jackballs \ˈjak -bȯlz\

Q&A with Jack: How come Mr. Lincoln's bed is so tall??

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 17:11:00 +0000

I recently received a reader Letter:

Hey Jack,

I recently was a guest at the White House and stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom. You know how it features a bed that's about 12' tall?? What gives?

Curious

Well, Curious, that's a great question. I did some crack research and if you're ready.... boys and girls, here's the story:

It turns out that after several years of saving, Mary Todd Lincoln bought a very nice bed at a fine bed mercantile and as the mattress quickly got a dip in it, was forced to use her warranty to replace it with another mattress. The Lincolns returned to the mercantile to choose another bed.

Soon after, that mattress got a lump in the padding and had to be replaced as well. The Lincolns had to trudge to the mercantile to find a replacement and were required to find a different brand as the original mattress was no longer manufactured.

A third mattress got a dip that exceeded the standard and was replaced shortly with an exact model replacement.

The fourth mattress got a lump in the padding and was replaced when, yet again, the Lincolns were forced to choose a new model.

The fifth was fantastic. Both Mary and Abe loved the bed and had a good few years of nice sleeping on it until one day, dammit, someone spilled coffee on it and the mattress cover company was unable to remove the stain so they replaced the mattress (much to the chagrin of the Lincolns who cried the night they found out).

Once more the couple went to the mercantile, forced to find another model with which to replace the beloved bed. They found a lovely one that came from the Simmons Beautyrest Black line... a top of the line plush pillowtop with the most incredible support, yet due to the top it felt as if they floated on it each night.

Then they got a job in Washington and had to move.

When they got to the new digs (which you'd have figured someone could've taken the time to paint some color other than white!!) they found the sidewall of the mattress had popped out a bit. They each knew it would be an easy fix that either could have done with a simple needle and thread, but alas, to fix it would be to void the ever-important warranty.

With much hesitation, they contacted the store whose service area they now were no longer in and who told the Lincolns that they had to contact the manufacturer directly.

The manufacturer sent a representative to the bland house to make a report on the bed and he concluded that, indeed, the warranty would replace the mattress.

The kicker this time, however, was that the manufacturer told the Lincolns that they would not be swapping out the mattresses - but rather they could keep and/or dispose of the mattress in question at their leisure.

The Lincolns, knowing a good thing, decided that a $3000 mattress is nothing to toss away so they got out the needle and thread, fixed the mattress, and had the new mattress (complete with warranty intact) delivered to them.

As they had no spare room at the time (no, they could not use the 'blue room') they had no idea what could be done with the (now) extra mattress and so they decided rather than risk bed-bugs or other storage woes, they would simply stack the mattresses until another solution presented itself.

The result of stacking two 16" mattresses on one another (on top of an 8" foundation) was a bed that required step ladders to get into.

Alas, dear reader, the worst part was the gag that the kitchen staff at the white house played on Mrs. Lincoln when they put a pea underneath the mattress robbing her of at least three nights' sleep before she realized the problem.

And that is how the Lincoln bed came to be so tall.

What Jackball Decided Snow in the Country Was a Good Idea?

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 14:49:00 +0000

Snow sucks. That's all there is to it.

Oh, sure it's pretty (at least for the first few days), but then it gets gray and dirty and slushy and then it freezes and gets icy. Add to that the fact that I'm sitting in lock up 15 miles from the nearest bit of civilization and I might as well be Jack Torrance running through a labyrinth. At least Jack had the run of the old inn. A pool table and a bar, you know?

Oh, what I'd give for a pool table and a bar. S--T!! How about a pool table IN a bar!

Well, one can dream. In the meantime, I have dial-up f---ing internet and the in-laws to look forward to.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!

All work and no play makes Jackballs!!

What do you think, loyal reader?

Copyright © 2010, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Jackball Advice: Keep that Career or Enjoy a Corporate C--k-Block

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 18:09:00 +0000

Oh, sure you f-cked up, you Jackball, but fear not, there is still hope.

I've recently come to find out, while freezing my a-- off in a coffee house (that has been rated favorite coffee house in town for the last century, it would seem, by vacationing Inuit), that in a down economy when you're in a career that, as it turned out, is not as good as it was pitched to you when you started it 15 years ago, it's possible to find a way for someone else to subsidize your education so that you can go back to school.

This is win-win right??? Going back to college is the best way to get drunk, get laid, and ostensibly, to get paid more for that job that you hate to do. The challenge of the whole thing is to get the someone else to pay for it.

So here's what I've found out: It would seem that there are a number of programs around that will allow you to get an Master's, MBA, JD, etc., with the following caveats:

You have to go to the school the Corporate b--tards tell you to, usually in the hometown of the corporate office of the company that's footing the bill (usually full tuition plus small monthly STIPEND)
You have to work a PAID internship for 10-15 hours per week (holy, s--t
You have to actually COMMIT to working for them for 2 years after you get the degree

Now I ask you, dear reader, would you want to go to school for free while earning a degree, while getting a job (and stipend) to help you through it, and then you're guaranteed a job afterward?

