J00sterJournal

Euro Stars Part 3: The Top of Europe

2025-12-06T23:51:00.001+13:00

Base camp for the Swiss Alps expedition party: Grindelwald, nestled at the foot of the imposing North Face of Eiger Mountain. First order of business is to refine one's rope techniques for the crevasse crossings.

And make sure the avalanche dogs are well fed.

On second thought, this is the rope technique you've been looking for.

Jungfraujoch Glacier, the self-professed Top of Europe.

Who needs a coat on a glacier when you grew up inside a New Zealand house?

Do they have glacier-side service by any chance? Could go for a mulled wine right about now.

The international sign of chocolate.

The world's highest Lindt shop. More flavors than there are Cantons.

Now that's the Top of Europe.

The only path between villages is by air.

In case of frostbite, sit here.

Neutrality never looked so good. Milk chocolate or dark chocolate? Both, I'm neutral.

Yodel for your ice cream.

Lauterbrunnen, where the whole town shares a water feature.

Scoping out the best flying fox route.

If your playground isn't surrounded by glaciers, is it even a playground?

Apparently there's good skiing here, but there's something to be said for shorts and t-shirts at altitude.

You know something is afoot when your room number is infinity.

The legendary Goat Hotel, where goats live with you on your balcony. Because who doesn't want to soak in a hot tub with goats?

The star of the show is Lucky, the only goat clever enough to escape her enclosure every day to go walkabout around the hotel.

Find that goat officer!

Please save some room for the goats.

You never know who your hiking companions will be in Switzerland.

From the highest Lindt store to the World Headquarters on the shores of Lake Zurich. A four-story-tall chocolate waterfall? Yes please. Lauterbrunnen's was just lame water.

Euro Stars Part 2: Louvre Heist

2025-12-06T23:24:00.003+13:00

Double Black Tie, the highest category of... buy online discount suits. Buy one get one free.

Congratulations to Luke and Sid!

Pocket squares up gentlemen.

Eurostar, the only way to travel. Leaves the Acela in her dust, except she doesn't make dust because she's so smooth and doesn't run on century-old rails with manual switches.

When in Paris, eat gelato?

That's more like it, a classic boulangerie

Bonjour mademoiselle!

Now remember, the key to a good heist is to move slowly and drive a forklift.

Darn it, someone already nabbed the head. Wings just aren't selling like they used to on the black market.

Just the faintest hint of a smile, the sfumato background. It must be the real deal.

Pardon my French.

Hang on, wasn't he Belgian?

Just another lazy day on the Seine.

They let them start young in Europe.

Musée de l'Armée, where there's an entire wing devoted to white flags.

Aren't you a little short for an Emperor?

The City of Light, useful when the kids are up all night.

Here lies Supreme Allied Commander Ferdinand Foch. Did he win Fortnite or something?

Hang on, you just got your own bedrooms, we can wait a bit for your own wings.

Euro Stars on the move. Next stop Suisse.

The city of Basel. When you're best known for your Capital Adequacy Framework you might need a brand refresh. Still, convenient train station.

Euro Stars Part I: In His Majesty's Service

2025-12-06T22:19:00.001+13:00

You know you're old when there's a generation that never knew Britian as part of Europe. You also know you're old when you have this much luggage in tow. Whatever happened to Keep Calm and Carry On?

Hold on tight, that might be a Boeing window.

The Greatest Generation saved the world from the cockpit of a Spitfire as the bombs rained on London. The Spoiledest Generation wonders why they can't reach the touch screen when the chair becomes a bed.

Is the midnight sundae cart en route?

The Full English Breakfast after Rachel Reeves got her hands on it.

The station's Bond, Bond Street.

Elementary my dear Watson, which part of your room isn't ready yet didn't you understand?

But not to worry, it doesn't take many clues to deduce there's a bar in the courtyard.

Auditioning some new Royals to replace His Disgracefulness Andrew Mountbatten. Don't worry, just because they're from the Upper East Side doesn't mean they've been to that townhouse...

Thanks to His Majesty for making his residences available whilst off galivanting on a fox hunt or something.

The good old days, when you drove with the seat of your pants, not an AI-optimized tire preservation program. You know, like how Daddy drove his Corolla.

Now that's a proper Full English. You know, one where you're actually full afterwards.

The world is your Oyster Card.

A bridge between centuries.

Back when power meant cogs and levers not thousands of Nvidia Blackwells whirring in a silent data center.

Jolly good show old fellow, cracker of a day if I do say so myself.

The majestic HMS Belfast still patrolling the Thames after all these years. None shall pass. Except those with a ticket and dorky audio guide.

Faster, sailor, faster! Those U-Boats aren't going to sink themselves! Step lively my good man!

Is that the Uber Boat arriving?

Captain, set course for the Battersea System.

The mighty Battersea Power Station's turbine halls were once pulsating with the fiery metamorphosis of carbon into electricity, now they're transmuting tourist Pounds into ice cream and Apple products.

The Existential Climate Change Express. Ride up the middle of one of the towering smokestacks and imagine what life was like for a CO2 molecule before cancellation.

On second thought, this whole Woke Power rocks: no smog, blue skies, an entire turbine hall full of consumer goodies shipped across the ocean and produced with outsourced carbon...

The Three Amigos? Hang on a second, did we lose the power trader in the power station?

It seems Big Fossil Fuel has a message for us.

Team Devan Global Headquarters. Where almost-PMs and captains of industry rub shoulders with... Massey alumni.

You'll always have Palmy.

