Sarita Olson, LCSW-C, Team Manager, Service Coordination, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore

College students who are graduating and transitioning into the work world find this is an exciting yet apprehensive time.  Your financial picture will most likely change once you graduate — depending on your financial obligations and individual situation.  “A Generation Hobbled by the Soaring Cost of College,” (New York Times, May 12) noted that 94% of students who earn a bachelor’s degree today borrow to pay for higher education – up from 45% in 1993…. The average debt in 2011 was $23,300 … and “nearly one in 10 borrowers who started repayment in 2009 defaulted within two years.”  If you are a college student in your twenties, figuring out how to pay off your loans, while also meeting your living expenses, can be overwhelming.   The financial effects of decisions made now will last into your thirties and forties.

Here are some pitfalls to avoid:

1. Be realistic in the kind of lifestyle you can afford vs. what you would like.  For example, is a trip to Cancun in your budget?

 

2. Be aware of credit card companies who send you extra rewards and businesses that promise a discount off your purchase if you open an account.  Finance charges and fees can be up to triple for what you paid for that $50.00 pair of jeans, especially if the amount is not paid in full by the end of the month. Remember the old adage: “A penny saved is a penny earned.”

 

3. Be realistic about your earning potential. Teachers and social workers usually start off in a lower salary range than other professions such as high tech or computer jobs.  However, don’t be dismayed.  Good planning should happen regardless of what you are going to earn.

 

Here are some helpful tips:

• Meet with your college’s financial advisor before you graduate to discuss a plan for paying off your loans.  You can also consult a financial advisor at your bank.
• Devise your personal financial profile.  Where do you want to be in 3 months, 6 months, a year, etc.?
• If you plan to pursue further education, research opportunities for paid internships and companies which provide tuition reimbursement for related coursework.
• Your checking accounting is your friend.  Take care of it and avoid overdraft fees and unnecessary charges.  Review your statement monthly online.
• Think about ways to share expenses such as rent, food, and utilities with others. Your  bills will go down significantly.
• When looking to buy a car, consider buying a used car, carpooling, or taking public transportation.
• Look for end of season sales, yard sales, and consignment shops for household items and clothing.
• Always research the best deals for phones, internet access, etc. You could “save a bundle.”

These tips will hopefully get you started on the right track to better financial success!  Remember to be proud of your accomplishments and know you’ve made it this far.  Learning how to manage your money is another step in your personal life plan.  The planning and rewards will pay off in the long run.

By Sarita Olson, LCSW-C, Team Manager, Service Coordination, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.

Liz Schoen, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Howard County Office

We baby boomers are aging.  You may have noticed:  our vision changes, our middles thicken, our faces sag, sleep becomes elusive, joints stiffen, hair thins.  We have hot flashes or we are cold all the time.  We gain weight no matter what.  The list goes on and on.

We are at a time in our lives when our self-image and identity may be shifting as our bodies and our roles in life begin to change.

Children grow up and leave to start their own lives.  We may be caring for our parents or may have become middle-aged orphans.  We become grandmothers, caregivers, widowed or divorced.

As we begin to redefine who we are inside, it can be natural to scrutinize our outer appearance, too, and fixate on the changes and signs of aging.

Every day we face ourselves in the mirror.  Many of us wish we had a different shape or size, a younger complexion, fewer wrinkles, more firmness here, less fat there.  Can we even remember when we last wore a bathing suit in public?  We may struggle to find clothes that fit and that are flattering or stylish.  We try to look more like some ideal image that doesn’t really exist.  It’s hard not to think this way when the media bombard us with pictures (sometimes doctored) of glamorous, young and thin models and celebrities. 

How do we value ourselves?  How do we face the challenges to feel good about ourselves as we age in a culture that puts so much value on youthfulness and how women look?

We know the advice and many of us try hard to follow it. Eat healthy food, exercise regularly, learn to meditate, spend time with friends, do something that you find meaningful and purposeful, pursue a hobby, stimulate your brain, practice gratitude.

