By Ruth Klein,Ph.D., Director, Mental Health Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Summer breaks, mid-semester vacations, Thanksgiving – these are times when our almost-adult children return to the nest.  Often, the longing for the sweet, delicious child we said goodbye to what seems like oh, so long ago, turns into a longing for them to go back to where they came from!  How and why has college, summer camp, first job etc., kidnapped the child you wanted to pamper, cuddle or just spend time with, leaving a sloppy, unappreciative, self-absorbed stranger in his/her stead?

While your life has continued pretty much undisturbed, the “dance” has changed for your child.  Every family has its own set of patterns and expectations.  When people live together, these patterns, even if not explicitly discussed, are often fairly clear. If dinner is at 6 p.m., you can pretty much expect that you will eat then – or suffer the consequences.  But if Jonny has been grabbing dinner at the cafeteria after his last class – whenever that was – he may not “remember” that dinner is a sit down affair.  This may lead to feelings of rejection on your part, or angry feelings on his when you comment – or insist – on his joining the family for meals.

Information sharing may be another potential landmine.  While Susie may have given you a “blow by blow” description of her day as a high school student, she may now balk at what you think of as friendly interest in her life.  Again, rejection and anger may result.

To add insult to injury, your non-communicative, non-engaged child may expect that you maintain your previously-established role with him/her, bringing home a carful of dirty laundry for you to wash, or assuming that you should be available to talk when s/he wakes up at noon.

So, how do we get our kids back?  We probably don’t.  At least not the models we had before they left.  Life changing experiences such as college or a first job are just that – life changing.   It is a child’s job to separate from the parents.   These mini-separations – and returns — are dress rehearsals for when they actually do leave and begin their own families.

Here are some thoughts that may make the process easier:

1. Understand that your child is a “work in progress” — even if your child doesn’t see it that way.  Try to take a step back and remember that she or he is trying on new roles.  Recognizing that your currently aloof son may eventually open up again may allow you to react less strongly to his behavior now.

 

2. Continue to parent your children – with an understanding that rules and roles may have to be more fluid.  Decide on some minimum standards of behavior, and communicate them clearly.  If you feel that, for your own peace of mind, you need your daughter to call if she will be out past midnight – even if she never came home before dawn at college – let her know that.  Explain your perspective and help her to develop empathy for you as a human being, and not just as a mother or father.

 

3. Breathe.  Try to remember that the vacation is temporary and your life will return to normal eventually!

 

By Ruth Klein, Ph.D., Director, Mental Health Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.

Susan Kurlander, Health Educator, Prevention Education, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

“Summertime. . .and the living is easy” — or so thought my teenage daughter.  She planned to sleep until noon every day and then just hang out with friends during the summer of her junior year of high school.  It was a rude awakening for both of us when I realized I had never set down expectations for what she considered her free time, and she had never dreamt that I would have anything to say about her lack of constructive activity.  We were both remiss in our perspectives.  My sense is that is easy for many parents and their pre-teen and teenage children to fall into the same pattern.

Parents and kids alike need a break from the overscheduled days we have during the school year.  We need to catch our breath and enjoy things we don’t have time to do when we’re busy with so many obligations.  But if our teens don’t have goals to accomplish or activities to participate in, all that free time can lead to risky behaviors and unhealthy habits.  When parents aren’t around, how easy it can become for kids to engage in unrestricted computer use, to have easy access to medications including prescription drugs kept in the home, to indulge in abusing alcohol kept at home, or to watch R rated movies without parental supervision.

So, how do we help our teens find the balance between enjoying their newly found free time and accepting some responsibility to use that time in positive and non-harmful ways?

Communication and trust are key components to making summer a time of growth and appreciation of what we have.  Conversations about expectations need to start before summer arrives, with both parents and teens expressing their thoughts without being judged.  Remember, there can be lots of options for how the summer unfolds as long as it winds up being a time to rejoice, rejuvenate and regroup.

