THE JAKEISFANTASTIC BLOG

Skull Fest 2012: Part 3 of 3: The Weird Flashy Light Incident

2012-01-06T07:11:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

If you have been reading my sweet blog this week, then you know on Wednesday competed in a preliminary round of the 2011 Laughing Skull Comedy Festival. This entry is part 3 of 3. In Part 1, I talked about how great the Laughing Skull Lounge is. In Part 2, I talked about how every comedy contest is a big old gamble. For this entry, I am focusing specifically on a weird thing that happened during my set. Also, I want to talk about how the contest started off a cool chain of events.

WARNING: Because this is the final entry in this 3-part series, I am doing a lot of wrap-up and whatnot. So, this entry is slightly longer than the other 2. Just be excited that you know how to read.

"GETTING THE LIGHT"
If you read my entries for the 2010 Seattle Competition, then you know that weird things always happen to me during contests. Back then, I had the gum incident. This time, I had a light incident.

See, whenever you are performing at a comedy club- especially in a contest- it is extremely important to stick to your time. 6 minutes means 6 minutes. It never means 8 minutes. It doesn't even mean 6:30. When you have 6 minutes, you do 6 minutes.

QUICK NOTE: I quit wearing a watch in April 2010. That's also when I quit coffee and I quit weed. I decided I just don't need any of those harmful things in my life anymore.

To make sure comedians stick to their time, comedy clubs often "light" them. If you've ever been to a pro comedy show, you may have heard a headliner say "Well, you guys are fun, but I got the light so I better start wrapping up." That means that somewhere in the back of the room, somebody from the club flashed them a light (a pen light, flashlight, spotlight, candle, or big-ass neon sign) indicating they have x amount of time left. On Wednesday, for example, I had a 6-minute set. Again, they told us in the rules "That does not mean 6:30." They told us if we went 6:30 or more, we'd be disqualified. Yikes.

I carefully planned out my set to stay within the time. Being as it was a contest set, I mainly stuck to my material- but I always have to riff a little. Contestant #4, TJ Young, one of the Beards of Comedy, had a great bit about how it's hard for Batman to take off his costume and pee. I was contestant #6. After I did a bit about my son, Batman, I did a call-back to TJ's bit and told the crowd that regardless of his outfit, my goofy son, Batman, pees whenever he's ready- costume or no costume. That was fun.

THE WEIRD FLASHY LIGHT INCIDENT
What wasn't fun is part-way through my set, I noticed a flashing light in the back corner of the room. Uh oh! No way! I thought I had only done 2 or 3 minutes so far! Crap! I know I had dinked around a bit, but there was no way I had a minute left! Crap! Maybe I do need to wear a watch! Crap crap!

On the outside, I kept composure. On the inside, my heart started speeding up. My performance sped up ever so slightly too. I still had a lot to get to before I left the stage.

Here's the thing: the light was flashing, flash flash flash flash flashing! When you see a solid light, that's a calm "start wrapping up" warning. When somebody repeatedly flashes a light, that means "get off the stage you disrespectful amateur!"

I had to figure this out quick. I made a game time decision. This may have been the wrong choice, but I figured since the light was already flashing like crazy, and since I was already way the frack over, I was already screwed. So, I might as well finish strong. I decided to keep on trucking

First things first, I had to fix my set. During my internal freakout, I veered off plan; I did material I didn't plan on doing and I skipped a bunch of material I had planned on doing. Whoops! No biggie; the switched material worked. Everybody was still having fun. All was good. However, for just a second, I forgot what was next and I accidentally plugged my website, jakeisfantastic.com . Really, Jake????!!! This is a contest! 6 precious minutes and you're doing commercials? Crap! Maybe try selling shirts too!

By the way, I had plugged my website once in a contest set before- back in the 2010 Seattle Competition. I was having a decent set, saw the light- and instead of wrapping up I plugged my website. Lame! Why does this keep happening?

That light was still flashing. Man, the light guy is persistent! The website plug had actually gotten a pretty decent response so I decided I should probably go. Just as I was about to leave the stage, I saw the real light, a big red circle. Great. All that thinking for nothing! Dang it! I hate it when I think!

But the light was a second chance. I just enough time to end big. I ended on the closer I planned on ending on, got a really good response and left the stage.

WINNERS

So you probably want to know who moved on that night. That's cool.

CONTEST SUMMARY: HOORAY
So, I didn't move on in the contest. Shut up. I still had a really fun time, though. I enjoyed my set. I like a little chaos.

A lot of great things happened that night too: The $20 free meal my girlfriend scored. I performed in an awesome room to an awesome crowd. I met a bunch of cool comics at the club. I finally met Noah Gardenswartz. We'd been chatting on facebook. We know a lot of the same people. I got to hang out with some guys I already knew like Tushar Singh, Josh Gondelman, TJ Young, Celeste Echols,- and many many more! People are neat.

It was just a fun trip. My girl and I got to travel to Atlanta. I drove a sweet, pimped out, GMC SUV rental car. My girlfriend didn't even make me listen to country music the whole time! Thanks, baby! I love you, but I hate your crappy taste in music!

FINE
Okay, I'll tell you about 1 of the winners: Mia Jackson owned that round. I had met her before during last year's Skull Fest and last year's Laugh Your Asheville Off Comedy Festival. She had done well then, but she crushed this Wednesday! After her set, everybody knew she would advance.

IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SHOWCASE
Whether you are getting ready for a TV set, a contest set, or just showcasing to get in with a new club, it's always good to work on your current showcase set. As my equestrian girlfriend always reminds me, "It's miles in the saddle, Jake." She's right: the more you work your showcase set, the less pressure you will feel when you are on the spot.

Yesterday, Friday, January 6th, I did a guest set at Sidesplitters Comedy Club in Knoxville, Tennessee. I ended up doing pretty much the exact same set I used for the contest. I even did the website plug again! Of course, a guest set actually is a good time to market yourself. Get them to come back when you are doing your week at the club and you can show the club manager that you can draw a crowd.

The point is, a contest set is a great prelude to a guest set. My Sidesplitters guest set was a breeze. I was loose. I was high energy. My set was tight, no filler. Honestly, it was super easy. As the audience filed out of the showroom, they were giving me high-fives, handshakes, and good-jobs in front of the manager. The manager, Bridgette gave me kudos, and told me how to contact her so I can get booked.

As a side bonus, the Sidesplitter comedians were really fun too. The host, Alex Stokes, told me about a show he he wants to book me to do. Co-headliners James Sibley and Rahn Hortman were both super cool too. They gave me their contact info. We're going to do some networking.

By the way, that's how I get almost all my work: networking. Networking got me the Sidesplitters guest set. I had done a showcase at the Columbus Funnybone last fall. Comedian Ian Gutoskie and I hit it off. He told me how great Sidesplitters was, told me who to talk to, and even texted Bridgette to help me get a set there. I owe you one, Ian!

A GREAT WEEK
All in all, as this subheading indicates, I had a great week! I headlined a show, met a bunch of cool comics, took my girl to a couple different states, put cash in the bank, and got in with another comedy club. 2012 is going to be my best comedy year yet. Then, when the apocalypse comes, we will all die.

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. Before the apocalypse comes, check out my new CD, "JAke's First Purge!" You can find it at jakeisfantastic.com, on itunes, or download it in any format for any price you choose at jakeisfantastic.bandcamp.com

Skull Fest 2012, Part 2 of 3: Contests Are a Gamble

2012-01-05T22:35:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

If you're reading my blog, then you know this is part 2 of 3 about my 2012 Laughing Skull Comedy Festival experience. Or, you don't know that, and you should check out part 1 first and then read this entry. Or read this part first and read the other entry afterwards. It's really up to you. I trust your judgment- for now...

Anyhow, this Wednesday, January 4, 2012, I did my 1st contest set of the year. As I explained in my other entry, "Skull Fest 2012, Part 1 of 3: The Laughing Skull Lounge, the Perfect Room"
the Laughing Skull Lounge did all they could on their end to make sure all of us contestants had a successful show. WARNING: There is a twist below, but for the most part, they took care of us.

So, now that we know the club did what they could to make the show a success, this blog entry is mostly about what happened on my end.

CONTESTS ARE A GAMBLE
One of the reasons contestants always feel a bit of pressure in any comedy contest is they are literally gambling with their time and money. Comedians put their time and money on then line in hopes of winning something bigger: cash- and more importantly, paid work from anybody important who sees them at the festival.

Last year when I did the Skull Fest, I gambled the following:

I paid a $35 entry fee
I took a night off gigging to do a preliminary round in Seattle.
I took a week off work to go to the festival in Atlanta.
I turned down 2 weeks' of work at the Loony Bin Comedy Clubs. I lost out on both the pay from the club and a whole bunch of potential merchandise sales.
I got a hotel that cost me a few hundred dollars.
I got a flight that cost a few hundred dollars.
I spent $100 on food for the week.

In short, you could say I gambled around $1500 to do the 2011 Laughing Skull Festival.

This year, fortunately, I was kind of in the area to do the preliminary round. So, my expenses included:

$35 on the contest entry fee.
$60 on my rental car.
$75 on gas to and from Asheville, NC
$5 for parking.
A $20 meal for my girlfriend and me.
1 night off doing paid gigs to do the contest instead.

In short, this year, I gambled around $195- plus any gigs I could have gotten instead of doing the contest.

PROBLEM WITH THE RENTAL CAR
As you probably figured out, I am not the smoothest operator. I tend to screw things up frequently. Being as I had flown from Texas to North Carolina to do all the gigs and showcases I have here, I needed to find cheap transportation to Atlanta. Flying would be $200. A bus would be $100-ish. A Craigslist Rideshare might only be $50. A rental car was $55 plus gas.

I called Enterprise Rental Car to make a reservation. They told me it would be $34 for the car and $20 for their insurance- which I should always get. One time I rented a car because somebody had totaled mine. I was on a budget so I didn't get the insurance. As I was pulling the rental car out of the parking lot behind my apartment, I scratched my rental car against my totaled car. A 2-inch scratch cost me $300! Crap!

So the rental car was $55. Cool. I made the reservation. Then, just out of curiosity, I checked to see how much it would be on Priceline. It was $33 plus only $11 for the insurance. So I got that instead. Turns out the PRiceline insurance is not the same as the "You can run our car into a pole and have a pee fight in the back seat and not owe us any extra money" Enterprise insurance. So, I ended up spending $34 on the car, $11 on Priceline insurance, and $20 on Enterprise insurance. So, basically I good-dealed myself into spending $66 instead of Enterprise's $55. Good job, Jake!

Here's where the real problem happened: Like most car rental agencies, Enterprise wants the money for the rental - plus - a $100 hold on your credit card. Well, both my credit cards are pretty much maxed out right now. I had enough on 1 card for the rental, but not enough for both the rental and the deposit. I had money in the bank, but I couldn't use my debit card because Enterprise requires all these extra documents (your heating bill, a bank statement, your birth certificate, your wiener print, etc.) on all debit transactions.

I called Chase to see if I could make a payment on the phone. Even though it was only 12:45 in the afternoon, they said any payments would post the following day. They could take my money but I couldn't spend it. Crap!

Demetris, our guy at the Enterprise Asheville (located at 579 Tunnel Road, Asheville, NC) found a solution: he lowered the deposit for us and I was able to rent the car- with $2 to spare!!! Thanks, Demetris! Also, I had paid for the economy car, but we ended up getting hooked up with a pimped out GMC SUV. It was a sweet ride with a bunch of USB holes, power everything, and a rearview camera to help when I was backing up. :)

Demetris had talked about my new comedy CD, JAke's First Purge (available at jakeisfantastic.com) and he said he was going to buy it and download it. Needless to say, after his amazing customer service, I gave him the CD. You should check out that CD too!

CAR RENTAL UPDATE: TELL THE MANAGER
My girlfriend is a really positive influence on me. Every time we get great service, she calls the manager over and tells them how great our server or whomever was. If you get good service, you too can tell the manager. Usually the manager just hears complaints. Any time somebody actually gives them a compliment about 1 of their workers, that's job insurance.

Today, I just called Enterprise to tell them how great Demetris is. I also told them how I talked about how great Enterprise is on my blog and in a google review. The manager said he'd put all that in his file. I was glad to hear that. Demetris did a great job and I hope things keep going great for him over there.

FREE DINNER/ THE PERFECT ROAD CHICK
"In the 5 minutes I was gone from supper to go pee, my girl joked w/ a stranger and he slipped her $20 so she could "buy a drink." #WTF?"
-twitter.com/jakeisfantastic

I took my girlfriend, epilepsy advocate, seizuretheday.org blogger Callie Fagg with me to Atlanta. She's 1 of the rare girlfriends that is actually good to take on the road. She's low-maintenance and everybody who meets her instantly likes her.

In fact, if you follow me on twitter, then you know that she met some strangers on Wednesday. We were sitting there at Atlanta's The Vortex Midtown , the restaurant that encapsulates the Laughing Skull Lounge. My stomach had been acting up all day. It rumbled like a steel mill.

Thinking my stomach issues had something to do with my nerves instead of whatever we had eaten the night before, Callie told me something encouraging about the contest. She told me I always do well at regular shows. I should treat this show like a regular show, not a contest. Good thoughts. She is a smart cookie.

However, I think I had a legitimate, non psychological stomach issue. My butt bakery had been cranking out cookie dough plops all day.

The 5 minutes I was gone to the restroom, Callie had made friends with the table next to her. It was a bunch of 50-year-old guys on a retreat from their wives. They had been cracking wise, calling their ringleader a gay. One of them had said something about how one of their crew should buy a round for the rest of them. Callie said something about how they should send something over to her table or something. Honestly, I am screwing this part of the story up. Callie was there. Hit her up on twitter at twitter.com/seizuretheday and ask her about it.

All I know is in the 5 minutes I was in the bathroom, she joked around with these guys about getting a free drink or something and she called 1 of them a homosexual. When I came back, 1 of them had slipped her a twenty-dollar-bill and told her to buy herself a round. I go away for 5 minutes and she scores us free dinner! Man, I love this woman!

If you are curious, she had a 9-inch Vortex hot dog and I had a tossed salad bowl. We both felt dirty.

TO BE CONTINUED...
Well, I initially said this Skull Fest series was a 2-part-er. Turns out I have 1 more big twist to talk about. So, now, this is a 3-part-er. Here's that link to part 1 again. Join me tomorrow as I finish this up!

UPDATE: Here's a link to Part 3, "Skull Fest 2012: Part 3 of 3: The Weird Flashy Light Incident"

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. My new CD, JAke's First Purge is available on itunes, jakeisfantastic.bandcamp.com, and jakeisfantastic.com (among other places)...

P.P.S. Go #skullfest!

Skull Fest 2012, Part 1 of 3: The Laughing Skull Lounge, the Perfect Room

2012-01-05T07:38:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

This entry is part 1 of 3 about my great experience as part of the 2012 Skull Fest Competition

Last night, I performed at the Laughing Skull Comedy Lounge in Atlanta Georgia. I was competing in their 3rd annual Laughing Skull Comedy Festival. If you're a twitterer, you can find their festival news at #skullfest .

This was my 1st time actually performing at the Laughing Skull Lounge. I had been waiting to go there ever since I did some of the festival's satellite shows last year. Here are some of my posts about that:

http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-festival-recap-1of.html

http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-recap-2.html

http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-recap-3.html

COMEDY WORKS: THE PERFECT COMEDY CLUB

I have been blessed the last 10 years with the opportunity to perform at Denver's Comedy Works- every comedian's dream club! The acoustics there are perfect. The low ceilings and baseball diamond shape of that basement room focus all laughter to the stage. The crowds are hip. The fearless door staff courteously polices any would-be-distractors. If you are a halfway decent comic, you are destined to leave that stage feeling like a rock star.

The point is Comedy Works sets up their comedians to win- and win big. They say there are 10 factors involved in making a showroom successful (lights, sound, crowd control, etc.). Comedy Works runs a 10 out of 10 room. So every comedian in the country wants to work there- but only a small percentage gets the opportunity. I am thankful to be 1 of those comedians.

A NEW FAVORITE COMEDY CLUB

It's hard for other clubs to compare themselves to the Comedy Works. However, every now and then, you find a club that offers the same kind of ambience, acoustics, hip crowd and hospitality. After seeing the Skull Fest Quarterfinals last year, I knew the Laughing Skull was such a place.

The crowds are great. Atlanta is a big, progressive city, a Southern cultural mecca. The diverse Atlanta crowds are hip to a wide variety of comedy styles.

The room itself is amazing. Laughing Skull Lounge reminds me of a side-street, indy black box theater. It only seats 70 people. It's real easy to turn that into standing room only. From the stage, the laughter sounds sooooo good. It's like an aural party packed into the size of a big bedroom.

BITING A SMALLER BULLET

On the night of my contest set, I noticed something HUGE the club did for the contestants. Most comedy contests do a disservice to their contestants and throw the 1st comedian under the bus. The emcee kind of gets the crowd going. Then, as his or her set peters out, they bring up the first contestant- who gets the real burden of starting the show. The judges then score low to make sure they leave themselves room to score the remaining contestants higher if need be. That's why the 1st contestant gets the job of "biting the bullet." Going 1st is almost always the kiss of death.

However, Skull Fest took an extra precaution to help insure against that unfairness. I have never seen a contest do that. After the emcee, they had a 2nd comedian warm up the crowd. So, 20 minutes of solid comedy warmed the crowd up well before the emcee announced the 1st contestant. Sure, the judges could still start their scores low, but the 1st contestant had a leg up on every 1st contestant in every other contest I have ever seen- ever. Booking an extra warm-up act is a simple, easy way to make a contest fairer.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I've sort of set the stage for my incredibly enjoyable contest night at the club. I had a really good time performing there. In my next entry, I'll explain how my particular set went. 2 really weird things affected me that night. I am so glad they did! I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

UPDATE: Here is the link to part 2 of this now 3-part series.
UPDATE: Here's a link to Part 3, "Skull Fest 2012: Part 3 of 3: The Weird Flashy Light Incident"

Thanks for reading,

Bye! I'm Jake!

The Backstory Behind "Jake's First Purge"

2011-12-21T01:27:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

A few weeks back, I had way too much yerba mate, a highly stimulating South American beverage. The Incas used to drink it. Maybe the Mayans too. You know, the ones with the pyramids and the calendars? The 2012 people? Whatever. All those Mexicans look the same to me.

The point is I drank 2 pots' worth of yerba mate. Turns out you are only supposed to have 2 cups' worth in a day! Consequently, the next day, I didn't feel so good. All of a sudden, my mind and body recalled that feeling- that feeling I haven't had since my early college days. That feeling right before. That feeling right before your body purges all that was once good into the toilet - or wherever. Maybe into your workplace trashcan- right, ex-girlfriend? You know who are. That's true, by the way.

The point is I puked a bunch.

That got me thinking: Maybe it's time I purge some of my act. I have been doing comedy for 10 years now, so I have a bunch of material that has reached its prime. It's as good as it is going to get. Moreover, I'm evolving. Shouldn't my act evolve too? I'm not Aerosmith. I can't just play the same tune for 40 years and call it good. It's time to make way for new things.

So, I am purging a bunch of my jokes and stories from my act. So, I took a picture of me pretending to puke. Then, I painted a painting called "Jake's First Purge." That picture is now the cover art for my CD.

Back in August 2011, I recorded a bunch of my act at Wits End Comedy Club in Westminster, Colorado. I planned on using 2-3 sets to make a CD. Unfortunately, after recording those shows, I still felt there was a lot more I wanted to purge from my act.

So, I pieced together those Wits End recordings along with recordings from Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado, Snickerz Comedy Club in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and Hyena's in Fort Worth, Texas. Basically, all my comedy was either recorded in Colorado or in a city named after a fort. I took all the best chunks from these places and turned them into tracks. There's about 70-minutes' worth of stand-up.

I added in 8 minute's worth of bonus material including an excerpt from my new podcast, The Battery Podcast, recorded live at The Bovine Metropolis Theater in Denver. I mixed in my old podcast, The Jesus of Denver Podcast (which had way more listeners than my current podcast). I also sprinkled in some weird voicemails I got from friends and strangers. Lastly I added some comedy songs, commercials, and other weird recordings I made.

JAke's First Purge is a 78-minute culmination of some of my best, cleanest, dirtiest, and weirdest comedy. The sound quality is fricking amazing. I didn't want to put out a crappy CD. That's why I waited 10 years. I wanted to wait till I had quality comedy recorded and edited professionally. JAke's First Purge is the real deal.

Look for JAke's First Purge on iTunes, Pandora, Amazon, and other places right after Christmas, 2011. You can also download it NOW at jakeisfantastic.bandcamp.com . Here's the thing: I want the CD in everybody's hands regardless of their financial status. So I decided you can pay whatever price you deem fit. Or, don't pay anything. Get it FREE. Whatever. Just go to jakeisfantastic.bandcamp.com and download the CD at whatever price you like. If you download it though, please tell a friend so they can download it too.

Thanks,
Bye! I'm Jake!

Awesome Things that will Happen Because of the Apocalypse!

2011-11-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

A lot of folks are bummed about the 2012 apocalypse. Boo hoo. Good news, though: every change has its upside. Here are some things you can look forward to for when the apocalypse comes:

No more model/actor/comedians rounding out their resume by doing comedy. Thank God! When they're burning in hell, they can't waste comedians' stage time (and the audience's patience).
All the plastic surgeons will be out of work. Maybe somebody will cut them instead.
All the free guns on the ground.
Free monkeys! I want to get a monkey bodyguard entourage. After a quick visit to the zoo, now I can!
No more bad music on the radio all day!
Never having to watch political smear ads again. Plenty of lambs blood will be smeared all over so the Angel of Death knows whose houses to avoid, but there won't be any politics smeared anywhere.
Being able to break into any ice cream shop and eat as much ice cream as I want.
Lots of uncompromised farting. If you smel like you are dead, the zombies won't eat you.
No more social networking. Seriously. I am sick of this crap. What a waste of time. If you agree, follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/jakeisfantastic
Out of necessity, everyone will have boobs.
All the pretty melted buildings.
Actual acid rain.
The smell of burning hair.
Never having to wish happy birthdays on fakebook ever again.
Appreciating every breath.
A time when there are no more booty shaking rhymes. Rappers will finally have something interesting to "get real" about.
Helping repopulate the world (after the apocalypse). Anybody who needs to get knocked up, just let me know. Of course, I am not going to raise your dumb brats. I just make them.
People dripping out of the skyscraper windows. That is going to look so cool!
Midgets taking over the forest. Seriously. Unless you want to get stabbed in the ankles, don't go in the forest. They'll jump on you from their treehouses!
Eating butterflies for sustenance. Won't that be great to get rid of those useless parasites?
Free poop.
My girlfriend, Callie does not want poop. She just wants your farts. So please give her a fart next time you see her.
The apocalypse will bring an end to Social Security. Who needs a number when you have a gun?
Out of necessity, everyone will have boobs. Yep. I put that one twice.

Feel free to comment and add to the list of Awesome Things that will Happen Because of the Apocalypse!

Also, if you're on twitter, please check out the #yayapocalypse hash tag- and follow me at twitter.com/jakeisfantastic ! Duh.

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. Check out my podcast, The Battery. I've found like a battery, everything has a positive side and everything has a negative side. Get battered with the battery! Check it out on iTunes by clicking here:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/thebattery/id452461797

What I should have said about Laugh Your Asheville Off

2011-08-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I am hanging out in Asheville, North Carolina. I got here Friday night and I am here until Thursday morning. The road here was tricky. I need to organize my thoughts so I can tell you that story.

First, though, I need to tell you about why I came here to begin with. About a month ago, I performed in the annual Laugh Your Asheville Off comedy festival. To save money on lodging, and to meet somebody cool to hang out with, I used my couchsurfing.org account to find a host. I met Callie Fagg, a wonderful person, an "avid equestrian" (her words), and an epilepsy advocate. Please read her blog at seizuretheday.org. I just read the most recent entry Seizure The Day… one ‘weirdo’ at a time…. Very funny, Callie! Anyway, I was supposed to be in South Bend, Indiana this week, but the gig fell through due to construction at the club. Since I am in Indianapolis next week, and since Asheville is only 8 hours away from Indy, I came here to visit Callie, one of the best and brightest people I have ever met. Anyway, I will talk about her more later (ask my friends: I can't shut up about her).

PROPS TO THE LAUGH YOUR ASHEVILLE OFF COMEDY FESTIVAL
With that said, I need to give some much-delayed props to the Laugh Your Asheville Off Festival. I came here July 12-16th this year- and then I stayed a couple extra days to hang out with Callie. My show was Wednesday, July 13th at the Highlands Brewing Company. Being as I had to drive almost 900 miles from the Loony Bin in Wichita, Kansas, I decided to get in a day before my show.

I was exhausted all day on the 13th. Callie told me she didn't know if she liked me much at that point. She said I was nice and everything, but I was so tired so I know I didn't have much of a personality. We ate at The Early Girl Eatery, a local Asheville favorite. I had boogers in my eyes because I had been wearing the same pair of disposable contacts for almost a year. I am pretty sure they were the sample pair my eye doctor gave me when she filled my prescription. They hurt my eyeballs bad. I couldn't stop blinking. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I told Callie I wash my hands a lot. That was a lie. I came back and told her I had actually just gone to the bathroom to rinse my contacts with contact solution and that I wasn't sure why I lied about being an obsessive handwasher. She later told me she thought I was really weird.

Guess what: looks like the heading of this last section was a lie too. I didn't even give props yet. I just talked about eye boogers and lying. Good job, Jake!

PROPS TO THE LAUGH YOUR ASHEVILLE OFF COMEDY FESTIVAL (FOR REAL)
So, I performed at the Highlands Brewing Company with Kyle Kinane and a slew of fricking hilarious comedians. Here's the thing: in a competition, when everybody else is kicking butt, you start thinking about your set and whether it stacks up. However, LYAO was not a competition. So, I could actually watch the other comedians- and get this: I got to enjoy their set instead of wondering who is better. That was awesome. I laughed my Asheville off the whole night!

I have done several festivals now and LYAO has become my favorite. Here's why:

1. The Green Room

I liked how all performers had access to every show's green room and its amenities regardless if they were even on that show. That was super cool. I hung out with comedians and stuffed myself with local pizza, pulled pork, sandwiches, and too many desserts to count.

2. The Industry Panel

The comedians from the week sat in the audience as a panel comprised of bookers addressed us and our concerns. Their information was extremely enlightening. We got to hear from a variety of different kinds of bookers (club owners, one-nighter bookers, festival representatives) about how they do business. I liked hearing the undiluted version of what comedians do right and wrong and specifically how they need us to communicate with them so we can get work with them. It was cool to have them hear from us comedians, too. It was very efficient. Instead of making 50 phone calls to indirectly hear what everybody wants, we just hashed it all out. Also, there were cookies.

3. The Line-ups

The line-ups for each of the shows were amazing. I was so glad to be on Kyle Kinane's show. So funny. I had met him in June after watching him do a benefit show In Seattle. I had been looking forward to sharing the stage ever since.

4. A Festival, Not A Competition

Moreover, every single comedian was super funny. I also think that goes to the heart of the festival. Laugh Your Asheville Off is different from many other festivals because it isn't a competition. Lao Tzu says "The sage does not compete... hence no one can compete with him." Wise words, Tzu!

Since LYAO wasn't a competition and the comedians weren't trying to figure out what jokes the judges might have a problem with, everybody just did their favorite material and put on the best show possible. Instead of experiencing stress and fear and judgment, the comedians relaxed, had fun and made sure the audience did too.

Comedy is about connection, connecting a comedian with a room full of strangers. Competitions are about separating comedians from each other, trying to figure out who is better than all the losers, establishing a caste system.

Competitions are also about profiting off comedians during the competition (via entry fees, and ticket sales they don't get a percentage of) with the promise of profiting off them again if they are lucky enough to win the competition and get booked by the clubs affiliated with the competition. So, to me, competitions go against the very heart of stand-up comedy.

In short, I like how this festival was about showcasing talent and making sure everybody involved had a good time. Also, I connected with a lot of great comedians.

In short, LYAO is the best festival I have ever been to. Also, Callie farts.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Fire Sale Updates, How to Rock a Showcase

2011-08-04T00:11:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

UPDATES
First off, the fire sale is going great. I currently have 24 Craigslist ads up and running. That's down 3 from the other day. Five minutes ago, I sold my Darth Maul skateboard to a honky who looks like he programs computers- but drives a white lowrider with black tinted windows. That's one thing Craigslist has taught me: it takes all kinds.

In the past day, I also sold my book case, and my Big Black Couch. To see the rest of my ads, go to my previous posting (by looking below or by clicking here): http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/08/fire-sale.html .

Secondly, the ninja's check finally came in, so we got the whole rent situation all squared away. Turns out I was stressing over nothing. Ninja has honor!