There are role models for embracing this time in our lives.   Who are the strong, capable women in public life whom you admire because they are making the world a better place?  Look around: what about our own mothers and grandmothers, teachers and older mentors?

But perhaps the most important thing we can do about our body image is, finally, after so many years of resisting it, to accept ourselves as we are and as we change.  Our wrinkles, jowls, thick waistlines, grey hair are testaments to the lives we’ve lived, the babies we bore, the worries we carried, the million problems we solved, the meals we cooked, the love we gave and the selflessness with which we gave it.

By Lizbeth Schoen, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services in Howard County

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.

May is National Mental Health Month.  Did you know that a quarter of the adult population and one out of 8 children struggles with anxiety?

Ilene Federman, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Remember how it felt speaking in front of a large group, interviewing for a job or handing over the car keys to your 16 year old driver?  These are all examples of normal anxiety.  Anxiety is a part of everyday life and we all experience it.   It’s a biological reaction — the body’s way of telling us that something isn’t right.  Anxiety keeps us out of harm’s way and prepares us to take action in the face of danger.  But, if your sense of apprehension and worry becomes overwhelming and persistent, or if it interferes with your regular activities, making it impossible to function, it could mean you’ve moved beyond typical everyday stress responses and have developed an anxiety disorder.

If that is the case, rest assured that you are not alone.  Anxiety disorders are among the most common mental health issues. One in four adults is affected at some point in their life.  And did you know that anxiety disorders tend to run in families and have a biological basis, similar to allergies or diabetes?  It’s also true that anxiety disorder symptoms tend to surface in times of physical or emotional stress, and can be triggered by personal and life events.

There are different types of anxiety disorders including:

• Panic/Agoraphobia:  repeated anxiety attacks that occur without any trigger, a fight or flight response where a person fears dying, going crazy or losing control
• Social Anxiety: excessive fear in social or performance situations;  a fear of humiliation
• Obsessive-compulsive:  unwanted thoughts, impulses or images and/or engaging in repetitive mental and behavioral acts
• Post-Traumatic Stress:  re-experiencing  a traumatic event and developing  a sense of victimization, defilement, loss of illusions, stuck memories
• Generalized anxiety: chronic and uncontrollable worry persistent in all kinds of situations
• Specific Phobia: excessive fear of a particular object or situation that may include avoidance of it

The good news is that most people with anxiety disorders can be helped by professional treatment, which may include medication, therapy or a combination of the two.  It is really important to seek help.  A mental health professional will help you understand and manage your anxiety so that you can regain your emotional and physical health and well-being.

One troubling part of anxiety disorders is that they significantly impact not only the individual affected, but also those close to him or her – especially family members.  They may struggle with understanding their loved one’s behavior and how it is affecting their relationships and functioning.   Family and friends are concerned, but often don’t know how to help.

If you are living with a loved one or know someone struggling with an anxiety disorder, here are some things you can do.

• Urge your loved one to seek therapeutic treatment.
• Remember that the person with an anxiety disorder is the authority on how he or she feels.
• Avoid discussing the troubling issue with your loved one.  Anything you suggest only increases the anxiety because the disorder blocks normal problem solving.
• Stay positive.  Don’t tell the person how he or she should behave, and don’t criticize the person for not being able to overcome the anxiety.  Remember that setbacks are part of the recovery process.
• Take care of your own feelings by getting help if you need it.  

Support and encouragement can help a person with an anxiety disorder to acknowledge the problem, reach out to a professional and begin treatment.  This is a process that takes time; it’s important to be realistic and to maintain hope.

Jewish Community Services qualified mental health professionals have expertise in diagnosing and treating anxiety disorders.  For more resources, visit the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA) website http://www.adaa.org or  http://www.anxietyandstress.com.   To learn about Anxiety in Children, click here to read a blog by Myra Strassler, LCSW-C,  JCS Therapy Services.

