It Never Ends: Blogging the Y&R

Hell is in the Eye of the Beholder

2009-10-24T15:48:00.014-07:00

It has been a challenging time of late for both Genoa City's Finest (GCF), and us, the viewer. In fact, it's debatable as to who has had it worse. On one hand, GCF has subscribed to a particular brand of hell that can only occur in Genoa City with a myriad of horrific events to contend with including: cancer (Lily), a stillbirth (Sharon), the death of an only child (Tracy), a psychiatric breakdown (Patti Williams), spouses cheating (Victoria on J.T.), declarations that there is no God (J.T.), the realization that you have no friends after a heart transplant- unless you consider your attorney as a friend (Victor), getting dumped the day before your wedding day (Paul), making ends meet by having to find a job as a manicurist at a dumpy salon after having been an executive at two major companies (Jill), having to date the biggest stick to hit the city limits of Genoa City (Chloe with Chance), having your inheritance revoked and being forced back into a maid uniform after your employer returns from the dead (Esther), and yes, the list does go on. What about us the viewer who has had our own version of hell to contend with? Namely being subjected to Victor "Mumbles" Newman 's attempt to communicate with tubes and an oxygen mask post-gunshot wound (as if it isn't hard enough to understand what the hell he's saying at the best of times)? How about Patti Williams' painfully unwatchable childlike enthusiasm that makes one wish for electric shock therapy (for both ourselves and for her)? And likewise having to endure Mac's resoundingly fake hairpieces and goody two shoes attitude? Lest we forget anything that has to do with the Ryder/Kevin/Daniel/Terroni story line? Who then has it worse? Perhaps because we always have the power to end it all with the simple push of the off button we are in a better position; but as we all know, giving up crack just ain't that easy...

Image of the month
Patti Williams "tidying up" and "making tea" for her guests in her padded cell . Definitely rivals the petting sessions with her stuffed dead cat.

Vows, shmows.
Are we really supposed to believe that Amber was that freaked out about having to marry Deacon? Since when do GCF give any credence whatsoever to the sanctity of marriage? Did she really think this would be a permanent situation for her and that once she says "I do", that there would be no way out? Does she not realize that in Genoa City it is expected that one breaks their wedding vows, and that the more timely one does it, the better? And while we're on the topic of Amber's wedding, what was Victoria doing there as one of only six guests? Not only had she cheated on her husband with the groom mere days before (again...wedding vows?) , but have she and the bride ever even had a conversation?

I can't quit you baby.
Just like Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, Victor and Nicki just can't seem to quit each other. Could it be true love or a pathetic addiction? Just like Tommy, Victor is abusive to Nicki, and just like Pamela, Nicki is holding on to her bleach blonde looks for dear life. Does this then mean that like Pammy, Nicki will end up living in a trailer park? (Perhaps Billy could help her out with Murphy's old trailer?). Let's hope the comparison between the couples ends there and that there are no secret sex tapes of Victor and Nicki discovered by the hired help to be unleashed onto the world. Talk about punishment.

Questions of the month.
1. Why is Amber broke? What happened to all the money that Mrs. C. left her when she "died"? Did she have to pay Mrs. C back?
2. With its miserable track record of incorrect DNA results, and buy offs, how is it that the DNA lab in Genoa City is still legally operational?
3. Who's the bigger drip? Tracy or her husband, Steve?
4. Are GCF the only people allowed in the chapel at the Hospital?
5. Now that Colleen is gone from this mortal coil, does this mean there will be no more visits form Tracy? Please?

Psycho-Killer: Qu'est-ce que c'est?

2009-06-28T20:22:00.007-07:00

Who knew that being a complete psychopath could have so much cache? Genoa City's Finest (GCF) do it up right indeed, giving Norman Bates a true run for his money. And thus Adam dresses up in his father's dead wife's clothes she was wearing the night of her untimely death, to scare the sh#!t out of his current wife, Ashley, and drive her to have a breakdown (nevermind the fact that she has miscarried her baby in the process of falling down the stairs after one of these "hauntings"). If that isn't disturbing enough, he then has gay sex with the housekeeper's nephew, Rafe, in order to keep him from searching his room for evidence that he is behind tormenting Ashley. Nothing wrong with a little man love we say, but when one is not gay, and does it simply to prevent being investigated? And lest we forget the queen of the psychos, Mary Jane Benson (MJB) who touts around a taxidermied cat that she admits to having killed with her own hands, and then proceeds to blow her skanky peanut butter breath onto a child with severe peanut allergies (who consequently ends up in a coma) just so she can keep the girl's mother distracted and away from Jack, the object of her obsession. And finally, how can one ignore MJB's obsession with scrapbooking (which in its own right would qualify for psychotic behaviour)- although not about her last vacation to Disneyland as one would expect, but rather about her growing list of enemies? This broad can definitely hold her own against the psychos of past lore.

Of course, we musn't forget the low grade psychotic behaviour that percolates in GC on a daily basis, behaviour that we as the viewer have simply become accustomed to (think anything done by the likes of Victor, Gloria, Amber, Kevin, Jana, Sharon, Phillip and oh, the list does go on). Although, in comparison, these extreme examples of MJB and Adam make the rest of GCF appear to be the paragons of sanity. A scary propect indeed.

Line of the decade:
Mary Jane Benson questions her stuffed, dead cat:

"Where did you put my pills, kitty?"

Excellent question, Mary Jane.

Economic downturn: What economic downturn?
Is it just us or have GCF been flaunting their wealth in a particularly insensitive and obnoxious way given the state of the economy? And thus:

1. Daniel's million dollar bail is a complete non-issue for Phyllis. She pays sans flinching, wincing, reprimanding, setting up a repayment schedule... nothing. What a show off.
2. With a son that is going blind, Victor spends millions on a company that specializes in stem cell research for blindness, as a way to secure a position for Adam to be part of the study. Again. What a show-off.
3. When Nick and Sharon look at the listings for potential houses to buy, none of their criteria refers to the actual price of the house. Instead, Sharon laments how one house in particular is 5,000 square foot house with only 3 bedrooms. The nerve! How could such a thing be tolerated?
4. Michael bails out Jana with $100,000 on top of doing all her legal work gratis. Generous? Or are they sleeping together?
5. Billy buys the double wide that was once Murphy's tether to this world, just so he has a place to shag his once-cousin, Mackenzie, in private. Classy guy.

All we can say is that if GCF keeps flaunting their wealth the way they are - when the revolution does come, and trust us, it will - the people will be at the gates of GCF's ranches, estates and mansions with torches and guillotines. And we, dear reader, will be in the front row.

Protect us from evil.
Taking a cue from Sharon, did Jack use protection when he slept with 2 women in one day (including one that carries a stuffed kitty around in a carrier and gets it bowls of milk at the local cafe)? How about Adam? Did he use protection with Heather moments after having sex with Rafe?

Questions of the month.
1. Will Adam don Sabrina's dress and wig for Rafe the next time they are together?
2. Is it just us or does Murphy hover over Mrs C. like a parrot, or worse, a stranger on the bus with a bad case of halitosis?
3. Has Phillip had a stroke before? Or could it be that he done too much crystal meth? Ill fitting dentures? Or simply, that he just shouldn't be acting?
4. Can anyone blame Phillip for leaving Nina to pursue other men? And now that Phillip is finally out and Phyllis, Genoa City's resident-half-man-half-beast is single again, perhaps she/he will be able to tempt Phillip with her/his feminine/masculine wiles?
5. Where is Malcolm now that his daughter Lily has cancer?

Economic Downturn Increases Promiscuity in Genoa City

2009-05-31T18:45:00.007-07:00

There seems to be no shortage of the supernatural in Genoa City as of late, which, quite frankly, has us spooked. John Abbott continues to violate everyone around him (including us the spectator) with his surprise hauntings that seem to respect no boundaries, making him rate high on the creepy scale. Not creepy in that coming-from-the-otherworld-kind of creepy, but more creepy for it's- hard-to-believe-that-even- when- someone-is-dead-they-can-still-be-a-self-righteous-ass kind of creepy. John's appearances to Jack are old news, but as to not leave out the other siblings, he has expanded his repertoire to include both Billy and Ashley. New people mean new locations for these "apparitions" and thus John haunts Billy while Billy boozes it up at the bar and Ashley while she lallygags in the intimacy of her boudoir. Most disturbing though, is despite how f*$#@!ed up his children are, he still takes the time to make appearances in an attempt to connect with them. Billy is a drunken louse who has possibly impregnated his brother's ex-wife (despite having a six month old and being freshly married); Ashley, going on 50, is pregnant and is slowly losing her mind, leaving her to make questionable choices (namely being with Victor); and Jack pines after his ex-wife whose claim to fame is figuring out which of the three men with whom she has recently slept could be the father of her unborn child. What we don't understand is why John keeps coming back. Wouldn't hell be a more palpable option?

"Supernatural" occurrences at the Ranch continue to run rampant as well, making this resplendent abode have more in common with The Overlook Hotel in The Shining than say, Ponderosa. Could Adam be an incarnation of Jack Nicholson's character, Jack Torrance? Is he, like Torrance, slowly losing his mind while confined in isolation ? What's next for Adam? Breaking down doors with an ax? Chasing Victor with said ax through an elaborate hedge maze (surely the Ranch has one on the grounds somewhere?) Will Sabrina's ghost be thrown into the mix as well? We can only hope: Sabrina's ghost is by far the most interesting character on the show.

What truly is paranormal however, is the fact that we have been watching this show for 25 years...

Irony and Cheese.

Phyllis accuses Sharon of "stealing other people's men" and "being a master manipulator".

Huh.

and

Amber refers to the people who think that she and Kevin shouldn't have gotten amnesty as the "crazies".

Again. Huh.

Questions of the month.
1. As posed by reader known as "Hoolie", are Nick and Sharon the new incarnation of Victor and Nikki? You know, the loves of each other lives, breaking up, getting back together, marrying other people... blah blah blah?
2. Is Mary-Jane What's- Her-Face going to kidnap and torture Sharon? And more importantly, can we endure yet another kidnapping in GC?
3. J.T. helping Abbey with her homework? Did we mention supernatural?
4. How does Sharon feel about Jack having gotten rid the "makeover" she did at the Abbott mansion?
5. Has the recent economic downturn prevented Genoa City's Finest (GCF) from being able to afford condoms? Sharon?

