It's all normal to me!!!!

Life....it's always kicking you in the balls

2011-12-29T21:00:00.000-05:00

Nothing good to write.....things are crap.

Wish me luck!

Where oh where to start....

2011-12-22T10:11:00.000-05:00

Life has been crazy. Can't really get into absolutes right at this moment...but suffice it to say that I never saw my life changing this much this quick.

One of the best things that I have been experiencing has been talking to and starting a relationship with a man I went to high school with. We were really close friends (of course I had a crush on him) and stayed in touch as best as we could. He joined the Marines out of high school and proud is not the word for it. I knew he would be the perfect person to protect our country....with a little help of course. I just can't put into words how honored I was back then (and still am) to know that he choose that. His brother (another best friend) joined the year later....I lost both of my fave guys but was so super proud of them.

Happy to say that they have done tours over seas and came home without physical injuries. My guy, AJ, is no longer enlisted based on a choice he made for his and his ex wife and their children. He is the father of a 12 year old girl and 10 year old boy.

I never knew that love was unconditional and that it meant that the tears that I cry are happy not sad. He does not raise his voice...he looks at me like I created this world and he is just happy to exist in it. This is truly unexplainable!

I love this man and he loves me. It's the first time I can honestly say that without a glimmer of doubt nagging me....

Living with parents....

2011-11-02T11:27:00.004-04:00

So the living with my parents thing has been good so far. I love them but it is always hard to live with a parent after being on your own for so long. I am excited about getting into the new place, which I should be getting more info on today.

(Update)
makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out....

New beginnings!

2011-11-02T11:26:00.001-04:00

I am all moved in to my new place. Dom and I are settling in while Ethan is staying with my mother so that he can finish school.

Things are going to be just fine....

Update: No...things suck!

Life lesson #94,520,939,482

2011-11-02T11:25:00.000-04:00

As you all know I have two boys. One is 12 and the youngest is 5.

Both of my boys love food and while I try to curb their snacking. I was unprepared for my youngest's requests. We will get up in the morning around 7am and he will have breakfast....within five or ten minutes he is asking for lunch or dinner....or a snack.

He acts like he is starved and dying....

Lesson to be learned....he is not in fact starving or dying!

I need to get back to this.....

2011-11-02T11:23:00.002-04:00

Lots has happened. Lots! First things first. I am going to be 33 soon
and that is fine by me. Normally I would be freaking out bit I am taking
a different approach this year. Acceptance. Yea, that's it.

Ethan is doing well. What can I say he is 12 and knows way more than I do.
I don't think I have addressed the fact that he ADHD on here too
much. I don't like the label and I really struggle with trying to put
my thoughts into a coherent process that allows me not to want to rip my hair out.
He is not currently taking his perscription because when I picked him up at camp I
forgot it. So they are sending it to us and we have still not gotten it.
Also he is a ball of nerves, always stressed, always worried, thinking about things a normal 12 year old does not need to think about, emotional and angry also. It does not help that his little brother tries to be just like Ethan and hurts him a lot but does not realize his power.

Dominic is another whole entity. This kid can crack me up and then in the next second you are pretty much being taken to task for some slight made against him.

All in all things are ok....

Riley Rose!

2011-11-02T11:21:00.000-04:00

Just found this adorable picture of Riley and thought I would post it here. I miss her so bad!

There is a reason for the rebound

2011-11-02T11:20:00.000-04:00

I just realized something.....

It's not normal anymore. I feel weird...different...off.

This is not what is normal anymore. Rereading through old posts around the time of my break from Joe found me bawling...could NOT tell you why.

I think I miss him...but then I remember things and I am glad about this decision that I made, then there are the moments where I see a specific person and all thoughts of Joe are gone...then I am alone with my brain and my thinking...

I have come to the conclusion that this is how the rebound was coined...It makes complete sense to me.

Titles are stupid.

2011-11-01T23:42:00.001-04:00

I have come to the conclusion that this area is not the right area if you want to make any money. But what can I do about that? Fuckin nothin. That's what. I am single now with two young boys and no job. No child support. Nothing! This sucks and I am completely done with it already.

I have not even been single a year and I already want a boyfriend and have someone to come home to.