By Ilene Federman, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

By Karen Schloss, Volunteer Coordinator

Karen Schloss, Volunteer Coordinator, Big Brother Big Sister Matches, Volunteer Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore

National Volunteer Week (April 15 – 21) is a great opportunity to recognize the people of all ages who generously give their time, compassion and commitment to help others in their communities.  This week was established to focus attention on the power of people to create positive change.  Here in Baltimore, over 320 Jewish Community Services volunteers are devoting their energy and skills in a wide variety of roles.  In their own words, here’s what they’re sharing about their volunteer experiences:

Big Brother Stephen Turett: “I wanted to do something I thought might make a difference in a young person’s life — and have fun doing it.  I needed something that required no special expertise or particular skill, where I could make a contribution of time and be able to share experiences, provide advice and encouragement, serve as a sounding board and be a role model.  Becoming a Big Brother has been a perfect fit.  How often do you get the opportunity to influence a life or help craft a spirit?  It’s incredibly fulfilling to contribute to the personal growth and development of a young person and watch him mature into a more responsible and thoughtful individual.”

Mitzvah Mobility Scheduler Gigi Bormel: “After retiring, I knew that I wanted to volunteer at JCS because they had helped a member of my family.  Schedulers review and organize the 100+ Mitzvah Mobility requests emailed monthly to the Volunteer mailbox by JCS social workers and service coordinators for transportation of clients to important appointments.  I call many of our 49 Mitzvah Mobility volunteer drivers to schedule the 25-35 escorted drives of clients to hospitals and medical offices that they complete weekly.  I love the people I work with; JCS is like a second home to me.  It makes me feel good to realize that JCS clients stay independent with Mitzvah Mobility services.”

Tutor Lloyd Mailman:   “A Jewish Legal Services volunteer and a retired attorney, I am enjoying my first teaching experiences as a JCS Career Services tutor.  Whether it is encouraging conversation with a former Israeli paratrooper, or helping a Ukrainian born student learn that she can gain accreditation based on her early education, I am learning from the students’ life experiences.  The fact that they have made progress with their English skills encourages me to continue my tutoring efforts.”

Friendly Visitor David M. Slotnick:  “I heard about JCS from Rabbi Azriel, assistant Rabbi to the late Rabbi Murray Saltzman of Baltimore Hebrew Congregation.  Rabbi Azriel guided me to Jewish Family Services, an organization I was already familiar with.  As proprietor of Chez Chocolate, I had made several candy donations during the holidays to JFS.  However, after I sold the business, I found that I had a good amount of free time and decided to volunteer as a Friendly Visitor for JFS and then continuing with JCS.  My first assignment was to an elderly man with dementia.  My second connection has stretched over a twenty-five year period.   This client and I have spent the last twenty-two years going out for dinner at Miller’s Delicatessen, and then on to Friday night services at Baltimore Hebrew Congregation.  I feel I have given him back his Jewish identity, and with it given him a reason to improve his self esteem.”

Centerpieces for Tzedakah and Shopper Volunteer Shirley Braverman: “I used to accompany a dear friend to JCS while she helped in the Business office.   I started to inquire about other available volunteer activities.  I helped an elderly gentleman client with grocery shopping.  He couldn’t speak English and my Yiddish left much to be desired, but we managed to get through to each other.  I looked forward to our weekly meetings.  I think I got more out of it—he is such a brilliant man.  I no longer see him on a regular basis, but speak to him through his daughter and get together occasionally for lunch.  I began helping with Centerpieces for Tzedakah, which JCS rents out for special occasions, with the proceeds supporting the Jewish Community Food Fund.  Now I look forward to creating centerpieces with a lovely group of women, so it is both social and gratifying to see the finished products.”

This year, JCS volunteers provided approximately 12,000 hours valued at $275,000.  Our volunteers’ reasons for becoming involved may vary, but their dedication and care provide huge rewards, both for themselves and for many members of our community whom they help.

Right now, JCS especially needs Big Brothers and Big Sisters to mentor Jewish children and Special Connections volunteers to socialize with adults in our community who have special needs.  If you would like to learn more about these volunteer opportunities and others, please call 410-466-9200 or visit www.jcsbaltimore.org/volunteer.

For tips about how to find the volunteer activity that is right for you, click here to read “Reaping the Rewards of Volunteering,” a blog by Katie Cohen, Outreach Coordinator, JCS Volunteer Services.