Genoa City's Finest (GCF) Welcome First Gay Man

2009-04-26T20:15:00.005-07:00

Well, it's been a month of firsts in Genoa City, which it in itself is worth celebrating considering story lines are reused like Sharon Newman Abbott's private parts . And thus the first gay character is revealed (even though half of the male cast is gay) when Lily's attempts at playing matchmaker with Colleen and Rafe are thwarted when Rafe confidently declares that he is in fact gay (or perhaps he was using it as an excuse so he wouldn't have to go out with Colleen...and would we blame him?). We have to ask though: is being gay even allowed in Genoa City?

Other firsts? Nikki eats at a Diner on the outskirts of Genoa City and "tolerates" the poor people that now populate Katherine's life, and does a pretty decent job of pretending to enjoy herself. What we don't see, of course, are the frequent trips to the "ladies room" to wash her hands and the carefully placed napkins on the vinyl seats as to not soil her high-classed bottom. Although, Nikki seemed less tolerant of Katherine's "slumming it" routine once Katherine shared her wish to have her wedding catered by diner owner, Joe, to include a menu of french fries and milk shakes. This, evidently, is where Nikki draws the line.

Lastly, Sharon is added to the long list of Genoa City's Felons and is graced with her very own celebrity mugshot. Who knew that it was illegal to write, " I hate myslef" in lipstick on one's mirror?

Moment to be savoured...forever.
An hysterical Phyllis dressed in a maid uniform cutting up Sharon's panties. Pure magic.

Questions of the Month.
1. How gross was it having to be subjected to Cane and Lily fornicating in order to make a baby? What did we do to deserve this?
2. Who else feels sorry for Humphrey, Lily and Cane's new dog (named after Humphrey Bogart..get it...because they love to watch old movies together...?) for having to endure the unending insipidness of its new owners?
3. Are we really supposed to believe that Murphy was hesitant to leave his shitty little trailer to go live in Katherine's sprawling estate?
4. Do GCF breastfeed their babies, or is this beneath them?
5. Is it just us, or are all scenes involving Kevin, whether he is in them or not, virtually unwatchable?
6. Why don't GCF give up once and for all the notion of having a maid of honor or a best man at their weddings? We think it's time that Genoa City's denizens faced the fact that none of them have friends, and therefore should no longer feel obliged to recruit virtual strangers into their wedding parties. Recent examples include, Chloe asking Sharon to be her matron of honour (an excellent choice considering Sharon had been sleeping the groom), and Karen asking Victoria with whom she has maybe shared one conversation, and who incidentally has also slept with the groom.
7. Is Mary Jane Bensen actually a surgically altered Diane Jenkins?

The Rise and Fall of Genoa City's Perverts (GCP)

2009-03-29T09:17:00.001-07:00

Marge confirmed for us this week (making a grand entrance from her exhumed coffin and giving us a tour of GC and its citizens with her signature Dukes of Hazard style narration) what we expected all along: that she would rather be dead than live among the dysfunction of Genoa City's Finest (GCF). Simply put, she claims that "these people are nuts" and that "they are slaves to their passion like no one in any trailer park I've ever seen". In other words, Genoa City's Finest are a bunch of self-serving, perverts. It takes a low-class, alcoholic waitress to tell it like it is. Bless her cotton socks.

Speaking of perverts, it hit us this week that Sharon Newman Abbot has an unusually large number of things in common with pop tart, Britney Spears. And thus, they both share: boob jobs at a young age; a tenacious libido; a proclivity for substance abuse; noticeable weight gain; child neglect; a preference for hotel living; questionable talent; and kleptomania...to name a few. Given the similarities, what could be next for Sharon? Being photographed sans knickers? Shaving her head? (which would be an improvement over her high-class mullet). Obnoxious back tattoos? A "pimp and ho" themed wedding with whomever her next husband will be? Institutionalization? Whatever is next, we promise, Sharon, to be there every step of the way.

Wish List.
That the Genoa City Jail uniforms would be available for purchase. Who needs a Y&R mug?

Moments to Remember.
It's a toss up:

Nikki relaxing on a faux leather lazy boy in the trailer park where Murphy and Catherine reside. (Was that a hankie she put down on the seat before she sat down?)

or

Gloria kicking Jeffrey in the nuts.

Dialogue of the Month.
Chloe's description of Cane as "that Australian sleeping pill".

Jack referring to Ashley's pregnancy with Victor's child:
"Our sister is growing a baby moustache of their own."

Jack to Sharon regarding Billy living at the Abbott mansion along side her:
"It means a lot to me, you making "room" for my brother..." (And what he means by room is....)

Nick to Mrs C. when he realized it was indeed her:
"Let's hug it out".

Questions of the week
1. How can Ashley, who, according to our researchers, is 50 years old, be pregnant?
2. When will Sabrina start haunting the Ranch again?
3. Did Clint Radison wear make up?
4. Did Victor really say to Catherine, that "love is a rare and precious thing"? Really? This coming from someone who has been married 7 times, with two "great loves" within the last year?
5. If Sharon is so guilt ridden about having been responsible for putting her mother into a wheelchair, then why does she neglect her the way she does? Why is she not living at the Abbott Mansion with her and Jack? (Given that they've hosted a parade of others to include Gloria, Jeffrey, Colleen, and now Billy and Chloe- all people of means.)
6. Is it just us, or is this fighting over baby Cordelia reminiscent of the struggle over the baby in Rosemary's Baby? Are Lily, Jill and Cane actually a coven of witches, wanting Cordelia for a part of some obscure ritual?
7. How @*&! up is it that Victor and Ashley's baby will be Summer's aunt or uncle?
8. Do GCF not realize that the U.S. has an extradition treaty with Canada? Why then do they always head to the Canadian border whenever they commit a crime (which seems to be weekly) thinking that they will be safe?

Brad's Big Chill

2009-02-23T22:30:00.014-08:00

With Brad's corpse looming nearby, Genoa City's Finest (GCF) assembled to mourn, echoing the gathering of friends out of the film, The Big Chill. As Victor picked at appetizers, Sharon stole a ceramic elephant from Brad's house and placed it in her purse, and Brad's ex-wives (all three of them plus ex-lover Lauren) compared notes and made flippant remarks about Brad as a husband and a lover, we half expected the Rolling Stones' "You can't always get what you want" to start playing. Although, unlike in the Big Chill, GCF were not once 60s radicals (did they even know what the 60s were?), and the producers would never foot the bill to pay the royalties for a Stones' song.

Scene and not Heard.
Isn't the hired help supposed to be seen and not heard? Could someone then please tell us why Esther is sporting civilian clothing, with her uniform nowhere to be seen, and is speaking when not spoken to? This has upset the balance of the universe, thereby unleashing a wrath like none other: Esther with her own story line. We are starting the campaign now to get Esther back in her uniform and into the kitchen making tea and tofu sandwiches where she belongs.

Anyway....more about me....
Sharon's perpetual state of self-absorption results in hardcore neglect for her paraplegic mother who lives alone and of modest means (despite her daughter's obvious inherited wealth from having been married to both a Newman and an Abbott). Why is her mother never at any important family events? Where is she at Christmas, birthdays, or when Noah almost died of hypothermia? Did Sharon even call her to let her know? Why doesn't Sharon invite her out for a coffee at Crimson Lights? Is she embarrassed? What about a dinner at the Athletic Club? Are these facilities not wheelchair accessible? Although, in all fairness, Sharon does seem to make time for her mother when she is in crisis and needs someone to listen to her. As her mother is the only person in GC that Sharon hasn't slept with, she is the most logical choice for a confidante. Even when her mother is admitted to hospital after a "collapse" from "exhaustion", Sharon's plea to her to get better is glaringly self-focused: " Mom, you have to take better care of yourself....I need you." A great opener for Sharon to begin talking about herself, which she proceeds to do with abandon. That's why we love you Sharon. You're so unabashedly #$%^& up.

Dialogue to be remembered.
When Billy walks into Chloe's hospital room freshly and tackily decorated for a quickie wedding by Esther's bigamist fiancee, Roger:

"Holy 99 cent store batman...what's going on here?"

Indeed.

Questions of the month.
1.Has Eden had her voice box removed ? Is she using an electromechanical device to help her speak that we cannot see?
2.How much is Sharon worth? How much did she get out of her divorce with Nick? Did she not get the house at the ranch? And with Jack...why is this never mentioned? Is this why she feels the need to shoplift?
3. What caused Adam's rash? And more importantly, where is it?
4. Is it just us, or is Daniel looking more and more like a 70s porn star?
5. Can preemies born at 7 1/2 months be manhandled by any sap who happens to walk into the hospital and then be released within only a couple of days of being born, as was the case of Cordelia?
6. How precious was it to hear Jack giving parenting advice and urging Billy to "step up to the plate" when he has nothing to do with either of his two children?
7. What is it with the women of Genoa City tricking men onto thinking that they are the fathers of their children? Dru did so with Neil, when Malcolm was in fact Lily's father; Ashley stole Victor's sperm and impregnated herself (does it get anymore unflattering?); Phyllis drugged, raped and later tricked Danny Romalati into thinking Daniel was his son; and now Big Daddy Cane was duped into thinking that Cordelia was his when in fact she was his brother's (come to think of it, isn't this the second time Cane has been tricked into marrying someone? First Amber, and then Chloe. Definitely making Aussie bar tenders look bad...)

Brad Carlton Takes Body Hugging T-Shirts to the Grave

2009-02-03T19:55:00.007-08:00

Well it looks like our dear friend Bradley Carlton has left this mortal coil and gone on to bigger and better things (not a difficult feat when one lives in Genoa City). No more shall we see his hulking mass hover over whatever poor woman he would happen to be harassing at the moment; no more shall we see his shiny, botoxed forehead light up whatever room he would enter; no more shall we be privy to his avid consumption of the urine-soaked nuts at the GCAC bar; no more shall we witness that look of permanent smugness and condescension; no more shall we debate who has more charisma, he or a block of wood; no more shall he wonder whether his leather coat required the pelt of one or two cows...

And thus: In Memoriam

Brad Carlton.
Opportunist. Sexist. Vainglorious. Cloying. Self-obsessed.
Yeah, good luck with that in the afterlife.

