ISIP-BATA

A Letter I Wish You'd Get To Read Again After 20 Years

2012-01-31T09:15:00.000-08:00

(January 31, 2012)

To the man I love the most.

The breeze of January is filled with romance and its coldness makes me shiver. Tomorrow, it will be February, there'll be love and more love. Oftentimes the rain would pour down heavily and I would find myself longing for you. Don't blame the weather though. It is not the reason why I want you, why I need you, but it actually makes me feel that I should really be with you because I love you, nonetheless.

I can't avoid feeling jealous when I see lovers together during mass. There always seems to be a spark whenever they look at each other. Who could ever miss the meaningful smiles they paint on each other's faces? However, behind that leap of joy that I feel for them is the loneliness inside me, knowing that I am alone and you are still somewhere out there.

My love goes to you as my mind wanders away and imagines how perfect we are as a couple. How we think alike, how we miss each other at the same time, how we text each other at the same time because we already miss each other. Oftentimes, I find myself scribbling notes, or spur-of-the-moment thoughts, well, they are more of like poems for you, poems about my great love for you, poems about this love we share, and even phrases or quotes from the books that I have read and movies that I have seen. As you know, I am a self-praising blogger and some may think that my words just come out as easy as my tactless brain stitches up the sentences of my heart. I hope you know that the words in this letter are carefully thought of, and drafted twice just to achieve the perfect message I want to convey to you.

As I mention poems, here's a part of Ludwig van Beethoven's The Immortal Beloved Letters which I'd like to share with you:

"Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us...

Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits...

No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves...

Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men... My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once...

Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever ours."

Absentmindedly, as I look out of the window, I would search for words as perfect as that and I came to ask myself if I deserve someone perfect like you. I am not perfect and you know that. Far, too far from perfection, that is me. I cannot promise you a paradise nor a castle, neither the stars nor the moon. I am a dreamer, too, more like reality deemed taboo. Well, who else isn't ambitious? I once dreamed that the man I love will propose to me in a carriage of white horses, or as simple as being kissed under the rain. Funny thing about dreams is that they make us cling onto something, they make us strive and get hold with whatever we have so we can attain whatever we want in the future. But here's the thing, my piglet, seasons may come to pass and years may swiftly go, but the love that I feel for you will surely never fade. I even wondered: How can I describe this love, or is this love even possible to describe?

I know this is stupid to say but I am really not sure if I have to or should publish this one. It kind of feels awkward. Well, you are out there and I am here. I am not even sure if I could ever match and surpass the frequency of your thoughts on me from time to time. You see, there are billions of people around the world and seven continents, but I am here in my bed, unfortunately waiting in vain for my graduation day to come, the day that I will finally see you again. I am not even sure if you will be able to appreciate this little girl's craft of imagination. However, I am not losing hope that one day, we are bound to meet again and stay in love in each other's arms until our last days.

The moon is now slowly casting a silver-like light around the city, setting all those underneath it into a stunning view. And as the city lights emerge out of nowhere, so is my love for you.

I love you, honey ko. :)
Happy 3rd month to us!

Confused Friendship

2012-01-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

There's a part of me that tells me NOT to write about this, and another part of me tells me it's okay to spill it.

It's not that it's such a big deal, I'm just confused why so suddenly, people who I thought were part of my comfort zone have started to turn a cold shoulder on me. And honestly, I have no idea.

I think it's best that I don't name names, since I don't want this issue to really get big. The reason why I'm writing this is just because I NEED an outlet on the mixed and mismatched moods I'm trying to juggle.

This is about a former classmate whom I've gotten close to for a while last year. I remember, he used to share to me about his tragic love story. I don't know what happened, really, why he suddenly started to act weird. As far as my memory brings me, I spent my week long vacation during October 2011 with THEM. He was with us there when his friend wanted to visit me at home. He was there when his friend treated me at an eat-all-you-can restaurant. He was there during my first and second tagay session with our batchmates. And then I don't know what happened. He started talking to me rudely, even publicly, when we converse, and also on facebook. I would admit I'm hurt, and that I never thought he would do such thing to me. Friends man kaha mi? Diba? When he suddenly unfriended me on facebook last December, my ego was hurt, so I decided not to add him back. And now, just a while ago, I found a friend request. It was him, so I accepted it. I thought we were okay. Until..

GOODNESS. I don't even know what wrong I did to this guy.

Money, I Need You. :|

2012-01-16T08:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Money,

I know you're just somewhere. I kinda need you for PI100, Investments class and AdCamp, so please come to me ASAP. My salary is quite insufficient for all these stuff, and I'm going crazy thinking where I could find you.

Love,
Angelee. <3

P.S.
I'll be patient.

Our Second Month

2012-01-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

[Eto na. Ang proof na ang cheesy-cheesy ko na talaga! Waaaaaa.]

My text messages to my Tatan.
03:43:24 AM

Happy 2nd month to us honey ko..