To quote jackball (and House Majority Leader-Elect) John Boehner, "HELL NO"!!

That would totally SUCK. That would take all of the fear and loathing out of school. That would completely eliminate all that uncertainty about how you're going to pay off all of those loans which would, in turn, cause you NOT to put your head in the sand and live in a fantasy world of co-eds and free beer, but rather focus on studying and actually attempt to finish as soon as possible with the best education you can get before those corporate fat cats change their damn minds.

That's why I say it's a coporate c--k-block!!!

Well, there's always the other option - work your a-- off to find a job by taking meetings with an HR rep in an ice cold coffee house (no, I don't mean they're a coffee house that serves ice coffee. I mean, they do, but that's not the point a--hole!!) which might lead to another 10 or so years of work, OR you could go back to school, work your a-- off and then try to not be in a career that will shrivel up and die before anyone realizes that you're an old jackball who hasn't any real skills.

Copyright © 2009, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

How bad does it suck that I'm apparently allergic to my new home?

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 21:12:00 +0000

Yes, dear reader, I know that I've been gone for a while here - I've moved across the great expanse that is the American landscape and landed in the middle of the country in a house that is, like a fine cheese, well-aged.

It would seem as well that what I thought might be a reaction to fleas or poison ivy is, in all likelihood, rather a reaction to an allergen that is simply present in the home. I add to my dilemma the fact that the home in question is located about 20 miles away from anything of interest (other than a Denny's, Dunkin Donut, or liquor store - now that I think about it, what else does one really need?!?).

Regardless, the fact remains that this city-boy does not thrive well in a country environment. I was informed by Mrs. Jack that I needn't lock the doors to the car as there is little worry of a band of raccoons stealing my car - but I know, as I'm sure you do, that those raccoons are a wily bunch capable of anything if they simply stand on each others shoulders and wear a long trench. Besides, the only thing that differs between raccoons and us are a few million years of evolution. They have opposable thumbs people!!

I mean look at this prime example of raccoon bastardry.This is how it starts - cute and cuddly - but then they get mean. Real mean.

Hey, if you're a jackball, point your opposable thumb at yourself!! There. See?!?!?

Well, I hope that my long absence hasn't dissuaded you from following my rantings. I admit it - I've been a jackball for being gone so long. There I said it.

Your thoughts?

How I Know Someone Loves Me

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 07:00:00 +0000

Call me a Jackball, but I'm speechless - finally a toilet paper company is looking after us to help fight dingleberries.

Thanks, Charmin!!

Copyright © 2010, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

The Start of the MLB Season

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 16:42:00 +0000

Hello you gorgeous bastards.... time for another post and apologies for taking my time - last post was near Valentine's Day (that bastion of Hallmark's jackball hold on American men's balls - but don't get me started there).

Today is the start of the MLB regular season. That's right - today's opening game is New York Yankees v. Boston Red Sox in a game that I can only describe in advance as 'wicked good fun'. That the rivalry has been ongoing for decades now and it's only been getting better as the teams themselves continue to get stronger and stronger makes the anticipation worthwhile.

But I want to appeal to all the die hard fans out there - the jackballs that hurl insults at the umps and make the guy taking his kid to the ballgame cringe when all he really wants to do is let his kids experience a major league sports event and enjoy a Dodger Dog.

I want to see more of you paying attention to the soccer fans. We need more flags at the games, more beer imbibed (play beer-an-inning fellas), more vulgar and profanity laden epithets, more fights in the stands (b---h slap fights would be perfect), and for God's sake more fish-n-chips vans outside the stadiums for our long trip to parking area FF!

Let's face it, the jackball American Baseball fan doesn't really open the proper proverbial can of whoop a-- that the world's soccer fans do and it's really disappointing. I mean who doesn't want to watch the evening news and see a large scale fight in the stands of a stadium?

Everyone knows that the jackballs watching NASCAR are only waiting for a crash, right? People watching hockey wait for the 'checks'; those watching football look for the guy to land on his neck; and those who follow the PGA are waiting for a 50 year old golfer to finally find the (dimpled) balls to toss a 9-iron at Tiger for leaving them in the lurch for 4 months.

So get out there fans and make a young mother clamp her hands around her 5-year-old's ears. Make an old man mutter a 'tsk tsk' under his breath as he longs for the good ol' days. Yell from the seats in the back row of the upper mezzanine deck to the umpire, because he's sure to hear you call him a 'lying, cheating, son-of-a-b---h who couldn't see a f-----g ball if it hit you in your f-----g p---y' when you yell it to him from up there amongst 35,000 fans.

Com'on guys - let's do this thing!!!

As a separate note, this is my first year playing Fantasy Baseball and my team, "Hooked on 'Roids" is doing very well (we're in second place and the season hasn't start yet). I'll provide updates to the status of the team as the season progresses.

