Israeli Satire Laboratory

Israel Admits: We Protected Jewish Civilians; Vows to Correct Policy

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 13:18:00 +0000

ISL - Jerusalem, 21 August, 2014 - In a stunning turn of events, the Israeli government has now accepted responsibility for the lack of Jewish civilian deaths in the recent conflict and for the extreme disproportion in the number of civilians killed on both sides of the current conflict in Gaza. PM Netanyahu said to reporters in Jerusalem : "We now realize that defending Jews while trying to defeat our enemies has resulted in a grave injustice, which has rightly been condemned by the international community. In order to correct the situation, the government has decided to institute a daily death lottery. Every day, until the war is over, the names of one hundred Israeli citizens will be drawn from a nation-wide pool and they will be subsequently executed."
Netanyahu clarified that the exact manner of execution has not yet been determined, "The exact details are unimportant, "said the PM. "What matters is that the government will now fulfill its international obligations. If we had started this policy from the beginning of the war, we could have had over 3000 dead Jewish citizens already, and we would have been far ahead of the game, in terms of public opinion."

Reactions to this new policy were mixed. A statement issued by the United Nations Commission on Human Rights, which had harshly condemned the Israeli policy of defending Jews, said that "The implementation of the United Nations Human Rights Norms for Jews is a positive step and may lead to acceptance of Israel into the international community, if the liquidation program is really implemented and enough Jews are killed." Sources within the Commission were willing to state, off the record, that the target number is six million Jews, and when that benchmark is achieved the Commission would revise its opinion of the Jewish state and accept Israel into the family of nations.
British PM, David Cameron was far more positive in his assessment of the new policy. Cameron praised the Israeli government for accepting the International Human Rights Norms for Jews and promised to resume arms shipments to Israel, "As long as they will be used to kill Jews". Netanyahu cited the British PM's statement as proof that the new policy is working to alleviate Israel's isolation and declared that "The best is yet to come."

In Israel, opposition leader Isaac Herzog applauded the new policy and said that his party will support the government, "We have been calling for years to implement this type of policy, and it is most gratifying to see that the government has finally come to its senses." Herzog added that the new policy will provide certainty and stability to the Jews in Israel, "who will now be able to know exactly when they will be killed, instead of waiting to die by the cruel chance of a missile or bomb."
However Israeli citizens seemed less sanguine. For instance, Shoshanna Meizel, a mother of three from Jerusalem, was puzzled by the decision and said, "I do not understand why we have to kill Jews. Can't we just defeat Hamas?" Others were disappointed to hear that there were no cash prizes. Uzi Cohen, a taxi cab driver from Tel Aviv shrugged off the lottery, "No one will participate in such a lottery; we already have death. The government must offer better prizes."
On the bright side, rabidly anti-Israeli MK Hanan Zuoabi admitted that she can see no flaw in the plan and, citing years of experience, graciously offered assistance, "We will be glad to help the government with the killing of Jewish citizens in any way possible."

Hamas was the only party to unequivocally denounce the new policy. Ahmad Kazab, spokesman for the genocidal terror group, said that "This is just another attempt by the constantly conniving Jews to manipulate the media and it will not work. For every civilian Jew that Israel kills on its own, we will kill five or ten or even hundreds of Palestinians!" The spokesman further vowed that "Hamas will do anything and everything necessary to preserve its moral superiority, even if it means wholesale murder of Palestinians."

***
Yes, this sounds crazy, but this is what the current logic of condemning Israel amounts to. To put it bluntly, for a large part of the international community, especially in Europe, the only good Jew is a dead Jew and the sooner the better. The only question is if and to what extent Israel will oblige these most stubborn anti-Semites.

Israel Pretense Forces Bravely Escape Armed Conflict

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 06:34:00 +0000

ISL - Jerusalem, 11 December, 2012 - In another heroic action, highlighting the courage and vigilance of Israel's Pretense Force, an entire squadron of veteran combat soldiers faced off a fierce group of stone-flinging Arab youths, escaping just in time to avoid quelling the disturbance in a professional and decisive manner and without inflicting any kind of physical or spiritual damage upon the Arab hooligans.

Secretly filmed footage of the action was inadvertently released on the internet yesterday, allowing the public to witness firsthand the perils of service in the Israeli Pretense Force. Most of the public, as well as Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu and many other MKs from the entire political spectrum, were supportive of the action and the IPF, praising the bravery of the soldiers and their determination to uphold the strictest, most humane rules of combat ever set up by a scarred nation fighting for its very existence. Israeli PM, Netnayahu, released a statement saying that "A new and better generation of soldiers has emerged in Israel, a generation that forgoes the base, physical aspect of combat in order to achieve pure, metaphysical victory on the moral plane. They are the pride of the nation." Minister of Pretense, Ehud Barak, also known as "Runaway Ehud", for his successful, groundbreaking midnight retreat from Lebanon and other military failures, said that "Not since the Disengagement have we seen the IPF act in such a decisively moral manner. This is a proud day for all defenders of important Jewish values such as 'turning the other cheek' and 'Loving your enemy'.
IPF Chief, Benny Dunce, later admitted that three soldiers were moderately wounded in the action, but said that "Moral victories are never cheap, and sometimes, if not always, Jewish blood is the price of conquering and maintaining the moral high ground, which is the only real ground there is and therefore our most important military objective."

***
This loathsome business of trading Jewish lives, property, history, ethos, and values for a theoretical morality that only Jews must adhere to, has really gotten out of hand. This premise, invented and imposed in the 1980s by former Supreme Court Chief, Aharon Barak, and the Israeli media, is the source of all our troubles, from the Oslo Accords to this day. The sooner we rid ourselves of this mindset, the more lives we will save on both sides.
Also, lest anyone has forgotten, the last decisive moral victory that the Jewish people won was the Holocaust. For my part, I can do without such "victories"...

International Outrage as Netanyahu Changes Lightbulb in Jerusalem Home

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 17:19:00 +0000

ISL - Jerusalem, 9 December, 2012 - The international community expressed outrage yesterday after it become known that Israeli Prime Minister, the hawkish Mr. Netanyahu, changed a lightbulb in his home in Jerusalem. UN chief, Moon-Sun Tide said that he is extremely disapointed in the actions of the Israeli Prime Minister, which may have set back peace for another decade. High placed sources in the American government said that US President Barak Obama had the worst hissy fit ever and had to be forcibly restrained from calling Netanyahu a dodo-head. Britain and France threatened to continue to despise Jews and serve Muslim interests. to their own detriment. In the West Bank, moderate Palestinian President Mr Abbas issued a statement saying that "This latest provocation proves beyond the shadow of doubt that the Israelis do not wish for peace and that, regrettably there will be no peace in the region until all the Jews are killed."

For his part, Netanyahu apologized for changing the light bulb in the living room of his house in downtown Jerusalem, claiming that his actions did not in any way shape or form signify a deviation from the policies set down by his predecessors and the international community. "Changing light bulbs in Jerusalem is permitted according to the Oslo accords," a sweating Netanyahu said to reporters today,adding desperately, "Even Rabin changed light bulbs." But the invocation of the Holy Rabin only served to further enrage the horde of Leftist Israeli journalists, so that Netanyahu had to be ushered out of the back door by his security detail, which feared for his life.

Politic analysts in Israel opined that the radical move by Netanyahu was part of the political gamesmanship conducted by all parties before the upcoming election, in which the Likud pretends to be more right-wing than it actually is, and the other Jewish parties on the Left follow suit. Senior analyst Hanan Bamba said that the world needs to understand the situation and relax, since Netanyahu will undoubtedly return to implementing the policies of the Left the minute he is voted into office once again.

_____

Well, I've gone back to reading current events once in a while due to the upcoming elections, so I may be posting a bit. This, obviously, is my response to the ridiculousness sparked by the government's decision to build homes for Jews in Israel...As you can tell, I am no fan of our current chief executive, who has severely discriminated against Jews simply because they are Jews. I am beginning to think that things will not really change for the better until we get ourselves a bona fide right-wing religious prime minister.

American Jew Accused of Owning 450 Black Slaves in NBA Plantations Across the Country!

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 20:14:00 +0000

ISL - 11 November, 2011 - One hundred fifty years after the civil war that tore apart the Union, and fifty years after the civil rights movement erupted across the nation, it appears that black slavery in the United States is far from abolished - on the contrary, it is alive and well in one of America's prominent entertainment venues: the National Basketball Association. This, according to new accusations made by intrepid Black journalist Bryant Grumble, and by attorney Jeffrey Kessler who represents the NBA slaves in their ongoing quest for freedom. Unfortunately, both men did not provide the American public with sufficient details about the conditions of black slavery in the NBA, a task which ISL has taken upon itself.

