1. Tell me what’s going on.

Lead with the story. What’s going down? Did somebody’s kid get sick? A fellow blogger lost their job? House getting foreclosed on? Tell me specifically and in words an 8-year-old could read and understand exactly what is happening. (If you don’t have time to get into details because it’s urgent, link to details somewhere else, like Wikipedia or the Cancer Society or something.)

2. But don’t tell me TOO much.

I am busy and I don’t know who the hell you are. Make it easy for me to scan. BIG! BOLD! HEADLINES! Some people want to know every detail. Some people don’t give a shit about details, they just want to know what the hell you’re asking them to do. Give me details if I want them, but let me skip them without missing the point.

3. Tell me why I care.

This will usually be because a situation is particularly heinous or because it involves somebody I should know or care about. Just giving me the facts isn’t good enough – tragedies happen all the time. It would be lovely if we opened our wallets every time we heard that something bad happened, but if that was the case we’d be broke by half way through the six o’clock news. Tell me why YOUR cause is important to ME.

4. Tell me what went wrong.

In my mind, this is somebody else’s problem. We like to believe that social safety networks are working and strong, so if you’re asking me for money, something has to have broken. If you’re raising money for a village in Africa, tell me why foreign aid workers aren’t doing something about this. If some woman is about to lose her house, explain to me exactly which politician fucked her over. If somebody can’t pay for their kid’s medical procedure, give me the details on why their HMO is being a dick. Why hasn’t this problem been solved already?

5. Invoke emotion.

Do not be unbiased, objective or reasonable. Make me scream in outrage. Make me call my husband in tears. Tell me about their children and their foster puppies and their mother who just happens to bear a striking resemblance to Rosa Parks. Remember, the money that I’m thinking of giving you is coming out of my boob job fund, so you better make me feel damn good about giving it. You do that by making me feel damn bad about our tragic victim.

6. Use social proof wisely.

People like having those little tickers or thermometers or whatever that tell you how near they are to their goal. Good in theory, but it can really backfire. In a world where people can raise $100,000 in an hour on Twitter, being a quarter of the way to your goal of $1,000 after a week just makes me think your cause sucks.

There might have been a time when we saw one of those things that wasn’t going well and we’d rally around the underdog, either out of social responsibility or guilt. If those days ever existed, they’re not here anymore. If your campaign is going badly, take the ticker down.

7. Tell me what you want from me.

Money? Tweets? Children’s clothes? Be very, very clear. You don’t know who I am or under what circumstances I’m reading your plea. Maybe my kids are screaming. Maybe I’m drunk. Maybe I just got back from the hospital myself. If a classroom full of ADHD preschoolers couldn’t understand your appeal, you’re not being clear enough.

8. Tell me why it’s going to help.

Your money goes to X. Your gift certificates are important because they help with Y. Your blankets are needed because of Z. No matter what you’re asking for, somebody out there is going to think it’s stupid or wasteful or selfish or inefficient. If you ask for clothes, they’re going to think you should be asking for money. If you ask for money, they’re going to email wondering why they can’t send clothes.

(The same is true when you DON’T want certain types of donations. Every time a natural disaster occurs, the Red Cross gets flooded with calls from people offering old blankets, and every time, the Red Cross says no, they’d rather have the money. After enough people told them to go fuck themselves, they started explaining that it costs more to ship the blankets from Duluth to Kenya than to just buy the blankets in Nairobi. ”OH” says the people, and they whip out their checkbooks. Why matters.)

9. Tell me exactly what to do next.

For the love of God, have an action plan. Click here to donate. Send checks to this address. Drop off cans of food at your nearest fire hall. Remember, I’m drunk and my kids are screaming at me and my uncle is in palliative care. Just because your cause is the most important thing in the world to you doesn’t mean it’s the most important thing in the world to me. I don’t have time to read your fine print.

Oh, and don’t start appealing until you have an action plan. Don’t tell me today that you’ll have a place for me to drop off my canned goods four days from now. By then, I will have moved on.

1. People who sell things, or want to sell things.

2. People who are, without exaggeration, destitute and are very sensibly finding free information online about starting and running an ittybiz.

3. People who are financially comfortable but like to wave the I’m-so-fucking-liberal flag. (We know who you are. We can identify you by your screaming about the plight of the poor, while donating less than 1% of your money and 0% of your time to charitable causes.)

If you are in category 3, please read the disclaimer at the end of this blog post before you leave an angry comment.

What if people can’t afford your product?

Every time I create a new product, I get emails from people saying they don’t have the money to buy it. If you’ve been selling anything for any length of time, you get those emails too. Today we’re going to talk about where they come from and how to deal with them.

Scary Proposition: They’re lying to you.

The only people who do not have the money are people who have no money and no means of getting their hands on some. That is a very, very, very low percentage of people in first world countries in general, and a far lower percentage of people with access to email living in first world countries.

What “I have no money” really means:

1. I’ve bought four [things like your product] in the last two months and haven’t used any of them. I’m getting really disillusioned and I’m blaming myself for buying things and not using them. I feel I don’t deserve to buy your thing.

