j'aime shopping's battle with cancer

wedding

2013-05-19T13:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the wedding day of our close friends R & R. They were one of the very few people that we disclosed my diagnosis to from the very beginning. While I was excited to be at their wedding, at the same time, it was causing me lot of stress and anxiety.

What's everyone going to think about my very ugly and unmanageable short hair? how would I answer questions? will there be questions? who else knows about my cancer? am I going to look strange, is everyone going to notice that I am missing a boob? ...or maybe I shouldn't go at all? Of course Pat wouldn't have allowed that...

Finally, the day arrived and I had to face it. I toyed with the idea of going to a salon getting my hair done, but there's very little room for error since my hair is so short. So I decided to just leave it as is. As for the outfit, it was an easy decision, I needed something that covered me up as much as possible, and Pom Flower Shift was the candidate. After frantically rummaging through the house looking for my tweezers and lipstick, we were happily on our way.

The ceremony was sweet and intimate, I couldn't help but tear up as they got to the "in sickness and in health" part of the vow. I thought about what would've been my wedding last December, I thought about how Pat and I literally lived through "in sickness and in health", I seriously wanted to lean on Patrick's shoulder and start bawling. But of course that didn't happen as I held it together.

The day's events happened without a glitch, it was such a happy gathering. I won't bore you with further details, and by now it's clear that I've survived it, we told one person that I was dealing with cancer for the last year, other than that there were no awkward questions to deal with. Here is a picture of Pat and I at the ceremony site.

I want to point out that you are looking at about 6 months of hair growth, uncut, untrimmed and unstyled.

thank you

2013-05-19T11:54:00.000-04:00

I wrote the last entry in a haste and didn't get the chance to thank everyone for your support when I had my major post radiation breakdown. I am not very creative with words, and instead of repeating the same thing over and over again, I figured it's better for me to just thank everyone here.

You have no idea how much those comments meant. I felt all the encouragements, the positivity and the warmth from each and every single one of you. Some of your comments were so incredibly touching, it brought tears to my eyes as I read them. I am so honoured that you have all been here for me.

My active treatment (chemo, surgery and radiation) is now over. I am left with 5 years of hormonal therapy, AKA Tamoxifen. As I try to pick up the pieces of my life, I will be embarking on a new journey, living life post cancer. I still have a lot of emotional and mental healing to do and I know those will post bigger hurdles as I try to resume life. Yesterday was challenging for me as we attended a friend's wedding, my first big social outing since cancer, of which I will blog about it shortly.

Thank you and have a wonderful Sunday. :)

genetic testing

2013-05-17T19:04:00.001-04:00

It's been awhile since I posted anything. I have been busy focusing on healing. Healing myself in body, mind and spirit. I've been enjoying the weather, enjoying food, and enjoying being 'cancer free', a concept that I am still having difficulties grasping, but trying to nevertheless.

Even though I despise the Cancer Centre, I had a very important appointment yesterday to attend. My genetic testing result is back. We did the blood work about a month ago, and finally the result is back. Yes, the test looks for the same faulty BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes that are responsible for Angelina Jolie's mastectomy. All young breast cancer patients have the choice of getting this testing done. It's not available to everyone because the test is quite expensive from what I was told. A positive result means serious consideration of further surgeries to remove my other breast and/or ovaries as preventative measures.

Well I am very happy to share with you that the test result came back negative! No more surgeries to consider, for now!

post radiation breakdown

2013-03-24T10:25:00.002-04:00

So it's been 8 days since my last dose of radiation. As of last Friday, I had undergone 25 sessions of radiation treatment. I was on a high, I was feeling proud, and thinking normal life begins.

But, fast forward to today, here I am teary eyed sitting in front of the computer writing about my 'breakdown'. I didn't know what a 'breakdown' was until I met Cancer. When I have my breakdowns, my whole body is crying, I am crying from the heart, I am crying with a fear so deep I tremble. My stomach gets all knotted up and I roll up into a ball and fall onto my side. It's been a while since I had a breakdown like this, but I surely had one this morning.

