I admit to being a little reserved at times. Blame it on nature or nurture, at this point in my life, I have to take full responsibility. It’s often much easier for me to keep my mouth shut, than to take the risk of saying something before it is very well thought out. But this Valentine’s Day I plan to give my internal editor a bit of a vacation.

How about you? Have you ever found yourself at a party, with something funny to contribute to the conversation, only to have it get stopped by the “consideration police” who have set up an impromptu checkpoint between your brain and tongue? By the time you prove the worth of your joke and get waved on through by the friendly officer, the subject has changed and you’ve missed the last 5 minutes of the conversation.

How about at the office? Have you ever sat around a conference table with your co-workers, knowing that you are expected to make a meaningful contribution, but so locked in thoughts about what to say and when to speak, the meeting ended without the benefit of your brilliance?

What are we afraid of? We might offend someone. We might sound stupid. They may not like us. What do you tell your children when they experience similar concerns with friends? Believe me, I’m not advocating the spilling of ALL the beans. Some things are better left unsaid. But chances are, if you are someone who errs on the side of staying quiet, you are not likely to offend people left and right if you loosen the reins a bit.

So how would it be to trust yourself more on this Valentine’s Day? The gift is to love yourself enough to speak your mind, share your intuition and maybe spill your guts. That sounds even better than chocolate, right?
O.k., it doesn’t sounds better than chocolate – but a close second?

Coach Me Quick Tips for Not Holding Back:
1. Start with humor. The next time you think of something funny.. put it out there. The worst thing that happens is that people don’t laugh. The best thing that happens is that you begin to break down that wall of silence inside you.
2. Tell your good friends that you are working on minimizing the editor in your head. Let them cheer you on as you take more and more chances.
3. Identify someone in your workplace that always seems to know what to say. How can you model this person’s behavior?
4. Remember that you have value to contribute. Don’t hold back!

Does this sound familiar?

In addition to showing up at work, doing a fantastic job, keeping hearth and home moving along with enthusiasm and brilliance (and looking great all the while,) you maintain a second career as social secretary to your children.

This is the reality of many working moms and for the most part, all is well.

We handle it with grace and flexibility.

And then, there are times when our child throws another ball into the collection that we are juggling, and we must say no in order to maintain our sanity and the equilibrium of the family.

For the most part, my “no’s” are met with acceptance.  But there are times when my “no” is met with a litany of complaints, whining, pleas and begging.  You would think that I was denying my little darling food and shelter based on the severity of the emotion employed and guilt attempted.

When this happens, it takes everything I have to remain reasonable.   I manage to say things like “I know it is disappointing honey, but we can’t go,” or, “hmmm, I wonder if we could make a plan to do that at some other time in the future?”

But inside I am thinking “How ungrateful!

Doesn’t he know that I arranged 3 play dates, purchased the Chanukah gift he has been wishing for and signed him up for softball this morning?  How is it possible that he would be so unreasonable now just because I am saying no?”

A profound sense of disappointment comes over me.  I feel unappreciated.  There is a part of me that wants him to know all that I do for him each and every day.  Now who is being unreasonable?

It is in those moments that I realize I am stretching myself too thin.

Everything I do for my children is done because I adore them and I want them to be happy, well taken care of and healthy.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

If my child is upset because I say no, it is not an indictment of my mothering skills.  He is not telling me that he doesn’t appreciate me.  He is simply reacting to his own disappointment in the moment.    If I am taking care of myself, then I can calmly care for him.

Do we expect our children to appreciate what we do for them?

Absolutely! Just as we expect them to appreciate their world, all that they have been given and the opportunities ahead.

And you know what?

They learn the art of appreciation from watching us.  If you are appreciating your world and taking care of yourself, the rest will follow.   Doesn’t that sound reasonable?

I have a child who is going off to college next year.  The first of my three to reach this point in life.  I am mindful of my role as a support system during this time, but also that I have a responsibility to be doling out opportunities for her to self manage and possibly make a few mistakes.  It seems that I am a jumble of emotions.  I am thrilled and excited for her as she embarks on a new chapter in life because I know that she is ready to take on the world.  In fact, I look forward to having a front row seat at the unveiling of her new adventure.

On the other hand, I will miss her terribly.  I love having her in the house, being able to give her a hug as she leaves in the morning, talking to her in the car as I drive her from activity to activity and laughing at her silly faces and intelligent humor.  “Go back to your crib!” I want to exclaim as I look at her towering over me and wearing my shoes.

