Israel Carrasco Monologue Jokes

Call me immature- I can't stop laughing at this

2011-12-21T01:15:00.000-08:00

Go to 2:10 Min, Louis CK explains that his kids don't watch TV

2011-12-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

Don't give the kids Ritalin - Turn off the TV!

2011-12-15T22:53:00.000-08:00

As a result of the accident, I stood home. My sister asked me to "babysit" my nephew. My babysitting skills are as follows: Do not let the child die. That's it. If I can do that, I'm half way there. My nephew is a sweet kid but he is hyper. He constantly has to play with his shoes or bounce a ball or hit something. The dude wont stop.

I burned the oatmeal, toast, and began to watch t.v with my nephew.

"Put it on that one!" ( a cartoon on Nickelodeon)
"Let me show you another cartoon that you will like."

I put it on Daffy Duck! That's right THAT Daffy duck and Porky Pig were on. You had two characters with different speech impediments. What can be better?

"Change it, That's boring man"

I changed the channel to Nickelodeon and the cartoons were loud. Cartoons for kids today have to catch their attention. So they must include noise and more noise, and lights and flashing lights, and music and noise and more noise. The mind has to cease thinking.

The Cult of the t.v had a loyal follower in my nephew albeit an unaware believer. He was hypnotized to the screen in a manner that would make David Koresh proud. I figured we go for a walk so I can rehab my back and enjoy the sunshine and on the way back I took him to the library where he looked lost. "There's no books here" he tells me. "There are thousands of book here", I tell him. He picks 4 and I become optimistic that the book may be mightier that the box.

We get home and the books are put away but the lights and chatter of the television draw him back. Another soul lost to the box.

I did a little research and found that studies have found that there is a link between t.v watching and long-term attention problems. In one study, kids were given a task immediately after watching Sponge Bob Square pants and the more they watched, the dumber they got (paraphrased)

This makes sense. It made me look back on the role of cartoons in our society. When I was a kid, School House Rock showed me how a bill becomes law, the function of conjunctions, and that three indeed is a magic number.

When I watched cartoons, Jazz or classical music played in the background and Bugs Bunny was making satire out of historical events. Henry Mancini played the jazz melody on The Pink Panther. Legend great Charles Mingus played the themes song on Peanuts. There was a fusion of music and art which is missing today. Incidentally, I find the Pink Panther one of the funniest cartoons AND THE CHARACTERS NEVER TALKED! Imagine that.

For all of the technology that the MTV generations has given us, it's come at a price that is to distracting to be seen.

Old School Cartoons (read above)

2011-12-15T22:50:00.000-08:00

Nobody Canna Cross it

2011-12-15T19:01:00.000-08:00

Jokes 12-9-11

2011-12-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

My day started shitty. I was involved in a 9 car pile up. My car was 4th on that metal accordion of a mess. This happened on the 5 freeway towards Orange County, CA. It happened so fast. The airbag deployed and my seat belt prevented me from flying through the windshield (so buckle up kiddies!). In the aftermath I was in shock and had inhaled chemicals in my system. I had to kneel to prevent myself from collapsing.

But besides a sore body, I can honestly say that I'm grateful to still be alive and to be surrounded by a core of people that truly care. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I've decided that I wasn't going to let life's struggles get me down. I will turn to humor as a refuge. I hope you enjoy the following jokes. I'll be resting and counting my blessings.

Amy Winehouse's dress fetched $68,000 at an auction. When asked if the buyer planned to re-sell it, he said "no no no"

Burger King announced that they are changing its recipe for the first time since 1998. This time they will take a gamble on potatoes.

Another woman has come forward claiming to have had an affair with Herman Cain. According to her, he had a preference for 69 69 69.

After Congress lifted a ban, horses can now be slaughtered for consumption. Next on Md Donald's menu: The McStallion.

Former Miss USA, Rima Fakih has been arrested on suspicion of DUI after she failed to properly recite the alphabet. She was released immediately when it was discovered that she's just dumb.

