i've got bad plumbing

The Hysteroscopy

2009-06-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

The Eastern Clinic is highly efficient. I saw them for the first time last week, and there I was on the OR table yesterday, nary a week later, undergoing a hysteroscopy.

But their efficiency doesn't end there. They told me to arrive at 9AM for a 9:30AM procedure. That's sorta typical. But I actually woke up on the OR table, snoring, at 9:30, completely done. Is that crazily efficient or what?

So one of the good doctors swung by my cozy reclining chair/bed when I was all done and said that there was something pressing into my uterus that was too large to remove and, yes, it would probably cause some implantation problems. But they didn't know if it was a fibroid or adenomyosis. I would THINK that if it were a fibroid that it would have shown up on the ultrasound last week. But they didn't mention anything at that time. So my vote is that it's adenomyosis. It's not something I WANT to vote for, but it just seems to make sense.

So I have an appointment for a followup and then I'll be scheduled for a transvaginal surgery to remove whatever it is that is impinging on my uterine cavity space. Ugh.

So I don't think I'll be cycling next month. Maybe the next month, unless it's the adenomyosis....and then all bets are off.

This makes me nervous. I'm 44. It's not like I have a lot of time to sit around and do a shitload of procedures. Let's get started already, ya know?

Stay tuned.

Big Apple BluesCD3

2009-06-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

"D" and I moved to Jersey City about 4 weeks ago. He got transferred here...so we're holed up in corporate housing for another month while we search frantically to find our own place. But...that's another story.

I went to my new Manhattan clinic yesterday for the first time. I adore my new doctor. We'll call him Dr. East since this clinic, and he, are both eastern.

I wasn't able to find my last FSH test result showing that my FSH came in at 10 or so, and I didn't realize until it was too late that I'd handed them the one showing my FSH at nearly 16 (which is their cut off). Of course they wanted to update this figure so they did a blood test for FSH, E2, and MIS (Mullerian Inhibiting Substance, which is supposed to be a much better test of ovarian reserve than is FSH/E2). Fingers crossed that I pass the blood work. I just came out of a bout with strep and was weak, dehydrated, and felt a bit like crap. I tend to test poorly on days like this, I think, due to low blood volume.

Anyways. It wasn't all good. On the table, Dr. East did his wanding, found the dreaded endometriomas on my left ovary (now 2cm large - 3cm and they'd do surgery to remove them), a good number of follicles (he didn't do a count), and then asked me if I'd ever heard of "Adenomyosis", which is a proliferation of endometrium in the uterine layer. Apparently my ultrasound appeared to have found this, and it might explain why I've never gotten pregnant in any of my previous cycles.

Moving right along, he said that he'd like to do a full blown hysteroscopy on me, send a little camera in to make sure that there aren't other functional reasons why I'm not getting preggers, so I'm going in on Monday morning for the procedure.

All I know is that these guys move FAST and I like that. No messing around at all at this clinic. My hat's off to them. I hope they figure out for me once and for all if I should try to cycle again. It would be good for my mind to know where it's all at.

I telephoned the ex today to tell him about the results, but he got off the phone in a hurry. The new GF doesn't care for my calling him, but too bad. I think he has a bit of a right to know why we spent nearly $50,000 and never had a child to show for it.

As I settle into this new life living on the edge of NYC, I wonder if I still have it within me to bear and raise a child. I'm not 100% clear on this. It's just one day at a time. I guess I'll know on Monday if I have any say in this or not.

Ya know?

They have a 16% success rate in women over 40. One of the best I've seen. I've got 5 tries left if they give me the green light.

More on Monday.

Update:
Lab results came in later on today.

FSH 8.15
E2 54.3

It's a go! MIS test results will come in a few weeks from now.

Cleaning House

2009-04-20T21:30:00.001-07:00

Moving to NYC in a few weeks and I really don't want to try to transport all of my IF meds through the airport.

Need something?

I've probably got it.

Reasonable $$ too.