A quick internet search reveals that the conditions of the black slaves who labor in the NBA are harsher than anyone could have imagined in this day and age. Witness, for instance, the picture below:

This measly mansion has a meager 8 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms, and rests on no more than 20,862 square feet of property, which includes the small, entirely inadequate pool depicted in the picture above. As you may have guessed, this minuscule property, which is barely fit for a dog and valued at no more than 50 million dollars, is the abode of an NBA slave known only as "LeBron James", a ridiculous appellation, given to him no doubt by his evil master and (alleged) father, NBA commissioner David Stern. In addition to being compelled to live in these degrading and shameful conditions a thousand miles from his hometown of Akron, Ohio, LeBron James, like all other NBA slaves, is contractually forced to make baskets, dunks, and assists in the NBA fields, for seven and often eight consecutive months a year.

The video below, shot at great risk by civil rights volunteers, shows LeBron James at work with other slaves. Viewers will note the three white overseers in black pants and grey shirts who control every movement of the slaves with their whistles. Slaves who disobey the Master's rules are immediately punished with a "foul". Six fouls lead to banishment from the NBA fields and more severe and dreaded forms of punishment. For this reason, the fearful slaves do all they can to avoid incurring the displeasure of the white overseers.

Observant viewers may have noticed that "6" is also the number savagely branded on LeBron James shirt. In fact, just like in the Holocaust, every NBA slave has a red-hot number branded on his shirt, so that clearly NBA players are not only slaves, they are also Holocaust survivors, a fact which Jeffrey Kessler should have brought to the attention of the American public.

According to sources, there are about 450 Black slaves and NBA Holocaust survivors who are currently trapped in the horrifying NBA labor camps, with no hope, no friends, and no way out of their cruel existence except to play out their contracts. On average, they last five years in the vicious, debilitating playing fields of the NBA, while being paid no more than an average annual salary of five million dollars. A quick calculation shows that the average NBA Black slave will make no more than 25 million dollars in his short career as a slave. Considering the rising prices of mansions, maids and cable TV, 500 square feet walk-in closets, "Cribs", Bentleys and other luxury cars, as well as "bling-bling", it is no wonder that many of the black slaves in the NBA cannot make ends meet.

To us, it is clear that such base cruelty must be stopped. These atrocities are not being committed in the hell-holes of the Middle East or in powerful China - this is happening right here in our backyard, in the U.S of A. How can any decent, upright American citizen see these flagrant human rights violations and fail to tremble with rage and cry out at the stark injustice?

In such dark times I am reminded of the famous and inspiring lines written, no doubt, by an anonymous Black NBA slave, perhaps at halftime or in the training room, after another grueling day under the burning spotlights of the NBA fields:

First they came for the NBA players,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't an NBA player.

Then they came for the Black anti-Semites,
and I didn't speak out, because I wasn't a Black anti-Semite.

Then they came for the self-hating Jews,
and I didn't speak out, because I wasn't a self-hating Jew.

And then they came for me, and we went bowling, and we never watched an NBA game again. Ever.

****

If you are wondering, Bryant Gumbel was not fired for his racist and anti-Semitic remarks. This stands in stark contrast, for instance, to Rush Limbaugh, who was forced to quit a moment after he made a much less inflammatory and hurtful remark about the media reporting on Black NFL quarterback Donovan McNabb, a remark that was actually quite truthful.
Jeffrey Kessler, who like Grumbel debased hundreds of years of Black history in America, is somehow still retained by the basketball players union.

Finally, hat tip to one of the most insightful basketball writers on the net, David Friedman.

NFL Bans Tackling Due to Player Safety Concerns

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 08:21:00 +0000

ISL - New York, 6 November, 2011 - The Divine Emperor and Prime Mover, the All Knowing and All Powerful King of Kings of the NFL, the Omnipotent Finer of Fines and Maker of Rules, His Glory and Eternal Sunshine, Mr. Roger Goodell announced yesterday a new decree upon the NFL and its adherents. The decree, known officially only as NFL Bull MMMDCCLXXIV, forbids tackling any player on the field. Sacking the quarterback has been officially banned and returns of any kind are forbidden. Special teams plays will be decided solely by the kickers, who will kick the ball as far as they can. In case of a touch-back the ball will be placed on the 20 yard line and in any other case the ball will be placed wherever it finished rolling.
His Highness, Roger Goodell The Infallible, explained that tackling may result in injury, and injuries tarnish the image of the entire sport: "We want a clean, fair game, a game that has no violence or brutality, a game that embodies the spirit of love and kindness that is the essence of the NFL and the entire great nation that is America," said His Impeccabillity, Goodell the Magnifiicent.

Several star defensive players have questioned the new rules. Brian Urlacher of the Chicago Bears said that traditionally, tackling has been the primary means of preventing the advance of the offensive player. "Its removal from the game will have an immense impact on the way it is played," Urlacher remarked, although he stopped short of questioning the supreme wisdom of the NFL Czar, "I have implicit trust in our Saviour, the Great Pigskin, Roger Goodell," Urlacher said, perhaps wary of being summoned to questioning by NFL authorities - as happened recently to Ndamukong Suh, the star defensive tackle of the Detroit Lions. Following an anonymous tip by sensitive Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, Suh was arrested by league officials and accused of displaying severe disrespect to the quarterback position. Suh exited a one hour "interview" with the Goodell Himself in a mellow and contrite mood, "His Goodellness explained to me that I have hurt the feelings of many quarterbacks in the league and that it was wrong of me to do so. I apologized and promised to be nicer in the future", said Suh.

The new rules promise to be as confusing as the old ones. Written in the same secret code in which the entire Book of NFL Rules is written, only a handful of officials are expected to actually understand what the rules of the game are and even they are not expected to reach an agreement regarding their interpretation. We asked former Vice President of Officiating, Mike Ferrari, to explain the effect of the new rules on the game and its adherents: "Well, the question is where was the ball when the runner was stopped," Mike replied. "In other words, did the ball cross the plane or didn't it? From one point of view it appears that the tip of the ball is touching the outermost reaches of the edge of the goal line, but from a different point of view one can clearly see San Diego on a sunny day. So it all comes down to what mood the head official is in. Judging by his terse speech and abrupt movements, Mike Carey seems to be suffering from a severe case of constipation and therefore I expect a harsh, unfavorable interpretation to the rules in this situation, meaning that he will probably rule a personal foul "roughing the ball carrier" on the defensive player, who forgot that tackling is forbidden. Therefore, as a result of illegal tackling, the ball was fumbled at the goal line resulting in a touch-back or safety, as the case may be. At least that how I expect the ruling on the field to be considering the crew, the national deficit, and the fact that Jupiter is in the house of Mars."

Yes, this is more or less the present state of officiating in the NFL, and we can only expect it to get worse. Judging by the current changes that are aimed at cancelling the return game (who else is sick of this parade of touch-backs), sacks, and any semblance of pass-defense, what is satire today will probably become reality tomorrow.

Shalit Family Flees Israel Ahead of Upcoming Wave of Terrorism

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 08:23:00 +0000

ISL - Jeruslaem, 19 October, 2011 - Citing safety concerns, the Shalit family, noted for starring in the Gilad Shalit Reality Show for the past five years, has announced its intention to leave Israel in the immediate future and settle in what they termed "a less hazardous country".
A spokesman for the family confronted reporters in Tel Aviv today and explained that the release of hundreds of known and experienced murderers has made Israel an exceptionally unsafe place to live in: "Although the Shalit family appreciates the gesture made by the Israeli government, the release of so many hardened terrorists makes living in Israel an extremely frightening prospect. The Shalit family has already suffered enough and does not wish to lose a family member in a bus bombing or perhaps have Gilad Shalit maimed for life by a terrorist attack," the spokesman explained. "That said, the Shalit family wishes the people of Israel the best of luck and has already created a website for devoted fans of the Gilad Shalit Reality Show, who will be able to enjoy reruns of the show at www.happytodieforgilad.com"

Sigh. If life was fair, the people that campaigned for his release, and especially the media personnel, would volunteer to be killed and maimed in the inevitable terror attacks. As it is, we will just have to wait and see who draws the short stick in this sick, Israeli version of Russian roulette.

