It's Not Over Till The Thin Girl Sings

hear ye hear ye no damn ships are allowed in my port

2010-02-09T22:41:00.003-05:00

I know I haven't been here much since the 1st of the month. Here it is been nine long days of crying spells and comatose loopy-ness. The office politics are still proceeding. I don't know if the front office staff know that I am very piss considering I don't venture there. If I need to be there I go through the back entrance. I have also found out for sure today that another lady is now getting 60 hours per two weeks. Compared to my 30 it is definitely a slap in my face.

I remember distinctively "I'm so glad I know your position on wanting more hours and will keep you in mind if anything opens up." That was our end of convo last time I went into the principals office Feb 2009 to inquire on why someone else got hours that I should have.

I thought honestly that she knew my desires and would keep me in mind.

hahahahaha

Why do I believe in people when they say things ....to pacify me?

I told my husband that I would take my next and last step. Which I know won't do any good. I wrote my building union rep. I wrote "I need to speak with you concerning school/union issues."

What gets my gaul is that when I asked why couldn't she switch to mornings so I can have the afternoon she said "they want her in first grade" Caught her in another lie first grade was told she would be doing overflow aide position. Wow. And this is a principal of a school.... who parents entrust your child in their care.

There is no right in whatever reason, explanation lie.
I
...but indeed I will say how can you teach our children to do the right thing when you don't follow your own rule.

I'm checking on legal issues about discrimination via favoritism. Any lawyers out there?

I doubt that I would go that route.

As for my weight I haven't ate anything I shouldn't have and all studies that say added stress does make you gain weight. It's true. 3 pounds up.

I walked through the back entrance of the office. "who are you.... I can't even tell that's you" Oh gawd what sugary substance was that all about.

No ships allowed in my port uninvited.

Fondly yours

Edit Thursday Feb 10th

Had some bad news today. I was sorta expecting it tho. My bariatic surgeon says I have another hernia and that he wants my tummy done at the same time . I agreed with him that the weight of the excess flab doesn't help the hernia and probably will keep it away.

Tonight had constant pain. I used MOM every other day last night it didn't work as well. I hope it's just constipation. I know how a strangulated hernia is tho and it isn't that bad.

The best time I would like it to get done would be in June. So I wouldn't lose any time off. Hernias have a mind of their own and my next best date would be during spring break.

I have to call my family doctor and get authorized by the plastic surgeon. I sure hope I don't have problems getting this approved. I am sure the doc will say having about 15-20 pounds of flab, flub is a burden on the weak area of the hernia.

I am not telling work about this until I see what comes of this person getting more hours then me. I know nothing will come out of it because if she was going to do the right thing I would be doing it now. I just want her (putting her on the spot and the stew boiling) to explain how she feels this was the 'right' placement.

God I hate all of this, just when I'm getting my life together I get a hernia. I told him that I had a concern and my son said it looks as if a alien is coming out of my tummy when I cough.

He said with the tummy surgery I will be down to my goal weight. I told him I am tired of wearing size 12 pants cos my tummy flub keeps me from wearing a 10.

Truly I am excited. I am more worried about the hernia. My husband said I am an old pro at knowing what kind of pain is what.

I love my doctor so much. He fixed me. Made me whole. Made me love myself.

Fondly yours

It's more approprate to get slapped in your face then behind your back.

2010-02-01T13:36:00.003-05:00

I have low self esteem issues because of my weight. I still do. I have always thought that my morbidly obese -ness kept me from extra work that was being offered. I quit wondering that the beginning of last year when I was blandly overlooked ...or better words "it was all my fault I should have asked you first." We had a long meeting with me telling her that I didn't appreciate being over looked continuously. Now that I have my heath issues completely won that I am quite capable of working more hours if there was an opening. I went away from that meeting back last year in January with "at least she knows I need more hours." She also said that she didn't realized I needed money. Or something to that effect.

I walked into the office today we sorta missed two kids coming back from a trip to the office to figure did they get to point a to point b. When she pulled me into her office. KM is getting a overflow position that is opening up in the afternoons and she lost quite a few hours from last year.(same person who got the overflow position last January) but there is another overflow position for mornings but you work mornings." Quickly I responded well can't KM work the overflow in the mornings and I could do the afternoons? Gee. Do. I. Ever. Learn? "OH the first grade wants KM."

"I just wanted to let you know since you were quite upset the last time."

How many times do I need to have my face slapped? Oh it makes it alright to address me before I found out.

My husband said I should go have another talk since she promised me if things opened up. I started crying. I told him I do not beg, I have some integrity even tho my self esteem is in the shitter.

There is so much politics in that office. It's who your friends are. It's who you know.

Then I walked by another co worker and said to her "boy your in here early" and she replied "yes I'm getting more hours" ........... simply frickin wonderful.

And I could careless if any one from my work sees this. It's not like I am lying about anything.

I've been crying all afternoon. Not to mention sons car had another big repair bill so I had to take away from his tuition to partly pay for it. It's nice to know those workers who are getting those extra hours are just working to save not to pay bills.

I can handle stress. Like when my husband had to take his retirement from General Motors ten years earlier than we expected, or taking care of my mother that was slowly dying. This is not like stress, more not feeling worthy. Everyone wants to feel like someone takes notice of their work at work. I know my family loves me either obese, fat, normal.

All I want to do is feed my face I don't know how to deal with this. This is depression. When I am this low. I just don't know how to handle it.

I went down and for three minutes straight I ran on speed 7. Without warming up.

God I never get any breaks.

Fondly yours,

a lazy friday

2010-01-29T20:29:00.002-05:00

I wanted so badly to go work out but my bed held me hostage. I had a scheduled day off from school. It's the end of first semester. It was so cold this morning. A biting 7 degrees. Our heat is set at 62-63 and you could feel the damp/cold. I refrained from dialing up. We sure are not going to freeze to death. "Just think how you would feel if the house was at 62 degrees in the summer, would you complain?" We just wear more wintery clothes inside and if someone is complaining then they are not dressed right. Although the basement is indeed a chill box down there. I sometimes find my self making a baked potato in the oven to make the kitchen a bit toasty.