I have the team line up below - for those of you who follow baseball, I say, "hell, yeah, that's a f-----g team!" - for those of you who don't, I say, "check out all the names you might recognize."

Well, have a good season everyone and remember when you're at the stadium, there are a few people who just want to enjoy a good game. Don't be the jackball that ruins it for them.

Here's the Line-Up


C	Jorge Posada (NYY - C)
1B	Mark Teixeira (NYY - 1B)
2B	Dan Uggla (Fla - 2B)
3B	Chipper Jones (Atl - 3B)
SS	Jason Bartlett (TB - SS)
CI	Mark DeRosa (SF - 1B,3B,OF)
MI	Alexei Ramirez (CWS - SS)
OF	Ichiro Suzuki (Sea - OF)
OF	Manny Ramirez (LAD - OF)
OF	Johnny Damon (Det - OF)
OF	Jason Heyward (Atl - OF)
Util	Martin Prado (Atl - 1B,2B,3B)
BN	Yadier Molina (StL - C)
BN	J.D. Drew (Bos - OF)
BN	Adam LaRoche (Ari - 1B)


SP	Roy Halladay (Phi - SP)
SP	Chris Carpenter (StL - SP)
SP	Cliff Lee (Sea - SP)
SP	Derek Lowe (Atl - SP)
RP	Billy Wagner (Atl - RP)
RP	Phil Hughes (NYY - SP,RP)
RP	Kenshin Kawakami (Atl - SP,RP)
P	Tim Hudson (Atl - SP)
P	Clay Buchholz (Bos - SP)
P	Takashi Saito (Atl - RP)

I Know it's Valentine's Day, but We're in a Recession Aren't We???

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 08:00:00 +0000

Seriously, what the f--k is this?!?!?!

Are these "Hug-e-Gram" jackballs f--kin' serious?

Here's how you know that we're not in a second Great Depression - people will BUY THIS CRAP.

Sister Sarah - F--kin' Jackball

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 05:50:00 +0000

While the White House is working to try and alleviate the pressure the country is under with all of the mismanagement from the prior administration, Queen B---h, Sarah Palin, is out there at the National Tea Party Convention whining about President Obama as if a) she actually has any plans of her own and b) she actually has a clue as to what it takes to govern.

"This is about the people it's a lot bigger than any charismatic guy with a teleprompter," she said, reading from a teleprompter. "Let us not get bogged down in the small squabbles. Let us get caught up in the big ideas."

WHAT THE F--K?!?!?? This from the woman who can't actually articulate a single plan in any detail?? Managing a household requires a higher level of specificity than anything I've ever heard her talk about. Managing a country would take even more.

Hey, Sarah, I have a big idea for you - SHUT THE F--K UP!!!!

Okay, now so I don't seem biased and a mouthpiece for the left, please let me say that I do have to give her credit where credit is due.

Sarah has done an amazing job parlaying a crap modeling career into a Governorship and then a huge payout as a paid TV personality without actually doing any real work in any of those capacities.

I gotta say I'd become a national laughing stock for a s--t ton of money, too, at this point. I'll be the first to admit it, I have no pride these days - I'll do what it takes to feed and house my kids, so, I kind of get her.

You?

Copyright © 2010, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

It's Not Your Fault (this Time) - It's Jim Cramer's

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 05:42:00 +0000

So, dear readers, I recently have found myself in the midst of the umpteen millions of you that are unemployed (Really, Jack, but I thought this was your job?? I know, right?? Who knew that I don't get paid for writing this crap?) and I have to say that I find it far more troubling than last year when I was in the midst of the umpteen millions of you that are simply under employed and earned only 40% of my normal salary.

Now, I can read the tea leaves as well as the next guy, and frankly, whenever I hear Jim Cramer (Jackball) tell a member of the Today Show cast that he thinks "we've seen the worst of it," my balls jump back inside and I have to run to the bathroom to keep from pissing myself in fear.

While I sit here nearly on my way to chucking a 3-bedroom house into storage and moving back in with the in-laws or my own parents in less than 60 days, I am hopeful that the long-term work that I have been doing at my company will pay off. I hope that Jackb- er- Jim Cramer is right. I'd love nothing more than for this ridiculous recession to be over and done with. How about you?

In my case, I've been fired from jobs for being a jackball, myself (hard to believe, I know). I also know what it is to f--k up and earn the consequence of your actions. Those of you who have been laid off in this environment, however, know that's not why you're out of work and at least for me, I have to say what kills me is that, intellectually, I know that it's not "my fault." At the same time, emotionally, it feels like it is - I'm sure that's a natural response - maybe you understand or have felt that yourself.

Let's find out - I'd like to hear your stories readers. I'd like to know what you're feeling these days.

Copyright © 2010, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Separation of Church and Brain

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 18:05:00 +0000

Recently, I received an email requesting a boycott of the new USPS stamp honoring the Muslim holidays of Eid Al-Fitr and Eid Al-Adha with the note to "adamantly & vocally BOYCOTT this stamp, when you are purchasing your stamps at the post office."