I'm not really good in telling people how much they mean to me, but in our case, honestly, nag-effort ko. Haha. Congrats to me. :P

I hope you bear with me kay medyo daghan ko'g ganahan isulti.. :)

(Though plan ra pud ni nako isuwat sa blog. Haha. Or kung di ka ganahan, ok ra pud.)

Good luck sa imong inbox hon. :p

Ok. Here it goes.

Hon, thank you. For so many things. Thank you for sticking up with me even if daghan kaayo ko ug reklamo and personal opinions sa mga random things. For telling me that I'm pretty bisa'g yagit jud kaayo ko'g nawng ba. For telling me I'm special..

Thank you for trying to explain to me anything and everything pud. Especially sa akong mga questions nga out-of-the-blue. Ug sa akong mga personal issues. Ug sa mga mental battles nako..

Thank you for always being there for me. Sa pag remind nako nga mu-kaon jud. Sa pag care..

I love you honey ko.. I wouldn't be this contented kung wa ka naabot ug nanamok sa akong life. Hahaha. :)

2 months na ta hon.. Actually, I'm not expecting too much from this relationship. Ganahan ko ma-surprise na lang ko one day, ni-abot na diay ta ug pila ka months, even years. Nindot siya huna-hunaon gud.

Life's a short term thing, but would it be possible if pang long term ta? YES. Probably. We'll work it out. :)

Pasensiya lang ka usahay kung medyo di ko sweet ha? Mura'g nawagtang na man gud akong gift with words, or maybe mas maayo ug mas sweet lang jud ka.. Though it doesn't mean nga dili na lang pud ko magpakasweet. Haha!

And pasensiya pud kung di ko tig pangasaba.. Hmm. Though wala na man pud ko'y dapat ikapangasaba. You're masunurin man gud. Bisan wa jud ko ni-ingon nga bawal mag-smoke and mu-inom, but when I said nga di kaayo ko ganahan, you tried to change..

Plus ang imo pagtuman sa ako request nga if okay lang na magpahibaw ka if mag-smoke ka, it meant a lot to me. Do you know nga karon ra jud ko naka-feel nga nindot man diay ang feeling nga naa'y mananghid nako, and naa'y mag-agad sa akong approval (permission, I mean)? Awesome. Heart-warming. :)

Do I sound bossy already, honey ko?

I'm kind of at loss for words, hon. Dili kaya ma-express sa text, sa blog, sa tabi sa phone, ang love nako para nimo. Yes, long-distance love. A bit difficult for both of us. Maybe things would be different if we're together, but my being far from you doesn't make me love you any less. Please keep that in mind. :)

Haha. Just so you know, I'm not drunk nor sober or something. But if sending you 7 long messages (3 parts each) isn't normal, then probably it's that 200 mL Coke I drank before I slept.

I know I'm a bit weird, hon, pero mas weird ka. 'Coz you embraced my weirdness with open-minded gusto. And I love you more for that. :)

Or maybe it's my playlist on the background that's stimulating my thoughts about us, about our love, and about this whole new world you brought me to.

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there."

I want to be there for you pud, hon. Through the good and the bad. Through the happy and sad. I want to be with you. Is it just wishful thinking?

Ambot na lang jud, hon. Haha. Puno na gyud na imong inbox, pero wa pa ko katunga sa akong gusto i-share.. sa akong nobela.

Hug na lang ko bi? Pwede ra?

*Virtual Hug!*

Sige, hon. I'll crawl back under my (our) covers now. Mag-ilusyon na pud ko balik nga gi-tandayan and gi-hug tika while I sleep. Hahaha. Mwah! :*

I love you very much, KING of my heart. The sweetest dreams for you! c:

[partly kasabot na ko sa ka-cheesy sa akong parents, kay murag nagsugod na pud ko'g ka-cheesy dah. Hahaha.]

Sacrifices In Love

2011-12-29T10:27:00.000-08:00

These images were made by my younger brother for his gf on their 6th monthsary (last year). Awww.

Hangkyut lang.

Sleeping Angel

2011-12-28T07:59:00.000-08:00

Are you an angel?

Am I looking at an angel?

Is there even a sleeping angel?

Because I think you are.

My angel.

I love your arms..

And the way they invite me

to want to stay by your side,

and protect me from everything.

I love your little snores,

and somewhat my hopes

that I'd be part of your dreams.

Oh, wait.

Does an angel snore?

And does an angel dream, too?

I love your lips,

and the way they part while you sleep.

Tempting me for a kiss,

I wouldn't resist such glory.

I love looking, no staring,

while you rest your body

and sink into oblivion

to enjoy the promised adventure of your dreams.

You are an angel.

To me.

Would it be fine to kiss an angel?

Would it be okay to dream of an angel?

Can I keep an angel?

12|29|2011

Skype

12:08am

Sweetness Overload

2011-12-27T17:39:00.000-08:00

December 28, 2011

My boyfriend posted a few thoughts he had on my facebook timeline. Unfortunately, he felt they were too cheesy, and he was afraid that I would criticize them. Hindi kaya! Sweet man gud. Pero gidelete lang niyaaaaa. :(

'Always listen to what a drunk person has to say

because drunken words are spoken by sober hearts!'

