This Week in Blackness | #TWIBnation

#IHHMCY Ep. 6.5 | “The Sandwich Brew-Ha-Ha”

Elon James White — Wed, 28 Jun 2017 19:37:43 +0000

Elon & Emily are joined by new #TWIBnation member and woman from Elon’s past, Zenya Prowell discussing Hamilton, clubbing, Chaffetz and Thievin’ Ass Olivia.

FEATURING:

Elon James White (http://twitter.com/elonjames)
Emily Epstein White (http://twitter.com/emeps)
Zenya Prowell (http://twitter.com/zenyaprowell)
Opening theme: Willie Evans Jr. (http://twitter.com/willieev)

#TWIBprime Ep. 947 | “Sweating The News”

Elon James White — Fri, 23 Jun 2017 22:30:59 +0000

#TeamBlackness talks secret healthcare bills, a Black cop gets shot by another cop and we have NO idea why, Bill Cosby ups his horrible person game and Dara and Elon try to get through the show without dying of heat stroke.

Featuring Elon James White (@elonjames), Dara M Wilson (@daramwilson)

Opening Theme: Enter the Blackness by Jasiri X feat. Willie Evans Jr. & Elon James White
Closing Theme: Blackberry Remix by Macarone feat. Willie Evans Jr. & Elon James White

Daddy Game Proper | Be Afraid: The Real Danger Of Parenting

Elon James White — Thu, 22 Jun 2017 20:31:02 +0000

There’s been myriad unsolicited advice offered to me since my wife and I announced she was with child; most of which I didn’t want or need. (Best advice I was given was ignore all advice given. Thanks, Drew).

Of all the topics broached by the well-meaning, the one I would’ve most appreciated was never mentioned. But due to my kind and generous nature, I wanted to take this time to warn you, dear reader, of a parental danger that is spoken of in hushed tones, covered in shame and embarrassment leading to it not being spoken about nearly enough.

Violence. Specifically, child violence against parents. #CVAP

My amazing and adorable 13.5-month-old child has at this point punched me in the face no less than 30 times. One of which, she hit me in the eye with her small yet hard AF brush.

On another occasion, when she was feeling especially frustrated with her precious papa(1), she tried to snatch my eye out of my face as if she was a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad(2). Also of note about this specific incident is that I am in possession of onlyone eye(3).

Yes, my child has almost blinded me multiple times.

I literally, not figuratively, LITERALLY have scratches around my left orbital cavity where my child has taken swings at my face randomly and on purpose. My vision was fuzzy for days after a particularly effective attack where she scratched my cornea then followed up with the previously mentioned brush bashing, hitting me in the same eye during a terribly thought out grooming lesson.

I’d heard the jokes about babies/toddlers stomping daddy-nether-regions with their adorable hard-ass feet but no one told me that my child might attempt eye gouging.

Did I mention that she head-butted me so hard that she loosened multiple teeth? My crime against her? I attempted to pick her up from her crib when she woke up one morning. Dassit.

“Good morning honey! How are–FUCK! OW! GATDAMB IT!” *Anguished yells for my wife*

My child’s attempts at blinding and/or knocking all of my teeth out prompted me to ask this question on Twitter.

Parents: Have you ever worn protective gear to protect yourself from your viole–er–enthusiastic child? #DGProper

— Elon James White (@elonjames) June 20, 2017

Admittedly I felt silly and a bit embarrassed tweeting this. I love my daughter and enjoy immensely caring for her, but I don’t want to have to train in krav maga to be capable of getting her up from a nap without being physically injured. The responses to my tweet legitimately shocked me. Parent after parent shared the violence they’ve endured at the hands of their tiny tyrants.

My nephew headbutted me so hard it nearly broke my nose. I cried, he cried, I bruised. Not his fault but GD it hurt.

— Nerdista (@Nerdista) June 20, 2017

My daughter was 18 months old, screamed and tried to break free of me as she saw the dog on stairs. I fell down the stairs

— uniongal (@uniongal) June 21, 2017

Mine @ 5 yrs accidentally kicked me in the nose, breaking septum into 3 pieces, causing major infection and sinus surgery.