Wasn’t it just last week that she learned that it wasn’t appropriate to clobber the girl sitting next to her EVEN if she took her toy?  Wasn’t it just a couple of days ago that we made her responsible for doing her own laundry?  Now she is confidently advocating for herself with distracted and overwhelmed teachers at school and making sure she gets to bed on time so she is not too tired in the morning.

I want to ask her; “Who are you and what have you done with my baby?”  But instead I marvel at her talents and gifts and know that somehow she has the tools that she will need to create a great life for herself.

So together, we prepare the “launch” into college.  I am not naïve enough to assume that from this point on, she will be on her own.  I have many friends who are still actively “launching” their college graduate.  However, this is a demarcation in our relationship.  We are in the no man’s land where our rights as parents and her rights as an adult begin to blur.  She still needs and wants us to be a part of important issues in her life, but if she has a soda for breakfast, I’m probably not going to say anything.

Plus, there is a part of me that feels like this is my last chance to jam some final pearls of wisdom into her head.  I feel like the door is closing and I hope we as parents, have given her enough.  At the same time, I know that at age 49, I still call my parents for their pearls of wisdom and I’m not stopping any time soon.

So here it is.  I realize that what we are sharing is a process of moving into a new kind of relationship.  The best way to move forward is to see it as the achievement it is. and celebrate.  Yes, it is sad to let go of the old, but if we do, we have a wonderful opportunity to gain something new.  So I am doing my part and trying not to tear up when she mentions her college application process.  She is doing her part and taking ownership of the next step in her life.   Together we are focusing on the future and looking forward in to the unknown with great hope and confidence that there is something wonderful out there.

Coach Me Quick Tips to Ready, Set, Launch:

1. Allow yourself to feel sad at times.  Underneath that sadness you may discover a wealth of happiness and excitement for your soon-to-launch baby.
2. Remember, that things don’t really change overnight.  It is a process.  You both will have the opportunity to transition to more independence over time.
3. Acknowledge that you have helped her reach this point in life and congratulate yourself for a job well done.

I’ve got a great idea and I think you might like it too.  How about instead of resolutions, we make some wishes this year?  Doesn’t that sound like more fun than resolutions?  Let’s face it, resolutions sound like work.  A good list of resolutions calls for a nose to the grindstone – roll up your shirt sleeves – grin and bear it, attitude.  And frankly, I’m not sure I’m up for it this year.  This year I’m making wishes.

When I think of wishes, I am immediately transported to a world of marshmallow hearts with Tinkerbell as my guide.  I float through space toward my dreams eating chocolate Bonbons and sipping on pink lemonade.  Won’t you join me? Here’s the thing; wishes and resolutions actually have a lot in common.  Both are created out of a vision we have for the future.

On the other hand, a wish  doesn’t call for any action, while a resolution requests that we  do something to make our vision a reality. What if we used both tools combined?  Let’s take the time to make our wishes crystal clear.  So clear that we can see them coming true.  Then we can support those wishes with actions and resolutions.  This way we get the best of both worlds – pink marshmallows and tangible results.  How is that for a one – two punch?  Are you with me?

Now, I want to tell you about the wish I have for you.  My wish is that you get more family time with less stress and more fun.  It is with you in mind that I created a 3 week e-coaching program that will walk you through the steps to create your wishes and the action it will take to bring those wishes to fruition.

For a limited time, I am offering this 3 week coaching program for $24.97 to my clients, CMQ Readers and Executive Moms Group.  To learn more about this special offer please click  http://bit.ly/sCqNul

Coach Me Quick Tips For Making Wishes:

1. Allow yourself to dream.  Make a BIG wish – just like the kind of wish you made when you were a little girl blowing out your birthday candles.
2. Once you identify a wish, take the time to make it clear.  If there is any part of the vision that looks a little fuzzy, take the time to clarify it.
3. Identify one action that you can take this week toward making that wish come true.

Be your own Tinker Bell and be sure to eat some Bon Bons along the way.