The Happiest Place on Earth Part III: The First Zoomers

2025-05-10T09:13:00.001+12:00

That is one big tree. It needs to be big so a really long line can wrap around its girth.

Last time we were in a village like this we were getting ready to either careen down the crocodile-infested white water of the Zambezi or clambering on a rusty prop plane to get dumped in the middle of the Okavango Delta. This time? Well, let's just say the thirst for a Coke is the same...

A safari where you're guaranteed to see all the Big Five? Typical, everyone's a winner these days, no one has to work for anything, everything is handed to... hang on, did you say Lightning Lane? Yes please.

I mean it's not quite the dugout canoe in the Delta, but hey, it's pretty darn close.

Avatar. Zooming before that was a thing.

Remember, keep your camera off and no one will know you're WFD... Working From Disney.

Kids I know I told you that the real world is better than those dumb online worlds. But you see, this is a real-world model of a virtual world, so it's like, ok. Or something.

So Dad, when you Zoom do you also remote into a loin cloth? Hey son, at least that's better than that CNN dude.

Last time we were in a village like this we were acclimatizing to the altitude for the final push to Everest Base Camp. This time? Well, let's just say the thirst for a Coke is the same...

Yak butter tea anyone?

#NotTheZambezi.

Apparently, you can see the future in that ball. Turns out Guardians of the Galaxy it isn't. I guess ol' Walt didn't forecast reverse magnetic launches.

Last time we were in a village like this we... Oh wait, we've never been to a souk because the monsters came along and here we are in Disney instead.

But hey, close enough.

Back to the Future. Oh wait, that was Warner Brothers wasn't it? Next year, Universal...

The Happiest Place on Earth Part II: It's a Small Blog After All

2025-05-10T08:40:00.000+12:00

Search your feelings, Father, you can't do this. I feel the conflict within you, let go of your spreadsheet! It is too late for me, son. The laptop will show you the true power of the VLOOKUP.

Expensive nightlights.

Main Street U.S.A. Spend, baby, spend!

You realize this might be the only internal combustion engine you ever drive in your life?

Which line shall we skip next? Remember that spreadsheet you were bagging? The folks who don't use one are standing over there under the two-hour wait sign.

Why hello, what's your OnlyFans handle?

It's a small world after all, except if you have to fly 20 hours to get home.

The old log flume has been converted into a Princess Tiana DEI course.

With that much gold you wonder if Orange Man will appear on the balcony soon.

Go Forth Unafraid.

Remember, in these enlightened times you don't have to wait for the prince anymore - you've got Lightning Lane!

The new TRON coaster juxtaposed with the old classic, Space Mountain. Yes, ride technology has advanced.

Rise and shine, King Simba wants you all logged into the morning meeting by 7.45am.

Did someone say rest day? I mean Zoom day.

The Happiest Place on Earth Part 1: Lightning Lane Premier, a.k.a. the Quick and Easy Path

2025-05-10T08:11:00.000+12:00

It's always 5am somewhere. Specifically, Newark Liberty International Airport Terminal A. But don't worry, this was before the ATC system decided it didn't feel like getting out of bed.

Warning, entering wallet shrinkage zone.

The Animal Kingdom Lodge. Looks like the wildebeest beat us here.

Aren't you supposed to be singing or something? Circle of Life and all that?

A Short Time Ago, in a Kingdom Not That Far Away...

These aren't the tourists you're looking for.

Swapping the blaster for the whip, just like the man himself.

The first transport is away! The first transport is away! Oh wait, it's not because there's a two-hour line to get on board. But not if you have Lighting Lane Premier, see you at Endor suckers!

When the kids pin you down in the souvenir shop, keep an eye out for the trash compactor escape route.

All briefings are better in a British accent.

Is that like an X-Wing MAX or something?

Help me Rocki-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. Actually, never mind, we only needed you for those Lightening Lane passes.

I mean when you look at the number of people we got behind us in this line, I reckon we got you guys outnumbered!

Anyone got a grappling hook?

Call me old fashioned, but I prefer the four-holers.

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Well actually you will, with Park Hopper you can head over to Magic Kingdom and Epcot...

Come on kids, you take chess, should I open with the Holdo Maneuver?

An elegant weapon for a more civilized age. You know what, things are quite civilized with this Lightning Pass thingee, if I do say so myself. Breeze right past those two-hour lines like you're bullseyeing womp rats back home.

I am a Jedi, like my father before me! Uhm ok, if you consider pivot tables with your eyes closed a Jedi trick.

What a piece of junk! The old GLE would fit right in.

Oh look, it's a Brooklyn Millennial Angst-class interceptor. Set course for the Roberta's System.

She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts. You can tell because hapless souls are waiting two hours to go in.

Ry-Ry and PP-6.

He's as clumsy as he is stupid. Dad came out of lightspeed too close to the sugary drinks after bedtime.

Speaking of elegant weapons.

Big Bay Bash: Part IV

2025-03-24T13:48:00.002+13:00

I think it's safe to say that's not Eden Park.

And that's not a motor lodge. Welcome to Los Angeles. No chocolate fish here, everyone is on Ozempic.

Work From Pool. Jamie Dimon was right after all.

Always two there are. A master. And an apprentice.

These aren't the steak and cheese pies from the BP down the road.

Suburban SoCal. I mean if you're going to pay extortionate taxes in a dysfunctional blue state run by a crook you might as well get a pool, am I right? And a crook with good hair.

Billionaires Roe. I'm more of a thousandaires kind of guy myself. You'll find those tins in the canned tuna aisle.