Sperm Donation: On Donor Profiles

2009-04-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

When you're in the market to buy sperm, anonymous or open, you can nearly always pay a fee to download a profile. California Cryobank, as of today, charges $17 to download what they call their "long profile". It contains SAT scores, medical information, and a few extra details outside of the short (free) profile.

One has to wonder how truthful these profiles really are. How many of these 20-something men really know their ethnicity or family's medical history accurately enough to convey it to women trying to conceive? These guys are being paid about $100 a shot (sorry) for their sperm and what is the incentive to spend hours filling out medical history forms in order to do this? "Grandma, I need your medical history so I can donate sperm and get $100 a load. Can you please help me out?" I'm sure these conversations rarely happen and so I have to question to validity of the data that these donors provide.

One donor, whose information I paid for, when asked why he was donating honestly said that he was doing this for the money, plain and simple. I appreciate his honesty. I really do. But I'm a prospective buyer and I would plan on buying the entire packet of information for my child, and in there my child would read that their genetic father donated sperm for money.

For money.

At least adopted children have a better story than that. So my child would be greeted with the idea that the impetus for their existence amounted to little more than a couple hundred dollars in their father's pocket?

I am sorry but no matter how good the donor looks on paper, I would never want my child to read something so base, so unfeeling as that, for the reason for their existence.

Another donor that I considered, because the clinic said that he was quite attractive, said that he had smoked pot EVERY DAY from 1999 to 2006. The profile showed that he applied to be a donor in 2007. Oh really. So he decided to stop smoking COMPLETELY in 2007 just so he could donate sperm? Seriously, we're supposed to believe this? THC, the active ingredient in pot, is absorbed by the fat in one's body, and can wreak havoc in the body for a period after one has ceased to smoke. And so when I give my child THIS donor's profile, and s/he asked, "Gee mom, why did you pick this donor when he was a druggie?" what on earth would I say? Scratch this one, too.

After reading profile after profile, paying $17 for numerous profiles, I realized what a gimmick this sperm bank crap was. They really need to do drug testing and make a subscription model so that us prospective parents can do a thorough screening of the sperm donors.

I don't trust these young men's profiles. They're being paid. They're anonymous. I question their motives. There's no accountability or liability should they have lied that known genetic mutations run amuk in their families. And most of them probably don't know the difference between Serbian and Slovakian when citing their ethnicities.

It's so scary to be in the position of having to rely on donor sperm to become a parent. Truly, it is. I applaud Sweden and other EU counties for doing away with anonymous donor sperm and only hope that the U.S. will wise up and follow suit.

The Day After: On Sperm & Psychics

2009-04-02T22:01:00.001-07:00

So, I canceled myself yesterday and amazingly today I feel a lot better than I thought that I would. The racing pulse has diminished - not totally gone - but I am in better condition today than I thought I would be.

I have 21 days until my appointment with the doctor at the Island clinic back east. That will be after my next CD1, so I am thinking of moving the appointment forward, to before my next CD1 so that I can be prepared to get started again, if that is what I choose to do.

I don't think that I can do donor sperm unless it's totally open. So I'm not sure how this is all going to work out, or if it will.

My ex-DH's new GF, who is supposedly psychic, said that I will get my baby but...drum roll...that I am lonely. Hmm...I wonder if psychics see a snapshot, a moment of loneliness, or is it a continuum that she sees? Would any of you decide not to be a mother if you knew that the end result was loneliness? I'm not sure I believe what she says, but a girl at a company I worked for 3 companies back said that I was going to have twins: one boy and one girl. So fraternal twins at that.

Interesting stuff.

I wish I could believe. I really do.

CD6: Canceled

2009-04-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

I've been having anxiety attacks over this cycle.

I have been waking up at 4AM many nights unable to get back to sleep. My pulse has been racing for weeks. Literally WEEKS. I'm not exaggerating either. It has been horrible. I typically have very low blood sugar and when my BP came back at 110 over 70 the other day (rather than my typical 90/65 on an empty stomach) I knew that I was just going over the edge with this.

I guess I should fess up here.