When dying is inconvenient.
When Nikki finds out her sister is dying of cancer, Paul asks her if there is anything he can do for her. Her answer? Have sex with her of which he, unsurprisingly, obliges. In a requisite post-coital moment, Nikki confesses to Paul that she wishes her dying sister, Casey, lived in Genoa City so she "didn't have to leave" to go see her.

Call us crazy, but who thinks about sex when they just find out that a loved one is terminally ill? And secondly, shouldn't Nikki in fact be "wishing" that her sister didn't have cancer at all, instead of "wishing" she didn't have to leave town to go visit her on the deathbed?

Questions of the week.
1. How does a friendship recover after one party accuses the other of murder as was the case with Amber and Kevin?
2. Does something seem amiss when Nikki Newman remarks that there have been "tons of hits" on the Restless Style website. Does she even know what the "information super highway" known as the "internet" is? The only hit she could possibly know of this kind that her ex-husband David had out on her life.
3. When Mrs. C regains her memory, will she be able to remember how many face lifts she's had?
4. Noah and Eden? Really? Could the denizens of Genoa City possibly have names that could be any more Christian? Where are the Mohammeds, the Rajwinders and the Parveens? If they do indeed exist, would they be allowed a membership at the Genoa City Athletic Club?

Merry Friggin' Christmas

2009-01-18T23:34:00.008-08:00

Another delightful Christmas in Genoa City rolls around with peace, perversity and goodwill spread to all of its denizens. And thus, we learn that Phyllis is responsible for breaking up not one, but two of Sharon's marriages; Esther reveals her inner slut and sleeps with her blind date on the first date (please Lord help us erase that image from our minds); Tyra makes a play for a-married-for-less-than-24-hours-Neil; Phyllis refers to her own son as "hot"; and Lily sucks face with her ex-boyfriend's brother who also happens to be the father of said ex-boyfriend's wive's baby.

Genoa City's Finest Felons.
Christmas in Genoa City read like a rap sheet with many of Genoa City's Finest (GCF) incarcerated. And thus, Adam, Victor, Gloria, River and Mrs. C all spent at least part of the holiday at Genoa City's elusive Silver Bar Motel. And with both Victor and Adam incarcerated at the same time, we were given the rare privilege of witnessing father and son wearing matching prison wear. A Christmas to remember indeed.

Micheal's awful life.
Let's face it. Micheal's life blows goats. Not only does he have to live in god awful Genoa City, but his life is dedicated to providing free legal service to members of his perpetually felonious family. When he asks Lauren: "How does it feel to be married to a man who has not one, but two criminals for parents?", our initial reaction to this seemingly rhetorical question was to feel sympathy for both Michael and Lauren. Upon further reflection though, we remembered Micheal's own criminal past (when he sexually harassed Christine resulting in attempted rape), and how Lauren aided and abetted Gloria and Kevin by concealing knowledge of illegal hacking into security surveillance and computer systems, and that Gloria was the one who tainted the Glo By Jabot face cream. Oh yeah, and who can forget how Lauren shot and killed Sheila Carter? Evidently when one's brain is the size of a walnut, the ability to remember that you have once murdered and raped goes right out the window.

Line of the Month.
When a disturbingly arrogant and spoiled (and newly "grown up"!) Abbey proclaims after Victor buys her a million dollar horse:

"Victor is the best bio-dad ever!"

Where does one begin with a comment like that, really? The moral of the story? Stealing sperm from rich guys most definitely pays off.

What we are truly thankful for.
1. Admitting that he "hated" Sharon's furniture choices, Jack changes Sharon's hideous attempts at contemporary design back to the mansion's pre-American Revolution decor.
2. That the producers of the show have the decency to not show Victor and Ashley "get it on" as it were.
3. For showing Michael weeping like a little girl after River's fraudulent ways are revealed.

Questions of the Month.
1. What did Devon's girlfriend do to deserve the degrading demotion of her name from Roxanne to "Roxy"?
2. Was Nicholas' choice of a French accordion serenade on he and Phyllis' anniversary a tad insensitive since he was just busted for making out with his ex-wife in Paris, the French accordion capital of the world?
3. How pathetic was it that Neil asked J.T. to be his best man? Have they ever had a conversation before? Been in the same room even? Why don't these people have friends? Do we really need to ask that question?
4. Was anyone else disturbed that Phyllis called her own son "hot" and cast him as the cover model for Restless Style's so-called "Hot Man" issue? What would Freud have to say about it?
5. Why is Victor going to D.C. for the inaugural ball? Is he not a Republican?
6. How can Jack lie to John Abbott about him forging Victor's diary? Don't ghosts see and know everything?
7. Since when do carolers choose to sing at trailer parks as they did on Christmas Eve at Murphy's trailer?
8. Since when do GCF read books? Do they really expect us to believe that Lily, Billy, Chloe and Cane, 4 people who can barely put a sentence together, while their afternoons away looking at used books?
9. How will Newman Enterprises weather the economic crisis? Will their be any layoffs? If so, will J.T. be the first to go?

Hookers, Prostitutes and Whores, Oh My!

2008-12-16T22:41:00.001-08:00

Irony reigned supreme this week in Genoa City, with Genoa City's Finest (GCF) the biggest victims of all. And thus, Phyllis, worried about Sharon moving in on her husband, breaks up Sharon's marriage by bringing forth Jack's Visa bill with charges to the Genoa City Motor Arms and a local call girl agency. Shouldn't Phyllis be doing everything in her power to do quite the opposite and to try to keep Sharon and Jack from splitting up? Perhaps this is not irony at all, but rather stupidity. How about the fact that Paul doesn't have a guest room (when Nikki stayed over, this was conveniently revealed), when he has an absentee young son, Ricky? Does this mean Ricky never comes to visit? Wouldn't Paul consider this when he decided on a one bedroom apartment? More sad than ironic, perhaps. Likewise, Phyllis' criticism of Sharon "not being able to be without a man" and "how she jumps into bed with the first man she sees", when in fact Phyllis did exactly that with Sharon's husband, got knocked up and destroyed their marriage. Irony? Perhaps. Annoying? In the words of Phyllis Newman herself, "definitely". How about Nicholas' condemnation of Adam's pursuit to put Victor behind bars, when Nicholas turned Victor into the FBI for corrupt business dealings himself? Nikki tells Victor to "go to hell", when the irony is that living in Genoa City, is already hell. Furthermore, what of Olivia's romanticizing Dru's "passion", when in fact, she had a personality disorder and was mentally ill? And the most ironic moment goes to Amber who actually used the word irony when describing her inability to "create" after quitting her job. Amber knowing the meaning of the word irony, is indeed the greatest irony of all...

Dialogue of the week.

Jill: Up yours, Bradley
Brad: Always a lady.....

Cosmetic surgery question of the week.
Did Bradley have a boob job? Is that why he was MIA for sometime? And more importantly, is it wise that he continue to wear those skin tights turtlenecks and golf shirts?

Questions of the week.
1. Does Michael actually have an office? Where does he call when he is giving orders to his secretary? The Genoa City Motor Arms Motel? The cage built by Sheila Carter?
2. How did Eden make it out to the Ranch that night to visit Billy? Does Genoa City have a public transit system? And if so, have any of GCF actually ridden it?
3. What will Lauren and Michael do when Fenmore stops napping? Does this mean that they will actually have to spend time with him?
4. Did anyone else notice the photo of Katherine and Jill in the salon at the Chancellor estate? Was it just us, or did it look like Jill was a ventriloquist and Katherine was the oversized puppet on her lap?
5. If Gloria is truly sorry over not being there for her two sons when they were children, why can't she help a financially strapped Kevin pay a $2000.00 plumbing bill when she is worth millions?
6. Does Heather know that she has a half brother? How would she feel to hear that Paul has nothing to do with his young son, Ricky, given that he "repents" on a daily basis that he did the same thing to her?

Are You There God? It's Us, Genoa City's Finest

2008-11-17T21:18:00.009-08:00

This week in Genoa City, its denizens face matriarch Catherine Chancellor's death and dig deep to confront their own mortality, or dare we say, their own spirituality. Which begs the question: what form does spirituality take for Genoa City's Finest (GCF)? From what we could see from their comportment at the funeral, spirituality for GCF seems to manifest itself in the holy trinity of me, myself and I - a philosophy, in our opinion, that is none too flattering to anyone who subscribes. Thanks to an omniscient camera we were given the privilege to venture into the thoughts of GCF, leaving us worried for humanity in general. And thus, their thoughts speak for themselves:

Nikki (thinking): Thank you, God, for bringing Victor home safely. I know this is what I prayed for. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but... please help me. I feel like my heart's breaking, seeing him with Ashley.

Oh...and...yeah...I almost forgot God, take care of that old broad, Katherine, while you're at it.

Sharon (thinking): Oh, Katherine, I wish I could ask you what I should do about Jack. Our marriage... I can't stand the lies any longer. I'm gonna miss your wonderful advice.

Yep, Sharon, it is all about you...even at someone's funeral.

Tracy (thinking) : Well, Sis, I certainly hope you know what you're getting involved with.

Yes, Tracy, a funeral is the perfect venue to indulge your feelings of inadequacy around your much thinner sister.

Jeffrey (thinking) :I wonder who the blonde is sitting with Jack. She looks loaded.

This is actually pretty funny.

Jack (thinking): Do you think this is funny, God? Having Ash drag Newman back into the sunlight and bring him back at a time like this? I got too many balls in the air right now. I don't need this at a time like this. So I'm gonna need a little help here. All right? Please?

Can you say b-l-a-s-p-h-e-m-y? The insolence! The disrespect! Is God going to take that from Jack???

Victor (thinking): They say vengeance is yours, Lord. But I'm not patient enough to wait that long.

So in other words, God, I am better then you.

Esther (what she should have been thinking): Damn you old woman for making me wear that degrading maid outfit for the last thirty years. Where the hell did you get off? This was my life's work? Serving you? And what kind of shitty idea of yours was it to send my daughter to boarding school from the time she was a toddler? I missed out on raising the only child I will ever have, and this in addition to the exposure to the pretentious world of boarding schools, she is one messed up sociopathic beyotch who will have nothing to do with me whatsoever. And don't think I never saw you rolling your eyes at me, you old goat. The only good thing that came out of all of this is that having access to your money allowed for some pretty fierce cosmetic surgery, if I may say so myself.