If you can't read it, it's probably good.

Venice Beach. Where the influencers hang. What's a blog? Is that like a scroll or something?

By the time you finish complaining about the heat we'll already be back below freezing.

Speaking of influencers, here's how you too can Make American Geek Again.

Engine failure over the Sierra Nevada. I believe the last time a family got stuck in these parts things went downhill when they ran out of stroopwafels.

Luckily a new plane, a new engine, and new bags of chips are available.

Big Bay Bash: Part III

2025-03-24T13:28:00.000+13:00

Mount Doom not looking all that doomy today. Suck it Sauron, go back to your black mold and leaky roof.

Pohutukawa, the New Zealand Christmas Tree. Santa's signal to change to jandals and a tank top.

The classic Kiwi motor lodge is as accurate a time capsule as you'll find anywhere. A freezing cold pool, a trampoline that breaks more arms than falls, a friendly column of ants wondering where the Whittaker's Peanut Slab went. Hello 1990s, let's fire up some Britney and party like Y2K is going to end the world.

Now listen up kiddos, there's a time and a place for egg on a burger. The time is circa the early-1990s, the place is a Maccas on the corner of a square in a town so generic the only thing separating it from another version of itself is a hastily scrawled North at the end of its name.

Massey Old Boys. And Girls.

Massey Young Boys. And Girls.

A hint of doom. Sauron must have got his next WINZ payment, time to hit the pokies.

Rise and shine hobbits, there's a long journey ahead.

Luckily Gandalf knows a shortcut. I'll have the McThrowback please. Would taste better in the front seat of a red Corolla, but who knows how to drive a manual these days?

Better food than your national airline.

A private tour of the National Kiwi Hatchery. Careful kiddos, any more whining and they'll mistake you for a possum. And you know what we do to possums in these parts.

Zorbing. The art of rolling down a paddock in a giant inflatable ball. The kind of thing that gets invented in a part of the world where there's not much going on in the ol' paddock out back.

About as straight as State Highway One.

You survived zorbing. And running around barefoot. Congratulations, you meet the minimum requirements for Massey admissions.

Big Bay South, the crown jewel of J00ster Holdings LLC. Perched on a bluff high above the Manukau Harbor at the tip of the remote Awhitu Peninsula, Big Bay South reimagines the classic Kiwi bach for the Instagram generation. You're not in the 1990s any more folks, no Formica countertops and shag carpet left over from the Muldoon era, just sleek minimalism and a view that manages to make 24 hours on a plane worthwhile.

Milo cereal never looked so good. It always tasted good.

The kind of pitch that calls for a couple of languid overs of slow-medium pace before a lengthy afternoon tea break. Brought to you by Dilmah.

Looks like the captain called for the heavy roller to flatten out the pitch a touch before day 3.

I reclaim this territory from the ants! None shall pass!

The flights are long but the moments are short.

Cheers Aotearoa. You delivered the kind of summer you can't find anywhere else on this big old planet of ours. Until we meet again, you're a beaut.

Big Bay Bash: Part II

2025-03-21T01:28:00.006+13:00

It's New Zealand, all roads lead to the beach kids.

Good ol' New Zealand, amazing what no fear of heights... I mean litigation... can do for playground technology.

The only rat race you'll find Down Under.

Nice day for a stroll on a volcano.

Rangitoto, guardian of the harbor. If you can see the summit, you always know you're almost home. Unless of course you're stuck in the traffic on the harbor bridge.

You could almost swim over there. Except the chocolate fish are all on land.

Could get used to this whole Christmas in summer concept.

Let me introduce you to the classic Kiwi corner dairy. A portal to a simpler time, when a bag of lollies was one shiny gold dollar coin and the only things longer than the Longest Drink in Town were the endless, sun-drenched days.

World Famous*

* In New Zealand.

The cuzzie bros.

In New Zealand it is customary to play in the effluent runoff. That's how clean and green we are.

This is what we call a smoko kids. In these enlightened times that's a restorative break for, uhm, meat pies.

Mt. Victoria. Possibly the un-canceled name of the volcano that towers over Devonport.

On a day like this you can almost see Australia. Or at least Billionaire Bunker, also known as Waikiki Island.

Looks a little warm for a Kiwi house?

Big Bay Bash: Part 1

2025-03-21T00:22:00.006+13:00

One hour Uber to the airport seem long? Bad news, still 23 left to go.

It was the blink of an eye and an eternity ago, those glistening, golden, deep fried chicken wings at Manawatu Street. It's time. Home is calling, like the cry of a Morepork drifting through the stillness of the bush, as the sun's last rays bring Colin McCahon to the barren hills. More pork fried rice did you say? At Fishtown? Yes please!

If you're going to circumnavigate, it helps to have Saks on Fifth linens. Am I right Magellan?

If Howard Shore's crescendo as the camera soars over the Southern Alps doesn't get you in the mood for some Middle Earth, you probably have orcish blood in veins.

Land ho! Runny nose, itchy eyes, sneezing already? Yep, passes all tests: Aotearoa is in sight!

Haere mai!

And that's why you fly all the way around the world. For Christmas on the beach. For the riotous bloom of the Pohutukawa. For chocolate fish to garnish your creamy flat white.

A flat white a day keeps the jetlag away.

Let me tell you son, back in my day the meat pies were twice that size.

We will fight them on the beaches, we will... oh who are we kidding, we can't be bothered, there's cricket on the radio and fish and chips spread over last week's newspaper.

You know this is a volcano, right? If you see smoke, you're heading in the right direction.

Kiwi as bro.

