Jamie's Race

REAL LOVE

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sun, 26 Apr 2015 23:22:00 +0000

Jake after his Les Miserables performance

"To love another person is to see the face of God."

-Victor Hugo

I anticipated being a proud mother after watching my son on stage. Nothing could have prepared me for the talent a group of teenagers displayed while bringing to life the story of Les Miserables. The musical has something for everyone...Love, Revolution, Brotherhood, Death, Heartbreak, and did I mention Love.

Is your love offering contingent on a list of conditions that must be met? Do you withhold or refuse to love when the going gets rough? Most importantly, does the love that you share with others bring you closer to God? With one simple verse sung on a stage, I cringed at the way in which I have loved.

I am sorry for every time I made you feel like you weren't enough. I regret the moments that I was trapped in my own pity. I wish I would have hugged more and criticized less. When I felt alone, betrayed, and misunderstood complaints and tears never brought healing. In my own strength, I will continue to practice selfish love that is more concerned with getting than giving.

God has the power to teach me another way. Can I live love stories that will put anything penned by Shakespeare or Nicholas Sparks to shame? Perhaps if I pour out real love over those in my life, then that same gift will be returned. But it matters little what the other person chooses, because my actions can and will provide heavenly glimpses of God's glowing face.

THIS IS THE DAY!

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 15:07:00 +0000

Grief is like a chain bonding me to my past. Hope is the soaring bird that allows my soul to break free. I have spent years bumping between these two companions never fully living in this moment...this day...this reality.

Last week I had my wood floors refinished. The boards were scratched, marred, and warped from 13 years of living. As I entered my "new" home, the beautiful wood created such a warm and inviting space. My Mom helped me with the arduous task of cleaning all the dust and putting every book and picture back in place. We sat on the couch and looked around at our handiwork and she commented on how pleased I should be with the outcome. My response was something like, "Yeah, it is nice, but now I have to get my carpets cleaned." This experience magnified the way in which I have been dealing with life. I am desperately trying to repair yesterday's ugly remnants, and at the same time planning for the next person or thing that will bring beauty to my world.

This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

I find it impossible to rejoice in the day...when I am never actually existing in the 24 hours I have been given. A couple of necessary habits have become part of my routine. It sounds crazy, but I have to teach myself to breathe. I fill my lungs with the air that is around me at the moment and it seems to center me in the now. Next, I mentally create a gratitude list whenever I find my thoughts wandering into dangerous territory. I am so thankful that I am going to see Jake perform in his school musical tonight. My Mom and John will be sitting beside me witnessing my 15 year old son step out in faith. Grant is upstairs listening to music and we are going to spend the rest of the day together running simple errands. I am healthy and healed. I am loved and cherished. God is challenging me to release all that has led me to this place, receive all the blessings that are floating around me, and request nothing that is outside of what He desires to give me.

Close your eyes right now, take a deep breath, and listen. What can you find to rejoice over in this very moment? Allow your lips to curl into a smile and keep it there for the rest of this day.

FOREVER BEAUTY

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Fri, 27 Feb 2015 15:14:00 +0000

The new fallen snow was a glorious view while I read my morning devotional. I had to take a moment and just soak in the majesty. The blazing purity of nature made me want leave the warmth of my couch and run out to make some snow angels. As I placed my coffee cup in the sink, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Who was this hideous creature? Pale skin with just a touch of dark pigmentation spots from the hours spent tanning. Hair matted to my head because I lacked the energy to even use the blow dryer. Pants that hung loosely around my waist, not because I have lost weight, but because they happen to be a pair of maternity sweats I wore 12 years ago. Yikes...someone needs a makeover fast.

When do you feel beautiful? I can assure you that when I am comparing myself to anyone on television or in a magazine, I come up short. I also have a hard time looking at old family pictures. My sister Nicole and I often think we should cut our hair like we wore it in 2000, but then we realize it is because we were 15 years younger that we look so fresh. My foray into online dating has proven to me that 90% of what makes a man respond to your profile is your appearance. Don't get me wrong, physical attraction is important. But if you post a picture that promises more than what you can deliver, don't expect a second date. As I watch the melting snow outside, I am reminded that visual beauty will not last forever...or does it?

In a few short weeks, the new growth of Spring will become evident. Colorful life will literally come forth from the earth. It is at this time of year that I am awakened from the darkness of the winter and am drawn to the exuberance and vitality of this season. Perhaps we should take a lesson from nature and realize that it is our own enthusiasm and energy that truly makes us attractive. Have you ever been with someone that just makes you feel alive? You tend to laugh more in their presence and happiness is a byproduct of your time spent together. Just like the new bud pushing up through the ground, our true beauty comes from deep inside. We sparkle and shine not because of the jewelry that adorns us, but because of the force within us. The latest fashions will some day be out of date, but a dazzling smile and infectious giggle will always be in style. Peace, joy, and gratitude cannot be bought or stored in a bottle.

God reminds me that "though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." I pray that I don't become so preoccupied with how you see me, that I forget to focus on what truly makes me beautiful. We are constantly surrounded by breathtaking views in nature to remind us that His creation is truly beautiful...today, tomorrow, and forever.

STEPPING OUT IN FAITH

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Thu, 26 Feb 2015 21:04:00 +0000

Last Saturday, I stepped out in faith and shared my personal journey with a group of strangers. I certainly prepared for the speech, but since I was communicating my deepest truths there was nothing to memorize. Hiding and hoping that the pain would simply diminish with the passage of time is not working. Another course of action, one in which I bring the wounds that refuse to heal into the light, is my new plan.

As I stood on the stage and felt all eyes on me, my mind wandered to another unforgettable moment. On March 4, 1993, while accepting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award, my Dad exemplified strength through brokenness. It was as if he took his very essence into his hand and offered it to anyone that was willing to listen. As he was helped off the stage, and settled into the seat next to me, he leaned over and whispered, "Did I do okay?" I realized in that moment how frightening it truly is to share yourself with others. How easy it would be for me to now hide behind a carefully planned recounting filled with witty jokes and anecdotes. I could wrap everything up neatly and place a shiny bow on top and leave you feeling all tingly. My Dad is still whispering to me, "Jamie, go deeper. Show them everything. Don't be afraid." And so, I gave that group of 175 women all of me.