I was prepared to do this cycle with donor sperm. My last partner and I broke up and he refused to donate for me. Left without options, I reserved a vial of anonymous sperm. But in the end, I just couldn't do the anonymous thing. I grew up not knowing my father and not meeting him until I was in my 30's. I realized that I was about to potentially put a child through the same hell that I went through.

I couldn't do it.

Why this reality didn't hit me earlier? I'm not sure. But in the last few days it came crashing down on me and the stress was overwhelming me.

I woke up today and decided that I couldn't go forward with this cycle. So I called the cryogenic lab and canceled the sperm delivery. The young man (gah!) on the other phone asked me why I wasn't using their sperm. I nearly sobbed into the phone and just managed a "my cycle is being canceled". Then I phoned the IVF clinic and reached the bitch nurse and told her I'd decided to cancel this cycle. She didn't ask me any questions about "why" I'd chosen to do this. She knew. Nor did she offer me any apologies for the crap that happened (which I haven't written about because it's too terrible to write about), just a "we'll be billing you a $500 cancellation fee" and that was it.

I won't be returning to this clinic despite their great rates with women my age. I have an appointment on the East Coast at a clinic that is one notch lower than the IVF shrine of the Rocky Mountains (we all know this place, yes?). I'm meeting with a doctor there the end of April but I might move the date up a bit sooner so I can get the next cycle on board. They said they would let me cycle right up to my 46th birthday, so there is a shred of hope. A shred. I'm not done yet, I can promise you that much.

This is a very sensitive topic, anonymous sperm donation. And this cycle had a lot of twists and turns that I haven't written about and some of them will have to remain private, perhaps forever. I hate being private, I am the queen of TMI, but because this involves others I'll bite my tongue. I could write volumes on the emotional ramifications of anonymous sperm donation and I probably will at some point. But right now I am sad for the loss of this cycle, the 9 follicles that aren't going to represent any sort of hope for me to become a mother this month.

I'll dig into this another time.

CD5 - Feeling Apprehensive

2009-03-31T19:45:00.001-07:00

CD5, stim day 4.

I'm not sure I want to go through with this cycle. Wish I could say more, but it's a cluster fuck beyond all compare.

Trust me on this one.

I'll shoot up my stims tonight, but I fear that tomorrow will be the end of this one.

CD4 - Do It Yourself LIT

2009-03-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

Tired of flying to Mexico and doing that border crossing? Ever wanted to do your own LIT? Now you can.

$350 includes:

2 centrifuges (you could resell on ebay when you’re done or donate to a science class and take a tax break)

Centrifuge Tubes (for the last spin to get the pellet)

3ml Herparin Tubes for blood collection (Vacutainer – expired but they are OK to use)

Butterfly Syringes for withdrawing blood (Sterile, sealed, 30+)

Gauze pads

Alcohol pads

Tourniquet

Centrifuge tube stand (metal and Styrofoam)

Lactated Ringers (Might be expired now) – this is for washing & diluting the pellet. You can easily get fresh online.

Sterile Saline (enough for a few LITs) in 10ml syringes (ready to use)

Sterile Pipettes

Separation solution/media (fresh, not expired)

Instructions as copied from a medical journal on how to do this procedure. I'd love to give you mine but liability, ya know?

Use at your own risk. I did my own LIT after two trips to Mexico - it's fairly easy to do if you have a good lab background and my process gets the exact same results (or better). If not, keep going to Mexico.

Shipping definitely extra as those centrifuges are HEAVY.

CD2: The reluctant cycler

2009-03-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

AF arrived in all her glory and here I am on CD2. Today was my baseline appointment with the dildo-cam. I drove the hour and forty-five minutes to the clinic way up north and paid my $15 copay. They wanted me to prepay the entire cycle before my baseline and I protested, "Can't we just make sure that I'm even going to cycle before I pay?" The receptionist agreed and smiled. She was nice.

They weighed me on the way to the room. I tossed shoes and sweater, trying to get anything off of me that would add weight. I hate the scale. And recently I've felt a bit heavy so I just wanted to avoid that entirely. I came in a few pounds lighter than my last visit. Weird. Maybe the scale needs calibration?

