Is This The Life?

Here We Go...

2011-09-04T04:34:00.000+08:00

Mandatory birthday post, since I've already been actively posting almost every other day.

Well? Many people wish me a great day, having a blast and all...

All I can foresee are the 3 days off from work filled with chores and re-organising a broken paradise.

Sigh. I think, I've vented enough, that I've already ran out of steam. I have nothing much to say, so what should I blog about from now on?

Here's to another year, with not much in the horizon. I really smile and laugh too much, with this deeprooted sense of loss the whole time. I wonder why? Sigh. Take care, dear one. *blows a kiss*

Sick & Not looking forward to Sunday

2011-09-02T02:33:00.000+08:00

Augh... I'm falling sick, my head feels stuffy, my nose is blocked, my whole body feels like it's in a buzzing warmer, and I miss TinkyWinks so so much.

I need to take out my camera again. Haven't seen myself being alive for so very long now.

Here's to the first of my birthdays without Him.

Only perks? I'm off from Sunday til Tuesday and all day long, this tune plays in my cottonwool head.

Carcrash

2011-08-31T05:44:00.000+08:00

Looking back through so many old photos and all the good times we had together with our friends, I really wonder, how they feel watching us break up, and they just never said/did anything to help us solve our problems.

It's like watching a car crash ay? It's gruesome yet you can't stop staring and talking about it, and you're so glad it didn't happen to you.

Screw all you "friends" out there. You can never realise how much pain the both of us are going through. Instead you try to medicate him with girls, booze, parties and all that fluff. There's only so far you can push him, until he steps off the edge and falls and realises what I realise now - that true friends don't do that.

Ergh. Whatever.

My Second Horriblest Birthday

2011-08-31T02:26:00.001+08:00

Last year, I thought my birthday couldn't get any worse. This year, I believe, it will prove me wrong.

I'm slowly losing all threads I have connected to him. He's already untagged himself from so many pics on FB so that he will not be associated with me anymore. I know, oneday, there will be NO pictures that I have together with him, and he will just be an unknown face, and I will be a whisper from the past.

This birthday, I wish, I could just have Tinky and him around for a whole day, just like we used to hang out together back then. But ah well, that's never going to happen.

A unHappy birthday to me, 27 years ago, Mom, you gave birth to a majorly useless monster of a heartbreaking, cheating daughter. Here's to living life without my penguin.

Still Can't Move On

2011-08-29T02:52:00.002+08:00

Ever since I've been away from him, been secluded in my own little bubble, even then, there are people who like me and show it. I tell them straight away, I am a CHUM. Nothing else.

The weird ones, the rich ones, the cute ones, the smart ones, the quirky ones, the poor ones, the ultra-confident ones, the shy ones - have all come. But they can never measure up to HIM.

He has stolen my heart.

Contradictions & Conclusions

2011-08-24T03:41:00.003+08:00

Conversations about him and with him have always been about contradictions.

Me taking care of an abandoned kitten, he calls, "taking a kitten hostage".

I love him because he's a wonderful, sweet, funny, eccentric, everything we do makes magic type of person, but yet, he can also be mean, childish, vengeful, unforgiving and relentless.

My bestie said this to me, (the gist of which I gathered), that even though we had a relationship that was so superb, so magical, there was always something fundamentally wrong at the core of it. Minus what I did to him at the end of it, but what was going on all the while when we were together, were so many issues. What I did to him, was the last straw which unraveled everything we ever built together. Nobody should blame him for being angry about it all the time.