I walked off stage and found my best friend Lisa and her daughters waiting to embrace me. Lisa had given me this wonderful opportunity. When I told her that I was going to leave teaching and focus on speaking and writing, she became my first client. My little entourage had many complimentary comments, but I doubted I could trust a single word. Delaney, gathering wisdom from her 16 years of living, said something that made me catch my breath. "Ms. Jamie, remember when your Dad sat down beside you and asked you how he did after his speech? I know what you must have been feeling, because that is how I feel about what you just did." I have known Delaney since she was born, but in that moment she became my guide. I am not sure if I made an impact on any other person in the room, but this beautiful girl will remember my words, and that is more than enough.

Once again by taking a risk, stretching myself beyond comfort, and refusing to let the past dictate my future, I have been blessed. Appreciate the messy life that you have been given, run toward those things that make you feel brave, and surround yourself with people that look you straight in the eyes and pour out their love into every corner of your soul.

My precious Delaney Hope Miller

NEVER LET GO!

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Mon, 26 Jan 2015 12:43:00 +0000

I miss holding hands. The spark that warms you simply by interlacing your fingers with another person. The knowledge that someone is walking beside you, offering support and love as you travel the slippery slopes together.

When I was pregnant I remember seeing swollen bellies everywhere. Now that I am single, it seems as if I catch every Match.com, "He went to Jared", and Sandals resort commercial on television. I often feel like I am in a cruel game of musical men and I have to hurry up and grab one before the song abruptly ends. I have spent the two years since my divorce seriously grieving the loss of the dream that I once held dear, and painfully evaluating what went wrong.

After sharing an eye opening discussion with a wise single friend of mine, I spent some time in prayer. God whispered something to me that calmed my anxious heart. "You're still focused on crumbs, when I desire to give you so much more." Our humanness forces us to find something...anything....anyone that will distract us from the real heart of the matter. There is nothing and no one that can fix or heal our brokenness. So what is a lonely girl to do?

Believe in myself. Trust God. Pray. Pray some more. Study His word. Raise my children. Surround myself with people that I love. Serve others. Exercise self-control. Be Grateful. Use my gifts. Be Patient. Don't Settle. Dream. Be Courageous.

I don't know when, or where, or even if I will meet him, but I do know one thing for sure...once I find that hand to hold...I am never letting go.

THANK YOU STUART SCOTT

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sun, 11 Jan 2015 02:39:00 +0000

Days pass and string together into months and years of living. We are often unable to slow down long enough to savor the good times or heal from the losses. At this very moment, my deepest wish is to stop everything and sit quietly with my powerful emotions. I fear the happenings of the day will slip through my consciousness, and I will forget the miracle...and so I must record a few of my thoughts.

I was honored to be present at the celebration of Stuart Scott's life today. Words are incapable of expressing the pure love that filled the church. Friends had us erupting in laughter as they shared private memories of their beloved Stuart. His siblings taught me the indelible impact parents have on their children and the magical bonds that are created between brothers and sisters. The musical tribute performed by his lovely daughters, Taelor and Sydni, was not of this world. I mourned for these people that would spend the rest of their lives without this dear man, but I could not help but rejoice. None of us are certain of the number of breaths we will be given on this earth, but we can control how we spend that time...and this man did not waste a second.

The powerful message that was shared by the Reverend Dr. David C. Forbes left no doubt why we had gathered together. The biblical truths shared calmed my soul and provided a glimpse into the heart of the Scott family. The Reverend boldly stated that we can choose everlasting life through faith in Jesus Christ, or we could go to hell. There were many shocked faces sitting in the church, but if it would have been appropriate, I would have stood on my chair and applauded. There will be millions of decisions that we are forced to make in our lifetime, but none more essential than this one. My life is complicated and messy, but today I was reminded that I have clearly made my choice.

I want to thrash on the floor kicking and screaming in anger and grief, but I know my Dad and Stuart would expect so much more of me. All that is left for me to do is steal a small piece of their courage, take a deep breath, and soar. I will love and cherish my children, stay dedicated to the fight against cancer, and share my deep faith that guides my every step. My sincere desire is take every gift, talent, and blessing that I have inside of me and spend the rest of my days pouring them out until there is nothing left. Then, I will truly be able to rest in peace.

MY KINGDOM WORK

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sun, 21 Dec 2014 12:53:00 +0000

My friend Lisa recently shared a powerful story with me. While talking to another women from her church about some of the challenges she was facing as a mother, her friend stopped, placed her hands on her, and said, "God has been preparing you all of your life for this exact task. Lisa, this is your KINGDOM WORK." I have been meditating over this message, and new life has been breathed into my dormant dreams.

Genesis 6: 13-16

So God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. So make yourself an ark of cypress wood: make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. Make a roof for it and finish the ark to within 18 inches of the top. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle, and upper decks."

Genesis 6:22

Noah did everything just as God commanded him.

Genesis 18: 10-14

Then the Lord said, "I will surely return to you about his time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son." Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?" Then the Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, "Will I really have a child, now that I am old? Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

Exodus 3:10-12

"So now, go, I am sending you to Pharaoh to being my people the Israelites out of Egypt." But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" And God said, "I will be with be with you..."

I am no biblical scholar, but I know that the bible is filled with individuals that have been called by God to complete Kingdom Work. Ordinary humans that have been asked to accomplish extraordinary tasks. Men and Women that must look past their own shortcomings and focus not on the challenge, but on the Creator.