Amen. Who ever said that GCF were compassionate people? The navel gazers that they are, they can't think beyond themselves for five seconds to mourn a woman who has been a part of their lives for the better part of 40 years? Why should we expect anything else? The highlight of the funeral for us here at It Never Ends was most definitely Marge's narration, in which she looked directly into the camera and seemed to take her performance cues from the "down home" aphorisms of the narrator of Dukes of Hazzard fame.

It Never Ends reader comment of the week.

"Can You Tell Me How To Get To..." writes:

Phyllis looked like Big Bird with that silly feathered hat walking down that fake looking street. Does that make Victor Oscar the Grouch?

Questions of the week.
1. Is it just us, or did the folks who turned up for Katherine's Funeral look more like the cast of flesh-eating zombies of Night of The Living Dead?
2. With all of their outpourings and grieving, what will GCF do when they find out that Katherine is actually alive? Will they be disappointed? Will they kill her and devour her flesh? (see question #1)
3. Is it just us, or do Sharon and Nicholas seem to punctuate every sentence with a hug?
4. Was seeing GCF in a bookstore an oxymoron? Have these people ever read a book in their lives?

Remember when...
Phyllis and Jana were in prison together, staging their own x-rated version of Prison Heat?

Pain, Procreation and Pantalons: Genoa City's Finest Invade Paris

2008-11-11T12:59:00.015-08:00

Who knew that pain could be such an aphrodisiac? Genoa City's Finest (GCF) reveal this week that when someone is grieving over a death, divorce, or a loved one in jail...it is the perfect opportunity to make your move. And thus, Victor is resuscitated from the depths of despair over Sabrina's death with the advances of a desperate and in-heat Ashley Abbott; Noah and Eden make out for the first time after Noah talks about his parents divorce, his sister's death, and likewise, Eden spills the beans about her father's incarceration; and Sharon and Nick share a heated kiss in Paris after talking about Cassie's death. The lesson? If you are a resident of Genoa City, choose carefully to whom you reveal your most painful secrets, especially if you are trying to avoid getting an STD.

(Not so) Gay Paris.
Not since the Germans rolled their tanks under the Arc de Triomphe has Paris witnessed such atrocities in their city as they did this week with the spontaneous blitzkreig by Genoa City's Finest. Was it just us, or did seeing GCF in Paris without the carefully controlled (studio) environment of Genoa City, suddenly take on the look of a Mexican soap opera? The natural outside light was none too forgiving to our fair friends, leaving them swimming performance-wise in this great city. And to make matters worse, Sharon showed her true colours as the country hick that she really is. And thus:

Sharon (to Nick): Gosh, everything here [in Paris] is just so old and so gorgeous. I mean, it's nothing like Genoa City.

Never underestimate the power of observation.

We did find it very hard to believe that Sharon had never been to Paris before, especially when she has been rolling in it for years with her marriages to a Newman (with access to a private jet), and now an Abbott. What is wrong with her? She never once got it together to go to Paris? We reckon that's what happens when your choice of vacation spots is always the culturally vacant Barbados.

And was it because of Sharon's lack of refinement, culture and worldliness that had Nick "fall" for her all over again, resulting in a passionate embrace?

Le Victor.
We were thrilled to see that Victor was located in Paris this week, and we believe that it was no accident he was spotted around Notre-Dame, taking inspiration from the gargoyles that inhabit the cathedral. Standing alone in his over sized leather jacket and jeans, hands in his pockets, and an accompanying look of despair, Victor looked like an out-of-work day labourer waiting for someone to hire him for an odd job. Either way, albeit a gargoyle, or an out of work labourer, this "look" was an intense turn on for Ashley Abbott and her sans pantalons * look.

Questions of the week.
1. Are Sabrina and John Abbott hanging out together in the after world? Are they planning an appearance together?
2. How great was Nick's suggestion that Victor shave his moustache in order to disguise himself?
3. How is it that Ashley, Phyllis and Sharon were each able to walk for miles around Paris in 4 inch heels?
4. What was more disturbing? That Gloria's testimony 30 years ago was responsible for Lowell becoming a fugitive, or that she couldn't move her botoxed face when trying to show her intense remorse to having done such a thing to Lowell?
5. How do the employees of Restless Style feel having to watch their bosses Phyllis and Nick get it on at every chance they get?
6. Did Katherine Chancellor roll her eyes when Esther promised to stay with her forever? Which begs the question: which is worse? Having your mind turn to mush, or being stuck with Esther for the rest if your days?
7. Did they really kill Mrs. C. off in a car crash? How lame would that be? Whatever happened to the good old days when people died by falling into a canyon, or being gunned down? But a car crash? Almost 40 years on the show, and this is the best they can offer Mrs. C?

* sans pantalons = pantless

Let Them Eat Nuts

2008-11-02T15:38:00.007-08:00

We here at It Never Ends have not posted for a couple of weeks, as we are going through a rather trying time as of late, a sort of existential crisis directly related to the state of the Young and the Restless. Simply put, Y&R has totally blown goats lately, and we are hard pressed to write anything about it, except for a list of why it has deteriorated into a miserable puddle of puke...

And thus, is it so wrong that we :

Don't give a sh*t that Victor is missing (yet again); that Jeffrey is threatening Gloria with the face cream(once again); that charges against Brad have been dropped(again), that Heather Stevens is prosecuting Victor Newman for murder (again); that Sharon is questioning her marriage to Jack (again); that Phyllis wore that horrid cowboy hat to celebrate her wedding anniversary (again); that Catherine Chancellor's faculties are being questioned by Jill (again); that Amber and Mrs. C are revisiting Mrs. C's memoirs when we were led to believe it was a fait accompli; that the downtrodden and drunken Marge, Catherine's alter ego, is a part of her life (again); and that Brad and Sharon were caught in an inappropriate embrace (yet again, for the millionth time)...

Moreover, we are officially tired of everyone caring about and wanting to help Victor Newman, when he is the biggest coc*sucker of all, and we are equally fed up with Jana's flaky spirituality passed off as "idiosyncratic", when in fact she has a bone fide mental illness.

And yes, we could go on.

Even the actors seem bored. Mrs. C who is losing her mind, is actually in an enviable position...

Dialogue of the week:
Sharon: I just want to spend time with the man I fell in love with.
Jack: Me too.

Huh. Interesting.

Brad the nuteater.
Brad, a former shell of himself, has emerged from his forced exile and is embracing his role as the town pariah. To celebrate his new role, Brad indulges in some cosmetic surgery a la Mickey Rourke and poises himself for another round of nut-eating at the bar of the GCAC.

Questions of the week.
1. How is it that Fenmore and Summer were born within only a couple of months of each other, but Summer is pushing what looks like five years old, and Fenmore is barely walking, at what looks like two?
2. How strange is it that both Neil and Olivia have seen Karen's private parts?

A Farewell to Arms: Genoa City Motor Arms, That Is.

2008-10-20T17:34:00.021-07:00

Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are a self-indulgent and neurotic bunch indeed, seeking relationship advice from anyone willing to listen. And thus, Colleen, distraught over her boyfriend Daniel having publicly declared his love for his ex-girlfriend, seeks the advice of Lily, said boyfriend's ex-wife. Confusing? Yes. Logical? No. What exactly does Colleen hope for Lily to say given that the latter is no longer married to Daniel because he is a liar, a cheater and a pornography addict? Likewise, Daniel indiscriminately looks to Chloe for advice - who in turn has about as much sensitivity as Lucy Van Pelt of Charlie Brown fame. Much like Lucy, Chloe shares a counselling style more akin to a session with a high strung abuser, leaving any advice seeker feeling worse than they did before. Chloe's advice seems to come with a litany of insults including calling the advice seeker (aka Daniel) a "loser" whilst poking them repeatedly in the chest, and knocking off a bowler hat from said seeker's head. Similarly, Amber turns to Mrs. C, whose advice to her is to be as promiscuous as possible. We firmly believe that giving advice should be left to the professionals and that GCF should rely not on one another for their convoluted and unintuitive advice, but rather stick with the only one with any sense at all, our most respected colleague, Captain Obvious.

Questions of the week.
1. How Freudian is it that J.T. was impersonating his wife's father by dressing in the trademark leather coat and black ball cap in an attempt to bamboozle the authorities? Does he dress up like Victor in the bedroom as well?
2. Why would Jack's credit card company deem a charge at the Genoa City Motor Arms Hotel as "unusual activity"? Is it because "wealthy" people would never book themselves into a lowly motel?
3. How creepy was it to see Jack passionately "channelling " Victor? Did he not seem a little too excited? Hot and bothered, even? Did he have a cold shower afterward, or is the Genoa City Motor Arms Hotel far too grubby for that?
4. Was anyone else mortified when, in an attempt to show literary prowess, Noah referred to Ernest Hemingway as "my man Ernie?" Does he perhaps have "Ernie" Hemingway confused with "Ernie" of Sesame Street fame?
5. How despicable is it that a grieving and melodramatic Victor burns down a chateau in France, considering that so many people in the world live without adequate shelter?
6. Who feels worse about Tyra and Ana coming back to Genoa City? Us or Karen?
7. Do the children of Genoa City's Finest sleep too much? Reid, Summer, and Fenmore, seem to spend an inordinate amount of time sleeping, making us wonder: are they being drugged? Again, where the hell is Social Services?

Newman Pitfalls Blamed on "Erosion of Confidence"

2008-10-12T13:21:00.018-07:00

Since Victor's disappearance (for the umpteenth time), Newman stocks have plummeted (nothing to do with the current market disaster of course) , causing Victoria to panic about an "erosion of confidence" with Newman shareholders. Her and Neil's solution? Bring in the Black Knight's son. Already stretched thin with a tanking magazine, an oversexed and needy wife, a delinquent son, a demanding ex-wife, and now an executive position at Newman, Nicholas has his work cut out for him. But we digress. What really interests us, is this term that Victoria bandies about: the erosion of confidence. We feel it to be a fitting description for how we too feel towards Genoa City's Finest (GCF), in general. And thus, our confidence in Nikki as the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine is questioned, when her own style takes cues from Wilma Flintstone (notably, an exaggerated updo, an over sized, short strand of pearls, and dresses not unlike those worn by Wilma). Likewise, our confidence in Heather as an astute and respectable attorney is diminished given she insists on getting her hairstyle tips from My Pretty Pony. Furthermore, our faith in Genoa City's Memorial Hospital is waning with an increasingly high turnover of doctors (think back to the days of Dr. Olivia Winters, or Dr. Reese, when one doctor seemed a permanent fixture, there to cater to whatever catastrophe beset our precious GCF). And finally, our surety in Victoria as a mother is questioned as she pawns her child off on coworkers, (as she did with an emotionally unstable Karen) while she attends to whatever it is in those infuriatingly ubiquitous Newman file folders.