Kids are so great at acknowledging themselves for little wins and small successes.  We teach them this at an early age by congratulating them for small steps, first smiles, rolling over and sitting up.  In turn they congratulate themselves early and often:

“I went to the potty by myself!,” “I tied my shoe-laces,” “I cleaned my room without being asked!,” “I’m running for class president,” “I asked someone to the prom,” “I got accepted to college!”  Many of these declarations are met with enthusiasm by us.  But, what is even more important than the feedback they get from us, is the internal acknowledgment they give to themselves.  Like Dora The Explorer, they celebrate; “we did it, we did it!”

And then, sometime between high school and adulthood, something changes.  You don’t hear your colleague say “I managed to make it into the office on time this morning, for the first time in 3 weeks!”   This is because she is more interested in hiding the fact that she has been chronically late, than celebrating the progress she made that morning.  Can you imagine if one of the other pre-school moms jumped up and exclaimed “I did two sit ups and a squat yesterday, for the first time since my 4 year old was born!”  Instead she is feeling ashamed that she is not taking a daily run with her baby in a jogging stroller, just like her neighbor, Pauline perfection over there with three children and a body that won’t quit.  Won’t quit doing exercise, that is.

As adults we have a tendency to focus on two things:

1. Where we think we should be in life.
2. What other people are surmising about why we are, where we are.

What if instead, of focusing on where we think we should be, we celebrated our own progress?  And instead of spending time on what others might be thinking, we put more stock in our own thoughts?  Remember the Michael J. Fox  quote “what others think of me, is none of my business.”

As we head into the new year, I invite you to focus on your personal best and how far you have come.  You are the person who knows what it takes to make progress each day.  Give yourself the acknowledgment you deserve!

For the last two weeks, I have had more space in my schedule and it has been wonderful.  More space means that I have time to think.  Time to do whatever needs to be done in that moment.  Time to see friends that I have been meaning to see for too long.

And where did I find this time you might ask?  The time came from absolute necessity.   Two months ago, when I was helping my three children get settled into their school schedules, traveling with the family to my brother’s wedding, co-chairing the school rummage sale and getting over a whopper of a cold, I looked at my calendar and thought to myself “something has got to give, or I give up!”

I intentionally started to say no to commitments.  I turned down opportunities to “pencil” in lunches, dinners and obligations. I did not volunteer for the Halloween Carnival or the Holiday Boutique even though I love both events.  I knew that I had to give myself space in my schedule or risk the possibility that I might just blast off into my own orbit, fueled by exhaustion and anxiety.

Six weeks later, I am reaping the benefits and boy, am I enjoying the time!  But there is more than just time to celebrate.   Just when I thought the cost of allowing myself more time, was less efficiency, I am finding that some of the larger projects in life are finally getting done!

What I have found hidden within the luxury of time, is creativity.  I am able to think of creative solutions to challenges that I have been tucking into my “maybe later” mental filing cabinet for months now.  Projects that I have been mulling over for a long time, are suddenly getting done because I have the space to come up with creative solutions.

What a bonus!

Last weekend was Thanksgiving and aside from dinner with our family and one plan on Saturday, we had space all weekend. Mental space, physical space and creative space.  On Friday morning I woke up with a simple solution to a problem I had been struggling with for months; how to make my daughter’s room look nicer and be more organized, making it easier for her to function and enjoy being in her own environment.

The idea I had was so simple, inexpensive and achievable, I couldn’t wait to get it done.  Within 8 hours, a trip to IKEA with my devoted Husband and an afternoon of assembling various storage units, my solution was in place.

If I had known it would be that easy, I could have done it last March, but without the space in my head to become aware of a solution, it was not accessible to me.

What might show up in your life if you had more space for it?

Coach Me Quick Tips for Creating Space:

Say no.  Remember that just because it looks like your schedule is open a month from now, does not mean that you should pack it with activities.   Let it be open – believe me, you will never get bored.

Schedule breaks between meetings and conference calls at work.  Let yourself have 10 minutes to think, go to the bathroom, call your spouse or doodle.

Be mindful about your families’ schedule also.  Remember that anything they are involved with will most likely require your attendance as a participant or at a minimum, a driver.  Be a part of picking and choosing the activities that your children participate in.

Choose a couple of volunteer activities at your child’s school.  Try not to sign up to help with everything.  Someone will step in if you are not there.

Plan one day per month that is completely open.  Your family will wake up and do whatever comes to mind.  Enjoy the freedom of a completely free day.

