It Was Funnier in My Head

2021-07-21T10:47:00.001-04:00

My So-Called 2021 Life

Part II

Part II of My So-Called 2021 Life

I mean, if you fly back from England on a Monday and start a 23 hour drive to Texas the next day to do a virtual workshop on Friday and open a festival Saturday, only to have your car start drastically overheating on day two of driving and barely make it to the AirBnB and then site without fully dying, then run eight weeks of a festival technically still during a pandemic, after being unemployed for over a year/not doing your show for 14+ months (have the most fun at said festival, don’t forget that part), buy a new to you car because the mechanic told you that your beloved paid off car wasn’t worth saving, but then being too attached to the old car to get rid of it and shipping it home to have your local mechanic look at it, meanwhile after the festival you drive to your friend’s to watch her eight year old for a weekend, which is the first time you babysat that many hours in a row in your life, then get home for a week and a half before flying back to England (the more I fly across the ocean, the more free wine I get), navigating their entry restrictions again (a pre-flight Covid test, a day 2 and day 8 Covid test, 10 days isolation and a Covid test to get back on the plane) and planning your aunt’s travel to the states along with the protocols she has to go through, waking up at 4:30am UK time to get to the airport after staying up late to make sure the paper work is in order, then having your flight randomly change so you have two layovers instead of one and both the layovers require you to go all the way through security again which leads you to barely make it to your gates before boarding, oh and also btw, your checked luggage didn’t arrive in the US when you arrived in the US and the app says it’s still in Paris, then you land at 11pm eastern and discover that at some point on one of the planes, something happened to your phone charger cord (pictured), wake up the next day to do a promotional zoom meeting for a feature film you’re in then going straight into another meeting for another hour and a half, afterwards having a chat window open for Delta and one for Air France to find out where in the world your luggage is (having the chat windows is like being on hold but without music – it could be hours before someone can talk to you) because if it doesn’t get there that day, you have to buy all new make up for the weekend and your costume choice will have to change, finally to find out that your luggage will arrive from Detroit (NOT a city you flew through) that afternoon, then wait until 5:30 to get taken to the mechanic to pick up the new to you car that needed inspection, driving to the airport to get your luggage, driving home, unpacking from the UK trip to find that your eyeshadow exploded all over your make up case so you have to clean all those little things, then re-packing so you can leave early the next day to drive to Maine (I swear it said 7ish hours when I looked it up but then it said over 8 when I started my trip) to open a new festival that weekend, then what are you even doing with your life??

Not posting for sympathy or anything – just giving you the reason(s) why I haven’t answered your text, message, email, voicemail or fax yet.

Adding that before going to the UK to you discover that your thyroid might be not functioning correctly so you start medication to try to figure that out (explains extra weight gain at least) and that while in the UK, the 8, I, K, J and comma keys on your laptop all stop working consistently so you have to scramble to buy a USB keyboard in order to get your work done.

2021-07-21T10:45:00.000-04:00

My So-Called 2021 Life

Part I

Originally posted on facebook April 5, 2021

I mean, if you didn't work a super busy trunk show wedding dress sale, then live stream on twitch that night, fly to the UK the next day (for two weeks), spend 10 days in self-isolation causing you to miss your uncle's funeral (which I had assumed I would miss), give yourself three Covid tests, have the airline cancel your flight home for no reason and have to buy a one way return ticket that was nearly as much as the original round trip ticket (after having been unemployed for a year), almost lose $300 (200 pounds) when it falls out of your pocket on literally the ONLY day you've been out of the house/garden to go to a store, then find out another friend died of cancer (sixth friend to die since Dec 23) on the same day you spread your uncle's ashes in his garden, fly home and begin a 23+ hour drive to Texas the next day to do a virtual workshop on Friday and open a festival (with solid and appreciated pandemic restrictions) that Saturday, then what even are you doing with your life?

No need to comment or whatever
Edited to add that this the explanation for me not responding to any recent texts or messages.

Nice Work if You Can Get It

2014-05-06T17:10:00.000-04:00

So I am currently in need of a job/source of income. With my schedule of gigs and my homebase location, it's hard to find something to fill the time between. And because I have a slightly ridiculous moral compass, I'm not ok with trying to find a job under the guise of "longterm employee" when I know I'm going to be gone in two months. Plus, by the time they put you through the application/background check/fingerprinting/drug test/paperwork process (one to one and half weeks), and then the training (two weeks), I'd be looking at a full week or two of work before I put in my two weeks notice. Not worth it for me, not fair to them, yadda yadda.