I've been dealing with self image issues as far back as chemo, though during most of that 4 months, I was too sick to care how I looked. But since post surgery, I have been feeling really low in the self confidence department. Nothing looked right on me, the buttons and the zippers all seem off centered because I was missing a boob, my bra wouldn't hold because my right side actually caves in. Hence, I started hiding behind loose clothing. It also didn't help that I've lost a lot of weight since we started treatment, right now I am still weighting in at under 90lbs, how sick is that?!?! No matter what I try, I haven't been able to put on a single pound. I've never disliked my thin frame, but now I think it's just plain sickening.

With all these issues accumulating over the months, I now have a big ginormous red blister on my chest. They warned me about the skin blistering, but when my skin (albeit red and significantly darkened) held it together after the last session, I thought I was the 'lucky' one. I have been avoiding a good look at my 'radiated' area, until earlier this week when the itching was becoming so unbearable, that it was waking me up in the middle of the night. So I decided to really take a good look at myself in the mirror, and that's when I realized the damages radiation had done to me. Let's just say I probably should avoid sleeveless tops for the rest of my life. :)

So my strategy to cope with sadness is to chant to myself "Life is great, life is wonderful, things could be worse." It's been working pretty well so far, but this morning upon seeing that ugly ugly giant blister, I lost it. Yep, lost it, just like the old days, I rolled myself into a ball, I drowned myself in self pity, and I hated life, I hated what life put me through. I HATED LIFE! I HATED CANCER! I HATE HATE HATE!

But, you know what? There's nothing I can do to change it. There's nothing! Absolutely nothing! Just like cancer, I haven NOOO control over it. Zero, zip, nill, nada...!!

So there you have it, my Sunday morning, one week post radiation, breakdown.

On a different note, I'd like to thank my anonymous reader once again for tipping me off on that Morning Bird Sweater Coat. I look forward to wearing it. It's the perfect loose comfy clothes that I desire these days.

Lastly, for anyone who's taken the time to read this entire entry, thank you for stopping by and being on this rollercoaster ride with me.

have you ever...

2013-02-24T16:07:00.005-05:00

Have you ever felt so shattered inside that you sit in silence in complete and utter shock?

Have you ever cried so hard that you can't catch a breath and you feel so empty inside?

Have you ever rolled yourself into a ball because you feel so alone and scared?

Have you ever been so touched by a person whom you've never met that it brings warmth to your heart?

Have you ever been loved so unconditionally by someone that they hug and kiss you even though you look like you have just come back from hell?

Have you ever taken a close look at your aging parents and see the wrinkles on their faces as they keep an worrisome watch over you?

Have you ever taken the time to appreciate each and every part of your body and marvel at the beauty of it all?

Have you ever had to consider the possibility of leaving this beautiful world and those that you love?...

Cancer has allowed me the opportunity to experience all of the above and so much more.

Screw you cancer.

Thank you cancer.

radiation...two down, three more to go

2013-02-22T16:53:00.001-05:00

With the completion of today's radiation session, I have now completed 10 (two weeks worth of) sessions, and that means I only have 15 more to go. Radiation has been more tolerable than chemotherapy thus far. Other than skin darkening and fatigue, I have been doing pretty good. Making daily trips to the hospital is quite time consuming, but at least there's an end to look forward to.

It's so surreal to think that I've been in 'treatment' since August, and to think back on all the ER visits, the chemo sessions and the post surgery recovery...all these experiences are forever imprinted in my memory. I still have 3 weeks to go until I complete my 'active treatment'. As a cancer patient the journey never ends, I will be on Tamoxifen for the next 5 years and will continue to have regular tests and doctor's appointments for the rest of my life.

For now, it's nice to think back on what I have overcome, and try to look ahead and hope for the best.

Charlie and Cocoon

2013-02-20T10:36:00.000-05:00

Since my days consist of a daily pilgrimage to the Cancer Centre at Sunnybrook to receive my radiation treatment, I am all about comfort, and not as much about style. But I think this Charlie Fatigue Jacket (also available here) is the perfect way to add some style to my bummie outfits. It's still too cold in Toronto to wear this jacket now, but since it's lined and roomy enough to wear a thick sweater/sweat shirt underneath so I am hopeful that I can start breaking it out soon.

