jake sharon

I Made a Table

2020-03-23T09:28:00.003-07:00

Hi I'm Jake!

Going stir crazy because of the social distancing. And I needed a table. I could have bought one from IKEA or Target for anywhere from $125 to $10,003! To take my mind off things and to save money, I made a table for about $110.

The homemade table Jake Sharon made. Plus, two IKEA chairs he assembled.

MATERIALS

I went to the hardware store and bought the following materials :

A large piece of wood for $29.45
Four Waddell Pine 28-inch table legs for $11.98 apiece
Waddell 4-Pack metal, table leg, straight, top plates for $10.48
Two cans of Minwax Polycrylic water based polyurethane at $11.97 per spray can
Fine sanding block for about $3

HOW TO MAKE IT

I spent about 20 minutes building the table. Afterwards, I went to the hardware store and bought the water-based polyurethane varnish. I did not record video of the varnishing. That took about 4 hours including all the intermittent drying. So I did not include varnishing in this making-of video. I probably should have though. Below are some directions on how to assemble the table, then directions on how to varnish it.

TOOLS NEEDED FOR ASSEMBLY

Philips/ standard screwdriver. Or powerdrill with Philips driver bit (recommended).
A clean surface on which to put your table top while you assemble your table.

ASSEMBLY DIRECTIONS:

Place your table top on a clean surface, with the side you want to be the underside face up.
Place each of the top plates where you think you want your table legs to go.
Imagine who might sit at your table. Are the top plates far enough apart for their legs to fit between them?
To ensure you have the top plates where you want them, measure their locations from the edge of the table top and see if that matches the other top plates.
Screw in the screws included with the top plates.
Screw the table legs into the top plates.
Flip the table over.

Table leg has a screw on top to screw into the top plates.

VARNISHING

Though not featured in the above video, I recommend varnishing your table to protect it against dings and stains. I used Minwax Polycrylic semi-gloss water-based polyurethane. It is easy to use and easy to clean up. Just in case, I took my table outside to spray it.

Minwax Polycrylic water-based polyurethane

VARNISHING DIRECTIONS:

Do this outside if you can.
Spray about 12 inches from the surface.
Spray in even lines, following the wood grain.
Overlap each line.
Do more than one coat.
Allow about 30-minutes of dry time in between coats.
In between coats, use the sanding block to lightly sand the surface. If the surface looks slightly white, that is all you need to do. You did it.
Wipe any debris from sanding off the table.
Apply a second (or third) coat.
To varnish the underside, I recommend waiting till the top is totally dry and flipping the table over.

IN CONCLUSION

I spent about $110 on this project. So, compared to some of the cheaper tables out there, I didn't save tons and tons of money. However, it felt good to make a unique table, my table, that I will probably keep for years. This table can comfortable seat two to four people.

I'm just trying to make the best of this situation and keep my mind off things. I hope you make something too. If so, please tweet me at @jakeisfantastic and share your projects. And/or, please subscribe to me on Youtube and/or leave comments.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Social Distancing and What I Did With a Sink

2020-03-22T07:11:00.001-07:00

Hi I'm Jake!

This is a tough time for everybody. To keep my mind off things, I've been making a lot of stuff. This is a story about staking something the previous owners of my house should have thrown away and turning it into something good.

SOCIALLY DISTANT

Some of you may know that I'm going through a divorce. Really great time to have social distancing! I can be really introverted but I'm starting to realize I really need to be around people. To keep myself from going completely stir crazy, I've been doing a lot of home-improvement projects.

MATERIALS

The previous owners of my house left a sink in my shed- for free! Rather than haul the sink to the dump and pay to drop it off, I went to the hardware store and bought the following materials :

Two lengths of 2x6x10 pinewood for about $7.75 apiece
One roll of screen mesh for about $10
A box of galvanized deck screws for about $10
Two jalapeño plants at $3.78 apiece
One banana pepper plant for $3.78
One green pepper plant for $3.78

VIDEO

I spent about an hour or so building the box and putting the sink in it. The sun went down. The next day, I finished the job. I'm sure you have already figured out what I made. But, in case you haven't, I won't write a spoiler. Here is the video.

IN CONCLUSION

I spent about $50 on this project. I already had soil on hand. You can get a bag for $10 or so. This was my first attempt building one of these. I plan on making several more (without sinks). This is a good time to work towards self-sustainability. Plus, it felt good to make something I have wanted to make for years.

I'm just trying to make the best of this situation and keep my mind off things. I hope you make stuff too. If so, please tweet me at @jakeisfantastic and share your projects. And/or, please subscribe to me on Youtube and/or leave comments.

Bye! I'm Jake!

102319 Insomnia Poems

2019-10-23T01:42:00.002-07:00

102319 Insomnia Poems

Hi! I’m Jake!
I have a lot on my mind. So I can’t sleep. Below, are some haikus I wrote about tonight’s insomnia
Bye! I’m Awake!

4:30 A.M.

four thirty a m
cannot sleep to save my life
heart beating so fast

To do lists

groceries we need
chores, projects, paintings, and goals
tedium piles up

Jojo Pipe Down

dogs sleeping in bed
any movement, Jojo growls
Jojo, no grumbling!

072219 Lucy and Belle (painting and video)

2019-08-22T07:34:00.002-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I made a painting of my parents' dogs. One is a German Wirehair. The other is a Bassett Hound. The Bassett Hound has sloppy poops.

I worked on this painting for about 6 months. Then I gave it to my parents. You can't have it. But you can admire it here.

TITLE: 072219 Lucy and Belle

MEDIA: acrylic

SUBSTRATE: canvas

SIZE: 12"h 16"w

PRICE: NFS

Here is the making of video:

If you want me to make you a painting of your animals (or whatever), please contact me. We can discuss your painting and pricing, etc.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Yardwork 2: Overgrowth

2019-06-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Good news:
I made a short film about the toils of yardwork. It is really good. The acting alone deserves your undying worship. Also, I made good special effects. And is there a twist ending? Only one way to find out! Just ask me. Or watch the video (below).

Special thanks to Jay Krishna, Callie Sharon, and the City of Simpsonville, South Carolina. I also really like nougat.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Jake Paints 121918 jAKE032-R2-E045

2018-12-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I have had a lot of fun painting this year. I have been focusing more on that. Below is my latest painting, 121918 jAKE032-R2-E045. I had a lot of fun painting it.

TITLE: 121918 jAKE032-R2-E045

MEDIA: acrylic

SUBSTRATE: wood

SIZE: 8"h 6"w

PRICE: $50

This painting is based on a photo Crystal Allen took back in 2004 for me. Back when I did stand-up, Crystal was my sole headshot photographer. She was the best! Crystal has taken over 10000 photos of me. That is not an exaggeration. She currently focuses on photography that empowers women. You can see a very minute fraction of her amazing work at crystalallenphotography.com. Please support her on Patreon. Her site has a link.