However, for the career-minded individual, there seem to be a ton of jobs posted out there (at least on craigslist, which, while it might not be the best resource to find work, still has a lot of legit businesses posting on it). It makes me wonder in passing how many people can be unemployed if so many businesses are looking for people. But if I think a little bit harder about it all, it seems like you really have to spend money to make money. I'm not talking about the costs that you incur when you're creating your own business. I'm talking about the job I just did a phone interview for that pays $9 for manual labor (packing boxes). Ok, not a horrible hourly pay (though with minimum wage being $8 an hour, it's definitely not great). And I get the feeling that there's potential for long hours and some overtime with this particular gig. The problem for this job is that in order to be hired, you have to get finger printed (you'd be working in schools, so they have to do background check-y things. Understandable). They don't cover the fee for fingerprinting. It costs $91.50. You'd have to work 11+ hours at your job to pay for getting hired. (Sidenote: the girl who I spoke with was very nice and understood when I said I didn't have any money to spend on finger printing). As someone who's down to their last tank of gas with an overdue phone bill, that's not gonna fly for me.

Then I had an in person interview today to do some tele-sales. It wasn't cold calling, it was for renewing theatre subscriptions. That doesn't make it 100% better, but a little bit. This position pays $8 an hour, and the shifts are during prime calling times (ie right after dinner). That maximizes your shift time to four hours a day. Now, because I live out in east bumble fuck, it's a 20-25 minute drive for me to get to this job. Plus it's in the city so I have to pay for parking. So you work four hours, making $8 an hour, that's $32 before taxes. Take out gas money (for me might be a little bit more than for others that live closer), plus a couple bucks for parking. While it's a commission job as well, you can't ever count on that stuff. So for five hours of your time (including commute), it's about $30 before taxes. I mean, I know that some jobs like that are looking at people who want to make extra money, because they already have a full time real person job. But the math just doesn't add up really. Especially for someone who's already running on fumes, it's hard to justify putting out the cash in order to get a paycheck (in two weeks)

I just wish one of those "work from home/data entry" things were actually legit. That'd be perfect for me....

The end

2013-10-19T18:37:00.000-04:00

How the conversation *should* have gone:

Director: Hey! I've got a great concept for your music video!
Her: Awesome, let me hear it!
Director: Ok! First, we're going to have you swing around on a big wrecking ball. Don't worry, it won't knock into anything with you on it....
Her: Hey, that sounds really fun, I used to play on a tire swing when I was little and I loved it! It'll be like I'm a kid all over again!
Director: Great! You're going to be wearing a white wife beater and underwear....
Her:...Um...well, ok, I guess that keeping it simple is good. It's kind of like wearing a swim suit or work out clothes. I'm going to need to have freedom of motion, so ok...
Director: And then we'll also have you be naked...
Her: Naked?
Director: On the wrecking ball.
Her: Wait, WHAT? Naked?! On construction equipment? I don't think so -- Is that even hygienic? Ew, think of the dust....No, that's just not cool.
Director: Ok, ok, wait, but it's symbolic to your lyrics!
Her: You're supposed to be the creative guy, can't you think of anything else symbolic than being naked on a wrecking ball? That's not gonna fly. I'm not going to be naked straddling a wrecking ball. Nope. Gross.
Director: Well...what if we give you a sledge hammer too?
Her: I don't see how that really makes it better....buuuut....will I get to break stuff with it, though?
Director: Yeah! You can totally break stuff!!
Her: Ok...breaking stuff is cool...
Director: And also you can, like, sing to it and kind of, um, dance... on it...
Her: Wha....
Director: Like a microphone on a stand or something. You know, just sing to it.....and stuff.......
Her: Do I still get to hit things with it?
Director: Oh yeah, of course!
Her:.... Ok, I'm still listening....
Director: And maybe....like...if you....I don't know.... lick the sledge hammer? You know, I think that would really, um, really, *resonate* with your audience.
Her: Me licking a sledgehammer?
Director: Yeah
Her: With my audience of teenagers?
Director:..... yeah...
Her: Wtf? What planet do you come from that this concept makes sense? No. I'm not, licking a sledgehammer. Not gonna do it....
Director: Wait wait wait, but these are good ideas! Just hear me out!
Her: No, you're crazy....
Director: And we want to give you long blindingly white acrylic nails....
Her: That's it. This is ridiculous, I'm out of here. *throws something, storms out*

The end.

Impulse Buying?

2013-07-16T14:39:00.002-04:00

Sooo...

This was waiting for me when I got home last night.

I'm *pretty* sure I know why mom left it for me....

But all I can think is "I have those shoes....I don't have those other shoes....I have shoes like those....Oo! I *want* those shoes!..."

The end

2013

2013-01-01T11:14:00.002-05:00

Obligatory New Year's post:

Wow, in 2012 stuff happened, and then some other things happened! Some were things that I didn't want to happen and some were things that I did want to happen, and some were things that I never expected to happen. It was a year! And it made me feel different ways. Probably in 2013, more things will happen, and some will be different stuff and probably some will be the same or similar stuff. Most likely I will also make a list of things that I think would be a good idea to do and may or may not follow through with those things. I have emotion in anticipation of 2013 and the things that may or may not happen!!!