The Charlie Fatigue jacket is very green (the perfect dark green shade), wrinkly (perfect for wash and dry girls like myself), and a great jacket to throw over any casual outfits (I am wearing it over a Sherpa Hoodie, Saturday Pant and legwarmers, see I mean business when I say 'bummie'). I bought this jacket in XXS and I think it's perfect. I love it with my Purl Stitch Cashmere snood, heck I love this snood with everything! It's just pure cashmere heaven.

Here's a close up.

This Cocoon Coat has a great silhouette, it's my new favourite coat. I do think the quality of J.Crew's stadium fabric is on the decline compare to their predecessors, this year's stadium fabric as well as the lining is a lot more coarse and has a more synthetic feel to it. But, I simply can't resist this coat. I sized down to 00 in this coat. Usually my coats are more fitted, so wearing a thicker sweater underneath is out of the question, but this coat is great for those who like to layer and to wear blazers.

my picks from J.Crew's February Style Guide

2013-01-27T17:59:00.000-05:00

Love this Micro-Tweed Jacket in poppy $170, simple but classy. Unfortunately there's no information the shoes!! The print at the bottom says " unfortunately, these shoes cannot be shipped to Canada...". :(

Silk Tipped Boy Blouse $138 + No.2 Pencil in Neon Tweed. Love the colors in this tweed pencil, so refreshing for Spring.

Peter Pan Merino sweater in Stripe $108 + Collection Curator pant in Fresh Kiwi + Biennial Hobo. This is my favourite outfit in the entire catalogue. I think this is an outfit that can definitely be recreated with some of the pieces I already own.

Butterfly Shorts $78. Cute cute!

Rosie Dress in Medallioin Paisley $230. An updated shirt dress with a classic print. What's not to love!

New arrivals will roll out on January 31st. So be sure to visit your local J.Crew to check out their new collection. :)

Positive

2013-01-27T12:08:00.002-05:00

Since my cancer journey I have heard the word "positive" many many times.

People will often tell me to "Stay positive!" "Think positive!". As if "positivity" is the cure to cancer. Usually I brush it off, no offense to anyone that has said that to me, but some times hearing those words of encouragement is almost the same as hearing someone telling you to 'calm down' when you are fuming mad. Anyways, it's harmless and usually in good intention, I can live with that.

I most dread hearing this word from the mouths of my physicians. Just this past week I found out my pathology results, very unfortunately, I had 3 positive lymph nodes. Lymph node involvement is associated with lower survival rate, higher recurrence rate, and overall, not a good thing. If this was me a month ago, I would've had another emotional breakdown right then and there in my oncologist's office. However, after 6 months of being on this incredibly challenging journey, I am a lot tougher and stronger and...positive. I have accepted that there's nothing I can do to change the past, and very little I can do to change the future since cancer is such a mysterious creature. The only thing I can do for myself and for those that love me is to stay happy and to live life..and it's on a very happy note, that I've been sharing my hair growth with friends and family, and now you! It has been a little over two months since my last dose of chemo and I think my eyelashes are almost fully grown! AND I have eyebrows, albeit extremely bushy ones! Yep yep!

Lastly, I am working on some reviews of my new favourite purchases from J.Crew.

Purl Stitch Cashmere Snood! Pure cashmere yumminess!

Stadium Cloth Cocoon Coat. Love Love LOVE the silhouette and the simplicity of this coat.

Nolita Denim Jacket. A classic denim jacket that I know I will be wearing all the time!

So, stay tuned for these reviews! and I will continue to keep you updated with my hair growth progress.

post surgery update

2013-01-05T14:02:00.001-05:00

As much as I had hoped for a call from the hospital telling me that my surgeon was stuck somewhere (due to the snow storm), and therefore had to reschedule the surgery. It went exactly as planned on Jan. 3rd., and very much on time. The last glance at the clock in the surgery room before I was knocked out read 7:55. My surgery was scheduled for 8:00.