It must be summer because there's no condensation blocking the view.

I'm a purist, stick with a fern mate.

New Zealand's favorite biscuits. Brought to you by Australia.

Hang on a second, either you're one bent elbow away from an ICC disciplinary hearing or the World Series is finally living up to its name.

You know it's a Kiwi summer when... the water is still too cold to go in.

The real McCoy. Not to be confused with the real McCaw.

Ahoy maties, got any stubbies aboard?

The kids are worried Santa might be too hot delivering presents in his furs in the Southern Hemisphere. No risk of that in NZ, it's a Kiwi summer after all, be lucky to crack 40... Fahrenheit.

Milo cereal for Christmas breakfast. These kids will never know the frustration of stirring a glass of milk for half an hour and still not seeing it dissolve.

Brotown. 801 South 11th Street.

So get this cuz, in America Santa drives this big blue truck that comes from the Amazon rainforest.

Does anyone tip their barista here? Because that man deserves an extra buck for holiday spirit.

Ranchito Cahan

2024-12-22T14:32:00.000+13:00

Tighten your chaps, strap on your spurs... uhm after TSA of course... and hop on the next stagecoach to the Great State of Texas.

Look Dad, the stagecoach has TVs, and wifi, and if you make it as far as the Continental Divide you might make Platinum this year. If you don't, well, your fellow passengers will probably eat you.

Howdy pardner, that was quick, I guess Good Leads the Way on that stagecoach.

So bro, seen any cowgirls around? You mean like IRL or on my blazing fast Starlink wifi?

Ranchito Cahan, an architectural masterpiece in the Austin Hill Country.

Think the sleek, minimalist lines of the classic Kiwi bach, except, you know, Texan sized.

Well now, seems we got a whole crew of cowpokes hankering for some grub.

NextGen Cahans #4 and #8.

So even the longhorns are on Ozempic now?

With uniforms like that no wonder Uncle Jared folded with a whimper.

I mean a bucking bronco is just dressage after this ride.

The moment of truth. How hard can it be, that other Texan just plucked a ginormous rocket out of the sky with chopsticks.

Remember, in these parts a pillar of fire is supposed to lead you to the Promise Land, not your Thanksgiving dinner.

Looks like the posse is back in town. Lock down your saloons, the raid on the light beers commences at high noon.

Bubbling along nicely.

Cahan Prime. Worth the annual subscription. Gets you your stuff on the three-month express coach not the six-month overland.

Someone warn me if the turkey is about to explode, I'll need to put a bookmark in.

Because that's how we roll down here in the Hill Country. Real men cooking real meat. And Jared.

Ranchito Cahan. Since 2024.

Why is their water tank bigger than our entire apartment?

The Cahan Rodeo rides into town in style.

The frontier town of Wimberly has all the essentials: a saloon, a post office, and... a candy store? Hey, got to put those newfangled iron horses from way out east to good use.

Hometown ho down.

Taking a break between Yellowstone takes.

Austin, the Silicon Frontier. Where GPUs and cowboy hats go hand in hand.

A troll? Well this is Elon's hometown, what did you expect?

All aboard the noon United Continental Express, puffing all the way to the great concrete forest of Manhattan.

Trolls World Tour Part 4: Slower, Lower, Weaker

2024-10-27T03:50:00.000+13:00

After hosting a dazzling Olympics, Parisians could be forgiven for hoping the afterparty would be a bit better than a rushed mention on a blog that has less traffic than President Macron's fundraising page.

I knew I had a champion within me!

Slipping into the Parisian lifestyle a little too easily.

Credit to the girls, eh? We were just the better team on the day, eh? Gutsy performance out there today, eh?

Don't those snooty French waiters know we don't have time to wait an hour for a menu? Our time is measured in Grizzly and the Lemmings episodes, darn it!

I believe that's what they call the flambé technique? I guess I'm a natural, I regularly employ that technique whilst cooking without even trying.

Hotel Nolinski, five stars for the kid-sized bathrobes. Ryan, zero stars for needing an adult-sized bathrobe.

When in Paris...

So, who wants to walk further to see some more old buildings? No, we are not going back to the hotel with its free candy, plush robes, big pool, and adult beverages. Ok fine, we are going back.

The Olympic torch, still operational because the Paralympic Games are underway. After all this walking on his gimpy knee Dad will be eligible for multiple disciplines.

So, don't all thank me at once for vetoing the stair option.

The Grand Palais, the best fencing venue since the Broadmoor Colorado Springs.

I assume that's a ceremonial cannon given you have a white surrender flag on call at all times.

Follow the arrow and good things will happen.

Anyone still want to complain about taking the elevator? Nope, didn't think so.

Must be the athletes' lounge.

Daddy, is this the fancy street?

All the locals are friendly when the Olympics are on.

Not as clumsy or random as a Starbucks; an elegant brew for a more civilized age.

Speaking of elegant, the Louis Vuitton Foundation proves that Mei's many donations have gone to a good cause.

One pillar for each handbag?

Turns out a random amusement park next to the Louis Vuitton Foundation was a sleeper highlight of the trip. No lines! No Fast Pass! No overpriced chicken nuggets!

Monsieur, may I bring you your daily baguette? With ham? And cheese? And...ye gads what is it with you Americans, ruining the simple pleasures in life.

The best Olympic torch idea since Barcelona 1992.

Bonjour!

Even Charles De Gaulle International is pleasant after the Olympic fix-up. Someone give this terminal a gold medal in the Non-Oil State weight class.

The Hogwarts Express was fun and all, but you can't earn miles.

