It Sucks to be Hugh

Gary Carter

2012-02-17T11:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my favorite baseball player of all time passed away.

Gary Carter via Getty Images

Gary Carter played for the Montreal Expos (a team that later moved and became the Washington Nationals) from 1974-84, and his best years were spent with the New York Mets from 1985-89, where he helped Dwight Gooden develop into one of the most dominant pitchers in the history of baseball, and he had the first hit in what's probably the most famous rally comeback in all of sports, in the tenth inning of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. Yep, that's the one where the ball trickled through Bill Buckner's legs.

I can't say why or how Gary Carter came onto my radar, but it was when he was with the Expos. He was already my favorite player when he hit a home run in the 1984 All-Star Game, which earned him that year's All Star Game MVP. I wasn't happy when he was traded to the Mets, because the Expos were my favorite team--I liked their hat. But Gary quickly took to the Mets, and so did I.

That Mets team was the world's worst nightmare: a frat house with fuck-you talent. In addition to Gary and "Doc" Gooden, they had Darryl Strawberry, Keith Hernandez, Lenny Dykstra, Howard Johnson, Ray Knight, Mookie Wilson, Wally Backman, Kevin Mitchell, Ron Darling, Sid Fernandez, and Roger McDowell (and that's off the top of my head). There's a great book about the 1986 season, called The Bad Guys Won.

But Gary, whose nickname was "The Kid," didn't really fit in with that team. He was a diehard believer in sportsmanship--such a nice guy that it pissed the other players off. I really liked that about him. I think I saw him as one of those 1980's heroes that was threatened by his own morality, like Superman or--I dunno, Lucas.

Baseball was a much different sport back then. This is before the strike that ended the season, before steroids destroyed the game's integrity, and before athletes became salary whores. There was a big controversy during the 1986 playoffs surrounding an Astros pitcher named Mike Scott, who had a crazy pitch called the split-finger fastball. Folks swore he had to be scuffing the ball. They wanted to check his pockets for sandpaper. Times were simpler back then--all you had to believe was your eyes.

My friends and I were collectors. We moved from comics to baseball cards to action figures (even M.U.S.C.L.E.S.) When we were on baseball cards, I went nuts finding every edition of Gary Carter--which was both difficult and expensive at that time. My buddies wanted the mythical Dwight Gooden rookie card from the Fleer Update Set, or Jose Canseco rookies or Mark McGwire Olympic cards--and I did too--but my most prized possession, the top pages of my binder, were my Gary Carter cards.

When I made the cut for our high school baseball team in my sophomore year, I did it in Gary's model--with sportsmanship. I wasn't a great player--in fact, I'm fairly certain I shouldn't have even been on the team--but I only missed one practice in three years, and that was when I had to visit the campus of my future college. I wore Gary's number, 8, even though the jersey was a bit tight. And I played first base, which was Gary's back-up position. I have a great story about that (I have stories about everything), but I'll tell it another time.

I tried to go to every game when Gary visited my hometown Phillies at Veteran's Stadium--both the Expos and the Mets were National League East rivals, so my favoritism was always contentious. Anyway, I saw him hit a bunch of home runs. And someone gave me a baseball with his autograph. But I never met the guy. In those days, there was no direct route--no Facebook or Twitter--and I had no interest in sending a letter to a PR team that would return a black and white photo with a stamped signature. In retrospect, it seems sad that Gary never knew he had such a big fan in a rival city.

Gary slipped off my radar when he retired from baseball after a brief return stint to the Expos. I heard that the Expos retired his number, and he got into the Hall of Fame, and that he was doing TV analysis for the Florida Marlins. But by then, I was across the country in Los Angeles.

And let's face it, my relationship with him was on the field. But the great thing about Gary was that he valued that relationship enough to make sure that he never did anything off the field to disappoint me.

I remember reading last year that he'd been diagnosed with brain cancer and the prognosis was grim. Yesterday I got the sudden barrage of texts that can only mean a bad thing has happened. My childhood friends were letting me know that Gary had passed. And hearing about him made them inevitably think of me.

I'm proud about that last part.

If there's a sports icon to be identified with, you couldn't do much better than Gary Carter, a true sportsman.

Here's to Gary. Thanks for being a great childhood hero.

The Wolves Are Out Of The Bag!

2012-01-18T15:17:00.000-08:00

I've launched the official site of my novel, with just a couple tidbits of info--the logo and the book's back cover. There will be plenty more to share in the upcoming weeks, including more artwork, sample chapters, details on a companion project and more!

What are you waiting for?

The Lost Art of Shitting in the Right Place

2011-12-06T21:59:00.000-08:00

My gift to you today:

If, in this moment in your life, you don't have to try to convince anything to shit in the right place, take a moment to appreciate it. Really, breathe deep and enjoy it.

I've had to try to convince things to shit in the right place since I got my dog in 1997. Lots of love during those years, but I don't think I appreciated how valuable it truly was to not have to try to convince anything to shit in the right place.

Maybe I'm just broken. Maybe it's because I've been trying since 1997 and I have never convinced anything to shit in the right place. In this endeavor, I've been a total and complete failure. I'm batting .000. Zero point zero.

Now that I think about it, I'm surprised I've convinced myself to shit in the right place. I wonder how I haven't gotten confused. Or just flat-out refused. I've had to clean up everything else's shit, I guess I might as well try my own some time.

Anyway.

