four of this, I'm pretty sure that everyone I know and love would abandon me in disgust, and try to get me to go to counseling. Which I couldn't schedule, since I'm living for the moment.

5. I'd be worthless.
Perhaps this is the most important one of all. Living for the moment essentially translates to living selfishly. Why would I go to work? Why would I do anything to ease someone else's suffering? Why should I do any of the little polite things we do to make life easier on others? Essentially, I would stop caring about how I could make the world a better place, and instead focus on how I could make my last day the best it could be for me, and me alone. It's not that I would become this evil tyrant or start gunning down people in the streets, but my heart would be hardened towards the world. Everything would become a chance for me to get the most I can. If I lived each day like it was my last, then there would be no point in me living anyway.

So after careful review, I've decided that even if it's not inspiring, I'm going to continue running the race of life in a marathon, rather than a sprint. I can stop for ice cream, of course, but I'm also going to stop for love. And honestly, if you've got ice cream and love, what more do you need?

Thing Thursday: Wooden Thrones

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 13:17:00 +0000

For all of those who feel the need to be "King of the Castle"...have I got a thing for you! Allow me to introduce the Dagobert Wooden Throne.

Is it just me, or does this look really uncomfortable? Sure, it's quite lovely. I really appreciate the built-in candle for particularly flatulent moments. However, it just looks uncomfortable and possibly splinter-y. Also, how would you like to clean this thing?! That's what servants are for, I suppose.

Unfortunately, this little jewel is not currently available from Amazon, but I'm sure with a little searching, you can find your personal throne at a reasonable cost!

Website Wednesday: Daily Blog Tips

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:34:00 +0000

There are only a few sites with "daily" in the title that I really feel the need to visit that often. Daily Blog Tips is one of them. Although it's geared more towards wordpress users, the information is always very insightful and helpful. Even the comments section is great fun to read, and the author is consistent with replying to comments and getting a discussion going!

You'll also note that there is currently a contest going for Blogging Idol 2, which I am participating in. The contest essentially boils down to trying to gain RSS readers in the space of a month. So far, I'm up by an amazing 2 subscribers! (A decent percentage, to be honest.) Still, if you'd like to help me out with the contest, please add me to your feed list by clicking on the icon on the top left side of the page.

In keeping with the contest, this blog will also be going through some changes in the next few weeks, so keep coming back to check them out!

Tuesday Tips and Tricks: When to Go to Sleep Tonight

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:33:00 +0000

It's election day here in the states, and most of us are ready for it to be here. However, countless Americans will no doubt spend the evening glued to their TV sets, counting the votes that come in and watching the national news make fools of themselves with awkward predictions.

Sleep is precious, however, so how do you know when to call it a night because the election is more or less "over?" Here are some tips.

1. If Obama wins Ohio or Florida with their 20 and 27 electoral college votes, you might as well go to bed. These are two huge contested states that have been the deciding factor in the last two elections. It would be quite hard for McCain to make these up.

2. If Missouri picks its winner, consider the election mostly over. Although worth only 11 votes, Missouri has picked the winner of every presidential election for 100 years, excluding 1956 when it was taken over by rabid dogs (that may or may not be true.)

3. If McCain wins Pennsylvania, then stay up for a while. It's a big state, and the kids over there haven't been thrilled with some remarks by Obama and John Murtha describing it as a "racist state." Can't say I blame them.

4. The later the polls close, the later you have to stay up. It's just a fact. McCain could lose any of the following states and still be in the running, but it will be close: Virginia (13 EC votes), Georgia (15), North Carolina (15), Colorado (nine) or Nevada (five)

5. If it looks like Obama is winning the big players, go to bed. Just don't be surprised if you wake up in the morning and find out we still have no idea. It's happened before.

Silly Saturday: The Klutz

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 16:11:00 +0000

I make no excuses for the fact that I am a complete and utter clutz. Some people have this innate ability to walk with grace and power, like a prized stallion running across the plains. I, however, stumble about like a three-legged goat that has just licked a few toxic mushrooms. It’s not pretty.