A century ago, Joseph Trumpeldor famously said: "Never mind, it is good to die for our country."
Today we can shamefully say: "Never mind, it is good to die for Gilad Shalit."

The magnitude of this inversion of values is astounding, isn't it?

As Gilad Shalit Reality Show Nears End, Israel Prepares for Next Kidnapping, Murders

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 09:56:00 +0000

ISL - Jerusalem, 18 October, 2011 - After an extremely successful five year run, the Gilad Shalit Reality Show will reach its conclusion in the coming days. The popular reality show saw thousands of people marching for Gilad, signing petitions, and begging for his release, while hundreds of thousands more watched the unfolding drama on their TV sets every evening. Director of the show, Marvin Hammersfield, said that ratings were consistently high and that the show would have continued except for fatigue experienced by the family: "Every reality show has to end sometime," said the director. "We thank the Shalit family and the Israeli public for participating and following the show for all these years."
Fans of the popular reality show have reluctantly accepted the fact that their favorite series is concluding. For instance, in a televised interview, Aviva Cohen from Ramat Gan, said: "This is very sad. I loved Gilad and the show; life just won't be the same without him." In a poll released yesterday, 76% of Israelis said that they would like to see Shalit star in a new show: "He's a great actor and an outstanding person and he has natural charisma," said Yaron Sneh from Haifa, " I think he can be the next Leor Miller." Many thousands are expected to welcome Gilad Shalit home in the final episode of the show, which will air this evening.

In an interesting twist, the producers of the show, which include Israel's leading media conglomerates, have managed to stage a so-called prisoner swap, in which Gilad Shalit will be exchanged for a thousand prisoners, including hundreds of murderers. Critics have blasted the finale as being ridiculously artificial even for a reality show. "There are limits to what the Israeli public will believe and accept," said TV critic Moshe Yahalom, "Even Israelis would not believe that the government would make such a stupid decision." However, the production company defended the decision, saying that the Israeli public has accepted and embraced even more patently false reality shows such as the Oslo Accords, The Disengagement, The Rabin Assassination and more. "There is no reason not to assume that the public will not accept and even enjoy the prisoner swap," said producer Marvin Hammersfield. "With any kind of luck, some or even many of the prisoners will resume their activities - perhaps we will have another kidnapping, or a series of bus bombings like in the nineties."
"Israelis love a good bombing campaign," concluded the producer optimistically. "Nothing gets ratings like a good suicide-bombing campaign and the inevitable funerals, soul-searching, and mutual recriminations that follow them."

Amusing Ourselves to Death indeed. Personally, I wish to have no part in this sick drama. I am an old-fashioned kind of guy: I can face reality without the help of a production company that spends most of its time explaining to the Israeli public why it has to die.
Anyway, I wish everyone a Happy Gilad Shalit Day, and may you and your loved ones never pay the bloody price for this frivolous act of self-indulgence.

Palestinian Archaeologist Says King David was Muslim

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 07:03:00 +0000

Dr, Basam Kizbawi, a Palestinian archaeologist, historian, and pokemon collector from Bir Zeit University in the West Bank caused a sensation yesterday after publishing an article that claimed, among other things, that King David was a Muslim. Intrepid ISL reporter, Joel Shmattes, risked life and limb to interview the new rising star of Palestinian academia:

Shmattes: First, perhaps you can tell our readers about your background.
Kizbawi: Certainly. I was born in Egypt, the eldest brother in a family of four and...
Shmattes: But you are Palestinian, of course.
Kizbawi: Of course, every Muslim is a Palestenian, and every Palestenian is a Muslim.
Shmattes: I mean, your parents or grandparents were exiled from Palestine and you were forced to live in a refugee camp in Egypt.
Kizbawi: Not at all - my family is Egyptian.
Shmattes: Then why have you moved to Ramallah and taken up the Palestinian cause?
Kizbawi: I always wanted to study history and I then received a grant from the Palestinian Authority. As everyone knows, nothing is more important for the Palestinian people than education. After all, the first university in the world was established by King David, the Palestinian King of Jerusalem, over three thousand years ago. He built a great mosque and many academies for the arts and sciences on the Holy Temple Mount of Palestinian Education. Of course, it was almost completely destroyed in the year 845 BC, when the Jewish king of Babylon, Yossi Sennacherib overcame the Palestinian army, led by Muhammad LionHeart. All that remained is one wall, known to all Palestinans as "The Wall of Knowledge". Of course, the lying Jews stole from us our Wall and made it their own. Due to their effective propaganda machine and complete control of the media for the past 2500 years, it is now known as "the Wailing Wall". But hopefully, as more studies like mine come to light, we will be able to recover our heritage, and we will be able to set the record straight. In any case, all the knowledge that the Palestinians gave the world was then lost and the world slid into many centuries of barbarism. But fortunately, the Palestinians never gave up their mission to improve the world through learning. That is why great Palestinian thinkers, such as Ahmad el-Plato and Abu-Aristotle, who lived in exile in Greece, wrote many excellent philosophy books that are studied and cherished to this day by the entire world.
Shmattes: I must say that I am astounded.
Kizbawi: I know - you are amazed because this is the first time you are hearing about the true, great history of the Palestinian people.
Shmattes: No, I am amazed because this is the first time I am hearing such an outrageous pile of crap in my entire life. Where the hell did you study this so-called history?
Kizbawi: I am highly insulted by your bad manners. I will have you know that I purchased the best education money can buy - we Palestinians spare no expense when it comes to education!
Shmattes: Didn't you just say you were Egyptian? But never mind that - tell me, where did you actually study?
Kizbawi: I received my degree from the London School of Economics. It was highly recommended by Saif Al-Islam, Ghaddafi's son.
Shmattes: Did you also "donate" 1.5 million dollars to your professor...?
Kizbawi: Actually, he demanded 3 million dollars. We settled for 2.5 million. It is true what they say: education is very expensive these days!
Shmattes: No doubt you did not write your thesis either, did you?
Kizbawi: Who has time for such things? I mean, after all, did you build the house you live in? Did you grow the food you eat or make the clothes you are wearing? Of course not! You would rightly say that it is a waste of time. A thesis takes many years to complete - you are not seriously suggesting that I waste who knows how many years of my life writing a stupid paper for a stupid university when I can have someone do it for me in a month or two? The university gave me an excellent ghostwriter, by the way, so that wasn't a problem.
Shmattes: But didn't you say that the Palestinians cherish learning?
Kizbawi: I did and it is true. After all, the Palestinian people invested 2.5 million dollars in my education - which is probably much more than you invested in your own education.
Shmattes: You know, the phrase "to purchase an education" is not meant literally.You are supposed to actually study and learn and gain knowledge. Personally, I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
Kizbawi: You are being absurd. I would be ashamed if I hadn't taken the opportunity to get out of the rat hole that is Egypt and make an excellent living writing history for my people. So, while you were wasting your time being ridiculously serious about writing a thesis that no one will ever read or care about, I already published numerous articles and a book, and I am considered an expert - a very well-paid expert, I might add - in Palestinian history.
Shmattes: Which is entirely fake.
Kizbawi: Well, isn't all history fake? And if that's the case, it might as well be Palestinian history.
Shmattes: And someone has to write it.
Kizbawi: Exactly.

I wish I was kidding, but Palestinian depravity really knows no bounds. If you are interested in learning more about the numerous ways in which the Palestinians are trying to rewrite history, and you are interested or amused by badly written fiction, check out this review by the Palestinian Media Watch.

Shana Tova

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 08:54:00 +0000

The Jewish new year is upon us so I would like to take the opportunity to wish my readers a happy new year. May you and yours enjoy a year of health and bounty, spiritual as well as material.

I would also like to share with you a few things I learned this year:

1 - There exists a surprisingly large number of people that believe that genocide is a favorable solution to political problems, as long as these problems involve Jews. In the West these people are called "liberals". I guess that's because they want to liberate the world from Jews. In the Middle-East we just call them "Arab-Muslims".

2 - Bibi Netanyahu can give one hell of a speech, but he is still a wimp and he is married to Sarah, a perfect combination of wickedness and stupidity.

3a - Being Jewish means being a symbol - a symbol of God's existence and a symbol of God's morality. The establishment and existence of Israel, which is quite a miracle, is a symbol of divine intervention in our world. Every Jew is such a symbol, whether he want's it or not, whether he acknowledges it or not.

