It's All About People!

Book Review "Crucial Conversations"

2009-12-11T02:32:00.000-08:00

Summary:

Everyday of our lives we interact with many people. At home we interact with our parents, siblings, wife and children. At work we interact with our colleagues. We interact with people we have not met before when we travel for business and pleasure. In every sphere of life, our interaction with people plays an important and more often than not a crucial role in our success or failure. And the basis of all these interactions are conversations.

“What is a crucial conversation?” Contrary to common belief, a crucial conversation need not necessarily involve big sums of money, power-play or business deals. It can be as simple as “Which movie do we see this weekend?” The husband may want to see a particular movie and the wife another. But neither is willing to compromise and come to an understanding. It’s the perfect recipe for an emotional argument. The end result is that neither is happy. All of us have been involved in these situations where seemingly harmless conversations turn into high-pitched emotional battles.

There is one thing that is common among all of these conversations. Emotions. More often than not simple, harmless conversations turn crucial because emotions run high. And once emotions run high, we stop thinking logically. We turn defensive. We turn to silence. We sometimes become violent. The first step is learning how to identify when a conversation turns crucial and how one can act quickly to restore meaning to a conversation before it deteriorates into a meaningless battle of high emotions. Our initial reaction is that all of this is easy to say and difficult to practice. It seems difficult because we do not consciously check where our conversation is headed. Our emotions mask our logical thinking and take us to another plane from where we fail to see the purpose of the conversation. In most cases, both parties actually have a common goal. The failure in identifying this goal results in the failure of the conversation. Like in the case above, the purpose of their conversation was to find a way of enjoying the weekend. Had either one of them realized that they had gone off the track and lost the purpose of the conversation, the end result may have been very difficult. The key to mastering Crucial Conversations, is knowing when a conversation has turned crucial.

The common goal that we are talking about lies in the heart. When emotions mask this, we forget the aim of the conversation. We should learn to question ourselves in the midst of a conversation, “Is this what I want? Is this what we both want?”. The answer to these questions will tell us whether the conversation is headed the right way. Start with the Heart, as the authors say is like a radar showing you the way through your crucial conversation. If we learn to follow it, we will never lose our way through a crucial conversation.

Once we know we are in a crucial conversation and identify what we want, the battle is half won. The important thing to realize is that this realization has come to us. So the onus is on us to get the conversation back on track and put in extra efforts to bring this realization to the other parties. We must not get frustrated and angry if the other parties refuse to tow our line in the beginning. With this in mind we move to the techniques which we can use to do this.

People will only talk to you freely if they feel that you have their best interests in their mind. If they know that you mean only their well-being, they would feel safe. Once everyone shares their thoughts, any misunderstanding is ironed out. Thoughts flow freely and this helps us in getting all the facts out. This is important because often when we get emotional, the facts of the situation are left behind and our stories, derived from the facts but twisted by our emotions, take its place instead.

It is very important for all the parties involved to state all the facts pertaining to the conversation. Once this is done, each party can state it’s views and everyone explores each others views. After all our thoughts, perspectives and facts are pooled together, one can clearly see the path everyone is following. This helps us see our differences clearly. It also brings out the positives and negatives of each approach. Thus everyone can work together to bring out the common purpose of the discussion. All this paves the way for a meaningful and mutually beneficial decision to be taken.

The final step in concluding the conversation is deciding on what is to be done and who is to do it. This is also very crucial since very often we assume the actions that result out of a conversation are to be done by someone else or would happen by themselves.

After reading all of this, the first feeling one gets is that there are too many things to remember. “How can one carry on a conversation keeping all of this in mind?”. The truth is it takes a long time to master this skill. It requires dedication and diligence on our part to be successful. The aim should be work on it one technique at a time. Master the usage of that technique and then move on to the next one. To help us in doing this, the ‘conversation’ has been defined as a process consisting of well-defined steps. For each step a skill has been identified. So we concentrate on one skill at a time and improve our conversation skills.

The book takes you through all the techniques very smoothly without ever burdening you with too many thoughts and ideas. Everything seems so natural and simple. That is the biggest strength of the book.

