It's a long, hard climb...But I'm gonna get there

Thinking Thoughts

2011-09-24T14:51:00.000-07:00

Alrighty then.

It's been a good long time since I posted anything here, and yes, everyone who has patiently waited for more content should be furious with me. Thing is, I've managed to stumble into a rut, and I have no idea how to get out of it.

I've been out of work since the end of June. I spent a month in Florida with a friend of mine who needed the company. truthfully, I needed a break from the world I'd grown up in. Psuedo-independence is a brilliant thing. Coming back to the place I've grown up in was hard, since it was, and still is, stifling, oppressive and without inspiration. As a writer, thinker, dreamer, to live in a place where people are content to 'get by' and follow the norm is as physically painful as breaking a bone. Especially a bone in a part of the body you'd use often. Suffice to say I've been in a considerable amount of pain for years.

The month out of the country has, in my opinion done me good. I'm more sure of myself, in my own opinion. I've always suffered from non-existent self esteem and a moderate (I realize now) anxiety problem. I'd been molested several times during childhood and then thrust into what I like to think of as 'finishing school' by my fathers girlfriend after school. For anyone with self-esteem problems, or even without, not knowing where you stand is hell. To be constantly trying to gain footing in a place where everything was wrong today and right the next was more painful than a physical beating. And then, to make matters worse, I left high school to work in the same environment, the same physical building that the most traumatic experiences of my life happened in. That month away helped me to realize I did not have to be there, that being there, no matter how much I wanted to please my father, was simply unhealthy.

I've always known that I was and am a completely different person in that building than what I am without. It wasn't till I spoke to someone who knew me only in that unhealthy situation as I was away that I fully realized how much different I was. Their exact words were "Oh my God. I've never heard you sound so alive. Did something happen?" Of course nothing happened, at least nothing good. In actuality I had damaged ties with my father, made certain that I would be jobless when I returned home and set myself up to confess secrets that I had been holding for the greater part of 21 years. Utterly terrified was what I thought I was. And I really was. But I was also alive. I was having more fun than I'd ever had in my life because there wasn't anything holding me back. I'd somehow found the strength to let it all go, and it felt, it feels great.

Of course, my parents aren't happy with my current unemployment. At least, my father isn't, an indignation that baffles me every time I think about it, because I don't live with him, I'm still waiting on compensation for pay not received, and he's made it very clear that he has no interest in helping me to do anything.

Let me explain, before someone reads this and goes running to Mr. Lightbourn that his daughter is badmouthing his name on the internet. Before I graduated high school, nearing the end of high school, my father informed me that he could not pay any college tuition I would have. I did not object to this, mostly because it wasn't (isn't) my money, and I have no right to it. I went looking for a job, and at first I didn't find one, and so I was left to pay tuition with the less than $200 a week I was paid for working at his printshop, while paying the other bills I had (have) to pay because my mommy said so. I missed the registration for my second semester, I did not have enough for the semester after that, and things just spiraled out from there.

In all fairness, maybe I sabotaged my chances of going to college subconsciously. I've never wanted to stay here, though I never actually thought that I would ever have the ability/strength/courage to leave. I've always, since I was barely into primary school, wanted to sing. Of course, nothing has ever come from that.

Even so, at 21, I finally know what I want to do with my life. I mean, I always knew, I just thought I could do it. Now, now I'm determined to do it, no matter what.

11 Reasons to love God

2011-06-06T12:54:00.000-07:00

So, this post probably most definitely comes under the 'lust' category, but I'm enforcing a state of willful ignorance on my part for the duration of this post. As a Christian, I know there are hundreds of thousands of reasons to love God, but most people simply take most of them for granted. I'm not preaching, just stating a fact. So I thought I should come up with something we could all appreciate.

I was watching a movie the other day and saw (and heard) something so amazing the phrase "Praise GOD!" burst from my lips even as my eyes became glued to the screen. I was thinking about that yesterday at work and decided that there actually were similar moments all over the internet, and that, for purely research and praise-for-The-Most-High invoking purposes only, I should compile some of them.

And so without further ado, I give you

14 Reasons to Love God

Swoon Edition Volume 1

Milo Ventimeglia

I admit, he's not knock-you-over-the-head good looking, but there's a cuteness about him that just makes you want to look more...

like here....

and here.

Chris Hemsworth

(or, as I like to call him, Eyes)

Johnny Depp

I'll just go picture crazy and let you think of your own comments.

Because you know I couldn't forget this one.

Suffice it to say that Johnny Depp is a beautiful, beautiful man.