Website Promotion 001

2011-12-15T05:46:00.000-08:00

Hey friends! Would you give me a minute of your time? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE click this link:

http://androidtidbits.com/

Thank you! :)) MWAH!

Ang Batang Ligoy :p

2011-12-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

I'm totally late for class. Like 20 minutes already? And I'd probably feel shy if I still entered the classroom. Hindi naman kasi nagagalit si Sir. He just looks at you like he doesn't care, but he'll mark your class card with some comment. And what's more is that the room is TOO SMALL, just one door at the side, and kinda dark inside. Kaya pag nag-open ang door, everyone looks at you like some murderer. Huwag na lang. No thanks. So I headed to Palmsdale Internet Cafe instead to work on my "revised" AdCamp programme, and the Iloilo-themed brochure for submission tomorrow.

Here's something I found:

Just look at those intricate designs!

For four long years already, I've been passing by these historical buildings and I just realized that I didn't even know their names or that they were really as old as the City itself! Yes, I know. I never really cared. And now, I have to think of something, some gimmick, to give my brochure an edge. I'm really bad at photoshop. So how can I even make it look cool?

Uhh. Ako ay babalik na sa school. My internet time is about to end. :p

Lunatic Mood

2011-12-10T07:51:00.000-08:00

taken from google.com

December 10, 2011

10:58pm

Lunar Eclipse

Feeling ko, hindi mapapantayan ng gyerang nangyayari sa buwan, itong gyerang nangyayari sa utak ko ngayon. Gyera kasi mukhang may internal hemorrhage ang moon ngayon. Unang araw rin ng period ko, at nayayamot pa ako sa matabang babaeng nagbabantay sa JACEL'S Internet Cafe sa gabing ito. Pinipilit kong huwag magmura. Mabait ako. Feeling ko lang.

Eh kasi nga, desperada akong makita ang lunar eclipse ngayon. Curfew namin dito sa bahay, 9pm. Paano ako makakalabas? Dinagdagan pa ng pang-iinggit ng boyfriend ko at ng kaibigan kong si Donna. Kaya gumawa talaga ako ng paraan para makalabas. Ikinatwiran ko pang may ipapa-print ako na pwede naman sanang ipagpabukas. Desperada nga, diba? Desperada.

Ayun, nakalabas nga ako. Pagtingin ko sa langit, yuuuuuun. Ang ganda lang tignan. Parang nagdurugo. Parang masi-stiff neck nga din ako sa kakatingala. Nakita ko na ang buwan, alangan namang pumasok uli ako ng bahay na walang dalang pina-print? Tapos ganon lang kabilis. Ano ako, engot? Kaya tumawid ako sa kalye, at pumasok sa internet cafe. Take note: SUKI AKO DOON. Kaninang umaga lang yata ako nagpa-print sa kanila eh, kaso iba yung nagbabantay. Maldita rin. Hindi ko napansin na iba pala ang nakaupo sa cashier/encoder's chair. Nag-uusap pa kasi kami ng boyfriend ko sa phone. Nang ipinatong ko ang dala kong USB sa lamesa (na palagi ko namang ginagawa at normal na ginagawa ng iba pang magpapaprint), nabigla ako ng sininghalan niya ako.

"Kuhaa na da! Indi na da bililinan USB!" Sabi ng babaeng balyena. (Kunin mo yan diyan! Hindi yan lalagyan ng USB!)

Ay? Period mo rin, teh? Menopausal ka? Siyempre, kahit na-shock ako sa panininghal niya, tinaasan ko lang siya ng kilay.

"Miss, mapa-print ko. May colored kag may grayscale." Mahinahon kong sambit. (Miss, magpapaprint ako. May colored, at may grayscale.)

Padabog niyang kinuha ang USB, tapos isinaksak sa likod ng PC. 'Ang gagang ito. Ke bago-bagong tagabantay, akala mo kung sino.' Nagsisimula nang uminit ang ulo ko.

"Ano ang filename?!"

Sinabi ko, sabay turo din sa icon sa folder. Isang 3-page document at isang JPEG file lang naman. Agad niyang ipinrint, hindi pa nga ako nakapag-recheck kung tama ba yung filename na sinabi ko. Kinuwenta ko na lamang yung babayaran ko: P16.00. Dalawang piso lang naman pag black and white printing, tapos sampung piso pag colored na full page. SUKI nga ako, diba? Kaya confident ako na alam ko.

Nang matapos mai-print ang 3-page document na black and white, sabi niya: "P23.00"

Sabi ko, "Hindi mo pa nga nakita yung photo, Miss. Overpricing naman yata?"

Sagot niya, "Hindi pa yun counted sa P23.00 ang photo. 10 pesos itong full page na may images, 8 itong walang image, at 5 itong maliit na image." Ano siya? Eh hindi nga umabot ng 1/8 ng page! Ridiculous!

Ito yung image na maliit na nag-iisa sa bondpaper.