2. My spouse is really pissed off at me because I’ve been spending too much money on the internet/on clothes/on these crazy make-money-online schemes. Your product is not worth making things awkward with my spouse.

3. The last three [things similar to what you sell] I’ve bought haven’t come close to living up to their promises. Now I don’t really trust them, even from you. I think it sounds good right now because I’m excited, but when I actually buy it, I’m going to be really disappointed and mad at myself because I should have known better.

4. My marriage/job/life sucks, and I need some little conveniences to keep me going. (Latte on the way to work. Sending the kids with lunch money instead of lunch. Sending MYSELF with lunch money instead of lunch.) I CAN afford your thing — I do have the money — but if I bought it, I’d have to give up my little conveniences, and I’m not willing to do that.

5. I have another completely valid reason for not buying, but it takes too long to explain and it’s kind of embarrassing. (Examples: I drink too much. I have a feeling my spouse is about to leave me and I need to make sure I have money aside for a divorce and/or alimony. I just came very close to maxing out my credit card, and there’s a big psychological difference between an ALMOST maxed out card and an ACTUALLY maxed out card, and buying your thing would really freak me out.)

6. I don’t want to buy your thing but, for whatever reason, I feel the need to justify myself to you. Saying I don’t have the money feels like an inarguable and socially acceptable white lie. I get to feel good because I said nice things about your product, but I don’t actually have to part with my money.

Those people? Plenty of money. They’re just not giving it to YOU.

People who REALLY have no money do one of two things.

One, they do nothing. They know they’re broke, and they accept that part of being broke is not being able to buy things they’d like to have, no matter how helpful owning them might be. They put your thing on the list of things they’re going to buy when their tax rebate comes in, or they start to save up for it, or they accept that they’ll never buy it. They will not email you, unless they’re sending fan mail.

Two, they will try to find a way. You’d be surprised by how many people do this, and the very creative ways they’ve found to do so.

They could split the cost with a friend.

They could offer to barter.

They could request a payment plan.

They could sell their guitar.

They could cut down on conveniences and luxuries for a few weeks.

I’ve had people offer to get OBS now and pay me double its cost after Christmas. I’ve had people take temporary part time jobs to buy consulting. I’ve had people pay me $50 every pay day until they’ve paid off the cost of Marketing 101.

But an email saying they’d LOVE it but don’t have any money?

Might mean a lot of things, but it doesn’t mean that.

And now, the point of this whole post. What should you DO?

Nothing. Do absolutely nothing. Do not change your pricing, except maybe to offer a public payment plan, if that’s your bag. It is very easy to receive these emails and freak out, thinking you’re charging too much for your stuff. (This is particularly true for artists, crafters and people in tech.)

There is a difference between “I have no money” and “it’s overpriced”.

If they thought it was overpriced, they would either tell you they thought it was overpriced, or they wouldn’t say anything. They would mentally call you an asshole and go about their day. If they say they don’t have the money, changing the price won’t change their mind.

“No money” isn’t about price. It’s about value. They don’t currently see it in your thing, and your thing at a different price will probably not change anything. It might. It probably won’t.

Do not stress about your pricing.

Do not write them back and offer them a deal.

Do not be angry at them.

Do not sit around wondering why they send people like you and me emails like this, but not, say, Steve Jobs. They have good reasons for emailing you, especially if you already know them. They are trying to be nice.

I offer 8 hours of consulting a month, daily task lists and major product discounts to members of the SpeakEasy for $44 a month. Every time I open up spots, I get dozens of emails from people saying they’d love to sign up, but they don’t have the money.

I get at least an email a week from people who say they just LOVE the idea of Online Business School, but they don’t have $397. I suggest they go on the Advance Discount List to find out when it’s on half price, and they don’t sign up. Guess they don’t LOVE it that much.

We have an unconditional 100% lifetime money back guarantee and we STILL get people not buying because, well, they HAVE the money but they’re not sure if it’s right for them.

People will give you ALL SORTS of reasons why they’re not buying. Be nice to them, but try not to pay too much attention to what the reasons are, because odds are, they’re not the real reasons.

* The disclaimer at the end: I wrote about the buyer side of this equation a couple of years ago in Can You Afford It? If you want to get your hate on about how I don’t understand true poverty, read that first and we’ll fight about it there.

No, I’m not kidding.

I want to write guest posts. Lots and lots of guest posts. (100, actually, if you want to get obsessive about specifics.) Why do I want to do this? Well, because I want to spread the word, mostly. But I want a very special kind of spreading the word, which is where you come in.

I’d like to focus on smaller blogs. Let’s face it, Copyblogger and Problogger are not exactly lacking in the guest post department. I’d rather go on a blog like yours, meet more new cool people, and spread the word more organically than just pitching the same people who are already getting pitched.

A few relevant bullet points that are not actually bullet points because I don’t know how to do those in WordPress:

I should probably be writing about something I know something about. If you write a blog that could in any way be connected to parenting, personal development, business, marketing, customer service, working from home, homeschooling, marriage, crafts, margaritas, Starbucks or swearing, I could probably do a passable job of writing for you. If you write a strictly personal blog, probably not.