Even if your children attend camp, here are some suggestions for how their free time can be used positively and productively:

• Working at a summer job, even unpaid, can lead to new friendships and learning new skills.
• Volunteering at senior centers, the zoo, animal shelters, soup kitchens, etc. will look good on college resumes and applications.
• Attending a class or two can give students a jump start on deciding about a future college major.
• Planning a future fundraising project for a worthy cause might insure the success of that project.
• Participating in a recreational sport can help to develop the prowess needed to gain a place on the team in the fall.
• Here are some organizations to check out:

American Red Cross (Junior Red Cross) :  Help organize a blood drive or participate in knitting projects

The Ronald McDonald House : Collect pop tabs off aluminum cans to donate to the program.

Habitat for Humanity:  Help build homes for poor people in the community.

Meals on Wheels: Do craft activities such as making tray favors for delivered food.

Libraries : Plan a themed story time for toddlers; clean and sort books.

Congregations and schools: Many welcome student helpers to move books, sort materials, and clean up.

A “perk” of all these suggestions is that teens will be building self esteem and nurturing a sense of self worth that is critical for making healthy decisions about they do with their lives not just during the summer, but forever.

Parents can model finding a balance between free time and responsible use of time by  scheduling some time with family during the summer to do fun activities or by volunteering (which may turn out to be more fun that you might think, and could turn into a project that continues past the summer).  Maybe together you could pursue a website like ancestry.com as you figure out your family tree and history.

Whatever the activity is, encourage and expect your pre-teen or teenager to do something constructive as well as relaxing during those lazy summer days.  The combination of having fun and accomplishing something significant could give your child a whole new perspective on life.  Most importantly, your child’s time will be much less likely to engage in risky behavior when summer time is used fruitfully.

By Susan Kurlander, Health Educator, Prevention Education, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.

Myra Strassler, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

All parents have the experience of seeing their children become anxious now and then.  It might be when they are facing their first day of school, taking a test, or learning a new skill.  A little mild anxiety is helpful in some situations;  it helps children anticipate what lies ahead.  They become motivated and more focused to prepare.

But sometimes a child’s anxiety becomes excessive and can negatively affect his or her behavior.  These children cannot be reassured and comforted.  Their anxiety overtakes them.  With childhood anxiety disorders affecting one in eight children, parents need help with differentiating normal anxiety from the more intense anxiety that can stall their child’s development.

How do you know if your child’s anxiety is excessive or problematic?

“Children who are anxious spend much more time feeling upset, and frequently find it hard to do things that are effortless for other children,” say psychologists Georgia DeGangi and Anne Kendall in “Effective Parenting for the Hard-To-Manage Child.”  “Some children worry so much that they work for hours on a task that should take only minutes to complete.   Some children may not want to leave their parents to go to school or to visit a friend.   Activities that used to be comfortable for them make them fearful.”

The following behaviors in children may be signs of anxiety, according to DeGangi and Kendall:

• Sleep disturbance, difficulty falling asleep or remaining asleep
• Aches and pains, such as stomachache, headache, nausea
• Being extremely agitated or shut down and withdrawn
• Difficulty with concentrating
• Avoidance of something for no understandable reason
• Panic attacks, rapid breathing, sweaty palms, rapid heartbeat, flushed face
• Clinginess

If any or all of these behaviors persist for a month and are interfering with family and peer relationships or school performance, your child may be suffering from a childhood anxiety disorder.  It is important not to ignore these signs because they are not likely to go away by themselves. This is the time to seek the assistance of a mental health professional.  According to the ADAA (Anxiety Disorders Association of America), children with untreated childhood anxiety disorders are at higher risk to perform poorly in school, miss out on important social experiences and engage in substance abuse. Childhood anxiety disorders can also be associated with depression in children.  Half the teens diagnosed with depression have a history of a childhood anxiety disorders.  Untreated, childhood anxiety disorders may result in long-term issues in adulthood.

Childhood anxiety disorders are treatable.     A child needs an adequate assessment, which will form the basis for any treatment.  At Jewish Community Services effective treatment for childhood anxiety disorders usually involves psychotherapy and, when indicated as necessary, an evaluation by our Board Certified Child Psychiatrist or a Certified Nurse Practitioner to determine whether medication would be beneficial.  Part of treatment often involves helping parents build a supportive network for their child and for themselves.