3b- The world is divided into those that acknowledge God's existence and morality and those that oppose it. These two forces are embodied by the Jewish culture that embraces life, and Palestinian-Arab-Muslim culture that embraces death.

4- These simple truths are terrible to acknowledge. I know it took me many, many years to admit this.

5 - Making jokes about death and laughing about the precarious position of Jews in the world is an age-old Jewish tradition. Here a few examples taken from the "Great Book of Jewish Humor", edited by Prof. Adir Cohen. It's in Hebrew but highly recommended if you speak the language or know someone who does. You can buy it In Israel at this link.

- A woman is grieving for her lost little one. "Yossel'eh," she cries out in pain and sorrow. "When you go to heaven, be an emissary for us and pray for all of us down here."
Her husband heard this and said: "On such an important mission you send a little boy? Why don't you go there yourself...?"

- An old woodsman was carrying on his shoulder a large bundle of firewood when suddenly the heavy burden overcame him and he collapsed to the ground in a daze. Immediately he began crying out for the angel of death: "Oh Death, I beg of you to please come quickly and release me from this terrible life."
No sooner had he finished his wish and the Angel of Death was right there by his side. "Did you call for me?" said the Angel with a terrible grin.
Awestruck and terribly frightened, the old man began to stammer: "Ummm, errr, ehhhh, yeeees...you see, perhaps in your kindness, you can help me lift this bundle of wood and put it on my back?"

The book also has an entire, large section devoted to jokes about Nazi Germany:

- A Nazi inspector is making his rounds in a school in Germany and he asks one of the children: "Who is your father?"
"Adolf Hitler," the boy dutifully answers.
"And who is your mother?" the inspector asks
"Nazi Germany"
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?
"An orphan!"

- A Nazi woman enters a butcher shop in Berlin. She looks around suspiciously and then asks: "Is this a pure, German, butcher shop or a filthy Jewish one?"
"My dear lady," said the butcher, "How can you even think of such a thing? Of course this is a pure, German butcher shop - only pigs come to buy here!"

- Three Brownshirts waited for Mr. Zilberstien to close his shop and then they jumped him, beat him with great vigor, and humiliated him. After they were finished they asked the poor man: "So, who was responsible for Germany's defeat in World War I?"
"The Jews and the popcorn-sellers," the poor man replied.
"What do the popcorn-sellers have to do with it?" the Brownshirts asked.
"Well, what do the Jews have to do with it?" was the reply.

-Hitler had a chance to send a direct request to God. He wrote: "Dear God, please turn every German into a wise, honest Nazi.
After several days the reply came: "Your request cannot be granted for the following reasons: An honest, German Nazi cannot be wise; a wise, Nazi German cannot be honest; and a wise and honest German cannot be a Nazi."

Sadly, this joke can apply perfectly well today, with a slight change of names. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...

I didn't have the time this year to write a special post for the holiday, but if you haven't read it yet, and Jewish mothers being what they are - a constant thorn (and occasional source of comfort) in our lives - then you may enjoy reading this holiday post. It was written about the Passover trauma, but I think it applies equally well to Rosh Hashana and basically, any large, dysfunctional family gathering.

Finally, once again, to all the wise and honest people: happy new year and thanks for reading!

Illegal Dog Feces Found in Petah Tikva; Police Say Arrest Imminent

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 13:57:00 +0000

ISL - September 21, Petah Tikvah - Two fresh, medium-sized pieces of abandoned dog feces were discovered yesterday evening by a Petah Tikvah citizen on a sidewalk on Herzl Avenue. Avi Cohen, a 55 year-old dentist and his wife Clara, a teacher, were out taking a walk in their neighborhood when Clara felt that dreaded, sinking sensation. When she looked down she observed that she had, indeed, "stepped in it". "Of course," said Clara, "There was no question of continuing our walk. Our entire evening stroll was irrevocably ruined."

No doubt, in time the Cohen's will recover from their trauma and perhaps, eventually, they will be able to resume their normal routine and once again go out on their evening strolls. But the question asked by Petah Tikvah residents everywhere today is: who is responsible for this new case of "felonious feces"- the second in as many weeks - and what are the local security forces doing about it?

A spokesman for the Petah Tikvah Police Special Shit Squad (motto: "no shit!") said that a team of expert canine detectives have been assigned to the case after initial feces DNA testing has turned up negative. "There is a rogue dog-owner out there who is shitting on the city of Petah Tikvah," said the spokesman. "The Special Shit Squad will not rest until this piece of human crap is arrested and put behind bars." The spokesman also said that undercover detectives and regular police have been instructed to increase their vigilance in the afflicted areas, and the residents have been advised to be on the alert for illegal feces. "The best advice that I can give right now to the harrowed residents of Petah Tikvah is not to go out after dark and to walk with extreme caution."

Is dog shit really such a big problem in Petah Tikva that they have to create a canine DNA data bank? Doesn't anyone think that's just a bit extreme? On the other hand, I'm glad that despite the eternally strenuous"matzav", people still have time for shit like this. Really.

Elves Accused of Human Rights Violations in Skirmish with Orcs

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 13:44:00 +0000

(If the LOTR were translated into the Palestinian version of reality):

Minas Tirith, January 30, 3018 - New Gondor Times - The Human Rights Watchers, a Gondor-based, international NGO that monitors human rights in Middle Earth, has accused the Elves of Lothlórien of violating the human rights of Orcs in a border skirmish that occurred between the two peoples ten days ago. Orc survivors interviewed by the commission said that a large company of Elves ambushed their group, killing hundreds of defenseless Orcs, including unarmed Orc women and children.
"It was a horrific massacre", said Briznaksh, one of the survivors. "We were out on a picnic, trying to get a breath of fresh air and a change of atmosphere from the dark, stuffy caves of the Misty Mountains, where we are forced to live after the Elves took from us our beautiful Lothlórien," Briznaksh said with tears in his eyes. "Everybody was having a great time and we were just about to return home when the Elves waylaid us. Arrows were flying everywhere and Orcs were screaming and then they came with their long knifes."

According to witnesses, the Elves slayed entire families and mutilated the corpses, cutting off the ears and noses of the victims, some of whom were still alive. "Children and women were raped mercilessly and repeatedly by the Elves," said Briznaksh, who watched the entire grisly scene from his hiding place two hundred feet below ground, in the 51st level of Moria, paralyzed with fear.
As is well-known, Orcs have been living in terror from the Elves ever since the High Elves conquered beautiful Lothlórien and expelled them, turning hundreds of thousand of Orcs into miserable refugees hiding in dark caves, fearful of the light of day.

Elbeth Danorell, spokesman for Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn, the leaders of occupied Lothlórien, denied the charges and claimed that the Orcs crossed the border into Elvish territory heavily armed and were repelled. However, Drabnor Jardosh the national director of the Human Rights Watchers, said that the commission received reports from numerous Orc eyewitnesses, detailing the atrocities committed by the Elves and that it is now considering filing a formal complaint to the Human Rights Commission of the United People of Middle Earth. The commission is currently chaired by the representative of Mordor, the Lord of the Nazgûl and former witch-king of Angmar, and it is composed of goblins, orcs, and trolls.

Wikileaks: NIF department head says "Holocaust No Tragedy"

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 18:28:00 +0000

ISL - Tel Aviv, Septmeber 2011 - In a confidential discussion with the American ambassador, head of the Next Six Million Project at the No Israel Fund (NIF), Sarah Reichman, said that the Jewish people "Over-reacted to the Holocaust" adding that "In another hundred years the Jews will come to realize that the Holocaust was no big deal; it wasn't the tragedy they though it was." These words, revealed in a US State Department cable, have caused an uproar in Israel, where many people still hold the unpopular belief that the systematic murder of six million Jews is, actually, quite the big deal.
Current director of the No Israel Fund, Hannah Strassburg, clarified that the NIF completely disassociates itself from these remarks, stating that Reichman is no longer employed by the NIF and has moved on to work directly with the Hamas. She also emphasized that in her opinion the Holocaust is definitely a tragedy: "There is no doubt in my mind that the Holocaust is a tragedy," said the Director. "About three hundred thousand Jews survived due to negligence and sloppiness on the part of Hitler's regime, and many of them ended up in Israel, which is a tragedy in and of itself." Strassburg said that she hopes to avoid Hitler's mistakes by taking a slower but more thorough approach to the issue, "Hopefully, a hundred years from now, we will live in a better world, in which the terrible mistakes of the Holocaust will have been corrected."

