Jade & Josh

Stupid Advertising

2012-04-24T22:49:00.000+08:00

Advertising is a fine art. When it is done right it can be brilliant and amazing... but when it is done wrong it achieves the exact opposite of what companies pay advertisers to achieve. It makes the company look ridiculous.

Tonight I saw an advert for hair loss treatment, you know the type... very cheesy and optimistic.
"Come and see our haircare professionals and we'll give you the head of a baby gorilla."
"Wow mortgaging my house to pay for these treatments will totally be worth it, thank you haircare specialists for allowing me to experience the glory days of my youth again."
*Cut to before and after shots of people using the treatment, first one : yep hes got his hair back looking good buddy. Second lot of shots, the before picture was a gentlemen with a brunette four stranded comb over and the "after picture" had him with the Edward Cullen puff and blonde. Seriously?

Come on advertisers pull your head out of your arses, consider the possibility that the world is somewhat intelligent and if you change a guy's hair after it has supposedly grown back we might notice!
When did the cast of the Only Way is Essex take over our advertisers?

The Power Of Music

2012-04-22T23:00:00.001+08:00

I recently discovered a new song called 'Liv Tonight' by Nelly and Keri Hilson. It has made me realize that music makes people feel SOMETHING! It is truly amazing how playing music can automatically change your current mood. To think that an arrangement of sounds and notes can change how your feeling is insane!

Smart people should be using this to their advantage. I have kindly compiled a list of songs to play that enhance certain different situations (for dumb arses like me) :

Need someone to give you money? = "I Need A Dollar" Aloe Blacc
Need to believe in yourself? = "I Bellive" Yolanda Adams
Want people to take shots? = "Shots" LMFAO, Lil Jon
Want people to think your hot? = "Sexy Bitch" Akon
Want a girl to sleep with you? = "Baby" Justin Bieber , I kid , I kid.

My point of this post is that music can truly influence people in the way that they feel and act. We should harness this power for manipulative purposes (*cue evil laugh).

In fact I'm going to use the power of music to manipulate the world into voting for me for president! I'll play "Vote For Me" by Chicago. The only people that this will NOT work on are deaf people... I may have to sign the lyrics to them and pray to god that they learnt to read music.

JADE FOR PRESIDENT 2013!

Someone Please Cure Clumsiness?

2012-04-21T16:49:00.000+08:00

I'm clumsy. I'm clumsy enough to trip up stairs... More than I trip down them. I'm clumsy enough to start driving my car in the pitch black without having my headlights on. I'm clumsy enough to spill boiling hot grill cleaning chemicals over myself (for those of you who are wondering, no it did not burn my horrid face off, sorry to inform you my ugliness is indestructible).

Now sometimes clumsiness can be a great trait, one that you are proud to possess. Occasionally you'll get those moments where you do a comedic banana split trip in front of your best friend and she never lets you live it down. For the most part however, its a pain in the ass!

I mean honestly... Who wants to be someone who can't be trusted with carrying the wooden spoon from the cupboard to the mixing bowl!
Why does clumsiness as a trait even exist? Its really not helping anyone and as someone who has a multitude of other bad traits (so all my traits) to deal with, not being able to walk without a handrail on either side of me is getting slightly frustrating.

How does one cure clumsiness? Please can people comment suggestions to prevent any further accidents. Would be much appreciated!

Note: I do not take myself seriously and I do not have low self esteem :D

I'm Lazy And Proud

2012-04-19T23:47:00.000+08:00

Lazy. This is one word that is often said when the people around me try to describe me to other people ( and stunning, naturally). Laziness has caused a few problems in my life so far. Haven't got another job, haven't got my licence , in fact, I'm too lazy to even open a bank account!

I don't think I can help it though? Maybe some people are naturally born more lazy than others? I was definitely one of these people. When I was a toddler I was so lazy that I needed a tri-pillow to support me, otherwise I would roll over. It is a weird feeling and is often only associated with negative connotations. I think it is good to be lazy once in a while! Doing nothing helps the body rest and repair, well thats my excuse anyway.

Basically the whole point of this post is that I'M PROUD OF BEING LAZY! Its a great skill to have... but probably best to leave off my resume.

Unfit But On The Top Of The Food Chain?