Who's the jackball that started this s--t???

While we're at it, let's boycott the Christmas stamps and the Hannukah stamps, too.

REMEMBER it was the Christians killed and tortured non-Christians during the Spanish Inquisition.

REMEMBER it was the Christians killed and tortured non-Christians during the Crusades.

REMEMBER it was the Christians burned and drowned 'witches' during the Salem Witch hunts.

REMEMBER it was the Christians were largely responsible for the Rwandan Massacres.

REMEMBER it was the Christians and Jews both collected African peoples, treating them as less than animals during the slave trades.

REMEMBER it was the Christians and Jews both were active participants in the South African apartheid.

REMEMBER it was the Jews preformed 'ethnic cleansing' of indigenous peoples living in the region of Canaan after leaving Egypt and ruled the land for a period of some 750 years until the Assyrian rule.

REMEMBER it was the Jews who waged terrorist attacks against both Romans and other Jews who they deemed to be heretics during the Roman rule of Israel.

All religions of the world have had a checkered past for one reason or another. Despite the message of the peace, love and the golden rule, they are populated by human beings with their weaknesses and human failings.

The fact is that the current wave of terror in our world IS perpetrated by Islamic Extremists - but those ARE the minority. No good Christian would want to be thought of as a one of Torquamada's henchmen. No good Jew would want to be grouped in with militant apartheid overlords. No good Muslim would want to be thought of as a Islamic Terrorist.

Let's do our best to separate the religion from the extremists. They are NOT one and the same.

As far as I'm concerned the Islamic terrorists can burn in Hell for eternity - but so can the Christian terrorists, the Jewish terrorists, the Nazi terrorists, the Irish terrorists, the African terrorists, the Kurtish terrorists, the....

Com'on readers - don't be a jackball - use your head and act with a conscience.

Copyright © 2010, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

At What Point Should One Lose One's Right to Free Speech?

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 06:54:00 +0000

I know what you're thinking: Who the f--k is this Jackball to question other people's right to free speech?

Let me clarify to you, dear readers, that neither the jackballs blog nor I personally condone, suggest, or represent that one's First Ammendment rights be revoked. That would be un-American, for one, and just poor sportsmanship, for another.

I'm talking about a higher power - at what point should the Universe, God, Karma, the Devil, the Fates, or the friggin' Force come over to you with a f--kin' mute stick and whack you over the head with it a few times.

By now, everyone is familiar with basics of the horrible tragedy in Haiti. We all have seen the pictures of the devastation, the homeless people hunkering down in the streets, the aftershock after aftershock after aftershock, the dead buried amidst the ruble of the small shanty towns. To see these images and not to be moved to want to do something is to be inhumane at best, un-human at worst.

And yet, there are those who can't learn to shut the f--k up.

Giant fat ass and white supremacist Rush Limbaugh actually tried to use this tragedy to suggest that President Obama was going to ride the coattails of a major world tragedy and the deaths of tens of thousands to try and gain favor in the black community.

This will play right into Obama's hands, humanitarian, compassionate. They'll use this to burnish their - shall we say - credibility with the black community - in the, the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It's made to order for them.

That motherf--ker.

And on donating money through links on the White House website, he offered this gem:

Would you trust that the money is going to go to Haiti? Would you trust that your name is going to end up on a mailing list for the Obama people to start asking you for campaign donations for him and other causes? Besides we've already donated to Haiti it's called the US income tax.

Then as if on cue (after any natural disaster) - instead of helping or spreading love, or encouraging his flock (of sheeple) to help, or to come up with some ridiculous reason why bad things happen to good people in order to give others hope - instead, televangelist Pat Robertson suffered what my third grade teacher might have called "diarrhea of the mouth" and managed to declare why bad things happen to non-Christian, non-700 Club watching people:

And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you‘ll get us free from the French. It‘s a true story. So the devil said, OK, it‘s a deal. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other, desperately poor.

They need to have, and we need to pray for them, a great turning to God.

That island of Hispaniola is one island. It is cut down the middle on the one side is Haiti the other is the Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc. Haiti is in desperate poverty.

Wow. Thanks for clearing that up for us Pat. So the African-born slaves and their children shouldn't have risen up against their oppressive European (in this case, French) taskmasters and fought for their right to live freely on this earth? They shouldn't have had the same freedoms that you say you so fervently believe in.

You know, Pat, maybe if the people in New Orleans got together with the people of Haiti and they all made a pact with the Devil, he might shut you the f--k up. Ya think? S--t, I think I'll sign on for an eternity in hell for that one.

For those of you non-Jackballs who wish to actually do something to help your fellow man, you can use any of the following links below. Do what you can - even if it's only a buck or two. If the tables were turned, you'd want them to help you.