What can you do at home to help your child manage an anxiety disorder?  Here are some tips from the ADAA for parents and caregivers:

• Pay attention to your child’s feelings.
• Stay calm when your child becomes anxious about a situation or event.
• Don’t punish mistakes or lack of progress.
• Be flexible and try to maintain a normal routine.
• Modify expectations during stressful periods.
• Plan for transitions (for example, allow extra time in the morning if getting ready for school is difficult.)

Childhood anxiety disorder diagnoses are not a sign of poor parenting.   In many cases children are responding to environmental events.  Some children are anxious from the first years of life.  As described by DeGangi and Kendall, “They are born with a nervous system that is intense and that becomes agitated or shuts down easily.”  Often there is a family history of relatives who have struggled with anxiety.

As the people who know their children best, parents are in a unique position to recognize the warning signs of childhood anxiety disorder.  It is most important to consult a trained mental health professional experienced in diagnosing and treating childhood anxieties.   Parents can work in partnership with their child’s therapist to support and enhance their child’s learning to manage anxiety, and to find balance and wellbeing in their lives.

For more information:

http://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/children

“Effective Parenting for the Hard-To-Manage Child: A Skills-Based Book,” by Georgia DeGangi and Anne Kendall, Routledge, 2008.

By Myra Strassler, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.

Bryan Kraus, Guest Blogger for Jewish Community Services

The process of growing up, and what the psychologists call individuating from one’s parents, is usually not an easy one. We go from being completely dependent to independent, from being part of a whole to being individual agents in and of ourselves.  I do not consider myself an expert on this topic; there are far too many types of people and family situations that are out of the scope of my life experience. Yet being a 20-something who has lived away from my parents for a few years now, I do have a few thoughts on what young adults need most from their parents.

As I was thinking about 20-somethings out of college and on their own for the first time, the image of acrobatic performer doing tricks above a safety net kept popping into my mind.  As young adults attempting our first feats of financial, emotional, and geographical independence, we need plenty of space to find our way.  It’s just not the same taking those leaps into adulthood in an overly secure environment.

Sometimes novice acrobats may slip a little while in the air.  It’s scary for everyone when this happens because they are up there on their own.  For young adults, slipping up is an unavoidable part of our learning process. In these times, wise counsel from one’s parents can and does go a long way. However, there are always those times and situations when advice is either not given, or simply cannot be heard.

When such instances occur in my own life, my parents usually chime in with all sorts of advice. The strange thing is that while I deeply value listening to their 50+ years of life experience, it can sometimes be challenging to actually hear it. This is because my need to have my own life experiences, and not theirs, feels greater than not “messing up.” As young adults we have been hearing our parents’ ideas and guidance our entire lives. We really need to hear the ideas of others and to form our own.

At the same time, along with the space to explore, young adults also need the safety net of our parents’ loving support and presence. When I was 20 and barely out of the house, more than anything I wanted complete freedom to discover the world for myself. Now at 27 I look back and see that while my desire for freedom was legitimate, I also needed those reality checks from my parents. Their guidance helped me find the best way to go about finding that freedom I was looking for.

Although it can seem paradoxical at times, as young adults we need both space and guidance from our parents. I find there is a subtle distinction that should be made between what young adults want from their parents and what they need. Sometimes we want complete freedom but need some guidance. Other times we want constant support but need to figure things out for ourselves.

It’s a tricky time for both parents and their 20-something kids’ relationships. The tried and true parent/child patterns of interaction are still relevant and to some degree needed. At the same time the relationship is switching paradigms to one that’s based less on dependency and more on a mutual loving friendship between adults.

By Bryan Kraus, Guest Blogger for Jewish Community Services

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.

Emily Love, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

By Emily Love, LCSW-C

Many of the most vivid memories that adults have of their childhood are related to the games they played.  Sportsmanship is one of the many, and potentially the most meaningful, life-long lessons that can learned from team athletics. While most memories from these childhood experiences are positive, there is a negative side to organized team sports that creates challenges for children as they try to make sense of right and wrong.  We’ve all seen examples, like out of control parents screaming at their children, or worse, screaming at other children, other parents, or the referee; players who may cheat; and children feeling left out because they don’t get to play many minutes or innings of a game.

