It's News, Dammit!

Obama Administration redefines "round"

2009-06-03T06:30:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC - Rectangular is the new round. At least, if you're in the Obama administration.

According to a recent WhiteHouse.gov blog post, Vice President Joe Biden held "a roundtable with business leaders ... to discuss how the Recovery Act is providing new opportunities for creativity and innovation in business."

However, close examination of the photo of the event shows nary a round table to be found.

Eight men (including the VP) can be seen sitting at a rectangular table on a raised platform in front of more than a dozen people seated in chairs.

When asked to confirm that a "round table" event did in fact occur, White House staff responded in the affirmative.

What will the administration redefine next?

Obama admits "hasty" decisions were mistakes

2009-05-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

Obama spoke openly with reporters today about the fallout of what his administration considers to have been "hasty decisions" it has made that turned out not to be the right decisions.

"On Wednesday, my White House Spokesman was quoted saying, 'We've made some hasty decisions that are now gonna take some time to unwind. Closing Guantanamo bay obviously is one of those decisions,'" the President said. "Unfortunately that decision was not the only hasty one I made."

Obama laid out a number of other decisions he has come to regret from the first 100 days of his administration, noting that these are just a few: promising to do things in a bi-partisan manner, promising a five-day "sunshine period" before signing any bill from Congress, and choosing a Portuguese Water Dog for the family pet.

Bipartisanship: "Frankly, I was a fool to believe that I could convince Republicans to vote for my socialist policies. It's obvious they will only vote for those policies when one of their guys is in charge. My bad."

Five days: "Sometimes you're just so eager, you know, so how can you wait five whole days? I mean, maybe on boring bills I could wait that long, but there's just so much government to build up and I'm so excited to do it."

Dog: "Perhaps selecting a Portie was a hasty decision. I mean, should the leader of the nominally-free world be expected to pick up poop for the next dozen or so years? Maybe we should have gone with an Irish Wolfhound or Bloodhound, which generally live about half that long. Plus there's no scientific evidence that the Porties or any dogs are hypo-allergenic anyway."

Jason leads in closed helpdesk tickets

2005-10-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

"In your face, helpdesk!"

Jason ordered the helpdesk closed this morning, after he took a decisive lead in the number of closed tickets for the month of October.

"Statistically, Jason has surpassed the rest of the team by an infinite percentage with the closure of his latest helpdesk ticket," says Jim, Jason's manager. "This is an accomplishment of which Jason can be proud. In fact I've just put in an order for a lucite plaque for Jason."

Jason was unconcerned that helpdesk requests might go unsolved if the helpdesk is closed. "They can take care of those tickets next month. For the rest of this month, I will bask in my own glory."

Insider: Google, Hormel to form strategic alliance

2005-09-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

Speaking under conditions of anonymnity, a Google employee informed us that Google has agreed to form a strategic alliance with Hormel Foods, the maker of the canned Spam food product.
As evidence of the claim, the employee pointed to Google's in-beta Gmail email website. Supporting the free service will be a series of advertisements that scan email text, and displays related advertisements alongside the email messages. Recently, Google has also added what it calls "Web Clips" to the top of folder views, which alternate between short one-line advertisements and news clippings.

"Recently, Google began to display all Spam recipes in the Web Clips above the Spam folder listings. I work in the Gmail division, and heard the boss discussing the feature with one of the core programmers."
Sure enough, a visit to the spam folder of a Gmail account reveals that all of the web clips have been replaced by Spam recipes.

Google and Hormel representatives refused to answer questions about the alleged strategic alliance. Thus far, there are no clues from Hormel what their end of the bargain might entail. Curiously, a Google Image search for "site:hormel.com Google" takes you to a picture demonstrating how to bone a chicken breast (screenshot here in case links change).

John Kerry Elected President of Oompa Loompa Union

2005-09-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

Failed US Presidential Candidate John F. Kerry has completed his campaign to become president of the Oompa Loompa Labor Union successfully, with overwhelming support from the Oompa Loompa workers.
Elected to the post of President by a majority of eligible voters, Kerry will tackle the difficult issues that the Oompa Loompas face.

From Kerry's acceptance speech: "My fellow Oompas were brought here from Loompa Land by Willy Wonka, under the pretense that he would take them to a place where they would be free from the dangers of Vermicious Knids, Swangdoodles and Horn Swagglers. But instead of freedom, the Oompas were forced to work in Wonka's chocolate factories. I will fight to get all of the rights that my fellow Oompas deserve."