Now, if I can just figure out how to fix my tooth and get some contacts for my eyeballs, then I'll solve all the problems facing me. Get it? My eyeballs and my tooth are part of my face and they are the problems faceing me. Ah....

HOW TO ROCK A COMEDY SHOWCASE
In other news, tonight, I watched the 1st semi-final round of the 2011 New Faces Contest. What a great round. Every comedian was fun to watch. Congrats to all those who made it this far! The Denver Comedy Works's Annual New Faces Contest starts with approximately 160 comedians and whittles its way down to 8 finalists. Or is it 12? Whatever. It's less than 160. Anyway, the preliminary rounds are brutal. The semi and final rounds are LAPD brutal. They do not allow for a single mis-step. So, again, congrats to all who made it to the semis.

With that said, only 2 of tonight's contestants moved on to the finals, Jodee Champion and Kevin O'Brien. They both had hilarious sets that captivated the audience right off the bat and kept them the whole time- no lulls whatsoever.

That's one thing that really set the top comics apart from the rest of the round: joke economy. It all started with the first words out of their mouths. Besides having extremely witty material and dynamic delivery, Jodee Champion was the first comedian of the night who didn't start her set with "So, how are you guys doing tonight?" or "What's up, Comedy Works?" These questions pander. They also waste the first few precious seconds of your act.

As I have stated before, the worst question you can ask a crowd is "So… what do you guys want to talk about?" Arrgh! I hate that question! However, tonight, I decided I also don't like "So, how are you guys doing tonight?" Your set isn't about how the crowd is doing. The crowd came here to laugh. That's how they are doing. Your set is about how you are doing. Do your jokes.

In a showcase set, you have no time to waste. So, let the emcee do all the cheerleader, rah rah, round of applause stuff. That's their job. If you want to hear how the crowd is doing, listen to them as they respond to the other comedians. Use your time to kick ass! That's what Jodee Champion did. She cut straight to the funny. Throughout her entire set, not a word, syllable, gesture, expression, or moment was wasted. There was absolutely no fluff. Kevin O'Brien, Greg Di Muro followed suit. Neither of those guys wasted a second either. Jodee, Kevin and Greg rocked densely-packed comedy jams. John Crist too. Shoot: I know there are others I am leaving out. A lot of good comics tonight. :)

PROUD OF YOU, JODEE CHAMPION

I have really enjoyed following Jodee's career. I saw her very first set, 3 years ago at the Bovine Metropolis Theater here in Denver. She had potential. She was funny then. Now, though, holy crap: Watch out! Tonight, she crushed. Her applause breaks and laughter were huge. A couple times, she was getting such big response, I thought she was doing her closer. Then she followed that with another bit that I thought was her closer. This must be the closer, right? Nope. She closed with basically, her 3rd closer in a row. That's the way it's done. That's how you showcase. She was PG-13 clean, clever, physical, and diverse. I could absolutely see that set she did tonight on late night TV.

Thanks for rocking it, Jodee. Congrats!

DISCLAIMERS AND RECOGNITION
Now, I don't want to be too preachy about the whole "How are you guys" thingy. I just want to point out what I have noticed. I hope somebody else can get something out of what I have learned from others (and myself).

I should also clarify something: I am totally guilty of wasting all kinds of time during my sets. I have wasted years of people's lives! Been there, done that, trying not to ever do that again.

Lastly, I don't want to detract from the pride all of tonight's contestants should feel for being a semi-finalist in tonight's contest. The point of this episode is basically to highlight 1 thing I saw Jodee and a few others do right.

Yet I can't stress enough that I enjoyed all of the comedians who I saw tonight. So, a special shout out to the semi-finalists (in no particular order):

Brady Quarterman, Chris Miller, David Lee, Greg Di Muro, Jason Keyes, Jason Wesoky, Jodee Champion, John Crist, Kevin O'Brien, Lyn LaChapelle.

Thank you all for doing a great job!

COMEDY WORKS NEW FACES CONTEST INFO
If you Denver folk want to see a hell of a comedy night, make sure you get down to Comedy Works' New Faces Contest. Here's a link with all the info:
http://comedyworks.com/comedians/279

Sow how are you guys doing tonight?

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. To the rest of you, I like you too. Buy my fire sale crap. http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/08/fire-sale.html .

Fire Sale

2011-08-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Hi! I am also broke, totally broke. Consequently, I am taking drastic measures.

BACKSTORY/ HERE ARE SOME OF THE FACTORS STRANGLING MY PERSONAL MICRO-ECONOMY:

This year, I spent a bunch of money on comedy festivals. I spent $150 in submission fees to get into those festivals and about $1599 in gas, flights, and lodging.
This year, I spent nearly $1000 for NACA submissions and fees. My goal is to get a ton more college work next year. Fortunately, I was accepted into both the NACA South and NACA Central regional showcases. I am super excited about that.
I spent way too much on gun and ammo purchases. 2012 is coming. Gotta stock up. All those Mayan zombies are coming back from their Apocalypto pyramid graves to show us their calendar and why it is accurate.
I am bad with money.
I keep booking myself at all 4 corners of the map and gas prices are astronomical.
Believe it or not, I have taken a few gigs where I got underpaid. I never use low money as an excuse to cancel work, but I probably shouldn't accept gigs like that to begin with. Travel is a profitability killer. You can't travel to places that don't pay well. That's just bad strategy.
My roommate moved out in July so I got a new roommate, a ninja, who still owes me a ton of rent money. Ninjas are sneaky and hard to collect from.

RESULTS/ THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY CURRENT PAUPERLISHNESS ARE SERIOUS:

I have a tooth that is all jacked up in the back of my mouth and I can't afford to fix it. My tooth is broke. So am I. I am my tooth. Everytime I eat, my mouth hurts until I floss any debris out of the gap between my 2 back tooth. You'd be surprised how bad a chunk of meat can hurt you!

I have been wearing the same set of contacts pretty much 24/7 for 6 months. You should see the eye snot I am pulling out of my head! Each glob looks like a headless slug! My eyeballs are pissed off like a ferret. I need new contacts super bad, but you can't just buy contacts, first you have to go to the eye doctor. Even though my eyeballs haven't changed in years, the system says I have to get an annual exam first because contacts require a prescription. Why? I know my prescription. Why do I need to pay some white-jacketed fancy pants $150 to validate it? It's not like I'm buying abusable prescription drugs. I am not going to OD on my contacts or black market them to some skeevy hoodlums at Civic Center Park.

I have been giving rides to strangers. The way Craigslist Rideshare works is strangers pay you gas money to ride with you. So far, I have had strangers ride with me from Seattle to Spokane, Seattle to Denver, Denver to Wichita, Kansas City, MO to Asheville, NC, and Asheville, NC to Kansas, MO. This has worked out well. I've had a lot of good conversation and I have saved over $300. Also, it has been actually been very entertaining. One of my passengers was a trucker. Because I drive so much and because he was a trucker, we went 4 hours between bathroom breaks. That's like 10 years to a woman! Anyway, I know safety is a concern when you drive a stranger across several state lines, but so far, I haven't been murdered.

Speaking of women, my moneylessness affects me on a personal level. I really want to see a certain special lady but she lives on the other side of the country and I don't currently have the gas money to get to her. Working on it, though, tasty lips!

I occasionally get a little depressed too because I have been ensconced in debt since 2001. I bought all the possessions I have at a time when I assumed I'd be able to pay my debt off super-quick. The debt-free day has yet to come. every time I get close to being at least credit card debt free, something like my tooth or medical bills or a car accident happens. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! You said it Michael Corleone!

In October, I am moving to Austin. Every moving company I talked to said the move from Denver to Austin would cost me $1,000. No. Forget it. The last thing I am going to do is pay another grand to move all the stuff I couldn't afford to begin with! I already bought my possessions once. I am not paying for them again. Instead of letting my move be another thing that pushes me farther into debt, I am selling all my stuff on Craigslist. Who knows? Maybe my Craigslist sales will make me $1000. Probably not. Regardless, I am getting rid of everything- and not making any more major purchases until I am free, clear, and in the black.

SO YEAH, I'VE BEEN SELLING ALL MY POSSESSIONS:
Here are a few things I put on Craigslist. If you live in Denver, and you want some used thingies, click on the Craigslist ad links below and buy them (while supplies last). Or, if you just want to see how I write silly ads, feel free to peruse.

"5:30 a.m." / a painting by Jake Sharon - $50 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
"Zombie Nosepicker" /A Painting by Jake Sharon - $25 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
"Red Angry Jake" / A Painting by Jake Sharon - $35 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
Gas Can (2 Gallon 8oz/ 7.81L ) - $5 (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE).
Kinyo computer speakers - $5 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
Book shelf- $10 (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE)
Bigger dresser (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
File cabinet - $70 (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE)
Interex Surge Slayer surge protector. $10 (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE)
5-quart Crock Pot. Only $5! That's $1 per quart! (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE)
Hamilton Beach Coffee Grinder - $5 (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE)
4 mixing bowls- great for mixing! $5 (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE)
Rotating utensil holder for kitchen + utensils - $10 (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE)
Essential oil aroma therapy cabinet and oil system - $10 (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE).
Tiny paper shredder- $7 (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE)
Universal 5-in-1 docking station for iPod- $15 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
Workforce twin pack sawhorses -$5 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
Skilsaw Classic Circular Saw model 5275 - $20 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
Stanley steel-toed, size 12 work boots. - $5 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
Stanley Tape Measure - $5 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
"Case it" portable 184 CD/DVD case - $8 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
"Case it" portable 168 CD/DVD case - $5 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
Star Wars Darth Maul Skateboard - $10 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
2 great web design books - $10 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
Hygrometer, Barometer, Thermometer - $5 (AVAILABLE CLICK HERE)
My former roommate's former rug. (AVAILABLE. CLICK HERE)
My former roommate's other former rug - $25 (SOLD)
Iron and ironing board. I don't ever iron. (SOLD)
Lap desk that was given to me by an ex (SOLD)
I-POD Shuffle (SOLD)
As Seen On TV Pro Fit Iron Gym Workout Bar, Total Upper Body, 1 bar. Got rid of it because I don't ever work out. (SOLD)
Paper cutter with picture of chopped off hand and spurting blood drawn on it. (SOLD)
40 quart igloo cooler. (SOLD in Asheville, NC while I was in town for the Laugh Your Asheville Off Comedy Festival)
Epson Stylus Photo 220 inkjet printer -$20 (SOLD)
Snow shoes that were given to me as a gift. Don't need them in Texas. (SOLD)
Trippy aluminum tree color wheel christmas light. I don't do drugs anymore. Trippy is much less appealing than it used to be. (SOLD)
Optimus computer speakers. (SOLD)
Big Black Couch that I got for free when the Bovine Metropolis Theater was getting rid of a ton of their stuff. - $10 (SOLD)
My former neighbor's shovel. He lives in Nashville. His sister waters her garden with our water. Pretty sure we're square. (SOLD)

BESIDES SELLING ALL MY POSSESSIONS, I ALSO HAVE:

A DVD for sale, called "Hi! I'm Jake!" You can buy it from my website (at a friend-price discount) by clicking here.
Shirts for sale. Click here to check them out at a discounted friend price.

Thanks,
Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. I also have a new podcast called The Battery. Check it out on iTunes by clicking here.
P.P.S. The Battery podcast is free.
P.P.P.S. If you have any jokes you think I should write into my Craigslist ads, please comment on this blog and I will try to work them into the ads.

What Do You Guys Want To Talk About?

2011-07-31T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

A couple weeks ago, I ran into a strange phenomenon. Four comedians, within the same week, asked the crowd "So... what do you guys want to talk about?"

When I heard this question, I immediately thought the answer "Nothing. Get off stage." The crowds thought the same thing. If they had previously had any trust in that comedian's set, they had now lost it.

Here are several reasons why "What do you guys want to talk about?" is a stupid question for a comedian to ask:

It indicates you don't know what you should be talking about onstage. You're asking the crowd what you should talk about because you don't know. A professional comedian does know. It's your job to bring prepared material to the stage and to deliver it. That's your job. You're not doing it. If you don't have anything to talk about, get off stage. Let somebody else use the it.
You shouldn't ever ask a question you are not prepared to handle. That doesn't mean you need to know the answer, but you need to be prepared to handle it. See reason 1: obviously you aren't prepared.
When you are on stage, you are on the spot. Just like you clearly are not prepared to be on the spot, audiences typically don't like being put on the spot either. Sure: if you ask them a yes/no question they can easier answer it with applause, groans, boos, cheers. But ask them an open ended question and they have to think. They didn't come here to think. They came to drink- and possibly laugh if you present the opportunity.
Look: I know it's fun to improv and some amazing comedy moments come from your organic reactions to the surprises a live show can bring. That is fun. But good improv requires a good setup that starts off that interaction so you can have a good reaction. "What do you guys want to talk about?"is not a good setup. If you want to do some crowd work, you have to give them something to work with, a concept to latch on to. Even "Who here is celebrating a birthday" is a better question. At least there might be a birthday involved. At least they'll have something to celebrate- besides your departure.
Whenever you ask "What do you guys want to talk about?" it's like you are stretching for time. Fortunately, there are typically other comedians on the show. No need to stretch. Just leave. You're not a hostage up there. You can go. Suddenly, you turned the crowd into hostages, though.

Anyway, I am sure there are plenty of other reasons why "What do you guys want to talk about?" is a bad comedic choice. If any of you comedians ever find yourself about to ask that question, just leave. Use a tried and true bit, end with a laugh, and leave. Or, if you don't have that tried and true bit, give a round of applause for the wait staff or the host- and leave. Or don't do anything- except leave. It would even be funny if you ask "What do you guys want to talk about?" and then when the crowd doesn't respond, you just leave. I guess what I am saying is, just leave.

What do you guys want to talk about,

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. Seriously. What do you expect to happen when you ask that? Someone will throw out a topic and you'll suddenly generate 20 minutes of genius material out of the blue? Sorry. Not going to happen. Just leave.

Dog Party, The UMS, Sad Stuff & Connections, Big News

2011-07-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Taking a note from Seizure The Day blogger Callie Fagg, I am going to start being more regular about my blog. Instead of pumping out horrendously long entries every few months, I will put out a paragraph or 4 at a time. Little, regular bites instead of clunky feasts. Cool. That's 1 paragraph. 3 to go.

DOG PARTY
Last night, I was at a party for my good friend, comedian Lori Callahan. Host, Terri Barton Gregg put on a great party. Tons of food, tons of good people. Also, tons of dogs. One dog somehow had a dog injury and his eye popped out of his head. When the party people told me about this, because most of the guests were comedians, at first I thought they were making a weird joke. Turns out, no. Terri had to rush the dog to the hospital to get its eye poked back in. From what I hear, the dog will need $1500 in surgery. Yikes. And I have been complaining about how I can't afford to fix my tooth! I don't even think my dentist could fix an eyeball.

THE UMS
At the party, I ran into a very funny comedian, Jodee Champion. Jodee had recently done one of my stages at Denver Post's annual Underground Music Showcase. That's a really fun music festival here in Denver. They have 15 or 20 stages up and down South Broadway. Bands play all week. You can walk into one venue, check out a few songs, walk next door and check out another band. Rinse repeat. I saw Git Some, a badass punk band originally out of Chicago, Wheelchair Sports Camp, an incredible hip hop group, and tons of other awesome artists.

I also put on 2 shows at The Hornet and SOBO 151 and appeared on Ben Kronberg's stage at Michaelangelos. Fun shows. There is a weird aspect to those shows though: Normally, comedians have a captive audience that doesn't get up unless they have to pee (or poop), or the comedian made them mad enough to leave. But this was a music festival; people wanted to cram as much culture as possible into their heads each night. People walked in and out of the music shows- and they did the same at the comedy shows. So, suddenly, we'd have an audience or suddenly half that audience would go away. They were having fun, but they wanted to see other stuff too. When I wasn't performing in the festival, I did the same thing.

As a result, some of the comics on my shows had smaller crowds and some had bigger crowds. I emceed my shows. I like hosting. Normally, I don't do any material in between acts, but since this wasn't a regular show, in between Kristin Rand's set and Elliot Woolsey's set, I decided to do a 7-minute political set. I could see Elliot getting a little antsy because I appeared to be dragging the show out just before he got up there. Normally, that is a really crappy thing for an emcee to do by the way. However, just as I wrapped that set up, 15 people came in and sat in the front. They were into the show and ready to go. Elliot ended up in the sweet spot and had the set of the night. He crushed.

Also, I should note that at my The Hornet UMS stage, Alicia Jacobs had a huge set. That also was not an easy show and she rocked it. She has great jokes, a big likable personality, tons of characters. She had a really tight, really big set. Total pro.

SAD STUFF and CONNECTIONS
The reason I am telling you about the UMS is when I saw Jodee last night, we were hanging out, having a couple laughs and she talked about how the SOBO 151 audience was kind of rough. True. Because people came and went, the crowd fluctuated a bunch. When Jodee was on stage, there wasn't much of a crowd at all. However, after the show, a guy who stuck around for the whole show came up to me and thanked me. He told me how he just really needed a laugh. He had just moved to town. He was kind of down because he didn't know too many people in Denver and his friend had recently died. He needed the laugh. So, though the show may have seemed rough at times for us, we helped somebody going through an actual rough time. We connected with somebody who needed that connection. We fixed a bad day. Isn't that what this is all about?

I had 1 other moment like that during that week. I featured for Kenny Kane at Denver's Comedy Works South club. We had a great show with Sam Adams emceeing, me featuring, and Kenny headlining. The crowd was amazing too. After the show, a lady came up to me and told me she really enjoyed the show, and that I reminded her of her son. She said her son was a lot like me. Was? Her eyes welled up for a moment and she gave me a hug. She told me that her son had been murdered at a young age and that it was good to see me do what I do.

These were 2 big, unexpected moments. Comedy is about jokes, laughs, hitting the road, living poor, rejection, elation, victories, long distance calls to your friends and family. Lost in the midwest one-nighters, there are days when you ask yourself why you even get on stage. Sometimes, in addition to the instant gratification of laughter, you get a real answer to that question. Comedy isn't just about laughing. It's about release. It's about somehow melding your emotions, your tension, your fear, your sadness, your anger, with audience's emotions- and releasing them. Comedy is about connection.

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS...
Well, I said I was only going to write 4 paragraphs. Turns out I was wrong. So far, I have done 9. Here's a 10th. I have gone over my time. As comics often say before their "big closer," I'll leave you with this...
I have some big news:

In 2 weeks, my buddy Curt Fletcher I co-headline Wits End Comedy Club in Westminster, CO.
After 2 years of not doing the Jesus of Denver Podcast, I am podcasting again. Check out my new Podcast, THE BATTERY, on iTunes. We're 2 episodes deep and both of my guests have been fantastic.
I have a DVD for sale now. It's called Hi! I'm Jake! Check it out here.

Thanks for reading!

Bye! I'm Jake!

Fun Fact #1

2011-05-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I am in Seattle right now, sitting on the couch at Susan Jones's house, breathing in the fumes of lemon spice herbal tea. It's delicious.

Onto less pressing matters...

THE FUN FACTS :
As some of you know, each of my business cards since 2010 has a fun fact. So far, I have 15 different fun facts, each 1 associated with a different business card design.

The 1st fun fact I printed was actually fun fact #5. I wanted to show that my fun facts had history. Success!

Now that I have done a bunch of these fun facts, though, I no longer need to do that. So, here is the most recent fun fact, fun fact #1 (I am going back and filling in all the numbers I skipped). Enjoy!

---------------------
FUN FACT #1:

My potato gun is made of PVC pipe, airplane
glue, & a gas grill igniter. You jam a potato down
the barrel, spray cheap hair spray in the chamber,
put the cap on, aim, then press the igniter!
Cool way to waste food! No wonder 3rd world
countries love us!

I also like to wrap
D batteries in duct tape (to get a tight fit),
jam them into my potato gun,
& fire them off at the energizer bunny!
He keeps going & going &... nope, now he’s dead. Whoops!

BONUS FUN FACT:

In May 2011,
I made my 1st DVD,“Hi! I’m Jake!”
You will soon be able to buy it at http://jakeisfantastic.com
------------------

FUN FACTS ABOUT THIS BUSINESS CARD:

Here is a picture of the current business card:

I usually hand my business cards out after my shows to the people who tell me they liked my set. I'm hoping they check out my website, http://jakeisfantastic.com and come to another show in the future.
Fun fact #1 is the only batch of cards so far that is black and white. I made them black and white to save costs. At Kinko's the price more than doubles if you do color.
Normally I print these business cards at http://gotprint.com . However, I ran out of business cards and I'm at Harvey's in Portland this week. I need to make sure I get people to come back next time I'm in town, so it's especially important I have something to hand out. So, I printed a limited batch of fun fact #1 my cards at Kinko's.
Printing my cards at Kinko's took forever! The lady ahead of me had some issue with her coupon or discount or something so it took 25 minutes before they could get to my stuff. While I waited, I farted a bunch. I had eaten eggs today. Egg farts are pretty bad. Kinko's was really warm, too. A loving couple smelled my fart and swiftly walked past me. When I finally got my cards printed, I still had to spend 90 minutes cutting them. Yay! I'm a cutter!

----------------

Well, I'm watching a movie and eating some nuts right now. I can't just talk about a business card all day now, friend!

Bye! I'm Jake!

Laughing Skull Comedy Festival RECAP 3: Broken Leo, Bad Salad, Bulldog

2011-04-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I just re-read the previous entry, http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-recap-2.html, and I realized in the rush to put these blog episodes out, I forgot to highlight some extremely positive aspects of doing this festival. Man, it almost seems as if I was complaining. I really didn't mean to come across that way. I had a blast down there. I hope to do it again next year.

SO, HERE ARE SOME AMAZING THINGS ABOUT THE FESTIVAL:

I hung out with some fantastic people.

Here is a list of amazing people I hung out with. If your name isn't here, it's because I didn't get a business card from you or I am just forgetful. It doesn't mean we aren't friends:

Todd Johnson, Collin Moultin, Ari Shaffir, Valarie Storm, Lee Paul, Justin Morgan, Laura Lewis, Sam Morril, Mike Baldwin, Vincent Holiday, Jon Pfendler, Andy Fiori (coolest business card, by the way), Mike Shiner, Jessica Brodkin, Dave Williamson, Matt Knudsen, Nick Hart, Cleveland Jackson, Leo (Broken Leo) Goodman, Leo (Black Leo) Flowers, Tommy Sinbazo, Kristen Becker, Sarah Blodgett, Harrison Greenbaum, Shaun Bedgood, Troy Walker, Mike Storck, David Jelenko, Michael Yoder, Eric Yoder, Jamison Yoder, Mark Craycraft, Tyler Boeh, Bob Wood, Danny Kallas, Trey Toler, Alex Gardener, Celeste Echols, and friends...

I put the "and friends" part at the end so nobody can complain I didn't list them. Are you my friend? Then I listed you.

The headliners for the competition were amazing!

When I watched the Thursday 8pm Quarterfinal, I was super-impressed by the talent level. Ari Shaffir crushed it. Jon Pfendler was killing me! Bowers had me rolling. I don't even remember who all moved on, but I had a blast. Then, they brought out Margaret Cho. Holy crap! Turns out she lives there. I got to meet her in person and everything. Nice. I know Gary Gulman did a couple shows. Steve Hofstetter did some shows. It was really cool. I didn't see his set, but he is good at kickball.

I know I can think of plenty of things that rocked. Give me a second. In the meantime, though, I have a few more stories.

My act now has a new direction

I got an e-mail from a festival coordinator who read my blog and said he wasn't thrilled about me bluffing my way onto that political show. He made a good point: if I am going to bluff, maybe I shouldn't blog about it. True. Busted. Showed my cards. Honestly, anything you put in print can come back to bite you. Case in point: I had a girlfriend a long time ago who cheated on me with a bunch of dudes and then blogged about that. I wasn't too thrilled about that either.

However, this is slightly different. As I told this booker, "writing for that political show was the best thing that happened to my act in years. The set I did for that show is now my new showcase set. It's also the new direction for my act. For the first time since I started stand-up, I am super-passionate about what I am talking about. I'm telling you I put more effort into those 6-7 minutes than I ever have into a showcase set.

I built that set from the ground up. I canceled work to do that set because I know how important it is for me. As a comic, I have never been political. As a person, though, I have serious convictions about my libertarianism, so serious I was never able to turn them into a set- till now.

Also, I am kind of Jewish. Lol. My Jewish ancestry is just way-way-way back. Sorry about that."

Oh, yeah: I did fudge the truth about being Jewish. Ever hear of Ariel Sharon? My name is Jacob Sharon. We're practically cousins 53 times removed! Probably shouldn't have tried to be Jewish. I really like Jews, though. They have awesome food!

A NICE DAY IN THE PARK- OH NO!

I know what you're thinking: comedians are all super athletic Übermensch. We get into comedy because we are strong, confident, successful business-people who refuse to live with their parents after 40 and things are generally going well for us. It's all true. We are perfect people. We even have health care. Comedy comes from easy days and success, not pain and weakness. False.

On Saturday, April 9th, 2011, a crapload of the wimpiest, palest*, least coordinated, most hungover people to walk the earth, walked to Atlanta's Piedmont Park to play the annual North vs. South Laughing Skull kickball game. *the black guys were not pale.

Anyway, most of us were exhausted. If you read my previous entry, you know that my buddies and I were out at Waffle House till 6:00 a.m. Holy crap. I didn't feel so magnificent now!

As we traversed the park in Atlanta's Mid-Town/ gay district, a few of the comedians spotted an unusual behavior: 1 man was face deep in another man's output. In broad daylight, in a park full of families, kids, and now comedians, he was eating another man's Asslanta! You've got to be kidding me! It was Saturday! Moms are like "Go outside and play kids! TV is bad for your eyes." So was the cake-eating contest! Come on guys! I thought Cheesman Park in Denver was bad! They at least find a bush to rustle.

KICK BALL, CAN'T CATCH BALL

Steve Hofstetter, festival coordinator explained to us that we'd pick the teams by the state we were from, North vs. South, just like the Civil War. Colorado wasn't even around during the Civil War, so I got to choose. Remember in my previous blog how I said it's good to meet bookers in person to see how their mind works? Well, this was another excellent opportunity to do that. Steve books a bunch of stuff so I picked the North. That decision made all the difference for me.

Since each team had so many players, Steve had a system of subbing everybody out. We all got a turn. Cool. I played the outfield, right field for 3 minutes. I watched people who were able to catch the ball. They made their arms into a basket. That's what I did. As soon as I got out there, I put my arms in basket mode and just left them hanging there. Suddenly a pop fly came my general direction. No problem. I was in basket mode. Unfortunately, the ball went about 4 feet above me and I completely missed it. I wasn't even close. Had I backed up a half-mile, I might have caught it. I could see the problem clearly; I was just in the wrong place. While I scrambled to get the ball that evaded me, I think the other team had 3 runs. Whoops.

Now, if I was playing with the Comedy Works staff, like I did a few weeks ago, everybody would have just had a laugh. That wouldn't have been close to the biggest error in that game. In fact, the Comedy Works crew had a rule that everybody who played had to have a beverage in their hand while playing. They all had beers in their hands. Imagine the athletic prowess highlighted in that game! I don't drink, so that day, I single-fisted a water bottle (which still makes it hard to catch even without the intoxication).

The Comedy Works game and the Skull Fest game were 2 very different games. Steve took my gross error seriously. I got subbed out. I actually got subbed out. What I am saying is he sent in Sam Morril to take my place. I actually got subbed out! No way! Are you serious? My kickball skills are so bad I got replaced? That killed me. So funny. Who takes a stand-up comedian's attempt at athleticism seriously? Steve did. I was booted. If I had missed a catch at the Comedy Works game, to be honest, I don't think anybody would have noticed- unless I also spilled my beverage.

My buddy Troy Walker told me "You didn't even try!" A couple comics ratified that sentiment. I thought I did try. Pre-emptive basket arms are my version of trying.

Anyway, this was a good opportunity to see how Steve's mind works. I'm not sure exactly what lesson I can derive from this, but I can tell you if he takes kickball this seriously, I am not going to horse around when it comes to comedy business. He is a serious man! I feel I am usually fairly professional with bookers, but I will make sure to handle Steve's business to the tee. I will not just make an arm basket and assume I'm set. :)

Yeah, I put an emoticon in my blog. It's my blog. I can do whatever I want. Shut up.

Fun fact: I did get a chance to redeem myself. When Steve wasn't looking, my teammates let me kick and I got a base hit. Then, I got a run. So, Jake's defense= crap. Jake's offense= fantastic. After that run, I stopped playing and got some snacks. I quit while I was ahead.

KICK BALL, RUIN SHOULDER

We all took one moment somewhat seriously. Leo Goodman was playing 1st base. He actually caught the ball, but somehow, dislocated his shoulder. Most of us comics do not have medical expertise. Some of the comics were trying to get him to fix it by running into a tree. He did not do that. I think I saw someone trying to stand on his arm or something.