I started painting 121918 jAKE032-R2-E045 in October but then was commissioned to do another piece, 120818 Apocowlypse. So, I put this painting on the The Backburner. The Backburner is what I call my secondary easel. Whenever I had to wait on 120818 Apocowlypse to dry a bit, I went over at The Backburner and worked on this painting.

Below is an extremely sped up timelapse of me painting 121918 jAKE032-R2-E045.

I don't know what I will paint next. Or maybe I do. Also, I am working on my online gallery.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Jake Paints 120818 Apocowlypse

2018-12-14T07:29:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I have had a lot of fun painting this year. I have been focusing more on that. Below is my latest painting, 120818 Apocowlypse. I had a lot of fun painting it.

Title: 2018 Apocowlypse

Medium: acrylic

Substrate: canvas

Size: 12" x 16"

Price: SOLD

I painted this painting for a friend. And for cash. Those are two things I like! My wife was secretly hoping my friend didn't want the painting so we could keep it. However, that wasn't the case. My friend loves it!

Below is an extremely sped up timelapse of me painting 120818 Apocowlypse.

The next painting I paint will likely be really silly. Or it may be a real deal portrait. I like to do a silly painting, then a portrait, silly painting, portrait. OR, silly, then silly, then portrait. Or, portrait, then silly, then procrastinate, then silly, then portrait. Alternating helps me work on both my skills and my imagination.

To see more of my art, go to my "gallery." Note: I need a better online gallery. Still working on that. If you know anybody who can help, please hit me up!

Bye! I'm Jake!

How I chose to remove you as a Facebook friend

2018-12-09T19:10:00.000-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I have decided to phase out my Facebook account. I will eventually unfriend every Facebook friend and close my account. You can read about why I am doing that here. This entry is about who I am choosing to delete now and how I am choosing them/ you before other people.

WHY I AM PHASING OUT MY ACCOUNT INSTEAD OF JUST DELETING IT

I didn't want to just delete my Facebook account all of a sudden. Reasons include:

I am too dramatic to just go away quietly. I like to draw things out.
Plus, what if I changed my mind?
Also, I feel like I owe most people an explanation why we aren't online friends anymore. I should especially tell my actual friends.
Lastly, I wanted to give people a way to say one final thing back to me. Perhaps we could exchange contact info or something.

WHO I UNFRIEND

I have a method for deleting facebook friends. Some people are chosen at random. Some people are targeted. Here are the two types of people I unfriend.

PEOPLE I SIMPLY GHOST:

I have a category of people I just unfriend. No message. No explanation. I Facebook graph search you then I unfriend you. I do not plan to we see each other again in real life so it is easy to let you go online. Easy come, easy go.

If you are random person and I am not actual, real life friends with you? Best wishes. Take Care. Con respeto, vete!
If you regularly post intentionally divisive messages, intentionally divisive baby pictures or both? Get. Get outta here, son!
If you're a meanie? Fare thee well. Your presence is not required.
If you're an Elf on the Shelf? Wriggedy wreck yo self, get yoself some welf. Dollars.

ACTUAL FRIENDS:

Some of you have gotten videos. I shot a video that included a personalized message directed specifically to you. I even wrote you a haiku. I edited the video in the Apple Clips app then uploaded it to Youtube as an unlisted video. I sent you a link.

However, I stopped sending videos because it was taking too much time- like 10 minutes or more! So I started writing little personalized Facebook messages and then sending you a link to why I am unfriending you. I can do that super quick- but it still shows I care.

WHO I DON'T UNFRIEND YET

There are a few people I am kind of dragging my feet with unfriending:

I am waiting to delete all my family members. They're family!
People who live in Greenville South Carolina still have a little time left. I am still kind of getting to know people here.
Some super-close friends will get deleted later. I haven't decided if I will make them a video.
People who have just friended me on Facebook. I feel like it might be weird to accept their request and immediately delete them. Actually, never mind: I am going to start doing that. All new people who friend me will immediately get the pink slip.

HOW I CHOOSE WHICH ACTUAL FRIENDS TO UNFRIEND ON ANY GIVEN DAY

I am at the point now where most of my random friends and people I actively don't care about have been unfriended.

So, now, whenever I unfriend somebody, I am spending way too much time thinking about who is next. I start thinking about well, what if this person sees I am still friends with this other person blah blah blah. I am getting too attached. I am getting lost. I am losing conviction. I certainly don't want to start adding people back on Facebook.

No, I need to be methodical like a serial killer or an accountant.

THE DICE METHOD FOR UNFRIENDING FACEBOOK FRIENDS

I thought about getting 26-sided Alphabetic dice. I could use the dice to randomly generate the first letter of the first name and the first letter of the second name. Then I would delete all the people that fit that had those letters in their name. But Alphabet dice cost $17 and they wouldn't arrive for a few days. When it comes to ADHD, waiting for things is a big deterrent.

These Alphabet dice cost $17.
I didn't want to wait for them to arrive.
I can pick letters out of a hat for free,
I will delete you on Facebook really soon.

THE FREE METHOD FOR UNFRIENDING FACEBOOK FRIENDS

Fortunately, when I Googled Random Letter Generator, I found a site that has a random letter generator.

So, every day, I generate the two random letters. Then I unfriend a bunch people whose names start with those letters. Soon, it will be your big day!

CONCLUSION

One day soon, we won't be Facebook friends. Or, maybe it is already too late.

As of this message, I am down to 1922 friends. Please feel free to unfriend me. If you are my actual friend, please try to hit me up in real life.

Bye! I'm Jake!

jakeisfantastic.com
#facebookfarewells

102618 Photo Purge

2018-10-27T17:35:00.001-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I had over 200 video tapes of footage I shot, just cluttering my home. I digitized all that footage and then set fire to all those tapes.

I also have over 120 gigabytes of photos and videos on his iPhone. I am editing all my footage , uploading it to Youtube, then deleting it from my iPhone and my hard drives. Below is my newest video on my Jake's Purge Youtube channel.

In this video, I purged a ton of photos of me shot at Harvey’s Comedy club in Portland Oregon, back in June, 2011. I have also included bugs, barf, my wife, freckles, some signs, dogs, Trump pooping out his mouth, video of a story about students having sex, dancing, and some skin that is falling off my finger.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Jake Paints Lindsey Ham

2018-10-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I have had a lot of fun painting this year. I have been focusing more on that. Below is my latest painting, Lindsey Ham. I had a lot of fun painting a demonically possessed pig.

TITLE: Lindsey Ham

MEDIA: acrylic

SUBSTRATE: masonite

SIZE: 9"h 11.5"w

PRICE: $250

Sometimes it takes awhile to complete a painting. That is partially because I am not great at time management for my personal life. But also, once I have been working on a painting for awhile, I start tweaking it and tweaking it. I like the little tweaks. You curl into a ball, stanking of failure, shame and utter desolation- until you get a breakthrough. Then it's like popping your neck- and that feels double plus good.

Below is an extremely sped up timelapse of me painting Lindsey Ham.

Jake Paints 090518 Gheee

2018-09-26T04:35:00.002-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I have had a lot of fun painting this year. I have been focusing more on that. Below is my latest painting, 090518 Gheee. I had a lot of fun painting my dog.