Surgery took about 4 hours. Unfortunately my previously tested positive lymph node was still positive, so an axillary lymph node dissection was performed. If you don't know cancer terms, that means removing a lot of lymph nodes, i.e. bigger surgery, longer recovery and potentially more problems later on. Almost as expected, I got extremely nauseated after I woke up from the anesthesia, and eventually vomited. I was unable to hold any food or fluid for that day so they had to leave the IV in to keep me hydrated. After one night at the hospital I was discharged the following morning with two drains stitched into my incisions.

Starting today, a Home Care nurse will visit me every day until the drains are removed. I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon in 3 weeks, as well as the physiotherapist and the radiation oncologist. Yep, my cancer journey is still far from over but I have overcome the toughest parts.

Just as I was typing this blog entry, I received these beautiful flowers from my wonderful friend whom I've never met. But she has been incredibly supportive and kind to me before and during this tough journey. Thank you Sharon, for being there for me, always!

to h*ll with 2012

2012-12-31T19:47:00.006-05:00

2012 was suppose to be a new beginning for me. After a career detour, I was ready to get back and get on track. I was suppose to become a Mrs. and look ahead to start a family. Everything was rolling along, until the cancer news hit.

Dear readers, sorry for the sudden and long disappearance, but I needed to take some time to refocus. I was simply falling apart and needed the time to pick myself up again. Here's a bit of an update, last chemo treatment was on November 16th, surgery is booked for Jan 3rd. Radiation will commence at the end of January.

During my absence from the blog, I was busy working hard on creating a 'miracle' for myself. I exercised, I ate even healthier, I meditated, imagined my white blood cells eating away the cancer cells, three times a day, I focused on being happy...I did everything I possibly can to create a 'miracle' - that chemo would have shrunken my tumor enough so that I could have a lumpectomy (partial removal of the breast) instead of a mastectomy. Unfortunately, no such miracle happened. I am incredibly saddened by the reality that I will have to bid goodbye to my breast in three days. But I am stronger and tougher, and ready to face the unfortunate reality and the treatments to come.

Thanks for all your messages and support, I wish all of you a happy and healthy new year.

Cheers!

i can't win

2012-09-20T11:50:00.000-04:00

I always get emotional. I was crying pretty much throughout the entire night last night, as well as this morning. The decision whether to forego the last dose of AC or not weights heavily on my mind. Do I want to live with the torture of going through another night at the ER, or do I want to potentially live with an regret should bad luck strike twice? Recurrence is a very real issue any cancer patient has to deal with, and no one can tell you for sure if it would happen to you. Even though taking the last dose of AC is no guarantee that won't have a recurrence, but at the same time should it happen would I be able to live with the 'what if's?'.

Then as I was browsing online this morning, I came across a website that said stress leading up to treatment can reduce the efficacy of chemo and potentially allow cancer cells to get away. Well, that turned off the tears immediately. Now I feel like all my crying has allowed cancer cells to get away and made all the hell I've had to endure in vain. There's no winning here, I just can't win.

every two weeks

2012-09-19T20:52:00.004-04:00

Every two weeks as we get closer to chemo day, I become incredibly sad. Memories of those ER visits are still fresh in my mind. Words cannot describe how awful those are, Pat literally has to drag my body to and from the ER, and getting poked and bruised because your veins are dehydrated aren't fun, and having them dripping more chemicals into your body after a day of infusion is awful, beyond awful.

This time my oncologists gave me a choice, they said I could either forego the last dose of AC and move onto the second part of my chemo, Taxol, or I could stick it out. After a whole week of very hard thinking I decided today that I would forego the last AC cycle. I think my decision surprised my oncologist because he has been very persistent in persuading me to stick to the original chemo schedule.

I get where he's coming from, I have what they call 'locally advanced breast cancer'. My tumor is quite large, and now they are telling me that they think a lymph node might be involved. I will be contacted shortly for an appointment to do a lymph node biopsy. This came as a shock to me because the initial ultrasound cleared my lymph nodes. I can't say enough how much of a nightmare breast cancer is. One that I can't wake up from. I cried a lot this afternoon after finding out about my lymph node, as a matter of fact I'm tearing up as I'm typing this. I hate cancer, I hate my body, I hate the life I'm living right now, I hate chemo, I hate everything about cancer. My oncologist will call me again tomorrow to discuss further my chemo schedule, I have a feeling I will probably cave and stick to the chemo schedule as planned. No choice is the right choice, there's no easy decision when it comes to dealing with cancer. I HATE CANCER! I just want to be normal. Oh how much I would be willing to give up to just be normal and cancer free.

first time in a while

2012-09-17T17:51:00.003-04:00

It's been quite some time since I cared about what I wore. Since my life for the past two months has revolved around hospital appointments I really didn't care what I wore. Today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist, and for the first time in awhile I actually put forth some effort in getting dressed and decided to put on my wig. The appointment went okay, maybe my expectation was too high? She basically asked some general questions, and validated all my feelings and emotions and said to come back in two weeks.