It is at this time of year, that we take time as a culture to give thanks.  We have the opportunity for Thanks Giving.  But in order to accomplish this, we may need to slow down.  WHAT??!  ‘Tis the season of speeding up in order to “get it all done,” isn’t it?  What a conundrum.  Maybe we could just wait until January to slow down and for now, we could stick to our habitual list of gratitude; our habitude?

After all, how will we pick up the turkey and begin to shop for stocking stuffers if we need to stop and listen for what we are grateful for in this moment?  Seriously, couldn’t we just stick with the tried and true habitude list?  After all, it’s a really good list.

We could and we often do, but my inner voice asks me “what do we give up when we delay gratitude?”  Could we miss an authentic experience? After all, If we are not experiencing gratitude, we are missing something wonderful that will shift our perspective of our day to day lives during this very busy time.  More conundrum and I’m still too busy.  But I forge ahead.

So what gratitude will I find if I listen closely?  What is waiting to be revealed under the habitude?  Who is sandwiched in between “my beautiful children” and “my loving husband?”  What will I find underneath “a supportive group of friends ” and tucked inside “my incredible parents and siblings?”  Not to mention the gift of truly experiencing the gratitude I have for my habitude list too.  My gratitude for my husband and children knows no bounds, but when I take the time to truly experience it, my world perspective changes in that simple moment.

So how do we do this?  You and I both know that the “to-do” list isn’t going away.  Is it possible to make gratitude a priority for the next 30 days?  What kind of a gift would that be to you, me and our world?  A friend shared a process with me that I loved because it is practical and it provides the experience of gratitude.  Let me know how it works and if you like it too.

Coach Me Quick to Gratitude:

1. Identify a person or situation in your life that you are challenged by right now.  It could be a relationship with a family member or a difficult situation in your workplace.
2. Each day answer this question:  What is it about this person, relationship or situation that you are grateful for?  You may find it difficult on some days to answer the question.  Keep digging and listening for the answer.  It is there if you give it time.
3. Write one answer per day/page and at the end of the 30 days, notice what has changed.  It could be that the situation is different.  Or, you may find that your experience of that situation is different, due to the perspective shift you create through gratitude.
4. Have fun!

And by the way, I am filled with the experience of being grateful for you – the person who reads my articles and shares your thoughts and comments with me.  It is my connection to you, that inspires me to do the work I do.

Thank you.

Jamee Tenzer

And who do you think I am?  Sitting in the airport this morning waiting to take a trip to see my BFF in Northern California, I realized (for the umpteenth time) that our perception of the people around us is not only skewed, it’s often downright incorrect.   I came to this realization because I noticed a woman with three children, two strollers and enough finger food to feed the population of LAX Terminal 3, sitting across the way.   The look on her face let me know that she was strategizing.  What was the best way to get these three beautiful tots on the plane in an orderly fashion without leaving any of the bags or strollers behind?  Let’s see, if she carries the baby on her hip, and has the oldest push the toddler in the stroller, she can fold stroller number 2, carry that under her arm down to the gate check point, and still balance the diaper bag, her purse and the snack bag without letting go of the steaming cup of coffee that is making this whole thing possible.

At one point she glanced up at me.  There I was sitting comfortably alone, in my “visiting BFF comfort clothes” with MY steaming cup of coffee and a relaxed look on my face.  I don’t know what she thought when she saw me, but she probably didn’t think that I had been in her shoes many times as well.  I too have had babies spit up on me just as I boarded an airplane.  I too have had half chewed cheerios smeared into my hair as I carried my precious cargo down the jetway.  And let’s not forget the flights with babies who can’t stop crying and toddlers who won’t stay in their seats.  I too have had to deal with impatient flight attendants and fellow passengers who don’t understand why it takes a little longer to do EVERYTHING when traveling with children.  But in that moment, as I sat there, I looked like a relaxed woman without a care in the world.

Sitting across the way was a woman who was clearly traveling on business.  Outfitted in a very expensive skirt suit with beautiful high heels, laptop open, fingers clicking and a blackberry at her ear.   I have been in her shoes as well (actually not those shoes, but I’d love to get my hands on a pair.)  I have been on the phone with my boss, finishing up a few last minute emails before jumping on the plane to get to the big meeting where I have to make a great impression.  Has the business woman ever traveled with small children?  Has the mother of 3 ever traded in the pressure of finding the pacifier in time for take-off for the pressure of walking into a business meeting, ready to seal the deal?