By Karen Schloss, Volunteer Coordinator, Big Brother Big Sister Matches, Volunteer Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.

Helene Cooper, LCSW-C, Jewish Community Services Therapy Services

Words have power.  They represent the way our minds and hearts process our past and present experience of the world, and impact how we will feel about our lives in the future.  When we are whole and feeling connected to those we love, and when we feel at peace and in harmony with our place in the world and with ourselves, the words in our minds are positive.  These positive words then feed and strengthen our hopes and dreams, our gratitude, our prayers and our love.  When we are sad, lonely, overwhelmed by stress and worry, or grieving our losses, the words in our minds can increase our pain and suffering as we tell ourselves that we are miserable, alone, and lost.  When we find ourselves in that dark place, it can be very difficult to stop the cycle of negative thinking and negative self-talk.

If you recognize that you are a person who is trapped in that cycle, that awareness may already have led you to seek help.  There are many paths to healing a troubled mind.  The word “therapy” comes from the Greek word “therapeia,” which represents the concept of healing through the expressive arts.  The word “psychology” breaks down as “psyche” or soul, and “logos” or words.  The goal of talk therapy is to use communication and relationship to build self-knowledge and self-awareness, strengthening our ability to navigate difficult times.  Poetry can also be a tool for healing through words, strengthening our relationship to ourselves through our connection and understanding of the meaning of the poem.

A poem can open a window in your heart and mind, letting in light and fresh air, and the awareness that you are not alone.  A poem can also help you recognize that others have felt what you are feeling.  The poet is able to express in words those universal experiences of pain, loss, and suffering, as well as evoke the joy and beauty that is around us every day.  Reading poetry can soothe and inspire, reminding us that language is a powerful tool that can help us find meaning on our challenging path through life.  Poetry can resonate with what we already believe, or it can challenge us to open to other ways of looking at life and our experience of it.

I offer you an excerpt from a poem written by one of the many poets who have soothed and inspired me.

From Derek Walcott, “Love After Love”

The time will come

When, with elation,

You will greet yourself arriving

At your own door, in your own mirror,

And each will smile at the other’s welcome,

And say, sit here, Eat.

This poem speaks to self-acceptance and self-knowledge, and represents how words can offer healing.  When you find yourself stuck, revisiting negative experiences and worrying about what will happen next, I hope you will consider picking up a book of poetry.  A poem just might help you get a fresh perspective, or maybe inspire you to write your own poem, understanding that words have power.

By Helene Cooper, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.

Jacqueline Kreinik, R.N., M.S., CMC, Manager, Elder Care Services

With so many people living longer today, most of us eventually are going to be taking care of an aging relative, whether it’s a parent, spouse or other family member — if we aren’t already doing so.  No matter how good our relationships with our loved ones may be, the responsibilities and stresses of caregiving can feel overwhelming, and they’re intensified when we feel we have to handle things alone.

Caregivers say they are most concerned about:

• Safety: Will Dad fall?  What if Mom can’t climb the stairs in her house any longer? Will she forget to turn off the tea kettle or oven?  Should my spouse still be driving?
• Medication: Who will reliably fill prescriptions?  Is Dad managing his medications and taking them on time?
• Navigating the health care system: Who can keep track of so many doctors’ appointments, forms to fill out, and differing advice? How do you get to the person you need to speak to?
• Isolation: If Mom can’t drive any longer, how will she get to important  appointments and see her friends?
• Finding resources: What alternative housing arrangements are available?  When is it time to move to a facility that provides support services? How to find a reliable companion or home health care service?

The good news is that you don’t have to deal with these challenges alone.  There are resources to help families.  One of the best is Elder Care (or Senior Care) Management.  Many people aren’t familiar with this comprehensive service.  Simply put, Elder Care Management supports older individuals in their desire to continue living in their own homes or in other settings (assisted living facilities, CCRC’s, or skilled nursing homes) with maximum independence and dignity.