The outcome of athletics and team sports can be very emotional. It’s never fun to lose, to feel cheated, to feel that your effort has gone for nothing. Our society places a tremendous emphasis on winning. As Red Sanders’ (former UCLA football coach) iconic quote reminds us: “Winning isn’t everything…it’s the only thing.” Winners are often paraded around town, and, as the commercial reminds us, they get to go to Disney World. Our political system is based on winners and losers. The culture that we have created is one that is potentially damaging to the children who don’t win. This is all the more reason why we must accentuate the positives of these experiences, such as learning good sportsmanship.

At its most basic level, good sportsmanship consists of teammates, opponents, coaches, and officials treating each other with respect and dignity. It’s applying the Golden Rule, treating others as you want to be treated.  The key to learning sportsmanship comes from the adults in children’s lives: their parents, their friends’ parents, and coaches. Most children who exhibit poor sportsmanship are merely holding up a mirror to their parents or coaches. It is essential that all of the adults involved with young people model good behavior, starting at the youngest age and continuing through the adolescent years, because sportsmanship is a skill that kids will need for the rest of their lives.

Many of the best examples of good sportsmanship can be seen in our professional athletes. While most news programs like to focus on the negatives, there is much that is good.  For instance, as soon as a professional football game ends, you’ll see many players of opposing teams shaking hands and hugging. These people are paid to play the most violent game at the highest level, and they still manage to show good sportsmanship.

Children who practice good sportsmanship tend to carry that respect to the classroom and other social situations. They also learn that the real winners in sports are those who know how to behave with dignity and grace whether they win or lose. Sportsmanship is an attitude that can have a positive effect on those around us.

Here are some easy tips for parents to help foster good sportsmanship:

○     Talk politely and act courteously to other parents, both from your team and the other team.

○     Shout words of encouragement, not directions, from the sideline.

○     Keep comments positive; don’t badmouth coaches, players, or officials.

○     Applaud and cheer good plays, no matter who makes them.  At a minimum, cheer for your team, not against the opponent.

○     Keep it in perspective: these are games, no matter what age your child is.

○     After the game don’t dwell on who won or lost.  Ask your child, ”How did you feel about your own play or your team’s play during the game?”

Here are some topics to discuss with your child:

○     Treat your opponent with respect at all times.

○     Follow the rules of the game, and play fair.

○     Shake hands before or after the game.

○     Acknowledge good plays made by others.

○     Accept bad calls gracefully.

○     If you win, be a gracious winner; let the success speak for itself.

○     If you lose, congratulate the winner promptly and willingly.  Accept the outcome without complaint or excuses.  Remember; sometimes the other team likes to (and deserves) to win, too.

With the proper perspective and appreciation of sports as healthy athletic competition, children will learn valuable lessons that will make you proud as a parent while they are also enjoying these activities. Most importantly, they will learn teamwork, good sportsmanship and other skills that will help them be successful in life.

By Emily Love, LCSW-C, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.

Susan Kurlander, Health Educator, Prevention Education, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Tragically, we have recently been bombarded with news of drug and alcohol related deaths.  The media have focused graphic and in-depth attention on the death of singer Whitney Houston, who struggled with drug addiction even at the pinnacle of her career, and on the trial of George Huguely, University of Virginia student Yeardley Love’s former boyfriend, who had been heavily abusing alcohol during the time leading up to the brutal murder.  There was also the middle schooler who was killed when he fell out of his uncle’s car because he needed to vomit.   The 13-year-old had been drinking Four Loco, the canned drink filled with alcohol equivalent to 3-4 cans of beer.

It is impossible to insulate our children from hearing about such horrifying stories.  However, rather than avoiding these troubling subjects, we can transform these tragedies into teachable moments for our children.  Here are some conversation starters:

• Why do you think someone as talented as Whitney Houston would start using drugs?  How do you think her career was affected by her drug use?  I wonder how her drug use might have affected her daughter?

• Do you think that George Huguely would have killed Yeardley Love if he hadn’t been drinking alcohol?  Why do you think that college students drink alcohol, even if they’re not of legal drinking age?  In what ways do you think alcohol affects your ability to make decisions?