Trolls World Tour Part 3: Trollathon

2024-10-27T03:07:00.001+13:00

Oslo, a gem of a city, dotted with parks and surrounded on one side by a fjord and on the other by lush troll forests. Amazing what pumping carbon out of the ground will do for your greenbelt.

Remember when kids dreaded the school bell that marked the end of summer? Not today's nerds.

Still, there's plenty of summer left, especially when the sun doesn't set until 11pm.

Last one around the lake is a rotten egg? Or did that get cancelled? Because you know, winners are sure to be colonizers or capitalists, or even worse, both. Plus, we might offend the egg.

Anyone want to do like the locals and skinny dip?

On the hunt for toadstools. More fun than hunting for bar stools.

Looks like a promising thicket, keep your eyes peeled.

Toadstools, dead ahead!

The Cahan ladies would like to suggest the trail that leads to the tea and scones.

No dissent from the Cahan gentlemen, to the scones!

Dad, did you bring your skis? Nope, and I didn't pack my courage either. That's a bit taller than it looks on TV.

Easy to smile when you're not hurtling down that thing as a human airfoil.

Farewell trolls and Vikings, bonjour City of Light!

Trolls World Tour Part 2: The Bergens Are Coming!

2024-10-27T02:51:00.001+13:00

Hang on, aren't you supposed to be bankrupt? They must be... wait for it... trolling us!

Bergen? Uhm ok, I thought so but let me double check my boarding pass.

Do we have our first troll sighting?

Looks a bit like Wellington? Give it five minutes and the next rain deluge and gale will confirm your suspicion.

So let me get this straight, the Bergens are the bad guys and the trolls are good?

Prime trolling territory. No not X (formerly known as Twitter).

If trolls didn't build that I don't know who did!

Found them!

And another one! Don't you mean another three?

One of the great things about travel is how you get to sample the local produce, in this case line-caught fish from deep in the icy waters of the pristine fjords that surround the city.

Get your Viking on, it's time to set sail for the far reaches of the fjords.

Apparently you have to earn the horns for your helmet with epic feats of immense courage. Does carrying two hot coffees up to the deck count? Hey, it was a bit wavy you know?

Dad, is this where the Fillet-O-Fish came from? Uhm yeah, let's go with that.

Looks kind of Troll-y to me. Elon, are you home? Hello?

Confirming the official dimensions of a troll house.

All the way from South Fjord to North Fjord!

The crown jewels are well guarded!

Actually, they're not well guarded at all, it seems anyone can wander over the drawbridge.

Lucky Princess Elsa wasn't modelled off the real thing.

A condo with a dock on the fjord, now that's living.

See, Bergens and Trolls can get along.

Trolls World Tour Part 1: Muggles on the Move

2024-10-27T02:22:00.000+13:00

TSA ahead, you're not supposed to look so happy.

Hang on, since when did the Hogwarts Express have lie flats? No wonder tuition is out of control.

Keep filling out those Chore Charts and in a couple of centuries you'll have something to put in there.

Excuse me, Sir, Madam, only customers with a positive bank balance are allowed to be so pleased with themselves.

They don't make them like they used to, kids. Ok, fine, I'll keep an open mind on Neom.

Now Piper, make sure you watch out for those Finance Bros, they're trouble. You'll identify them through their green and blue diamond-quilt cardigans and often find them lurking at the sushi counter. Don't go anywhere near them.

Good news, Ryan's out. Now we won't need two orders of the lamb chops.

There goes another one. Why I guess that means another spare lamb chop? Don't mind if I do.

Massey Old Boys. And Girls. The old part is real even if the degree isn't.

Rallying from the jet lag for... the same cartoons we could have watched at home.

Now that is a tradition worthy of an Empire.

My good Sir and Madam, shall we expect the pleasure of your company at the fox hunt this fine noon hour?

Nope, turns out it's a sugar hunt instead. Willy Wonka High Tea here we come!

Hang on, aren't Oompa Loompas cancelled?

That's no wand, it's a... light pole?

Don't worry, he's probably on strike like all the other actors.

Learn this spell and you too shall... go to Brown after Hogwarts?

Any of the goblets full of a fine red?

Dad, do we get TVs at our seats again?

Cheers to butterbeer. There must be some spell in it that keeps Dad from turning red. Funny that.

Decka decka decka.

Look a former council estate on a land lease in Zone 2. Must be going for at least 2.5 million Sterling.

If you see any bad guys ask yourself, what would Dr. Jones do?

Another bank vault. Was the magic money spell the original crypto?

Don't get fooled, why waste your time with all that shiny stuff when there's the Nasdaq?

The greatest spell of all, the one that makes the kids magically disappear into their beds.

Room serviaticus!

Tally ho! Scamble all fighters to the Imperial War Museum. After a mid-flight refueling of course.

The original bunker buster.

Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed to so few. Lest we forget.

Jolly good my old London chap, always delivers.

Spin City

2024-04-01T09:51:00.000+13:00

Dad, is the Easter Bunny gambling away all our eggs? Yep, those gold Lindt bunnies get him straight into the High Roller lounge.

Even the eggs are just a little bit naughty in Sin City. Keep it in the shell!

They say the house always wins. Not true.

Doesn't look much like the F1 Dad? Is Verstappen driving for Uber?

The Arte Museum. The E stands for... electricity? Every installation is a giant, immersive screen. Did someone flatten The Sphere?

Good place to hide some Easter eggs.

Forget Marquee, the hottest spot on The Strip these days is the room where you can color in animals and then watch them appear on the big screen.