I think I am going to join a monastery. At least I will know what to expect.

Sad.

2011-09-22T23:22:00.001-04:00

Life has been quite odd lately. Feelings and emotions I never expected to feel have surfaced at really weird times. Unhelpful times. April was when I left Joe and all was going ok. I was really liking the alone time but then had moments where Joe would come over to visit the boys and that was fine. I knew he wanted and fully intended to be a family again but I was remaining in my thought process of making the changes I needed to make. Then about a month ago things all changed and I find out he is seeing someone knew. Even though the break up was my decision this new chapter in his life meant actual closure and that has been hard for me. Harder than I ever imagined. I want to hate him so badly and I do....but then I don't and I miss the good times. But then I kick myself because there were far more bad than good and this decision was the best for all of us.

To add more to this already stupid puzzle that is my life, I ended up going on quite a few dates with this guy who was awesome in all ways except the intimate ones. Also realizing that I physically missed him after just knowing him a week scared the shit out of me. I backed off. This sucked because I think we did connect.

So now I am back to square one. I am trying to take time for me only and do things not revolving around looking for a guy...but this is all so new to me!

Huh?

2011-09-02T23:55:00.001-04:00

I don't like confusion or not understand where my flipping feelings are. One minute I miss him the next I want to move on with someone else, but want to stay single for a long while. Don't like the feeling of being out of control.

I have not worked since the beginning of August and I temped this last week. To say that I am tired is an understatement.

The boys are great. School starts in four days. I can't be more excited for Dom to be going into Kindergaten. Ethan and I are going to be proactive about 7th grade, not like in sixth grade!

I really wish I could travel. I wish I could just find the guts to finally do something that I dream of.

I am not happy. That is fact.

What a day.

2011-08-16T22:54:00.001-04:00

While my last post had me frustrated and confused about where my life has taken me, today was the complete flippin opposite. No energy and desire to do anything. Happy to have not fallen asleep at noon ( did at two, but that's not the point), happy that I made lunch for the boys. Tomorrow I have a goal! wake up at a normal time and make the boys waffles. Clean the house. Do some homework. Finish laundry. Finish dishes. Make them lunch. And then dinner. And then crash! Here's to hoping I make it.

This was not my dream.

2011-08-13T16:49:00.001-04:00

While I like the place that the boys and I live, I did not picture this as our life. I knew that when I had Ethan 12 years ago that life would be a challenge, what I did not expect was to go to college and try to better my life....to be here, with no job...wondering why I am going further in debt while still trying to get my bachelors.

I recently got a job at a seafood place in my area....the owner of the company apparently did not think that I was worthy of the skills I know that I have. I however know that when you run a business you do not yell and scream at your employees at all. I was only there a month and a half and did not have adequate training to begin with so mistakes were made. Still no one deserves to be called an effing idiot. Or effing stupid. Needless to say I am no longer there, but this is sad to me because even though the boss was a complete prick, I still loved the job and the other people that I worked with.

So I am just going to keep on keeping on and see where this life takes us from here.....

Oh. My. God.

2011-06-04T10:40:00.000-04:00

I am giving away two slightly used children, one 12 the other 5.

That is all.

Like a glove

2011-05-02T20:19:00.000-04:00

Things are starting to fit into place.

I am moving into my new place in the next couple days. I have two great little boys that needs oodles of emotional work and that is being addressed!

I am feeling good. Better than I ever have. I feel free, like a huge weight is off my shoulders. I can not wait to have my own bed, my own house, my own rules, my own life. No one to answer too. I might become addicted to being single. That would be funny.

On a bright note...the bestie has started dating a guy that she is giddy over....and he seems equally smitten.

I just want her to be happy and set for life. She deserves it! I will catch up someday.

I am still battling the fact that the ex is thinking that he is going to change and get me back. I have told him I don't know what the future will hold but I have a plan to change me and who knows what I will want when I get there....I just hope I am not inadvertently leading him on. I know my words aren't.

14 years is a long time though.....so I know he is hurting. I am too. I have spent the better part of the last 8 feeling like a total and utter loser!

So all in all things are good, or getting better!

Celebration and changes.

