Random Humor Mail

Fwd: Fw: Fwd: FW: Company Christmas party memos It is worth the read.

2012-12-07T03:35:00.001-06:00

"A FAMILY ISN'T ABOUT WHOSE BLOOD YOU HAVE ITS ABOUT WHO YOU CARE ABOUT"

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: Nov 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

Ice cream

2012-11-02T13:43:00.001-05:00

This is for all the grandfathers out there.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food,
and I would even thank you more
if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby,
I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him,
an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said,
"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added

(indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),
"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.
A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment,
and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word,
walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you.
Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

Lots of laughs

2012-05-14T08:35:00.001-05:00

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all
wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke
the hushed silence,
"I think I'd throw up.."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he,
with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of
the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about
the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice,
he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were
scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up
to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's
all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she
asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so
observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).. For
several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to
include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,
"Kelli, why do you always add the part about
all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers
by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food
was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started
eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said
his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do" his
mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house
and she knows how to cook.

THE BIBLE
Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache.
When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints.
Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day
he'll have a stroke and
never wake up. And did you also know that when you are about to forward
this email to others, The devil will discourage you but forward it
anyway.

ID PLEASE....

2011-09-16T12:23:00.001-05:00

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.
As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, and monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must
insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

The Family Farm

2011-08-12T15:17:00.001-05:00

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook."

DEA Surveillance

2011-07-21T14:58:00.001-05:00

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Dear Abby

2011-07-19T15:06:00.001-05:00

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long
record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the
end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am
stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry
about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most
of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to
whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills
even more.

Also, he has
gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with
people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with
Muslims.

Finally, the
last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room
with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed,
Lost in DC
--------------------------------------------------

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.

You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world,
and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk
any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the SOB until 2012!

Signed,
Abby

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

2011-07-15T09:45:00.001-05:00

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related..

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom.. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends..

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

2016 FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT

2011-06-17T11:45:00.001-05:00

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wetzel County WV. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I
assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive."

"Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington ."

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington ; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there."

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2017 , Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad
and Mom.

Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ."

The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football at West Virginia UNIVERSITY."

THINGS YOU DON'T REALLY NEED TO KNOW.

2011-06-17T11:42:00.001-05:00

1.  Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

2.  Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

3. Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

4.  Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

5.  Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

6.  Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy byoffering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

7.  Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stagelighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliantlight. In the theatre, performers on stage 'in the limelight' wereseen by the audience to be the center of attention.

8.  Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' – and is pronounced 'mayday.'

9.  Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes theyattain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

10.  Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it 'love.'

11. Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game 'golf.' So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.'

Pilots and Control Towers

2011-06-14T17:34:00.001-05:00

Tower:

"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:

"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower:

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341:

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower:

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:

"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft:

"I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329:

"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,

"What was your last known position?"
Student:

"When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):

"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):

"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English):

"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower:

"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:

"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:

"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635:

"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:

" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground:

"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:

"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:

"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly) :

"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Chat with grandson

2011-06-14T17:23:00.001-05:00

I was eating lunch with my 10 year old grandson at school when I asked him, "Did you know that President's Day is tomorrow?"

He nodded.

So I asked "Do you know what that means?"

I was waiting for something "profound", since who knows what they teach them these days, as most civics subjects have been deemed "old fashioned", "politically incorrect", and "non-inclusive" in most school districts.

He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I was so proud, I almost snorted out my iced tea!!

Church Bulletin Bloopers

2011-06-13T22:37:00.001-05:00

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Douglas The Sailor

2011-06-02T20:28:00.001-05:00

Douglas The Sailor

DOUGLAS THE SAILOR
Written by: Johnny Blue

I met a Scotsman on a site down in London
We were brick-laying and building a fancy hotel
That summer was warm, we were all working shirtless
Except for old "Douglas the Sailor" himself.

I was green so I asked him to tell.

Chorus: Oh son, you don't know the half of it
Don't know the half of what happens at sea
Listen, I'll tell you a story
It's true and what's more, it's what happened to me.

He undid a few buttons to show me his secret
His broad chest was hairless, but no way was it bare
From sternum to belly and nipple to nipple
He displayed a tattoo that demanded your stare.

He was sixteen and working the Brit Merchant Navy
His third port of call was the docks of Shanghai
Pished drunk and daring, he was determined on getting
A tattoo for Scotland that could knock out an eye.