I really, really like niche blogs. So if you write a blog that’s half personal, half Etsy pursuits, I can probably kick ass. If you write about real estate or freelance writing or one person public relations businesses or graphic design or, hell, coding, same deal. Totally random stuff might make it hard for me to figure out what I should say.

If your people hate capitalists, yours might not be the gig for me. I am pretty strongly in favour of money. If your people aren’t, they probably won’t like me. And they won’t like you anymore, because you let me post on your blog. (Keep in mind, if you write about frugality and stuff, that’s cool. Broke people don’t hate me. Communists hate me.)

I would actually like to help. If there’s anything you’d specifically like me to write about that could help your people – marketing/networking/biz/customer service/stress management/blogging for [your people here] comes to mind – I would love that. Means I don’t have to come up with a title you might hate, and you actually get some relevant content on your blog instead of me just running your mouth off.

We’ll tell the IttyBiz people about the post, too. We’ll mention the post in real time on IttyBiz, but we’ll also have a 100 Guest Posts page where we’ll have a link to you as well. So odds are, at least six people from here will show up and see your awesome blog about macramé for tennis players.

If you think me writing for your blog might be cool, shoot an email to naomi@ittybiz.com with “100 Guest Posts” in the subject (so it doesn’t get caught in spam or God knows where). Give me the name of your blog and it’s url, a vague idea of what it’s about, and maybe something I could write about for your peeps. Also tell me whether or not I can swear. (I don’t mind either way, but I need to know.)

Oh, and one more thing? When we put out requests like this, we get a LOT of people who don’t respond because they’re freaked out. “OMG, that would be so cool, but she wouldn’t want to blog HERE.” “My blog has a stupid tagline and she’ll hate it.” “None of the IttyBiz people would want to read THIS.” Yeah, don’t think that. Well, think it if you like, but send me an email anyway.

Don’t make me beg, ok? Because if I only get four requests, I’m going to look like an ass who has no friends and be really embarrassed. So don’t leave me hanging.

Gift guide reminder

If you have stuff for sale that might make a decent Christmas present, make sure to get your submissions in for the 2009 IttyBiz Gift Guide. For the reasons stated above, I really don’t want to look like an ass on this, so if you have stuff, for God’s sake, get an email in. A gift guide with three things in it is going to look pretty fucking stupid. Plus, those three people are going to get all the sales that should rightly be going to you. L-A-M-E.

Go here for Gift Guide Details.

Twitter related craziness

Coming soon, we’re going to be running a very cool holiday themed thingamajig on Twitter. I cannot tell you the details, but it will be very cool. There will be free stuff involved. You will only be able to get in on it if you’re following me on Twitter. So if you’re not already, go do that now. Details will follow.

If you can’t click links because your boss is a meanie pants, know that I’m twitter.com/ittybiz.

That is all. Happy Friday.

He’s clearly caught up on the Deceptive Marketing Techniques comment thread.

We figure if you stay, we can officially count you. Before you’ve been around for the offensive and the ludicrous, you might just think this is a nice, sensible blog and be in for a massive shock later. We wouldn’t want that.

Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that we hadn’t done a Stupid Search Terms piece since March of last year. I apologize for this grievous error. (If you missed it and hate your job today, read last year’s 12 Stupid Search Terms and 1 Very Important Lesson here.)

Since then, we’ve written a book on search engine optimization, and have thus had an unseemly increase in relevant search traffic. I was a little concerned that there wouldn’t be anything good to pick from.

Let’s just say I worried needlessly, shall we?

Therefore, for your education and entertainment, here are some of the completely unedited search terms that people have used to find this very website. (If you’re new to the internet, it would be helpful for you to know that real human people typed these things, verbatim, into Google. Just know that going in, ok?)

+”whipped cream” +”ass”

Do you know what this means? This means somebody went to the trouble of going into the advanced search function for this. It means that “whipped cream ass” wasn’t giving them specific enough results.

“be nice to everyone or just family”

Neither? Is neither an option?

“demographic of shoes”

Hmm. I wonder what kind of a person would buy shoes? Maybe I should ask someone. Hmm. Who should I ask? I know. GOOGLE.

“gettysburg what should have been done differently”

Oh, honey. Don’t even get me STARTED.

“hijack steve pavlina”

Dammit. I knew I should never have published my sinister plan on the internet.

“im drunk can i have a neo citran”

I can’t help but wonder if this person was wondering if it was OK to take Neo Citran when drunk, or if they were actually hoping Google would go and make them one and they could download it.

“starfuck tutorial”

Please, people? Please? We went through this last year! Can somebody just write a fucking book on this already so I stop getting the traffic?

“twitter is scary”

Yes. Yes, it is.

“what is vegas in two words”

Ooh, pick me! I know this one! I know this one! LAS Vegas.

“two business marketing ideas”

Because it’s always wise to have a backup plan.

“how to tell if a guy is good in bed by the way he walks”

If you have the answer to this, please leave it in the comments, along with the email address associated with your PayPal account, so I can send you $47 along with my heartfelt gratitude.

my husband is spying on me i can’t figure out how

He probably started by checking your search history.

you damn cheerleader bitches listen to the coach. this is a man that launches careers

Well, exactly. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

A few more, just for fun:

“anti social we’re anti social don’t give a fuck what we say or do”

“las vegas hooker trading cards”

See? Isn’t your day better now?