James Marsden

I first saw this guy in 'X-Men', and I hadn't a clue who he was. Next I saw him was in 'Enchanted', and I thought he was too adorable. James as a fairytale prince? Win.

James as blind destructo-beam-from-eye-shooting mutant? Win.

James as James?

Cute. But also Win.

Jared Padelecki

I'm not sure how they did this, but this aptly describes the wonderful that is Jared. Don't believe me? Scroll down.

*sigh*

Theo Theodoridis

So, I have no idea who this man is. I 'Googled' 'Beautiful men' and he came up. I'm not very disappointed.

At all.

Mostly for me, its just the eyes. Those eyes are dangerous. They should be illegal.

Channing Tatum

'Nuff said.

But

You know, just in case you needed more.

Common

So, the guy is old. Rapidly approaching forty, to be exact. Thing is, I don't care.

Nick Jonas

Don't care if you're not a Jonas fan and if you're sick of hearing screaming teens breaking the sound barrier every time someone mentions one of the Awesome Three, you have to admit the inherent cuteness-on-the-cusp-of-hotness that is the third Jonas.

Convinced yet?

Joe Jonas

Since I've already exposed this blog to far above the maximum amount of Jonas it can handle without exploding, I'll only post one photo. Don't kill me, just scroll down to the second to last post.

The Jonas Brothers

Because three is better than anything else. Unless its infinity.

Gerrett Hedlund

Ok, so, this is where I go a liiiiiittle bit crazy. Remember up at the beginning I said I saw watching a movie and saw (and heard) something that just nearly blew my mind? This is what I saw.

Now, I admit, that picture is a bit 'blah', which is why I give you this.

If the first line didn't make you swoon, You have a heart made of ice.

I first saw him here, I Tron, three weeks ago when I watched it on DVD. Sunday night I watched both 'Georgia Rule' and 'Country Strong', all without knowing anything about the movies save their titles. Now, I've got two new faves to add to my list, and only half the reason is the great acting.

Garrett as a hick? Win.

Dumbest Madness Ever

2011-05-31T17:54:00.000-07:00

Sooooooooo..................... How's about I just saw the dumbest thing ever just a minute ago.

"Naomi Campbell vs. Cadbury

posted by Claudine Zap, Yahoo! Buzz Log - Tue May 31 2011, 12:34 PM PDT

A new ad for Cadbury chocolate is leaving a bitter taste with Naomi Campbell. The supermodel is looking at "every option available," including legal action, in response to a promotion that compares the celebrity to a Dairy Milk Bliss bar."

......WWhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattt?

Yes, I borrowed that from the OMG! blog on Yahoo. No copyright infringement intended.

But I really need someone to tell me why this is offensive, much less racist. Being compared to chocolate is suddenly bad now? I refer to myself as chocolate all the time. I don't understand...

And there are people actually supporting her! Just go read the article here and decide for yourself. I mean....really?

Yesness

2011-05-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

So, how's about I've just had the best two days ever?

Well, almost.

My bosses were off the island these past two days, so I had the office to myself. Can you say freedom? And its not even like I did anything. I played a few games of solitaire on my lunch break, scanned and printed some stuff I needed for a government application I want to hand in, and breathed free, untainted, un-suppressive air for two whole frickin' days.

Life was good.

In the meantime, I've not managed to get much work done. My manuscript is giving me the heebejeebies, and my music is just not being very nice to me. Actually, I think its my confidence thats the problem. Last week I was feeling on top of the world, even though work made me feel like I should throw myself off the nearest bridge. I was full of good mojo aimed at myself and determination to get this thing right, even if it killed me. But recently I've hit some kind of rut where all my creative work is just blah to me and nothing looks right and nothing I ever do will ever be good enough for anything and I'm better off giving up and crawling under a rock and dying.

Yes, that has been my state of mind lately.

Which is sad, because I really want to make a living singing and writing songs and writing books and being generally productive....and this abysmal mood is killer on my muse.

Here's hoping for better feelings tomorrow!

......................O.O...................JEEZ....................

2011-03-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!!!

O.O...............

...................Wow...

Um.....................

Damn....................

He should be illiegal.....................

So, how's about I got totally distracted from what this post was originally supposed to be when I Googled "Jonas Brothers" in hopes of reading something about potential new music, and THIS

popped up in the Images section. Can you say heart attack? I couldn't. I was too busy staring. Since WHEN did Joe Jonas turn into Hottie McHotpants? Admittedly, I haven't seen him since I watched Camp Rock 2 three months ago, but I usually live under a rock. How come no one told me he was dating Ashley Greene? Not that I knew who she was till three seconds ago... and now I know she was in Twilight. This explains some of my cluelessness; when I finally watched Twilight (after deciding that if I'm going to knock something, I might as well know what I'm knocking) it was a blurry mess one some random site in the middle of the night.