As for my rant the last time when my beloved son left his bag of Twix on the coffee table. I mean I really did think about it quite a lot. I never act on steal candy from my kid. I was just at a normal "god what I would do if I had a piece of candy." He came down and grabbed the bag just as I was thinking of the olden days and how my belly was huge and hard as a rock due to the amount of fat I had around my middle. I did however today buy some sugar free chocolate for those times when for some odd reason am craving chocolate.

I did fess up and told him that bag was really bothering me and felt quite guilty for not telling him to come back and get that dang gone bag out of my sight. He did apologized. That same night my husband brought in from Krogers chocolate covered cake donuts. Good grief. He did take them upstairs to the walk in closet so I wouldn't have to deal with seeing them around. Of course I do have will power, it's just that I don't want to see them.

We went out to dinner and once again I could only eat a little bit. Something about hot food in my pouch does something to me. I did finish half the one piece of fish and a few fries. Last night we went to Cracker Barrel and tried the chicken and dumplings. The dumpling hit my pouch like a ton of bricks. Again, bringing home vast left overs. Fortunately son was famished and took the doggie bag from me quickly.

After 16 months I still can't eat meals well. I am quite happy with where I am and how much I lost but there are times I would love to eat and not get that filled up within moments of starting to eat. I read blogs on people who have had wls and their meals are no comparison to what I am going through. I can never eat fast. N.E.V.E.R.

Why? Alot say they can eat everything. I cant.

I remember making a trip to Tubby's (there are none nearby) to get some sub just for me. I got two full size subs and one half. I figured if I got a half added to the two subs no one could possibly think they were for me. I could eat a sub and half (the subs were huge and had them jumboized too) and then an hour later eat the other sub. Now when I do go for subs they are from Subway and always tuna fish. I would get a five inch and cut that in two and eat one half.

Or a sack of tacos about 14 of them and eating about ten in a sitting. Or have a carry out for 12 egg rolls and eating about seven of them. Dripping with all that plum sauce. Those were the days. Glad they are long gone.

Just wished I would stop getting hiccups all the time too!

fondly yours,

........willpower... WiLLpower.... WILLPOWER

2010-01-27T22:36:00.003-05:00

.......My son came home from work with a bag of Kit Kat's. He ate one right after the other. Of course I didn't watch him as much as I wanted to. Then he got a call on his phone and promptly left the room and the bag stayed on the coffee table inches within my reach.

.......God grant me the willpower to overcome this.

fondly yours,

Somedays I get drawn back .....

2010-01-26T16:04:00.004-05:00

I am sure I am not the only one that thinks if you don't eat you still will lose weight. When I belonged to WW on my weigh in day I would not eat all day long. I have no idea why I did it. Even if I had not cheated that week I wanted that extra day to see if I had a bigger loss. Since the surgery I have learned that if you starve yourself doesn't mean you will lose weight. My doctor told me that if I don't eat I won't lose weight my body will go into a starvation phase to help my body. And if it continues you will lose muscle not fat. So there goes my theory if I don't eat I still won't lose weight. My mother being on the edge of concentration camp skinny would suck her belly in and say "see I'm not fat I haven't had anything to eat all day long if you want to lose weight just don't eat." Ah my mother and her bright ideas.

Then I did the wear the lightest clothes and the same ones weekly. Water pills. Laxatives too. I don't do water pills unless my legs show puffiness. And I don't get that time of the month anymore to get water gain. I do have to take MOM once or twice a week because my bowels are quite sluggish because I don't eat that much to push it through. My doctor suggested it also because of my two hernia repairs. Less straining would help my hernia.

down .02 from yesterday. My cold is still there making exercising difficult. Just another ho hum kinda day.

Can't wait to see whats going on with Biggest Losser. Since Jillian think one pound lost someone's playing a game.

fondly yours,

Everyone is not the same when we are all dieting

2010-01-25T20:25:00.002-05:00

I've become quite a pro on the dieting front. I am middle aged. I had all the right attitudes when going on a diet. I had the "can do attitude" all the time. Let's say sally pollywog loses 4 pounds and julie jumphigher loses 4 pounds in a week, and they followed the same diet, did the same exercises for one week. Now, lets say sally pollywog didn't lose anything and julie jumphigher did and they followed the same diet the next week. And this continued week after week, you would then come to your conclusion that sally just doesn't have the "I can do this tude". You can have all the tudes you need but we all are all different. We all diet differently. Being on the bigger end and having to lose more weight than anyone could ever think I would know. Does anyone know when you are extremely HUGE like I was (over 350) that when you are on a diet and given so many calories to eat a day the size of you now is not accommodating to what is being eaten. Yeah sure I can go eat celery and cawwots all day long but they aren't protein.

I saw a blog yesterday and it hit me to my inner core. I know exactly how she felt. I didn't realize that she wants WL surgery when I left my comment. I showed her compassion and not coming out and saying she should think of it I told her of how it helped me. I remember when I was just a little bit overweight and I went on many of my diets I was never hungry as I was being 350 pounds and on a diet. I really don't think people that have to lose over 150+ realize how hungry we get and then only losing a smidgen. Then getting depressed cos you hurt so bad inside for that meager smidgen and you think god and I have 219 pounds left to lose.

Why do some people diss this surgery? Are they jealous cause we can lose weight being altered and it's simple? Little do they know we still have to work at it to get the pounds to come off. We see us shrinking and we feel good and we continue to do well because we started physically wanting to live. We see results faster which makes our self esteem zoom. From what I have read I must be different, I don't have cravings, I don't eat fast food (nor even think of stopping for it) I am satisfied with my small meals and even my cream of wheat tonight for dinner cos I just didn't have a craving for anything. Heck I don't have cravings for anything ever. I do like air popped popcorn..stale even for a snack. I can drink a diet coke maybe one a day. The scale now is showing slower weight loss. Well, this week was a bit different tho. Knocked off a half a pound today for a total of 3 1/2 pounds in three days. I do like to see my weight daily. Most don't like to. It doesn't bother me if I don't show a weight loss. Just something I do. My doctor didn't say I shouldn't do it. I only have about 10 or so pounds to lose. I will be getting the extra skin taken off and that should put me to my ideal weight.