As it stands, the only real vote of confidence this week came (shockingly!) from the Winters, when both Lily and Neil dissed the musical, Cats.

New drinking game.
Every time Adam or Heather mentions how Adam is a Harvard grad, take a drink.

Line of the week.
Jeffrey explaining why he is upset:
"It's about that creepy flower child you used to sleep with..."

Given Jeffrey's obvious aversion to this era, what the hell was he doing during the sixties then?

Questions of the week.
1. What would it be like to live next door to the Baldwins with the constant yelling, door slamming, unending line of people coming and going and letting themselves into the apartment at will, teenage girls escaping the apartment by scaling the wall, a refuge for felons (Gloria, Michael, Kevin, Jana, Lauren, now River...) and all-too-frequent visits from various law enforcement agencies?
2. Is everyone in Genoa City immune to lactose intolerance? Certainly Noah and family are, as all of their traditions seem to focus around consuming dairy products, where every accomplishment is indulged with either a smoothie from Crimson Lights, or ice cream at the Abbott mansion.
3. What happened to the rule for the Fresh Faces of Jabot contest that states a family member cannot be a model? Isn't that why Amber, former wife to Cane, had to disguise herself? How is it considered ok then, that Abbott, Colleen Carlton, be the Fresh Faces model?

Are Genoa City's Finest Vegetable-Hating Witches and Warlocks?

2008-10-05T16:53:00.023-07:00

If you were to describe yourself in one word, what would it be? Sounds like the kind of sophomoric question that Jana would pose during a session with her Tarot cards, indeed, but it got us thinking: What word could encapsulate the essence of the Young and the Restless? Mind-numbing? Unrelenting? Facile? Moronic? Perhaps. Thought-provoking? Cerebral? Seminal? We tend to think not. Although, magical is a possibility, as magic seems to be the way to explain the unexplainable that inhabits every nook and cranny of Genoa City.

And thus, how did the insufferably cranky teenager, Eden Baldwin, manage to sneak out of the bedroom window of the Baldwin's high rise condominium? Magic we say. How about Colleen being taken seriously as a model for the Fresh Faces of Jabot campaign? Simply supernatural. Billy's astute observation that his grandmother "manages to look younger each time he comes to see her"? Apart from an obscene number of face lifts? Sorcery. Or how about the fact that if Neil and Devon combined their facial hair, they would form a full goatee? A slight of hand. Finally, how would one explain Michael's financial success as a lawyer when of all his work is pro bono? Voodoo. Plain and simple.

Let's face it. Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are nothing but warlocks and witches, immersed in the practice of magic and the supernatural. How else could it be explained that resident half-man, half-beast, Phyllis Newman, is considered to be "attractive", or that it is believable that the mentally- ill-millionaire- mumbler, Victor Newman, is a world renown business man? If only this magic could be bestowed upon us, the viewers, allowing us to make our own custom changes on the show. Just think, with a twitch of our noses, Eden would be magically wearing a muzzle, Phyllis a bra, and all wife- beater tank tops would be banned from the show. A wave of our magic wands would bring more establishments for GCF to frequent, Devon rendered mute, blow- up- doll- Colleen given a slight rupture to deflate her into oblivion, and Sharon's mullet lobbed off once and for all.

Questions of the week.
1.Do GCF hate vegetables? How many times have we heard shots about Esther's tofu casserole or about the vegetarian fare that the Baldwins had to endure at the ashram? Is it even possible to find vegetables in Genoa City?
2. How SOL is Jana since Sabrina's death? Her dream job as assistant to the curator of the Newman Contemporary Gallery ripped away from her, and back to serving coffee to a bunch of ultra-maroons*? And the strangest part? There has not been one peep from her about it.

* In the words of the infinitely wise, Bugs Bunny

Reader question of the week.
1.Has any writer/producer/director of this show ever been to NYC? Nothing about that "art gallery" said New York city, nor did the "bar", which looks like it easily could have been a bar in Genoa City.

We couldn't have asked it better ourselves...

Sexually Transmitted Diseases for Genoa City's Finest

2008-09-28T21:12:00.012-07:00

It takes a newcomer with a bad attitude to really put Genoa City's Finest (GCF) in their place, as seen with long lost sibling to Victoria and Nick, Adam Wilson, and now with long lost sibling to Micheal, Eden Baldwin. After spending some time with Eden this week, we realized that her name is not a reference to the Utopian part of the garden of Eden of Biblical lore, but rather to the post- bitten- apple- fall- of- mankind- part of the garden. You know, when everything basically went to shit. It is hard for us to believe that this high strung, angry and aggressive little number grew up in an ashram, as her behaviour is anathema to all things associated with a karmic upbringing. The biggest crime of all though - and much bigger than her father's own murderous crimes - is her glaring inability to act, making Esther look like Meryl Streep in comparison. We have been able to see the forest though the trees with our dear Eden though, and give her much props for telling Noah off and for having a bad attitude towards GCF in general. And thus to Noah:

“Listen , I’m not going to be living in this loser town for very long. I’m not going to your loser school. But even if I were staying in this loser town and going to that loser school, I sure as hell wouldn’t be seen with a loser like you. Got it."

Atta girl. Who cares if she can't act?

Admittedly, Eden's temper tantrums were about exciting as it got this week, even though Victor collapsed and was admitted to the hospital (again), was committed (again), and has subsequently disappeared (again). Except or a few moments when he wailed Sabrina's name and held onto the Kinder Surprise-esque egg that Sabrina had purchased for Victor's art collection, it was all really old hat.

In more exciting news though, a diagnosis for Heather's collapse finally came in: herpes. This is exactly what is needed to breathe some life into Genoa City: a good old fashion venereal disease epidemic. We can only hope for syphilis.

Insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain.

Rappers Cypress Hill would be more convincing proving their sanity than Victor Newman did this week. We question Victor's choice of words as he attempts to prove that he is mentally fit to an admitting psychiatrist:

Victor: '“I'm fine, I want to get the hell out of there...you got it?"

Psychiatrist: "Your family is concerned about you"

Victor: "As well they should be..and I’m telling you what I told them: I don’t really give a damn how concerned they are, or how concerned you are...I want to be left alone."

Is this wise? Are these words you would use when trying to prove that you aren’t @%$* crazy?

CC.
Bursting with imagination, Uncle Billy's "pet name" for Colleen, CC, is confounding. We assume it stands for Colleen Carlton, but we can never be sure with GCF, so we came up with some other possibilities :

Can Can : when it comes to taking off her clothes, this is Colleen's mantra.
Carbon Copy: as in copying her best friend by sleeping with said friend's ex-husband, and scooping up her friend's job after said friend reluctantly resigns.
CCs. As in 10CCs of restylane to create her puffed out pout.
Cheap Champagne. Her only excuse for her behavior.
Consummate Callgirl: They way her career paths seems to be shaping up for her.

Questions of the week.
1. Did we see things clearly, or was Jack really talking (out loud!) to his father's ghost in a bar in New York City?

Genoa City Opens Its First Gay Bar

2008-09-21T20:37:00.011-07:00

"Willing Suspension of Disbelief" is a theory that refers to the willingness of a person to accept as true the premises of a work of fiction, even if they are fantastic or impossible. According to the theory, the audience agrees to provisionally suspend their judgment in exchange for the promise of entertainment.

Ok. A bit of a mouthful yes, but nevertheless, we believe worthy of discussion, if not for the blatant overuse of this principle on the Young and the Restless. And thus, as an audience we are expected to accept that: Billy Abbot is in fact the mysterious Liam that Amber has been dating; that Chloe is Kate Valentine, Esther's daughter; that it was a "coincidence" that River Baldwin, Micheal's long lost father, just happened to be the guru at the ashram where Jana and Kevin got married; that Noah aged 5 years in a matter of 2 months; that Jill turned out to be the daughter of lifelong hated rival Katherine Chancellor; that Lily is "cool" about her best friend sleeping with her ex-husband; that Sheila Carter's Brazilian plastic surgeon could make her look EXACTLY like resident half-man half-beast, Phyllis Newman; that the Newman Ranch is the epitome of luxury and opulence; and the most demanding of all premises: that Danny Romalati actually has talent as a singer.

Frankly we are exhausted. Are we really expected to believe all of this crap? This suspension of our disbelief is supposed to be rewarded with entertainment. So where is it, people? Neil Winter's manties (genital hugging underwear), worn during a sex scene with Karen? Is this the entertainment we were promised? Jack talking to his dead father's ghost for the millionth time? . Any scene that involves Devon? We've lived up to our end of the deal, so it's time for some serious entertainment in return. We the people demand it.

Don't quit your day job.
Based on a "pep" talk given to a down-in-the-dumps Jack this week, it is clear that Sharon should avoid a career in personal coaching at all costs. Case in point:

Sharon to Jack:
"One of the many things I have admired about you is your ability to move on : Jabot, MVP, The Senate, The Casino and now the Magazine".

Translation: "After a string of failures, you still manage somehow to pick up the pieces. Let me name those failures in an itemized list to make you feel like even more shit than you already do".

From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.
Socrates said that. Following this logic then, the hate spewing Kevin and Jeffrey towards Billy and River respectively, would say that they in fact feel great desire for these two men. And thus their words of desire:

Kevin (on Billy) :

"I friggin' hate that guy."

or

"He's a self-absorbed loser"

or quite simply:

"The guy sucks"

By no means as eloquent as Socrates, but nevertheless Kevin has made his (homoerotic) point.

Jeffrey throws in his two cents worth of hate with a comment made after finding a pair of ballet slippers in River's backpack:

"If that doesn't say weirdo creep, I don't know what does".