Kerry went on to promise to take Wonka to task on shorter workdays, higher hazard pay, and full 2 day weekends. Kerry also plans to fight for an end to all self-guided and other tours of the factory. Kerry: "No Oompa Loompa should have to deal with unruly children in the workplace."

Wonka representatives could not be reached for comment. An Oompa Loompa who works for Wonka's accounting division was optimistic about the future of the labor organization with Kerry at the helm: "As best I can tell, Kerry is a pretty smart man. He seems to understand the issues we Oompas face on a day to day basis. Wonka is a hard man to deal with, but Kerry will work hard to break through his barriers and get us what we deserve."

Christian calendar of 2006 to skip June 6

2005-05-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

The June 2006 calendar to be used by many Christians will have only 29 days, instead of the usual thirty allotted for the month. February 2006 will have an extra leap day to compensate for a year that would otherwise have had the mark of the beast midway through.

Today is May 5th, 2005. Or 05/05/05, or just 5/5/5. Next year there's another date just like this one, on June 6th of 2006. But that date resolves down to 6/6/6 -- the mark of the beast.

Revelation chapter 13:14-18: "Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six."

What's a religion to do with a date with the mark of the beast? "Skip it!" says Reverend Johnson of Montgomery, AL.

Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?

2004-12-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

Hit new book by Wisconsin man due to take NY Times Best Sellers list by storm this holiday season.

Cudahy, WI -- Outsider author Matthew Roeder has today made literary history with his first book, Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?. Dismissed by critics, the tales of man vs bad food have proven itself to have the right recipe for success.

The book is not carried by Amazon.com or by Borders or Barnes and Noble, but is available through independent book sellers as well as through Wal-Mart.

"Is there anything worse than biting into a burger, or slice of pizza, or bowl of soup, only to find that it tastes like it dropped out of someone's butt? I sure hope not," Roeder told reporters.

Roeder plans to use his newfound status as a best-selling writer to unload some more gripes he has with service providers. He is already well underway in writing the sequel Why Does Everyone Smell Like Ass?. Roeder and his publisher are in talks for the terms for any books written beyond the first two.

Thousands of Political Analysts to join ranks of unemployed

2004-11-12T16:15:00.000-08:00

Washington, DC - After the dust from the highly contentious 2004 presidential election has settled, thousands of political analysts are projected to lose their jobs, say sources at the major networks.

"They just won't be needed anymore, at least not in these numbers, at least until the next congressional elections," says an executive for FOX News. "In this election season, if you resume even had anything related to politics in your 'hobbies' section, you got a job as an analyst. The level of political analysis this country currently has, however, cannot be sustained without an impending election."

Sources at ABC and CBS news agencies have revealed similar situations at their networks.

The networks have not publicly stated their intentions for all of their political analysts, but sources state that all efforts have been made to retain the analysts where possible.

At FOX, for example, some of the top political analysts will be guest-hosts on the news network's shows, or may be called in to provide analysis on other issues, such as court trials of celebrities or they may be embedded with troops battling the War on Terror.

At CBS, an unnamed assistant for the 60 Minutes show had this to say: "Certainly we want to keep talent, but we're faced with a supply glut of political analysts. Either wages have to go down, or those less skilled will have to be eliminated."

Sources familiar with News Corp have suggested that the FOX News division may be working with the 21st Century Fox and the Fox television network divisions on a movie about political analysis in the 2004 election, as well as a possible reality TV series featuring the soon-to-be unemployed analysts.

Fondue King stiffed at local restaurant

2004-10-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

Eatery ran out of fondue, offered hummus instead. Fondue King vows "never to forget this shameful night."

North Orange County's own self-proclaimed Fondue King Jason McPheron suffered a grevious insult Friday night when a favorite local restaurant reneged on its promise to suppy McPheron and his guests with a pot full of delicious bubbling cheese and brandy.

Witnesses report that the Fondue King maintained his composure despite the restaurant's inability to produce the meal as ordered. "He totally kept his cool," one patron noted. "But you could tell he was pissed. This man is like the Godfather of Fondue. I wouldn't be surprised if the restaurant's manager woke up with a horse head in his bed or something."

It is unknown whether the restaurant's manager owns any horses.

Local police report that they have been asked to provide additional security for the manager and the server who waited on the Fondue King. McPheron has never been indicted in any incidents resulting from fondue mishaps, but due to his reputation, authorities are taking no chances.