Escorted to the room, I waited yet another 20 minutes whilst sitting on the exam table, bleeding onto the pad they left me. At this point I realize my meter is running out in 20 minutes. I grabbed some towels to shove between my legs, wrapped the paper drape around me, and stuck my head out the door. And waited. Finally a nurse came by and said, "We're running behind. One doctor! You're next." I signed and said something about my meter running out in 20 minutes and could they please try to get to me...

Back on the table for another 10 minutes or so...they finally arrive. Comments went around about how much I appeared to be bleeding. "Uhmm...yes...you did say for me to come in on cycle day 2 and this is pretty much what it's like. Always. For the last 30-something years." Heh.

So the young girl doctor (not my usual RE) found 6 follies on the right, and a mere 3 on the left. I have a 12mm endometrioma (blood filled cyst) on the left ovary that has persisted for a few months now and will require surgery to remove should I ever want to go back down that route again). 9 in all. I should be pleased that at 44 I'm still making eggs, but I am a bit reluctant about trying again after having given up for so long. I really can't say why at this point but I have very specific reasons for my reluctance (the point is secrecy for the time being - as there is a chance that my partner's ex is reading this and looking for some sort of bait or weapon to bludgeon him with - wouldn't be the first time - so I write with a bit of caution these days. Just a bit.)

*snark*

Anyways, I paid my portion of the bill on my way out. $1356. I felt tremendously guilty that my portion was a meager 10%. I'm so used to paying cash for my IVF cycles that, finally having insurance, I felt awkward. But also elated at the same time that I wasn't breaking the bank to do this yet again. And get this: PGD and co-culture are covered by my insurance. As is cryofreezing. I think I have died and gone to IVF heaven.

So tonight's my first shot of Gonal F and medrol.

Let the good times roll.

Estrace Day 7Still no AF

2009-03-25T09:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, AF is really due today - CD28 - I often get AF on CD27 so I'm wondering if the estrace is going to whack-out my cycle. I do notice that my skin is looking a bit sallow, I've lost my usual glow (f*cking estrogen) and that my libido is on the wane.

Lovely.

This is the part about IF treatments that I hate. I guess I should be thankful, though, that I am not using lupron in this cycle. That stuff was responsible for me freaking out and canceling my cycle when I cycled with Dr. Pompy two years ago.

Estrace Day 6Getting Impatient

2009-03-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

OK...I started my estace 7 days past my ovulatory surge and here we are on Day 6 of these silly little blue pills.

Let's get this show on the road already. Where's AF when you need her?

Estrace Day 3

2009-03-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

Hmm, anything to report? Well, my skin is breaking out, but I think that this started before I started to take the estrace. I'm feeling a bit pudgier, too, but I always feel like this towards the end of my cycle.

I'm feeling a bit guilty for not having done the health kick that I did in IVF cycle 1, but there's a part of me that thinks that I did everything conceivable on those first two cycles. And it didn't help me get pregnant. So why bother? The crack whores of the universe get pregnant without sucking down wheat grass juice every single day, so why can't I?

Then my rational self kicks in and says, "OK, it's ok to have some decaf, and soy, and sugar...but in moderation!" So I'm trying to not sweat the small shit this cycle.

We'll see how well this attitude serves me.

Estrace Day 2

2009-03-20T12:23:00.001-07:00

So as I look at my cycle documents, it's clear that I'm on the "estrogen priming protocol". So my cycle looks like this:

Watch for ovulation surge
Start estrace 7 days later (3-20-9)
Call clinic on CD1, 1st full flow day (this should be in about a week unless the estrace screws things up). Stop estrace on this day.
Ultrasound on CD2
Start stims evening of CD2 if all systems go. Twice daily dosaging:

300iu Gonal
2 vials Menopur
CD7, 5 days after baseline, I do an estradiol blood test and ultrasound
At some point unbeknownst to me Ganirelix will be added into my protocol
Trigger
Retrieval 36 hours later
5 day of Medrol starting day of retrieval
Transfer 3 days later
Progesterone in ethyl oleate daily
2 weeks of HELL

And..by the way...I'm not doing anything special this cycle save for:
Prenatals
Fish oil
Vit D
Natural E
Selenium
Vitamin C
Calcium
Folgard/Methyl Folate cocktail
Baby Aspirin
Lovenox starting CD3
Might do 30g of IVIg the day before transfer. Might as well since I have 30g sitting in my refrigerator!