It's so hard to explain to anyone how exactly this is all about until you have been in our shoes. I am glad someone put the thought into my head about wls. Otherwise, who knows what other medical conditions that could have gotten along with the others. Stroke. Heart attack. Death. The only regret I have is not having it done sooner than I did.

I continue to smile daily and considering the pass year has overwhelming with my husband retiring because General Motors failed him. I have my health. I have a future.

fondly yours,

Just a few obvious reasons why I won't let myself get this way again

2010-01-24T09:19:00.010-05:00

(lost 2 pounds since yesterday in two days lost 3 1/2 pounds go me)

I first saw my surgeon on July 5th 2008. I wore this 5xxxLT mans pocket tee shirt. It was Tied dyed for our special end of days at school. Truly hideous. But they wanted a picture taken when I went for my first appointment. It would hide my overhang that I was so embarrassed to show.

I was told at the end of my visit to lose ten pounds before the surgery. Hell if I could lose ten pounds on my own I would have done it. Well, honestly I probably lost the same ten pounds on the many different diets I had been on.

Because of my ulcer I had another six weeks to lose ten pounds. I really never overate during that period. I did occasionally worried about the food I would miss. On September 19th, 2008 I had my last meal. I should have picked prime rib and all the works at Outback Steakhouse. But I wanted a very expensive hamburger where my son works. I ate it well and came with a huge amount of fries. At 12am all food would be stopped and I would be on a semi soft diet and the next day after that I would be on total liquids.

At about 12:15 am my son came home from work and yelled "I am I too late?" I really looked confused until I saw the carryout container. He knew that I loved their pizza and got me about four slices before my fast was to begin. Technically speaking, who would have noticed if I ate that pizza? I told him 'nah, I'm not hungry, you can have it"

Those pictures up there I would love to erase out of the minds of everyone on how I used to look. I never enjoyed eating after I had my weight surgery. I found even looking at the pureed chicken or the chili that was creamed into mush by my super bullet as repulsive. I was so determined to make this work. I guess having no appetite helped along the way.

Food still controls me. I make better choices on what I want to eat. I hate fast food. Hamburgers are icky and beef is so dang gone hard to digest that it makes my stomach pitch a hissy fit. When we go out I never eat even the cup that I probably could get down. I took care of my pouch to make sure it didn't stretch. Peanut butter on low fat crackers or cheese on crackers got me through on some rough days when I couldn't eat. I can only eat pizza that the crust comes from Pillsbury and then I back the crust so that its not so soft. It's like eating pizza on a cracker. Sounds yucky but I do like it.

Another thing that has me going is that I have heard so many stories on how someone had this surgery and then lost the weight and put it back on. So the bad behaviors of others sorta puts negative ideas about this operation and it's creditability. I want to blend in the crowd like that chameleon in that movie used to say "my blender is broken." My blender is working quite well now and I am determined never to go back there. I know diets are hard and some days I do make a choice that might not be good, but I am human and will make mistakes.

my many reasons.

never walking up the stairs vs running up them now.
wearing jeans with zippers vs having those stupid fashion bug slip on jeans.
crossing my legs vs having my stomach in the way of closing my legs.
having my boobs smother my face when I laid down to being able to sleep at night.
having my boobettes stick out more than my huge stomach
using the bathroom .....I won't go there but you get the idea.
not even sweating on the hottest day of summer vs having all my hair soaked.
being able to sleep through the night vs waking up startled and in a panic a gazillion times at night.
food bill low vs needless spending on junk food.
I don't use my handicapped pass vs worried if I could find a place in front.
can walk for hours vs could only walk for seconds
can stand up for hours vs bent over pain in seconds.
walking the dog and him losing weight vs him a couch potato gain weight
loving getting my picture taken to "have to" take one cause I lose so many memories.

My list is endless

Fondly Yours

Still sick and hanging on.

2010-01-23T13:50:00.005-05:00

This cold is kicking my behind. I did make it to school yesterday, which shocked a lot of folks. I could hardly talk but I could breathe (which is a plus). I have been slacking off of the Zicam because it keeps me from eating. I lose all my tastes buds and considering I hardly eat as is and need to eat. When I was at my highest weight of over 350 pounds I would have been out of work for days. I plan on rooting on the couch and have everything I need close by this weekend. I have only four days of school next week so it won't be a terribly long week.

I did manage to lose 1 1/2. I don't know how. I haven't exercised since Wed. Truly I miss exercising. I have a treadmill at home but I like going to the club. I love to walk outside but the weather keeps me inside. Plus, who likes to have a runny nose walking fast?

I was asked the other day at work about the requirements of having WLS (weight loss surgery). I always feared that my insurance company would have denied me because the lass few years I just gave up on diets. It was depressing enough only losing a few pounds and hungry all the time and then not losing any weight. And my family doctor said that I would have to have validated diets in my health file.

My first diet was not of my choosing. My mother always drilled it into me that I should watch what I ate cause I just might get fat like my sister. She had my sister always up at the doctor for some kind of gimmick to lose weight. One of my mother's coworkers (she was a nurse) told her about a diet candy called Ayds. She ran out and got her a box of each, after all, dieting just had to be like eating candy. Right? She believe it was so easy to lose weight. Her mantra was just don't eat. This is coming from a person who lived in the shadows of WWII concentration camps. Unbeknowst to my mother I started on the diet too. Now, I was a little kid and did have a penchant for reading instructions ate them like candy. I think I must have had at least 20 by the time I got to dinner. I remember laying down on the couch in the basement feeling as if I am going to die and whether the fear of dying or telling my father I overdosed on Ayds was worse.

As you see I didn't died and I didn't tell.

My sister was always taking diet pills prescribed from our druggie doctor. He was always dispensing medication that probably would warrant some kind of police action if it was now. I remember her getting these orange oblong pills. Not just a box or two. Enough for an entire class of weight watchers. I know what you are thinking. Did I take any? Well I sure didn't learn my lesson the last time and did take them. I had enough energy to clean a lot of houses if my mother so choose for me to be her hired housekeeper. Years later I found out that my sister used to sell her drugs to her friends. It was the first time I heard of speed.