Well that saves us from a trip to Lapland. Next stop, Paris up the road.

Just like everything in Vegas, the floral notes infusing your tea appear to be an illusion.

We flew six hours to eat at the restaurant that's six minutes from our apartment?

Vanderpump Rules, or something that involves influencers and reality TV.

Now there's a slot machine I'm happy to put coins in all day.

Thanks to wonderful friends, a slice of Vegas life off Strip.

Finally, a Vegas bar that's not 21-plus.

The Claw. An entire arcade of claw machines. Unlike the rest of Vegas, you can actually win. If you call dragging an entire suitcase of new stuffies back to New York winning,

When in Vegas go big or go home.

Just What the D.R. Ordered, Again

2024-03-29T15:27:00.001+13:00

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will. Or rather, you'll consumer it, in unlimited quantities. It being the once-maligned All Inclusive. It's amazing what two kids and eight years will do to your pride. And your wallet. So here we are again, less than 18 months after the flight of shame to J00ster Journal's first All Inclusive, doing it all over again.

Get ready for unlimited everything kiddos. If you come back wearing the same size shorts you've failed the mission.

You know, for all the hype the dusty road less traveled gets, there's something to be said for the immaculately landscaped road frequently traveled.

Presidente Light. Proud owner of stake in Truthe Social.

Macro. Polo. Marco. Polo. Marco... hang on, I'm triggered, Marco Polo was a Colonizer-Oppressor!

I'm a foreign policy expert; I can see Haiti from my balcony.

Need something to pass the time between buffet runs? Try the on-site water park.

Not exactly potato famine weather, is it?

Aren't you a little tall for a leprechaun? Never mind, you can pinch me whenever you want.

Every night is movie night in paradise. Unlimited popcorn to go with unlimited screen time. Beat that.

Actually I just did, by throwing in unlimited sodas.

When you cross that magic line between the Adults Only side of the resort and the Family side you can't help but notice the pools are a little bluer, the palm trees a little fluffier, the drinks a little stronger, the parents a little happier. Ok a lot.

Cheers to unlimited cheers.

Back to reality on the Family side. Which means Trolls for the eighth time.

Set course for... uhm the shallows off the resort so I can get back on their wifi?

Mermaid off the port bow!

Remember, if the pirates try to board us, don't all walk the plank at once, no matter how Instagram-worthy the turquoise water is.

Ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of... light grog.

Good news, no major bridges in sight.

You can never have too much paradise. That's why you're at an All Inclusive.

One more popsicle for the road. Ok fine, two more.

Wishes Do Come True Part 3: All -You-Can-Eat Arendelle

2024-03-05T16:25:00.000+13:00

Once you've accepted you won't set foot in the mythical adults only land at the stern of the ship it's time to put on a brave face and head to Arendelle.

It's time to build a snowm... I mean eat a snow cone.

Let it goooooo! Order the sundae Daddy. The weight never bothered you anyway!

Remember, the force will be with you. Always. Wait, what?

Did you know we have frozen chicken fingers in Arendelle too? See I forget to wear my gloves to the farmers market.

Four days on a floating Disneyland. That must be what those Gemini astronauts felt like in their little capsule.

Elon said make it bigger.

Someone ask the payload specialist on the right if he packed the wet wipes. Nasty space germs up there I hear.

Nice, Kennedy Space Center has finally moved out of the... well... Kennedy era.

Mission control, good news, the Starlink satellite has been deployed in time to stream the Superbowl.

Activating hardcore mode.

The SpaceX rocket on display has actually flown in space. Multiple times. The Boeing capsule? They're still working on the door plug.

That's one small step for man, because women told him to get his butt off the couch already.

Yes I know it's a bit stubby kids, but this was before Elon decided that rockets need to have social media accounts.

Tampa Bay, once a muddy backwater, now Meatpacking on the Bay. Thank you Tom Brady!

Apparently the most Instagrammed steps in Florida. That's one curvy step for mankind.

Influencing. It's all about knowing the right angles.

How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You don't, they both look the same from the inside.

Public transportation in Florida? What next, state taxes?

If Tweets are Xs now, what are Os?

So you're telling me if I don't pay taxes I can enjoy all this? That seems like a bit of an arbitrage, no?

And no congestion charge either?

What's the catch again?

You were correct Master Kenobi, the dispute does boil down to taxes.

What brought me down south? Well, the weather for starters. And if I'm honest, the taxes. And oh yeah, all those retirees are easy pickings.

Vitruvian Boy.

You seriously didn't get enough Frozen stuck on that boat for four days?!

Wishes Do Come True Part 2: Land Ho

2024-03-05T15:24:00.000+13:00

Well here's a traffic jam to rival the waffle station at the breakfast buffet.

Mickey and Minnie who? Not ringing a bell for the Frozen generation.

Is there anything better than rolling up to the Cruise Ship valet in a bigger, shinier boat? You call that a verandah cabin? Sorry Carnival Sunshine, there ain't no Fairy Godmother gonna turn you into a sparkling Disney liner. Maybe a Ferry Godmother, muahahaha.

So, were Pym Particles like the original Ozempic or something?

Hey, it's your friendly neighborhood Influencer!

Now that housekeeper has earned her tip.

Remember, tangled hair is empowering.

Disney's Castaway Cay, basically what generative AI would come up with if you asked it to imagine a stereotypical tropical island.

Captain Bob Iger? Someone call Nelson Peltz!

When your boat is bigger than the island you know mankind is winning.