Tapos tinanong ko kung magkano ang singil niya sa colored picture na full page. Tinanong niya ulit kung ano yung filename. Nang makita niya na JPEG file, tinanong niya sa akin kung long bond paper ba daw. Sabi ko, short lang. Sabi niya hindi kakasya. Sabi ko, kakasya yun sa short bond. (Usually kasi, pag hindi kumasya, ang ginagawa ng ibang bantay ng net cafe, kinokopya nila ang image sa MS Word. Alam nyo na kung paano yun.) Akala ko gagawin niya yun. Pero sabi niya, na mas lalong ikina-inis ko:

"Magdagdag ka na lang ng 8 pesos para ika-copy ko ito sa Word at kumasya sa short bond paper. Tapos P20 yung colored image."

Binayaran ko na lang ang 3 pages, at kinuha yung USB ko.

WHAT THE F. Kung i-litson kaya kita?

Eto, speech na pang-finale ko. SANA. Na hindi ko na lamang itinuloy.

"Wow. Negosyante. Hindi mo nga ako kilala. Alam mo ba kung magkano ang binibigay na presyo ng amo mo sa akin? Alam mo ba kung ilang beses sa isang linggo ako nagpapa-print dito? Alam mo ba kung ilang customers ang dinala ko rito at naging suki ninyo? Okay lang. Pakisabi sa amo mo, dumaan ang ISIP-BATA dito."

Sabay walkout, at tinext ko ang may-ari ng netcafe. BWAHAHA. Kakagigil.

Bawal Mag-Boyfriend.

2011-12-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

BAWAL AKONG MA-INLOVE, CUPID!

Huhulaan ko, dumaan ka sa stage ng buhay na pinagbawalan ka ng mga magulang mong makipagligawan noh? Karamihan, oo. Lalong-lalo na sa mga pamilyang konserbatibo ang pananaw at masyadong mahigpit ang parents. Okay nga yan eh. Minsan.ü

Top ka ba sa school? Maganda ba grades mo? Teacher's pet ka ba? Hindi? Aba! Kung hindi ka na nga topnotcher sa klase, hindi pa masyadong maganda mga grades mo, tapos mahigpit pa parents mo, iba na yan! Isa lang ang ibig sabihin niyan. Hindi ka inspired. Okay? Gets mo? Hindi ka inspired. Ipabasa mo ito sa mga magulang mo. (Para mapalo ka.ü)

Di ba nga may kasabihan tayo na 'All work and no play, makes Jack and Jill dull kids.' Oh, wag ka nang pilosopo. Alam ko'ng hindi Jack o Jill ang pangalan mo, pero bibinyagan kita kung talagang mamimilosopo ka.

Ayan. Nakakabobo ang sobrang pressure. Kailangang mag-unwind. Mag-boyfriend ka muna, okay?

Nakaka-inspire naman talaga ang makipag-boyfriend, di ba? Minsan, sumosobra nga effort mo para magpa-impress lang. Sa crush nga, over ka nang nagpapaporma, so boyfriend pa kaya? Ano pa kaya kung ang boyfriend mo ay matalino? Tapos pinag-aagawan? Siyempre, you'll work hard para ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin nya. O kahit ma-impress man lang siya at purihin ka niya. Tapos magde-date kayo as a reward. Oh diba? Asa ka pa.

Pag hindi pa rin tumaas ang grades mo, palitan mo ang boyfriend mo. Ganyan dapat kadali ang buhay. Pag hindi ka inspired, humanap ka na lang ng iba. Mabuti pa sigurong ilista mo na lang ang prospects mo. Bongga ka.

Live Life to the Fullest nga eh. Pag hindi mataas ang grado mo, hindi ka masaya. Isipin mo, hitting two birds in one stone na nga ito eh. Inspired ka na, may thrill pa ang buhay mo. May thrill dahil baka mahuli ka ng mga magulang mo. HAHAHA. Patay kang bata ka.

Pero kung talagang mahuhuli ka nga, ito ang sabihin mo:

"Bawal bawal ka dyan! If I know ginawa mo na ito noon! Masarap kaya! Diba? Try mo!"

Maghanda nga lang mapalo sa pwet.

O sige, good luck ha?ü

Trip Ko Lang Magreklamo. Hihi.

2011-12-07T00:26:00.000-08:00

Unfinished stuff, and a bunch of other things. My mind is messed up. Again. But then, there's still time. Why do I always have to live with the fast tempo of life? Why can't I just sit back and relax?

I don't know if it's just me, or other people have felt this way. It's that feeling when you see all other people doing absolutely nothing, and you're there making something out of the best of your efforts. You're trying soooooo hard to make things happen, at least for them. You're doing exactly what they tell you to do, and in the end, they change their minds. You end up pathetic. You've tried everything, until you just want to give up.

So after a while of doing what others tell me to do, here I am, repelling their summons. I rarely reply to texts, I don't even load my phone for announcements. THEY DON'T NEED IT ANYWAY. And here's more. When my other phone runs out of battery, I leave it. I only charge at night. I've been totally in such a rebel mode, and I don't care what people think now. If they want to oust me as bloc rep, all they have to do is tell me. I didn't ask for it. It was offered to me.