"It is our duty to serve and protect the citizens of this county," an Orange County sherriff's deputy told reporters. "I personally have no respect for a man who entices you with the thoughts of a delicous bowl of fondue, then fails to deliver...but I can't let that interfere with my aforementioned duties."

Bush: ''Undead soldiers make a draft irrelevant for today's military''

2004-10-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

Seeking to stamp out Internet rumors of a draft should he be reelected, President Bush announced today that we will never need to have a draft again, and he's introduced a Constitutional amendment bill to ensure it."The United States of America will not draft the living into its military under my watch, and if I have my way, never again," Bush announced in Iowa on the campaign trail. Bush unveiled a constitutional amendment proposal to forbid the federal government from being able to draft people unwillingly into the military. The catch -- the U.S. Constitution would grant the President unlimited access to vast reserves of zombie soldiers for use in times of war.

Vice President Cheney echoed Bush's rhetoric. "We pride our nation on having the best, the brightest army on Earth, composed entirely of volunteers willing to serve their country. We don't want to force people to serve their country: America is based on freedom, not force. But we will acknowledge that there may be times when our military needs require more than our volunteer army is able to provide. That's where this constitutional amendment will come into play."

The amendment will make it illegal for the U.S. government to draft any living person into the military. Zombies are specifically excluded from the draft prohibitions.

Analysts on Fox News applauded the President's proposal. "This will give America overwhelming military strength in times of need," Shawn Hannity told viewers of Hannity and Colmes. "We can hope that we will never again need to use undead zombie soldiers to defend our country, but the President of the United States must have the ability to call them into service as a last resort."

Democrats dismiss the constitutional amendment as a diversion from the real issues. John Edwards, vice presidential candidate in the Kerry campaign, told ralliers, "The Constitution has only been amended a handful of times over the years. The chances of this controversial amendment being accepted are slim at best. The President is very likely to call for a draft if he doesn't get this amendment, and you can bet that if he does get it, he will use his vast zombie army to enforce the Patriot Act and terrorize our nation's own citizens. So vote for me and John Kerry!"

Instant surveys indicate that 60% of Americans would be comfortable with the new amendment, because zombie soldiers cannot be killed, which has the potential to allow the US to engage in a casualty-free war on terrorism.

Bush Threw First Debate to Get Bounce from Second Debate

2004-10-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

A Republican party staffer alleges that President Bush purposefully lost the first debate so that his comeback in the second debate would result in a bounce in his poll numbers. The President and his staff vigorously deny the allegation."What would I have to gain by losing a debate on purpose?" Bush asked a crowd of supporters in Minnesota on Saturday. "Of course I didn't do that. I'll grant you, I wasn't at the top of my game for the first debate, but it was not for lack of trying, and I've learned from the first one how to do even better on the second."

The allegations come from a Republican staffer who would only speak with the press anonymously. This staffer is said to have worked closely with the President's own people in the hours before the first debate.

"I can tell you that the President's own staffers were acting awfully suspiciously that day," the staffer told reporters. "They were very careful about what they said when others were around. But when I was in the restroom in a stall, and they didn't realize I was there, two of them were arguing over whether or not it could work for the President to lose this debate to win the next."

It's a well known fact that George W Bush is not seen as a strong debater. Whitehouse staffers say that Bush is a whole different character when he can deal with people, rather than a rigid debate format. This different is what the President's staff attributes to his stellar performance on Friday.

The anonymous Republican staffer also dispelled rumors that the President was wired during the first debate. "Seriously, he did so badly that first time, who in their right mind would think that someone was talking him through the debate? Anyway, I saw him, front and back, without his jacket on before he went onstage, and there was no wire."

The latest polls still show John Kerry and George W Bush in a very tight race, but Republican leaders point to several polls that show Bush ahead as evidence that undecided voters were swayed by Bush's debate performance. The third debate is scheduled for October 13 at Arizona State University in Tempe.

Your Thoughts: Is ''28 Days Later'' really sequel to ''28 Days''?

2004-10-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

In light of reader feedback to our review of 28 Days Later, sequel to Sandra Bullock's hit 28 Days movie, we at It's News, Dammit! are interested in finding out just what you think. Is 28 Days Later really a sequel? Its title would certainly suggest that it is. But it does lack all of the heartfelt goodness that Bullock lent to the first film. What do you think?At It's News, Dammit!, your opinion matters. Here's what some of our readers think about 28 Days Later.