If, like me, you're in a phase in your life where you do have to try to convince things to shit in the right place, just know that I'm there with you. Maybe we'll get through this together.

Or maybe we'll just clean up more shit.

I'm Blogging at the Huffington Post

2011-10-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

Yep, here I am posting on my blog that I'm posting on another blog. Narcissism, anyone?

Every couple weeks I'll be contributing to the Huffington Post's culture section, specifically in the Geek Like Me series. You can find an archive of my material here, or in the toolbar above.

Robot Chicken Figure Charity Sweepstakes

2011-08-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: The contest is over. Thanks to everyone who entered!

My cousin Jill is running a half Ironman race on October 2, 2011, as a member of team DetermiNation, whose function is to raise money for the American Cancer Society.

Personally, I decided she was off her rocker before I even looked up what a half Ironman race was--and now I'm quite certain that she's certifiably batshit. Follow me here: it's a 1.2 mile swim...I can't remember the last time I even walked 1.2 miles...followed by a whatthefuck 56 mile bike ride...and then (then!) a 13.1 mile run. I don't get this way of life at all, folks--I have a policy not to run unless someone is chasing me, and even then I'll likely take breaks every fifty feet or so to try and negotiate or set-up overnight camp. But Jill is my cousin, and I guess...well, she's my cousin. Beyond that, I can't vouch for her sanity.

She does have a legitimate cause for this sadism, though. Her sister Michelle (Cousin Shelley to me) has been battling breast cancer for three years. It looked like she'd beaten it, but this summer we found out it's back, and it has spread. The whole Sterbaclan is in this fight with Shelley, and we'd appreciate your prayers.

But we'd rather have your money!

And check this out--I happen to have a really spiffy action figure burning a hole in my metaphorical pocket.

It was constructed by the esteemed Robot Chicken puppeteers. This isn't a particularly special figure--in fact, it was a castaway that I brought along on my toy hunts to compare scale. But he's pretty darn cool. I mean, as you can see, he's wearing a dapper suit. And you can get him naked to see how the geniuses (geniuii?) in the RC toy department use wire amatures to mimic Mego-style 10" figures. Or you can just get him naked. It's your thing. Do whatcha wanna do.

So here's how we exchange idols for whips: You pledge at least $10 to Jill's cause and you'll automatically be entered in a sweepstakes to win this action figure (don't call it a doll!). Enter as many times as you'd like, under as many names as you'd like. Cheat your ass off, 'cause cancer doesn't play fair, either. Make sure to mention that I sent you, so we know to put your name in the hat for the prize.

You can enter right up until Jill beats my personal swimming record of approximately 125 feet. That'd be October 2nd.

Thanks for the consideration, the prayers and the dough. I hope you win, and we all hope Shelley wins.

Oh, and it'd be really nice if Jill survives this cockamamie race, too.

Facebook Comments Box in Blogger

2011-06-29T01:11:00.000-07:00

One of the problems with re-opening It Sucks to Be Hugh is that I'll get sucked back into constantly playing with the blog's design. But, gotta say, few things in life are more satisfying than tinkering around with HTML and CSS and managing to accomplish something...particularly because I know very little about either of those languages. I can't write code, I can only steal it.

Tonight I managed to install this nifty Facebook comments box you'll find at the bottom of each post. Yeah, it's a little wonky that you can't combine the Facebook comments with the Blogger comments, but I figure most folks will comment through Facebook. Or maybe nobody will comment. Maybe I'm whistling in a tornado.

If you're curious as to how I accomplished this astounding feat, the simple guide is at J.S. Blog Stop. I'm sure they've got some other cool Blogger stuff there as well. Check it out, and blog merrily.

I'm Having a Baby in Nine Weeks and Still Don't Know Her Name

2011-06-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

The above is true, no matter how much it sounds like the title of a Judy Blume book.

Among the names I've been offered, or suggested to Lisa, or considered:

Garyetta Sterbakov
MannyGalan Ballys.com Sterbakov
Beyonce Sterbakov
Sterbakov Sterbakov
Dis Sterbakov
Baby To Be Named Later Sterbakov
Sophie's Sister Sterbakov
Little Sister Sterbakov
Mila Sterbakov
Lynda Carter Sterbakov
The Sequel
Oprah Sterbakov
Rocky Sterbakov
John's Roast Pork Sterbakov
Warlock Sterbakov
Magic the Gathering Sterbakov
McCounaghey Sterbakov
Sterbasquirt Sterbakov
Angrywife Sterbakov
Angrierwife Sterbakov
Lorelai Sterbakov
Diana Sterbakov
Leia Sterbakov
Jar Jar Sterbakov
Vengeance Sterbakov
Emmy Nominated Sterbakov
I Shit You Not Sterbakov
Devilbaby II Sterbakov
and one I really, really liked...
Bandit Sterbakov

I'm sure I'm forgetting at least 100. I know there's one that we boiled down to BBAS, but for the life of me I can't remember what that stood for.

EDIT: Lisa has informed me it was Beyonce by Attrition Sterbakov. Because that's the only name on our refrigerator list that hasn't been crossed out.

I'm open to suggestions, but I think I know what it's gonna be. Mind you, I've approved more than a dozen names (some of which are listed above). But this one is Lisa's call all the way. I got the middle name.

Come on, tho. Vengeance Sterbakov. FUCK and YES.

The Hell Am I Doing?