It's time that Genoa City acquire its first gay bar where Genoa City's Finest can work out their issues like real men.

Favourite moment.
When Karen beat the shit out of Neil at a self-defense demonstration.

Line of the week.
Daniel's comment to the new Billy Abbott played by a completely different actor:

"You look so different"

Questions of the week.
1. Is it just a coincidence that Daniel's art consists solely of his past lays given his ongoing struggle with a porn addiction?
2. Is Victor's reclusive behaviour taking a cue from famous recluse, Howard Hughes? If so, what's next for Victor? Obsessing over peas and their size, and only eating them with a knife? How about picking up things with tissues as to avoid germs and only reading from books that have been laminated?
3. Is Phyllis' description of Nikki as a smart business woman with a good fashion sense (resulting in hiring her as the editor-in-chief at Restless Style) not a perfect case of the blind leading the blind?

Genoa City: A Place Where Imaginary Friends Are Better Friends Than Real Friends

2008-09-14T22:31:00.007-07:00

Everyone in Amber's circle seems to be aware that her boyfriend, Liam, is a mere figment of her imagination, showing little concern that as an an adult, she has her very own imaginary friend. Daniel finds it "sorta cute, and flattering" and Kevin, nothing short of hysterical. Jana seems to be the only one who looks at the situation with any seriousness, albeit, showing more pity than concern. We here at It Never Ends, find it quite concerning and believe that the argument for having Amber committed is becoming more and more convincing (if for no other reason then for her fashion sense). Imaginary friends in adulthood are rare, and according to News in Science may "signal a very serious psychological disorder". We believe that Amber should use her special powers for good, ditch imaginary deadbeat boyfriend for imaginary designer friend who actually has talent and can design Amber out of the fashion mess she has cornered herself into.

Nuts for Pee-Nuts.
With Brad's recent unemployment he now has the luxury of devoting more time to his favourite pastimes: working out, scheming, and eating the Athletic Club's complimentary urine-soaked nuts (*). At first, his quest for these particular nuts could only be found at said Athletic Club, but now with even more time on his hands, he has extended his sphere to include the Coffee house as well (coffee and nuts, always a winning formula, and trust Crimson Lights to lead the way...)

*It has been stated that 80% of all free bar nuts are have traces of feces and urine.

Colleen.
Jesus.
Desperate and arrogant. What a combination. The fact that she is sleeping with her best friend's ex-husband is a perennial afterthought for her, and Lily's acceptance of this is even worse. These people are truly confounding. And gross. And despicable.

We believe Lily should take a cue from Amber, ditch Colleen, and create a custom made imaginary friend. She'd be much better off.

Lily and Cane say good bye...again.
Yawn. Good-bye I guess until they run into each other 4-5 times a day at Jabot, The Athletic Club, Indigo, and Crimson Lights. Farewell, Sharewell, we say.

Dialogue of the week.
Victoria to her mother: "I have to say, I was really good in Dubai, and I had their respect...I know I can do a spectacular job."

Good at what, exactly?

So much for humility.

Questions of the week.
1. Jack's deep connection to his father (as shown by his perpetual whining about him being gone along with conversations with his ghost) indicates the importance of having a father for him. Given this logic then, why doesn't Jack give a flying-you-know-what about his neglected son, Kyle?
2. John's ghost's visit this week, got us thinking: Is it possible to have cosmetic surgery in the after world? If so, who would do the work? The ghosts of plastic surgeons past? And finally, do they have acting lessons in the after world? Please, please, say yes.
3. At what age should it be mandatory to wear a bra whenever you are in public? Phyllis?
4. How is it that Kevin, the alleged Director of Internet Affairs for Jabot, can claim to the SEC (with a straight face no less) that he didn't keep hard-copy backup of his files?
5. Is now deceased mobster, Walter Palin, related to Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin?And if so, does this mean that Sarah Palin has connections to the mob as well?
6. What ever happened to Sharon's wheelchair bound mother? Living alone somewhere on social assistance without the support of her daughter now married to a man worth millions?

All Work and No Play, Makes Victor a Dull Boy. All Work and No Play Makes Victor a Dull Boy...

2008-09-06T21:39:00.015-07:00

Victor Newman proves once again what an emotional infant he is, indulging in one big temper tantrum lasting weeks, and spanning an entire continent. When Nikki finds him in a dilapidated shack on a Mexican beach in a pile of his own filth (with surprisingly practical footwear), he turns on Nikki, channeling his best Jack Nicholson in The Shining, and decimates her fragile eggshell ego with, "our love is a sick love: a love that must die", leaving her grief-stricken (and extremely hungover) in a collapsed heap on the beach. He proceeds to storm off swearing that he will never again return to Genoa City. This proclamation is short lived, however, since hours later, he ends up back in said city replacing his Jack Nicholson- inspired performance with a Marlon Brandon-inspired performance a la Godfather (minus the cotton balls in his cheeks). Holed up in his study with Michael Baldwin as his "adviser"(think Robert Duvall as Vito Corleone's attorney), he instructs Michael as to whom he will see and when, all the while displaying minimal emotional affect with maximum destructive results. Hence, he fires his son, Adam, and banishes him from the Ranch. Likewise, he coldly asks Victoria and Nick to "leave him alone", and fires his entire staff without any kind of severance package or holiday pay. His perennial puerile actions make us question our "love" for him and for the show in general: perhaps this too is a "sick love" , one that must die?

Get thee to a boarding school.
A theme we have explored ad nauseum, is that of child neglect (or rather, child forget), a syndrome that runs rampant among Genoa City's Finest (GCF). As demonstrated this week, this neglect is not relegated solely to the wealthy, whose lives are too full of scheming, cheating, and dining on mediocre food at the Athletic Club to care for one's child; Esther, the lowly maid, is just as guilty as the rest. Her psychopathic daughter, Chloe/Kate is one f'ed up cookie as years of child neglect is oft to do. Boarding school from the ripe young age of 5 (thanks to Mrs. C) in a country that your mother can't locate on the map (Switzerland), is a recipe for disaster indeed. It serves Esther right that her own child is now ordering her to wait on her hand and foot, which Esther does willingly. We reckon this is what happens when your brain is the size of a walnut. And, oh yeah, the father of your child is a plumber named "Tiny".

Dude looks like a lady. For real.
When Sharon agrees to allow Noah to go to public school (shirking his duties as a trustafarian), he excitedly refers to her as "dude". Not surprisingly, his mother was none too thrilled about this designation and urged him not to refer to her as a dude again (or was it "dud"?) . In our view Noah's sobriquet for his mother is not too far fetched given that Sharon is looking more and more like a dude with each passing day thanks to a "high-class" mullet that just won't go away. You know, a mullet: short in the front, long in the back. And thus, dude from the front, broad from the back.

New Drinking Game.
As drinking seems to be the only way for one to get through a full episode of Y&R these days, we have been thoughtfully compiling a list of of suggestions for drinking games. Past suggestions have had the participant take a drink every time:
1. Phyllis punctuates a sentence with, "definitely, yeah, definitely..."
2. Someone dramatically slams shut their flip phone (thankfully the unflippable Blackberry phone is making it's way onto the show)
3. A comatose Victoria's monitor would go off signaling imminent death.
4. etc....

And now for this week's addition. Take a drink every time:
Someone proclaims (for either Jabot or Newman): "I'm the new CEO".

Questions of the week.
1. How do the local Mexicans feel when Nikki refers to where they live as "some godforsaken strip of beach"? We think it none too wise for a rich, solo, drunk gringa to be mouthing off as such.
2. Who in their right mind would let their young daughter go alone to serve food to some hot-tempered, disheveled, on-the-run gringo living in a run-down shack on the beach, as was the case of the young girl who would bring Victor scraps of food?
3. Is Adam so socially challenged that he can't comprehend how Neil could take being fired by him personally?
4. Is Jack's obsession with Victor bordering on homoerotic?

Genoa City: A Town Where Bad Breath Can Get You Fired

2008-08-28T15:48:00.014-07:00

Heavily influenced by the management style of Catholic monarchs Ferdinand and Isabella of Spanish Inquisition fame, Adam demonstrates a fresh new approach to running Newman Enterprises. For as little as having bad breath, Adam accuses, denounces, condemns and ultimately burns whomever crosses him at the proverbial stake, or for those who prefer less dramatic terms, fires them. We find his approach refreshing, as nothing has been as rewarding as seeing the likes of Neil's ass being fired, along with Victoria's much bonier version of the aforementioned body part. We are praying for J.T. to get the axe as well, with hopes that once he is out of Newman and out of a suit, his frontal lobotomy will miraculously disappear.

The meek shall not inherit the earth.
The Newmans are anything but meek, which would make one think they would not be candidates for inheriting the earth. Wrong. Inheriting Victor Newman's estate, in our esteem, would qualify as inheriting the earth, and as none of the Newmans exhibit any of the characteristics of being meek (such as showing patience, humility and gentleness) this adage is clearly false. It got us thinking though...what is the opposite of meek then, as clearly that is what the Newmans are? The answer? Asshole.

And thus, Victor endows Adam with everything Newman, and "punishes" Victoria by leaving her his multi-million dollar art collection and Nicholas the building where Restless Style is housed. Victoria's inheritance hardly seems a punishment considering Sabrina's recent acquisitions for the Newman collection ran in the millions. A relief for Victoria indeed since she is now unemployed and is forced to live off of J.T's security guard salary. Our advice to Victoria: as tempting as it may be to leave the dead shark's bloody head of the Damien Hirst's piece in Adam's bed, sell it fast. With your standard of living, you will need the cash. Nicholas, on the other hand, got the short end of the stick given that he inherited a building in a Midwestern town where real estate is as cheap as...well...real estate in a Midwestern town. We reckon there is always their trust funds, whatever that may amount to. God forbid any of us would want Genoa City's Finest (GCF) to be penniless, struggling to meet basic needs such as putting food on the table and a roof over their heads. Far from it. Having achieved a higher level on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, they can get to the business at hand of unnecessarily complicating their lives: a far more entertaining prospect indeed.

