It is the final hour, and Jack has not eaten, drank, or went potty. That we know of.

Okay, I don’t have this DVR’d, but I definitely need to go back and see if the crew made a boo-boo ’cause I swore that SARH did not have her bandage in place in a few scenes.

Jack makes like a snake and wiggles under an overhead door, and I was positive he was going to be stuck there having a seizure, but no, he makes it through. And the soundtrack is taking on the majesty of a Broadway musical. Such as Jesus Christ Superstar.

Tony tries to wiggle himself in, and Jack tries to squish him like an errant child. Tony doesn’t even bother with the huffing and puffing and goes straight for some forklift action (which I am pretty sure would have just opened up the door like a tin can rather than lifting it).

Jack attempts to burn the place down with a flare and some spilled fuel (ahhh Kim. On fire.) and…FAIL, as he pathetically wriggles, and Tony duck-walks over him and knocks him out.

Agent Pierce, polite to the end, “No Ma’am, I am not going to do that.” The jig is up. The news is out, they finally found her. And I am starting to feel bad for Olivia. That’s what I get for having a smile pasted on my face from Kim going up like a Roman candle.

Okay, I am going to say it, the torn emo Jack-no want. Want old Jack back.

“Dammitt Tony look at me.” And there is nothing but emptiness in Tony’s eyes, which is played masterfully. And the gag me with a spoon line of the night, “Let me die in peace.”

And it turns out that Tony has been flip-flopping from side to side more than a fish in a Faith No More vid. He is on no one’s side. He is doing this… for Michelle. Awwww. And it was all to get to Sinead’s fellow conspirator, Allen Wilson, the man behind our favourite jello Charles Logan. Done burned Michelle to a crisp.

And Tony has the testicular fortitude to blame Jack. JACK! Jack screwed it all up. (and a small voice inside of me kinda sees Tony’s point here, forgive me Jack). But Jack ain’t buying it. And….

“I’m not going to kill him Jack, you are.” Am I watching 24 or Lost? Isn’t that what Locke said to Linus on the way to Jacob?

And the names of the dead loved ones go a-flyin again as Tony and Jack exchange Michelles and Terris. Tony hooks Jack up to… is it a bomb? A splatter device to deposit his germy ridden organs all over the place? And Jack gives him the “I could kill you with a blink” blink. Twitch. Spaz. Twitch.

And Tony’s red-head… kisses the other guy? Maybe I did have her closing line right? What the heck is going on here? And… in swoops SARH to save the day and cause mass carnage!

In yet another ruptured fuel tank (the writers were channelling Beavis, fire, fire, hehe) there is more gas than at a chili cook-off.

SARH shows off her chops and does the wonderwoman tumble while screaming ululations. Okay, I made the second part up, but she did some awesome footwork and goes to rescue her man. Within seconds, the bomb is a non-issue.

Cut back to Tony’s red-head who runs to give him a smooch, and wham! He shoots her. But I give him cred for not staring into her eyes while she is dying like the creepy slimeball horndog at the beginning of the season.

Tony tells Allen that he is going to pay for the Michelle BBQ. Allen denies involvement. Tony bellows that Michelle was preggers with his son! Whoa, who shot Tony before he could get his revenge (why don’t the bad guys^tm ever learn to shut up and just shoot already)? Was it Jack? Was it Jackette?

AND OF COURSE MY SATELLITE GLITCHES AGAIN. DARN IT TO HECK!

Jack is on the way to the hospital to die, and like Jesus, he won’t take anything to dull the pain. SARH has a hankering for some torturing and comes and tells His Jackness that “I can make him talk, tell me what to do.” Like Jack is going to go, “Well okay, first take stock of your surrounding. Lamp cord? Check. Plastic bag? Check…”

And here is where I wanted to vomit. Jack waxes eloquent on how the rule of law is more important than those 15 people in the bus he could save (I dunno, if I was one of those 15 people I would feel a tad bit differently) and that she must simply do what she can live with but must remember she swore an oath, blah, blah, blah, cry me a river. And thus Jack passes the baton to Jackette. Literally.

Jack: I thought maybe if I saved them, I save myself.

And everyone laughed at me when I said that 24 was Xena redux.

Okay I don’t know if you guys saw the same commercials that I did, but that Prius commercial acid trip scared the crap out of me.