Astronomers have discovered the biggest black holes ever, not attached to a Kardashian.

Amanda Knox has hired a lawyer to help her land a book deal. It will be entitled: "OJ thanks for the tips."

Rod Blogojevich has been sentenced for 14 years on corruption charges. His hair is appealing that decision.

Alec Baldwin was kicked off a plane in Los Angeles for playing a word game on his phone. The pilot complained that the constant beeping was was ruining his high.

Lindsey Lohan's Playboy is set to drop early after a leak - or as Hugh Heffner calls it, draining the main vein.

Returning to nature- Why PETA hates me , why I shouldn't coach rabbits for MMA, and why you should be grateful

2011-12-09T00:06:00.000-08:00

Working For a Nuclear Free City - Je suis le Vent

2011-12-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not dead- Just feel like it sometimes

2011-11-29T00:50:00.000-08:00

Greetings Bloggers and readers from Lost Angeles, CA. I have been absent from this cyber universe for quite some time as I had another depressive episode that has lasted for about a month. During the "episode" I tend to tune out and remain in a semi-paralyzed state. As a result, I find it difficult to be creative or find humor. Instead I find dread and uncertainty. I know from reading many of the blogs here that I'm not alone in my feelings. However, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news or have my blog be a a tool for dispersing nothing but the blues.

I want my blog to be primarily a humor blog and a place where I can share a little piece of my universe. I believe that at one point this blog used to be somewhat entertaining and I want to make it that again. I do know that writing on a regular basis on my blog provided me with some discipline and this in turn allowed me to flex my creative juices. I'm trying to return to that mental state where I can create art or garbage. The point is to create. This post will be the first step.

CASE OF THE MONDAYS
The truth is that I have alot of shit on my mind. My work situation is less than ideal as the company has undergone major changes. Many people were laid off again and many people that I was really close with were liabilities in the corporate game. I could go on adinfinitum about the folly that exists at work. Suffice to say that it's the typical powerful people in power that "know better" than us proletariats. The bottom line is that I need and will get the fuck out soon for my own mental health.

Ahhh that feels so much better. I also stopped going to therapy after being bounced around from therapist to therapist. Beggars can't be choosey. It was practically a free clinic and to quote Maria Bamford, some times free clinics means crappy-shitty-no good. I know that I'm in a dark place when I stop doing the things that once gave me pleasure. I like comedy and writing and so I need to continue to pursue this.

I hope that you will still continue to check out my blog and I'll do the best to follow yours. I hope we can still be cyber pals. Deal?. I'll try to find humor again in this mad world. I'd rather laugh than cry.

somebody

2011-11-29T00:36:00.000-08:00

Weddings, Farts and why I shouldn't be out in public

2011-10-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend I made the mistake of socializing in a large group setting. I attended a wedding. My sister's childhood friend got married and the wedding service and reception were in the same place in Downtown Los Angeles. It was my girlfriend,my mother and I. My sister was a maid of honor. As I waited for the servcice to start, I began to be quietly amused by the corny music that was playing in the background.

The place had a large ceiling and was spacious. I waited and waited for the service to start but being confined to my tiny chair, my mind began to wander. The first thing I noticed was that I smelled breath. Not bad breath necessarily- just breath and come to think about it, it had to be somewhat bad if I'm writing about this now.

The blonde lady in front of me had tiny wrists. I was fascinated. They looked like chop sticks. She also talked alot with her hands and I just stared at the tiny wrists while wondering how much force it would take to snap them. I also saw a man take pictures with a pink phone. PINK PHONE? UNACCEPTABLE.

He said I do. She said I do. They kissed. Relief.

Here is the problem, the service room now needs to be arranged for dinner and the wait was long. We are escorted to a garden-like patio that had a bar and few chairs. My feet and back hurt. I'm reminded of why I hate weddings. They should just be called torture tests.