One more thing and you can go back to work

Marketing School went up for sale yesterday. Like pretty much everything else on this website — as clearly evidenced by our exemplary search traffic — the sales page isn’t really safe for work. Also, obviously, there are ninjas. Check it out here.

I wanted to make it funny, but the more I looked into it, the more unfunny it became. I put out a request on Twitter for thoughts on deceptive marketing practices, either definition or examples. Here are some of the replies I got back. First, some definitions:

A deceptive marketing practice is when you lead someone to believe something false. @PaceSmith

Deceptive Marketing=bullshitting people w. beautiful blabla that does not hold up to a reality check.Punishment=burning in SEO hell @fabiankruse

IMO deceptive marketing is over promising, lying, omitting deceptively, mis-characterizing as perceived by receiver. @tombragg

Clear enough, right? Don’t be an asshole and you’re good. Now what about techniques?

Amazon.com publicized a rebate offer before it was in effect, hidden in very fine print, didn’t make it right, lost me 4ever @darxyanne

$5 for the product… $95 for the shipping. @CatherineCaine

I always think of the bait and switch, i.e. surprise shit sandwiches. Promise one awesome thing, deliver a different, crappy thing. @acbowen

Product photos that resemble the actual product in the same degree to which I resemble a Harrier VTOL aircraft. @CatherineCaine

Deceptive marketing – Kids eat free! Since when does little Timmy pick up the check? @viruseye

false scarcity (we only have 30 of these dvds printed) when really they have them POD @MarieForleo (she’s referring to Print On Demand)

Whatever it’s called when a company like Radio Shack renames themselves the shack ‘cuz they think it’s cool. @gloreebe88

I immediately think of any commercial for weight loss products with those completely unrealistic before & after photos @amysnotdeadyet

Pretending to be someone I already know to gain access for no other reason than to sell me something I didn’t ask you about! @c_baltzley

Companies that put “job listings” on Monster.com, etc…that while legit companies, aren’t “jobs” as they require you to PAY $7500. @WilliamRPerry

Using testimonials from one service to “start up” another one. @GeeksDreamGirl

I was doing fine until I got to the last one. Because that one? I would totally do that. I would use the reviews of the last book to sell the next book. I would use reviews of my marketing consulting to sell a boot camp I was running. And I wouldn’t feel one bit ashamed that I wasn’t putting a big red disclaimer that said, “This person is referring to a totally different product!” either.

“This book was amazing”? No, of course not.

“Naomi is the hottest thing since rye toast and I want her to have my babies”? Hell yeah.

And I got to thinking, if it’s confusing to me, how the hell does it feel to everybody who didn’t come out of the womb rewriting crappy slogans?

The Definition of Deceptive

Once upon a time, we wrote a post called All Customers Are Liars. (If you ever want to lose a lot of subscribers in a very short time, I recommend you link to that post saying how much you liked it.) Everybody in marketing loved it. Everybody who has ever bought anything in their life hated it. Them’s the breaks, I guess.

(If you haven’t read it, you probably should go do that now, before we go on. It’s cool. We’ll still be here when you get back.)

The deception in marketing police would generally say that doing anything to deceive, or anything that might deceive, is “deceptive marketing”. They have my buy-in on number one. Number two is where it gets tricky.

Let’s imagine you and I are having a conversation at an in-person event. We talk about dogs. You give me your business card. As soon as I’m out of your sight, I make sure to write down on the back of your card that your Labradoodle’s name is Lucifer. When I get home, I log that information into my HighRise database so I won’t forget. In six months, when I send you a link to the fascinating article in the Times about Labradoodles, I make sure to ask after Lucifer.

Is that good networking or deception? Like I fucking remember your dog’s name. I wrote it down so I could increase our “personal connection” and sell you something later.

Let’s imagine somebody new follows me on Twitter, and I send them an automatic direct message. Let’s imagine I’m not a TOTAL dirtbag about it and try to make the DM sound a little more personal than some “thanks for the follow I look forward to your tweets” shit. I make it sweet and funny and friendly and unique.

Is that good social media strategy or deception? According to the deception police, this is actually WORSE than a salesy DM because at least a salesy DM looks automated. This one was created with the intent to make you think something that wasn’t true.

Let’s imagine I am particularly adept at writing newsletters. I am so good at writing copy, in fact, that I often get emails asking if the communication was a part of the regular newsletter rotation or an email custom written for the receiver.

Is that good copy or deception? Let’s face it, the entire reason the [firstnamefix] field exists in your newsletter software is to make people think it’s specifically tailored to them, even if only for long enough to get them to open the email. How many people are going to click on the affiliate link in one of these bad boys because they think I went to the trouble of recommending something specifically for them?

A few other deceptive marketing techniques for your examination and eventual slaughter in the comments section:

An email subject line with spelling or grammar errors has a higher open rate than one with perfect grammar. Because the general assumption on the part of a reader is that if it was a professional sales email, you’d have done a better job proofreading it.