A certified Elder Care Manager can become a caregiver’s best friend!  When families first contact an Elder Care Manager (ECM), they learn that this professional, who is also a licensed nurse and social worker with expertise in aging, can visit their elder’s home to assess safety factors, as well as their loved one’s current physical, emotional, cognitive and social health. The ECM can then make recommendations and design a personalized plan of care.

With a wealth of expertise, knowledge and connections, an ECM can cut through red tape, navigate the health care system, coordinate medical care, and get results, saving you time and many headaches.  The ECM advocates for your older relative and collaborates with the family, almost like becoming part of a team.  The ECM can gather information and resources, and help you make informed decisions that are right for your family.

A good Elder Care Manager is someone to lean on, someone who is always there for you.  By taking many responsibilities and dilemmas off your shoulders and by helping you plan for the future, the ECM allows you to focus on your relationship with your loved one and ensure him or her the best quality of life.

If you are a caregiver who would like some support, we invite you to call an Elder Care specialist and learn more about how Elder Care Management can help you.  For more information, call Jewish Community Services, 410-466-9200.

By Jacqueline Kreinik, R.N., M.S., CMC, Manager, Elder Care Services, and Gail Lipsitz, MAT, Coordinator, Public Relations, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.

Daniel Hecht

Sometimes I hear people talking about disabilities as something negative.  I have Autism so sometimes I have trouble understanding things I read or what people are saying, and it is also hard for me to understand their emotions.  For me my disability means that I might need help doing things, like the laundry, or cooking, or understanding school work.  But mostly I like to focus on all of the things that I CAN do.

I can go to college at CCBC and take classes in the Single Step program such as Language Arts, Math, Personal Employment and Independent Living.  I can find my way around the campus and buy my lunch or snacks at the cafeteria.  I take the van to school, but last year I took MTA Mobility by myself.  Even though it did not pick me up at my house I would take it from the Owings Mills JCC.  I like my teachers and my friends at CCBC.  I get homework but I am able to complete my assignments.

I can work at Mr. Charles Market.  I have worked there since high school.  I wash the dishes and pans, help with the laundry, cut vegetables, take out the garbage, stock the shelves and other things that my bosses, Chef Aharon and Chef Stu, ask me to do.  They explain the directions so that I can understand and they are patient with me.  I also have a job coach, Tony (from Abilities Network) and he helps me with the dishes and other assignments.

I can go to the movies by myself or with my friends.  I don’t drive but my parents and sister give me rides.  I like to do activities with my new friends from the GILD group.  We have fun going out to dinner, and spending time at people’s houses.

I can work out with my trainer Denny at the Owings Mills JCC.  I have been working out with Denny for several years every Sunday morning.  He has taught me how to use the machines such as the treadmill and rowing machines.  He has taught me how to jump rope, play basketball, throw and catch a Frisbee and lift weights.

I can travel with my family and by myself.  I have travelled to Israel 3 times to visit my sisters and to attend their weddings.  My favorite city is Tel Aviv and I like going to the beach. I have flown on an airplane by myself to visit my sister and brother-in-law in Utah.  They took me camping in Yellowstone National Park which was great.  I hope to go back to Utah to visit them.

I can use the computer, especially Facebook to send messages to my family and friends.  I also like to watch movies and TV shows on Netflix and on the television and the computer.  I also like to play Wii games such as Dance Dance Revolution, Mario Cart, and Movie Trivia.

There are so many things I can do that I don’t let the things I can’t do or need help to do bother or upset me.

By Daniel Hecht

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.

Karen James, LCSW-C, Manager, Adult Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services

Both Myth and Science offer explanations of our world and our experiences in it. In ancient cultures, myths were invented stories created to explain otherwise inexplicable events and occurrences. Humans always want to know why. Listen to any three-year-old —or perhaps to adult conversations where we each explain it all to each other (sometimes called monologues!). We want to know WHY and we want to KNOW why. Sometimes our desire to KNOW leads us to accept beliefs which should be better examined.