Be safe and happy New Year, everyone!

Single-ness

2012-10-17T12:00:00.000-04:00

Ok kids, here's the deal. Telling someone "I can't believe/don't understand why you're single" is *not* a compliment. It may *sound* almost like one, and undoubtedly the person saying it means it as one...but it's not. It just reminds the person you're saying it to that they are, in fact, single. it dredges up memories of why their last relationship(s) didn't work out, reminds them that their ex is currently in a long term relationship and they're still alone, makes them wonder again why the last (two) people they dated suddenly just stopped calling/answering their messages with no explanation, makes them count in their head how many months it's been since they were even asked on a date, and somehow makes them feel like they *should* be in a relationship and there must be something wrong with them because they're not.

Better compliments include "Hey! You look awesome!", "Your show is really funny and your character is hilarious" (only works if they have a show), "You're a super cool person! Let's go get ice cream -- I'll pay since cool people shouldn't have to pay for their own ice cream.", "You've got the moves like Jagger", "If I ever get stuck in a dark alley with you, I know I'll be safe because your guns are HUGE", and "Your outfit is gangsta".

EXIT NOW

2011-12-23T19:34:00.000-05:00

So I recently drove from Texas to New York (all by myself). It took 3 days and involved two hotel rooms where I felt all grown-up-ity checking in by myself. And, much like every trip I've ever taken by myself in my entire life, there were mildly hilarious mishaps. Gather 'round while I tell you about it....

Ok. so day two of my journey back to New York at approximately 8am when I grabbed a muffin,, checked out of the hotel and hopped in my car. GPS stated I had 19 hours and 20 minutes left before I got home. 20 minutes after I started driving, my GPS said I had 16 hours and 40 minutes left to go. So I was either a) abducted by aliens or b) went through a time warp....

As I approached Memphis, though I hadn't budgeted time or money for it, I felt an almost irrisitable pull to visit Graceland. I mean, c'mon, it's ELVIS. I scanned the horizon for "this way to Graceland" signs, determined to follow them. If it was meant to be, I would find myself in worshipping at the shring of Elvis. Alas, I only saw one banner in downtown Memphis. When I finally GPS'd the actual location, I was already miles past. Fail.

hile driving ever northward through Kentucky in the late afternoon a new sign caught my eye: DINOSAUR WORLD, EXIT NOW! What choice did I have, I ask you?!?! NONE! I (safely) cut across three lanes of traffic and EXITED NOW! A giant tyrannosaurus statue stood at the corner, pointing the way to DINOSAUR WORLD. I followed the huge signs OPEN DAILY and TURN HERE. There was the entrance, flanked by pterodactyls, I drove through, there was the building with a tyrannosaurus head above the door. I was ecstatic. I parked my car in the nearly vacant parking lot, walked to the door, opened it. "Hello" the woman said. "Hi, what do i have to do to see the dinosaurs?" I replied. "Well" she said " we close in 15 minutes". I walked away defeated. Double fail sigh

As I, saddened, left the soon-to-be-closing DINOSAUR LAND, I determined I would find a McDonalds, and attempt to fill the dinosaur shaped hole in my heart with a chocolate milkshake (no whipped cream). Luckily, the next exit had a mega gas station with a McD's attached. I EXITED NOW, followed the convenient blue signs to the gas station and parked. I approached the door. My mouth watered anticipating the frozen chocolatey imitation dairy deliciousness. I was greeted at the door by an employee who smiled and apologetically said "sorry, we're closed, we had power issues".....

The rest of the day continued without much incident and I arrived home the next day. But there will always be a dinosaur shaped hole in my heart where DINOSAUR LAND should have be....(some day in the future I will return to Kentucky and EXIT NOW at that magical exit and go to DINOSAUR LAND and it will be an epic win. And then I will have ice cream).

The end.

It's been oh so long...

2011-07-26T21:19:00.000-04:00

Well hello there! Bet you thought I'd forgotten about you!!! NOPE!! Not in the least! I mean, how could I forget you, my loyal internet readers?? No, I have simply been busy, with a side order of temperamental wifi and decrepit laptop. That makes blog posting extremely difficult and frustrating. Actually, it makes any internet-ing extremely difficult and frustrating so I don't go online very much (hello 144 emails in my junk mail folder and 15 friend requests on my social networking page....).

But here, finally, is a long awaited blog post. About what, you may ask? Well.....hmm... *looks around*.....um..... I'm currently drinking a can of Fresca. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, FRESCA!!! Not coke? Nope! Not. Coke. It seems that the grocery store played a cruel trick on me and sold out of coke. So I bought Fresca. It's got less calories, and as I'm trying to be more "healthy" *rolls eyes* so I guess that the grocery store was thinking in my best interests?