— mataliandy (@mataliandy) June 21, 2017

Apparently, children have been committing war crimes against adults for quite some time. A Google search of “Parental injuries caused by children” turned up a 2013 post on the NYT Well Blog.

“According to (ER) physicians, pediatricians and other experts (Unintentional Parent Abuse) is no laughing matter. With unpredictable infants and toddlers, meals, bath time or even cuddles can go terribly wrong. Though statistics for injuries caused by young children are difficult to find, parents routinely suffer concussions, chipped teeth, corneal abrasions, nasal fractures, cut lips and torn earlobes, among other injuries.

“You’re dealing with wonderful human beings who can’t be reasoned with, who are impulsive, who are stronger and faster than you think they are, and don’t understand consequences of their actions,” said Dr. Benjamin Hoffman….”

Emphasis mine.

Why is this incredibly dangerous aspect of parenthood not a discussion that you have with your doctor, midwife, doula, mom, dad, friends-that-actually-like-you, or somebody?! Anybody! It seems most parents or childcare workers have some sort of horror story of barely surviving an infant or toddler yet I learned about these dangers after I was already bleeding.

If we told people how dangerous they were, nobody would have them. It’s all about the preservation of the species.

— David von Ebers (@Dave_von_Ebers) June 21, 2017

As I’ve said, dear reader, I write this in hopes to save your cornea, front teeth or jaw. (A friend’s kid kicked her in the jaw so hard years later it still clicks.)

You’re simply not fast enough nor do you have the Batman-esque skills needed to defend against these non-skilled yet incredibly effective combatants. What they lack in intention they make up for in randomness, misunderstood strength and a lack of fucks that we’ll never truly understand how to defend against. Protect yourselves! I’ve personally ordered goggles to protect my good eye until I’m confident that my baby girl is at a 20 percent or less chance of destroying my face.

Pray for me. I’m not religious but as the saying goes “There are no atheists in foxholes.” Or in my case “play areas.”

_______________________________________________________________

1. (pronounced “Puh-Pah.” I would like to think my child has a faux british accent and until she expands her vocabulary past “dadadadadada–muhmamamamamama-dah” that’s the story I’m sticking with.)

2. As made famous by the Quinten Tarintino film Kill Bill: Volumes I & II

3. Lost my right eye when I was 14 in a school shooting.

Elon James White is a writer, comedian and CEO of independent media outlet #TWIBnation. He’s the creator of #DaddyGameProper #DGProper and co-host of the #DGPOD – A weekly podcast devoted to the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. Subscribe on Itunes, Stitcher, Google Play or RSS.

Follow Daddy Game Proper on Facebook,Twitter and Instagram

Daddy Game Proper Podcast #DGPOD – Episode 2: “DANGER!” | #DGProper

Elon James White — Thu, 22 Jun 2017 20:08:47 +0000

Dahled and Elon are back discussing their best/worst parenting moments of the week, the dangers of toddler violence on parents, and the weekly messages from the Dads to their kids in the future.

Hosted by Elon James White & Dahled Jeffries

SUBSCRIBE!
Itunes: http://twib.me/dgpoditunes
Stitcher: http://twib.me/stitchdgpod
Google Play: http://twib.me/dgpodgplay
RSS: http://feeds.feedburner.com/dgpodtwibnation

The Pancake Dance

Elon James White — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 21:06:22 +0000

I’m going to be honest here; I don’t think I’m this happy about anything. Ever. Ever, ever. I need to get my pancake dance together.

Whatchu know about that #PancakeLife? #DGProper

A post shared by Daddy. Game. Proper. (@daddy.game.proper) on Jun 19, 2017 at 11:26am PDT

NEW! The Official Daddy Game Proper Podcast – #DGPOD

Elon James White — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 19:47:08 +0000

Being a Dad is tough. Especially when society tries to pretend you don’t exist. From the producers of the award winning web series and TV show TWiB! Prime w/ @elonjames White, This Week in Blackness presents the Daddy Game Podcast #DGPOD. Hosted by poet Dahled Jeffries and comedian Elon James White, #DGPOD is a no-holds-barred look at the joys and frustrations of fatherhood and parenting as a whole. Check out the debut episode and subscribe!