The answer is a mystery of course.  However, the more I realize that I have no idea who I am dealing with – the better person I become.  More open, less judgmental and with a deeper appreciation of how incredible women are.

Coach Me Quick Tips for letting go of assumptions:

1. The next time you find yourself in a public space with strangers, take a look around.  Have you been in any of those situations?  Have you been the teenage girl chatting with her friends?  Have you been the young woman on a first date with a cute guy?
2. Notice the impression you may be making with your current clothes, demeanor and attitude.  What are the incorrect assumptions that could be made about you?
3. Make a game out of imagining how we all share experiences.  Find someone who seems very different from you.  Create a scenario in which you actually have a lot in common.

The more we feel connected to each other, the more we are able to give and get support.  That’s who I think you are and who I am striving to be.

People want to chat with me.  They want to call me on the phone and have a chat.  The worst part is, I actually don’t have time for a chat.  No, the WORST part is, how guilty I feel about it.    There are people in my life who would love to call me up and spend 20 to 30 minutes “catching up.”  The chances of finding me available to answer the phone when they call is slim to none.  The likelihood that I would be able to spend the next 20 minutes chatting is akin to the possibility that I will wake up tomorrow with a 24” waist.   And I LOVE these people.  They are friends and family.  I choose to have them in my life.  I don’t want to think about the treatment that could be meted out to an enemy!

Well meaning, loving friends want to play games with me online or on Facebook.  What is my problem?  I don’t have time to play games at all – never mind online games.  I do remember spending many glorious hours playing Tetris at the office back in the day.  But that was before children came into my life.   I barely have time to go on Facebook to “approve” my friend requests when they come in.  Thank goodness people still want to be friends with someone who can’t chat or play Scrabble online!

Oh boy, hate to admit it, but, I can’t really do lunch either.  O.K., there are three friends that I meet for lunch very rarely because we have a lunch tradition with each other.  But, as a regular activity, no.  Lunch is prime work time between dropping off the kids and picking them up again.  I have to pack an 8 hour day into that 5 hours and get some exercise, so lunch is usually out of the question.  Oh my gosh.  I admit to being a complete wet blanket.

Coach Me Quick Tips for Letting go of chat guilt by thinking about what you DO for your friends and family:

1. Maybe you are great in an emergency – happily swooping in to offer a shoulder to cry on or a good stiff drink.
2. You might be great on email or written letters (yes, some people still write lettersJ)
3. How about multi-tasking?  Can you take a walk with a friend to get your exercise and combine that with a heart to heart chat?
4. Are you quick with a smile or a hug?
5. Do you support your friends by “liking” their projects and businesses on Facebook?
6. Do you give wonderful and thoughtful gifts?

Taking a look at the ways you give to your friends and family, will shift your perspective from guilt to acceptance.

Remember that circumstances change.  Once your children grow, or your job changes, so will your time and your interests.  You may never become a chatter – but you will always find a way to let your friends and family know they are loved.

Photo by Qstone. dreamstime.com

How do you motivate yourself to take action? What makes the difference between not doing something and then, in an instant, doing it? What changed in that moment? Maybe something changed in your external world, but more likely, something changed in your internal world.

Like climbing the mountains of Tibet to learn the secret of life from a Buddhist Master, climbing into our heads to figure out the secret to motivation, can be a long journey. Thankfully, the scenery along the way is breathtaking – but I digress.

My clients deal with this daily. Something is not getting done even though my client wants and needs it to be done already. It feels like struggle. It’s hard. It may not be clear how to do it or why. And then, the next time we speak, it got done. I always ask; “what changed? What was the thought or decision that motivated you?” Sometimes this is identifiable and when it is, I say “Write it down. You’ll need that next time.”

I have identified a few things that work for me. I can sometimes motivate myself with a deadline – even a false one. Sometimes, I can motivate myself by promising a reward – like a nice long nap – if I get all my work done. Sometimes I am motivated by making someone else happy or completing a project.

I have a client who is motivated by avoiding guilt. She feels guilty if she doesn’t do what she says she will do. (She’s working on replacing this method with something that feels a little better.) So what are your motivations? What are the incentives? Are there any you could create for yourself right now?

ACTION STEP:

Taking the action is often the easy part – getting started is where we get stuck.  Identify a time that you were able to motivate yourself.  What tool did you use?  Maybe you thought about the outcome or the value you were creating?  Can you recreate that now?