And, harkening back to the Palmers, we have the Taylor family drama! Reprising the role of Sherry Palmer is Henry Taylor! I think Liv is going to puke. I think I am going to puke.

Ouch, cold. Ice-cold. “Allison spare me your sanctimony.” She should have took off a Presidential pump and smacked him around a bit.

Okay now I did throw up in my mouth. The tender butterfly kisses moment between Janis and Chloe. I don’t think so. I so don’t want that.

And in this season’s crowning case of Terminal Political Correctness, Jack has a vistor. Is it Kim? Bzzt. Is it Jackette? Bzzt. It’s the Imman! Nevermind that Jack isn’t Muslim. And then the 24 writers don’t have the jewels to actually go all the way and have them pray to Allah but rather do a generic prayer to themselves to forgive themselves, managing to piss off all the world religions at once!! FTW!

MP gathers up her TF and makes the hard call to turn in her dear daughter, and a momentary spark flies between her and the now ex-ex-Chief of Staff who offers his shoulder to cry upon.

Allen is in the interrogation chamber. Jackette is pissed. Janis is whinging. And Janis decided since everyone else is tastelessly invoking the dead, she might as well thrown in a good “Larry wouldn’t have wanted this. Don’t dishonour his death like this.” for good measure.

And the transformation is complete. Jackette has mastered the Jack Shriek of Doom. As she lays down her badge and walks into the room after pulling a Han Solo on the door locks, we are left to wonder. Does she torture him? Does she torture him not?

Now, after trying and failing to appease all the religions at once, Kim is set to bust in on the scene, and Jack is in an induced coma from an overdose of PC fail. Kim takes a stand. She wants to give up some stem cells for daddy. Jack has degenerated so badly that even Kim’s cells can only be an improvement for next season.

And somehow in the mix I lost track of Tony. He became irrelevant in an instant.

… and the clock ticks on.

While Jack is in a coma, Kim asked me to take over temporarily.

Olivia is a-squirming in the hot seat, brought to you by Crisco Cisco!

MP is beside herself with leaks, but Bauer has apprehended Tony Almeida and…. pulls a completely lame switcheroo with SARH already acting like his wife (yeah out of order, but it fit here) with “Jack, Jack, Jack,” and totally getting the sympathy cussing when she learns what Tony done did to her man.

Wait??? okay Jack redeemed the lameness of the start by the much beloved “let’s just shoot someone in the leg” move. I wonder if SARH would have took it for him. Oh yes she would.

And the rumpled Jeff Bridges’ look-alike has been bit by a vampire! Oh, its just where he stooped down to the ground and angled his neck just right into the cab door when he was getting out. Yeah, that’s believable. Oh right. It’s Kim. It’s believable enough.

Now is it just me, or does Tony’s red-headed girl look like Sinead O’Connor in the dark with that black turtleneck? Shave her head, and nothing will compare 2 U.

Time to unload Tony to Sinead. Tony takes the gun, and Tony takes the Bauer. As a keepsake. And the Chloe twins ramp up the super-duper transponder thingamabob locators! Yee haw!

And in a surprising twist, Jack is the new container. Totally didn’t see that one coming.

Aaron, always the gentleman, while ratting Olivia out. And where did that herpes simplex come from on his lip?

Aaron said, “Ms. Taylor’s behaviour has been erratic at best.” Aaron thought, “and slutty at worst, and I ain’t yo pimp.”

Uh oh. Olivia bulls her way past Aaron into her office, and her throat does a great imitation of a turkey gooble when she sees who’s a-come a-callin’ for his dish of chilled vengeance with a sprig of parsley.

And oh nos!!!! The picture is open! And its not a stereo system back there! Ack! Bwahahahaha

Back to the airport. Kim gets a call. Tries to think who might be slightly suspicious in her immediate vicinity and doesn’t think about the guy with the gash in his neck until…. oh yeah. It was my toothbrush.. that’s right. They, umm, well I, left my toothbrush, but they had to open my luggage, and this makes no sense…. did you notice I am blonde?

Holy Snikeys!! Some major shooting at the airport, and the Chloe sisters are on it like white on rice. Like Janis applying lipstick with an extra dab above the line for good measure.