(years later my sister had weight loss surgery. that was about 35 years ago. they cutoff a lot of her bowls so she could literally poop with in a hour of eating. she is still fat. still on crusades for finding the perfect diet)

I really wasn't fat but my mother with her cruel intentions made me feel as if I was. She would hide any kind of yummy food and lock them up behind a closet. She would give us a cookie or two when we were good. I never learned moderation from her. We got gifts of junk food as treats, not always, but she made it a big production of it. I guess I viewed food with happiness. Which a lot of overweight people do. She would continuously cut down my sister about her weight. She would bolt to her room and keep her eyes in books. She never punished me when I would tease my sister with my taunts. I think now she thought that was some kind of therapy to get my sister to open her eyes.

As my preteen years approached my weight started to go up. People thought I was underfed for many years since I stayed constantly on 55 pounds for years. My sister having a job and a car we explored many fast food places. God I remember her getting about a dozen of tacos from Jack In The Box. Since I was with her they wouldn't think it wasn't all for her. Slowly she brought me into her world. (probably to get even with me for calling her fat)

By the time I was in 11th grade I was getting up to about 175 pounds. At that time Weight Watchers was becoming popular. She joined and need a partner and I too went. I lost my first pounds ever with them. My weight was at 127. I reached my goal. Sister came close but food found her.

I went back to weight watchers in 1976 because I gained the fifty and plus more. Back then Weight Watchers was the simple plan for everyone. I can remember it. Two slices of bread, three fruits, five vegetables throw in about four ounces of fish or meat twice a day along with a couple of cups of milk. I never enjoyed WW. I did lose the weight again and got married.

Now I was in control of all food that came into the house and with my mother having been diagnosed with bladder cancer I was under a lot of stress. My eating was out of control and being left alone in a new home we both working different shifts and I wasn't used to being alone fast food became my friend too.

I can't remember how many times I went back and forth with Weight Watchers. I know it was many because they changed the program so many times. I am still a lifetime member. I tried liquid protein which many people died from. I did prescription diet pills too, but I was only given three months to get my act in gear. That didn't work. I did those diet clubs in malls that sprung up years ago. I did nutrisystem. The food was god awful and quite expensive. I tried Ally and only had the use of that for three months because that's all my insurance would cover. So why take that seriously? Give me hope but say hey you only have three refills and even if you do good on it your insurance has a lifetime usage of three months. I tried the OFC of Ally. Didnt work either.

I almost died about five years ago. My first death came with pneumonia. Well I didn't think I was that sick but feeling as if a elephant was on my chest I went to the Er. I was in the hospital for seven days. People of my age aren't suppose to have complications of pneumonia. That was in October. The day after Thanksgiving while having a dinner of mash potatoes and stuffing along with a pie I started having a tummy ache. My family doctor said it was 'gas'. I never experienced gas ever like this before. After 7 hours of pain I decided that we take a trip to the ER. I had a intestine that was caught in my hernia. Who knew I had a hernia? My lucky day they could push it back and send me home.

I had hernia repair a week later. Only for that wound to fester so badly a month later I was pushing out putrid smelly infection coming out of my belling button. Doctor had me packing my belly button hole (yeah it does open when infected) with gauze everyday. Stupid nurse said she could only come twice a week. After a week of doing that he decided to reopen the wound and clean it out.

Now I had two scars from my hernia surgery the old one and now a new one that was about six inches long. I also had a drain tube. A week later, it started to fester and I was spiking temps. I was going to have to go to a "Iv place to get IV's daily because I had two staph infections". The doctor there said you need another operation and called my doctor and I was whisked away the next day for my second operation in one week.

This time the wound was left open to heal. My then six inch incision was now 10 or 11 inches long and had a depth of 7 inches (the nurses arms would disappear in my belly). I won't even talk about big the gap was. As I watched the nurses clean out my wound I surely would die. Knowing how some insurance companies refused to give you anything. I stuck my heels into that bed and demanded that I get a wound vac. There was no way I could do a surgical wound change or even ask my husband to do it.

I also was on IV's at home for a month. I had nurses coming and going daily. After eight weeks finally I healed. I blamed all this bad infection to my doctor. But honestly it was me who did this. I was a diabetic. They don't heal. My sugar was out of control. I should have died from the staph infection alone. God must have had plans for me.

That summer I thought about weight loss surgery. I asked my son on how he felt about it because I put him through hell with my hernia. He said take a year, try to lose weight, and if you can't then do it mom. I waited two years (I guess I was scared and plus we were moving back and forth at the school I and there was lots to do).

March of 2008 I approached my family doctor with my idea and we started getting ready by doing things that he knew the surgeon would ask for when I would get there. He was worried that my insurance wouldn't cover it but I wouldn't know that until my surgeon in July would put in for it. When I finally got to see my surgeon in July I was probably one of first patients that he ever had that had everything in place. Colonoscopy (two of those), heart testing, psych evaluation, sleep studies, all but the EEG he needed. Only to find out that I had a ulcer and had to fix that. All in all it only took two months since I saw my surgeon to actually have the surgery. He told me that I should be a planner for WLS surgery. It was as if I was planning a wedding. BTW I was approved with in minutes. My BMI was so high that I didn't have to have a list of diets.

Then two weeks after my WLS the wound started to fester. He opened up the wound and again it had to be packed. My beloved husband did it twice daily. The nurse again would only come once a week. I healed in six weeks. Jan of 2009 I had another belly ache and had another strangulated hernia again. I had emergency surgery and healed in a couple of weeks. Thus I knew then it was the diabetes that kept me from healing.

Would I do it all over again? Oh hell yes. Yes I had complications. Losing 202 pounds. No longer a diabetic, no longer have sleep apnea, no prescription meds. my eye have started to go back to undiabetic eyes (something to do with the retina) I feel great.

But what gets me, some people think we aren't dieting. We took the easy way out. We did this cos we were too lazy to do an actual diet. I had those view also. Not anymore. If you are as morbidly obese as I was I only had one option. Plus one great thing is my surgeon was the head of WLS surgery at the hospital. Talk about feeling confident.