And that's about it. Yeah, I thought I'd have something more interesting to say too. Think of this as just an appetizer blog post, with the real entree coming later. You know, when appetizers are kind of ok and you don't mind that you ordered them and they don't make you un-hungry, they just make you more excited for the main course....right???

Until next time.

The end.

Ghostie Story

2011-05-19T20:16:00.001-04:00

Several years ago, one summer night, I had to stay up late for my friend to stop by and pick something up. My aunt was staying over and we didn't have a guest room at that time so she was sleeping on the couch in the living room (right near the front door). I sat alone on the steps waiting for my friend to show up -- I only had the upstairs hall light on because I didn't want to wake up my aunt. So about 11pm my friend comes, we chat, she leaves. I had to shower, so I jump in and about halfway through our dog (who was kept in the kitchen overnight) starts barking (he was a large golden retriever-type). Since I believe that our house is so old it MUST be haunted, I started thinking "oh crap, there's a ghost and the dog's barking at the ghost, what if I see it, oh no!". And I freaked myself out. I got myself to believe that when I opened the shower curtain there would be a ghost standing there.

Of course, when I opened the curtain, there wasn't anyone there. In my head I thought "There's no one [there]" (literally the words). So I got ready for bed, brushed my teeth and headed up the stairs. I walked down the upstairs hallway and towards my room, which was at the front of the house.

No sooner had I literally put one foot over the threshold than I hear a whisper "There IS someone, there IS someone!". I grabbed onto the door frame because I almost fell over and I know I made some really strange strangled noise -- not a scream or a yell but just a *noise*. I quickly glanced around my room to figure out if one of my brothers was hiding in there to freak me out. But how could the voice I heard say "there is someone" -- a perfect response to what I had been telling myself earlier "there's no one".????? I was freaking out!

....

...

As I inhaled and tried to steady myself, I heard the voice again. I located it. It was outside. My brother had apparently locked himself out of the house and he and his friend were trying to figure out how to get in. They saw me in the window and said "Look! There's someone". I yelled out the window at them and then went downstairs to let them in. *sigh* It was SO freaky! The next night my aunt made fun of me and told me not to go in the kitchen because the ghost might be there. I knew she was joking but I still got nervous going in there.

I still totally believe my house is haunted!!!

The end

How is it May already?

2011-05-17T00:06:00.000-04:00

Well apparently when I started this blog I didn't realize how difficult it would be to maintain it when I travel for my job on a regular basis (and when my pet laptop is old and decrepit). So I apologize. I promise to make it up to you, some how, some way. I can't believe it's May already! None of the places I've been in the past two weeks have felt like May. It was 47 degrees out and raining when I was in Dallas, then I went home to upstate NY and it was 47 degrees and raining. Then I went to St Louis and it was 47 degrees and raining. Now I'm in Chicago and it's not raining...but it's still 47 degrees. Global warming, HA!

In other news, today I re-watched "The Devil Wears Prada" and it's one of my favorite movies of all time. It makes me want to spend two hours doing my hair and make up in a way that nothing else can (not even auditions or fancy dress parties). Unfortunately I am two things -- lazy and sucky at being a girl. I'd rather sleep an extra two hours than get up early to do hair and maintenance AND I don't *really* know how to use a blow dryer/curling iron/hair straightener/root lifter/hair spray/eyelash curler. So I would fail miserably at attempting to be Miranda's assistant, were I ever to be put in a "Devil Wears Prada"-type situation, and that would be sad. But probably mildly amusing.

Anyway, enough of my random rambling for tonight. I will work on more bloggity goodness for you, loyal readers (all two of you) and hopefully it will appear here soon. Until then, say goodnight Gracie.

The end.

The 12 Stages of Dealing with Your Haircut

2011-04-15T20:31:00.000-04:00

I got my hair cut last week at a salon in the mall. I've always had long hair, and always hesitate going to a salon. Over the past couple of years, I've been lucky enough to have friends who are skilled in the hair cutting department and have been willing to cut my hair for me. Unfortunately I badly needed a haircut and none of those friends were in the immediate vicinity. So I was forced to go to the salon in the mall. After my hair was cut, I identified the 12 subsequent stages of dealing with the new hairstyle.

1) Apprehension. (pre-haircut)

Your thoughts are something similar to this "I need a hair cut. I don't want a haircut. I should get a haircut. I'm gonna get a haircut. I don't want to!! I don't know what to do". (then you eat some chocolate)

2) Decision and Action

You take a deep breath, get in your car and drive to wherever you're going to get your hair cut. When you get there, you tell them what you want, sit in the chair and let the stylist take over.