2012-04-19T12:09:00.000+08:00

Today I chose to live life to the fullest. I broke a few speed limits, ignored a stop sign, jumped a guard rail and did the whole 'Love Actually' sprint through the airport. It made me realise one thing.
I am horrendously unfit! Like unbelievably unfit to the point where it took me ten minutes to recover from that run!

We as humans have evolved over thousands of years to be the on top of the food chain. Amongst all our incredible natural talents, we are more intelligent than any other creature on Earth, yet unless we exercise and maintain a healthy diet, a vigorous walk can leave us catatonic.

By now shouldn't we have an automatic exercising machine to use while we sleep? Casually knock ourselves out for 8 hours and have our body exercised to keep us fit. We have freaking iPhones, surely we can have this invented.

Here at Jade & Josh we will give your exactly one week from posting to come up with some prototypes or bitches best be running! Our position on the food chain depends on it! We are becoming so unfit that soon the freaking flies will be taking the top spot!

Where Do We Go When We Die?

2012-04-17T11:40:00.000+08:00

Photo: Thomas Fileding

After a recent death of a dear friend, a question struck in my head... What happens when we die?
I am sure that there are ALOT of different opinions and to be honest I believe it mostly comes down to what the individual believes.

We all hear ghost stories. In fact not only do we hear them but we also watch the millions of ghost TV shows (ok 'slight' exaggeration here). We have to wonder though... How much of these shows are real? How much is set up to attract ratings and viewers. Maybe we do become ghosts? Or maybe we only become ghosts if we have 'unfinished business'?

Different religions have different beliefs as to what happens when you die. Christians believe that we go to heaven. Buddhists believe in the rebirth of a person.

Scientific experiments have also been performed. They stop a persons heart , which 'kills' them ( I'm using the word kill for convenience rather than that being the correct word to use), and then they restart their heart. Most people mentioned a tunnel and a bright light. Due to a high amount of people having the same answer, there are still speculations that this ' bright light ' could simply be the light on the operating table.

So where do we go when we die? what happens to us? I find it hard to believe that when we die nothing happens and we simply just cease to exist!

What do you think? Comment below, all opinions are welcome.

Attack Of The Hair!

2012-04-16T15:31:00.000+08:00

Having long hair is a pain in the ass. I'm a male who has had long hair for a couple of years because I can't decide what to do with it!

How would you like to come out of the shower, try to brush your teeth and bam! Long hair attack and I'm choking on one of my luscious ginger locks. Go for a run with my hair tied up, oh I'm sorry us locks don't like you so were going to squirm free and attack you like a box jellyfish!

Imagine the humiliation of a young girl saying to her mum whilst your cleaning the floor at work:

Girl - "Mummy is that a boy or a girl?"
Mum - "Its a boy sweetie he just has long hair"
Girl then proceeds to run away to a land of stereotypical hair styles for boys and girls, while I tell my manager what just happened and I turn a deep tomatoey colour in front of everyone.

All I need is a machine to show me what I'll look like with a different hair styles now I'm not talking about website where I take a picture and see my hair chopped off and replaced with a Bieber haircut. I mean like an actual time machine which shows me how I look under normal circumstances, not just when I've been airbrushed into perfection by Heidi Montag's graphic's team.

Damn you world for not inventing this yet, save me from these ginger locks

THEY"RE WAKING UP!

Pushy Sales Assistants

2012-04-15T14:34:00.000+08:00

Aah Salesmen (and women because here at this blog we are politically correct)
Some of you are lovely, helpful, polite and you realise that going out shopping doesn't always mean blowing a week's paycheck on one swagtastic outfit.

Then theres the pushy ones, not just the slightly pushy ones who will tell you all about the specials on hats when you went in for a pair of shoes, but the sales people who will literally follow you around the store like a mosquito on a blood binge. I've been looking for a specific type of jacket for winter so went shopping on friday and found the jacket. Problem: I'm in saving mode and it was $350. Yeah not gonna happen. So when the pushy saleswomen said "yeah its been very popular and a great price", I wanted to tell her to shut up and get a job where you don't have to lie because your horrible at it!

Nice sales people, please go to your next world meeting and either punch the pushy ones or lock them in a dungeon and throw celery at them. If you don't do something about it I will, the rebellion will be coming and were going to do solely online shopping, then what are you going to do?