In my own life, I have allowed fear and doubt to ride shotgun during my journey. I have heard God clearly speak to me about many areas of my life. But unlike Noah, I have NOT done just as God commanded. God has not asked me to free anyone from the oppression of a nation, but when he does call me to tend to my work, I respond just as Moses did...Who am I? There must be some mistake. Doesn't God know I am a scarred cancer survivor, an overwhelmed single mother, an out of shape middle aged nothing? YES, YES HE DOES. The humbling truth is that God has not only equipped me, but HE will also go with me as I obediently follow HIS lead.

As I come to the end of another year, I grow weary of hiding. God has been calling me to make some mighty changes in my life. Our Kingdom Work is never easy and will require sacrifice and absolute faith, but it is why we are here on earth as believers. We are not to conform to the ways of the world and get comfortable and lazy. We are going to be asked to free people from bondage, build arks of safety, and raise children when we are old and tired. As you celebrate the birth of Jesus, and ring in 2015, ask God one mighty question...What is my Kingdom Work? Then, take a deep breath and begin....

HA HA HA HA!

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sun, 30 Nov 2014 04:01:00 +0000

When was the last time you giggled, cracked up, or rolled around on the floor holding your stomach? I don't know about you, but my world has gotten far too serious. Paying bills, exercise, raising kids, work, meeting deadlines, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking...leaves little time for merriment. Not only must we make time for a little levity, but we also must surround ourselves with people that make us smile.

You might think that spending my days with 7th graders would provide me with plenty of opportunity to let loose, but you would be wrong. Kids are way too stressed out. A simple request like, "Write down the quote on the board and reflect on what you think it means," elicits a barrage of inquiries. "Ms. Valvano, what side of the paper should we use? Do we have to write down the author? Are you going to collect this for a grade? How many sentences do we have to write for the reflection?" I wonder if their struggles are mirrored by the adults that fill their lives. Do my own children see me acting silly, or am I just another grumpy person shuffling unhappily through life?

I recently made some new friends at church. After a night of coffee and talk, I awoke the next morning wondering why my seldom used stomach muscles were sore. As the week went on, I found myself chuckling out loud as I remembered our silliness. Each time we gather together, joy seems to follow like an invited guest in our group. We come from all walks of life. We have been beaten up and knocked down. Yet, for me, difficult experiences have made the amusement I have discovered all the more sweeter. I have forgotten to put on my facade of togetherness that usually greets strangers. Gone is the need to impress and the nagging doubt that wonders if I will be liked and accepted. Despite the mean looks at several restaurants and a church service, I will not quiet down.

Treasure the individuals that God has placed in your life, but if you are in rut, maybe it is time to make some new friends. Do something totally out of the box. Have a cupcake fight, watch a stupid movie, or come hang out with me. Instead of counting calories, I am going to start keeping a tally of my squeals of delight. This girl just wants to have fun:)

Just keep smiling!!!

MY FANTASY

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Thu, 16 Oct 2014 01:21:00 +0000

When I was growing up, I created a list of pretend friends that existed only in my world. I won't bore you with the details, but my sister Nicole can confirm that I had quite an imagination. In fact, when my Mom would force us to take naps before my Dad's basketball games, the two of us would cuddle together and I would spin elaborate tales about Ms. Tubalard, Judy Candles, Mikey Miller, EE, Omee, and Baby...(don't ask). At the ripe old age of 42, I believed I had left my make believe days far behind. And yet, sometimes I wonder if I am actually living in reality.

Why do I still believe that a knight is going to ride in on a white horse and save me? How have I managed to perpetuate the idea that I should be Queen of the Castle? At the very least, I should not have to be the person that actually cleans the castle! In my fairy tale, there is no sickness, divorce, or calories. I imagine that love lasts forever, everyone passes their end of grade tests, and children always obey their parents. The world has not been living up to my expectations, and so like a stubborn child I have simply refused to grow up. I moan, groan, eat, drink, pray, complain, cry, and eat more all in an effort to numb my dissatisfaction with the way my story is unfolding. I have two choices...stay hidden deep inside of my fantasies never realizing the woman I should have been...or put on my big girl Spanx and start moving forward.

Starting today, I will find the extraordinary in the ordinary. I will celebrate the beauty in my brokenness. I will not be afraid to face the truth. I will stop making you who I want you to be, and love you for who you are, or choose to walk away leaving room for another. I won't lie, I am a little afraid. What if I can't make it in the real world? The truth is...I can't fail...you can't fail...we have already been saved.

OUCH...THAT HURTS!

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 15:38:00 +0000

A few friends have challenged me to create a gratitude list to post on Facebook. I wholeheartedly agree that we should take the time daily to recognize our blessings. This simple act keeps our eyes fixed on the gifts that often are pushed aside. A book that my friend Christine gave me has inspired me to record 1,000 things in my gratitude journal in the coming year. As I scribble my daily musings, I always walk away with a smile on my face. There has been one item that I have intentionally left off the pages...PAIN.

How do I appreciate cancer, divorce, a broken heart, a crying child, struggling students, depression, and sickness? We cannot live in denial that bad things happen in our lives. Rather than pushing the hurt aside, I have decided to look intently at the lessons I have learned...

Heartache draws me closer to God. I pray harder, trust more, and refuse to give up. I don't just talk the talk, but I walk the walk as a believer. During the darkest hours, Jesus has never left me alone. I can boldly tell you that there is nothing that this world has to offer that will give you freedom from pain. However, I can assure you that your circumstances may NEVER change, but God's grace is sufficient.

Pain has given me wisdom and maturity. I have learned that nothing can replace unconditional love of family and friends. Those individuals that stand with you based on how you look or what you have to offer them are not walking in love. How we treat others when we don't get what we want, is a true indicator of the condition of our soul. Another friend of mine is memorizing 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 with his family. These verses provide a Godly definition of love that challenges me to think twice before I say those three little words "I love you." Am I impatient, boastful, rude, easily angered, vengeful...?" YES! I don't want to cause others pain by pretending to love them when I continue to live a self-centered life that reeks of my desire to get all of my needs met. Pain has enabled me to cut through the BS and stretch myself toward the kind of LOVE that will not be easily destroyed.