Fortunately, a random couple who happened to be at the park drove Leo to the hospital. Also fortunate, he is one of the rare comedians who has health insurance. Sweet.

There is 1 more bright side. The festival had 2 Leos, Leo Goodman and Leo Flowers. Since Leo Goodman is white and Leo Flowers is black, I'd been calling them White Leo and Black Leo. Now, I could just call Leo Goodman, Broken Leo, and Leo Flowers- well, he was still Black Leo. Black Leo found out about this. "You mean I was Black Leo this whole time?!?!" Yep. Yes you were.

Oh yeah, there is yet another bright side. Broken Leo turned out okay. He told the hospital he had a show in a few hours and they got him out in time. He was on the Storytelling show with me. Now, he had another good story. Sweet!

LESSER BBQ
I didn't think I was a barbecue snob, but it turns out I am. I have had some amazing Texas barbecue and now, nothing compares. The Denver barbecue places all charge more and give you less than Rudy's (A Texas chain that has spread to OK, NM, and Colorado Springs) or Hard Eight (Coppell, TX). We went to 5th St Ribs n Blues. It wasn't horrible, but it was just okay. Their pork sandwich was dry and not nearly as flavorful as Rudy's or Hard Eight. Also, they didn't have brisket. How can you not have brisket? They did do 1 thing really right, though: their wings were fantastic. They need to use whatever sauce they put on that and put it on everything!

NO NAP
After over-eating, I should have gone back to my room and slept. I was exhausted from the night before and from my 5 minutes playing in the kickball game.

However, I had been procrastinating submitting to the Asheville Festival. I hear it's a cool town. I really want to go. I needed to get that done. April 10th was the last day to submit. Part of the reason I had been dragging my heels is I wanted to make sure to send the right set, the smartest set I currently possess. I brought 10 tapes with me to review in my hotel room. I should have taken care of this long ago, but I had been getting ready for this festival. I put a lot of time into the political set I generated.

I was really happy with the set I submitted. I recorded it at Comedy Works the night before the festival. We had a small crowd, but they were really responsive. Thanks, crowd!

Anyway, I didn't get a nap. I just had more tea. Caffeine is just like a nap, yeah?

BUFORD THEATER
I was dragging über ass before the show. The drive to Buford took awhile. Driving, even riding in a van can drain you a bit. If you are already drained, forget it. Good news: Erika was on the show. I was looking forward to seeing her set. My buddy Collin Moultin was emceeing the show. Man, that guy is good! Harrison Greenbaum was on the show. I really enjoyed his Quarterfinal set. Broken Leo was on the show. Butch Wesley was on the show. He's from Cincinnati. We had swapped Troy Baxley stories.

Okay, so I am going to go take a lunch break now. I can't just type all day! Yesterday, I made corned beef in my crock pot. I also made pickles. I put cucumbers in the corned beef sauce and it turned into pickles. I like you.

Okay, I'm back now. I'm full. Now, just like I wanted to eat some food before finishing this blog, on April 9th, I wanted to make sure I had enough energy for my storytelling set. As soon as we got to the club, we went up satirs to the balcony. That's where they had us hang before our sets. We could see the show, see the audience, and still be separated form the audience. I did a bit of yoga up there. It felt weird doing it in front of my peers so I looked for solitude. I used the floor of the men's restroom. Yep. That's gross, but I needed to loosen up. I was feeling extra tight. Also, I needed energy. Opening up your lungs really helps with that. Breathing gives you energy. Who knew?

One cool thing is I listened to the audio of my storytelling set (which I tested 2 nights before back in Denver). I am really glad Andrew Orvedahl had me on The Narrators, his storytelling show. Cool. That helped a lot. Thanks, Andrew!

I told the story about the time I got cuffed while working campus security at Hastings College. Turns out it is a lot of fun to tell that story. All 3 times I told it on stage I had a blast! I'd like to hone it a bit and put it in my act.

RIDE HOME
On the ride back, I didn't take the shuttle. I rode with Collin Moultin. We talked about economic determinism. That was cool. Then I had to pee real bad. All that tea kicked my butt.

ANOTHER PARTY
They had another party at the Vortex. I said about 10 goodbyes then took off. I wanted to say goodbye to everybody, but I had an early travel day the next day. I had to get up by 9. That's so early!

GETTING HOME
The flight back was okay, but kind of boring. No in-flight entertainment. One thing was cool, though, Andy Erickson, Tommy Thompson and I took the train together. Then I got to hang out with Erika Wasser and Harrison Greenbaum at the airport. Sweet!

I had a quick layover at DFW. I watched the rest of "Torn Curtain," 1 of my favorite Hitchcock movies. I had it on my laptop.

After I got back into Denver, I had to take the bus home. I could have gotten a ride, but I would have probably thrown whomever $20 for picking me up. Instead, I took the bus for $10. See? Maybe I am Jewish. Kidding! The bus took forever! It took 4 transfers to get home. 1 of my transfers left me on Colfax for 15 minutes. It's always a good idea to carry a laptop, ipod, droid phone, cash and the big red flag, your luggage when you are hanging out on East Colfax. There's no way you'll get stabbed out there!

FINAL STORY
At some point in my blog, I feel like I needed to mention the Bulldog, the militant gay bar across the street. These guys aren't the prancy kind of gays. These are the "yeah I been to prison," beat you up kind of gays. According to Collin, a couple weeks ago he saw a butch security guard lady yell at some dudes in the alley. "Y'all can't be f##king in the alley!" They zipped up- till she left. Then she came back. "I told you, y'all can't be f##king in the alley!"

OVERALL
Well, would I go back to Skull Fest again? Absolutely. It was a blast. I met tons of cool people. I got some direction for my act.

Am I going to cancel work to do the festival? Good question. Maybe? If I know I will be seen by industry, I'll definitely do it. If not, then I might be gigging. Cause it's bros befo hos and cash before other stuff.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Links:

http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-festival-recap-1of.html
http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-recap-2.html
http://www.skullfestival.com/
http://jakeisfantastic.com

Laughing Skull Comedy Festival RECAP 2:Politics, Crackheads, Waffles

2011-04-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Right now, my mouth tastes like braunschweiger and matzoh bread. I like to mix my Jew food with German food. I'v also been watching a lot of Sons of Anarchy since last night. I don't know how accurate that biker gang tv show is, but it's somewhat entertaining.

This entry is part 2 (of 3) of my adventures in Atlanta last week. Here's a link to part 1: http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-festival-recap-1of.html
Here's a link to part 3:

http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-recap-3.html

I had a great time at the Laughing Skull Festival and I'll definitely enter it again. It's amazing how much networking you can do when 100+ people in your industry are hanging out at the same place at the same time. However, this opportunity comes at a cost...

LOST WORK/ A HARD CHOICE
In addition to the $700 I'd already spent by day 1 of the festival (as mentioned in the previous entry), doing the festival cost me time, and more importantly, business.

I was on the fence about doing Laughing Skull because the same week I got the offer to do the festival's political show, I got an offer to work 2 weeks for the Loony Bin clubs in Wichita and Oklahoma City. Those are both great clubs that pay well and put you up in nice housing. My theory has always been 2 bird in the hand is worth more than paying a bunch of money to travel to another state and work for free. I told the booker I could do OKC. Then I asked if I could get both weeks. He said sure.

The thing is, when all this was transpiring, I was sitting in the Comedy Works South green room, talking to my friend Billy Wayne Davis, a great comedian. He told me I should do the festival because there would be industry at every show. This could be a great opportunity to be seen. He said I'd be making money in the short term, but in the long term, I could make more if I got signed with somebody or whatever.

Prior to talking to BW, I was resolved to do the club work. There was no doubt in my mind that I'd rather have cash than pay to do shows. Plus, I know I could sell a lot of merchandise in OKC. Last time I was there, I made bank. However, what Billy Wayne said made sense. If the right person saw me kick some butt, it could help my career a bunch. So, I turned the booker down and confirmed my spot in the festival. The next day, I started second-guessing my decision a little bit.

Check this out: a couple weeks later, another club owner got back to me. In addition to working the 2 weeks for the Loony Bins, I could have tied on 2 weeks in Dallas and Fort Worth. All that stuff is only a few hours away from Oklahoma City. Dang it! Since I didn't have the OKC and Wichita weeks to route with DFW, I turned them down too. So, basically, I turned down a month's worth of work to do the festival. The way I see it, including my pay for those weeks plus merch sales, I turned down $2000 worth of work - and instead paid $700 to perform. That might have been stupid.

LUNCH WITH BOOKERS (WHY IT'S GOOD TO MEET THEM IN PERSON)
On Friday, April 8th, I got up late. The previous day's worth of travel kicked my butt. Plus, I had already spent a ton on food and whatnot. So, I decided to eat cheap. I walked over to the Jimmy John's chain restaurant sandwich shop.

As I got to the restaurant, I ran into Eric and Michael Yoder. Sweet! I met them the night before at the Vortex restaurant. The Yoders book a bunch of gigs. If you read my blog, then you know I had recently worked for them in Sioux Falls, SD. I thought they were just passing by, but they went into the restaurant too. Cool. We all ordered and then we sat together.

I was telling them how I was glad to be at the festival, but I had turned down a bunch of work to do it. Eric told me that giving up that work was worth it because the comedians all get face time with the people who book them. Good point.

I kept Eric's point in mind the rest of the weekend. See, when you hang out with someone in person, it does a couple things: it allows you to see how their mind works (and vice versa) and it allows them to see you as a person, not just an email address asking for work.

It was cool hanging out with the Yoders. They used to just be guys I do business with. Now I realize they are also fun to hang out with. Man, I hate ending sentences with prepositions!

POLITICAL SHOW (WHY IT'S GOOD TO MARKET THE SHOW/ WARN EVERYBODY WHAT THEY ARE GETTING INTO)
On Friday, April 8th, I did my political set at the Funny Farm in Roswell, GA. Roswell is 30 minutes away from the Laughing Skull and my hotel. Since I flew in, I didn't have my car. Fortunately, the festival set up shuttle rides. They rented vans and got some local comics to drive us around.

Atlanta comic, Laura Lewis drove us to Roswell. I know this because she gave me her business card. On the back of everybody's business card, I write where I met them and a little note about them. For example "Laura Lewis. Met in ATL. Owe her a ride."

The Sunday before I left Denver for Atlanta, Troy Walker and I did a show at the Comedy Works. We met Monica, a Georgian who now lives here in Colorado. She came to the show. She told me all about Roswell. She said it was the rich white town North of Atlanta. Great. I prepped my set counting on the fact I'd be performing for at least some black folks. I love my black audiences. Truth be told, they are my favorite. We get along really well. I was bummed that I'd be doing time for rich white people. I imagined a bunch of IT nerds.

Turns out the Funny Farm was located inside of Andretti's, named after Mario Andretti, the famous race car driver. It's a Dave and Buster's-style entertainment center complete with video games, rides, and Andretti-styled go karts. Okay, not exactly what I imagined. As our crew showed up, the 8pm ladies show was still going on. It was packed! Sweet! Then, the showroom emptied.

The next crowd started filing in- actually, I should say trickling in. The ladies show was packed, but the political show was not. 175 people could sit in that room and I bet we had about 30- maybe 50- probably just, 30 people, though. On Wednesday of last week, just 2 days before the show occurred, the festival folks told us they had comps for the show. Not that I know a ton of people in Roswell, but 2 days is never enough time for me to gather a crowd. Good news, though, my couchsurfing host showed up. Cool! I can always draw at least 1 person.

Another weird thing about this show is it was a political show and nobody who came to see the show even knew it was a political show. Boy, were these strip-mallers in for a surprise! How do you not tell them? Political comedy is weird enough when you expect it. Depending on a comedian's slant, they can really polarize the crowd. Good news: despite the crowd's unawareness of the political nature of the show, they all stuck around. We challenged their suburban brains with libertarianism, idealism, history lessons, and yes, 1 guy did abortion jokes (not me).

CORRECTION (made on April 14, 2011): turns out the show was marketed as a political show. My journalism is a bit rusty. Sorry for the mis-represntation of the facts. Turns out the folks that read the ad just didn't read the part that explained this was a political show. Well, glad to have them anyway.

NO INDUSTRY
I didn't care that there wasn't much of a crowd. I could make do. I didn't care that some of the other comics were just doing their regular sets, sans political material. I didn't even care that 2 days prior we got an e-mail telling us to be TV clean. I was working pretty clean anyway, but imagine if I wasn't! 2 days isn't enough time to sanitize some comedians' acts. But I didn't care about that. Turns out neither did the rest of the comedians. Parts of that show got pretty dirty.

What I did care about though, is after all this work and time I put into this set, there was absolutely no industry present. None. The whole reason I turned down those 2 weeks of work is I hoped to be seen. I need a college agent ASAP. There were no college agents, no representatives, no managers, no club owners, no agents, not even a pimp!

CORRECTION(made on April 14, 2011): Well, there still wasn't any industry, but I probably should have figured that. The show was 45 minutes from downtown. Der. Next time, I just have to bust my but and get in the quarters so they can see me there.

THEY TAPED THAT?
Good news, though: they taped the show. That's why they wanted us to be clean. They taped the show to air on Comcast Southeast. We were told they are putting our sets on a show called "Who's Laughing Now" and people can also watch our sets via Comcast's On Demand. In theory, we get paid for every time they demand us. Cool. Also, they told us we could get a copy of your sets. They did a 2-camera shoot for that, so that could turn into good promo- or, since there wasn't a crowd, it could turn into a bonus feature for my next DVD.

The taping followed Murphy's Law of comedy recording: whenever you plan to tape, 1 of 3 things happens:

There's no crowd- or the crowd sucks
You screw up your jokes
The recording equipment fails

In this case, we just didn't have a big crowd. They were fun, though. Honestly, I can't wait to see the set.

$25 GIFT CARD
One cool thing about doing the show at the Funny Farm is everybody got a $25 gift card which we could use for food, drink, or the rides at Andretti's. Cool. I was going to go-kart! The only thing is they gave us the card right before the show. There wasn't really time to use it. Erika Wasser really wanted to go-kart but she was emceeing. She couldn't exactly race in between sets. After the show, we had to get on the shuttle back to Atlanta so we could go to the after party. It's kind of funny, though. The gift card was kind of a tease. "You can use this gift card to go-kart. Actually, there really isn't time. Enjoy the thought, though!" Oh well. We didn't get into comedy to go-kart. We got into comedy to work strip malls.

After my set, I used my gift card to order a salad. I was still itis-ing from all the Flying Biscuits I crammed the day before. I needed something leafy. I got a chicken mandarin salad and a slice of key-lime pie.

PROPS
I want to give a quick shout out to some of the folks who shined on that show:

Erika Wasser emceed the show. The crowd was a bit tight at first and she got them into it. Going from 0-60 is the hardest part of the show and she handled it like a champ.
Tom Simmons was hilarious. His political comedy was super-smart. It was sharp and cutting. Very funny guy. Before the show, Erika told me I might be going 3rd, not 5th because some of the folks who were supposed to be on the show hadn't shown up. Tom was one of those guys who wasn't there- that's cause he was kicking but in his 8:00 quarterfinal round! He ended up making it all the way to the finals and placing very high! Congrats, Tom! Note: I have no idea how he ranked. Who am I supposed to be, Buddha? Buddha remembers everything, not me.
I met Sarah Blodgett (and her dad). She is so sweet, a good hugger. She also had some really funny political comedy. Picture Marilyn Monroe doing political commentary. It was charming. Side note: I met her dad too. He sat up front. He was a really nice guy. He actually traveled with her from Boston to see the show. Wow. That's one supportive dad!
Tim Harmston from the Twin Cities was there. If you read my blog, you know I have a special affinity for my Twin Cities people. I love that scene. All those guys are so cool. I had just met Tim on this trip. Let me tell you man, he is super-funny. I know he made it to the semi-finals of the contest. I am not totally sure where he went from there. No mater, though. His political set rocked.
Mike Shiner cracked the 1st abortion joke of the night. In fact, he did it right off the bat. Kudos to him for making bold choices! I was in the back dying! Got to hang out with him later. Cool guy.
The Government Shutdown I wrote some last-minute, timely tags for my set because the government almost shut down that night. Thanks, crappy government! You helped comedy!

The only reason I am not giving props to Leo Flowers and Tim Miller is cause they are black. Kidding. I didn't get to see their sets. Tim went on while I was doing yoga before my set. After that 30-minute van ride from Atlanta, I really needed to stretch out. Leo was on when I was getting interviewed. I know I am missing a couple other comedians too. Like I said, I was out of the room being interviewed.

INTERVIEWED

Oh yeah, that was fun: we got interviewed. They were using the interviews for the Comcast deal, but they said they'd also give us copies for our promo/ DVD bonus features. That was an unexpected bonus. Cool!

It was my turn to interview- just as my salad and my pie turned up. I asked the bartender how longmy food would last before it was unsafe to eat. He said a few hours. Cool.

The guy who interviewed us was Justin Morgan, an Atlanta comedian. I actually had a really fun time during that interview. We riffed like crazy. He asked me how I got into stand-up. I told him about the time I 1st got onstage at Chaps, the Cherry Creek bar in Denver where the waitresses wore butt-less pants. I told him how I was 1st inspired to do stand-up when I was 15, at scout camp- and how I started doing it 10 years later. The light broke half-way through our interview so Justin and I went out of the room to play air hockey. I learned something about myself: I suck at air hockey. I think it's because of my crappy reflexes.

Because of the technical difficulties and my awesome interview, I missed the 2nd half of the political show- well, I wouldn't say I was missing it Bob.

AWKWARD DANCE TIME

We took the 30-minute ride back to Relapse Comedy Club in Atlanta. I had my salad and pie on my lap. Anybody want a box full of pie?

At Relapse, I met the owner, Bob Wood. Cool. The party had a dance floor. Cool. You take comedians, the most awkward people in society, and put them on a dance floor. That always works out well.

I saw a comedian/ part-club-owner from Indy who was plowed. His buddies had to haul him out of the room. I feel good when life turns industry back into humans.

Just as I was leaving Relapse, I noticed this dude with all these weird growths on his face. I squinted and tried to figure out what was going on there. I didn't want to catch whatever he had. Gross. I tried not to stare. Then, this chick jammed a whole bunch of cake into my face. Thanks, skank! Okay, gross-face guy was actually just cake-face guy. I instantly realized I might be gross-face guy now. So, I covered my face and ran to the bathroom to clean it off. I didn't want people analyzing my weird growths!

"Who's that gross guy?"

"Why, that's Jake Sharon. I don't remember him looking that gross. I guess he is having a flare up, though. Gross."

SALAD TIME!

I took the shuttle back to the hotel. Some of the guys were going to Waffle House. Not me. I said goodbye to Sarah and some other folks who were in the shuttle and went to my room. My plan was to eat my salad and my pie. I had food. Why would I buy more food? I'm on a budget, cracker!

I plowed through my food. Despite sitting around for 3 hours, it was ok.

THE COUCHSURFER GUY

Huh. I just realized after the Funny Farm set, I never said goodbye or hung out with the couchsurfer host guy. I made plans to stay with him, canceled, made more plans, then canceled again. Oops.

Shoot. You know, 2 days before I was supposed to stay with the couchsurfer guy, he sent me a massage via the website "BTW, you know I'm gay, right? Really really gay." Now, I don't care who does what to who- as long as everybody involved is cool with it. If I just met the guy and found out he was gay, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. I'm in showbiz. However, when someone puts up a red flag for it, I kind of see it as a red flag.

Then, I was supposed to hang out with him on Saturday, but I ended up having festival plans that day. Plus, he left me a message saying I could jump on the back of his motorcycle and go to the mountains or something. Huh. Though, I have always wanted to ride a motorcycle, I never pictured that that's what my 1st time would be like. then again, when I went skydiving, I was harnessed to another guy. Huh.

CRACKHEADS, DRUNKS, AND WAFFLES
After eating my fancy salad, Troy called me and asked if I wanted to go to Waffle House. Well, now that I had eaten my salad, I was game. As long as I ate the free food first, I could rationalize spending money on bonus food.

Note: It was 3:00 a.m. We were making an excursion at 3:00 a.m. Like 10 guys all got together and started walking the 10 blocks to Waffle House. We were all chipper. We had energy and intent. We were laughing. It was like a really cheery gang.

I was walking next to this dude Lee Paul, a New York comic who was cracking me up. We just kind of bonded. We passed this solo, non-comedian drunk. He said "I lost my friends. I don't know where they are. I am in town for business and I can't find my friends." I put quotes on that quote, but I don't actually remember what that guy said. I just remember "I can't find my friends." This guy was HAMMERED!

Lee and I invited him to join us. After a block, it became evident to Lee that the drunk was not the best conversationalist. So, he pawned him off on me. "Do you even know who this guy is (points to me) This is the creator of that viral video, 'How to Build a Hobo Trash Can Fire!'" The drunk seemed impressed- actually, it was more like he knew he should act impressed or else risk seeming ignorant about this amazing video he had never heard of.

Lee turbo-ed to the front of our group. I was stuck with the drunk. Then, a crackhead spotted us. He joined our group too. This was turning into a parade! There were like 12 of us including a drunk and a cracky just walking around downtown Atlanta at 3:00 a.m.

After a couple blocks, the crackhead realized we weren't giving him any money so he angrily gestured "Aw, f#ck all of you!"

THE MOST MAGNIFICENT WAFFLE HOUSE EVER
Most Waffle Houses have a sign missing a bunch of letters (e.g. "_af_le H_use"). This Waffle House just had a "WH"- on purpose! This place was so hip it acronymed itself! "If you're cool enough to know what the letters stand for, you can come in."

We got to the place and it was packed, full of bleary-eyed Georgia Tech drunks. The bars were closed. Waffle House was open.

Look, I could tell you how awesome it was to clean off our own tables with Windex. I could tell you how I ran into another drunk booker. I could tell you how I ran into Sarah and she was like "I thought you went to bed." I did, but then I finished my salad. I could tell you how great it was seeing a table full of Georgia Tech brats get kicked out because they were spitting water at each other. They got kicked out after they paid, but before their food showed up. Idiots!. I could tell you these things, but this entry is feeling long and all this waffle talk makes me want to go eat my breakfast. It's already noon in Denver, right now. I started this entry last night and now I am finishing it up- before breakfast. I am starving.

Anyway, I could tell you a lot of details about this Waffle House. Let me just say that our server who goes by the stage name "Magnificent" was truly Magnificent. All the servers there were eloquent, friendly, pretty, and they even had all their teeth-nice teeth. I'd never been to a Waffle House that looked this nice or had such nice servers. A comedian is high-maintenance. When you have 12 of them, forget it!

Magnificent even took pictures with us. She took pictures of us and then we took pictures with her. It was great- magnificent really.

HIGH JUMP
Just real quick, I have to tell you the highlight of the night. When Magnificent brought out our food, she handed some of it to Danny Swiftt. Danny is super tall. He had Lee Paul's food. Lee is super short. Danny held Lee's food high above him and made him jump for it. Man, I wish I had a picture of that. After all these years, keep-away is still funny to me.

6AM- 7:30 AM
We left Waffle House at 6:00 a.m. I had a blast hanging out with all those guys, Troy Walker, Tim Miller, Danny Swiftt, Eric Yoder, Lee Paul, and a bunch of other guys. Sorry I don't remember who all was there. I am hungry now. Leave me alone.

We left Waffle House at 6:00 a.m. I didn't fall asleep till 7:30 a.m. I knew the next day was going to be rough.

PARTS 1 AND 3

Well, this is basically all I can really cram into a single blog entry. I have broken this adventure into 3 parts. I'll publish part 3 later today. I'd do it right now, but I am hungry.

Here's a link to part 1:

http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-festival-recap-1of.html

Anyway, the best parts are yet to come. The real meat comes in the next entry as I talk about the Bulldog, injuries, despair, and stuff.

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. If you read the part in my last entry about my broken toilet, I should tell you that my toilet was not actually broken. Sometimes my roommate comes to me with non-existent problems. I tried the toilet and it worked fine. She did that 1 time with the shower too. In the 1st week of living here, she told me she was going to move back out because the cold water didn't work on the shower. I took her over to it and turned the knob. "You mean this cold water?" Not sure what's going on with her. Maybe she is just scared of plumbing. Cool person, though. I shouldn't complain too much cause she just gave me some yogurt-covered-pretzels and you know how hungry I am!

Laughing Skull Festival RECAP 1(of 3):Preparation, Expense, Strippers

2011-04-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Right now, I have corn in my teeth. I just got back from a barbecue. I just hung out with friends from the Denver Comedy Works staff plus a few of their friends. I caught up this improvisor girl I know. She shaved her head a few months ago. That's customary when you cross the equator for the 1st time. She just did a 6-month educational cruise. Cool.

My friends and I hung out at this gazebo at Cheesman Park, a notoriously gay Denver Park- also, a conveniently/ centrally located Denver park. We went there because it was convenient, not because it was gay. We did eat a ton of hot dogs, though.

While we were chilling, this guy showed up and took his shirt off. He did push-ups in our periphery. Then he rotated around the gazebo/ us and did another work out. He kept looking at us. He rotated again and did a different exercise. This time he grunted. My friends and I eventually noticed that he kept rotating around our group. He circled us 4-5 times. It started getting weird. He kept looking to see if we were watching him. How could we not? He was creepy!

Anyway, I did not go to my Bender's open mic tonight. My roommate's band, The Murder of Crows is playing. However, I am super-tired. Yesterday, I flew back from Atlanta. I was in the 2nd Annual Laughing Skull Comedy Festival. It was a blast, but I am wiped the hell out.

Great. My roommate just told me the toilet is broken. Which should I procrastinate first? The toilet or this blog? Both are swimming with turd content.

Anyway, this is part 1 of a 3-part series of blog entries about the Laughing Skull Comedy Festival which I just attended. Here's a link to part 2:

http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-recap-2.html

Here's a link to part 3:

http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-recap-3.html

HOW I BECAME A POLITICAL COMIC
Submissions for the 2011 Laughing Skull Comedy Festival took place in fall 2010. In October, 2010, I found out they selected me for the competition. In November, 2010, I competed in a preliminary, satellite round which took place in Seattle, Washington. If you read my blog, then you know I was already up there doing the Seattle Competition and about 7 weeks' worth of work. The festival had satellite competition rounds all over the country. If you took 1st or 2nd at those rounds, you made the quarterfinal round, hosted by the Laughing Skull Comedy Club in Atlanta, Georgia. I did not make the quarterfinals.

On March 10, 2011 Laughing Skull Festival coordinator, Steve Hofstetter sent out a mass e-mail to everybody who was selected for the festival- even those who didn't make the quarter finals. Hofstetter said there were still spots on some of the satellite shows and if we wanted them, we could hit him up. He offered sets for the political show, the jew show, the storytelling show, the family show, the gay show, the chick show, and the racial show. To get on one of those shows, you had to fit the category and sign up on a first-come, first-served basis.

I had never written a political set before, but I told him I was super-political anyway. I also told him I was Jewish and racial. I wasn't qualified for any of these things, but sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it. Besides, if you go back far enough, aren't we all Jewish? Steve gave me a set on the political show. Cool. I love a good challenge! Moreover, I love writing for a specific topic.

When Chuck Roy used to run the Stand-up Comedy Battles here in Denver, he used to give each competitor several topics. We'd get 1 week to write jokes for each of them. Then, we'd go up against a competitor in our division (lightweight, middleweight, heavyweight) and then we'd face off against an opponent. after each topic, the audience would applaud their decision. We fought for the best out of 5 rounds. Some of the jokes I wrote for those battles ended up in my act for a long time.

Most importantly, I told Steve I could do the political show because I have had a passion for my political beliefs for a long time now. I just knew a month was enough time to get 6-10 solid minutes of new material. I wrote jokes for that set everyday. I ran that material at any and every open mic, showcase, and gig I could get on. If something wasn't working quite right, I fixed it or ditched it. I probably ran that set 40 times. The local open-mic-ers probably got super-bored of that set! Tough.

The Denver clubs were super-supportive. After I had narrowed down about 10 minutes of material, I asked Wende Curtis, the owner of Denver's Comedy Works for some showcase sets. I got 3 of them opening for Jim Jefferies. Thanks, Wende! Then, I asked Westminster's club, Wits End Comedy Club for a set. No problem. I did their 10:30 show Saturday, a week ago. Thanks, John and all the Wits End crew!

The festival started Wednesday, April 6. However, I decided to fly out on April 7. My political set was April 8. On April 6, I ran the set 1 last time at Comedy Works. It felt good. I came up with 1 more tag that night, too. Sweet.

TRUSTING IN MYSELF TO TELL A GOOD STORY
I didn't do as much preparation for this set. I only found out I was doing this show a couple weeks ago. However, when the opportunity presented itself, of course I signed up! I wasn't going to go all the way down to Atlanta and just do 1 set. Screw that!