I fully believe that this clumsiness is the result of my having not been in dance class or gymnastics as a kid. All the other little girls I knew got to wear pretty little mini-dresses and too much make-up, twirling and tapping their hearts out and occasionally also shaking their pint-sized moneymakers. They looked like a cross between hookers in training and an 80’s rock band. Considering most of these girls grew up to have illegitimate children, I can’t help but wonder: was this what kept me from being desirable to my peers?

Those of you who know me personally have no doubt see me so tumbling, flailing my arms in a desperate attempt to stay up right. I usually have at least one bruise on my leg from running into something or falling gloriously down the stairs.

About a week ago, I had an absolute glorious moment of ineptness, and right in front of a group of middle school students. We had an unexpected fire drill, and I was in the middle of filing. I threw my files on to the desk, and quick-stepped it out of my third floor room. I managed to make it all the way down three flights of stairs amidst shuffling hordes of children and thought I was safe.

Oh how wrong I was.

I missed that there was a slight uneven crack in the sidewalk, As soon as I had opened the door outside and stepped out...I lost my balance and managed to lose track of the door, slamming it into some kid. Worse, I went flying ahead, bouncing against some OTHER kid and then gracefully falling on my face while children washed around me like a river. I could hear their stifled giggles as they tried to stay quiet and get to safety. The best part? The school psychologist was quite politely looking off into the sky in the opposite direction, as if to suggest he had not seen a grown woman attempt human bowling.

I picked myself up, collected my dignity which was now small enough to slip in my pocket, and pretended nothing had happened. No one said anything to me, including the kids that I damaged. Yet I can hardly walk by the middle school classrooms without wondering if that’s how they’ll always remember me. “Hey, remember Mrs. Three-Legged Goat and how she fell all the time?”

Sigh.

****

For those of you who come regularly and enjoy my blog, you may be interested in subscribing to my feed. As a special bonus, you'll also be helping me in a Blogging Idol contest! I just have to try and increase my feedcount. Right now I'm at 13. Can you help?? All you have to do is click on the feed button at the top left of the page. You'll get my content daily delivered right to your reader or email. THANKS!

Not so Funny Friday

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 12:15:00 +0000

Dear Readers,

I have got one heck of a cold. To top that off, I'm on an all day field-trip with 40 primary students to the zoo. Needless to say, a new post today isn't going to happen.

To make this pain a little easier for all of you to bear - I'll be having the first ever Silly Saturday to make up for it.

Be sure to come back and check it out!

Love, kisses, and tea,

Linds

Website Wednesday: The Daily Weekly Monthly Report

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:37:00 +0000

I am perhaps cheating by announcing today's website, but darn it, this is my blog and I'll do as I please.

Ahem.

I've recently been added as a writer for "The Daily Weekly Monthly Report." Currently, we are obsessed with the election, but there's a good possibility that we'll move on to other silly and satirical things.

Here's my latest report:

93% of Americans Aware of Election Year

A new poll by the associated press has found that 93% of Americans are well aware that this is an election year.

"You know, I thought something was up after I started seeing all these commercials for these guys," one respondent responded. "That usually only happens when there's an election coming up."

Another person in the poll shared his feelings. "I didn't realize just how bad things were. Normally a poor economy and high unemployment rate just kind of gets swept under the rug. Because the potential future leaders of the country were talking about it, I knew it was an election year. When they get elected, they just say everything's fine."

Although the sample poll had an error margin of 3%, pollsters managed to talk to a few pollees who were polled about the election.

"Mmmm! Pickles are good," said one individual, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Another unaware respondent was quite frank about his opinion. "Look, I don't know who gave you my number or what, but I'm so sick of those Viagra commercials. If I cared about an erection year, I'd let you know. 'Click.'"

Stay tuned for more breaking news.

Tips and Tricks Tuesday: The Holidays are Here!