And so it begins...

2009-03-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

Started off the morning with a cup of decaf Starbucks and Estrace. I'm 7 days post my ovulatory surge...and am on the estrace til AF comes.

Then, so goes the protocol, I'm in for an U/S on CD2 and then stims start that night if all systems are go.

I'm sort of in disbelief that after having given up, here I am back on the horse.

A Note About my Cycle Numbers

2009-01-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

I know my cycle numbers are confusing. I may fix this one day. But for now, here's the scoop:

I did 2 fresh IVFs and 1 frozen with Dr. Moustache (I'm calling these IVF#1-#2 - there was a FET in there though but I guess I am not really calling this anything. Maybe I'm remembering incorrectly - I'll have to go back and check).

I then cycled with Dr. Pompy. They had me on lupron for a month or more. Holy fuck. You can only imagine my mood. This was the decline of my relationship with my boyfriend. We had near yelling matches in front of the receptionist when it came time to pay our bill which was 50:50. I went from 11 or 12 follicles down to 7. I freaked and canceled myself about two days before retrieval. (I count this as IVF #3 as it was hell enough).

I then cycled with Dr. Generous - one cycled canceled (#4 due to cysts) and then we did a full cycle (#5) that resulted in a measely 3 embryos, one of which looked like a football. It was my most miserable cycle ever. The boyfriend and I fought all through this cycle. When it was done, we were done. I couldn't stay with someone that had been so terrible to me while I went through what were the most terrible days of my life.

Then I gave up on IVF completely. The emotional strain was too much. The financial strain was killing me. My relationship with my boyfriend was over. I said unless I was hired at a company that paid for IVF that I'd never try again.

So I went on with life. I went back to work as a contractor and was wistful that my work compadres had insurance and I did not. They didn't need it either. They came to work pregnant and rubbed their bellies casually. It hurt. One girl actually said out loud one day, "Everyone I know who did IVF has twins." What? Helllllooooooo? Where are MY twins goddammit???

Two gigs later, I landed a FT job at a swanky software company but they didn't have IVF coverage. No matter. I'd given up. I was 43. It was done.

The end of October I saw that in the open enrollment forms they were adding on IVF coverage. My 44th birthday, weeks away, I decided, "WTF!? How can I NOT try if someone is giving me another chance?"

I went to see Dr. Italian, the most recent doc, and he said "no". So I'm off to see the esteemed clinic at the university in parts north. What to call this place? I need an alias. I'll think of one. But the doctor I'm slated to see on Monday shall be known as Dr. Red.

So here I am. 44 years old. Onto clinic #5 and what I am calling IVF cycle #6. It's really IVF #4 but the cycles that didn't work got so close to retrieval and I went through so much fucking hell that I am not going to casually dismiss them.

They sucked. They get their own number.

Fired by Dr. Italian

2009-01-24T18:39:00.000-08:00

Dr. Italian called two days ago to let me know that he'd put my case to the clinic's medical review committee. They voted 5 to 1 (against) letting me cycle. He called while I was at Kinko's furiously copying medical records to send to the next clinic. Yeah, I pretty much figured they weren't going to take me.

He said he felt I had about a 1% chance of taking home a baby.

9+ antrals. FSH = 15. E2 in the low 30's. And I have a 1% chance?

I know that my FSH will come down with a few more syringes of Humira. It works like a charm for me. And it'll stay down for months.

Millie's right. It's not about my FSH anymore - it's about my age. At 44 most will have given up on me. I may be crazy, but I'm heading north to the city to the folks that aren't scared of FSH. At least I think they're not. I only wonder how many times they'll let me cycle before they, like Dr. Moustache, cut me off as well?