WHICH IS ALL BESIDES THE POINT!!! Last I heard, Joe and Demi had just broken up, for some mysterious reason. But I don't WANT to talk about his (ex)girlfriends!!! I want to talk about THIS

STUDMUFFIN.

I've never had a reason to use that word before, but I think the above pictures give me enough reason. Jeez......

And it's not even his inherent hotness that has me (and girls worldwide) swooning, because there are a lot of hot guys I simply won't give the time of day. But I think he's got a really sweet heart, a real heart, kind of like a hot brownie with a flaky crust but a soft gooey middle, the absolute combination of deliciousness.....

I've just discovered that Joe Jonas (as pictured above) and brownies make for a dangerous thought combination. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!!!

But more to the point, I simply can't resist a guy with stubble. Or a five o'clock shadow, whatever you want to call it.

I just hope that the next time I crawl out from under my rock, he's not thirty and married or something....

Well Hello, Hello...

2010-12-11T14:38:00.000-08:00

Its been far too long since I posted here. November was insanely draining, on both my muse and my sanity, and I'm still revering, so don't expect much. I can say, though, that I successdully completed NaNoWriMo, and my novel So Far Down can be found, in part, on my other blog, Write or Implode, right here on Blogger. I'll be a nice person and link you. www.writeorimplode.blogspot.com
Have I told you people how much I hate working, of any kind? Well, thats not true. I hate working where I do now, but that may just be because it's not fulfilling, at all. I love writing, though I don't do it nearly enough for my sanity. I hate chores. I hate washing dishes, which is probably why I only eat fast/junk food, or none at all. I really don't mind mopping and cleaning bathrooms and stuff, as long as it's not too nasty. I have two younger brother's and I'm dreading the day when we shall be forced to share the same bathroom again.
Like, really, I can't understand it. They have veritable HOSES through which to get their juice from Point A to Pool B; it SHOULD NOT be that hard. How can someone's aim be that bad!!! It's insane!
But I digress.
Johnny Depp is hot. And so is this guy.

And he has FRECKLES!!!!! It's the cutest thing. Even if he IS eighteen years my senior, I would so date him.

You know.....after I acquire a love for washing dishes and stuff.
Common, PLEASE come to The Bahamas!? I'll cook for you. I'll even make it taste good!
I posted a video on Youtube a few days ago. I don't usually get many views, or comments, but I like putting them up.

Now, I've wasted enough of your time here, really. I haven't even said anything worthwhile, besides pointing out the inherent, and obvious, hotness of the above pictured celebrity. Plus, my eyes are starting to hurt.
So, until next time,
Toodles!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-11-21T11:25:00.000-08:00

Yeah. That about sums in up.

SO I haven't written here in a while because I've been busy with NaNoWriMo, working and not working and trying to find a job, plus trying to figure out just what the hell I'm goign to do with the rest of my life. November has been the weirdest month I have ever experienced.

My best friend came back down from Florida, spent a month here that was a tizzy for everyone, went back to prepare for school and broke up with her boyfriend of three years. I was kind of caught in the middle, giving her the strength to not be 'guilted' into staying with him, and the VERY NEXT DAY trying to sort him out and get him to see that it's for the best. Even though this might blow up on us all.

Not to mention the non-drama-drama that has been going on in my life, or lack thereof.

I want to apply to Julliard.

Thing is, I can't read music. I've only had my keyboard for almost three months and I suck. Not a lot, but enough to not be accepted to such a prestigious school. I like to think I'm pretty good at playing by ear though.

There are ten more days in NaNoWriMo, and I only just hit 31k. WHY AM I NOT WRITING NOW???? I don't know. I think I may have broke my brain.You know, aside from the fact that that my characters have a mind of their own and just completely through me for a loop. Again.

Inn other news, I've noticed when I lay on my back, or rest my head on a headrest of something I get a headache out of this world. My sister says she has the same problem, but our mother says we're weird. Love that woman. But paired with my other weird aches and pains, I'm starting to get a tad bit worried.

OH! Did I tell you we have until December 31st to find somewhere else to live, my mother is hellbent on buying the house next door but can't find anyone to sign with her and come January 1st we might very well be homeless? No? Oh well, now you know.

If there are any millionaires out there who need a wife, really, I make a mean tuna casserole..........

YES!

2010-10-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, can I just say that buying your own things is probably the most exhilirating experience that a girl is ever going to encounter, short of an orgasm.

But we're not here to talk about those. We're here to talk about me. And my EPIC new laptop.