2011-06-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

I'm copying some of my rants from old Facebook posts and archiving them here. And I'm back-dating them to when they were originally posted, for context and anality that only I could understand, if I tried hard. If you're interested in p'roozin the new posts, they're in the Facebook Goodies category.

NY's Marriage Law: Welcome to Sanity

2011-06-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

From USA Today:
New York Legalizes Gay Marriage

I hate to get political on my blog, and I doubly hate that I haven't posted any legitimate comedy or complaining in who-knows-how-long and I'm breaking the dry streak with this. So I apologize in advance if this feels stale, boring or preachy.

I grew up in West Philadelphia, and went to a 50/50 black and white school where we were taught at length about the struggle for civil rights. As a kid learning these lessons, judging people based on their character seemed obvious, and it was a relief and a justice that overt segregation was behind us. And how far we've come...my generation grew up to produce the first black president.

So why is this kind of equality still such a struggle? Where does the fear come from that inspires people to forcefully hold others back, exploiting democracy to pass or uphold blatantly unjust laws? And worse, why are people so afraid that they're letting zealots tell them what to do and how to think, and voting to let this insanity continue?

Anyways, hurrah for this. There's a thriving gay population in my college town of Ithaca, NY. I hope some of those folks prosper from this, and bask in the glory of winning a massive battle just to have the same opportunities as everyone else. It's embarrassing that this is even in dispute, let alone that it took so long to win. Congrats, I guess.

May this lead the way to more folks coming to their senses. Let's get this shit rolling in California, and get back to talking about what's really important, like X-rays of Kim Kardashian's ass.

My Sucking Returns

2011-06-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

My blogging will resume in the coming weeks. It no longer sucks to be me, but that doesn't mean I can't still suck. Don't hold your breath for new posts, but don't be surprised when they arrive. I'm working on a lot of new and exciting things, and I can't wait to talk about them.

My home base has moved to a new location, which has the incredibly snazzy name of HughSterbakov.com.

See ya soon!

In the April issue of Hugh Sterbakov...

2011-04-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

Big announcement! In the April issue of Hugh Sterbakov, I'm going to die. That's right, I'm dead. It's true. The issue will be polybagged with four separate covers, and there will be media coverage and special balloons that can only be had when you purchase a Slurpee. More on this...

Hugh B. Sterbakov Because, y'know, this here is an ORIGINAL idea, and this writer is really impressive for having the nerve to pitch it, let alone ACTUALLY PULLING IT OFF.
April 12 at 11:07am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Because NOBODY WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT TO KILL OFF HUGH STERBAKOV IN HIS OWN COMIC!!!

April 12 at 11:08am

Hugh B. Sterbakov But anyway, I'm coming back.

April 12 at 11:08am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Well. Six versions of me are coming back.

April 12 at 11:08am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Yes. There will be no Hugh Sterbakov comic in May. But in June, there will be SIX.

April 12 at 11:08am

Christa Starr Wait... what?

April 12 at 11:09am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Hugh Sterbakov is Dead #1, Hugh Sterbakov is Not Dead #1, Hugh Sterbakov May Be Dead #1, Hugh Sterbakov was Dead #1, Hugh Sterbakov--Remember Me #1 (a very special issue you should cherish) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Hugh Sterbakovs #1.

April 12 at 11:09am

Hugh B. Sterbakov All of these quasi-Hugh Sterbakovs will try to go about their lives and re-integrate with Hugh Sterbakov's life, but something is not right.

April 12 at 11:10am

Hugh B. Sterbakov And so, in July--a major crossover event, for which you WILL NOT BE PREPARED.

April 12 at 11:10am

Hugh B. Sterbakov That's right, suckas. We're going to war.

April 12 at 11:10am

Hugh B. Sterbakov And everyone is going to take sides.

April 12 at 11:10am

Hugh B. Sterbakov War of the Hugh Sterbakovs.

April 12 at 11:11am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Yes, you and everyone else will choose a Hugh Sterbakov, and you will fight for them. How do you fight? You buy Slurpees.

April 12 at 11:11am

Hugh B. Sterbakov If you buy enough, you will become a zombie.

April 12 at 11:11am

Hugh B. Sterbakov And then one of the Hugh Sterbakovs will eat you.

April 12 at 11:11am

Christa Starr LISA! Help! Hugh's melting down!!!

April 12 at 11:11am

Hugh B. Sterbakov And then you will enter another world. Hugh Sterbakov Prime.

April 12 at 11:11am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Oh, you don't think I can keep going?

April 12 at 11:11am

Christa Starr I'm sure you can...

April 12 at 11:12am

Christa Starr but if you stop... I'll buy you a cookie!

April 12 at 11:12am

Hugh B. Sterbakov So, now we have the battle for Hugh Sterbakov Prime, and that's going to unite all of the Hugh Sterbakovs, and their zombie armies, and they'll have to do battle with the one, ultimate Hugh Sterbakov: He Who Shall Be Girth.

April 12 at 11:12am

Hugh B. Sterbakov That will launch an 8-part miniseries. Each issue of which will be polybagged, with special covers that you can't see yet, because you can't know how they turn out.

April 12 at 11:13am

Hugh B. Sterbakov No, don't be ridiculous. Hugh Sterbakov is not coming back to life. You're just a jaded, cynical fanboy and you should shut up and let us do our art. And you owe us $3.99 for each of these issues. Shut up and pay.