Kidding aside, these people are really putting their money where their hatred is.

Sweden to Invest Millions in Combating Western Extremism

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 05:17:00 +0000

ISL - Stockholm, September 11, 2011 - Ten years after the dreadful attack on the United States, Sweden has learnt its lesson: "We will never forget that terrible day," said Swedish Prime Minister, Fredrik Reinfeldt, at a poignant tribute to the 19 Muslim hijackers who were killed on that memorable day. "It is a lesson for all European countries that we must commit ourselves to combat the extremists within us."
To that end, the Swedish government has allocated fifty million dollars to a new program that will combat Western extremism in Sweden by educating the Swedish population about the benefits of living in an Islamic country ruled by Sharia. "The program is modeled on the sort of peaceful coexistence that has been achieved at Malmo," said Prime Minister Farid Reinfeldt, who hopes to oversee an uneventful transference of power to the handful of insanely violent Islamic Jihadis who have immigrated to the country and are unwilling to compromise on their ideal of reverting the entire world back to the Dark Ages. "Coexistence and tolerance of the 'Other' are not always easy," the Swedish Emir admitted, "and the price may seem high to some people, but the alternative would be to forgo our principles of tolerance and mutli-culturalism and actually fight for the survival of our nation and its people, and really, who has the strength to do that? National suicide is easier and we will do our best to make it painless," promised Farid Ranya, the Swedish Emir.

ISL Film Review: Mutiny on the Mavi Marmara

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 04:21:00 +0000

ISL - Istanbullywood- Mutiny on the Mavi Marmara is a new, uplifting moral drama, directed by well-known impressario, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, author of the previous smash hits: Don't Cry For Me Kurdistan, Invasion of the Island Snatchers, and Where Oh Where Did All the Armenians Go? This new production tells the story of 35 courageous international activists, who are trying to smuggle supplies to a genocidal regime that lacks nothing except advanced weaponry with which to implement its murderous plans. In a revolt against all human decency and any sense of morality, the activists masquerade as innocent passengers. Suspense builds as army forces try to peacefully board the suspicious ship only to be treacherously attacked by the passengers, who thus complete their mutiny against Western values, mankind, and God. New York Times critic, Edgar Pennington, called the movie "a beautiful vision of a better, simpler world, untroubled by morality". Coming soon to a terrorist base near you.

See also a previous post about Turkey's moronic PM, and Dry Bones also has something to say about this matter.

"The Joy of Lying" - New Book Explains Pathological Lying in Palestinian Society

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 05:34:00 +0000

Following another complete and utter destruction of false Palestinian claims concerning, this time, Israel's responsibility for the lack of water in the Palestinian Authority, our attention has been directed once again to the amazing phenomenon of lying in Palestine society. Many civilized people have wondered at the Palestinian talent for telling the most outrageous lies with a completely straight face, but until now no convincing explanation has been forthcoming for this extraordinary phenomenon. But now, others in Palestinan society are beginning to awaken to this problem, and finally some answers may be provided. ISL spoke to a pioneer in the field of lying research, Dr. Faisal Tamimi, author of the book "The Joy of Lying: Why Palestinians Lie From the Cradle to the Grave":

ISL: First, thank you for agreeing to talk to us, despite all the tensions and violence.
Dr. Tamimi: You are welcome. I always was a big believer in peace with the Jews.
ISL: Really?
Dr. Tamimi: Of course not. Do you think I want to get myself killed?
ISL: I get it - you were lying!
Dr. Tamimi: Exactly! The first principle in dealing with Palestinians is to assume that we are lying.
ISL: I'm sorry, but aren't you being a bit too hard on your own people? Surely some people say the truth some of the time?
Dr. Tamimi: In my research, I have discovered that this is not so. We lie all the time.
ISL: But why? And how can a society possibly conduct itself in this manner?
Dr. Tamimi: Have you heard of the story of The Boy Who Tried to Tell the Truth?
ISL: No, never heard of such a thing.
Dr. Tamimi: This is a well-known Palestinian fable. Every child grows up on it. Basically, it is the story of Ahmad, a poor boy who lived in a village near Jerusalem. One day, he said to his mother "Mother, I do not want to kill Jews. I do not want to kill anybody." His mother cried and beat her chest and tore her hair, because she is a good Palestinian. She gave Ahmad a terrible beating, and then she locked him in a cupboard for three days without food or water.
ISL: Dear me! Isn't that a little harsh? After all, he was a small child.
Dr. Tamimi: Yes, but life is hard and the sooner children learn this lesson the better. Anyway, after three days his father released him, but Ahmad was a very stubborn child and he still insisted that he would not kill anybody, not for his religion, or his people, or even his family. This was a terrible insult of course, so his father did the only thing possible.
ISL: He talked to his son and tried to understand his point of view?
Dr. Tamimi: No, he sodomized him. Of course, this was for the child's own benefit.
ISL: Of course...
Dr. Tamimi: But this Ahmad was a perverse boy, a spawn of the devil. Iblis himself mated with a hoary Jewish witch to produce this vile mutation. So, even though he had been beaten and and starved and sodomized repeatedly - he still refused to say that he would kill other people. Finally, his parents had no choice. They strapped an explosive belt on him and dropped him off at the Shoefat checkpoint. When he was approached by Israeli soldiers, his father blew him up, and two Israeli soldiers were killed. So as you can see, the story has a happy ending.
ISL: But that's terrible. What kind of parent kills his own child?
Dr. Tamimi: My friend, you are missing the point.
ISL: Which is...
Dr. Tamimi: That the Western custom of telling the truth is not acceptable to us.
ISL: No, seriously, when you talk to one another, how do you know when you are telling the truth?
Dr. Tamimi: Who knows what is the truth?
ISL: The truth is the exact opposite of a lie. I don't understand...
Dr. Tamimi: There, you said it yourself!
ISL: I did?
Dr. Tamimi: Yes! truth and lies are the opposite, and everyone knows that opposites are actually the same. So, there is really no difference between telling the truth and lying.We reject this false Western dichotomy. Every truth is a lie, and every lie is the truth.
ISL: But, if that is true, then how do I know if even what you are saying right now is the truth?
Dr. Tamimi: Are you deaf? Of course it isn't the truth.
ISL: So you were lying?
Dr. Tamimi: Allah! Were you even listening to what I have been saying? God, you Jews are stupid! Forget about truth and lies. There is no such thing.
ISL: There isn't?
Dr. Tamimi: There isn't.
ISL: But..but..but...
Dr. Tamimi: But what?
ISL: But, how do you know what to believe in, how do you form an opinion, how do you conduct scientific research, how do you know who to love and marry? For all these things you have to know the truth - the truth about nature, about your feelings, about how others feel and think.
Dr. Tamimi: We live a simpler life. Marriages are arranged - what does love have to do with it? We don't do scientific research so that's not a problem, and for the rest, when your very life and your livelihood depends on what to think and what to say, what does the truth matter?
ISL: So you just say what you are expected to say; believe in what everyone else believes in?
Dr. Tamimi: If you want to live and perhaps thrive, then yes, that's what you do. The truth, as you call it, is a function of power, of the will to kill.
ISL: That's terrible. How can you live like that, in such an atmosphere of fear and terror?
Dr. Tamimi: Actually, it really is terrible. That is why I live in the United States and not in Palestine.
ISL: Seriously? If so, then how did you conduct the research for your book?
Dr. Tamimi: I didn't. I made it all up.
ISL: You did?
Dr. Tamimi: Of course. What did you expect? I am a Palestinian...
ISL: (Whimpers helplessly)

Yes, this is what we are dealing with. This never was a "War against Terror", which is a terrible idea anyway (can you imagine Reagan declaring a "War against Spies" to end the Cold War? We would all be slaving away in dirt-poor communes by now) - it is a War for Truth.

The Israeli philosopher of science Zeev Bechler calls this post-modern phenomenon "Brutalism", meaning that when the moral power of truth is abolished, brute force carries the day (English synopsis of his amazing book is offered by the author here and a shorter review is here). And guess who has no qualms and no moral inhibitions whatsoever about using brute force to achieve their goals? Liberals, leftists, and Islamists.
As a small nation, we will never be able to coerce the world into siding with us. The only thing that we can do is to tell the truth over and over and over again and become, at at the very least, a rallying point for a moral majority, a beacon of light in the world's darkness. That is our role. Always has been, perhaps it always will be.

Shabbat Shalom!