And OMG, I have to admit it. Kim does have some of daddy in her with the “DAMMIT!” The female terrorist-kidnapper-airport lady is dead, and Jeff Bridges is going to get away. Kim frozen… her life is flashing before her eyes, and she sees… the cougar. No, she must redeem herself from one of the lamest plot points in all of 24 so off she dashes to follow Rumpledclotheskin.

Olivia is in full-on evil shrew mode. “Oh Ethan, you always stand up when I enter the room.” That’s cause he’s getting ready to fend off any vipers that might come out of your hair sweetie. Just give her the tape and all will be fine. Sure. And the apple was good to make one wise.

And she takes out all of her frustration on a blank tape! Way to go Liv! And Aaron the Smooth Operator escorts Former CoS out of the front, at which time he mentions “dealing with Olivia” and makes a face like he stepped in something deposited by the First Puppy.

Okay back to Jack.. he is getting dragged off in a manner eerily similar to when he was dragged onto the slow boat to China. Whoa.. this scene makes me… uncomfortable. And wouldn’t you know it; This is Spinal Tap!

Jack is doing an awesome job at being strapped downed and immobilized with one nitpick. Where’s the drool. Some drool would have made this perfect.

Twitching airport security dude. It was chaos, people were running everywhere. Everyone was Kung Fu fighting, those cats were fast as lightning. Kim meanwhile is pursuing Mr. Airport Creepy Webcam Guy who is doing one killer impression of Igor.

And “Hello officers I am Kim Bauer, and I am not as dumb as you think I am…” and of course. They’re dead as Igor tries to get away without paying for parking.

Kim runs to the flaming car to retrieve the laptop with the incriminating pictures, and of course, the claw of death reaches out to grab her and THIS IS THE MOST AWESOMEST THING I HAVE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.

Kim. Catches. Fire.

Priceless. Does that make me evil?

And 24 dodges what would have been the most hack-kneed trick in the whole book by NOT having someone in the back of Former CoS’s car while he listens to Olivia arrange for the dirty deed.

And… back to Jack, strapped to the table, in a way that still makes me very uncomfortable having to imagine the actors shooting this scene… and. WHOA. Did. Not. Expect. That. They need to harvest his organs. Funky cold medina. But I suspect he is listening…

Tony whinges to his girlfriend that [insert gruff voice] he needs a larger role in the “organization.” So Sinead runs off to plead his case, and her closing argument to her conspirator is??? Did I hear that right?

“And its not as if you haven’t bedded every other member of the group?” Eh?? I don’t have it DVR’d so I can’t play that back. Or was it vetted?? I am not sure what she said, but I don’t think I like it.

And my satellite dish glitches, comes back, and Jack got away! I hope I didn’t miss anything awesome.

Anyone else notice Jack looked like he was choking Kim in the show recap? Oh, that would have been sweet.

Anyone else notice the significant number of redheads this season?

Anyone else notice Tony has the intensity we expect out of Jack?

Anyone else notice the redhead put on a different redheaded wig?

Anyone else notice the cop was the one administering the morphine?

Oh sweet baby Jack! He finally gets a torture! About time. We can finally stop noticing unimportant stuff.

Sorry, we have to notice something else: anyone notice Chloe being smug?

“It’s obvious I’ll never be able to do things as well as you did at CTU. All I ask is you don’t make me feel like an idiot while I’m doing it.” - New Chloe to Old Chloe

“Dammit Chloe!” - Jack Bauer. Awesome, we have torture and a dammit! Feels like we’re back on track.

You would think Tony would have eyes on Innocent Muslim Dude in the subway. Awesome…he does…and it’s a cop.

We love Aaron’s righteous indignation.

We also love watching First Daughter squirm.

“The time to worry about your conscience is before you decided to go through with this.” - Hit Man Contact, with an important life lesson

Uh oh…Kim is in trouble….we can hope her CTU training doesn’t kick in.

Is Jack cuddling Tony? Probably not, since he referred to him as a piece of crap.

How’s Jack going to figure this all out with a Dell?

Uh oh…New Chloe is going all Old Chloe….oh no you didn’t.

Someone’s going to die…

OK…this beating of Tony counts as torture. That’s 2!

And maybe a kill.

What subway train sits for that long at a station?

And Jack saves the world again.

“Hey baby,” - says Special Agent Red Hot in her head

Looks like Kim is using her CTU training after all.