I had a huge drinking problem, firstly, which, got worse, because we had a lot of friends who love going out and partying. He was attracted to my outgoing personality at first, but then, it turned into being a trait he didn't want in a long term partner. I make friends easily, and too easily, he would say, especially with his friends and when I forgot my boundaries by becoming close to them, he became uncomfortable with it, yet closed one eye to it. Despite him always being the one who would boost my confidence, he was also the one telling me that I was far from perfect. I also had this underlying depression and constant fear of failure, that I would always present this wild, party animal, strong and arrogant character to the world, because I did not want people to see my flaws. I always talked down to him, whereas he always did things his way without wanting to admit defeat. I always acted like I was right, and so both of us were at loggerheads. I was selfish and never ever considered the consequences to any of my actions, thinking that I could always get away with it, whereas he always thought ahead, being prudent and sometimes, quite Sherlocky in his senses (his "Portuguese hunch" :D ). He was also stubborn and knew how to get what he wanted, by going around the bush, by using all kinds of emotional ways of getting people to do what he wanted them to do, I was more outspoken, and of course offended many people at many times. He was brash but covered it with his brand of unique humour, I was funny but too sharp at times.

Of course, it had its effects. Many effects, in fact, to the point where you'll find us both, sitting in the same room, quiet, the air rife with emotions and thoughts, both of us at a huge loss, in a big painful chasm, looking for something, someone, each other, maybe? So right now, after losing everything and the losing the value in everything, I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I do feel more in control of myself nowadays on a personal note, but I am still working on the rest of me. He said "You need to be fixed" and that, even according to other people, is quite a nasty statement, albeit true. What more if they knew who it was coming from? The person who wanted to spend his life with me - damaged goods. I think, it came out, because he voices his hurt, through hurting words. Yes, I hurt him a lot, even when I wasn't cheating on him. And he has also hurt me, that's why I also retaliated with hurtful words. Same modus operandi, and look where we both ended up.

Even just now, he asked me upfront, "So what happened to your therapy sessions? You're supposed to get fixed." Yes, I know, I may be temperamental and emotional, but it doesn't mean I am "schizophrenic" or "bipolar" as he so casually calls me ever so often.

He is moody, rude, cruel, grumpy, angry, untrusting, insecure, violent even, calculative, OCD, always planning and plotting and yet he can be so gentle, sweet, loving, romantic to a boy band-similarity, impulsive, caring, polite, faithful, responsible, simple, happy go lucky, adorable and little boy-ish and yet always wanting to protect his loved ones.

I am mean, sarcastic, arrogant, careless, sloppy, lazy, frivolous, forgetful, inconsiderate, gullible and yet I am also capable of being loving, loyal, straightforward, caring, compassionate, empathetic, a good listener and generally want the best for everyone I know.

You know what, World and Mr. Ian Dias?

That's not being Schizophrenic or Bipolar or in any way mentally unfit.

That's being HUMAN.

And I still love him for it all.

Whoever's out there, who's reading this right now, we are ALL human, and yet, people love us. So instead of learning to dislike each others' flaws, we should focus on our capabilities of loving people for being human, for who they are and aren't, and for who they are in our lives.

Music To Miss Him To

2011-08-24T01:35:00.000+08:00

Anything In the World...

2011-08-21T19:43:00.000+08:00

I'd do anything in the world to have him back, to restore his faith, to heal his soul, to be the one beside him, to hold his hand.

Today, I allowed myself just today, to break down a little, let my guard down, let some hurt out and stop smiling. Just today.

A Quiet Calm

2011-08-19T04:46:00.000+08:00

Today meant a lot to me. Because it was a skewed version of Willy Wonka and the Golden Ticket, except that the ticket would take him further away from me, rather than bring him into my world.

There were so many things to be said or done, but, the air buzzed with the silence of two people with so much history and yet no future, both trying to outrun each other into oblivion.

But I have to agree with PoshJosh's theory of women actually getting tired of men liking them, because, it is true. I refuse to layan all advances, and once I feel anyone trying to get too close to me, I start giving excuses to not see them/go out with them. It's not a hostile thing, it's just, I'm tired of it all, and I'd rather go home and be by myself.

I realise it is because I have conciliated myself with these two facts:

I know he is my soul mate, and there is no one I'll be with for the rest of my life.
I know he will never take me back, so it's either him or no one at all.

And so be it. I'm fine with things as they are. I'm calm, going through every day, like clockwork. There are no major ups or downs (unless it is about him) and so that's how it's going to be.