And if you don't think a little money will help, let me share the words of Frmr. President Clinton yesterday at the United Nations:

A lot of people out here in the United States and around the world want to help. And the temptation is to send things that you imagine will be need. We do not have the logistical and organizational capacity right now to handle a lot of things. We‘ve got to save as many lives as possible and keep the people who are wounded as healthy as possible and give water to people where there‘s no more clean water and feed them. That‘s what we need.

So, the most important thing individuals can do who care is to send cash, even if it‘s $1 or $2.

The following links are for donations that will go directly to help in Haiti:

Red Cross Haiti Relief and Development - or Text 90999 to Donate $10
Doctors Without Border
Oxfam America
Yéle Haiti - or Text 501501 to Donate $5

Don't be a Jackball - help today.

Copyright © 2010, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Another White House Party Crasher!?!?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 05:09:00 +0000

OMFG!!!! Are you kidding me?!?!?!

http://jackballs.blogspot.com/2009/11/reader-question-hey-jack-whaddaya-make.html

Copyright © 2009, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

"10 Things Husbands Should Never Do"

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 06:23:00 +0000

Recently, Yahoo! posted an article called, “10 Things Husbands Should Never Do” by Diane Oatis (apparently reprinted from Woman’s Day Magazine).

I would be willing to cut Ms. Oatis some slack here, given that her husband is apparently a douche of the highest proportion, but when reading her “10 Things” I’m inclined to suggest that perhaps Ms. Oatis should have thought long and hard about her choice in mate rather than hook up with that guy she met at the frat party/local bar.

Believe it or not, there are some men who aren’t jackballs. I certainly won’t defend the lot of us, but there are a few that have a bit of common sense and decency straining to get out (like a belly through a button after Thanksgiving dinner).

In deference to the many women out there who think like Ms. Oatis (and yes, you all are jackballs, too), here’s my line by line commentary on her thought-provoking list.

Guys, we love you, we really do. But as wonderful as you are, every so often you do something that makes us want to jump out the nearest window (or push you out first). Please, please, don’t ever…

Ladies, we love you, too – honestly. But just as much as drivel like this makes you want to go, “Uh huh, you go sister!!” we have to choke back just a little vomit as it comes up to the top of our throats.

1. Offer to “babysit” your own kids. When your 16-year-old neighbor does it, it’s called babysitting. When a parent does it, it’s called child care, and it lasts for at least 18 years. Get it?

Ok…. Cool. From now on, we’ll call it “lock down?!?

Seriously… it’s an effing word. Get a grip. Ok, so if I playfully suggest that I “babysit” while you go out and do something, that’s wrong.

Fine – I promise not to offer to do that again.

2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. At the end of a hard day, there may be smoke coming out of your ears, but let’s face it: You’ve basically been sitting on your butt. That same smoke is coming out of our ears too—but we’ve cleaned the house, shuttled the kids around, run errands all over town and lugged grocery bags besides. When we say we’re exhausted, we are exhausted.

Sure, office work is mostly sitting in one place. Sounds easy, right?

Let’s trade places though – you try to spend 10 hours sitting in an uncomfortable office chair, not moving, and staring at a fixed-distance, flat monitor that makes your eyes feel like someone’s sticking pins in them, all the while trying to get some insipid bit of data processing or letter writing or other crap, busy-work done while someone 3 feet away from you hums the theme to Baywatch over and over.

Then when you’ve finally gotten to the point that you can drown them out with your own thoughts of your failed life, have someone come and interrupt you to do a menial task that they could have done themselves in less time than it would take them to walk to you. Once you’ve sorted that, lather, rinse, and repeat so that you spend the entire day doing the one goddamn thing that should’ve only taken you about ½ hour were it not for all of the interruptions.

When you’re done, get your feet to actually propel you out of the chair (that your ass now closely resembles), find your way to your car (in the dark, since the office has yet to install those parking lot safety lights), drive home (trying to focus on ANYTHING that’s more than 18” from your head, and then be assaulted by children who either a) want to jump all over you from not seeing you all day, b) want to escape the wretched witch that has been beating them, or c) force the woman who you married to yell that “it’s your fault that the little bastard lit the carpet on fire and you go and deal with them because I’ve had it!”

When the children are finally asleep, spend the remaining 2 hours of your night paying bills.

Wow…. when I think about it like that, my cushy office job sounds like a f—king vacation.

3. Give a home appliance as a gift. Forgive us if we can’t work it up for this one. A new washing machine? Really? Can we get you some new snow tires?

Diane, you ignorant slut!!

In this economy you should be damn lucky you can afford the necessities, never mind the extras. You don’t want the washing machine as a gift. Sure, fine, I totally understand that. I’m not insensitive to your wishes. I’ll buy you that beautiful anniversary bracelet and for stocking stuffers an aluminum tub and a washboard.

You know what I got for a holiday gift? Nothing, because I’m busting my ass trying to make a living in this s--tstorm we call a “recession.”