3) Nervousness (during the haircut)

You worry whether your new style will look good. You want to give constant direction to the stylist -- "don't cut that part too short." "Don't leave that part too long" "I SAID NO LAYERS".... You're silent freaking out in your head and praying to the hair gods that your stylist knows what's gonna look good on your head even though you've never met them before in your life and they know nothing about you except what you've told them in response to their prying questions in the chair. You begin to hyperventilate. (Tip: To lessen the intensity of Stage 3, bring a friend to tell you the new cut looks good as it's happening. Tell them to lie if they need to).

4) Lying (post haircut)

The cut is done and your stylist turns you to face the mirror. You look for a second and force yourself to "like" the cut, and then to assure your stylist that they did a good job. You don't completely assess the hair situation because you feel pressured to give your stylist positive reinforcement and all you want to do is pay your tab and get the heck out of there because you've been sitting in that chair for what seems like hours. So you lie to yourself that you like the cut, and you lie to your stylist that you like the cut and you avoid actually looking at yourself in the mirror.

5) Attempted Analysis

This happens after you leave the salon while you're checking yourself out in every single reflective surface you pass. You're walking or driving or something so you can't stop to stare at yourself because people will think you're weird. You try to catch little glances of yourself in the windows you pass or in the rearview mirror but it's not enough to figure out what your hair really looks like.

6) Actual Analysis

You find a mirror and are finally able to look at your new hair cut from every angle. Which leads to State 7....

7) Panic

Your thoughts are similar to this: "What the?.....I hate it! Omg I hate it. It's horrible. It isn't what I asked for. They stylist didn't listen to me and she has ruined my hair! Aaaahhh!!" You begin to hyperventilate again and want to curl up in the fetal position on the floor.

8) Second Look

You leave the bathroom for a while, find a different mirror, find different lighting, give yourself some time. Go back to the mirror and think: Ok, I guess this is acceptable. Maybe it's not so bad. I can probably maybe deal with this...

9) Re-Analysis

This happens the next day. You've slept on it and/or washed it. You look in the mirror again and think "Holy shit. It looks like crap. I hate it, it's horrible, it isn't what I asked for, the stylist didn't listen to me and she has ruined my hair." You cry a little bit.

10) Outrage

You feel manipulated. You're mad at the stylist for not listening to you and for not doing what you asked. How dare they decide that you should have that haircut when you specifically told them what you wanted? You're pissed that you paid more than you wanted to. Angry that you felt under pressure to tell the stylist what you thought. Mad that you tipped her. THIS is why you hate going to salons in the first place. You complain to everyone possible. Contemplate going back to the salon to demand that your cut be fixed or you get your money back. Your mouse pointer lingers over the "leave feedback" link on the salons website. You stomp around the house. You post angry things on your social networking site. You stare at yourself in the mirror and lament the shearing of your locks. On the internet, you look up what vitamins will make your hair grow faster. On your calendar you plot the next date you have to be in public for a function and try to extrapolate how much your hair will grow between now and then. You are not optimistic and contemplate buying a wig.

11) Complacency

You feel bad posting negative feedback on the website because you feel like the stylist is probably oblivious to the job she did. Your friends no longer assuage your fears and whining by telling you how cute you look. You force yourself to stop looking in the mirror all the time and picking apart all the things you hate about the cut. Your hair will grow out. You hope. Over night.

12) Grudging acceptance (weeks after haircut)(very rare)

You got your hair cut. There's nothing you can do. You forget about it and move on with your life. You still avoid looking in mirrors.

Personally, I'm still at stage 10 right now, and don't expect to get anywhere near 11 in the near future. You can just forget about me getting to 12. Not gonna happen. Just because your stylist thinks that you look like Jennifer Aniston (which you don't), doesn't mean she should cut your hair like Jennifer Aniston's (because it's ugly). ARGH

The End

(this post is dedicated to my friend Kimberly. Not because she had anything do to with my haircut, but because I promised to dedicate a blog to her :-) Ta-da!)

April Showers....

2011-04-05T22:30:00.000-04:00

It's said that "April showers bring May flowers"..... but that's it (unless there's more to the poem that I don't know about. When I was in approximately 5th grade, a kid in my class named Greg and I wrote the following continuation of the poem...

April showers bring May flowers

May flowers bring in the bees.

Bees bring stingers, that cause infections,

Infections bring hospital trips...

and then something about pulling out all your hair because you can't afford the medicine or something. I can't remember that part as well because it completely lost the meter and went off on a crazy rant.

Anyway, just thought I'd share, since it IS April, after all.

You're welcome.

The end.

I Am a Grown-Up (number 2)

2011-03-30T12:12:00.000-04:00

I am a grown up.

So if I get up and work out and have nothing to do all day, I'm allowed to sit around in my work out clothes without showering. Because I am a grown up and I shower when I want to.

The end.

I Am a Grown-Up (number 1)

2011-03-24T22:49:00.000-04:00

I am a grown up.