April 12 at 11:13am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Each issue of The War for Hugh Sterbakov will tie into the comic books of other people that you don't care about. Like Seth Green and Mila Kunis. Nobody cares about them.

April 12 at 11:14am

Hugh B. Sterbakov But now you have to buy their comics.

April 12 at 11:14am

Hugh B. Sterbakov And yeah, as you would have expected, they're not so good.

April 12 at 11:15am

Christa Starr But... I will save them all in my longboxes for 20 years, hoping they increase in value.

April 12 at 11:16am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Then again, neither, really, is Hugh Sterbakov. But you have to keep buying. Because otherwise, you wouldn't be able to continue the experience with this character that you used to love, back when competent people who really cared were putting together the stories. And when ideas mattered because they were neat and creative. Not because they were polybagged.

April 12 at 11:16am

Hugh B. Sterbakov We're not going to announce what happens at the end of the War for Hugh Sterbakov. I've lost count, but I think that will end sometime next spring. Let's just say that when it's over, Hugh Sterbakov will be as you've never seen him before.

April 12 at 11:16am

Hugh B. Sterbakov And so, we're going to re-hash and re-tell all of the Hugh Sterbakov stories you love.

April 12 at 11:17am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Except this time they're going to suck.

April 12 at 11:17am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Not because the people writing them suck.

April 12 at 11:17am

Hugh B. Sterbakov But because they're unoriginal and uninspired.

April 12 at 11:17am

Hugh B. Sterbakov And nobody can come up with anything new. Because everyone knows that original ideas can't sell.

April 12 at 11:18am

Christa Starr Oh Hugh, what have they done to you?

April 12 at 11:18am

Hugh B. Sterbakov I guess?

April 12 at 11:18am

Hugh B. Sterbakov So anyway, yeah, I'm totally going to die and you have to believe that it's true or you suck.

April 12 at 11:18am

Hugh B. Sterbakov Because there's no way in the world that I suck.

April 12 at 11:19am

Hugh B. Sterbakov And I know that because they're making a movie out of me.

April 12 at 11:19am

Hugh B. Sterbakov And you can see a preview of it.

April 12 at 11:19am

Hugh B. Sterbakov If only you buy a Slurpee.

April 12 at 11:19am

Christa Starr ‎/cry

April 12 at 11:19am

David Cohen It sounds like Hugh is going to be polybagged. Ruh-roh!

April 12 at 11:22am

Paul H. Kim How many slurpees did you have this morning? I need a slurpee to read all 51 comments. You know they have a new slurpee flavor, blue lightning blast. Haven't tried peach dragon fruit slurpee, but anything with a dragon in it sounds cool. Sounds like you've gone slurpee silly.

April 12 at 12:08pm

Fritz Von Erich Is there a coin at the bottom of the Slurpee cup?

April 12 at 12:10pm

Lisa Rohr Sterbakov So this is what happens when you're properly hydrated?

April 12 at 12:17pm

Hugh B. Sterbakov LOL. Paul--I think blue lightning blast is from THOR. Point proven?

April 12 at 12:44pm

Rocco Mark Pic Salvatore Wow.

April 12 at 1:11pm

Paul H. Kim I think so. Are you saying you're the new Jesus and we should follow your testimony through your comics and that the six hughs are really the trinity, x's 2? Ok, yeah, Thor makes sense.

April 12 at 1:22pm

Robert Taylor This character does not interest me enough to invest all that time and money.

May 3 at 8:29pm

Angioplasty or Guns N' Roses?

2009-08-20T23:07:00.000-07:00

One time I did this Facebook quiz, and I thought my level of frustration should be captured for posterity. If you've been dreaming of reading a Hughish meltdown over the course of 100 questions, your time has finally come...

The Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.
You have to tag the person who tagged you.

WHAT WAS YOUR
1. last beverage: Arnold Palmer
2. last phone call: Seth
3. last text message: Gary for poker
4. last song you listened to: Dream Warriors
5. last time you cried: July 31

HAVE YOU EVER
6. dated someone twice: Dated someone 20 times
7. been cheated on: Hell yes, see above
8. kissed someone & regretted it: Not really. Immediately afterward I might have, but in the long run every kiss is worth remembering.
9. lost someone special: Yes
10. been depressed: More than I've earned
11. been drunk and threw up: Yes, but not in almost 20 years

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Red
13. Black
14. Grey

THIS YEAR (2009) HAVE YOU
15. Made a new friend: Yes
16. Fallen out of love: No
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes
18. Met someone who changed you: Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were: That sounds cataclysmic. I don't have friends who aren't true friends. They're called business associates.
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Everybody talks about me. I'm cool like dat.
21. Been to a concert?: Going to a concert Saturday. Ozzy, baby. Also saw Gym Class Heroes at the RC Skate thing.