Moreover, I like telling a good story. I am an avid listener of the Moth Storytelling Podcast. I was an English major, so I write a lot. My dad always tells great stories. It's just in my genes. Lastly, I am an improv actor. If worst came to worst, I knew I could cover myself. So, I signed up.

I took 2 hours and wrote out the story of the time I got cuffed at work. Then, 2 weeks ago, I ran the story, notes in hand, at "Too Much Fun," a comedy variety show run by a group of comedians known as "The Fine Gentleman's Club."

The show was just okay. It was the 1st time I ever told story to an audience. Plus, regardless of my performance, half the crowd was in the back of the room talking through everybody's set. I found some of the things I had written were too long and unnecessary to tell the story. I also found I riffed a lot of the funniest parts of the story.

So, I cut the story way down. Then, I asked Andrew Orvedahl if I could do "The Narrators" show on April 6th. "The Narrators" is a storytelling show modeled after The Moth Podcast. Comedians and performers of all types get 10 minutes to showcase a story that fits the theme of the night. The stories could be serious, funny, or whatever. This time I ran the story without notes, without a script. I forced myself to just tell the story with the knowledge and trust that I'd take care of myself. The audience was much more engaged this time. I found new laughs. I improvised jokes and call-backs. I recorded my story-until the battery on my crappy voice recorder died.

The next day, I flew out to Atlanta.

COUCHSURFING
Travel is expensive. Even in crappy, podunk towns, hotels cost $100+ per night. In places like Atlanta, forget about it. Fortunately, the fetival worked out a deal with the Hotel Midtown so participants could pays a discounted rate of $75 per night. After tax, that ends up being about $90 per night.

I made a reservation, but I also made a 2nd plan: I hit up some folks on couchsurfing.org. Couchsurfing.org is a great resource for travelers. Those of you who read my blog know that I have stayed on couchsurfer cloors and couches across the country. That's what I did for the Boston Festival and that's what I keep doing in Dallas and other places. It's free, but you're not a free-loader. You go there and hang out with your host. The point of the site is for you and your host to have a cultural exchange.

So, I lined up a couch. I was excited to meet my host. However, those plans fell apart. The day before going to Atlanta, I realized I had forgotten to give 24-hours cancellation notice for my hotel. Crap. Fortunately, I called the hotel and they let me cancel anyway.

NO COUCHSURFING
However, my host told me he would be home that night at 7:30. I was getting in at 4:00. I didn't want to roam around with all my luggage for 3.5 hours. Plus, travel days wear you out. I knew I'd need a nap. I knew that I wanted to rock my political set the next day so I had to make sure I had all the alone time I needed to rest, do yoga, and get zen before my performance. I am not super-funny or chatty before certain sets. Sometimes, I just like to be. So, lastly, I didn't think I'd be the best guest. I needed me time. You can't hang with people who want to be alone. Plus, the festival had 4 parties. I'd be staying out late, getting up late, and going to do my thing. There would be no time to chill with my host.

So, I called the hotel again. they let me un-cancel. Sweet.

TIME TO GO! I AM A BAD FRIEND
I was on a budget, so I didn't want to leave my car at Denver International Airport's long term parking. I couldn't afford a cab. I really didn't want to lug my luggage all over downtown at 6 am to catch the RTD Skyride, the bus that goes to the airport. The RTD Skyride's closest stop to me was at the Greyhound station, a perfect place for homeless transients to heist my laptop, luggage, travel cash, or even just my lotion. That sounded crappy.

Fortunately, my buddy, D is a special ed teacher and his school is out by the airport. He said he'd give me a ride. Cool. Unfortunately, he has 2 phones and he answers 1 of them all the time and the other 1 sometimes. I used to have his good number but when he got his new phone, that became his bad number. When he texted my his new number, he didn't identify himself. He just sent me some dirty texts. Gross. Who is this? So, I didn't have a good way of contacting him. Also, I stayed up alte the night before my trip because I had to pack. Also, I had been staying out late a lot lately.

So, the day I was supposed to leave for Atlanta, I slept in. I forgot my alarm. At 6:10, he calls me to say he'd be there in 5. Crap! Fortunately, I packed and showered the night before. I just had to get dressed, brush my teeth, and gather all my stuff. I hurried, but it takes me awhile to get ready when I've just woken up. He was getting antsy. He kept sending me "Hurry-up" text messages. Fortunately, my phone was in my pocket so I did not get them. I was already rushing. Acting like a chick wasn't helping me rush, D. It's not like I was just sitting there watching a movie- though I have been late because of that before. This time, though, I was rushing. I am a major believer in breakfast, but I skipped breakfast that day. I didn't even make tea. I just rushed out the door.

At least he didn't leave me. He drove me to the airport. Then he stopped before he got to my airline. "Get out." I was like "It takes the exact same amount of time to just take me to my airline." "Get out." Okay, then.

I texted him later.
Me: "Did you make your student-teacher meeting okay?"
D: "I was on time, but the student was re-tardy."
Great. Very funny.

I got a crappy bagel at the airport. I asked for hot water. They gave me some- for free. I brought my own tea bag. I saved $2.

MONEY PROBLEMS

Unfortunately, staying at the hotel drastically affected my budget for the week. I went from paying $280 for my flight and about $100 for food and entertainment to about $250. Dang. Moreover, the hotel charged me a $150 deposit (which they never previously warned about). My card maxed out. Crap! My week ended up costing me about $700- and I wasn't working.

THE HOTEL

The lady at the hotel was super-nice. In fact, she was the nicest 1 there. I wish I knew her name. It had too many letters for me to remember. She was black, pretty, helpful, and mouthy. She was cool.

I have 1 quick complaint about the hotel. . Now, I don't wish to mention the name of the Midtown Hotel because I don't know what kind of business arrangement the Laughing Skull Comedy Club has with them. So, let's just say I stayed at an anonymous hotel.

At1st glance, the anonymous hotel looked great. However, my equally anonymous buddy- who asked me not to tell people he complained about this - cause he knows I lack discretion- he said he thought the hotel was crap. He complained about how all the fixtures haven't been updated and that was a clear sign the hotel itself wasn't updated. I had no idea what he was talking about. What the hell does a fixture have to do with anything? I am not even sure I know what a fixture is! I looked around and it looked nice. Whatever.

I did notice that they didn't have wi-fi. every piece of crap motel I ever stay in has free wi-fi. Some might not have free breakfast, but most hotels pay the internet bill and have the income to buy a few wireless routers. Come on! This was a business-class hotel! How can you not have internet? They did have ethernet internet- so I could finally use that lonely slot on the side of my computer again- but that internet cost $10 per day and was as slow as the unprotected wi-fi I was heisting from the building next door. Lame.

HUNGRY
I didn't eat on the plane. I didn't eat at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport during my brief layover. There just wasn't time. All I had eaten all day was a crappy, un-toasted bagel. So, when I landed in Atlanta, I was starving. The train from the airport to the hotel took a 20-minute break before we even left. Then it left. Then it took 30 minutes to get to the hotel. By the time I got in, I was starving.

I called my friend Troy, a Denver comedian who was also at the festival, and asked if he was hungry. After I got settled in there, we went to the Flying Biscuit, just down the street from the hotel.

Deacon Gray, Denver comic had recommended the place. It was awesome. I ate 3 slices of bacon, a side salad, a biscuit with apple butter, and the main course was biscuit pot pie- which was basically 4 biscuits surrounded by a sea of "Creamed chicken, carrots, celery, onions, potatoes, and peas. A modern twist on an old Southern classic."- http://www.flyingbiscuit.com/Menus.aspx After eating 5 biscuits, all those ingredients, and a salad, I was stuffed! I had what black people call "The itis." I needed a nap I was not going to get. that food was delicious, but I was dozy and my stomach felt like it was churning concrete.

After tip and tax, I spent about $17. After my breakfast, flight, and my hotel room, so far I had spent about $700 on this trip so far- and I had just gotten to town!

Troy spent $15 or so there. He had ordered the pancakes. He wanted buttermilk pancakes, but they only had oatmeal pancakes. He ate half of them and said he didn't like them. I think I would have liked them, but we all have our own tastes.

QUARTERFINALS
Despite my itis, Troy and I went to Laughing Skull Lounge to see the Thursday 8:00 competition round of the contest. The room held maybe 120 people- maybe less. The round was stacked. Everybody was super-funny. Ari-Shaffir went a over his time- in theory, they penalized him for that- but it didn't matter because he had the set of the night. Ari was very funny! I am really glad I got to see his set. He took 1st place in that round so he moved on to the semi-finals. Congrats, Ari! Margaret Cho closed the show. She was a surprise guest. I was wondering how they got her to perform in such a small room. Turns out she lives there now. Cool.

Because I had already spent so much that day, I only had $2 on me. When the waitress came by, I asked for a water. I was planning on tipping her both dollars. The rule is, it's always $1 per drink or at least 20%, whichever is higher. However, she showed up with a 5-ounce bottle of water and asked for $3. I tried to give her my credit card. They only took cash there. No problem. I told her meant I wanted a glass of water. She told me there was a 2-item minimum. Typically, patrons must obey that rule. Just like movie theaters, clubs rarely make their money off the show. Clubs usually make their money off drinks and food. So, I understood where she was coming from. I was in her section not paying for stuff. However, I am a broke comic. We never do the 2-item minimum. Also, I just spent $700 to work for free. Anyway, no biggie.

PROPS
I was still full after the 8:00 show, so I did not go to the 10:30 show. I wish I had. I heard my Twin Cities pal, Andy Erickson crushed it. I heard she just murdered! She took the round and went to the semis. Congrats, Andy!

Like a lot of other comics, I mingled at the bar.

GROSS STRIPPERS
They had a party that night at the Claremont Lounge, a gross stripper club known for its gross, sextagenarian strippers. Apparently it is an Atlanta landmark. I did not go. I hate smoke. I don't like strippers. I definitely didn't want to see their 65-year-old strippers. Plus, I was tired. So, I went to bed.

The next day I heard about a gross stripper named peaches who showed her peaches and her peach cobbler. Yucky. Glad I missed that.

PARTS 2 AND 3
Well, this is basically all I can really cram into a single blog entry. I have broken this adventure into 3 parts. I'll publish parts 2 and 3 tomorrow, 4/12/11. I'd do it right now, but I am super-tired.

Here's a link to part 2:
http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-recap-2.html

Here's a link to part 3:

http://jakeisfantastic.blogspot.com/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-recap-3.html

Anyway, the best parts are yet to come. Everything I have mentioned so far is about travel, lodging and other people. The real meat comes in the next 2 entries as I talk about the people I met, crackheads, the Bulldog, hostile environments, injuries, despair, and stuff.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Revolver Blows My Mind- Out The Back Of My Angry Head!

2011-03-09T22:41:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I just watched the movie Revolver, starring Jason Statham- and it made me want to take a revolver to the face!

I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for this movie to get good and it never did.

Basically, a guy gets out of prison. Then he makes a lot of money. Then he finds out he's got s terminal illness and a couple days to live. So, these 2 random guys who keep giving him weird notes say they can help him. They don't say how. They just say he has to do whatever they say- including giving all the money he earned ober the past 2 years. So he does. Then he is mad at them. More stuff happens and I get super bored.

Oh yeah: some of the subtitles float around on the screen- as if Tony Scott directed it or something (see Man on Fire, Domino). Over-editing your movie does not fill plot holes, Guy Ritchie!

Anyway, this movie is listed in Netflix as a thriller. Supposedly it is a psychological exploration about how we deal with our egos. However, the only thing I kept exploring is how bad Jason Staham's wig looked. That's right: he has a wig or a toupee or something. You're bald! We all know it, Jason! Every movie you have ever done shows you bald! What? That suddenly just changed now? No. You're bald.

Check it out if you like pretentious movies. I am psychologically unthrilled.

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. The movie poster says "Your mind wil not accept a game this big." No it will not. No it will not.

Before you book the gig/ How to not screw yourself in the bung!

2011-03-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

My mistakes, compounded with the mistakes of others cost me a lot of time, money, and work this past week. Highlights:

I drove more than 1350 miles and spent over 20 hours in the car.
I spent over 50% of my earnings this weekend on gas and food. My 4-day profits after 6 shows ended up being less than $100.
I lost a gig headlining a theater because of some sloppy work by a different booker*.
I had to reschedule yet another show because I mistakenly didn't realize that the out of state booking I had went through Sunday.
Because the better paying theater gig I was supposed to work at accidentally paid me 5 months in advance, (and because I didn't get to do the gig) I now have to send them their money back. So, not only did I not make any money, I drove hundreds of miles, did 6 shows - and I'm still in the red for the week!

In short, though I had some good shows, my business suffered and I did a lot lot of work for nothing. Here are a few tips to help you avoid my fate:

BEFORE TAKING ANY GIGS, ASK QUESTIONS

If you have any issue with the fairness of the deal you're about to make, you need to address it before you commit to it. Here are some basic questions that will help you find out if you should even do the gig.

How much money am I making?

This may seem like an obvious question, but quite often, comedians fail to ask it. They want the gig so bad they just say "Yep I'm available. Book it!" Then, later on, they find out they are making dogpoo money and they complain about it. Tough turds! You took the gig, fool! Note: I have been that fool more than once.

When and how are you paying me?

Again, this should be the 1st or 2nd thing on your mind. Most gigs give you a tax form and a check. Then, depending on the amount, you can usually cash the check there. However, I have been surprised a couple times because I found out later the booker was mailing me a check- and that that check wouldn't get there for a month. Or worse yet, that check wouldn't clear.

Where is the gig?

This is usually one of the 1st things a booker will tell you, but if they don't, make sure you find out- right way.

Where am I staying?

You really need to know this answer. Occasionally bookers reserve only hotel 1 room for both comedians. Awkward. "Hi stranger. Please don't steal my stuff. What's that? you're bringing home some loud, nasty chick from the gig? Great. That will help me sleep. All right."

Most clubs and bar gigs have a condo or a hotel or something. However... in super-rare, super-cheap situations, sometimes you have to stay at somebody's house. This is super weird. Comedians need time to chill before a show. The last thing I want to do is get all gabby with the bar owner before I do my work for them. I spend time before a show coming down from the drive. Sometimes after a long drive, my hands are still shaking. Before a show, I'm relaxing, building up my mental walls, going over any new material, taking a shower. I don't want to share any of that with the Bernie I'm supposed to clown for later that night. I don't want to talk to them. This business is about perception. I don't want them to see the tea-stained, potato chip- crumbled, car-sweat-stanky Jake. Except for any brief exchange of condo keys, I don't want to see them at all- until I absolutely have to!

My hotel or condo or whatever is my lair, my escape, my fortress of solitude. When my lair ends up being at Bernie Bartender's house and I have to answer questions like "So how long have you been doing this and what are your influences" I don't get the peace I need.

So, I want to know where I am staying ahead of time- so I have the options of negotiating reasonable lodging- or turning the gig down.

FYI: Some gigs don't even offer lodging. Ever slept in the car? I have. I don't plan on doing that again.

Who am I working with?

This is not as obvious of a question to ask, but you should ask it anyway. Maybe you are working with Jokethief McGee that weekend. Should have found that out. Now Jokethief has 15 new minutes- from your act.

Or, maybe you are working with an act that is really similar to yours. That's going to be awkward. Chicks get bent when they show up to a party with the same dress as another chick. Imagine showing up with the same act. Not cool.

Or, maybe it's the same party guy who brings all the chicks over and ruins your sleep.

Or, maybe it's a slob. I worked with 1 guy who left trash and food-gooped dirty dishes all over the place. Guess who had to clean it up? Me. I was the last guy in the condo. If I din't clean the mess, the club would have blamed me. That's an easy way not to get booked again.

These issues are typically not a problem. Most working comedians are actually super cool. It's just good to know who you are working with. Maybe it's actually a really positive thing, some guy you have always wanted to work with. Maybe it's a buddy and you just found out you can carpool. Maybe the booker hasn't picked another comedian and you can help a friend get a gig.

SOME RESEARCH YOU CAN DO ON YOUR OWN

If a booker calls you with a gig, ask them the questions I outlined above, and then BEFORE COMMITTING TO THE GIG, ask if you can call them back in 15 minutes. Typically, this will give you time to assess the situation. Here are some things that will help you figure out whether this is a smart booking.

Look at a map.

What a concept. Find out where the gig is. I have screwed this up too many times to count. It is a rookie mistake. A booker offers a gig. Before looking at a map, I take the gig- then find out later it is too far away to be profitable. This is stupid. When I took this South Dakota gig, I assumed it was 6 hours away. This was stupid. It was almost 11 hours away. That's a big difference- different to the point of stupidity. Did I say this was stupid? Because I meant to say it was stupid.

Stupid Jake: "I've been to South Dakota before and it was only 6 hours away. Aren't all places within that state the same distance from my house?"

Smart Jake: "No, Jake. No they are not all the same distance away from your. Look at the damn map."

If your friends have worked this gig, ask them about it. See what their experience was like.

Most of the time, if you are getting a call from a comedy booker, you already have a business relationship with them so you know how much you can trust them. Random bookers don't typically just call you out of the blue.

However, the gig itself might be crap. Or it might be awesome. A friend can tell you if they had a bounced check or a scary hotel, or the gig is in a casino and you're right next to the slot machines. You might find out the audience's median age is typically 65. Not fun. Maybe you find out that the last show got cancelled for whatever reason. Or, you might even learn simple things like whether the booker said you had to be clean and the venue just doesn't care. You might find out the opposite. You might find out your friend just got her purse stolen from that bar. That happened to a friend of mine.

These little details can make a big difference in everybody's experience. One time, I did a gig in Idaho that turned out to be Idaho's only super-gay bar. The show went great. However, a little notice would have been cool. Ask a friend.

You can always turn down a gig.

Sometimes, the deal just isn't worth it- financially or otherwise. Ever had a chick turn you down? You want them more, right? Sometimes it works that way in comedy. Of course, sometimes it doesn't.

IF YOU HAVE TO CANCEL...
So, at this point, most likely you have researched the gig and it sounds like a good idea. Whatever you do, don't cancel it- especially not for some stupid reason. If you take a gig, and realize it isn't worth it, you still have to do it. Otherwise, the booker* sees you as flaky or high maintenance. They did the initial work of booking you, now they are taking a phone call where you are un-booking yourself, and then they need to make a 3rd call to book somebody else. That's a major pain!

There is a right way and a wrong way to give bad news. Here are some tips to make canceling your gig easier:

Hold on. Evaluate the situation and make sure you ABSOLUTELY have to cancel.

Back when I was in my 20s, a producer for the Tyra Banks Show called me up and asked if I could make an appearance. I said yes. I was super excited. Then I called back and canceled via a voicemail message. "I forgot I have to pick my brother up from the airport." That was sooooo stupid. My brother said "I could have gotten a cab." Oh yeah. Duh. All I had to do was think it over.

Tell the booker ASAP!

Give the booker as much time as possible to fill the slot. One of my comedy buddies (who will also remain nameless) called an out of state comedy club HOURS BEFORE HIS FIRST SHOW and said he wasn't coming. He said he couldn't afford the bus ticket. Come on. That's something you should know way in advance. Regardless, he should have given at least 2 weeks' notice. You give a job 2 weeks' notice, right? This is your job. Give notice. The same comedian did the same thing to another club a month later. He canceled the day of the show. Not cool.

Here's an quote from a booker from 1 time when I had to cancel: "BTW this is the 4th cancellation I have had in the last week. And you guys wonder why bookers are cranky a lot of the time." Fortunately, I canceled that gig a couple months in advance so the booker was able to easily find a replacement. In fact, it turns out it was 1 of my comedy friends. Glad she got the gig! Also, that booker ended up re-booking me on the gig several months later, so it ended up okay. I gave over a month's notice. She filled the gig. I still work for her.

Make sure you get a hold of the booker/ make sure the booker knows you are canceling.

If you call them, don't just leave a message and hope all is well. If you e-mail them, don't assume they read your e-mail. Bookers ignore a vast amount of the communications sent their way. They are inundated so, most of the time, they do not want to hear from you (unless they want something from you).

Anyhow, make sure that if you don't hear back from them in a timely fashion, you try again until you do. I'm not saying send them 50 e-mails or 50 stressed out voicemails. I'm just saying be more persistent than when you contacted them to get the booking. Finding out that they don't have a comedian is more important to them than making sure you have work.

Indicate a sense of urgency.

Bookers are often impossible to get a hold of so you have to let them know this is urgent. If you e-mail them, the subject should include a word like URGENT or EMERGENCY or CANCELLATION or all of the above URGENT EMERGENCY CANCELLATION! Bookers get hundreds or thousands of e-mails per day so they often delete comedian e-mails en masse. You have to get their attention. If you are calling them- especially if you are leaving them a voicemail message or a message with their secretary, start off with "Hi. This is so and so- and I have some bad news."

Don't waste the conversation making excuses.

This is show business, a sleazy business. They have heard every BS line before. Excuses make you look flaky and dishonest. They don't want to hear your pitch. Don't waste their time with excuses.

Keep the conversation short.

In fact, don't say anything that isn't absolutely necessary. This is a 911 call. Just tell them the facts. "This is so and so. I have bad news. I can't do the gig (on whatever date and at whatever location). Here's why. I'm sorry for the inconvenience."

Maybe they are frustrated because you are reneging on a verbal contract- and now you're wasting their time too! Two strikes!

Or, if you say too much, you look like you are lying. Ever tell a lie and put too many details in there? Lies and excuses go hand in hand. Don't be a liar and don't get mistaken for a liar. Sure, bookers lie all the time. But as far as they are concerned, you need them more than they need you.

Have the gig's details on hand- just in case.

Make sure you communicate the date and location of the gig you are canceling. Don't assume they remember every little detail. They don't. They are in a position of power, not knowledge. They might not even remember who you are.

Briefly apologize for any inconvenience.

You're going to have to eat a little crow. Don't make it a production, though. Be sincere and direct.

The best case scenario? Provide a solution.

If you really have to cancel, tell the booker you will help them find an acceptable substitute. Or better yet, find a potential substitute before you call them or e-mail them. And don't just give them some crappy comedian- or someone who just worked the room last month. Give them someone as good as or better than you. Better yet, give them someone who's already on their roster. Check with that comedian to make sure it has been awhile since they last did the gig.

However, despite your best efforts, some bookers are extremely unreasonable.

One of comedian friends (who will remain anonymous so I don't get him into any extra trouble) got really bad pneumonia. He had it for a couple months. His doctor told him not to travel for awhile. So, he ended up having to cancel a gig. The booker told him off and never booked him again. Come on! Everybody gets sick days- even strippers and janitors! Apparently comedians do not.

FINAL THOUGHTS: BOOKERS MAKE MISTAKES TOO/ WHY RESCHEDULING SUCKS
The reason why I bring all this up is as I mentioned at the beginning of this entry, I rescheduled a gig. Basically, I got an offer to work a club I had never worked before for a booker who books a ton of other, better paying clubs. I wanted to work for him. However, I was already committed to another gig. I was already booked to headline a theater- in Colorado.

But, before telling the club booker no, I called the guy who booked me for the theater. I had to at least examine my options. He had rescheduled me once before- to suit his needs, not mine. So, I felt I could ask him to reschedule me again- this time for my needs. He said yes. We share a Google calendar that we both have the admin rights to change. He changed my calendar. I assumed all was well. This was several months before I was supposed to work the theater, so head plenty of time to make a couple phone calls of his own.

Then, last week, I was talking a buddy of mine who had just worked the theater. He said he saw I was working there Friday. I told him "no, I rescheduled that months ago. The booker took care of it." We talked about how the theater also has another booker. That booker booked my friend. The lady who runs the theater is happy with that booker. However, apparently, she is not so happy the the booker who booked me. Uh oh!

I checked out the theater's online calendar. I was still on there! They still thought I was coming! Crap. I realized all this TWO DAYS before the gig. Crap. I called up the contact at the theater. Voicemail. Crap! Phone tag ensued. I had to be persistent, though. This needed to be handled immediately and correctly.

ONE DAY before the gig, as I was driving to my South Dakota gig, I got the theater lady on the phone. She had not heard the voicemails yet, so I broke the news. Did I mention I was in South Dakota? My cell service kept crapping out. I had to pull over so I could handle this. She was super frustrated- for good reason! She told me she had been having some bad luck with this booker and that she was done with him. the dropped cell phone calls weren't helping.

Fortunately, she didn't blame me. More importantly, though, she was left without a show- at the last minute. Not cool. She was screwed. People had bought tickets. They had to give refunds. What a hassle!

Also, not to be self-centered, but I was screwed! Like I mentioned earlier, the theater had accidentally paid me in advance. Now, I had to send the money back. Dang it! Plus, she is already booked for the year! She said she'd look at getting me back in the theater this year- or maybe next. But things change. Who knows what the future holds? Who knows if I'll be able to reschedule? I went from headlining a theater in my home state to featuring 650 miles away- for less money! With gas prices skyrocketing again, this is a bad time to be drive 2 states further to make less money. Hell. Anytime is a bad time for stupid economics like that.

I did the shows in South Dakota. I made the best of it. The staff and owner were really cool. I worked on some new material which I'll be doing at the Laughing Skull Festival next month. I met a very funny comedian, Mike Malone. Unfortunately, we both sold very few t-shirts. So, all the gas money came out of the gig money. Considering all the hours at the club, in the car, on the phone, I made less than $1 per hour. Essentially, I turned myself into a comedy slave.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY:
Booking gigs is already hard enough without cancellations. Rescheduling requires more work than getting the gig to begin with. It's like traveling backwards in time. Change 1 thing and you can ruin everything.

Bye! I'm Jake!

---------------

*A comedy booker is someone who makes a couple phone calls and lines up a gig. Honest bookers realize that 10%- 20% is an honest agent's commission. However, a lot of bookers are not honest. Dishonest bookers typically take any from 50% - 90% of the comedy budget. Despite the fact that the comedians wrote all the comedy, drove to BFE, and then performed their crafted act on stage, comedians often do not make the majority of the money. After the booker makes his, the comedians get the scraps. Why does this keep happening? Because there are a million comedians out there who have not unionized. Also, as any booker will tell you, there is always some other comedian who will do the gig for less money.

Heavy Weekend (with some stuff added a day after it was published).

2011-02-28T15:53:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

First of all, I realize I haven't written in awhile. I have been a bad blogger. Lately, I have just been so unfocused. I got so used to traveling and I just didn't know what to do when I stopped. Also, I literally have 54 things on my to do list. So, instead of accomplishing any of them, I watched 2 seasons of Dead Like Me, 2 seasons of the Sarah Silverman Program, and a bunch of violent movies. Check out "Mesrine: Part 1: Killer Instinct." It's about a French gangster. Rough movie.

Comedy has been going well, though. I am working a lot of clubs this year. Check out my schedule at http://jakeisfantastic.com/schedule.html I am adding a lot of dates right now. It is going great. I am also, currently pursuing a college agent- in my car. They are driving so fast! Sign me up for NACA and I'll drive home!

I'M GETTING HEAVY
Lately, I have also been trying to get back in shape. I have a small gut right now. It all started because I got sick.

Sick
I recently had the shingles. That really sucked! Anybody who has ever had chicken pox is a candidate. For some people (me), shingles is stress activated. Basically, the pox hangs out in your nervous system and then one day, when you are stressed, its like "I'll show you stress, sucka! Enjoy these blisters and randomly shooting pain spikes!" Fortunately, I got down to the clinic right away. Unfortunately, because I can't afford health care, the doctor visit (to confirm what I already knew) was $120. Also, my prescription was $180. That's $300- that I didn't have! So much for stress.... Thanks, shingles!

Cholesterol Shopping Spree
Fortunately, I got my prescription at Sam's Club. They said if I paid $65 to turn my membership into a plus membership, my prescription would only cost $100. $100 + $65 = $165. I saved $15! They told me I'd get some extra savings on my future groceries, though. After a couple visits, they said I start noticing discounts on the things I bought regularly. That turned out to be false. I never got any discounts. The customer service people told me that's because I was an add-on to the original Sam's Club account. The Plus membership did not apply to me. They gave me a $65 gift card to cool me down. Sweet! I bought sour cream, wings, corned beef, brie, and basically every fat and unhealthy thing I could think of. Some call it comfort food. Some call it a cholesterol spike.

Have you ever had a gut that extended over your pants?

Exercise Is The Answer.
So, anyway, I am starting to excercise again. I did yoga regularly for awhile. Then, sometime last year, I stopped going to my yoga class. Basically, I started a traveling a ton again and lost my routine. I still do yoga at home, but it isn't the same. I think my form is suffering (both my yoga form and my body form). Also, the weather has made it difficult to keep up with my cycling. Later this year, I am biking across Iowa (see RAGBRAI). When I did the MS-150 in 2009, I did a 175-mile, mountainous ride. I barely do 20 miles at a time right now. The weather isn't helping.