Although, my greatest regret would be that I could never start that big family I've always wanted. But that's another chapter...

I Wish

2011-08-18T03:43:00.000+08:00

If I rubbed an old oil lamp, and had a genie grant me 3 wishes, I seriously wouldn't know what to do with those wishes.

Maybe, I'd wish that I hadn't made certain mistakes in my life, which would not bring me to how I am today.

Maybe, I'd wish, that I'd get back that passion for cooking again, because I really have lost it.

Maybe, I'd wish, that I'd have a little bit more time to be innocent, and see the world in a better way.

Maybe, I'd wish, that I would have ONE second chance to make it all right again.

What would you do with 3 wishes?

Go Brownie, It's your Birthday...

2011-08-15T02:30:00.001+08:00

It's TinkyWinky's birthday today!! She's officially 14 doggy years old. Aww... little precocious brown tubby-pawed fluffy rocket of love!

I bought her some nice treats and would love to make her a birthday meat-cake, but that's up to him. I can't do much, but pass the treats to him.

My little tribute to the lovablest doggywoggy in the world!

Where Do I Go

2011-08-12T01:46:00.000+08:00

from here?

I've kinda soft-UNlaunched my food blog, because I just realised last night, and the whole of today at work, that I really have nothing to look forward to in this industry. I need a life and I don't think I can sweat it, doing those long hours, getting hit on the head, no overtime, super low medical "benefits", low pay and all. I don't have it in me.

I used to, because he was always there, spurring me on, with those wonderful random words of encouragement, but, now, I know I can't run this marathon.

So where do I go from here? Hmmm... I'll graduate first, and then, move on to the next chapter. So long safety boots, apron, jackets, pants & toque.

Life is meaningful because of people, and not things (in this case, things that you DO). It's the people who are around you, that makes this LIFE.

Copping out? Perhaps. I want to go out there, and start a family of my own. It's time. My clock's ticking! *lol* never thought I'd ever say that this early.

OH well, tomorrow (or rather, in a few hours time) is another day. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck people. I'm taking another freefall.

So Love.

2011-08-10T04:37:00.000+08:00

I talk like I'm invincible
But all I can think of is you
And how I could make you fall back in love with me again

I may seem a little intense
For your old-fashioned senses
But, all I want is to be back in your arms again

Seeing what you do and what you say
And viewing those pictures of your face
Makes me feel like we never were apart
Makes me feel like, it was just yesterday I had your heart

And now, it's all just words and words
So vague and yet so blunt
The raw emotion I can sense like electricity in the air
Or am I just imagining like I always do

The spaces between your words
Are like the silences I heard
When you went away, and I cried all day
And night, until I tried to find someone

Who would be better than you
But til today, I can't stop thinking of
All the things we did and will do
If only, you were back here today

I may sound selfish, but this cruelty I wield
Is just to make you want to want me still
Is it foolish? Is it real?

I hate that every song I hear
Reminds me of you and how we used to be
Everything you told me that night
Keeps replaying whenever I fall asleep

I want you to love me
Or even just think, Hey, maybe...
What I'd do to make you love me...
Just, please, say... Maybe...

Funny Moments

2011-08-10T04:22:00.001+08:00

I was just looking through some old photos in my lappy, and saw so many things, things that I will always remember for life, things that nothing in this world can ever take away from me. And seriously, some of them are so friggin' funny!!

Some are quite NSFW (in endearing ways, not XXX!) and it brings back so many good memories of us. I am still laughing thinking about it.

This was a spying moment, back in the days of working together in Cyberjaya, when we'd all use the same toilet for smoking and breaks together with Jeremy. Cute pose! :D

This was us rushing to fetch his mom from the airport, where I'd always sleepily jump into the car with him, just to keep him company during those weird hours when he had to get his mom.

This was a snippet of our quiet, bonding moments in Segafredo's where we'd steal away from the world, and just be there in silence as one.