• Why do you think some friends want to drink alcohol while they are getting together? Why can it be so dangerous for a young teenager to drink any alcohol, but especially such a concentrated amount as there is in Four Loco?  Why do you think the middle school student didn’t ask his uncle to stop the car if he felt sick, instead of opening the door while the car was still moving?

Probably the most important question you can ask your children, at any age, is: How do you think the people who loved and cared about those who died or who are now in jail must feel about their losses?  To relate this to their own lives, you can ask: Which five people would be most affected if you decided to make a bad choice related to drugs?  Would those people’s lives ever be the same again?

Teachable moments open doors for parents and children and teens to discuss difficult or challenging subjects.  Often parents don’t know how or when to bring up topics like drugs or sex. When these subjects are highlighted in the news, this presents opportunities to introduce sensitive topics into family conversations.  By asking open-ended questions (like “What do you think about…?”) parents may get to learn what is on their children’s minds.   Parents might be surprised by how willing or eager their kids are to discuss these issues. These discussions also offer children natural opportunities to ask questions and get accurate information from their parents.

You never know when a teachable moment will present itself.  Sometimes you’re driving the kids in the car and a news story comes on the radio.  Or your child asks a question that makes you clench the wheel as you quickly try to figure out what you could/should say so that the moment doesn’t slip by.

Yes, teachable moments can be stressful.  You may have to think quickly and speak up without planning out exactly what you are going to say. But these moments also present opportunities that could help our children learn to make good choices and decisions so that they will grow up safe and healthy in today’s world.   Think of teachable moments as blessings in disguise.

By Susan Kurlander, Health Educator, Prevention Education, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.

Emily Hecht

For twenty-one years I have had a brother who has High-Functioning Autism.  Some might say that having a sibling with any type of special need can be difficult, challenging, often times overwhelming, and even frustrating.  However, being a sibling to someone who has a disability can also be exciting, motivational, powerful, and stimulating.   I have experienced situations with my brother where I have felt all of those emotions, sometimes even at the same time.   I firmly believe that I have grown up very differently from other young adults who have not been raised with a sibling with disabilities.   Although I did all of the things that other children my age did, like play sports, participate in drama classes and go to camp, something was always different.

Unlike most boys, my brother hated sports and still does, probably because he could never tolerate physical contact even from a loving hug.  Most girls my age who were interested in sports spent hours playing outside with their older brothers; however, I did not because my brother preferred to stay inside and watch TV or play on the computer.  Most boys did not want to play imaginative games with their little sisters, but since I was interested in drama, I would enter my brother’s sometimes-imaginative world and we would act out scenes from movies or make up skits and scenarios.

Both my brother and I went to camp and for a long time we both went to Camp Milldale, where my brother was in the Inclusion program.  Although it was great that we  were able to go to the same camp, I constantly worried about him.   I worried if kids in his bunk were making fun of him; I worried if his counselors knew where he was.  I worried about everything.   Although not all of these situations were bad, I had very different experiences from other children my age, and they significantly shaped not only my early childhood but they continue to affect me to the present as well.

I feel as if my parents did an amazing job making sure that I received enough attention, felt comfortable in my own skin, and felt comfortable being open and honest with those around me about my brother.  Although it took some time, and it did not happen overnight, I truly see having a sibling with a disability as a blessing, and nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.  But developing these thoughts stems from the compassion and love my parents gave both to me and to my brother, and the individual attention and support I received throughout my childhood and young adulthood.  My parents anticipated how I might react in certain situations with my brother and my peers,  thought about what could be embarrassing or make me stand out, and they tried their hardest to make sure that I was always comfortable and never felt different or isolated from others, despite the constant differences I always experienced.

Growing up with a sibling with special needs has changed my life as I believe I grew up differently from other kids my age.  But it has also motivated me to dedicate my life to children with disabilities as I am currently pursuing a career in Occupational Therapy.  My love for my brother, his abilities and the special things about him that make him unique, as well as all of the children I have met through my pursuits and experiences,  have truly pushed me to devote my energy and passion in my life to children with special needs.

By Emily Hecht

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.