I JUST WANT TO SHOP IN PEACE!

Likes On Facebook Photos

2012-04-14T14:56:00.002+08:00

Facebook likes on photos bring joy and excitement for people who receive them. It acts as an unofficial stamp of approvement by the people who like the photo. Looking down the news feed , you will find that all these photos have things in common.

The first thing I noticed is photoshop. I would love to see what the original photo looks like and compare it to what gets uploaded. Chances are it will look completely different! Nowadays people airbrush skin , change their eye colour , whiten teeth , tan their skin , change the shape of their nose , apply filters etc The list is endless!
The second thing I picked up on is that the person in the photo was either wearing a bikini , lingerie or outfits that should never be classed as clothing. WAY too much skin was exposed.
The last thing I noticed was the 'Cake Face'. Did these girls go through their yearly supply in one day?! They apply so much that their face is probably protruding an extra 10cm due to the thickness!

Why can't people get likes for natural beauty. Nobody should have to strip , photoshop and cake on make-up (and play the excuse they were going to a pimps and hoes party) just to get likes.

Lack Of Sleep = No Mystical Lands, Being Deliriously Tired And The Cause Of My Ugliness

2012-04-14T03:00:00.000+08:00

Sleep. That monumental feeling of satisfaction when you climb into bed after a long tiring day...And you drift off into the land of fairies, unicorns and talking pumpkins.
Unfortunately for me I am an insomniac and do not get to experience this feeling very often. I will occasionally pull all nighters to "reset" my bodyclock so I can have a decent night sleep. Pointer here kids, don't follow my advice because you will fall asleep in the morning and wake up at midday stuffing your bodyclock up even more!

Its so unbelievably frustrating to be that deliriously tired, not being able to drift of to this mystical land, to be kept away from the place where possibilities are endless, to the place where we can live what we imagine... And quite frankly , I need to go to this place to once in a while to escape my awful reality.

If sleep does make you beautiful then I think we have found a major contributing factor to my ugliness. So sleep, pull your head out of your ass and come my way once in a while. This is starting to get ridiculouzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Life Is Easy With Double D's

2012-04-13T15:14:00.000+08:00

I was thinking of the reasons why people do other people big favours. As confusing as that statement sounds, I came across a simple thesis: Life would be so much easier with a pair of double D's. Lets think about this for a moment. There are so many benefits from these assets! Underage clubbing , underage drinking , being invited to every party and social gathering, and having people do favours for you!

For an example , if you don't feel like working today, don't go in. No one is going to mind because you have a pair of double D's. Don't feel like paying your phone bill? Don't worry about it. Some guy will be willing to sort that out for you because you have a pair of double D's. Need new clothes... Yes. I know you get it!
Double D's can also get you a career. You can now say :"Playboy , here I come".

You can reap in so many benefits from having these gifts. Basically my advice to any girl is to stop complicating your life and get a pair of double D's. Life would be so much simpler and more stress free for you.

check out my new site where I teach you to be a youtuber!

SeriousYouTuber.com

Being Ugly In A Beautiful World

2012-04-13T00:37:00.000+08:00

The world is beautiful, let me just start with that.

It is full of wonder, full of amazing things that we can't really comprehend. Things we see that just take our breath away. The problem with this though is that beauty, along with money, makes the world go round and as a person regularly described as "fugly", this is quite difficult to tackle.

Just imagine in your mind's eye for a minute, a tall male with shoulder length red hair. Basically you could describe it as Ron Weasley after he had been hit by an ugly stick, spell, and curse repeatedly at the same time. Imagine that guy doing a degree in teaching and going for a job interview at a prestigious school.

Redhead - "Oh yeah Hi I was just wondering if you have any openings for teachers?

Principal - "Sorry we don't have any openings for fugly rangas, the kids will think they're in a nightmare."

Its going to be such a pain in the ass and I'm not looking forward to it. I mean really... who is going to give me a job based on my wit, charm and intelligence when I'm not the slightest bit beautiful? Yes , the world is full of wonder and amazing things that take our breath away... but sometimes we need to see a real eyesore to appreciate these moments. Thats my purpose in life.