How long did it take the digital animators to get the right shade of turquoise for the water?

Belle or Elsa? Or Kristoff, now that DeSantis has gone down in flames.

Remember, if a multi-tentacled sea-witch asks you to give up your voice you should take that deal, your parents need some quiet time.

Probably won't look this relaxed again until Frozen III is hitting the theaters.

Captain, you're needed on the buffet deck.

A princess makeover? Sure, go ahead, I've hedged myself with a long position in DIS stock.

The countdown begins! Only 7 hours until the breakfast buffet opens!

2024 already? That's 19 years since this blog started. Blackberries were a thing back then. So only a few years removed from writing the first post with hieroglyphics.

Beauty, beauty, beauty and the Beast.

How far I'll go... to spend all my money at Disney.

Cinderella, did your mean sisters cyberbully you too?

Someone put Elon Musk on my coffee, cool.

So you're telling me "I have the death sentence on 12 systems" actually works as a pick-up line?

These wretched hives of scum and villainy look pretty cool on the ol' Instagram.

Lock S-foils in drinking position!

That's no moon, it's a... well actually it is a moon. False alarm.

Wishes Do Come True Part 1: The Big Blue Boat

2024-02-18T11:22:00.004+13:00

Good to see your Happiest Place on Earth smiles, because Newark Liberty International Airport at 6am usually isn't that.

Please tell me watching TV for three hours isn't going to be the highlight of your trip.

So let me tell you kids, before they added the Plus this was like, cutting edge.

It's only a lazy river if you let mom and dad sit around and read their phones.

Orange is the New Relax.

The Four Seasons knows service. The artisanal organic real fruit ice pop is presented to madame on a silver platter.

Poolside smores, now that's a first. It also means it's bloody freezing.

It's kind of cold. Must be why they don't believe in global warming in Florida.

The problem with the TikTok generation is no one actually knows who Minnie is. Dad, why is a big mouse lady blocking my path to the buffet?

What is this, Puglia or something?

From the corners of the world the crew assembled on the eve of the epic voyage. A voyage to far off lands, where adventure and alcohol await.

The Disney Wish, the newest, biggest ship in the fleet. You've come a long way since the Big Red Boat dad, she'd barely qualify as a lifeboat on this beast.

Welcome to the Happiest Place on International Waters. Ok, technically that's the adults only pool.

Hello Princess, are you included in the pre-paid gratuities?

So they let you operate the Death Star in the kids club? Doesn't that make you a Colonizer-Oppressor?

Is it makeover time yet?

Remember, no TV until we're over the Bermuda Triangle.

Remember, when they bang on the door at 2am and smoke is filling the hall, it's not a drill. Get yourself to the muster station and Ryan, do not stop at the buffet!

Are they those Platinum Diamond Titanium Neodymium Castaway Club members who get first dibs on the Princess Suite?

These aren't the kids you're looking for. No wait, they are! Please come back and take them to the kids club. Please?

That's no moon. It's a space station!

Lock up the princesses, the boys are off duty. You'll find them nerd herding in the Hyperspace Lounge.

Make a wish. And assume it's not included in the pre-pay package.

Poolia Part 6: Peak Poolia

2024-02-18T10:52:00.001+13:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, please raise your espressos, you have officially achieved peak Poolia: an infinity pool overlooking your villa's lemon orchard whilst the staff lay out the breakfast spread on the patio. It's all downhill from here team, an old town beckons.

Wait what? No old town? A hip beach club on the Adriatic instead? Things are looking up.

We'll call that the Aperol glow.

The inevitable has been delayed as long as humanly possible. To the old town!

We seem to have arrived by the peasant entrance.

Those Italian drivers!

A drive thru zoo? Was I supposed to bring an F-150 with double Big Gulp holders or something?

Dad, did you really name me after a budget airline? What was wrong with Polaris Lexington Cahan?

The Man. The Legend. The Seats That Don't Turn Into Beds.

If you're going to enjoy divine flavors this food hall seems like a plausible place.

London's new Coal Yards district behind Kings Cross Station. Look what you started Williamsburg.

Careful, that hipster French fusion place over there serves escargot.

It's amazing what a new town will do for you after a week schlepping through old ones.

Dad, it's not too late to change my name.

Poolia Part 5: Trulli Poolli

2024-02-18T10:34:00.001+13:00

Well it's not going to get any better than that, so shall we just call it here?

Good news kids, the bell is tolling the end of Old Town Time for today.

Bad news kids, those little round pointy huts down there are called trulli, and they're pointing the way to... the next old town! Can I get a hip hip hooray?

I assume this is the Hashtag Lane I've been looking for?

A personal grotto pool in the basement of the villa? With a personal wifi signal? Now that is the southern hospitality Puglia is famous for. Let's hear it for Poolia!

Ok, technically it's an old town, but you gotta admit this isn't your run-of-the-pasta-mill old street.

Truely trulli.

Excuse me ChatGPT, what's the plural of trulli? Trullii?

It looks good on the gram but gosh it's hot work.

If you zoom in, you can remember what life was like before you dragged two kids through eight old towns in four days.

Old Town by the Sea. Come on, that's a new one.

I know you're the master grotto diver, but I think we'll leave this one to the TikTok generation.

Talk about a table with a view.

There's that miraculous filter again, guaranteed to make you look ten years younger and kid free. It comes in bright orange and may or may not have Aperol for a base.

Oh, there they are. Hi darlings, can you at least pretend to enjoy your ludicrously priced chicken fingers? No? Ok, at least for the photo?

I like my entree with a touch of sea salt.