Alison Dodge, Development Coordinator, Jewish Community Services

At a family gathering over the weekend, my sister brought a recently purchased copy of Goodnight iPad,  a parody of the children’s classic Goodnight Moon.  As parents of toddlers, we all browsed the pages, laughing at the updated “goodnight iPhone, goodnight charger…” text and graphics.  However, while a part of me saw the humor in the book, and I admit, recognized how my own 3 and 5 year olds are more familiar with the terms “iPhone” and “iPad” than they are with a “bowl full of mush,”  a part of me was also saddened by the realization.

The next week, I shared this with a group of co-workers, who recalled similar conversations with family members over the loss of bedtime stories as a ritual among today’s children.  In fact, a recent story in the “New York Times” even covered it.  I’ll be the first to admit that it’s great to have electronic devices at the ready to tell my children stories, or keep them entertained in waiting rooms, store lines, or while I’m cooking dinner.  I would even advocate for the benefits of many e-games and stories, and say they’ve improved my children’s comprehension of letters, shapes, and numbers.  And I, along with many other parents I know, are often shocked (and quietly proud) at how easily my toddlers pick up electronic devices and seem to have a natural knack for using them.

However, reading – real books – to my children is a cherished bedtime ritual as well, and one that I am disappointed to hear people argue is no longer the “norm.”  As we delve further and further into the realm of gadgetry, e-reading, and always being “connected,” I think it’s ok that parenting and storytelling shift along with the times. As all generations note, everything in moderation. However, I agree that important rituals of reading, telling bedtime stories, and even visiting local libraries on a regular basis are childhood staples my generation must not lose.

So, in the spirit of celebrating the value of reading real books and stories to children today, and into the future, I asked a few Jewish Community Services staff members for their favorite “suggested” bedtime reading for young children (in addition to listing a few of my own):

-          Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown

-          Time for Bed, by Mem Fox

-          The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams

-           If You Give a Mouse a Cookie (or any If You Give books), by Laura Numeroff

-          Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch

-          Jamberry, by Bruce Degan

Here’s to that antiquated parenting ritual of opening up a book, turning real pages, and allowing our imaginations to wander along with our children’s – even if our iPhones are charging in the next room…

By Alison Dodge, Development Coordinator, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.

Susan Kurlander, Health Educator, Prevention Education, Jewish Community Services

I had gone out shopping while my husband took my daughter out for her first driving experience.  I thought I would come home to find my husband feeling successful and my daughter feeling elated as this eagerly awaited new stage in her development was getting under way.    Instead, I came home to find my husband rocking frantically in our kitchen rocking chair and my daughter sobbing hysterically in her room.  I knew right away that the experience had not been a good one for either of them.   Something would have to change to keep us all on a more even emotional keel.

Many, if not most parents go through trying times when their child comes of age and gets behind the wheel.  Questions begin to invade our thoughts 24/7.

• How much freedom to drive should my child have?
• What consequences should I put in place?
• Is my child ready to accept the responsibilities of driving?

Since we are all well aware of the dangers and risks of driving, especially for new drivers, these safety questions are fundamental.  Some of the more complex questions, however, involve our needing to let go when our children take this next big step.

• Do I see this next stage as my losing control?
• Does my child trust me enough to listen to what I’m saying?
• Do I trust my child enough to allow and even encourage him/her to become more independent?
• How can I stay calm when I am anything but calm?

We tend to accept teen driving as a rite of passage, and we feel that it will take a leap of faith to get us through this potentially stressful time.  However, if we choose to look at teen driving as a process that can be navigated, there are ways to make this process smoother and safely managed. Here are some suggestions:

• Begin talking with your teen about your expectations before the actual driving begins.
• Directly address any hesitation either you or your teen may have related to driving.
• Discuss the financial costs of maintaining a car as well as the increased insurance costs, and together decide if your child should accept any of those costs.  Teens tend to be more responsible if they have financial accountability.
• Make sure your child is aware of some of the natural consequences of driving infractions such as speeding, going through a red light, etc.
• Discuss together some of the logical consequences that will be put in place if rules are not followed.  For example, what does your teen think should happen if a curfew is not met?  Often, teens will impose a harsher consequence than the parents.
• Decide whether or not passengers will be allowed to ride in the car and, if so, will that be immediately or after the new driver has had some experience driving alone.  Some states already have that stipulation in place.