So, weather, plus shingles, plus a gift card equals a Jakegut.

HEAVY COMEDIANS
Enough about fitness. The other reason I call this episode Heavy Weekend is I got to hang out with some of comedy's heavies last week. Specifically, I opened for David Alan Grier. He crushed. Also, he was a super nice guy. Also, I got to see my buddy Billy Wayne Davis open for Ralphie May. Billy Wayne took 2nd in the Seattle Competition last year. Cool guy.

David Alan Grier
Last Thursday, February 24th, David Alan Grier crushed. He had high energy- and a lot of things to say about his ex-wives. Afterwards, there was a huge line of people wanting to take pictures with him. Some of those folks took pictures with me, too. I loved that audience. There were a lot of black chicks. If you know me, you know I love black crowds- and I especially love my black chicks. What can I say? I love mouthy ladies. I might get in trouble by stereotyping here, but I have met a lot of mouthy black chicks- and I am a big fan! That's part of the reason why I love doing shows in the South.

Tangent: mouthy and disrespectful are 2 different things. Mouthy is fun. Disrespectful is ign'ant

Anyway, after the show, I got to talk to David Alan Grier a bit. He was really laid back and a genuine guy. That is refreshing. Some famous people buy into all the hype and are full of themselves. They order people around. They don't talk to civilians. David was chill.

Ralphie May, Billy Wayne Davis
Ralphie May had 2 really full shows. The 2nd show sold out completely. He is really innovative about marketing. He rented a bunch of billboards around town. I have never seen a club comic do that before. He is huge now. He is about to be even more famous, I think. If I ever get enough money to rent billboards, I will do the same thing!

Captain Jesus
I first worked with Billy Wayne back in 2006 at the Tulsa Loony Bin. Seems like whenever he introduces me to people, he tells the Captain Jesus story. Basically, after Billy Wayne, Shane McConaughy went to Sam Kinison's grave, I had the urge to go to a Army Surplus store. I had been meaning to buy a utility belt. I once had the opportunity to buy a leather police utility belt and I passed it up- a decision I always regretted. So, I bought a nylon utility belt- and I wore it onstage the whole week. I did not address my utility belt even once. People noticed the belt, and I just did my act as if nothing was out of the ordinary. At the time, I looked like Jesus. So, Billy Wayne spent the first few minutes of each of his sets calling me Captain Jesus and talking about my belt.

Anyway, I have hung out with BW in a few times since then, mainly in Denver and Seattle. I watched his 1st set last Saturday, February 28th. Even though he was opening for Ralphie, he crushed like the headliner he is. While Ralphie was on stage, I hung out with Billy Wayne and Steve (Ralphie's tour manager) in the green room.

Slacker
At one point, Steve and I talked about how it's always easier to manage stuff for other people than to use those same skills to help ourselves. For example, I am also a video editor- and I still haven't edited a demo for NACA (National Association for Campus Activities) yet. That has been on my to-do list for 2 years! With a tone in his voice, he told me I should get on that. I know. I know. As I said before, I am totally unfocused right now. I need to get over that.

Intruder Stranger
At the end of Ralphie's set, Billy had to go back on stage and outroduce him. For just a minute, BW was on stage and Ralphie and I were in the green room. I don't usually like to hang out in a headliner's green room unless I know them. Here he is coming back into his fortress of solitude and then there's me: a stranger. "Hi! I'm Jake! I know your friend!" Awkward.

When he came back into the green room, BW made an official introduction, but that is still a weird way to meet someone.

Another Weird Thing Happened....
Before the next show, Wende, the owner of the club, came into the room. I always get a little nervous around her. She exudes strength and power. I can barely afford my rent.

I was eating a reuben from Lucy's, Comedy Works' restaurant. They have amazing reubens there! Wende is picky about her reubens. Me too. If you want a good one, check out Lucy's.

Out of curiosity, Wende asked what I was doing there. My mouth was full, so I pointed at Billy Wayne. Then I reacted to myself. "Wow. That came out wrong. I am not here doing Billy Wayne." Awkward!
I can make things really weird. I'm sure nobody else remembers that moment, but I feel like I am always doing awkward stuff in front of her.

QUICK NOTE BOUT SATURDAY
I was super-tired on Saturday. I went to my parents' house and watched 2 movies, "Seraphim Falls," a good movie with Liam Neeson and "The Confessor," some crappy murder mystery starring Christian Slater. Slater must have really needed the money. That movie was BAD! I kept almost falling asleep, both because I was exhausted and because that movie was BAD! My brain was like "putting up with this bad of a script is exhausting."

Jake's
After going to my parents' house, I did a show at Jake's, a bar named after some other Jake, not me. That place held 100 people- and had 95 people. It was packed! That's really good for a weekly bar show- or any bar show!

8 comics did showcase sets before me. 6 of them rocked, including Alicia Jacobs and Stacey Roquemore, both of whom are finalists in the amateur portion of this year's Great American Comedy Festival. Someone is calling me on the phone right now. I am not answering. I am trying to focus.

Jake's Paradigm Shift
I did about an hour. During that time, I worked on my new bit about extras. As a bonus, I improvised a new bit about the word "retarded." Lastly, I was able to work in my political set. Basically, I am doing The Nightly Show at the Laughing Skull Festival this April. That's the festival's political show. I don't know if you have seen my act, but I am more goofy than political- on stage. Off stage, I am a disgruntled citizen, angry at our government. I just haven't ever brought my political views to the stage. Now I have a deadline.

So, for the next month, I am working out as many angles as possible. I take my views pretty seriously, I don't want to accidentally cheapen them with jokey-jokes. That's probably why I have waited so long to do any material whatsoever about politics. I want to make sure I craft them so they are both smart, and funny. I don't like preachy comics. I don't like simple "Republicans (or Democrats) are stupid" jokes. I am trying to avoid that schlock. If you know me, that is not necessarily an easy thing to do. I make jokey-jokes all the time!

SUNDAY, RISE AND FALL
On Sunday, I went to 2 shows, a musical show and an open mic.

My Roommate's Unnamed Band.
The last thing I want to talk about is I got to see Melanie Karnopp and Matt James do their first live performance together. She places the vibraphone, snare, some sort of bass drum and a couple of cymbals, and he plays guitar, electric violin, and vocals. They began practicing at my house 3 weeks ago. I have been there at most of the practices, listening.

They performed at the Vintage Theater under the name "Murder of Crows." Turns out that name is already taken, so they are still looking for a name. I suggested "Murder of Seagulls."

The Vintage Theater is not a typical concert venue. It's a black-box community theater. The stage was corralled by a western-style wooden fence. They opened for a play- which I did not see. The set indicated it was a period piece- no blood, just a flashback in time.

Matt and Melanie rocked it. They have a really cool, mellow sound. The vibraphones vibrated. Matt crooned. During one of the songs, Melanie played the snare like trains on a track. They only did 4 songs- maybe 5. Matt joked that they were doing a short set because some of the old people needed to go to bed. Musicians don't usually get comedian laughs, but that got a good laugh.

Basement Is Better.
After their set, I said my goodbyes. I didn't stick around for the play. Instead, I headed off to Kinga's to work on my political set.

I was super-excited when I got there. I have been to Kinga's about 5 times and each time it has been a weak open mic. They had this weird, main room upstairs where the audience is at least 20 feet away from the "stage." The stage was just another room right next to the main room. Very few people ever came to see the show. Only comedians showed up.

I started walking up to the place and a couple of the comedians were hanging out in this stairwell smoking cigarrettes. They looked kind of shady down there. What are you guys doing? They told me they moved the mic downstairs. I didn't know the place even had a downstairs. I have been on 2 of the patios and in 2 of the rooms there where they have tried to do their shows, but it turns out this gigantic bar has a basement room too.

I got down there and was blown away! This was way better than upstairs! I don't remember the exact wording, but Nathan Lund told the crowd it was like being on one of the worst places ever and then finding out they had been hiding Disneyland downstairs the whole time! Plus, there was a crowd- for awhile.

That mic starts at 8. I got there at 8:45. I didn't get on until after 10:30. At 1 point, I asked Jordan when I was getting up. He told me in in 5 comics. 5 comics later, I asked again. He said in 3 comics. I don't mean to sounds like a primadonna, but I got bumped! Usually I get bumped the other way.

Typical Me: "When am I on?"
Typical Them: "When do you want to go on?"
Typical Me: "Before the crowd leaves because they are tired of wiener jokes."

No biggie. I ended up doing a 10-minute set. That's what you get!

After my set, Jordan cleared up the mystery. "I'm probably drunker than I should be right now." Oh, okay. Der! Silly me. Why do I take things personally? I got bumped because of beer, not because of any kind of strategy or personal slight.

Complicatedly put, I fell for the old Fundamental Attribution Error! According to AllPsych Online, the self-procalimed Virtual Psychology Classroom, "This (The Fundamental Attribution Error) refers to the tendency to over estimate the internal and underestimate the external factors when explaining the behaviors of others." http://allpsych.com/psychology101/attribution_attraction.html So basically, I totally negated the external factor of beer and mistook it for an internal factor of "Who cares when Jake goes on?" Actually, once consumed, the beer Jordan drank became an internal factor, so... that's drink for thought! Figure that out AllPsych Online!

Anyway, my point is, the next time you are at a mic and you don't get the spot you want, don't get all huffy. Take your ego out of it. Maybe there is some other factor that has nothing to do with you, the guy running the mic, or your relationship with that dude. Maybe it's just a matter of chemicals and happenstance.

I have to stop writing now. I need to get ready for my set in tonight. I am playing at the East Coast Bar, 75 minutes away in Fort Collins. Plus, I might hit up an open mic first.
Bye! I'm Jake!

Texas Part 3: Closing, Goodbyes, Snowjob, Malfunction, Conclusion

2011-01-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

If you've been reading along this past week, you know I recently got back from Texas. You can read about how I got there under duress in the entry entitled "I Want to Shoot All the Snowmen, Traffic Bumblers, and Deer. My Trip to Texas (Part 1)." Then, you can read about how a bunch of my plans went to crap and I slept in my car in the entry "Texas Part 2: PLANS GONE AWRY!" This episode is about conflict, victory, and a bittersweet departure. All I can say is I can't wait to go back!

CAKE, BBQ, OR A MIXTO?
It was Thursday. The sweet blonde had fixed me eggs. I'd use her name, but let's just call her L. That sounds more mysterious. L fixed me eggs. She felt bad about locking me out, but now I just think it's funny. I spent most of that day alternating between napping and watching TV. L and I watched Pirate Radio. Pretty sweet movie. It's about how during the British Invasion of the 60s, the Brits weren't even allowed to listen to their own rockers on the radio. So, pirate radio stations broadcasted from their sea
vessels. That's called a loophole.

Jen, my host, is a Chef. She makes awesome food. She wrote a book you should check out called "Gourmet Meals in Crappy Little Kitchens." That day, she was making an awesome cake for her friend's birthday party. If I remember, it was some sort of cheesecake/ chocolate cake combo. I remember the cheesecake part. All I know is it was going inside some other cake and it was going to be awesome!
She invited me to the party. Sweet! I like cake- mainly because it rhymes with my name.

Also, besides the prospects of saccharine gluttony, I was really looking forward to hanging out with Jen and L. Jen and I had gotten tacos, but we really hadn't gotten to do much else yet. I didn't want to waste the opportunity!

However, I had a conflict. I had also promised 2 other people (who do not know each other) that I was going to hang out. Occasionally I do that. I double or triple-book myself. Shoot! I just tell people I am an artist. I am. I like to paint. Truth be told, though, I like to make a lot of plans. I always want to make sure I have something to do. It's like when you call a cab: if you just call 1, you might have to wait forever. Call 3, and 1 of them will beat the others. That's the 1 you take. A couple cabbies usually end
up getting pretty mad when they show up and you aren't there.

I'm kidding. I don't make plans like I hail cabs. I really do call 3-4 cabs but I never purposefully waste people's time and flake on them. Occasionally, it does happen. You know what? I am really just digging a hole right here. Let's move on.

The point is, on Thursday, January 6, 2011, I had 4 cabs' worth of plans.

Earlier in the week, I had told my friend, let's call her Shaniqua, that Thursday was good for me. This was before I knew I was going to sleep all day Thursday, due to being locked out the night before. The thing is, I had wanted to hang out with Shaniqua ever since I first met her on January 1st. right off the bat, I was mouthy to her and she was mouthy back. I like people who can dish it out- yet take some back. We had tried to make plans a couple times, but Shaniqua had a lot on her plate that week and it appears so did I.
The birthday party, hanging out with Jen and L, and some sweet, invented cheesecake. I wanted to take this option for so many reasons. I like cake. My hostesses were awesome. I wasn't totally sure when we were going to hang out. That's part of the couchsurfing experience. You get to tangle your lives with your hosts' and they get to tangle theirs with yours. Eloquently put, Jake. That sounded dirty and it's really not. My point is it's about culture.
Melissa, Curt's friend who bought us the Maves tickets, and brought us into her home, had invited me to go get some barbecue. I frickin love barbecue! She invited me to check out Hard Eight BBQ, in Coppell, Texas. I love Texas barbecue! Also, Melissa is super cool. After the Maves tickets, I wanted to buy her dinner. It's the least I could do.
My friend, Shane Mauss was in town, headlining the Dallas Hyenas and this was the only night I could see his act.

So, yeah, I over-committed myself. I talked with L, Melissa, and Shaniqua about how I could manage to see everybody. If I hung out with Jen and L, then not only would I be unable to see Melissa, but I also wouldn't be able to see Shane's set. Melissa said we could maybe hang out Saturday if Thursday didn't work- maybe. Friday was no good for her. Friday and Saturday I had shows, so if I didn't see him Thursday, I probably wouldn't be able to see Shane at all until Saturday during the day. I couldn't see both Melissa and Shane that day, so I would probably have to pick 1 and just not see the other for the rest of the trip. If this is confusing to you, good. Then, I have successfully re-created all the thoughts boiling in my sleep-deprived head that car-slept Thursday.

L helped me sort this out. She said she and Jen would have no problem if I just hung out with them later. Cool. Shaniqua said we could hang out after the show Saturday. She was getting off work late that night and so was I. It wasn't ideal, because I'd have to drive out early Sunday to go home, but at least I'd get to see her. I talked with Shane. We made lunch plans for Saturday. Okay, then! I was going to hang out with Melissa and go get barbecue!

A SWIFT EVACUATION

My conflict resolution process started at around 2:00. It was now 3:15 p.m. I had just taken the stickers off my scheduling Rubik's cube and replaced them so everything made sense- besides the clunky/crappy sentence before this hyphen. Melissa said I needed to be at her place by 4:00 to avoid the serious North Dallas traffic. Crap! I better get moving!

Behind Jen's living room couch, I had 2 backpacks and my laptop bag. On the counter, I had some various snacks including the wasabi peanuts that sustained me on my trip out to Dallas. I packed up everything. Now, I didn't want Jen and L to think I was mad about getting locked out- I really wasn't. However, this did look suspicious. When I made the couch request on couchsurfing.org, I said I planned to stay through Sunday. Here I was sneaking out all my belongings like someone who wasn't going to pay the rent. My removal of my possessions was not a response to getting locked out. I just wasn't sure when I'd be back and I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. I'm sure my hosts didn't think anything of any of this, but I somehow felt like I was being sneaky.

Anyway, I loaded up the car. The plan was to see if I could just crash in Melissa's spare bedroom. We'd eat some awesome Texas barbecue. We'd watch movies. I'd pet her 2 dogs- who go bananas whenever I show up and who sob like little bitches when I leave. They love me. Also, I mean no disrespect when I call her dogs bitches. I love those bitches! I am a sucker for dogs- and really, any pet who wants to play. The previous line was a single entendre. Read it literally, you perv.

But yeah, I love those dogs. Maya normally does not like everybody but she loves me. She is super soft. I am not sure what kind of dog she is. I can't remember. I am species-blind. Dogs can't see color. I don't judge by species. This is a weird tangent. Let's move on. Maya looks kind of like a toy poodle, but I have been assured she is not.

STUPID HONEY

I keep forgetting to mention this, but this is super-critical. At some point, during my stay in Texas, I had a leak. See, I drink a lot of tea. I like to put honey in my tea. Honey makes the tea sweeter. Sometime in the fall of 2010, I had bought a gallon jug of Colorado honey from Sam's club. I was still working on it before leaving for Dallas. Not wanting to buy more honey when I already had honey, I took the honey jug with me. That was stupid.

At some point during the trip, my honey jug leaked all over my floor mat. Right now, as I type this sentence, it is January 21st at 12:04 a.m. Mountain Standard Time. That honey is still on my passenger floor mat. The winter hardened it. It is hard as Leroy the Mating Elephant. Yet, any time I accidentally forget about the leak, it sticks to anything I accidentally put on that floor mat. Passenger shoes stick to it as well. I put my backpack down there 1 day, and it got all over it. I cleaned my back pack off. Yesterday, my Colorado roommate asked me what the sticky stuff was on the couch. I had to hell her a stupid story about my honey-soaked car. Dang it! The honey is spreading everywhere! It has been there for 2 weeks! I really need to clean my car. I need to make a plan- and stick to it.

HARD EIGHT BBQ

After hanging out a bit at Melissa's condo, we got to Coppell around 6-ish (I think). Smoke billowed from the outside pit. Before you ever got inside, you got in line. You walked by a sign that listed all the meats and their per-pound prices. In this regard, it reminded me a lot of Rudy's BBQ, my favorite restaurant chain ever! Of course, I got beef brisket. Duh. How could I not? Melissa and I each got a spicy sausage too. They were gigantic. We should have split 1 of them. Oh my crap: they also had bacon-wrapped shrimp, sold by the pound! I got 3 of those.

After getting our food, we went to the register. I got out my wallet, but she insisted that she pay. She said she invited me. I felt like I should still pay. Oh well. Free food tastes good!

The brisket was almost identical to Rudy's. It was soooo good. Rudy's has the best barbecue sauce. Hard Eight's sauce was not as good, but it was still really good. The sausage was awesome. I saved the best for last: the bacon-wrapped shrimp was incest-delicious. Whoa, Jake! "Incest-delicious?" You like incest? No. Of course not. That is disgusting. However, the shrimp was so delicious that if someone said I could eat all the bacon shrimp I ever wanted- but I had to commit 1 act of incest... I would punch them in the face, steal all the bacon-wrapped shrimp, and tell my relative to get a cab. My bacon-wrapped shrimp! Mine!

For dessert, she had peach cobbler (I think) and I had cherry cobbler (I know). That was awesome as well.

Overall, Hard Eight is delicious. They are just as good as Rudy's- but slightly more expensive. Check them out. Here's a link to all their locations.

Oh yeah: Melissa had called in sick that day. I don't think she was sick, though.

After Hard Eight, we went back to her place and watched another movie. The next day, she called in sick again.

BBQ #2

Curt was working the Fort Worth Hyenas that night, featuring for Matt Golightly. Normally, after shows, he sells his t-shirts and the DVD we made together, The Jerks of Comedy. We are both jerks and we do comedy. He was out of DVDs and shirts. I was supposed to give him some DVDs when he left the condo Tuesday night, but we both forgot. We needed to meet up and rectify this situation.

Also, since I had a surplus of my comedy shirts, I told Curt he could sell them and give me half the profits. We've done this before. It's a good move for both of us. While I am making money at 1 club, he is making money for both of us at the other. Plus, it's risk free for him; I took care of all the up front costs when I designed, ordered, and bought the shirts.

So, the plan was to meet in Arlington. Arlington is the halfway-point between Dallas (where I was) and Fort Worth (where he was). We decided to meet at Rudy's BBQ. Barbecue twice in a row? I'm CRAZY! I still had my leftovers from the previous night in my car.

We met at the Arlington Hyenas, where I would headline later that night. He drove us to Rudy's. I would have, but I had honey on the floor. Rudy's was awesome. When we got back, we saw 1 of the managers. I gave Curt half the remaining DVDs and some of the shirts. Then, I took Curt into the club and showed him around real quick. He had to go.

SIX FLAGS MALL IN ARLINGTON IS A CRAPHOLE!

It was 3:30. I started driving to Dallas, but then I didn't get on the highway. I called Melissa. See, I needed to be back at the club by 7:30. I could go back to Dallas, take a nap, and come back, but that would mean at least 90 minutes roundtrip. I'd have to leave Dallas to come back by 6:30 just to be on the safe side. At best, I'd get an hour nap. That would get me a little rest, but all the driving would wear me out a bit, defeating the purpose of the nap. Option 2 is I could just stay in Arlington and find a movie or something. Before we finished our conversation at 3:35, Melissa told me she was on her way to come watch a movie with me.

I went to Arlington's Six Flags Mall. That place was a total colostomy bag. As my friend Charlie used to say, "a colostomy bag is a bag for your feces!" That's what this mall was. You ever go into a mall where almost all the stores are closed? That kind of mall is sad. This mall was too busy slitting its wrists to be sad. It wasn't sad. It was pathetic.

After gorging at Rudy's, I had to dump. I was hoping to get that done by the time Melissa showed up. You can't invite a girl to the bad part of the bad suburb and then not be there to greet her cause you are making stool.

I went to the bathroom. That bathroom signified the start of the apocalypse. 3 of the 4 urinals were out of order. The sink was running. The soap was out. Someone carved their tag into the mirror. No paper towels.

The stalls were disgusting. I had 2 choices: the stall with a dribble of pee all over the seat, or the stall with no door that had a layer of yellow, caking off the toilet seat. That's right: the yellow was caking off. The yellow surface layer was all cracked like that super-dry clay you find in the desert. If you took a cross-section of the yellow, it would look like a rocky hillside. You could determine how long each layer of pee had been there- and what was going on with the guy that sprinkled it. It was so gross. I chose the 1st stall. I could wipe that pee off. I didn't have my spackle blade to de-cake the other seat.

In my de-peed stall, I saw graffiti all over the place. Using my red marker Which Wich generously gave me a few days earlier, I added my mark. Who cares?

I got all that done by 3:52. Melissa was not there yet. I went to my car. I figured if I was in it, nobody would steal it.

COTTON-PICKING-STUPID-BOWL!

I called Melissa again. We had decided to watch the 4:30 True Grit. I didn't care if we made the previews. As long as Melissa showed up by 4:40, we'd make the movie. Being as she left her place by 3:30, she should have had plenty of time to make the 35-minute drive from Addison to Arlington.

However... she didn't get to the Six Flags Mall until 5:15. No movie. No biggie, though: we Google-Mapped a putt putt golf place nearby. That would be a fun activity! Putt putt rocks! This is where the trouble started. Google Maps said there was a putt putt place over on Division Street. When we got to the address, we found that place had closed.

More importantly, though, Division Street led us right into the 20-block traffic jam radiating in all directions from the Cotton Bowl, a major college football event, happening right then. Holy crap! Just like the traffic I encountered leaving Denver on December 30th, traffic lurched forward at a lethargic 5 miles per hour. It seriously took us from 5:30 until 6:45 p.m. to escape it and get back to the comedy club. the good news, we only put 2 miles on each of our cars doing that. The people in that crowd drove like dorkholes, complete and total dorkholes. I was so mad.

We tried to find a coffee shop or somewhere we could go for the remaining 45 minutes I had before the show. Google Maps told us about a place that was back in the epicenter of the Cotton Bowl hole. Forget that! Instead, we found a sad-looking yogurt place called Fro-yo in the same strip mall as the Arlington Hyenas Comedy Club.

SAD YOGURT

Now, I have provided a link to just about every restaurant and place of interest I visited on my Texas trip, but Fro-Yo is lame. If you really want to go there, find it yourself.

We walk into the yogurt place and we are the only customers. Flourescent lighting buzzed in the background. Ridiculous, non-yogurty gangsta rap filled the room. The cool thing is you picked a cup or a cone and went around to all the soft-serve yogurt flavors and toppings and you served yourself. The uncool thing is they charged you by the ounce- at gold bouillon prices! It was good frozen yogurt, but the price exceeded the value. The ambience put me on edge. I felt like I could be the 1st person ever murdered in a yogurt place. This place was super-sad. Maybe it would be suicide, not murder.

I bought the yogurt. Despite Fro-Yo's crappy pricing, I figured that was a small price to pay considering how she bought dinner, I-Hop, and the Maves tickets. Look: it's not about the money. I just have a hard time prolonging the existence of a gangster-rap/ we're-really-sad yogurt place. Oh, well. At least the sad lady there was nice. This was probably her last day on earth before her overdose so I guess she had to be. Angels won't carry mean suicide cases!

Now, I try not to be negative, but I was kind of cranky about how much time I had wasted between 3:30 p.m. and 7:15 p.m. just looking for something for us to do. I must have been complaining about it a bit because Melissa reminded me "At least you got to see me." Good point! She is a very positive person. That was really cool that she drove all that way just to hang out with me.

She had to go. She had plans with friends. I went to Hyenas, 3 doors down. Aw crap! The show didn't start till 8:30! I should have checked on that! Even after all that wasted time, I still had an hour to blow off! That was certainly not enough time to drive back to Dallas or to even to take a snooze in my car. Last time I tried that, it took me almost 3 hours to sleep. Plus, how would that look if people coming toi see the show saw that and then saw me on stage? You're right: that would look awesome. Let's make out.

HOW TO GET IN FREE
I headlined 2 shows at the Arlington Hyenas. Jen and L came to she show with as couple friends. I was really glad to see them. Before the show, Jen came into the green room. Her friend, trying to be nice, paid for their tickets- even though he didn't have to. I had comps for them so they didn't need to pay to begin with. However, once they already paid, I couldn't really get them a refund. This was a lot like that time Jared tried to get a refund on that gay movie he and I went to. See my previous entry, "Texas Part 2: PLANS GONE AWRY!" to understand the previous statement. Anyway, Hyenas is like the movie theater: They are more than happy to get you in free, but refunds mean paperwork. That's 2 favors instead of just the 1. So, this is a lesson to all you readers (all 5 or 6 of you): always say you are with the band- before you pay.

Anyway, it was really good to see Jen and L at the show. They are both super-cool. So were there friends. Shoot. I can't remember their names. One of Jen's friends stayed with us for 1 of the nights I was there. Her dog stayed with us too. I can't remember the dog's name either. Good memory, Jake! What can I say? I spend time with a lot of animals! Anyway, the dog had a cone on her head because she kept gnawing on her feet till they bled. I really bonded with that dog. I kept petting her and telling her the cone would come off soon. I fricking love dogs!

ADVICE

I had worked with the feature, Ryan Perrio, before. He had a bunch of really funny jokes I had never seen before. Dominic Harris/ Domsky opened the show. Cool guy. Good jokes. At 1 point, I saw Ryan giving Dominic advice about something. That was funny to me. I don't mean to cheapen whatever advice he offered. I just thought it was funny. I wondered how many times I have given advice and someone who overheard it was standing there thinking I was full of crap. Probably a lot. I am kind of a know-it-all. Hang out with me a few years and eventually you'll find that out.

2 AWESOME SHOWS
I had so much fun working the Arlington club that night. Both shows rocked! Headlining is so fun. I just relax because I realize it's my show and I can do whatever I want. You can like it or not. That's your choice.

After the show, L told me that before the show, she had asked Jen if I was funny. L said she really hoped I was. The same thing happened when I 1st stayed with Jen and Wooley. I suppose it would be pretty awkward hanging out afterwards if I wasn't funny. Have you ever heard a fake "Good job?" Both the giver and the receiver of that fake compliment feel kind of slimy. Fake compliments make you feel like you are wearing 3-day-old underwear. You hope nobody smells a rat, but they do. They do. Anyway, the show went really well, so fortunately, I didn't put them in a position to lie. Not trying to stroke my ego here. I just don't like making people lie.

Also, both Ryan and Dominic did well. The 1st time Jen saw me, Ryan emceed that show. She said he was funny again. I think she said that. Am I lying? I can't remember. He did well, though. Whatever.

LAZY DAY AT JEN'S
After the shows, I headed back to Dallas. Jen and L had invited me to come out to the bars, but by the time I got back to Dallas, the bars had closed and they had already gone home. I really wasn't doing a good job hanging out with my hosts! The whole time I stayed there, I had a ton of distractions. I'm so popular! So, that Saturday, I mainly stayed at their home, relaxed, and watched movies with them.

That afternoon, I went to lunch with Shane Mauss. We were going to go to lunch at 1 or 2, but neither of us made it to the restaurant until 3:30 or so. Relaxing really slows you down! It was good to see Shane. He bought us some fancy pizza at a place by the comedy club. I think it was called Vapano's or Vapana's or Vapid or something. Whatever. It was delicious. I had some sort of pesto pizza and he had some sort of chicken artichoke pizza. I think. I don't really remember. We shared though. Gay. Thanks for the pizza, Shane! anyway, it was good seeing him. We had a bunch of laughs and talked about David Lynch movies. His favorite is Lost Highway. I was pretty surprised. That is my least favorite. Actually, not true: Dune is awful. Good book, bad movie. That was David Lynch's sell-out movie.