Crisis Looms in Middle East as Erdogan Refuses to Pick Up Room

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 06:59:00 +0000

ISL - Istanbul, September 12, 2011 - In another grave international incident, Prime Minister of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, refused yesterday evening to pick up his room. This follows several previous "accidents" in which Erdogan peed in his bed, although the plastic sheets had been removed days ago and he had promised to get up whenever he felt like doing number 1. Erdogan's nannies, US President Barak Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu expressed their dismay and utter disappointment with the Turkish prime minister. Netanyahu said: "I thought we were already over this stage and headed towards a more mature level of behavior. I love the Turkish people but I am very disappointed with Erdogan."
In a phone consultation conducted last night, Obama and Bibbi decided to send Erdogan to sleep early without reading him his usual bed time story. "Bed times stories are for good prime ministers, not for bad boys," Obama explained.

This is what happens when you give guns, missiles, and fighter planes to five year old children dressed in Armani suits.

California to Outlaw Dogs Chasing Cats

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 06:44:00 +0000

ISL - Sacramento - 24 April, 2015 - The California legislature is moving to pass a bill that will outlaw dogs chasing cats. The bill is a first step in what many hope will be an end to hundreds of years of needless strife between cats and dogs. Rep. Franklin Omgido (Dem.), who graduated summa cum laude from San Fernando Elementary School and also holds a degree in Advanced Surfing, said that the bill contains provisions for psychological counseling for dogs aimed at convincing them that their hostile attitude to cats is unreasonable, undemocratic, and non-inclusive. "Cats have been chased by dogs for hundreds, perhaps even thousand of years.This madness has to stop!" Rep. Omgido said to an enthusiastic crowd of thousands of cats and a smaller contingent of pacifist dogs, mostly poodles and chihuahuas. The bill, which will cost taxpayers five hundred million dollars over the next ten years, calls for training thousands of animal psychologists and mediators and setting up hundreds of 24 hour Crisis and Counseling Centers for beleaguered cats and embattled dogs throughout the state. Proponents of the bill claim that it will create hundreds of new jobs and will invigorate the economy, but opponents argue that the people of California would be better served by trying to restore electricity to the state, which was cut off due to lack of maintenance and a five trillion dollar debt two years ago.

It seems that California is doing its best to promote Idiocracy in the United States. The legislature already has trouble with math and morals, and now they are going after the babysitters!? Mickey Mouse and Pluto could do a better job than this...Israel is not an easy place to live in, but at least the inmates aren't running the asylum, yet...
Hat tip to Ace of Spades, which has a few more pieces of such legislation here.

Sources in Rohan: Aragorn Return May Harm Peace Talks Between Gondor and Mordor

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 13:01:00 +0000

Edoras, February 13, 3018 - Unnamed sources in Edoras, where the third round of peace talks between Gondor and Mordor are being held, disclosed yesterday that rumors of the return of the King of Gondor have had an unsettling effect on the discussions. "The return of the king threatens the stability of the current regime and makes it less likely to achieve an agreement, since the representatives of Mordor fear that a different regime may not honor previous agreements," sources said.
Another concern raised in political circles in Rohan was the possibility that the return of the king may fan the flames of nationalist sentiment among the Gondor populace and renew their hopes of victory. "A change in public opinion will almost certainly prevent the peaceful disengagement of Gondor troops from Ithilien," sources close to the peace talks said, emphasizing that this matter had already been considered by many "a done deal".

"Peace or Else", a Gondor-based NGO that advocates a peaceful resolution to the conflict with Mordor, issued a statement saying that "Gondor does not need a war-mongering king. If the king really cares about Gondor then he should stay in the North and let the talks reach their peaceful conclusion."
The peace talks were initiated and are being held under the auspices of Grima Wormtongue, chief counselor to Theoden, King of Rohan.
Aragorn, the supposed heir of Elendil, was unavailable for comment.

I was re-reading the LOTR lately, and I wondered how the War of the Ring would have looked like if Gondor had to deal with all the post-modern, liberal crap that Israel and the West have to deal with today. This is my first attempt at describing such a world, and the implications seem quite grim.

I admit that I truly long for the days when most people knew the difference between right and wrong and were not afraid to say it and stand for it. But then again, maybe there never were such days; maybe they always existed only in fairy tales.

Muslims Accept Challenge of 24 Hour Ban on Murder

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 10:02:00 +0000

ISL- New York, 31 August, 2011 - Muslim leaders announced yesterday their acceptance of a challenge issued by US President Balak Obama to refrain from killing other people for a whole 24 hours, beginning September 7. The challenge came after the publication of a decisive report by the White House counter-terrorism task force, which found that people rumored to be associated with Islam may be tangentially implicated in the recent, decades old rise in global mayhem and murder. Obama said that the challenge was issued in consideration of the feelings of Muslims around the world, who may be offended even by the smallest hint of negativity raised in the report, and also in order to remove any doubt regarding the true nature of Islam: "If Muslims can stop killing other people for 24 hours, I believe that will prove once and for all that there is no connection between the religion of peace and terrorism," said the President.

Muslim leaders around the world embraced the report, which describes the thousands of acts of terrorism by Islamists as being committed by mentally -ill, criminal, and misguided Muslims. "We have a lot of crazy and misguided people in our country," Iranian President Ahmadenijad admitted sheepishly, "But we are doing our best to find them and re-educate them in the true essence of Islam, for instance by stoning and whipping." President Ahmadenijad also said that though his country accepts the challenge and will do its best to comply, success is doubtful, "Since there are many fanatical, fringe groups that are not under our control, such as: Hizbullah, Al-Kaeda, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Hizbu-Tahrir, Jundulaah, Jamiat-e Islamiya, Mujahedin-e Khalq, Takfir wal-Hijra, Palestine Liberation Front, Jamiat ul-Ansar, Jaish-e-Mohammed, Islamic Jihad Union, Hizbul Mujahideen and so on...

The Head of the "Let's Not Murder People for One Day Contest", Professor John Esposito, said that allowances will be made for the difficulties Islamic societies have in restraining their numerous lunatic fringes, and therefore, "The winner will be the country whose citizens kill the least people in the name of Islam in the designated 24 hour period."
First prize will be ten pounds of uranium and a nuclear reactor, courtesy of the American Counter-Terrorism Task-Force, which will be provided "as a confidence-building measure."

As it happens, I encountered yesterday a website called the Religion of Peace, which methodically tracks all the attacks conducted by Muslims in the name of Islam. The numbers are simply astounding - about once an hour someone in the world is killed in the name of Islam. In the month of Ramadan alone, nearly 800 people were killed. Fortunately, the leaders of the West are completely aware of this terrible danger and are doing their best to stop it.
Just kidding. Sigh.

Update: one hour after I posted this, news of another massacre by Muslims came in, this time in Russia. 9 people were killed. This comes on the Muslim holiday, Eid El-Fitr. What were they celebrating?

Introducing: The Encyclopedia of Jew-Hating

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 13:48:00 +0000

Although for many long centuries the basic tenets of Jew-Hating have been known to many peoples in the West and in Islamic countries, they have typically been passed from father to son in a beautiful, heart-warming oral tradition and not in a systematic, detailed, conscious manner. Although this method of cultural transfer has been effective, there is no doubt that at least some of the cherished anti-Semitic traditions have fallen on the wayside and have been forgotten throughout the ages. In fact, it is only recently that researchers at the Israeli Satire Laboratory have taken it upon themselves to gather and organize the various pieces of knowledge, assumptions, superstitions, folk-sayings, and stories that have guided Jew-Hatred throughout the ages to such great success.

We are now proud to officially announce that these efforts have born fruit in the form of the Encyclopedia of Jew-Hating, published electronically by the Israeli Satire Laboratory Corporation. In order to familiarize the concerned anti-Semitic public with the Encyclopedia, we will periodically publish selected items from the Encyclopedia. Today we offer the public, for the first time, the definition of a Jew, an issue that has concerned many thoughtful anti-Semites, Jews, scholars, and legal practitioners throughout the ages.

Jews
Jews are a world-wide network of communists, socialists, capitalists, anarchists, liberals, leftists, fascists, democrats, republicans, war-mongerers, flower children and hippies, chauvinists, feminists, gay, lesbian, and homophobic activists, Islamist apologists and haters, Zionists and anti-Zionists, conservative, reform, orthodox, ultra-orthodox, secular, and atheist practitioners, who belong to the poor, rich, and middle classes, and who are all working together to achieve their vision of a capitalist/socialist/communist/liberal/ fascist/democratic/republican/chauvinist/feminist, gay/anti-gay/conservative/reform/orthodox/secular/atheist/Zionist/Islamic/Jewish/Christian/Anti-Zionist/poor/rich/middle class society.