As my doctor spoke to me privately, he told me that when people have more than 100 pounds to lose they lose faith that they can do it. He said the statics are low for people who lose over 200 pounds and even get to their goal. When you get the WLsurgery you lose weight so fast that your co-morbidly conditions are gone and you feel good enough to exercise. You are healthy. You see the change. You start loving yourself.

OOOOps long blog.

Fondly yours,

2010-01-21T11:06:00.002-05:00

When the body says achoo and your feeling crappy you have to listen and take your vitamins and back down from the exercising routine. don't worry I will get back to intense exercise after my body gets healed. I have to take care of the sickness first. Darn little petri dishes they are so germy.

when is it spring?

Staring at the ceiling makes you accountable

2010-01-19T20:17:00.002-05:00

I have this imaginary internal tick tock in my mind, every time I have to do something or have to be somewhere I then sleep with one eye open. I have been changing bad habits into good ones cos I have changed. My old ways weren't working and I love whom I became. There is no way I am gonna backslide to where I came from.

Last night my eye (the one that remained open through the night) was centered on the time on the vcr. No matter what position I was in bed my eye found the image. My mind tried to talk my common sense into sleeping in and forgetting to go exercise. I laid there looking up at the ceiling and not choking on the fat that used to edge up to my neck. (amazing my boobs would indeed fall into my neck and smother me)

me: You don't need to get up. You hardly got any sleep last night. sleep in, your clock on your phone will wake you up.

common sense: Oh shut up. I' m the ruler of the roost. Haven't you noticed? Your not over eating. You gave up fast foods. You lost 202 pounds. You exercise. Now get the heck up and get your bod into your workout close cos I'm gonna drag you around until you do this on your own without questioning it.

me: yeah your right. why didn't you pack my bag if you are so in control.

Ok so my common sense didn't pack my workout bag. It only took a few moments.

I am so happy I went. I walked three miles and ran one mile. Tomorrow I have a early day so I have to get to the club at 615 but no later than 630. My ankle felt good. And I felt good. the scale showed a loss. small one but still a loss.

Today was not a good day for eating. I didn't make bad choices it's just that some days I am not hungry and ever since I had this surgery if I can't eat I will barf it up. It's those days when protein drinks and hot cereal for dinner seem to work well.

watching Biggest Loser tonight. I wish people in the real world would realize losing more than five pounds a week isn't normal, especially if you have been dieting for weeks. a one to two pound weight loss is good a week. wls patients do lose weight faster only because we don't have much of a pouch anymore or some of us have the band.

Yes these people need to change, and if your personality is fat .....you have to get rid of the evil part which is keeping you fat. I have an evil fat part of my personality showing up at times where I question "where in the heck did it come from." Your caring nature, loving nature or your core personality will shine through but a lobotomy has to be done to get us healthy.

I quite smoking after 25 years back about seven years ago. I had no cravings, I didn't backslide. I just quit. I was bigger than that small pack of ciggies. People don't believe me that I just upped and quit. I had a cold. I didn't smoke with a cold. The cold lasted three weeks. I didn't resume smoking after the cold went away. I won.

I think food is more than a issue to me than smoking. I kept wondering why can't I overcome this over eating disorder? Way too many issues involved. I just remembered when I was only ten or twenty pounds overweight and how I thought a diet would be so drastic. When I got up to over 354 pounds I thought I wished I only had 10-20 pounds to lose.

I was over 354 pounds.
my BMI was 64
I couldn't walk up my stairs.
I managed to live on the main floor instead of tackling the stairs daily
I couldn't walk not more than 75 steps without breaking out sweating.
I couldn't stand up for not more than 5 minutes.
I had a pinch nerves in my back
my ac1 was like 14 - refusing to go on insulin
my meds for diabetes weren't working anymore
(HAD) sleep apnea
(HAD) diabetes
(HAD) starting to having problems with my eyes associated with diabetes
still have numbing feet.
I can stand for hours
I have walked eight miles more than a few times
my pinch nerves are gone
my eye show no damage from the diabetes
I used to hate my life
I love living every day.
I blend in the crowds.
I used to take ten different kinds of pills for my diabetes
I only now take vitamins and minerals
I used to eat at least 8000 calories (if not more) a day
I now eat less than a 1000
I was suffering through depression.
I am happy even though our financial situation has changed drastically.
Loving life.

Off to pack my bag for tomorrow!

Fondly yours,

I should have known better!

2010-01-18T21:05:00.002-05:00

The last time I went to the club early morning on a weekday was on election day. Wow I thought when I the huge masses of senior citizens. Now, before someone gets their undies in a wad I have no problems with senior citizens. What got my undies is in a bind I take my walking fast/jogging serious. After all it's how I lose weight and gain health. "Move more lose more" my mantra. What I experienced that day was sorta like a bad scene on a busy morning on a freeway. Thigh to thigh foot traffic. Walkin and talkin as if this was their coffee hour. Walking three side by side talking to their comrades. Making it literally impossible to stay the same speed at a jogging pace or even to attempt to pass. I can't even count the times I had to slow down my pace to accommodate theirs. Which I tend to lose my calm place as I do my cardio.

I did finish my five miles at that time. I was on a quest of doing five miles a day and stuck it out.

I got there today at a very early time only to see my favorite female rude walker. I indeed have issues with her cos when she passes me she cuts it very close which I have to slow down my pace. You know how it goes on the roads someone passes you and you have to tap your breaks just enough because you don't know how she will fit in on your lane. Same principal.

She walked Sunday more than I did (cos she was there when I was got there) then stayed there for more than an hour. I was happy when she left. She has been known to go to the workout room and stay on a treadmill for over two hours. (from gossip) She put the incline all the way up and holds on to the control panel in dear life (not the handles). Believe me it looks very awkward. I her thighs can't be more than 15 inches. Very anorexic .

Then the senior citizens came and well so did their three abreast walking. How can they ignore the huge sign hanging over the track about how many you can have walking side by side? Maybe not written for them? There had to be at least 50 up on the track. I was passing more than anything which throws off my pace. Yuck. I stuck it out for only three miles. I got side swiped from a 80 year old "oh I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so close to me" Crazy stuff.