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From: Jeremy Hunter (inlove_withska@hotmail.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback

Duh 28 days later has no prequel, of course it would be a bad sequel of 28 days, because it's not a sequel! Just because they have similar names does NOT mean that 28 days later is a sequel of 28 days. The fact you can THINK they are even related is an embarrasement to human IQ. It shows nothing but the fact you are mentally inept. They have nothing to do with each other.

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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback

Hello. I'm wirinting this message to A Howard (I think his full name was Adam Howard) who wrote what had to be one of the stupidest and most ignorant articles I've ever seen. Adam Howard wrote about 28 days later, calling it the worst sequel ever becuase it had nothing to do with the movie 28 days. Adam, I hope your joking. That stupid Sandra Bullock movie has nothing to do with 28 later at ALL except for similar titles! Not only do they have none of the same actors, writers, directors, or anybody involved, but the movies couldn't be any more different! What, you saw the words "28 day" and just assumed they were realted? And then just proceded to critize 28 days later? And then, top it all off, you posted your article on the internet?!?!? GOOD LORD!!!!! I'm speachless. Uterly speachless. Please write back me and my God tell me i'm not the only person who noticed this!!!

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From: Joe Smith (xdafez@anonymizer.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback

I was wondering myself why this sequel sucked so much. Great review dude!

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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback

"28 Days later" had nothing to do with "28 days" except for the title! It wasn't a sequel! Its just a coincidence! Holy crap ahoward is retarded!

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From: Sheila (Wolfkin33@hotmail.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback

Your review on the movie "28 days later" was absolute shit. The Movie "28 days" with Sandra Bullock and the movie "28 days later" with Cillian Murphy, had NOTHING to do with each outher. 28 Days later was NOT the sequel to the Sandra Bullock movie. If your so incompetent that you cant even get simple facts right, than you shouldent be writing news. Get your facts straight befor reporting.

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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback

Its me again. And yes I will keep on writing to you I get some kind of response! What do I have to say? Why you should know that already! I'm here to say that the 28 Days Later article is comlete bullshit. it critisizes the movie for not haveing to do with the movie 28 Days, when in fact those 2 movies are in no ways related! Different actors, different dirrectors, different writers, MADE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! 28 Days Later isn't a fucking sequal!! Are you guys retarded? Now please write back or i'll just keep writing to you! Thanx!!

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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback

I stumbled upon your website and while i was reading the 28 Days Later article I noticed simething interesting......it's complete bullshit! 28 Days Later is not in any way, shape, or form a sequal to 28 Days! The movies have different actors, different writers, different directors, different prodcers, and THEY WERE MADE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! Is that enough clues for you guys? What do you assume t was a sequal just because they both have the words "28 Days" in them? I'm really perplexed by this article so please do me a favor and write back to me at Danielzg1@aol.com. Thank you.

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From: Joe (fossilruins@hotmail.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback

If you think that "28 days later" is a sequel to "28 days", you must have just came out of a coma yourself. You should retract this article due to your ignorance about movie names and that they may not be a sequel. "28 days later" is about a nightmare of a virus spreading through the lands. "28 days" is an idiot chick flick. THEY ARE NOT RELATED. Let's look at the understanding of a sequel: They tie the continuation of the new story to the old story. Does "28 days later" do that? NO! Why? THEY ARE NOT PART OF THE SAME STORY LINE! Just retract this article of your opinion (due to you are WRONG), and quit your job as being a film critic, and allow us to see REAL news of TRUTH, not misunderstandings of movie names and falsely believing all you know came from "28 days". I'm now going to go vomit from reading about your "thinking" that "28 days later" was a sequel to "28 days". Advice: Do some actual research about movies before you attempt to think that sequels are all related to movies that have nothing to do with the other.

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From: Floyd Ong (mtb@hotmail.com)
To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com
Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback

"28 Days Later - Worst Sequel Ever"
"Star of the 2000 hit 28 Days, Sandra Bullock doesn't even make an appearance in the sequel."

Is not the sequel to 28 days you dufus.

Kerry Camp furious over ''Flip-Flop'' email from Bush Camp

2004-09-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

The Kerry campaign has had its feathers ruffled following a Bush campaign email that encourages Bush supporters to wear flip-flops while watching the presidential debates."This is an outrageous, childish prank on the part of the Bush campaign," John Edwards, Kerry's running mate, complained to reporters. "I am sadly disappointed that the President has approved such a campaign gimmick."