2011-05-01T07:38:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I held Dominic's 5th birthday party at my mothers where the boys and I are staying. I know he had fun and I am really thankful for that!

His father was able to come and was personable and interacted with the people at the party. He has been very vocal in the fact that he messed up and is glad that we are taking this break because he intends to become the man and father that the three of us deserve. I am very vocal when I tell him that it will have to proven and even then I don't know what will happen. My heart is definitely breaking because of course I have love for him, and I am also frustrated because I (and many others) feel that he should have come to this realization years ago. Having no job sent him into a depression that I don't think he even knew how to handle. I do know that he is seeing a therapist and has openly said that he thinks he has a resentment towards women. He wants to understand and move past that. He wants to grow. If nothing comes of this I hope he can change for his sake.

I have enabled him for too long and he has been an angry man for too long.

Here is to a new chapter!

Ch ch ch changes.....

2011-04-27T19:18:00.000-04:00

It is quite apparent to me at this time that I am not suited to live with my parents after having been on my own for so long. My mother watches a little girl who is very hyper and very obstinent and it is so hard to tolerate. My stepfather listens to the tv at decibels that would make a dog whine. My children don't like to stop bickering. I love them all but this being single and living with parents is for the birds.

So I can't wait till I move is what I am saying.

2011-04-26T12:45:00.000-04:00

Everything is all coming together. I am feeling good and positive.

Excited with the possibilites and moving into my own place. The boys are starting to change little bits at a time. It is a time for growth and curiosity.

I am really curious and while I am not completely ready to get back out there and date, I wanted to see what was out there! Needless to say I am nervous.

My family is being so awesome and supportive, which does not surprise me at all. I love and cherish them and have been "gone" too long!

Jenn is happy for me and really worried I will go back as I have so many times before. It won't happen and I can't wait until I prove it to everyone including myself!

Life and all its warts.

2011-04-23T10:08:00.001-04:00

So life has been tricky this last week. I left my children's father but was still living in the house with him because neither of us had a place to go. We have animals to think about. So it all came to a head this morning and I called my mother for her to come get me and the boys. I am now, for the time, living at my mothers with my children until I get further notice on if I get the new place.

I have just started this morning the crying process that I need to go through. I will NOT return to this life. I am excited for all the new opportunites. I just want to start new.

2011-04-22T08:37:00.001-04:00

So last nights post was very therapeutic. I am getting prepared for moving and hoping that the housing company will allow the boys and I to move under the circumstances. I feel like a huge weight is lifting off of my heart and head. My children are kind of in limbo and so am I. I feel like I just need this so I can start to make the changes that I have been craving to make for so long. I don't feel like getting up and going for walks because I am physically and mentally tired of my situation. I am frustrated for my choices and I am sorry that I have been a problem or a worry for my friend and family.

I can not wait to post my new start post!

Update: Housing is allowing me to move as soon as I find a place. I am so thankful for this because usually you have to be in a place a year. But based on the circumstances, they are helping me out. I can not thank them enough.

Not really sure anymore!

2011-04-21T21:43:00.000-04:00

I suck at this. Writing my thoughts down when I don't think anything that happens to me even matters to others.

I am in a rut and don't know how to get out!

For people close to me it is something that they have heard millions of times. This frustrates me because I really do not want to be a disappointment to anyone and I know I have been. My best friend even doubts how much loyalty I have because of my boyfriend.

What is the saying? "Regrets, I have a few"!

I don't like living with regret. But I do....daily. I regret not being brought up in a more financially comfortable situation so that I would not have to be in college right now. I regret not going after my dream of becoming a singer. I regret letting my singing voice become a waste and not keeping up my training. I regret holding in my feelings for long periods of time. I regret lots...but I don't regret meeting Joe. We have had a long 14 years. LOOOOOONNNNGGGGG.....14 years. It has been mostly tumultuous and turmoil and some happy sprinkled in. I don't think that is how it is supposed to be though. It is why I have been really unhappy for sooo sooo sooo long....

I don't want to be one of those women/men who settle. I want to make a comfortable living. I want to see the United States. I want my children to have an education. As it is right now, we are all screwed. Living in this state is the problem, but moving is not an option. I have done that way too much to my children. I am going to be doing it again to them soon.