Itunes: http://twib.me/dgpoditunes
Stitcher: http://twib.me/stitchdgpod
Google Play: http://twib.me/dgpodgplay
RSS: http://feeds.feedburner.com/dgpodtwibnation

May 5th is Daddy Game Proper Day!

Elon James White — Fri, 05 May 2017 06:42:34 +0000

Why YES we’ve already reached that time we’re #TWIBnation sponsors the first ever #DGProper day. We’re asking Black fathers across the nation to weigh in and show the pics of them with their kid being awesome. We can’t wait to see it all go down. stay tuned for the recap!

Things You Can’t Predict

Elon James White — Wed, 03 May 2017 23:00:20 +0000

I had to cut these to fit my baby’s face. Yes I was distraught.

Hi. My name is Elon and I hurt my kid.

Just recently on social media I was discussing baby proofing my office when I was warned by other parents about all the ways you can’t predict your kid getting hurt. I knew that there were various ways in which kids hurt themselves that can’t be foreseen but what I wasn’t expecting was that “I” would be one of those ways.

Quick story:

I’ve started taking my kid out in the morning to give my wife some peace since she works from home. My wife had started driving the kid and I to a cafe/restaurant/juke joint where we would hang out and she’d work via mobile hotspot and I’d be on full Daddy duty. We then head back to the house and put her down for first nap, I start my workday, the Wife ends hers and the passoff happens. So today when we got back for Sids afternoon nap I wanted to get a little time with her on camera for DGP.

She was in a great mood but she’s still a baby; She’s reaching for wires and anything she can to pull or grab. I tried to move the microphone arm away from us so she couldn’t grab it and while doing that the mic arm popped up from its holder and popped Siddy in the eyebrow giving her a cut.

I feel horrible.

Our cd of classic daddy-daughter duets will soon be released… #DGProper #DaddyGameProper

A post shared by Daddy. Game. Proper. (@daddy.game.proper) on Apr 29, 2017 at 10:10am PDT

(You can see the cut on her eyebrow)
Sidney cried, of course, but was calm within a few minutes. I on the other hand was not. I just kept thinking how I screwed up and hurt my one and only child. This wasn’t simply her being wacky and flinging herself around. This was a mistake I made and I caused my child to bleed and possibly have a scar. My wife kept saying “She’s fine. It was an accident. These things happen.” And I kept thinking “SURE. TO TERRIBLE FATHERS. I AM THE WORST FATHER ON THE PLANET.”

I thought I had hurt her once before but in reality what I thought was a bruise caused by me was actually a birth mark. This is the first time she’s been harmed and I was the cause of it. I know I’m overreacting and that if she’s already giving her royal wave within minutes of the incident she’s going to be okay. The issue is that it just reminds me that I really don’t know what’s going to happen ever. Even when I think I’ve planned everything out something odd like a microphone stand might pop out and now I have a hurt child. Anything can happen.

Anything.

If I’ve ruined her eyebrow forever you can find me weeping in a corner.

The Beginning of the End: SHE WALKS

Elon James White — Tue, 02 May 2017 20:04:36 +0000

She’s walking pretty well now. We’re so screwed. #DGProper

A post shared by Daddy. Game. Proper. (@daddy.game.proper) on May 2, 2017 at 11:03am PDT

My wife and I have been daydreaming about when Siddy Bear would start walking. She made her first attempts when she was around 10 months and it would be a step or 2 here and there. But as the weeks have been passing she’s getting more and more confident on her feet (even though she feels faster when she crawls) and I’ve been so proud of her little awkward waddle. Problem is now she wants to be free ALL THE TIME. She doesn’t understand any point in time where she would need to be still.

We’re so screwed.

Daddy Game Proper | “Dear Strangers – Please Don’t Touch My Kid.”

Elon James White — Thu, 27 Apr 2017 21:31:40 +0000

In this installment of Daddy Game Proper, Elon James White requests something really, really simple. Stop touching his kid. Consider this a PSA.