So I'm allowed to watch bad tv show marathons at night instead of going out places, and when I get thirsty at 9:30pm, I'm allowed to drink Coke even though it has caffeine in it and I'll regret it when I try to go to sleep and then get pissed when my alarm goes off in the morning and I'm tired because I didn't sleep enough. Coke tastes good.

The end.

Emergency!!

2011-03-21T16:26:00.000-04:00

Attention!!! Attention!!!!!! I think you are in need of an

EMERGENCY RAINBOW!!!!

(Do you have any idea how long that rainbow font color-ing took? Ok, not really *that* long, but still.... Also, I'd like to bring to your attention the fact that both N's in that are red and both R's are green. Yep. Just kinda happened that way. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?)

Now you may carry on with your day

The end.

Needy Texting

2011-03-13T11:31:00.000-04:00

I love texting. Really love it. Really. And I can text freakin' fast. (and without looking at my fingers because I have skillz) But if you text me 5 times in 30 seconds with two word phrases, I will NOT be able to respond to you and I will just get pissed b/c I have to save the response text to your first message to go look at your second and third and make sure there's no pertinent information I need to respond to in those texts, and then go back to the original response and continue that only to have you text me AGAIN before I'm done so I have to go check THAT freakin' text.

The situation that sparks this rant:

My friend: text 1 at 11:25

Friend: text 2 at 11:25

Me: start to respond

Friend: text 3 at 11:26

Me: have to go back and look at his 3rd text in case I have to respond to that

Friend: text 4 at 11:26

Friend: text 5 at 11:26

Me: I FINALLY get a chance to send my response

Friend: text 6 at 11:27

Me: I start to type the response to that

Friend: text 7 at 11:27

Friend: text 8 at 11:27

Me: I finally can respond

Friend: text 9 at 11:29

Friend: text 10 at 11:29

Friend: text 11 at 11:30

Friend: text 12 at 11:30

Me: I make my friend wait for a response :-)

An emaily rant rant

2011-03-10T17:41:00.000-05:00

I was recently contacted by someone who wanted to set up a photo shoot with me. Great! I love it when people want to set up shoots! He emailed me twice in one day (the second time was before I had even read his first email. The second one also seemed like a form letter). I didn't get a chance to email him right back, and he emailed me the next day. The day after that I emailed him asking what he had in mind for a shoot. He emailed me back a list of *all* the things he usually shoots (another form letter?) and before I had a chance to respond the next day, he sent ANOTHER email saying how he's excited to set up a shoot and asking when's good. I'm thinkin, wow this guy is pushy but ok, whatever.

So I email him back and say when I can shoot and all that. He emails me back a week later with some more details. I respond saying that I have x day and time available and can pencil it in and he can let me know if it works. He emails me another week later saying "how are we on setting up a shoot?". I respond the next day saying when I'm available that week, asking some specific questions about pay, and style of shoot. Then I don't hear from him for 13 days and all he says in his next email is "how about this Saturday?". Dude! Now, I will completely admit that I don't always respond to emails right when I get them (in fact, it's fairly rare that I immediately hit respond). But dude, seriously, don't email me and pester me and then when I ask you specific questions ignore them or don't respond for two weeks. This kinda stuff makes me so frustrated!!!

Anyway, end rant.

The end

Application

2011-03-07T11:59:00.002-05:00

In relation to my previous post about getting rich, I remembered that I had made up this application a while ago, just in case this became an option of a way to become rich. Now I'm going to post it here, also just in case *suggestive look*....but also because it's quite possibly the funniest thing ever written.

Application to be NikkiNine's Sugar Daddy

Directions: Fill out this application entirely. Use a separate page or the back of this application if you need more room. Explain answers to the best of your ability, being especially specific on numbers 12-15. Return to Nikki with a "gift" (cash is acceptable). You will be notified of your acceptance as a Sugar Daddy of Nikki. If there is a delay in response, feel free to continue sending Nikki gifts and cash until you hear from us. All information given to us will be kept confidential, unless it's hilariously funny. If you wish to make a one time donation, contact Nikki so that arrangements can be made. Thank you for your interest in being Nikki's Sugar Daddy.

   1. Name:

   2. Age:

   3. Social Security Number:

   4. Major credit cards that you hold:

   5. Occupation:

   6. Yearly Income (Note: having an income of less than 75K a year will not necessarily bar you from acceptance as Nikki's Sugar Daddy):

   7. Estimate how much money you have in the bank:

   8. What kinds of bank accounts do you have? (checking, savings, etc)

   9. Do you have any other investments? (CDs, IRAs, stocks, etc)

10. Do you own your own home or rent?

11. How much of your total income do you plan on spending on Nikki (percentage):

12. What kinds of things would you like to take Nikki to do/see? (Note: the correct response is "Whatever Nikki wants", however, it is good to estimate what Nikki might be interested in.)