4. Buy us the “cougar” perfume. Under our crew-neck sweaters may beat the heart of an untamed vixen—but most of us don’t want to smell like one. (Nice try, though.)

Wow. So you want the expensive gift, but you don’t want to smell good for us?

Hmm…. Tell you what – act like the girl I fell head over heels with (you know the one that had sex with me while driving 80 down the I-19 corridor just before I dropped her off after driving 260 miles back from campus so she could surprise her mother for Christmas) and I’ll give you the same kind of gifts I gave you back then.

Come to think of it… didn’t I give you some perfume that Christmas??

5. Brag about your driving. This is supposed to let us know that ours isn’t so great. If my husband tells me one more time that he’s been “accident-free since 1978,” I’m going to reach over, grab the wheel and make the car swerve into something, just to shut him up.

Umm… the phrase is “Accident-free since Eighty-three” – or ‘73 or ‘93 or ‘03. You see it’s supposed to rhyme and be cute.

Remember ladies, you’re gentlemen are going to brag about the only things we have any control over. When we’re behind the wheel, you can’t really f—k with that. Our lives are generally a series of one “have to” after the next, so when we can exert some control over an area of life (small as it may be) then we’ll do so. And if we do well at it, we’re gonna celebrate it.

This holds true for driving, fantasy football league, the amount of ketchup we put on our eggs, the strength and stamina of our erections, and what kind of beer we choose to drink. (I’m sure that there’s something else, but I forget just what at the moment).

6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. I don’t know whose fault this is (Food Network? Julie and Julia?), but every so often we get the idea that it would be fun to make stock and spend the day basting. If the result is less than earth-shattering, say something nice anyway.

I’m with you here, D. You should get credit and accolades for extra trouble for a good meal. S--t, if I make a good meal for you, I’d like to know you appreciate the effort.

But you and I both know that not every meal you say you spent all day on is something you spent all day doing – you and I both know that there’s a lot that can look, taste, or smell good that is simple. And I’m not going to go bonkers for everything you make – not even all the things that you work really hard on.

In the same way, I don’t expect you to orgasm every time we have sex. It’s just not a realistic expectation. Oh, sure, I’m definitely going to work hard to see that you enjoy it – but do I want you to fake it if you don’t?

You’re not really helping anyone with that approach. Are you?

7. Buy clothes without trying them on. We know that the second you get into a department store you start to feel faint, but do us a favor and take the extra five minutes. Otherwise, you know who gets stuck with the returns?

F—k you.

You know why we shop in five minutes and you get “stuck” with all the returns? It’s really simple. By the time we get out of the office and get to the store, the first thing we hear is, “Hello, [Name of Store] shoppers. [Name of Store] will be closing in five minutes. Please make your selections and take them to the nearest register and we will be glad to help you with your purchase.”

Weekends are no better. We can use the 30 minutes between Little League and the gymnastics meet to go shop, but, unfortunately, little Jack has to get his hair cut.

Tell you what – I’ll go and get the clothes, and if they don’t fit, we can keep them until the kids grow into them.

8. Know it all, especially in public. Oh, honey. While you’re going on at length about whatever it is, we’re taking the temperature of the room, and we know everyone’s starting to fidget.

Hey, Diane, thanks for the constructive criticism. I mean it. I didn’t realize I was coming across like that. Thank you.

NOTE to Jackballs readers:

I’m being sincere here, you cynical bastards ~ learn to take a little criticism ~ you got nothing to be touchy about. Cool?

Nothing but love for ya!!

– Jack

9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. Sometimes getting a new cut goes well; sometimes it doesn’t. Usually we know the difference. Don’t rub it in.

That’s not us being assholes. That’s us being in shock that you thought that the haircut that you saw on the professional model/actress would actually suit you. Hell, you don’t even have the same type of hair as her. Hers is straight and fine and yours is thick and wavy.

Honestly, we’re not trying to rub it in. But, I mean, come on. Who are you tying to kid?

10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Umm…it’s your house too, right? For now, we’ll give you the bronze. Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you can pick up a gold.

Okay, but don't say a f—king word when I ask you to get out there and figure out a way to turn your sweatshirt bedazzling hobby into some extra money so that we can pay for the new washing machine that you overstuffed (I mean, s--t you just said I wasn't doing the housework) since we used all the cash I earned on an anniversary bracelet and some perfume (that, apparently, you didn't want).

Alright, so I just read my responses and I've got one more thing to say - I take it back - that bit where I said that her guy was a jackball. Nope, I'm going to reconsider. He's not a jackball - he's a scapegoat.

Reader Question: Hey Jack, whaddaya make of those White House party crashers??

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 08:17:00 +0000

Tareq Salahi, a polo-playing winemaker, and his wife, Michaele Salahi recently crashed the first Obama Administration State Dinner at the White House.