It's simple. I do my best in everything I do, but when I am enthusiastic to work and people are not, I drop everything. Why spend my effort? I have a lot of other things to think about. I'm not your muchacha that I'll be there in every single time you need my services. I'm done with it.

Actually, I'm easy to talk to. If you tell me straight to my face that you're not yet in the mood to work, then I can deal with it. But if you don't tell me, then FINE. Pasensyahanay na lang. So paano ngayon yan? It's my turn. I lost the enthusiasm, or rather, I 'd prefer not to work anymore because I already have other concerns to attend to. I gave my best in the last 3 semesters and what did you all do? You thought I'd forever be willing to understand? Sorry. Pasenxa na lang din.

- Pati ah. Chos lang. :p

The DARE.

2011-12-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

Our SKYPE conversation, with the emoticons he loves to play with. ;))

This probably isn't the first time that I've done this silly thing. I dared my boyfriend. 1 week without using charms and sweetness on each other. I've dared almost everyone I cared about on this, but only he refused to take the challenge, even when he knew he could. The very thing I badly wanted. Among all those I've dared, he was the only one who admitted that it would hurt him to do such thing. All the others accepted the challenge, and proved to themselves that they could live without me. I know my boyfriend COULD live without me, but he chose (and chooses) not to. I'm flattered. I'm loved.

Dili na to nato dayunon ha? I love you! :D

Should Forever Exist.

2011-12-04T00:30:00.000-08:00

An unfinished post.

I have always argued that the idea of "forever" was illogical. I never believed in forever. It had been a lie for centuries and the love it paired with always ended. Probably lasted for years, months to some, weeks to others, and days to the unfortunate. Love always ended, until it simply became a cycle, an uninteresting stereotypical routine. From strangers, to friends, to lovers, and back to strangers again. A cliché. And you know what hurts? Somewhere amidst that cycle, the promise of forever was nurtured. Like a seedling, but somehow forgotten until totally abandoned. For me, there was no such thing as forever.

Then people would butt in everytime I'd get vocal about the "forever" issue.

"Forever exists. It's for you to believe whole-heartedly." A sermon I heard from a pastor during those times when my reasoning was heavily inclined to the Christian teachings. But why was he single? I'm not being chismosa, but I heard he's got lots of failed relationships.

"Look at us, me and your Grandpa," my Grandmother used to brag. "We're for each other forever." And now she's all alone after my Grandfather died in July 2009.

Weird. And they're expecting me to be carried away to promises of forever?

Realizations.

2011-12-01T05:54:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for the crappy cropped photo of me. :p Ikaw bitaw ang bida diri, not me. Hahaha.

Realization 1 - I love you because thoughts of you make me smile. :D

Realization 2 - I love you because you give me reasons to trust in love again. :)

Realization 3 - I love you because I can't help but worry when your tooth hurts or even at your slightest cough. :p

Realization 4 - I love you because hearing your voice just completes my day. :)

Realization 5 - I love you because you make me laugh during our childish conversations. :p

Realization 6 - I love your early morning dreamy bedroom voice. :)

Realization 7 - I love your honesty, and your dedication to your studies. :)

Realization 8 - I love you because I know you care. I just know you do. :)

Realization 9 - I love you because you're much more caring than I thought you were. :D

Realization 10 - I love you because sometimes you can be so sweet when I least expect you to be. ;p

Realization 11 - I love you because I get more inspired to reach for my dreams every time I think of you. :)

Realization 12 - I love you because you make me think more of the future than the present. You know, like looking forward to the day I'm gonna see you and be with you again. :D

Realization 13 - I love you because you made me realize that I am needed, that I am important, that I am loved.

Realization 14 - I love you because you give effort just to make me smile. :D

Realization 15 - I love you because you make me believe that no matter how flawed I think I am, you will still love me the way I am. :]

Realization 16 - I love you because we share the same weird views in life, yet we both believe that someday, probably, life will get weirder than our views. :p

Realization 17 - I love you because of the way you give time to your friends without having to disrupt our special time for each other. :)

Realization 18 - I love you because you made it a point to be clear with your intentions. Especially when you said: "I don't want sex to be the basis of our relationship." After the long wait, I finally found a guy like you. :")

Realization 19 - I love you because you're very understanding. I may get inevitably busy at times, but you're always considerate. Ü

Realization 20 - I love you because you're family-oriented. I can almost always feel your love for them whenever they become the topic of our nightly phone conversations. :)

Realization 21 - I love you because you try to make me understand life, reality and the importance of dreaming. That my personal fictional imagery of the future I want to live in can be real, if and only if I will learn to fully trust in myself and believe in what I can do.