Bush supporters see the issue differently. "The majority of Americans aren't politically active, and don't know a thing about the Democrat's choice for president," Michael Reagan said to his talk-radio audience. "They don't know that John Kerry can't or won't pick a position and stick with it, that his opinions change with the political winds, that he says whatever it takes to make his current audience happy. We're going to help educate those people by wearing flip-flops during the debates, as a symbol of John Kerry's opinions."

Several Kerry campaign officials have on the condition of anonymnity acknowledged that the Bush's flip-flop gimmick has the potential to do great harm to Kerry's own campaign. One campaigner said, "Kerry has been struggling in the polls to come back from the Bush bounce, and a gimmick as catchy as this one has the potential to sink Kerry's ratings even futher."

Behind the scenes, Kerry campaign officials are desperately seeking their own campaign gimmick in the hours before the first debate starts, something to counter the effects of the flip-flop gimmick -- in the time since the official campaign email went out, mass email notices have been circulating on the 'Net, encouraging everyone to tell their family and friends to wear flip-flops.

The Kerry campaign has also not ruled out filing a complaint with the Federal Election Commission regarding the email. The Bush camp argues that nothing about the email violates any federal election rules, and the FEC commissioner has issued a statement that on the surface, he sees nothing wrong with the actions of the Bush campaign, but will initiate an investigation if a formal complaint is filed by the Kerry campaign.

12-Year old blasts Kerry response to Bush acceptance speech

2004-09-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

"That was the lame-ass-est speech I've ever heard, " says Johnathan Walker. "John Kerry sounded more desperate than my older brother is to get a date. My kid brother has better comebacks than John Kerry too."

The Kerry camp promises that "this is the last time we let John write his own speeches.""I mean, when you start off your speech practically endorsing your opponent, you lose," says Walker, referring to Kerry's opening "The election comes down to this. If you believe this country is heading in the right direction, you should support George Bush."

"And that's just the beginning."

"Like, he mentions going to Vietnam like it makes up for all his other deficiencies. And then he mentions it some more for good measure. Give it up dude, the Vietnam war is over."

"And he just sounded pissed off that Bush and Cheney and that Zell guy didn't think he had the right stuff to lead the military. He sounded way too pissy to be president, as far as I'm concerned."

"He keeps claiming 'We need to take America in a new direction. And we have a specific plan to do just that.' but when's the last time you heard any specifics?"

"Probably the worst is when he saluted and said 'I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty.' I bet he does that before he hops into the bed at night. Sick."

Jonathan and the aforementioned kid brother James agree that "Kerry sucks ass." Polls among their friends show his ass-suckage rating at an all time high.

Johnathan is currently nursing a large bruise on his upper arm, delivered by his older brother Ralph as a result of the desperation comment. "He deserved it," says Ralph, adding, "He'll get better."

Sit 'n Sleep admits nothing -- story removed

2004-09-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

At the request of Peter Gellerman, attorney representing mattress seller Sit 'n Sleep, this story has been removed.Admittedly, the story, which I still believe was satire, was pretty harsh on Sit 'n Sleep. Maybe I should have made up a company and slogan, rather than pick on that of Sit 'n Sleep, which is a respectable firm, who I even myself purchased a mattress through (if I remember correctly, I can check the receipt later), even though I really did detest the radio ads they used to air. My purpose in writing the story was to amuse, not to slander the company (although I will still hold to my thought that the slogan is silly -- wouldn't it be cheaper for them to beat a competitor's price than to give away a free mattress? But a free mattress does sound better...anyhow).

Anyway, rather than summon the full legal force of Peter Gellerman upon myself, I've caved to his insistence that the story be taken down. Whether I was legally required to do so will not be determined, as I can't afford to meet Mr Gellerman in court -- maybe the story was ok legally, maybe it crossed a line that it shouldn't have. But hey, it was nice talking with you Gellerman! Let me know if this meets with your approval (call please...you know my number).

What the Bush Administration DOESN'T want you to know

2004-08-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

It's News, Dammit uncovers strong evidence to support claims that the White House has suppressed the availability of important information on the Internet.Computer forensics experts working for Byzantine Communications have uncovered a large repository of information stored on the whitehouse.gov web server that the Bush administration doesn't want people to find. Due to Freedom of Information mandates, the governmental information must be publicly accessible, but the White House's IT staff has exploited a loophole in the law, making every effort to keep the public from finding out about this information.

The technical means through which the Bush Administration is suppressing the information is use of a robots file, which restricts the ability of search engine to catalog a web page. With the robot restrictions in place, for example, Google cannot "spider" those restricted web pages.

Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry has launched a radio and television ad assault on the current administration's information repression policy. Here is one short radio ad's text:

How is it that John Ashcroft can view your library and bookstore purchase records, but you can't find supposedly public information regarding the Iraq war or the Department of Homeland Security on www.whitehouse.gov? As your president, I will share all information with you. I'm John Kerry, and I approve of this message.

The Kerry campaign has also launched a massive web blitz, urging people to link to the list of repressed websites at this address: http://www.whitehouse.gov/robots.txt. Through increased exposure, the campaign argues, Americans will learn just to what extend the Bush administration wants to hide information from the public.

White House officials argue that there is no conspiracy, no coverup of information. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan: "All of the information disallowed in the robots file is merely to conserve bandwidth by minimizing search engine traffic. Any citizen can go to whitehouse.gov and use the site map, or the site search functionality to find all of this information. It is available for public consumption, in accordance with all of the laws and regulations in place."

Members of the information technology community remain unimpressed with the web restrictions, as well as the reaction to it. "A robots.txt file cannot suppress information, and cannot be enforced by any technology. It's an 'on your honor' system. A rogue search engine could ignore the robots restrictions, cataloging each and every link on a website," says Martijn Koster, a respected expert on web search technology.

"Also, the Kerry campaign has greatly overblown this issue. Take a look at the whitehouse.gov robots.txt file. It's mostly just info of some historical or press-release nature. Does Google really need to give a high page rank to the 2004 state easter eggs, or tee ball pictures from 2003? If you think there's some hidden agenda going on, go search the robots.txt file yourself."

Girl still has hope for dog lost over Hoover Dam

2004-08-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

"i hope this person didn't lose their dog, because that would just be sad."

Djibouti, Africa -- A girl here is still holding out hope that a dog lost over the Hoover Dam in Nevada may have been found.

Linking on her website to what appears to be a photograph from a family vacation photo album, her web page shows an image of a dog chasing a Frisbee over the edge of the Hoover Dam, with a man, presumably his owner, watching in horror as his dog falls 726 feet to his presumably untimely end.

Calls to the Hoover Dam visitor center to find out more about the dog in the photo have gone unanswered, but Marvin Hagworth, spokesman for the Bureau of Reclamation (which operates the dam) made these comment:

At a height of over seven hundred twenty feet, it's unlikely that a dog would survive the fall. In fact, he probably would land on one of the many structures at the bottom of the dam, rather than landing in the water, what with the prevailing winds and the apparent velocity of the dog in the photo, and those structures are made of concrete, so it wouldn't be a soft landing.

I've personally checked with the Dam operators, and they told me that there have been no reports of lost dogs at the Dam, nor any reports of animal carcasses appearing near the base of the dam."

Some animal rights groups have voiced their concern that the Frisbee may have been deliberately thrown over the edge of the dam, citing statistics that most dogs taken on family vacations are then abandoned hundreds or thousands of miles from home. Such a possibility cannot be ruled out at this time.

Spokesman Hagworth could not comment on whether the Hoover Dam visitor center would soon be ordering new warning signs for the visitor areas atop the dam, advising visitors not to throw any Frisbees or old tennis balls. Any such developments, Hagworth assured us, will be made available to the media.

The Djibouti girl, pictured at right, remains cautiously optimistic about the dog's fate. With no definitive evidence of the dog's whereabouts, she says, it's too early to jump to any conclusions.

Urinal Screen Changes Man's Life

2004-08-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

"This urinal screen reached out to me and ended my downward spiral into the world of alcohol and illicit drugs."

San Francisco, CA - Robert Raydur, an entrepreneur from Chicago has become the new spokesman for Swisher Hygiene, a company which he credits with saving his life. On a business trip to San Francisco, Raydur stopped in the B Spot restaurant to use the restroom, where he saw Swisher's trademark urinal screen with its "Say No to Drugs" message.

"I went to the bathroom just before leaving the restaurant. I was planning to use drugs. Then I saw the screen at the bottom of the urinal. My life has been changed ever since that moment," Raydur told reporters.

"My family had tried to introduce me to Jesus, take me to AA meetings, but none of it worked. It's as if I had to hit bottom in my life, and that bottom was right at the base of that urinal."

Raydur will be touring the country, selling Swisher Hygiene products and services largely to fast food franchises, touting the strong anti-drug messages found on Swisher's urinal products.

John Kerry reveals platform: ''I'm Still Not Bush!''