The Jews unique characteristic, which separates them from all the other people in the world and in history, is that they are to blame for everything. Thus, Jews are to blame for acne, pot holes, b-movies, airplane food, root canals, obesity, drowsiness, laziness, procrastination, masturbation, and immigration. Jews are to blame for poverty, inequality, technology, premature baldness, revolutions, rebellions, and riots; every dictatorship in the world, as well as every malfunctioning democracy and welfare state; terrorism, radical Islam, Evangelical Christians, as well as faithless, tree-hugging, America-hating liberals. Jews are to blame for inflation, deflation and stagflation, the national debt, global warming and cooling (as the case may be), wars of any kind at any time, crimes of every type, shape and form; racism as well as civil rights; the Ku Klux Klan, as well as Martin Luther King. Jews are to blame for Reagan and the two Bushes as well as Carter, Obama, and Clinton (husband and wife). Jews are to blame for everything that goes wrong in your personal life including the test you failed at college, the red light you ran and got a ticket for, your divorce, the lemon you bought at the used car dealership, the failures of your favorite team (Hello Cubs!!), the promotion you never got, the sales you didn't close, the fish that got away. You name it - the Jews did it!

One may ask: how can such a vast, detailed operation be possible? How did the Jews make you stub your toe this morning on the foot of your bed? The answer is simple: The Jews are coordinated globally and throughout time by a committee of 72 immortal, celibate old men* called "The Elderly Virgins of Zion", who live in the Secret Jewish World Headquarters, which is located five hundred feet beneath the 7-11 on Dempster Street in Skokie, Illinois (Free slurpies!). With the help of their iPods and their 13 million agents on the ground, the Jews are able to manipulate each and every small detail of our lives as well as the economies, politics, and weather of the entire world, except, it seems, their own country... (For further details see definition for: Israel; forthcoming).

*This includes Peres, of course.

Letters that Sarah Netanyahu Should Have Written

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 05:46:00 +0000

A week and a half ago, the Israeli government implemented its decision to deport families of illegal immigrants. Being families, the move also included deporting children. Apparently, the sight of children being banished from their temporary homes in a foriegn country was too much for PM Netanyahu's wife, Sarah, who wrote a letter. The stupid, soppy, sentimental letter was addressed to the cold-hearted Minister of Interior, Eli Yishai, who is willing to sacrifice his public image, in order to try to preserve the Jewish character of the...Jewish state. The letter was widely publicized, and caused quite an uproar. This got us to thinking, surely there must be other letters that Sarah Netanyahu could have written. Here a few suggestions (please note the dates - some of these letters are old):

August, 2011
Dear Eli Yishai,
I understand that you are about to implement the government's decision regarding the deportation of illegal immigrants. I am sure that it pains you to deport children who have lived here for several years and consider Israel their second home, victims of their parents illegal acts and manipulations. As a psychologist, let me be the first to to tell you that I appreciate the pressure you are under from the media and other anti-Zionist organizations to let these gentiles stay and become Israeli citizens. Let me also be the first to tell you: I stand by your side in your efforts to maintain Israel's Jewish character - after all, we do have only one country to live in.
Thank you,
Sarah

Of course, such a letter would probably have landed Sarah in jail (see the recent case of Israeli Sephardi singer, Margol, who spoke against the social protests).

Let's try another letter:

July 2005
Dear Husband,
Today you voted in favor of the Disengagement. You did this even though you know for a fact that the cost to Israel, in economic, spiritual, and security terms is immeasurable. You voted in favor even though the Disengagement represents everything you have ever opposed: it is a cruel, anti-Zionist, anti-Semitic act, committed by a Prime Minister trying at all costs to avoid a criminal trial. It is by all counts, a terrible decision, which, as you have said many times, we will all live to regret. Still, you voted in favor. Why?
Because you are a coward. Because you are a liar. Because you are a hypocrite. Because you hold no principles more dear than tomorrow's headlines.
Living with you is like living on a sea of shifting moral quicksand; I never know when a pit of immorality will open up and swallow me.
Therefore I am leaving you to your miserable, petty, political calculations and to your public image, whom you love more than your wife, your children, and your people - the people of Israel.
Bibi, you disgust me.
Goodbye,
Sarah

And another:

August 2005
Dear Ariel ,
I turn to you as a mother of two young sons and a psychologist in the public service. From the depths of my heart, I beg you to reconsider the inhuman decision you have taken and allow the 3000 children in Gush Katif to remain in their own homes, in their own country. Who knows better than me the trauma of uprooting an entire family from their own homes, by their own brethren. The psychological damage cannot be imagined and may take generations to repair. Israel must find a solution for these children and their families - their expulsion is an unconscionable act, unworthy of your legacy as a savior of Israel.
Yours,
Sarah

And finally, this is what happens when you don't do the right thing - one day you wake up and you just can't stand yourself anymore:

Dear friends and family,
Today I woke up and looked in the mirror and suddenly I realized that I am nothing more than a stupid cow. I know that I am a fool, a dunce, a woman of weak character and immoral disposition. For years I have been nothing but a burden on my husband's career, shaming him with my ridiculous and extravagant desires and escapades.
Dear friends and family, words cannot express how ashamed I am for behaving in such an inconsiderate, self-indulgent manner. I am a worthless human being and therefore I have to decided to do the only worthy thing left to me - I am going to kill myself and rid the world of at least one useful idiot.
Goodbye friends and family. To tell the truth, I really did not care that much about any of you.
Sarah

In conclusion, dear reader, next time you choose a prime minister (or president) do us all a favor - take a good, long, hard look at his wife. If she is a weak-minded idiot, then her husband probably is too.

Netanyahu: Palestinians are not our enemies, only the terrorists are

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 04:39:00 +0000

In a first reaction to the fatal terrorist attacks on Jews near Eilat and the renewal of missile attacks on Israel's South, Netanyahu clarified that Israel will retaliate harshly against the terrorists who conducted the attacks and their leaders, but not against the Palestinians, who are not Israel's enemies.

"The people who chose the anti-Semitic, genocidal Hamas government are not our enemies," Netanyahu said. "After all, is it the voters' fault that Hamas now controls the government and is fulfilling its campaign promises to kill all the Jews and destroy Israel?" Netanyahu asked rhetorically. "Of course not! Obviously, the Palestinian civilians who feed, train, educate, arm, applaud, encourage, and harbor and abet the terrorists, are not our enemies," Netanyahu said and added: "Come to think of it, Israel does not have enemies – after all, the Iranians are not our enemies, and neither are the Egyptians or Syrians."

"At most," Netanyahu said, "There a few dozen terrorists who are our enemies, and we will try to find them and kill them, but only if they are nowhere near any Palestinians, who are our friends."

Netanyah also reminded the Press that since Israel has no enemies, and, as Rabin memorably said, "You can only make peace with your enemies", the never ending efforts to make peace between Israel and its neighbors are futile: "No wonder all the efforts to make peace have failed," Netanyahu said, "We're already friends!"

Whew. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that Israel does not have any enemies. Now I can sleep well at night, safe in the knowledge that the security and future of our nation is in such good hands. I hope you do too...

Everyday is Holocaust Day in the P.A.

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 10:41:00 +0000

ISL - Ramallah
President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, announced a new Holocaust Day to commemorate the memory of the thirty two terrorists which were killed in yesterday's Holocaust. This most recent Holocaust was perpetrated by Israeli forces operating in Gaza in an attempt to stop the murder of Israeli civilians.

Abbas eulogized the dead terrorists, mentioning some of them by name and praising their accomplishments. The Palestinian President dwelled upon the tragic fate of Ahmad, the fifteen year-old son of arch-terrorist Mahmoud Zahar:
"Ahmad was a fine young terrorist, beloved by all who knew him, always the life of the party or the terrorist operation, as the case may be. Oh Ahmad, whose life was nipped in the bud before he ever had the chance to live it to the fullest," lamented the President, "It was only lately that you started launching rockets at Israeli towns, a short-lived pleasure that was taken away all too soon.
"Ahmad dedicated his life to the people," said Abbas,

"He could assemble a rifle in the dark in 20 seconds and he was a trained sharpshooter, able to hit an Israeli soldier or a kibbutz volunteer in the head at 300 meters, a feat he preformed, unfortunately, only once – such talent is rare and will be missed by all of us, as will be missed his contagious enthusiasm for killing Jews – even when others would waver or tire from the incessant murder of innocents, always the young, optimistic Ahmad would be there at their side, lifting the people's spirits or else threatening to kill their families and rape their sisters if they lose the faith – that was the kind of young man he was, ever the role model, always living up to the great expectations of his father and his people. The tireless, bright young man had a brilliant future ahead of him – who knows how many Jews he could have killed? With his talent and breeding and dedication – perhaps thousands. But, alas, we will never know.