Now let's face facts, there are so many Jackballs involved in this story, I'm not really quite sure where to begin, so let's go alphabetically:

The District Socialites
It's cool - we'll call your rich @$$es out on this one. Did NO ONE notice that Tareq and Michaele hadn't called ANY of you to ask if you wanted to ride in together? This is a f--king state dinner - and not just any f--king state dinner - it's the Obama's first one. This is something you share with friends, baby.

If you get invited to the White House for a party, you go, right?? Right. And because it's a party, you find out who else you know might be there, right?? Right. And if you are both going (and let's face it, when you're invited to the White House, you go) you ask, "Hey, wanna split a limo? It'll be fun.. and then afterwards we can go hit the White Castle - f--kin' A, man - White House and White Castle in one night?!??! SWEET!!!" Right?? Right.

So all of you District Jackballs - yeah, we're talking to you - you should have said something to the Secret Service when Tareq and Michaele turned up in line behind you and you didn't know they were coming.

The Salahis
You guys are NOT just some idiots that rolled up from an Arkansas mobile park (with all due respect to those who come from mobile parks in Arkansas). Apparently, these are some rich f--kers that live the high life in the District. Socialites with a nose for money.

That said, was it just some idea of a joke for you two Jackballs to show up to a White House event, dressed to the nines (yes, Mrs. Salahi looked f--kin' hot, didn't she????) and work the place like the guests of honor or were you just intent on getting to the party to keep up with the Joneses who were actually invited? Is this your idea of Punk'd for the jet-setters?

Just as an aside to all those of you looking to crash parties of your own (though the editors of Jackballs neither condone or suggest doing so), check out the absolute commitment these two jokers made. They were in character the whole time - not a second of wavering. Of course they were meant to be there!! By God, if you're going to crash a party - you gotta play all the way.

Anyway, what could possibly have made these two chance jumping to international attention, getting shot at, arrested, etc., by crashing THIS particular party? They had to have known that someone was going to have a camera.

And, of course, that was the plan all along. Get to the party. Sneak in the door. Greet the Prez. Sell the story. Wear a bikini on Real Housewives. As if you thought they just wanted to meet the Prez.

The Secret Service
Really????? You didn't check the list? Really? Chuck E. Cheese checks the f--king list. Are you effing kidding me?

Let's just go through this logically for a sec....

These two are in line, looking suave and rich - I get it. And as we mentioned, they were acting the part, but you're the goddamn US Secret Service. Now, it seems, Martin Scorcese and Ang Lee are going to have to fight to the death to decide who gets to cast them for their next film - hey, with acting chops like that everyone wants to cast them as their next Oscar bait.

Look, Secret Service, I know that you used to be run by Treasury - so if you are just a bunch of accountants with guns (yeah, we can play that way), then at least make sure that all the people are accounted for (column A has to add up to column B). If, on the other hand, now that you're part of DHS, you're a bunch of Jack Bauer style operatives with a single-minded purpose of protecting POTUS then you f--king better check the goddamn list, especially when the people that you let in are NOT just some Bill and Buffy Baxter from Georgetown. No, do some f--king profiling and double check that Tareq and Michaele Salahi could, potentially, not belong. And, yes, I said "profiling."

I know what you're thinking - you ran them through the metal detector and used your magic wands and s--t - they're cool. Okay, fine. I'll buy that you had the new guy pat down ol' fatty there, and the guy with 10 years service and a birthday the next week got to feel up Michaele a bit (nice).... but unless she stopped to shtoop your whole security detail while her husband voluntarily waited in a holding cell, you can't just let 'em in.

The Public
Yeah, f--k you. I know I said alphabetical.

You bastards need to stop giving a s--t about people like these two, the Jackball who (didn't) put his kid in a baloon, the (non) celebrities on "Get Me Outta Here...", b--ches like Omarosa on "reality" shows, etc.

Those of you out there following all the so-called reality, TMZ, Hollywood gossip, "Real" Housewives, and the like, are part of the problem. It is you that is creating this culture of anyone and everyone trying to become a little fame whore.

It's one thing for someone like a Susan Boyle to try and better her life by going on a TV programme (not a typo - she's British) and actually showing a bit of talent - it's an entirely different thing for some @$$ monkey from Peoria to have himself sent half-way around the world to live on an island starving for a month and compromising his morals and ethics for a tiny morsel of food in the name of fame while a horde of well-fed cameramen film him for your entertainment.

Hell, even Ms. Boyle had to endure your sneering and cynicism until she started to sing because God forbid that an not-so-attractive 50-something can sing - in your mind she has to look like Shakira or Fergie in order to have a voice (even though in both those cases you're not thinking about what's coming out of their mouths when you watch them, are you?).

To sum it up, I think the party crashers are the least of the problem. Kudos to them for pulling it off and f--k the rest of you for caring that they did.

Copyright © 2009, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Tech Support is populated by Jackballs

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:37:00 +0000

So tonight I tried to reach tech support for a hard drive data recovery software.

By the end of the call I realized that I was simply waiting around until Charles, the techie, read the manual and then insisted I do what's in there - regardless of the fact that I was telling him that it wasn't working according to the manual.