TITLE: 090518 Gheee

MEDIA: acrylic

SUBSTRATE: masonite

SIZE: 23"h 18"w

PRICE: NFS

Sometimes it takes awhile to complete a painting. That is partially because I am not great at time management for my personal life. But also, once I have been working on a painting for awhile, I start tweaking it and tweaking it. Minutiae is not fun for everybody to watch in real time. I like the little tweaks though. You get momentary moments of both exasperation and pride when things come together. Below is an extremely sped up timelapse of me painting 090519 Gheee.

The next painting I paint will likely be really silly. I like to do a silly painting, then a portrait, silly painting, portrait. It helps me both work on my skills and my imagination.

To see more of my art, go to my "gallery." Note: I need a better online gallery. Still working on that. If you know anybody who can help, please hit me up!

Bye! I'm Jake!

Jake Paints 070818 Callie Sharon

2018-07-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

I have had a lot of fun painting this year. I have been focusing more on that. Below is my painting, 070818 Callie Sharon. I had a lot of fun painting it.

TITLE: 070818 Callie Sharon

MEDIA: acrylic

SUBSTRATE: canvas

SIZE: 8"h 10"w

PRICE: NFS

Callie's and my friends, Jason Underwood and Miley White, are also improvisors Alchemy Comedy Theater. They invited us and a bunch of other couples to come over and paint and eat snacks. I used a brush, a butter knife, and toothpicks from the snacks. I don't think I will be invited back. Jason said I use too much paint.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Facebook Farewells

2018-04-16T05:42:00.002-07:00

Hi. I’m Jake.

If you are reading this message, then I most likely Facebook messaged you to let you know we will no longer be Facebook friends.

I want you to know, though, it has little or nothing to do with you. It’s not you. It’s not me. It’s Facebook.

WHY I AM DELETING MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT

Reasons include:

Too much arguing.
I never check Facebook.
The Cambridge Analytica thing.
Even more data breaches.
Facebook covering up their data breaches.
The ads that somehow know what my friends and I talked about two seconds ago.
Hate groups love Facebook.
Fake news.
Real news.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like a virgin who gets laid only because of his superwealth. That's classic have/havenot/havesex economics.
I have focus issues.
What if my parents get an account?
Now Facebook is trying to be like Netflix/ Amazon/ Hulu/ Youtube Red. Sorry, Facebook, but we're full up on entertainment options!
Trump.
Facebook was made for college students to rate other students' attractiveness. My wife doesn't want me to rate college students by their attractiveness.
I already have other social media I like better.
And frankly, it's the comment threads. So yeah, you might be partly to blame.

But I'm annoyed, scared, violated, and bored. I’m done with Facebook. I’m done.

Going forward, I plan to use my time for Netflix, riding bikes, eating lots of food, walking dogs, doing improv, painting, whittling at the barn, and hanging out with friends in real life.

12.09.18 UPDATE:

If you are wondering why I picked you specifically to remove you as a facebook friend, it is totally random. Well, it's kind of random. I have a process. You can read about it here.

CONCLUSION:

If we are actual friends, please find a way keep in touch. If not, I’m surprised you read this whole letter. That’s neat.

Bye! I’m Jake!

Facebook not for dogs.
Stick finger in Josie mouth.
Stick with real life friends.

Jake Paints 032018 Josie Dog

2018-03-30T07:11:00.002-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!
I made a painting of my dog, Josie!

032018 JOSIE DOG

TITLE: 032018 Josie Dog

MEDIA: acrylic

SUBSTRATE: masonite

SIZE: 16"h 12"w

PRICE: NFS

BELOW IS A SUPER SPED UP VIDEO OF ME PAINTING!

I have been painting.
Friends, here is a video.
Josie dog. In paint.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Pig Pics Celebration 5!

2017-09-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Here is a collection of birthday pig pics. Lately I have been sending postcards. That way the postal workers can see the drawings too.

WARNING!

Pig Pics are crude. If you keep reading this blog entry, you will see crudely drawn animals doing crudely inappropriate things. Instead of reading this entry and viewing this garbage, go do something else.

If you disregard this warning, and then get mad at these pictures, then that is because you don't know how warnings work. Warnings mean stay away!

Enough oinking. Enjoy the following Pig Pics.
🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

Sometimes people get #pigpics to celebrate their weddings. Sometimes they get #pigpics to celebrate getting a bunch of free stuff from their Aunt Bunt's last will and testament. Most of the Pig Pics featured in this entry are celebrating people's birthdays.

🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

Brad wanted a pigpic with cats.

NAME:

Brad Kanouff

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"Let's go with something about cats, guitars and a birthday cake"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:

No response given. Not even a thank you. Perhaps when you give people exactly what they ask for, they realize what they want actually kind of sucks.

Courtney wanted a horny horse.

NAME:

Courtney Cummins

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"I love the unicorn one!"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
"I love my bird!!! Thank you so much!!!"

Ryan wanted an old hope.
NAME:
Ryan Cortez

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"Can I get a pig directing the original Star Wars?"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
No response given. Not even a thank you. Perhaps the postal worker discarded it or kept it.

Wendy also wanted space battles.

NAME:
Wendy Maybury

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"STAR WARS PIG PIC!!"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
No response given. Not even a thank you. Perhaps the postal worker was having a fight with their spouse that day so they just burnt all the mail and it never made it to Wendy Maybury. I hope you feel better, mystery spouse-fighting postal worker!

Olivia wanted a pigs with hats.

NAME:
Olivia West

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"Pigs wearing various hats!!!"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
"Jake Sharon thanks for the most magical work of art!! 🐷"

Neeraj was DTF (down to fun).

NAME:
Neeraj Srinivasan

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"Surprise me. There are no wrong answers ha and thanks man!"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
No response given. Not even a thank you. Perhaps the postal worker invaded Neeraj's home and is currently sitting on Neeraj. That would prevent Neeraj from responding to his postcard. Ha! And dial 911, man!

Tam wanted super justice.

NAME:
Tam Frager

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"How about a superhero pig pic causing mayhem for insurance folks. :)"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
No response given. Not even a thank you. Perhaps the postal worker and Tam are on a date. Not a good time to write a thank you message.

Jennifer asked for our country’s leadership.

NAME:
Jennifer Liester

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"Thanks! Something presidential?"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
No response given. Not even a thank you. Perhaps the current President heard about Jennifer's request for leadership so he deported her.

Patrick wanted some music.

NAME:
Patrick O'Donnell

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"I want a pic of a pig playing an electric guitar badly."

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
"Thanks for the original artwork, Jake Sharon! Keep it weird, my man. #pigpics"

Patrick wanted big love.

NAME:
Patrick Bauer

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"How about 3 little pigs gangbanging the big bad wolf? "

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
"I'm great! Just started smoking again and I'm no longer miserable. Also, got your pigpic! Baby mama is absolutely as good as the gangbang."

Jo wanted a talk show host who has her own magazine and shares my cat's name.