This morning I have thousands of items to place on my list of blessings, but I want to wallow in the pain just a minute longer. Not to feel sorry for myself, but to feel the healing power that has rescued me from the pit. My circumstances will not keep me from moving forward, looking up, and loving others. The pain does not stand a chance against the kind of love that surrounds me each and every day.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sat, 23 Aug 2014 12:15:00 +0000

School has been in session for 4 weeks now, and I have had the exhausting honor of getting to know 115 7th graders. Hours have been spent practicing new locker combinations, organizing notebooks, and reviewing material that must be mastered. My class started out reading and writing poetry. One of the boys in my room raised his hand this week and inquired, "Ms. V., why does everything in your class have to be so emotional?" I chuckled and replied, "Because life is emotional!"

One of the reasons I connect deeply with literature, is because of the feelings that are stirred up as I devour the written word. My students have a difficult time expressing themselves partly due to their age and partly because they have become a little robotic. My own son primarily communicates in abbreviated messages filled with acronyms and emoticons. He is most comfortable when the teachers tell him exactly what he needs to do to be successful in class. Down time might entail television or computer games. At 14, he is at the age where he rarely tells me how he feels or what is going on inside his brain.

My days at school and at home are jam packed. I am certain I am not alone in feeling overwhelmed by the hectic pace of living. Our children are hurting, stressed, and struggling to articulate what is going on deep inside. I have pledged to do my part and listen to the young people that have been entrusted to me. I am going to take a deep breath and begin our journey together. At school, I will look up from the computer, the lesson plans, and grade book to see the magic that is waiting to be uncovered in the young minds I meet daily. At home, my boys and I will learn to talk to each other about our days. I want to hear about the adventures Jake is experiencing in High School and the imaginative stories that Grant spins every afternoon.

When was the last time you sat down in a moment of silence and asked yourself, "How do I feel?" Did you take the time to listen to your own voice and respond to the desires of your heart? Start with you, and then go out and touch those you love. Listen to them, ask questions, and show that you want more than the chit chat that has become common. If your children seem distant and hidden behind technology, go for a walk and show them what they have to say is important. It might take time for them to begin to open up to you, but don't give up. The poetry that was written by my students proved to me that our young people have not forgotten how to feel, they just don't know anybody cares. I do...do you?

THE NAKED TRUTH

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Wed, 16 Jul 2014 22:28:00 +0000

A break from school allows me to spend hours watching trash television. I have noticed that adding nudity to almost any situation has become entertaining. I had heard of the Naked and Afraid show where individuals are forced to survive in harsh environments without even clothes on their backs. My 14 year old son assures me that this show is compelling. Buying Naked chronicles the journey of nude home buyers, while the real estate agent endeavors to keep eye contact during the entire process. I admit maybe I would tune in to that show to check out the real estate (if you know what I mean). Dating Naked is a reality show that is about to hit the boob tube...sorry I couldn't resist. Really? As a single person, I must tell you that dating is scary enough without throwing in the whole nudity thing. Where do you even go on a date if you are not wearing any clothes?

The irony of all reality television is that there is actually no element of authenticity. I know I am stating the obvious, but fake is the societal norm. Lush hair extensions cascading down our shoulders, perfect Facebook posts, carefully worded dating site profiles, and selfies from flattering angles are acceptable forms of trickery. What happens when the weave falls out or someone posts a picture that uncovers that we don't have lips that are always in the kissing position? While television is embracing the idea that we should take it all off to expose our bodies, I am dying to witness and connect with the ugly, glorious inside of the human condition.

One aspect of getting older that I fully embrace, is the fact I am too tired to pretend. There comes a time when we need to be emotionally exposed and discover who is left standing with us. I have spent years obsessing over how I appear to the outside world, while at the same time hiding the God given gifts that make me shine. If our paths happen to cross, I want to see the real you. Don't look away. Cry if you are sad. Tell me what is really going on in your life. Take a risk and get naked, and I will do the same. But one thing is certain...I'm keeping my clothes on. You can thank me later:)

HE CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH!

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 02:52:00 +0000

This is the time of year where many parents nervously or happily send their children to summer camp. My son just came back from a week at Camp Kanata. I think that he had a good time, but these days I don't get many details about his life. A good friend of mine received a heartbreaking note from her son that read something like... I hate it here. I am not having any fun and I wish I could come home now. She was devastated to think her child was miserable and that there was nothing that she could do to rescue him from the situation. Even though we prayed daily, I am certain it was a long two weeks until she could see her son.

The words that were written by this camper seemed to stay with me for days. It was as if he had captured the sentiment that I had been afraid to speak out loud to God. As I Christian, I feel guilty sometimes just saying to my Heavenly Father, "I am not having fun right now. I hate what is happening in my life. Could you please save me from this pain?" On a good day, I choose to write in my gratitude journal or read an inspirational book in an effort to find some peace. Other times, I might overeat, cry, or stay in bed with the covers over my head. Have I lost the ability to be brutally honest with God?

I am sure my friend would have liked her son's note to be filled with stories of adventure and good times, but instead she received his plain, heartbreaking reality. She grieved as a loving mother, she prayed, but she did not bring him home. Sometimes when we honestly cry out to Jesus, He keeps us exactly where we are for a reason. He still loves, listens to our prayers, and weeps when we are sad. But, God has our big life picture in full view. Not a single struggle or ounce of pain will be wasted.

The young camper is home safe and sound, and has continued to reflect on the two weeks he was away. Some of the hardships have started to dim and the thought of returning next year is even a possibility. I chuckle as I think of the stress he caused his mother by writing that letter. However, I learned that true growth and healing can only come when we are willing to admit how we feel to ourselves and those that love us. God wants a personal relationship with his children, and I have no doubt that He CAN handle the truth.