When I got back to Jen's, I ate again. Jen also made us some amazing curry. It reminded me of the ghost chile curry I had at my couchsurfing host's place in Boston. The ghost chile is the hottest of all chilies in the world. It is over 20 times hotter than the habanero. The Indians have weaponized it. It will f#ck your face up! Jen's curry was delicious. It did not f#ck my face up.

PACKING UP/ THE FIRST GOODBYES
I packed up all my stuff again. Even though I wasn't leaving Texas till Sunday morning, I decided not to stay the night at Jen's. I wish I could have, but that would add extra miles to my trip home. Dallas is East of Arlington and Fort Worth. So, going to Arlington , then backtracking to Dallas to stay the night, then passing back through Arlington on my way to Denver seemed dumb. So, I asked Jared if I could crash on his couch I got done with Arlington and he got off work. Yes, this is the same Jared who I accompanied to the gay movie. No. Whatever you are thinking, no.

So, yeah, I packed up. I pet the cats and the dog. I hugged Jen and L goodbye. Then I left. I missed them immediately. I think I will see them again soon, though- or at least Jen, anyway.

WHERE YOU COME FROM THERE ARE STEERS AND BEARDS.

My 1st show on Saturday, January 8th, at the Arlington, Hyenas was kooky. Before the show, Perrio warned me about the beards. They told me to look for a table of guys that looked like the roughest Hell's Angels I'd ever seen. Turns out these guys were riders- but not the motorcycle kind. I've heard of moes, princesses, poofs, bears, queens, lolly-gaggers and fags, but these guys were naturalist gays. I guess they were the camping, leather-wearing, doing stuff in the wilderness, going back to man's natural primitive state, wildman kind of gays. They looked like they'd fight you, hold you down, then ride away.

Perrio is a weird dude. So, if he tells me somebody is kind of weird, I take note. Last time Perrio saw these dudes, apparently the fudgepack leader- I was going to say pack leader but that just sounded funny. Apparently the pack leader, the eldest wildman got a couple pictures with himself and Perrio. He had his arm around Perrio's side super-tight. He smiled big and wide with isis hand pressed into his rib. When the picture was done, he didn't let go right away. His hand was comfortable where it was. His comfort proportionally equated to Ryan's discomfort.

Anyway, the beards sat right up front. They were all pretty good laughers- except for the unibrow guy. Unibrow beard didn't crack a smile the entire time. Later on, I think he told me he had a good time, but he sure didn't laugh. That's how most of the crowd was. I am not saying they were horrible, but they were not my favorite. They laughed, but not nearly as much as any of the other audiences I had that weekend. I was baffled. I still had fun, but I worked my butt off to do it! They were the kind of crowd that you kill yourself for, then they don't give anything up- until after the show. After the show, they come up to you and tell you they had a blast! You did? Next time, show it.

That crowd reminded me of Leslie, this girl who I took on a date back in 2002 or 2003. She was my friend Dennis's friend. She came with him to see my show in Greeley. I gave her my number. The next week, she called me every day, 8-10 times a day! Holy crap! Then, she drove from her place in Greeley to my place in Denver and we went on a date. We went to dinner. We came back to my place. We kissed a little bit, but she told me she didn't want to do any more than that. Fine. No problem. The next day she leaves. Then, suddenly, no more phone calls. Dennis told me she complained that I didn't try anything with her. Well, what do you want lady? All the signs pointed to "This ain't happenin." How am I supposed to know you mean "It's on?"

That's what this crowd was like. They gave me a "this ain't happenin" and then after the show they told me it had been on! They were the least receptive crowd the whole time I was in Texas. Then, afterwards, they told me they had fun and they bought more shirts and DVDs than any other Texas crowd the I have ever performed for- doggy!

Note: I just put doggy at the end of the previous sentence because I was an English major and I am not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. I just didn't know how to do it.
Note #2: Yes, I did take a bunch of pictures with the beards. No, the pack leader did not dig into my ribs- or anything else. They were really good audience members.
Note #3: Also, Leslie kissed like a dog eating peanut butter.
Note #4: I am so thankful I sold all those shirts. Rent, utilities and all my credit card payments were due and I needed that money bad. Thanks, guys!

The next show was the most fun show I had in Arlington. I sold absolutely no shirts. Whatever. Time to go.

THE FIRST 30 MILES OF MY TRIP HOME
After that 2nd show, I talked to Joanna, the manager, and got my money. I said some quick goodbyes to the other comics and to the staff. I gave a couple of them some t-shirts. I had made some special shirts just for that trip. Since the trip was basically over, I might as well just give them away. Then, I rushed off to Fort Worth.

The plan was to stay at Jared's. I got to the Fort Worth club at 1:30 or so. My hope was I'd be sleeping on his couch by 2:00-ish. I wanted to get up early and start the drive back to Denver before the snowstorm that Melissa told me about. Now, I wasn't actually worried about the snow itself. But, Texas drivers can't drive for crap. Throwing those same drivers on snow would lead to unimaginable misfortune. They never have snow down there, so they would not know how to handle it. A snowstorm is like hooking up. Yeah, everybody eventually figures out the mechanics, but 1st-timers tend to be pretty sloppy and nervous about it. That's how people die. That simile was weak at best- and then it fell apart at the end.

On my way to the Fort Worth club, I got a call from Shaniqua. We still hadn't hung out yet. We had talked about it several times, but every time either of us was available, it didn't work out for the other. So, we decided to hang out at 3:00 a.m., 5 hours before I was supposed to leave town? That's convenient.

Anyway, I got to the Fort Worth club at 1:30 or so. Curt was there sitting in the office. So was Jared. Jared said he had to stay a bit because 3 of the waitresses' money was off for the night and he had to rectify that before he could leave. Curt and I went next door to get pizza. Yep: There was a pizza place that was still open. That surprised me. In Denver, everything closes at 2:00. That's why they call it a cow town.

Curt, Jared, and this other comedian and I were cracking jokes. Meanwhile, I kept getting texts and calls from Shaniqua. Curt knows Shaniqua's real name, but due to circumstances I can't get into at this point, I didn't want anybody else in the room to know who this girl was. this sounds like a bigger deal than it actually is. Despite the fact that I divulge a lot of info about me in these blogs, I have gotten in trouble from violating a few of my friends' privacy, so I try not to do that here. I save that for the stage!

At 3:00, the books were still off. Jared was still wrapping up. Yargh. Shaniqua said I could stay at her place. Cool. I went in the office and told them this girl I had met invited me to stay over. Curt, totally messing with me, put me on the spot "So, who is this girl again, Jake?" I gave him the "Shut the f up" look. However, I handled it really well. "Fine. I wasn't going to tell you guys, but I met this black chick, and her name is actually Shaniqua."

Note: Shaniqua is a name that I have seen several hacky comedians and hacky movies use when they are talking about stereotypical "Oh no you didn't" type of head-bobbing-side-to-side in perfect symmetry with their upraised, long-nailed finger type of black girls. It's a hack black name. So that's why I said "her name is actually Shaniqua."

Then, Curt deflected the situation by asking if she was a tranny. Ha ha. I have a bit in my act about this black tranny I met and how they fooled me. That got a huge laugh and gave the guys something else to focus on. A few jabs from the guys and then sweet. I was out of there.

SHANIQUA'S: PAPER TOWELS AND SMOKE
I got to Shaniqua's at 3:30 a.m. Yep. That is super-late, but she and I had both gotten off work late and we are both night owls. Plus, I live in Colorado. Her 3:30 is my 2:30.

In Colorado, you can't smoke indoors at the bars or comedy clubs or whatever- unless you're smoking weed. In Texas, you can smoke cigarettes wherever you want- unless you're smoking weed. Since I had been to both the Arlington and Fort Worth clubs, I smelled all gross and smoky. I hate that smell! So, I asked Shaniqua if I could use her shower.

Unfortunately, just as I was about to get into the shower, I realized I didn't have a towel. I looked around real quick. Cool. Paper Towels. That'll do pig. That'll do. So, I took my shower, dried off with a handful of paper towels, and went to throw them away in the trash can- but there was no trash can! So, like a rational adult, I flushed them down the toilet- kind of. The toilet was super-duper-clogged. Great. I just met this chick and before we even hang out for 5 seconds, I tell her I need a shower then I clog her toilet. If someone came into my house and did that, I'd be a little suspicious. Right off the bat, I'd think they crapped their pants and they needed a shower to wash it off. I looked around, but could not find a plunger. I did my best to unclog the clog. Another way of saying that is I kept flushing the toilet until it was full to the brim and then I left it for somebody else to deal with- doggy. Screwing up my prepositions again.

I told Shaniqua the whole story. She laughed. Cool. Better embarrass myself now then let her think I ruined her bathroom with a gigantor turd later. I found out later her roommate used the bathroom the next day and thought that she had clogged it. Shaniqua let her believe it.

We stayed up and talked for a bit. She has been going through a rough patch. She smoked her cigarettes. Gross. I used to smoke- so I can't judge- but gross. I asked her how long she had been smoking. 2 months. Oh wow. That is a long habit. I asked her why she smoked. Her friends do it. Really, peer pressure? The commercials are true? I told her she should quit ASAP. She isn't that far into her habit, so it should be easy. Plus, she looks good now, but if she keeps this up for the next 10 years, she is going to look like crap. I know a lady named Jan and a lady named Becky. Jan is the older sister. Becky is the younger. Logic. Becky looks a decade older than Jan because she smokes. Becky's skin is dried out like old pudding.

We talked about a bunch of other stuff too. We both cracked jokes at each other's expense. I am mouthy, so I like chicks who are mouthy too. The whole time I have known her, she has talked about how down she is right now. However, the whole time we hung out, she was smiling and laughing and talking smack. It was great.

Shaniqua had a 2nd bed in a spare bedroom and she told me I could use that 1. It felt like sleeping on a sack of rocks. So, I told her that her bed was more comfortable. I asked her if I could stay in hers- no funny business. Scout's honor. I just wanted to hold her and then fall asleep. She was cool with that. I seriously didn't try anything. I was a perfect gentleman. We held each other until we passed out. I had the best sleep I have had in a long time.

OH CRAP! GOTTA GO!
I slept so well I didn't wake up until 11:00. I didn't leave until 11:30. I got to the gas station at 12:00 and filled up. that's when it started snowing. I went a median speed of 50 miles per hour for the 1st hour of my drive. Texans can't drive on snow for crap! Also, they don't know what a passing lane is for- doggy. They wouldn't speed up and I couldn't get around them. Come on guys! It's just an inch of snow! I know you can handle an inch! Entendres.

I AM DEMANDING- AND A NERD
Finally I got past them. Then the snow stopped. The real problem began. West Texas is sooooo boring. It's flat dirt for miles. I called every girl I know. I talked with Shaniqua. She was going to McDonald's. I told her I don't eat that garbage anymore. I used to, but it's really bad for you. I told her she should quit eating it too. I am bossy. She said "You want me to quit smoking and quit eating McDonald's? That's pretty demanding for a non-boyfriend!" Good point.

I ate my green wasabi peanuts for the next 700 miles. I listened to the Pixies and to my "Action" playlist on my i-Pod. Yep. I have an "Action" playlist. I am a nerd. I also listened to The Moth podcast. It is my favorite podcast. The have the best stories.

THANKS FOR THE CRAPPY WELCOME, COLORADO!
When I left Colorado on December 30th, 2010, we had an awful snowstorm until about Trinidad. When I got back to Trinidad on January 9, 2011, guess what? Another crappy snowstorm! Thanks, Colorado! The difference between these 2 snowstorms is:

During the 1st snow storm, I had to go slow because of all the dufus drivers from Denver to Trinidad (yeah, Colorado drivers aren't much better than Texas drivers).
During the 2nd snowstorm it was 9pm so there weren't as many drivers. However, my wipers crapped out. I don't mean they wore down and they weren't as effective as normal. I don't mean 1 of them fell off so I had to rely on the 2nd 1. I mean they stopped. My wipers stopped. My wipers were going 1 second, and then right when I needed them most, they just stopped mid-stroke. They just lay there across my windshield like an extended middle finger. Meanwhile, the snow flurried down drastically. It looked like God was puking rice.

I pulled over at the next exit and tried to "troubleshoot." In other words, I called my dad. He asked me if I checked my fuses. Check. He asked me to try gently moving the left blade and seeing if the right 1 went with it. check. It did- at 1st. Then it stopped doing that. I broke the linkage between the 2 blades. While I was on the phone with my dad, a guy came over and tried to "help" me with my car. He asked if I had checked my fuses. Yep. Then, because I was next to the gas pump where I just filled up, he said "I probably shouldn't smoke over here." Thank you for the help, sir.

He told me to just get a hotel room for the night. No. That would not do. I really needed every cent in my pocket. $60 on a hotel room would be a waste of money. My sister lives in Colorado Springs. He suggested I try to make it there and then stay the night. At first, that sounded good- until I realized that my sister actually lives 30 miles East of Colorado Springs. I might as well just take that 30 miles North and be that much closer to home. Also, if I finished the trek the next day, I'd be driving behind 10 times the traffic so I'd get bad mileage, frustration, and all that traffic would kick the dirty melting slush up all over my windshield. Then, I'd really need my wipers!

Note: Dirty Melting Slush is a good name for a band. Use it and I'll sure you. Or, give me $50 and I won't sue you.

I was still on the phone with my dad. I started driving again. The smoker and I weren't going to solve anything at that gas station. My dad was dead set on me staying at my sister's. Given the information he had, I could see why he would suggest that. However, what he didn't know is it was so cold out side that the snow was coming down dry. Nothing was sticking to my windshield! As long as I kept my windshield defroster set to warm- but not hot- I would be okay. I just knew it. I am not religious, but I kept asking God to keep the snow dry.

While I was on the phone, my dad got a bit frustrated. I wasn't taking his advice. So, he put my mom on the phone. Then she told me they were simultaneously calling my sister. Dad got off the phone with my brother-in-law and told me I should expect a call any moment now. We hung up. My brother-in-law called. I told him what was going on. He took a more moderate stance. He could see both sides. He told me to call him when I got to Colorado Springs. Then I called Melissa. She said if it was her, she'd keep going. Since that advice was the closest to my thoughts, I took it.

CONCLUSION

After a long, white-knuckled drive, I got home at 12:30 a.m. I hadn't eaten anything but wasabi peanuts all day. I was beat, totally beat. This is what it is like to be a road comic. Even after good shows, and all the adventures you get beat down. If you want to see what it is like to be stand-up comic, don't watch Comedian, or Funny People, or The King of Comedy. Watch Crazy Heart or watch The Wrestler. Watch someone run their cars and their relationships into the ground- like a joke trucker. Watch them sleep in their car. Watch them skip eating to save time because they have bad routing in between gigs. Watch them take only 30% of what the booker is charging the venue- because even though the booker is shady, the comedian needs to pay the rent and at least they are getting some money. Then watch them risk their life speeding through a crappy snowstorm without wipers because they can't afford a Motel 6.

As I collapsed onto the mattress on my cluttered floor, I knew I was home. I fell asleep almost instantly.

EPILOGUE:

My wipers cost me $200. Both the linkage from the wiper motor and the linkage from wiper to the other had broken.

I still talk regularly with Melissa, Shaniqua, and Curt. I just did a gig with Curt this weekend in Albuquerque.

A friend at the Dallas club told me the Arlington club closed within 10 days of my headliner weekend there. She said "you were the last headliner, basically." As I jokingly told the Dallas crew my last night there, this wouldn't be the 1st club I closed- or the last. After an open mic and a lot of sad goodbyes, the Arlington club closed their doors on January 18th. Good news, though, the DFW area still has 2 Hyenas and 3 other clubs. I love that place.

I still have honey all over my car's floor mat. It got on my backpack- which left honey on the couch, my hoodie, and me several times.

SPECIAL THANKS TO:

Randy, Jared, Billy, Joanna and all the Hyenas crew, for giving me the headliner spots, and for helping me ring in the New Year! Can't wait to see you all next time!
Jen and L, for putting me up. I seriously don't care that L locked me out! I am just glad we got to hang out and I got to eat your curry. Take that literally. That is not a dirty joke. For real, Jen and I are just friends.
Matt Golightly for helping me get into Hyenas in the 1st place!
Curt, for being my fellow Jerk of Comedy for helping make A Message to Shane Mauss
Shane, for laughing at the video we made for you, and for buying me lunch! Good to see you, buddy!
Melissa, for putting me up, for the BBQ, for the Maves experience, and for letting make fun of your silly dialect. Also, you have cool dogs.
Lastly, thanks to my parents, for putting up with me even when I totally disregard their advice. I love you both!
Oh yeah: thanks to all of you who read this!

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. If there are any typos, I will fix them later. I am in Albuquerque right now and it is time for breakfast!

Texas Part 2: PLANS GONE AWRY!

2011-01-19T13:12:00.001-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

In my last post, "I Want to Shoot all the Snowmen, Traffic Bumblers, and Deer. My Trip to Texas (Part 1)," I talked about how I had a white knuckle drive to Texas and I to fend off a cavalcade of mental patients with a sharpened butter knife. That was a crazy night!

After sleeping all day on December 31, 2010, I had 2 shows at the Fort Worth Hyenas Comedy Club. Anybody that saw those shows got a hell of a bargain. Dustin Ybarra emceed. He often headlines clubs and is in a couple movies that you'll see in 2011. As for me, I've been headlining bars for a long time, but I am starting to headline clubs as well. Also, I was on Elimidate and I created the semi-viral video, How To Build a Hobo Trash Can Fire. Our headliner was Brad Williams, known for his tours with Carlos Mencia. He has been on the Tonight Show and other stuff too.

We had 2 shows that night. I have to admit, I was still pretty tired when I got to the club. Overnight drives can really take it out of you. No problem, though: I have done tons of shows with less sleep.

What I didn't count on was Dustin. Most of the time, the emcee is pretty good, and then I show up and I take it to the next level. Dustin had already taken it to that level. He crushed! Holy crap! I did not expect that. I busted my butt those first few minutes. I got the crowd on my side, but they didn't give it up easy till they got to know me a bit better. Fortunately, I never let the crowd see me sweat. But inside, I was like "Whoa. Big wave. I thought this was going to be kiddie pool. There is some pee in here- mine." The 2nd show, I came out guns blazing. Had a blast. That show was a piece of cake. Phew!

Normally after a show, I sell some t-shirts. Back in the 80s, comedy clubs used to pay comedians about 3 times what they are getting now. Now, they realize there are a ton of other comedians who will do the work for less- so clubs don't pay jack! So, comedians have to augment our incomes with merchandise sales. If you ever see a comedian who totally rocks, please buy a CD or shirt or something- if you can. That will probably turn into their gas money. You're helping them afford to show up and entertain you.

Anyway, after the shows, normally, there is a huge flock of people surrounding me at the merch table. Some of them buy stuff. Some of them don't. Some of them are just saying hi. No biggie either way. Just come say hi. That is important for us too. So, yeah, normally I am surrounded. However, when I worked with Brad, I noticed something different. Sure, a bunch of people came up to me. It wasn't as many as normal, though. Most people wanted to take a picture with Brad. Brad is a midget. Most people don't have pictures with midgets. Wait a second: I don't have a picture with a midget! I should have gotten 1! Dang it!

After the 2nd show, we did a midnight toast for New Year's Eve. People drank champagne. I stood on stage with the other comedians. Jared Butler, manager of the Fort Worth Hyenas, tried to talk me into wearing a diaper to dress up as the 2011 New Year's baby. My gut is a little out of control right now, so I declined. Yep. I am lame. That just means I have a gut and I wussed out! Fortunately, they could not find a diaper (or something to turn into a diaper) anyway- until about 11:50 p.m. Then, they talked Dustin into wearing the diaper. They fashioned a homemade diaper out of a cook's torn up t-shirt. It looked pretty funny. Dustin has way more of a gut than me. The thing is, he is overall chubby so it makes sense for him to have a gut. Maybe his genes are responsible. Who knows? I am a skinny dude with a gut. My gut looks out of place. I have an out-of-place gut! I look like a math teacher or Dale Gribble or something. My body tells you the only reason I have a gut is I don't excercise and I eat like crap. My body tells the truth.

SIDE COMMENTARY TO AN EX-GIRLFRIEND AND/OR MY FUTURE LADY

But yeah, Fort Worth was fun! I had a blast! It was good working with both those guys. Also, it is always great working New Year's. I used to date this girl who always got mad when I worked on Holidays. She didn't understand at all. She said things like "I deserve to have my boyfriend for New Year's." I tried to tell her that New Year's is like a bowl game for comedy. If you're working that night, you're doing something right. This same girl used to get mad at me because I was doing shows every night. That's my work, baby! That's how I put food on the table. How would she have felt if I complained we never get to spend time and then I asked her to start taking time off her work? "That's different. Your job is fun!" So, you're not mad that we don't spend time. You just hate the fact that we have schedule conflicts- and that your job is lame.

Look: I understand that she wants her man on New Year's. I always wish I had my girl by my side that night too. Everybody else is doing their New Year's kisses and stuff. Even the guy dressed like a baby left the stage to kiss his girl. Working the road is a little soul crushing. Because I travel, I also don't have a dog. Sometimes I go away for months at a time. So it would be hard to take care of it. That sucks too.

I once offered to take that girl with me on the road- even though she was high maintenance and would totally make the trip about her. The thing is the places I go include Wyoming, Texas, South Dakota, etc. She wasn't interested in those places. "How come you never go to Vegas? You should call them and set something up. Then I'll go with you." Yeah, cause that's how that works. You just call up Vegas, "Hi Vegas! How are you?" and then you tell them even though you are a comedian they have never heard of, they should book you so your drinky girlfriend can come get soused and gamble your earnings away. That's how this business works! Duh! Why didn't I think of doing that?

Moving on... .

HAPPY 2011. DALLAS WELCOMES JAKE SHARON

On New Year's Day, I headlined the 1st show of 2011 at Hyenas Comedy Club in Dallas, TX. It was awesome! This was the 3rd comedy club I ever headlined- and the 1st time I headlined a club with 200+ people in attendance.

I first went to the Dallas Hyenas last June as a feature. I made a solid impression, so they brought me back in a larger capacity. It was cool seeing my name on the marquee.

Curt Fletcher headlined the 2nd show that night. He had a super funny set. They didn't put his name on the marquee, though because only 1 name would fit on there and his name is too long. That's what you get mister long-name!

HEADLINING, CAMERA PROBLEMS

The 1st show was a blast. I recorded both Curt's and my sets using the club's high definition (HD) camera. The image to the right is a freeze frame from the video we recorded. Notice the Christmas presents. Where are all the Hanukkah presents and Kwanzaa bling blings?

Since the club still had a bunch of their Christmas decorations up, I called them out for being lazy. It is fun to make fun of the people writing your check.

The video camera at the club records to a SDHC memory card. If you want to record a really long video, an SDHC card is way better than a tape. Tapes are limited to 62-minutes. Depending on the capacity of the memory card, it's possible you could record several hours. Since I wanted to get each of our sets from both shows, Curt and I shopped for a SDHC memory card earlier that day. We went to a Best Buy. Despite the fact that it was 4 in the afternoon, they were closed. They were missing a wall. Someone had driven their car through the front door. I think it was an accident. You can't have a business without all your walls! So, Best Buy took a vacation day.

Here's a quote from the online version of the Dallas Morning News. "Dallas Police said the woman, whom they did not identify, was trying to park in a handicap space in front of the store about 11:45 a.m. She told investigators that her SUV malfunctioned, accelerating over a concrete pillar and through the front doors."

Likely story. Silly crips!

So, we went next door to Office Depot- or Office Max- I can never really remember the difference. Whatever. Office Axpot. The employee at Office Deepax was super confused about my line of questions. I don't think he gave a crap, though. It was near closing time. Really? You close at 4 pm? I guess they work a short day.

Anyway, I had questions because I wanted to find the right memory card for this shoot at the club. The Hyenas manager, Billy, had shown me what kind of card I needed. However, those memory cards come with different capacities (2 gigabytes, 4 gigabytes, 8 gigabytes, 64 gigabytes, etc.) and I needed to know which 1 would allow Curt and I to capture both sets from both shows. The prices ranged from $14 to $100 or so. I was looking for the cheapest option that would definitely work. Turns out, Office Potmax had a $14 adapter that would allow me to take the 8 GB micro memory card from my phone and put that in the camera. Sweet!

All right: so the preceding paragraph was super-boring. So let me tell you a fun fact: I once snagged myself on barbed wire when I was streaking/ working campus security at Hastings College.

Cool. The point is I had the memory card I needed. What I didn't count on is that it would fill up after the 1st show. In between shows, Curt and I went back to the condo. I took the micro card out of the adapter, put it in my phone, and transferred the video files to my computer. Then, we went back to the club. I put the memory card in the computer only to realize that the card was still full! Oh crap! When I was at the condo using my computer, I forgot to delete the files from the card! Crap! I tried to use the camera to delete the files. I could not figure out how. I pushed all kinds of buttons and nothing worked. I was getting super-frustrated. This was not a good way to ready myself for the 2nd show! I dorked around with the camera for about 25 minutes. Then it was showtime. Too late. Looks like we aren't recording the 2nd show!

As the emcee took the stage, Billy said "You have time. You still have 20 minutes before you guys are on stage. Just have the emcee give me a light when you are back." Oh yeah! I forgot Billy was doing a set! I ran back to the condo, emptied the contents of the memory card, then got back just in time to see the beginning of Billy's set. Besides Curt's and my sets, I recorded his whole set too. He later told me that is the best/ most current footage of his act that he has! Phew! Glad I got it!

Curt headlined that 2nd show. He rocked. After the show, I ran into Erick Earp. His sister, Shauna, is my former agent at Big Fish Talent. Shauna had hit me up earlier that week asking if I could get Erick into the show. No problem! Turns out Erick is a comedian too. Nice. Also, Curt and I saw his friend, Melissa. After the show, she took us out to I-HOP. Also, Melissa told me to tell you she is the coolest girl in Texas.

DON'T TOUCH ME!

It's rare that I tell a woman not to touch me. When I was at I-HOP at 2:30 in the morning, I was touched in an unprofessional manner. Here is a tweet I posted the next day:

"If you are ever an IHOP waitress in Dallas, TX and I am ordering food from you, maybe don't pat my head."

10:07 AM Jan 2nd

We sat down, the waitress brought a friend over, then she told me she liked my hair and patted my head. Turns out her friend was a trainee! "Here's how we treat our customers. We touch their heads then we touch their food!"

Don't get me wrong, I liked the trainer. She was a cute, mouthy, black chick and she touched me. However, I feel like she might have violated a policy or something. Maybe the Best Buy lady should try to park her car at that I-HOP, close them down for a day.

If you want a pat down with your flap jacks, go to the I-HOP at 4040 Abrams Road, Dallas, Texas 75214.

DOWNTIME IN DALLAS

Billy had invited us to a poker game that Sunday. On Sunday, he told us the game was cancelled. No problem. Pretty much all Curt and I did on Sunday was sleep. We slept, bought groceries, ate food, and watched TV. Also, we went to Melissa's place. I just talked to her on the phone a second ago. She reminded me that we came over and watched a couple movies. I had forgotten which day we did that. Also, she told me something profound that I had previously told her: "A Colorado midget is a Texas dwarf." We had been arguing about the differences between midgets and dwarves. This was probably due to the fact that I had just worked with a midget or dwarf.

Anyway, Curt and I took it easy that Sunday. We were both pretty wiped out from our travels 2 days prior. We had been going non-stop since then!

Curt and I were each working a Hyenas club later that week. He was working the Fort Worth Club with our good friend, Matt Golightly. I was working at the Dallas club with Shane Mauss. Shane and I had worked together a few times before. He is a super-cool guy. The 1st time we met was on a one-nighter run back in 2008. Or was it 2007? Back then, he had turned me onto some good movies, The King of Kong, a Fistful of Quarters, and Confessions of a Superhero. Both highlighted how lame people can be when they put their minds to it. Check them out.

Curt and I had a few days off. Hyenas usually doesn't put up their features, but Randy was cool and let us stay in the condo till Wednesday. The club needed to clean it Wednesday before Shane got there Thursday. During that time, we made a video for Shane. Watch it. See what kind of jerk I am.

Anyway, thanks for letting us stay in the condo, Randy. Sorry about the butt, Shane.

JASON RUSSELL, EXPENSIVE MALL FOOD, SUNGLASSES

Years back, I worked with headliner Jason Russell. He lives in Fort Worth. Curt stayed with him when he worked that Hyenas club. Jason, his lady, and his 2 kids came to the mall near where Curt and I were staying in Dallas. He was looking for boots. He failed. He was super frustrated about that.