NAME:
Jo Maraschino

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!
THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"Well, since you have a cat named Oprah, how ‘bout a Pig Pic with Oprah Winfrey?"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
No response given. Not even a thank you. Perhaps Oprah distracted Jo with an even better birthday present, like a free copy of Oprah's magazine. I heard Oprah was on the cover of that issue.

Cason trusted my judgment. Not smart.

NAME:
Cason Niles

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"I will gladly accept a pig pic. I don’t know which to choose so I’ll leave that up to your discretion."

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
No response given. Not even a thank you. Perhaps Cason did not actually leave it up to my discretion. Now he is being discrete with his thank yous.

Angie wanted thumbs up bacon!

NAME:
Angie Sardiña-Fernández

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
"Even though I am a vegetarian...THUMBS UP, BACON!!!"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

THEIR RESPONSE:
No response given. Not even a thank you. I misspelled birthday. So, I probably don't deserve a thank you. I did win my 8th grade spelling bee after all. So, I should be able to properly wish Angie a happy birthdad. Like her birth dad, I let her down.

Celene wanted a scan.

NAME:
Celene Diamond

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:
Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:Celene: "HA! Thank you! Super Pig for the win! You can scan and post it here."

Me: "Cool. Where should I mail it?"

Celene: "I don't want it mailed. You can scan it and leave it here! thanks!"

Me: "You are welcome! However, the only way I send #PigPics is via USPS. Or, maybe I will try FedEx sometime. That could be like a premium service. Shipping via USPS is free. But FedEx would cost money. How much would you pay for that?"

Celene: "I am not interested. But hanks for the offer anyway!"

Me: "No problem. I hope you have a great birthday and I hope you can get an address soon. Back in my mid-twenties, I had this dream where I would just travel all the time and not have an address. That way I could save money on rent and utilities. My girlfriend at the time told me that means I would be homeless. So I waited to do that until after we broke up. Then I got married. Wives don't like not having an address. Too much instability I guess. So I guess I can understand how if I was going to send you a birthday present and you don't have an address how that could be a sensitive subject. I hope you have somewhere warm to stay and I wish you the best.

P.S. When you do get an address, let me know and I will FedEx you a Pig Pic free of charge. Don't think of it as a charity Pig Pic. I am just testing out the premium service and rewarding you because you helped inspire the idea."

THEIR RESPONSE:
Suddenly, I couldn't see Celene's Facebook profile anymore. Maybe in addition to not having an address, she doesn't have internet right now. Please pray for Celene- for the win!

Final thoughts:

My wife and I recently got a fire pit. I am excited because I like burning things. She told me I am not allowed to use it to burn things for fun. I also can't burn yard waste. She said I can only burn wood when we have guests. I told her I totally understand where she is coming from. So I asked if it would be ok for me to have a separate hobo trash can fire to assuage all my pyromania needs. She said no. She said if I am going to burn trash, I have to go to the neighbors' house.

Our neighbors burn yard waste. She said it is ok for me to burn stuff there but she simultaneously worries they will burn our house down. That is when I attempted to appeal to her sense of safety: our fire pit is covered. So it would be safer to burn yard waste in that. She reiterated the fire pit is only to be used when we have guests- not for anything fun. Ergo, when we have guests, I will take them to the neighbors to burn stuff. That way we can have fun.

Pig Pics Celebration 4!

2016-10-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hola. ¡Soy Jake!

I like drawing horrible things that pigs, clowns and other animals do and sending them to people on their birthdays. That's the main reason I keep my Facebook account open. That, and to block people. Otherwise, Facebook is just a police database with ads. But, if you are looking at this link, that means either you are celebrating a birthday or some other event, and I posted a link on your Facebook profile. Or, you Googled pig penises and this was at the top of the search and my search engine optimization is doing great! Either way, this whole post is awful. Below is a warning.

WARNING!

Pig Pics are crude. If you keep reading this blog entry, you will see crudely drawn animals doing crudely inappropriate things. Instead of reading this entry and viewing this garbage, go do something else.

If you disregard this warning, and then get mad at these pictures, then that is because you don't know how warnings work. Warnings mean stay away!

Enough oinking. Enjoy the following Pig Pics.
🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

Sometimes people get #pigpics to celebrate their weddings. Sometimes they get #pigpics to celebrate getting a bunch of free stuff from their Aunt Grode's last will and testament. Most of the Pig Pics featured in this entry are celebrating people's birthdays.

🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

Chet got the second draft of his #pigpic. The first draft was horrible.

NAME:

Chet Wild

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

“Anything with Phil Collins."

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Phil Collins #2
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: free

This was the first draft of the Phil Collins Pig Pic.

NAME:
Chet Wild

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:
“Anything with Phil Collins."

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:
I forgot to send it. Then, apparently, I was going to send it to Gene. Not sure what happened to it.

TITLE: Phil Collins
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: I have no idea where it is.

Dave wanted me to get a cease and desist.

NAME:

Dave Justus

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"I’m thinking a ‘Captain America: Civil War’ theme would be pretty keen. I leave it up to you whether you’re #TeamCap, #TeamIronMan, or some other pork-flavored team altogether."

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Capn PigMerca!
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: Freedom

Demian also wanted a superhero. Have you noticed superheroes are popular these days? I sure have!

NAME:

Demian Osadchuk

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"if you could do one that was superhero related, that would be awesome. Especially either with The Punisher or Captain America, since those are my favorites."

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Superhero
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: Great responsibility

ADDITIONAL GIFTS SENT:

TITLE: Letter to Demian
MEDIUM: Ink on Random Garbage
PRICE: You have to throw this out instead of me.

TITLE: Comedian Virginia Jones's business card
MEDIUM: Ink on Cardstock
PRICE: Virginia is really funny. Please review her website for tour dates.

Angela Renee also wanted a superhero!

NAME:

Angela Renee Ford

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"You’re awesome… please make me a super hero pig pic??? "

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Super Ding Dong!
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: Splish splash!

Jeremy used his birthday time to think about voting.

NAME:

Voting for Trump

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"Could you do something along the lines of a pig voting?"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Voting for Trump
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: Blowing up the Earth

ADDITIONAL GIFTS SENT:

TITLE: Vanessa Gonzalez's Business Card
MEDIUM: Ink on Cardstock
PRICE: 15¢

Jason has an appetite for shopping!

NAME:

Jason Vines

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"a PigPic of zombie pigs eating people bacon at Highland Mall!"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: ZombiePigPics
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: The cost of doing business.

ADDITIONAL GIFTS SENT:

TITLE: Comedian Mike Wally Walter's business card
MEDIUM: Ink on Cardstock
PRICE: Tickets on sale now!

TITLE: Back side of Mike Wally Walter's business card
MEDIUM: Ink on Cardstock
PRICE: Time

Tessa also wanted a zombie.

NAME:

Tessa Fritzler

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

I can’t remember. But I know I sent them a zombie.

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Zombies Pigs Eating Bacon!
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: Christmas is every day if it is in your hearts.

