It Burns

Episode 9: Cruise Ships and Elephant Cocks

Elyscape — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 03:48:52 +0000

Because I am spoiled, I occasionally go on cruises. Because I am an ungrateful, whiny bitch, I complain about them. Because I am easily distracted, I then talk about things completely unrelated. My brother contributes by playing Katamari Damacy on his PSP (see spoiled).

Episode 8: In Which Age Limits Are Instated

Elyscape — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 02:22:19 +0000

In this extremely delayed episode, I forbid people from doing things. On an unrelated note, please let me know if you have a better idea for how I should end these.

Episode 7: The Television of Yesteryear

Elyscape — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 18:35:15 +0000

Once upon a time, children’s television didn’t suck. I’m not really sure what happened between then and now. All I know is that my brother Abe and I are not happy about the change.

Episode 6: Not So Much Delicious As Annoying

Elyscape — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 21:20:53 +0000

If you somehow don’t already know, believe me when I tell you that food, while tasty, is a huge pain in the ass. Popcorn in particular can fuck right off.

Episode 5: The Ragemobile

Elyscape — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 23:05:11 +0000

This marks the beginning of my systematic rejection of all modes of transportation. I probably won’t follow through with that, but that’s not the point. What I’m trying to say is that I have much hate for automobile-related bullshit.

I really do need a Ragemobile, though.

Episode 4: The Forbidden Fruit

Elyscape — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 06:41:12 +0000

In this much-delayed episode of It Burns, I tell you that Apple sucks. So great is my hatred for Apple that it took almost sixteen minutes to get me to quiet the hell down.

Episode 3: Get It Off!

Elyscape — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 06:36:43 +0000

Did you know that the anesthetics your doctor gives you can actually result in your death? What about the unclean nature of soap? Find out this and more in this great new episode of It Burns!

Note: nearly every word of the preceding statement was a lie.

Episode 2: Stop Trying to Kill Me

Elyscape — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 20:37:03 +0000

In today’s lesson, I enumerate the perils of billboards and packaging.

Episode 1: It Begins

Elyscape — Sat, 31 May 2008 07:25:52 +0000

Well, here it is. The beginning of It Burns.