Nice twist…Airport Stalker is on Jack’s team.

Tony looks like the Devil.

Previous Season Bad Guy conjurs a “dammit.”

Wow…another nice twist…California Yuppie is a terrorist?

Aaron is not pleased…and his one eyebrow is up.

And it’s still up.

And still up.

How long can one man hold his eyebrow up?

We still love Aaron.

“Do you have something you want to say to me?” - And the Chloes ramp it up

“Oh you don’t me but if you did then you would know this is the last place to go for any validation.” - Old Chloe…oh snap!

And after 7 seasons, Jack finally makes up with the Muslims.

Oh man…Jack is being blackmailed…again.

“That sounds to me like you think you have a choice.” - Tony, channeling Jack for the Dark Side

Innocent Muslim Dude is a bad fake crier.

Chloe says there is not chatter AT ALL. If Chloe says there is no chatter, there is no chatter.

“Janice…not now.” - Special Agent Red Hot

And Jack hits New Chloe with another great “Father Knows Best” speech.

Chloe doesn’t know about Jack? What the?

Innocent Muslim Dude needs to take fake crying lessons from Chloe.

When the cop knocked on the door, he said “DCPD, open up,” but his insignia said “MPD.” Wardrobe Fail.

First Daughter…grr….that’s all we’ve got.

“It’s complicated, Martin, I don’t have time to get into it.” - First Daughter, as she orders a hit on the Bad Jonas Brother

How awesome would it be if Martin turns First Daughter into the cops. Or better yet, if Aaron turns her in.

How do you put a guy like the Bad JB into a new identity. Isn’t he too well known?

“I can smell attitude, son.” - Bad JB to someone his own age

“Why should I believe you?” - Imam
“Because I’m telling you the truth.” - We’ll forgive Jack’s lack of logic because of the whole dying of a bio weapon thing

How many banking websites use the phrase “Execute?” Those you use to transfer money for an execution.

Jack proves himself an honorable man to muslims everywhere. Yeah, buddy.

“You’re the President, sweetheart, you don’t owe me an explanation.” - Strange Quote from First Gentleman

Good-bye, Bad JB, good-bye.

Bad acting, First Daughter, bad acting.

“Tim, get on top of this!” demands MP 2 seconds after Tim finds out about this.

“How can you be sure.” - SA Red Hot
“Because that’s what I would have done.” - Jack, speaking the truth

Seriously…how did Innocent Muslim Dude’s brother learn to kill like that? Hmmm….maybe he’s not so innocent himself…

OK…there better be some torturing and killing this episode. The counter has stalled for too long.

Jack deserves an Academy Award for his seizure work.

Tony disables the GPS on the truck which conveniently looks like a giant CB radio.

Everyone’s looking sweaty. It’s been a long day.

“I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake.” - Jack Bauer. Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Everyone on TV (and movies) knows their bank phone numbers by heart.

Tony is getting so many kills…but they don’t bring the same joy as Jack’s kills.

Is Madame President going to let Jack torture the Bad Jonas Brother? Doh! This is a kinder and gentler 24, where only the bad guys kill and torture. So sad.

“We don’t do that…not under this administration!” - MP

Soap Opera City.

Blah dee dah.

We don’t like seeing “The Group.” It would be better to have them all hidden. More dramatic. This show has gotten so boring we’ve sunk to actually criticizing the production quality. So sad, indeed.

Did Tony just take a shower with a dead man?

“I’m Jack Bauer and I am the only hope your family has to stay alive.” - Now that’s the old Jack Bauer we know and love

Not quite torture, but it was nice to hear Jack interrogating the Bad Jonas Brothers.

The only way to make this work is to recommission CTU. Yeah, buddy. Chloe is next…wait for it…

And we didn’t have to wait long.

First the servers are recommissioned and now they are reconstituted. This is big stuff.

“I’m the only one who can get the servers back online.” - Chloe (with the best form of job security: lack of redundancy)

How’d they get the briefing together so fast? The same way they drive from one side of DC to the other in 2 minutes.

“What does that make us, CTU light?” - New Chloe, with the Quote of the Day

Potentially Framed Terrorist-types have breakfast early.

Tony’s Crew all drive Chryslers…wait for the Chrysler ad…

And there it is.