Next time there is a holiday I either have to get there at 5:30 cos I doubt the SC's will be up at that time or don't go. Planning on getting there at 630 tomorrow. I sure hope my adult like child will get up in time for college. Seems he has this penchant for staying up late.

I did well in my food choices today. Family took all their vices of donuts, oreos, cookies, buns and have nots and put it in the pantry in the basement. They didn't realize that having them out on the counter bothered me. I didn't get overweight because the food I ate attached to me and made me fat. I have an eating disorder which will remain with me until I die. I keep it in check by not having the things in the house that call out to me.

I used to sleep eat before my operation. It hasn't happened so far, but I have made it literally impossible for me to find what might be appealing when I am asleep. everything is in the back well hidden behind all the gallons of milk. If it should happen I would have to remove many gallons of milk.

I have been quite interested in the new sugar free jello pudding called Moouse or something like that. It looked so creamy and spoon lickin good and all for 60 calories. I bought it and well it's appearance looked like congealed milk vomit it's taste was bland. Hope the kid likes it.

Fondly yous,

Why are they still in the house?

2010-01-18T00:09:00.004-05:00

My weight is now in the 150's and am quite pleased with my achievements. When I went to my WLS support group when I was in the high 160's the leader asked me if I couldn't loose another pound no matter how much I exercised or followed a strict diet would I be happy? Oh heck yes. I mean I used to weigh over 354 probably 375 I was too embarrassed to even step on the scale at that point. I feel normal. Look normal (with my clothes on). With the huge amount of weight lost I have massive amounts of skin. I really don't care about my bat wings or my thighs that look as if I am two hundred years old (lots of wrinkles). My tum tum does bother me tho.

Being overweight since my early twenties and now in my early 50's I don't know how to let go. With being overweight for so long and I know darn well I am never ever going back to where I was but why am I hanging on to my huge monstrous clothes. I did throw all but one pair of my woman's 32-34 pants, I threw the rest away cos they were so warn out from the constant rub rub between my thighs. I have ten big banana boxes filled with at least if not more 350 huge sized tops. Heck I have more from when I was in size 18-20. I am now fitting comfortably in 12-16 (depending on the store). A lot of them have a price tag on them still.

I should have a 3xx-6xx sale huh? wondered why I never had 2xx's) Good grief I probably spent a years salary on them. Perhaps I am keeping them because of the money thing and not worried I would ever fall back. Doubtful since I had WLS and my tum tum will output any overindulgence. Maybe Ebay, or Craigs list. I know I need to get rid of them.

I bought two books Half - Assed a Weight loss memoir (pasta queen) and DietGirl. I can't wait to start them.

tomorrow going to attempt to walk another five miles and try to sneak into the 55+ Zumba classes. think they would mind me attending since I am 53?

Seeing my WLS surgeon for my checkup 5th of Feb. He cancelled on me last Thursday (grrrr) I really needed to see him since I am concerned about a another possible hernia. Every time I cough and am laying down you should see huge ball like bulge. Since I am a WLS patient no doctor will touch me. (which I am happy for that since I love my WLS surgeon). Plus I do believe the weight of my excess flab is could be a cause of me developing another hernia. I'm a old pro at this hernia crap. I have had two hernia repairs with the first hernia having two surgeries to stop the massive infection. (I could have died I had two different kind of staff infections and had a pic line for iv's and had a wound vac machine). Atlas I am no more diabetic and heal well and hardly get sick anymore. My last hernia was easy, it healed well. My WLS surgery site did start to fester (Istill was a diabetic) my poor husband had to pack it every night (since my insurance probably wouldn't have covered a wound vac like the last time). Did I mention during my first hernia wound it was like ten inches opening and about 7 inches deep (yuck) and had a girth of 9 inches. When the nurse was packing it in the hospital her whole hand disappeared in my tummy. It was at that point I knew I am dying decided WLS was for me.

I really wanted to live.

Fondly yours,

Why?

2010-01-17T12:08:00.004-05:00

No one ever asked me why I wanted weight loss surgery before I had it. Since it was a lengthy process to get to point A to point B they were more inquisitive about the whole process. It takes quite a long time to even get the procedure. Smart me, and my family doctor we did everything before I saw the surgeon. Except for the EGG. Then it showed I had an ulcer which took six weeks to heal and then another EGG just to make sure it was gone.

So where was I? Oh. A few months ago a co worker asked me why did I decided to have the surgery. Well for the mere fact I was at 354 and morbid obese that was the first big reason. My BMI was out of control and so was my diabetes. And lastly, I didn't want to die from my obesity and I love my family too much to put them through a death. I had tears coming out of my eyes when I was explaining it to her. She said I am an inspiration to everyone in the building.

I guess you could call me lucky for the last 15 months I have never been hungry. Hated food. Ate only cos I had to. Now since Christmas my appetite had increased. Which has me worried. Let's face it you can take the weight off but I didn't get to where I was without having a eating disorder. I still believe people who are morbid obese do have some kind of eating disorders.

Back October I decided I needed exercise to complete my weight loss process. I started out slowly walking about a mile a day. I gradually increased it to two miles and then the dog pooped out on me and my husband didn't find walking that long fun. With winter knocking on my door I decided that I needed to join our communities health club. By the middle of November I was up to about 6/7 miles a day walking/jogging.

As luck would have it I got a cold and it hit me like a big rock. So I have been out of the circuit since before Thanksgiving. This past Monday I started back. I did one mile and Tuesday I did two miles and Wednesday three miles took the day off on Thursday only to be back to one mile on Friday. I laid in bed this morning and thought out loud well you aren't gonna lose those last few pounds by keeping your arse under the covers. I did five miles this morning. My feet ache.

There were so many newbies on the track today. So many in fact that I just stayed in the passing lane because I was always passing. I am sure the law of averages with commitments to the new year they will start dropping out and quiting. Sad but it always happens.