"Hey there's a pizza place accross the street. My treat," I tell my mother and girlfriend. "Just wait", Is the stern response. My back is now killing me and I'm staring at the people and debating whether it would be socially unacceptable to lie on the floor. After a long wait, we are herded inside to an assigned table.

The table is filled with parents but the are all nice. My stomach is growling but we are served Caesar Salad. (I was the only one skipped but they fixed that.) In my fantasy world, I'm pounding extra cheese on my giant slice of pepperoni pizza.

They are serving potatoes and burgers but there is a catch, the tables will be called randomly and of course, we aren't chosen until the very end. To say I was starving is like saying Amy Winehouse liked to party. (Too soon?).

THE THEFT
I get in a giant line of starving people and As I get my plate, they run out of potatoes. So I wait cordially but I look back and I notice that the line thinks I'm holding them back! One fat Mexican guy cuts in front of me and STEALS MY PLATE and rudely says, "excuse me" and proceeds to pour himself food. "That's my plate! I yell to a guy that eats Fuck you for breakfast. Wow I was shellshocked. The food was good but cold but I was happy.

THE SKETCH ARTISTS
The bride had three cartoon artists that made drawings for donations. I wait in line and I'm trying to decide which artist to use when I look up and notice a Fat Mexican artist that looked eerily familiar. Holy shit one of the artists is the guy that stole my plate. I let it go. I decided to use a lady that kept insisting that I smile. This is the sketch that she made of us.We ate and left.

THE GYM
The next day I decide to go to the gym. I lift some weights and barbells and now I do my routine of going to the aerobic room by myself to do cardio (jumprope). I'm alone and I enter and this petite girl enters behind me. I got to my corner and she is close to me. She is doing stretching exercises and I'm on a matt stretching my back when I smell the smell of death. It pierced my soul. It was sharp and foul. The bitch farted. I was livid.

There are two in the room and my ass was not the guilty party (this time). Deductive reasoning: It was her! I move away and jump rope at a safe distance, away from the agent orange. I figured, the fart would dissipate. I forgave her in my heart. I go back to jumping rope in my original spot, next to ass blaster. I'm 20 seconds into my jump roping when she raped my nose again with an explosion. O.K now that was rude!!! I left my matt and storm out of the room where oxygen awaited me. My workout was cut short.(Emphasis on CUT)

This weekned I plan on going to the mall to see how much gas masks go for.

Jokes 10-12-11

2011-10-12T17:58:00.001-07:00

A biography claims that Steve Jobs owned 100 black turtlenecks. This has angered animal rights activists that are asking, where are the rest of the turtles?

In NJ, a history professor, Elizabeth Snyder is in trouble after she told a stuttering college student not to talk. That is just b-b-b-b--bad.

The "underwear bomber" plead guilty to trying to blow up a plane. He should've used Indian Food- Guaranteed Explosion every time.

The Ninety Nine Cent store has agreed to be sold for $1.6 billion dollars and 99 cents.

They are remaking the movie "Footloose" which, if you recall, is a movie about Paul McCartney's ex wife.

Republican Presidential candidate, Herman Cain has a tax solution for the country that he has named his 9-9-9 plan. His plan, backwards is favored by Satan.

Revisiting Occam's Razor during these confusing times

2011-10-10T00:58:00.000-07:00

There is a principle that suggests that the simplest explanation or way of doing things is probably best all things being equal. In otherwords in deciding between A and B, choose the simpler of the two.

I love this principle because in an age of seemingly unlimted information, it is too easy to entertain wild ideas that spread like wildfire on the internet and other media. I thought about this recently as we revisited the events surrounding 911.

After 911, almost immediately, "conspiracy theories" cropped up by organizations such as the "truthers" that made extraordinary claims about the real cause behind 911. I'm reminded of Carl Sagan that said, "extraordinay claims require extraordinary proof."