READING WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE...SERIOUSLY:)

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sat, 12 Jul 2014 11:55:00 +0000

Ms. Valvano completed the 40 book challenge for the second year in a row...Hold your applause!!! We challenge all of our middle school students to read 40 books over the course of the school year. I decided to give up my romance novels and self-help books and dive into the world of juvenile literature. It has been a blast talking to my students about what they are reading. If you are a parent having a difficult time connecting with your teenager, I STRONGLY suggest reading together. We are not going to learn about the thoughts and feelings of our youngsters by following their facebook or instagram. There are also personal benefits to reading the dystopian novels that are all the craze.

If there is ever a shortage of food and I have to serve as a tribute from my district in a fight to the death...I know how to survive. Perhaps a virus has been released into the world killing everyone, but a few brave individuals must fight the Republic and save the world...no problem for me. Aliens, werewolves, factions, rejects, witches...nothing it outside my realm of expertise. The excitement I have seen in the eyes of my students has reignited my passion for reading. This week, however, I received further confirmation that books do more than entertain...they can and will change our lives.

I recently gave my younger sister LeeAnn a book written by her former Pastor Tim Keller. The book beautifully illustrates the biblical meaning of marriage. Lee and her husband Beau have a 2 year old and a little girl on the way. I know what it is like to be caught up in those sleep deprived, potty training, cheerio eating years. She called me a few nights ago in tears. She started reading the book and wanted me to know it had made her rethink how she had been viewing her marriage. She gushed about wisdom she had gained and how she wanted to share them with her husband. LeeAnn is currently working full time, going to graduate school, raising a toddler, and 7 months pregnant. Tired and overwhelmed don't begin to capture her life, but the words in a book had touched her spirit.

I packed the pool bag and decided I needed something to read. I stumbled upon a book that my friend Lisa had given me for my birthday. As I cracked open, Carry on Warrior, written by Glennon Doyle Melton, I could never have imagined what was about to happen to me. I have been struggling with the desire to write a book for years, and these words rocked my world...

If, anywhere in your soul, you feel the desire to write, please write. Write as a gift to yourself and others. Everyone has a story to tell. Writing is not about creating tidy paragraphs that sound lovely or choosing the "right" words. It's about noticing who you are and noticing life and sharing what you notice. When you write your truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone.

In an instant, sitting by the pool on an average summer day, this author had taken a match to the fire that had been dormant inside of me for years. Because of those words I read, I cannot stop thinking about what I want to write...when I will have time to write...and what I am going to write. She gave me permission to attack my passion without thought to the end result. Writing is a gift I will give myself as I allow the truth to heal my soul.

Whether you are seeking a way to connect with your child, a renewed commitment to your marriage, an escape from reality, or permission to follow your dreams... a book can meet those needs and so much more. Books give you glimpses into lives once lived, adventures yet to come, and personal emotions never spoken. Put down the phone, turn off the television, forget to post what you are doing every second of the day...and lose and find yourself again in the words written by another.

MY STUDENT...MY TEACHER

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Fri, 11 Jul 2014 16:27:00 +0000

Several times a month, I would return to my desk at the end of the day to find a "love" note waiting for me.

You are the best teacher ever!
You're extraordinary...
You inspire me!

These were some of the personal messages that were colorfully captured on a folded white sheet of computer paper. No name was ever written, but the hearts and loopy writing gave me a clue that the student was a girl. My 9th period class was filled with a bunch of rambunctious boys that were bouncing off the walls. Since it was the end of a long day for me, I often felt I did not give this group of 33 my best efforts. Yet, the words of support from a 13 year old, inspired me to keep moving forward.

I believed strongly I knew the girl that was writing me the notes. She was a mature, outspoken, prepared, creative, bright, and unique young woman. I would often catch her eyes during the 9th period chaos, and we would share a knowing smile that seemed to say "what are these crazy kids doing?" Every week I would add the new message to my collection, and the image of her would float through my mind.

On the last day of school after our awards ceremony, I discovered what would be my last letter. I opened and read the beautiful sentiment that captured the innermost feelings of one girl. There was one difference...at the bottom of the page she wrote her name. I still get chills as I think of that moment. I was totally wrong about the identify of the writer. A beautiful young girl with long brown hair, freckles, and a shy smile was my angel. The truth filled me with awe and sadness. I could count on one hand how many times I had spoken to her over the course of the year. Had I ever asked her about the book she was reading? Did I really know anything about her interests outside of school? She hardly ever raised her hand, leading me to believe she did not even enjoy my class. How could I have made such an impact on her?

With tears in my eyes I found her in the midst of the craziness of the last day of school. We hugged and I inadequately tried to explain what her notes had meant to me. I asked her one simple question, "What gave you the idea to leave me those notes?" She simply raised her shoulders and replied, "I don't know. I just wanted to." The bell rang and with it came the end of another school year. She walked out of my life never knowing she had become my teacher.

Every single person walking this earth needs encouragement. Complaints and injustices seem to roll easily out of our mouths, but we forget to speak affirming words of appreciation. Chances are most of us know where we are falling short in a relationship, but I for one need to hear what I am doing right. It took a 13 year old girl to teach me how to love. Her unselfish actions did nothing to benefit her, but placed in me a belief that I was worthy. I challenge you in honor of my beautiful student to leave an unsigned note somewhere today with a simple, uplifting message. Spread the love...and see what happens.

ACCEPTANCE

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sun, 18 May 2014 13:35:00 +0000

Rejection hurts. Through painful life experiences we learn that we are unworthy, inadequate, substandard. There have been moments in my life when individuals have spoken words of shame over me. The negative thoughts we allow to run through our own minds can be more harmful than what others heap upon us. I am not beautiful enough, my cooking stinks, my parenting skills are weak, I lack discipline to get into shape, I have no talent, nobody will ever love me... Is there an off switch to my own defeatist thinking?