I've been watching Biggest Loser since it's inception years ago. Does it seem that they are getting bigger and bigger with each season? Personally, in real, how they lose the weight is so unreal. Who in real would exercise 7-8 hours a day? I met up with a mother/daughter pair that was on the show a few seasons ago (from Michigan) and they told me that she was too skinny to be on the show she was like 260. Like a trooper she was, she gained 20 pounds to make the cut to get on the show. Normally a pound loss a week is a fantastic weight loss they make it seem that one pound and your not working hard enough... geesh.

I had my best mile stats on Friday. I did a mile with walking/jogging in 8 minutes.

Take care and be good to yourself.

2010-01-11T23:50:00.003-05:00

I've had quite a ride this past week. Kid gets cracked in the mouth while playing soccer at 11pm while his mom (me) slept comfortably knowing he was an adult... until the phone call came in and he was crying that he "had a whole bunch of broken teeth and all he saw was teeth flying out of his mouth". Thank god only three teeth were chipped (not too badly) and one tooth had to be pulled because it had two fractures and was hanging by who knows what. Hopefully the chips can be fixed and no root canals needed. They are very sensitive. I HATE general motors. How dare they think that we don't need dental coverage.

Then the next day my laptop took a dump. Well I knew it was going out because the fan continuously ran and would shut down if I surfed too much. Luckily I had a few savings bonds and turned them in and got me a 'good enough' laptop. I do have two desktop but who likes to sit and compute?

And then I heard that the statistics for losing weight for a new resolutions is only 2 percent of ever losing weigh. How crappy is that.

Still holding at my 202 weight loss. I'm reinventing moi.

Time to fly.

I Got Taken Down By A Big....hooked....

2010-01-03T11:39:00.007-05:00

In our classroom for many years the kids had a great story / song that they loved participating in. Looking for Dracula by Charlotte Diamond. A cute song that reminds us to be brave when hunting for Dracula. They get ready to go searching for Dracula by putting on their capes, using binoculars, even appropriate fangs. Off they are for their big adventure, they come to a big spooky swamp and realize that they can't jump over it, can't go around it, can't go under it so they have to put on their big rubber boots ....swish swish swish as they go through the mud. I mean in today's society we tend to go around things instead of trying to take the straight path which will get us there and not sidetracked.

Well this gal got taken down by a huge big candy cane, in all honesty it was normal size. Now these candy canes have been sitting in my home for quite awhile. I have realized that I am not easily one to have dumping syndrome from my WLsurgery, Hey, it's life. I am thinking the sense of being extremely hot is my diagnosis for dumping syndrome. Today I got the last effects of the dumping syndrome which is diarrhea. YES. Thank god....

I am human. I took what seemed an innocent candy cane and took it to the limits. Oh I learned from it. Funny tho, I can have a little bit of sugar in my coffee and nothing happens. I gave that up months ago and now I don't need sugar in my coffee and drink it plain without any fake-ness in it.

I am very grateful for almost voiding in my pants it made reality hit me in the face. I didn't like me back when I weighted nearly 400 pounds. I love me. I count. I am important. I made a bad choice. And it will not continue and snowball like it did before.

More shots of me at my biggest point.

How on to some delicious hot sugar free chocolate..... I have taste tested all. After all a girl has to have their chocolate.

Wonderslim was one of the first online sugar free hot chocolate purchases. Unfortunately due to the economy and my pocket book I had to seek other alternate chocolate fixes. If you have the money hey go for it.

WonderSlim Protein Diet Hot Drinks 7 Servings Per Box Flavors: Hot Chocolate, Mint Hot Chocolate, Raspberry Hot Chocolate, Cappuccino.These delicious protein diet hot drinks are only 70 calories, with 12 grams of high quality protein per serving...they'll warm you up on a cold winter's day, and help you slim down for the summer! Each great tasting serving provides you with just the right combination of protein and carbohydrates to keep you feeling great while losing weight. These high-protein hot chocolate and cappuccino beverages come in 4 flavors and mix easily with hot water. Flavors:Hot Chocolate: This is one chocolate indulgence that will leave you guilt-free. This low-calorie, high protein hot cocoa will warm you up on a cold winter's day, and help you slim down for the summer! Mint Hot Chocolate: A holiday favorite you can now enjoy any time of the year, guilt-free. Refreshing mint, creamy chocolate, and of course, lots of protein. Raspberry Hot Chocolate: Take our creamy, rich hot chocolate, swirl in the flavor of sweet red raspberries, and you have one delicious flavor combination with all the nutritional benefits of the original. Cappuccino: Coffee-shop flavor without the calories! Now enjoy a frothy, hot, protein-rich cappuccino at home without any special equipment! What a great way to start your morning!

Dagoba cocoa powder. I received this as a gifty a few years back. It's not really that expensive but 8 ounces of the plain cocoa powder was about 14 dollars. It has a smooth taste and goes well with NutraSweet. I don't think I would even try them again because of the amount you get for what you pay. I never fully researched South American cocoa I am sure there are some that would be comparable.

Nestle Quik Sugarfree chocolate. One of my best fix for a early morning mocha mocha skinny make believes. I sometimes blend this (a little) into my Cream Of Wheat.

Hershey Sugarfree Syrup. I love this also, but more so in cold milk. Makes a dish of sugar free ice cream fantasico. I bring a little container when I go to Cracker Barrel (they have the best sugar free ice cream) and then can have my coco fix. Thank goodness we know all the people whom work there and they never give me stares.

Swiss Miss. This is a fantastic water only type of hot chocolate. Cheap price to. I can find it for under a buck at Tarjays. When I feel that I haven't got my protein in I add milk to it.

Now if only I could find a great recipe for Serendipity chocolate that Oprah loves......... *whimpers*

Dec 2008 verses Dec 2009

2010-01-01T19:44:00.002-05:00

DSCN0299
Originally uploaded by nancymcmichael

Last year I didn't do resolutions. This year I will attempt a few changes. I need to drink more water and will start back running and jogging again. Maybe not the five miles a day like I was used to. I loved the feeling of being all sweaty after two hours of exercising. I do have to think maybe everyday two hours of exercising is too much and maybe not do it everyday like I used to do.

I will make better protein choices. Instead of reaching for a protein bar for breakfast make a bowl of oatmeal or cream of wheat. Continue to eat six tiny meals when I can instead of three large ones. Try to get to my 80 grams of protein a day,.