After my appointment Pat and I decided to walk back home, it was a very nice long walk, through one of my favourite parks.

I am wearing:

Raquel Welch wig.

Jcrew Maritime Blazer (one of my last purchases before my cancer dx).

Club Monaco linen sweater.

AG Stevies.

almost like the old days

2012-09-16T17:16:00.000-04:00

Last night was very reminiscent of the old days. My parents who had been staying with us to take care of me went home for a couple of nights. So it was just Pat and I, he cooked, I cleaned up afterwards, then we watched some TV while eating some fruits. Life was just that simple in the old days, really simple, and enjoyable.

I keep imagining, sometimes laying awake at night, my old myself and thinking about life if cancer wasn't in the picture. What would I be doing, and how I would be feeling. With 5 more chemo sessions to go, followed by surgery and radiation. It will be quite some time before life no longer evolves around cancer, before life will become the new 'normal'.

sweet rosa

2012-09-10T21:53:00.000-04:00

Chemo cycle three was yet again unkind to me. Even though I was hopeful that my nausea would be under control with a new regiment, I was proven to be wrong again and ended up at the ER for a very long visit this time. They had to give me 4 rounds of drugs to get the nausea under control, and therefore we were there from 4pm to 1am the next morning. One of the drugs they gave me is usually used on super crazies to calm them down. I was so knocked out by the drugs that by the time Pat wheeled me out of the ER I could barely open my eyes or form a sentence. Even for the next couple of days I was still very groggy.

While we were at chemo, we met this super sweet old lady named Rosa. She was 73 and has metastatic breast cancer that's gone to her liver. She had her surgery already and was doing her first chemo session. She was so optimistic and upbeat, which was a sharp contrast to how I was feeling. Unfortunately for Rosa, she also ended up at the ER due to an infection (as Pat later told me) the same night I was there. I really really pray that Rosa will get through her battle and come out on top. So I ask that you please keep Rosa in your prayers and thoughts.

booking error

2012-09-01T20:51:00.000-04:00

I seriously can't believe the amount of support I have been receiving from all of you readers. Really, I never expected that anyone would want to read about my whining and complaining. From the bottom of my heart, thank you again for all the encouragements and for being on this journey with me.

I contacted the nurse earlier this week and inquired about the delay in my chemo, turns out it was a booking error. Instead of an extra week that I had hoped for, 3rd cycle of chemo will be on this coming Thursday. I was so sad when she told me it was an error because I was really looking forward to a week of almost-normalcy as I've been feeling progressively better with each passing day. For the first time since my diagnose, I actually feel a bit like my old self. I was thinking about life after cancer, thinking about taking a trip and maybe start re-planning our wedding.

The last couple of days have been pleasant, weather has been great, and I almost have all of my taste buds back. Chemo kills taste buds apparently, according to my family physician. For the first week or so after chemo, I have this super sweet taste in my mouth, and can't taste much of anything else. It's super annoying, but considering all the other side effects I've been experiencing, this one is harmless.

I never mentioned that I had purchased a wig a couple of weeks back. I was in a hurry to get one because I didn't want to be without a wig by the time I loose all my hair. Unfortunately they were out of stock in the style I selected in black until the end of September, so I had to settle for a brown wig. During my wig appointment, the stylist was loosing patience on us because we disliked everything he showed us. Even though I've been told countless times by others that wigs are so fabulous and are better than their own hair, I still liked my hair the best, I liked me just the way I was. I hope I will learn to 'forgive' myself one day, and learn to like myself again.

hair

2012-08-29T22:30:00.002-04:00

Soon after my second cycle of chemo, my hair started falling pretty excessively. In preparation for the inevitable, we had cut my hair quite short weeks before. Seeing how easily they come off now and the mess they create, Pat requested my mom to shave my head last night.