What's in a name.
So we learned the etymology of the great man's name this week, and it is not pretty. Victor is because he will always win, you know, he is the "victor". And Newman is because he reinvented himself after having grown up in an orphanage (if we have to hear one more time about that damn orphanage...you got that???), so he became a NEW MAN. Get it? Wow. Clever. And ridiculous. And oh yeah, idiotic too.

Questions of the week.
1. What exactly does Paul have in his briefcase? A mini bar? A collection of tanning creams? Cocaine? We have belabored this point to death, but Paul's briefcase is probably one of the more interesting and enigmatic characters on the show: shiny, metallic, and well, distracting. Did Paul choose this briefcase because it is distracting? Given this logic then, what could Paul be hiding? Perhaps someone should be investigating Paul for a change. The hunter becomes the hunted: the ultimate paradox.
2. Is it just us, or do people not seem that busted up about Victor's death? With the fall of the great Zeus you'd think there would have been more drama: lightening bolts, earth quakes, plagues, human sacrifices, the works. Instead, we got a drunken Nikki in a Mexican bar: somehow it doesn't have the same punch.
3. Is Adam's concern with all things green (given the green line of cosmetics he is trying to plug at Newman), brought into question with his flying in a 6 course meal on the private jet for Heather from a restaurant in Brussels?
4. Does it bother Neil that neither of his children are actually his?
5. Did Nikki really sneak off the plane to stay in Mexico to find Victor, or was it because of the cheap and free flowing tequila?

Wish of the week.
1. That Victor returns and is not dead. Not for the reasons one may be thinking, but rather so Nikki can start wearing make-up again. We had to endure weeks of her sans maquillage when Victoria was in coma. Haven't we suffered enough?
2. That they are really not going to have us believe that Chloe is Esther's daughter? And if she is, what will style maven Chloe think of her mother's degrading and unfashionable maid uniform?

Alcohol Saves the Day in Genoa City

2008-08-25T19:25:00.009-07:00

Excessive alcohol use, a thematic thread that has run throughout the Young and the Restless for decades, is about the only thing holding our interest these days, as clearly, being drunk is when Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are the most engaging. Nikki is by far leading the pack with her episode-long drunken soliloquy (with Catherine Chancellor as her audience of one via cell phone call from a sleazy Mexican bar), after learning that Victor is presumed dead. Entering into Y&R's drunk acting hall of fame, Nikki rambled on about the wonders of Victor Newman without a single thought as to what the roaming fees of a day long conversation from Mexico to Genoa City would cost her. Next up is Noah, who (most likely looking for a way to alleviate the stress of turning from 11 years old to 15 years old in one summer) was caught stealing beer out of Victor's poolside beer fridge. Unfortunately for us, we were not granted a drunken performance from this newly matured Noah as Nick caught him before his lips had a chance to touch Satan's nectar... but it did get us thinking: Why is that beer fridge even there? Have we ever seen Victor knock back a cool one poolside? Never. Too busy yelling and belittling those around him, we reckon. Although, recently Victor too has succumbed to this ever popular vice. Since Sabrina's death, he has become "Hard-Drinking Victor" (new action figure to add to the collection), with even an army of tequila shots unable to penetrate his Teflon exterior. Cane's relationship with alcohol is a never-ending source of amusement as this man, who is touted as the ultimate male on the show, can't hold his liquor to save his life. Lest we forget Mrs. C, the quintessential drunken matriarch whose histrionics cannot be topped by anyone. (Like an old estranged friend, we pray for "Drunk Catherine's" return). Neil has also battled alcoholism, although, he wins for being the most uninteresting drunk on the show; Daniel's drinking killed Cassie as well as had him bed Amber for the first time (or was it that insane hairdo he was sporting at the time that made him do it?);Phillip Chancellor died in a drunken car accident...need we go on? What is the message then kids? Alcohol is bad. Very bad indeed. But it also makes you a more interesting and engaging person. At least it does in Genoa City.

Paul turns to porn.
Victor's death would be devastating to Paul, and not in that I- liked -you -and- will -miss -you- now- that- you- are- gone kind of way, but more so in that holy-crap-you-are-my-only paying-client kind of way. Without Victor hiring Paul to execute elaborate, high- billing international man hunts and investigations into kidnappings of various family members, Paul is seriously screwed. Thankfully, there is always Paul's backup career in porn, lest we forget his days as a centerfold (as hard as we try, sadly, we are unable...).

We are family. All my overly attentive brothers and me.
Who knew having a brother or sister could be so much fun? Well, when Devon Hamilton is your brother (and in this case, a brother from the same mother), the sky is the limit. Just think, with Devon as your brother, you too could have peanut butter and jelly sandwich making contests (what praytell would constitute winning in such a contest we ask?)! Endless games of War, hands down the most boring card game in existence! Inappropriate tickle fights! Being called the always imaginative nickname for a person who is smaller that you: "Squirt"! And writing insipid songs together!

If this relationship doesn't drive Ana to join her crack mother of a ho on the streets, we don't know what will.

Questions of the week.
1. What will happen to the Newman Gallery of Contemporary Art now that Sabrina is gone? Where will the stuffed sheep and shark in a tank go? Will they be housed alongside Victor's portrait in his office?
2. Is it just us, or is it a bit of a stretch to believe that Nicholas is as bent out of shape about his father's disappearance as he is, given a week ago he hated the guy, had nothing to do with him, and has been cut out of the will?
3. Please remind us why we should give a shit that Tyra is not Ana's mother?
4. Which century does Jill live in for her to think that Cane's having a baby out of wedlock would constitute a "scandal" for Jabot?
5. Should a presumed dead Victor really be a major concern for Nikki considering that Victor is virtually indestructible (you go that?!)? We believe that a much bigger concern for Nikki should be the fact that she is a rich gringa alone in a small Mexican village completely blasted out of her mind.
6. When the photographer was shooting Lily this week for Jabot, what exactly does his direction of: "Give me Restless angst" and "Give me Restless passion", supposed to look like?

Wish of the week.
1. Neil shaves his goatee, and Devon gets rid of his soul patch. Stop tyring to be what you are not. You are not"groovy", or "fringe". You are lifeless cardboard cutouts who are trying to portray something you are not by the way that you manscape. There. We said it.
2. Victoria and her creepy clown smile never graces the cover of Restless Style again.
3. Nikki introduces pills to her new alcohol diet to really get this party started.

Drag Queens, Murderers and Pot Brownies: Another Summer in Genoa City

2008-08-18T16:58:00.017-07:00

Being away from Genoa for the last 6 weeks was an exercise in ambivalence indeed. On the one hand, it was great to get away from the slithering pit of obsessive, navel-gazing, hypocrites that inhabit this great backwater, but then again, that is precisely why we missed it. Our covert operation as camp cook at Noah's camp was a success: we witnessed Noah blossom from boy to man in a mere 8 weeks ( it's amazing how a summer at camp can age you). How Noah managed to age 6 years in a matter of weeks, is a mystery to us, but now he is of the far more interesting age where one can be officially sexually active (god help us), have addictions, and back stab people like all of the other adults that populate his world. Let's hope the "let's- placate-Noah-routine" by all of the guilt-ridden adults in his life will subside with this "new and improved" Noah. And while we're on the topic of improving Noah...maybe they can do something about his name. I mean, Noah? Come on.

Admittedly, we were shocked to see Sabrina and David killed off in such an unimaginative way as a car crash. Besides, when we were in Paris this summer (after visiting Noah's camp), we were looking forward to seeing Victor and Sabrina as they also had a vacation planned there. We did go to the Pompidou Centre (where Sabrina was the curator) and strangely enough, they had never heard of her. Tres interessant indeed.

(Un) Able & Cane.
I guess congratulations are in order to Cane for his appointment as CEO of Jabot. Being the CEO of a major international cosmetics firm is impressive indeed, especially for an Aussie guy with a grade 9 education who grew up in the outback and whose sphere of knowledge revolves around rugby, drinking beer and bartending. But then again nepotism runs rampant like a venereal disease in old GC, so why should we be surprised? Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Cane is once again tricked into marrying a woman (Amber managed to do it only a year ago), this time by Chloe who managed to steal him away from his child-bride, Lily. Both incidents involved him being bombed out of his mind. CEO material? We think not. Let's face it. This guy is a dumb ass. He should stick to what he knows best: embellishing an Aussie accent, drinking beer, dating underage girls and wearing offensively tight shirts.

Divine Intervention.
Tracey Abbott made an appearance this week doing what she does best: impersonating beloved drag queen, Divine (albeit unintentionally). She and Brad bemoan the appointment of Jill's son to the Abbott legacy, but what Brad was really thinking throughout this exchange with his ex-wife was: "God...I slept with this woman?" And lest we forget Brad's early years as a pool/joy boy, sleeping his way to the top, starting his quest with the original low-self esteem girl, Tracy Abbott.

Friendsh*t.
Let's face it. Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are horrible people. And horrible people make for horrible friends. Case in point, Colleen's active pursuit and eventual seduction of her best friend's ex-husband is shameful. And how about Chloe and Amber as BFF? Does Amber not care that Chloe is actively pursuing her ex-husband? Perhaps our expectations are far too high for these people. Realistically, with a population of 20, who the hell are they supposed to sleep with anyway?

And yes, friendship takes many forms in Genoa City. Take Amber and Mrs. C. for example. What does a billionaire octogenarian have in common with a white trash ho from rural Nevada? The appeal for Amber is obvious, as such a friend comes with many monetary benefits, but for Mrs. C? The only thing we can surmise is that Mrs. C. has finally found someone who has slept with more men than she has (despite Amber being 1/4 of her age...quite a feat for Amber), allowing her to safely brag about her conquests without judgment. And brag she does. Speaking of which: Please stop, Catherine. You are scaring us.

Everybody must get stoned.
The best thing, hands down, about Jana and Kevin's wedding (except for the fact that it is finally over), were the pot brownies served at their Ashram venue. Daniel, stoned out of his mind, could hardly contain himself as "River"(formerly Alex P. Keaton's father from 80s sit-com, Family Ties...sad, but true) married Kevin-remember-when-I-used -to -prey-on-underage-girls-online Fisher, and Jana-my-brain-tumor-made-me-kill Hawks. We think a little more brownie and a lot less of Gina's lasagna would do well for GCF indeed, and consequently for us as well.

Dialogue of the week.

Michael to Lauren: Do you realize that both of my parents are murderers?