The History Channel did a special where they investigated the claims made by conspiracy theorists surrounding the events of 911. They then provided a scientific explanation. For example, it was claimed that 911 was an inside job involving a group of people that used explosives to bring the towers down. As evidence they point to video footage of windows seeming to explode before the tower fell.

I have to admit that the first time I saw the footage, I was intrigued and entertained the idea that perhaps some evil geniuses master minded the fall of the towers from the inside using explosives. The History Channel had scientists that explained that the air pressure and heat inside the buildings caused the wind to push to the side before exiting out the windows. So what were are seeinng is air being pushed through the glass.

Now using Occam's Razor, let's ask ourselves, "is it more likely that condensed air pressure caused the glass to shatter or is it more likely that a group of people were able to booby trap a complete building without being detected and then have the building collaps in perfect synchrony to coincide with the location of the airplane crash?

See the simper answer makes more sense right?

I do not want the reader to get the impression that science is without fault and final. Nor am I blind to the inherent flaws in science, namely measuring variables and interpretating the results. In fact I do believe that one can experience the "mystical" and certain subjective forces may not be able to be quantified objetively. This should not invalidate the experience or phenomena.

I put the arts in this category. How can one adequately meausure the inspiration that causes singers to create love ballads or artists paint images never seen before?

These ramblings are presented as a caution to blindly accepting incredible claims as facts. Believe me, the world would be more exciting if I chose to believe faries visit me daily. But using Occam's Razor, I'm wagering it's a mundane bird or insect.

jokes 10-6-11

2011-10-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

President Obama has appointed Shakira to be on the panel of the Advisory Commission on Education Excellence for Hispanics. It's part of Obama's No Ass Shaker left behind.

Scientific research published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology suggests that oral sex may be the cause of mouth and throat cancer. For many, this may be hard to swallow.

NJ governor Chris Christie announced the he isn't running for president. Have you seen him? He isn't running period!

India has announced a $35 tablet computer for the rural poor. Caste included.

A quadruple rainbow has been photographed for the first time. It's being described as very,very,very,very gay.

Dinosaur tracks were found in Arkansas. Who knew Larry King walked barefoot.

TMZ is reporting that there is a Tupac porno. In it, he can be heard telling the girl, "all eyes on me and keep your head up." Man, he got around. Wessssssssssside!

The Fiercest rap battle ever

2011-10-03T16:02:00.001-07:00

Jokes 9-30-11

2011-09-30T17:53:00.001-07:00

In China, a rocket carrying its first space laboratory was launched into orbit. There was jubilation in their country. Everybody's getting Wang Chung tonight.

Chaz Bono is changing T.V . The dance show will now be called "Dancing with the stars and a transgendered moon."

Actress Leisha Hailey is calling for a boycott of Southwest Airlines after she was escorted off the plane for kissing a girlfriend. Had it been heavy groping it would have been o.k said a TSA agent.

Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi is remaining low key on his 75 birthday amid allegations that he had orgies and paid a 17 year old for sex. MSNBC will air the video on "To Catch a Prime Minister."

Bank of America will begin charging a $5 monthly fee for the use of their debit card to make purchases. Other banks will follow so they are not
a loan.

Gwyneth Paltrow twitted that she had a horrific hangover celebrating her 39th birthday. She lost a front tooth and can't recall how she ended up with Mike Tyson's tiger.

A Google Android Phone running on an operating system called Ice Cream Sandwich was leaked through Ebay. I'm waiting for the upgraded version which offers more variety: Neapolitan.

In Long Island, NY a cheating ring has been busted. Seven students paid a college student to take the SAT. That's S-A-D.

Caption Contest!!!

2011-09-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

Submit your caption and the winner gets a used book from me along with other goodies. Good luck!

I don't always have ADD

2011-09-23T14:23:00.001-07:00

jokes 9-15-11

2011-09-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

Bank of America is set to cut 30,000 jobs. It’s either that or the CEO waives his bonus.

