IS IT PEE-PEE?

PEE-PEE #12

plumpdumpling — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 15:30:12 +0000

There’s a burger joint near my office that my colleagues (it makes me feel like a grown-up to call them that) and I often order lunch from. They’re known for overcooked burgers and undercooked fries, but the next best option is a Chinese place known around these parts as Sketchy, so you can see how the burger place is still the better option.

Most colleagues just take whatever they can get, but one guy insists on a turkey burger, Swiss cheese, jalapeños, hold the special turkey burger sauce, with well done fries. Well done fries. I have to specify that when I call to place the order. And I can almost hear the person on the other end of the line rolling her eyes.

So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when he found this in the corner of his box:

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PEE-PEE #11

plumpdumpling — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 14:30:59 +0000

Friday morning, the bus was coming just as I rounded the corner to the stop, so I hurried to the newfangled ticketing machines and sighed as some fool struggled to figure out that the “press Start button to begin” flashing on the screen wasn’t a joke. I twitted back and forth from machine to machine until one finally freed up, and then I jumped onto the bus at the last second before the doors closed.

I sat down and reached for my Kindle, and my finger touched something wet. I looked down at my bag, and there was a wet spot the size of a quarter. It was translucent white, like milky saliva. I wondered if I had somehow angered someone at the bus ticket machines who had then spit on me. I mean, surely a bird couldn’t poo on the side of my bag, right?

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PEE-PEE #10

plumpdumpling — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 15:30:28 +0000

My best friend sent me the following video last night in an e-mail entitled “Don’t Ask Me”:

Aside from the confident message about not peeing his bed, the best parts of the video for me are the close-ups of what the Kelly family must consider fancy footwork by little Angelo.

But isn’t he just sort of sliding across the floor?

PEE-PEE #9

plumpdumpling — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 16:30:41 +0000

I walked into work one morning and found the leaf of this plant keeled over and attempting to commit suicide on my floor. I waited for our hired plant girl to clean it up.

That’s right. We pay someone to water our plants.

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PEE-PEE #8

plumpdumpling — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 16:30:15 +0000

The cigarette butt next to it is a dead giveaway for me. Have a smoke, pop a squat, go about the rest of your day.

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PEE-PEE #7

plumpdumpling — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 15:50:18 +0000

Looks like plain moldy water, sure, but you KNOW that little bird perched on the edge of the bowl is just chock full of urine.

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PEE-PEE #6

plumpdumpling — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 14:30:36 +0000

This sausage truck is outside my office building most days, but I’ve always been afraid to order from it because of the horror stories I’ve heard about dear Dominic. Apparently he inexplicably takes forever to make each sandwich, which in turn causes a long line to form. But whenever someone decides to leave the line, he yells at them!

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PEE-PEE #5

plumpdumpling — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 13:30:33 +0000

Pink. Slightly chunky. Still plenty of wetness to indicate possible urine base.

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Pee-Pee #4

plumpdumpling — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 15:30:50 +0000

Unidentified liquid. Spotted on the subway, which is possibly too public for urination. Spotted on the subway, which is full of crazy people. Runny, watery, like pee-pee.

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Pee-Pee #3

plumpdumpling — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 14:45:18 +0000

Unidentified liquid. Suspiciously close to a fire hydrant. What appear to be dried layers of previous liquids could indicate the attempt of several animals to mark the spot. Liquid seems to be brown instead of yellow.

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