ADDITIONAL GIFTS SENT:

TITLE: David Tobey, Stand-up comedian's business card
MEDIUM: A picture of a road on Cardstock

THEIR RESPONSE:

"I got my drawing from Jake Sharon today. ;) love it, my kind of dark sense of humor."

Olek got a new lady! Hope that is still going on!

NAME:

Olek Szewczyk (and Rachel)

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

In a relationship/ not lonely!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

Olek's lady, Rachel asked for "a pig pic. Preferably cooking up some bacon, while wearing a dress."

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Thumbs Up Bacon
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: Somebody has to bring home the bacon!

NOTE:

The difference between zombies and cannibals is if a cannibal bites you, you don't suddenly start biting other people- except maybe the cannibal. But that's just because you are trying to get away and they have probably tied you up or something.

An Young is into pigs getting bent.

NAME:

Koalas Poopin Yoga

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"koalas instead of pigs… and have them doing yoga!"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Koalas Poopin Yoga!
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: One piece of mind

ADDITIONAL GIFTS SENT:

TITLE: A scrap of paper
MEDIUM: Marker on a scrap of paper
PRICE: I threw out some trash!

TITLE: Comedian/ Poet/ Model/ Actor/ Public Speaker/ Obgyn Kelechi Jaavaid's business card
MEDIUM: Ink on Cardstock
PRICE: KJay says "Wal-Mark" sometimes.

**Music is art. This pig pic is about music, so at least it's about* art.**

NAME:

Kristin Lepoidevin

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"How about a dubstep pig pic? Skrillex is my favorite"

THE #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Dubstep Pigpics
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: I turned a cloud into a butt! Yes!

ADDITIONAL GIFTS SENT:

TITLE: A note scribbled on the back of comedian Myke Herlihy's business card.
MEDIUM: Ink on Cardstock
PRICE: Please check out Myke's website. He's amazing. So are his fire wallets.

Charlie says I'm in charge. Also, I forgot to send him one in 2014, so I sent him two.

NAME:

Charles Parrott

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"I want you to pick the pig"

THE FIRST #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Pig Boy Pig
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: 2 for the price of 1!

THE SECOND #PIGPIC I SENT:

TITLE: Kitty Basket 1
MEDIUM: Marker on Legal Pad
PRICE: You can't unsee this.

Not everybody is a fan of Pig Pics.

NAME:

Bryan Gutmann

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"Oh wow! Thanks but absolutely no thanks!"

MY RESPONSE:

"Good Call"

NAME:

Nick Turner

WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING:

Birthday!

THE #PIGPIC THEY ASKED FOR:

"Blocked"

MY RESPONSE:

"Cool! I can make that for you! What is your address?"

NAME:

Cap City Comedy Club Twitter account.

WHAT THEY ASKED FOR:

MY RESPONSE:

I quit using their return address.

In closing:

Just in case anybody's pig pics get returned due to postal errors, please let me know if I can use your personal address as my return address.

Gracias!

Adios! ¡Soy Jake!

*Not all music is art

Under Promise Over Deliver

2016-07-15T07:55:00.002-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

A lot is going on. A truck ran over people in France. Trump hasn't picked his Vice President. Brazil is getting ready to infect everybody with the Zika virus. After all these years, Octomom's cooch finally healed up.

So, today, let's focus on business strategy.

UNDER PROMISE OVER DELIVER

The business world tells us it is better to under promise and over deliver than to over promise and under deliver. This seems like a successful strategy, because you are initially angry at the low expectation, but then real happy because the service you received didn't suck as bad as they said it would. Here are some times this strategy pays off:

When you are at a restaurant and they quote that it will be two hours before you get your table, you are happy when they can seat you in five minutes.
When Google Maps tells you your trip will take two hours, you are happy it only takes five minutes.
When your doctor tells you your wife's childbirth labor will take ten hours, you are happy when it only takes five minutes.

However, the negative side effect of this strategy is your clients or family or whatever now thinks you are bad at estimating time. Or worse yet, they think that you lied to them. That's because you did lie to them.

"...under promise and over deliver"
-Thomas J Peters (aka The Business World).

UNDER PROMISE UNDER DELIVER

However, I have my own strategy. Rather than under promise and over deliver, or over promise and under deliver, I take the best from both worlds. I under promise and under deliver. I tell you not to expect too much- and then I do even less than that! By preparing you for mediocrity, you are prepared for when I give you bottom of the barrel. This strategy has several benefits:

I don't feel stressed about letting you down.
Because I am not putting all my time into your stuff, I have more free time for me. That's called time management. Time management is good for business.
You have a great story to tell. "Jake was babysitting my child. He took a nap and lost track of reality. But good news: the police found my child walking around downtown." Everybody likes a good story.

"...under promise and under deliver"
-Jake A Sharon, Greenville, SC smarty pants.

VISUALIZE WHAT YOU CAN DO

The first step to under promise is to really visualize what you can deliver. You have to imagine all the possible variables that could affect your ability to do a "good enough" job.

Imagine precisely how good of a job you are able to do for your client or friend or whatever if you put every last ounce of your will power and skills into the task. That is your potential for success.
Then think about what is going to happen when your friend unexpectedly invites you to see the new Captain America movie. That's called the unknown. The unknown is probably going to take priority over doing a good job.
Then think about how much effort completing that task is going to take versus how money you will get. That's called the effort versus motivation ratio. Doing a favor for a friend, family member, or church is called volunteering. Tell them they get what they pay for. However, if money is involved, ask for even more money. When they tell you that they can't give you more money, tell them how poor their service is going to be. Low money means your motivation is going to be real low.

Graph

Based on these three factors, potential for success, the unknown, and the effort versus motivation ratio, you can visualize how good of a job you can do. Then you can set the expectations as low as you need to. Tell your client, friend, or family member "I'll try a little, but I have stuff to do. I am re-watching Dexter on Netflix. Sorry this isn't going to turn out well." Below are a few more phrases you can use to under promise. Sorry I didn't have time to make more. I really am re-watching Dexter on Netflix. I have two episodes left before going to work today.

PHRASES YOU CAN USE TO UNDER PROMISE

"I'll try a little, but I have stuff to do. I am re-watching Dexter on Netflix. Sorry this isn't going to turn out well."
"If I have time, I will let the dog out to pee. If not, I gave her some paper towels to clean up her crate. I told her not to eat the paper towels."
"I'm really sad because my dreams in life all fell apart. But I'll try to give you an ok back rub."
"I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

SUMMARY

I really have to let the dog out. Josie is about to piss her pants. Then I have to watch Dexter and go to work. Overall, though, just don't promise too much and you'll probably get by.

5 Cheap Fathers Day Presents To Honor Your Dad

2016-06-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Father's Day is coming up quick. In fact, it's tomorrow. And you forgot to get him a present! That sucks. He has sacrificed so much for you. For example, you never experienced having to watch your childbirth. Gross! It was just awful. It looked like popping a giant zit- but with more blood and yelling.

Assuming your dad stuck around to raise you, you owe him. So get him a present quick!

Happy Father's Day!
Print out this card and give it to your dad!