Wait…is Aaron bad? If he is, we will lose all faith in humanity.

Aaron should be President. We’ve said this in previous seasons.

“Maybe you want to take over.” - New Chloe
“Only if you want it to work right.” - Chloe

“Hello Big Brother.” - New Chloe, with an amazing line overshadowed by Jack’s crazy President Palmer Rant

Who leaves their glasses by the door unless they are sunglasses?

Oh…apparently a dead woman does.

Well…Special Agent Close Talker does appear to be dead. Or undead… (The blood on his lips is a dead giveaway.)

“If he (Jack) wants to die, he wants to do so on his own terms.” - The smartest thing Kim Bauer has ever said

“I think you would know by now that no one changes my dad’s mind when it’s made up.” - Kim, trumping her own amazing quote

Special Agent Red Hot is the master of the single tear.

Tony, Tony, Tony.

Madame President asks a lot of questions with incredulity in her voice.

Is MP considering allowing some torture? Please, let it be so.

Looks like the Bad Jonas Brother is at the end of the line…

Fake Blond Attorney keeps referring to “They.” Who is “They?” Oooohhh…Jonas doesn’t even know who They are.

Where is Jonas being held? First Daughter got there pretty fast…

Now we know who They is. Dang it…what was our nickname for that guy? Anyone remember? Was that Weasel? No…

Here’s hoping Jack gets to torture and kill Tony. Never thought we’d say it.

Is Jack going to go all CSI here?

Oh man…Jack knows. In seconds, Jack knows.

Wow. Kim’s kid really looks like Jack. Hopefully she has his voice, too.

“I’m concerned with their safety, not their happiness.” - SA Red Hot, learning some bedside manner from Jack

Jack’s a junkie again.

“I. Am. In. Pursuit.” - Ensign Red Shirt, channeling Captain Kirk

Looks like heart attacks happen faster than normal, just like driving in LA and DC.

SA Red Hot better not die.

Go Jack…figure it out…

Someday we want to hold guns and flashlights like cops.

Shouldn’t we wait for Denis Leary to show up before running into the warehouse? Nevermind…he’s in New York.

Someone give Jack a gun so he can get a kill.

He does have a gun!

Bye, Tony.

Oh man.

Jack!

We present, the best PSA ever…on so many levels.

24 Going Green PSA - Mary Lynn Rajskub

Old school wired ear piece: another reason Jack is awesome.
RP7 is only used for surface to surface missiles and they conveniently label the trucks “RP7.” Why not just paint “Surface to Surface Missile Fuel” on the side of the truck?
“Madame President, we need to talk.” - Jack Bauer
“No, Mr. Bauer, we don’t.” - MP (how dare she)

Is Jack going to the White House to help MP out? Please please please. That means some torture may be coming before he dies.

“I ordered Tony exfiltrated…what’s he doing there?” - MP, using a phrase we had to Google

Plausible Deniability, MP, Plausible Deniability.

“Look how easy it was to get bio weapons into our country.” - Bad Jonas Brother, as he blackmails MP
“Pick up the document, Madame President.” - Oh no you didn’t.

Oh Snap, Tony.

Just drive the truck over the missiles.

Nice work, Tony, nice work.

Where’s Perimeter Search Guy?

Wait a minute…the President doesn’t leave the room; those meeting with her do. This doesn’t bode well.
“You are a terrorist and a murderer and I will do everything in my power to make sure you pay dearly for your crimes.” - MP

And the Bad Jonas Brother isn’t the top bad guy…we have another. This is 24 form at its finest.

“Your visitor is here.” Kim?

Yup.

And now we reintroduce Hot CDC Doc. Even dying, Jack has his love interests. Hopefully the disease doesn’t turn him into a pansy.

“Daddy…” Awwww… On a side note, Kim bought some adult clothes. Good for her. She’s all growed up.

Shoot us now before we have to watch any more of this Soap Opera. Just break out the needles and take some of Kim’s stem cells already.

Oh Snap Again. Perimeter Search Guy is back. The agent trying to arrest him is like a Red Shirt Ensign on Star Trek. You know it’s only a matter of time before he’s dead.

And Red Shirt Ensign’s dead.

If Chloe was there, she would have located the truck already.

Looks like Perimeter Search Guy wants to chopper. Wait for it.