Now how many people can claim that? A pedigree to be proud of, Michael.
What Michael forgot to add of course, is that his wife is also a murderer for having killed Sheila Carter, and that his new sister-in-law can claim a a similar title for having killed Carmen Mesta. How long before baby Fenmore takes his turn at bat?

Y&R Action figures revisited.
Victor's new role as a tequila drinking, Spanish speaking runaway lends itself to new additions to the existing Y&R action figure collection. For those of you new to this collection, here is a description from an earlier post:

Think about the possibilities. Collect them all. Esther in her maid outfit. Larry Warton with his wife-beater singlet and tool set (sold separately), Colleen 1,2 and 3, Devon and his cochlear implant (sold separately), Noah complete with smoothie, Zappato carrying a shoe, Miguel carrying Victor's slippers. The Victor doll would be the most coveted. It would come with removable "masks" that would illustrate the complexity of his character: Angry Victor, Sad Victor, Remorseful Victor, etc. The box would read: "He yells! He mumbles! He cries! He skywrites messages! He flower arranges! He assaults people! He dials in his performance!

Reader April's list of possible accessories for the Victor doll is impressive: removable eyeglasses, pitcher and water glasses, window with blinds on stand, portrait of himself, file folders with the Newman Enterprises and Clear Springs logos, anti-seizure medication vial, President's chair, trousers with change in the pockets, punching bag on stand, black tank top, cellphone with "You're Still the One" as Nikki's ringtone, and basketball and hoop. Given the upcoming holiday is approaching, one reader suggested a Christmas edition Victor where one could purchase his snowflake collection with miniature scissors and a drawer to hide them in. For a more high-tech effect, reader Paula, suggested a figure with Victor pointing his finger and a voice that says, "You got that????!!!!"

New additions to the collection would have Runaway Victor, sporting black t-shirt, black baseball hat, over sized jeans, and when you pull his string, mumbles in Spanish, "entiende eso, señor!!!???" (you got that, mister!!!???). Tequila bottle and shot glass sold separately.

Stayed tuned for Kung Fu Victor as he is about to kick Walter's ass.

Questions of the week.
1. Was it not strange to see Kevin show up at Jana's stag and strip for her with his mother present?

Camp Go-Away

2008-07-11T20:55:00.004-07:00

Our apologies for our unexplained absence. We were extremely concerned for Noah's emotional well-being after he was shipped off to camp by his neglectful parents for 8 long weeks, so we decided that we would take it upon ourselves to go and make sure that he was doing ok. We have therefore found a job as a camp cook, undercover as it were, to make sure that he and his friend Sam aren't in the outhouse doing meth together, or lighting things on fire. We shall return mid-August when Noah himself returns to the lair of horrible people that is his life in Genoa City.

The Devil Went Down to Genoa (June 16-20)

2008-06-23T17:29:00.014-07:00

Genoa City's Finest (GCF) gorge on another serving of family dysfunction this week, catapulting themselves into the category of family malfunction. Sabrina's marriage to Victor complicates the already vastly complex entity that is the Newman family as she is now stepmother to her best friend, Victoria, (and wonders why her best friend doesn't want to call her "mommy"). Likewise, she is now "mom" to Victor's estranged son, Adam, as well as to Nick who is only about 3 years her junior. Lest we forget her role as stepmother to stolen- sperm-turned-Abby-Abbott -Carlton-Newman, as well as her duties as step-grandmother to the growing retinue of Victor's grandchildren. The question is: will Victoria send Sabrina a mother's day card? Has it occurred to anyone that Victoria's best friend's baby will not only be her new sibling, but will also be her child's aunt or uncle? Is Genoa City actually not in Wisconsin as everyone thinks, but rather in the Ozarks? Gawd. No wonder Al Quaeda hates us so much.

Victor tells Adam (only now?) about his test-tube conceived half sister, Abby, and proudly explains that she "calls [Brad] 'dad', and me, 'Victor' ". Not something we would choose to boast about. Adam's manages to choke out a "that's very modern" response, but what we all know is he really wants to say - and would never dare to do so at risk of being cut out of the will - is:"that's really f$#@ed up".

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Chloe seems to be the only one with any life amongst the corpses that litter her life (so what if it's because of alcohol) as Devon, Cane, Lily and Neil (just to name a few) make the zombies from The Night of The Living Dead look like Las Vegas showgirls. As is the case with Gloria, the only people who seem to be the least bit engaging are those that drink until they are drunk. Lesson learned kids.

The Devil Went Down to Genoa.
The devil incarnate has descended upon GCF, and has taken the form of a hairless, square- jawed, vacuous mortal by the name of Brad Carlton. Beelzebub , or perhaps, Beelzebrad does what Satan does best: spreads lies and wreaks havoc on the souls of mankind, or in this case David Chow. In the Garden of Eden that is Genoa City, Beelzebrad tempts
David-my mouth-is-too-small-for-my-face-but-that-is-the-least-of-my-
concerns-Chow with the poison apple of gambling. David bites, and is expelled from the paradise of Nikki's bosom (Although this was David's choice as he considers himself no longer worthy). Then again, if we had a choice between Las Vegas and Nikki, unfortunately Vegas would win out as well.

Dialogue of the week.
When Sabrina's mother realizes that Sabrina has no one she knows coming to her wedding, she consoles her with:

"How embarrassing for you".

Not the best bed side manner, our mommy dearest, but in a way Sabrina deserves it. She should be embarrassed, in fact ashamed , that she has not one person she knows coming to her wedding, and who better to tell her of this fact (playing into the family dysfunction theme) than her own mother?

Questions of the week.
1. Is Sabrina's gauche overbearing mother just a recycled version of Lauren's? Is it a coincidence that they both appeared, uninvited, to their respective daughter's weddings, and caused endless tension? Coincidence? Or Laziness on part of the writers?

Could Hell Be Other People? (June 9-13)

2008-06-14T21:42:00.013-07:00

In Jean-Paul Sartre's play, No Exit, he envisioned a hell consisting of, quite simply, a few people stuck in a room together for eternity. His back drop for hell was not the usual fire and brimstone chaos, but rather, an opulent salon, decorated in the finest of second empire motifs (not at all unlike that of Katherine Chancellor's or the Abbott manor for that matter). It is this notion of the company that you keep that can be hell that intrigues us, and thus Sartre's quote: "Other people are hell", could easily be an anthem for Genoa City's Finest (GCF). They are each other's hell, trapped in one big salon that is Genoa City. Nowhere to escape to, they mirror each other's flaws and shortcomings, and the most unfortunate part is that we are (voluntarily!) trapped alongside them, and for that, we are the biggest fools of all.

Another Father's day rolls around in Genoa City and its denizens celebrate once again the hell of their fractured relationships with their own fathers. Therefore we here at It Never Ends thought we would seize the opportunity to revisit a previous post (Feb. 11) that gave tribute to Genoa City's deadbeat dads (or perhaps: GCWF-Genoa City's Worst Fathers):

"Victor Jr., nails it right on the head after learning that Victor is his father. He asks Hope: "What kind of man stays away from his own son?" The answer? A Genoa City man. And thus Victor, Paul, Jack, and Danny have all made a point of showing little or no interest in their son's lives. Victor not knowing that his son went to Harvard and currently works on Wall St. is perplexing, as is Paul's lack of involvement in his son Ricky's life (especially considering he is currently dealing with the fallout of the lifelong neglect of his daughter, Heather). Then there's Jack, a man who definitely adheres to the "stay away from your son philosophy", as he never even mentions the son he shares with Diane Jenkins. Next up? Danny Romalotti, who "raised" Daniel by shipping him off to boarding schools while he toured the world spreading musical mediocrity. And where is he now when his son is in such dire need of hairstyle advice? Finally, Malcolm recently learns that he is in fact Lily's father, and as he is currently M.I.A, indicates that he does not give a you-know-what about his daughter. It is apparent that child neglect or rather, child forget, is simply an accepted social norm in Genoa City."

A few months later, we can now add that Victor will be trying his hand at being a father, yet again, as Sabrina announced that she is pregnant (not bad for a guy approaching 70 who's had a vasectomy). Will Victor be able to break the cycle as absentee father? (Nick and Victoria were shipped away to boarding school at a young age, and as adults have been replaced for a newer, younger family; Victor Jr. didn't come onto Victor's radar until a dying, blind, Hope made Victor promise to take some interest in his son's life, and Abby, the result of stolen sperm, is a perennial afterthought). His newest "crotch-dropping", won't have a chance either, because of Victor's advanced age, Victor will be dead before the child makes it to his or her tenth birthday. Way to go Victor. Go treat yourself to a hot dog, you father of the year you.

Webster's Dictionary for the Mentally Challenged.
Amber, underrated as both a scholar and wordsmith describes her "designs" (which are from what we can see shirts worn without a bottom), as "swedgy". The definition:

Swedgy: Swank and edgy.

Huh.

Karen, driver of the sane train.
Karen seems to be the only one with any sense. We would venture to say, more than any one we've ever seen on the show before. So much sense, in fact, that she left Neil, and got the hell out of Genoa City altogether. She even begged off of Neil's marriage proposal, and criticized him for "rushing in". Finally, someone is calling GCF on their favorite pastime: rushing to the alter. Everyone is always in such a damn hurry... almost as much of a hurry as they are to get out of the same marriage only weeks later. They are a fickle bunch our GCF, and Karen wants to have none of it. In fact, she prefers the world of romance novels to this hell on middle earth, and that's certainly not saying much.

Moment of the week.
When Kevin got snubbed by Katy Perry. Kevin's suggestion that "they all hang out together", was met with blank stares. Poor Kevin. Someone needs some cool lessons. Fast.

Questions of the Week.
1. What happened to Kay's memoirs? Did she realize as she sifted through the debris that is her memory, what a truly horrible person she is, forcing her to abandon the project altogether?
2. Discovering that Michael's father was a draft dodger and that he could be in Canada, will they have to consult a map in order to find out where Canada actually is?
3. Does Sabrina seem like she could have been a man at one time? Or perhaps just a younger version of Cher?

Trivialze the trivial.
Eric Braeden's (aka Victor Newman) real name is Hans Jörg Gudegast. We here at It Never Ends are overjoyed to have made this discovery.