I seriously do not believe for a second that FSH alone tells the whole story. FSH is an indicator, yes, to how the ovaries are responding, but what makes FSH vary? What makes the ovaries respond differently?

Dr. Hungarian, in NYC, felt that infection could definitely cause ovaries to malfunction. There's data to back this up. Dr. B, felt that our immune systems attacking the ovaries could do the same. Humira is known for calming the immune system and allowing the ovaries to return to normal. If you could see my FSH values a few months after a few shots of this elixer you'd know I was speaking the truth.

I also know that endometriomas and other maladies of the female gonads can also impede their ability to function property. Think about it. Cover the ovaries with blood filled cysts, or reduce their blood supply, and how would any ovary respond? Well? Or poorly? It's only obvious. One doesn't need 4 years of medical school, and 6 years internships to realize this.

Cure any of these problems, and the FSH is likely to return to levels that are normal for our ages. Age is clearly a problem, but it's not the only one.

I wish these damned doctors would remember this.

CD2: More Fun With Mr. Needle

2009-01-17T22:41:00.000-08:00

CD2 is upon me at last. I got a lab slip from Dr. Italian's nurse last night. It has the typical FSH/E2 but all ofthe general STD stuff they test for and since I have the bonus factor of being over 40, they added in a shitload of other blood tests for which I had to fast. Ugh.

They said I should go to LabCorp as that's where my best insurance bet will be. So I went to their site and looked for one in the Santa Cruz area. Score. One was open on Saturdays until 12PM. I headed down about 10:30AM starved from my fast. LabCorp lied. Well, their website lied. They were sold to Stanford and Saturdays were no longer available. Shit. Where to go? I slipped into the Chiro's office next door and begged their advice. They said to go to "Doctors on Duty", "just 'round the corner."

OK. I found that easy enough but they wanted a $60 fee for drawing my blood, PLUS I had to actually SEE their physician for god knows who what. What's more? They couldn't do all the tests I needed. I pleaded them to point me in the direction of yet a 3rd place. They said to head down Soquel to Dominican Hospital and that they definitely were contracted with LabCorp AND had a lab that would see me.

I headed off, following their directions, and never found the hospital. By now my blood sugar was nose diving and I was in near full migraine mode. I saw a Sutter Urgent Care and pulled over immediately. Turns out they did indeed have a lab and were happy to help me. Whew. 20 minutes later, after they'd put in the the huge list of codes for my draw...they finally called me back.

When I was finally out of there I was so relieved to finally have my tests done but then I thought, in a panic, I wonder if fasting, no food or drink for 14 hours, would fuck up my FSH/E2 tests. My thinking was: if my blood is has less volume because of the fast, then won't my levels of FSH be falsely high? So I hemmed and hawed most of the day over whether I should redo my tests tomorrow, on CD3. It would have been nice to have done a 2nd test, but my reason for doing FSH and CD2 rather then CD3 was that I want that number to be lower if possible.

My last FSH was something wretched like 17 or 17.5. If this one that I took today is elevated then I'm going to be screwed. Dr. Italian won't likely let me cycle if I'm above 12 or a bit more. He CAN, however, submit my case to their internal medical review committee to see if they'd consent to let me cycle.

Crap.

So maybe I should have gone to the Hoity Toity College IVF clinic for a consult. There's a doc there who is fine with high FSH levels - but their overall stats, even for younger women, is rather sucky.

Dr. Pompy would make me do a FSH "jump through the hoops" test...so that's out, too, I think.

What to do?

Along another note, I got a call on Thursday that a set of 3 embryos were ready for me if I wanted them. I received the packet on them that same day. There are only 3 embryos, the quality is mid grade, and the biological mother listed both Alzheimers and Parkinsons in her medical history. Her descenents didn't seem to live too long either. One the father's side, he didn't list much in the way of medical history. A red flag. Both were short. So, I'm passing on them. I'd rather go for a larger cluster of embryos. 3 isn't much. The mom was 32 at retrieval...sort of midrange.