The fact of the matter is that I have not been talking to the people that care because I am ashamed. I have said many times over the years that Joe and I are through and that this time it will be the end. I have let us slip back into whatever it is that we are. I always go back on my word. All I know is that I think any human has a final breaking point and an "I'm seriously fuckin done" moment. I guess it was the day Jenn messaged me and I could feel the hurt in her words. I have always stuck up for her when Joe "teases" her. It is ridiculous and I hate to listen to it and I tell him to can it all the time. This specific incident was harder because she is in pain about it and I am the one that has, in her eyes, let it go. She does not hear what I say when I am not on the phone but what you don't hear does not matter really. Right?

I have made the decision to find a different place to live with my two handsome boys that deserve a mother that is there for them and not hiding behind a fake persona. I have said that this is a decision that I have made before but all I can say to that is that I have a different feeling with this one. It feels right. It feels cathartic. I am happy about this and not in anyway engaging Joe is a discussion about "us". Those damn discussions are what make it so easy for me to feel bad and just see where things go. June three years ago I told him that if counseling did not work I was walking. This is me walking.

So there it is folks. I am flawed and sad. But happy too! Talk about your confusion.

Random thoughts and discoveries.

2011-01-16T14:48:00.002-05:00

Just saw the commercial for the Victoria Secret line “The Nakeds “… Really?? What’s next? “The who needs undies” line? I mean if you are selling underclothes I get it.. But really. That is leaving NOTHING to any imagination! They might as well just say “who needs panties and bras?”.

My issue with this might also be because I have never not once been able to fit into or afford anything they have ever sold. Which leads me to a funny thought!…

About two years ago I went to the mall with my best friend…who is thin! She can go to Abercrombie and find lots of things that will fit her…me?…not so much! So I went to the mall with Jenn and we went into Abercrombie and she was off to find just the right white shirt for whatever she needed one for at the moment…I just trailed behind her and was just dreaming about how friggin cute I could be with like 50 lbs gone…so she goes over to a rack and I see the stuff next to the register and see some chap stick and pick one up to look at and look over at Jenn and yell to her “Hey Jenn, I found something that will fit me!”…needless to say she just shook her head. It was hilarious to me!

Luck!

2011-01-08T17:06:00.000-05:00

Wow...my last couple weeks have been kinda crazy!

First I have been interviewing for jobs and recieving the inevitable letter saying that I suck and they would rather hire a rabid skunk than me. That is an uplifting letter to get let me tell you. Ha!

Actually on Thursday of this week I had an interview and I am PRAYING I get it. It would be the most I have ever made and it would be PERFECT for me. Please think of me and keep me in your happy thoughts....you know the whole 1 and half people that read this!

The kids are still as active as they ever have been, and keeping me on my toes.

The day after Christmas I got a call from the people that sold us Riley. Back in Junewe had to have them take her back because we were not able to take care of her anymore. Then in July we moved to a place that would allow dogs but they were not showing signs of giving her back. We were kinda hoping they would but never really sure. So...the 26th I got the call and we have been elated ever since. We have our beautiful baby girl back and she is the BEST dog ever. She does not bark, she is loving, she is awesome with the kids and the kitten we had gotten about 3 months ago. She stays right next to us and does not run off. Just superb!

I am also back in school myself and that is adding a certain something to our lives. If Joe or I could just get jobs then life would start to improve financially.

Wish me Luck!

Short post today!

2010-12-15T16:56:00.000-05:00

I have been unemployed since June 2010. This is the second longest I have been employed and the longest without any income at all. Life with kids is hard when you can't even bring them out to get a one dollar toy. I am an adult, I can deal with it but my kids are only kids once. My eleven year old still believes and I know that it won't last. For that I am sad. My biggest fear is that this is the year he starts to doubt. There is usually at least one thing under the tree that is from Santa.....this year there is none. I know that it's not the stuff it's the giving, but I have two children that believe and I want to prolong that.

So there you have it. A sad season for me.

Laugh out Loud

2010-12-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

There are so many things that make me laugh out loud or LOL. I just came across a picture that someone sent to Ellen and she put it on facebook.

I hope when you click it enlarges it and you can see the scent. You really truly have to appreciate this one, folks!