This was a camwhoring moment of his, when he worked in Pavilion, and I had the amazing privilege of him bringing me around when it was still being constructed. Yay for kitchen steel toe safety boots and the safety helmet. Pavilion will always be ours.

This was a note from him, when I drove all the way to fetch him from work, and instead he kicked up a fuss. All I wanted was for him to relax in the car, and not be tired, by having to wait ages for the bus, take the smelly bus back, and then wait again in the hot, lonely airport. Those words still ring true... I do care for him,mostly through my actions, even though my words are limited.

"I'm really feeling bad about the way i was just now,i know you wanted to spent time with me by fetching me.Instead of talking and spending good quality time i just threw it & wasted it away by my actions just now.I'm really feeling the pain & lost of our beautiful time together. I hope you could forgive,did not mean to hurt with those harsh words that i said.Yeah i know when people are angry they always say things they dont mean just to hurt the other person.I'm trying my best to change and not be like all the other people. I was really tired & moody not to mention having in balance of my grip when i walk or stand straight due to lack of sleep and all...

I know how much you care for me and i can see it in your actions,maybe i'm a dumb nimrod who prefers words rather to actions but i'm looking at the big picture not just small tiny words but all the things you do. THANK YOU for loving me and always putting up with my shit that i have to offer,wish i could be that perfect prince penguin charming for you. I may not be the best in showing my ways or sometimes show my love for you in the wrong ways but babe i really really really do love you from the bottom of my heart....from the first time my eyes laid eyes on you till this very moment and for all the future has in stored for us. Sweet Julia Dias i love so much that i over react most of the time......I'm sorry for those moments......Going to sleep now will talk to you later during the day,if you feel like talking to me after reading this please do wake me up and i'll will talk to you.......

Love always,

Ian Dias"

I wish I could turn back time, and have that all back. Fights, arguments, wrestling, crazy good times and all.

Thinking about it....

2011-08-09T02:58:00.000+08:00

I still love him.

That day, he called me in the middle of work. Shan was so excited for me, when he saw the look on my face, when I saw who was calling. He didn't have to ask who it was, because I never smiled like that before, so it only had to be ONE person.

But, unfortunately, it just turned out to be a massive rant by him, about money and about my mother being a horrible person.

That precious fleeting moment of utter joy traded for a whole day of tears, silence, confusion, worrying and self-hatred.

Now? In the middle of the night, I still think of looking into his eyes and the feeling of hugging him to sleep, resting my chin on his shoulder while his big brown hands envelop mine, and I rub my legs against his fuzzy warm ones.

Pink & Carey Hart & Willow Sage Hart

2011-08-08T23:03:00.004+08:00

Friends from 2001, married in 2006, separated/divorced in 2008, back with a baby in 2011.

Life, along the way, gets messed up and horrible, but if you're willing to give yourself and that other person another chance, things can be wonderful.

Sad Lullaby

2011-08-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

Eternal Sunshine

2011-08-04T02:17:00.002+08:00

This movie has always been coming back to me lately, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, a couple whose relationship turned sour, and they both erased the memories of each other, but then, he realises that he still loves her, and they do meet eventually, and all the things that come together after that.

I never survived more than 20 minutes of that show, but I'm going to watch it soon. That's next on my lifeless online movie streaming playlist.

I have this vision, because we both just match each other so well, that if we could just erase all memories of us, and then one day, just start over again. In a more probable sense, I see this scene in my mind, say 2 years down the road, when we are both living on our own, and the pain has subsided, and then, we just run into each other, and decide, hey, let's just go for a drink at the nearby mamak, and then, after a few minutes of awkward conversation, we just start talking, like for real, and then, slowly, bit by bit, his friends and my friends are texting, "Hey, you serious you going out with her/him for dinner?" and then, we slowly go out again and again, and realise how much we fit together, and then, we go on One date, then another and another, and then... walk into the sunset together, with TinkyWinky and her children and ours, by our side.

Ah well. Wishful thinking. That's never going to happen.