Prefacing your subject line with “Re:” nearly guarantees you an open. We see the “re” and we think we’re in the middle of an email conversation.

Using a prospect’s name in the PS converts better than using their name anywhere else in the copy. Because we think that if you were going to get all fake close and personal with us, you’d have done it by now. (Aside: this only really works with a hot list.)

Some contact form software shows the entire path a visitor took on your website before they got to your contact page. So the business owner knows EXACTLY what you were interested in. Why did they enable that feature? Because they wanted to custom tailor a pitch to exactly the sort of stuff you like. So you’ll think, “Holy crap, this is completely perfect!” and never know why.

With each and every one of these techniques, you’re being deceived. Actively deceived. Somebody spent a lot of time and money learning how to deceive you like that. It’s subtle deceit perpetrated by highly skilled individuals who know exactly what, statistically, will make you buy their stuff.

I don’t use HighRise. (Although I do frequently recommend it.) I don’t use the first name field in my Aweber broadcasts. (If you get an email from me using your first name, it’s because I sent it manually or because you just bought something.) I sure as hell don’t send auto DMs, which are pretty much the most deceptive pieces of shit I’ve ever seen.

But I’ll certainly use personal recommendations that resulted from previous products on my sales pages. I’ll certainly pimp the shit out of my subject lines to make you really, really want to open the emails. And I will gleefully only sell 1000 of something because I know it gets you out of your “maybe later” funk for long enough to click BUY NOW. I won’t tell you I only HAVE 1000, but I’ll inform you that’s all I’m selling.

What do you think? Are some kinds of deceptive OK where others aren’t? Should we stop using techniques that boost conversion because they might deceive people?

So, the other week, Mark Silver wrote a post called Addicted to Breakthroughs. Because it alludes to the crazy sweat lodge incident which totally freaks me out, I didn’t plan to read it. But I did scan it, because when Mark writes a post, it’s really in your best interests to at least give it a skim in case he puts the secret to life, happiness and riches in the fine print.

Anyway, I’m skimming along and I see this:

One of the most frequently heard phrases in the small business development and coaching arena is “get to the next level.” It’s become fairly common to want to “push through limitations” and “break out of limited thinking.”

Now, he goes on to talk about spiritual breakthroughs and if you’re into that, you should probably go and read his post. I am not talking about spiritual breakthroughs. I’m talking about one of the most common mistakes I see in ittybiz’s.

Everybody wants to get to the next level

You want passive income. You want to productize. You want residual monies. You want stuff that gets your ass to a houseboat in Bali faster. Cool. I get that.

Everybody is trying to sell you an ebook or an audio program or a membership site to help you get to the next level. I sell an ebook about how to sell ebooks. Brian and Tony sell a membership site about how to make membership sites. I’m sure somebody is selling a teleclass on how to make money with teleclasses.

There’s nothing wrong with this, if you’re ready. The problem comes in when you’re not ready.

It’s totally natural to want to move to the next level. But one question isn’t really being answered.

What the hell is wrong with this level?

Too often, we push ourselves to the next level before we’ve given this level a good enough shot. We haven’t really optimized the level we’re on before we’re itching to move on to the next thing.

”Made $5000 selling ebooks? Hell, it must be time for a membership site!” Well, maybe. But maybe not.

Maybe we should all spend a little more time kicking ass at this level before we try and hit the next one. Because more often than not, there’s nothing wrong with the revenue model you already have. You just don’t want to keep it because it’s boring.

Making new products is fun!

Seeing a rush of orders from your launch is fun!

Planning what you’re going to do with all the money you get every month from your membership program is fun! (If you would like to send me money every month, you can get on the SpeakEasy waitlist here. It will dramatically improve MY fun every single month.)

Tweaking your sales funnel is boring.

Pounding the pavement to find new customers is boring.

Split testing ad copy to maximize conversion is boring.

Since boring stuff is boring and fun stuff is fun, we kick out the boring and replace it with the fun. Natural, but stupid.

Learning is cumulative.

One of the oft-forgotten benefits of staying at the level you’re at right now is that what you learn is cumulative. What you learn selling ebooks is going to help you a whole lot selling classes. What you learn selling hats retail is going to help you a lot selling hats wholesale. What you learn in your single restaurant is going to help you a lot when you have a chain.

If you rush through the levels, you miss the lessons. Missing lessons = missing money.

Earning is cumulative

The other thing we all like to forget is that if you maximize your money NOW, you’ll make even more money later. Selling more hats now leads to selling more gloves AND hats later. It’s not A or B. More A means more B.

So if you rock the shit out of your hats, you’ll have more fans ready and waiting to buy your gloves. Do a half-ass job on the hats because you’re itching to get on to gloves and you sell fewer of both.

So today, ask yourself this:

How can I make more money at THIS level?

Is there anything I can make better before I jump ahead?

What is the next level going to give me that this level won’t? Is that true, or am I just running around like an MTV-addicted ferret with ADHD?