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 14:28:00 +0000

It may seem strange that I'm talking about the holidays before November, but all of you know that on Nov. 1, the commercials will start running with feel-good moments of wide-eyed children watching snow fall outside the window. (How much of the US identifies with that, I wonder?) So I'm doing my good blogging duty by getting the information to you ahead of time...so you can be informed and know that I only want good things for you. Also, I wanted to post pictures of unrelated, hideously ugly, and funny houses. You're welcome.

So here are 5 "insider" tricks for making the holiday shopping time a little bit easier. (Courtesy of CNN Money)

"Delores, I think we missed a spot on the garage!"

1. Shop after 6 p.m. the day BEFORE the big sale.
In other words, if the ad says the storewide holiday discounts kick off on a Wednesday, don't wait until Wednesday to rush to the store.

"Usually the special discounts get put into the system after 6 p.m. the day before and you can beat the crowds," said Dan Butler, vice president of retail operations and merchandising with the National Retail Federation.

However, not all large stores follow this practice. Therefore, it's really up to consumers to try their luck at whatever stores they're keen to shop during the sales blitz.

Maybe the store name is supposed to be Convertibles Jennifer, too.

2. Pause and investigate before you click "Buy."
This applies if you're doing your gift shopping on the Internet, said Edgar Dworsky, consumer advocate and editor of Consumer World.

"This is a little trick to help save money," said Dworsky. Essentially how it works is when you get to the checkout on an etailer's Web site and you're prompted to enter a coupon or promotions code, this signals that there are extra discounts available on that product.

Dworsky said he usually takes phrase used by the merchant, such as "promotional code", and enters that phrase and the name of the merchant in Google to see if there are any discount codes available.

Two places to directly look for discount codes, without searching the Internet, is to use couponcabin.com or fatwallet.com.

Santa visits Alabama.

3. Make money while you shop.
Said Dworsky, "Some Web sites like Ebates give customers two to five percent of their money back on purchases.

Ebates gives customers exclusive offers and free shipping deals from more than 800 retail chains, including Target (Charts) and Gap (Charts). Dworsky said sites such as Ebates get a commission every time a consumer clicks through to a featured retailer.

"But they also share the money they make from the referral by refunding some of the cash back to consumers on their purchases," Dworsky said.

Babe had a tragic accident right before Christmas...but Paul Bunyan cleverly disguised it with a wreath.

4. Ask for the "hidden" discounts.
All's fair in love and Christmas shopping. So don't be shy about getting friendly - within limits - with the store staff, said Britt Beemer, retail analysts and chairman of America's Research Group.

"Ask an employee about any unadvertised coupons or sales going on that week," said Beemer.

Many retailers now offer special discounts and coupons exclusively as part of their loyalty programs.

"You won't know about these unless you sign up for the program. So make sure to ask at the checkout about these discounts as well," Beemer said.

Mixed-Bag Monday: Kevin Costner and the Real (Awful) West

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 15:46:00 +0000

So um, hey guys. You remember Kevin Costner? You know, that guy that made some good movies, and then made some really horrible ones? Good news - this is not a trailer from one of his films. Bad news - He's got a band, and he's singing.

Make sure you listen until at least the 1 minute mark...that's when they really start to "jam!"

My thoughts:
1. The band's not bad. Maybe a bit generic, but certainly capable.
2. What's the demographic here? Fans of the movie "Wild Hogs?" Women who still remember "Dances with Wolves?"
3. Kevin. To front a band, you don't have to have the greatest voice. Still, you should probably look into carrying a tune and not just sort of talking without rhythm or pitch.
4. Are those the worst lyrics ever, or what?

What are your thoughts?

Funny Friday: The Romance is Over

Lindsey.Himmler@gmail.com (Lindsey Himmler) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:20:00 +0000

I know this is supposed to be Funny Friday...but my friends, I have terrible news to share with you. The beautiful romance of Martin and Daina is over. Daina is no longer responding to Martin's heart-felt emails, and Martin is absolutely heartbroken. For those of you who have not been able to follow the saga, I thought I would post the entire tragic correspondence so you too can mourn over what could have been.