If you have five minutes to break away from all your selfish activities, below are 5 Cheap Father's Day Presents to Honor Your Dad:

1. Caltrops

Your dad is old. Chances are by this stage in life he hates at least one person bad enough to ruin their tires. Help him get revenges so he can impress your mom!

Caltrops: the perfect Father's Day present!
Only $7.99 on Amazon!

2. Propane Torch with Push Button Igniter

Dads get all kinds of great Fathers Day presents like ties, and soap on a rope, whistles, and pictures of his dumb grandkids. Get him a blow torch so he can burn all that cheap crap!

Dear dads: it is okay to burn crappy presents- cause you're the dad and you said so. That's why.

Blowtorch: the perfect Father's Day Present!
Only $31.99 at Harbor Freight!

NOTE: For more things your dad can burn, check out How to Build a Hobo Trash Can Fire.

3. Rubie's Costume 2nd Skin Zentai Supersuit Costume

This is a full-body, green suit. Assuming your father can tuck his dad-bod fat flabs into the suit, he can do some green screen magic! Make a Youtube video! Sex stuff with your mom! Impress her friends!

Full-body green suit: the perfect Father's Day present!
Only $19.58 on Amazon! Not bad for sex stuff!

4. Shut Up Bitch. I'm a Unicorn T-shirt

Your dad looks good in blue. This shirt is blue. Enough said.

"Shut Up Bitch, I'm A Unicorn" t-shirt: the perfect Father's Day present!
On Amazon for only $13.99!

NOTE: don't wear this shirt around your mom. She will turn it into rags and use them to wipe up kid or pet vomit.

5. Candy Cigarettes- Box of 24 Packs

Help your dad remember life before diabetes and emphysema- with a healthy combination of candy and cigarettes!

But don't just buy him one pack of candy cigarettes; get him twenty-four packs of candy cigarettes. That's approximately five cartons of candy cigarettes, or enough for every man woman and child at the family reunion. That's what cigarettes and candy do: they bring families together (sometimes to the hospital).

A 24 pack of candy cigarettes: The perfect Father's Day Present!
Only $6.59 at oldtimecandy.com!

Summary:

Cool. I'm assuming by the time you read this entry, you have now purchased the perfect present for your dad. No need to thank me for the gift idea suggestions. The smile on all the faces of all the dads in the world is thanks enough for me.

The one thing that sucks is you are getting your dad a present the day before Father's Day. Unless Amazon is next door to your dad's house, his presents are going to be late. Nice work!

Bye! I'm Jake!

5 Cheap Mother's Day Presents To Honor Your Mom

2016-06-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

IHi! I'm Jake!

What's up, motherlovers? Your mom brought you into this world. She either went through a bunch of pain or got cut open like a horror movie. Or she took the time to kidnap you. Then, she raised you and wiped the snot off your nose last week. So your mom deserves the best Mother's Day present $20 or less can buy.

If you're like me, you put off getting your mom a present and you need some ideas quick! Here are 5 Cheap Mother's Day Presents to Honor Your Mom:

HEART PENDANT

Get your mom a pendant with your picture- because you are vain. Put your naked baby picture on the left side. On the right side, put your adult naked picture. Now your mom can see the fruits of her labor!

THIGH MASTER

Think how much fun your mom will have exercising her thighs. Just picture it. Nice.

COFFEE

Get your mom jacked up so when she talks to you on the phone, the conversation can end in a timely fashion. Less detail, more speed, mom!

MEGAPHONE

For yelling at your dad- or Wal-Mart (which is probably where you got the megaphone). Next time you go to Wal-Mart to complain, buy a megaphone there and mega-complain!

PET URINE DETECTOR

Enough said.

CONCLUSION

You love your mom. She didn't throw you in the trash. Buy her stuff.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Jake Sharon Cuss Meter

2016-02-26T06:57:00.001-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!
Crap. I am about to have an awful consequence for all the times I have cussed.

I am trying not to use swear words. As a stand-up comedian who has also had extensive customer service experience, I have used more swear words than most people. Most customers are good people who know how to politely get what they want. Some people are trash- like Donald Trump, but poor. They make you want to speak only in grunts and profanities. They should be called Cusstomers. Hey-o!

I am trying to improve myself. I am keeping Since August 7, 2016, I have used apps made by IFTTT to keep track of the times I have cussed. Every time the number of times I have cussed reaches the next 100, something bad happens.

NUMEROUS

Using IFTTT's Numerous app, I created a number called Jake Sharon Cuss Meter that shows how many times I have cussed since 8/7/15. Here is a link to the Jake Sharon Cuss Meter.

DO Button

IFTTT's Do Button allows me to tap on a button on either my iPhone or Apple Watch every time I cuss. This updates the Jake Sharon Cuss Meter number in the Numerous app. I cuss. I press a button. The number goes up.

IF

Lastly, I use IFTTT's IF app to make consequences. every time the Jake Sharon Cuss Meter hits 100 curses, the IF app posts an update to my facebook. On October 24, 2015, the Jake Sharon Cuss Meter reached 100. So the IF app automatically posted the following status update:

The link in the status update re-directed to my generic apology that I keep on my website for when I do uncool things. It was a silly way to apologize. Then one of my friends commented with a picture of pig balls.

THE PROBLEM

The problem is the Jake Sharon cuss meter is about to hit 200 cusses. The Jake Sharon Cuss Meter is at 196 cusses. This time, my facebook update is not going to be a cute picture of Oprah at my house. IF the cuss meter hits 200, it is going to be embarrassing for me. It is going to suck. So I have been really careful not to cuss on stage, cuss in traffic, or cuss with my wife. Please. do not make me cuss four more times. Because I will regret it.

To keep up to date with the Jake Sharon Cuss Meter,click here.
You can also follow this number on the Numerous App.

Thank you

Jake Sharon

5 Steps to Smell Better in the New Year

2015-12-31T09:41:00.003-08:00

Greenville comedian Jake Sharon
Greenville cat Oprah Sharon

Hi! I'm Jake!

Happy New Year, adults, children, and equestrians! Happy New Year, humans, aliens, zoo animals and office supply store employees!

Every year, we set resolutions on how we will better our lives. This next year, let's endeavour to better the lives of the people around us.

Below are five steps to smell better in the new year:

1. BATHE.

A good rule of thumb is to bathe as frequently as you charge your phone. If you charge your phone every other day, bathe every other day. If you charge your phone daily, bathe daily. If you don't have a phone, don't worry about it. Please stay at home, away from people who bathe and use phones.

Institution Theater's Tom Booker
taking a bath.

2. DO NOT WEAR PATCHOULI AROUND MY WIFE.

"Patchouli is not a substitute for good hygiene"
-Greenville comedian Jake Sharon's wife.

I really like patchouli. It is a pleasant scent that makes me feel serene. I feel like reading a good book or hugging a stranger. I smell my finger and think about Lao Tzu's wisdom.