Myths and misunderstandings about substance abuse and addiction too often cause harm to those facing such issues—whether one is affected directly by addiction itself, or loving someone who deals with addiction. Their hope for recovery and sobriety can be stolen from them by these biases and prejudices. Certainly many beliefs cut them off from others and leave them isolated and alone in their struggle.

The science of addiction has made great strides in recent years, but have we kept up? What are some of these myths about addiction? What is their harmful impact? What is the rational, scientific “take” on some of these myths?

MYTH:  Addiction is a failure of will-power.

HARM: Addicts may be chastised by themselves or others as weak. They may try to keep using only will-power to recover, but will-power does not work on diseases.

SCIENCE:  Addiction is now understood to have real physiological impact on the brain, actually changing how it operates. Addiction processes take place in a part of the brain that is not under conscious control (the mesolimbic dopamine system).  Recovery demands consistent hard work, and the process of reaching it is worthy of respect.

MYTH:  Addicts are different from us.  They are (choose your pejorative) crazy, low-class, stupid, lazy, even bad people.

HARM: Risky behavior may be tolerated and early addiction signs missed because “that doesn’t happen to people like us.”  Also, believing prejudices or bigotries about oneself or one’s group does not empower a person to change course.

SCIENCE: Addicts may have a genetic predisposition, but they are the same as everyone else. Addicts come from every class, ethnicity, religion, or other category you can describe. Addiction is now understood to be a brain disease. Different effects may be caused by different substances, but the resulting anatomical, electrical and chemical changes within the brain are the same. Molecules and cells actually change with continued use.

The good news? With sustained effort and hard work, they can change back to better functioning brains.

MYTH: People choose to become addicts.

HARM: “How can she be so incredibly selfish?” “How can I ever forgive myself for what I have done?”  “Why does my child hate me so much to cause all this pain?”  Harsh judgments are made about addicts, and this does not encourage recovery.  Hopelessness feeds the disease and causes more pain for families.

SCIENCE: People may choose to experiment with drugs or alcohol. For some, however, there is an invisible line between recreation and addiction. Usually that line is only detectable in hindsight. After it is crossed, substance use is no longer under an individual’s conscious control. The changes in the brain have taken over and deeply affect a person’s decision-making processes. Choice is no longer an operative concept.  Treatment helps people deal with cravings while making the changes in cognition and behavior that re-create the brain and re-establish a life.

MYTH:  Relapses and repeated attempts at rehabilitation show that there is no hope for recovery.

HARM: Stealing hope again — and not accurate.  This myth may cause families and friends to pull away when they are most needed.

SCIENCE: The Big Book from Alcoholics Anonymous is a good source here, calling addiction “a cunning and baffling disease.”  Science would call it a chronic disease with relapse rates similar to those for other chronic illnesses, such as hypertension, diabetes, and asthma.  Relapse can be expected, but so can a return to sobriety. It is more helpful to understand the vulnerabilities and triggers that were part of the relapse, and to use this event as a way to learn more. Different people may need different approaches to fit their issues. Many people go through several rehabilitation programs. The idea is never to give up.

If you or someone close to you is struggling with addiction, think about your assumptions.  If we can sort out the myths from the science, we will create a more supportive emotional and intellectual environment for real recovery.  And we will do no harm.

By Karen James, LCSW-C, Manager, Adult Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.

Lauren Carpenter, Access Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Imagine this scenario: Your son is home from college for the weekend and he says he has something important to tell you. You take him out to lunch, and over the course of the meal, he tells you that he is gay. The moment he tells you, you may be at a loss for words. You love your son, but you may not know what to say.

In this situation, feeling a wide range of emotions, such as surprise, fear, anger, sadness, confusion, or relief, is totally natural, and can even be healthy.  Your culture, religion, political views and family history can add another layer of complicated feelings to the situation. Regardless, if you want to preserve the relationship you have with this person you care about, you will want to work through these emotions so that you can come to a place of acceptance, understanding and compassion.