Hmmm....lots to think about and things will be moving rather fast from here out.

So I started my BCPs today...and will wait to hear on my FSH values. Should get them by Tuesday at the latest since Monday is a holiday.

Stay tuned for more fun with high FSH.

My day with Dr. Italian

2009-01-02T17:54:00.000-08:00

Day 2 of my UTI. As of 9pm last night it seemed to be on the retreat. Thank god for Cipro. So now I'm nervous that taking this humira is really going to fuck me up. But how the hell else do I get my FSH down? How? I just cut out caffeine, alcohol, sugar...and I'm off to WF's to get fish oils tonight. I have two weeks to try to make a dent. I doubt I'll make it but, hell, you never know. I can get in two shots before the next CD3 FSH and maybe it will help. I'm also doing Cipro and Dr. Hungarian was convinced that infections would make ovaries work harder and require more FSH to get things a'movin'.

Oh crap. If I've blown my chance the second I get IVF insurance I'll just freak.

So this morning I'm laying in bed with the new man...and his 4 year old crawls into bed with us and promptly starts sneezing and says, "I'm feeling a bit sniffly today." Fuck. From UTI to pneumonia in a few days? Seriously folks, I'm not over reacting here. Last December I tested positive for pneumonia after coming off of humira, so it CAN and DOES happen. So I grabbed a roll of TP for his nose and tried to keep the green stuff off of his pillowcases best I could.

So today was my big day at the new clinic. It totally blew my mind that the fees for today would be a freakin' COPAY! $25. I am so used to being raked over the coals from each RE. All day long I found myself freaking out because I wasn't sure how I was going to afford all these payments...and then I'd reel myself in with, "But it's covered!!!! Stop it already!" I'm not sure how long it will take for it to sink in that I have insurance at last.

So the clinic isn't impressive when you walk in the door. It's a bit shabby actually. But it's a satellite office so I'm sure the main place is much more impressive. My initial impressions: upbeat, a bit on the conservative side, realistic. He has a funny habit of talking fast and not looking at people in the eye...I'm not sure if that bothers me or if he's just quirky.

So the meeting went as such: vitals, meeting 1, u/s, meeting 2.

Vitals: OK, so I weighted with my clothes on. I'm 8 pounds heavy from my top shape in NYC over the summer. Ugh. BP is normal, slightly low as usual.

Meeting 1: He said I had a 5% chance of taking home a baby and asked if I was prepared for that bit of realism. Yeah, of course I am. We chatted for at least an hour. I had to reign myself in from asking him his thoughts on every single piece of IF research.

U/S: Dr. Italian fires up the dildo-cam and goes for the ovary on the right. He looks rather surprised and tells the nurse that there are 5, yes five, follicles on the right. One of them (or in addition to the 5, I'm not sure) is forming a cyst. He moves the cam to the left and tells me, "If you thought the right side was good, you should see the left!" Four follicles plus 2 small cysts. 9+ follicles on CD12. I can't tell you how pleased all of this makes me. I also realize that today being CD12 means that on CD2 or CD3 we might have found even a few more as it's hard for the U/S to "see" all the follicles once the cysts start to form.

Meeting 2: Dr. Italian explains that, at my age, he would have expected a single follicle on one ovary and basically nothing on the other side. He does a lot of smiling and fills out a lab slip for me to test my FSH/E2 on my next CD3. He's a bit optimistic. He said he doesn't think my FSH will be much higher than it was in my last IVF (it was somewhere between 7 and 10.5, heck if I can remember anymore). All I know is that if you've been following these posts...I have my doubts. He said he'd only let me cycle if it comes back lower than 12.

Crap.

Happy New UTI

2009-01-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

Shoot up humira on day 1. Get a UTI the very next day.

God this is nasty stuff.

Happy new year everyone. (Seriously!)

Let's Get That FSH Dooooooowwwwwwn!