How To: Make A Really Real Reality TV Show

2012-04-12T13:47:00.000+08:00

Don't we all wish we could make our own reality T.V show?
Here are some useful tips:

Make Sure the Show Is Real Reality:

We want to make sure that the show is a real depiction of reality. That is why the first thing that needs to be done is the script. Make HEAPS of drama! None of this is real of coarse but no need to worry, the viewers won't be able to tell the difference.

Apply Editing And Sound Effects:

If there is not enough drama then the next step is creating some. Please remember that this lack of drama is due to your poor scripting skills in step one. What you need to do is edit talking scenes to make it look like somethings happening. Don't forget to add sound effects! dramatic sound effects trick the viewer into thinking drama is about to go down ... when really you are just talking about what you are doing this weekend.

Here's an Example:

REAL VERSION:

Person 1 : "Hey man , how are you?"

Person 2: "Hey bro , not too bad , who are you with at the moment?"

Person 1: "Just my girlfriend but she's leaving now, who are with?"

Person 2: "Just a few people, we have to hang out this weekend, join me, I'm not doing anything"

EDITED VERSION:

Person 1:"Hey man, my girlfriend... She's leaving..."

Person 2:"Too bad. We have to hang out this weekend. Join me , I'm doing a few people."

See it's easy to make drama out of an innocent conversation! Add in the dramatic sound effects and the viewers will be on the edge of their seats!

If you thought that reality TV shows are actual reality...You need a reality check! Lets be honest. No body wants to watch your boring life so use the above tips to spice it up and become successful.

Jade Kingston

Soap Dispensers: Evil!

2012-04-11T22:51:00.002+08:00

Soap dispensers are a pain in the ass.

I was just washing my hands today and as I put some soap in my hand IT COMES OUT AS FOAM! Now I realise that foam soap is the 'In Thing' at the moment and is supposed to make something so basic seem so posh... I was under the impression that having a lot of money makes life easier, but if this is the case then people with money REALLY love complicating their lives.

Now I'm all up for hand hygiene, to be honest I'm probably a bit OCD with washing my hands, but what is the point of having foam soap dispensers. Every single time I have had to use one they just shoot out their foam like some bored midget is sitting on a cannon waiting for it's next chance to strike. Just imagine walking through public dressed in a white t shirt and some grey shorts, strutting your stuff like a pimp, you go to wash your hands after doing your business and boom the midget with his bloody cannon strikes again and now you look like some retard let out for the day and just found a hose. Now you have to walk back out through bitch pulling territory trying to maintain the strutt with foamy soap down your trousers, yeah good look.

I fucking hate foamy soap dispensers, we should start a revolution to get normal soap dispensers back and lynch the inventor of this foam. He needs a punch in the face and I need a new pair of shorts... In fact my lawyer will be contacting him.

Prudence Black

How To: Write a Hit Song

2012-04-11T18:13:00.003+08:00

Note : Yes this is a joke

Step One: Look Amazing

This is one of the biggest factors of writing a hit song. You may be thinking "hang on a second, what the hell does this have to do about writing a song?". Well im so sorry to inform you that we live in a world where sex sells. Looks are EVERYTHING! If you are naturally a really ugly person DO NOT PANIC! It is not the end of the road for you... We do have surgery available to sexify yourself.

The only time you can panic is if you look like this:

...then we have a problem and you should consider another career.

Step Two: Write The Lyrics

This is one of the easiest steps. Lyrics ARE NOT important. Write about drugs , parties , sex , drinking , sex , love , parties , drugs and getting drunk. In fact there are two really effective ways to come up with lyrics without even knowing how to write english.

Method One: This only works if you have a younger sibling. Approach your younger sibling, preferably around the ages of 2-10, and ask them to write down some rhyming words. There you have it. Instant lyrics. And you thought your younger brother/sister was useless.

Method Two: Take alot of laxatives! Go to the toilet and in a swift motion of your preferred hand , wipe yourself. And there you have it. Instant lyrics.

Combine both methods for a mega smash hit.

Step Three: Compose A Melody

This is another easy step. Play a couple notes on a keyboard and just loop it over and over and over and over again until you can make the song around 3 minutes. If your stuck for ideas , simply sample it from another song. Look its easy.

Blogger song by Jade Kingston

So there you have it. Three easy steps to writing a successful song.