Realization 22 - I love you because your laugh makes me laugh, too. As if it invites me to share the happiness and laugh with you. :p

Realization 23 - I love you because you sing to me every night. Who said "harana" wasn't applicable to long distance lovers? :)

Realization 24 - I love you because you're never ashamed to say "I love you" to me even when your friends are around. :*

Realization 25 - I love you because I would try to do even the most silly things just to make you smile. :p

Realization 26 - I love you because I realized that those long talks over the phone almost every night were simple gestures of you letting me know that I need to be part of your day. :)

Realization 27 - I love you because saying "I love you" everyday wasn't the usual me. But then again, I really do love you. I proved that to myself every passing day. Why shouldn't I say it if I really do? :)

Realization 28 - I love you because your awesome dreams dwarfed my aspirations. I am inspired. :D

Realization 29 - I love you because you're patient with me, and you laugh at and understand my silly childishness. Not everyone would do so.

Realization 30 - I love you. I just do. :D

- Happy first monthsary, My Tatan! :) Amazing. Niabot lagi ta ug one month. Paspasa gud sa panahon? It only seemed as if it was the first week, and now, first month na. Wow. But I would rather count the days we're still going to spend with each other than the days we've spent. Ahh. Memories. Let's make more of them, shall we?

Three IDIOTS LOL

2011-11-27T06:47:00.000-08:00

(3 idiots..)

Obet: Manang, kita na ka ug 3 Idiots?

Me: Uu, tulo ka picture nimo. :D

#hahahahahaha.

Who cares? That's how me and my brother talk. Decent conversations are so yesterday that we forget we can talk in the normal manner.. Some people may think we're morons when they hear us, and others would just laugh with us. Our parents have long been used to this that they'd just laugh.

"I'm Confident That She's Coming Back."

2011-11-25T08:28:00.000-08:00

Got this from Jessah's album of profile pictures

At about 9:48 this morning, I was at the internet cafe waiting in line to have my files printed. Then my phone vibrated. Jessah was calling and I was a bit hesitant on accepting the call for the place was noisy, yet I decided not to continue printing the files I was supposed to submit by 10am and answered the call. And..

"MANAAAAAAAAAANG! GIBUWAGAN KO NI TANNNNYYYYYYY! HUUUUUUHUUUUU."

My eardrums hurt. I thought she was only kidding, the way she usually does when she misses me. But that instance felt different. It's as if I could feel my heart getting pierced hearing her cry like that. She never cried over small things, unless her ego and her feelings really get hurt, or she badly wants something done for her. I only have 2 memories of Jessah crying: one was when she was late and Teacher Vivian didn't allow her to come in, and two, during graduation, when she was parting with her best friends. I remember those memories well, because they helped me understand Jessah's ability to hold back tears while she still could. This time, I swear. I could almost feel my eyes tearing up even when I'm on the jeepney on my way to school. She was hurting.

Let us not be judgmental here. Jessah was in a relationship with a girl, or rather, a self-confessed lesbian. They've been together for two years or something, and I thought they were going to last. I, who had not yet experienced a relationship that went on that long, thought they were destined for each other. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm not.

She's probably still crying by now. Even if we're laughing together while talking on the phone. Or while she's typing lots of "ahahahahaha~s" on our text message exchange. I couldn't help it. I wanted to be there for her, but I'm soooooooooooooo far away. Like with Erwin before. But there's something that she said that struck me.

"Nang, do you know the feeling that you're so hurt yet you still feel that there's a chance for both of you? That's what I'm feeling now. I'm confident that she's coming back."

How can that be, Jes? For me, when someone ends a relationship, then it's over. Because if that person truly loves you, why would that person even think of letting you go?

I asked her what the reason was about that led to their breakup. Tanny said [daw] that she's tired of her. She feels that Jessah is immature, while she has grown during their relationship. That she hates it when Jessah gives her curfews and all. Like, can't they both do something about that? Can't they both talk?

Why bother sticking with someone who cannot accept you when you're at your worst? You won't always be at your best. You don't buy chocolate and throw away the almonds just because you don't like them. You don't order cake only because you like its toppings and not caring about its flavor and quality.

UH. I don't know. I just think the reason is way too lame for me to digest. What a waste of everything. Time, money, effort, and love.

* Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I really think.

Are YOU Real?

2011-11-23T19:09:00.000-08:00

For so many reasons, I guess my trust issues just worsened. Even before I realized that I love you.

I've known myself quite enough that I am almost aware of the flaws in every inch of my skin, in every bit of my personality, in every fragment of my thoughts. Flawed. Imperfect. Ordinarily random. Never special anymore. Then there you are, telling me that I am loved. That you love me the way I am, even when you haven't seen me personally in a long time. I feel torn whether to believe your words, or to hold on to my self-proclaimed truths. It's as if your words were the salvation of my drowning ego, but my own truths had been my floating device. No movement to shore-bound directions, but assures me of momentary safeness.

My silence and reserved coldness had been my shield, until I let them down for you. I know I have done the right thing, and I believe so, too. When you came, there was a repositioning of my internal strategy. Should I shove you off, or should I give it a go? It wasn't an eenie-meenie-miny-moe decision, if you must know. I had to weigh a lot of things, including the stuff I've felt for you way, way back. I didn't realize those before until the moment you courted me. And I did accept your love.

Are you real? Aren't you just a dream? You're everything, almost, that I have dreamed of. Everything was just about a faceless guy who'd take care of me, spend time with me, and understand my immature, illogical reasons. Who'd understand my priorities, and dream dreams with me.