My devoted family and friends will support the ugly truth that I tend to not only listen and believe the gloomy recordings in my mind, but I marinate in the very musings that do nothing but bring me down. When I was going through cancer treatment, I can recall my oncologist stating with power in his voice, "you will get to hold your grandchildren in your arms." One would think that statement would provide hope during my struggle, but instead I remembered my father's battle with the very same disease, and felt my doctor was mistaken. For years I faced the challenges of my treatment, without ever tasting the victory. That pattern has been relived again and again as I climb over the obstacles every human faces, but fail to take time to experience the unclaimed joys.

In a few weeks, I will be turning 42! I WANT to celebrate, but fear that I just don't have it in me. Why you ask? I can think of one word that haunts me... ACCEPTANCE. I have been waiting for the world to love me. Counting the minutes until all of MY silly dreams come to fruition. Piling up the hurts and failures until I am gasping for a breath of freedom. Some days the only thing that keeps me moving forward, is the bond I cherish with my two children. Many of you reading this blog might be shaking your head in agreement, but this is where I tend to lose you...when I talk about Jesus. But before you hit delete...give me just a moment.

Here is the cold and nasty truth. The world is not designed to fulfill our needs and desires. We cannot find our worth or acceptance in another human being. We cannot compare our journey with our neighbor or even trust our own thoughts to shape how we feel about ourselves. The God that created EVERYTHING loves ME and YOU. As I read the bible, I have to replace His truth with my lies. I am the one with the problem here because I refuse to ACCEPT and receive the gifts that He has offered. I am beautifully and wonderfully made, I am loved, I am healed, I am forgiven, I am worthy. If you don't see me that way (or if I don't see myself that way) than I am not looking through the eyes of my Creator.

WHERE IS YOUR PARADISE?

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Fri, 11 Apr 2014 14:19:00 +0000

I just arrived home from a glorious vacation. As I sat on the white sand overlooking the crystal blue ocean I uttered, "This is paradise." Paradise is defined as a place or state of bliss, felicity, or delight. Those were the exact feelings that I had as I took in the beauty all around me. There were no chores to do, lessons to teach, bills to pay, meals to prepare, or deadlines to meet. My mind was blank and my breathing was light and easy. I felt closer to God and the unexpected blessings that would come with this much needed rest.

Heaven is a paradise that no human can even visualize. As I walk with Jesus, I strongly believe that He does not want me to wait until I have left this world to feel heavenly blessings. My life is messy, ugly, and broken. As I draw closer to Good Friday, I can grieve the brutality of the crucifixion, but Sunday is coming. The resurrection of Jesus Christ is the miracle that allows every Christian to leave the heaviness of this world behind, and find paradise in each and every moment.

Close your eyes right now and take a deep breath. Imagine your paradise...who is with you? What do you hear, smell, taste, and feel? Leave this world behind, and go to your happy place. That is a tiny sample of what Jesus died to give you...now go bless others.

DANGER AHEAD

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 12:42:00 +0000

One of the best parts of having a break from school, is that I can meet my best friend for walks at 6:30 AM. I love starting my day with some sweat, laughter, and prayer. We are both starting to feel more alive now that the sunshine has arrived.

Icy mornings cancelled more than one day of school this winter. Christine and I would take advantage of my days off from school and try to meet before she had to go to work. The roads were not hazardous on one particular morning, but the shadowy trail that we walked had some icy spots that posed a risk. As we walked our first loop around the track, I slipped on a patch of ice and just caught myself before falling on the hard cement. We continued walking and again I found myself skidding on the exact spot. I chuckled while attempting to explain my carelessness. However, once I went over the sheet of ice a third time, both of us stopped and looked at each other with wide eyes of disbelief.

Someone recently pointed out to me that I am extremely stubborn. Honestly, I have never believed that I embodied this particular trait. I started to examine the way that I make decisions and how I approach change. My stubbornness is not the "I won't give up in the face of adversity" variety. It is more like the "I think I am right" inflexibility that refuses to entertain another perspective. I am drawn to the comfortable path that causes me to slip, fall, and perhaps hurt myself. Just like that cold morning when I continued walking over the same patch of ice, I refuse to admit that the carefully set plan that guides my days might be harmful.

Why would someone keep doing the same thing over and over again if it causes nothing but heartache? I can only answer for myself. I don't want to surrender. I don't want to give up control. I don't want to admit that I don't know what the hell I am doing. I profess to be a Christian, but when it comes right down to it, I don't trust the Creator of everything to take care of me. He might want me to give up some things or people that I want to keep. As I write these words, I am ashamed to admit that my stubbornness has caused pain and suffering. This discovery, although profound, did not cause an instant revision of how I live. I have been forced to minute by minute submit my will and acknowledge that His way is perfect. When fear creeps in, I think of that slippery piece of ice, and purposely walk away from the danger ahead.

WHO ARE YOU FOOLING?

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 12:16:00 +0000

This was the question that stared back at me from the pages of my 5 year journal...Who are you fooling? The book, given to me by my BFF Christine, poses a question a day intended to playfully keep record of our daily emotion and thoughts over time. And yet, this morning I failed to find the humor in this particular inquiry.

I have been wrestling with HONESTY. I want everyone to like me. If I fail to meet your expectations, I have a list of excuses ready to provide that can easily get me out of any jam. Years without change, have forced others to either leave or except me as I am. I am not a bad person...I just don't always tell the truth. However, my falsehoods actually have nothing to do with you. The real fool in my life is....ME. My carefully constructed existence is entirely intended to keep me comfortable, but it does the exact opposite. Thankfully, God continues to convict me. He won't force me to do anything differently. I can stay in this land of make believe, or I can surrender every area of my life and be used for His glory.