GENERAL
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life: Probably about half.
24. Do you have any pets: Just lost my fat buddy.
25. Do you want to change your name: Yes. I'd like you to call me Matthew McCounaghey.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Ate tons.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Recovering from packing for our move and watching Isolation with Bill. Horror movie about a mutated cow's fetus' fetus. Yes.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Tron Legacy.
30. Last time you saw your Mother: 1992
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I'd like to think more clearly. Oh, and I'd like to look like Matthew McCounaghey. Then you could smirk and mock me while I play the bongos and smoke my money away.
32. What are you listening to right now: South Park.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: That dude on MySpace. I told him I would not be his friend.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: Lack of clarity.
35. Most visited webpage: AICN or WoW.com
37. Current best friend: Sophie
38. Relationship Status: Married
39. Zodiac sign: Leo
40. He or She? Is this a question?
41. Elementary?: Lamberton
42. Middle School: Lamberton
43. High School/College: Lamberton/Ithaca College/UCLA
44. Hair color: Brown. Well, rapidly flesh colored...
45. Long or short: Dude who wrote this quiz seems to have run out of the passion for it. He started out asking clear, introspective questions, and has now reduced it to one-word barks that aren't even clear. First there was "Elementary?:", as if "?:" is the way to ask a question. Now he's offering me a multiple choice question with two adjectives and no noun. I'm going to assume from context he's asking me about my hair, and respond with, "This is Facebook, bitch. Look at my picture."
46. Height: 6' 4"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? Lynda Carter eternally.
48: What do you like about yourself? Wow, doesn't everyone want to know the answer to this? Let me think... I cook a mean Boughl Sauce.
49. Piercings: Don't believe in them. I don't take voluntary needles. And if you do, we have a fundamental difference in our outlook. For the cheap seats: Pain=bad.
50. Tattoos: See above. Plus... have you seen what tattoos look like on old, flabby skin? Someday you're gonna be playing shuffleboard or Bridge in an old-age home, and you're gonna shit yourself, and when the hot young nurse comes to change your diaper she's going to see your pierced penis and your "Mom" tattoo just above your pube line, and there's not going to be any recourse. That's one more hot nurse you'll never bed. And by then, you'll really, REALLY need it.
51. Righty or lefty: Dude, get off your fat ass and bother with a noun. I'm righty. Lefties, as I've said before, are poopyheads and they bump my arm at the dinner table. Except Lisa DiFilippo. She just bumps my arm at the dinner table.

FIRSTS
52. First surgery: Hernia ON my 16th birthday. You got to drive. I got anasthesia. Almost set my hair on fire eating my birthday cake with a still-burning candle while still hopped up on pain meds. Why? Because you asked!
53. First piercing: Now what I want you to do, my man, is take that sharp ass needle and then shove it through my skin. Then, while I'm blacking out from the pain, take that other steel object and shove it THROUGH the wound. Why? So that I can have some stupid thing dangle from my ear or belly. Yeah. Not so Hughish.
54. First best friend: Todd Kessler
55. First sport you joined: I have never "joined" a sport. I have joined magnets, clubs and online chat rooms. The first sport I played on a team was the Bat Busters, and I already unfolded that legend in a previous list. I don't think I was so antagonistic toward the writer of that list, but that dude had a far better command of the language.
56. First vacation: I think it was Disneyland/Epcot Center/Gatorland/Donkey Kong machine in the hotel in 1981. "Best vacation" would have been a better question. I think that would be all the same places in 1992.
58. First pair of trainers: The fuck? You asking about my undies, dude?

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: I don't eat on my computer. Unlike my beautiful wife. Which is why her computer looks like a grade school cafeteria.
60. Drinking: Well, now I'm thirsty.
61. I'm about to: Go to sleep, so I can wake up and hear all about the World of WarCraft expansion and continue to not acknowledge you judging me.
62. Listening to: The fuck, dude?? You already asked this question! I'm about to go all Perez Hilton on this guy and videotape a crying rebuttal from my bed!
63. Waiting for: That hot nurse to change my diaper after Shuffleboard. Everything else seems like just filler.

YOUR FUTURE
64. Want kids?: Yo, bro... this "?:" shit ain't gonna work for me, because I've totally completed second grade. Plus, I've got a kid. And I want her, thanks. You can't have her. She's too damn good for you. And her grammar is better.
65. Get Married?: No thanks, I'm already married.
66. Career?: It's fantastic. I've been nominated for an Emmy and still haven't broken in.

WHICH IS BETTER
67. Lips or eyes? All the ladies say lips!
68. Hugs or kisses: To get or to give? One more fucking word and your question would have been clear. Just a fucking noun, bro. Or a modifier, I don't know-- don't try to quiz me about the parts of speech, I don't know what they're called I just know where they fucking belong. Anyway, I'll take a kiss from my best friend or my dog. If it's Lynda Carter, I'd like to hug her. Over and over. And over.
69. Shorter or taller: Who? What? What are you trying to ask me, bro? Throw me a bone here. Make your mark. Use your words. I'm gonna guess... taller. 'Cause it makes as much sense as anything else. And I'm taller than almost everyone.
70. Older or Younger: Based on the fact that I bowled Saturday night and the next morning it felt like I had played football, I'll say younger.
71. Romantic or spontaneous: As if they're mutually exclusive? In fact, aren't they generally synonymous? Let me ask you a question, bud: Remoulade or taxes? Television or grape juice? Amsterdam or mustard?
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Stomach. Sigh.
73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. So that I can crush them.
74. Hook-up or relationship: In retrospect, hook up. In the moment, relationship. That's why my young adulthood was so damn miserable.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Angioplasty or Guns N' Roses?