Here are some things to keep in mind if you are ever in a situation where your child, a relative or a friend tells you that he or she is are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT):

• Remember that your loved one is confiding in you because he or she loves and trusts you, and wants to share this important piece of his/her life with you. Also remember that it has probably taken a lot of courage for this person to be able to talk with you about it.
• Get support from someone who has been there. PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) has a chapter in Baltimore that holds a monthly meeting for parents. By calling their hotline (443-255-1484) you can also speak with a parent of an LGBT child who can provide support and advice. The Baltimore chapter includes Jewish parents who are happy to speak with other Jewish families.
• Educate yourself about what it means to be lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered. PFLAG has a wealth of information on its website. Also look at Keshet, an organization that works for the full inclusion of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender Jews in Jewish life.
• Try not to let labels like “gay” or “homosexual” color how you now see this person. Remind yourself that this is the same person inside, with the same personality, quirks, and strengths she or he had before revealing this new information.
• Remember that you are not alone. According to PFLAG, one in four families has an immediate family member who is LGBT, and most people have at least one LGBT individual in their extended circle of friends and family.
• If it is not possible for you to come to a place of acceptance or understanding, at least try to find a way to maintain a civil and respectful connection with the person. Doing your best to keep the lines of communication open can do a lot for your relationship.
• Consider getting professional help if you are having a hard time coping.  Speaking with a therapist at Jewish Community Services (410-466-9200) is a great way to start processing this new information.

It may take time for you to fully process the news and you might have a lot of questions. That’s ok. Just don’t forget to continue to assure your loved one that you still love and care about him or her. Each person’s experience will be unique, but these suggestions will help guide you on your journey to understanding something new about the person you love.

By Lauren Carpenter, Access Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.

Joseph Honsberger, LCSW-C, Senior Manager, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

How is it that we sometimes feel unheard in our closest relationships?  This is a common complaint of couples.

Communication is extremely important to having a satisfying, intimate, long-term relationship. We often learn that it’s important to tell your partner how you feel or what you think, but we don’t hear as much about how to really listen. Even if we improve our ability to speak directly, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the other person is really listening to what you are saying. Why is that?

How we communicate with those we love is affected by many influences.  For example, our childhood experiences shape our own behavior, whether or not we are aware of it.   Did you ever say, “I sound just like my mother (or my father)”?   Did you hear your parents discussing a problem?  Were they yelling and screaming at each other, or were they calm? Maybe you never even saw them disagreeing about an issue.

Perhaps you have reacted by resolving to avoid yelling when you disagree with your spouse, or never to argue in front of the children.   On the other hand, maybe you’ve chosen to imitate your parents by allowing your children to see that sometimes adults disagree, but they can have a civil discussion about it and come to a resolution.

Gender sometimes plays a role in communication. When working with couples, I often hear the woman saying that she doesn’t feel heard by her husband. And the husband reports that his wife doesn’t listen to his suggestions.  Disconnects sometimes occur because men may focus on solving or fixing a problem, while women tend to want to talk about it and want to know that their partner is listening.

If we are aware of and try to understand each other’s styles of communication, and talk about it, we do not have to stay locked into past patterns.  We can change our mode of communication.

But most importantly, no matter how we communicate, we need to respect our differences and work towards listening to what the other person needs or wants.

If you feel like your partner is not listening when you are talking, it may be helpful to:

• Let him know that you want him to listen and empathize, instead of telling you what he thinks you should do.  If you want suggestions, ask for them.  After all, we can’t expect our partner to be a mind reader.
• Have your partner repeat back in her own words what she heard from you; then you will know if she really understood you.
• What if your partner comes home obviously upset by work but does not want to talk about it right away? Try to put yourself in his shoes and let him have the space he needs.
• Avoid interrupting each other, and wait until your partner has finished talking before you react.  This is a big key to really listening to what someone is saying.

Listening is not always easy, especially when we are angry or stressed.  Even if you follow some of these suggestions, it takes time and practice to become an empathic, attentive listener. These skills can help you and your partner develop a mutual respect that is the basis for meaningful communication, and intimacy.  If you still have been unable to improve your communication and listening skills, it may be time to consult with a therapist or another objective third party to assist you in your quest for a satisfying relationship.

By Joseph Honsberger, LCSW-C, Senior Manager, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.