Here is the unedited tech support session:

Welcome Jack! Your request has been directed to the Support department. Please wait for our operator to answer your call...

Call accepted by operator Charles. Currently in room: Charles, Jack

Jack: Hey Charles...real quick question here...

Charles: Hi Jack, Welcome to XXXX XXXXXXX Live Chat Support

Jack: I'm using your NTFS Data Recovery software.... I've scanned my driver and saved the file Tree.

Now, I want it to save EVERY file that is available there are a lot of folders down the left hand folder tree and when I go to SAVE ALL it only saves the first folder. How do I get it to go through ALL of them?

Charles: Could you please provide your order id?

Jack: Sure. The Order ID is XXXXXXXXXX-XXXXX-XXXXXX

(A solid 2 mintues goes by with no response.)

Jack: Are you still there?

Charles: Yes. Kindly hold for a moment and would get back to you shortly.

Jack: ty

(Another 2 mintues goes by with no response.)

Charles: Thank you for being on hold.

Jack: np

Charles: Could you please tell the size the data that you would like to save.

Jack: According to the software: 26.728 GB in 19578 Files in 6698 Folders

Charles: Could you please tell me to which location are you looking to save the data?

Jack: I have a separate HD that has 607GB free

Charles: You have the save all option to save all the data at a time.

Jack: I think I mentioned that I did that - it doesn't actually save all of the folders.

Charles: Go to the tools menu and click save all option the save the data.

Jack: Again, I said that I already did that.

Charles: Go the root folder right-click on it and click save button.

Jack: Yeah - I've done that, too, Charles, but it's NOT WORKING

Charles: Could you please tell me what happened?

Jack: It saves the first folder and stops.

Charles: Please select the few folders and try to save it.

Jack: What are you talking about? It only lets you select one folder at a time.

Charles: I just want you to try that and see are you facing same issue.

Jack: I can only select one folder at a time.

Charles: I know you are looking to save all the data at one time, ok.

Jack: Yes, thank you for catching up with me, Charles.

Charles: Are you able to save the data one folder at a time?

Jack: Um, Chuck, Are you having this conversation with me? Let's try this... tell me if this sounds like it'll work, Charles. If I click on the # folder and then select all of the thumbnail folders in the Right Pane and THEN hit save all.... will that work?

Charles: Actually if you right click on # and click it on save it is supposed to save all the data.

Jack: Great... that's not working, you're repeating yourself, and I'm actually getting this to work on my own.

Charles: No its not that, that is how it is supposed to work and i am just figuring out ok, as of now. Please save the data one folder at a time and make sure you save all the data.

Jack: There are 6698 folders. I'm not going through them one at a time.

Charles: Are you able to save the data one folder at a time?

Jack: Yeah, I'm past that, now, Chuck. Doing it as I self-diagnosed is working, regardless of what the instructions that you're reading say (and by the way, I already read the help doc, so you're simply wasting my time while reading the same information I have).

Charles: So are you able to save from one folder?

Jack: Are you tech SUPPORT or just a Jackball? As you've done nothing to actually help me here, I'm done.

NOTE TO COMPANIES WHO HIRE TECH SUPPORT: Tech support should know more about the product than what's in the manual.

Copyright © 2009, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Jackballs both sit and sleep

noreply@blogger.com (Jack) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:44:00 +0000

Today's post from the "you've got to be f---ing kidding me" files....

A few years ago we purchased a bed set from a well known So. Cal bed showroom and have, over the years, dealt with them on warranty exchanges. Generally speaking, they have been willing to do what they're required by their contracts (read them carefully when you buy) with a little prodding. But what they lack in willingness to provide exceptional customer service, they make up for in sheer stupidity.

This one just goes over the top.

We were supposed to be getting a delivery of a new mattress to replace the one that we have. We were told, last Saturday, that they would deliver on the following Friday or Saturday (yesterday) and that we'd receive a call to confirm when a day or so in advance.

The week went by with no phone call from them at all, so we went about our weekend.

Today is Sunday and my cell phone rings at 12:35p with a call from the company to confirm our address (as the delivery truck is outside of the address they have and cannot find us).

I asked if they'd considered giving us a notice or if they'd just hoped that we might be home, since today was Sunday and they said they'd deliver Friday or Saturday and I'd received no confirmation call. They apologized but said that the truck was outside trying to find me, so I asked what address they had.

The woman then proceeds to give me an address that I haven't lived at for over 6 years (the one on hand the very first time we purchased with them) and that is about 100 miles away from where I currently live. Then she says they tried to confirm the delivery by calling a phone number I haven't used in nearly 4 years.

JACKBALLS!!!

We'll see if they can actually update the address this time (and confirm it in advance with our actual phone number) - and now we have to wait until Tuesday to get our delivery.

Well, at least our mattress is FREEEEEEEE!!

Copyright © 2009, Jackballs Blog. All Rights Reserved.