Your words seem real. Your promises now engraved to my heart. I will believe you.

- Ang OA ko lang. :D

Internal Instability

2011-11-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

I know this would really sound stupid, but who cares? I don't really intend to sound like some pathetic, insecure goner, but I guess that's still what's going to happen later.

The more I spend time pondering and evaluating my strengths in preparation for graduation and eventually for my application on a career-defining work, I realize that I have not been really getting any knowledge enrichment. Boo. I know my pride's getting way out of control, but it's true. I thought I was good, until I meet people who are better and start shoving the reality down to my throat. I am not good enough.

The things is, I thought I have gotten over this feeling 5 years ago. I thought I'd never have anything else to be worried about. I thought I was finally getting hold of myself, my dreams, my future. I thought I was now a better person than I used to be, and better in many different aspects as expected of me. Probably, people would say I've improved. A lot. But my standards say no. I have a lot of things to work out, and I do not wish to restart those years of adjustments all over again. Those awful years of internal battle. Those awful years of internal crisis.

I'm insecure today, and I admit it.

So I'm going to eat.

Little Miss Tutor

2011-11-22T06:06:00.000-08:00

So today was my second day at work as an English tutor and a private tutor for a Korean mother and daughter. I'm feeling quite proud of myself having finally gotten a regular part-time job that would compensate for the things I wish to spend on. I badly wanted to work since second year college, but there were a lot of reasons why I haven't dared to send my application letter and resume. One reason was my cowardice.

I don't really mean to say that this is my first part-time job. I had a few sidelines before. I was Peter Nery's sort of "reviewer/reader/critic" for his Ang Busali-an novel. I am currently one of Sir Loot's team members who do surveys. I wrote poems before, and sold them to that unknown guy who gave me P300 in exchange for five poems. I never really knew what he did to them. Then there was also a time when I got paid for typing jobs. LOL. It was just a two-week job, I never expected any payment, but I received enough. :p

I am contented. Even if people tell me the salary is too low, I care not. I will do this. I'd rather have at least something, than none. :)

And since I'm a proud person, I'd rather work than just keep asking for allowance from my parents and my aunt. :)

Kaya ko toh. Imagine thee payback. :p

Who's Jonathan To Rogean?

2011-11-20T00:27:00.000-08:00

Kay siya jud ang nagpili ani nga photo. :D

Who is Jonathan Ragandac in your life?

A question my Tatan used to ask. I've been pondering for so many days already, and I can't seem to make up my mind about who he really is to me now. A friend? More than a friend? No. A boyfriend? That will be an understatement. He is not just a boyfriend to me.

How could that be? It hasn't even been a month. I don't know. I just happened to start building and connecting my dreams for the future with him. I just see him to be the partner in life I used to dream about. I see him as the one person who will spend beer sessions with my Tatay, and play kid games with my younger cousins. Someone who will call me up at lunchtime when I'm busy at work just to remind me to eat and relax. He will be someone who'll fetch me from the office when I need to work overtime. He will be someone I will take with me when I buy my dream lot in Guimaras, and we will both decide on what kind of house to build.

The way he is to me now doesn't end there. There's a lot to say, a lot to share, but there's not gonna be enough space, and time. Over time, I will be adding a few things, changing and deleting some. But as much as I can, I hope I can always let him know who he is to me, no matter how hard it seems even through the use of words.

-Speechless (este, typeless) na ko. Waaaa. Hope I can write better soon. Love lots!

Who's Proud Again? :)

2011-11-16T06:41:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I promised myself:

To show my boyfriend that I am proud to have him in my life, I would introduce him to the world.

So [virtual] world, I want you to meet my Jonathan Ragandac. With our ate. :)

When I Close My Eyes

2011-11-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

It's when I close my eyes
that I see you the most.
The time when I can see
your eyes staring back at me
and your lips pucker,
wanting to kiss me.

When I close my eyes
these feelings heighten.
I know I love you when I'm awake,
and the more I love you
when I see nothing but darkness.

When only I see darkness
I realize that I am alone.
No one else but me.
But in the darkness I know,
Your love exists to shelter me.

When I close my eyes,
I feel your arms wrapping around me.
Even when you're far,
it seems like you're just an inch away.

So tonight I will close my eyes,
And I will see you again.
I will feel the love in your eyes,
the wanting of your kiss,
the warmth of your hugs.
Coz when I close my eyes,
I know that for once,
I am worthy of your love.

10:49 pm

November 13, 2011

for Jonathan Ragandac

When It Rains, It REALLY Pours.

2011-10-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

You know how it feels to hide, literally, from people? I know the feeling so much that I think I'm getting used to it. I'm not bragging or what. I just have to let it out.

So I've been trying not to write anything about my love life recently. I mean, I really tried. But I'm not really the most secretive person on Earth. :p

Let's use coded names.

2011 started off with a separation. As few people who knew I had a boyfriend know, we officially broke up last April. Okay. Life goes on. No hard feelings.