I have never felt the vibration of a shaver against my head before, and the sensation is really disturbing. I kept asking mom to stop because I was literally holding my breath everytime she turned on the shaver.

I didn't shed a single tear while she was doing it, but as soon as she was done I completely broke down, I just lost it.

I felt disgusting, the way my hair was falling off was so disturbing, like a layer of dust that had collected on a surface. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I felt sick to my stomach at the though and the vision that I am BALD! Even though I knew it was going to happen and prepared myself for it as much as I could, no amount of preparation would have made this experience any different.

So goodbye hair. Nice team work, scalp and hair. You fought a tough battle, and tried to hang on for as long as you could. When I was told you'd be gone by the time I go back for my second cycle of chemo, you went above and beyond expectation. Thank you for your efforts! I really really really miss you guys. Hope to see you next Spring.

This is a picture I left in Pat's phone some time after being told by my Family Physician to expect to be told that I have cancer. I had been crying that night, but wanted to leave a picture for Pat to remember me by after I become sickly and bald. You have no idea how much I miss my long black hair.

neighbour

2012-08-27T19:36:00.002-04:00

As we went out for a walk yesterday I mentioned to Pat that the last person I wanted to bump into was our neighbour J...and with my luck, sure enough, as we walked up the curb we saw J just arriving home with her family. Even though I tried to walk as slowly as I possibly can, it was clear that J was waiting for me to chat.
As we got closer, she immediately said to me "OMG, you cut you hair! Why?" I tried to be evasive, but the questions kept coming...
"I keep seeing your parents, they said you weren't feeling well? what's wrong with you?"
"You haven't been at work eh? Are you okay? Are you just trying to rest it out at home?"
"Are you on a leave at work, are you feeling okay?"...on and on and on

eventually Pat told her I had cancer, to which I elaborated on briefly.

It was such an uncomfortable exchange, I cried after I got home. I don't know why I still have such deep rooted shame in telling people I have cancer. I seriously don't get where this shame comes from. I suppose I am still angry about it. The doctors keep saying to me "other than cancer, you are a perfectly healthy young woman." Well, you darn right I am healthy! I take good care of myself by eating well, living well and being active.

Anyways, other than that little episode, I am doing okay since the latest ER visit. I have these insatiable cravings, I am constantly hungry, no matter how much and how frequent I eat. For the last couple of days I've had to get up twice in the middle of the night to eat. It's kind of scary, considering I have always had a large appetite before this whole cancer thing, but now I am eating twice as much if not more.

Oh and I am not sure if this is good news, but my oncologist is giving me an extra week before the next cycle. So next Chemo is scheduled for Sept 13. My guess is they think I've been too beat up by the last two Chemo cycles, but I'm happy to take the break.

super drug fail

2012-08-24T10:58:00.002-04:00

The trial clinic drug that every swore was going to make me feel better didn't work. I started getting incredibly nauseated right after dinner, I fought it as much as I could, but eventually started vomiting late at night. At 2AM, Pat dragged both of our exhausted bodies to the ER, this time the nurse was aggressive with the IV anti-nausea drugs by pumping it in directly as suppose to allowing it to drip slowly, it was extremely painful but our stay was shorter compared to the last time. By 6AM, we were back home.

What another night of hell!

two down, six more to go

2012-08-23T20:28:00.001-04:00

It was another full day at the hospital...blood work, meet with the nurse, more blood work, meet with my oncologist, and the main event, chemo.

My white blood cell count was low so I thought for a second they might not give me chemo today, but noooooo, the oncologist felt I really need to stay on track for my chemo treatment, so I still got my second cycle of chemo as per schedule.

I'm very glad I switched hospitals, because the nurse team at Sunnybrook was amazing. I had a great chemo nurse today, she was caring and upbeat, to cheer me up she brought me a basket of donated brand new hand knit hats to choose from. I had a hard time with my selection so she insisted that I take two.