2004-07-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

John Kerry Thursday night unveiled his campaign platform before the Democratic Convention, to the delight of the party delegates who selected him. "I'm still not Bush and I never will be!" Kerry shouted to cheering crowds of delegates. Party leaders are pleased with Kerry's platform, and believe it will lead him to victory.In his acceptance speech, John Kerry laid out three facets of his campaign platform:

I am still not George W Bush.
I never will be George W Bush.
Did I mention I went to Vietnam?

"The first two points are designed to appeal to the hard-core liberal elements of the Democratic party: the gay marriage advocates, the government health care proponents, the 'We hate that election-stealer Bush' element," Kerry strategist Tad Devine explained. "The third point we believe will convince swing voters that John Kerry is really the man they want to be president."

Kerry strategists believe that if Kerry can successfully convey these three key messages to the American public, that they will pull the voting lever for him.

"What's going to be really important for Kerry is to get these points out in every single speech he makes," Devine said. "Every sentence, every word he speaks has to say 'I'm not George W Bush' or reflect back on his time in Vietnam."

In fact, Kerry's acceptance speech included references to Vietnam no fewer than thirty-eight times, which works out to nearly one Vietnam mention per minute.

John Kerry and his campaign managers will do everything in their power to get out the message that he's not George W Bush. "Fingerprints, blood or urine tests," said Kerry campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill. "We will prove to the American voters that John Kerry is still not George W Bush."

DECLASSIFIED: JFK could have ended Vietnam War with Undead Soldiers

2004-07-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

Documents recently declassified through the Freedom of Information Act showing a secret Pentagon project in 1960 to train zombie soldiers; other documents indicate that President Kennedy refused to allow the military to take those undead soldiers into Vietnam, favoring traditional military techniques instead.Washington, DC -- President Kennedy's refusal to allow the Pentagon to send highly-trained zombie soldiers into Vietnam may be responsible for the United State's decade-plus long involvement in the war, experts say after reviewing the declassified documents.

The documents detailing the 1960 zombie training program paint a picture of a dedicated faction of military scientists working to prevent military casualties. The project, according to the documents, was immensely successful, with training exercises and simulations showing civilian casualty rates near zero percent, friendly fire casualties also down significantly. Perhaps most significantly, the documents state that the zombie soldiers could have replaced the entire front line of the US military in Vietnam, protecting our own soldiers behind a wall of unstoppable fighting creatures.

"I don't even need to tell you how many lives this could have saved," said Philbert McNamey, a military historian specializing in the Vietnam War. "With this army of undead soldiers under our control, we could have saved Vietnam from falling to Communism, or even have marched this army into China and the U.S.S.R. to completely erradicate the communist threat."

A source close to the Kennedy family, speaking anonymously, says it was JFK's Catholic upbringing that ultimately kept him from approving the use of the zombies. "Voodoo and the black arts [which turn dead bodies into zombies] are seen as sinful, and the tools of Satan according to the Roman Catholic catechism. John couldn't justify using the tools of the devil to attack communism, as evil as communism itself may have been. 'You can fight fire with fire,' JFK said, 'but you can't fight evil with the tools of the devil.'"

Nader outraged by ''This Land Is Your Land'' political satire web cartoon

2004-07-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

"Why ain't I in it?" Nader demands of the creators, the Spiridellis brothers, who have this three minute long cartoon song and dance posted at their website JibJab.comHeralded as this weeks fastest-spreading non-virus email, people around the country are sharing the link to this web parody of President George Bush and presidential-hopeful John Kerry.

Ralph Nader has objected to the widespread viewing of this cartoon, because it purports to show America it's choices for the November election, but it leaves out the Nader Choice™.

"I have a strong following among young people with technological skills," Nader said to a reporter. "Given the blueprints for this web cartoon, I'm sure we could work in some images of me, and Peter Camejo too."

Nader even offered up some suggested lyrics for his refrain in the song:

This land is your land

This land is my land

I really want to

Get e-lected.

Please vote for me,

I'm really the best shot we got.

This land should really vote for me.

Many Nader supporters are complaining of disenfranchisement, because the Republican and Democrat candidates are getting free exposure from this video, but their man is nowhere to be found. "I don't know if it's illegal to make a video like this, leaving out a major presidential contender," says Melanie, one Nader supporter, "but it should be."

When asked if the Libertarian candidate should appear in the video as well, Melanie replied that Libertarians are stupid and should go jump off a bridge.