"Also, Ahmad never got the chance to feel the pleasure of killing a Jew with his own hands and sadly, now he never will. We mourn you today because you were like a son to all of us," said Abbas, crying, "A prodigal son, full of promises yet to be broken, heinous crimes un- committed, unspeakable sins that will remain undone forever after. Standing here, in the shadow of your unfulfilled destiny, we pray for your body that it may enjoy an eternity of shagging virgins, and as to your soul, praise be to Allah who, in His wisdom, never gave you one. Amen."

The new Holocaust Day will be added to the previous ones, making a total of twenty nine Holocaust Days, each one marking a separate Holocaust suffered by the Palestinian people such as the Holocaust of Jenin in which dozens of terrorists were killed by Israel, or the Holocaust of Bargouti who is still rotting in the Israeli jail and of course the greatest Holocaust of them all, the 1947 "Nakba" in which the Palestinians failed to exterminate the remnants of the Jewish people gathered in Israel, a terrible wound that to this day remains unhealed.

You know, I get the feeling that the concept of shame would be lost on these people. Of course, having an imbecile like Matan Vilna'i in charge of anything doesn't help. He stepped right into it this time, didn’t he?

Related:
Abbas, the Holocaust denier, knows a Holocaust when he sees one. No suprises here, I guess.

Matan Vilna'i's Shoah comments - from Jpost. Really, since when does the Hebrew language lack words to describe ruin and destruction? What a moron.

Marwan Barghouti's indictment - what kind of people would express admiration for such a man?

Survivor of Palestinian 1948 Holocaust: I will never forget the horrible sight of thousands of Jews, fighting for their lives - and succeeding.

Israel Hits Murderous Office in Gaza

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 11:48:00 +0000

ISL – Gaza

In another great military victory for the Israeli Defense Forces, an entire office, belonging to PA Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh from the Hamas, was obliterated. Fortunately, the office was empty so no innocent terrorists were hurt in the daring, pre-dawn raid.
Minister of Defense Ehud Barak praised the Israeli Air Force which managed a direct hit at the terrorist office without damaging any other nearby innocent offices, "In accordance with international law Israel takes great care in preserving the lives of innocent buildings," Barak said, "Even though in this case, as in many others, the vile terrorists hide their offices among many other, civilian offices".

PM Haniyeh himself said that he was glad that the Israel destroyed his office, "I hated it – the color scheme was terrible and the view of Gaza city was even worse."
The Palestinian PM also said that he already has prepared the plans for a new office which will be done in the Bauhaus style – I am a great fan of Ludwig Mies van der Rohe," said the PM, "And I'm really excited about the new décor."

Israeli PM Ehud Olmert praised the decisive action and especially pointed out the diligence of the forces in sparing the lives of Haniyeh and his henchmen, "Sooner or later we will have to talk with Haniyeh or someone like him so there is no point in killing him, in fact, it will only make matters worse," said Olmert,

"'Better the genocidal maniac you know' is our policy," said the PM.

The PM's office is already preparing the Next Great 10-Year Peace Plan which will deeply involve the radical Hamas, "Nobody likes to be left out, especially dedicated anti-Semitic murderers and criminals like the Hamas so, in this respect, it is obvious that we have to bear some of the responsibility for the situation in Gaza," Olmert said.
Olmert added that he hopes that the ritual hostilities will be over as quickly as possible so that the Peace talks between the parties can resume, "I need at least one Peace Conference a week or else I'm just not myself," Olmert admitted.

OK, really, can someone tell me why destroying an office is news? Did the office kill anybody? Did it organize attacks? Was it a genocidal office? Have we sunk so low we are now attacking holes and offices?
In my humble opinion, we are the victims of a state of mind and until we change this state of mind, nothing will really change.

For instance: Leftists maybe voting for Bibi is nice but I think an apology is also warranted – after all, the Meretz Peace has killed so many people and ruined the lives of literally millions, Jews and Arabs, that the least people like Yael should do is admit their mistake, apologize and do everything they can to correct it – starting from punishing, even ostracizing, their own guilty, lying leaders – in the media, politics and the Supreme Court.
Sorry, end of rant.

Related:
The original report which made the front page of both INN and Jpost - Haniyeh's Office Hit by IAF

Smelling salts anyone? Meretz voters for Bibi from Yael the Olehgirl.

Israeli Government Hits Palestinians with Harsh Concessions After Sderot Attack

New York Knicks Sued for Fan Abuse

noreply@blogger.com (Jerusalem Joe) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 10:43:00 +0000

ISL – New York

The inevitable has finally happened: a group of New York Knicks fans have filed a class action suit against the New York Knicks and Madison Square Garden, "on behalf of abused Knicks fan all over the country," according to the group's lawyer, David Bergman. The group of fans called "Knicks Survivors Support Group" is seeking over a billion dollars in damages for what they are calling "cruel and unusual treatment of a fan base".

The group was formed two years ago when lifetime Knick fan, Chris Trenchmark, committed suicide after the Knicks forty point loss to the Atlanta Hawks, "I can't take it anymore," Chris wrote in his suicide note, "There is no hope left, all I see is darkness and the specter of Isaiah Thomas standing on the sidelines, smirking and taunting me till eternity."

Galvanized by the death of their friend, Chris's fellow fans formed a support group. Within days hundreds had joined, eager to share their shame and pain and agony, "For the first time I met people who understood what I have been going through in the past four years," said Kieth, a devoted member. As more people joined and the extent of abuse suffered by the fans, once shamefully hidden and now openly discussed, became clear, the group decided to ask the courts for help, "The New York Knicks have literally ruined the lives of tens of thousands of people," said the group's lawyer, "People have lost their jobs, gone insane and committed suicide. Some have got divorced and many have developed serious health problems. This is bigger and worse then what the tobacco companies did in the past," said Mr. Bergman,

"There is no doubt in my mind that what James Dolan and Isiah Thomas have done to Knicks' fans is un-American, unconstitutional and downright evil. I am sure that after hearing the evidence, any reasonable jury will agree."

The group says that it will rely on the personal, heart-wrenching testimony of Knicks fans, on New-York City's Welfare Department which estimates that the number of homeless and destitute people in New York in the past has risen by twenty percent due to the addition of abused Knicks fans and, of course, the abysmal record of the club and most importantly: the cruel trades inflicted upon the fan base. For instance, the trade for Zach Randolph, resulting in this travesty: (courtesy of BasketBawful)

"As you can see for yourself, inflicting this brand of basketball on a loyal, dedicated and knowledgeable fan base numbering millions, can only be understood as one of the worst cases of fan abuse that America has ever seen. Hopefully, soon, justice will be served, and the sidelines of MSG will be cleared of the corruption and evil that has resided there for far too long," said Mr. Bergman

Knicks President and coach, Isaiah Thomas, refused to address the charges, "Garden policy forbids discussion of the game, the players or the fans by any unauthorized Garden employee. I'm sorry," said Isaiah, "That's just the way it is. In fact, I shouldn't have told you that much either."

An official spokesman for MSG disclosed that the Garden Security Force is familiar with this extremist group of fans, "We have been aware of their existence from the beginning and have been following them closely," said the spokesman, "Extensive files on each and everyone of these troublemakers has been compiled and when the time comes they will be revealed for the traitors and criminals that they are."

Related:
If you follow the Knicks you know there is no lack of material concerning this ongoing fiasco. I'll just list the most recent:
A cartoon lampooning the Knicks, via Truehoop.

The Zach Randolph video from BasketBawful – the most hilarious, basketball-related clip I have seen in years.

Also, check out this great satire of the Knicks from "Posting and Toasting", a rather bitter Knick blog. Can't blame them, really.

Commissioner Goodell Reveals New England Patriots Spy Network!

P.S. I know this is way off topic for this blog but sometimes it is good to stray from the familiar and discover that there are other people out there with bigger worries than merely surviving another day – like those poor Knick fans.