The more the parent and teen can talk about these things together ahead of time, the less stressful and safer the process will be.

Having a new teen driver in the family stirs up a lot of emotion.   Keeping calm may seem to be impossible as your teen begins to navigate the process of gaining experience behind the wheel.  Whether you are in the car or not, it’s easy to become rattled when you think of all the things that could happen.  Just keep in mind:  if you follow some of the suggestions offered here, you won’t feel so helpless.  You may even get to the point where you welcome your teen’s offer to drive Grandma home or go to pick up some groceries.  But during the learning process, there’s always that rocking chair in the kitchen.

By Susan Kurlander, Health Educator, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.

Karen Schloss, Volunteer Coordinator, Jewish Big Brother Big Sister Matching Program, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore

By Karen Schloss, Match Coordinator

“There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.”*  Stories abound testifying to the miraculous difference a mentor can make in the life of a child or teenager.  Those of us who staff the Jewish Big Brother Big Sister program of Jewish Community Services see these transformations daily.

But the ones who say it best are the parents.  Here is what they are telling us about the positive changes they see in their children as a result of the special friendship with a Big Brother or Big Sister.

“I am sooo thankful for my son’s Big Brother.  He is a positive influence, a friend and a confidant for my son.  They spend time together going to ball games, bowling, hiking, eating and just hanging out.  He has truly made a great difference.”

“Leah really feels special when she goes out with her Big Sister.   She comes home feeling on top of the world—happy, special and appreciated.  She is starting to develop new interests through her Big Sister and is gaining confidence and a more positive attitude.”

Alex’s mother puts it this way, “My son really thrives on the attention and guidance he gets from his Big Brother.  He just loves discovering new things with him.”

“Mike has made a tremendous difference in Todd’s life!   The Big Brother program has allowed Todd to experience what a male role model is all about.  They love going to sporting events, fundraisers and just hanging out.  We are so lucky to be part of this amazing program.”

“I am very fortunate to have Big Brothers for my two sons.  My husband passed away five years ago…. He was matched a few months later and they’re still together.  I did not think I’d be lucky enough to have [my younger son] matched, too. However, he got a Big Brother just over a year ago when he turned seven and has someone “just for him.”  Having male role models for my sons is something I never thought they’d have when they lost their father.”

“My son and I can’t thank Jewish Big Brothers enough for the past eleven years.  When my son was seven, he was matched with a Big Brother, Paul, who has been a consistent friend and role model. Going to lunch on weekends, watching baseball and football games together, having a catch and attending many Big Brother Big Sister sponsored events have been the activities my son looked forward to as he grew up.  Their formal relationship just ended because Jared entered college this fall, but they are in touch with each other ….  We will always be grateful for the support my son received.”

Again and again, parents of children ages 7-17 whom JCS matches with caring mentors tell us about how “Bigs” become special friends and positive role models for their “Littles.”  Just by their getting together a couple of times a month for fun activities, over time, some kind of magic happens in a child’s life.

In the proclamation President Obama issued on January 3, 2012, designating January as National Mentoring Month, he said, “Every day, mentors help young Americans face the challenges of growing into adulthood.  By setting a positive example and sharing their time, knowledge and experience, mentors play an essential role in preparing our Nation’s youth for a bright future.”  The national organization, Mentor, says: “Mentors help build young people’s character and confidence, expand their universe and help them navigate pathways to successful adulthood.  Despite this proven impact, the gap between the number of mentors and the number of young people who need a mentor is still too large.”

If you think your child or the child of someone you know could benefit from having a Big Brother or Sister, or if you’d like to learn more about becoming a “Big,” please contact:

Katie Cohen, Volunteer Coordinator, Jewish Big Brother Big Sister, Jewish Community Services, 410-843-7467,  kcohen@jcsbaltimore.org

*British author Graham Greene

By Karen Schloss, Match Coordinator, Jewish Big Brother Big Sister, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

Questions about parenting?  Send an email to parenttalk@jcsbaltimore.org.  For more information on parenting click here or call 410-466-9200.