Choosy viruses choose Google, survey shows

2004-07-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

More than three-quarters of Internet worms and viruses use Google as their default search engine to retrieve email addresses, according to a study by eWeek, a computer technology trade journal.Google suffered an onslaught of automated searches Monday as unwitting computer users infected their computers with the latest MyDoom computer virus. This variant of the virus expands on previous versions by searching the Internet for additional email addresses to infect. According to technology experts, the sub-variants of this virus that are spreading the fastest are those which make use of the Google search engine. The virus has also affected several other search engines, including Yahoo, Lycos and AltaVista, but to a far lesser extent.

"Google is proud to host the world's largest and freshest index of the World Wide Web," says Google co-founder Larry Page. "We're also quite popular, it seems, among those who surf the darker side of the 'Net."

According to eWeek, a vast majority, 78%, of the brunt of the MyDoom virus wrath was born by Google. Yahoo came in second with 15%, with Lycos and AltaVista soaking up most of the rest of the hits.

For several hours on Monday, people around the globe found Google and the other search engines to be slow or completely unresponsive. Google has responded with additional server capacity and countermeasures to reduce the flow of data from the computer viruses.

Governor Schwarzeneggar: ''I will call you Girlie Men until you pass my budget

2004-07-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Taking an aggressive, vocal stance not seen among Republicans for some years, Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar has stuck by his guns, not only refusing to apologize for calling the Democratic players involved in the budget process "Girlie Men" but also promising to continue calling them "Girlie Men" until they pass his budget.
"For far too long, Republicans in this state and nationwide have capitulated to the rants and complaints of Democratic Girlie Men in our state halls of democracy and our national Congress," Schwarzeneggar spoke Tuesday morning to a group of reporters. "We Republicans must put our feet down, and hold to our ideals of a limited government that leaves money and freedom and responsibility in the hands of our citizen, not in the pockets of our Girlie Men politicians."

Schwarzeneggar's comments have enraged California's homosexuals, who feel the term "Girlie Men" is derisive and insulting to gay people. By most polls, though, Californians think that those upset by the comments should "get a life" and stop being such "wussies".

Women in California's legislature have also complained. Schwarzeneggar's spokesperson has told reporters that "the Governor is still working on a good insult for them, since they're just as bad as the Girlie Men in the budget process."

Travelocity Sues Expedia over ''Traveling Troll'' Mascot

2004-07-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

"Expedia's media blitz of 'Travelling Troll' ads infringes on Travelocity's trademark 'Roaming Gnome' promotion," say lawyers representing Travelocity. Salt Lake City, UT -- Laywers representing online firm Travelocity have filed a suit in the federal court system today, alleging that competitor Expedia is unfairly copying Travelocity's 'Roaming Gnome' with a copycat set of ads featuring a 'Traveling Troll'.

Travelocity has valid US and European Union trademarks for their 'Roaming Gnome' mascot. The gnome, featured in Travelocity radio and television ads, has been abducted by vacationing hostage-takers and is subjected to incredible airline ticket costs and unbeatable hotel deals.

A spokesperson for Expedia denied allegations of producing copycat advertisements. The spokesperson told reporters that Expedia has been advertising for more a year now with the 'Traveling Troll' ads in Australia and the South Pacific, and just recently expanded the ad campaign to the United States.

"If anything, it is Travelocity who has copied us, not vice versa," said the spokesperson. "Travelocity unveiled their gnome ad campaign only a few months ago, while we have been running our troll campaign for more than a year." According to the spokesperson, Expedia will request that the judge drop the case, and has threatened to countersue Travelocity.

Wisconsin town raises taxes to print up ''obvious'' signs

2004-07-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

South Milwaukee, WI - Funded by a city ordinance that has raised sales taxes by a quarter of a percent, city departments have started posting signs around the city that residents have dubbed "signs of the obvious."Surprisingly, few city residents oppose the obvious signage that has been springing up throughout the city. "These signs can only make our city safer," says one resident.

The new signs include those listed below, some of which are out on the streets and others which are in the final stages of manufacture:

MONDAY GARBAGE WILL BE PICKED UP ON MONDAY

AVOID ONCOMING TRAFFIC: KEEP RIGHT

SIDEWALKS ARE FOR WALKING

24 HOUR POLICE HOTLINE OPEN 24 HOURS

City officials were hard-pressed to provide details on what the intended effect of the new sign initiative is. "We just want people to know stuff," city councilpersons all agreed.