2008-12-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

Received a gift of 6 Humira syringes today. One helluva gift if you know what this stuff goes for.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

So...why am I shooting myself up with this stuff? Dr. B was convinced that it lowers FSH...and by golly it DOES. How do you think I got my FSH down to 6.5 or 7 just a year and a half ago?

*evil grin*

Fingers crossed that it works again.

Took my first shot today.

Are my ovaries toast?

2008-12-29T12:04:00.000-08:00

CD3 results:

FSH 17
E2 92

I guess I'm going into menopause? WTF? I don't get it. I have great FCM, ovaries ache like mad at ovulation. I'm healthy, look young as hell.

Is it all over?

CD3 FSH

2008-12-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

Doing my CD3 FSH/E2 today. My IVF insurance kicks in on January 1st. I'm not sure who I'm going to cycle with.

Will it be:
Dr. Pompy....Dr. Italian....or, Dr. Generous

I guess that all depends on how the test results come in. Stay tuned.

The Clock Strikes 44

2008-11-29T13:40:00.000-08:00

I turned 44 today and to commemorate the day, I emailed Dr. Pompy to see if he would let me cycle with his clinic again. I also emailed for an appointment with a new doctor, whom I will refer to as The Italian for lack of a better imagination on my part - The Italian has an office close to me but his clinic is way over on the east side of my locale which makes for a stressful retrieval if nothing else. Nothing like driving in early morning rush hour traffic with your ovaries about to explode. Oh yeahhh.

This latter doc was recommended to me by my OB/GYN over a year ago when I told her that Dr. Moustache fired us. I just checked his success rates at my age. THEY SUCK! Holy shit. I have a good mind to write to Dr. Moustache and beg for another try as he did get the best numbers for me. I hate grovelling, though, and fear that he'd just kick me and my crappy uterus to the curb. It's either that or I should hop a plane for the clinic in the Rockies where they still knock women up my age with success rates in the 30-something percentages.

I'm on CD5 and can you believe that I totally forgot (FORGOT!?) to test my CD3 FSH. Jesus christ I've been off the merry-g0-round long enough that I've just lost my mind about most things infertility.

Stay tuned as the worm begins to turn yet again.

My How the Worm Turns

2008-10-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

I took the job I have now with the belief that they had IVF coverage. Then found that it wasn't true.

I gave up. Tossed in the towel. I simply couldn't afford to do this anymore. My S/O and I split up and we're now doing our own thing (except for the small fact that he still lives with me). Life went on. Or so I thought.

Drum roll.....

Open enrollment is underway at my company and the new plans came out today. Let's just say I'm beyond stunned.

Not only are they covering IVF but they're outdoing any company I've known before:

$25,000 lifetime meds for IVF
$50,000 for IVF (max of 5 cycles)

Holy crap.

Jealous? I'm still stunned. I cannot fucking believe that as I turn 44 years old next month, I am greeted with the possibility of being a mom. Again.

The first question that came to mind after the "holy fuck" was "Do I do this again?" followed immediately by, "Where is Dr. Pompy's phone number and does he take BC/BS of Texas???"

I've since calmed down. I perused the CCRM website before leaving work and stopped by the house to pop my folgard, BA, HPT-5, and vitamin E.

I think you could say I already know what I'm going to do. Tomorrow I'll hit up Whole Foods to load up on omegas. I have 4 months to get my eggs in shape, do LIT, find HGH to shoot up (we're going cutting edge!).

The only question now is: who's going to be the daddy?

*sobs*

Holy Crap

2008-09-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

The long awaited call just came not two minutes ago.

My donor embryos are ready.

4 perfect 8-celled lovlies - if I want them. The product of an egg donor and the father's sperm. The embryologist said they are very high quality. Oy, visions of triplets dance through my head.

I have 7 days to digest the parent profiles and decide. If I don't choose to take these I can stay at the top of the list for the next set to come my way. I'll continue to get "first dibs" until the right set comes in.

Since the partner and I have split I'll be signing up to be a single mom, a scary prospect. I'm not sure what to do. My heart says "go for it", my brain says, "Why do you have to do this? You gave up!"

How do I make this decision this week? This month? This year?