Claiming Hours

2011-08-03T12:58:00.001+08:00

This month of Ramadhan is considered off peak season, and so, the hotel has decided to not pay us overtime. Therefore, we just go to work later or leave earlier, and claim our hours back. This means.... next month's pay is going to be only half of what it's supposed to be. Oh my goodness... I can't imagine.

Other than that, it's really awesome seeing the sunlight stream into the house and see what the garden looks like in the daytime. Still, the house rings empty....

I still miss him.

I want to start, but I only see hatred in your eyes....

2011-08-02T03:11:00.000+08:00

Goodnight He's Gone

2011-08-01T02:24:00.000+08:00

Offerings to calm the soul of a beast, I would sing him this song over and over again, on the ukulele he bought me:

And for the rest of my life, because I know his door is closed to me,

I leave to Simple Plan...

Still Learning...

2011-07-31T17:38:00.000+08:00

I know, from experience, that he will never go back to someone once it's gone bad. He's the type of person who will never forget or forgive, and he will liken that going back to a 'losing face' for him. So I already know, that it will never happen between us, ever again. I just give myself hope, just so I can make it through the days.

I know that he hasn't deleted/deactivated his account instead he has just plain old blocked me. Which to me, seems so childish and like he has something to hide. What does he want to hide? His new girlfriend? The new flavour of the week for him? The next big thing? His future wife? So what if I see it? I SHOULD see it, so I can start moving on. But, it's definitely something he wants to hide. I'm not stalking him, I just miss him.

I deleted a whole bunch of people from my friends list. People whom we got to know together/his friends, because, he doesn't want me to be friends with his friends. Then, he should delete those people who were MY friends first, but of course, I'm not going to go up to them and say such things and try to play this stupid childish game of "You were my friend first" because that's just so unbecoming of someone, especially now that we're in the later part of our 20s, a supposed adult, not even YOUNG adult anymore.

I am never going to have a good relationship with him, regardless of what happened and what I did to undo that relationship, because I will never be good enough for him. He constantly tells me (and, ironically, his ex before me) that he wants me to be a better person, to change, to do this and that and this and that, just to live up to his bloody quotient of an ideal partner. He has to wake up and realise that he himself is not perfect. No one is. There is no such thing as a perfect partner, but there is such a thing as a perfect relationship.

One where both accept and realise that they both have flaws and are willing to work things out. Yes, it was great while it lasted, but I get this metallic taste in my mouth everytime I think of him. Kinda like when you bite your finger and taste a little blood. He has successfully eliminated, bit by bit, all good feelings that I have towards him, and replaced them with bitter, self-loathing emotions.

I really feel sick right now, thinking of how much anger, hatred and childish acts he has resorted to since we broke up. No one will ever be the person he wants them to be, because eventually, in any relationship, you have to compromise with their faults, as well as get someone who will willingly do the same with you.

How could I have ever thought that he was really The One? Deep down I still do, but it just sickens me that I would invest so much emotion and love in someone who just obviously blows hot and cold at his own whims. He will love you so intensely for some time, and then, start to find fault with you, push you into a corner until you have nowhere to go, no one to talk to, then when you try to escape due to the pent-up sadness and frustration you have inside, he will blame all else on you, heap the coals on your head, until you are a broken down person, while he cavorts with the newest thing on his block.

It makes me sick really. Right now, I feel like he's like alcohol and I've had so much to drink, and I'm having a massive hangover, with waves of nausea yet with nothing to puke out.

Oh god, can't wait to throw out all reminders of him soon. And do up the house so bloody nice, that it'll look like he's never even been here.

Ergh. He doesn't even pretend to be civil, when calling me up to demand for his money back. He skipped few payments because he said he needed to buy a laptop, and my mom put in the cash. Instead he goes and blows it all on some whore-eating, disease-catching trip with womaniser-friends in Bangbangkok. And now, he says he needs the money to buy a laptop. Gee. I'm not that stupid.