(Martin is in Red, Daina in black)

Dearest,

I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart.

My name is Daina Dominic Dim Deng, 22yrs old, female and I held from Sudan. My father Lt. Gen Dominic Dim Deng and my mother including other top Military officers and top government officials had been on board when the plane crashed on Friday May 02, 2008.

You can read more about the crash through the below site:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7380412.stm

After the burial of my father, my uncle conspired and sold my father's properties to one Chin ease Expatriate and live nothing for me. One faithful morning, I opened my father's briefcase and found out the documents which he have deposited huge amount of money in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I traveled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself. On my arrival, the Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my father's instruction to the bank was the money be release to me only when I am married or present a trustee who will help me and invest the money overseas.

I am in search of an honest and reliable person who will help me and stand as my trustee so that I will present him to the Bank for transfer of the money to his bank account overseas. I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you may be the true person to help me. More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle have threaten to assassinate me. The amount is $10.4 Million and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso. You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country.

However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 10% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your interest in helping me, I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Please do keep this only to your self. I beg you not to disclose it till i come over because I am affraid of my weaked uncle who has threatened to kill me.

Sincerely yours,
Daina Dominic Dim Deng.

Darling,

Too long have we been parted from each other. Your plaintive plea was like Cupid's arrow to my heart. Not only will I happily whisk you from Sudan and send you to Bob Jones college (the only God-fearing university in this evil nation of ours), I wish to ask for your hand in marriage. I know we have never laid eyes on each other, but fate has put us together. How else to explain that your missive arrived when I just happened to be looking at the website, "Big Ebony Booty?"

Please respond as soon as you can, darling...I cannot bear to be away from your sweet, sweet hoard, I mean...heart any longer!

Your beloved,
Martin

My Dear Martin,

Thanks for your quick reply and acceptance to help me. I need your help to stand as my trustee for transferring the money to your account. As I told you, I am staying in the mission camp and I haven't a personal telephone to be reached but if you wish to hear my sweet voice, you can reach me through the office telephone number of the co-ordinator of Christ De King Mission Camp. His name is Rev. Fr. Dennis Mongolo and his office telephone number is +22678445168. If you call tell him that you want to speak with Daina Dominic Dim Deng am staying in Block G14 female hostel.

I have the death certificate of my father which I also showed to the bank manager. All that I want is that I will give you the contact of the Bank and account number and you will contact them as my trustee and ask them the possibility of transferring the money into your account. I want you to send me your full name, telephone numbers and contact address so that we can proceed.

As soon as I receive the information, I will give you the bank account number and contact of the Bank so that you will stand as my trustee and contact them on my behalf for transfer of the money to your Bank account. Attached is photos. Please I want you to send me your photo too to see you and tell me about your age,occupation and your natioanality.

Yours truly,
Daina Dominic

Dearest Daina,

I feel as though the tender blossom of our love is already being smashed beneath the heavy hammer of Sudanese pounds. (Get it? Pounds? Hammer? I looked up Sudan's currency...that's how much I long for you.)

All we ever discuss is money, when really what I want to discuss is YOU. So I'll tell you about myself so you can envision just how I'm going to take you as my sister.

I'm 57, but feel 52! I may not be the most handsome man on the block, my dearest Daina, but our hearts have made a connection that's far above any outward connection. My picture is attached. Speaking of pictures, dearest Daina...WOW! Though I wish you had turned around so I could see that fine ebony booty!! (That's a joke...you know, from how we met?)

Oh sweet Daina, I noticed that you forgot to reply to my proposal of marriage. I'm sure it was a mere oversight in your joy at hearing from me. I'm buying a plane ticket to you, as soon as I can figure out where Christ De King is...is that in Italy?

ALL MY LOVE,
Martin

I am just floored by the fact that Daina would let go such a beautiful, beautiful man. I suppose there's still hope for our dear hero, just as soon as he checks his spam box again. You can offer your condolences in the comment box.