We ate lunch at the mall's food court. Food courts are typically a rip-off. This food court was no different. However, I did find a decent sandwich at Which Wich. It was fully loaded with meats and condiments. Also, it had a buffalo sauce. Tasty. I even got to use a fake name when I put my order in. Then, when the sandwich was ready, they called out my fake name. Sweet! Too bad my sandwich cost $11! I usually get great sandwiches elsewhere for about $6- if that. Glad I could help pay your mall rent! Good news though: when you place your order, you write what you want on a brown paper bag. They supply a red permanent marker to help you place that order. I wonder if they know that their overpriced sandwiches come with a free permanent marker? I have been graffiti-ing with that thing for a couple weeks now.

Our entourage went to some boot stores and some clothing stores. The mall was closing at 6. Jason raced ahead of the group to see if he could find boots. He was clearly frustrated. I get that way when I don't get what I want, too. He loaded up his family into the car, drove 45 minutes from Fort Worth to Dallas, came to the mall (a horrible place to be) and now it was almost closing time and he had nothing to show for all that. Plus, he still had to drive home.

So, yeah, he was racing ahead of the group, checking out each store's boots, and we caught up to him typically by the time he was on his way out of said store.

At 1 of the stores, they had really expensive sunglasses. I tried on 10 pairs. As I put them back, I smudged the lenses with my sandwichy fingerprints. Take that you rip-off artists!

AUSTIN? HOPEFULLY NEXT TIME

I was hoping to make it down to Austin. My friend Nancy Reed is from there. Shane lives there. Matt Golightly lives there. Also, I have heard a lot about their comedy scene and I really wanted to check it out.

The thing is, I wasn't driving the 4 hours without at least 1 booked show. I don't even mean a paid show. I just wanted a guaranteed set. Cap City usually has a Sunday open mic, but it was cancelled because it was New Year's weekend. Cap City also has a Tuesday show, PUNCH!, but it too was canceled.

The cool thing is while I was arranging my potential Austin excursion, I got to talk to the PUNCH!'s organizer, Matt Bearden. We talked on the phone for about 45 minutes. I picked his brain about the Austin comedy scene versus the Dallas scene. Cool guy. Also, I got to talk to former Denverite, Roxy Castillo. She lives down there too. She recently got to work at Cap City. Funny lady.

THE MAVES, FAT DUDES, FAT CHICKS, STEERS

Since none of the shows I wanted to do in Austin were available, Curt and I found ways to fill the time in Dallas.

On Tuesday, Melissa took us to a Maverick's game. Sometimes, her company has free tickets for its employees. However, since Curt and I did not know our plans for Tuesday until Tuesday, it was too late to get those free tickets. So, Melissa paid. Nice lady! I bought her a soda there, but believe me, even at inflated sports venue beverage prices, the drink did not equate to the price of a Maves ticket. Thanks Melissa!

The game was awesome! I had never seen a pro-basketball game before. There was a lot of fanfare. They even had a midget. He wasn't on the team or anything, but he was there. He was part of the Maniacs, a group of fat dudes/ fans who dance at all the home games. They have a reserved section at the American Airlines Center.

Also, we saw the Mavericks Dancers. They are basically cheerleaders- but for basketball. They are so fat! Kidding. They are not fat at all. You'll have to find another reason to judge them.

During the halftime, these Russian gymnasts danced around for a bit. So, there were fat guy dancers, the Maves Dancers, and now Russian dancers? That sure is a lot of dancing for a basketball game! What's that line from Full Metal Jacket?

"Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don't look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down." - Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket.

Whatever. The basketball game was super-close the entire time. At the last minute, the Maves ended up winning by 3 points. It was awesome. I can't wait to see them again!

PLANS GONE AWRY/ HEADLINING
Tuesday really was awesome. That afternoon, I got a call from Randy, the owner of Hyenas, called me up.

Randy: "What are you doing this weekend?"
Me: "Working for you in Dallas. Why?"
Randy: "What? Let me check my notes..."

To the best of my knowledge I was booked I to work with Shane Mauss that week at the Dallas club. However my records and Randy's records did not match- and that turned out to be a good thing.

Randy: "You want to headline Arlington?"
Me: "Totally."

The Arlington Hyenas is the 4th club I have headlined. So far, I have 2 more on the books for this year. Sweet!

COUCHSURFING
Just because I was headlining that week, doesn't mean I am a rockstar, staying in a fancy suite with poolside hos. I needed to find a place to stay.

On Wednesday, I had to leave the condo. The Hyenas crew needed to clean it before Shane got there. They told me I had till about 4pm to vacate the premises. That sounds much harsher than it was. I thought I needed to leave that morning and they told me I could chill till 4. So, I edited and posted that video for Shane. Then I left.

My plan was to stay at Billy's. Billy, the manager of Hyenas in Dallas, is also a comedian. Like me, he has put a lot of comedians up. Unfortunately, though, he had the flu or something before New Year's. Right after New Year's, a comedian, Patricia couchsurfed at Billy's and got really sick. She caught the flu or whatever he had. So, that place wasn't going to work for me.

Fortunately, the last time I was in Dallas, I made some friends on couchsurfing.org. They put me up, took me swimming and rock climbing, and showed me a good time. I messaged Jen and she said no problem. She is a chef. She has a super cool book out called "Gourmet Meals in Crappy Little Kitchens." Buy it. It's awesome!

LITTLE MEXICO

Jen had a softball game that night. She invited me to come, but I wanted to hit up the open mic.

Good news, though: Jen and I went to an awesome restaurant called Little Mexico, at 8424 Park Lane, Dallas, TX 75231-6308. Here is a link. I've found if you are looking for good, cheap, Mexican food, you only need to spot only 1 thing: horchata, a Mexican beverage made from rice, vanilla, and cinnamon. Horchata is usually bubbling in a plastic tank next to 2 other beverages, jamaica (pronounced Heh-My-Ick-Uh) and melon (pronounced mel- own). Sometimes you also see tamarindo instead of melon. Only real Mexicans ever sell those drinks. Pepsi and Coke is for suckers!

Naturally, the horchata was awesome. Little Mexico's food was awesome too! It was $1 taco night. I ate 4 different tacos and I was full! I can't remember what 3 of the tacos were, but the 4th kind was lengue, tongue. It was so good. I expected it to be squid-chewy, like the cow tongue I had eaten a long time ago. However, it was soft and quishy, like squash or, boba. It was delicious!

Fun fact: Little Mexico shares the rent with a Korean restaurant. You can use either of their doors to enter the same space. They both have their own menus and their own entrances, but they share a cash register in the middle. A Korean lady took my authentic Mexican order. Cool.

PLANS GONE AWRY/ A GAY MOVIE

Every Wednesday, Hyenas Dallas has an open mic. My plan was to go to the open mic, work on some new jokes, watch Erick Earp's and some other comedians' sets, and then meet up with Jen and her roommates.

However, Jared, the manager of the Fort Worth Hyenas, runs the Wednesday open mic at the Dallas Hyenas. As I came in the door and said hi to a couple people, he invited me to go next door to the artsy movie theater and watch a movie. I said I wanted to see my friend's set and hang out a bit. He said the open mic would still be going on when we got back and he would put Erick on later.

I told the cashier at the movie theater I worked for the comedy club. I got in free. Jared did not realize he could do that. He had already bought a ticket. He tried to get a refund. The guy said he could call his manager. Jared said "Nevermind." When you are trying to get the hook-up, it is best not to involve the manager. That could screw it up for next time. Keep it simple. So, yeah, Jared did not get in free. Sucker!

We were there to see "I Love You Philip Morris," a movie about a gay con-man and his inmate boyfriend. Yep. It was 2 dudes watching a gay movie. Jared bought us popcorn. We shared. Even gayer. Steers and queers! Fortunately, he put the popcorn down in the seat next to him so we had a seat separating us. Good: less gay.

Turns out "I Love You Philip Morris" was fricking hilarious! Check it out!

PLANS GONE AWRY/ INSTEAD OF COUCHSURFING, CAR SLEEPING

I went to the open mic. Had a fun set. Did some ad-libs. Erick had a fun set. Jared asked me what I thought about a couple of the comics. After a brief discussion and watching 1 of the guys have a fun set, he offered that dude a chance to emcee at Fort Worth later that week.

I texted Jen to let her know I was still at the mic. I asked her how the game went. Her team won! She told me which bar she was at and invited me over to do some karaoke. Cool. Sounds like a plan! I don't drink, but I totally wanted to hang out. Plus, I love karaoke.

I didn't see most of the open mic. I watched a movie. Instead of going to the bar with Jen, Jared and a couple of the comics and I went out for tacos. I had a lot of tacos that day!

Here's a rule for all you comics: if you ever work the road and someone offers you a ride to a bar or a house or anywhere, DO NOT TAKE IT! You totally lose control of your transportation, your agenda, and your time. You leave when they are ready. Plus, the people driving you might kill you.

Jared offered me a ride to the taco place. It was nearby, so I went along. That was cool. I trust him. No problem. However, I should have gone home at midnight. I was pretty tired and I wanted to hang out with my couchsurfer host before going to bed. Don't get me wrong: hanging out with Jared was awesome. He is a funny dude. Plus, it was cool to see the other comedians. However, I stayed out too late.

I got to my host's place at 2:30 a.m. I had originally said I'd be back between 10 p.m. and midnight. Jen and her roommate had already gone to sleep. I used the key she gave me to open the door. However, I could not open the door. I tried a couple times. Wtf? Turns out they have a 2nd deadbolt that can only be unlocked from the inside. It was locked. Oh crap.

I went around to the front of the house. I got that door open- partially. However, that door had a chain. It was 2:30 a.m. I was locked outside. I called Jen. No answer. I texted her "Hi. Just got back. Sorry so late. Went somewhere and somebody else drove. Was stuck. Anyway, I think the top lock is locked. Could u let me in?" No answer.

I texted her again. "I didn't want to wake you up and I have a sleeping bag in my car... so, if you get this message before morning, please knock on the white Honda by your garbage cans/ driveway. :)" It was 3:14 a.m.

I have a tent and a sleeping bag in my car. I always do. I thought about setting up camp in Jen's yard. I should have. I was too tired, though. I did my best to sleep in my car. I couldn't sleep. I texted Billy and Jared. "You up? My couchsurfer friend accidentally locked me out for the night." No answers. It was 4:17 a.m.

At 4:30 a.m., I went to Tom Thumb, a Texas grocery store. I bought a toothbrush. I had a spare toothpaste in my car, but my toothbrush was in the house. I have a hard time falling asleep if I don't brush my teeth 1st. I brushed them in the Tom thumb parking lot. Spit on the pavement.

At 5:15 or so, I fell asleep in my car, in front of Jen's. At about 6:30, I heard the knock on my window. It was Jen. Turns out her roommate had come home a bit drunk and accidentally locked me out. Jen must have apologized like 10 times. I told her it wasn't a big deal. It really wasn't. Yes, I was tired, but I had Thursday off. Plus, truth be told, I was the freeloader who came home super-late. So, really, no big deal. Jen said she'd give her roommate some crap and make her fix me breakfast. I don't mean the crap was used in the breakfast. The crap was metaphoric. Anyway, I crashed on the couch and slept until 11 or so. The next day, her roommate, a sweet little blonde, made me eggs. Cool.

This is part 2 in a 3-part series of entries about my Texas trip. Check out Part 1, I Want to Shoot All the Snowmen, Traffic Bumblers and Deer. Then, come back again and read the conclusion in my next entry, Texas, Part 3: There's So Much Blood!

Bye! I'm Jake!

I Want to Shoot all the Snowmen, Traffic Bumblers, and Deer. My Trip to Texas (Part 1)

2011-01-14T17:20:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!
I have been back from Texas since Monday at around 1:00 a.m. So far this week, I have done 2 shows at Comedy Works. Both have been great. Also, I edited a video that explains how to replaced a defective electrical component in some hospital equipment. That was super-hard on my brain. Heh. Hard on.

It feels strange to be back here in Colorado. Only last week, I was enjoying 60 degree weather, eating barbecue, and walking around in my zip-off pants. Now I'm here again, all bundled up for winter, watching snow melt to slush, eating white people food, and walking around in my zip-off pants.

By the by, my zip-off pants are super-awesome! They are so comfortable! Unfortunately, while I was in Dallas, I tore 1 of my 3 pairs of cutoff pants. Now I am down to 2 pairs. Dang. Good news, though: while I was staying in the Hyenas comedy condo in Dallas, Texas, I made a special video for my friend, Shane Mauss. He worked the club and stayed at their condo the following week. Check this video out. It's called A Message to Shane Mauss.

Yep. I am kind of a jerk! Shane thought it was pretty funny, though. While I was working the Arlington Hyenas, I came over to Dallas and Shane bought me some fancy pizza. Cool dude!

A BAD PLAN
I left for Texas on Thursday, December 30th, 2010. Originally when I booked the gig, Curt Fletcher was living with me. We were going to drive together. However, then he and his wife moved to Albuquerque because she got a massage job. That's the rub!

So, I was driving solo. That meant extra gas costs. Dallas, Texas is about 900 miles away! Fortunately, I got an e-mail earlier that week asking if I could work Wednesday and Thursday at Wits End in Westminster, Colorado. Sweet! Those 2 shows would pay for my gas getting there.

My plan was to leave Thursday night after my show. That would mean I'd get into Dallas 14 hours later. Even with my clock jumping forward an hour as I drive from Mountain Standard Time to Central Standard Time, I'd be there by 2:00 or so in the afternoon. That Tuesday, the weather looked great for the week. I checked all the online weather maps and everything looked clear. Sunshine and West Texas dirt. Wednesday's weather in Colorado was 50 degrees or so. Eric Henderson, Todd Johnson and I rocked Wits End that night. I even sold some shirts to make extra gas money. Ha ha suckers! Just kidding. I have some sweet shirts. You can check them out on my website. jakeisfantastic.com/store.html .

However...

DEUS EX MACHINA!!!
Thursday morning, I get a call from fellow comedian, Lori Callahan. She said Colorado is going to snow so I'd better get going! Crap! I hesitated. I checked all the weather websites and each state's department of transportation website. At 10:30 a.m., I was still sitting on my butt, sipping my tea. By 11:30, I was canceling my Wits End gig, packing the car, figuring out how to get all my errands done. Christmas was brown and green. Turns out this was going to be the biggest snowstorm of the season!

Before I could get some miles behind me, I needed gas, snacks, water, tea, and most of all, money. Money money money. Since I wasn't going to Wits End that night, that meant I had to go around getting checks from all the people who owed me money. That took over 30 miles to get all that done!

I had all the crap in the car. Suddenly it was 1:00 p.m. I dropped by the Comedy Works in Greenwood Village. I said hi to Jeff and all the crew present. I got my check and hastily ran out to the car. Unfortunately, when I got to the car, I realized I had forgotten my i-pod. Crap! I was not going to drive 14 hours across Eastern New Mexico and West Texas without music. Lame + quiet + West Texas flat dirt= 1 psychotic Dumas driving in the middle of the night. Quick note to all the Texans: did you ever notice Dumas is Dumbass without the BS?

It was 1:15 p.m. or so. I really wanted that i-pod so I drove 15 miles back home- only to realize I had had the i-pod with me the whole time! Dang it! Panicking just wasted a bunch of time!

It gets worse. At 2:00, when I got back onto southbound I-25, I found the longest traffic jam I have ever been in- ever. Normally, it takes 3 hours to get from my house to the Colorado/ New Mexico State Line. Not this time, bub! It was bumper to bumper the whole way to Trinidad! It took me 5 hours just to get the 150 miles to Pueblo! Crap! Crap! Crap! The drive wouldn't have been so bad- except for all the bumbling idiots on the road. By myself, I could have easily handled the sloshy roads and torrential snow. However, with every idiot and their cousin on the road with me, I was doomed. I was yelling at everybody and nobody. I know. That sounds Zen. But I did not feel Zen. No. I was a gutful of stomach acid and a mouthful of get out of my way you dumb cracka! I averaged 30 miles per hour until I got past Pueblo. For 5 hours, that was the average! At times I was going 3 miles per hour! Son of a crapstick! Here's me punching the steering wheel! Why did I have to go back for the i-pod?

Then, I started regretting. Regretting going back to find the i-pod I already had, and regretting not taking the gig. I should have done Wits End, gotten my extra money, sold a couple more shirts or whatever, and just driven throughout the night. Nobody would have been stupid enough to be on the road with me! Regret + traffic tension = a worn-down Jake.

After Trinidad, it was dark, but the weather started clearing up. The drive was way easier at this point- well, until I got to Eastern New Mexico. I almost hit a deer! You stupid deer! Look both ways, dummy! You dumb varmint!

BACK IN DALHART, TEXAS
I ended up driving through Dalhart, Texas- again. That's my favorite place to go- ever! The last time I was there for any significant amount of time, I was doing a shoot at a feedyard. I was an assistant camera man, working on a project for the National Cattlemen's Beef Association.

The feedyard I had gone to was HUGE! This might have been the biggest feedyard I ever went to- and I have been to at least 50! My first job out of college, I was a camera man/editor for a tiny little production company called Agrivision Productions. We specialized in agricultural videos. For several years, I grew accustomed to ending a shoot by both putting the camera equipment away, and by cleaning animal feces off my tennis shows. One time, I saw a bull try to bone another bull. Big day!

Back when I was doing that shoot in Dalhart, I remember eating some really good Mexican food. I also remember walking into a bar and freaking everybody out! As I crossed the restaurant's threshold, the whole bar turned around, shut up, and stared at me. At the time, I had super-long hair. Uh oh. I hope they don't hang me with it! I kid. One of the cowboys on that shoot told me "At first, I didn't think I was going to like you, but you're okay." Cool. Thanks, pardner!

WAFFLE HOUSE NEEDS A NEW HASH BROWN LANDLORD
All I had been eating for hundreds of miles was wasabi peanuts and sandwich bread dipped in my peanut butter container. I didn't have time to stop. Even when I was all the way to the panhandle of Texas, my average miles per hour for the trip was still only 50! All those hours of driving slow really screwed me up. So, I had to make time.

Eventually, though, I also had to eat. I was getting punchy. I stopped in at a Waffle House. I have eaten a lot of good meals at those places. Unfortunately, this time, my meal sucked. I am not really sure how they did it, bu these people screwed up breakfast- the easiest meal in the world to prepare. How do you screw up breakfast? I had the worst hash browns ever. It looked like a pile of soggy shoe laces. It didn't taste much better. Oh well. Now, I had something besides wasabi and peanut in my stomach. My butt would thank me later- probably.

SAVING MONEY
Oh yeah: I have learned a few tricks to save money when traveling. For 1, I bring all my own drinks. People always complain about gas prices but then they have no problem spending $2 on a bottle of gas station water. Don't be an idiot! I take it a step further. I bring tea bags and my gigantic mug. Gas stations charge you for tea. However, hot water is free. 1 tea bag will save you $1.25. Considering all the times I stop at gas stations per trip, that could end up being about $5 per day!

Anyway, I had a lot of tea and made a lot of pee. I stopped about every 63 minutes on that trip. My average miles per hour stayed around 55. Well, at least I was hydrated.

FINALLY, DALLAS
Back to late 2010. I ended up getting to the Dallas Hyenas condo at 7 a.m. Even though I was doing the New Years show in Fort Worth, Hyenas put me up in Dallas. That was about an extra 45 minutes out of the way. Since I passed through Fort Worth to get to Dallas, I was going to have to drive that 45 minutes back the next night. Whatever. I was exhausted. My 12-14 hour drive turned into another 17 hour drive. After all the white-knuckling through the snowstorm, I was just glad to sleep.

I called my former roommate, Curt Fletcher and he came and let me in. He had been sleeping in the bed but he switched to the floor. For the next week, we would rotate back and forth. He got the bed and I got the floor one night and then we'd switch for the next night.

Anyway, I immediately went to sleep. The plan was to sleep all day on New Year's Eve then drive to Fort Worth and do the show. I was really excited to work with Brad Williams. I had seen him years ago performing in Colorado Springs with my friend, Josh Blue.

STAY TUNED....
I haven't even begun to scratch the surface on this story. Check out the next episode of my fantastic blog titled Texas, Part Two, the Sequel to Texas, Part One.

Bye! I'm Jake!

99 Problems with Tron Legacy

2011-01-11T23:00:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I really can't stand Tron Legacy. It is the most worthless movie I saw this past year. In the real world, I got my hopes up- only to have them erased in cyberspace!

I am a geek, a big fan of the original Tron. So, I was super-excited to see this long-awaited sequel. My brothers crossed state borders to watch this movie with my dad and me- well, they were here for Christmas too- but the point is my dad took us to Tron Legacy. The only legacy it left behind is the disappointment in Disney that will last a lifetime. Boo! Disney! Boo!

The following entry is actually an excerpt from my previous entry, 99 Problems and the Lessons We Can Learn From Them. However, I think it is super important to re-iterate how badly Tron Legacy let us down. What an avalanche of garbage! Get a Clu, Disney! Try some substance with your flash, you moneyrakers!

TWEETS I MADE THE WEEK AFTER TRUDGING OUT OF THE MOVIE THEATER DISAPPOINTED:
"Had a typo earlier today. I meant to type Tron and I typed Crap." #Tron
Sun Jan 02 2011 11:49:59 (MST)

"The new Tron movie is lame. Do not pay to watch it. Pass it on!"
Sat Dec 25 2010 09:25:05 (MST)

"Tron Legacy was awful, just awful. It was worse than Star Wars 1-3."
Fri Dec 24 2010 20:35:08 (MST)

MY SYNOPSIS OF 2010'S WORST MOVIE:
Tron Legacy, the most recent chapter in the Tron legacy, really sucked. How can you spend so much on special effects yet completely neglect the plot?

Here is what happened in Tron Legacy: First, we see that this kid's dad disappeared. Then the kid gets sucked into Tron's version of the Matrix. The computer programs give him a frisbee for his back then they make him fight some ninja-esque computer programs. Even though the boy is a typical American coucher/ vidiot, he beats the ninja-apps. While they were busy doing flips and kicks, he hit a bunch of them in the head with his frisbee.

While he is hanging out in the computer program city, he meets a guy who looks like his dad. Hang on. Turns out it is not his dad, just a computer program named Clu. Plot twist! Then the kid runs away. "You're not my dad!"

While the kid is being chased by lightcycle computer guys, a computer girl shows up and takes the kid to his real dad. Turns out the computer chick is his dad's girlfriend. They all eat dinner together at the dad's hideout. The girl tells the kid that the only way he and his dad can escape is if he sees this other computer program who is back in the computer city. Then the kid runs away again.

The kid goes to see the computer program guy the computer girl had told him about . Turns out that guy wasn't helpful at all! Another plot twist! All that computer program did was dance! So did his friends! That is not what the boy needed at all! He is a geek. At dances, he sits on the side and wonders when they will be over! Maybe he will have some more punch.

The computer girl and the kid's dad show up. The bad computer program steals the dad's back frisbee. Uh oh. Clu can use that frisbee to get out of the Tron Matrix.

Also, during all of this, the dad laments the fall of his old friend, Tron, the namesake of the movie. Tron died at the beginning of the movie. But wait! When the kid, his dad, and computer chick are chasing Clu and the dancing guy, this other bad guy shows up. He is red. The good guys are white. The bad guys are red- just like in real life. Wait. What?

Anyway, the red bad guy has 2 frisbees- just like Tron used to have. Oh, hang on! It is Tron! Clu had simply re-programmed him! Another plot twist! Whoa, Disney!

Eventually the dad catches up with Clu and we see the following flash-back:

Jeff Bridges: "Hi. Clu. How are you?"
Clu: "Doing well, Jeff Bridges. And you?"
Jeff Bridges: "Let's create the perfect universe inside this computer."
Clu: "Okay. Sounds fun."
Jeff Bridges: "Wait a second. I see some computer programs that created themselves. Let's hang out with them."
Clu: "That's not the plan. Actually, I am going to kill every last one of those guys. Done."
Jeff Bridges: "Then I will run to the computer mountains."
Clu: "You betrayed me."
Jeff Bridges: "No, Disney betrayed you. It's 2010. Look how little they spent on your computer animation. You look like crap. In fact, I will die to save the movie."
The Movie: "The End."

SUMMARY:
Well, that's Tron in a nutshell. If you haven't watched the movie yet, you don't need to. If you have, demand a refund or at least spread the word. Tron is crap!

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. To read more of my tweets, check out twitter.com/jakeisfantastic

Bye! I'm Jake again!

99 Problems and the Lessons We Can Learn From Them.

2011-01-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Lately, I have had 99 Problems, by Jay-Z stuck in my head. Specifically, I have had the following lines stuck in my head:
"If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems, but a b!tch ain't 1."- Jay Z

Cool lyrics. Essentially, Jay Z is stating the obvious: As an extravagantly rich celebrity, he lives a hard life -with almost 100 problems! Fortunately, though, he doesn't have to deal with women. Does that mean he is gay? Not sure. Doubt it, but either way, I don't judge- much.

I am the exact opposite of Jay Z: I am a poor, straight, white guy. I don't live in the hood. I live in Colorado, the 2nd whitest place on Earth. Guess which 1 is the 1st? Leave a comment. Let me know what you think.

Anyhow, after contemplating Jay-Z's lyrics over and over, my mind started imagining what the lyrics would mean if they were slightly altered. Below are some of my recent Jay-Z tweets:

JAY-Z TWEET 1:
"I have a song stuck in my head that I don't even like. What song is stuck in your head?"
Sun Jan 02 2011 11:02:59 (MST)

Essentially, this is when the Jay-Z lyrics first popped into my head. I was hanging out in Dallas watching the local news. They have way more black people in Dallas. Isn't that awesome? Yes. Yes it is. Dallas is supercool.

Then I started thinking about how Jay-Zeezer is pretty funny. Jay-Zeezer is a mash-up some dude did that mixes Jay-Z's Black Album and Weezer's Blue Album. It's called the Black and Blue Album. You can check it out here: www.jay-zeezer.com/. Sweet. You're back from checking out that website. Hilarious, yeah?

Anyway, while I was listening to 99 Problems with Buddy Holly, I started thinking about 99 Problems. Then I remembered that's not my favorite song. That was a roundabout explanation of that tweet. Let's continue.

JAY-Z TWEET 2:
"If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you. Gross!"
Mon Jan 03 2011 22:38:12 (MST)

This is when I first started changing the lyrics in my head. I realized that if you are having girl problems, you should keep it to yourself, right guys? Ladies, just because 25% of your month is a biological nightmare doesn't mean 25% of the ads on TV need to be about that nightmare. I mean, holy crap! Gross!
Also, Jay-Z: the feminine hygiene industry already talks about girl problems enough. Give it a rest, okay, bub?

JAY-Z TWEET 3:

"If you're having url problems, I feel bad for you Tron. I got 99 problems but a glitch ain't one."
Mon Jan 03 2011 13:38:12 (MST)

At this point, I was driving home from Dallas to Denver. Long drive. I had already called a bunch of people so it was time to text and tweet. I am a good driver/tweeter/texter.

Anyway, I do feel bad for Tron. Tron Legacy, the most recent chapter in the Tron legacy, really sucked. How can you spend so much on special effects yet completely neglect the plot?

Here is what happened in Tron Legacy: First, we see that this kid's dad disappeared. Then the kid gets sucked into Tron's version of the Matrix. The computer programs give him a frisbee for his back then they make him fight some ninja-esque computer programs. Even though the boy is a typical American coucher/ vidiot, he beats the ninja-apps. While they were busy doing flips and kicks, he hit a bunch of them in the head with his frisbee.

While he is hanging out in the computer program city, he meets a guy who looks like his dad. Hang on. Turns out it is not his dad, just a computer program named Clu. Plot twist! Then the kid runs away. "You're not my dad!"

While the kid is being chased by lightcycle computer guys, a computer girl shows up and takes the kid to his real dad. Turns out the computer chick is his dad's girlfriend. They all eat dinner together at the dad's hideout. The girl tells the kid that the only way he and his dad can escape is if he sees this other computer program who is back in the computer city. Then the kid runs away again.

The kid goes to see the computer program guy the computer girl had told him about . Turns out that guy wasn't helpful at all! Another plot twist! All that computer program did was dance! So did his friends! That is not what the boy needed at all! He is a geek. At dances, he sits on the side and wonders when they will be over! Maybe he will have some more punch.

The computer girl and the kid's dad show up. The bad computer program steals the dad's back frisbee. Uh oh. Clu can use that frisbee to get out of the Tron Matrix.

Also, during all of this, the dad laments the fall of his old friend, Tron, the namesake of the movie. Tron died at the beginning of the movie. But wait! When the kid, his dad, and computer chick are chasing Clu and the dancing guy, this other bad guy shows up. He is red. The good guys are white. The bad guys are red- just like in real life. Wait. What?

Anyway, the red bad guy has 2 frisbees- just like Tron used to have. Oh, hang on! It is Tron! Clu had simply re-programmed him! Another plot twist! Whoa, Disney!