Oh Triple Snap. Tony! Best 24 twist ever!

OK, all, let’s vote. Is Tony bad for reals?

New Chloe is slowing transitioning to CTU. She now has the only Mac in a line of PCs.

Terrorist Voight is acting very Saddamesque: “WMDs? What WMDs?”

Is it possible to get Jack to Starkwood in 5 minutes? This could all be over so we can watch the MSU game…

Amazing how fast Jack can find an ally.

Tony’s very sneaky. What did he take off that dude?

“Doug Knowles…Jack Bauer sent me.” - The magic words.

Uh oh…Jack’s dying.

On a completely unrelated note, where’s Chloe? We miss Chloe.

The military is several hours out? This is happening in freaking Washington DC? Seriously?

“How you feeling, pumpkin?” - Madame President is like a President and a mom all wrapped up in one.
And First Daughter is being black mailed? Oh how sweet.

“There should be an R6 key thingamagiger…” - New Chloe
“I know what it is.” - Tony being very pissy, but we love it
Where’s Chloe? It would have been done already if Chloe were on that Mac.

Knowles is a good man.

“He have an explanation?” - Terrorist Voight
“Yeah, he said he was walking.”
Best. Excuse. Ever.

First Daughter…tsk tsk. Reporter Dude must really have something on her.

OK…now he’s Creepy Reporter Dude.

Now we have a slim chance Jack will live and it means bringing Kim back. Decisions, decisions.

Amazing that Tony is shocked that they know where he is. He used a key card for crying out loud!

Should we start counting Tony’s kills and tortures as Jack’s proxy? Oh…he has a Jack Sack now, too!

Should we give Jack a torture count (against himself) for refusing treatment?

“We have no information on subterranean floors in that building.” - New Chloe
“Trust me, they’re here.” - Tony

“Jonas…you can’t take on the Federal Government.” - Knowles’You never one for thinking big.” - Terrorist Voight

Ouch. That’s Waterford Crystal for ya. Strong stuff.

“You’re a good sport taking one for the team like this.” - Creepy Reporter Dude is really bad at pillow talk

What? He’s living up to his name.

Aaron’s been a Secret Service Agent long enough…he knows what just went down.

Oooohhh….look at the pretty rockets.

A proprietary line? We don’t know what it is, but we want one.

This episode brought to you by Sprint.

Is Terrorist Voight the Bad Jonas Brother? Yes, we believe that’s his new nickname.

And Madame President calls off the airstrike.

Awkward.

Hopefully this episode has less character development and more torture.

Is Jack gonna have to get naked and take one of those chemical showers?

“We need you to get undressed.” - Hot CDC Doc to Jack

“It’s not a reaction. I had these scars.” - Jack (just before exposing Jack Jr.)

Jack was exposed…and then he was exposed.

This week’s theme song sounds like the track to a Batman Movie.

Now that’s a badass way of delivering the WMD. They probably don’t even know how cool they look riding on the back of that semi.

Traitor Voight needs to take torture lessons from Jack Bauer. But not until he lets Tony go.

“You’re not going to say ‘no’ to your mother, are you?” - Madame President letting nepotism rule

“What’s this about?” - MP’s catch phrase of the day

Special Agent Red Hot and Special Agent Close Talker: What are the odds they end up back together?

Aaron!

We feel torn. We love Aaron but hate the First Daughter. What do we do if they become a team?

OK…so an invading force won’t work.

An air strike won’t work.

What if you just send Jack in?

Tony looks annoyed.

Good thing the bullets didn’t go through that guy and into Tony. Those defense contractors have fancy slow bullets.

Hot CDC Doc looks like Karen from The Office.

Uh oh…looks like we have a Love Quadrangle.

“I need to debrief you…” - SA Red Hot

Jeesh…Traitor Voight is a terrible actor. I guess that means Jon Voight is a good actor.

This episode brought to you by Cisco WebEx. (What is this? The Truman Show?)

OK…we don’t have a single computer without a built in webcam. But the FBI only has a crappy logitech webcam? And Starkwood too?

What if next season is just Jack spasming for 24 hours?

Why did the SEALS have to repel off the helicopter? It was a whole 20 feet from landing.

Starkwood just declared on the United States of America. Oh snap.

Time for Jack to go in.