HAVE YOU EVER
76. Kissed a stranger: Yes
77. Drank hard liquor: Yes (to both of the above: I went to college)
78. Lost glasses/contacts: No. But I've broken them plenty.
79. Sex on first date: More or less
80. Broken someone's heart : Mmm... not sure. I think so, but I'm a fucking poopy head.
81. Had your own heart broken: Hell. Yes. More like shattered into a thousand pieces, then put back together with shitty-ass scotch tape only to be smelted into a bullet and shot point-blank at a cement wall. Then peeled out, analyzed, scraped for evidence, discarded into a recycle bin, melted down again, turned into a knife, used to cut through cans on TV until it was dull, then shoved through someone else's heart and broken in their cold, dead body. Did you ask me a question?
82. Been arrested: Yes.
83. Turned someone down: Yes. But I didn't even realize they were asking.
84. Cried when someone died: Oy. Too much.
85. Fallen for a friend? That's called "The Hugh." I own that move. Though sometimes they fell for me, too. That was a nice surprise.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN
86. Yourself: Sure! I'm fucking funny, man. More than I believe in you, anyway, you stupid fucking quiz writer.
87. Miracles: If they're in the shape of burritos, yes. If they're in the form of rivers splitting, no. If you combine those two ideas, you could get the Wonder Twins. Who, by the way, could write a better quiz.
88. Love at first sight: If she's wearing a Wonder Woman costume, it's kinda inevitable.
89. Heaven: That'd be nice. Seems like a bizarre concept, but sure. I wouldn't pay anyone who dangled it in front of me, though.
90. Santa Claus: Yes. That dude is totally real, are you kidding me? How else could I get presents on Christmas?
91. Kiss on the first date: If it's a good one, then hell yeah.
92. Angels: Only the ones hired by Charlie.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
93. Had more than one bf/gf?: The fuck? Was this quiz written for 11 year-olds?
94.
This is fucking fantastic. There's just no question 94. Dude was like, "Mmm... I can't think of anything." Motherfucker got me this far and then just skipped a question. First he gave up on complete sentences, then he stopped using nouns, then he threw rational concepts out the window, and now he's just AWOL. This is EXACTLY how people lose faith in humanity. Guys like this are gonna grow up and wait on you at In-'N-Out, and you're gonna say "Can I get my fries well done?" and he's gonna nod at you dumbly, and not touch the register, and you're just GONNA FUCKING KNOW your fries ain't gonna be well done and there's NOTHING YOU CAN FUCKING DO ABOUT IT. Goddammit I hate people.
95. Did you sing today? No. Shit head.
96. Ever cheated on somebody? Yeah, but she cheated on me 3,000 times first. No, that's hyperbole. Technically it was only 2,998 times, but those other two still count because I was in love with her and she knew it. Yes, it was 20 years ago, but STILL!!!
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? I would wrestle with dinosaurs, for two reasons: It would prove I'm a real man, and, more importantly, because then I could tell Gary I've wrestled dinosaurs, and he could never argue with me ever again.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be: Last year? What did I do last year? I'm gonna go with December 23rd. One of the best days I've ever spent with my wonderful wife, and the last calm one until... well, maybe ever.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: People have said I am. People have screamed it at me. I'm more afraid this fucking quiz will never end, and this fuckbrain will merge question marks and colons so many times that it starts to look right to me.
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: I'd prefer to kick your ass 100 times, but in lieu of that, sure.

Meatballs or Winnebagos?

Dan Milano likes this.

Dan Milano Possibly one of the best of these pointless little exercises that I have ever seen, simply because with each answer, Hugh slowly grows more resentment for the author of the quiz until he finally explodes with a brilliant hugh-gasm of enraged rhetoric. God I love this man.

August 21, 2009 at 10:12am
Lisa DiFilippo I just read this and i'm soooo glad i'm not a poopyhead. I needed that today, trust me, it's been one of dem days where I felt like a poopyhead :)

August 21, 2009 at 8:10pm
Lisa Rohr Sterbakov Amsterdam or Guns N Roses?

August 23, 2009 at 8:32pm
Hugh B. Sterbakov It was Angioplasty or Guns N Roses. Amsterdam or mustard. Just sayin'.

October 14, 2009 at 2:00am

Play Them Off, Keyboard Cat

2009-06-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

Getting played off...

iPhone 3G S - Things Aren't Supposed To Go This Well

2009-06-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

After a long, hard five full days of resisting, my friend and producer on the defunct SciFi Pilot talked me into upgrading from my iPhone 3G to the new 3G S. I didn't realize that I could get the updated phone at the subsidized upgrade price after only one year-- I guess AT&T changed their minds at some point and I didn't catch it.

So yesterday I made up a half-hearted excuse about wanting a better camera and video capability to capture the miracle of my daughter's growth and sorta convinced Wifey that I should have an iPhone 3G S. Well, I don't know if she was convinced, but the passive never turned aggressive, so I went ahead and bought the 16gb edition for $199. After tax, it came to $255.

It also came with a one-year warranty, which was running out on my old 3G. The cost of AppleCare to continue that warranty would have cost $69.

I told Lisa, inbetween her non-committal, non eye-contact grunts of begrudging "approval," that I'd offset the cost by selling my old 3G on eBay. I'd heard stories on Engadget of these things selling for up to $300.

So I got my 3G S, synched it up and restored my old 3G to factory settings. I do know that Jason Bourne could still get my data off my phone, but all of my sensitive names are coded, and I'm not selling the phone to Jason Bourne, so quiet you. Checked on eBay, and lo and behold these things were really selling-- some of the bidding wars had gotten up to $350 or above. And my iPhone is in great shape, 'cause I'm as anal as a rimjob when it comes to my toys. Even the accessories were in mint, new condition, because I just transferred them over from the cherry 3G S box.