April 1st is the only day that we are supposed to be foolish, but perhaps I will start another tradition. Maybe today can be the moment when I start to get real. The reflection in the mirror does not have to be flawless, but the source of my power is undeniably perfect.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139: 23-24

MY GIFT TO MY STUDENTS

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 00:23:00 +0000

My first day of trackout has given me time to reflect on my year of teaching. I only have 9 weeks left with my current students before they move on to 8th grade. Panic has set in as I realize that I need more time. 5 days a week, I try to meet the educational and emotional needs of approximately 125 adolescents. The state provides me with lessons, themes, and ideas that I can use in my classroom. I work with three other teachers on my team. We daily discuss the myriad of challenges that we face. The horrible truth is that most days I feel like a failure. Have I accomplished anything real or life changing?

Our science teacher, Ms. Boone, recently studied genetics. The students made faces out of construction paper that captured their unique physical traits. Every morning, I walk by the wall of over 100 faces and always smile. My students are not robots that simply memorize facts and figures. I cannot magically open up their minds and dump in all the knowledge I feel they might need in the future. Each child is magically unique and no ONE teacher can possibly reach them all. However, this powerful truth has changed my entire way of teaching and parenting.

The gift that I give my students is that I accept them where they are in their journey. Many of them are talented writers, eloquent poets, articulate speakers, and dedicated scholars. I chuckle as I think of those young girls and boys that are just quite simply a mess. Parents come to conferences and throw their hands up in the air unable to think of ways to motivate their children to put forth more effort. I could spend the next 10 years with some of my students and never reach them. I am thankful that each of us has a lifetime to interact with individuals that will inspire and teach us. And so as I walk past those paper faces, I remind myself to look up from the books and the papers and see the real faces in front of me. I humbly thank God for the way He might use me in the lives of my 7th graders. As a parent, I pray that there is at least one teacher that looks into the faces of my own children and perhaps changes them forever.

GOOD SOIL

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Mon, 09 Sep 2013 00:04:00 +0000

Don't Judge Me!!!

This is what my grass has looked like for the past year. In fact, you really cannot even call it grass. There are green weeds that are growing over dead brown patches of earth. I wanted to put sod down, but am still recovering from the shock of the price quote. Honestly, I have never been one to spend much time in the yard, but I decided to seed and fertilize and cross my fingers that in the Spring there will be some green blades.

Friday after work, I arrived home to find a large truck in my driveway and men spraying some chemicals on the front and back yard. I walked over to one gentleman and calmly asked him what he was doing. He smiled and replied, "we are killing everything!" Oh my gosh..."you were supposed to seed not kill. How is grass going to grow now that you have poisoned the very soil that was supposed to yield my beautiful lawn?" Obviously, you can see I have no clue about anything. The worker quickly reassured me that in order for the new seed to flourish they had to kill the weeds and then they would fertilize, water, etc. allowing beautiful new grass to grow. I smiled as I walked away. God knew I needed to learn yet another lesson.

But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.

Matthew 13:23

I love the parable of the Sower. Basically a farmer goes out to sow his seed and depending on the conditions of the soil he is met with success or failure. Some of the seed fell on the path and was eaten by birds. In another instance, the seed falls on rocky places and although something grew it withered because it had no root. Other seed falls among thorns and the plants are choked and die.

The seed on the path represents those that hear the Lord's message, but do not understand, and so the evil one steals it. The seed that falls on the rocky places are people that have some growth as a result of God's teaching, but because there is no root it lasts only a short while. The rocky places are the trouble, strife, and challenges of the world that often make us lose hope. The person that receives the seed, but allows the thorns representing the worries of life and deceitfulness of wealth, does not bear any fruit. The verse above points to the fact that we have to have "good soil" in order for God's word to take root and produce a harvest in our lives.

Goodness...I pray that the current condition of my lawn is not an indication of the fruit I am bearing for The Lord! For years, I have allowed the rocky circumstances of my existence to kill everything...my hopes, dreams, and relationships. Brown patches in my soul and thorns in my heart have kept me from experiencing the fullness of God. The enemy has brought weeds into my garden and I have been too lazy to pull them up. Do I trust God enough to allow him to take away anyone and everything that is preventing me from bearing fruit for Him? I don't want to just go through the motions, hearing the sermons, praying the scripture... while the darkness prevents any seed to take root. It is time to bask in His radiant light, overflow with the living water, and share the mighty harvest with the world.

MY BROKEN HEART

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sun, 01 Sep 2013 15:52:00 +0000

I fell asleep the other night with my bible crushed tightly to my chest. This place of complete brokenness is not new to me, and yet I allow my fears to doubt HIS presence in the midst of the heaviness. So I must remind myself of the path that I have walked...

He was there when I watched my father take his last breath. As my 12 year old sister and I sat in the chapel trying to gather the courage to go see his shell...He took our hands and gave us comfort.

He was there as I sat in the cold, heartless room watching helplessly as my sedated 4 month old son's brain was scanned. With every roaring beep of the menacing machine I felt as if a part of me was dying.

He was there as the doctors told us that he was "damaged". Would he walk or talk? Tears flowed each and every night as I grieved the loss of my perfect child. He has put a new song in my heart as I grow to cherish the child that makes me laugh and brings me joy.

He was there when I heard the words "you have cancer." As I unwrapped the bandages to see the scars that would never go away, shaved the hair that would return, and surrendered the chance to give life in order to save my own...I was never alone.

He was there when the sword of "I don't love you anymore" tore a hole in my existence. The words "I found someone else and I am happy" crushed my lungs and I could no longer breathe. The nights of quiet loneliness and questioning days of unhappiness allowed little rest.

He is here as I struggle to find a new normal. As I watch my teenager's soul twist with the unknowing questions and brutal reality of our life. He is here with every bill that I pay and every lesson plan that I prepare. Every prayer that I utter and smile that breaks free is a testament to his strength in the midst of my weakness.

He whispers, "I love you. I have you. I will use this pain for my glory. Bring me every piece of your broken heart and allow me to put it together again."

This world has NOTHING that can truly comfort the brokenhearted. You can dull your pain. You can ignore the ache. I want to heal. I want to be transformed. And so today, I choose God.