However, my wife hates patchouli. She says most people who wear patchouli are trying to cover up their foul body odor. The mixture of panhandler body grime stench and the sweet scent of patchouli is not pleasant. The stench overpowers the scent. It's like febreezing a county fair outhouse. It's like the old lady in the elevator who uses too much perfume. It smells like blue hair dye and rubbing alcohol. you can taste it.

Patchouli, febreeze and old lady perfume are not substitutes for good hygiene. The stench always wins. My wife smells the stench, thinks it is patchouli, so I don't get to wear patchouli. You're ruining it for me. Get a job.

3. AVOID SPILLING LIQUIDS ON YOUR CLOTHES.

First off, a lot of stains smell bad. So if you spill on your clothes, your clothes will smell bad.

Secondly, even if your stain doesn't stink, people may perceive that it does stink. If people walk by a bad smell then see stains on your pants, they are going to blame you.

As a corollary, next time you flatulate super bad, stand near someone with a stain on their pants. Everyone will blame them. I totally did that to my friend Chuck one time. I was the stinky one, not him. But he had a stain, so it worked out.

"One way to smell better is to
avoid spilling liquids on your clothes."
-Greenville comedian Jake Sharon

4. WATCH WHAT YOU EAT.

Your body secretes liquid from your pores. You can choose if that is going to be a healthy sweet top-of-a-baby's-head smell or an aqueous funk. If you eat grains, fruit, honey, and cucumber water, your skin is going to remind people of the Elysian Fields. Your scent will make people remember the best parts of their childhood. People will imagine fresh baked gingersnaps on a frosty Christmas morning. Your scent will make people cry in a good way.

If you digest a bunch of cheese, candy, garlic, pork rinds, carp, and coffee all day, your skin is going to sweat out a rancid gelatinous byproduct that could lubricate a squeaky door hinge. Your stench will remind people of the bad parts of their childhood. Dumpsters. Spoiled meat. That time the crowded movie theater didn't have air conditioning on a hot summer day and then a baby crapped his diaper. I hated that day. I nearly quit my job. Eat better so I don't have to think about that.

"If you eat stankin foods, don't fish for a compliment."
Greenville comedian, Jake Sharon

Eat a balanced diet or you will smell awful. During your lunch break, you'll have to birdbath your armpits in the restroom sink. Then your boss will catch you in the act and pass you up on that promotion you wanted. Your disappointed spouse will leave you. Is that what you want?

NOTE: Your diet can also make your skin a natural defense. For example, ingesting large quantities of garlic is a natural way to repel mosquitos. You'll stink real bad, but at least you won't be covered in itchy bumps like your mom.

5. DON'T BE DONALD TRUMP.

Donald Trump stinks. Don't be him.

America's next impeached president, Donald Trump.
Seriously. What a stinky butthole!

CONCLUSION:

Have a Happy New Year. Don't stink.
Bye! I'm Jake!

"I farted!"
-Greenville comedian Jake Sharon

The NATO Phonetic Alphabet

2015-11-23T13:31:00.002-08:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Learning is important. If you don't know that, you have a lot to learn.

WHAT IS THE NATO PHONETIC ALPHABET?

life before the NATO Phonetic Alphabet

In the mid 1900s, the U.S. Navy, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), and The Police got together for a big pow wow.

Everybody was complaining that reading their serial numbers off to tech support was just too difficult. Tech support friends would hear a "B" when you meant to say a "V." It was a real pain in the "D."

So, the U.S. Navy, NATO, and The Police created the NATO Phonetic Alphabet. That way instead of saying "C, as in Commie," and "D, as in Deez Nuts," you could say Charlie or Delta. The NATO Phonetic Alphabet is wonderful and helpful and efficient.

TOO HARD.

Unfortunately, all the letters in the NATO Phonetic Alphabet are just too dang hard to remember. So, I made a video to help you remember the NATO Phonetic Alphabet. That video is below.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Dunkin Donuts Surveys 2: Frowns and Lies

2015-09-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

This summer, when my wife and I moved to Greenville, South Carolina, we had five criteria for selecting our new home:

Our home must have a dishwasher.
Our home needs electricity and plumbing.
Our home can't smell bad.
Our home has to be big enough to store all of Oprah's toys.
Most importantly, our home needs to be within walking distance of Dunkin Donuts.

OUR HOME NEEDS TO BE WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE OF DUNKIN DONUTS

Living within walking distance of Dunkin Donuts was Callie's and my most important criterion for selecting our home. That way when we eat donuts all the time, we can walk off all the fat. Plus, if we have too much coffee caffeine in our system, we can yell and kick our daily trash cans, on the way home, outside. Yelling and kicking trash cans is an outside activity. Just ask your mom*.

We were excited about moving next to Dunkin Donuts- until we visited the Dunkin Donuts! Turns out, compared to all the other Dunkin donuts I have been to, the Dunkin Donuts Dunkin Donuts at 1779 Woodruff Road, Greenville, South Carolina, 29607, is sucky. Below, I will tell you why.

But first, below is a nice picture of our cat Oprah. Let's start with something exciting then move to something sucky. That way you can know I felt when I first went to the Dunkin Donuts at 1779 Woodruff Road, Greenville, South Carolina, 29607. I felt excited then sucky.

Oprah yelling about how much she loves Dunkin Donuts (and licking her b-hole).

WHY DUNKIN DONUTS AT 1779 WOODRUFF ROAD, GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA IS SUCKY.

1. Dunkin Donuts at 1779 Woodruff Road, Greenville, South Carolina does not give free refills.

2. The Dunkin Donuts at 1779 Woodruff Road, Greenville, South Carolina employees don't smile.

Dunkin Donuts Guest Dissatisfaction Survey
I'm concerned for Raven.

Raven from Dunkin Donuts, 1779 Woodruff Road, Greenville, South Carolina.
She is smiling.

3. The Dunkin Donuts at 1779 Woodruff Road, Greenville, South Carolin receipts lie about who helped you.

First, Eva handed my drink to Dwayne. Then she got it back and handed it to me.
The receipt says Eva's name was Raven.

Eva helped me, but the Dunkin Donuts receipt says Raven. Why lie?

First you lie to me- then you hit on me? Smooth.

IN CONCLUSION

The Dunkin Donuts Dunkin Donuts at 1779 Woodruff Road, Greenville, South Carolina, 29607 doesn't give free refills. They don't smile. They lie.

However, Tracy was really friendly. I think she may have worked at another Dunkin Donuts.

*Unless your mom is stupid. Then don't ask her anything. You tell her what's what. Also, I know this asterisk is way at the bottom and you probably forgot what it is referring to. Guess you'll just have to go back up to the top- or die trying.

Angry Mom!

Dunkin Donuts Survey 1: Poems

2015-08-31T12:14:00.001-07:00

comedian jake sharon
loves Dunkin Donuts
more than this bunny baby.

Hi! I'm Jake!

Besides being a comedian
I am also a poet.
That's a fact
I bet you didn't know it.

I go to Dunkin Donuts a lot.
I write reviews about the donuts I got.

When I write reviews
Sometimes I make them rhyme.
Below are some reviews.
Please read them, buddy.