But I also knew that there'd be a rush of these things, since I couldn't be the only one upgrading to a 3G S who suddenly had an extra 3G laying around. I figured every day the market would flood a little more, so I'd set a Buy-It-Now a little low, at $295, with free shipping.

Sold it in five hours.

So there will be $10 for shipping, which brings the profit on the old phone down to $285. After taxes, I paid $255 for the 16gb 3G S, so I profited $30 by upgrading. Plus, arguably, the $69 cost of the year-long warranty.

Suh-weeet. I highly recommend other iPhone owners get in on this, because the 3G S really is a lot faster, and the video camera is super-handy when you've got a six-month old trying to eat avocado. I'm already uploading stuff to YouTube.

Plus, who couldn't use a free $30?

Spore Galactic Adventures Beams Down to Retailers Worldwide This Week

2009-06-23T14:04:00.001-07:00

Spore Galactic Adventures Beams Down to Retailers Worldwide This Week

Posted using ShareThis

What World of WarCraft Can Do To a Young Man

2009-06-22T10:42:00.001-07:00

Greatest. Video. Ever.

Thanks to the unsinkable Tom Root, esquire, for bringing these two minutes of glory into my life. I love WarCraft insatiably, and feel this kid's pain.

Still, I've never tried to shove a remote control up my ass over it.

New Spore Video

2009-06-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

The Hugh Creature and the weird-ass engineer's hat he tried out for a couple days before he decided he couldn't pull it off are significantly featured. Enjoy!

And check out Spore Galactic Adventures on Tuesday. Our adventures (two of mine!) will be downloadable as soon as you install the game!

Facebook Changes

2009-06-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

It's absolutely a reflection of no one in particular, but I noticed a couple pictures that I posted on Facebook were copied and posted elsewhere. That's a little weird and unnerving, and made me re-think what I'm putting online.

I created my Facebook page, just like my MySpace page, to promote Freshmen and interact with folks in a new environment, less tyrannical than this one and shifting away from the Freshmen messageboards, which just aren't all that interesting now that we're not regularly publishing the comic (I'm still working on the movie, quite dilligently).

But soon after I joined Facebook, the same thing happened to me that, well, that happened to just about everybody else in America-- old friends looked me up, and suddenly my professional and personal worlds collided in a way that I wasn't quite prepared for.

My professional "voice" and my personal life weren't designed to interact with each other or pay for one another's mistakes. This has nothing to do with anyone, it's not a vote of confidence or otherwise, it's simply an indelicate separation of something that had to happen at one point or another.

If I dropped you as a Facebook friend, I apologize and hope you won't take it personally. I'd love to see you at my fan page, feel free to throw stuff up on the wall for us to discuss. I'll update that page quite regularly-- moreso, in fact, than my personal one, and I'll post news updates about things I'm working on or personal appearances.

Hope to see you there!

Z O M F G

2009-06-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

Video Games | Star Wars: The Old Republic | E3 09: Jedi vs Sith Cinematic HD

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

Twilight and the Seven Billionth Example of How CGI is Killing Cinema

2009-06-01T00:06:00.001-07:00

The trailer for New Moon, the sequel to Twilight.

Yuck.

More specifically, yuck to the gross CGI werewolf transformation. Can you even call it that? It's really just maybe a 10-frame morph from boy to CGI wolf (plus a badly ADR on a wolf's howl). There's no creativity in it whatsoever. They probably used the same feature-connecting morph solution that was sorta neat in Michael Jackson's Black or White video in 1991.

The werewolf transformation holds a very special place in cinema. Before CGI, it inspired some of the greatest special effects ever put to film. Almost everyone has seen six-time Academy Award-winning special effects grandmaster Rick Baker's pièce de résistance of make-up effects in the classic American Werewolf in London. It still reminds me of the horrible nightmares this film gave me for many years-- truth be told, I'm still too scaredy cat to watch it again.

But, if you dare, here it is, side by side with another masterpiece of classic cinema make-up and effects, the transformation scene from The Howling.

And, eighteen years later and countless innovations in special effects later, we get that New Moon weaksauce. Yuck.

I get that New Moon isn't a horror movie and its teenage girl fanbase doesn't want to be scared out of their wits, but come on. That transformation is so utilitarian that it feels like they weren't even trying.

And how can it not make you wonder how much effort is going into the rest of the movie. I mean-- they're going with that shot as the most exciting moment in the teaser trailer, for Chipotle's sake. Am I wrong?

Maybe I'd be more forgiving if Twilight meant to me what it means to its fanbase. Which I don't get, since I've gotten a rundown on the rest of the story from my wife and it sounds light years beyond ludicrous. I guess it's all in the execution. Which means they better get some damn good executors, and the guy doing the CGI ain't the caliber I'm talkin' about.

The most entertaining thing about Twilight, to me, is to watch my wife constantly rag on the books and movie while simultaneously being drawn to them like a thirsty leech. She's reading the first book again, and apparently not finding it any more appealing than she did the first time around.

Me, I'd never bury myself in a storyline I found aggravating and unsatisfying. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch the Star Wars prequels again.

I hope The Wolf Man is badass. Tho I kinda don't look forward to the nightmares.

Doug is Typing

2009-06-01T00:01:00.001-07:00

And he's doing it in a blog. Join the co-head writer from Robot Chicken as he blogs and tweets and does other things-we-hadn't-heard-of-before-2005-that-sound-like-gastrointestinal-disorders.