LETTING GO

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Sun, 04 Aug 2013 14:57:00 +0000

During my cancer treatment, I started getting massages on a weekly basis. There is something about the power of touch that was so peaceful and healing. The aging process has brought a long list of aches and pains and so I have returned to massage. I don't like those soft Swedish rubs, I want someone to get in there and work out those knots. Yesterday, I was met by a soft spoken masseuse that quickly explained to me that his method might be a little unconventional but that I needed to trust him. As I lay face down on the table, I wondered if I should apologize for the fact that I had not been to the gym for about a year? Should I mention that I was running late this morning and forgot to run a razor over my legs? Where do I even begin with these arms? Did he read my file? Does he know about my surgeries? My scars? I should have taken a chill pill before my relaxing massage.

I would have to draw diagrams for you to grasp the crazy things that occurred inside that dimly lit room. My legs were stretched to my shoulders and at one point I soared like an eagle with my back arched and arms overhead. There is no way the sheet was covering everything that it should during these elaborate contortions! Through it all, Jorge (that was his name), kept whispering to me, "Relax and let go." About halfway through the hour, I realized he was a professional and knew what he was doing and so... I LET GO. My breathing slowed, my muscles went slack, and for a few precious moments I felt free.

As I bow before the throne of my king, I feel so unworthy. Like a petulant child, I want to make excuses for my disobedience. I play games with God and plan to show Him only the good inside of me and keep the rest hidden from view. And then I hear God whisper, "Trust Me. Relax. Let go." God sees all. Jesus died for my sins and I am washed clean. I am worthy. I am loved. I am forgiven. I know all these truths, but I continue to hold tightly to the dirty, rotten, sinful, painful, and negative parts of life. I stay trapped in a cage of my own making. For me, letting go is not some beautiful process where I stand on a mountain side and release a thousand butterflies signifying my transformation. Letting go is a daily, dirty struggle. I chose trust over fear. I hug forgiveness and release bitterness. I grab life over death. There is only one thing that I refuse to let go of during my walk here on earth...Jesus. And that is all I really need.

The Gift of Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Tue, 23 Jul 2013 15:40:00 +0000

I have been stuck for years going around and around the same issues. My hands are clenched and my heart is closed as I steel myself against the constant pain. Prayers for grace and mercy are lifted up, but still I feel nothing.

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ugh! Read it again and let's take a closer look. When someone wrongs me I am bitter and angry. I call every friend that will answer the phone and share the entire story bit by bit trying to make the person that dared to cross me look as bad as possible. I wallow in the hard feelings and marinate in the madness. My soul cries for healing and peace, and yet I continue to feed it nothing but retribution and revenge. Let's see what God says about revenge.

Romans 12:19-20 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. "

Clearly God wants us to leave the judgment to him, and we are advised that the kindness we display might "heap burning coals" and result in the person repenting from any wrongdoing. I want to be forgiven so I must forgive others. But what do I do when I don't FEEL like I can't push away the hurt and forget what has occurred in my life? Recently, a wise woman shared a powerful prayer with me.

You can put the name of any individual in the place of YOU....or even start praying to let yourself off the hook for the past. Repeat this every morning and evening and prepare for the miracles.

I forgive you completely and freely.
I release you and let you go.
So far as I am concerned,
The incidents that happened
between us are finished forever.
I wish the best for you.
I wish for you your highest good
And I hold you in the light.
I am free and you are free
and all again is well between us.
Peace be with you.

Will you accept the gift of forgiveness today?

MY OWNER'S MANUAL

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie) — Mon, 22 Jul 2013 18:10:00 +0000

I recently purchased a new car. As the sales person reviewed the essential information I nodded to indicate I understood all the industry jargon. Just to be clear,the car is a Ford Edge, but to me it was something out of a James Bond movie. My phone was synced and my vehicle could call anyone in my contacts.  No keys had to be used to start the engine. Seats could be folded, the trunk opened, and endless XM radio stations experienced all with little effort.  This girl was on fire!!!

The first morning as I headed to work, I pushed a button to turn the radio on. I heard the voice of my sleeping sister Nicole croak "Good Morning." "Why are you calling me at 7 in the morning?" I questioned. "You called me," she replied. "I was just trying to turn on the radio...I don't know how the heck the car called you!" All I heard was a groan and a loud click. I rode the rest of the way to work in silence afraid to touch anything.

After a month or so of traveling happily in my new wheels, I encountered another odd occurrence. Whenever I would come out after work, I would touch the door and the car would automatically unlock. I was certain I locked the doors and so I discussed this issue with several of my coworkers. Each afternoon as I approached my car, the mere presence of my hand (no keys involved) and the doors would unlock. I could not have people breaking into my Ford Edge and stealing my top secret lesson plans, so I conducted several experiments. Bryan tried to open the door and it remained locked. Sara met me one morning and witnessed me locking the car and then she tried to open the door and... it unlocked. I was near her when this happened so I became convinced my car knew me. I had not been with Bryan during that test, and therefore, the car had not allowed him entrance. Damn this car was awesome!!!    That weekend, as I cleaned out my lunchbox, I noticed a futuristic button device (I don't know what it is called) that had been given to me by the dealership. I consulted the manual and discovered that there is something that is in the door handle that allows anyone that is in possession of the strange button device to walk up to the car, put their hand on the door handle, and wham the door unlocks. Ashamed and a little embarrassed, I had to return to school and explain to many of my coworkers that my Ford had no intuitive powers allowing it to recognize its' owner. Bummer.

There are so many people (me included) walking around dazed and confused by this complicated world. We create plausible scenarios and excuses to explain why our lives are just not working. Sometimes we even invite other people into our mess hoping that they will bring us clarity.  Each of us will live a life that is filled with limitless magic and blessings, and yet much like me and my car, we refuse to consult the Creator when we are in need. Read your owner's manual- THE BIBLE. God knows every answer before you ask the question. You will never get lost. You will never be locked out of His kingdom. His doors are open and He is simply waiting for you to take a ride.