"And you got it," I had to reply.

Chorus

The Chinese tattoo-ist was glad for the business
With hand signs and gestures, he asked Douglas to choose
A design from his repertoire of art for the body
But Douglas declined all the standard tattoos.

With pride, Douglas described the thistle of Scotland
The Chinese man nodded and shook Douglas' hand
He gave the young man a pencil and paper
Saying, "Draw for me picture from bonnie Scotland."

Chorus

Douglas sketched out a thistle entwined in a banner
Reading "Scotland Forever"
Then passed out from the drink
The tattoo-ist studied the young sailor's artwork
As the Scottish boy slept, he injected the ink.

Douglas woke from his stupor surrounded by shipmates
Their uproarious laughter had the Scotsman perplexed
He soon learned the source of the others' amusement
As he followed the fingers and looked at his chest.

He rushed to the mirror to gaze at his image
He gaped with a mixture of horror and awe
A bright purple banner 'round a golden pineapple
Reading "Scrotrand Forever" was the image he saw.

Chorus x 2

*author note: Lyrics from: http://www.johnnyblue.biz/go/lyrics?id=643397 - I don't normally post Lyrics on here but I just heard this song on the Scottish Highland Online Radio Station ( Highlander Radio @ http://www.live365.com/index.live ) I listen to and got quite the chuckle so had to share... hope you enjoy and maybe even take the opportunity to explore some music you might not have otherwise listened to.

Shooting Advice

2011-05-26T14:48:00.001-05:00

Shooting Advice:

If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it.

Never let someone or thing that threatens you get inside arm's length and never say "I've got a gun". If you feel you need to use deadly force for heaven's sake let the "first sound they hear be the safety clicking off", and they shouldn't have time to hear anything after that if you are doing your job.

'The average response time of a 911 call is over 23 minutes… the response time of a .44 magnum is 1400 feet per second.'

Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is a drill instructor (Thunder Ranch is a firearms training facility in Arizona ). Here are a few of his observations on tactics, firearms, self-defense and life as we know it in the civilized world.

"The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win and cheat if necessary."

"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way.."

"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it's going to be empty."

"If you're not shooting', you should be loading'. If you're not loading', you should be moving', if you're not moving', someone's going to cut your head off and put it on a stick."

"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket.. If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy... and you're going to be one of 'em pretty soon."

"Do something. It may be wrong, but do something."

"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available."

"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for?"

"Don't shoot fast, unless you also shoot good."

"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work, but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language."

"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems.. How long you live depends on how well you do it."

"You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family."

"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us or until someone makes us go away, and either way, it will be exciting."

More Excellent Gun Wisdom…

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

1 Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

8. Beware of the woman who only has one gun, because she probably knows how to use it very well.

'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.

"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not..." - Thomas Jefferson.

If you believe in the 2nd Amendment, please forward.

BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH over LIGHTNING STRIKE!

2011-05-20T18:50:00.001-05:00

Which is correct?

MT. VERNON, TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH over LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground! After the bar burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer," until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

True story. [Allegedly... and I don't feel like verifying because it's funny either way lol -James]

Father Murphy and O'Toole

2011-05-11T16:07:00.000-05:00

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

SAD NEWS

2011-04-01T09:14:00.001-05:00

Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A WEST VIRGINIA GIRL

2011-02-09T22:00:00.001-06:00

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Utah . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It
took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from California. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from West Virginia . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see
a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

A Palindrome of sorts

2011-02-01T20:18:00.001-06:00

A palindrome, as you all know, reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite..

This is only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen...forward and backward.

This is a video that was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old. The contest was titled "u @ 50" by AARP. This video won second place. When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck and broke into spontaneous applause. So simple and yet so brilliant.

Take a minute and watch it. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA )

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

2011-01-30T07:07:00.000-06:00

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

The day of the Priate

2010-08-16T13:24:00.001-05:00

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Clocks

2010-08-16T13:22:00.001-05:00

Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.

Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

The Fix

2010-05-26T00:48:00.001-05:00

The Fix

There recently was an article in the St Petersburg, FL Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 years of age in the U.S. work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes...

Mr.. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, just ignore and delete this.

Thanks.

Truths For the Mature Beings

2010-05-13T06:30:00.001-05:00

Truths For the Mature Beings

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

21. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

22. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

23. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word someone said?

24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

25. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

28. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!