And another thing that I hate, he doesn't care about TinkyWinky, lets her sleep outside in a crowded, hot and small porch while he goes out on weekends, doesn't come home because he's probably stuck in some girl's room, telling her how he loves her, before he bangs her. I'm actually thinking of getting a different shift, just so I can take care of TinkyWinky, but it's not so soon, and well, I don't want to look like I'm poaching her away from him, and give him even more ammo to destroy my name/reputation or whatever is left of it once he's done with bitching about me to everyone we know.

Job-hopping, irresponsible, inconsistent, rude, mean, cold, passionless, goalless, threatening, abusive, insecure. You've pointed out my flaws - I've fixed them. I hope to God you try to fix yours. Grow up. And grow some balls while you're at it.

When It's Over...

2011-07-29T00:06:00.001+08:00

He ecently quoted this "When it's over" which obviously has to mean something. Well, whoever he is now, I get this really weird feeling talking to him, because I feel like he's such a stranger now, so I really don't know. And not a nice one, like he was back in Rainforest.

What I would give, to go back to that moment, and start over.

The Boundaries of my love....

2011-07-28T02:02:00.000+08:00

The ways I showed him I love him:

I would save up all my angpow money, so I could actually buy him things that I knew he would enjoy for a very long time
- his PS2, because he badly wanted it, (on the verge of the launch of the PS3), which I cracked my head badly to look for, as I don't know much about PS2 prices
- the iPod 160GB because he loves music and has tons of it and always loves listening to music wherever he is, something I've always wished for, but never had the heart to spend the money on, for myself.
- the Harmon Kardon iPod dock sound system that looks like a modern boombox, which brings back memories of the 80s, and yet, is kick-ass better than Altec Lansing, which I was looking for like mad, when I took him out for his birthday massage in Circle massage and dinner at Bubba Gump's in the Curve. The massage was awesome, I must save up and go try one day, because they have these lavly rattan woven cocoons which are your rooms, and really nice looking stuff. I never even walked in to the place, except to bring him there. After blasting the eardrums of so many people, staff and customers alike, I finally decided on the Harmon Kardon, which I got later on.
- the Sennheiser head phones, when he wanted Skullcandy, whereas, I thought quality over style, and I looked high and low, for great sound which was somewhat similar to the Skullcandy ones. Personally, the Sennheiser noise blocking system looks way more comfortable than Skullcandy ones, and it comes with leather covered cushions and gold-plated cables. Wachaaww!

In the beginning, I didn't have much to spend, and so, I usually bought him bottles of Southern Comfort, because I knew, he didn't have the heart to buy those bottles but he loved it so much, that they would finish really fast, and so I did. Those bottles sit in the refrigerator now, holding water, with the date and occasions they were bought for.

I always knew when he was hungry, and would always try to get him good food. I know he likes creamy stuff, and looked for recipes containing his favourite ingredients, like bacon, cheese, mayonnaise, eggs and whatnot. I always tried to make him dishes that I knew he would love, and so came up with things that he said he loves (but I think now, it's different) like poached eggs (because he likes runny yolks) on luncheon meat (he loves pork) and white bread (he loves Gardenia).

He didn't use to drink coffee, but he eventually started, and we both love Coffee Bean, and so, he only drank Ultimate Vanilla Ice Blended (with coffee), and so I thought of making super ice cold milky coffee, and came up with, well, there's no name for it except for Ian's coffee. A non-alcoholic version of Bailey's, which he also loves.

He loves bacon and mayonnaise, and so I made tomatoes, stuffed with bacon, onion, parsley & mayonnaise, which is the only way he eats tomatoes anyways.

He so badly wanted an awesome old-school car, and when he got it, I loved seeing the look on his face when he drove it. When he got into an accident, I lent him some savings so he could repair the car, and drove him to work, the airport, at wee hours in the mornings, worked night job and had classes at the same time. I would get followed by weird people at 4am in the morning, go sleep outside a dark lonely college until it was time for classes, because that would be the only time I had. I would rush back from work just to send him to work, and then rush off to class again, being on my feet the whole day, and then come back, and fetch him, and then worry about what he'd want to eat for dinner. A hungry penguin is an angry grumpy penguin.