Poolia Part 4: Anyone Up for an Old Town?

2024-02-18T10:10:00.003+13:00

Apparently the kids don't want to spend their whole vacation trudging through the stifling heat to see yet another indistinguishable old town. Luckily you only have to read about it in airconditioned comfort.

Even the gelato is struggling in the heat. You'd think they would have figured that out by now, no?

Dad, this street looks the same as all the other streets. Son, that gelato looked that same as all the other ones but that didn't stop you scarfing it down, did it?

Just in case you didn't get enough old town down there at street level, how about a bird's eye view? Before Google Maps this was the only way to zoom out.

For some reason they don't do iced coffee in Italy. Probably because keeping the ice frozen would cost them half their GDP. Oh well, when south of Rome...

No one does beach clubs like the Europeans. A chair, a brolly, and an espresso, all for 20 Euros? Yes please.

Sir, Madam, my sincere apologies but might I trouble you to remind me which yacht you came in on again?

Wait, they do have ice. Clearly they just save it for the important stuff.

Why have a dining room when you can have an overwater dining platform?

The approach to the legendary Grotta della Poesia, the Cave of Poetry. I assume it must be legendary because I saw it on Instagram.

You jumped into that? You're braver than I thought.

The problem with kids is when they take the plunge you're kind of on the spot.

That man earned his high fructose corn syrup.

Worked up an appetite plunging 20 feet into a hidden grotto.

Ok, ok, I'll admit it, it's another old town. But come on kids, this one is on a hill! That's gotta count for something, right?

Tell you what, I'll cut you a deal, no walking in exchange for another old town? We got ourselves a deal? No? Ok, I'll throw in a gelato, but don't push me.

Ciao bella!

Cahan Compound 2. Because that's how we roll. With strong wifi and stronger espresso.

Poolia Part 3: OK Blogger

2024-02-08T14:53:00.005+13:00

Aperol spritz, the official adult beverage of those too old to be on TikTok. #okblogger.

Just when you thought Matera couldn't get any more James Bond, there's the Palombaro Lungo, an ancient cistern lurking deep underneath the city. The kind of place a supervillain perfects his brooding glare while prepping his Armageddon device.

There's only one way to take a spin around Matera. If you're lacking in an Aston Martin that is.

Actually, these tuk-tuk drivers give the ol' Aston Martin a run for her money.

Moving on up the coast, the next stop is a classic Italian villa, or rather villas. They don't make family compounds like they used to.

It's not a true villa if it doesn't come with a chef. Just like it's not a true villain unless it comes with a plot exposition monologue.

Ciao bambino.

Puglia is known for its hearty, rustic fare. Ryan is known for his hearty, rustic appetite.

The port town of Otranto is just the kind of place a seafarer might cobble together a consortium of investors for an expedition to the New World, seeking fame, fortune, and influencer deals.

Uhm, next time you write a check for the angel round you might want to make sure the founder isn't going to blow it all on a leather-trimmed luxury powerboat.

If you're both influencing, who exactly is driving this thing?

Not him.

Forget the New World, the Old World will do nicely thank you very much.

Why hello there, could you be any more Italian?

No wonder he's lurking around the cove in his speedos.

A toast to a voyage well sailed.

Ice... cream dead ahead!

No, no, this is Italy, with an I, not an Ea. If you want pasta, get to kneading.

Ah hah, turns out the voyage to the New World wasn't totally in vain, for treasures were plundered.

This is what DALL-E would come up with if you put in: The magic of an endless childhood summer on the southern tip of Italia.

Poolia Part 2: No Time to Cry

2024-02-03T12:13:00.001+13:00

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is... wait, wrong spy movie.

The hilltop town of Matera was, until it featured on this blog, most famous for starring in the opening scene of "No Time to Die." You know the one, where Daniel Craig in his final outing as Bond tears down the ancient cobblestone roads in a classic DB5 Aston Martin.

You'd drive like that too if you saw who was incoming.

I like my freshly squeezed orange juice shaken, not stirred.

Puglia, the region that make up the heel of Italy's boot, is known for its simple, rustic fare. Ryan is known for eating simple, rustic fare.

Once the day-tripper tour buses have rolled out the town magically reverts back to centuries past. A quiet square, cheery light spilling out of the welcoming door of a trattoria, a friendly stray cat purring at the fountain.

Not a bad place to celebrate 41 trips around the sun. Come on United, that's gotta be worth at least Premier Gold?

Peak heat. Which means while the sensible locals seek refuge in their nifty cave houses the tourists come out to drag their whining kids to the nearest gelato shop.

Dad, you said gelato not photos.

The whole town was originally a collection of intricate cave dwellings, carved right into the cliffs. A family and their livestock would live in one cave. Dad, what's the monthly maintenance expense on this classic pre-war studio? I see some potential, who doesn't want a cave house for TikTok?

The most important question: can you get wifi in caves?

It's like Coruscant son, they build the newer layers on top of the old ones.

Aren't you a little small for an influencer?

When you see a sign that's in Italian and Google loosely translates it as "only a complete and utter idiot who cares more about their Instragram than their life would attempt this hike in the middle of the day" what do you do?

Is that even a question?

If you want to get the likes you gotta do the hikes? Oh fine, who are we kidding, you just have to pose provocatively in skimpy athleisurewear.

Earned his siesta and coke the hard way. Actually, escaping the kids for an hour in the blazing heat counts as the easy way.

Ana de Armas sighting?

When one of those bells rings I assume it's pizza time?

Happy birthday to me. Oh and that other guy too.