13. What kinds of gifts do you plan on lavishing Nikki with? (Note: Cash is considered an acceptable gift)

14. How often would you plan on taking Nikki out and/or giving her gifts?

15. What do you expect as repayment of such gifts and trips? (Think *very carefully* about your answer)

16. How did you hear of this opening?

17. Rate yourself from 1 to 10 on your looks: (where 1 represents looking like Jason Statham and 10 is Bradley Cooper)

18. How would your friends describe you? (Example: "He always picks up the check, especially at expensive restaurants.")

19. How would your parents describe you? (Example: "He is our favorite son because he gives us the best and most expensive Christmas presents.")

20. How would your ex's describe you? (Example: "I had to break up with him because he was always buying me presents. He just spent too much money on me!!")

21. What is your sign? (It is common knowledge that some signs are more stingy with their money than others)

22. Are you married? (being married will not necessarily bar you from being accepted as Nikki's Sugar Daddy)

23. Do you have children that will fight over your inheritance when you die?

24. Do you have any pets? (It is a known fact that any pets you may have will take away attention from Nikki)

25. What kind of car do you drive?

26. What kind of car would you drive Nikki around in? (this response may be different than your response to 25)

27. Do you think it is better to give [to Nikki] than to receive?

28. Are you open to a long distance Sugar Daddy relationship?

29. Are you the jealous type? If yes, please explain (being the jealous type will not bar you from being accepted as Nikki's Sugar Daddy if you are devastatingly handsome and/or incredibly rich)

30. Are you anybody else's Sugar Daddy (Note: Should you be accepted, you may be asked to relinquish Sugar Daddy responsibilities to other girls.)

Bonus Question: Do you have any connections in the theatre/film business that will help Nikki become a successful (and rich) actress?

Please use the remaining space to tell Nikki anything you feel is pertinent to becoming her Sugar Daddy

The End.

Italics

2011-03-06T10:19:00.000-05:00

In reviewing my last post I have come to a conclusion:

Italics (in this case) = Fail.

The End.

Independently Wealthy

2011-03-05T22:04:00.000-05:00

I'm certain I will be rich some day. Whether it's from a random check that comes unexpectedly in the mail (I ask my mom every day if there's a check for me) or whether money just starts falling out of the sky on me, it WILL happen. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but soon, and for the rest of my life....

So right now I'm going to regale you with the list of many of the things I'm going to learn how to do when I'm rich (I have to wait till I'm rich because many of these require lessons/training that I'll have to pay for)(Also I have decided this would be a good post to explore italics). Here goes....

I will learn to....

Tap Dance
Speak fluent French
Speak fluent Spanish
(at least read) Latin
Play the cello
Ballet (pointe!)
Irish Dance
Card tricks
Make./Crochet Lace
Do good make up
Be a massage therapist
Get a PhD in Philosophy
Appraise antiques
Belly Dance
Pole Dance
Do Aerial Silks
Be an acrobat
Be a mime
Make tomato soup with goat cheese
Make cool foods that I will know so well that I won't even need to use a recipe for
Ice skate
Do Magic tricks
Do American Sign Language
Play the ukelele
Fancy hula hoop stuff
Knit wearable things besides hats and scarves (I can't even make hats yet though)
Face Paint coolness
Make jelly/jam
Mediate
Speak a lot of other cool languages
Drive in the UK
Do a handstand
Be a clown
Drive a horse-drawn cart
Make Crewel embroidery
[some other cool things]

I'm going to learn how to do so much cool stuff when I'm rich!!! It's going to be great! I'm super excited already! Yay!

The End.

Least Exciting Post Ever

2011-02-28T15:31:00.000-05:00

So this week I have only "on call" hours at my job -- I work at a portrait studio and hours are scheduled based on how many appointments we have. My manager (who is pretty awesome) schedules someone "on call" for every day, in case more appointments get booked between when she makes the schedule and when the day comes. So all my hours are "on call", and there are hardly any appointments so it doesn't look like I'll be going in. Also other part time job only uses me on Sundays, so I won't be going in there for another week. This makes me (and my bank account) sad.

However, this comes on the heels of a couple weeks where I had many hours (between the studio and training at the new part job). So my internets communications and my room cleaning and my laundry doing activities have all fallen behind. I spent much of yesterday thinking "wow, I'm going to have most of the week free to get work done! Wee!!". Right now it's 3:23 in the afternoon and what have I done today? Well, I had a wonderful brunch with a friend....and I'm writing this post......and.....I ate some cookies.....and that's about it. This is not a good start to the week. I didn't even work out today. Or fold the laundry I did yesterday. I fail. I'm excited for when I get rich and can pay someone to motivate me to get things done (or pay someone to hide the remote so that I can't watch tv). I just need some help getting started sometimes....