Eventually the dad catches up with Clu and we see the following flash-back:

Jeff Bridges: "Hi. Clu. How are you?"

Clu: "Doing well, Jeff Bridges. And you?"

Jeff Bridges: "Let's create the perfect universe inside this computer."

Clu: "Okay. Sounds fun."

Jeff Bridges: "Wait a second. I see some computer programs that created themselves. Let's hang out with them."

Clu: "That's not the plan. Actually, I am going to kill every last one of those guys. Done."

Jeff Bridges: "Then I will run to the computer mountains."

Clu: "You betrayed me."

Jeff Bridges: "No, Disney betrayed you. It's 2010. Look how little they spent on your computer animation. You look like crap. In fact, I will die to save the movie."

The Movie: "The End."

So, yeah, Jay Z helped me deal with a crappy movie, a total tragedy, the burning down of my childhood dreams. You know, maybe 99 Problems isn't so bad after all? Maybe I had this thereapeutic song stuck in my head for a reason.

JAY-Z TWEET 4:

"If you're Milton Berle's father, I feel bad for your son. I got 99 problems but being a drunk ain't one. #jayz"Mon Jan 03 2011 13:40:12 (MST)

Essentially, Milton Berle is a drunk. I am not. His dad was probably not proud of him. I feel bad for Milton Berle's dad. Not much mystery to this tweet.

JAY-Z TWEET 5:
"If you're having pearl problems, I feel bad for you clam. I got 99 shellfish but being an oyster aint one."
Mon Jan 03 2011 20:40:12 (MST)

I was just being silly with this tweet. Clams don't make pearls. I don't even know if clams and oysters are even shellfish. I just know some people are allergic to shellfish. Also, did you know that the word "hell" is embedded in the word shellfish? Wonder what that means....

JAY-Z TWEET 6:
"Did you know that the word "hell" is embedded in the word shellfish? Wonder what that means..."
Tue Jan 05 2011 15:21:12 (MST)

Yep. After writing that line in my blog, I figured I should tweet it. Also, I figured this is a good place to stop talking about Jay-Z. I think I stopped talking about him awhile ago.

SUMMARY:

Overall, we learned several things:

That 99 Problems isn't my favorite song and that Dallas has a lot of black people. Yay!
That Jay-Z doesn't like girls.
That girls and the advertising community should shut up about their gross girl problems.
That Tron Legacy sucks real bad.
That shellfish are silly.
That the word "hell" is in shellfish.
That it turns out 99 Problems is my favorite song! Plot twist!

I hope you got as much out of this as I have.
Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. To check out all my tweets, go to twitter.com/jakeisfantastic and follow me! Bye! I have 99 problems but my problems with Jay Z are no longer 1!

The Holidays: a Time for Comedy Land Mines

2010-12-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I just got home from the downtown Denver Comedy Works, my favorite club in the country.

The holidays are a joyous time for loved ones, desserts, parties, clemency, and the neutering of stand-up comedy. Essentially, a lot of corporations look for activities for their staffs. So, they come down to the comedy clubs. This is cool because it puts more butts in the seats. The corporate staffs are excited to enjoy their company's reward. The club is happy because those companies spend a lot of money on their tab. That's all great. Everybody's happy- well, kind of.

Because corporations are in the crowd spending beaucoup bucks, they have a say in what we comedians say. Their employees are public-embarrassment-drunk but we have to be on our best our best behavior and work clean.

IS THIS CRAP CLEAN?
Just for the record, clean doesn't just mean no swearing or sex talk. It can mean a lot of different things:

TV Clean: Sexual innuendoes, drug jokes, ass, crap, dick, and bastard may be okay depending on the show and the time of night the show airs. Or, if you are a band or an improv troupe, or just some stupid TV guest plugging their movie, you can just do whatever you want- just as long as you aren't a comedian.
Club Clean: This is basically PG-13. You can cuss once or twice, maybe do a couple drug references, but you can't do any graphic sex jokes, or race jokes).
Corporate Clean- You can get paid 1,000's of dollars not to offend ANYBODY in any way, shape, or form. No sex, drugs, abortion, racism, cussing, politics, derogatory remarks about the local sports team, accidental hand gestures, or even dirty looks.
Club corporate clean You get paid 10's of dollars to do the above corporate set. The only difference is you are at comedy club and some of the crowd isn't part of the company having the party. So they don't know why they don't get to hear your regular comedy club set.

Note: I am making a joke about the 10's of dollars thing. Doing a corporate set at a comedy club is extremely beneficial. It's a really good test to see how clean you can be. The holidays are a good time to practice your TV clean set. Also, sometimes, the holiday shows can lead to big money. Representatives from the corporate parties can see you at the show and they sometimes decide to use you for 1 of their events. It's a good opportunity.

HICKS AND TAPDANCERS IN GREENWOOD VILLAGE
Corporate parties at the comedy club occasionally get crapfaced drunk. I was at Comedy Works South in Greenwood Village last week. I think it was Thursday, December 9th, 2010. I worked with Seattle/ New York comedian Joe Larson. He had a great set.

However, a gentleman in the front row talked throughout most of the show. He had his feet up on the stage like this was some sort of peanut shells on the floor kind of bar. Eventually, the staff asked him to leave. He replied "F4ck you! You guys suck," then turned to address Joe "But you were really funny" back to the staff "F4ck you!" I like how he appealed to Joe as if somehow Joe was going to help him. It's almost as if he expected Joe to say "Guys just let him stay. Despite this man's hickish disrespect towards your club, he does think I'm funny. His enjoyment cancels out his boorishness."

Fortunately, no comedians sweared in front of this guy.

That night, a party of 100 people from a mortgage company sat in the audience. For the most part, they were a complete delight, very well behaved. However, one lady from that party - let's call her Belinda- had way too much holiday cheer. When feet-on-stage guy got kicked out, 40-plus-year-old drunky Belinda asked "Can we come up there?" Joe welcomed them to the front row "Sure! Come on down!" Belinda then proceeded to get on stage with Joe. Joe then lamented "This was a mistake. This was a bad idea."

Belinda showed Joe that she had a talent. She started tap dancing. "Wooo! Hey I'm missing my friend Julie." Joe said "I think you're missing more than your friend Julie." Then he called back to one of his earlier jokes, "And I thought the South was scary."

Belinda started yapping as she left the stage. Joe replied "Keep talking and I'll get you kicked out too. I have more power than you'll ever know." The crowd was dying. Joe was killing. "I think it's this row of chairs. Anyone who sits here, their IQ drops 20 points." Huge laughter.

Here's something fun: Belinda did all that infront of her co-workers. The next day, she got to go back to work with all those people. Good job Belinda! It's a good thing we didn't do any dirty jokes in front of her!

THE GREEN ROOM INTRUDER
Towards the end of Joe's set, I went back into the green room. I watched his set on the TV back there. Belinda came into the green room.

Belinda: "Is this the bathroom?"
Me: "No. It is not."

Typically, comedy club patrons are not allowed in the green room. It's an "employees only" kind of thing. Unless you are on the show, or one of the club's regular comedians, or comedy club staff, you should not go in there. The green room is the closest thing to special treatment a comedian gets. It's our hallowed ground. Sure, some "green rooms" are just the comedy club's storage closet with enough space displaced for a 1980s Goodwill couch, but still, it's our storage closet. It's our haven for before, during, and after the show. Boozy milf tramps are not welcome- unless they provide a service the comedian(s) have requested. Kidding. Gross. Nevertheless, Belinda did not know her place. Belinda: "Hey, were you onstage earlier?"

Me: "Yes, I was."
Belinda: "Where's Debbie?"
Me: "I don't know."
Belinda: "I was the one who was tap dancing."

Then she pulled me into the green room's bathroom. Uh oh.

Belinda: "I want to show you something."
Me: "Uh oh."

I had encountered this kind of self-respect-less exhibitionist drunk before. See, when I was 17 or so, my buddy Dennis and I were wearing scary, Friday the 13th Jason masks while we drove through the Taco Bell drive-through. We've all been there. Suddenly, this lady and this dude drove up next to us and popped out the top of their sunroof. The lady had gigantic teats.

The teat lady from 1995: "Ooh! Scary masks! You want to see something really scary?"
Dennis and Me: "Sure." Then 1990s drive-through-teat-lady flashed us.

Her driver was still standing next to her, sticking out of the sunroof, grinning like a boozy dufus. We were not scared. I do remember later thinking I should have said "That wasn't scary. Show us something that will terrify us!" Let's return back to December, 2010. A drunky Belinda lady offered her talent services to me in the green room bathroom. Belinda: "I want to show you something." Belinda started pulling at her shirt.

Me: "Uh oh." Then, defying my expectations, she starts tapdancing again.
Me: "Phew!" Belinda left the room- and came back 2 minutes later with Debbie. Great. The more the scarier.
Tapdancer Belinda: "This is my friend. I love her. We're not going to make out."
Me (in my head): "Congratulations."
Belinda: "She was born in 1971. You're really happy when you find out why you're alive."
Me: "???"

Belinda and Debbie leave. Joe finishes his set. We're hanging out. Belinda and Debbie come back in. Great. Belinda starts blabbing about who knows what. She is wobbling/ standing and blurts out "For the longest time, I thought I was 18. Now I'm 40." Joe and I are doing our best not to slam her. Joe goes into the bathroom and hides until she leaves. He comes back out and says what he wanted to say as if she was still in the room "You're not 18 anymore." True that. She really did not look 18. Her skin looked like sun-cracked, desert clay.

2 WAYS TO HANDLE A MCDONALD'S PARTY
Here's the thing: corporate parties fracture the audience and that creates a weird challenge. 90% of the people in the showroom are just regular people, there to see a comedy show. They are expecting business as usual. They don't realize that 10% of the crowd is drastically affecting our content. This past Wednesday, December 15th, 2010, I worked with a comedy favorite, Greg Warren. He crushed. Some of the other guys on the show were Chuck Roy, the emcee, me, and Steve Gastineau.

One of the corporate parties in the crowd was McDonald's. They turned out to be a genuinely fun part of the show. I had a McDonald's joke I was planning to do and totally forgot it. Dang it! Before Steve went up there, I told him about the McDonald's party. Steve got up there and explained how a cop busted him for not wearing his seatbelt while he was driving through a McDonald's drive-thru.

Steve: "If you really wanted to save my life, you'd shoot the Big Mac out of my hands." The McDonald's group booed. The rest of the crowd and I were dying. That was hilarious!

Greg took a different approach. He did some jokes to connect with the McDonald's group. First off, he said he heard there a were a bunch of people from McDonald's in the audience. They applauded and cheered loudly. Then he asked one of them what they did there.

Greg: "So what do you do?"
Mouthy McDonald's Lady: "Work at McDonald's" Greg rolled his eyes amicably.
Greg: "Next time I talk to you, make sure you have your headset on." Big laugh from the crowd.

Greg then asked why McDonald's has an obviously white commercial "Everybody in the commercial is like me, or, that guy in the argyle sweater basically, the whitest guy you know" and an obviously black commercial. Greg then starts rapping and beatboxing. I can't remember the words he said, but it was awesome. Greg killed that night.

MY EXPERIENCES ONSTAGE THIS WEEK
Overall, I had a pretty good time. I did a bunch of my clean material. Greg said some nice things to me about my set. On Wednesday, Chuck Roy even gave me his best version of a compliment as I walked off stage.

Chuck: "Keep it going for Jake Sharon! Great set! I am as surprised as you people." Thanks, Chuck. That will warm me through the new year.

Of course, tonight was a little different. I don't have problem doing a clean show. I pretty much do that all the time anyway. However, when someone tells me not to do something, I just start thinking about doing that 1 thing. Just to be on the safe side, I spent at least 30 minutes before each set going over and over my set to make sure I didn't offend anybody.

That's the thing about holiday shows: despite the best intentions, you can accidentally screw up in a big way. A comedy act is like a minefield. You work all year honing your act, adding to the field, making sure you destroy. Then, at the end of the year, the same material that has served you well for the past 11 months, can turn against you! Now you have to walk through your own minefield of jokes, ad-libs, asides. Every potentially offensive line is a mine. You just hope you remember where all of your mines are before you walk all over them.

Tonight, I opened for Greg again at the downtown Comedy Works. I planned on starting my set off with a particularly non-offensive one-liner. Then, out of the azure, I started with something completely different, a bit about fat chicks. Great. December is when all of Colorado's jolly fatties come out of hibernation! Fiddlesticks! Suddenly I got in my head. I spent my whole set fishtailing from one bit to the next. I did my whole set out of order and I had no idea what what would come out of my mouth next. My flow was completely off. This affected my delivery and even my persona.

Some jokes got some okay laughs. Some of my jokes got huge laughs combined with applause. Still other jokes got groans- mainly from this tiny squadron of judgmental people sitting near the front of the showroom. Regardless, I never let them see me sweat.

Me: "Just so you know, a groan is like half a laugh. So, I thank you."

Then, I did what anybody does when they have an off day at work: I blamed it on somebody else. Check this out: I made up a fictitious argument I had with my very loving father. One of my jokes normally gets a pretty big laugh but tonight, a crowd member told me it was cheesy. "Yeah, that was corny. My dad wrote that one. He wanted me to do it. That's part of why we were arguing." Total lie! My dad and I did not have an argument! However, I threw my dad under the bus and got a laugh. What a sell-out move.

After my set, Chuck rewarded me with a sweet outro.

Chuck: "Jake Sharon everybody!" The crowd applauded then Chuck continued with his standard outro for me "At least he tried." Thanks, Chuck!

My childish childhood friend Dennis was really concerned by both the intro and the outro Chuck gave me.

Dennis: "Does Chuck have a problem with you or something?"
Me: "Nope. That's just Chuck. That's what he does."

Anyway, despite the weirdnesses of my set, I still had a pretty good time. Several people came up to me after the show and told me they had fun too.

Then, my friend Dennis drunkly told the bartender they need to work on their mojito recipe. Great. Thanks, Dennis. I don't have a huge following, but I always try to bring people to shows 33% of the people I brought tonight told the bartender how to do his job better. I had to go over to the bartender and sneak an apology for my friend's behavior.

On our way out, Greg gave Dennis a CD and thanked him for serving in the Army overseas. Greg is a really cool guy.

CONCLUSION
Anyway, the season of restrictions is almost over. Yay! I can't wait for January! Also, we Denverites will have a quick reprieve on December 22nd and 26th. Chuck's hosting his annual "Chuck Roy and His Naughty Little Elves" at the Downtown Comedy Works. I am doing the show too and I can't wait! If you are in town, come check out the dirtiest comedy in Denver. Here's a link: http://www.comedyworks.com/comedians/523 .Tell them Jake said he has comps for you and get in free.

Note: I am not necessarily going dirty. I really am not that dirty. However, I do have some super-offensive, non-corporate content I never ever get to do- not even when it isn't the holiday season- and I can't wait to unleash it! It's an X-mas miracle! Thank X! Thank Chuck.

Bye! I'm Jake!

EPILOGUE
Now, Dennis is drunk, on my living room couch. The last 20 minutes of typing this were a real pain in the butt. He keeps distracting me while I try to finish this entry. He keeps asking me questions. "Do you have any juice? Are you glad you are my friend? Do you have any cigarettes?"

I keep saying "Just give me a second. Let me finish this up."

Dennis: "Sorry I am drunk. Am I being too annoying?"

Me (with a slight tone on my voice): "No Dennis. I am just trying to finish this up. Just give me a second."

Dennis: "I just want to try to help people this year. Do you want to help people?"

Me: "Sure Dennis. Let me just finish this up and I'll go around helping people."

Dennis: "Do you have any scotch, whiskey, or cigarettes?"

Me: "No, Dennis."

Dennis: "Do your roommates?"

Me: "Nope. They don't do that. Let me finish typing this."

Dennis: "I'm sorry I am so drunk. Sometimes when I get drink I get really wooo!"

Me: "That's okay Dennis."

Dennis: "I know sometimes in the old days I used to be intentionally annoying for artistic effect but I am not doing that now."

Dennis: "What is your roommate's name?"

Me: "Winthrop." This is another lie. My roommate's name is Curt.

Dennis: "Hey Winthrop! Do you have any scotch or whiskey or cigarrettes?"

Curt: "No."

This continued for awhile. Ever have someone blather on while you are reading? It's realy hard to focus. Now imagine you are trying to write something. Jeez!

Dennis just started calling friends and leaving these super-loud voicemail messages for people. He told a bunch of people that he is drunk so I think I am safe typing it here.

Final thought: Dennis is a good friend of mine. He is one of my oldest friends. We have been friends since 4th grade. I don't know what else I should write here. Um... Oh yeah: Good thing I kept my set clean in front of him. Yeah, that wraps the story up well. Whatever. It's an epilogue, a books version of a DVD's bonus features. If you are still reading this, you have already given me a ton of leeway so don't judge me now!

Bye again! I'm Jake again!

Displaced in the Tri-Cities.

2010-11-27T18:04:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Right now, I am sitting in my hotel room in the Tri-Cities of Washington State. Snow has lightly dusted the cars in the parking lot.

Yesterday, I headlined a show at Jack Didley's. It was lightly attended, 25 people. The people in the Tri-Cities are not used to inclement conditions. They burrow when the weather gets bad.

I am headlining Jack Didley's again tonight, hoping for a bigger turnout. However, it's tough to say what will happen. My friend Susan Jones called me from Spokane. Her show had 15 in attendance. They got a foot of snow last night. She is worried that she won't even be able to drive the 8 miles from her hotel room to her show tonight. She thinks she might be snowed in until Monday. Yikes.

The I-90 drive from Seattle to Kennewick should have been a 225-mile, 3-hour trip. However, I-90 goes through Snoqualmie Pass, right through the middle of Washington's feeble mountain range.
Snoqualmie had 3 inches of snow so all the local drivers freaked out. They are not used to snow so they drive like my grandma, cautiously to the point of dangerously.

In addition to the crap-driver-slowdown, the state enacted their chain laws. If you don't have chains, you don't get to drive on I-90. If a cop catches you without chains, you get a ticket. Great. Because Washington drivers don't know how to drive, not only do I have to drive a screeching 15 miles per hour, I have to buy chains to put on my tires or the cops will pull me over. What a service. They slow me down even more, and then they charge me money. I'm not the one driving like crap! Charge all those other guys! Let me through you apple maggots!

I should just be able to flash my Colorado license. "Hey, I'm not one of your state's idiots. I drive through snow professionally. Let me by." Actually, I should just speed off. Washington cops would never catch me! They don't know how to drive on snow either!

Check this out: you could actually see pavement on I-90. Chains wreck pavement. Laws wreck pavement.

Fortunately, Susan and Larry knew of an alternate route, highway 2. Highway 2 adds 100 miles to the trip, but it's worth it. You have to go 40 miles out of your way to even get to it and then it winds around a bunch through an alternate mountain pass. It is a state highway so you get to stop every time you run into a town. Plus, the speed limit is lower. Lastly, it's an even worse pass than Snoqualmie. There's snow everywhere. This is the highway you take if you want to get to a ski resort.

Despite all these issues, highway 2 was still the better route. Most Washingtonians think highway 2 is closed for the winter so they stick to clogging I-90. Plus, despite the worse driving conditions, the state did not have a chain law on this highway. Weird.

In the end, it took me 5 hours to get from Seattle to Kennewick. If I had taken I-90, it would have saved me 100 miles but it would have taken 7 hours to complete the trip.

Larry and Susan were headed to Spokane. I was headed to Kennewick. I was glad we got to caravan for most of our respective trips. IT was a cool way to say goodbye.

I stayed at their place from October 12th, when I got to Seattle, through November 26th, the morning after Thanksgiving, yesterday. During part of that time, Susan stayed at my place in Denver. She had some gigs in Nebraska and Wyoming. She booked these gigs around her 1st round of the Laughing Skull Competition at the Denver Comedy Works. That's right: there was a week I was at Susan's place and she was simultaneously at mine.

Anyway, the point is, aside from some road work and my stint in the Boston Comedy Festival, I had been at Susan's for almost 6 weeks. Besides my parents, that's the longest anybody has ever hosted me. I got used to being around them, as well as the 3 other people living there. Now, after a great Thanksgiving, I was following Susan and Larry out of town.

We communicated over the phone a couple times as we were driving. They told me when they needed to stop for wiper fluid. Good call. I got some too. We also stopped at a rest area. Later on, I saw Larry waving his phone outside his car window. Oh shoot. He was calling me. I didn't realize it was ringing. As my GPS confirmed, Larry was telling me my exit was coming up soon. We were about to part ways.

Larry pointed out his window. I saw my exit. I sped up and honked. I could see them waving and vice versa. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but it felt like a scene out of a movie. It felt like the end.

Right before leaving town, I found out a couple of things that bummed me out. My roommates are leaving our Denver home and moving back to Albuquerque in January. Too bad. They are really good roommates. I will miss having them around. Plus, I either need to find a roommate, suddenly make a ton more money to pay the rent, or move out.

The second thing I found out is the gig I had scheduled on my way home has been moved to February. I was supposed to be in Evanston, Wyoming next weekend. That would have been really cool. I don't mean to say Wyoming is cool. However, Evanston would have been nice because it routes. My plan was to do the gig I am doing this weekend, visit some friends and family in Idaho and Utah, cross the border into Wyoming, do the gig, and head home. Instead of spreading that all out over a week, I am going to do it all by Tuesday.

On the plus side, I will be home Tuesday. I miss home and I can't wait to do some more shows in Denver. Also, aside from a few hotel beds, I have mainly slept on air mattresses over the past month. I can't wait to be in my bed again! Yes, it is a mattress on the floor, but it's my mattress on the floor!

Well, I hope this entry hasn't been too much of a downer. I am not depressed or anything. However, I feel displaced. I haven't been home in 6 weeks. Just as soon as I got used to living in Pacific time with 6 really cool people, I left. I am heading home, but that home will change when my roommates move out. If I can't find a roommate in time, I might have to move from my home entirely.

I am sitting in my hotel room as I have done all day. I am waiting to go to the comedy club. I look forward to tonight's show. I have a couple new jokes I want to do. Also, I just made a trumpet fart.

Bye! I'm Jake!

I'm a One Eyed Jerk. Thank goodness Owen Straw bailed me out!

2010-11-22T11:32:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Last Tuesday, I had 2 shows. 1st, I went to Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, Washington. Then I went to One Eyed Jack's to host their gong show. Laughs started at 8:30 and went to 10:00. One Eyed Jack's started at 10:00. I needed to check in there at 9:30. That's cutting it pretty tight.

I wasn't worried, though, because I did the same thing 3 weeks prior and it turned out fine. 3 weeks ago, the owner of Laughs, Dave Dennison, helped me make both shows by putting me up 6th. Sweet.

Actually, that night 3 weeks ago was pretty cool. I got to Laughs, had a fun set, then drove to One Eyed Jack's. I made it there in plenty of time and had a really easy show. Basically, only 1 gong show contestant showed up- and no judges showed up. Tom, my contact person at the gig, paid me anyway. "Well you still drove up here." I did a 15-minute set, got some cash, then went back to my host's place in Seattle. Tada! Easy money. The plan was to replicate those results.

LAUGHS
I was really excited to do their open mic because I haven't been able to do much new material since October. All I did for the 1st 3 weeks of November was comedy competitions. I competed in the Seattle Comedy Competition, the Boston Comedy Festival, and the 1st round of the Laughing Skull Competition. 5-minute contest sets don't leave you much room to mess around. Holy crap! I was backed up! I couldn't wait to dump out some new jokes.

I had a blast at Laughs. Dave put me up 10th. That was a bit later than I went on 3 weeks earlier. Instead of getting out of there at 9:10 or so, I was going to get out of there at 9:30- the same time I had to be at One Eyed Jack's. I wasn't too stressed, though. I called One Eyed Jack's and told them I'd get there around 9:45. No problem.

I had a fun set at Laughs. Doing new material feels awesome. It's like having a new girlfriend. You know? You're excited for the few weeks before you notice all their problems. It's great! I cranked out 4 new minutes and a revision to a joke I'd been working on. Ahhh! That felt good.

Also, I saw Nancy Reed and Vince Fluke. Their 1st round of the Seattle Competition was the week after mine. I met Nancy back in Colorado when she and Susan Jones worked Wits End. I had just met Vince but he seemed really cool. He was a Canadian with a slightly British accent. He lived in both places.

I knew that Vince needed a few bucks. He is staying in the Seattle area for an undetermined amount of time and he needs some gigs to make that work. I suggested he come win the cash prize. Also, he could talk to Tom and emcee the following week. Cash twice.

OH CRAP
After my set, we should have bolted out the door. However, it took 10 minutes to say goodbye to everybody. We got on I-405 north to Lynnwood. We were 3 miles from Laughs when I noticed that every time I hit the gas, the car SLOWED DOWN. Uh oh. Usually, it does the opposite. We were right next to an exit. I was going to take it and go to a gas station. Then, right at the last second, I noticed there was no gas station so I stayed on the highway until we rolled to a gentle stop on the side of the road. Crap. It was 9:45.

I was not sure what was wrong with my car. The "I need gas" light normally comes on when I have about 1.5 gallons left. It did not come on at all. I tried a couple times to start the car. Nope. Nothing. Then I noticed my phone was about to die. I thought about calling AAA to give me gas or a tow or something, but I knew they wouldn't get there for an hour. Plus, I knew they would keep me on the phone for 15- minutes while my phone battery died like my car.

Uh oh. What if I ran out of oil? I haven't gotten an oil change in nearly 5000 miles. I panicked for just a second. Then, Vince told me not to panic. Ok. Good idea. I stopped panicking.

I needed to be at One Eyed Jack's in 15 minutes. Actually, I needed to be there 15 minutes earlier at 9:30. The show started in 15 minutes, though, so I should really be there for that. I had to come up with a solution. That was that.

I called Owen Straw, another comedian. At Laughs, he performed 2 sets after me. I asked him to go to the gas station next to the club, borrow their gas can, and put a gallon or 2 in it. Owen was on it. Vince stepped outside the car and had a smoke. I stayed in there and reassured One Eyed Jack's that I would be there by 10:00. I had already called them a couple times that night to tell them I would be there at 9:15, then 9:30, then 9:45. I would end up calling them a couple more times.

It was 10:00. Owen still wasn't there. I decided to call him and just ask if he'd take us to the show. We could worry about the car later. I had to make the gig. He didn't answer. I tried a couple times. I couldn't get a hold of him. He must be at the gas station.

That's when I noticed that my blinkers were slowing down. Huh. Odd.

Just when I was about to call Owen a 4th time, his van pulled up super-fast in front of us. He screeched his tires as he stopped. I think a dust cloud settled around his red tail lights.

He had bought a gas can and 2 gallons. I took the gas from him and ran back to my car. Then I ran back to his van. "Could you stick around a bit just in case?" I was worried my weak-butt battery was dead from the 15-minutes it had to run the blinker. My battery sucks!

I nervously tried to pour the gas out quickly. It wasn't coming out! What the heck! Then, I got it to dribble out. Clearly I was doing something wrong. I had to keep doing it wrong though- because I was in a hurry!

Cool. I got a gallon or so in the car. I tried to start the car. Nothing. CRAP! I did not have jumper cables. I used to have jumper cables, but I gave them to Ben Slie, my roommate back in 2001, when I got rid of my VW and my Taurus. If you don't have a car, you don't need cables.

Crap! I was starting to feel really needy. Fortunately, Owen had cables. We hooked them up and lo and behold... my car started! Yay! We said quick goodbyes and got to the gig at 10:30. If we had called AAA, we'd still be waiting for them to show up.

We were slightly late. I found out later that the reason my "I need gas, Jake" light didn't come on is the fuse that goes to that light had gone out. For the want of a nail.... For the want of a fuse, my gas light went out. For the want of my gas light, my gas ran out. For the want of gas, my car died. Because my car died, my battery died. Because of all of this, I was late for the gig and owed Owen Straw $15. When I run out of gas, I do it big!

Whatever. The only reason this story has a happy ending is because of Owen. I owe you big time, dude! If he didn't show up and bail me out, I would have definitely missed the gig. Plus, now I have a gas can. Anybody have something they want me to torch? Anybody have something they don't want me to torch?

ONE EYED JACK'S
Because I really needed the cash, Tom had given me the emcee spot. Thanks, Tom! The contestants included a karaoke singer, a blues singer with a psychedelic bass guitarist back-up, a Michael Jackson impersonator with one hand, and Vince. Vince ended up winning the 1st place prize money. Yay!

The one-handed Michael Jackson did a really good job, though. Vince said something like "It actually makes sense that he only has 1 glove." Ha. True enough. The real Michael Jackson used to wear just 1 glove. He had 2 hands, though. Not sure why he only had 1 glove. It's not like he couldn't afford the 2nd glove. He had all that Beatles money!

1 of the judges came up to me after the show. She told me she was a hair stylist. I told her I cut my own hair. She said she could tell. She told me to stop doing that. Good idea.

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. Boobs are cool.