This book is for everyone. Mothers, teenagers, business people, shop-keepers, fathers, in short everyone. Because every one of us interact with people in our lives. The impact of learning these skills is huge and you wonder how you never thought of this before. If you think carefully about some of the most important conversations you have had in your life, you would realize how much of an impact usage of these skills could have had on the outcome of those conversations.

Mastering this art, only requires willingness to practice this everyday of your life. It could change your life.

What I have learnt:
The biggest gain from reading this book was that I got to know myself better. I realized the mistakes I make and have made in my conversations. I realized the umpteen number of times I have been in a crucial conversation without realizing it and as a result of which the conversation failed. How different things would have been had I handled those conversations better.

Initially I felt that there are too many techniques to learn. Unless I master all the techniques, my conversations will not get any better. But as the author himself says, that is absolutely untrue. Every technique that you concentrate on and improve upon, takes you closer towards your goal. I believe we will see the benefits of these efforts as our conversations become more fruitful.

I have consciously started thinking about my conversations now. I keep track at the back of my mind that I need to look out for the moment, where my conversation may go wrong. It is easier said than done. I have failed to do this most of the time. I forget to do so in the heat of the conversation. But I am keeping my efforts up. It will take me quite some time to learn this.

Conversing with someone on touchy and emotional has never been my strong point. I constantly get emotional and if attacked withdraw and turn silent. This has always been the case. Therefore it gets all the more difficult to change my basic nature. These techniques will help removing this trait of mine.

The good part is that I have realized how important this is and am willing to put efforts. I know I am going to fail many times but that is natural. I will improve as I put these techniques into practice. I can practice this with my family and at work with my colleagues. I need not depend on anyone. The efforts have to come solely from me.

I feel practicing these techniques will bring clarity to my thoughts and enable me to express my thoughts in a better way. Hence, improve my interaction with people around me. It would give me confidence to step out and talk to people. Something which I lack today.
I feel that everyone should read this book. It could change the way we talk and influence people. It could change the quality of our lives.

Those were the Years!

2009-12-11T02:31:00.000-08:00

All these years have been a sort of roller coaster ride in terms of the kind of things that have happened. I am not sure, if one can look at it in retrospect or one needs to introspect, however, it is mandatory that at each and every turning point in life, one should take an objective view of the situation.

I wonder what life has given me! How it has shaped the events and situations! Guess, although it has been good, there have been things that were not contemplated. In the circle of life, this is bound to be the reality. The other day, I started thinking about my relationships and how they have added to my life. I looked at how I have grown as a person and why is it that today, I have had mixed feelings.

It seems like a story told long ago about a boy who wanted to make it to the top with his own courage and conviction. My mind wanders thinking about so many things. I am surprised that they were part of my life and I am dumbstruck thinking about how closely, I have seen them come and touch me.

One also understands that a course of events make you the way you are, what it means to have someone and lose someone at the same time. I heard long time back that people come and people go. Some leave an impression and some leave scars. If you are not bitter about the experiences that you have had in your life, I presume, it would be considered an achievement. What does bitterness all about? It's about how you look at the rest of the world and if you look at them through tinted glasses or with a clear vision then the definition of the term would change.

My friend Rebecca would always tell me stories of how she counseled the people in marriage while she was consulting and how much of difference it has made in their lives. I guess, on a macro level, I am thinking about the same thing. I have always believed that I have been sent on this earth to serve a purpose and not just for living like so many other species. I need to work on my contribution to humanity or whoever I can help. I am not sure how much I have been able to achieve. yaah! may be just a fraction. I don't know who has sowed the seeds of love into my heart but I would like to believe that it is Mom who has done that. I consider all my jobs as events that have taken place in my life. "Being in Merind" was an event of almost three years and I have enjoyed it thoroughly. I could not comprehend how it would be before I joined them.

I have met so may people and I have had so many interactions of varied nature that today, it seems like a dream. The everyday workings, the training programs, the experiences of each training program and so much more. It would be foolish not to quote the people. They were my real providers of encomiums I received for all the three years.

There is one aspect of my life which I would never be able to let go and that being the way I have understood Human Mind. I am sure that had it not been Merind, I probably would have never understood it so deep. Merind provided me with a platform to experiment and do things that I thought were appropriate. It dawned on me later that it actually boiled down to what I was looking for in a career, the Freedom to do good work!