Manny Ramirez appeared in court on domestic violence charges. It looks like whatever dignity Manny had is going,going,gone!

In a sign of a sluggish economy, 1 in 6 Americans live in poverty. I’d finish this joke but I’m hungry.

Avril Lavigne has released her new single entitled, “wish you were here”. It’s a moving song about American jobs.

Scarlett Johansson has contacted the FBI to investigate a phone hacking that led to the someone getting access of nude pictures of her. How was the hacker able to do all of that using only one hand?

Nicolas Cage said he was awoken by a naked man with a fudgesicle. When did Bill Cosby become senile?

In Hollywood, CA a man dressed as Spongebob Square Pants was detained. He asked for a a lawyer, an agent, and water.

I saw Sarah Palin at a Chinese restaurant. She insisted on having tons of rice.

Jokes 9-8-11

2011-09-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

In San Diego, CA a man dressed as Gumby tried robbing a convenience store. His mother is saddened and still remembers when he was just a little green slab of clay.

In Amsterdam a 42 year old woman is being charged with stalking after she allegedly called her ex boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. That's excessive. I can understand 64,000. Lines need to be drawn.

Indianapolis Colts quarterback, Peyton Manning has undergone neck surgery. Simultaneously, Fantasy Football players that picked him are experiencing heart attacks.

A model is suing "The Price is Right" claiming that she was sexually harassed by two producers of the show. Most disturbing was the producer flashing her while yelling, "come on down you're the next contestant. Try not to bite."

Neil Diamond is set to marry his manager. That's a savvy manager. In one transaction she will go from 10% to 50%.

In Georgia, one woman died after being exposed to an odor at McDonald's. It's called a Big Mac.

Tonight President Obama will deliver his speech on the American Jobs Act. He will act as though there are jobs.

Win MONEY!!!!

2011-09-02T00:10:00.001-07:00

Hey Guys:

I know I have been a bad blogger but I promise to make time for my blog. As many of you know, I've been taking part in a joke punchline contest and won some cash. At first, I thought it was bullshit but I have just confirmed that my money will be in my paypal account shortly so it's real.

The comedy site is trying to go live but it needs people to sign up to get an audience. So if you sign up and vote for the winning punchline, you win $$$$. I also win $$$ because I referred you. So go to the site and you can either vote for a punchline or submit yor own.

I need your support like a bra!

Please sign up using the link below. Thanx

http://www.funnyformoney.com/Sprogram/Landing/Link/PKCZ5iW3Qyg

Jokes 8-25-11

2011-08-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

A 4.9 earthquake has hit the east coast. In California, we call that an appetizer.

A new game is sweeping Libya: Where's Gaddafi.

A Kentucky jury has ruled for a doctor in a penis amputation suit. They said that the evidence did not stand up in court and the lawyers did not rise to the occasion.

2 birds have tested positive for the West Nile Virus in Wisconsin. Now you know the origin of Angry Birds.

The Oxygen Chanel plans to cancel "The World According to Paris". I'm not holding my breath.

Sean Loftis, a Florida substitute teacher , was fired after the school discovered he did gay porn. That's messed up. I'm not sure who is more anal.

A woman in Alaska has been found guilty of "hot saucing" her son. The judge was enraged that the mom did not use "mild".

The Washington monument top was cracked by the recent earthquake. The last time any crack plagued Washington, Marion Barry was mayor.

A woman sued Match.com after she was was sexually assaulted by a man she met on the dating site. Match.com will not release the perpetrator's real identity, only his screen name: Nomeansyesman2000.

Nancy Reagan fell at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in California only to be caught by Marco Rubio. She said she was grateful for the swift and decisive action of that waiter.

I hope you don't have to do this dance

2011-08-23T22:52:00.001-07:00

Middle Finger Michael

2011-08-19T17:20:00.001-07:00

3 is a Magic Number

2011-08-19T15:22:00.000-07:00