I focused more on my friends. I don't know, but I think that's just me. I always think that a boyfriend would steal me away from my friends. -_- Loser. I even considered that I could be well off being single forever, having fun and never get attached. Until..

Early July. Somebody from India added me up on Facebook. I was feeling very friendly and nice that time that I confirmed his friend request. We started off as friends, and he asked if he could court me.. online. (I said no, but he continued courting anyway. He even called me on the phone every night for about 2 months. :p)

Mid July. Mr. E. came across me on Facebook (again) through a mutual friend. He said I was pretty. LOL. At first I didn't accept his friend request, but I thought he was nice, so I confirmed. We talked a lot. Chatted a lot. Until I found out that he has a crush on me, and that he recently admitted it. I swear I really made it clear that I didn't want anyone to court me.

Mid August. Mr. Popoy came back to my life. HAHAHA! He was my first (unrequited) love and all, and I still fancied him. Of course I was so excited when he asked for my number. HAHAHHAHAHA. Igat kaayo. But I was only thinking of getting to know him up close. Of course, he couldn't help but court me. LOL, gaga much? But after a couple of days, he realized he wasn't getting everything so easily. He just sort of stopped, and I'm disappointed. :p He still keeps texting, though. It just happened that I don't feel being too much into him anymore.

September. Mr. Rob and Mr. JA popped up. All I remember about these guys is that I helped Mr. Rob with his business plan, and Mr. JA was someone I met in a discussion thread about blogging. LOL. I don't even remember what site that was!

October. I know Mr. A has been crushing on me since time immemorial. HAHAHA. Like, I was still in elementary? Ambot, I wasn't that igat before so I barely noticed. So when I came back to Cebu for a short visit, he grabbed the chance. He was always there at my Lola's house, bringing food and other stuff. As in EVERY NIGHT. (Except those nights when I'm out with my friends.) He confessed he was personally courting me. Not through any gadget. He would ask permission if he could have a few minutes with me, and we'd sit outside where every passerby could see. HAHA. Para ma-awkward siya. :p Then one time, I made buko juice man, I placed it on the garden set. He took my hand and kissed it! NA-SHOCK KO. BLATSE! Then he said he would wait, even if I'd have another boyfriend, or if I choose to graduate first, or if I only choose guys who are successful. He will strive daw. Okay na sana. Until I uploaded the pictures and HIS GIRLFRIEND saw it. EPIC FAIL! :D He kept apologizing and reasoning out that he had waited for that moment for so long, than to lose that only chance of being able to get near me without competition. Toinx. :| I just told him to fix his relationship with his current girlfriend and I'll talk to him soon. He asked me how soon.. I said after my graduation. LOL. Maldita, diba?

November. As in just A WHILE AGO. Mr. J was a former schoolmate in elementary school. I know this guy to be a good person, smart, and always friendly to me. He has a sister who was even valedictorian in her batch. We sort of communicated again on Facebook also, in 2010. Just catching up. We would just catch each other on YM, and chat for a while until I finish my stuff. He's one supportive guy. Pirmi mang-encourage. But I seldom shared my love problems with him. Kay awkward, and I still had a boyfriend that time. He was a good Kuya to me. :) Until he texted me again the other day (October 30), and learned from me that I had broken up with my ex a long time ago. (I wonder how that slipped off me?) I also told him I was not up for any courtship yet, as to the things that just happened. But here's his text messages:

"Don't worry, naa pa man ko sa phase na get-to-know pa lang. Yaw sad ko intawn i-discourage dayun Roj. Dugay na gyud baya ko naghulat nimo."

8:37:59am

Nov.1.2011

"Syempre. Naa man ka uyab na serious sa una pa lang gud. So nagwait na lang ko."

8:47:47am

Nov.1.2011

When I told him na my ex was a batchmate of his former elementary classmate, he said:

"Hahaha. Different ra pud baya mi. So don't worry. Nya kung maldita man ka, I can handle it. Wala ko nag-wait para mu-back down lang dayun."

8:55:02am

Nov.1.2011

When I told him I really have the tendency to discourage people and turn them down, he said:

"Hehe. Ayaw ana kay nananghid baya ko daan sa akong ate ug mama na panguyaban tika. Mamanhikan lang nya ko sa inyung house inig December. HAHAHA!"

9:20:32am

Nov.1.2011

I told him I'm not even going back to Cebu on December! :p

"Ok ra kay.. mamanghid na ko daan sa imong mama Roj na M tika basta sugton ko nimo.."

9:23:22am

Nov.1.2011

I kind of got goosebumps when I read the M word. So I said, "isn't it a bit too early?"

"Hehehe. Sige lang. Di lang sah ko manguyab as of now Roj para i-get-to-know lang sah ko nimo. Pero kung manguyab na ko nimo, kung sugton ko nimo, M gyud tika ba. Pero kung di ko nimo sugton, la na ko choice.. Hehe."

9:40:14am

Nov.1.2011

I decided to end the conversation because I felt REALLY REALLY awkward. I don't know. We'll see. Dreams first, remember?

Pila na ta ka-years friends?

2011-10-26T04:02:00.000-07:00