So many people have come and gone and I have had so many experiences. Some people were nice and some were not so nice. Nice would mean forthright and clean hearted. I have formed bonds and I have had quarrels. Looking back, they seem very funny. Primarily due to the fact that they seemed personalized where as actually they weren't. If I ever have to thank someone, it would be the almighty for giving me an opportunity like that. I have always longed to come to work. I would abhor the thought of sitting at home over the weekends. By the time, I completed six months of my tenure here, I had Merind as my second home or should I say, home away from home.

While I was growing up as a person, there were so many personal experiences which actually crossed my path and I have been pleasantly surprised and sometimes, taken aback. During those years, I consolidated my values of giving respect and receiving respect. I have seen so many people who have walked up to me at some or the other point to say things because they did not have any other avenue. My counseling fundamentals and expertise was developed here. There were times when I actually thought that I was serving a purpose by being there.

I guess, during these three years it dawned on me that life was far more cruel and harder than I had anticipated. There were these situations of trauma, the enchantment of doing something new, the delight of finding good friends, the pains of non understanding by the close people and yes, the feeling of being vacant.
I hope the journey continues, may be, a little pleasantly!

Strange World

2009-12-11T02:26:00.000-08:00

How strange is this world!
Shares with no one, shows no affection
In the midst of the maddening rush, it blows kisses in thin air
Leaving you exhausted and in despair
I wonder what happens to their feelings
Are they bottled and isn’t it killing?
I presume, no one has the time
Even if it festers, live with it, it ain’t a crime
They are wounds and they need nursing
Some nurse them and some live it up cursing
In the end, the choice is yours to make
Thoughts, everyone has their own take
Thunder storms hit every life
Maneuvering through this is the trick of life
The path might meander through a rocky surface
Just ensure you don’t come out of it with a scar face
Is life as difficult as it really seems?
Is everyday full of rituals one lives?
Can we have some humanity in this concrete jungle?
Living life, don’t tell me now that, it’s a gamble.

Soul Searching

2009-12-11T02:24:00.000-08:00

The mind’s deep, so they say
It’s to be believed n I may
Bond’s are long lasting, they’ll stay
Still… peaceful heart for which one prays.

The black clouds heighten the darker side
Thundering and lightening a roller coaster ride
Gusty winds-n-emotions slide
Yet… a tiny shrub stands with pride

The thorns prick and the blood flows
Wounds heal but the scars grow
Suffering continues-n-life seems slow
Gosh!... are the snowstorms life’s real blows?

The tears roll down, and the eyes don’t dry
The heart aches, but one must try
Losing faith is no direction
Is low socializing a worthy alteration?

Life’s unfair but you weigh it fair
In the eyes of uncertainties, you must stare
Of course, it’s complicated but you are the hero
Why do you think you are a big zero?

The ocean’s expanse, a real mystery
Dissecting your past, a worthless scrutiny
Sure, your heart must be feeling like ebony
Closing yourself, isn’t it an irony?

People still dive and explore the ocean
Rivers still flow, yet, lose no identification
It’s difficult to fathom your tribulations
What you are doing is self infliction

Think about kids and your energy is needed
Think about friends and your warmth is wanted
Think about parents and their support is extendedThink about your emotions, why do you want them exterminated?

An Echanting Monsoon

2009-12-11T02:22:00.000-08:00

While I mastered my mind
When I went deeper
Nothing more expected to find
Realized, I was the reality keeper.

One such simple day
The exploration began
A thunder struck
A lightening hit us

In the brightness of that light
Vulnerability cropped
The reality crystallized
It almost cleared the air and sight.

I wondered and I cried
I justified and I dived
Whipped the bottom of my mind
Only aspiration I could find.

I wanted a friend and a guide
Wanted someone to stand by my side
Someone who would be real and sound
I knew that’s who I‘d found.

Over the bridge the water gushed
The wild floods then rushed
The peace was naturally crushed
Everything seemed drained and flushed.

Sun rose again in the sky
Tender rays gave pleasure and joy
Wondered if it really happened and why
I looked at it with a roving eye.

A long span has gone by
The growth has continued, oh! My!
Seasons’ve changed and the understanding
An enchanting monsoon is always demanding.

July 3, 2009