The story so far

Once upon a time, we wrote an e-book called SEO School. Lots of people bought it. (Thank you, lots of people. And if you’re the voyeuristic type and want to know what we mean by “lots of people”, check out the How To Make $12,246 In A Day series. Also helpful for those of you planning to write ebooks one day.)

Anyway, the next thing that everybody said was, “Um, it’s really nice of you to do one on SEO. But, uh, when do we get one about marketing?”

Like, a year and a half passes while I go through an extended vacation to the island of Existential Angst. I finally write the ebook. It comes out on Tuesday. We all ride happily into the sunset in our tricked out El Caminos.

The part you should probably read

If you’ve ever bought SEO School, when you bought it we promised you a discount on Marketing School when it came out. We also promised you early access. But we need to get it to you. The only way to do that is to send you an email. The only email we have for you is the one associated with your PayPal account. And yes, I am completely aware of how lame that is.

My point, and I do have one

1. Keep an eye on that email address today. We’re sending these out manually so they don’t get stuck in spam filters, so they’re not all going out at once. Just keep an eye on it.

2. If you no longer have access to that email address send an email to ninjas [AT] ittybiz [DOT] com (replace the [AT] with @ and the [DOT] with .) saying you needs the code. We’ll get it to you that way. If you put “I need my code” in your subject line, you’ll get it faster.

3. If you got SEO School for free when you bought Thesis you get your code too. Fret not. Watch your email.

4. If you don’t have SEO School and you’re feeling left out you can buy it now and we’ll send you a code too. Because we are givers. Like Santa, but not so chubby. Or old. And we have ninjas while he, silly man, only has elves. So I guess not like Santa at all, really. Just remember, we will be sending these out manually too.

On that note, I’m going to go. I have about 1700 emails to send. Happy Friday, y’all.

For those of you whose bosses don’t let you on Twitter, it read:

Getting ready for a hot bath and glass of wine with @chrisbrogan and @julien. Well, their book, anyway. #illtakewhaticanget

I went. I had my bath. As I was getting ready to go to bed, I remembered I was waiting on something, so I logged back on. I had a handful of DMs from someone I know who didn’t like what I said. Not a troll. Someone I know.

I’m not going to tell you what was said because my mother reads this blog and we’ll leave it at that.

Anti-Social Media

The Social Media Big Shots are out there talking about how fantastic it is to get out there and be social. To connect. To be authentic. To be yourself. To show a human face. And I’m on board. Social media is cool and has real benefits and can connect your business with customers in a way people five years ago couldn’t have dreamed of. Awesome.

But here’s the problem. When the Social Media Big Shots talk about showing the human side of business, what often fails to get translated is that they’re really speaking to Big Business. They’re speaking to businesses that previously did not have a human face.

As an ittybiz owner, you’re all human face. Your human face is all you’ve got.

When Ford gets in the social media game, they meet some of their potential customers on the customers’ home turf, and it’s great. They have very little to lose. Brandon the Intern chills out on Twitter all day, liaising with people, handling customer service issues, maybe messing around with the search function to see who’s talking. He gets to listen in when people say “I love my new F-150” and he gets to murmer sympathetically when they say, “Man, the F-150 is overpriced.”

But if somebody says something really, really awful to Brandon, they’re not saying it to Brandon. They’re saying it to Ford. Brandon is not the business. Brandon gets to go home.

You are your business. You can’t go home from being yourself.

When you get involved in social media, if you do it right, you open up a vein. You become vulnerable. To be authentic, you have to be really authentic.

In this example, I was being exactly who I would be in person. A little silly. Mildly flirtatious. Not quite appropriate. Authentic.

The Big Shots are so busy telling people like you and me about all of the people who are going to love us for being ourselves that they neglect to mention the people who are going to hate us for being ourselves.

When Penelope Trunk tweeted, from a meeting, that she was in the middle of miscarrying an unwanted baby, there was a public outcry. I guess that was a little too authentic.

No time to reflect

With in-person relationships, there’s time to reflect. When people aren’t your Right People, you have the time and the space and the power to get them out of your circle before they can do much damage. Usually, they don’t want to be in your circle in the first place, so you don’t even have to deal with it at all.

Online, where we reply to emails from strangers in a heartbeat and send @ replies on Twitter and “friend” people we couldn’t pick out of a police line-up, there is no time to think. There isn’t enough information to evaluate whether this person is nice or not nice. You can’t do any due diligence. You can’t even read body language.

We have to let people in before we know if it’s safe.

Having people say nasty shit to you sucks. Human psychology does not change just because we’ve found a shiny new medium. It doesn’t matter how much nice stuff people say about you, the bad stuff still really smarts. It’s damn hard to let it roll off my back when someone says something mean in person, and the invention of the internet doesn’t make it any easier.

So what’s the solution?

I don’t know if there is one. Now it’s 305 am. I’m guessing Jack will be up in about half an hour for his standard middle of the night “where the fuck is my mother?” I can’t sleep. I’m not tired. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I’m upset that I’m not saying all this right. But I don’t want to put it off until tomorrow because by tomorrow, I’ll be back to wearing my business hat. I’ll be back to saying don’t feed the trolls and telling myself to keep a tight budget on my emotional currency.