Nowhere else can you find someone who will defend their political rhetoric with the following example: "I want a pony. I will vote myself a pony. I get a pony! Yay! I can’t take care of a fucking pony! It dies."

Failoc-alypse

2009-05-31T01:51:00.000-07:00

Looks like tickets for Blizzcon sold out in record time again this year. This is the kinda thing that makes me feel relieved that I'm still on the World of WarCraft wagon, but also reminds me of the beautiful temptress that is still out there, willing me to log on and fly over the skies of Northrend, level up my fishing and go on a three-hour raid.

In lieu of that life-shattering experience, here's a fun flash game the Blizz Wizzes cooked up to make fun of their Blizzcon-disappointment mascot, the "Failoc." (That'd be a Murloc-- an extremely aggravating fish creature that notoriously hounds you at many levels during your WoW character's ascent to ooberness-- who shows up on a graphic when you fail to buy your tickets.

Enjoy. I'll be the guy sitting on a bucket in the corner, pretending my life is better without WoW, while all the cool kids collect their badass "Murloc in StarCraft Terran armor suit" in-game pets at this year's 'con.

The New Song from Palette-Swap Ninja!

2009-05-29T01:50:00.000-07:00

Passerby Pushes Suicide Jumper

2009-05-24T02:06:00.000-07:00

You've heard me ask this question before: "What would aliens think about our society?" I've posited that aliens would think dogs were humans' masters, since we feed them and clean up their shit. I've wondered if they would think that the game of Golf-- where you walk to a ball only to hit it as far away as you can (in most situations)-- would appear to be a contest of madmen. I've pondered what they would think of the way we communicate with one another through advertisements. And I've wondered what our extraterrestrial friends would think of reality TV shows, human appearances and our various governments and divisions.

Today, in China, a guy was contemplating suicide by jumping off a bridge. Another man snuck through security, approached him, pretended to shake his hand and then pushed him off...

You gotta wonder what they'd think of this story:

Passerby pushes suicide jumper in China
BEIJING (AP) — Chen Fuchao, a man heavily in debt, had been contemplating suicide on a bridge in southern China for hours when a passerby came up, shook his hand — and pushed him off the ledge.

Chen fell 26 feet onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion laid out by authorities and survived, suffering spine and elbow injuries, the official Xinhua News Agency said Saturday.

The passerby, 66-year-old Lai Jiansheng, had been fed up with what he called Chen's "selfish activity," Xinhua said. Traffic around the Haizhu bridge in the city of Guangzhou had been backed up for five hours and police had cordoned off the area.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interest," Lai was quoted as saying by Xinhua. "They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."

Xinhua said Lai was "taken away by police" but did not elaborate.

A police officer who answered the telephone Saturday at a station close to the bridge confirmed the incident and said it was under investigation. He refused to give any other details and hung up.

According to Xinhua, Chen wanted to kill himself because he had accrued 2 million yuan ($290,000) in debt from a failed construction project.

On Thursday, he made his way to the Haizhu bridge, where 11 other people have tried to take their lives since April.

Lai volunteered to talk Chen down but was turned away by police, Xinhua said. Lai then broke through the cordon, climbed to where Chen sat, greeted him with a handshake, then pushed.

Photos in the Beijing Morning Post showed Lai, shoeless and in a T-shirt, saluting after Chen fell.

The paper said Lai was released on bail Friday but did not give any details. It said he had been on medication for "a mental illness" for decades and had been on his way to a hospital for his pills.

Chen was recovering in the hospital, Xinhua said.
Copyright 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

I can't imagine what the aliens would think. Likely they wouldn't be surprised, since it measures up just fine against other things, and even dwarfs in comparison to atrocities like war, racism or the quality of Windows Vista.

I will say this, though-- for that moment, the dude who did the pushing must have been the most satisfied person in the history of Earth.

I really admire this guy, although he's a bonafide lunatic.

Play Classic Sierra On-Line Games at Sarien.net

2009-05-22T03:08:00.000-07:00

If you've been gaming since the early days of "IBM" PCs, you probably remember the Sierra On-Line RPGs like Police Quest, Space Quest, King's Quest and, of course, Leisure Suit Larry. I wasted away many, many hours playing these games, and often had to resort to their special hint books with invisible ink only to realize I'd made a mistake hours-- or days-- earlier, and all of my progress would have to be re-played. There was a really evil trick with a videotape degausser in Leisure Suit Larry in Love for Sail that almost made me throw my computer through a window-- I think I played that one in college, so we're talking early '90's at that point.

Here's a shot from Space Quest:

Yeah, there isn't much reason to play these games other than nostalgia, but Space Quest and Larry were fantastically amusing. And it's really cool to see them emulated in a browser. It's amazing how much gameplay was fit into these games, many of which were less than the size of your average MP3 file.

I played all of the Larrys (until the later Xbox iterations-- wanted to check out Magna Cum Laude, but never did after its atrocious reviews), Space Quest I-III, the first couple Police Quests (and I think I eventually reviewed one of the SWAT titles) and the Manhunter games, which aren't at Sarien yet. Never got into King's Quest, but I did fool around with Hero Quest, or whatever the game was called where you created your own dude (was it "So You Want to be a Hero"?). By then I'd moved onto whatever was next, though. Probably The Legend of Zelda. I'd have more details if I bothered to go to Wikipedia, but what's the point of nostalgia if you have to look it up to remember it?

Check them out at Sarien.net.