Allow more me time. Give myself more time instead of rushing through things. Find a part time job.

Not too many changes.

My choices of food has changed. It makes it hard for me to like food. I don't like egs or beef anymore. I have to have gravy on my pototoes or some kind of moisture on my meat. I sometimes have to mix a bit of applesauce when I am eating meat. I literally have to mix my vegetables and protein and chew it together. This coming from a girl who couldn't have her food touching another food.

I detest fast food (including fries), pizza and sandwiches. Sometimes for a quick meal I have to toast bread for a peanut butter sandwiches. Fresh bread is a NO NO.

I love coffee without any kind of fake or real sugar in it.

I am cold all the time. I have worn out my electric blanket in a years time. I have to wear sweats to bed in order to stay warm.

I am always comfortable in the summer.

What I realized this year is that I am important also and it's okay to say NO to people.

The picture above was taken at this time last year. We went to see White Christmas. I still felt fat.

Fondly yours,

Believing In Yourself

2009-12-31T21:07:00.006-05:00

Just start somewhere. Resolve to do something. You might even write out what you want to accomplish. Then explore what you need to do to reach you goal, and start doing it, step by step. It's the same as if you were planning a trip: you get a map, make your preparations, and then start traveling the right road.

Don't get "bound up" in any problems that stand in your way. Do something every day to resolve them. Trust your instincts. Do one thing at a time.

Remember... if you sow seeds of fear, doubt, panic, and procrastination, it will most likely work against you. If you keep doing the same things you're doing now, you will keep ending up in similar places to where you are now.

Once you start making progress towards your goal, you will be magically propelled towards eventual reward. Just keep listening and taking direction from inside you. Be patient; your dreams will not come true overnight. But start now, and go with love and courage and confidence. Don't be afraid. You can do anything you believe you can. And don't forget to keep an open mind and heart to check yourself along the way.

You can do it! Go for it, and good luck

Fondly Yours,

It really is never over

2009-12-29T17:58:00.009-05:00

fall2009 205

The holidays were not a problem with me and my eating or lack of. I did have a mini crisis when a lot of the kids gave me sweets, cookies and every sugary thing in God's world. I was very kind and gave them away to my teenage son and husband.

Yesterday I was told that I weigh less then my sister in law. I can't explain how I felt when she told me that. I wore my vest with a mock turtleneck. I felt good. Starting with my weight of 354 to a very nice 153 is so wonderful. I blend in with the crowds. I don't stand out. Nor do people stare or take second glances at me.

I used to wear 30-32 pants and they were tight as ever. My tops (depending on the style) was 5 or 6x. I just wished my husband would have taken a naked picture of me. (gasps, did she say nakid?) Yes I did. My tummy flab used to hang to the middle of my thighs. I never realized I was that big.

Once while walking into the bathroom I took a glance and nearly jumped out of my body. I then realized I look quite skinny. There are many things I appreciate now.

running up the stairs with out dying of a heart attack
tying my shoes (I used to keep them tied so all I had to do was slip them on)
not taking handfuls of diabetic meds (I am no longer diabetic or sleep apnea)
sleep at night without extra chest weight falling onto my throat
crossing my legs
seeing whats below my belly button. (hey it's the truth)
putting on my seat belt (I just used to slip it over me)
eating like a bird and feeling full
running/walking five miles at a time
walking my dog
being the smallest one in my family
loving life

Let's talk about the last one loving life. My self esteem is so high I can't explain it. when I had to have a psych evaluation before my surgery he asked me if I was depressed. I told him I am depressed because of my weight not because of other things. When I walk around now my confidence level is out to there. I walk with pride and accomplished my true desire to live again.

I just had to come back I surfed and found a persons blog about WLS. She had three surgeries for WLS and "the weight will come back" hmmmm. She has a food eating disorder. She was knocking the creditability on the success of WLS. Well honey if you want to be fat you will be fat with this surgery or "healthy eating" (she's now doing)as she puts it. You get the surgery but it's your responsibility to keep your weight off. NOT the surgery. DUH.

I dared not to leave a comment because she is so far off the wall and is wearing blinders. First, I had to go through a battery of psych evals to determine if I would be a successfully WLS patient. I did stress eat but (did being the key word) but I had a healthy relationship with food. I loved it, it loved me. If she passed the evals she fooled them.

The reason why WLS surgery is successful is that you lose a hunk of weight quickly. Which keeps you focused and to your goal. Your goal is attainable. Let me put it another way and you will get the point. Take me for example. I weighted 354 pounds most diets fail because you have so much to lose and don't see your goal any where in sight. Your hungry. You 'cheat' and then maybe lose 1 or 2 pounds a week (if that). If I lose 3-4 pounds a month (remember we are starving) so in two months I have lost a total of 6 pounds. It would take me a year to lose 35 pounds so now I am down to 324 after a year. Starving is the norm. Will power probably lost with in the first or second month. Remember in order to lose weight you have to exercise and you have to burn what you ate for that day. Now a woman that weighs 354 pounds with morbidly obesse problems can't exercise for more than ten minutes (don't be fooled by Biggest Loser they exercise in conditions that YOU can't call normal). Or even WALK. Don't tell me I am wrong I lived through it for many years.

So here I am. I lost my weight fast in the beginning to the point I regained a healthy system. I then could exercise.

People whom fail WLS are compulsive eaters. Quite frankly should not be given the chance for a second chapter in their lives with WLS. Then they mock WLS "ohhhh the surgery failed me" give me a break. Please. Let me see she says we are always hungry. Not me. I learned how to eat all over again. At first I did the three meals a day bit. There was NO way I could eat that much. So I cut it into six small meals. Preferably called grazing. I eat the same kind of meals but just smaller. What else. Oh vitamin deficiencies. Well duh, you take your vitamins if you do you don't have malabsorbtion problems.

I think I gave this woman enough time on my space.

In closing let me say I wanted to be normal more then being a 354 pound woman with a sagging belly to her knees. I knew my goals. I am free. But do remember this is a struggle no matter what. You work it, it works for you. Simple math.

Fondly yours.