But right now, I’m feeling like I’m standing here shouting all alone.

I feel like our colleagues have abandoned us. (Not Scott and Elizabeth, from above. At least they’re talking about it.) I feel like, in order to look strong, they’re not telling the whole truth. I feel like the Big Shots stop listening when it stops being Kumbaya and unicorns. I feel like my fellow bloggers aren’t talking because they don’t want to appear weak.

The public rule for the nasty comment or wall post or tweet or DM is “don’t get riled up” and “don’t let it bother you”. OK. I’m okay with that. It’s good advice, as far as it goes. But it’s in line with the weight loss article that says, “to lose weight, eat less food”. Gee. Thanks.

Basically, I think there’s something missing in this whole authenticity thing.

If we were REALLY being authentic, we’d admit it hurts like hell.

Pick 25-50 questions.

Answer them as honestly and expansively as you can.

Follow your intuition. Trust the answers to lead you to make the right decisions.

Come back in three months and do it again, with the same or different questions.

Do that and you’ll have a better marketing plan than anybody I know. Including me.

1. What do I love to do so much that it doesn’t feel like work?

2. What parts of that activity are my favorite parts?

3. Is there anybody else on earth who might really dig doing the parts I don’t really dig?

4. Why are you different than all the other bozos who do stuff sort of similar to what you do?

5. Why are you BETTER than all the other bozos who do stuff sort of similar to what you do?

6. What’s wrong with your industry?

7. Can you fix it, even in a little way, even for only a handful of people?

8. Who really, really needs my product or service?

9. Who really, really WANTS my product or service?

10. What kind of person would I absolutely love to help?

11. How is that person different from the other people who are sort of similar to that person? (On this blog, I help people with really small businesses, yes. But I really help people with really small businesses who are bored out of their heads by normal small business blogs. Names withheld to protect the guilty.)

12. How are the other bozos failing this person?

13. What, specifically, could I make or do that would blow this person’s mind?

14. More specifically, what would be their definition of perfection?

15. How could I let them know about it?

16. How can I offer it in a way they’d be crazy to refuse? How can I position what I’m offering concretely, so they know EXACTLY how their life will be better once they’ve sent me some money?

17. What could I write in my subject line that would make that person desperate to open my email?

18. What could I write in my signature line that would make that person desperate to click my link or call my
number?

19. What very, very thoughtful thing could I do for that person to let them know I really like them? (Hint: contact management software comes in really handy here.)

20. What kind of sale could I offer that would make that person stop and pay attention? (Hint: Think of both the details of the sale — 50% off leather corsets until Thursday only — and the reason for the sale. My husband’s birthday sale was a lot more popular than my Black Friday one.)

21. What people could help me reach the people that I help?

22. What might people be typing into Google if they were looking for someone like me. (Hint: If you don’t know, find out. Start with SEO School.)

23. What might people be typing into Google if they didn’t know they were looking for somebody like me? (People who need marketing consultants rarely know they want one until they meet one they like.)

24. What personality traits do I have going for me in my quest to help my right people?

25. What human resources do I have that will help me in my quest to help my right people?

26. What assets do I have that will help me in my quest to find my right people?

27. Where do my right people hang out online?

28. Where do my right people hang out offline?

29. What nice stuff might other people say about me if only I asked them to say it? (Hint: You’ll get more testimonials if you ask for them.)

30. What could I do for the people who already dig me so that they’ll tell their friends about me? (Hint: Forget about money. Think niceness. And gestures.)

31. How could I use coupons for my product or service?

32. How could I use a time sensitive offer for my product or service?

33. How could I incorporate some kind of “buy one, get one” offer for my product or service? (Hint: It doesn’t have to be “buy Y, get another Y”. It can be “buy Y, get (much cheaper) X”.)

34. How could I say thank you to my buyers, referrers and chief champions?

35. Who could I team up with to create even more awesome stuff?

36. What can I give away for free that will make me look like the rockstar I am? (Hint: Think stuff you do on the internet AND stuff you can hold in your hands.)

37. How can I get the people I’ve already got more involved in the process? (Maybe they’ll retweet you. Maybe they’ll stay up all night stuffing envelopes. You never know until you try.)

38. How can I improve my website so people will be more likely to go where I’d like them to go instead of wandering around aimlessly?

39. What could I do to be interesting to the media? (Hint: you’re probably already doing it. You just have to position it right.)

40. How can I encourage my current customers/clients/tribe members to give me their suggestions? (They’re really smart. Ask them stuff.)

41. How can I make my touch more personal? (Handwriting instead of photocopying. Custom instead of auto DMs.)

42. How can I show everyone they’re important to me? (You know the dude with three Twitter followers? His money’s as good as anybody’s.)

43. What can I do now to get ready for the next 6-12 months? (It’s never too early to start thinking of your Boxing Day Sale.)

44. Where can I free up a little bit of money so I can put it back into marketing my ittybiz?

45. Why might my right people be afraid to buy what I sell?

46. Why might my right people be afraid to buy FROM ME?

47. What can I do to ease their fears?

48. What is my customer thinking about? (Hint: it’s probably not you. It’s probably whether they look good in that color of lip gloss or whether the funeral home will let them split the cost of their father’s wake over two credit cards.)