Due to the vomiting I experienced last cycle, I am now on a clinical trial for a super anti nausea drug and I still have three other drugs to take as well. Despite having all these drug in my system, I still got nauseated after sucking on an ice cube during chemo, I think I have developed an aversion to it because I sucked on ice during the entire chemo session last time.

All in all today was a much better experience, having great nurses made a world of difference...fingers crossed I will get thought the next four days with manageable nausea.

chemo day tomorrow

2012-08-22T21:13:00.001-04:00

I don't think a day has gone by this past week without at least one breakdown. Even if I put on a brave face for the entire day, I would breakdown at night, or spontaneously at any given time during the day. I made a few attempts to blog, but could never finish whatever I was writing as I would start tearing up.

I had a busy day on Tuesday at the hospital attending a 'chemo information session', as well as having my veins assessed. Even though I am aware cancer happens to younger people, everytime I am at the hospital I only ever seen older patients accompanied by their children, whereas in my case it's the reverse, and that gets me EVERY SINGLE TIME!

I had intended to write about my mom's strength and bravery. I wanted to post a picture of my buzz cut, but it makes me so sad to look at the picture Pat took while my mom was cutting my hair last week. I wanted to write about more hospital visits, meetings with doctors and tests. The life of a cancer patient is very busy, instead of the usual long wait time to see specialists or get tests done I get appointments immediately.

The fact that tomorrow is chemo day has stressed me out all day. Given how I fared the first round, we are all very nervous about tomorrow. I know my oncologist will be giving me some super duper anti-nausea drugs, so hopefully I won't end up at the ER again.

thank you

2012-08-16T11:28:00.001-04:00

Thank you to In Pursuit of Pretty Things for your touching post about me, and for calling me 'one of our own'. I am so moved by your kind gesture.

Thank you to each and everyone who has reached out to me and left me encouraging words and well wishes.

Thank you to those that have shared personal stories or stories of their loved ones that have been affected by this disease and other illnesses.

I have read all of your comments and your emails (more than once in many cases) and feel beyond grateful for the support you have showered me with.

I am un-derserving of being called 'courageous', or 'brave'. These words should be reserved for those fighting this battle with gusto.

I, on the other hand still carry with me a tremendous amount of disbelief, anger, fear and sadness. I am not sure if I've even drawn my sword yet, at best I'm just trying to 'cope'. Trying to 'cope' my emotional roller coasters, trying to 'cope' with the side effects, trying to 'cope' with the sudden change in life style, trying to 'cope' with the unfortunate reality that wedding is off, and my career is put on hold, trying to 'cope' with the fact that this was caused by one bad cell and I, am just a victim of terribly bad luck.

better days

2012-08-12T13:25:00.004-04:00

You know what I miss, is having a routine. I miss getting up in the morning, eagerly checking out the weather report, then deciding on my work outfit. I miss work, I miss going into work and checking yesterday's sales number. I miss being glued to the TV like I used to when the Olympics are on, or when Big Brother nights come along. I miss feeling excited about the things I used to love.

Right now, everything is so meh to me. Nothing makes me excited. I am constantly fearful, dinner time is the scariest for me, still remember my hellish Friday evening like yesterday, the slightest tingle in my stomach is enough to trigger a nervous breakdown. Good thing is that I've been able to hold the food I've been consuming for the last couple of days.

My arms and hands are covered with needle holes and bruises, thanks to countless IV insertions and blood works. My upper arm hurt from the daily injections I'm getting to boost my white blood cell production during chemo.

But I'm managing, I have to, I have no choice but to keep going down this path.

To make this a bit fashion related, here is a picture Pat took of me without my knowledge during my Bone Scan last week? was it last week? anyways, it feels so long ago now, when I still had my hair long. The nurse who did my test had a chat with me about my AG Stevies, saying she has a pair as well and it's her most favourite jeans.

another night at the ER

2012-08-10T19:08:00.001-04:00

Well, last night was hell, I was knocked out, COMPLETELY KNOCKED OUT by vomiting. After 4 hours of non stop vomiting, we headed for the ER. Was there for about 6 hours and was finally discharged at around 5pm.

It was a night of hell! I was so demoralized and felt beaten.