COFFEE and DONUTS

by jake sharon

Coffee and Donuts
by Jake Sharon
A Dunkin Donuts Guest Satisfaction Survey that is also a poem.

SLIM

a poem by jake sharon

SLIM
by Jake Sharon
A Dunkin Donuts Guest Satisfaction Survey that is also a poem.

KABLAM

an incoherent customer survey by jake sharon

Kablam!
51 is how many states we'd have in America
if Dunkin Donuts was also a state.
Kablam!

VOICE OF THE MOTHERDUNKIN PEOPLE

a bonus poem by jake sharon

Comedian Jake Sharon takes donut surveys
Therefore, he is the voice of the MotherDunkin People
Female people
Rich people
Old people
Hispanic or Latino
Asian or Pacific Islander
Progress is 80%.

MotherDunk You!

When Comedian Jake Sharon takes a Dunkin Donuts Guest Satisfaction Survey,
Comedian Jake Sharon is everybody.
Kablam!

CONCLUSION

Not all Dunkin Donuts guest satisfaction surveys are helpful. Fortunately, Jake Sharon's poems are.

Bye! I'm Jake!

4 truths from my journal

2015-08-20T04:29:00.002-07:00

Hi! I'm Jake!

Besides blogging, working a day job, and rubbing my wife's feet, sometimes I write journal entries. Nobody wants to read a non-famous person's journal. So, here are four excerpts from my recent journal entries.

Also, I have included pictures that have nothing to do with my journal entries.

Shakespeare in the park.
Comedian Jake Sharon standing in front of the Coriolanus sign
Falls Park, Greenville, South Carolina.

TUESDAY, 08/04/15 7:58A.M. EASTERN STANDARD TIME, GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA

Callie told me after work she was supposed to go to 9 Round, a kickboxing workout gym where you do 30-minute workouts.

I looked weird just hanging out in my jeans, watching as a row of mostly ladies were jumproping and boxing, boobs flopping everywhere.

Eva, Dunkin Donuts cashier
She wants me to call her.
I don't think I will.

WEDNESDAY, 08/05/15 7:52A.M. EASTERN STANDARD TIME, GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA

Callie and I both need to do laundry. However, she does not want me to do her laundry.

Oprah is running around like crazy jumping up the walls then running some more. I think that means she is about to poop.

My hands hurt.

House O'Lantern
Found at a business in West Asheville, North Carolina.
House o'lanterns who cry and laugh simultaneously
are unstable. Watch out.

THURSDAY, 08/13/15 9:42 A.M. EASTERN STANDARD TIME, GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA

I am running late to work because pooping took longer than expected. I should go now, but I wanted to tell you about the poop tardiness.

Oprah, mid-blink.
You know how when you pause the TV
you catch the actors making a dumb expression?
Cats can look stupid too.

THURSDAY, 08/20/15 6:16 A.M. EASTERN STANDARD TIME, GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA

I just fed Oprah a handful of treats because she helped me kill a bug. She found it for me. Then I repeatedly smashed it with a tea candle.

The Greenville Sharons had their first minor league date night.
All I'm saying is one thing led to another
and afterwords, there were fireworks.

Bye! I'm Jake!

jake sharon

I Made a Table

MATERIALS

HOW TO MAKE IT

TOOLS NEEDED FOR ASSEMBLY

ASSEMBLY DIRECTIONS:

VARNISHING

VARNISHING DIRECTIONS:

IN CONCLUSION

Social Distancing and What I Did With a Sink

SOCIALLY DISTANT

MATERIALS

VIDEO

IN CONCLUSION

102319 Insomnia Poems

102319 Insomnia Poems

4:30 A.M.

To do lists

Jojo Pipe Down

072219 Lucy and Belle (painting and video)

Yardwork 2: Overgrowth

Jake Paints 121918 jAKE032-R2-E045

Jake Paints 120818 Apocowlypse

How I chose to remove you as a Facebook friend

WHY I AM PHASING OUT MY ACCOUNT INSTEAD OF JUST DELETING IT

WHO I UNFRIEND

PEOPLE I SIMPLY GHOST:

ACTUAL FRIENDS:

WHO I DON'T UNFRIEND YET

HOW I CHOOSE WHICH ACTUAL FRIENDS TO UNFRIEND ON ANY GIVEN DAY

THE DICE METHOD FOR UNFRIENDING FACEBOOK FRIENDS

THE FREE METHOD FOR UNFRIENDING FACEBOOK FRIENDS

CONCLUSION

102618 Photo Purge

Jake Paints Lindsey Ham

Jake Paints 090518 Gheee

Jake Paints 070818 Callie Sharon

Facebook Farewells

WHY I AM DELETING MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT

12.09.18 UPDATE:

CONCLUSION:

Jake Paints 032018 Josie Dog

032018 JOSIE DOG

BELOW IS A SUPER SPED UP VIDEO OF ME PAINTING!

Pig Pics Celebration 5!

WARNING!

Sometimes people get #pigpics to celebrate their weddings. Sometimes they get #pigpics to celebrate getting a bunch of free stuff from their Aunt Bunt's last will and testament. Most of the Pig Pics featured in this entry are celebrating people's birthdays.

Brad wanted a pigpic with cats.

Courtney wanted a horny horse.

Ryan wanted an old hope.

Wendy also wanted space battles.

Olivia wanted a pigs with hats.

Neeraj was DTF (down to fun).

Tam wanted super justice.

Jennifer asked for our country’s leadership.

Patrick wanted some music.

Patrick wanted big love.

Jo wanted a talk show host who has her own magazine and shares my cat's name.

Cason trusted my judgment. Not smart.

Angie wanted thumbs up bacon!

Celene wanted a scan.

Final thoughts:

Pig Pics Celebration 4!

WARNING!

Sometimes people get #pigpics to celebrate their weddings. Sometimes they get #pigpics to celebrate getting a bunch of free stuff from their Aunt Grode's last will and testament. Most of the Pig Pics featured in this entry are celebrating people's birthdays.

🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

Chet got the second draft of his #pigpic. The first draft was horrible.

This was the first draft of the Phil Collins Pig Pic.

Dave wanted me to get a cease and desist.

Demian also wanted a superhero. Have you noticed superheroes are popular these days? I sure have!

Angela Renee also wanted a superhero!

Jeremy used his birthday time to think about voting.

Jason has an appetite for shopping!

Tessa also wanted a zombie.

Olek got a new lady! Hope that is still going on!

NOTE: The difference between zombies and cannibals is if a cannibal bites you, you don't suddenly start biting other people- except maybe the cannibal. But that's just because you are trying to get away and they have probably tied you up or something.

An Young is into pigs getting bent.

Music is art*. This pig pic is about music, so at least it's about art.

Charlie says I'm in charge. Also, I forgot to send him one in 2014, so I sent him two.

Not everybody is a fan of Pig Pics.

NOTE:

The difference between zombies and cannibals is if a cannibal bites you, you don't suddenly start biting other people- except maybe the cannibal. But that's just because you are trying to get away and they have probably tied you up or something.

**Music is art. This pig pic is about music, so at least it's about* art.**