49. What is my customer worried about?

50. What does someone get when they buy from me? (Like, what do they actually get? Physically. In the box. Or the download. Or the consultation.)

51. What does that thing give them emotionally?

52. What does that something give them quantifiably?

53. How can I add to my product lineup so I can start offering products or services that are cheaper than my current ones?

54. How can I add to my product lineup so I can start offering products or services that are pricier than my current ones?

55. What other stuff could I offer to make me a one-stop-shop of awesome?

56. Is there anything about my buying process that’s a pain in the ass?

57. Is there anything about my lead generation process that’s a pain in the ass?

58. Is there anything about the actual exchange that’s a pain in the ass?

59. Is there anything about my after-sale process that’s a pain in the ass?

60. How can I make it even clearer how to buy from me?

61. How can I make it even clearer what customers or clients can expect?

62. How can I make my refund or exchange process even clearer?

63. How can I give a guarantee that makes my potential clients and customers feel completely safe?

64. Do I have too few options?

65. Do I have too many options?

66. What would make a really great bonus for my buyers? Blog readers? Referrers?

67. How can I suggest my customer or client buy something a little extra?

68. Can I afford to raise my price, even a little bit?

69. How could I give existing customers and clients a great deal on something extra?

70. What could I do to get over my fear of promoting myself and my awesome stuff?

71. What would I have to do to make my perfect customer say, “Holy shit, that was awesome service”?

72. How could I help out more in social media?

73. How can I make myself an indispensable resource?

74. What can I do that will make my perfect people want to thank me by buying my stuff?

75. How can I change my copy to make me a little more human?

76. What one thing could I do today to make one person like me more?

77. What mentor or peer could I thank today? Could I do it publicly?

78. Where can I eavesdrop to find out what problems my people might have that I could solve? (Hint: forums, blogs and magazines are good places to start.)

79. How can I make sure people don’t forget me? (Hint: People aren’t reading all your emails, direct mail pieces or tweets. Nothing wrong with saying it again.)

80. Where do the people I haven’t even thought of hang out? (Hint: Not everyone’s on Twitter or Facebook. Lots of people check the Yellow Pages still.)

81. Can I steal some tricks from my competition? (If the have a Boxing Day Sale, you might want to have a Valentine’s Day Sale. If they keep doing it, it’s probably working.)

82. Can I steal some tricks from businesses that AREN’T my competition? (Marketing and sales are marketing and sales. The person buying shoes is the same person who buys copywriting.)

83. What could my customer mean when they say they don’t have the money? (Hint: Just because they don’t have it now doesn’t mean they won’t have it later.)

84. Are there other methods of payment I could use to make buying easier? (PayPal. Credit cards. Checks. Dirty, filthy cash in an envelope. Payment plans. Discounts for not using payment plans.)

85. What’s the best thing I’m doing now, in terms of getting new leads, clients, or customers? Could I maybe be doing a little more of it?

86. What other groups of people might be interested in buying my stuff? (Ittybiz owners buy my books. So do my competitors. I make sure to market to both.)

87. Who has the money? (Hint: It’s just as easy to sell to rich people as it is to poor people.)

88. How can I make myself easier to get ahold of? (Hint: Not everybody likes email.)

89. How can I establish my expertise? (Hint: Think online AND offline.)

90. How can I stay in contact with my people more frequently without pissing them off? (A really, really good newsletter full of stuff they’re going to love is a nice choice here.)

91. How can I make my communication more personal? (Hint: People never want to be part of a group. Even in bulk mail, you can still write as if you’re only writing to one person.)

92. How can I make life easier for my customers?

93. Can I keep making their life easier, even after the sale?

94. What boring stuff haven’t I done yet? (Join the Chamber of Commerce or Small Business Association. Gone to a Meetup group. Put up flyers.)

95. How can I reduce my turnaround time? (This applies to shipping and deadlines, yes. It also applies to email and direct messages.)

96. What do I want to do by the end of today? This week? This month? This year? (Knowing what the hell you’re trying to do increases your chance of doing it, at least marginally?)

97. Is there anyone who could look over my marketing materials so I can get a second set of eyes without having to pay a pro?

98. Am I worth talking about?

99. What am I doing today that sabotages my success tomorrow? (There’s probably something you could be doing right now. Like, say, signing up for one of our free marketing lessons?)

100. Are my colors, images and branding choices really doing their job? (It’s awful easy to go with pink just because you like it, but do your customers?)

101. How can I show my potential customers that other people dig me? (Social proof is good. It’s social. And proofy. Think: comments, testimonials, a high number of Twitter followers.)

102. How can I give people more than I promised?

What to do right now

A lot of people who read impossible-to-consume-all-in-one-chunk articles like these like to bookmark them so they can come back later. It’s not like you’re going to ask all 102 questions today, right? So don’t lose them!

Also, if you know anybody who’s thinking about starting a business or has a business but doesn’t really like the marketing part, forward this on to them. It might just unlock something for them that changes everything.