I knew he loves car shows, Taxi, Saw, Fast and Furious, so when I went back to Penang, I would go to the DVD shop and hunt for all those DVDs, just so we could sit back and watch those together.

All these things I did, he'd say that I was a spendthrift, and didn't know how to control my money. Yes, I do buy clothes now and then, and I enjoy getting something small every time, but it can never be as much as the money I actually am willing to spend for him. I would never dare, until now, to buy myself anything even though I badly want it, but I know, he LOVES these things, and so....

One of the last birthdays, I didn't know what to get him, and so I hunted around for the Stadium Arcadium by RHCP, and the next round, I got him the albums from Avenged Sevenfold. Those were really hard to find.

If we didn't break up, I already had so many things lined up in my Bookmarks tabs, of all the things I wanted to get him. Original band tour Tshirts, candy skull Zippo, candy skull & pin-up paraphernelia, and oh well, actually, a Schechter guitar, if it must be said.

Oh yeah, I also designed the pink acoustic guitar for him. All the nights he was complaining and quarreling with me, I was actually spending drawing up the sketch, trying to incorporate things that he loves (skulls, stars, "Living Art", pink) into a guitar and the other days painting it and going all worried because it might not turn out perfect.

All the times I would get up in the middle of the night to make him food, as fast as possible, so that he could go to sleep.

Taking him to buy plants and buying the bamboo plant, even though I had to skimp a lot for the month, because it was too costly.

I don't look at money when I love someone, because I'd rather spend it on him, because it will make him happy.

And he says I don't appreciate the value of money, I sleep my life away, amongst other things. All those things he says to me hurts, because, I always had him at heart, when I did those things. Yes, I was super bitchy, but, it all came out, because we had so many petty issues we did not resolve, and it started to come out.

I also went on a board game craze, because I wanted to start staying home a little more, spend more time with him, but I don't think that made a point.

Seriously, if I got a windfall, the first things I think about are getting him the things he's always wanted. Like, a laptop, a sound system for TV and for the laptop (oh yeah, I spotted one, with Harmon Kardon sound system, perfect for him). Oh yeah, and the times I had backache, spending so many hours rearranging his entire music library, so it would look good on his new iPod go to waste. I "only spend time sleeping and drinking".

Sigh.

The boundaries of my love? None. In a heartbeat, I would be there for him. All he has to do is ask.

All is not lost....

2011-07-28T00:43:00.000+08:00

All is not lost I guess...

Last night, I dropped by to see TinkyWinky, and Ian's Dad was outside, getting ready to take the doggies for a walk. I saw Ian looking at me from inside, and then he disappeared. I played with her for a bit, and she was being a lovely one as usual, and just as I was about to go, I asked Ian's dad, what time they were going to walk, as it was getting late. He said, he was waiting for Ian to come out.

Just as I exited the gate, he came out. So obvious he was avoiding me.

Seriously... I have no time, even though we have so much we love to do together, so much that we do so well and having so many things that just explode when we both put our heads together, but I don't have the time for people who act so childish and cowardly.

Yes, I know, I still love him, but I think, I'm in love with the Ian I used to know. This.... person now, is totally different. He's cold, mean, rude, childish, cowardly, irresponsible, drifting between jobs, backhanded and frankly, I'm surprised I still try to hold a good view of him.

Oh well. To each his own. I do not want to love anyone yet, because I'm tired of loving him so much, and have him turn worse by the day. But who am I to judge ay? I know he can be a better person, but the fact that he doesn't want to, well, that's a trait in itself.

There will always be someone out there, who can be the one who holds my wrinkly hand to sleep, and it does not necessarily stop at him. The only regret, is losing TinkyWinky.

God removes him for a better reason? So that I can finally stand on my own two feet, discover the real me, and grow up in a shorter amount of time, so I can realise my dreams, potential, and meet someone who is willing to accept me for who I am.

That in mind....let's work it out through this coming week.