I've had it for about five hours, done a bit of exploring, and I've already decided that Windows 7 is the greatest invention known to man, save for the amazing portable systems that it can be used on.

Seriously, this thing is awesome. Everyone out there should go buy an Acer. The Acer Aspire 5334-2581 is simply amazing. It's cool and crisp and sophisticated which makes me feel kinda cool and crisp and sophisticated, which is a REALLY big deal for me.

All this typing and no typos. Hello! I've never experienced anything like this. My last laptop was a Dell, and let me tell you, that old thing pales in comparison. This screen is HUGE, even though it's only 15 inches, and CLEAR! LCD's are awesome, I've decided. No other type of screens should be used on laptops. Ever. And I love this keyboard. It's going to get so much use....So, so much.......

I'm tackling my first ever NaNoWriMo in two days, so on December first I'll declare my verdict. But for now, this baby moves like a dream, loads faster than a Jag on a highway, smoother than The Fonz in that shiny leather jacket.....everything a girl could ever want in a bit of technology.

Coupled with my EPIC Nokia 5800 XpressMusic, I am one happy camper right now. I will never ever buy another brand of laptop. If I have to update every week for the next ten years to keep this baby up, it will be worth it. I just can't see myself getting tired of this. Ever.

I should probably go to bed, since I have church in the morning, but I think I'll tinker around on this thing for a while longer. Best non-birthday present I've bought myself.........Definitely.

Oh ya...... I can do this!

2010-10-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

Soooooo.............its been waaay too long since I sat down and wrote something. Anything. It's been like months since I sat down and strung two words together on paper (or screen). Well, except for my HP fanfic, but that development was only a few days ago.

Am I looking forward to this? Maybe. Yea, I think so.

I don't even really have a purpose set in mind for this post. This is just me rambling, and hoping something remotely sensible comes out.

Oh dear, sweet pancakes someone give me a shot of adrenaline, PLEASE! I've somehow managed to in the last few months turn into the human equivalent of a sloth: complete with wide glassy eyes and slow reactions. Add an extreme dose of apathy, and VOILA! You've got me.

I wrote on my Tumblr blog (http://www.tumblr.com/tumblelog/treyla21) that I'm not in college for a strange variety of reasons, including the fact that I don't want to go and there really isn't anything that is going to change my mind. For so long I'd just felt so much like I was stuffing myself into a box that I just can't fit in, that now I've just decided to flop. Whatever happens, happens.

WHICH IS NOT HELPING ME ONE BIT!

So I've decided, that I need to wake up. FAST.

How am I going to do that? NO IDEA!

You'd think going out and buying that electronic keyboard you've wanted since your elder sister had one and immersing yourself in music would be a good way, right? Only sorta, kinda. Playing the piano is HARD. Especially when you haven't a clue what you're doing. Well, to leave that statement un-ammended would be lying. I think I'm pretty good with the piano, for someone who's only had it for a little of a month. I've been working on my scales (because for some reason it didn't occur to me to start with those at first), and I've learned the chords to six songs already (accuracy is, of course, something to work on), plus one original song I'm finally putting to music. The internet really is an amazing thing.

I plan to get back into writing in future as well. My, like, seven different original novels have been in the back of my mind, screaming at me to get my act together. I mean honestly, if I were pregnant and had just been kicked out of my dad's house, and living in a half-way house full of ex-drug addicts and recovering alcoholics, I'd want someone to hurry the hell up with my story, too. Thing is, for most of my stories I haven't a clue how to get what I've got set up in my head out onto paper. But I guess the saying "You never know until you try" comes into play here.

Other than that, and of course, job-hunting (I work with my dad and its driving me insane), my life is pretty much uneventful. I used to know what I was getting up for in the morning. Now, I'm not so sure. The highlights of my life are Glee and House M.D. episodes, and that only accounts for Monday and Tuesday nights.

When did I become so boring? I used to be the insane one in my group of friends. The one for whom a Cadbury's chocolate bar equated a whole pound of cocaine. What the hell happened to me? Did I die and not know it? Is some creepy kid going to make me remember the gruesome, bloody way in which I went?

I hope so........It'd add a bit of zest to this salad.

I can't even buy a good book because the time I'm done being a 'responsible adult' I haven't any cash left!

For all you young'uns out there, DON'T GROW UP!!! You think high school is hard? You don't want to experience the real world.

I think I'm done ranting for the day. Hopefully tomorrow I go back to work (I had a week off. Week ends on Tuesday), and if not, then...........who knows. I don't. 'Going with the flow' only works if there is actual flowing, you know?

This is not a happy monkey.