But wait! There's still several hours left in the day -- some of them even before sunset! If I get off the couch *right now* I should be able to accomplish something. Right? RIGHT?? So who's with me?

Guys??

Helloooo??

*sigh*

[grabs the remote]

[flips the channels]

Hmm, Judge Judy's almost on......

The End

ReptiLand!!!!!!!!! Part 3: The Final Chapter

2011-02-24T10:21:00.004-05:00

We all enjoyed the colorful pictures of ReptiLand!!!!!!!!! Part 1 and the hilarious witticisms of ReptiLand!!!!!!!!! Part 2, now NikkiNine and the people living in her head bring you the moment you've all been waiting for: ReptiLand!!!!!!!!!!! Part 3: The Final Snake-Filled Chapter! (cue theme music)....

Snakes!!!

A Cobra!

I have a strange feeling there's something dangerous behind me...

Rattlesnakes!

Some snakes come in pretty colors..... yellow

....and white......


....and orange....

I forget his name, but he was cute.

Python!!!!!!!

I'm excited AND scared!

There were....emu???

I'm *pretty sure* that an emu is *not* a reptile...

I tried to feed him. He was not amused.

This one was more interested. I named him Reginald.

Reginald ate some food. Out of my HAND

I decided that emus are ok after all! (even if they're not reptiles)

There was an (awesome) educational show in here

snake skeleton in the ceiling!!!

Dinosaur fossils!!! Ok, well, reptile fossils.... ok, probably not fossils at all. But they're still cool!!!!

flying turtle skeleton!!!

American alligator, three years old

Omg I got to touch it!!!!!

Boa constrictor

I got to touch this one too!!!!

Revisiting the alligators from Part 1....Just in case you weren't sure how big these things really were....

The End.

What's my Age Again?

2011-02-23T10:24:00.000-05:00

Last year I hit a birthday milestone. I'm not going to tell you what it was -- a lady never tells. (HAHAHAHAHA I just called myself a "lady"!!). But let's just say it was not a milestone that I was thrilled to hit because I'm a girl and girls have problems with age...

Anyway.

When people ask me my age I tell them to guess. Partly because I hate being this old, and partly because it's funny for me to see what they think. I generally get mid-20's, give or take, which is fine with me because that's younger than what my age is. Occasionally people will hit the nail on the head and guess correctly, which is also fine with me. Last spring I bought a lottery ticket, the scenario went like this:

Me: I'd like to buy a quick pick for the mega millions.

Cashier: Ok [turns to get it][turns back][looks at me suspiciously]..... you're old enough, right?

Me: Um.....yes, haha.

Then I got the ticket (I didn't win). You wanna think I'm under 18, that's a-ok with me!

At one of my jobs last Sunday I was talking to a customer about my new hair colour (I just dyed it maroon-y reddish brown. It's pretty). The customer told me about all the crazy styles she used to wear when she was younger and all the colours she dyed her hair and everything, when she was "my age". Then she said "I assume you're in your early twenties?". Wrong, but I'll take it. We laughed, I thanked her.

I think you get the idea.

So yesterday I went with my friend to a clinic so she could get blood drawn. It was about 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. My friend and I are sitting in the waiting room after she had the blood taken and the nurse comes out to check on her and apparently she thought my friend (who's 23) should have been in school and had asked her why she wasn't. We kind of chuckled about that. Maybe she could pass for 18 -- but she's also one of those people who give off an air of maturity/responsibility that's older than she is, so I don't know if I ever would have mistaken her for 18. Then the nurse turned to me and says "Oh, are you her mother?" Yeah, that would make me, what, almost 40? How can I be mistaken for my early 20's on Sunday and then mistaken for 40 on Tuesday? I must've had a rough couple of days....

The end.

Quasi-retorical Questions

2011-02-16T18:59:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you're moving through jello? Or honey? Or peanut butter? (and not in a fun way).

That's today for me. I mean, I went to work today (yay! I only get about two shifts a week, so even a little work is good work), but now I'm home and all I want to do is sit around. I don't have a lot of big stuff to get done -- just answer some emails, answer a few craigslist ads, fold my laundry, print some song lyrics and download some music. But I just don't want to do any of it. The emails and the craigslist ads are easy. But why do they seem like this laborious task? It's so strange.

Tomorrow night I have a rehearsal for a band that I might join and there are probably about 7 songs that I should really put some time into learning before I go. I've put it off for a couple of days -- but why? I'm only shooting myself in the foot -- now I have to spend all day tomorrow learning them. I *could* get started this evening before I go out, but I'm not. I'm so lame. I wish that motivation came in bottled form. Or better yet, in candy form. I'd have SO MUCH motivation!!! Speaking of candy, it's after Valentine's day, I wonder how much clearance candy there is. Hmmm...field trip for tomorrow (after I learn my music, of course).

The End.